Title: Edge of a Broken Heart

Author: Morgana
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Main pairing: Eero/Ville

Side pairing: Jonne/Gary

Rating: NC-17
Summary: Eero gets himself into major trouble. Luckily for him, Jonne gets him out.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

Beta read by Dramaowl.

All mistakes are mine.

Edge of a Broken Heart

I don’t remember the last time my belly was so full. Tommi is a talented cook once he gets off his lazy bum and actually decides to cook. I don’t know how he managed to keep that talent hidden for so long. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Ville and I prefer take out instead.

“You’re looking satisfied!” Tommi remarks and grins.

I rub my belly and grin at my older brother. “Can I hire you as my personal chef?”

“No way can you afford me, Jonne! Keep dreaming!”

“It’s a good thing you’re family then.” I turn my puppy dog look upon Tommi and pat the space next to me on the sofa. “I’ll do the dishes tomorrow. Sit down instead…” Tommi’s stressing me out with the way he keeps walking between the kitchen and the dining room. “You cooked so you deserve a break! You need to digest too!”

I’m happy that Tommi visits more often these days. I remember a time when we only saw it each other on business related occasions – when we had to discuss the band or promotional stuff. We drifted apart back then, during the time of the Anorectic tour, but we managed to pull everything together again. The only thing missing is Ville, but my dear little brother decided to join the army three months ago and won’t be home until the weekend.

Tommi drops onto the sofa next to me, raises his legs, and stretches them by resting his feet on the coffee table. Turning my head toward him, I study Tommi and am relieved to find a content expression on his face as well. At the moment, everything is well. It hasn’t been like that for long though.

“What are you thinking about?” Tommi asks as he turns his head to meet my gaze.

“The things which happened lately…” I don’t need to say more – Tommi knows me and understands.

“We had to let Christus go, you know that. Don’t blame yourself for that. He’s a grown man, who makes his own decisions, and yes, they are bad ones, but that’s the way he wants to live his life. You can’t do anything about it. As long as he doesn’t acknowledge the fact that he needs help you can’t reach him.”

Tommi raises an arm and wraps it around my shoulder. I gladly accept the invitation and move closer. I rest my head against his shoulder and snuggle up to him. “It’s not that easy. We had good times too.” But in the end, there only were bad ones. “I hate those drugs. Why can’t he stop taking them?”

“He’s an addict… And they don’t think rationally. We can only hope that he wakes up from the drug haze he is in before it kills him.”

Tommi tightens his hold on me and I close my eyes. “I miss the old Christus though.”

“We all do,” Tommi says and rubs my shoulder. “But letting him go was the right thing to do and hiring Gary was the best alternative.”

I nod and by doing so, my cheek rubs against the fabric of Tommi’s shirt. “I like him. Gary fits in and his balanced personality is exactly what we need.” Gary’s mellow, friendly, and easy to be around. He adapts quickly, doesn’t throw any tantrums like Chris did and he’s probably the most mature and serious person in the band right now. He’s someone I can count on to be there when I need him.

Rationally I know that they’re different – Christus and Gary – but sometimes it’s hard to deal with the change. I expect Gary to turn out to be a problem too, but I don’t know why.

“Let’s do a few more gigs and then we’ll see what happens. He would make a good addition to Negative,” Tommi suggests in a careful voice.

“I’m not making him a permanent member yet!” My head jerks up from Tommi’s shoulder and I glare at my older brother. “I don’t know him well enough yet and I need to be sure that there won’t be any problems in the future!” Tommi sighs and moves his fingers through my hair in a soothing manner.

“Jonne, you don’t know what will happen in the future and I agree that taking things slowly with Gary is the right thing to do, but… You have to make a decision eventually. Gary fits in and the other guys like him. The fans accept him and he’s a talented musician. Don’t keep him hanging on the edge for too long. There’s always the danger that Gary won’t feel part of the band and if it takes too long we could lose him. Everyone needs some certainty.”

“I know that!” Frustrated, I move away from Tommi and break the embrace. I know that he’s right, but I can’t make the decision yet. Once I say that he’s in, I am stuck with him and what if he turns out to be just like Chris? What if he changes the moment he finds out that he’s in? What if…? I run my hand through my hair and shake my head. I’m driving myself insane thinking like that.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it. Gary knows that you need time and I count on him being patient. Just don’t take too long, okay?”

I nod. It’s nice of Tommi to say that. “I don’t want to make another mistake. Having my heart broken once was bad enough.” I move back against Tommi and snuggle up to him.

“I warned you not to fall in love with Christus,” Tommi says in a sorrowful voice. “But you went ahead and did so anyways.”

“I didn’t have a choice in the matter.” I close my eyes and remember the good times, which Christus and I shared. We were happy for a while, until Chris discovered he preferred drugs to me. On several occasions, I pleaded with him not to take any heroin, but it was offered to him for free, and he never listened to me. The need to numb himself became stronger throughout the years and I can no longer reach him. “I’m glad I have you,” I whisper against Tommi’s chest.

“Hey, that’s what big brothers are for!” Tommi ruffles my hair and pulls me tighter against him. “Want me to stay the night?”

“You’re just too lazy to walk home even though it’s only a fifteen minute walk!” My mood brightens a bit and I raise my head to grin at him. “Sure, you can stay.” Tommi slept in the guest room on more than one occasion, especially after we made the decision to cut Christus loose. I don’t want to remember that scene, but it pops up in my head at any rate. I gave Christus a choice – either quit his drug habit, go into rehab and stay clean, or leave the band. Christus simply walked away, making it very clear that he wasn’t going to give up his drugs. That decision wounded me deeply. I always thought that he still loved me and that he would kick the habit – if not for the band, then for the love we’d once shared.

“Don’t…” Tommi whispers softly into my ear.

I force a fake smile onto my face. Tommi knows me so well! “I really thought I could pull him away from that shit, but…I guess he loves me no more.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommi says in an honest voice. “Sometimes the truth is brutal, but at least you know how things are between the two of you…” After a pause, Tommi asks, “Have you seen him lately?”

I bury my face deeper against Tommi’s chest. “I did… He was on his way home and didn’t see me. He was high on something… The look in his eyes actually scared me… He’s in a bad state, Tommi.” Tommi strokes my hair and presses a kiss onto the blond strands. I love him for comforting me. “I’m scared that he won’t survive… That the drugs will kill him.”

“That might happen,” Tommi says thoughtfully. “And the sad thing is that we can’t stop him because he won’t let us…”

Tommi pulls me against his chest and I close my eyes once more. I wish Christus would accept our help, but I know he won’t. He just doesn’t want to admit that his drug habit is a serious problem. I’m about to tell Tommi that when a door bangs loudly somewhere in the apartment building. “That must be the people who moved in the other day. They’re loud.” Normally the building is quiet. People here are well behaved and quiet, but these new people are different. One of these days, the warden will lecture them on their behavior.

“Maybe they just need to settle in,” Tommi remarks and switches on the television to lock out the loud banging, which is continuing. “Is there anything you want to watch?”

“Not really, just put something on that interests you. I think that I’m going to nap.” Tommi makes a nice pillow and the best way for me to digest dinner is to nap through it. Tommi flips channels until he finds an ice hockey game that interests him and I drift off into sleep, savoring the closeness between us.

~~~

I wake up in the middle of the night because of some noise. I push myself into an upright position, open my eyes, and frown. It sounds like someone is wailing out there. But I must be mistaken, maybe I’m still dreaming. After pushing the comforter aside, I put my feet on the floor and tilt my head in an attempt to pin down the nature of the sound. It sounds like someone’s crying alright. But the walls are thick in here and I shouldn’t be hearing it at all. The only explanation I can think of is that someone is crying in the next-door apartment.

Then, as quickly as it started, it stops and the peaceful quiet returns. I’m worried though. I don’t like the sound of someone crying. Maybe I should make an effort to meet my new neighbors tomorrow. Someone moved in a few days ago, but I didn’t run into them yet and I must admit to being curious.

Lying down again, I grab my comforter and pull it up to my shoulders. I move onto my side, pull my knees to my abdomen, and bury my hands beneath the pillow until I have attained my favorite sleeping position. Closing my eyes, I sigh contently and am ready to go back to sleep when another door bangs loudly.

Startled, I sit upright and shiver involuntarily. Looking at the clock, I realize it’s four in the morning – a time when people should be quiet so one can sleep! Listening closely, I hear footfalls in the corridor and then the elevator door closes – loudly as well. Whoever is responsible for that noise apparently left. Hopefully that means I can go back to sleep now.

I give it another try and curl up beneath the comforter. Perfect… It’s quiet now, the bed is warm, the mattress soft, and my eyes close as I drift off into sleep.

~~~

“Your new neighbors are noisy!” Tommi complains over breakfast. “The doors kept banging and it stopped me from going to sleep!”

I nod. “It woke me up too.” I eat the scrambled eggs with toast, which Tommi made and enjoy my tea. Something is on my mind though. “I thought I heard someone cry last night.”

Tommi shrugs at that. “I only heard the doors banging… But isn’t your bedroom located next to your neighbor’s bedroom?”

After thinking it over, I nod. “You’re right…” The whole situation worries me. I have a bad feeling about this. I’m not one to meddle, but… I’m also curious. “I wonder what happened last night.”

Tommi shrugs, eats his scrambled eggs, and pours it down with black coffee. “Don’t get involved, Jonne.”

“It might be hard not to get involved considering that I live next door and value my sleep! I just hope they won’t be so loud every night!”

Tommi pours himself more coffee and sips. “What are your plans for the day? You don’t have a gig, or even a rehearsal scheduled.”

“I haven’t made up my mind yet… Maybe I’ll go shopping…incognito of course!” I add, upon seeing Tommi’s skeptical look. The time when I could go shopping without being recognized is gone. These days, I always take care to disguise myself and hide my features. “How about you?”

“I have some meetings lined up today… Would you like to have dinner together again?”

“You miss Ville, don’t you?” I peek at my older brother.

“Caught,” Tommi admits. “It’s weird that he isn’t around… That way I can’t harass him.”

I grin. Tommi’s been giving Ville a hard time because of his drinking and it paid off. I suspect that one reason why Ville decided to join the army for six months is that Tommi *did* get though to him. “Ville misses us too, you know that.”

Tommi nods. “I wish it was Saturday already.” But it was only Tuesday yet.

“We’ll see him shortly.” I agree with Tommi that Ville being in the army is a good thing. It gets him away from the alcohol, drugs, and sadly enough, Christus as well. Ville idolizes him and for some time, Christus threatened to drag my younger brother down with him. Recalling Tommi’s question, I say, “Sure, we can do dinner. Are you going to cook again?”

Tommi grins lazily. “Not sure yet. I might pick up some take out instead. You like Chinese, don’t you?”

I’m easily appeased, Tommi knows that and I nod. “Chinese food is always good!”

Tommi gets up from his chair and collects his coat from the hallway. He steps back into the kitchen and I rise from my chair so I can hug him. “Call me when you leave work… I’ll make sure I’m home.”

“Don’t spend too much money!” Tommi says jokingly as he returns the hug. “I’ll see you later! Enjoy your shopping tour!” A moment later, he’s out of the door and I’m alone.

~~~

So what do I do now? Do I go shopping right away? Moving over to the window, I look outside to find out what the weather is like today. Sunny and dry, well, that’s a good start!

Whistling softly, I move into my bedroom and open my closet. I need clothes that won’t draw any attention. I select some faded blue jeans, a white shirt and a black jacket. I still need to cover up my hair and face, and get out a black hat. Usually that does the trick and I can shop undisturbed. In summer it’s harder though to go in disguise… It’s hot and I can’t hide my face beneath a shawl or put on a beanie.

Before I can put on my outfit for the day, I need to shower though. I turn on the shower in the bathroom and slip out of my shirt and boxers. There’s nothing like a long, hot shower first thing in the morning. I take my time cleaning up, but also make sure my hair doesn’t get wet. I’m not in the mood to spend time fixing it.

Turning off the shower, I grab a towel, and start drying off my skin. I’m still whistling contently when I hear something odd. I grow quiet, focus my hearing, and try to find out what it is that I’m hearing. Sounds like someone crying again. Okay, this is starting to freak me out. I always liked living here, but these new neighbors are spooking me. There’s only one way to find out what’s going on and that’s to confront them.

I get dressed, apply a bit of make-up, and after making sure that I look okay, grab my keys from the small table in the hallway. I close the front door behind me and move next doors. There’s no nametag, which is unfortunate for me, as I have no idea whom I am dealing with. Ringing the doorbell, I wonder what awaits me. Why are they banging doors at night and who’s crying all the time?

It takes a while, but then there’s some movement. The door opens, marginally, as a door chain has been put on. “Hello?” I cock my head and try to peek around the door so I can see the person behind it. The moment I make eye contact, I suck in my breath. The shoulder-long, blond hair framing the face does little to hide the bruises marring the skin. It doesn’t stop at bruises though… One of the eyes is closed and swollen after having been punched at, and the right eyebrow is still smeared with blood. The worst thing however is that I know the person standing opposite me. Stunned, I watch Eero move further away from the door. It almost seems like he’s scared of me, but why would that be? I don’t remember Eero acting like that before. Granted, I don’t know him *that* well, but I don’t remember him being quickly intimidated.

The expression in his eyes grows even more intense. Yes, he *does* seem scared of me and I have no idea why. Focusing, I try to remember what Eero was like when he hung out with my younger brother. Ville and Eero always got along well and the only times I’ve seen Eero laugh was when Ville was close. Most of the time when I met him in the city, he looked glum and he didn’t say much.

“What do you want?” Eero asks timidly and quickly averts his gaze, directing it to the floor.

“Eero, is that really you?” I can’t believe the young man standing in front of me is the same Eero who always went out partying with Ville. The change startles me. Who did this to him? “What happened to you?” Eero visibly flinches at hearing my question and I become even more determined to find out who did this and why.

“I’m not interested in talking to you,” Eero whispers in a barely audible voice, but I hear the words nonetheless.

I need a moment to sort out my thoughts and to accept that this huddled mess standing in front of me is one of Ville’s best friends. Eero glances at me, but only for a moment and then looks away again. He looks torn, like he wants to talk to me, but is afraid to do so. In the end, I decide to try again. “Eero, you look like you ran into a fucking freight train! What the hell happened?”

Closely studying Eero’s eyes, I realize that something is terribly wrong. He looks stoned and I can tell that it’s hard on him to maintain his stance. He looks like he is about to faint any moment now. What drugs is he on? Damn it, why can’t they stay clear of them? Drugs are bad news and Eero is still so very young… Same age as Ville and much too young to be an addict.

“I’m fine,” Eero manages eventually. His voice shakes though and betrays his fear.

Sadly, I shake my head. You’re not fine, Eero. You’re hurt and becoming intimidated and I’ll find out why!

Eero’s obviously nervous, as his gaze shifts between me and the elevator. It looks like he’s expecting someone to show up and it’s not someone he wants to see.

“I can’t… I’m sorry, Jonne, but I can’t…”

I raise my arm to pat his hand, but Eero moves further away from the door. He doesn’t want me to touch him.

“You should go now,” Eero says, growing even more agitated.

“Eero, what’s going on? You know me. You know you can talk to me. Why don’t you let me in? I’ll make tea and you can tell me what’s wrong.” I need to show him that I’m there for him: I can only hope that he’ll accept my offer. While Eero thinks it over, he nibbles on his bottom lip and it starts to bleed. The skin is still too tender to withstand any nibbling.

“I can’t. Please go away. Just go away…”

I doubt it’s what he really wants. His lips may say one thing, but his eyes beg me to help him. Studying his expression, I notice the bruises once more – they’re bad. His whole face is black and blue. “Eero, I really mean it… If you need help, just ring my doorbell. I know we aren’t exactly close, but Ville likes you a lot and I want to help.”

Eero averts his gaze once more and stares at the floor. “Just go away and pretend we never met.”

“I can’t do that… You cried last night, didn’t you? I heard you…” Eero swallows hard, briefly meets my gaze, and I know I’m right. I heard him. Damn it, why won’t he let me help him?

“I’ll be quieter in the future.”

“That’s not why I said it!” Frustrated, I sigh and take a step closer to the door. I just want to help, damn it!

Eero shivers and stares at me. “You have to go now.”

“Why?” I cock my head questioningly. I’m not giving up that easily! At that moment, I catch the light on the elevator door flashing, announcing that it’s on its way up and I can tell that seeing it alarms Eero.

“Please, Jonne, just go… Now!”

Eero closes the door, and all of a sudden, I’m standing there on my own. Deep lines form on my brow as I try to figure out what happened just now.

Turning around, I head back for my apartment and start unlocking it when the elevator door opens behind me. Out of curiosity, I look up. The guy looks oddly familiar and from behind a half closed door, I study the new arrival. Dressed in jeans and a stained shirt, he makes an unpleasant impression on me. His curly brown hair is at shoulder-length and I can’t see his eyes because they’re hidden behind large sunglasses. Something about the guy gives me the chills, but I don’t know why.

Quickly, I unlock the door and step inside. Before closing it though, I look over my shoulder and see him step into Eero’s apartment. Things turned even more complicated just now.

I head for the kitchen, make myself a cup of tea, and settle down on the couch. Sipping slowly because it’s so damn hot, I mentally review the things that happened.

I don’t know what I expected to happen, but certainly nothing like that. Eero’s face was black and blue and he looked like he had been in a car crash, but I doubt it was an accident that did that to him. Someone beat him up – and beat him up good. I remember the way my friends looked when they were beaten up at the children’s home I lived at. I was lucky and seldom got punched on, but some of the boys weren’t so lucky.

So Eero cried last night… The whole thing puzzles me. Some weeks ago, Ville told me that Eero disappeared after a Black Jezus gig. After that, Eero was no longer part of Black Jezus and he also got kicked out of Heijaste. Ville wondered what happened to his friend, but he was unable to find out anything as he was ordered back to his unit.

And now I’ve found Eero and he looks like hell. Who was the other guy who stepped into the apartment? Eero’s boyfriend? Did the two of them have a fight and did this guy beat Eero up? If that’s the case, why isn’t Eero getting away from him? Eero has a good head on his shoulders, if it isn’t clouded by alcohol or drugs, but he looked rather stoned just now.

Sipping more tea, I wonder what to do about the situation. I can’t look the other way. Maybe other people can, but that’s not me. I need to do something -- I need to find a way to help Eero… Somehow…

~~~

“What’s wrong? You look troubled. You haven’t been brooding about Christus again, have you?” Tommi says in a voice that shows concern.

I shake my head. “It’s nothing like that… I haven’t thought about Christus once today… Until now, that is – and you brought him up, remember!” I’m edgy and it isn’t fair to make Tommi pay for it, but I’m pissed off and worried.

“Then what’s wrong? You have been livid ever since I got here. Did I do something to piss you off?”

“Sorry,” I mumble, regretting my outburst. “It’s just… I’m worried.”

“About what?”

Tommi puts his fork and knife on the plate and gives me this parental look, which tells me that I should open up fast, or else he will make me. “Something happened today that upset me.” I reach for the bottle of white wine that Tommi opened, but then reconsider. I shouldn’t drink any alcohol in my current mind set, as it will only backfire on me.

“What happened?” Reaching across the table, Tommi’s fingers curl around mine and press soothingly.

“I met my new neighbor.” I bite my bottom lip, which shows just how stressed I am.

“And that upset you because…?” Tommi is obviously mystified, as he has no idea what happened.

“It’s Eero…He looks like he ran into a train… His face was bruised and he looked stoned.” Tommi whistles. Until not so long ago, Eero was a part of Heijaste and Tommi still manages that band. I raise my gaze to look at him. “I know what someone looks like who’s been beaten up.”

“You shouldn’t let it get to you though… There’s nothing you can do about it.”

Tommi’s words spark my anger. “And just look the other way? No, thanks! I know what it feels like when people do that!” I could have used some help in the past, but sometimes people are excellent at blending out mute pleas for help.

“Jonne…”

Tommi gives me an apologetic look, but it’s too late. “I could have used some help too when I was living at the shelter, but people ignored that!”

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t around…that I couldn’t be there for you.”

Tommi’s words appease me, but only a little bit. “That wasn’t your fault, but I hate it when people ignore cries for help! It’s easy to look the other way, but it’s much harder to reach out and help!” That’s also why I tried so hard to help Christus, because ‘friends’ like Macceus aren’t interested in helping him at all! I can’t turn my back on a friend…and a former lover. I had to try and now I have to offer my help again. “I can’t and won’t pretend everything is fine! He even apologized for crying…”

Tommi sighs deeply. “So what’s going on next doors?”

“I guess this other guy is responsible for the state Eero’s in. I didn’t like him when I saw him get out of the elevator. He looks familiar, but…” I shake my head. “I don’t know why.”

“And what are you going to do about this? I just know that you’re going to get involved!”

Tommi really knows me. “I can call the police…” Although, I don’t really like that option. I have a feeling Eero will be beaten up even worse if I do.

“Do you think that’s smart?”

Sighing, I shrug. “I don’t know if it’s smart, but we need to do something!” I’m about to get to my feet when the door banging starts again, and this time, a startled scream accompanies it. “Can you ignore that?” I glare angrily at Tommi. I’m not angry with him: the whole situation pisses me off.

“I hardly can, can I?” Tommi looks worried too and that gains him points in my book. “Do you think we should check on Eero?”

“Are you suggesting we ring their doorbell?” I’m not sure what to make of Tommi’s suggestion.

“It’s either that, calling the police, or blending it out, and I don’t know about you, but locking out that scream is not an option for me.”

“You’re right… of course, you’re right.” Running my hand through my hair, I try to make up my mind. “What do you think we should do?”

“Call the police…”

I nod. Tommi’s suggestion is probably the best. That way, we don’t get personally involved. I don’t think knocking on their door is a good thing. This guy might take it out on us as well. I pick up my phone, dial the number, and explain the situation to the police officer taking the call. Once I told him that’s urgent, I terminate the call and turn to an old habit – I bite my fingernails and start chewing on them. It’s quiet next doors for the moment, but I doubt it will stay that way. “I need to know what’s happening, Tommi.”

“You need to be patient and let the police handle the matter.” Tommi walks over to me, puts his arms around me, and pulls me in for a hug, effectively stopping me from eating the rest of my fingernails.

I startle and flinch at hearing another loud thud. “That’s no door.” It sounded like someone being smashed against the wall.

“The police will get here shortly,” Tommi says, but his voice reveals worry as well.

The silence returns and it makes me even more edgy. “What’s taking them so long? The police should be there, stopping him!”

“They need time to get here,” Tommi says in an attempt to reassure me.

And yes, a moment later, someone’s ringing the doorbell next door. I hold my breath, but then I take Tommi’s hand in mine and pull him into the hallway. I don’t dare opening the front door, but we can hear the conversation outside and look through the spy hole. Now that the guy isn’t wearing sunglasses, I recognize the bastard – it’s Macceus.

“I don’t know who called you or why,” Macceus says in a charming voice, “but I can assure you that nothing is wrong. Everything is fine.”

“He’s fucking lying,” I tell Tommi. “And the police officers are buying it, I can’t believe it! Damn it, they need to go inside and get Eero out!” Tommi rests a hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me down, but it’s not working. I can tell that the police officers are buying the story and won’t investigate further.

“In that case, we’ll let you be,” one of the officers says. “Sorry for the inconvenience.”

“By the way, who called you, and why?” Macceus asks curiously.

“I can’t stand this!” I announce and unlock the door. “They can’t leave like that.” Tommi tries to stop me, but I simply push him aside. After opening the door, I step into the corridor and march over to the police officers. “You can’t leave yet! He’s been beating someone up! I heard them!”

Macceus seizes me up and I glare back at him. Bullies like him don’t intimidate me, not any longer. I learned how to deal with them back at the shelter. “You need to check on the other resident. His name is Eero and he was hurt when I talked to him this morning!” My statement angers Macceus and his facial expression turns grotesque. Gone is the charming look, and instead, he glares at me with fury, having recognized me too.

“You talked to Eero? Damn it! I knew I couldn’t leave that little shit alone!”

Turning around, Macceus marches back into the apartment and I have the feeling things are about to escalate. I glare at the two police officers and yell, “Do something!” Tommi has joined me and puts a restraining arm around me, knowing that I’m about to storm in there. “Let me!” I want to turn around in order to collect the baseball bat that I keep in the hallway for safety measures, but Tommi won’t let me.

“They’ll handle it, okay?”

“I don’t fucking care!” Oh, yes, I’m good at throwing tantrums if I want to, and now I want to get my hands on Macceus for more than one reason. He won’t know what hit him once I manage to get to him. I don’t look like it, but I can deal out some nasty punches if I want to.

Screams erupt from the apartment and I push Tommi away. I have to know what’s happening in there!

“You little shit! I knew it!”

Following Macceus’ voice, I head inside the apartment. No one is keeping me back any longer! I waited too long already! The sight that greets me shocks me. Eero is huddled against the wall and is unable to get to his feet. The expression in his eyes is clouded and he’s obviously on some sort of drug.

My heart misses a beat as I watch Macceus grab Eero by his hair and fling him against the wall like he’s a ragdoll. Eero is no match for Macceus who is taller and much heavier. I flinch at hearing the thud of Eero’s head being smashed against the brick wall. Like in slow motion, Eero slides down the wall and ends up on his knees, swaying dangerously. “Leave him alone,” I hiss and am ready to get involved when the police officers finally move in. They grab Macceus, subdue him, and eventually handcuff him.

Now that Macceus is no longer a threat, I focus on Eero. I kneel next to him, and with the utmost care, gather him in my arms. He flinches away from me, probably thinking I’m Macceus and here to deal out more punishment, but I persevere and pull him gently against my chest.

In an attempt to soothe him, I whisper into his ear, “It’s okay…they’re getting him out of here… It’s over…” Suddenly Eero turns into a dead weight against me and instinctively I tighten my hold him on. I’m just in time, because during the next moment he crumbles against me and faints.

TBC

Part 2

I’m doing my best to weep silently. Stuck in a corner of the bedroom, I’m curled up and hide my face within my hands, protecting it from the kicks. Macceus is in a bad mood today and I have no idea why. I didn’t do anything wrong – didn’t disobey him… I didn’t even object or fight him when he forced those damn pills down my throat. I hate those tranquilizers and I don’t want to take them: they make me feel out of it. What was I thinking about? Oh yes, does Macceus know that I talked to Jonne? He didn’t mention it though.

“Stop crying, damn it!”

One of Macceus’ boots impacts with the wall next to me. It almost hit me and he probably regrets missing me. “I’m sorry…” When did things turn so bad?

When Macceus took me under his wings… He was the parent – the father – I never had and I liked living with him, but then Macceus started drinking and shooting up. He changes when he’s high. His whole personality does and he becomes evil – so damn evil. It turned so bad that the landlord kicked him out of his former apartment and Macceus had to find a new place to live and he dragged me along with him, never giving me a choice in the matter.

Macceus’ footfalls tell me that he’s moving away – probably into the kitchen and I allow myself to breathe more deeply – more loudly. No matter what I do, it’s never right. Something is always wrong.

I wipe at the blood that spills from my split lip and rest my head against the wall, which is pleasantly cool. I want out… I want to get away from Macceus, but he’s possessive and keeps me locked up most of the time. Another problem is that I don’t have a place to go and no one to help or protect me and Macceus knows that. Where should I run to? I have no family left and my friends… They probably think I deserted them as I’ve been out of touch for so long, but Macceus won’t let me talk to them.

“I’m hungry! Fix me something to eat!”

Macceus’ angry voice pulls me from my musings. Reality catches up with me and reminds me that there is no way out. I push myself to my feet, and although I’m wobbly, I manage my way into the kitchen, which is a mess. I try to keep everything clean and organized, but Macceus doesn’t care and leaves his stuff all over the place, never bothering to clean up after himself. “What do you want to eat?” I hate the way my voice shakes, but my fear is stronger than me. I press against the wall in a futile attempt to increase the distance between us, but if he wants to have another swing at me, there’s no way out for me.

“Pasta’s okay.” Macceus grabs another beer, opens the can, and empties it in one go.

Tonight’s going to be bad, I can tell that much if he’s already drunk that early during the day. Trying to make as less noise as I can, I get out pots and pans. Macceus doesn’t like it when I’m noisy and it sparks his anger. I have to be careful now… especially while seeing the needle, already filled with heroin, on the kitchen table.

~~~

Flinching violently, I turn my head away from Macceus’ boot and try to protect my face from the kick. My worst fear has become true – Macceus continued to drink after dinner and shot himself up. And when he’s high, he gets aggressive and lashes out at me.

In a strangely detached way, I register the kicks, but I don’t feel them anymore – not really. My body feels numb and I’m grateful for that. The ache will kick in later though – I know that from past experiences.

“Why the hell are you still here? Why am I keeping you around, you fucker?”

Macceus’ words are meant to hurt me, but I barely notice them. In the past, I pointed out to him that he‘s the one forcing me to stay, but he never listens. If it had been up to me, I would have left a long time ago – God knows I tried to get away from him.

Suddenly he grabs my hair and pulls forcefully at it. I have no choice as to raise my head and look at him, even though it will fuel his anger. He doesn’t like it when I meet his gaze, and I’m right again. Macceus raises his arm and prepares to strike me. There’s nothing I can do but wait for him to hit me, but then…

“Open this door immediately. This is the police. If you don’t open it, we’ll use force!”

I laugh… I don’t know what to think of the situation. I’m close to growing hysteric and I just don’t care what will happen next. I just want it to end, one way or another!

“Don’t laugh, you little shit!” Macceus is furious and kicks me in the abdomen before he marches out of the kitchen. Thank God, he’s gone for now.

I wrap my arms around my upper body. I hurt everywhere, but I can’t dwell on that right now. I have to find out what’s happening in the hallway. Will the police try to get in? Or can Macceus sweet-talk them into believing that everything is fine? It wouldn’t be the first time that happened. I use a chair to pull myself to my feet, and through a haze of red, I stumble into the corridor. My eyebrow is bleeding again, but I pay it no attention. The police are out there and they can help me. They can help me get away from him. I have to try…

~~~

“You little shit! I knew it!”

Macceus’ voice sends shivers down my spine and I frantically look about, trying to find shelter from this mad man, but I’m too slow. My injuries and the tranquilizers slow me down and Macceus’ fury gives him speed. Before I know what’s happening, he grabs me by my hair and slams me against the wall -- face first. Everything starts to spin and I feel dizzy and nauseous. Slowly, I slide down the wall and end up my knees, dreading the next blow.

“Stop it right there!”

I’m too dizzy to raise my head in order to find out who called out those words. I know it wasn’t Macceus and it didn’t sound like Jonne either. Maybe it’s the police and they want to help me. I don’t know for sure though and lean against the wall for support. My head hurts and I feel like I’m about to throw up.

Suddenly a pair of arms closes around me and I flinch away from the touch in fright, expecting Macceus to lash out again, but then I’m eased against someone’s chest and a soft voice whispers into my ear, “It’s okay…they’re getting him out of here… It’s over…”

Even in my foggy state of mind, I recognize the voice. It’s Jonne’s. In the background, I hear Macceus yelling in frustration, and a moment later everything is quiet. I guess I’m safe for now and that realization causes me to give in to the pain. Fainting, I crumble against Jonne.

~~~

“Hey, wake up for me… Just for a moment and then you can go back to sleep, Eero.”

A voice pulls me away from my memories, which haunt me in my dreams and I try to open my eyes – as far as it’s possible. Macceus closed one with a punch, which he delivered yesterday, and it’s so swollen that I can hardly see with it. After trying for a long minute, I manage to open them minutely.

“Ah, that’s great…”

I blink slowly and wonder if I’m still dreaming, but this time, it’s not a nightmare for a change. Jonne is at my bedside and Macceus is nowhere in sight. I don’t know what to make of the situation. Is it real, or are the tranquilizers messing me up? Whatever is the case, I’m glad I’m no longer reliving Macceus beating me up again!

“Eero? You *do* know who I am, don’t you? You’re looking at me like you don’t know me,” Jonne says, sounding worried. He moves closer and sits on the edge of the bed. Jonne raises his hand and I flinch involuntarily, expecting some blow.

“Eero? You’re safe here. The police took him away. He won’t get out quickly. They got him for assault and they found heroin in the apartment. And in his blood as well,” Jonne moistens his lips and looks questioningly at me. “The police want a word with you too, but the doctor convinced them to wait.”

It’s too much information for me to take in. All I can do is stare at Jonne in shock. My mind is trying to deal with the things Jonne told me, but… All that matters to me is that Macceus isn’t around for now. Jonne inches closer still and I fight the urge to crawl away from him, but my body feels numb and doesn’t want to move.

“You’ve been asleep for eight hours, in case you’re wondering.” Jonne smiles soothingly.

My eyes widen. Eight hours?

Jonne nods at seeing my surprise. “I’ll tell you what happened and it’s okay if you forget it again… You’re not well, so don’t worry.”

I manage a minute nod, but immediately regret moving my head.

“You shouldn’t move,” Jonne says, “The wall was harder than your skull and you’re sporting some impressive lumps.”

Ah, that explains the headache. I close my eyes and hope my stomach will settle down again. At the moment I feel nauseous. Jonne starts talking again and in a strange way, hearing his voice soothes me.

“They took Macceus to the police station and searched his apartment. They found lots of drugs – heroin and tranquilizers mostly. They ran a test on his blood and it was spiked with heroin all right. He’ll be charged on several offences and I doubt he has the money to get out on bail.”

That’s good – I don’t want Macceus to show up again. I like where I am right now – in a warm bed and tucked in.

“They called a doctor to check on you and he patched you up. They also took a sample of your blood to run some tests on.”

I turn my head marginally so I can make eye contact with Jonne. Do I want to hear what’s coming next?

“They found a whole load of tranquilizers in your blood… Care to explain that?”

I’m not capable of explaining anything now. The room’s spinning and my stomach is acting up. I gulp, try to fight it down, but it’s not working. Thankfully, Jonne catches on quickly and grabs the bucket, which he placed next to the bed earlier.

“It’s okay,” Jonne says and helps me to sit upright. “The doctor said that something like this could happen. Don’t fight it.”

I couldn’t fight it even if I wanted to. I grab the bucket and empty my stomach into it, which, thankfully, is rather empty. Throwing up leaves me with a killer headache though and a nasty taste in my mouth.

“Just one more moment…” Jonne says and I try to maintain my position, although I want to lie down again. “Here, drink this…”

Carefully not to spill anything, I drink the flavored water and can’t help leaning heavily against Jonne. I feel so old… so dead inside… Like I’m done with life. I wouldn’t mind dying right now.

“Let’s get you comfortable again…”

Jonne helps me onto my back again and tucks the comforter around my form. Staring at the ceiling, I realize that I’m not in Macceus’ apartment and I wonder where I am. I want to ask Jonne about that, but my eyes start to close again and before I know it, I’m asleep again – hopefully I won’t dream.

~~~

The next time I wake up, the room bathes in warm, golden sunlight. I lost all track of time, but not of the pain still sweeping through my body. My head and back hurt the most, and my face burns. My mind isn’t so clouded anymore though. Maybe I slept so long that the tranquilizers are losing their effect.

“You’re awake again…”

Jonne’s back… I wonder why he’s sticking around. Turning my head to the side, I ignore the sting in my neck and meet his gaze. I wonder what expression lies in his eyes… Disdain? Pity? Loathing? “I’m…sorry,” I manage in a weak voice.

“It’s okay… Don’t worry about a thing… Just concentrate on getting better.”

The smile Jonne directs at me confuses me. Why is he smiling at me?

“You must be thirsty. I made some tea. Do you want some?”

Tea? Did he really say tea? I blink, feeling confused.

“Sorry, no beer or strong liquor for you – doctor’s orders.”

In a strange way, Jonne seems to be enjoying himself. I don’t get it. Why is he taking care of me? Jonne moves closer and gently pulls me upright until I can rest my back against the wall. I flinch when the door opens, fully expecting it to be Macceus, but it’s Tommi instead and I flinch again. I let him down – I let Heijaste down too, but Macceus made it impossible for me to be at their rehearsals.

“The doctor just called and he wants an update,” Tommi says, explaining his presence. “Hello, Eero…”

Feeling ashamed, I avert my gaze. I can’t look him in the eye.

“He’s doing better,” Jonne says and tries to catch my gaze again. I ignore him though.

“And the police want a word with you. They’re dropping by tomorrow,” Tommi says before leaving the room again.

I really messed up. Why are Jonne and Tommi even bothering with me?

“Don’t be sad,” Jonne says and places the palm of his hand against my cheek so he can turn my head toward him. I give in reluctantly and look at him. “I would like to know what happened though. Do you want to tell me? You don’t need to tell me everything – just a bit.”

I don’t want to talk about it – admit my failures to him – my shame… but he deserves an explanation. After all, he’s taking care of me when he shouldn’t. I’m just a worthless piece of shit. Macceus is right about that. “What do you want to know?”

Jonne cocks his head at hearing how raw my voice sounds. “Maybe you should drink some tea first…” he suggests and reaches for the cup holding the tea. “Drink some… It’s not that hot any more. It had time to cool down.”

He offers it to me and, just to please him, I reach for it. My right hand shakes though and my left one is bandaged. Why is that?

“You sprained it,” Jonne says, explaining the bandage.

I nod. So that’s why it hurt. Jonne wraps his fingers around mine and guides the cup to my lips. I drink some of the tea and close my eyes in bliss. It’s great to get some fluids inside.

“So, tell me, what happened? How did you end up in that situation?” Jonne asks once I emptied the cup and puts it back on the nightstand.

“How? I don’t know myself…” I shift on the bed until I’m reclining against my pillow. “I needed a place to stay…”

“What happened to your own place?” Jonne makes himself comfortable on the bed and watches me closely – too closely.

“I lost it…” Frowning, I try to remember what happened. “I met Macceus and back then, he was still clean. As a poor student I struggled each month to pay the rent and Macceus offered me a room for free if I played the drums for Black Jezus…” I feel drained already and I close my eyes. I won’t be able to stay awake for long. “I accepted… moved my stuff and…” My eyes open with a start at feeling Jonne’s fingers curling around mine. My first thought is to pull my hand away from the touch, but… it’s been so long since someone showed me affection in that way and I realize that I miss it. Jonne squeezes my fingers gently, careful not to add injury to my bruised hand.

“What do you study?”

Jonne’s question confuses me, as I didn’t expect it. I expected another question about Macceus. “What?”

“You said you’re a student. What do you study?”

I blink. Why does he want to know that? “Philosophy… Nothing special…” Jonne however seems impressed for some reason. “I quit though.”

“Why?” Jonne asks surprised. “It’s always good to have something to fall back on when the music no longer earns you any money!”

“It’s hard to study when you’re on drugs…” I turn my head away from Jonne. I really don’t want to see the expression in his eyes that moment.

“You can always go back to university. We will worry about that later. First, you need to recover and I’ve been tiring you with my questions. I’ll let you go back to sleep, but first I want you to drink more tea. You need the fluids.”

This time, I manage to curl the fingers of my good hand around the cup and I empty it slowly. “Jonne?” I don’t want to hear the answer, but I need to ask this question.

“Yes?”

Jonne cocks his head and smiles at me. Jonne’s reactions surprise me. He seems genuinely interested in me and doesn’t seem to mind taking care of me – that never happened before. I’ve been on my own as long as I can remember. “Why are you doing this? We aren’t even friends…”

Jonne shrugs his shoulders. “You need help and you’re one of Ville’s best friends… I also hate it when people look the other way when someone needs help.”

I nod slowly. “Thanks…for… getting involved,” I whisper softly. It’s hard to accept that someone cares. “I’ll try not to be a burden…and you don’t have to be here all the time…”

“Hey, I want to, alright?” Jonne smiles brilliantly.

And that smile makes me swallow hard as it reminds me of the way Ville smiled at me in the past. I’m afraid to ask about Ville though. I know I messed up when I could no longer contact him. Ville probably thinks I no longer care about him.

“Tell you what,” Jonne says unexpectedly. “You get more sleep and I’ll bring more tea later on.”

I’m fine with that. Sleeping sounds good, especially if the police want to question me tomorrow. I should be rested then. I’m about to close my eyes, but then Jonne rubs my fingers again and draws my attention back to him. I look questioningly at him, but Jonne merely smiles at me. It’s odd to have someone express his affection for me in that way and I want to do something for him in turn. Jonne asked me a question – I don’t remember when, but I know he did. “I didn’t want to take those pills… Macceus made me.”

Jonne’s expression shows surprise upon hearing my admission. “So he forced you to take them…What about the other drugs they found at Macceus’ apartment?”

I grow pale, realizing I have to answer these questions tomorrow at the latest when the police officers show up. “I smoked some pot, but I didn’t touch the harder stuff. I’m scared to take heroin or cocaine… That’s not me.” Jonne is still rubbing my fingers and I’m surprised that he hasn’t let go yet. I wonder why he likes me – I don’t even like myself.

“Stay clear of that stuff, Eero. It’s bad for you, trust me.”

Jonne doesn’t need to tell me that. I’ve seen what those drugs did to Macceus and Christus. “Jonne?”

“Yes?”

He gives me another smile and this time, I grow flustered. “What’s going to happen to me? Will they arrest me? Put me into a cell?”

“I don’t think so. You’re the victim here. I wouldn’t worry. The tranquilizers they found in your blood aren’t illegal and they didn’t find anything else. They merely want your statement so they can charge Macceus appropriately. They will probably offer you some counseling too, if you want it.”

I turn my head away from Jonne, as I can no longer bear the affectionate expression in his eyes. I really don’t deserve it.

“Just get some sleep and don’t worry if you hear noise coming from the living room. The rest of the band is dropping by for a drink. Just ignore us, okay?”

“Alright,” I whisper as it hurts too much to move my head; the headache is back.

“But that doesn’t mean you‘re on your own. If you need something, just tell me. And in case you’re wondering, you’re always welcome to join us.”

“I’d rather stay put,” I whisper. My eyes are closing and I’m drifting off into sleep. Our conversation drained me.

“You’re going to be fine,” I hear Jonne’s voice in the back of my mind before giving into sleep. “We’ll take care of you.”

~~~

Later that evening, I wake up because I urgently need to visit the bathroom. All that tea Jonne fed me wants out. I face a problem though as I have no idea how to find the bathroom and I am not even sure I can walk unaided yet. There’s only one way to find out though.

Slowly, in order to save my strength, I push the comforter aside, sit upright, and put my feet onto the floor. Not a very smart thing to do as my ribs, back, and neck protest that action. That’s too bad though. I draw in a deep breath – but not too deep – and push myself to my feet. Oh, my ribs like that even less, but I don’t give up. I can’t use Jonne’s bed as my personal bathroom, can I?

Looking down at my body, I realize I am wearing a long T-shirt that definitely isn’t mine. I don’t own one with Disney characters on it. Ah well, it covers me up and that’s the important part. Slowly I put one foot in front of the other and ignore the ache running through my body. I can do this.

I need to lean against the wall when I finally reach the door. A fine layer of cold sweat forms on my brow and I feel dizzy, but I can’t stop now. I open the door and immediately hear voices coming from my left. Jonne said that the rest of his band is visiting this evening so I’m guessing it’s them.

Shuffling ahead, I try to find out where the bathroom is located, but I have no idea where to look. This apartment has too many doors.

“Hey, what are you doing out of bed?”

Suddenly Jonne’s standing next to me and he gives me a worried look. I’m sorry that I disturbed him and am ruining his evening with his band mates. “Sorry… Can’t find the bathroom.”

“Ah, I should have known… I’ll show you… Guys, I’ll be right back!” Jonne calls out to the rest of his band and then curls an arm around me, as I sway dangerously. “Lean against me…”

I don’t have much of a choice, but I’m grateful nonetheless. “Thanks…” Jonne guides me to the bathroom, opens the door, and helps me inside. I can’t help smiling at seeing the fluffy, pink mat on the floor.

“Are you laughing at me?” Jonne says suddenly.

Immediately the smile dies on my face. “Never… Sorry!”

“I was only joking… No reason to get upset…”

Jonne gives me another worried look and I bow my head. It’ll be a long time before I’ll get used to being around him. I’m still used to Macceus’ snarls and him putting me down. “Sorry…”

Jonne merely smiles at me and asks, “Do you need help or can you manage alone?”

I blush to the roots of my hair. “I think I can manage…” At least, I hope so.

“I’ll wait for you outside.” Jonne closes the door behind him and leaves me alone.

Turning around, I glance at my reflection in the mirror and I cringe. I look bad… Well, there’s no use in dwelling on that and I’d better do what I came in for. I relieve myself and then head for the sink. While washing my hands, I raise my head and study my mirror image again. I fucking hate you… Weak… Stupid… Worthless…

“Are you alright? Eero?”

Jonne’s voice pulls me away from my thoughts and I sigh. “I’m fine.”

“Can I come inside?”

I sigh again. Jonne, you should kick me out and get on with your life. You’re wasting your time with me. “Sure.” The door opens and I watch Jonne via the mirror. He looks worried.

“Are you done? I want you back in bed. You look like you’re ready to keel over.”

I’m not too bothered though – I’ve felt worse. Jonne however wraps an arm around me and guides me out of the bathroom. Inside the living room, the conversation is still going strong and they seem to entertain themselves. I always wanted to be part of such a group – a family, because that’s what they are – a family, which I never had.

Jonne returns me to the bed and suddenly I feel guilty. “Is this your bedroom?”

Jonne nods. “I don’t mind… I’m using Ville’s in the meantime.” Jonne sits down on the bed and I wonder if he has noticed my need to talk. “You can talk to me, you know.”

I moisten my lips and stare at the wall in an effort to fight my nervousness. “Do you know if Ville’s very angry with me?”

Jonne’s eyebrow rises higher. “Why would he be mad with you?”

“I haven’t talked to him in three months…”

Jonne shakes his head. “I doubt he’s upset about that. He’s been in the army for three months, so if someone is to blame for losing contact it’s Ville. He didn’t even tell you that he went into the army, did he?”

“We didn’t talk that much anymore…” I still don’t want to make eye contact. I *do* feel guilty. But it wasn’t just my fault that we lost contact. Ville was drinking a lot back then ‘thanks’ to Christus. “I don’t want to lose his friendship.” Ville is the only real friend I ever had. I’m not someone who makes friends easily. Most people don’t like me, but Ville’s different. My bad attitude didn’t faze him and he got through to the real me hiding underneath the mask.

“You won’t. I’ll tell him that you’re worried the next time we talk on the phone and he’ll be home on Saturday. Then you can talk to him in person.”

Jonne pats my hand and I look at him in surprise. I’m not used to people touching me – not in that way.

“Do you think you can eat something? It’s been two days since the police got you out.”

Jonne’s words send shivers down my spine. I don’t want to be reminded of that incident. “I’m not sure.” I don’t know if my stomach can handle any food.

“We’ll find out then. Just give me a moment and I’ll be right back.”

Jonne gives me another one of his smiles and then leaves the room. I use the time to study my surroundings. Jonne’s room is the strangest I’ve ever seen. Why are there so many cuddly toys in here? And the white/pink curtains are odd too. It could easily be a girl’s room…but who am I to judge?

“I hope you don’t mind… Nakki decided to tag along… You know him, don’t you?” Jonne’s back, but he’s not alone.

“Hello Eero…” Nakki raises an arm and waves. “It’s been a while.”

Of course, I know Nakki. Tampere isn’t that big and everyone who’s into music knows each other, but I wish Jonne hadn’t brought Nakki along. I don’t want people to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to see me, period!

“I made soup and I wonder if you like it,” Nakki says and offers me a bowl and a spoon. “It’s chicken soup.”

I take hold of the bowl and barely manage to keep the soup from sloshing over the rim -- that’s how badly my hands shake. I avoid looking at Nakki and pretend to busy myself eating the soup.

Jonne gives me a concerned look. “We’ll be back in a few minutes… Try to eat as much as you can…”

I appreciate it that he’s giving me some privacy, and once they stepped out of the room, the shivering lessens to an extent that enables me to eat the soup without spilling. The soup tastes good; I have to give him that. Nakki is a good cook. It takes a few minutes, but I manage to empty the bowl and then put it on the nightstand.

I feel better than I have in months. These last three months have been hell, and now it seems, I’ve escaped. I can’t help but worry though. I’m safe now and got a place to stay, but what will happen once Jonne expects me to leave? I can’t stay here indefinitely. Where do I go then? I don’t have a place to stay, I have no job and I know no one who is willing to take me in.

What I *do* have are many problems…

TBC

Part 3

I watch Eero from the doorway for some time before finally making my way inside. After reaching his bedside, I check the content of the soup bowl and am pleased to find it empty. I understand that this situation is hard on him, and I think he’s doing well under these circumstances. “I’ll join you again in just a moment,” I tell Nakki, who nods and then heads for the living room. I want a moment to make sure Eero’s fine.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I study Eero’s face. He’s so damn young, only twenty-one, and he has already been through so much. I can’t help but sigh – why does life have to be so hard. I take his hand in mine and gently rub the fingers. Sitting here, I’m reminded of all the times during which I had to be the strong one. I was there for Ville when he needed me, for Larry, during his rehab and even for Christus, but that seems an eternity ago. I don’t mind being the strong one as long as I have Tommi to lean on when I need support myself.

It’s Thursday evening and I expect Ville to get here sometime during Saturday morning, which is a good thing for I think Eero needs another friend. I seriously doubt Ville is cross with Eero – why would he? Ville never mentioned being angry with Eero in the first place so I’m counting on those two to renew their friendship. Suddenly Eero gasps for air, his features contort and he mumbles barely audibly but urgently. The poor guy is probably having a nightmare and I can’t blame him. He went through lots of trauma these last few months.

Leaning in close, I stroke the younger man’s brow and whisper in what is hopefully a soothing voice, “You’re safe, Eero. You’re here with me. You can relax.”

My words seem to reach him, as Eero calms down. I didn’t want to wake him, but apparently, he did. His good eye focuses on me and he looks at me in confusion. I move a little closer so he can see me better and switch on the little lamp on the nightstand. “You’re in my apartment, remember? You’re safe now.” Eero swallows hard and for one moment, I’m under the impression that he’s going to weep, but then he puts up this front and pretends he’s fine. I wish he would give in and cry though. Getting his emotions out will help him heal, but he has to find that out himself. “Why don’t you go back to sleep? It’s still early… Only one AM.”

Eero blinks and closes his eyes again, but not for one moment do I believe he’s going back to sleep. He’s scared that the nightmare will return. “I can stay if you want me to.”

Eero weakly shakes his head. “No, you should be with your friends and party instead of wasting your time with me. I’ll cope.”

I sigh deeply and rub his fingers a bit harder. “I don’t mind being here with you and I’m certainly not wasting my time. Don’t ever think that.” What did those months living with a mad Macceus do to this young man? I don’t know Eero well enough to be able to assess the damage properly. I’ll leave that to Ville. “You’re a valuable person,” I add, recalling the way he phrased things earlier. I can imagine that his self-esteem hit rock bottom and I want to change that.

“You don’t even know me.” Eero pulls his hand away, moves onto his side, and turns his back toward me.

I won’t give up so easily though. I went through a lot of this with Ville when he was much younger. Instead of leaving the room, as Eero wants me to, I circle around the bed and sit down on the other side. “That doesn’t work with me.” I take hold of his hand again and notice the fierce motion shaking it. “You’re right though, I don’t know you very well, but I know that Ville cares about you and that’s enough reason for me to care too. Do you even know how picky Ville is when it comes down to choosing friends and letting them in?” I don’t trust easily, but Ville is even worse and you have to pass many tests before he really lets you in. Sadly enough, Christus passed those tests too.

“I don’t care…”

“I don’t believe you.” I really don’t. I don’t know what happened to Eero when he was younger that makes him act in this way now, but I will find out and then we’ll deal with it. We all have skeletons in the closet. “Would you like to join the gang and let them distract you? Antti makes good entertainment.”

“No!”

I got his full attention now. He’s scared to face them and I imagine it’s because he dreads their looks and questions. “But they’re really a nice bunch.”

“No, please…”

The begging expression in Eero’s eyes gets to me. He really is afraid to face them. He can’t hide in here forever, but for now, I allow him to stay in bed. I need to distract him however, or else the nightmares will be back the moment he closes his eyes. I grin menacingly as I come up with an idea. Reaching onto the floor, I manage to take hold of Eeyore. Eeyore has the perfect size to snuggle up to at night.

Eero gives me a puzzled look. The poor guy doesn’t know what to make of my actions and I’m fine with that for now. “Here…” I push Eeyore toward him and make sure the stuffed animal is looking at Eero with his big, sad eyes.

Eero seems lost for words, but then gathers his wits about him. “And what am I supposed to do with that?”

How can anyone *not* like Eeyore? I shake my head at that and wonder what kind of childhood Eero had. It can’t have been a pleasant one. “That’s Eeyore by the way. You surely know him, don’t you?”

“I’m no baby! Get it away from me!”

Eero’s fierce reaction puzzles me. “It’s only a cuddly toy.”

“Which I don’t need or even want near me!” Eero pushes Eeyore off the bed.

“Hey, there’s no reason to be mean to him!” I pick Eeyore up again and give him a hug to make up for Eero’s rejection. “You even remind me of him…” When Eero is off-guard, he has the same sad look in his eyes.

“I remind you of a donkey? Thanks!”

Ah, I’m finally seeing some fire and it makes me grin. “Nah, not a donkey, but you’re just as cute as he is.” Eero gasps and looks at me with his mouth wide ajar. Looks like I managed to shut him up. “Try him! He’s really great for cuddling!”

“I don’t want him!”

I’m not so sure about that, but I stop pushing Eero. Instead, I place Eeyore at the foot end of the bed and get to my feet. “Try to get some sleep, Eero, and remember, if you need anything, I’m in the living room.” Eero seems offended and doesn’t even look at me as I make my way over to the doorway. I close the door behind me, but not completely. I want it ajar so I can hear Eero call out in case he’s having another nightmare.

My thoughts still circle around Eero by the time I join my friends in the living room. Larry and Antti are fooling around on my acoustic guitar and Nakki tries some lyrics to go with the melody. It sounds horrible though. Jay, always relaxed and minding his own business, is going through my CD collection in the hope to find some music that will shut the other three up. He’s taking awfully long to decide on a CD though. That only leaves Gary.

Our new guitarist made himself comfortable on the sofa and his gaze moves through the room. He seems curious, but it’s always hard to tell with him. Gary confuses me. He’s different from the people I got to know so far. Most of the time, he just watches people and doesn’t say much, and when he does speak, it’s always worthwhile listening to his observations.

When Antti first introduced me to Gary, I was surprised that those two are such good friends. Gary is calm, mellow, and serious, where Antti is restless, high on energy, and always looking for trouble. Maybe it *is* true and opposites attract. No matter what, their friendship works and they get along extremely well. I want that too – I want to get to know Gary and form some bond, especially if he’s here to stay and become a permanent band member.

“How is your guest doing?” Gary asks when I sit down on the couch next to him.

“He had another nightmare and it’s hard for him to accept help. I don’t think he ever had someone to lean on. He strikes me as someone who had to cope on his own.” I reach for the tea on the coffee table and notice that the others are sticking to beer. Gary is having café macchiato. That makes me curious. “Don’t you drink alcohol?” I blow onto the surface of the tea in order to make it cool down faster and glance at Gary from above the rim of my cup.

“Occasionally I do, but I prefer red wine when I *do* drink. I’m not much of a drinker to be honest. I’m addicted to caffeine instead.” Gary smiles and gives me a thoughtful look. “How about you?”

I swallow hard. “It’s not my favorite topic,” but he deserves an answer. Looking about, I find the others aren’t paying us any attention and so I continue. “My parents have a problem with alcohol and I guess I inherited it… and Ville too,” I add and shrug. “I do drink, but I try to limit the number of occasions when I do. Alcohol changes me and I don’t like the person I become when I drink.”

“Then staying away from it is the smart thing to do,” Gary says in that slow, pondering voice of his. “It must be hard to stick to that rule though, especially seeing the business we’re in.”

I avert my gaze and stare into the tea swirling in my cup. “You’re right… But I managed so far and I’m not throwing away my achievements just to be drunk. Music is important to me. It keeps me going and stops me from letting myself go.”

“Unfortunately for you it didn’t work for Christus,” Gary remarks carefully.

My gaze locks with Gary’s. He’s right of course, but this is the first time he addressed the matter so directly. We always danced around it for some reason. “Christus’ problems go deeper than that. He did heroin in the past and…he’s doing it again…maybe even doing other drugs as well. We had to cut him loose. He was dragging us down with him…and I had to protect Ville.”

“Your younger brother.”

Gary’s eyes pierce my soul and I feel naked beneath the look. How can anyone’s gaze be so intense? “Yes, Christus was dragging my younger brother down with him and I had to stop that from happening. Ville already has a drinking problem… I don’t want him to become a junkie as well.”

Gary shifts on the couch, puts his cup onto the coffee table, and looks at me with that piercing gaze that makes me feel like he can see into the darkest and dirtiest corner of my mind. In the end, I can’t stay quiet. “What?”

“It must have been hard on you to let Christus go. I hope I’m not trespassing, but Antti told me how close the two of you were at one point.”

I gasp at hearing that and throw Antti an angry look, but the redhead doesn’t notice and continues to jam with Nakki and Larry. “Christus wasn’t always the bastard he is today. He was a different person back then.”

“And you hope that person will return to you?”

I look at Gary in surprise – what kind of conversation is this? What does he want from me? “I fooled myself into believing that for a long time. I always hoped that Christus would realize his mistakes and get help, but I realize that it won’t happen. He’s much too deep into that shit already. These days, I expect to hear that he’s been found dead after he overdosed.”

A sigh leaves Gary’s lips, and to my surprise, he reaches for my right hand to envelop it within his. He has big hands for a guitarist…

“I hope it won’t come to that. Maybe he will come to his senses after all.”

“I don’t count on that happening,” I reply. “I used to believe that in the past, but not anymore.”

“Never give up on hope,” Gary says and strokes my fingers lightly. “Sometimes it’s all we have.”

~~~

Around two o’clock, Nakki, Larry, and Jay say their goodbyes and leave. Gary sticks around though and I wonder why. “I want to check on Eero,” I tell our new guitarist and Gary nods.

“I’ll tag alone,” he announces much to my surprise and Gary follows me as I make my way into my bedroom. I remain standing in the doorway and smile brightly. “What’s so funny?” Gary wants to know as he takes up position next to me.

“He’s cuddling Eeyore… You don’t know how loudly he protested me putting Eeyore in bed with him.” I feel a bit giddy that I got through to Eero. “He acts tough most of the time, but I think it’s just a front. He isn’t like that – not really. He just adopted that attitude because it keeps people at a distance. I don’t think he had a lot of people to fall back on in the past.”

Suddenly, Gary wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to his chest. I’m surprised at first and unsure what to do, but then I accept the comfort and lean against him. I’m scared of letting myself fall – of finding out that Gary isn’t the nice guy I’m taking him for – but what’s life without taking risks now and then? Calculated risks that is, at least these days.

“He’s fortunate to have you to look after him.”

Gary’s comment makes me blush. I’m amazed at how easily and quickly he bridged the gap between us. All he had to do was wrap me up in an embrace. “I want to be there for him… He needs friends at the moment.”

“I’ll help too,” Gary promises. “I have two younger brothers. I know what it’s like to take care of someone who got himself into a mess.”

Growing curious, I turn around in the embrace. It’s the first time that Gary brings up his family. “How much younger?”

“Markku is the Benjamin. We are ten years apart. It’s hard not to see him as the family’s baby, you know. Niilo is two years younger than me. We get along well.”

I smile at him. I like it that he looks after his younger brothers, but then again, I would have been shocked if he didn’t. Gary strikes me as a caring person. “Younger brothers are often trouble.”

“Ah, I never thought I would ever admit that!” Tommi says as he appears in the doorway.

Damn it, I didn’t even hear him enter the apartment. “You weren’t supposed to hear that!” I attempt to free myself of Gary’s embrace, but the other man seems reluctant to let go and only releases me after another minute. Tommi’s smug grin tells me that he noticed and that the fact that I allowed the contact pleases him. “Well, older brothers are trouble too!”

Eero stirs in his sleep and I gesture for Tommi and Gary to follow me into the living room. I don’t want the younger man to wake up now that his sleep is peaceful for a change. Tommi and Gary catch on and join me at the kitchen table. A quick look at the clock tells me that it’s already three in the morning. I can’t throw Gary out, but I would like to get some sleep.

“You can crash on the couch,” Tommi suddenly suggests, addressing Gary.

My head jerks up to find out about Gary’s reaction to that invitation. Gary merely nods and that’s about it. Gary *is* a strange character and I wonder if the mellowness is just a front or if that’s his real nature.

“We should get some sleep,” Tommi says when neither Gary nor I speak up. “I’m heading home… You two get some sleep, and Jonne, don’t forget that the police will show up around noon.”

“I’ll remember,” I assure my older brother. I walk Tommi to the front door and stop him when he wants to leave. “What was that about? Inviting Gary to stay?”

“You want to get to know him, don’t you? Here’s your chance!” Tommi yawns, slips into his coat, and walks out of the door. Great, now I’m alone with Gary.

~~~

Handing Gary a pillow and comforter, I’m glad I’ve lots of them. People tend to sleep over all the time so I stocked up on them. “I hope these are fine.” I don’t know what to make of the fact that Gary is staying the night – even though he’s crashing on the couch. Tommi *is* right – I want to get to know Gary, but I didn’t have this approach in mind!

“They’ll do, thanks!” Gary puts the pillow and comforter on the couch and then watches me intently. “I’ll see you in a few hours then.”

All right, that’s him saying goodnight… I’d better leave him to his sleep then. “Yes, see you in the morning.” Bah, it is almost morning! If I don’t turn in now, I will look like hell later. I don’t do well with little sleep. “Sleep tight…” I turn around and head for my bedroom to check on Eero one last time. I need to know he’s okay. Since the door is still ajar, I peek inside. Eero’s sleep has turned restless and he pushed Eeyore out of bed. He’s tossing and turning, mumbling softly, and seems to be fighting the comforter. I guess that means that the nightmare is back.

I can very well imagine the ugly face that haunts in him those nightmares. I wouldn’t want Macceus in my dreams either. After making my way over to the bed, I sit down and stroke his brow soothingly. “Everything’s alright. You’re safe, Eero. He’s gone. He can’t hurt you anymore.” I loathe saying Macceus’ name. I want to keep him outside the room. I hoped that Eero would calm down and go back to sleep, but his eyes flash open all of a sudden and he stares at me in shock. He’s trembling and a film of cold sweat forms on his face. “Don’t be afraid. You’re safe…”

Eero however doesn’t seem to believe me and continues to thrash on the bed. I don’t have much choice but to gather him in my arms, and gently, but insistently, pull him against my chest. “You’re safe, you hear me?” Eero’s expression, which was dazed a moment ago, clears, and he finally recognizes me. “It’s alright to be scared… Nightmares can be frightening.” I don’t want him to feel embarrassed. After all, he has very good reasons to be suffering from them.

“I thought…he was back,” Eero admits in a small voice as he looks about the room to make sure Macceus isn’t near. “I’m sorry…for being…a nuisance.”

“You’re not.” I move slightly away from him so I can study his eyes. “You need time.”

Eero sags against me. He’s become a dead weight again and I carefully lower him onto his back. I don’t want to leave him alone – who knows how bad the nightmares will get. “I’ll stay close,” I announce and wave his protest away. “Don’t say a thing. It’s my decision to stay.” Eero has a guilty expression on his face, but I can also tell that he’s relieved that I’m staying. “Move a bit, will you?” My request confuses him but he does as he is told. Once I got enough space, I sit down, stretch my legs on the bed, and rest my back against the wall. “You can move closer if you want to.” I don’t want to force him into anything.

“You can’t be comfortable like that.” Eero looks at me with big eyes and I can tell that he finds it hard to believe that I’m really staying.

“You’re right.” I shift until I’m lying on my side, facing him. “That’s better.”

“I’m sorry… This is your bed and I’m…”

“Don’t worry about it!” I place a finger against his lips to stop him from speaking. “Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

“I think so.”

The expression in Eero’s eyes is hard to identify. He looks intimidated in a way, but also grateful. I feel sorry for him that he has to relive the whole ordeal tomorrow when the police will question him and hope that he’ll begin working through the trauma after that. “Now sleep.” I rest my hand close to his head and stroke the blond hair. “And have sweet dreams…”

Eero swallows hard. “I don’t think I’ll manage that.”

“Just try,” I offer and continue stroking his hair. A few minutes later, Eero’s eyes close, his breathing evens out, and he’s asleep again. It doesn’t take me long to fall asleep too as I’m exhausted.

~~~

The next morning I wake up because I feel watched. Opening my eyes, I first look at Eero, but the younger man is still asleep. So if Eero isn’t watching me, who is? I look toward the doorway and find the answer there. It’s Gary standing there and he’s smiling at me. “Morning,” I manage softly.

“Morning… I made breakfast. I hope that’s okay, me rummaging about in your kitchen?”

“If you made breakfast I’m fine with everything!” A quick look at the clock tells me that it’s eleven o’clock already and I wonder how long Gary’s been up. He looks very awake. “Let’s eat breakfast and give Eero a bit more sleep.” I will wake him in thirty minutes to get some food into him before the police shows up. Carefully, I disentangle myself from Eero and succeed in doing so without waking him up. I put Eeyore in his arms, and in his sleep, Eero pulls him closer. Smiling, I rise from the bed and join Gary.

We walk into the kitchen and I sigh contently at seeing the set table. “Thanks for doing this.”

Gary smiles back at me. “You’re welcome. I want to help and you needed the sleep.”

I nod at him. “I *was* tired. These last few days were mad!” I sit down and let Gary pamper me. He pours me tea and pushes the cornflakes toward me. I put some in a bowl, add milk and lots of sugar, and start eating. I’m still trying to figure out where I stand regarding Gary. I’m comfortable around him and he has a calming influence on me, but I still don’t know what to make of him. “Are you always this quiet?”

“You’re used to Antti talking all the time,” Gary says in an amused voice.

“That’s probably true. I wonder how the two of you became such good friends. You’re complete opposites.”

“That’s why, I guess. Antti loves to talk and I like to listen.” Gary takes hold of his mug filled with café macchiato and drinks some. “Antti’s fun to be around.”

I nod. “That’s true…” I study him while I munch on my cornflakes. “It’s strange,” I start and then pause on purpose in the hope to make him curious. It works.

“What is?”

“Usually I talk all the time as I hate silences, but with you… I feel comfortable – even when we’re not talking.” That’s a big admission for me to make, as I don’t open up easily and certainly not to people, which I don’t know that well.

“I feel comfortable around you too,” Gary says and smiles that lazy grin at me.

For some reason it makes me feel weak in the knees and I’m grateful I’m sitting down. The last person who had such an effect on me was Christus and that ended badly, so no, I’m not going there again. I’m not going to let myself fall in love with Gary –I’m not. Relationships within the band don’t work – I found that out the hard way. Having my heart broken once was enough.

“I can’t stay much longer, I’m afraid,” Gary says unexpectedly. “I have an appointment in Helsinki this evening.”

I nod. I didn’t expect him to stick around during the day. “Girlfriend?” Damn it, where did that come from? Me and my big mouth! I didn’t plan to say that! Stupid subconscious!

Gary chuckles. “No, I’m single at the moment. It’s a business thing. I’m producing a band called Monday and we need to discuss our new single.”

He’s single? Well, that’s what I wanted to know, didn’t I? But doesn’t that complicate matters even more? Gary having a girlfriend would have made things easier – then I would have been forced to keep my distance!

Gary gets to his feet and cocks his head. “I’ve got to go now, but I’ll call you.”

I nod my head. “I’ll see you around.” Gary walks over to the doorway, but before he steps into the hallway, he turns around.

“By the way, I’m more into men than women.”

Gary winks at me and suddenly he’s gone. What the hell was that about? I grow flustered and my breathing speeds up. He’s on to me, damn it!

~~~

I’m about to wake Eero and get some breakfast – or brunch is more like it – into him when my mobile phone alerts me that I have an incoming call. I pick it up and answer it. A look at the display tells me it’s Ville calling.

“Jonne!”

I smile even though Ville can’t see it. “Hello, trouble.”

“Hey, who are you calling trouble? I’m behaving, you know!”

Yes, Ville is behaving. These last three months he didn’t get drunk once and didn’t get into trouble either. He has really surprised me by cutting his hair short and taking this military thing so serious. “Are you really my little brother then?”

“Sure I am! You can’t get rid of me so easily!” Ville chuckles. “So how are things at home? Is Tommi driving you crazy? How are things working out with Gary?”

“Ville, before we get into that, there’s something I need to tell you.” I make sure the kitchen door is closed, as I don’t want Eero to overhear our conversation.

“You sound so serious all of a sudden,” says Ville in a worried voice.

“It *is* serious, Ville.” I sit down at the kitchen table and draw in a deep breath. “Something happened to Eero.”

“Eero?”

I can tell by Ville’s tone that hearing from his friend was the last thing he expected. “Yes, Eero. You lost touch when you went to the army, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did… I really feel guilty about not telling him, but it was hard to get a hold of him! He was always hanging out with that Macceus dude and I didn’t like him much… So I took the easy way out… So, what did you find out? The last thing I heard is that he disappeared after that Black Jezus gig.”

“You were right not to like Macceus. Turns out that he didn’t just cause Christus’ downfall but messed Eero up too.”

“What do you mean by that? In what way? What did he do to Eero?”

Ville sounds agitated and I don’t blame him. They were best friends until Macceus got involved three months ago. “Basically he kept Eero locked up in his apartment and used him as a punching bag.”

Ville gasps. “He did what?”

“Macceus moved into the apartment next to mine. Some nights ago we heard crying and the doors were banging.”

“Who are we?” Ville wants to know.

“Tommi and me… So the next morning I decided to check on them. You know me, I need to know what’s going on and Eero answered the door. He looked bad. His face was black and blue and the bruises still haven’t faded completely. He carried away some other injuries too and Macceus apparently fed him tranquilizers to keep him docile.”

“I knew Macceus was bad news, but I didn’t think he was capable of anything like that!”

“I guess it has to do with the drug excesses. They found heroin and other substances in the apartment.”

“Did Eero do heroin?” Ville asks and sucks in his breath.

“No, he didn’t… I think he wanted out for a long time, but he says he has no place to go. Doesn’t he have a family?”

“None that I know of… He grew up in shelters and a few foster families tried to adopt him, but he never fit in and was always returned to the home.”

Ah, that explains some of his behavior, I guess. “Ville, he needs you. I’m doing my best, but I’m a stranger.”

“Originally I wanted to sleep late on Saturday morning. I don’t mind being in the army, I even like it here, but getting up at six is killing me!”

I chuckle softly. Ville is no early riser and most certainly not a morning person. I feel sorry for the people who share bunks with him. “And now?”

“I’ll take the last train home this evening. Expect me to show up sometime tonight.”

“Tommi can pick you up at the train station,” I offer.

“Don’t worry about it. I can manage and I’d rather have someone stay with Eero all the time. You need to keep an eye on him. He’s unpredictable at times.”

“Ville, I’m glad you’re coming home… I don’t know what to do about him.”

“That’s okay, Jonne. Eero is…complicated, but don’t let him fool you. Deep down he needs love as much as you and I do. He just finds it hard to show or express his feelings in general. He never learned how to do that.”

“I’ll keep that mind… See you tonight then… Love you.”

“Love you too, bye, Jonne!”

I put my mobile phone onto the kitchen table and turn around. I walk toward my bedroom, push the door open, and study Eero who’s still asleep. He looks very young, even younger than Ville and the things my younger brother told me just now make me realize that Eero had a tough childhood too. Growing up at a shelter is hard, but being passed on from one foster family to the next, and never finding a home with them, must be even harder. Sighing, I make my way over to the bed. I should wake Eero, as I don’t want him to find himself facing some police officers unexpectedly.

“Eero, it’s time to wake up and eat.” Gently, I stroke his brow, hoping the touch is enough to pull his from his dreams. A moment later, Eero opens his eyes and I still see remnants of fear in them. The swelling is going down, but the bruising will remain a few more days. I should call the doctor and ask him to check on Eero one of these days. “It’s eleven o’clock. You need to eat and drink something and wake up before the police get here.”

Eero’s expression darkens and I understand why. Talking to the police is the last thing he wants to do. “I’m sorry, but you have to do this.”

“I’ll survive…” Eero turns his head away from me, discovers he’s hugging Eeyore, and pushes him out of the bed. I don’t comment on that action, realizing he’s having a hard time as it is. “What would you like for breakfast? Toast? Scrambled eggs? Porridge? Coffee or tea or do you rather have orange juice instead?”

“I don’t care… I’m not hungry.”

Eero refuses to meet my gaze, but the growling coming from his stomach tells me he’s lying. “You’re eating something and that’s it. I’m going to get you something.” Ville *is* right: Eero is complicated and I can’t wait for my younger brother to get here and take care of Eero.

~~~

Eero eats a slice of toast topped with jam and even drinks some tea. I didn’t think he would, but my silent glare must have worked. It also always does wonders when Ville challenges me. “Are you sure you don’t want another slice?”

“I’m sure!”

Eero glares at me, but I see fear and frustration beneath the anger. It’s a front. Suddenly the doorbell sounds: that must be the police. “You can do this. Just tell them the truth.” Eero’s expression has changed again and now naked fear stares back at me. “You can do this!” I squeeze his fingers briefly and then answer the door.

It’s the police alright, and if I’m not mistaken it’s the same two officers that got Eero out that night. “He’s not doing well at the moment and I have confined him to bed. Please be careful when you question him.” One of the officers nods and I show them to the bedroom. Eero looks like he’s about to run, but knows he’s stuck. “I can stay,” I tell him, hoping it will help him calm down, but Eero’s reaction stuns me. He seems frightened and looks like he’s about to become hysteric.

“No, please… I don’t want you to hear…that…” Eero averts his gaze and pulls his knees against his chest as he curls up on the bed.

I have no choice but to respect his decision. “I’m in the kitchen,” I tell the police officers before leaving the three of them alone. I’m not looking forward to dealing with Eero once they’re through questioning him. I’ve got the feeling I’ll have a real mess on my hands by then.

~~~

The two officers don’t mention their conversation with Eero on their way out. I know that they can’t talk about it and I respect that, but I really want to know what Eero told them. I hope it was the truth. “So, this is it? Eero won’t be interrogated again?”

“We got the information we need. He might be called upon to testify later, but I don’t think that’s necessary. We have enough evidence and we witnessed the assault ourselves.”

“That’s good,” I mutter, “We don’t need any complications. Where’s Macceus now?” I’m not sure they’ll tell me, but I can try, can’t I?

“At the moment he’s behind bars. We’re keeping him there until we finish the investigation. He can get out on bail for five thousand euro, but until now, no one offered to pay that amount.”

That’s great news. “Keep him there as long as you can!” I walk them to the door, let them out, and then draw in a deep breath before stepping into the bedroom again.

TBC

Part 4

I catch the footfalls near the doorway and angrily wipe at my tears. I don’t want Jonne to see me cry. It’s bad enough that he thinks me weak and worthless and I gather my remaining strength to meet his gaze after drying my eyes. I hate seeing the pity in his eyes. I don’t deserve it. Jonne approaches the bed and sits down, way too close for my liking and I inch away from him.

“The police think that this is it. They have the information they need and you can start working through everything,” Jonne offers.

I glare at him. Working through it? Again? Why would I want to do that? Isn’t it the story of my life? Just use Eero as your personal punching bag. Only a fool would think that it could ever change! Jonne cocks his head and gives me a questioning look, but why? I didn’t say that aloud, or did I?

“Do you want to tell me something?” Jonne asks softly.

“No! I want you to leave me alone! Just go away! Or kick me out! I don’t care!” My frustration rises and my feelings of helplessness drive me into darkness even deeper.

“No one’s kicking you out. You’re staying.”

I expect Jonne to finally tire of me, but he remains patient, damn it. “Why don’t you yell at me too? Kick me? Punch me in the face? I’m used to it! I can take it!” I’m losing control and I have to compose myself again or else I will end up in a million pieces, and I’ll never able to assemble myself again. It’s too much – everything’s too much.

My tantrum doesn’t seem to faze Jonne, which amazes me. How can he remain so calm and in control with a lunatic like me screaming at him? I don’t expect him to pull me close and am therefore stunned when he does. I don’t fight him – I just turn motionless in the embrace, as I don’t know how to react.

“No one is going to yell at you or hurt you. Those days are over.”

Jonne’s calm voice manages to get through to me and my rage leaves me. I end up shaking like a leaf and I’m tempted to cling to him, but I don’t. The most important lesson I learned in life is that people will turn on you. The only person who ever gained my trust was Ville, but he left too.

“I’m most certainly not kicking you out, Eero. You can stay as long as you want, and once you’re ready to move out, we’ll find you a place to live.”

“And how do you think am I going to pay for it?” My anger is back, but something stops me from breaking the hug. A part of me likes being enveloped like that.

“You can go back to studying and we’ll find you a job. I’m sure we’ll manage.”

Jonne’s confidence and the fact that he’s soothingly rubbing my back render me speechless. Why does he have such trust in me? Why is he helping me? Why?

“I talked to Ville earlier today. He was worried when he learned that you’re in trouble.”

Jonne’s words alarm me and involuntarily I make eye contact. “What did you tell him?”

“The truth of course.”

Of course… I blink. So Ville knows what I let Macceus do to me? Great, now Ville doesn’t want anything to do with me either. “Why did you do that? Do you hate me?”

Jonne blinks in surprise. “I don’t hate you! But I can’t lie to Ville and it wouldn’t help you. Now that Ville knows, he can help you.”

“I don’t want his help! I don’t need it!” I push Jonne away and the fact that I’m able to do so amazes me. I must be really angry.

“You have to let someone in eventually, Eero. Otherwise you’ll be very lonely.”

“Get out… Get the fuck out!” I hiss the words at him and stare at him in horror. “You know nothing about me! I don’t need people! I manage on my own.”

Jonne sighs, but doesn’t move away. He stays put, much to my frustration. What do I have to do to chase him away?

“I’m not going to argue with you, Eero.”

Jonne’s expression, which I expected to harden, unexpectedly softens, confusing me even more.

“What about a bath? It might help you relax and you still have dried blood clinging to you.”

A bath? I stare at Jonne and blink. A bath? A fucking bath? I told him to get lost, that I don’t need him or his brother, and he suggests I take a bath so I will relax?

“I’ll take that as a yes… I’ll fill up the bathtub and then fetch you. Try to calm down… I know that you’re not angry with me, and that the frustration needs out, but all that adrenaline surging through your body will only make you feel worse.” Jonne gets up and leaves the room.

I stay behind in shock. What did he say? I bow my head, and now that my anger is disappearing, I realize he’s right, but that doesn’t make things easier. I refuse to trust him. I don’t trust anyone – not even me – not anymore.

~~~

Jonne returns a few minutes later and he looks calm – maybe he needed a moment alone to compose himself. I tend to bring out the worst in people, ever since I was a child. Back then, I didn’t do it on purpose. I just lacked the necessary social skills. These days, it’s become second nature to me. “I’m sorry,” I offer, as I do feel bad for yelling at him. “You didn’t deserve that.” Jonne smiles at me and I can tell the emotion is genuine. My apology pleases him and I don’t think he’s very mad with me. “I don’t do it on purpose… I’m just a bad person and…”

“You’re not!” Jonne covers the distance to the bed with a few steps and squats next to it. “You’re not… Stop thinking that.”

I swallow nervously, but don’t nod. No matter what Jonne says, I know I’m a failure.

“Let’s get you into the bathtub,” Jonne announces. “Do you think you can make it there on your own?”

This time I do nod. “I can do that.” I don’t need him to help me as I’ve regained some of my strength. I push back the comforter, place my feet on the floor, and rise from the bed. I’m relieved to find that some aches have lessened and others have gone away. The one thing that hasn’t gone away is the vertigo though. Great, now the headache is back too.

“I’ve got you… Still a bit dizzy?” Jonne asks as he wraps an arm around my waist.

I’m tempted to push him away, but I don’t want to fall flat on my face again. My head still hurts too much for that. Jonne doesn’t seem to mind not getting an answer and guides me into the bathroom. The bathtub has filled up nicely and a million foam bubbles flow on the surface.

“I hope you don’t mind… But foam’s so much fun to play with.”

Looking at Jonne, and seeing him smile again, I wonder how anyone cannot like him. He’s a nice guy and he’s going through way too many trouble looking after me.

“Let’s remove the shirt and boxers,” Jonne announces and I let him. I lean against the tiled wall while he helps me undress.

“You really need to start eating,” Jonne says thoughtfully. “I’m skinny, but you’re…”

I know I’m underweight. I didn’t use to be like that, but food was sparse these last three months as Macceus blew his money on drugs. Jonne helps me into the tub and I slide into the water. Involuntarily I close my eyes and savor the warm water cradling me. For some reason I feel safe.

“I’ll check on you in ten minutes and we’ll wash your hair. Enjoy the soak for now.”

I briefly open my eyes, focus on Jonne, and whisper a thank you. He smiles at me, nods, and leaves the bathroom to give me some privacy.

~~~

I’m doing my best to fight my tears. I don’t want them to fall, but I feel so relaxed and safe that my body and mind decide that it’s time for me to face my emotions. “No, I’m stronger than that,” I hiss in anger and wipe at my eyes. I’m not going to cry!

The door opens and I’m prepared to face Jonne when he steps inside. I’m not going to cry – ever! Jonne gives me a look that balances between affection and frustration. He’s not the first person to give me that look. A lot of social workers and foster parents looked at me in the same way. “I can manage on my own!” I can wash my hair myself and I don’t need Jonne for that!

Jonne sits on the rim of the bathtub and watches me struggle with the shampoo bottle. I would have been able to do this myself if my sprained wrist wouldn’t hamper me. When is that stupid limb going to heal? In the end, I give up.

Wordlessly, Jonne takes hold of the bottle, squeezes some shampoo into the palm of his hand, and moves closer. I nod at seeing the questioning look in his eyes. I bear his touch when he washes and rinses my hair. The bath water turns a brownish-red and I’m surprised to see how much dirt and dried blood clung to my hair.

“All done. Now let’s get you out.” Jonne reaches for a towel and wraps it around my hair to keep it from dripping. “Can you get to your feet?”

I rise from the water and stand there with a bowed head. I don’t care that he sees me naked – I just feel angry and embarrassed that I can’t do this myself. Jonne quickly dries my skin and I avoid looking at the numerous bruises that color my skin. Eventually Jonne drapes a towel around my shoulders and helps me step out the tube. He pulls the plug and guides me back into the bedroom.

“Don’t make yourself too comfortable,” Jonne says.

His words startle me. What does he mean by that? Is he kicking me out after all? I knew he would. In the end, everyone tires of me.

“Let’s put you in some comfortable sweats and move into the living room. We can watch some television or play a game, if you want to.”

Quickly, I lower my gaze again. So that why Jonne said I shouldn’t get too comfortable. He’s not kicking me out.

“These should fit.” Jonne selects white sweat pants and a turquoise colored T-shirt.

After slipping into some boxers, I put those clothes on as well. I’m confused and don’t know what to make of Jonne’s actions. Does he really care about me? That can’t be, can it?

“Socks too! I don’t want you to end up with cold feet! I hate it when that happens to me!”

I slip into the socks too and raise my gaze so I can study Jonne’s face. I doubt those eyes can hide much. He looks at me with such openness that it makes me choke up.

“You don’t need that towel anymore.”

Jonne removes the towel from around my head and finger combs the strands. Feeling his fingers move through my hair is the strangest feeling ever.

“Don’t look so sad,” Jonne says and smiles. “Things will get better.”

I don’t know why, but for some reason I believe him.

~~~

I end up huddled on the couch in the living room. Jonne draped a blanket over me to make sure I’m not cold, but it’s not that cold to begin with. The sun is setting, as much as it sets during summer, and for the first time in a very long time, I wish I could have gone outside to feel the rays on my skin. Suddenly the couch dips and Jonne settles down next to me. He has a big smirk on his face and I wonder why.

“Do you like Chinese food?”

I nod. Food is food. I’m not picky.

“Great, then I’ll order some!” Jonne grabs his mobile phone and starts talking. I pay him no attention – my thoughts have drifted off in a different direction and I don’t like it.

“You’re looking worried again.” Jonne puts down his phone and gives me an expectant look. “What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

I can’t believe it, but I’m actually considering confiding in Jonne. Somehow, he got through my defenses and I’m starting to trust him. “My stuff is still next doors.”

“Ah,” escapes Jonne. “We can get it, if you want to.”

I shake my head and push deeper into the back of the couch. “I don’t want to go inside ever again.”

“I understand that, I really do… I’ll ask Tommi or Ville when he gets here, to get your stuff out.”

“Thanks…” I look away again and stare at the wall. It’s just a wall, but it separates my life here from the one I lived with Macceus in the apartment next door. Jonne switches on the television and flips channels. I watch the screen with my good eye and wonder how long it will take the other to heal properly.

“By the way, I asked the doctor to drop by tomorrow so he can check on you,” Jonne says. “I hope that’s okay.”

“I don’t care…” It’s not the truth though – in my heart, I’m grateful that Jonne made that arrangement. Macceus messed me up pretty bad and I need the medical attention. Jonne doesn’t comment on my remark, at least not verbally, but suddenly he wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me against him. I consider objecting to the move, but to be honest, I like the contact. It reminds me that I’m not alone.

Gingerly I rest my upper body against Jonne’s. The bath tired me and before long, my head comes to rest on Jonne’s shoulder. Already half asleep, I cuddle up to him and then drift off into dreams.

~~~

I fell asleep after eating dinner, but now I stir in my sleep because I hear voices. They aren’t exactly close, so I can’t make out any words, but I recognize the voices after listening to them for another minute. One of those voices belongs to Jonne and the other one to Ville. I start trembling. Ville’s here. How will he react upon seeing me? Will I disgust him?

“Eero?”

I swallow hard and turn my head so I can look at Ville. The first thing I notice is the shorter and darker hair. The new hair cut suits him and makes him look older – more serious. His eyes, which used to be clouded by alcohol, are clear and a healthy tan has settled on his face. I can tell that he’s been spending time outdoors. He also looks broader, like he added some weight. Seeing Ville like that reminds me that I look the complete opposite and I lower my gaze, feeling ashamed.

“Eero, what did you do to yourself?”

Suddenly Ville’s voice sounds from much closer and another look tells me that he’s sitting on his heels in front of me. “I fucked up… Again… Nothing new really. I mess up all the time so why should this time be different?”

“Oh, Eero…”

Ville shifts onto the couch and suddenly his arms settle around me. He pulls me into an embrace and rubs my back in big circles. His lips are close to my ear when he starts whispering.

“I’m sorry that I left like that. I should have told you that I was joining the army for six months, but… It had to happen quickly. I was so close to shooting up that I had to get away as quickly as possible. I’m sorry that you got left behind.”

“It’s not your fault.” I hate the way my voice shakes. Can’t I do anything right? I want to comfort Ville, not worry him further! “I understand that you had to get away… I really do… Macceus supplied Christus with that shit too and…” Suddenly Ville’s hands settle on either side of my face and he lifts my head so I have to look at him. “It’s me… I can’t do anything right. You know that… It’s my fault that I ended up like this. I probably deserve it.”

“Stop it. You know that I don’t want to hear that.” Ville rubs my cheek with his thumb and I sigh at the touch. “Macceus is the bastard here and you… You were caught up in the middle. Don’t blame yourself. He took advantage of you, Eero.” Ville seems lost for words and shakes his head. “When will you finally start to believe that you’re precious to me? That you’re a good person. You’re not bad – not evil. You simply had lots of bad luck in your life.”

Damn it, tears sting my eyes, but I’m not going to cry. Jonne is standing in the doorway and he’s watching us. I don’t want him to see me cry – not Jonne and not Ville either. I’ve lived through this before – no need to cry!

“Eero, it’s okay to let go. You’re shaking yourself to pieces. Let it out. You don’t have to maintain this front. I know you – the real you. You can let go, Eero. I’ll catch you like I did before.”

I can’t do this anymore – can’t take the embrace or the affection in his voice. It’s killing me inside and suddenly the tears spill from my eyes. I cry in his arms and wonder if I will be able to stop crying again.

~~~

I’m awake, but I feel sluggish and can’t be bothered to open my eyes. I don’t know how long I wept, but it must have been several minutes – or maybe several hours. I lost all sense of time. I’m on the couch and cuddled up to one of the pillows. Ville tucked the blanket around my form when he left the couch, and although I’m comfortable, I miss having him close.

Staying motionless, I listen to Jonne and Ville talk. They’re in the kitchen, but I hear every word they say.

“I’m glad that you’re here, Ville, and I’m relieved that Eero finally cried. He refused to do so until now.”

“That’s the way he is, Jonne. He doesn’t trust people and expects them to turn on him. I think you did great though. From what you told me, I gather Eero has taken a liking to you and you have no idea how special that is.”

Me? Taken a liking to Jonne? Has Ville gone mad? It’s true though, I admit a moment later. I like Jonne and he might be the second person in my life that I could extend my trust too, Ville being the other one. Maybe it’s a Liimatainen thing.

“I tried to make him feel at home. I don’t know if I succeeded… Ville, can I ask you something? Why does he have such low self-esteem? He said he hates himself.”

“You know what happens when no one wants you, or never makes the effort to get to know you. We grew up at a home too, but we still had each other. Eero had no one and being handed down from one foster family to the other did little to improve his self-esteem.”

Thanks, Ville. It’s nice to hear you say that. Frustrated, I pull the blanket closer and glare at the wall.

“What do you suggest we do? You’re only here for the weekend and leave Sunday evening. What do I do, Ville?”

“So far you did everything right. I don’t think you need my advice.”

“But, Ville!”

“Jonne, I mean it. Eero is…Eero. I can’t give you any guidelines. Just be yourself. Don’t pretend: don’t act around him. Let Eero get to know you. It worked for me.”

I don’t know what to make of their conversation. Is Jonne really trying to become my friend? A real friend? I would have two then – Jonne and Ville. Chairs move about and I quickly close my eyes again, pretending to be asleep. I’m not sure I can fool Ville though.

“I know you’re awake, Eero.”

Damn –busted. I open my eyes and turn onto my other side. Ville’s sitting next to me and Jonne made himself comfortable in the recliner. Both men are watching me.

“We want to talk to you,” Ville says. “We’ve been discussing you.”

“I know that… I overheard some of your conversation.” I would have lied to Jonne about that, but I can’t lie to Ville.

Ville nods. “We’ve also been discussing you staying here and we want you to know that you can stay as long as you want.”

Beneath the blanket and hidden from view, I pinch myself. “Are you serious?” I believe Ville when he says that I can stay indefinitely. Ville never lied to me before and won’t start now.

“We’re serious,” Jonne replies in Ville’s stead.

“But what about your bedroom? I can’t keep occupying it,” I add in a small voice.

“You can move in with me, or if that won’t work out, we can move into Tommi’s apartment. His place is bigger,” Ville explains. “That is, if you don’t mind sharing a room with me.”

“Are you kidding? I’m fortunate to have a place to stay at all!” Looking at Ville, I realize I want to touch him and pull him close, but I don’t follow up on that idea. I don’t want to stain something so beautiful with my touch, but then Ville raises his hand, rests it on my brow, and his fingers rub my skin. Now he’s touching me instead. How odd is that?

“You look tired. Why don’t I move you to the bed so you’re more comfortable?” Ville doesn’t wait for me to answer and locks gazes with Jonne instead. “I’ll take him with me, that way you have your room back.” Jonne nods and the next moment Ville pushes his arms beneath my back and shoulders, lifting me. “You lost weight,” Ville remarks worried.

“And you gained some…” I rest my head against Ville’s chest and surrender to my fate.

“Some of it is even muscles,” Ville chuckles, but I can tell he’s worried that he can lift me so easily.

“I’m sorry, but I’m tired.”

“You can go to sleep in a moment. Jonne, can you open the door for me?”

Jonne opens the door and Ville carries me inside. It’s odd, but I’ve never been here before. We always met in some bar when we went out. His room is cozy and kept in soft yellow colors. “At least there’s no pink mat in here…” Ville chuckles loudly and places me on the bed.

“Don’t tell Jonne that you don’t like it… Our grandmother gave it to him as a birthday present.”

Instantly, I suffer from a guilty conscience. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Hey, there’s no reason to apologize… I hate the thing myself, but she always checks if it’s still there when she visits!” Ville sits down on the bed and removes his shoes.

“Ville…?”

“Yes?” He cocks his head and then stretches on his side next to me.

“Are you really okay with me staying here? I don’t want to be a nuisance and Jonne--” Ville interrupts me though.

“We want you here, alright? I’m not lying to you. I never did, and am not doing so now. Jonne likes you. He really does.”

I nod and inch a bit closer to Ville. “I wonder why though. There isn’t much to like about me.” I know the truth about me and it’s ugly. Ville wraps me up in an embrace and guides my head against his chest. I don’t object, savoring the contact. I *do* trust Ville and he’s the only one who can get close to me without me tensing up.

“Listen to me, Eero,” Ville says in a determined voice. “I like you a lot. Sure, you act like an asshole at times, but that’s not the real you. It’s a mask you wear to keep yourself from getting hurt and we both know it. You need to stop hiding though and to start let people in. Let Jonne get to know you… You’ll gain a good friend, trust me.”

Ville’s words cause a lump in my throat. “You’re the only one who really knows me… And I want to keep it that way. I don’t want to risk getting hurt again. Don’t you understand that? For fifteen years, they handed me around. I moved from one shelter to the next. Then a family wants to adopt me, but they decide I’m too much trouble and they dump me at the shelter again. That happened four times. I don’t want to go through that again and trusting Jonne… It scares me. He’ll dump me too.”

“Jonne doesn’t dump people; you can trust me on that.”

I close my eyes and tell myself to calm down. “It doesn’t really matter… My life’s a mess anyway. I don’t care what happens to me.”

“You do care what happens to you. And you won’t get hurt this time around. I’ll see to that, I promise… And now get some sleep, will you?” Ville tightens his embrace.

He’s right – I’m tired and I need some sleep. Maybe then, the thoughts spinning in my head will finally slow down and allow me some peace of mind.

TBC

Part 5

It’s good to have my bed back, but I also miss having Eero in here. It’s strange how quickly I became used to having him around. I change the bed linen, air the room, and slip between the covers. I don’t mind sleeping in Ville’s room, but his mattress is too soft for me. I’m about to close my eyes and drift off into sleep when my mobile phone lying on the night stand starts beeping. Whoever is calling has great timing and I’m tempted not to answer it, but then I will wonder what has happened and I won’t be able to sleep all night!

Picking up the phone, I look at the display and my eyes widen with surprise as it shows Gary’s name. Growing curious, I answer the call. “Jonne here.”

“Hello… It’s me.”

I grin. “Yes, the display told me that it was you.”

“You’re probably wondering why I’m calling so late.”

I roll my eyes. “I might be. Care to tell me?”

“I was wondering if you would like to hang out with me tomorrow, that is, if you can leave Eero alone.”

“That’s not a problem. Ville got here about an hour ago and is looking after him. Gary, what does ‘hanging out with you’ mean?”

Gary chuckles. “Let me surprise you.”

I roll my eyes again. What kind of answer is that? My curiosity however is stronger and I say, “Surprise me then.”

“Great! I’ll pick you up around four, is that okay?”

“Four is perfect.” My eagerness to see Gary again takes me by surprise and with a sad undertone I realize that I *am* falling in love, and that, after deciding that I wasn’t going to take that risk again. But I never succeeded in letting my brain rule my heart. “Just ring the doorbell.”

“I will. See you tomorrow, Jonne. Have some sweet dreams. Bye!”

I put my phone back on the nightstand and curl up beneath the comforter. I feel conflicted. I promised myself never to let myself fall for another guitarist, especially one playing in my band, but now it seems Gary has found a way into my heart after all. What do I do about that? Do I give him a chance? Do I even have a choice? My heart will do as it pleases, I know that much.

Closing my eyes, I tell myself to stop worrying. It’s not like I can control what’s happening. If I really fall in love, I have to deal with it then.

~~~

The next morning I wake up way too early, even for my taste, but I can’t go back to sleep again. My ‘date’ with Gary makes me nervous and I can’t stop thinking of the implications if we go that way. So I sneak into the kitchen and get breakfast underway. I settle down with a cup of tea at the kitchen table and watch some breakfast television.

When I check the time again, it’s ten o’clock and I wonder if I should wake Ville and Eero as the doctor will drop by at eleven. I’m about to get up from my chair and head for Ville’s room when my younger brother appears in the doorway, still wearing yesterday’s clothes and with his hair standing in all directions. I giggle.

“Don’t give me that attitude! Not first thing in the morning!” Ville collapses onto the chair next to me and looks at me with foggy eyes. “Coffee?”

I get him some. I know he needs the brew in the morning to wake up. I pour it into his mug, add a carload of sugar, and push it into his direction. “I don’t understand how you can drink that.”

“Says someone who drinks his tea with a whole jar of sugar in it!” Ville sips, sighs contently, and runs his hand through his hair. “That was quite a night.”

I don’t want to question him about it, but if he brings it up, I know he wants to talk about it. “What happened?” Ville drinks more coffee and then meets my gaze.

“You can say that he had a breakdown.” Ville reaches for the toast, puts some jam on it, and starts munching.

“How bad was it?”

“Pretty bad…” Ville empties the coffee and gets himself more of the black brew. “I wonder if I will ever get through to him. He has such a negative self-image! How can anyone think so badly about himself?”

“If he never had a family or people who loved him something like that can happen,” I offer as I sip from my tea. “Maybe living here with us will make him see that not everyone dumps him.”

Ville sighs. “That’s quite a challenge. So far, no one stuck with him. It’s the reason why Macceus got such a hold over him. Eero wants to belong. He doesn’t want to be alone, but so far, he didn’t meet any people that really care about him.”

“You care about him,” I correct Ville.

“Sure, I do, but that’s different. What Eero needs is a family.”

“A friend is a good start though.” Ville gives me a dirty look.

“Must you argue with me first thing in the morning?”

“That’s what older brothers are for,” I reply and ruffle his hair. “Damn, it’s too short to mess up!” Ville chuckles and I grin along. Movement near the doorway draws our attention away from our verbal bantering and my heart goes out to Eero, who’s standing in the doorway, looking like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to enter. “Come on, join us. What do you want? Coffee or tea?”

Eero shuffles inside, but doesn’t seem comfortable at all. I imagine he feels like he’s intruding, that he doesn’t belong here. “Sit down…” Eero looks about until Ville nods and sits down next to my younger brother. “Hey, you didn’t answer me.”

“Everything’s okay… It doesn’t matter,” Eero says as he looks everywhere except at me.

Ville and I exchange a look, and then I get up to fetch Eero some orange juice. “If it doesn’t matter, you can drink something healthy.” Eero still isn’t looking at me and I wonder what happened last night. What exactly entailed that mental breakdown? “Are you hungry?” Argh, why do I bother asking? Eero shakes his head of course, but at the same time his stomach growls. “I’ll get you something.”

While I busy myself making toast, I look at the two of them from over my shoulder. Eero has finally made eye contact with Ville and my younger brother keeps nodding encouragingly at him. I wonder what it’s all about. “Here, you liked toast with marmalade yesterday.”

“Thank you,” Eero says in a tiny voice. He nibbles on the toast, but isn’t eating with relish.

“The doctor will show up in half an hour. I don’t think the consultation will last long though,” I inform them. Eero merely shrugs and seems to shrink into himself. I look at Ville for answers, but my brother seems at a loss too.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Ville moves his chair closer to Eero’s and gathers his hands in his. “Talk to me, Eero.”

Eero however, casts a cautious look at me and then lowers his gaze again. Hello, what did I do to upset him?

“Eero? Come on, you’re among friends.” Ville pulls Eero onto his lap and for one moment, Eero seems to object, but then he raises his head and makes eye contact with me.

“I owe you an apology,” Eero whispers, addressing me.

“Hah? And why is that?” I’m mystified.

Eero shrugs. “I know that I’m not easy to be around… I always push people’s buttons and bring out the worst in them. I don’t do it on purpose. It’s just who I am. I don’t know how to act different.”

Ville’s eyes widen in admiration and I can tell that he didn’t expect Eero to open up to me. My brother wraps Eero up in an embrace and hugs him close.

“I guess that answers it,” I chuckle softly. Frowning deeply, Eero turns his head to look at me. I don’t want to confuse him further and explain my remark to him. “If Ville wasn’t hugging you right now, I would. Eero, I don’t blame you for anything. You just need time.”

“Thanks… I don’t deserve that, but thanks.” Eero leans heavily against Ville and his eyes close. His breathing slows down and he starts to snore softly.

“Did he really fall asleep?” I look toward Ville for an answer.

“He didn’t sleep much, Jonne. He’s been tossing and turning all night, trying to make up his mind if he should give you a chance or not. He’s scared… Scared of being hurt again. I hoped he would trust you, but I wasn’t sure he was ready to take that step. I’m proud of him.” Ville presses a kiss onto Eero’s hair.

“You have to wake him in a bit though… He should be awake when the doctor’s here.”

Ville nods. “Jonne, we can’t let him down, do you understand? If we fail him we will lose him and I’m afraid Eero will lose all hope.”

“We’ll manage,” I assure Ville. “We’ll find a way.”

~~~

“Are you sure that you can cope without me?” It’s almost four o’clock and Gary can show up any moment now. I don’t feel comfortable though leaving Eero and Ville. The doctor’s visit left Eero in bad spirits as his recovery is going too slowly for his taste, and now that he has been ordered to rest for a few more days, he’s sulking.

“Trust me, I can handle Eero,” Ville says as he walks me to the front door. “I know how to draw him from his bad mood.”

“I hope so… I’ll call if it gets really late.” It would help if I knew what Gary had planned for the day, but he refused to tell me. “And call me if you need help with Eero!”

“I’ll keep him busy, don’t worry.”

Ville retrieved some of Eero’s belongings from the apartment next doors and they have been storing them away in his closet. It distracts Eero and I hope Ville knows more ways to draw Eero from his blue funk. I’m about to assure Ville again that he can call me at all times, when the doorbell suddenly sounds.

“That’s Gary. Now don’t keep him waiting! Get moving!”

Ville acts without giving me a chance to reconsider and simply shoves me into the corridor. He slams the door in my face and I have no choice but to ride down the elevator. When I get out, Gary’s already standing there, waiting for me. He looks different, dressed in black and his jeans even have slits in them. Is it a bad thing that I want to pull at the thread to make those holes even bigger?

“Ah, there you are. I got worried when you didn’t reply.”

Great, what am I supposed to say about that? I can’t tell Gary that Ville shoved me out of the door, or that I was in a hurry to get downstairs. Both explanations would make the wrong impression. “I forgot…” I reply instead, hoping Gary will let me get away with it.

“That’s okay,” Gary says and takes my hand in his. “We can leave right away if you want to.”

“And go where?” I’m extremely aware of the feel of his fingers curled around my hand. His fingers feel warm and I twine mine with his, which renders me a blinding smile. Feeling weak in the knees, I follow him outside and am relieved when I sit on the passenger’s seat.

“A friend of mine told me about this spot near the lake… He even gave me directions,” Gary says as he starts the engine. “And just in case you might get hungry, I packed lunch.”

Looking at the backseat, I see the picnic basket and… “You brought along a guitar?” It’s an acoustic guitar.

“I thought we could jam a bit… See if we manage to write something. I really want to know if we mesh – musically as well as…personally.”

I nod. That has been on my mind too. If Gary’s to be a permanent band member it would be good to know what kind of music he writes and if we can compromise. It’s part of getting to know each other and I like the idea of a picnic especially as it’s such a warm and sunny day.

~~~

“It’s really nice out here.” Gary found us the perfect spot, and as a bonus, it’s shaded. I’m glad I don’t have to be out in the sun all the time. I was sunburned too often.

“I’m glad you like it.” Gary puts a blanket onto the grass and removes the food and drinks from the picnic basket. “I hope you like strawberries… They’re in season.”

I rest my back against a tree trunk and enjoy the peace and quiet out here. The sun casts a shimmer onto the lake and for the first time in weeks, I feel at peace. Suddenly a strawberry appears in my direct view and then Gary, who’s grinning at me.

“Open up then,” Gary says teasingly and I obey most willingly.

Gary deposits the strawberry into my mouth and I munch on it, relishing the taste. I watch him closely and realize he too feels at ease out here. He reaches for his guitar, settles it on his knee, and plays a melody, which I don’t know. I like the sound of it though. I never expected our ‘date’ to turn out like this – Gary surprised me – in a good way. It also encourages me to address our situation, which I hadn’t thought I would feel comfortable doing. “Gary, I think we need to talk about what’s happening.”

Gary doesn’t stop playing as he asks, “What’s happening?”

I bite my bottom lip, as I feel a bit frustrated because of that answer. “Well, this!” Gary puts his guitar away, shifts until he’s sitting opposite me, and gives me his undivided attention. Is he really going to let me do all the talking?

“Jonne…” Gary starts and then pauses to gather my hands in his. “You feel it too, don’t you? This pull?”

Relieved, I nod my head. “I don’t know what to do about it though.” At hearing that, Gary flashes me a confused look.

“I know what to do about it…”

“You do?” I’m still biting my bottom lip. “And what’s that?”

“Date you… Like I’m doing right now.”

Is it that simple for him? “Gary, you don’t understand…”

“You’re afraid that I’ll break your heart like Christus did.”

I stare at Gary for a long moment and then look away. He managed to get it one go.

“Jonne…”

Suddenly Gary’s hands settle against either side of my head and he turns me toward him. I meet his gaze and am amazed to find just how gentle and soft the expression in his eyes is. I can’t look away and feel mesmerized. It doesn’t help that his fingertips caress my skin and I cock my head so I can lean into the touch.

“I’m not Christus, Jonne. I’m me and I’m different. I’ll never hurt you on purpose.”

I closed my eyes when Gary started talking, but now I open them to search his gaze. He’s honest and serious. He means it. “I’m still scared.”

“You don’t have to be scared. Everything’s different. Don’t you feel it?”

I do feel it and that’s part of what scares me. “Gary, if we do this, then… You do realize that everything will change?”

Gary cocks his head. “And why is that a bad thing? Change can be good, Jonne.”

I chuckle. “It’s hard to argue with you.”

“Then don’t. I can think of something way more pleasurable to do than argue,” he says and gives me such an adoring look that I have to close my eyes. “Like kissing.”

I draw in a deep breath, open my eyes again, and moisten my lips. I want to kiss him too, but… Doing so makes it final. Once we kissed, there’s no way back.

“Don’t be scared… I won’t hurt you,” Gary whispers and cocks his head.

I know he’s not going to kiss me. He’s leaving that decision up to me and I don’t know what to do. Do I take the risk? Do I put my heart back on the line?

“Jonne, take a chance…”

Sighing, I slide my hand into his hair and move closer until my lips press against his. Gary closes his eyes and his arms slip around me in a loose hug. The sun baths us in a golden light and I feel warm and tingly all over. Moving closer still, I tilt my head and part my lips, inviting Gary to taste more of me in case he wants to. Slowly, his tongue slips into my mouth, and although the kiss deepens, it remains sweet and surprisingly innocent in a way.

A minute later, Gary draws away and smiles at me. He looks like he’s about to purr. “How long have you wanted to do that?” I want to know.

“For some weeks now, but I didn’t want to rush things. We both needed time – you more than me.”

“What’s going to happen now?” I lean against him and savor the way he tightens his hold on me.

“We’ll probably kiss some more, eat strawberries, scare the birds away with our singing and then I’ll drive you home.”

Gary’s reply makes me chuckle. “That’s not what I meant!”

“I know that, but… I have no idea what will happen next. Let’s take everything nice and slow. We’re in no hurry.”

Hearing that reassures me. “I need that. I need time to get used to this.”

“I understand that… Now, are you ready for another strawberry?”

I nod and smile at him. Maybe entrusting my heart to Gary isn’t such a big risk after all.

~~~

Gary turns out to be quite the gentleman. “You don’t have to walk me to the front door! I can manage!” Secretly I relish the attention though.

“Ah let me! Then I don’t have to say goodbye just yet.”

Gary took hold of my hand the moment we left his car and refuses to return it to me. Well, I don’t mind. *He* is the one with the problem when he wants to drive back to Helsinki because I might not be inclined to release his hand later. “Do you have to say goodbye?”

“I’m afraid I must… I have another meeting tomorrow, but Negative’s rehearsing on Monday, so you will see me then.”

I come to a stop in front of the door to my apartment and wrap my arms around Gary. “I don’t want you to go.”

“Miss me already?” Gary chuckles and runs his hand through my hair. I like that. “Well, if I can manage I might show up late Sunday evening.”

“I wouldn’t mind one bit.” I pull him in for a last kiss and press tightly against him. “Drive carefully.”

“I always do.”

I believe him and force myself to let go of his hand. “I’ll see you Sunday evening then.”

“I’ll do my best…” Gary raises his hand, waves at me, and then disappears into the elevator.

I turn around, uncover my key from the depths of my pocket, and unlock the door, wondering what state Eero will be in upon my return.

TBC

Part 6

I cast a quick look at Ville, who’s putting pans and pots on the stove. He has this crazy idea that I should eat something and is now determined to cook pasta. I told him not to trouble himself in that way, but Ville waved my objection away.

“Eero, the water is in the pot and ready to start boiling. Which vegetables do you want to go into the sauce?”

Ville gives me an expectant look and I feel at a loss. I’m about to tell him that I don’t care, but the expression in his eyes tells me that he won’t settle for such an answer. “What do you have?” Ville smiles at me and gestures for me to join him in front of the fridge.

“Do you like peppers? Tomatoes? Olives? Baby carrots?”

“What kind of sauce is that going to be if you put all that in it?” I stare at Ville in wonder.

Ville chuckles. “Just the peppers and tomatoes then?”

“Sounds good.” I always surprise myself when I’m around Ville. I change in a way. The gloomy and bad-assed Eero goes away and a mellower person steps up in his place. Maybe it’s because I trust Ville and let me guard down around him.

“I’ll slice them and you keep an eye on the water. Tell me when it gets to the boil.” Ville takes the tomatoes and peppers, a knife, and a cutting board with him and prepares the vegetables.

In the back, music coming from the radio makes sure that there are no awkward silences and I start humming along with it. Ville hears it, looks at me, and smiles. I grow flustered at seeing that smile. What is Ville doing to me? Why am I acting in this way? Seeing the water come to the boil, I tell Ville so.

“Great…What do you like best, spaghetti or macaroni?”

Ville gives me another expectant look and I give in. “Spaghetti.”

“Spaghetti it is!” Ville removes the package from the cupboard and empties it into the water.

“Just how many people do you intend to feed with that?” That serves four at the least!

“I’m hungry too!”

Jonne’s voice startles me for one moment. I didn’t hear him enter the kitchen as I was too focused on Ville. Although I know that Jonne is a friend, I don’t feel that much at ease anymore.

“You’re back early,” Ville remarks as he puts the sliced peppers into the pan. “Did something go wrong? It’s only eight.”

“No, Gary just needs to get back to Helsinki. He has some meeting tomorrow, but he promised to be back tomorrow evening. Ville, are you really cooking?”

Ville shrugs. “Don’t laugh at me, but I like to cook! I didn’t know it myself, but last week I had kitchen duty and I liked it.”

I feel a bit left out and stay quiet. There’s nothing valuable I can contribute to their conversation and busy myself stirring the spaghetti to make sure they don’t stick to the bottom. My sprained wrist is still giving me trouble though. The doctor checked it and renewed the bandages. He also told me that I need to rest it a few more days, but I want to help and stirring is no big deal.

Jonne rummages through the cupboards and sets the table for three. I watch him and wonder about the expression in his eyes. He looks so damn happy, and all that because of his ‘date’ with Gary? I put down the spoon I stirred with and stare at the boiling water. I’ve never been in love – basically because I wouldn’t allow myself. It’s hard to love if you don’t trust people – if you can’t let them in. I’ve never had a lover therefore, or even a one-night-stand like many of my friends. Letting another person get that close to me scares me.

“Everything alright?”

Suddenly Ville’s standing behind me and whispering in my ear. He buries me in a hug and I realize that Ville is the first and so far only person I’ve let in. I’m okay with him being close, with him touching me. That raises a question, which I’ve successfully suppressed so far: do I have feelings for Ville? Romantic feelings? Do I love him on some subconscious level? Is that the reason why he gained my trust? I’m not good at interpreting my feelings. Most of the time, I don’t understand them at all.

“Eero?”

Ville’s embrace tightens, showing me he’s worried. I don’t want him to worry, so I raise my head, turn it a little, and smile at him. Wow, I actually managed a smile and I instantly grow flustered. I can’t be in love with Ville…can I?

“Is that really a smile?” Ville asks softly and I instantly avert my gaze. “Oh yes, it definitely was a smile!” Suddenly he presses a kiss onto my hair and I draw in my breath in surprise. “You should smile more often, Eero.”

Ville releases me, but only reluctantly, and returns to stirring his sauce. Chuckles reach my ear and turning around, I find Jonne laughing softly. His reaction confuses me, but doesn’t anger me like it would have a few days ago. Somehow, Jonne and Ville succeeded in making me feel a part of them and I wonder how they did that.

The timer goes off, telling me that the spaghetti is done and should be drained. I don’t give it much thought and take hold of the kettle. I move it away from the fire and want to lift it, so I can drain the spaghetti, when my wrist decides it can’t deal with the weight. I lose my grip, the kettle slips, and crashes onto the floor with a loud bang, spreading the spaghetti all over. “Fuck!”

“Eero, did you hurt yourself?” Ville deserts the sauce and rushes over to me and even Jonne jumps up from his chair.

I stare at the mess I made and a voice inside my head tells me that I did it again. I fucked up again! I can’t do anything right! I never could! I always fuck up and then my foster parents, the social workers, or Macceus would let me have it. These days, they don’t have to yell at me to make me feel bad, I do that myself. “You little shit… Can’t do anyone right, can you!?” I bang my bandaged wrist against the kitchen cupboard, at least that is my intention, but Ville catches it and stops me before I can hurt myself.

“Eero, don’t…” Ville guides my injured hand against his chest and pulls me close. “It was an accident.”

“That doesn’t matter! I fucked up! I told you that I can’t do anything right! Why are you wasting your time with me? Just kick me out!” My feelings get the better of me and tears roll down my face. I don’t know what I feel. It’s shame, guilt, anger, and need all rolled into one. “I know I’m worthless!”

“No, you’re not. Your sprained wrist just couldn’t take the load and gave out on you. That’s all,” Ville says in a calm and soothing voice.

“I… I…” I don’t know what to say. I expect them to lash out at me and yell at me for making a mess and now Ville is hugging me and rubbing my back instead.

“Did you burn yourself?” Jonne asks as he joins us.

Jonne’s hand settles on my shoulder and gently rubs the skin there. I blink dazedly. They’re comforting me instead of yelling at me.

“Jonne’s right… Did you burn yourself? That water was awfully hot.”

Ville pulls away from me and examines my arm. I don’t think I was burned. I don’t feel anything right now, but it might hurt later.

“The bandage is soaked though… Let’s renew it…” Ville mutters beneath his breath.

Ville guides me over to the kitchen table while Jonne puts on new water to make spaghetti a second time. I’m to blame for that! My self-hate however doesn’t get a chance to get a hold of me again, as Ville’s gentle touch distracts me. I didn’t even realize I’m sitting down, but I do, and Ville’s removing the bandage. I can’t stop looking at him – he looks worried.

“I think you got away easy… The water didn’t burn you…” Ville remarks after examining my arm. “Do me a favor and be more careful in the future? I don’t want you injured more than you already are.” Ville looks at me, realizes I’m watching him already, and smiles at me.

“Why aren’t you mad?” I want to know.

“Why would I be mad? It was an accident.”

I blink, feeling very confused. “Usually people scream at me when I mess up like that.”

“You didn’t mess up,” Jonne says as he turns toward me. “And there will be no yelling.”

I frown deeply. “It’s okay then? You’re not angry with me?”

“We’re not. But we’re worried that you hurt yourself.” Ville gets the first aid kit, renews the bandage, and then moves closer again.

Something like this never happened before and I don’t know how to react. They’re not mad with me. Instead, they worry. How odd is that?

“I’ll take care of dinner,” Jonne announces. “We eat in ten minutes.”

“I’ll clean up the floor and I want you to stay put, Eero,” Ville says.

I feel guilty again, but then something happens that amazes me. Ville leans in closer and presses a soft kiss onto my lips. Staring into his blue eyes, I feel dizzy and all that because of a kiss and his proximity. If I wasn’t sure before, I’m sure now – I have feelings for Ville. I don’t know when it happened, but I fell in love with him. As Ville is waiting for me to confirm that I’ll stay put, I nod.

“Good, I just need a minute, and then I’ll be back!” Ville gets to his feet and cleans up the mess on the floor. During that time, I stare at them – Ville and Jonne – and I realize that something has changed – I’ve changed, just a tiny bit, but the change has begun. I trust them both.

~~~

I actually managed to empty my plate. I didn’t think I would be able to do that. The spaghetti tasted good though and I smile shyly at Ville. “You’re a good cook.”

At hearing that, the two brothers smile at each other and Ville says, “I’m glad you approve.”

Staring at my empty plate, I feel lost. Somehow, I feel adrift and don’t know what to say or act. I feel – different.

“I’ll put everything into the dish washer,” Jonne announces. “Why don’t you two settle on the couch? I’ll join you once I’m done.”

“That sounds like a good plan.” Ville gets to his feet.

He takes my good hand into his and pulls me along. I go willingly and settle down next to him on the couch. He instantly pulls me close and I rest my head against his chest. I close my eyes and wonder about the feeling that fills me. I feel calm and content. Am I happy to be in Ville’s arms? Is that it?

“You can nap if you want,” Ville assures me, but I don’t want to go to sleep. I want to savor this feeling. I don’t feel happy that often and I cling to the sensation.

~~~

“Open the fucking door! I know you’re in, Macceus!”

An angry voice pulls me from my sleep. I fell asleep after all. Startled, I raise my head and look questioningly at Ville. I know that voice – it’s Christus!

“I’ll deal with it,” Jonne says, but at the same time, his voice trembles.

Jonne gets up from the couch, and a moment later, Ville releases me from his hold.

“I can’t let Jonne do this,” Ville says and I nod to show that I understand.

And I can’t let Jonne and Ville do this on their own either. I finally understand what it means to support each other. Jonne and Ville supported me during this last week and I want to do something in turn.

“Are you sure about that?” Ville asks as he sees me get to my feet too.

“I’m sure…” I curl my fingers around Ville’s and we make our way into the hallway. Jonne is about to open the front door and the fingers curled around the doorknob shake fiercely. Ville once told me that Jonne and Christus were lovers in the past and I understand why this is hard on him.

Jonne opens the door and steps into the corridor. A moment later, Ville and I join him there. My gaze shifts from Jonne to Christus. He’s a mess. His eyes burn with fever and it’s obvious that he no longer cares about washing his clothes or cleaning himself up. The heroin did that to him and I know Macceus had a big part in Christus becoming addicted to it. If I hadn’t told Macceus no, I would have been in the same situation as Christus is today.

“Where’s Macceus, Jonne?” Christus glares at Jonne and I don’t see any affection in those eyes. The pupils are dilated and I wonder if he knows what he’s doing.

“He’s at the police station. He’s charged with assault and possession,” Jonne’s voice, although loud, trembles. “He can’t give you your drugs, Christus.”

“Did you call the police on him, Jonne?” Christus walks up to Jonne and towers dangerously over the blond man.

“Actually, I did,” Jonne admits and I’m surprised to see such fire in his eyes all of a sudden. “But not because he’s your dealer!”

Christus laughs loudly. “And I’m supposed to believe that? You’re jealous, aren’t you? You can’t stand it that Macceus and I am close!”

Until now, I stayed quiet and out of their confrontation, but I can’t let Jonne stand up to Christus. “He called the police because of me.” Christus stops laughing and looks at me in surprise. I doubt he registered my presence before I addressed him.

“Eero?”

“You always looked the other way as long as Macceus gave you your drugs. You could have helped me! You knew what was going on!” I go from feeling insecure to infuriated within seconds. “You knew he beat me up, but all you were interested in was getting your daily fix!”

Christus frowns, shakes his head, and for one long moment, he seems lost in thought, but then he glares at me. “You could have walked away, Eero. You choose that life style, so don’t try to make me feel guilty. It won’t work anyway.” Then Christus looks away again and starts mumbling, “I need to get my fix somewhere…” After thinking it over, he starts moving toward the elevator.

His words wound me, but at seeing the lost expression on Jonne’s face, I bite down the nasty reply I had in mind. Christus might no longer have feelings for Jonne, but Jonne still cares.

“Christus… Stay… Let me help you… This might be your last chance to get away from that shit,” Jonne begs.

Christus however merely raises an arm, shows Jonne his middle finger, and disappears into the elevator.

Jonne bows his head and wraps his arms around his upper body. I feel bad for him and act instinctively. I move toward him and slowly wrap my arms around him. I don’t know how he will react. Only one person ever accepted my embrace before and that’s Ville. The others pushed me away.

“Why won’t he listen?” Jonne asks in a pitiful voice.

I don’t have any answers for him. All I can offer him is an embrace and to my surprise, Jonne accepts it. He moves into my arms and hugs me back. For one moment, I freeze and tense up. What am I supposed to do now?

Ville suddenly embraces me from behind and manages to include Jonne as well. That answers my question then. I just hold Jonne as long as Ville holds us both.

~~~

A few minutes later, Jonne moves out of the embrace. First, Ville lets go and then I release Jonne as well. I’m at a loss – I was never in such a situation before and I don’t know what to do.

“Thanks, but I need to be alone for some time,” Jonne says without looking up. He stares at the floor instead. “I’m going for a walk.”

“Do you think that’s smart?” Ville asks in a worried voice. “Maybe it’s better if you stay with us. You always brood when you’re on your own.”

Jonne smiles sadly at us and then shakes his head. “Trust me; I know what’s best for me. I’m just going for a walk. Don’t wait up for me though. It might be a while before I’m back.”

“I’d rather have you stay with us,” Ville tries again.

“Thanks for worrying, but I need to sort out my thoughts.” Jonne places a kiss onto Ville’s check, smiles at me, and turns around. A moment later, he has disappeared from view.

“I don’t like that,” Ville whispers worriedly.

I don’t know how to help. I feel handicapped as it is. Dealing with emotions is new to me, and trying to comfort someone else a first. “If he wants to be alone then…” I don’t finish that sentence, realizing my comment might upset Ville, who didn’t want Jonne to leave.

“You’re right. He’s old enough to know what’s best for him.”

Ville curls an arm around my shoulders and guides me back into the apartment. He remains restless though, and instead of cuddling up with me on the couch, he paces the living room floor. “You want to go after him,” I remark from where I’m seated on the couch. “Then go after him.”

But Ville shakes his head. “Jonne wouldn’t like it at all.”

Growing frustrated as well, I try to think of some solution. “Maybe you can call a friend and ask him to keep an eye on Jonne?”

“He’ll bite off Larry’s head if I do that, but…” Suddenly Ville’s face lights up and a grin appears on his face. “But he won’t bite off Gary’s.”

“Are you going to call him?”

Ville nods. “Let’s hope he didn’t get far yet.” Ville grabs the phone, looks up Gary’s number and dials. He doesn’t have to wait for long for Gary to answer the call.

“Gary, it’s Ville… I need your help!”

I watch Ville during the conversation: he’s worried about Jonne.

“It’s Jonne. He took off. We ran into Christus in the corridor and they argued. Christus walked out on him and Jonne was shook up. If I go after him, he’ll get mad with me, but if you keep an eye on him, he might accept that… No, I don’t know for sure where he went, but I can give you some addresses where you might find him.” Ville’s voice sounds less agitated when he tells Gary about the places where he might find Jonne.

“And call me when you find him – especially if he’s drinking… He doesn’t drink often, but sometimes he gets wasted… Thanks Gary, I owe you.” Ville puts the phone down and sighs in relief. “Gary has agreed to look for Jonne. He’s turning around… The poor guy was already halfway to Helsinki!”

It must be great to have someone care that much about you that they desert their plans, turn around, and come looking for you. Jonne’s fortunate to have Gary – and Ville, of course.

Ville drops onto the couch next to me and stares gloomily at the wall. I want to comfort him, tell him that everything is going to be okay, but it takes a lot of courage on my part to wrap an arm around him and move closer to him. “Jonne won’t do anything stupid,” I offer at last. “And Gary will find him.”

Ville turns his head and looks at me. “I worry about him – I can’t help it. Jonne’s my brother…”

I nod. “And he’s fortunate to have you.”

Ville tilts his head. “Eero, I want you to promise me something.”

I frown and wonder what prompted this request. “Me? Why?”

“Promise me that you’ll never let anyone beat you up again. I know you grew up like that, but… Eero, it’s wrong. You deserve better.”

Ville’s words send shivers down my spine and I break eye contact. Why is he bringing this up now?

“Eero, I mean it… Look at me, will you?”

Unable to deny Ville, I raise my head. He’s giving me the most serious look ever.

“Eero, don’t think you deserve getting hit. It’s not true. I realize that you might have come to believe that, living at the shelters, and I also remember you telling me about that foster family, but…”

It was the second foster family I was sent to. My new foster father wasn’t the nice person he had pretended he was when the social worker checked him and the beatings started the first evening I was there. Thankfully, I didn’t stay there for long. Another social worker who came to check on me found out about the abuse and got me out. Ville moves closer still and his brow rests against mine now. He’s serious about this, it seems. “Ville, I… You have to understand… I don’t always have a choice.”

“But you have a choice from this moment on.”

“I do?” I blink in surprise.

“You have me now…and Jonne.” Ville raises a hand and his fingers move through my hair. “Promise me, Eero. Promise me that you won’t let anyone hit you ever again.”

“Is that really so important to you?” Ville nods. “Why?”

“Why?” Ville sounds and looks surprised. “Eero, I care about you. I want you to be happy!”

I swallow nervously as I can’t believe that I’m going to bring this up. “How much do you…care…about me, Ville?” I hold my breath, fearing Ville’s reaction to my question.

Ville however merely smiles at me. “I thought you would never catch on – or ask me that.”

“Hah?” What kind of reaction is that?

“I like you a lot, Eero, and maybe I should have told you so before, but the moment never seemed right. I was drunk most of the time and you so angry at the world. We both changed for the better, don’t you think?”

I’m still holding my breath and Ville gently pokes me in my side. Releasing it, I realize that my heart is beating a millions beats per second; at least it feels that way. “Ville…” I need to hear it, I guess.

“I’m in love with you… Have been in love with you for quite some time.”

I draw in several deep breaths, as I feel light-headed. Ville’s in love with me. “Ville, I don’t understand why you would love me. I don’t even love myself.”

“We will work on that,” Ville says and caresses my face.

My toes curl at that touch and I need a moment to catch my breath.

“And what about you? Do you have any feelings for me?” Ville asks cheekily, already knowing the answer.

I look at him and slowly nod. “I’ve never been in love before though and I don’t know… I’m confused… But I know that I really, really like you, Ville.”

“Good, that’s all I wanted to hear for now. It’ll do…”

Ville’s hand comes to rest at the nape of my neck, and he pulls me closer. He tilts his head, smiles at me, and gently presses his lips against mine. Their softness surprises me, but I manage to kiss him back. The emotions swirling inside me make it hard for me to think and when Ville’s tongue presses against my teeth, I open up and allow him inside.

TBC

Part 7

No matter how much I drink, I can’t stop thinking about Christus. I never expected him to show up like that. His presence hit me unprepared and I still shiver when I think back to the way he looked and acted. It’s sad really. I know there’s so much more to him than the drug addict he has become!

Sitting down on a bench at the Tammerkoski, I raise my vodka bottle and take another swig from it. I managed to drink a quarter of it already and I sway dangerously, even while sitting down.

My thoughts drift back to the past when Christus and I were together. We were drawn to each other right from the start, but things didn’t get serious until we recorded Sweet and Deceitful. I fell for his looks, his charisma, and his badass humor. Things were never boring when Christus was close.

But sadly enough the good times didn’t last. During the Sweet and Deceitful tour things already deteriorated. It was easier for Christus, and for the band as a whole, to get access to drugs. While Nakki and Jay refused even to touch the stuff, Larry and Christus gladly experimented. I tried cocaine once but afterwards I felt so sick that I never touched the stuff again. Occasionally I drink, and when I’m depressed I won’t pass up smoking pot, but that’s it. I refuse to do harder stuff than that.

Christus however found he had a thing for heroin. The drug pulled him away from me and the closeness we once shared vanished. I was no longer able to reach him. At one point, he agreed to do rehab and have counseling – together with Larry, but while Larry keeps seeing his therapist, Christus quit a long time ago.

Seeing Christus slip away from me and being unable to stop it really messed with me. For some time I needed counseling myself and I’m glad that Tommi stepped in and took control. Without him, I might not have made it out in one piece and Christus might have dragged me along.

I drink some more and while letting the bottle dangling from between my fingers I run my hand through my hair. I have to let Christus go. I have to accept that I can’t change the way he’s living his life. He *is* an addict and I can’t change that. I’m powerless.

Tears rise in my eyes and they spill down my cheeks. It’s not the first time I cried this evening. I just can’t seem to stop the flow. I want Christus back – the old Christus – the one I loved and who loved me. But the truth is that Christus is gone and I doubt he will ever return. I have to accept that – somehow.

“Jonne? What are you doing out here?”

An arm wraps around my shoulders and I’m pulled close. That voice sounds a lot like Gary’s, but he’s on his way to Helsinki and can’t be sitting here next to me.

“Why don’t you give me that bottle? I think you’ve had more than is good for you already.”

I blink and slowly raise my head. It *is* Gary, but how can that be? I must make a pitiful impression on him, drunk as I am.

“Ville called me,” Gary explains, “and asked me to find you.”

Ah, that explains why Gary’s here. Ville was too chicken to come after me himself and I don’t blame him. I would have kicked his ass in the mood I am in now. “And so…you turned…the car around…and drove all the way back?” My speech is slurred, but I can’t do anything about it. It always happens when I’m drunk.

“Of course I did. I care about you, remember?”

I blink again at feeling Gary’s fingers curl around mine, but it’s not my hand he’s after: it’s the bottle. I could be mean and throw a tantrum, but a part of me is embarrassed that he sees me this way. Another part feels grateful that Gary thinks me precious enough to abandon his original plans. “Did Ville tell you…why?”

“Why you’re drinking? Yes… Christus didn’t act nicely, did he?” Gary puts the bottle on the ground next to him, way out of my reach. “And that, after you offered your help again.”

I lean heavily against Gary and bury my fingers in his shirt, clinging to him. “He won’t…let me help him. I just want…the old Christus back… Do you understand? Not…as a lover, but… I miss a good friend.” Gary takes to stroking my hair and I close my eyes. I want to forget what happened earlier today.

“Some people aren’t ready yet to accept help, Jonne.”

“But what…if he’ll never…accept help?” I raise and then tilt my head so I can look at Gary. He looks so calm and at peace. Maybe, he can help me find my inner peace too? I want that.

“We can’t force people to do things our way. If Christus doesn’t come to his senses, you should concentrate on the people who *do* need and want your help…like Eero. You can’t help Christus, but you *can* be there for Eero.”

“Eero has Ville now,” I mumble against Gary’s chest.

“But Ville has to leave on Sunday evening and then Eero will need you again.”

I smile against Gary’s chest. “Do you always…have an answer?”

“Not always, but often. So tell me, what are we going to do now? Should I take you home? You’re pretty drunk, aren’t you?” Gary raises the bottle and checks the content. “You managed that in how long?”

“I don’t know… I don’t keep track…” I snuggle up to Gary. “Can you…stay the night?”

“I’ll stay with you tonight. People will be mad at me for not showing up tomorrow, but they will survive. I want to be close to you instead. Jonne, you *do* know that drinking won’t change anything, don’t you?”

“I know that…don’t worry…I do…but… It helps numb the pain…”

“You don’t need the vodka anymore. I’ll take care of you…”

“That’s nice…” Sleepy, I snuggle up even closer to Gary.

“So what do we do? Can I take you home? Ville’s worried.”

“I don’t want to go home… What if Christus…is standing in the…corridor again? I can’t…continue to live there, Gary…Not with Macceus as a neighbor…”

“We can worry about that later… Now, if you don’t want to go home, what do you want?”

I raise my head a little and give Gary a puppy-dog look. “Do you still have that…blanket with you?” After he nods, I add, “We could stay…here…”

“At the Tammerkoski?” Gary frowns and thinks it over. At first, he wants to protest, but then he nods. “That might be a good idea. It’s peaceful out here and the night isn’t so cold.”

“You like my idea?” I’m pleased that Gary agrees. “You can call Ville…if you want…and tell him that I’m fine.”

“Are you? Fine, I mean?”

“Yes, now that you are here, I am.”

~~