Title:  Storm in your Heart

Author: Morgana

Author’s email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com

Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon

Pairings: Jack (Private Line) / Jonne (Negative)

Ville (Flinch) / Lauri (Negative)

Sir Christus (Negative) /Juha (Reflexion)

Rating:  NC-17

Summary: Relationships are explored and deepened, nightmares tackled, and the boys return to the stage (to play their music of course!)

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

Betaed by DA. All remaining mistakes are mine.

 

Part 1

Still breathing

 

Jonne snuck into the kitchen and smiled when he saw that Ville had set some pasta aside for him. He put it into the microwave and heated it before tiptoeing back to his bedroom. A quick look into the living room showed Tommi watching his game and Ville and Lauri were talking softly while holding hands. Jonne grinned, knowing that Lauri would behave in Tommi’s presence...at least for the moment. Tommi would probably need some time to accept that Ville had chosen to be with Lauri.

 

Closing the door behind him, Jonne made his way over to the bed where Jack was dozing. A sated smile graced the older man’s face and Jonne quickly climbed between the covers while balancing the plate precariously. Jack’s nostrils flared and Jonne knew he’d have to share his meal, not that he minded though. Ville had left them a generous portion. “Are you hungry?”

 

Jack opened first his right eye and then the left. “You got food,” he concluded after taking in the fragrances and seeing the pasta on the plate. He elbowed himself upright and demanded, “Feed me!”

 

Jonne chuckled and fed the hungry guitarist. While Jack chewed, Jonne ate some of the pasta himself, but he never averted his gaze. The sex they’d had had been amazing and he was eager to repeat the performance. He snuggled up to Jack, who took hold of the other fork and started to eat in earnest. Jonne had to be quick to get a few bites for himself.

 

“I’m so lazy right now that the idea of never leaving your bed again sounds perfect to me,” Jack said. But he knew he’d have to check on Christus soon. His friend was apparently going through a rough time and he wanted to show Christus his support.

 

Jonne nodded and quickly ate the last bit of pasta. “You want to talk to Chris.”

 

Jack arched an eyebrow. “Don’t spook me. You can’t know what I’m thinking.”

 

Jonne gave Jack his most innocent look. “It’s not that hard to figure out. We talked about him and you’re best friends with him.”

 

“True.” Jack checked the time. It was still early, only eight PM. He could drive to Christus’ place and see how his friend was doing. “Are you coming along? You’re right. I need to check on him.”

 

“Do you want me there? I mean, I know you and Chris are close. I don’t want to intrude.”

 

Jack kissed the top of Jonne’s head and pulled him onto his lap. “Chris loves you and so do I. Of course we want you with us.” Rubbing Jonne’s back, he felt lost staring into the blue eyes. “Maybe we should call first. I don’t want to have to search the whole of Tampere just to talk to him.” Sliding his fingers up Jonne’s shoulder and neck, he cupped the back of the blond’s head. “Oh, I can’t seem to get enough of you,” he whispered and then sighed. “What have you done to me?” Not giving Jonne a chance to reply, he pulled the younger man close and pressed his lips to the blond’s. Jonne’s passionate response to the kiss almost blew his mind as Jonne’s tongue danced around his while the blond’s fingers rolled and pinched his nipples. He hadn’t thought it possible for him to grow hard again so soon, but Jonne’s touch aroused him. “This time, I want you on top,” he said huskily.

 

Jonne purred and then licked along Jack’s collarbone. “I’d do anything to please you. Roll onto your stomach then and let me fuck you,” he ordered while gazing eagerly at Jack.

 

Jack groaned at the order. “Oh yes, please fuck me, babe…” He suckled at Jonne’s bottom lip, let his lips wander lower, and then bit into the blond’s neck. Jonne threw back his head, giving him even easier access, and he sucked the skin until he was sure that he had marked Jonne for the whole world to see. Jonne’s gaze was a clear order to get moving and Jack turned onto his stomach. He crossed his arms in front of him and rested his head on them. “Show me what you’ve got.”

 

Jonne swallowed hard with Jack so willing. He straddled the older man’s thighs and leaned in closer. His lips left a trail of kisses along Jack’s spine before he playfully bit into a buttock.

 

“Hey!” Jack looked at Jonne from over his shoulder. He was smiling however. “I should have gotten you more to eat! You only had to tell me that you were still hungry!” In response to his teasing, Jonne slapped his buttock, making Japa chuckle. “Didn’t know you were into this kind of stuff.”

 

“I’m not, but…” Realizing Jack was merely teasing him, Jonne decided to get back at his lover. Running his hands over the firm mounds of flesh, he separated them and licked lower, effectively making Jack moan. That turned Jonne on even more and he reached for another condom. Quickly he put it on, added lubricant, and then covered Jack’s body with his, rubbing his nipples across the older man’s back.

 

Jack closed his eyes in bliss and was more than content to let Jonne do whatever the blond wanted. Parting his legs a little, he rested his head on his arms once more.

 

Jonne kissed Jack’s shoulder and slowly invaded the warm body beneath him. He bit down on his bottom lip in concentration because Jack was tight and he didn’t want to ruin their fun by climaxing too soon. Jack moaned and then lifted his butt a little, making it easier for Jonne to bury himself in his body. Once they were tightly connected, Jonne carefully lowered his body onto Jack’s and started to lick along the lines of his lover’s neck. One hand he slipped beneath Jack’s body and once he had found a nipple, he rolled it between his fingertips.

 

Raising himself a little, Jack managed to slide his hand down to his groin, where he started to stroke himself. Jonne began to move and Jack turned his head so he could look the blond in the eye. Their lips found each other and they shared a long kiss.

Flexing his hips, Jonne thrust into his lover’s body and watched Jack’s reaction very carefully. He didn’t want to make any mistakes the first time he took the older man. “Everything okay?” he whispered, needing to be certain.

 

“Just great,” Jack whispered in-between gasps. “Love it.” Claiming Jonne’s lips again, he changed the speed with which he stroked himself until they were moving in unison. Such sweet, slow loving was exactly the way he liked it and he explored every inch of Jonne’s mouth, kissing him breathless.

 

In the end, Jonne had to stop the kiss because he had run out of air. Instead of returning to those sweet lips, he dragged them across Jack’s shoulders, showering the back with kisses. His thrusts grew faster and his control slipped just before he reached orgasm. “Jack…” he whispered as he climaxed and then pressed close to the older man.

 

A few more strokes were all it took for Jack to reach his peak and tumble over the edge. Smiling at Jonne, he managed to claim his lover’s lips again and deepened the kiss. “Let’s stay like this a little longer, yes?” Jonne rubbed his cheek against his shoulder to show he wanted that too and Jack closed his eyes, savoring the sensations running through his body.

 

~~~

 

Tommi had a great time making Lauri squirm. The guitarist kept stealing glances at him to make sure that he wasn’t trespassing. Tommi was protective of his brothers, especially of Ville simply because he was the youngest. Lauri knew that and that was the reason why nothing else was happening, except for holding hands.

 

“Why won’t you kiss me again? I know you liked it.” Ville was getting frustrated. For the last five minutes he had been whispering seductively into the older man’s ear, telling him how much he wanted to feel his lips again, but Lauri still had to show some reaction. “Did you change your mind after all?”

 

Tommi grinned. Ville might be whispering, but Tommi’s hearing was excellent. As far as he was concerned this was the perfect payback for Ville not phoning him the night before and scaring him when he had found that Ville’s bed hadn’t been slept in. Lauri shot him another concerned look and Tommi gave the guitarist the dirtiest look he was capable of.

 

Lauri swallowed nervously and then whispered into Ville’s ear, “I’d love to, but I’m afraid your brother will make me pay for it.”

 

Suddenly Lauri’s behavior made sense to Ville and he glared at Tommi, who looked thoroughly amused. Ville rose from the couch and pulled Lauri along. “I’ll be in my room if you need me,” he told Tommi briskly.

 

“Leave the door open, Ville, and Lauri, keep your hands to yourself!” The only answer Tommi got was Ville slamming the door shut. Chuckling, he returned to watching his match, but his peace didn’t last for long as he caught sight of Jonne and Jack slipping into their coats. “Where are you two going?” He was surprised that they’d emerge from the bedroom so soon. The moans, groans, and growls that had been coming from Jonne’s room had been impossible to miss and he had thought that they would be at it all night.

 

“You really don’t need to know everything,” Jonne said as he peeked into the living room. “But I know you’ll pester me until I tell you. We’re going to see Chris. Don’t wait up for us. I have no idea when we’ll be back.”

 

Tommi nodded. “Fair enough! See you later!”

 

Jonne dragged Jack with him and smiled once they had left the building and were standing on the pavement. “I love Tommi, but sometimes he gets on my nerves.”

 

“He’s worried,” Jack offered. He pulled his leather coat closer to his frame and put on his favorite hat. “Taxi, or are we going to walk?”

 

“We’re walking,” Jonne decided. He felt energetic and needed to move. He looped his arm with Jack’s, judging that it was safer than holding hands. In the back of his mind, he knew the record company wouldn’t be pleased if he was photographed holdings hands or kissing Jack. He had to be careful.

 

Jack offered Jonne some chewing gum, which the blond refused, and then whistled a tune. It was a nice evening. Chilly, but the sky was cloudless and stars sparkled brightly. A full moon illuminated the heavens and Jack found himself staring above instead of where he was walking.

 

“Hey, look out!” Jonne had been looking at Jack’s face and saw the lantern just in time to pull his lover to safety. “That would have been an ugly collision.” The grateful smile Jack gave him made Jonne horny all over again and he almost suggested that they return to his room, but no, Christus needed them and their friend had to come first now.

 

~~~

 

Lauri was relieved that he no longer felt Tommi’s prying eyes upon his form. When he had decided to get together with Ville, he hadn’t fully considered the consequences. “Tommi was about to kill me.” He sat down on the bed, moved toward the headboard, piled some pillows against it, and then reclined.

 

“Don’t worry. I won’t let him hurt you. I’ll protect you,” Ville said, grinning from ear to ear. “I didn’t know Tommi scares you.”

 

“Things might have changed a little when I started to date you!” Lauri took in Ville’s form as the younger man slipped into a sweater. “Are you cold?”

 

“A bit, yes.” Ville gingerly approached the bed and then sat down on the edge. He’d had boyfriends before, but nothing had ever really happened, which was why he felt shy in the older man’s presence. Compared to Lauri, he was young and inexperienced. It showed right then since he didn’t know how to approach Lauri or what to do. He felt insecure.

 

Lauri pulled Ville against him. He guided the blond head to his shoulder and he folded an arm around the younger man. He still remembered what his own first dates had been like and how unsure of himself he had felt whenever he had been alone with his boyfriend. Ville was probably going through the exact same thing. It would certainly explain the younger man being quiet and shy. He didn’t want to break the comfortable silence that hung between them, but he also knew it was important that they kept talking. It was the one thing therapy had taught him. “Hey, have you ever been with a man, Ville?”

 

Ville swallowed nervously and stared at the wall, unwilling to look Lauri in the eye. “I’ve kissed, if that’s what you mean. We… touched a bit, but… I’ve never had sex… Somehow it never felt right, or I was too nervous.” He chewed on his bottom lip, hoping Lauri wasn’t disappointed because he lacked experience.

 

“I’m glad you waited,” the curly-haired guitarist whispered into Ville’s ear. “Your first time should be special and with a person you really want to be with.”

 

Relief flooded through Ville and he finally raised his head so he could make eye contact. “Having my first time with you would make it special.”

 

Lauri sucked in his breath sharply. “Let’s take this slow. I don’t want to rush things. This is new.” Caressing Ville’s face, he smiled at the younger man. “Don’t worry, I’ll make it special and we’ll know when the time is right.”

 

Lauri’s answer reassured Ville. A part of him had been worried that Lauri might not like taking things slow. “I really want to be with you that way, but…”

 

Lauri nodded. “I understand. I still remember what it was like for me.”

 

Ville leaned in closer and pressed his lips to Lauri’s. Kissing was something he *was* comfortable with and he wanted to do a lot of it that evening.

 

~~~

 

When Christus woke, he was alone in bed, but the side where Juha had been sleeping was still warm. The redhead couldn’t have left the bed too long ago. Sitting upright, he listened closely for clues to where Juha had gone. Juha appeared to be on the phone and he guessed that the redhead had moved back to the living room so his call wouldn’t disturb him. Christus rubbed his brow, yawned, and then swung his feet to the floor. Looking at the clock, he found that he had slept through the day. It was already growing dark outside.

 

“Ah, you’re awake!” Juha walked up to the bed and sat down again. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

 

Christus felt curious. “Who did you call?”

 

“My boss. I took the next few days off.” Juha flipped back his hair and looked at Christus thoughtfully. “How are you doing? Feeling a bit better?”

 

Christus considered the question and searched his feelings. “I’m calmer… The panic’s gone.” He didn’t know how Juha had accomplished that for he was fairly sure that the redhead’s presence had everything to do with it. Just the other day he had thought of himself as a failure, a loser, and a nervous wreck, and now he felt like he could face the world again as long as the singer remained at his side. That realization raised a whole bunch of new questions. “Are you going to get into trouble for not showing up at work?”

 

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I’ll just put in some overtime when I go back to work.” Juha scooted closer. “Shall I fix dinner? I haven’t eaten much and you must be hungry too.”

 

“I’m not sure I have food in the house,” Christus remarked.

 

“If I don’t find anything edible, I’ll order some.” Juha rested his hand on Christus’ knee. “Do you think you can manage a few minutes without me?” He squeezed and smiled reassuringly.

 

“I’ll survive,” Christus said, chuckling. “I’ll take a quick shower then.”

 

“You do that. I’ll head for the kitchen.” Juha got to his feet and left the bedroom.

 

Christus drew in a deep breath and shook his head in wonder. No one, not even Jonne had such a calming effect on him.

 

~~~

 

Christus deposited his clothing in the laundry basket, made quick work of his shower, and then slipped into his favorite red trousers. He picked a pink shirt to go on top. After checking himself in the mirror and approving of the outfit, he joined Juha in the kitchen. “What are you making?” Apparently Juha had found something edible in the cupboard.

 

“I hope you like pancakes.” Juha flipped the pancake about and it landed neatly in the pan. “Sit down,” he ordered and pointed at the kitchen table, which had already been set. “You need to go to the grocery store. I finished the milk and you’re out of eggs. Basically, you don’t have much left.”

 

Christus sat down and dipped his finger in the marmalade. Licking the substance off, he watched Juha place the plate containing the pancakes on the table. “You cook – You’re full of surprises,” he remarked as he transferred a pancake onto his plate.

 

“I have many talents,” Juha said and grinned wickedly. “If you play it right, you might get to find out what they are.”

 

Dipping his finger in the honey, Christus yelped as Juha suddenly swatted his hand. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

 

“I want some honey too, but not after you have had your finger in it!”

 

Christus looked at the redhead in amazement. Juha’s expression was definitely wicked and he could have sworn that the singer was licking his lips on purpose. All blood suddenly traveled to his groin and he couldn’t help growing aroused. “Stick your finger in it to, then it doesn’t matter.”

 

Juha pouted while thinking it over. “You want me to dip my finger in there? Do you know where it has been?”

 

Christus’ eyes narrowed. Was Juha flirting with him? That man utterly confused him! His heart skipped a beat when Juha accepted the challenge and slowly dipped a finger in the honey.

 

“Like this, you mean?”

 

Christus groaned. This was too much for his poor heart! But it got even worse when Juha slowly, sensually, started to lick his finger clean. His tongue encircled the digit before it disappeared into his mouth. Christus sat there like a bunny trapped in some snare and couldn’t stop staring at those lips closing around the finger. “Don’t do that!” He had suspected Juha was a tease, but this was torture. He was hard and in desperate need of some attention, but he doubted Juha would help him out that way.

 

“You know your way to the bathroom,” Juha retorted and put some of the honey onto his pancake. “I hope you have enough tissues left, Sir Christus.”

 

Christus cursed, jumped to his feet, and disappeared into the bathroom. That devil was going to be the death of him! After he had closed the door behind him, he unzipped his pants and brought himself to orgasm with a few, firm strokes while replaying Juha licking the honey off his finger in his mind. Groaning, he reached for the tissues, cleaned himself up, and then splashed cold water onto his face. He needed to keep his wits about him around that tease!

 

Juha was enjoying his pancake when the doorbell rang unexpectedly. He was about to get to his feet when Chris suddenly marched down the hallway and called out, “I’ll get it.” Juha smirked as he noticed the frustrated way Christus moved. Apparently his little bit of teasing had gotten to the guitarist. Good, anything was better than Christus feeling depressed and brooding about his past and his feelings.

 

Christus was grateful to get away from Juha for a moment so he could compose himself. Opening the door, Christus was surprised to see Jonne and Jack standing there. Jack had wrapped his arms around the blond from behind and Jonne was resting his head back against the guitarist’s chest. The first thing that struck Christus was how happy the two of them looked. It hurt a bit since his crush on Jonne had never really gone away. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

 

“We were worried,” Jonne replied. He freed himself of Jack’s embrace and then hugged Christus close. “You seemed so confused when you left the other night.”

 

Christus tucked Jonne’s head beneath his chin and allowed the feelings which he had fought for years to take him. Jonne and he would never be lovers, but the blond would always be there for him and that made their friendship even more precious. Pressing a kiss onto the blond head, he whispered, “Thanks for being such a good friend. I love you.”

 

Jonne allowed the embrace to continue for another minute and then took a step away from his friend. “I love you too, Chris.”

 

Christus knew it was the truth. Jonne loved him in his own very special way and that realization brought peace. He greeted Jack and, if he had been hoping for a similarly calm hug, he had been wrong. Jack pulled him roughly into his arms, ruffled his hair, and kissed him on the lips. “Missed you too, Jacky,” Christus managed under the assault.

 

“Aren’t you going to let us in?” Jack asked, surprised that Christus seemed to be getting nervous. Christus stepped aside and Jack followed while pulling Jonne along.  Cocking his head, he asked, “Don’t tell me you have someone over? A blond with huge tits perhaps?” When Chris blushed, Jack wondered why.

 

“Last time I checked I was a redhead and there are certainly no tits!”

 

Christus grinned and looked lopsidedly at Juha from over his shoulder. He should have known that the singer would grow curious and investigate.

 

Jack’s eyes widened in surprise. He recognized Juha from when he’d been on stage with his band and wondered what the redhead was doing there. From what he had gathered from Jonne, Christus and Juha had parted ways, so what was the front man doing there?

 

“Tits wouldn’t really suit you,” Christus commented and closed the door behind his friends. “Let’s move this into the kitchen.” Since the door had been open, the evening’s chill had invaded his apartment.

 

Jack moved closer to Christus and asked, “Care to tell me what’s going on?”

 

“I’ll explain everything.” Christus wasn’t looking forward to it, but doubted Jack would be satisfied with anything less. “Is anyone hungry?” He pointed at the pile of pancakes still left on the plate.

 

Jonne moved at once, straddled a chair, and took hold of one of the pancakes. After adding sugar to it, he made it into a roll and bit a chunk off.

 

Jack sat down next to his lover and brushed some of the sugar off of Jonne’s coat. “You always make a mess.”

 

Jonne blushed. “I don’t and the last time I made a mess you certainly weren’t complaining!”

 

Christus sighed and rolled his eyes. Apart, the two of them were already taxing, but now that they had combined forces, he feared the worst.

 

“You haven’t touched your pancake yet,” Juha addressed Christus.

 

Christus decided the pancake wasn’t worth starting another row. Who knew what Juha would do next with those long fingers of his? He obediently ate his pancake, even though it had grown cold.

 

“Chris? I’m surprised that…” Jonne inclined his head in Juha’s direction. “No offence, but I thought you’d gone back to Helsinki,” he told Juha.

 

“I did,” Juha replied. “But I had to see Chris again.” He wasn’t going to reveal too much of the reason why he had been forced to return to Tampere. If Christus wanted his friends to know, he could tell them.

 

“I called him,” Christus added while casting a probing look at Jonne. Without a doubt, the blond had told Jack everything that had happened so he didn’t bother explaining everything all over again to the other guitarist. “I was up all night, trying to decide if I should call Juha or not.”

 

And you did!” Jonne smiled proudly.

 

“At five in the morning. I woke him.” Christus shrugged. “I was rather...” Christus paused to search for the right words. “Stressed. Panicking, I guess. I scared him so much that he drove to Tampere that instant."

 

“I was worried,” Juha admitted. “He sounded upset and I thought it was best if I talked to him in person instead of over the phone.” Juha retrieved some glasses, poured the remaining orange juice into them, and then handed the three men a glass before he sat down again.

 

Jonne glanced at Christus in amusement. “Since when do you prefer orange juice over beer?”

 

Christus shrugged and smiled apologetically. “It’s not worth starting an argument over with him.” He inclined his head in Juha’s direction. “He uses dirty tactics to get what he wants.”

 

“I don’t,” Juha insisted and bit a chunk off of his pancake.

 

“Yes, you do,” Christus retorted, determined to have the last word in this matter.

 

Jonne latched onto Jack’s gaze and realized that the guitarist was just as surprised, though pleased, to find Christus and Juha verbally bantering. Jonne felt relieved, having feared the worst when Christus had gone home.

 

“If you say so.” Juha shrugged and then arched an eyebrow when Christus was about to light a cigarette. “Not in here,” he ordered and shook his head. “I won’t let you ruin my voice.”

 

“Singers,” Christus complained and got up from his chair. He shot Jonne a dirty look when he saw the blond smirk. “You’ll be happy to learn you got reinforcements. Jack, are you coming along or…?”

 

Jack pushed back his chair and got to his feet. “Gladly!” He winked at Jonne and then followed Christus into the living room. He sat down next to his friend and handed Chris the lighter. A minute later, both were happily smoking their cigarettes.

 

“Vocalists,” Christus said with something akin to irritation in his voice, although his face portrayed amusement. “Won’t let you smoke anywhere near them! They’re all the same!”

 

Jack chuckled. “I almost stopped smoking during my little trip with Jonne. His asthma was so bad that I didn’t dare light a cigarette anywhere around him.”

 

“The two of you look happy,” Christus remarked as he exhaled the smoke. “If I had known how well you’d mesh, I’d have introduced you a long time ago.”

 

Jack waved it away. “So what’s up with you and Juha? He seems to care about you. At least he drove back in the early morning because he was worried about you.”

 

Christus wished he knew the answer to the question. “I have no idea, Jack. I really don’t know what to make of him. He’s different.”

 

“In what way? Because he turned you down?” Jack grinned. “That must have hurt your ego!”

 

“At first it did. I won’t deny that.” Christus lit another cigarette, feeling better since the nicotine was doing its job. “He’s impossible. He’s a tease and…” Words failed him. “I don’t know what to make of him, Japa.”

 

“You like him!” Jack poked his friend in the side and got cuffed on the head in turn. “You’re in love, damn it! Admit it!”

 

Christus couldn’t say the words. “Don’t go there, Jack.”

 

“You’re in love. The legendary Sir Christus has gotten it bad! And Juha? I mean, wow, that guy is…hot.” Jack had no problems admitting that. “And he seems smart as well.”

 

“I only wanted to fuck him once,” Christus mumbled. “I didn’t want any of this.”

 

Jack shook his head, feeling exasperated. “I know you better than that. Admit it! You want more!”

 

“I don’t!” Angry with himself for being unable to admit the truth, Christus dropped the cigarette butt in the ash tray. He had never told Jack about his first time, that painful encounter, and found he couldn’t speak the words again. He was still surprised that he had managed to tell Juha. “You know me, Jack. Relationships aren’t my thing!”

 

“I don’t believe you,” Jack replied thoughtfully. “We’ve been friends for years. That’s also a relationship and you maintain it well. You’re still friends with Jonne, regardless of the problems you’ve had. That’s another successful relationship. Give yourself some credit!”

 

“But with Juha it would be more than just friendship, don’t you get it?”

 

“And that scares you? Chris, there’s no need to be scared. Love is a wonderful thing. Just let it happen. Don’t fight or force it. Just let it happen.” Christus glanced at him unconvinced, but at least the other guitarist was willing to think it over.

 

~~~

 

Jonne remained behind with Juha and felt at a loss for words. He didn’t know the other man and had no idea what to say. He shifted uneasily on his chair and desperately thought of some subject he could bring up. Juha helped him out.

 

“Thanks for talking to Chris. He was really upset. I didn’t think he’d overreact like that.” Juha gazed gratefully at Jonne. “Thanks for telling him to call me. He might not have done so otherwise.”

 

Jonne moistened his lips and tried to gauge Juha’s character. “How much did Chris tell you?”

 

“He told me why he believes a relationship with me will never work. What he doesn’t understand is that the dynamics in bed are… flexible. I don’t mind being on the bottom if that’s the only way for him to make love.”

 

Jonne nodded, happy that Juha thought of it as making love and not mere fucking like Chris would. Although, he wasn’t so sure Christus still saw it that way. His friend had been content with having one-night-stands because he had been afraid of actually committing to a relationship. “You seem to care a lot about Chris. Not that I disapprove, but… don’t you hardly know him?”

 

“Sometimes all it takes to know someone is eye contact,” Juha replied cryptically. “I knew that Chris was going to play an important role in my life when I saw him in that dressing room. I believe in destiny and I *know* that Chris’ and my fates is twined. You can call me mad, but… It’s something I’m convinced of.”

 

Jonne considered Juha’s explanation and then asked, “What are your plans? Regarding Chris I mean.”

 

“It’s hard to say,” Juha admitted. “I have some idea of what’s going on with him, but… When we met after the gig all he wanted was to get me into bed. I think he has changed since then, but I’m not quite sure what that change entails. I’ve taken time off from work and all I can do now is support him and see what happens. I don’t know if we’ll end up together or not. It’s too early for that.”

 

Everything Juha said made sense to Jonne. “I can tell you that it’ll mean a lot to him that you rushed here. Chris is… He’s complicated,” he said in the end. “But he’s also loyal and you can trust him. He just has a few quirks and…he really doesn’t believe in love.” Seeing Juha’s questioning look, he added, “Chris once had a giant crush on me, but I didn’t feel the same way about him and I didn’t want to lie to him. He has simply had no luck finding the right person yet.”

 

Juha nodded. “I’ll keep all that in mind.”

 

The kitchen door opened and Jack and Christus returned. Christus shot Juha a quick glance and Jonne noticed the mixture of hope and fear in the green eyes. Like Juha, Jonne could only hope and pray that Christus would continue to put his trust in the redhead.

 

TBC

 

Part 2

Bed of dead leaves

 

Jonne and Jack stayed for another hour and then left for home. Christus walked them to the door and then returned to the living room where Juha was sipping his beer. His *first and only* beer of the evening, Christus had noticed. He had been tempted to have one beer after another, but somehow Juha was rubbing off on him and he had stopped after the fourth. He moved toward the couch and sat down, studying the redhead. Juha was a mystery to him.

 

It amused Juha to no end to see Christus so clueless and decided to use it to his advantage. His mind was set on distracting the guitarist so he wouldn’t return to brooding. “See anything you like?” he inquired and winked at Christus.

 

Christus’ mouth turned dry and he had to swallow hard. “And what if I do?” Juha’s eyes blazed and he realized the challenge for what it was. Juha was interested, but was only going to do this on his terms. No quick fuck. Juha wanted more and that realization scared him.

 

“Then you might want to start thinking about ways to woe me.” Juha loved seeing the flabbergasted look in Christus’ eyes. “What did you think? That a ‘let me fuck you’ would do the trick?” He shook his head and then slid his fingers through his hair, showing it off. “I want you to make a real effort.”

 

Christus unwillingly mirrored Juha’s gesture and ran his fingers through his hair, sweeping the black strands away from his face. “And what does that mean?”

 

Juha rose from the couch, covered the distance between them, and then leaned in closer until his face was only an inch away from Christus. “You’re smart. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” His red hair tumbled forward, shielding their faces from the world as he gave Christus a kiss on the lips. “Maybe that will motivate you.”

 

Christus groaned pitifully. “Not fair.”

 

“That’s life.” Juha moved away from Christus and eyed him closely. Then he raised his hand in invitation. “Let’s go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow will be a busy day for you.”

 

Christus’ eyes narrowed. “And why is that?”

 

“Well, we need to buy food. We’re invited to have dinner with Jonne and Japa… I need new clothes since I’m not going to drive home just to pick up another outfit… Do you need more reasons?”

 

Christus shook his head. “You’re going to be the death of me!”

 

“That’s not my intention.” Juha took hold of Christus’ hand and pulled the older man to his feet. “I’ll even let you snuggle.”

 

At a loss for words, Christus followed Juha into the bedroom. Following the redhead’s example he undressed and readied himself for the night. Suddenly, Juha whistled and then coughed, doubtlessly to gain his attention. Christus looked up questioningly.

 

“You don’t believe in underwear, do you?”

 

Christus grinned. “Does that bother you?” It was normal for him to sleep naked and he wasn’t going to change old habits just for Juha. But then it backfired on him. Juha’s gaze drifted lower, fastened on his groin, and then he licked his lips. Growing erect hadn’t been Christus’ intention, but it happened. “Damn you!” he cursed and quickly slipped between the covers. Why did Juha have to be such a tease? Arousing him and then not touching him?

 

Juha hoped he was doing the right thing, keeping Christus on the edge like this. As long as it kept the guitarist from growing depressed again, he would continue to act like that, even though he knew that it would one day backfire on him. Contrary to what Christus thought of him, he wasn’t such a tease. He was a romantic, just like Mikko had said. It must have slipped Christus’ mind, or else the other man would have wondered why he was behaving in such a way.

 

Juha kept his boxers on and blindly grabbed a shirt from Christus’ wardrobe. Ui, pink. He slipped into it at any rate and climbed between the covers. He spooned behind Christus and pulled the black-haired man into his arms, always measuring Christus’ reactions carefully. “Is this okay? Or should I keep my distance?”

 

Christus’ first reaction had been to tense up and move away from Juha, but when he was gently enfolded in a hug, he reconsidered. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had held him like that and it felt surprisingly good. He felt *safe*. “It’s okay. Stay that way.”

 

Juha nuzzled Christus’ neck and placed a kiss on the sensitive skin. “I wish you sweet dreams… And don’t worry, I’ll still be here in the morning.”

 

Christus nodded and closed his eyes, wondering how it was possible that Juha always knew what to say to put him at ease. Juha took to stroking his arm and the gesture was so soothing that he fell asleep almost instantly.

 

Juha closed his eyes as well. Sleep eluded him, but he didn’t mind since it gave him a chance to focus on the man he was holding his arms.

 

~~~

 

Tommi couldn’t help himself. He *had* to check on his baby brother even if Ville would get mad at him for doing so. After Ville had shut the door, it had become rather quiet in the bedroom, which worried Tommi slightly. Who knew what those two were doing? Well, as long as they weren’t getting drunk, he should accept whatever was going on in there. He pushed the door ajar, trying to be as quiet as possible. Tommi peeked into the room and then grinned. Ville and Lauri were asleep on the bed, tightly wrapped up in the comforter. The older man was holding his brother and Tommi realized that Lauri and Ville being together might be a good thing after all. Ville needed someone to love...who was solely ‘his’.

 

After closing the door again, Tommi returned to the couch and made himself comfortable. He tugged a blanket around his form and then flipped through the channels. He would have felt even happier if Jonne had been home too. He couldn’t help wondering what his younger brother was up to.

 

~~~

 

Jonne snuggled up to Jack. They were on their way home and had decided to walk back since it was such a lovely night and the sky so bright with stars. They didn’t talk much, not feeling the need for it. Once they had arrived home, Jonne pulled Jack along to his room. He glanced into the living room and found Tommi snoring peacefully on the couch with the television still running in the background. Jonne switched it off, tugged the blanket, which had slipped, more tightly around his older brother, and then joined Jack in the bedroom.

 

Jack had already removed his clothes and was slipping between the covers. Taking advantage of the situation, he studied Jonne’s body as the blond undressed. He had to admit that, as far as he was concerned, Jonne was perfect and he opened his arms so his lover could move into them. Jonne cuddled up to him and then closed his eyes.

 

“Anteeksi,” Jonne whispered. “But I’m tired.”

 

“That’s okay. No need to feel sorry.” Jack wrapped his arms around his lover and pulled him closer. “Sleep then.” Amused, he watched Jonne’s breathing slow down and deepen. Jonne must have really been tired to fall asleep so quickly! Jack stroked the blond hair and watched Jonne sleep, enjoying holding the younger man close.

 

~~~

 

Jack woke as Jonne tried to free himself of the embrace he was in. The younger man’s breathing had sped up as he moved about wildly. Jack even got elbowed in the stomach and gasped. “Jonne! Calm down!” Uncertain as to what was going on, Jack tried to calm his lover down. What scared him was the fact that Jonne’s eyes were open, but he didn’t seem to see him. “Hey babe, what’s wrong? Everything’s okay. Try to calm down for me!”

 

Jack’s voice finally registered with Jonne, who stared at the older man in shock. The nightmare had seemed so fucking real! Once he realized that it had *only* been a dream, he collapsed and Jack quickly pulled him against his chest. Jonne closed his eyes and tried to control his trembling.

 

Jack soothingly stroked Jonne’s back and cupped the blond’s face in the palm of his hand. “What happened? It might help if you tell me about it.”  Worried, he watched Jonne look away, seemingly unwilling to talk. “I just want to help. Nightmares lose their strength when you talk about them.”

 

Jonne drew in a deep, shaky breath and then hesitantly made eye contact. Jack was right of course. Talking about it would help, but at the moment, he wasn’t sure he had the strength to relive it again. In the end, he opted for a short version of the incident. “Someone tried to strangle me in my sleep once. It happened some years ago and I thought I had dealt with it, but then Ville brought it up the other day and now…” Jack’s eyes widened with shock and Jonne quickly said, “This person didn’t mean to hurt me. He was just drunk – totally drunk and completely out of control at that moment.”

 

Jack had a hard time believing that anyone – even when out of his mind – would try to strangle someone like Jonne. “Who was it?”

 

Jonne swallowed nervously. “I forgave him for what he did. We’re friends, Jack. I don’t want to ruin that because you…”

 

“I’ll behave,” Jack promised, although he wasn’t sure he would be able to stay calm if he ever met that person. “Will you tell me?”

 

“You won’t try to get back at him? Promise me that. He was drunk and had no idea what he was doing. He was shocked when we told him what had happened.”

 

Jack nodded. “If this person means that much to you, then I’ll behave. Jonne, who tried to strangle you?” He didn’t want to know the truth because he would want revenge, but he wanted to know because then he could help and understand Jonne better. “You don’t need to keep secrets from me. Please trust in me.”

 

“It was Lauri. It’s the reason why he stopped drinking and is sober now. He’s not a nice person when he’s that drunk. His whole personality changes. “ Jonne wanted Jack to understand. “He broke down the day after it happened and went into rehab.”

 

“Lauri?” Jack blinked at Jonne in surprise. “I never knew…”

 

Jonne shrugged. “He’s one of my best friends, Jack. I don’t want you to act differently towards him because of this. Trust me, Lauri will never forgive himself for what he did to me. There’s no reason to make him feel even worse…”

 

Jack nodded. “Don’t worry. I’ll act like nothing happened. That’s what you want, isn’t it?” Jonne’s expression was answer enough. “I’m sorry that it ever happened. It must have been terrifying for you. No wonder you still have nightmares about it!” Jack gazed at Jonne questioningly. “Does Ville know…?”

 

“Ville was the one who brought it up. That’s why the nightmares are back.” Jonne sighed and then rubbed his cheek against Jack’s shoulder. “I don’t want to go back to sleep again. The nightmare will come back.”

 

“Maybe it helped that you talked about it,” Jack offered. “Do you often have that particular nightmare?”

 

“Not normally, but…” Jonne bit his bottom lip. It was only fair to warn the older man. “I have nightmares fairly often.”

 

Jack drew in a deep breath and asked. “What are those about then?”

 

“About the time I spent at the children’s home. I got beaten up frequently.” Jonne snuggled even tighter against Jack. “But thankfully that’s in the past. I’ve got you now.”

 

Jack’s throat tightened with emotion. For a second, he forgot to breathe and then shook himself. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I wish you’d had parents like I do. They’re really nice and understanding.”

 

Jonne raised his head so he could look Jack in the eye. “I always wanted parents like that.”

 

Jack had an idea. “I’ll introduce you to mine. Would you like that?”

 

Jonne looked uncertainly at Jack. “And they’d not be bothered by the fact that I’m your boyfriend? Do they know that you like…men?”

 

“I never hid that fact from them and they’re okay with it. I think they’ll like you. I’ll give them a call.” A pleased smile appeared on Jonne’s face and Jack hoped he had distracted the blond enough so that the nightmares wouldn’t surface again that night.

 

~~~

 

For Christus to wake up like he had was uncommon. He had turned in his sleep sometime and lay facing Juha. He had folded an arm around the redhead and his leg was draped across the other man’s thigh. He had become rather possessive in his sleep, it seemed. Brushing some red strands away from the handsome face, he studied Juha. The redhead wasn’t his type – not really, but then again, it seemed more things in his life had changed or were about to change. Then his stomach growled and drew a reaction from Juha. His eyes opened, revealing misty green irises and Juha smiled. “Morning,” Christus managed huskily.

 

“Morning to you too.” Juha yawned and then tried to stretch, only to discover that Christus had a tight hold on him. Christus’ stomach growled again and Juha grinned. “If you want breakfast, you’ll have to let go of me.”

 

“Forget about breakfast! There’s nothing edible in the house anyway.” Christus gazed at Juha in his naughtiest way and slid a hand beneath the shirt the redhead was wearing – his shirt. One of his favorites even!

 

Juha arched an eyebrow as the older man’s fingertips snuck up his chest. “You’re not going to find any food there.”

 

“What if I go lower?” Christus moved his hand lower and was about to slip below the waistband of Juha’s boxers when the other man took hold of his hand and stopped him.

 

“Not that kind of breakfast.” Juha knew he was playing with fire, pretending he was way more confident than he felt. Teasing Christus was a good distraction and kept the guitarist focused on him, but at the same time, Juha didn’t know how he would react if the older man decided to take things further. Yes, he had been with men before, but most of them had been on the feminine side, like Mikko. Christus was a different specimen. Juha knew that he would either rise to the occasion and best the guitarist or surrender. “And since you have nothing left in the house to eat, let’s go somewhere for breakfast.”

 

“Klubi?” Christus suggested. He hadn’t really counted on Juha letting him slide a hand into his boxers, but he had hoped he might manage something like that. Juha proved to be extremely resistible to his charms – damn it.

 

“I’ll leave that up to you…” Juha managed to free himself of Christus’ possessive hold and got to his feet. “And later on, we need to buy groceries and some clothes for me. If I have to wear this another day then I’ll stink!”

 

“You can burrow my stuff. Just check out the closet.” Christus sat up and ran a hand through his hair. “We’re about the same size. My things should fit you.” He would have offered Juha the clothes back that the redhead had lent him, but they were in the laundry basket because they smelled.

 

Juha wasn’t convinced, but opened the closet just to be sure. “Hum, why is almost everything in here pink or red?”

 

“I love those colors!” Christus shrugged and then disappeared into the bathroom.

 

Juha felt relieved once the older man had left the bedroom. Seeing Christus naked had reminded him that he *was* attracted to the guitarist. Sighing, because he had to wrestle with this mountain of pink and red fabric, he eventually managed to find a black shirt in the back. That would do. Now for the pants. Not red – he didn’t like that color...certainly not pink...not white either… Ah, wow, Christus possessed a pair of ‘normal’ jeans after all! But then his enthusiasm lessened as he noted several major holes cut out in the fabric. He definitely needed to go shopping!

 

“Oh no, you’re not wearing that!” Christus took hold of the jeans and flung them on the floor. “You need something a bit more colorful.” He ignored the warning look that Juha shot him and selected red pants. “These will look great on you.”

 

“I don’t wear red.”

 

“You already do and it suits you.” Christus pointed at Juha’s hair. With only a towel slung around his narrow hips and with his black hair still dripping wet from the quick shower he had taken, he searched the contents of his closet. For himself he selected black pants, one of his favorite pink shirts, and removed his red leather jacket as well. “Bathroom’s yours,” he said and started to dress.

 

Juha had no other choice than to take the clothes with him, otherwise he had to dress in his own clothes and those needed to be washed. He showered quickly, making sure that his hair remained dry, and then dressed. The red pants were tight, showing off too much as far as he was concerned, but they were his size. /Damn you!/ Right after breakfast, he was going shopping for decent clothes! If he wore these, he would feel watched all the time. One look in the mirror revealed just how much showed: too much. The black shirt, had it been a size larger, would have covered those parts of him, but the shirt barely covered his belly button. This would definitely not do. He wasn’t going to wear this!

 

“That looks even better on you than it looks on me! Here, the finishing touch!” Christus handed Juha a black jacket, adorned with handcuffs. “I’d love to see you wear that for me.”

 

Finding it hard to deny Christus, Juha accepted the jacket. Then he went into the living room to put his shoes on. “Are you ready to go? I’m hungry.” He tied back his hair and searched for his glasses.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Christus stared at Juha in bewilderment. With his hair tied back and the glasses on, Juha looked like someone completely different. “That’s…” He shook his head and moved forward. “Do you really need them?” he asked as he removed Juha’s glasses.

 

“If I want to drive, yes.” Bemused, Juha chuckled. “You’re vain!”

 

“And you *should* be vain with your looks!” Christus reached again for Juha and removed the hair tie. “That has to go too.”

 

Juha swept his hair free and went through the strands with his fingers. “Do you have a hair fetish?”

 

“I never had one… until now.” Christus winked at Juha. “Are you ready to go? I need coffee.”

 

“If you want me to drive, I need my glasses back,” Juha reminded him.

 

“Buy contacts,” Christus suggested and grudgingly handed Juha his glasses. The two men left the apartment and Juha drove to the city’s center, parked, and then looked about.

 

“So where do you suggest we go?” Just to please Christus, he removed his glasses and put them away. To his surprise, Christus claimed his hand and twined their fingers. The older man was full of surprises.

 

Christus guided them to a cozy bistro where they ordered breakfast. While Christus stuck to his coffee and only ate a few bites of toast, Juha enjoyed a full breakfast. “Stop watching me. You’re making it difficult for me to eat.” Juha felt constantly watched. The guitarist hadn’t taken his eyes off him since they had sat down. “I’d think you’d know by now how I looked!”

 

Christus shrugged. “You intrigue me.”

 

Juha wasn’t sure that was a good thing. After they had paid, Juha addressed Christus again. “Want to get some groceries?”

 

“Later. First I want to show you off.”

 

Juha arched an eyebrow. “Show me off? To whom?”

 

“The world.” Christus stepped back onto the street again and then pulled Juha close. He wrapped an arm around the other man and grinned cheekily. “It’s the first time ever that I have the hots for a redhead.”

 

Juha swallowed hard. Christus *was* good at flirting and he had to remind himself not to give in...yet. “So where do you want to go?”

 

The insecurity in Juha’s eyes hadn’t been lost on Christus and it intrigued him further. Just when he had thought he had figured Juha – the tease – out, a new facet was added. “Let’s go shopping. You need clothes and I’m in the mood to browse.”

 

Juha swallowed nervously and tried hard to hide the fact that Christus was getting to him. “Good, we’ll shop then.”

 

~~~

 

“Perfect,” Christus exclaimed. “That looks hot on you.”

 

Juha needed something to wear that fit him and the plain, black shirt was just what he wanted. Thankfully Christus agreed. Looking at himself in the mirror, he had to admit that the red pants didn’t look *that* bad on him, but he still preferred black jeans.

 

Suddenly, a bunch of screams startled them. A bunch of girls with ages ranging from thirteen to nineteen came running towards Christus. They started speaking all at the same time and Christus forced himself to remain calm and charming. He not so patiently waited for the girls to have their picture taken with him and signed his name on some of their stuff. From the corner of his eye, he saw Juha, who had paid for the shirt and was now watching him in bemusement. Apparently the redhead thought it funny that he was being claimed. “Oh Juha, come over here, will you?” Would the girls also know Juha?

 

“I’m perfectly fine over here. Just let me know when you’re ready to go to the next store!” Leaning against a wall, Juha’s eyes twinkled as he observed the girls getting ready for a second round of photographs.

 

Christus endured their combined assault for another five minutes and then excused himself. At first, the girls didn’t want to let him go and tried to engage him in conversation again, but Christus charmingly but firmly told them that he had to leave. The girls gave him their best puppy dog looks, but he still turned around and walked over to Juha. “You could have helped me!”

 

“Why? You seemed perfectly comfortable with them worshipping the ground you walk on!” Juha grinned. “Thank God that I’m not that well known!”

 

Christus studied the redhead and shook his head in exasperation. “Why isn’t your band better known?”

 

“Lack of time, I guess. Unfortunately it’s only a side project. We all have our jobs and Juhani and Ilkka are still studying.” Juha watched Christus intensely. “Negative *is* your life, isn’t it?” A nod merely confirmed what he had already suspected. “Hey, you’d better be careful. More fans ahead.”

 

Christus pulled up the hood of his shirt and tried to hide his features. He liked meeting their fans and spending time with them, but that day he’d rather spend it with Juha. “Where do you want to go next?”

 

Juha considered. “Grocery store. We need to stock up your cupboards.”

 

Christus suddenly came to a halt, folded an arm around Juha, and pulled him into a shadowed corner. “What are your plans? I need to know. I have no idea what’s happening and it frightens me. Do you understand that?” Juha caressed his face with a gentle hand. The gesture made Christus close his eyes in bliss.

 

“I don’t know either,” Juha admitted. “How about we’re getting to know each other?”

 

Christus opened his eyes and gazed at Juha uncertainly. “Are you saying we’re dating?”

 

“In a way, yes.” Juha smiled and nodded. “And that makes you uncomfortable.”

 

“A bit, yes.” Christus then shrugged it away. He had decided to move on. He wanted to do away with his painful past and Juha might make it all worthwhile. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

 

Juha nodded and smirked. “The same goes for me. Let’s see where this goes. It’s way too early to say if we should get together or not. Let’s date for a while.”

 

Although the mere thought of dating scared Christus, he nodded, knowing it was the best thing for them.

 

~~~

 

Ville rolled onto his stomach. He placed his elbow on the mattress, rested his chin on his hand, and studied the sleeping guitarist. Feeling curious, Ville fingered a curl. They had slept in each other’s arms that night and Ville had woken rested – and aroused. He wasn’t quite sure what to do about his morning erection. One option was to ignore it, or he could take care of it himself, disappearing into the bathroom for a while. But then again, he had a boyfriend now, so why do it himself? But maybe it was too soon to expect Lauri to do something like that for him. They had only been dating for a few days. It would be best to go into the bathroom and take care of things. Ville was about to leave the bed when Lauri’s hand suddenly slid down his arm and curled around his wrist. Ville managed a smile, although the touch only made his predicament worse. “I’ll be right back,” he whispered and moved to hurry into the bathroom when Lauri tightened his hold.

 

“Why the rush?” Lauri opened his eyes and saw Ville’s flustered face. He had a good idea on why the younger man was so eager to leave the bed. After all, he had the same problem.

 

“There’s something I need to do. It only takes a few minutes and I’ll be right back,” Ville promised.

 

“Hey, you don’t have to leave on my account…” Lauri’s hand slid higher and came to rest at the nape of Ville’s neck. “We’re both guys and I bet we’re facing the same problems.” He smiled reassuringly in the hope that Ville would put his trust in him. “We could take care of our problems together.”

 

Ville swallowed nervously. Although he had jerked off with his boyfriends before, this felt different because he would be doing it with Lauri and he was afraid he would embarrass himself in front of the more experienced man. “I’d like that,” he admitted. “But…”

 

“There’s no reason to feel shy,” Lauri whispered and then kissed Ville. They had gone to bed wearing t-shirts and boxers and Lauri snuck a hand beneath Ville’s shirt. Stroking the younger man’s abdomen, he turned onto his side and pulled the blond into his arms. “You smell good,” he said while inhaling Ville’s scent. “I wonder if you taste that good as well.”

 

Ville quavered as Lauri’s tongue slithered down his throat and he groaned in need. He lost control all together the moment Lauri’s fingers disappeared beneath the waistband of his boxers and wrapped around his erection. A low moan escaped his throat and he couldn’t help thrusting into Lauri’s hand.

 

“You can touch me too,” Lauri whispered as he pushed down Ville’s boxers. The hard flesh was finally freed of its confines and Lauri’s thumb ran across the head, making Ville tremble and close his eyes in bliss.

 

Ville sucked on his bottom lip, opened his eyes, and searched Lauri’s. A few seconds later, he let his hand slip below Lauri’s boxers and curled his fingers around the length, which made Lauri moan as well. Lauri sought out his lips again and they deepened their kiss while stroking each other. Ville closed his eyes to fully savor the experience and continued to thrust into Lauri’s hand. He didn’t want to come too quickly, but he was close. The whole situation overwhelmed him and, once Lauri broke off their kiss to breathe, Ville buried his face in the guitarist’s curls, groaning loudly. He was so close and so on edge that he forgot to stimulate Lauri in turn. Focused on his impending orgasm, he sucked the skin below Lauri’s collarbone and then his body seemed to explode with pleasure. Letting go of the flesh between his lips, he threw back his head and yelled.

 

Lauri grinned smugly and eased Ville onto his back. He caressed Ville’s face and left a trail of kisses down the younger man’s chest. Since Ville was lost in the throes of orgasm, Lauri finished the job himself and after a few firm strokes he reached his peak as well. After drawing in a deep breath, he pulled Ville close to him and nuzzled his throat. “You can wake me like that every morning,” he whispered, knowing Ville would love hearing something like that. The moment after such intimacy could be awkward the first time around. Stroking Ville’s hair, he waited for the blue eyes to open and focus on him.

 

Ville purred, stretched his body lazily, and then cuddled up to the older man. Pressing his cheek against Lauri’s chest, he rubbed the skin there and sighed contentedly. “That was great.”

 

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Lauri replied and placed a kiss onto the blond hair. He liked taking things slow with Ville. His instincts told him that it was the only way and since he cared deeply for the younger man, he was determined not to take any risks that might ruin this budding relationship.

 

~~~

 

With horror, Christus realized that only healthy food items were going into their cart. “Lettuce, cucumbers, rice, low fat meat… Do you want me to starve?”

 

“What’s wrong with eating healthy?” Juha inquired. A look at their groceries showed that he might have gone overboard. A little bit of fat, or one or two unhealthy products, wouldn’t be that bad. “What’s keeping you from adding things to the shopping cart?”

 

Christus smirked and started throwing stuff into their cart. Juha raised an eyebrow, just as the guitarist had expected, but didn’t say anything. Potato chips, pizzas, pasta… Christus added everything he loved to eat and as the pile continued to grow, Juha’s eyebrow climbed even higher. After adding some gin and vodka, Christus nodded. “We should be set for the next few days!”

 

Juha pushed the cart toward the counter and let Christus pay for everything, which the older man did without complaining. After all, Christus had put most of that stuff into their cart. They put everything into bags and carried the food to Juha’s car. After putting everything inside, Juha turned to Christus and asked, “Now what? Do you want me to drive us home or…?”

 

Christus considered it. It was only four in the afternoon and they weren’t expected at Jonne’s place until seven. “Would you like to have a drink at the Amadeus?” Maybe some of his friends would be hanging out there and then he could *really* show Juha off.

 

Juha nodded. “I can do with some coffee.”

 

“Coffee? I’m talking about Lonkero! Or beer!” Christus grabbed Juha’s hand and pulled him along.

 

~~~

 

Amadeus was already crowded, but mostly by strangers. Christus reckoned that most of the girls were fans that had come to the pub in the hope of seeing their favorite band members and he regretted his decision to go there almost instantly. He didn’t even attempt to get to the counter to order a beer. Juha had no problem moving through the crowd however and ordered beer for Christus and coffee for himself. Christus sent him a look full of longing. Why did these girls have to be there right then? Why not another time? Why now, when he wanted to be alone with Juha and introduce him to Tender and some other friends who had settled down in a shadowed corner?

 

He was as polite as possible towards the girls who threw themselves at him. A few of them wanted things signed, others their picture taken with him, and a few even asked for a kiss. He resigned himself to the onslaught for ten minutes and then tried to get away from them. Some of the girls followed him though. This had been a bad idea and Christus would rather leave, but then Juha handed him his beer, turned him around away from the girls, and guided him into a corner. The girls seemed to get the hint and remained at a distance, although he could still hear them talk, and at times some flash went off, telling him that he had been photographed again. “I’m really sorry about all that. I should have known better than…” Juha placed a hand on his and Christus sighed, relieved that the redhead was taking this so calmly.

 

“Let’s drink our beer and coffee and then we’ll leave.” It was getting more crowded with every passing minute as more and more girls found their way into the bar. Juha noticed the way they devoured Christus with their eyes. In a way, he felt pity for the guitarist, who no longer had any privacy when he went into public. “It’s okay. I know you can’t help it.”

 

“Next time, we’ll go somewhere else,” Christus said determinedly and quickly emptied his bottle. “I’m ready to go.” Normally he would have loved getting so much attention, but this time it unnerved him. Juha was also done with his coffee and Christus practically fled outside. Some fans even tried to follow him, but then he sped up and pulled Juha along. “Let’s get out of here.” He wanted to go home where he would have some peace and quiet and Juha to himself!

 

TBC

 

Part 3

Kiss of a saint

 

Although Christus hated tiring himself by carrying the groceries inside, he followed Juha’s instructions and put the bags onto the kitchen counter. He couldn’t help wonder when Juha had taken control of his life. Juha started to put the groceries away and Christus watched the redhead, amused. Juha seemed to know where everything had to go perfectly.

 

Juha was facing away from him and had to stretch in order to put some cans into the top cupboard. The shirt, already too short, rode up his flank and revealed skin. Christus approached the redhead from behind and wrapped an arm around his waist while pressing his groin against Juha’s buttocks. “Do you need me to give you a hand?” Juha trembled and the reaction wasn’t lost on Christus, who saw it as an encouraging sign. “You make me so horny! I can’t believe you’re not in need of some relief yourself.” Getting cockier, he slipped one hand beneath the shirt. He decided he would try again and this time he would try harder and get what he wanted.

 

Juha chided himself. He should have expected Christus to make another attempt, but he had been caught off-guard and the fingertips rubbing his skin felt good. A purring sound escaped him and he leaned back into the embrace. He would indulge himself for a moment and then move out of the embrace...at least that had been his plan. He hadn’t counted on the older man *really* making an effort to get into his pants!

 

Relishing the fact that Juha seemed more willing than in the morning, Chris slid one hand lower and unzipped the red pants. He nibbled on Juha’s neck and groaned into the redhead’s ear. The way Juha pressed back revealed that he might get his way with the redhead. Licking the sensitive skin near Juha’s neck, Christus slid a hand into Juha’s boxers and squeezed the hardening flesh. “Ah, maybe I’m more talented than you thought, eh, tease?”

 

Juha bit onto his bottom lip. He wanted to move away from the other man, but then Christus started to stroke his erection. He couldn’t stop himself and threw back his head, crying out softly when Christus stroked more firmly. The guitarist had caught him by surprise and it became all too clear to Juha that he had been neglecting his own needs. The fact that Christus had him moaning and thrusting his pelvis so quickly showed just how badly he craved the intimacy and that shocked him. Normally he had better control over his feelings.

 

Christus nuzzled Juha’s neck and kissed, sucked, and eventually bit into the sensitive skin. While his right hand was busy massaging Juha, his other moved higher and pinched a nipple, which hardened beneath the touch. “You need it bad, don’t you?”

 

Juha knew he was losing the game. He had lost control and Christus was in charge. He should move away, put some distance between them, but being touched that way felt good and, before he knew it, he had let go completely. His orgasm came quickly and ripped through him, making him scream in need.

 

“Hush now… You don’t want to let the neighbors know what I’m doing to you, do you?” Christus chided cheekily. He loved being in control for a change. Ever since Juha had entered his life, he had felt adrift and he liked things better this way. Milking the last droplets from Juha, Christus pressed even closer, making it very clear that he was erect too. “Will you let me fuck you now?”

 

Those words helped Juha regain control over his senses *and* his body. He felt lazy and his body was heavy, but he was once more alert enough to react and take the initiative. He couldn’t let the older man win – not yet anyway. “Thank you for that… You have talented fingers…” The words pleased Christus, who relaxed his hold. Juha used that to his advantage. He turned around, gave Christus the most wicked smile he was capable of, and then purred his reply. ”Fuck me?” He breathed heavily into Christus’ ear and the older man closed his eyes in bliss and Juha almost felt sorry for the other man. “No, I’ll never let you fuck me, but I would let you make love to me.” The tip of his tongue glided from Christus’ collarbone up to his chin and then he pulled away. “I’m going to take a quick shower since you made such a mess!” Juha turned and exited the kitchen with a huge grin on his face. That had turned out better than he had dared hope!

 

Christus stood there in shock and watched Juha stride out of the kitchen. What the fuck had that been about? He had just brought the redhead to orgasm and then Juha said *that* and left?

 

“Close your mouth, Chris… Your jaw’s about to hit the floor,” Juha remarked as he peeked around the corner and grinned at the guitarist. Seeing Christus reach for a roll of kitchen towels, he quickly stepped aside and heard a ‘plop’. Christus had actually thrown something at him! His grin broadened. Yes, everything was going just fine!

 

Christus’ eyes glowed with frustration. “You damn tease!” It took him a few minutes to sort himself out and, while he was still furious with Juha, he had also started to think about what the redhead had said. Juha had said that he would let him make love to him, but not let him fuck him. Even ‘Sir Christus’ knew what that meant by now. Juha wanted him to love him…

 

~~~

 

Tommi felt suspicious when he found Jonne and Jack rummaging about in the kitchen. “What are the two of you up to?”

 

“We’re making dinner!” Jonne smiled at Tommi and hoped his older brother wouldn’t realize how tired he felt. The nightmares had interrupted his sleep and had put him on edge.

 

“Hey, is everything okay?” Tommi eyed Jonne closely. He knew his brother well enough to know that something was wrong. “Tell me.”

 

“I had a nightmare… Nothing new… Nothing to worry about.” He smiled at Tommi, hoping his brother wouldn’t start to worry. “But everything’s fine now. Jack helped me get back to sleep. I’m just a little tired.”

 

Tommi gazed at Jonne worriedly. He knew about those nightmares. “You can always come to me too. You know that, don’t you?” Jonne nodded and leaned against Jack, who instantly wrapped his arms around him.

 

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Jack said, hoping to reassure Tommi.

 

“Yes,” Jonne added. “I’m in the best hands…”

 

Tommi nodded reluctantly. He didn’t like it that Jonne’s nightmares were coming back.

 

~~~

 

Juha grinned during the drive over to Jonne’s apartment. Christus was watching him with a mixture of despair, hope, and frustration. He hated doing this to the older man, but Juha hoped that Christus would confront his feelings in the end. And if he did, they might move on and be together. But everything was up to Christus as far as Juha was concerned.

 

Christus was locked in his own thoughts and paid Juha little attention, although he was constantly staring at him. What Juha wanted from him scared him. Juha wanted him to actually allow his feelings in. He hadn’t done that in years. He had locked his heart away after Jonne had rejected him. It had taken him so much courage back then to admit his feelings to the singer and then Jonne had turned him down. Gently and lovingly, but still, he had been rejected. And now Juha wanted him to unlock his heart and take another risk at heartache. Was he strong enough to do that? Could he take that risk only to find that they wouldn’t work out? But what if they meshed and their relationship deepened?

 

“Hey, your head must be hurting from all that thinking.” Juha had parked the car, removed his glasses, and ran his fingertips along Christus’ jaw. “You have lots to think about or am I wrong?”

 

Christus sighed, closed his eyes, and leaned into the touch. “I guess so, but my head reels and I don’t know what to think of any of this. I feel lost.”

 

“You’ll find it hard to believe, but feeling lost is good. It means you’re searching for new ways…new insights. Don’t force it.” Juha squeezed Christus’ hand and gave him a slow, sweet kiss. The older man sighed into the kiss and Juha smiled at him. “We shouldn’t make them wait.”

 

Christus nodded and the two of them got out of the car. Juha’s words had filled him with hope. Yes, maybe, just maybe, he would find the strength and courage to love again.

 

~~~

 

Because the kitchen was so small and there would be so many people attending dinner, Tommi had offered to get the dining table in the living room ready. Ville was quick to offer him his assistance and Jonne made Lauri stir the sauce again since he had done such a great job the evening before.

 

“Yeah, sucking up will get you everything,” Lauri remarked and then stirred the sauce. “And what’s your job?” he asked Jack, who had been watching him with a strange intensity. Had he done something to annoy the other guitarist?

 

“Jack…” Jonne gave Japa a look and then shook his head minutely, telling Jack not to bring up his nightmare.

 

Jack sighed and gave in. “Just ignore me. I’m frustrated… Too little sex…”

 

Jonne’s eyes widened. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

Jack merely grinned. “Does that mean we’re going at it again tonight?” He wiggled an eyebrow.

 

Jonne smiled coyly. “Probably.”

 

“Is that a promise?”

 

Jonne was about to answer when the doorbell rang. “Jack, can you get that for me?”

 

“I’ll just pretend I heard a yes before you asked me that!” Jack grinned and then opened the door. “Chris!” He hugged the older man close and then ruffled his hair, which made Christus squeal.

 

“Don’t! You have no idea how long it took me to style it like that!” Christus tried to fix his hair.

 

“You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you. You're so vain. I'll bet you think this song is about you. Don't you? Don't you?” Jack sang and grinned.

 

Juha burst out laughing. That song fit Christus perfectly.

 

“Ah, you’re right on time!” Tommi signaled them to remove their coats and go into the living room. “Dinner’s almost ready. I hope it’s edible, considering Jonne cooked the meal!”

 

“I heard that!” Jonne carried a bowl filled with rice over to the kitchen table. Lauri followed with two more bowls.

 

“Sit down!” Ville ordered as he placed the last few plates onto the table. “It smells good!”

 

“I love you, Ville! At least you have faith in my cooking!” Jonne hugged his brother close and then everyone sat down. Jonne noticed that they waited for him to taste the food first. Since he had already pre-tasted it, he knew the food was fine and started eating. Tommi took a bite, seemed to approve of it, and the rest started to eat.

 

“Not bad,” Tommi admitted. “Not bad at all. I didn’t know you could cook!”

 

“I bet you kept a secret so you wouldn’t have to cook every evening,” Ville quipped.

 

Jonne remained silent. Ville had gotten it right. Shifting his gaze from Ville, he smiled at Jack and watched his lover eat with relish.

 

~~~

 

Later that evening, they moved to the couches and started jamming. Christus, Jack, and Lauri had taken possession of the guitars that always roamed the Liimatainen household and were playing some songs. Jonne and Ville sang while Tommi enjoyed a cup of tea and watched them.

 

“Hey, I want to hear you sing too!” Jonne pointed at Juha. Unfortunately, he didn’t know any Reflexion songs and had no idea what kind of voice the singer possessed.

 

“Good idea!” Jack nodded. “What do you think, Chris?”

 

Christus grinned lopsidedly at Juha. “Do you know any Negative songs?”

 

Juha shrugged his shoulders. “I think I heard ‘The moment of our love’ a few times on the radio.”

 

Jack wasn’t so sure that was the right song for Juha. “Maybe some Reflexion song?” But the problem was that he had never played one.

 

“Give me that guitar,” Juha requested and Jack handed him the acoustic one. “It’s been a while though…” he apologized in advance. His fingers moved quickly and with ease as he started to play and then sing.

 

The rising sun

above the sleeping ground

it shines so bright

it hurts my tired eyes

beautiful sun reminds me of you

that I

m the one in dark

I’m so lost when we're apart

 

Juha made eye contact with Christus while he was singing, hoping the older man would realize that he was singing this song just for him.

 

Don’t get me wrong when I say, I'm the child in dark

You make me strong 'cause you bring the sun in my heart

Wherever you are is my home

 

Christus had heard Juha sing during the gig, but this was different. His voice was clearer, purer, and an innocence that he couldn’t identify clung to the lyrics. He felt entranced and didn’t even notice Jack grinning his way. He was too caught up in the melody, the voice, and the lyrics.

 

Don’t get me wrong when I say I’m the child in dark

You’ll keep me strong if you share the light in your heart

I hope you remember wherever you are is my home

 

The song ended and Juha looked up in surprise when everyone was quiet and staring at him. “Is something wrong?” he asked, wondering what was going on.

 

“That was beautiful,” Christus said and felt at a loss for words.

 

“You have an amazing voice,” Jonne commented. “And the song touched me. It really did.”

 

Even Tommi nodded. “You should find yourself a new manager! That song would easily make the top ten! If you ever want to switch managers, keep me in mind!” Tommi nodded firmly. “I’d love to manage you!”

 

“Thanks for the offer.” Juha smiled. “I’ll keep it in mind,” he added and seemed to brighten Tommi’s mood considerably with that.

 

~~~

 

Christus was remarkably quiet when they returned to the guitarist’s apartment. The older man had been lost in thought after he had sung that song. Juha had noticed and worried about him. He followed Christus into the living room where the older man sat down on the couch. Juha was torn between addressing Christus and letting him ponder whatever he was thinking about. Christus didn’t seem depressed or brooding, so in the end, Juha went into the kitchen and made some tea. He filled two cups and carried them into the living room. Christus hadn’t moved and was still staring straight ahead. Juha sat down and asked, “Did something upset you? My song maybe?”

 

Christus blinked when he realized that Juha was talking to him. He took hold of the cup and sipped carefully. There was so much going on in his head that he feared losing his mind. Somehow he had to make sense of what was happening. “Will you do me a favor?”

 

Juha wasn’t sure, but then nodded. “Depends on what you want from me.”

 

“Can you fetch me my guitar? It’s in the bedroom. I would get it myself, but I feel dizzy.” His head reeled with thoughts which he had pushed away for years.

 

Juha got to his feet and fetched the guitar. He placed it in Christus’ hands and then sat down on the couch at a distance so the older man had enough space to play if he wanted to. But then Christus seemed to reconsider.

 

“No, you take it.” Christus placed the acoustic guitar in Juha’s hands. “Play for me? Sing something for me?”

 

Christus’ request surprised Juha, but his fingers moved over the strings once more. He kept his gaze focused on the older man. He knew the chords by heart and started singing,

 

Memories running through your head

Alone and afraid there's monsters under your bed

Waiting for him to come home

 

Was his mind playing tricks on him or did Christus’ eyes swim with tears? But why would the other man cry?

 

The strangest feeling when darkness surrounds your mind

Screaming pain when you turn out to be right

The sad story again, leaves you nothing but pain, all in vain

 

Christus couldn’t contain the conflicting emotions any longer and tears slipped from his eyes. They rolled down his face and dripped from his chin onto his hands that rested idly in his lap. Unable to contain this emotional storm, he let it all out and wept.

 

Storm in your heart, it tears you apart

For so long you have wandered in dark

To find out the one who won't let you down

 

Juha placed the guitar aside and scooted closer to Christus. He embraced the older man gently. Pulling him close, Juha rocked him and continued to sing softly.

 

Storm in your heart it tears you apart

For so long you have wandered in dark

To find out the one who won't let you down

 

Juha continued to sing and rock Christus until the storm had finally passed. The green eyes dried and the older man finally raised his gaze to look at him. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t feel embarrassed. Crying will do you good. It’ll help.”

 

Christus knew Juha was right and that was why he had stopped fighting himself, but the tears were gone and he felt lighter inside, like a giant weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “I think I get it,” he mumbled and caressed Juha’s face.

 

“You get what?” Juha moved away a bit so he could look the guitarist in the eye.

 

Finding himself lost for words, Chris took hold of the guitar and moved a bit away from Juha so he could play. He knew his voice didn’t compare to Juha’s, but what he sang came from the heart. His fingers danced across the strings and he sang softly,

 

I've tried to kill the pain, but it keeps me in this circle

 

Christus’ eyes, which had been dry a moment ago, released a few more fat tears and he let them fall, knowing crying was helping him deal with all the pain which he had kept inside all these years.

 

It's hard to get away and I feel you again

You're with me

Love is a word

you gave it a name

 

The look Christus gave him was almost too much for Juha. The emotion that lay there was one he had not yet seen. It was love staring right back at him. Yes, Christus had finally gotten it!

 

Love is right now

So don't close your heart

I've been waiting all my life for

This Moment of our Love

with you

 

Christus then stopped playing and swallowed nervously. He had just admitted his love to Juha in his own way. The enormous risk he was taking scared him, since he was about to put his heart on the line and Juha had the power to crush it, like Jonne had done a few years ago and his first boyfriend before him, whom he doubted had ever really cared for him. “Just let me love you,” he whispered and raised a hand to touch Juha’s face. “And I will learn to love you right.” His fingertips felt wet and only then did he realize that Juha was crying too.

 

“Yes,” Juha whispered and nodded. “Yes…”

 

Christus blinked in surprise. Juha was saying yes to what?

 

“I believe in you. I’m in love with you. I’ll give us this chance.” Moving closer, Juha put the guitar onto the floor and climbed onto Christus’ lap. He mouthed his answer in Christus’ ear, “Just let me love you and I’ll learn to love you right.”

 

A blinding smile appeared on Christus’ face and he almost felt shy. “Kiitos,” he whispered and kissed Juha on the lips. “I’ll do my best not to let you down.” He meant it from the bottom of his heart. “I’ll make mistakes though. I’ll fuck up.”

 

“That’s okay,” Juha reassured him. “I’ll make mistakes too, but we’ll talk about them and then move on.”

 

Christus nodded and drew in a deep breath. He felt relieved that he was finally able to admit to himself that he was in love with Juha. And Juha was in love with him. Life had never before been that good to him and he was afraid that something bad would happen that would rip Juha from his life. He started trembling and wanted to say something, wanted to beg Juha to never leave him, but the words wouldn’t come.

 

Juha suspected though what was going on in Christus’ head and hugged him close. “Don’t be scared. Things have changed, but they have changed for the better.” Wiping away the tears that streamed down Christus’ face, Juha leaned in closer and claimed the older man’s lips reassuringly, kissing him lazily.

 

It was exactly what Christus needed and he started to calm down. Through the tears, he managed a smile and then he kissed Juha back, deepening their kiss and holding the redhead close. The last few days had been a rollercoaster ride and he knew it hadn’t ended yet. There was still more to come, but the worst was behind him. He had finally opened up and admitted the truth.

 

~~~

 

Christus let Juha lead him into the bedroom later that evening. Crying in Juha’s arms had worn him down and he felt drained. All he wanted was to go to bed and sleep, preferably with Juha close. He no longer thought of seducing the redhead and didn’t attempt anything when Juha helped him remove his clothes. Once he was naked, he slipped between the covers and curled up. Watching Juha undress, Chris longed to hold the younger man in his arms and he raised a hand for Juha to hurry.

 

Juha smiled at Christus and then slipped between the covers himself. He moved into the older man’s arms and looked into those green eyes, which were still glazed from crying. “I’ll stay close. Don’t worry. I won’t leave you.”

 

Nodding, Christus caressed Juha’s face and smiled lazily at the redhead. “I want to kiss you,” he whispered. He felt lost and needed Juha to take charge of the situation.

 

“Then why don’t you? Kiss me.” Moving even closer, Juha pursed his lips.

 

Christus pressed his lips onto Juha’s and kept the kiss innocent at first. Taking the next step, his tongue pressed against Juha’s lips and the redhead opened up for him. His tongue twined around Juha’s and he closed his eyes. The kiss was wonderfully sweet and Juha felt warm in his arms. It surprised him that he felt no need to seduce the redhead again. For some reason, this was all he needed. He wanted to kiss and be kissed. He wanted to hold and be held. For the first time ever he had the feeling he belonged. A few days ago that would have scared him, but now he realized it felt right. “I love you,” he whispered while blinking. The admission had slipped from his lips unintentionally.

 

“I love you too,” Juha replied and ran his fingertips along Christus’ jaw. “I’m so happy that you finally get the difference between what you wanted in the past and what I’ve been wanting all along.”

 

“This is what you want.” Chris nodded. “You want me to be open and honest. You want me to accept my feelings.” A cheeky smile surfaced on his face. “You wanted me all along, didn’t you? You were just better at hiding it!” He had finally figured Juha out! “You’re not really a tease, are you?” Recalling something Mikko had said to him the evening of the gig, he added, “You’re a romantic, but why the whole act?”

 

Juha slid a hand into the black hair and then massaged the nape of the older man’s neck. When he looked at the guitarist, his expression was open and inviting. “It stopped you from brooding. You were so frustrated about not having your way with me that you stopped feeling depressed.” A sly grin appeared on Juha’s face. “I had to find a way to make you admit your feelings.”

 

Christus sighed. “You did that on purpose? Do you have any idea how frustrated I was that you wouldn’t give in to me?”

 

“It helped you sort out your feelings, didn’t it?” Juha nuzzled Christus’ throat and showered the skin with light kisses.

 

Chris had to close his eyes. The sensation that Juha’s lips created against his skin made him feel tingly all over. “Yes, it did…” Opening his eyes, he studied Juha. “Does that mean the tease’s gone now? In a way I liked you acting that way. In the past, I was used to getting anything and anyone I wanted. You changed that. You make me work for it.”

 

Juha shrugged. “I only followed my instincts. I had no idea if it would work. I could only hope that you’d want to be with me badly enough that you would search your feelings. It could have backfired on me.”

 

“But it didn’t.” Christus ran his fingers through the long, red strands, enjoying the way they felt. “So, tell me. What are your plans now? What are you going to do next now that you accomplished what you set out to do...namely turning my life around?”

 

Juha had no ready answer. “I don’t know.” He pondered the question. “I want to get to know you better, spend time with you – date you,” he said with some of his former cheekiness. “But I’ll also have to go home sometime and show up at work. I need the money.” He hated having to bring up reality, but they had to address it eventually. “I want to be in close contact with you. I’m not letting you slip away, believe me!”

 

Christus nodded. “So you’ll head back to Helsinki?”

 

“Not yet. I still got some vacation time left. I’ll stay a few more days and after that, we’ll find a way to manage. But let’s not yet think of that.” Juha snuggled closer and rested a hand possessively on Christus’ abdomen. “I can always move to Tampere. My firm has a number of clients here, so I could even continue to work for them.”

 

“Or you could resign and focus on your music!”

 

Juha smiled against Christus’ chest. “That’s a nice idea, but I need to pay my bills.”

 

Christus couldn’t believe he was about to suggest this, but he went ahead anyway. “Why don’t you move in with me?” At that, Juha raised his head and gave him a puzzled look. “I know, we’ve only known each other for a week, but somehow it seems right. I like having you about. Ever since I moved here the place felt dead to me, but now that you’re around, I actually enjoy spending time at home!”

 

“I’ll think about it. Please don’t feel disappointed because I don’t accept your offer right away, but we need to be realistic.”

 

Christus sighed. “I know you’re right, but it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?” A big yawn escaped his lips and he smiled apologetically. “I’m tired.”

 

“Then sleep.” Juha tucked the blanket around their forms and stroked the black hair until Christus’ eyes had closed and his breathing had evened out in sleep. “I love you,” he whispered and kissed the black strands. “We’ll find a way to make this work, I promise.”

 

TBC

 

Part 4

Autumn harmony

 

Ville leaned in closer and whispered into Lauri’s ear, “Why don’t you take me to your place? We’ll be undisturbed there. Tommi can’t watch us there.” Ville caught the suspicious look Tommi gave him, but merely smiled in turn. He wasn’t going to let his oldest brother ruin his fun! He was old enough to know what he wanted! And that was Lauri!

 

Lauri was having second thoughts however. He knew Tommi was merely looking out for Ville and he didn’t want Tommi to think that he was taking advantage of Ville.

 

“Come on. We can watch some television and snuggle up on your couch! I just don’t want Tommi to watch me constantly!” He really had no ‘dishonorable’ intentions, but Lauri seemed to think that judging by the look he got. “I just want to kiss and make out. I’m not ready yet to…” He blushed and averted his gaze.

 

“Hey, I’m fine with that. Don’t pressure yourself!” Lauri patted Ville’s shoulder. “All right then, let’s go.” He got to his feet and pulled Ville along. “Say goodbye to your brothers.”

 

Ville grinned. He winked at Tommi and Jonne and then said, “Don’t wait up for me. I’m spending the night at Lauri’s place.”

 

Tommi quickly shot Lauri a warning look and the curly-haired guitarist nodded to show he’d understood. He would take good care of Ville. Ville turned quite energetic all of a sudden and Lauri was pulled into the corridor.

 

Tommi turned his attention to Jonne as he sat on the couch with a cup of coffee. There was something he needed to talk to him about. “Jonne?”

 

Jonne had made himself comfortable in Jack’s arms and reluctantly opened his eyes to look at his brother. He was still tired and resting in Jack’s arms felt wonderful. Jack had put some pillows at one end of the couch to lie on while Jonne had stretched out on the couch in front of his lover. Leaning back, his back rested against Jack’s chest as the older man’s arms enfolded him. “Yes, Tommi?

 

“I had a call earlier today when I was at the record company. They’re offering us a festival gig if we want it. I told them I would think about it. I wanted to ask you first.”

 

Jonne appreciated that. “I’m fine, Tommi. The flu’s gone and the asthma back under control. Take the gig.”

 

“It’s in two days. That’s why I wanted to ask you first. Are you really sure you’re up to it? I don’t want a repeat performance of what happened a few weeks ago. Have you really recovered? And tell me the truth!”

 

Jonne nodded. “I’m fine, Tommi.”

 

“Would you tell me if you weren’t? Will you please let me know when to give you a break should you feel drained again?”

 

Jonne nodded again. “I will. I learned my lesson. Accept the gig. We’ll rock the place!”

 

Jack felt Tommi’s eyes upon him and he wondered why at first, but then he understood. Tommi wanted to know if Jonne was really up to performing again. Jack considered everything for a moment and then nodded. Yes, he agreed with Jonne.

 

“Okay then,” Tommi said. “I’ll tell them you’ll perform.” Then he grinned. “You’ll have fun at that festival too, Jack.”

 

“And why is that?” Jack shot Tommi a puzzled look.

 

“Because Private Line will be performing there as well, just as is Reflexion.”

 

Jack shrugged. He loved to play so one more gig was no big deal. “I’m surprised Juha didn’t bring that up.”

 

“That’s because he doesn’t know it yet.” Tommi grinned. “I happen to know his manager though and figured it couldn’t hurt for them to have some extra gigs.”

 

Jonne shook his head. “That’s so typical for you! You always get involved!”

 

“I’d hate to see such talent go to waste,” Tommi replied. “Ah, I’m sure it’ll be fun. You can watch each other’s gigs!”

 

Now that would be interesting indeed...the thought made Jonne grin. “I’m already looking forward to that festival!”

 

~~~

 

Ville purred: he loved Lauri’s comfortable couch since it was big enough for them to both lie on their sides and not fall off. Lauri lay spooned behind him and Ville pressed back against the warm body. He didn’t mind that they were watching some dumb old Elvis movie because Lauri continued to stroke his thigh. He was no big fan of Elvis, like Jonne and Lauri were, but he watched it to please the older man.

 

It was weird in a way. Ville had had a number of boyfriends, but nothing long term mostly due to his tender age. With Lauri he hoped that things would be different. Growing tired of the movie, he turned and moved closer to Lauri.

 

Lauri raised an eyebrow questioningly. “I thought you liked the movie?”

 

“I’m not that big an Elvis fan. Jonne is though. Maybe you got that mixed up.” Closing his eyes and sighing contentedly, he snuggled closer and draped an arm across Lauri’s hip. “This is nice.”

 

Lauri agreed – this was nice. He grew more and more convinced that taking things slow with Ville was the right thing to do. So he kissed the blond hair, continued to take pleasure in his favorite movie, and simply enjoyed being together in such a peaceful way.

 

~~~

 

Christus woke to seductive kisses in the morning. His lips twitched at the contact and opened to allow in Juha’s tongue. Still keeping his eyes closed to savor the moment even more, Christus sighed and pulled Juha on top of him. The redhead straddled him and he took in Juha’s form. He liked being kissed awake in the morning. “Did you sleep well?” He caressed Juha’s face. Juha nodded and Chris’ fingertips brushed against his face. “Now what?”

 

“I have an idea…” Juha grinned predatorily. “That is, if you’ll play along.”

 

“And what might that be?” Christus pressed deeper into the mattress and stretched.

 

“Oh, you’ll find out. Don’t worry.” Juha moistened his lips and scooted lower. First, they kissed their way down Christus’ throat and then the tip of his tongue peeked out and slid to a nipple. Closing his lips around the bud, he licked it teasingly. Christus moaned and hardened beneath him. Grinning like a cat, Juha rubbed his lower body against the older man’s groin.

 

“Too bad you’re wearing boxers,” Christus complained as he opened his eyes again to fasten his gaze upon Juha.

 

“Patience is a virtue,” Juha quipped wickedly. “Now let me!” Moving his hands down Christus’ flanks, Juha lavished the other nipple with attention. He bit softly into the hard flesh, coaxing a throaty groan from Christus. “You like that, don’t you?”

 

Christus groaned again. Juha robbed him of his senses. The man was even a tease when he was trying to be sweet! Fingernails scrapped across his nipples and the sensation made him thrust. Juha’s tongue dipped into his belly button and he chuckled. “Behave…”

 

“You don’t want me to behave. Don’t lie.” Grinning naughtily, Juha nuzzled Christus’ groin and licked along the older man’s erection. Christus’ reaction was instantaneous as his eyes opened and he thrust again while his hand moved to Juha’s hair automatically. Juha lifted his head and heat rose from the pit of Christus’ groin as he saw the expression in those clear, green eyes. “You’re right. I don’t want you to behave!” Christus’ eyes widened as he watched Juha close his lips over the head of his erection and the moist warmth that surrounded that part of him finally registered. Clawing the mattress, Christus tried to control the urge to thrust.

 

Juha placed his hands on Christus’ hips and peeked at the other man, who seemed lost in lust. Smiling, he continued to lick the hard flesh and then blew onto the head.

 

That particular action made Christus tremble and he stared deeply into Juha’s eyes. It was obvious that he was dealing with an experienced partner and no virgin. Juha knew how to pleasure him.

 

“Just enjoy the ride,” Juha mouthed and then went down to business, wrapping his lips around Christus’ length and taking him completely. Christus’ reaction was to thrust, but Juha kept him in place. Relaxing his throat and besting the reflex to gag, he made sure his long hair caressed Christus’ skin with every move he made.

 

Christus thought he had died and gone to heaven. The feeling was divine and he closed his eyes in bliss, concentrating on the sensations Juha had woken in him. His hand found its way into the red hair and he massaged Juha’s scalp, barely stopping himself from urging the younger man to move faster. When Juha started to moan loudly, he completely lost it. His orgasm started deep in the pit of his stomach and then vibrated through his entire body. Damn, that was intense! Pulling Juha away from his groin, he claimed the younger man’s lips and tasted himself. Staring at the redhead, his breathing started to slow down again. “Kiitos,” he whispered as he realized the gift that Juha had just given him.

 

Juha purred, rubbed his cheek against Christus’ shoulder, and then slipped off the guitarist. Lying on his back, he grinned. “Come on, ‘fess up and tell me how good I am!”

 

“You’re damn good, baby.” Chris turned onto his side, placed his elbow on the mattress, and supported his head. “And it was very unexpected.”

 

Juha turned his head so he could look at Chris. “But also very welcome, I bet!”

 

“Definitely. You’ve been teasing me long enough! You’d better start to deliver!” He scooted closer to the redhead, wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him close. “I want more.” Claiming Juha’s lips, he straddled the younger man and looked him in the eye. Christus realized that something had changed. In the past, he had always been focused on making sure his needs were met, but now he wanted to pleasure Juha instead. He wanted the green eyes to blaze with lust and the lips, already bruised from kissing, to release moans. He wanted Juha to tremble with pleasure and he wanted to be the person responsible for making the redhead come. Going down on another man was something he normally didn’t do. He’d only done that twice or thrice in his life, but now he wanted to make Juha scream his name in pleasure.

 

The driven light in Christus’ eyes warned Juha that something unexpected was about to happen. “What are you up to?” The look made him tremble in anticipation and he knew in that instant that he would let the older man do whatever he wanted. He had fought for a long time, but had finally surrendered. Did Christus know that? Had the older man realized that yet?

 

“You’ll find out. Be quiet now. You’ll give into me, won’t you?” He read the surrender in Juha’s eyes and purred. “Good.” He felt content knowing that Juha wanted this too. Leaning in closer, he pressed his lips to the redhead’s and his tongue penetrated the moist mouth, chasing Juha’s tongue until the younger man moaned pitifully. Christus grinned and allowed for their tongues to twine, which added to the intensity of their kiss. At the same time, his hands roamed the younger man’s body possessively. He rubbed the nipples until they hardened and let one hand slide lower until his thumb brushed against the head of Juha’s erection.

 

Juha couldn’t help moaning under Christus’ cunning caresses. They set his body on fire and he craved more. He was painfully hard and he thrust in need against the older man. “Chris… I need… I can…do it…myself…if you…”

 

“Don’t talk,” Christus whispered. He claimed Juha’s lips again and licked along the other man’s top lip, making Juha squirm beneath him. Curling his fingers around the shaft, he stroked leisurely, making sure he wasn’t pushing the other man over the edge yet. He released Juha’s lips and studied the redhead, who had thrown back his head and started to pant. Juha was a vision of fire and lust and Christus felt himself harden again. For one moment, he considered taking Juha right then and there, but he dismissed the idea, which startled him. It wasn’t like him to dismiss a fuck. But then it hit him. He didn’t want to fuck Juha. He wanted to make love to him...but not now, not yet. He wanted the moment to be right...special!

 

“Chris…have pity…on me…please!” Juha was seriously considering taking the matter into his own hands when Christus stopped all movement. Looking into the older man’s eyes, he found them clouded. Oh not now. Please don’t let him start brooding now, Juha prayed. Lifting himself away from the mattress, he slung his arms around Christus’ neck and captured the guitarist’s lips once more. “Please, Chris…” Letting himself fall onto his back again, he panted hard, hoping Christus had returned to his senses and would finish what he had started.

 

The kiss had done the trick and Christus shook himself from his musings. “Anteeksi,” he apologized. “You look so hot like that…I…” He smiled apologetically. “I’ll make it up to you!” Christus pressed his lips to Juha’s chest and then kissed his way down, licking an erect nipple on the way down the heaving chest and then across the singer’s flat abdomen. Hearing Juha suck in his breath and then whimper made Christus grin. While keeping his fingers wrapped around the hard flesh, his lips closed over the head and he bestowed a teasing lick onto it. Juha thrust at once and Christus pinned him to the bed. Once the redhead couldn’t move so much, he went down to business. Recalling all the little licks, sucking, and nibbling he enjoyed himself, he released those caresses onto Juha as well, drawing needy moans from the younger man.

 

Juha closed his eyes and reached for the bedposts. He curled his fingers around them for support and released a throaty groan when Christus suddenly took him into his mouth completely. Trying hard not to thrust, Juha concentrated on the sensations Christus had awoken in him and he bit his bottom lip in frustration. He was close, but whenever he threatened to peak, Christus would stop sucking him.

 

Christus raised his head to look at Juha’s face. A play of emotions flashed across the handsome features, showing how close to orgasm the redhead was. Finally taking pity on him, he stroked the erection firmly while licking the head. Juha cried out as he grew tense beneath him before climaxing. Christus immediately claimed Juha’s lips and his fingers milked the last drops from the younger man’s member. Once Juha had climaxed, Christus stole a hand towards his groin and brought himself off with a few firm strokes. He collapsed on top of the redhead and trembled. If he reacted like this to mere foreplay, how would he act when they actually made love? Nodding against Juha’s chest, he realized that he had been fooling himself all those years. Mere fucking wasn’t enough. He wanted this...he wanted more! Juha enfolded him in a loose embrace. Christus drew in a deep breath and looked Juha in the eye. “You’re right.”

 

Juha smiled and nodded. “This is much better, isn’t it? The feelings involved make it better.”

 

Christus nodded against Juha’s chest. “You’re right. This *is* different. It’s better.” He rested his head against Juha’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He had never really believed in love – or finding true love – but Juha had shown him how wrong he was. Juha loved him and, god help him, he loved the redhead back!

 

~~~

 

“A gig? We have a festival gig? Tomorrow?” Lauri blinked in surprise. “Thanks for letting us know, Tommi.” The look Nakki shot him showed that this was news for the keyboarder as well. Come to think of it, Antti and Jay looked equally surprised. Christus looked out of it at any rate as he held hands with Juha, who sat next to him. They had gathered in Jonne’s apartment, who had been the only one to have knowledge of the festival gig.

 

“Tomorrow?” Christus cringed. This was a bad idea. “We haven’t rehearsed in weeks!” They had taken a break since Jonne had been recovering. “If we have to play like this, unprepared and without having had rehearsed, we’ll sound like shit!”

 

“Surely it won’t be that bad,” Tommi said, trying to reassure Christus. “You know the notes by heart and Jonne the words – well, most of the time he does.” That remark earned him a dirty look. “Jonne, it’s true!”

 

Jonne knew it was true, but that didn’t mean Tommi had to remind him. Singing in English was difficult! He sighed and wished that Jack was still at his side, but the guitarist had left for Helsinki an hour ago for rehearsal purposes and they wouldn’t see each other again until the festival. This sucked!

 

Christus glanced at Juha questioningly. “You’re so fucking calm!” Juha hadn’t known about the gig either until Tommi had told the front man, but the younger man remained unfazed.

 

Juha shrugged. “I’m a natural. I don’t forget my lyrics and Reflexion can’t rehearse that often anyway, so this is no problem.” He had complete trust in his band mates. He noticed that Antti kept stealing glances in his direction and he wondered why the bass player kept checking him out.

 

“How about we rehearse this evening?” Jay suggested.

 

Jonne nodded. “That would be the best thing to do. I hope no one has made plans for tonight.” The look of disappointment that Lauri and his younger brother exchanged wasn’t lost on him. “Anteeksi,” he mouthed to Ville. “But you know what this business is like.”

 

Oh yes, Ville knew that damn well. “Can I accompany you?” Then he would be able to see Lauri play and he wouldn’t be stuck at home with Tommi that night. Jonne nodded and Ville’s mood brightened again.

 

“I can’t tag along though,” Juha told Christus apologetically. “I need to collect some things from my apartment.” He wasn’t going to perform wearing one of Christus’ pink shirts. He wanted to wear his own clothes.

 

“Will you spend the night in Helsinki then?” Christus felt a sharp pang of loss as he realized that there was a possibility that they would be apart that night. It was strange, but even after only a few nights he had come to count on Juha’s company. Squeezing Juha’s fingers gently, he looked at Juha pleadingly.

 

Antti grinned and wiggled an eyebrow when Lauri’s gaze met his. The two of them had been wondering the same thing about who would win the bet. Did Juha and Christus already have sex? And if yes, who had been on top? And how would they find out?

 

“If I leave now…” Juha checked the time. “I might be back before midnight.”

 

Christus sighed. He didn’t want Juha to leave, but if that meant they could share a bed that night he would choose the lesser evil. “Drive carefully,” he whispered and then kissed Juha on the lips. “Don’t rush. Even though I want you back as quickly as possible, it’s not worth taking any risks. There are some idiot drivers out there and trust me, I know! I used to be one of them before they took away my driver’s license!”

 

“I’ll be careful,” Juha promised and let go of Christus’ hand. After smiling at the black-haired man one more time, he left.

 

“Someone’s in love…someone’s in love…” Antti sang.

 

“Shut up!” Christus shot a look of irritation at Antti.

 

“But it’s the truth, isn’t it?” Jonne smiled warmly at Christus. “I didn’t want Jack to leave either, but…” He left the sentence unfinished, knowing Christus would understand.

 

“Being in love sucks,” Christus commented in depression.

 

“It’s only for a few hours!” Tommi shook his head. “You’d better concentrate on getting your parts right instead of thinking of getting laid.”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Tommi!” Christus was tempted to throw something at Tommi, but Jonne’s look revealed that he wasn’t the only one suffering.

 

“Oh man,” Nakki commented. “I do hope you guys won’t fuck up!” It was rather obvious that neither Jonne nor Christus were able to focus.

 

~~~

 

Rehearsal went better than Nakki had thought. Christus surprised him with a perfect solo and Jonne even remembered his lyrics. Maybe the two of them being in love was good for the band after all!

 

They rehearsed for two hours, worked out a set list, and then decided to call it quits. Tommi had sat in during rehearsal and told them what time to be ready before Nakki, Antti, and Jay left for home. Christus stalled for another thirty minutes, claiming that he would go mad alone at home, but then Tommi kicked him out and he had no choice but to head home too.

 

Looking at his youngest brother, Tommi found that Ville was once more holding hands with Lauri. “Go home and make out!” He couldn’t bear the pleading looks Ville was giving him. “I’m not forcing you to stay!”

 

Ville acted at once and pulled Lauri with him, leaving Jonne alone with Tommi.

 

Wanting to make certain that everything was all right with Jonne, Tommi joined his brother on the couch. Once the rehearsal had come to an end, Jonne had turned remarkably quiet. “Are you missing Jack that badly?” Tommi inquired.

 

Jonne shrugged. “Probably.” He was restless and didn’t feel like performing the next day. His stage act had become just that – an act – and these days he was actually relieved once he exited the stage. He didn’t like this persona he became during a gig.

 

Tommi moistened his lips and plunged ahead, not knowing how to approach the subject he wanted to discuss. “I talked to my boss.” Jonne glanced at him suspiciously, which Tommi understood only too well. “I talked to them about your stage show.” He had to be careful and would decide his next step depending on Jonne’s reaction.

 

“What do they want me to change this time?” Jonne had long resigned himself to his fate. He had become a puppet and the record company pulled his strings, making him dance to their tune.

 

Tommi swallowed hard and took Jonne’s hand in his own. “I’ve been trying to explain to them that you’re unhappy with the way things are now.” Jonne’s eyes widened with shock and Tommi cringed. “I used some dirty tactics to get my point across, but at least they’re now rethinking their policy.”

 

“What do you mean?” Jonne felt lost. Tommi was speaking in riddles as far as he was concerned.

 

“I asked your fans to write in and tell them what they want out of your stage performance. I wasn’t surprised when the majority of them wanted the old Jonne back.”

 

Jonne’s eyes widened even further. “What did you say? What did you do?”

 

“Most fans don’t like you acting all ‘manly’ on stage. They want the real you back. They never allowed themselves to be fooled.” Jonne’s perplexed look made Tommi flinch. “The record company is only interested in sales – you know that. And if your fans are more willing to buy your records when you change your image again…”

 

“Tommi, what’s this all about? Don’t tell me they’d be okay with me kissing Chris or Lauri on stage! And you know what I mean when I say kissing!” Jonne didn’t mean the quick kiss they shared these days.

 

“They’re willing to give you more freedom on stage,” Tommi said eventually.

 

“Tommi, I don’t think I can…” He didn’t think he could go back to being himself on stage. It had become an act.

 

Tommi sighed. “I know this is sudden – unexpected, but… I want you to be happy again and this is such a huge part of your life. You should be able to be yourself when you’re on stage!”

 

“I appreciate it,” Jonne replied as he rose from the couch. “But it’s a bad idea. I can’t risk us losing our contract.”

 

“Jonne, it’ll be okay!” Tommi got to his feet too. “They’ll have to listen once…”

 

Jonne shook his head. “Thanks for trying, Tommi, but I don’t think I can go back to showing people that side of me ever again.” Bowing his head, Jonne swallowed hard. “It’s a show, Tommi. That’s all it is.”

 

Hearing that cut right into Tommi’s soul and he pulled Jonne into his arms. “It shouldn’t have to be that way. Jonne, it doesn’t have to be that way!” But Jonne didn’t react and Tommi started to suspect that it would take time and lots of effort to convince Jonne that it was all right to be himself on stage again.

 

~~~

 

Originally Tommi had wanted to go home after the rehearsal. It had been too long since he had been in his own apartment. But Jonne’s reaction to their conversation worried him. His younger brother seemed distant and depressed and so Tommi decided to spend another night at Jonne’s apartment. The moment they arrived, Jonne announced he was going to take a bath and locked himself  away in the bathroom, leaving Tommi feeling rather frustrated in the living room. Maybe he should have been more diplomatic during their talk, but… 

 

Upset, Tommi marched into Jonne’s bedroom and opened the closet. He wrestled himself a way through the black and white striped and dotted outfits which he hated and found some of Jonne’s older outfits.

 

“What are you doing there?” Jonne was wearing a morning robe with a towel slung around his hair as he stepped into his bedroom. He was surprised to find Tommi there searching his closet.

 

Tommi searched until he had found the items he had been looking for and placed them on the bed one by one.

 

“Tommi?” Jonne frowned and wondered why his older brother wasn’t answering him. “What’s going on?”

 

“Will you do me a favor?” Tommi raised his head and looked Jonne in the eye.

 

“What kind of favor? And what are you doing with my old clothes?” He had stuffed them in the back of his closet, not wanting to see them every time he searched for an outfit.

 

“Wear that outfit tomorrow during the gig?”

 

Jonne’s eyes became big and he stared at Tommi in bewilderment. “But…” His gaze shifted from Tommi to his bed. “I don’t wear that skirt anymore,” he said. “I don’t wear skirts, period!” He had always enjoyed wearing that black leather skirt. After buying it, Christus and he had ripped the fabric, creating a rather punkish look. The black pants which he used to wear beneath it had also found its way onto the bed. “Tommi, ei!”

 

But Tommi nodded and placed the shirt he had been looking for next to the skirt. “That look suits you!” The shirt was made of transparent black material and left little to the imagination. Rummaging about in the closet, Tommi found black shoes to go with it. “Will you wear that? Just for me? I seldom ask for favors,” he said and gave Jonne his best puppy dog look.

 

Jonne sighed. “You don’t play fair, Tommi.”

 

“I never said I did. But will you do it?”

 

Jonne nodded reluctantly. “Just this once and, when we’re through with the gig, those clothes are gone.” He was either going to throw them away or give them away.

 

~~~

 

“Tommi?” Christus felt disappointed as he heard Tommi’s voice instead of Juha’s on the phone since he had hoped that the redhead had been on the other line. “What do you want?”

 

“I need a favor.”

 

“From me?” Christus was surprised. “What kind of favor?”

 

“I need you to do something for me. I want you to put the finishing touch to Jonne’s outfit tomorrow.”

 

Tommi’s request bewildered Christus. “What outfit?”

 

“You’ll see. Just take along your make up collection and hair styling products! I’ll see you tomorrow and thanks!”

 

Christus blinked in confusion. Tommi had terminated the call before he had been able to get more details and he wondered what the hell was going on!

 

~~~

 

“Jack?” Jonne had curled up in bed and was tucked away beneath his comforter. After Tommi had left, he had reached for his phone and had called his boyfriend. He desperately needed to discuss what had happened just that night.

 

“I’m here, babe. What’s wrong? You sound upset.” Jack felt lost as he stood in his living room amidst the mess he found himself in. He had forgotten that he had left in a hurry the last time he had been there and couldn’t find anything.

 

“Tommi’s gone crazy!”

 

Hearing the urgency in Jonne’s voice, Jack abandoned his search for his favorite white leather jacket and sat down on the couch after moving the pile of clothes there aside. “In what way?”

 

“He told me what to wear during the gig tomorrow and…” Jonne bit his fingernails, unable to control his unrest any other way.

 

“And that’s a problem why?” Jack rested his head back, trying to think of the spot where he had last put his jacket.

 

Jonne bit on his bottom lip. He had never told Jack about the record company’s demand that he change his stage performance. “I don’t want to wear those clothes. They’re old and…”

 

Jack suddenly got a pretty good idea of what was happening. “Let me guess, he pulled out some of the clothes Ville packed back when we were on that tour?” He recalled Jonne saying that those outfits no longer represented his style, but Jonne had looked damn hot wearing them!

 

“I changed my look and I don’t wan to go back being that feminine!” Frustrated, Jonne closed his eyes. “I’m sorry if I don’t make any sense.”

 

“You looked damn good in those clothes. It turned me on seeing you wear those bondage trousers and the combination of that pink and mesh shirt. Really, really hot”

 

Jonne swallowed hard. “But…” It was bad enough that he would look all girly in the clothes Tommi had selected, but he also knew his performance would change along with the outfit. There was no way he could act butch wearing those clothes! The softer side that he had come to hide and maybe even detest would pop out again!

 

Jack considered his next words very carefully. He had no idea if he had reached the correct conclusion, but he knew he had to say something. “Jonne, you look great. You looked great back then and you look great now. What’s the real problem? Why are you so afraid to show this side of yourself? I’ve seen many shows during the years, mostly because I was watching Chris play and I’ve seen you change.”

 

Jonne sucked in his breath. “But…”

 

Again, Jack didn’t give him a chance to speak. “Jonne, the last few times when I saw you on stage I felt like I was watching a stranger. In the old days… You know when Chris was all mad about you… You were different. More real in a way. I’m probably not making any sense, but…”

 

Jonne bowed his head. Jack was right of course. “I’m merely doing what they want me to do. They don’t want me emotional or feminine. They want me to be the lady’s man.”

 

“Jonne, who’s they?” Jack had the feeling he was finally making progress. “Who told you to change?”

 

“The record company of course. They hated the way Chris and I acted on stage… The kissing, the hugging…you know...that kind of stuff.”

 

Finally the pieces of the puzzle came together for Jack. “And that’s why you cut your hair off and cursed Ville for packing your old outfits?”

 

Jonne pressed deeper into the mattress. “Our contract was at stake, Jack. The band means everything to Chris and Lauri… I doubt they would make it without the band, the music...the gigs. It’s in their blood.”

 

“And you were willing to sell your soul to the devil? Jonne, damn it! Tommi’s right then!”

 

“I know he is,” Jonne admitted in a whisper. “But I’m not sure I can go back to being…me… on stage.”

 

“I wish I was there so we could discuss this in depth! Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Who’ll understand why this is so painful for you? Tommi perhaps?”

 

Jonne shook his head. “Tommi thinks I can go back to being me like that. Like it’s nothing but flipping a switch. I can’t talk to Ville either… I don’t want him to worry about me now that he’s finally happy.”

 

“How about Chris?” Jack suggested.

 

“Chris is waiting for Juha to get back. I don’t want to ruin their evening.”

 

“Hey, Chris is your friend! He’ll understand, trust me! Oh, Jonne, I’m so sorry that I’m in Helsinki right now. Go see Chris, please!”

 

Jonne wasn’t convinced though. “There’s nothing Chris can do about me having these problems. I have to sort out my thoughts myself.”

 

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow before the gig, all right? Negative’s headlining the festival and Private Line is on a few hours before you need to go on stage. I promise we’ll talk about this then!”

 

Jonne sighed. “Thanks, Japa. I love you for being so understanding and letting me rant.”

 

Jack’s features contorted. During the last few weeks he had thought Jonne’s self confidence had grown stronger, but this phone call had shown him differently. “Jonne, I love you and you’re not raving. I totally understand you.”

 

Jonne managed a weak smile. “I miss you.” He pulled a pillow close and hugged it. “Jack, I love you.”

 

“I love you too, babe, and we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

 

Jonne sighed again. “I don’t think talking will help, but yes, we’ll talk. Sleep tight, Jack.”

 

“Sleep tight, Jonne and dream something sweet.”

 

Jonne smiled. “I’ll do my best.” He just hoped that his nightmares would leave him alone that night.

 

TBC

 

Part 5

Already dead?

 

Ville made himself comfortable on Lauri’s couch and placed a big bowl filled with potato chips on his lap. Lauri was letting him choose the movie they’d watch and he had decided on one called National Treasure. He had no idea what it was about, but he *did* know it didn’t star Elvis! “Hey, how much longer do you need?” He was ready to start watching the movie and snuggling up to Lauri.

 

“I’m ready! Damn, you’re impatient!” Lauri stepped into the living room carrying two bottles of non alcoholic beer. Ville lifted the blanket he had tucked over his lap and Lauri quickly climbed into place next to the younger man. Ville leaned his upper body against him and Lauri embraced him. Snuggling up on the couch like this was nice. Damn, he was getting old if he was thinking about snuggling instead of having sex!

 

Ville sighed and closed his eyes. Concentrating on the way Lauri smelled and the way the older man was holding him was way more interesting than the movie they were watching. Nuzzling Lauri’s throat, he felt perfectly at ease.

 

Lauri however thought that the nuzzling meant that Ville wanted something more from him. “Do you want to move this to the bed or…?”

 

Ville grinned. “You have no television in the bedroom…” Then he opened his eyes and realized what Lauri had really been asking him. “You mean… You want to…?” He blushed to the roots of his hair.

 

Lauri realized his mistake and stuttered, “I thought you…”

 

They burst out laughing and grinned at each other. Ville was the first to speak up. “I’m okay with this. I’m really okay with taking things slow. I need that. I’m still shy about… being intimate with you on that… level…”

 

Lauri stroked Ville’s face and nodded. “Let’s make a deal so we don’t get these misunderstandings again, okay?”

 

“What kind of deal?” Ville asked curiously.

 

“You tell me when you feel like wanting to take the next step. Oh, my therapist would love me for saying that.” Lauri smiled. “Maybe therapy is finally paying off.”

 

“Yes, it’s important to talk.” Ville rested his head back against Lauri’s shoulder and gathered the guitarist’s hand in his. Rubbing the fingers, he added, “I’ll tell you, but for now, I like things the way they are. The kissing, the touching… I don’t think I’m ready yet for more.”

 

“That’s fine with me.” Lauri placed a kiss on the crown of Ville’s head. “I like it that way too.”

 

~~~

 

Christus had never been faster to answer the door than at that moment. A grin appeared on his face as he saw Juha standing there carrying an overnight bag and a metallic suitcase. “You made it back before midnight just like you said!” He wrapped an arm around the younger man and pulled him into the apartment. After closing the door, Christus guided Juha into the living room, where the redhead put down his luggage. Juha looked tired though and Christus pulled him close. “Do you want to go to sleep?”

 

Juha nodded. “It was a four hour drive total. I’m beat.” And it was late – already midnight and they would be picked up by bus at nine in the morning. Reflexion would be the second band to play at the festival and that meant they were on at three. “I hope you don’t mind… I really need some decent sleep.”

 

“That’s okay,” Christus replied and, while wrapping an arm around Juha’s waist, he led the younger man into the bedroom. “You took care of me these last few days. I’d love to do the same for you.” And that amazed him. Ever since he had allowed in his feelings, he had realized that he liked being there for Juha and making sure he was fine. While Juha removed his clothes, Christus pushed down the covers. Once he was naked, Juha slipped between the covers and Christus undressed. He joined Juha in bed a moment later and spooned up behind the redhead. He pulled Juha close to him and deeply inhaled the other man’s scent. “I never felt like this before,” he admitted softly because somehow he was afraid to speak them too loudly.

 

Although he was dead tired, Juha asked, “Like what?”

 

“I…” Christus searched for the right words. “I’m a very private person. I don’t trust easily. At times, I feel like I live in my own world and my only connection to reality is Negative...or Jonne and Jack to be exact. That changed when you entered my life. For the first time I feel the need to take care of someone else. I always took care of my own needs and I didn’t care much about the rest. Jonne and Jack are important to me, but…” He swallowed hard. “Am I making any sense at all?”

 

Juha turned in the embrace and looked Christus in the eye. “You must have been lonely in a way.”

 

“Maybe,” Christus whispered. “But until now, I hadn’t realized what I was missing out on. It’s only because of you that I started thinking.” Running his fingers through the red strands, he relished being that close to Juha. “I’m looking forward to the gig tomorrow. I want to see you on stage again. At Senssi, you were awesome!”

 

“Kiitos! But I doubt it’ll be anything like that when we have to play at three in the afternoon. It’s an odd time.” Juha snuggled up to Christus and rubbed his cheek against the older man’s shoulder. “I’ll watch your show later too.” Yawning, he closed his eyes. He wouldn’t be able to stay awake much longer.

 

“Go to sleep then.” Christus placed a kiss onto the red hair and stroked Juha’s back. He couldn’t remember having ever felt so contented like he did that very moment. Juha had fallen asleep in his arms and Christus knew he had finally found the one person he belonged with.

 

~~~

 

“Ei!” The scream cut through the silence that had bathed the apartment in peace only a second before. Panicking, Jonne fought off an imaginary attacker and fell out of the bed and landed on the floor. The fall woke him, and, wide-eyed, he stared into the darkness. The blinds were down and it was pitch black in the room, stopping him from recognizing his surroundings. In his mind, he was back in that hotel and somewhere, Lauri was waiting to wrap his fingers around his throat again. Suddenly real hands grabbed his wrists and he fought his attacker off while screaming at the top of his lungs, most likely waking the entire neighborhood.

 

“Jonne, it’s me! It’s Tommi!” Reaching blindly for the light switch, Tommi managed to flip it and the little lamp on the night stand illuminated the bedroom just enough for them to see each other. “You had another nightmare and I heard you scream!” Tommi looked Jonne in the eye, kept his distance for another minute, and then tried approaching his brother again. “See? It’s me...Tommi…” The madness left Jonne’s eyes and Tommi sighed. He slowly pulled Jonne against him and rocked him. “They’re back...your nightmares. I had hoped they’d be gone.” He tucked Jonne’s head beneath his chin and continued to rock his brother. “Maybe you should see that therapist again. He helped you deal with it back then as well.”

 

Jonne started to cry and Tommi realized that this wasn’t the right moment to discuss that. “Hey, you should get back in bed. The floor is cold and hard.” Tommi slowly and carefully pulled Jonne to his feet and then helped him sit down on the side of the bed. “I’ll stay with you tonight,” he stated and wouldn’t take no for an answer. “I’m not leaving you alone.” He lifted Jonne’s feet and helped his brother stretch out on his back. Then he lay down on his side and pulled Jonne into his arms.

 

Jonne was afraid to close his eyes, just in case he would relive that night all over again. He clawed at Tommi’s shirt and stared at the wall. The nightmare had been bad and very realistic. He had been convinced that he was back in that hotel room. Why had Ville brought that night up again? Why couldn’t he have let the matter rest? Tommi rubbed his back soothingly, but Jonne was still too stressed out to react to it.

 

“It’s over,” Tommi whispered and kissed Jonne’s hair. “Nothing like that will ever happen again. I promise.” He hoped he would be able to stick to his promise, knowing damn well that he couldn’t protect his brother twenty-four hours a day.

 

~~~

 

“Make it stop!” Christus pulled his pillow over his head and prayed that the alarm would stop all by itself. “I want to sleep!”

 

Juha reached for the alarm clock, switched it off, and stretched. “You’re not much of a morning person, are you?” Cocking his head, he studied the little bit of Christus’ face that showed from beneath the pillow. “We need to get up. The bus will pick us up in an hour.” Energetically, he jumped to his feet and headed for the bathroom.

 

“Why does he have to be a morning person? Why?” Christus tried to ignore the fact that he should be getting ready too. Juha was occupying the bathroom anyway, so it was the perfect excuse to go back to sleep. Within seconds, he had closed his eyes and was once more dozing.

 

~~~

 

Amused, Juha knelt on the bed, which dipped under his weight. Christus was hugging the pillow he had used to hide beneath and was snoring softly. Juha was determined to make the other man wake up. “Come on, Chris! You’re wasting time! You can sleep on the bus!” He removed the towel which had been covering his wet hair and straddled Christus’ waist. “Wake up!” Leaning in closer, he bowed his head and let his long, wet hair fall onto Christus’ chest. Playfully, he bit into a nipple.

 

Christus’ eyes opened with a start. There was something wet and sharp attacking him and he tried to push the attacker away, but when he saw it was Juha, he merely sighed in resignation. “You’re really determined to ruin my morning!”

 

Juha brushed Christus’ lips with his and then whispered, “Is this an awful way to wake up then?”

 

Christus considered the question. If only it wasn’t so damn early! “I’m not much of a morning person,” he confessed.

 

“Such a pity because I am!” Juha rubbed his lower body against Christus’ groin and winked. “I’ll have to take matters into my own hands then!”

 

Before Christus could react, the redhead had vanished into the bathroom, leaving him frustrated. “Fuck,” Christus whispered. Maybe if he had played it right, he might have gotten some satisfaction out of it as well! Or was Juha only pulling his leg? Way too many questions in the morning. Christus turned onto his side and closed his eyes, hoping he would fall asleep again.

 

~~~

 

Ville had woken before Lauri did and had the chance to study the curly-haired guitarist. Lauri had offered him the use of his bed the other night, saying that he would take the couch, but Ville had rejected that offer. Instead of Lauri crashing on the couch, Ville had suggested that they share the bed. Lauri had been reluctant at first: not because he didn’t want Ville in his bed, but because he had been worried it might entice them into going further than they had agreed on. But then Ville had nestled himself in Lauri’s arms and the two of them had fallen asleep rather quickly.

 

Ville curled a lock of Lauri’s hair around a finger and studied the older man. A part of him wanted Lauri to wake up so they could talk and he could look into his eyes again, but another part wanted Lauri to stay asleep so he could caress and hold him in turn.

 

Unexpectedly the alarm went off and Ville cringed. He reached for the alarm clock and tried to switch it off, but he failed to find the switch. The sound had woken Lauri as well and the older man quickly switched it off. A lovely silence finally returned to the bedroom.

 

Still groggy from sleep, Lauri opened an eye and, seeing Ville, he smiled. “Huomenta,” he whispered and gave the younger man a good morning kiss. “Did you sleep well?”

 

Ville nodded. “And you?”

 

“Just fine…” He often had periods of insomnia, but so far, they hadn’t surfaced. Maybe Ville’s presence and the fact that he had stopped drinking helped. “You’re coming along, aren’t you?”

 

Ville nodded. “It would be great to see all those bands perform. I never saw Reflexion except for that one time and I’ve only seen Private Line twice.” He scooted closer to Lauri.

 

“But you need to keep your wits about you,” Lauri said. “Most of the time events like these are… dangerous. There’s alcohol everywhere and other drugs are easily available. So be careful.”

 

“I’ll keep an eye on you and you’ll look after me, yes?”

 

Lauri nodded. “I like that idea.” Kissing Ville again, he pulled the younger man on top of him. “I wish we had more time. You’re an excellent kisser.” Ville blushed and Lauri brushed the blond hair away from the younger man’s face. “You really are,” he reiterated, hoping that if he said it often enough, Ville would finally start believing it.

 

~~~

 

Tommi wasn’t sure Jonne was awake yet, but a look at the clock showed that the alarm was about to go off. He had set the alarm early and he reached out to switch it off. Jonne could afford getting another hour’s worth of sleep before he had to get ready.

 

“Don’t  I need to get up?” Jonne raised his head and looked at Tommi.

 

“Ei,” Tommi responded and shook his head. “Close your eyes and rest for another hour. You need it.” He rubbed Jonne’s back and held him close. During the second part of the night the nightmares thankfully hadn’t surfaced again. “We won’t be late if you sleep a little longer and even if we’re late, I’m in charge. No one will scream at us for being late.”

 

Jonne lowered his head onto Tommi’s shoulder again. “I don’t think I can sleep anymore. I’ve been awake for about an hour.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I thought you were still asleep.” Jonne moved about until he could look at Tommi. “You’re right. I need to call that therapist again.” Tommi stroked his hair and shivers ran down his spine. It wasn’t a good sign that he felt like an emotional wreck first thing in the morning. Maybe he would feel better once Jack was at his side again.

 

~~~

 

“Kiitos,” Lauri said and felt grateful to have Ville helping him out. They had lingered in bed a little too long, so as a result they’d had to hurry to get organized. Ville had made a quick breakfast, had fed him coffee, and during all that, had even helped him pack his clothes and guitars. It was no wonder that when they made their way to the tour bus fully packed and wobbling that Lauri gazed at Ville gratefully.

 

Ville smiled back and helped Lauri store his stuff. Being needed was nice and he sighed contentedly when he sat down next to Lauri on the bus. A quick look showed that all of the members were already present except for Jonne. Jay was in the back reading a book. Nakki had waved at them and was listening to some music on his MP3 player and Antti was glancing stealthily at Christus, which meant he was up to no good. Christus looked grumpy and was constantly yawning as he snuggled up to Juha, who was trying to read a newspaper, which was not an easy feat since Christus was constantly getting in the way. He wondered where Jonne was...and Tommi for that matter. Those two were normally the first ones to be picked up and certainly not the last ones.

 

“Stop moving! I can’t sleep like that, damn it!” Christus glanced at Juha in frustration. After the singer had dressed, Juha had pulled his comforter away and had kicked him out of bed. That hadn’t brightened his mood and the fact that he would now be on the bus for three hours was only making him grumpier.

 

“Take one of the bunks! You’re lucky to have them in your bus!” Juha grinned in amusement at Christus. “You can sleep there!”

 

But Christus shook his head. Those bunks barely held one person, let alone two and he wanted Juha close. “I’ll manage,” he stated grumpily.

 

“The two of you seem inseparable,” Antti remarked, attempting to find out where he stood with his bet. “Was the sex that good?” The look that Christus shot him was a mixture of loathing and amusement. “Ah, does that look mean you still haven’t gotten laid? No fucking Juha yet? Or did Juha fuck you instead?” 

 

“Antti, just shut the fuck up!”

 

Antti grinned. “Ah, no fucking at all yet?” The dirty look Christus shot him was all he needed to know. So the bet was still on and the outcome uncertain. Antti leaned back into his chair and watched Christus trying to get comfortable while Juha flipped a page.

 

They arrived at Jonne’s place and Ville got off. “I’ll be right back!” He wanted to get some of his stuff and see what was taking his brothers so long. Jonne being late was unusual, but had happened before. But Tommi being late was unheard of! He disappeared into the building and unlocked the front door. “Jonne? Tommi, where are you?”

 

“In the kitchen!” was Tommi’s reply.

 

Ville went into the kitchen and frowned as he noted how tired Jonne looked. Then Tommi’s concerned look registered with him as well. “Is something wrong?” He sat down and watched his brothers.

 

“Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s okay. I just didn’t sleep well,” Jonne replied.

 

Noticing that Jonne was drinking coffee when his brother usually stuck to tea, Ville knew there was more than Jonne wanted him to know. “Bad night?”

 

Jonne knew he had to give Ville something that would satisfy his curiosity. “It was just another nightmare. I’m sure they’ll leave me alone now.”

 

Ville wasn’t convinced. It was a pity that they lacked the time to discuss this, but he would talk to Jonne later. Addressing Tommi, he said, “You’ll be pleased to hear that everyone is already on the bus. Even Chris and Lauri.”

 

“That’s good!” Tommi finished his coffee and then got to his feet. “I’ll pack your stuff, Jonne. You just finish here.” He pointed at the toast that still lay on Jonne’s plate. “Try to eat that.” With that, Tommi left.

 

Ville scooted closer to Jonne and wrapped an arm around his brother. “You can talk to me. You know that, don’t you?” Jonne briefly rested his head on his shoulder and Ville stroked his brother’s back through his shirt. “I mean it.”

 

“Kiitos,” Jonne whispered, but he had no intention of burdening his younger brother with his nightmares. “So how are you and Lauri?”

 

“We’re fine.” Ville smiled. “We’re taking care of each other and talk about stuff. That’s important.”

 

Jonne nodded and then forced himself to eat his toast. “He’s a great guy.”

 

Ville turned Jonne towards him and studied his older brother. “There’s stuff you’re not telling me,” he realized. “You promised!”

 

“It’s…” Jonne swallowed hard. “I need to sort out my own feelings first.”

 

Ville didn’t quite believe Jonne, but as the bus blew its horn, he realized they had run out of time. “Do you need help packing?” Jonne was already dressed in an old pair of jeans and a white sweater, but Ville didn’t see any bags yet.

 

“Tommi’s already doing that.” Jonne pushed himself to his feet. He was about to tell Ville to get going when his mobile phone alerted him to a received message. Looking at the display, he smiled as he saw that Jack was the sender.

 

Am counting the hours until I can hold you again. And we *will* talk! Don’t stress and try to enjoy the gig! Love you, Jack.

 

“Talk about what? Your nightmares?” Ville had peeked and read along.

 

Jonne was about to tell Ville not to read his messages when Tommi called out, “We need to get going.” Jonne joined his older brother in the hallway. Tommi was carrying two bags, one had his stage outfit -- clothes he no longer wanted to wear – and the other had clothes for after the gig so he had a clean set handy.

 

“Have we got everything?” Tommi asked as he opened the front door.

 

Jonne shrugged. “You packed the bags.” He had no idea what Tommi had packed.

 

Ville watched them and realized that there was something going on he knew nothing about and he hated it!

 

~~~

 

Christus looked up when Jonne finally got on the bus. It had taken about half an hour for the Liimatainen brothers to join them and normally it never took Jonne that long. Seeing the fatigue on Jonne’s face, he knew something was wrong. “Hey, I need to talk to Jonne for a moment,” he told Juha, who was still reading his newspaper.

 

“Then go on!” Juha winked at him. Now he would finally be able to turn the page!

 

Christus made his way over to Jonne and sat down before Tommi or Ville could occupy the seat next to the vocalist. “You look like shit.”

 

Jonne laughed. “Kiitos for the compliment!” He knew it was true though. “A little make-up before we go on and no one will notice!”

 

Christus remained skeptical. “So what’s going on? Lover’s spat?”

 

“Ei, Jack and I are good,” Jonne replied and uncapped a water bottle. “I didn’t sleep well, that’s all.”

 

“Bad dreams?” They had shared rooms on tour more than once and Christus knew about the nightmares. He had believed them gone though.

 

“Ville found out about Lauri trying to strangle me and that brought the nightmares back. Is your curiosity satisfied now?” Jonne drank some water and purposefully stared out the window, hoping that Christus would get the hint and leave him alone.

 

Christus suspected there was more though. “Tommi called yesterday and told me to take my make-up and hairstyling things along because he wants me to finish off your outfit. What’s that all about?” Jonne gave him a startled look and Christus instinctively curled his fingers around his friend’s and squeezed them gently.

 

“He did that?” A flash of anger appeared in Jonne’s eyes. “He should stay out of it!”

 

“Jonne, what’s going on?” Christus had an ominous feeling, but couldn’t quite explain why he felt apprehensive.

 

“He wants me to change the show around. He wants me to go back to…to being the way I was before we recorded Anorectic,” Jonne whispered and looked out the window once more.

 

Christus sucked in his breath sharply. He had been hoping something like that would happen one day. “And that’s bad because…?”

 

“You know why! I can’t show off that side anymore! It’s not a part of me anymore! I fought so hard to rid myself of it and now…” Jonne started to tremble.

 

“Hey, Tommi wanting to change that is a good thing!” He pulled Jonne into his arms. “Can I be completely honest with you?” He placed a finger under Jonne’s chin and lifted his face. The blue eyes were swimming with tears and it made him cringe. “You’re becoming a caricature of yourself. It’s not you on stage and I’m relieved Tommi finally noticed that.”

 

Jonne bit his bottom lip. “So, you think I’m a caricature of myself? Thanks! I worked hard to create that stage show!”

 

“But it’s not you,” Christus whispered and smiled lovingly at Jonne. “I want you on stage with me, not some stranger.”

 

“Chris, I don’t want to talk about this any longer. I’m sleepy.” Jonne closed his eyes and turned his head away from Christus, resting it against the window.

 

“If there’s anything I can do, tell me,” Christus offered, backing down. “You can always talk to me.” Knowing Jonne well enough to know that the blond was going to ignore him, he hugged his friend briefly and then returned to Juha, who had finally put his newspaper away and was punching something in on his mobile phone. “Must you be busy constantly?” Ignoring Juha’s protest, he snuggled up and simply stopped him from entering more text. “Hold me instead.”

 

Juha smiled, put the phone away, and pulled Christus close. The older man had already come so far that for him to voice a request like that took guts and Juha knew that. “I love holding you,” he whispered and held Christus close.

 

~~~

 

“Babe!” The bus Private Line had been on had arrived first at the festival grounds and Japa had made it his mission to be there when Jonne’s bus arrived. He cringed at the lost look in his lover’s eyes and pulled him into a hug. “Hey, things can’t be that bad.” He led Jonne to the backstage area where they had their own space. He made Jonne sit down and then seated himself next to the blond. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Jonne shrugged. “There isn’t much to say. I already talked to Tommi and Chris.”

 

At that moment, Tommi joined them and put Jonne’s bags next to the couch, which took up the largest amount of space in their dressing room. Sitting down on the armrest, he studied the two men.

 

“What’s this all about?” Jack addressed Tommi since Jonne seemed reluctant to discuss the matter.

 

“It’s about Jonne not being able to be himself on stage and hiding behind this persona he has created. It’s not Jonne on stage anymore. It’s a stranger.” Tommi lifted one of the bags and put it on the couch. Opening one, he unpacked the stage outfit that he had selected the other day. “He’s really giving me a hard time about wearing these.”

 

Jack glanced quickly over the clothes and then whistled. “Those look quite sexy. What’s the problem, babe?”

 

Jonne shrugged and remained quiet. They wouldn’t understand his fear. They wouldn’t get why he was scared to wear them and go onto stage like that. This persona Tommi had mentioned had become like a tight-fitting glove – a shell that surrounded him and kept him from getting hurt.

 

Jack shook his head when Tommi moved to talk again. He realized that Jonne needed a little time and space. “Reflexion will be on in thirty minutes and I want to see their show. Will you join me, babe?” Jonne nodded reluctantly and Jack noticed the way his lover glared at the clothes that Tommi had packed. “Don’t worry. Everything will fall into place when it’s time.” He placed a kiss on Jonne’s hair and then pulled the blond to his feet. “Let’s grab something to drink and find the stage Reflexion will be on. Tommi, we’ll be back later!”

 

Tommi watched them go and then looked at the clothes again. He was angry with himself for waiting too long to address this. He should have talked to Jonne after his brother had cut off his hair, but he had taken the easy way out and now Jonne was paying the price for that.

 

~~~

 

Christus was having second thoughts about his decision to stay close to Juha backstage. Reflexion would be going on in fifteen minutes and Mikko and Juha were still busy readying themselves for the gig. It was chaos.

 

“Chris, can you do me a favor?” Dressed only in his jeans, Juha sat on his heels in front of Christus, who had grabbed a beer and was watching from where he was seated on the couch. “Can you help Mikko out? That way I can get dressed.”

 

“Help Mikko out with what?” Christus didn’t like the idea.

 

“With his nails and make up. Normally I’d do that stuff, but I’m running late already!”

 

Christus gave in to please Juha. “But just this one time!”

 

You’re sweet,” Juha whispered and then leaned in to kiss Christus on the lips. The older man attempted to deepen the kiss, but then Juha got to his feet again. “Anteeksi – no time! I’ll make it up to you after the show!” After that, he ran off again to get dressed.

 

“Bah,” Christus whispered and then got to his feet to join Mikko, who was trying to put some nail polish on, but the bass player was getting the black substance everywhere except on his nails! “You look like you need help.”

 

Mikko smiled blindingly at Christus. “That would be really nice!”

 

Christus sighed and then sat down. First, he had to clean the nails and then start all over again. With years of experience, he quickly put the nail polish on.

 

“Usually Juha helps me out, but he’s busy.” Mikko watched Juha brush his hair. “So tell me, how are things between you? The two of you seem very close.”

 

“And why should I be telling you that?” Christus couldn’t quite explain why he felt such hostility toward the bass player.

 

“Hey, I’m not your enemy! I’m not in competition with you! I have a lady at home whom I adore. I’m not after Juha!” Mikko had a pretty good idea why Christus disliked him though. “You don’t need to feel jealous! I’ve no intention of stealing him away from you. We made love once, years ago. That’s all there is to it. Juha and I are friends – close friends, but there’s nothing else – nothing more.”

 

Christus finally got it too. He had been jealous all along. The fact that Mikko had had sex with Juha had made him jealous! “I’m not used to being jealous,” he explained.

 

“I understand,” Mikko said and smiled. “I feel the same way when someone looks at my girlfriend a certain way!” Christus finally raised his gaze and they made eye contact. It was at that moment that Christus did away with his jealousy and hostility and Mikko smiled gratefully. “So tell me. How are you things between the two of you? You look like you’re in love… Both of you!”

 

“I’m in love with him,” Christus admitted. “And I told him. He wants to give us a chance.”

 

Mikko nodded. It was a start. “Juha won’t let you down. You’ll see. You can put your trust in him.”

 

Christus hoped Mikko was right because he wasn’t sure what he would do if their relationship fell apart.

 

~~~

 

“Look, there it is!” Jack had finally found the stage where Reflexion would perform and it had been just in time since the band was already getting ready to play the intro. Jonne was quiet – too quiet – but Jack decided against forcing his lover to talk to him. He prayed Jonne would do that once he was ready to confront himself. Jack waved at Christus, who was standing next to Juha. Christus kissed Juha and then joined his friends. “Hey, over here!” Jack waved at Christus.

 

Christus came to a halt next to them. He noted how down Jonne looked and smiled encouragingly at his friend. He would talk to Jonne later, but now it was time to watch Juha rock the stage! Juha seemed unable to remain in one spot for long and owned the stage. “He’s fucking awesome!”

 

Jack agreed. Juha knew how to get the audience on his side, even at such an early hour. Keeping an arm wrapped around Jonne, Jack continued to sneak glances at his lover, hoping Jonne was also enjoying the show a little.

 

With envy, Jonne watched Juha own the stage. It was obvious that Juha enjoyed playing to the audience and the people reacted to that, cheering him on. A weak smile appeared on his face as he watched how Juha got them off by flipping his hair, moving his hands seductively up and down the microphone stand, and licking his lips. Juha’s performance was genuine. Everything came from the heart and that realization made Jonne cringe. It wasn’t a show. It was real.

 

They were halfway through the gig when Juha turned to the side of the stage and said, “This is an old one! We don’t normally play this song, but we’ll make an exception today! This one is for you, Chris!”

 

Christus blushed and noticed the surprised looks Jonne and Jack were giving him. Sir Christus didn’t blush! But then again, he wasn’t the cocky Sir Christus anymore. He had become more sensitive and his feelings were much closer to the surface these days.

Juha enjoyed singing the lyrics to ‘Destiny’s Star’. It had always been one of his favorite songs, but as a band, they had agreed not to play any old material since it had been written with the old line up. The show ended much too soon and, after playing ‘Storm’ as an encore, the band exited the stage. Juha immediately headed for Christus, grabbed him by the neck, and pulled him in for a possessive kiss.

 

Christus’ breath caught as Juha’s action overwhelmed him, but then he deepened the kiss and they both rubbed their bodies against each other.

 

Amused, Jack watched Juha devour Christus. It appeared his friend was in for a number of surprises where the redhead was concerned! Pulling Jonne with him, Jack started for his dressing room since Private Line was on in another thirty minutes and he had to get ready. Jonne remained silent and Jack allowed it, giving his lover the time he needed to sort out his thoughts.

 

TBC

 

Part 6

Kerro kerro kuvastin

 

“Ah, there he is! Jacky, introduce me to your boyfriend!” Sammy grinned diabolically as he moved toward Jonne. He had been waiting for this moment for weeks!

 

Jack drew in a deep breath and hoped Sammy would behave at least a little bit. “Jonne, this is Sammy. Sammy, Jonne.” At the same time he shot Sammy a warning look.

 

Sammy, trying to be on his best behavior, offered Jonne his hand. The blond accepted and Sammy shook it while studying the singer intently. Jonne looked different from how he remembered him. He looked tired, less radiant, and definitely ill at ease. Thoughts of pestering the blond vanished and Sammy decided to try to make Jonne feel comfortable. “I’m happy Jacky finally found someone who loves him back. He deserves that.”

 

Jonne nibbled on his bottom lip. He merely hoped he was the right person for Jack, but he didn’t say that, knowing Jack wouldn’t like hearing it. “He’s easy to love.” A weak smile formed on his face.

 

Jack released the breath he had been holding and glanced at Sammy gratefully. “So what’s the schedule?”

 

“We play for an hour and then we have a meet and greet with some fans. After that, it’s party time!” Sammy grinned. “Here’s the set list.”

 

Jack quickly scanned the list and then nodded. “That’s fine with me!” Seeing Jonne looking rather lost, he asked, “Help me get ready?”

 

“I’m sure we’ll see each other again!” Sammy waved at Jonne and then joined Spit and Eliaz, who were playing cards. Something was definitely wrong with Jonne, but Sammy also knew that he shouldn’t pry and let Jack handle it.

 

Jack pulled Jonne along to the area where he had put his luggage and opened the suitcase to pull stuff from it. “Are you any good with these?” He had uncovered some purple extensions which he always attached to his hair. “Normally Sammy helps me out, but he looks busy.” And he wanted to distract Jonne.

 

“I think I can manage.” Jonne smiled and took the extensions. “Sit down.” Jack sat down and Jonne slid them between the black strands. “Have a look and tell me what you think.” Jack glanced into the mirror and nodded. Jonne smiled, happy that Jack was okay with the way he had put them in. “Anything else I can do to help?”

 

Jack jumped at Jonne’s offer. “Help me choose an outfit and then you can put on my make-up!” Normally he did that himself, but it would keep Jonne busy and away from brooding. Still seated, he watched Jonne rummage through his clothes. Finally something that resembled curiosity appeared in Jonne’s eyes and Jack enjoyed watching his lover combine his outfit. In the end, he nodded. Black leather pants, an old transparent mesh shirt and his favorite white jacket had made it through Jonne’s selection. He changed into the outfit and then handed Jonne his make-up kit. Looking at Jonne, he found a genuine warm smile gracing the blond’s features. Jonne was really enjoying doing this.

 

“Pink eye shadow?” Jonne wiggled an eyebrow as he leaned in to apply the make-up.

 

“That’s Chris’ influence on me.” Jack closed his eyes and tried hard not to move.

 

Jonne eyed his work critically and hoped it would do. “Have a look,” he ordered and pointed at the mirror.

 

Jack had different ideas though and pulled Jonne onto his lap. “I’m counting on some kisses before you send me out there.”

 

“You can always kiss Sammy,” Jonne quipped teasingly.

 

The cheeky comment made Jack grin. Apparently some of Jonne’s humor was coming back. “I’d rather kiss you though.” He cupped Jonne’s neck with his hand and claimed the soft lips.

 

“Ui, they’re kissing!! They’re making out…”

 

Jack cringed. “Shut up, Eliaz!” Why couldn’t his band mates behave just once?

 

“The real thing is better than phone sex, isn’t it?” Sammy added his two cents.

 

Jack groaned. “Now you see what I have to endure all day.”

 

Jonne brushed the extensions away from Jack’s face and smiled. “You want me to pity you?” Cocking his head, he brushed Jack’s lips with his.

 

Since they were kissing again, Jack didn’t get a chance to reply. Not that he minded. He loved kissing Jonne, but then Eliaz and Sammy started making kissing sounds and he groaned. “I’m going to kill them!”

 

Jonne laughed warmly and rubbed Jack’s back. “Just ignore them and they’ll stop.” The teasing had made him forget his worries.

 

“You guys are next!”

 

The call caused Sammy to take charge. “Boys, we’re going to rock this place! Japa, get your ass over here! Where’s your guitar?”

 

Jack grinned. “Sammy always gets like that a few minutes before we go on. I have to say goodbye now. You’ll watch the show, won’t you?”

 

Jonne nodded. “Join them and I’ll go find a nice place to watch.” Jack kissed him on the lips one more time and then Jonne had to let the guitarist go.

 

~~~

 

Jack had a hard time concentrating on his playing. His thoughts constantly drifted off to Jonne, who was standing to the left of the stage. Thankfully Christus and Juha had joined the blond. Jack didn’t want Jonne to be alone at the moment, not while his lover was so depressed. He caught the warning look Sammy shot him and focused on his performance again.

 

~~~

 

“Great show!” Christus congratulated his friend, but then stepped aside to let Jack embrace Jonne. It warmed him from the inside seeing them connected and eager to be close to each other. It was easy to be happy for them since he had Juha.

 

“Kiitos, Chris!” Jack smiled happily at his friend and then pulled Jonne into his arms. “Kiss me, will you?”

 

Jonne however turned nervous at that request. Although they were partly hidden from sight, some of the photographers could easily zoom in on them and he knew he would be in trouble if a picture of them kissing appeared somewhere. He had to be careful. “Later, yes?”

 

Jack frowned. This was the first time ever that Jonne didn’t want to kiss him!

 

“Jonne, I told you… It’ll be okay!” Tommi had appeared at his younger brother’s side and had seen Jonne watching the paparazzi worriedly.

 

“What will be okay?” Jack asked and his gaze shifted from Jonne to Christus and then to Tommi in search of an answer.

 

“We had some misunderstandings with our label in the past,” Tommi started. Since Jack was now a part of Jonne’s life, the guitarist had a right to know what was going on. “They were fed up with Jonne’s feminine image and told him to clean up his act. I was stupid enough to back up their demand. That same evening Jonne cut his hair off.”

 

Jack’s eyes widened and when he sought Jonne’s gaze, the blond looked at the floor instead. “Why would they get involved like that? I mean, we’re artists for crying out loud! We’re different!”

 

Tommi shrugged. “I made a mistake in judgment. The label was only after higher sales and they thought that a more ‘manly’ Jonne would sell more records.”

 

“So that’s why you stopped wearing those clothes!” Ville had been searching for Jonne and had caught the last few sentences. “Fuck Jonne, don’t let them have that much power over you!”

 

Jonne grew pale and wished the floor would open up and swallow him. “I did what they wanted me to do. I couldn’t endanger the band and our contract.”

 

Jack hugged his lover and then lifted the handsome face with a finger. “You’ve been denying yourself all these years because they…” Jack drew in a deep breath and counted to ten. He didn’t want to grow angry with Jonne. He reminded himself how much younger Jonne actually was and that the singer had had to grow up quickly in the last few years. The music business was tough and if you lacked self-confidence… “Jonne, you need to kick their asses!”

 

Jonne felt lost and confused. They were telling him to clean up his act again, but he wasn’t sure he could go onto stage and be himself once more. “That mask fits me. I learned to wear it. It protects me.”

 

Christus sighed. If only he had paid more attention to Jonne in the past instead of living in his own dream world! “We need to talk. Anteeksi, Jack…but this is something the band has to deal with. I’ll return Jonne in time so he can ready himself for the gig. Ville, do me a favor and tell Lauri to gather the guys in the bus. It’s time we talked.”

 

~~~

 

Jay’s eyes held compassion and love as he pulled Jonne into his arms. “Why didn’t you say anything?” The drummer had been stunned to hear what Jonne had done in order to make sure their band would keep their contract. “We started this band because we love music. Don’t you know that I’d be okay playing small clubs for the rest of my life if that meant you’d be happy?”

 

Jonne rubbed his cheek against Jay’s shoulder. The two of them were founding members and to hear Jay say that meant a lot to him. “You might be okay with that, but I doubt Lauri and Chris would be.”

 

Lauri’s eyes widened. “What the fuck? Jonne, you’re more important than some stupid record sales!”

 

Christus nodded and gathered Jonne’s right hand in his. “Lauri’s right. This is about our music. This is about expressing ourselves. Even if we lose our contract, I’d be okay with it. Jonne, you’re slowly killing yourself, don’t you get that?”

 

Nakki sighed. “I joined this band because I love the music. I love you characters. I always suspected something was going on, but I never thought… Jonne...” He waited for the blond to look at him. “You write most of our music with Lauri here. Same goes for the lyrics and I must say that you scared me with the last album’s lyrics. I don’t want you to hurt. Even if it means losing the things we accomplished so far, I’d say fuck it. We need to be real. We need to be authentic, no matter what the cost!”

 

Antti nodded. “We lost track of who we are and why we got into music and this band. I say we kick their asses! The worst thing they can do is fire us and if they do, Tommi will find us a new label!”

 

Jonne looked at them cautiously. “I can’t believe you guys would risk everything for…”

 

“For you? For your happiness? Jonne, you’re important to us!” Lauri’s tone was firm and unyielding. “Let’s go out there tonight and show them what Negative is really about!”

 

“I don’t think that’s wise,” Jonne started, trying to convince them not to risk everything they had achieved so far, but then Christus pulled him close and kissed him on the lips. Jonne was too stunned to pull away and when a tongue slithered between his lips, he opened his mouth and let Christus deepen their kiss.

 

Lauri grinned and elbowed Antti in the side. Nakki cheered them on and even Jay nodded and applauded Christus.

 

When Christus broke off the kiss, Jonne stared at his friend in bewilderment. “What the hell was that about?” That had been an awful lot of tongue for a kiss among friends!

 

“I just wanted to remind you that I expect to get one like that on stage tonight and if you don’t deliver, I’m going to make sure I get one!” Christus grinned at Jonne. “Understood?”

 

Jonne shook his head. He had thought that things couldn’t possibly get worse, but they just had!

 

~~~

 

Jonne sat in front of the mirror and studied his reflection. In the back, Christus and Lauri were discussing their outfits and Jay was stretched out in the back, napping for a few minutes. Antti and Nakki had wandered off and Jonne was too nervous to wonder what they were up to. He was lost as he stared at his reflection and he didn’t like what he saw. The man staring back at him looked old, drained, and depressed. He was pale, his hair unnaturally blond because he had bleached it too many times, and his eyes were dead. The spark they had possessed in the past was gone. Performing their songs had become a routine.

 

Jack wrapped his arms around Jonne from behind and rested his chin on his lover’s shoulder. “Talk to me, babe.”

 

“I can’t go on like this, but I don’t see an alternative either.” Jonne felt trapped. “If I do what Tommi and the band wants me to do then we might lose our contract and…”

 

“And what if that won’t happen? What if they’re forced to change their policy?” Tommi had walked up to them. “Ville’s right. You need to take your power back. We let it slip. Show them on stage tonight!”

 

Jonne sighed. “I can’t do this.”

 

Juha had kept to the background, not wanting to get involved, but he couldn’t stay quiet any more. “Jonne, can you spare me a few minutes?”

 

Jonne looked at the redhead in surprise, but then nodded. “Sure, why not.” He was convinced that that night’s show would be the worst ever and he’d do anything to postpone his doom. Juha extended his arm and Jonne took the redhead’s hand, allowing the other singer to lead him away from the dressing room.

 

Juha found them a quiet spot and sat down. He patted the space next to him and Jonne seated himself gingerly next to him. “You’re stuck…” Jonne nodded and Juha continued. “You need to remember what it was like on stage when you started out. You need to remember the emotions, the way the audience carried you, the way they screamed and applauded your every action. Jonne, you’re a natural. You’re a great performer.” Jonne merely shrugged and Juha sighed. “You need to do this or you’ll end up stuck in this circle for the rest of your life. Everything will become meaningless and hollow.”

 

Jonne drew in a deep breath. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re a great performer.”

 

“Jonne, you’re too! But you let yourself become trapped. Let your band mates help! They love you! Remember what it was like in those days when it was you out there on that stage and not a stranger!”

 

Jonne became silent and considered everything Juha had said. “I envied you when you were on stage earlier today. I could tell you were having a great time and the audience realized that too.”

 

Juha rested a hand on Jonne’s shoulder. “Jonne, all you need to do is let your music carry you. Feel the notes in here.” His hand moved to Jonne’s chest to where his heart was. “Feel the music in your heart. Let the lyrics spring from your soul like they did in the past!”

 

Jonne smiled weakly. “You’re a poet.” To his surprise Juha blushed.

 

“Ei, I’m not. But I’m passionate like I know you are. You just need to remember who you are, Jonne.”

 

Jonne got to his feet, walked back to his dressing room, and everyone stopped talking when he sat down. Looking at the mirror, he studied his reflection once more. Some of Juha’s passion had rubbed off on him and a spark showed in his eyes. He still wasn’t sure if he could pull it off, but he realized he had to try. He owed it to his friends and every fan out there who believed in him. “Lauri, where’s the set list?”

 

Lauri was already making changes to the list. “While you wandered off, we decided that each of us gets to add two songs to the list, which we’ll play tonight.”

 

Jonne’s eyes widened. “What did you say?” What kind of songs had made it onto the list without him knowing about it? His stomach started to do somersaults, causing him to feel nauseous. 

 

“So far, we’ve got Jay’s. He wants ‘After All’ and ‘The Moment of Our Love’.”

 

Jonne felt relieved. That wasn’t too bad, but what other songs was Lauri writing down?

 

“Nakki wants ‘Until You’re Mine’ and ‘Secret Forgiveness’.” Lauri nodded, liking the selection so far. “Christus wants ‘Creeping Inside’ and ‘In My Heaven’.”

 

Jonne arched an eyebrow. What kind of weird set list would he end up with?

 

Lauri considered his options. “I’ll just contribute one song, since otherwise we’ll end up with too many of them! ‘Glory of the Shame’!”

 

“And don’t forget about me!” Antti decided he wanted a say in the matter as well. “Put me down for ‘Touchless’!”

 

Jonne’s eyes widened further. “Antti, you can’t be serious! We never play that song!” And there was a good reason for it. He tended to get emotional when he sung it. “I know it’s your favorite, but please! Choose another song!”

 

“Ei, my decision’s final!” Antti shook his head. “I want to hear you sing it! You never do!”

 

Jonne drew in a deep breath. This gig was a disaster waiting to happen!

 

“Jonne, what song do you want to add?” Lauri looked at his friend.

 

“None.”

 

“Don’t be like that!” Christus rested his hand at the nape of Jonne’s neck. “Just tell me. What song?”

 

“None!” Jonne stubbornly shook his head. He still couldn’t believe they were going to make him perform ‘Touchless’!

 

“We’re one song short!” Lauri started changing them around until they would end up with a varied set list.

 

“’Still Alive’,” Ville said. He had been sitting in the back, next to Jay and had tried not to get involved. “I want you to perform ‘Still Alive’.”

 

Lauri finished creating the set list and then showed Jonne the outcome.

 

After All

Until You’re Mine

Secret Forgiveness

Creeping Inside

Still Alive

Glory of the Shame

Touchless

The Moment of Our Love

 

(encore, if required, Dreamflowers!)

 

Jonne sucked in his breath and bowed his head. There was no way he would make it through that night without experiencing some sort of break down. He just knew it. Thankfully it was *only* a festival and they only had to play a little under an hour. After that, he could find a place to hide and cry.

 

~~~

 

“You’re looking hot!” Jack whistled appreciatively. “You really outdid yourself, babe.” Wrapping his arms around the blond, he kissed Jonne passionately. The way Jonne clung to him proved just how nervous his lover was. Jonne’s fingers clawed at his leather jacket and he seemed ready to release a river of tears. “I believe in you. You can do this. You’ll show them what Negative is all about.” Jonne raised his gaze and finally made eye contact. “Take back control over your life, babe and remember...it’s all about the music.”

 

Jonne didn’t feel that he would be able to pull it off. He had reluctantly dressed in his old outfit and wearing it again felt weird. He was no longer used to wearing a skirt and the mesh shirt caressed his skin with every move he made. Since it had grown chilly at ten in the evening, Christus had lent him his black jacket with the handcuffs attached to it. He had brought it along in case Juha would want to wear it, but now it was keeping Jonne warm.

 

“Chris did a good job,” Jack remarked while studying the delicate make-up. It added a softness to Jonne’s face which Jack loved seeing there. “You look amazing.” He hugged Jonne as tightly as he dared without ruining the make-up. “Have faith in your band. They’ll see you through. You don’t have to do this alone.”

 

Jonne nodded slowly. Christus and Lauri had told him the same thing. “I’m scared though.”

 

“That’s okay. It’ll keep you alert.” From the corner of his eye, Jack saw Tommi approach. “Your brother probably wants to wish you luck too,” he said and took a step away from Jonne. “Remember, whatever happens out there tonight, you’re not alone. I’ll be there to support you. I won’t let you fall.”

 

Jonne nodded thankfully and then turned to Tommi. “Happy now?” He managed a weak smile as he pointed at the clothes he was wearing.

 

“That’s my Jonne. That’s the real Jonne,” Tommi said and pulled his younger brother close so he could hug him. “Now, remember, don’t twirl that microphone stand. Don’t fling it that viciously. You hit Nakki with it once, so be careful.”

 

Jonne blushed. “That was an accident.”

 

“I know it was.” Tommi smiled at his brother. “Nervous?”

 

Jonne nodded, but this time it wasn’t mere stage fight that made him feel queasy. This time a lot more was at stake. “Tommi, I’m not sure I can do this.”

 

“You can do this. You need to do this! Your fans love you no matter what! So go out there and rock the stage!”

 

Tommi hugged him again and then went to stand to the left. Jonne nibbled on his bottom lip. This was it. Their intro was on and Jay was already behind his drums. Lauri and Antti went out there as well. Nakki took up position behind his keyboards and then Christus marched out there, waving at the audience and grinning like mad. Soon it was his turn to go out there, but Jonne felt paralyzed. Suddenly Juha’s voice sounded in his ears.

 

“It’s in your blood. You were born to do this. Don’t let them take that away from you. Have fun!”

 

Jonne was about to turn to address Juha, but then suddenly the redhead pushed him onstage.

 

~~~

 

Christus cringed at the lost and startled look on Jonne’s face. Maybe they were going too fast and Jonne needed more time to adjust, but the show had started. Unfortunately for them, Jonne had either forgotten the lyrics or was absolutely lost as to what to do. Realizing this would end in disaster if he remained idle, he approached and made eye contact.

 

Jonne startled and realized where he was and that he should be singing. He had to pull himself together again! Raising his microphone, he started singing. He had missed the first section, but at least he had caught on now. The front rows were screaming their heads off and slowly, Jonne started to calm down. Juha was right: he was a natural. He knew how to draw the audience in.

 

‘After All’ ended and ‘Until You’re Mine’ started. It was a sexy song and in the past, he had often used it to involve Christus in the show. The slow opening of the song was perfect and while building more confidence, Jonne approached Christus, who was already giving him a lopsided grin. It wasn’t Jonne’s intention to kiss Christus -- certainly not that early into the show – but Christus had different plans and suddenly the guitarist’s lips crushed his in an arduous kiss. The screaming that erupted from the front rows was deafening and when Christus released his lips again, the guitarist’s grin had become a genuine smile.

 

“Let go,” Christus whispered into Jonne’s ear. “Show them!” Then he walked away, back to his spot on the stage and showed off, playing his solo.

 

That left Jonne once again on his own, but something had changed. He finally remembered how much fun he used to have on stage. How he had driven Christus and Lauri mad by singing to them and kissing them. Screaming, “Until you’re mine,” into his microphone, he felt like was finally coming alive again.

 

‘Secret Forgiveness’ was next and Jonne took up position close to Lauri, smiling seductively at him as he rotated his hips. Yes, this was what he needed. This was what his music was about – had always been about! Pressing his front against Lauri’s back, he slid one hand into the head of curls and pressed close to the guitarist.

 

Lauri grinned at Christus, both looking pleased. Yes, this seductively sweet Jonne was what they needed. They had missed having him on stage with them. Jonne was focused on them – seducing them – instead of strutting about and trying to appeal to the ladies in a way that didn’t suit him. Lauri gazed at Jonne like he hadn’t in a long time and wondered if Jonne still remembered its meaning.

 

Jonne remembered and realized how long it had been since he had received that look. ‘Creeping Inside’ started and he obeyed Lauri’s silent request to kiss him. It wasn’t the short, quick kiss they had become used to during the last two years. No, it was more. It confirmed the musical connection between them and that was when Jonne knew he was doing the right thing.

 

Jack sighed happily as he saw the fire return to the singer’s eyes. “He finally got it.”

 

Tommi had seen it happen too. He knew the record company would give him a hard time about Jonne kissing his band mates like that again, but he would support his brother and make sure Jonne came out of it stronger.

 

Jonne asked for his acoustic guitar to play ‘Still Alive’ on stage alone like he had done so often in the past, but this time Christus and Lauri played along and didn’t let him out of their sight. He grinned like mad at them and, once the song came to an end, he hugged first Christus and then Lauri. Being himself again on stage felt good.

 

‘Glory of the Shame’ gave them a chance to rock and Jonne really enjoyed watching Lauri strut across the stage and show off. The much dreaded ‘Touchless’ followed. Nakki started the song off and Jonne started singing or rather was whispering the words into the microphone. He felt lonely on stage and looked about  for support. This song had the power to make him cry and he didn’t want that. He really didn’t want to burst into tears.

 

The fear in Jonne’s eyes wasn’t lost on Jack and he acted on impulse, walking out onto the stage in Jonne’s direction. Screams erupted from the audience once more, but Jack ignored them. He took Jonne into his arms and made sure the blond could still sing into the microphone as he moved him about in a slow, sensual dance.

 

Jonne wrapped an arm around Jack. He rested his head against Jack’s shoulder and moved along with him. Towards the end of the song, he stopped singing, no longer trusting his voice. The emotional storm raging inside him was gigantic and he felt like he would drown. But the audience, Lauri, Nakki, and even Antti sang the lyrics in his stead. The song ended, Jonne raised his head, and Jack kissed him. The audience screamed at the top of their lungs, but Jonne barely registered the noise they were making. He was focused on Jack, on his feelings, the music, and the fact that he had just upended his life.

 

It was Antti who forced Jonne to pay attention to what was happening on stage, when the bass player screamed, “In my heaven,” into Christus’ microphone.

 

Jack gave Jonne another quick kiss and then whispered, “You can do this.” Marching off stage, he looked over his shoulder and nodded.

 

Letting go of his fears, Jonne sang. He moved to Christus, slung an arm around his guitarist, and snuggled up to him. Christus smiled at him, nodded, and then Jonne moved toward the drum set, grinning at Jay before slamming his fists onto the cymbals. From the corner of his eye, he saw Antti spinning about.

 

It was then time for the last song: ‘The Moment of Our Love’. He had sung the lyrics a million times before, but this time the words meant so much more to him. Making the decision to stop pretending and finally do away with his mask, he walked towards the audience and, as he stood there, he noticed the happiness on their faces. They hadn’t deserted him. They still loved him and sang along with him. Lauri came his way and mouthed the words to the chorus. It was a challenge Jonne gladly accepted. Folding an arm around the curly-haired guitarist, he addressed the words to Lauri. Lauri grinned back and nodded. This was their best show in years.

 

The song ended too soon and, feeling exhausted, but happy, Jonne smiled at his band mates, loving them for making him do this.

 

“We want more. We want more!”

 

Since the audience wouldn’t stop screaming for more, Jonne walked toward Lauri. “Can’t we do another song besides ‘Dreamflowers’?”

 

“What do you suggest?” Lauri lit a cigarette and exhaled, sighing contentedly.

 

“How about ‘Goodbye’?” Antti suggested when Jonne took too long in coming up with an answer.

 

Jonne nodded and told the rest of the band what the encore would be. Jay started the song off and then they rocked the stage one last time.

 

When they finally moved to the front, grabbing each other’s hands and bowing, Jonne started to realize what had happened during the last hour. He had made out with Christus, Lauri, and then he had danced with Jack and kissed him. The audience still cheered, especially the girls in the front rows, who seemed hysterical. When Jonne finally exited the stage, Jack caught him in his arms and Jonne pressed contentedly against him. “Kiitos for helping me out.”

 

Jack held Jonne for another minute and then moved a bit away so he could look at him. “That was fucking amazing!”

 

Jonne blushed. For the first time in years he had really enjoyed himself on stage.

 

“I told you that you could do it,” Juha whispered as the redhead pulled Christus into his arms.

 

Jonne nodded and then turned to face Tommi. How would his brother and, especially his manager, react after the show Negative had just delivered?

 

“I’m proud of you!” Tommi hugged Jonne and grinned at his younger brother.

 

“What about…?” How would the record company staff react?

 

“I’ll kick their asses if they decide to get involved. If necessary I’ll start my own label and move you there!” Tommi stroked Jonne’s hair. “Just enjoy your victory. Go party!” Tommi chased them off and then realized that two people had stayed behind: Ville and Lauri. Glancing at them quizzically, he wondered why they weren’t  joining the party going on backstage.

 

“It’s better not to get tempted,” Lauri explained. “You know what those parties are like. Lots of alcohol and other drugs are available. I prefer to take a shower instead.”

 

“I’ll join you!” Ville declared, sounding very eager, which earned him a skeptical look from his oldest brother. “I mean, staying away from alcohol is good and I don’t want to end up all alone. I’d rather join Lauri.”

 

“In the shower,” Tommi quipped and grinned. “Ah well, you two having sex in the shower is better than you guys getting drunk!”

 

“We’re not having sex!” Ville retorted, exasperated. Realizing what he had said, he covered his mouth with a hand.

 

Tommi wiggled an eyebrow and deadpanned, “Well, maybe you should!”

 

The end for now