Title: In my Heaven

Sequel to Destiny’s Star
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairings: Tommi L / Matthau, Chris /Juha, Antti /Mikko, Jack /Jonne, Ville / Lauri
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Things finally fall into place. Juha recovers and someone gets married *evil grin*.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!
Warning: Real Person Slash.
Betaed by Cat.

All remaining mistakes are mine.

 

Part 1

I'm hurt and so wounded
It's gonna tear my soul apart
I'm lost in my heaven
I finally found my way

 

As cautiously as possible, Chris had stretched next to Juha and was now watching the younger man sleep. Although the breathing tube was gone, Juha was still on oxygen and a drain showed from beneath the bandaged head. One IV was stuck in Juha’s hand while another vanished into his arm. And although Chris hated seeing the man he loved like this, he was grateful that those things made it easier for Juha to rest.

 

Twelve hours had passed by since surgery and it was evening again. Soon, the visiting hour would start, but he had asked his friends not to show up. Mikko, Matti, and Niklas had only left two hours ago and the men needed some rest too. More importantly, Chris wanted time alone with Juha.

 

“He’ll wake up shortly,” doctor Auvo said upon entering the room. He was making his last round that day and had saved Juha for last, since he could spend more time with his patient that way. “He might be in pain, though the morphine we’re giving him should take care of that.”

 

Chris swallowed hard at hearing Juha was on such strong drugs. “How long does he have to stay like this?”

 

“If everything goes according to plan we’ll remove the IV’s the day after tomorrow. The drain has to stay in a little longer though. Once he breathes more freely we can also put him off of oxygen, but for now, I want him to rest comfortably.”

 

Chris asked, “Is it okay for me to hold him like this? I’m being careful.”

 

“It’s fine; just don’t move any IV’s or the drain about.” Doctor Auvo gave Chris an encouraging smile. “It’s rare for a tumor to grow back on exactly the same spot, but it did. That was fortunate for Juha, because it was operable.”

 

“Can it return again?” Chris asked with dread.

 

“That would be extremely rare. It’s possible, but I never heard of a tumor growing back a third time and I’m confident that this molecular therapy will deal with any remaining cancer cells.”

 

“Thank you for explaining this to me. Most doctors use words I don’t understand, but you’re different.”

 

“It probably stems from the fact that I’m a pediatrician by origin. I’m used to having to explain things like this to children.” He checked Juha’s readings and smiled. “He’ll be fine. Should you need anything, just press the button and a nurse or my assistant will check on him.”

 

“Thank you,” Chris repeated again. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

 

The doctor nodded and turned. He had a pretty good idea though how much Juha meant to Chris.

 

Once the surgeon was gone, Chris concentrated on Juha again. His fingertips caressed his lover’s face and he drew in a deep, calming breath. Juha was still alive and would recover.

 

~~~

 

Thirty minutes later, Chris noticed Juha’s eyelids fluttering and he instantly cradled his lover tighter against him. “Hey, are you waking up?” He wanted the eyes to open and Juha to speak.

 

Juha opened his eyes, but they closed again almost instantly. He was so very tired. But then Chris’ presence registered with him and he forced them open again. He wanted to raise his hand to touch Chris’ face, but found it was too heavy to move. He had to settle for watching Chris instead.

 

“Ah, you’re awake. Oh Juha, I’m so happy to be holding you in my arms again.” Chris didn’t know what to say. Everything sounded hollow in a way.

 

“Hush…now,” Juha managed. “It’s…okay.” He gifted Chris with a smile. “How did…it go? Is it…gone?” He wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay awake. Everything inside him screamed at him to go back to sleep.

 

“It was a success. Doctor Auvo removed the tumor. You have the best chances to make a full recovery.” Chris smiled at Juha in a silly way that showed his relief. “You’ll have to stay for a few more days, but then I can take you home!”

 

Juha was still smiling, though his eyes had closed again. “That’s…good.” Unable to stay awake much longer, he slipped into sleep again.

 

~~~

 

“There’s a phone call for you at the nurses’ station,” the nurse told Chris. Mobile phones weren’t allowed for obvious reasons, so each time someone wanted to call him, they had to resort to the old-fashioned way. They had offered to put a phone in the room, but Chris had decided against it, not wanting to disturb Juha in any way. “I’m on my way,” he said as he slowly disentangled himself from Juha. He then followed the nurse and went over to the phone. “Chris here.”

 

“Chris, it’s me, Jonne…”

 

Chris smiled. He should have known that Jonne would call. “Didn’t Matti call you?”

 

“Yes, he did, but I wanted to know for sure and hear it from you. Is Juha really okay?”

 

“Yes, he is. He’ll get better.” Chris was deeply touched. He wanted to say something more when there was some commotion on the other end.

 

“Chris, it’s me, Japa. Is everything all right?”

 

Chris chuckled. In the background he heard Jonne curse at Jack for stealing his mobile phone. “We’re fine, Jack. Really we are. Juha’s asleep and that’s the best thing for him at the moment.”

 

“If there’s anything I can do…”Japa offered, knowing how little he could do to support Chris, being in Germany.

 

“You’re already helping me by taking my place during the gigs. You have no idea how grateful I am for that.”

 

Jack chuckled. “Oh, it’s hardly a sacrifice.” He enjoyed flirting with Jonne on stage, although flirting had been limited under Tommi’s watchful eye. “We’ll call again shortly. Go back to Juha. I know you’re getting impatient!”

 

He was! He wanted nothing more than to return to Juha’s side. “Bye, Japa…thanks for everything.” He hung up, thanked the nurse for getting him, and returned to Juha’s room.

 

~~~

 

The next morning, a nurse woke Chris early. She had come to check on Juha, and Chris had to leave the bed and step into the corridor so she could attend to Juha’s needs. A few minutes later he was allowed back in, and as he returned to the bed, he noticed that Juha’s eyes were wide open. Cradling Juha’s hand in his, he stretched next to his lover and smiled. “Did you sleep well?”

 

Juha blinked. “I must have… I don’t remember anything though…”

 

The nurse brought breakfast and placed the tray on the nightstand. There was toast for Chris and porridge for Juha. “Would you be so kind as to make him eat some?” she asked Chris, at which he nodded. She then left.

 

Chris caressed Juha’s hair and smiled happily at him. “Do you think you can stomach some porridge?”

 

“I can try…” His head still hurt and his vision was a bit blurry, but that was to be expected after surgery. With Chris’ help he managed to recline into some pillows and he opened his mouth when Chris offered him a spoonful of the sugared porridge. He ate some, but then shook his head. “It’s making me queasy.”

 

Chris put the bowl away and grabbed a slice of toast which he then ate. “Want some tea?”

 

“If it’s cool enough…” Juha regularly closed his eyes because he still felt incredibly tired. He opened them again though when Chris helped him sip. Once he had drunk about a third, he weakly pushed the mug away with a hand.

 

“Don’t do that,” Chris admonished and guided the hand back onto the mattress. It was the one with an IV attached to it. “Be careful.”

 

Juha turned his head and looked at Chris. “You stayed…”

 

“Of course I did! What did you expect?” Chris caressed Juha’s face and sighed when his fingertips made contact with the bandages. “Are you in any pain?”

 

“Not at the moment.” He felt warm and comfortable. His head had stopped hurting and even his vision was clearing. “I want to go home.”

 

“Not yet. You need to stay a little longer. You had major surgery yesterday.” Chris understood Juha’s need to go home, but it was a risk he wasn’t willing to take. “You’ll be back at home before you know it.”

 

“Hei…” sounded it from the doorway.

 

Chris turned and saw Mikko and Niklas standing there. Both men looked tired and had shadows beneath their eyes. “Come inside. Juha just woke up.”

 

Mikko, carrying a fruit basket, placed the gift on the nightstand and then sat down on the edge of the bed. Smiling at Juha, he touched his friend’s face. “Are you all right?”

 

“I’m fine,” Juha said softly and smiled in turn. The painkillers were doing their work and made him feel comfortable. “You need to sleep though.”

 

“I will, once I know that you’re out of danger.” Mikko rubbed Juha’s brow with his thumb and sighed deeply. Juha seemed fine and that reassured him. Maybe he would be able to sleep for some hours that night. Realizing Niklas wanted a moment with his son as well he got to his feet and moved over to Chris. “And how are you holding up?”

 

“I’m okay now that Juha has woken up again,” Chris replied and then watched Niklas walk over to the bed.

 

Niklas curled his fingers around Juha’s and rubbed them. “I was so worried about you.”

 

Juha’s expression softened further and his smile grew even warmer. “Thanks for coming to see me… must be hard to fit me into your schedule. I know how busy you are.”

 

“I make time these days, Juha, and you come first.” He squeezed his son’s hand and noticed the way Juha’s eyes swam with unshed tears. “You can sleep some more, if you want to. You looked drained.”

 

Juha closed his eyes because he didn’t want those tears to flow, not at that moment.

 

“It’s okay to cry,” Chris said, having seen his lover’s distress.

 

Juha however didn’t want to cry in front of his father.

 

Niklas then sat down on the bed and ran his thumb over his son’s brow. “Let go. You don’t need to keep it all inside.” His therapist had told him that time and time again, but he hadn’t realized how important that lesson had been until he saw Juha surrender and the tears slide down his son’s face. He continued to stroke Juha’s brow until the tears finally stopped. “He’s asleep again,” Niklas realized when Juha no longer showed any reaction.

 

“The doctor said he would sleep a lot,” Chris said and returned to his lover’s side. Niklas rose and Chris took his place on the bed.

 

“We’ll leave now. Juha needs his rest,” Niklas said, grateful that his son’s surgery had been successful. Niklas and Mikko had already reached the doorway when the older man turned and addressed Chris again. “I made arrangements for Juha’s aftercare. Doctor Auvo is already scheduling the treatments. Juha won’t have to go through chemo. Hopefully this new treatment will be less taxing on him.”

 

Chris gratefully inclined his head. “It’s much appreciated.”

 

Niklas nodded and followed Mikko into the corridor. Chris stretched next to Juha again, cradled him against his chest, and enjoyed simply watching his lover sleep so peacefully.

 

~~~

 

During most of the day, Juha slept peacefully. Chris kept a close eye on his lover each time a nurse or co-assistant attended to him. Doctor Auvo also checked on his patient and was pleased at finding Juha resting.

 

“Let’s hope he stays that way, comfortable and asleep,” the doctor said. “Rest is the best medicine at the moment.” He studied Chris. “And how are you coping with this?”

 

“I’m…fine… Of course I’m worried,” Chris quickly added, afraid to make the wrong impression. “But…No one ever needed me in that way before and Juha… I want to be there for him and he lets me. That’s amazing.”

 

Chris’ answer made doctor Auvo smile. “Don’t forget to eat and rest though.” A nurse would bring dinner within the next few minutes.

 

“What about Juha? Doesn’t he need to eat?”

 

“If he wakes up and stays awake long enough then try to make him eat something. At the moment it’s more important that he sleeps though, so there’s no need to wake him for dinner.” The doctor moved toward the doorway. “I’ll check with Juha tomorrow morning. Try to get some sleep, Chris.” After saying that, the surgeon left and a nurse entered the room, placing a tray which held two meals on the nightstand before leaving again.

 

Chris took one of the bowls filled with hot soup and started eating. The doctor was right: he had to keep his strength up. After finishing his soup, he also ate dessert, some surprisingly good-tasting pudding.

 

“Hei, Chris, can I visit for a few minutes?”

 

Surprised at hearing his brother’s voice, Chris turned his head and looked at Matti, who stood in the doorway. An uncertain expression showed on his face. “Sure, come on in. I hope you don’t mind Juha sleeping right through your visit though.”

 

Matti shook his head. “I don’t mind. I’m much too relieved that he’s doing well. Mikko told me that there were no complications during surgery and that Juha’s father’s paying for this new treatment method.” Matti shrugged out of his coat and draped it over the back of the chair before he sat down next to Chris. “I brought something in case Juha doesn’t like the hospital food.” Matti put a bar of white chocolate on the night stand. “It’s his favorite, isn’t it?”

 

Chris nodded gratefully. “That’s a nice thing of you to do.” Chris drew in a deep breath and his gaze shifted back to Juha. “I’m not going to lose him, Matti. He’s going to stay with me.” Matti’s hand covered his and Chris smiled at his brother. “Before surgery, I was afraid I’d lose him. We discussed getting married, you know. It’s not legal, but…I want some sort of ceremony when he gets out of here and has recovered.”

 

“Having a ceremony is a nice idea – especially after everything the two of you went through.” Matti grinned. “How about a ring?”

 

Chris shrugged. “Don’t you think that would be too much? I don’t want to overdo it.”

 

“Knowing Juha the way I do, I think he’d really appreciate it. He’d probably never take it off again.”

 

Chris had to admit that Matti was probably right. Juha would treasure such a gift for the rest of his life. “Will you help me find the right ring for him?”

 

“Of course I will!” Matti patted Chris on the back and then both men looked over at the bed because Juha was stirring and mumbling. “He’s waking up.”

 

Chris scooted closer and stroked Juha’s brow soothingly. He stayed clear of the bandages though. The touch seemed to wake Juha further and the eyes eventually opened. “Hei.”

 

Juha blinked, managed to focus his gaze, and then smiled at Chris. “Hei, baby.”

 

Chris’ smile turned into a cheeky grin. “That’s my endearment for you. Find your own.”

 

“Too lazy…” Juha smiled warmly at Chris and then noticed Matti. “I have a visitor,” he said, pleased. “Sorry that I didn’t see you right away.”

 

“You’re forgiven.” Matti gave Juha a wink. “How are you doing?”

 

“I’m okay, considering what happened.” Juha’s hand moved toward Chris’ and he curled his fingers around his lover’s hand. He needed the contact.

 

“Be careful! The IV!” Chris checked if the IV hadn’t moved. “Use your other hand instead.” He pressed a kiss onto Juha’s lips. “Are you hungry? Do you think you can eat something? There’s soup and pudding.”

 

“No soup,” Juha said with a disgusted look on his face. “Maybe the pudding.”

 

Chris helped Juha to sit up and then he lowered Juha into the pillows so he was reclining. “Everything okay?” He was worried he might do something that would cause Juha discomfort, or even worse, pain.

 

“Fine…” Juha closed his eyes briefly, experiencing some vertigo. It would be a long time before he would be on his feet again.

 

“If you eat some pudding, you might get some white chocolate afterwards,” Chris said, trying to entice Juha into eating the most he could.

 

“We have some?” Juha managed another tired smile.

 

“Matti brought some.” Chris picked up the pudding and a spoon and sat on the side of the bed. “Now open up.” Juha obeyed and Chris managed to feed his lover a few spoonfuls before Juha indicated that he’d had enough. He then reached for the bar of chocolate and removed some. “Want it?” It was only a small chunk, but if it helped motivate Juha, he would use it to his advantage.

 

“I think I can manage.” Chris placed the small piece onto his tongue and Juha enjoyed its taste. “Very nice.” Feeling – pleasantly – tired, he pressed deeper into the mattress. Although he hated having to stay at the hospital, Chris’ presence made it bearable. “I won’t be able to stay awake for long…”

 

“That’s fine,” Chris said. “You go to sleep whenever you feel like it.”

 

“You don’t mind? Being stuck here with me?” Juha yawned and his eyes started to close. “You can go home…with Matti, you know…” Juha managed to open his eyes one more time and looked at Chris. “I mean it…”

 

“Forget about it,” Chris said determinedly. “I’m staying!”

 

Juha smiled brightly and then the eyes closed again. He dozed off, but his fingers continued to rub Chris’, even in his sleep.

 

Matti got to his feet, picked up his coat, and put it on. “I’ll be heading for your place and feed the cats. Mikko’s working tonight so I’m stuck cat-sitting.” Matti grinned. “Not that I mind, but Harmaa is being difficult. I guess she misses Juha.”

 

Chris wasn’t surprised to hear that. The feline had grown quite attached to Juha and he was sure the feeling was mutual. “Do you think Ville would leave Harmaa in our care?”

 

“You can always ask,” Matti said and headed for the doorway. “I’ll see you tomorrow! Try to get some sleep, Chris!”

 

Chris grinned after Matti had left the room. “I’ve been getting more sleep than ever before!” He stretched next to Juha and took the redhead in his arm. “And I don’t mind one bit.”

 

~~~

 

Juha looked skeptically when doctor Auvo injected a transparent liquid into his IV. His physician had insisted they started him on molecular therapy as quickly as possible and he had just had the first injection. He was scared. He had barely recovered from surgery and now this substance was invading his body. He knew it was meant to help, but he still worried.

 

“Don’t look so worried,” doctor Auvo said. “It won’t be as bad as going through chemo.”

 

Chris held Juha’s hand in his and sensed his lover’s growing agitation. Two days had passed by since surgery and Juha had been put off of oxygen that morning. One IV had been removed, but another was still there though and so was the drain, and although Juha slept a lot, the redhead seemed okay. Chris had expected Juha to be much worse.

 

“What will happen now?” Juha asked, giving the surgeon a pleading look.

 

“You might end up feeling tired and queasy, but since you already did before I injected you, that shouldn’t be much of a change. The advantage molecular therapy offers is that it directly attacks any remaining cancer cells and leaves the ‘good’ cells alone. You’ll heal faster that way,” the surgeon explained.

 

Juha hoped doctor Auvo was right. “How much longer do I need to stay?”

 

“A few more days for sure; I want the drain gone before I’m sending you home. I know that you’re in the best hands,” doctor Auvo said and smiled at Chris. “But I want to make sure there are no complications.”

 

Juha nodded slowly. “Thank you for…taking such good care…of me…”

 

The surgeon smiled and then left Juha in Chris’ care. Chris managed to catch Juha’s gaze and then asked, “Everything’s going fine, isn’t it? You can go home in a few days!”

 

Juha however felt down and found it hard to share in Chris’ enthusiasm. “And then what will happen? We’ll still have problems. I’m without a job and the mortgage…” It was his biggest fear that they would lose their home. “And I need to pay my father back. He paid for the surgery and now for the treatment as well.”

 

Chris frowned. Where was this coming from all of a sudden? “I don’t think your father wants you to pay him back. He’s doing this because he wants to, and as far as the mortgage goes, I’m sure we’ll find a solution for that problem.”

 

“And me being unemployed?” Juha gave Chris a depressed look.

 

“You can always get another job, baby, but don’t you think you should rest until you’re fully recovered? I talked to doctor Auvo and he strongly advised you to take the next three months off from work. So, there’s no problem. Not really.”

 

“How can you be so casual about this? Chris, I don’t want to lose the house. It’s our home!” Tears gathered in Juha’s eyes.

 

Chris carefully pulled Juha into his arms. He should have expected Juha to be emotional after such an operation. The redhead had gone through quite some traumatic events these last few weeks. He also realized that this wasn’t really about the house. This was about Juha being scared of the future. His lover had always kept the possibility in mind that he could die and to be alive now and to have such excellent chances at recovery must overwhelm him. “We won’t lose the house. You won’t lose me. I’ll take care of you, just like you took care of me when we first got together.” He buried Juha’s head beneath his chin and rocked him cautiously.

 

~~~

 

Niklas turned away from the scene he had just witnessed and rubbed his brow. He had only wanted to say a quick hello and check on his son and he hadn’t expected to hear any of that. He was glad though that he had. At least now he knew his son’s fears and this was something he could fix. Damn it, it was only money. Yet, it was also the one thing that could make Juha’s life more comfortable.

 

He walked down the corridor and headed outside where he uncovered his phone. He called his lawyer and told him to look into Juha’s affairs. He instructed him to take care of the mortgage and to make sure that the house became Juha’s. He wanted his son to feel safe. And then there was the money of the apartment Juha had sold at any rate. The apartment in Helsinki had belonged to Niklas and Juha had only gotten a small amount of the money it had earned. If he put that money to good use, it would buy Juha the house.

 

He slipped his phone back into his pocket and paced, trying to decide if he should head inside again or leave. He wasn’t sure that Juha wanted to see him in his current state. They were beginning to grow a bit closer again, but there was still a huge gap behind them and no one was to blame for that but himself. He had built this wall and he couldn’t expect things between them to become normal again. And what was normal to begin with? He knew one thing for sure – he didn’t want to go back to the way things had been in the past. He needed to bridge the distance between them and that demanded time.

 

In the end, Niklas headed back inside and made his way over to Juha’s room. The door was closed and he knocked, hoping his son had calmed down. Juha shouldn’t stress himself out in his current condition. The door opened and Chris appeared in front of him.

 

“He’s asleep,” Chris said and closed the door behind him. “He isn’t doing well at the moment. He’s worried…”

 

Niklas forced himself to pretend he didn’t know why Juha was upset. “What’s troubling him?”

 

“It’s a money thing. Now that he has lost his job, he’s scared we’ll lose the house too, but I don’t think that will happen. I’m really angry with his boss for firing him while he’s ill! I thought he was a nice guy, someone you could talk to, but this… I want to kick his ass!”

 

Ah, that was another matter he would ask his lawyer to look into. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll take care of it.”

 

“Juha doesn’t want that,” Chris said. “He wants to pay you back. He has this absurd idea that he has to do everything himself and no one is allowed to help. It sometimes drives me crazy!”

 

Niklas nodded. “That sounds familiar. Juha wasn’t always like that though. He changed through the years, and after his mother died, he… I guess he felt abandoned. Jarmo’s quite a private person and not someone he often confided in. They only became friends when the tumor was discovered and then...” Niklas stopped himself. He had made so many mistakes, and they also involved Jarmo. “And I wasn’t there for him either. He had no one to turn to but Mikko, so he had to rely on himself.”

 

“I understand it was that way in the past, but that has changed! I know he loves and trusts me, but it’s still hard for him to accept any kind of help. I’m not giving up though!”

 

Niklas smiled. “That’s good. Juha needs to know that you’re for real. I don’t think he ever recovered from my…betrayal.” He phrased it like that on purpose because that was how Juha had experienced being put in a sanatorium to recover. “It’ll take time.”

 

Chris wanted to reply that he was aware of that when a noise coming from inside Juha’s room drew his attention. He turned, opened the door, and marched back inside again. Juha sat upright in bed and was trying hard not to throw up. The gagging however was quickly getting the better of him. Chris grabbed a metal bowl, which the nurse had put next to the bed in case something like this would happen, pressed it against Juha’s lips, and wrapped an arm around his lover. “It’s okay… Don’t try to force it back.”

 

Juha didn’t have much of a choice and the little bit of pudding he had eaten earlier that evening made its return. Dry heaves tormented him long after he had emptied his stomach and he tried to force back the tears that escaped his eyes. No, he wasn’t going to cry like a baby. He had to be strong for Chris.

 

Chris waited until the last heaves had gone away and placed the bowl aside. “What was that all about? You could have told me that you didn’t want any pudding,” he said and smiled, trying to cheer Juha up.

 

The pudding had tasted good, but his stomach hadn’t been able to handle it yet. Suddenly the mattress dipped again and Juha startled at seeing his father seated next to him so unexpectedly.

 

“You can cry, son. I’m sorry that I always told you not to. If you feel like it, cry.” Niklas regretted that he had always told his boys to bear whatever discomfort they had been in.

 

Hearing his father say that, and Chris soothingly rubbing his back, made Juha surrender and big, fat tears dripped from his face. “I’m so sick and tired of this. I want it to stop!”

 

“It will, eventually,” Niklas soothed his son. “But you can’t give up now. Fight, son.”

 

Chris used his sleeve to wipe away Juha’s tears and asked, “I bet that feels better now that you let it out.” Juha nodded tentatively and Chris kept up the soothing strokes. “Maybe you will hold something down the next time you eat.”

 

Juha leaned heavily against his lover and closed his eyes. He wanted this to stop. He wanted to go home with Chris, pick up his old life, and pretend none of this was happening. Unfortunately for Juha, that wasn’t an option. He had to be strong and do as his father had said – he had to fight!

 

TBC

 

Part 2

I'm hurt and so wounded
It's gonna tear my soul apart
I'm lost in my heaven
I finally found my way to escape

 

Matti studied Ville for some time. The younger man had dropped by to pick up the cats, so they had one thing less to worry about and Matti realized it was now or never. If he didn’t ask Ville now, then it might be too late. “Ville, would you do me a huge favor?”

 

Ville, who was packing the cats’ stuff, looked up in surprise. Had they reconsidered? When he had called last night and had offered to take care of the felines, Mikko had eagerly accepted. Pinki would return to Jonne and Jack once they had returned from the tour and Musta would go back to Tommi, once Matti moved back to Tommi’s apartment for a longer period of time. In the meantime, Ville would look after them. “Depends on what you want from me.”

 

“I talked to Chris last night and… I was wondering if you’d let Juha have Harmaa.” Matti shrugged helplessly. “I know it isn’t really fair to ask since you would only have Lady left, but… I think Juha, as well as Harmaa, have grown attached to each other.” Harmaa was on the couch, looking miserable and frustrated. Her tail moved restlessly and she hissed at anyone, cat or human, who tried to approach.

 

Ville realized that he should have expected a request like that, especially after Harmaa had warned them about Juha’s upcoming seizure. It was true: the feline preferred Juha and she definitely missed having him about. “Harmaa can stay with Juha. I still have Lady to keep me company.”

 

“Who knows, maybe you’ll happen to stumble upon another litter like you did that first time,” Matti said, trying to cheer Ville up, whom he thought must be feeling abandoned.

 

“It’s okay. It really is. I love them all, but they’re also a handful and I know Harmaa will have a good life here.” Ville patted Lady and put her in the traveling basket, where Musta and Pinki were already waiting for her. “Do you want me to leave Harmaa here or take her along?”

 

“You can try to pick her up… I’m not sure you’ll manage to do so unharmed.” Matti took one step toward the feline and she immediately hissed and showed her claws.

 

Ville laughed. “She made her point very clear. I’ll leave her in your care.” Ville carried the cats and their stuff to his car and then started the engine. “You’ll keep me informed, won’t you? Call me if Juha gets worse, or if he’s allowed to come home.” He had dealt with the shock which he had suffered at seeing Juha convulse and was once more eager to help.

 

“I will. Let’s hope that when I call, I’ll have good news!”

 

Ville started the engine and drove home while Matti went inside the house and walked over to Harmaa. Her tail swayed dangerously and she seemed to glare at him. “Hey, don’t blame me! I can’t help it that Juha’s in hospital!” He attempted to pet her, but she lashed out at him and he quickly drew back his hand. “Okay, have it your way. It might be some days though before your precious redhead returns.” Harmaa however was unimpressed and continued to move her tail restlessly.

 

~~~

 

Juha wasn’t sure he should try to eat again. He still recalled throwing up the evening before and gave the porridge a suspicious look. He was getting sick and tired of having to eat it, but at the moment his stomach couldn’t handle anything else to begin with.

 

“Try to eat something,” Chris said pleadingly. “I know you feel apprehensive about doing so, but try – for me.”

 

“You don’t play fair,” Juha whispered and sighed. “Can I try myself?”

 

Chris nodded and watched carefully as Juha raised the hand which he didn’t have an IV attached to it. The one thing that struck him all of a sudden was the fact that the trembling was gone. That realization made him smile.

 

Juha curled his fingers around the spoon, scooped some porridge onto it, and then guided it to his mouth. He swallowed and then ate some more. He managed to empty half of the bowl. Then he placed the spoon onto the tray and shook his head. “I’m full.” One look at Chris’ breakfast tray told him that his lover had eaten everything. That was good. He didn’t want Chris to neglect his needs.

 

Raising his head, he studied the dark-haired man. Chris looked rough though. He hadn’t shaved in days and the eyes looked worried. The hair was a mess and Juha frowned at seeing Chris still wear the same clothes he had two days ago. At second thought, it *did* look like Chris was neglecting himself. “You need a shower and a clean set of clothes. And shave!”

 

Chris burst out laughing. That was the last thing he had expected Juha to tell him. “You must be feeling better when you start bitching around again!” He knew Juha was right though.

 

“The bathroom is over there, in case you hadn’t noticed,” Juha said and pointed in that direction.

 

“I know where it is!” Chris shook his head in mirth. “Are you telling me I stink?”

 

No, Chris didn’t reek. Juha couldn’t say that, but he wanted Chris to attend to his own needs for a change. “Go shower and I promise not to walk out on you.”

 

Chris smiled. “You couldn’t even if you tried.” He caressed Juha’s face. “I don’t want to leave you alone though. What if you need me while I’m in the shower?”

 

“I’ll press the button and get the pretty nurse to help me,” Juha said and smiled sweetly.

 

Chris chuckled. “She’s married.”

 

Juha pouted. “I mean it, Chris. You don’t have to stay at my side all the time! You need time for yourself too!”

 

Chris didn’t like the fact that Juha was growing upset and realized it would be best to give in. That way, Juha would calm down and he would get the chance to clean himself up. “All right, you win. I’ll shower and find some clean clothes. But if you need something, call me! Or press that button. Do you promise?”

 

“I promise and now get going!” Juha aimed his most evil look at Chris, but his lover seemed unimpressed. A moment later though, Chris rose from the bed, picked up his bag, and disappeared into the bathroom. Wow, he had actually managed to convince Chris to leave his side, no matter how briefly.

 

The water was turned on and Juha smiled at hearing Chris sing under the shower. He closed his eyes and listened. That was also why he didn’t notice that he had a visitor.

 

~~~

 

Mikko had decided to drop by before he had to head for work. Although Matti had assured him that Juha was fine, he had to see for himself. Standing in the doorway, he indulged himself and studied Juha’s face, which was relaxed as he listened to Chris sing in the bathroom. His thoughts however drifted back – ten years to be exact – and he recalled a very stressed out and depressed Juha after he’d gone through surgery that first time…

 

~~~

 

Curled up in a fetal position, and with his eyes tightly shut, Juha tried to pretend that none of this was really happening, but he failed. Only three days after going through surgery he had been moved to this sanatorium to rest before he would start chemo instead of going home like the other patients did. His father had arranged for a luxuriously furnished single room and the nurses and doctors were kind and supporting, but he didn’t want to be there. He was surrounded by strangers and would have to stay until he had recovered from chemo and was able to take care of himself again, which might be months. He felt alone – so incredible alone.

 

“Hei, you’re looking glum.” Mikko covered the distance to the bed and sat down on the side. He felt sorry for his friend, who had hoped that his father would pick him up and take him home. Instead he had been brought here.

 

Juha opened his eyes and looked at Mikko. Mikko was only one year older than him, but had assumed the role of older brother during these last few weeks. He honestly didn’t know if he would have made it without Mikko. They had only met one week before his doctor had found the tumor and he hadn’t been sure their friendship would survive, but Mikko had become his lifeline. “I hate it here,” he said listlessly. “I don’t want to be here.”

 

Everything was sterile, and although the members of staff were nice, they were also distant. They wouldn’t take him into their arms and rock him, or comfort him with words. He was a patient – nothing more. Tears burned behind his eyelids and he hated himself for crying in front of Mikko. His father had always told him to never show his emotions that clearly and most certainly not in front of others.

 

“It’s only for a short while,” Mikko said as he carefully gathered the fragile younger man in his arms and rocked him. “In three days, I’ll smuggle you out and you’ll come live with me.”

 

Juha stared at Mikko through his tears. “Are you sure you want me there? I’ll need care… I won’t be able to take care of myself. I still have to go through chemo…”

 

“I want you with me, all right?” Mikko smiled winningly at Juha. Seeing his friend so depressed and insecure tore at his heart. When he had met Juha during that festival, the redhead had been enticing. The eyes had shone and the hair had reflected the sun light. Mikko, who at that point hadn’t been sure if he only liked girls, but maybe boys as well, had instantly received his answer. He definitely liked boys too for he had fallen for Juha. They had become friends in the next week and then Juha had been diagnosed with cancer.

 

Feeling embarrassed, Juha wiped angrily at his tears. “Thanks for coming to visit me.” He inched closer to Mikko, as much as the IV he was attached to allowed him, and he rested his tired head against his friend’s shoulder. Mikko was his sole visitor these days. Jarmo hadn’t visited him since he had been admitted to hospital to have surgery and his father hadn’t even called.

 

“Hey, I visit each day!” Mikko hated the fact that Juha’s family neglected him so badly. He couldn’t understand how Juha’s father could simply ignore the fact that Juha needed  support and nor did he understand why Jarmo had vanished after Juha had been admitted. That was a mystery too. “In three days I’ll come for you.” He raised Juha’s face and cringed. Juha had steadily lost weight these last few weeks and the jawbones protruded the facial skin. The red hair, which had attracted his attention during that festival, had grown dull.

 

Juha turned his head away and stared at the wall, having noticed the way Mikko was looking at him. He knew he had become emaciated and ugly, and soon he would be bald too, thanks to chemo therapy. It was beyond him how Mikko could still bear to look at him. His father and brother no longer could.

 

“Stay,” Mikko said firmly as Juha tried to move out of the embrace. “It’s okay. I love you for who you are, Juha. You’re a good person and I love you. The hair will grow back and I’ll fatten you up again.”

 

In spite of feeling miserable, Juha grinned. “Not that fat!”

 

Mikko felt relieved at seeing his friend smile a little. “Want me to bring some of your stuff? I can pick it up at your place. I’m sure the housekeeper will let me in.”

 

Juha considered Mikko’s request and nodded again. “Maybe you can get some of my clothes? And my guitar?”

 

“I’ll get those things and bring them along tomorrow.” Mikko stroked Juha’s back and slowly his friend started to relax against him. It was so damn unfair. All Juha wanted was for his father or brother to hold him and support him and they simply refused him! At times, Mikko felt like kicking their asses or punch them in the face. He only had his mother left. His father had died when he had been young, but his mother had always been there for him and loved him unconditionally. Mikko wanted the same for Juha – someone to love and support him unconditionally, and since neither Niklas or Jarmo were willing to do so, he would. He would fight and make sure Juha recovered.

 

Juha’s eyes started to close. Mikko’s body heat and the rocking motion were making him relax and therefore sleepy. “Tell me something, please… I need to hear your voice. It’s so damn quiet in here.”

 

Mikko’s features contorted and he was grateful that Juha couldn’t see it. “I’m renovating this little, two-bedroom apartment in the center of Oulu. You’ll like it…” Mikko continued to tell Juha about his new apartment, even long after his friend had fallen asleep again.

 

~~~

 

“Mikko? Is something wrong?” Juha frowned at seeing the distant expression on his friend’s face. And was it just his imagination or was the bass player about to burst out into tears? He cursed the fact that he couldn’t leave the bed, as he wanted to reach out to Mikko. Instead, he called out to Chris.

 

Chris had just managed to slip into a clean set of clothes when he heard Juha call his name. With a towel still slung around his wet hair, he went back into the room and checked on Juha, who, to his surprise, seemed fine. But as he followed the direction of his lover’s stare, he happened to look at Mikko, who stood frozen in the doorway. The normally so calm and composed bass player seemed to re-live some sort of shock and his eyes were wide with anxiety.

 

“What’s going on?” he asked Mikko as he walked over to the other man. Since Mikko didn’t reply right away, Chris guided him over to Juha’s bed and sat Mikko down on the chair there. Exchanging a look with Juha, Chris shrugged. He had no idea what was going on.

 

“Mikko, talk to me,” Juha said pleadingly and reached out to take his friend’s hand in his. “What’s wrong? Say something!”

 

And suddenly Mikko started to talk. Everything needed out – he had kept it inside for too long. The nineteen year old boy he had been back then suddenly started to talk.

 

“Juha was in a really bad state that day when I picked him up. I had finally managed to get my new apartment ready, and although it looked shabby, it already felt like home to me.”

 

“Mikko! Stop that! You’re not going to tell Chris –“

 

But Chris stopped Juha short. “I want to hear it though.” Chris had no idea what was going on, but the bewildered look on Juha’s face told him that it wouldn’t be pretty. Mikko however seemed about to explode and he realized the bass player desperately needed to tell them. “Let him talk, baby.” He sat down on the bed and gently pulled Juha into his arms, maneuvering in such a way that he could see Mikko’s face as well as Juha’s.

 

Juha considered protesting again, but Mikko beat him to it and started to talk again. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Why was Mikko bringing this up after all those years?

 

Mikko’s gaze fastened on Chris as he resumed talking. “Surgery had left him weak and he couldn’t walk unaided, so the nurse had put him in a wheel chair. They had strongly protested against me taking him home with me, but as Juha had told them that he wanted to go, there was little they could do. Maybe things had been different if Niklas had cared enough to show up that day, but he didn’t. I’ll never forget the way Juha looked at me. He was scared and happy at the same time. Scared because he didn’t know how Niklas would react once he found out and happy because someone cared enough to take him in and look after him.”

 

Chris noticed the way Juha flinched in his arms and he tightened the hold as much as he could. He wanted to hear this – needed to hear this because then he would gain a better understanding of the way Juha’s mind worked. “Go on.”

 

Mikko didn’t need the encouragement though and continued. “They had forced him to wear one of those medical gowns. I had brought him some clothes, but they insisted that, as he was a patient, he couldn’t wear his own stuff. Juha hated that.”

 

Juha flinched again and closed his eyes. “Please, Mikko stop it.”

 

“I can’t… I’m sorry, Juha.” Mikko gave Juha a look which made it very clear that he hoped Juha would forgive him for making him go through this all over again. “He looked like he had given up on life. The first thing I did was wrapping my scarf around his head, so he wouldn’t be cold or exposed to people’s looks since part of his head had been shaved and he was bald there. I helped him into my car, an old and wore down Volkswagen, and then I took him home.”

 

Juha pressed closer to Chris and wished he could jump up from the bed and run out of the room, but he couldn’t. He was still too weak for that.

 

“My apartment was small, but my mother had helped me renovate it and clean it up. I had found a second hand bed and I had piled pillows on it, trying to give it a homely look. I carried Juha up the stairs and got him warm and comfortable.”

 

Juha, whose breathing had sped up, suddenly started to talk. “I liked your place right away. There were so many smells and sounds going on. The sanatorium had been so quiet. The mattress was soft and the bed linen smelled of lavender. I still remember that.”

 

“My mother had washed those…” Mikko managed a weak smile and looked at Chris. “That first evening, he actually managed to eat a slice of the pizza I had made.”

 

Juha continued in a whispering voice. “It was so nice… He had set the table and even lit a candle. Black Sabbath played in the background and he made a real show of baking that pizza.” He sighed, opened his eyes, and raised his head. “Chris, I don’t know what I would have done without Mikko.”

 

Chris swallowed hard. His gratitude toward Mikko grew and so did his understanding of the way how Juha’s mind worked and why it was so hard on him to accept help. Except for Mikko no one had been there for him back then and that must have hurt. “It’s okay. I understand.” He placed a kiss on Juha’s brow and then looked to Mikko for more information.

 

Mikko shrugged. “I liked being there for Juha. He was easy to take care of and slowly he started to accept that he’d stay with me. It took some weeks though for him to accept that. You always expected me to grow tired of you, didn’t you?” He had never asked Juha that directly and was curious about the answer.

 

“It wasn’t that,” Juha whispered and rubbed his cheek against Chris’ shoulder. “I was afraid my father would show up and take me back to the sanatorium. I wanted to stay with you instead.”

 

Mikko nodded; that made sense too. “He was depressed for weeks. Listless and… It was like he had given up on life.” Mikko drew in a shuddering breath. “Chemo drained him, and even long after he had gotten his last treatment, he remained weak and ill.”

 

Juha flinched again. Why wouldn’t Mikko stop?

 

“When doctor Auvo told him that the cancer was gone, I expected him to be happy, but…” Mikko gave Juha another pleading look, hoping his friend would forgive him. “He didn’t want to eat, leave the bed, and clean up…exchange his pajamas for jeans and a shirt and… It was so hard to draw him out. I was afraid I’d lose him after all. He was so fragile… He hardly weighted more than eighty pounds and…” Mikko sighed.

 

Juha closed his eyes, but the tears still made it out from beneath his eyelids. “Mikko, stop it.”

 

“I can’t…” Mikko focused on Chris instead and looked him in the eye. “Things deteriorated even more when Niklas finally *did* call and announced he was going to pick up his son and take him back to the clinic. I lost it,” Mikko said and blushed. “I screamed at him and called him names I don’t wish to repeat now, but… It helped Juha out of his blue funk. In a way, my anger fueled his and he finally opened up. He suffered a nervous breakdown that evening, but the next morning, I found him trying to get out of bed by himself. That was when everything changed.”

 

Chris rubbed the small of his lover’s back and closed his eyes. If only he had known Juha back then and had been able to be there for him!

 

“One evening, Ilka, Juhani, and Reiska came over. We had just formed a band, and we still needed a singer. We started to jam and suddenly Juha became interested. We stimulated that of course. Jarmo had once mentioned that Juha possessed a great voice, but we only found out when we were jamming and Juha joined in. After that, things really improved. Juha had found a reason to get his life back on track and I took him along whenever we rehearsed. Within the year, Juha recovered and became our vocalist. We started to write songs and had our first concert. Everything had finally worked out.”

 

Chris couldn’t help it. Something bugged him and he had to know. “And how about your crush on Juha?”

 

Mikko’s blush deepened. “I don’t know… I cared for him rather intimately and having sex was the last thing on my mind back then.” Mikko exchanged a quick look with Juha and considered how much he should tell Chris about what had happened back then. “Juha was always on my mind though, and then, one night… I told him that I was in love with him. Taking the next step felt right. We had sex … No, we made love.” Mikko peeked tentatively at Chris to find out how the other man would react to that. “I’ll never forget that night, but being with Juha had felt…wrong in some way. We had become too close. He was like a brother to me – he still is.” Mikko decided that was all Chris had to know – some things should remain a secret.

 

Much to his amusement, Chris found Juha growing flustered. “Care to tell me something?”

 

Juha swallowed nervously. “What do you want to know?” Chris had known right from the start that he had slept with Mikko, so what did his lover want to know now? Hopefully not more details of their relationship back then. Those should remain private.

 

“I know that it was Mikko’s first time with a man, but how about you?” Chris raised an eyebrow when Juha’s blush deepened further. A suspicion started to form in his mind. Mikko had obviously already had girlfriends and hadn’t been a virgin, but Juha?

 

Juha suddenly found the corner of his blanket very interesting and started to fumble it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

Chris started to grin. “Are you telling me that you, a virgin, topped Mikko and blew his head off?”

 

Juha coughed and grew even more embarrassed. He couldn’t believe Chris had brought this up.

 

Mikko nodded. “That pretty much sums it up.”

 

Chris shook his head and whistled to show his surprise. “I don’t want to remember how awkward I was the first time I was on top. I was so nervous, that at first, I couldn’t get it up, and when I did, I came much too quickly!”

 

Juha whispered in a tiny voice, “I just did what felt right. I love Mikko and I wanted it to be good for him.”

 

“He was gentle and careful…” Mikko grinned conspiringly at Chris. “But afterwards we couldn’t look each other in the eye. We both realized that we weren’t meant to be lovers, but best friends instead.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but he wasn’t willing to reveal more details.

 

Chris raised Juha’s head after placing a finger beneath his lover’s chin. “I have another question for you, my little tease.”

 

Juha swallowed hard and tried to turn his head away from Chris. No, Chris wasn’t going to ask him that – no fucking way.

 

“When we made love that first time and I took you… Was that your first time on the bottom?” Chris wasn’t sure he had reached the right conclusion, but Juha had never told him about other guys he had dated and he *knew* the redhead wasn’t into one-night-stands, so…

 

“Itmighthavebeen,” Juha said and coughed to cover up his embarrassment.

 

Chris blinked. “I never suspected a thing…”

 

Juha looked Chris in the eye. “Does it really matter?”

 

“It doesn’t, but if I had known, I would have been…”

 

“What, even more considerate? You were gentle with me.” Juha snuggled closer to his lover. “And I wanted it that way. You didn’t need to know the whole truth about me. I’m entitled to have secrets too.”

 

“Sure, but…” Chris still needed a moment to deal with everything. After thinking everything over, he addressed something more serious. “Had you really given up back then?”

 

“For some time, yes,” Juha admitted right away. “My own family didn’t want me, so… I felt worthless and only because of Mikko I realized that I was worth being loved.”

 

Chris guided Juha’s head against his shoulder and held on tight. “You’re worth everything to me, baby. Without you… I can’t live without you.”

 

Juha smiled against Chris’ chest. “I love you too, Chris.”

 

Mikko was relieved that he had gotten everything off his chest and maybe now, Chris had gained a better understanding of Juha. “When I stood in the doorway and watched Juha listen to you sing, he looked so at ease – so content and I recalled a time when things had been different. I’m happy he has you now.”

 

Chris nodded. “And I’m immensely grateful for you supporting Juha back then. Without you, I might never have found the love of my life…my heaven.” Juha raised his head again and the expression in the green eyes became blurry with tears. Chris kissed him, whispering ‘forever mine’ against Juha’s lips before he claimed them.

 

~~~

 

“I’m not going near her, forget about it,” Matti said, addressing Mikko. “You try!”

 

Mikko wasn’t so sure he should. Harmaa had taken possession of Chris’ and Juha’s bed and refused to move. She had attacked him when he had tried to change the bed linen. He just wanted to have everything ready should Juha be discharged from hospital. “I’m not touching her!”

 

Matti grinned suddenly. “I wonder if she’ll let Chris close to Juha once they’re back.”

 

“She really is possessive, don’t you think?” Mikko asked.

 

Matti grew serious again. “She sensed that seizure… Maybe she…is more…sensitive than other cats…”

 

“Do you think she’s sensing something now too?” Mikko asked with a puzzled expression.

 

Matti grinned. “Our fear… She probably smells it.”

 

Mikko burst out laughing. Yes, that was probably it.

 

~~~

 

Chris suffered a thousand little deaths. He had been ordered out of the room because doctor Auvo wanted to remove the drain and the surgeon wanted to do so without him hovering close. Chris understood why that was – he was nervous and would have made the surgeon nervous in turn, but it frustrated him that he couldn’t be with Juha and hold his hand.

 

“Hey, why are you pacing out here?” Niklas frowned. He had expected to find Chris near Juha.

 

“They’re removing the drain and wanted me out. I guess it’s a good thing that they’re going to remove it, but… Damn, I want to be in there with him!”

 

Niklas rested a hand on Chris’ shoulder. “It won’t take long… And then you can go back inside again. Can I talk to you in the meantime? I want to discuss something with you.”

 

Looking at Niklas, at the calm way the older man was looking at him, anger rose in the pit of Chris’ stomach for the way Juha had suffered in the past. Niklas was to blame for that. Mikko’s story had brought everything back and he wanted to scream out in anger at Niklas when Juha’s father suddenly started to talk again.

 

“Since Juha is worried that you might lose the house, I took the liberty to look into the matter and found a solution. When Juha sold off his Helsinki apartment most of the money went into my bank account, since it belonged to me. Juha only got the profit made from the sale. I used that money to pay your mortgage. I paid off the rest. The house is Juha’s now and he doesn’t have to worry about losing it. Maybe you’d like to tell him? Don’t mention though that I am involved… You could say his lawyer found a solution or that you did, or maybe your manager.”

 

Chris’ anger vanished and he stared at Niklas in surprise. First of, he hadn’t known the apartment had belonged to Niklas, and second, he hadn’t expected Juha’s father to do something like that. But since Niklas had, he also felt Juha had a right to know. “Why don’t you tell him what you did? I’m sure it will put his worries to rest and maybe that way you can make up for putting him in that sanatorium.”

 

Niklas frowned at hearing Chris’ vicious tone. He had thought they had buried the hatchet so why was Chris angry with him all over again? “I don’t understand…”

 

“Mikko visited this morning and told me how bad Juha was back then. How Juha had been about to give up and…” Chris had to draw in a deep breath to steady himself. “All he wanted was your love.”

 

Niklas bowed his head in shame. “I know that now, but I can’t change the past.”

 

Chris sighed. “I don’t know what to do about this either…”

 

“Chris? Juha wants you.” Doctor Auvo had opened the door and gestured for Chris to approach. “He’s in pain, but we already administered some painkillers. Just comfort him.”

 

Chris forgot about Niklas and raced inside. The bandages around Juha’s head had been renewed and his lover had curled up with his eyes closed and his arms wrapped around his waist for comfort. Chris cringed at seeing the pained expression on his lover’s face.

Removing that drain must have hurt like hell. “Baby, I’m here. The pain will go away shortly. The painkillers will take care of it.” Cautiously he sat down on the side of the bed and rubbed the back of Juha’s hand with his thumb. Suddenly Juha raised an arm, took hold of his hand, and pulled him closer. Chris complied and lay down next to him. Juha awkwardly moved into his arms and Chris held him close. “The pain will go away again,” he repeated as he kissed Juha’s brow.

 

“It hurts,” Juha whispered in a pained tone. “Please make it stop.”

 

Chris sighed deeply. “I wish I could.” Seeing Juha in pain caused him pain too. “Is there anything I can do help?”

 

“Hold me,” Juha whispered. “Hold me tight.”

 

Chris did and then turned his head to find out if Niklas had followed him into the room, but the older man was gone.

 

TBC

 

Part 3

Found my way to escape
I'm lost in my heaven
My heaven

 

Juha had turned onto his side and looked out of the window situated to the right side of his bed. Summer had finally come to Finland, warming the land and streaming the sky with warmth, but he wasn’t able to enjoy it, confined to his bed like he was. Chris had stepped out of the room to talk to doctor Auvo. It vexed him that his surgeon had wanted a word in private with Chris. He wanted to know what they were discussing!

 

He had been locked in this room for a week now and felt like he was slowly but steadily losing his mind. He was homesick and wanted to leave! But no, the surgeon insisted he stayed another day, and another.

 

Yes, he was doing better. At the moment he wasn’t hooked up to anything, but there was still an IV port attached to the back of his hand so they could easily administer medication. So far, the injections he was getting for his therapy weren’t causing him much discomfort. He was tired and queasy, but going through that round of chemo back then had been way worse.

 

A bird flew by and Juha longingly looked at the way it hovered on the wind. He wanted to be outside too – wanted to feel the sun upon his skin or feel the wind move through his hair. A smile stole onto his face – it was amazing, his hair wasn’t falling out and after a quick check in the mirror he’d seen that he could cover the shaven spot with the rest of his mane. It only showed if he wore a pony tail, so he wasn’t going to do that.

 

During the last few days, Mikko, Matti, and even Ville had visited him. He had enjoyed their company, but the one person who hadn’t visited him was his father, and he wanted Niklas to drop by. His father had probably gone back to work and no longer had time to visit with him. He had expected for that to happen, but it had been sad to notice it had happened only a few days after he’d had surgery.

 

He closed his eyes and wished he would finally be released. He wanted to go home so he could take care of his affairs. He needed to find a new job and then he worried about the mortgage. Chris *had* told him, in a very confusing way, that the mortgage had been paid in full and that the house belonged to them now, but he found that hard to believe. He suspected Chris had merely told him that to make sure he didn’t worry, but he did!

 

The door opened and Juha opened his eyes to see who was entering. It was Chris and doctor Auvo. Chris was grinning like mad and Juha wondered what had happened that had put his lover in such a good mood.

 

Chris sat down on the side of the bed, gathered Juha’s hand in his, and continued to grin. “We’ve got great news!”

 

Juha raised an eyebrow inquisitively. “Like what?”

 

Doctor Auvo said, “You can go home tomorrow, providing you promise to rest. I want you in bed mostly. Yes, you can exchange your bed for the couch, but no walking about, except for short trips to the bathroom. We’re pausing the injections for three days and then you’ll come in for two to receive your shots. You don’t need to stay here though. Chris can take you home after you got them.”

 

Juha licked his lips, but he didn’t manage to say anything. He had hoped that would happen, but hadn’t really been expecting it yet. “Are you serious?” he asked eventually and looked at the surgeon.

 

The doctor nodded. “You can leave in the morning after we ran some last tests.”

 

Juha squeezed Chris’ hand hard and his lover yelped in surprise. “Anteeksi,” Juha offered and then a huge smile surfaced on his face. “I’m getting out!”

 

Chris’ grin equaled Juha’s. “Yes, you are. Isn’t that great?”

 

“You need to call Mikko and Matti!” Juha was growing excited. “They can pick us up!” He was going home! He was finally getting out of the hospital.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a smile like that,” Chris whispered and kissed Juha on the lips.

 

“I’m happy,” Juha replied, but then his expression grew troubled again.

 

Chris noticed that something was upsetting Juha and wondered what it was. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I wonder if…why… You know…my father…he hasn’t been to see me… Do you think…that…he has grown tired of me?” There, he had said it.

 

Doctor Auvo, realizing this was a private matter, stepped out of the room.

 

Chris knew this had been coming and he had his own theory why Niklas hadn’t contacted them in the last three days. “I’m afraid he feels guilty.”

 

Juha’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

 

“Do you remember that day when Mikko told me how he had taken care of you back then?” Chris waited until Juha had nodded and then added, “When they removed that drain later that day, I met Niklas in the corridor.”

 

Juha swallowed hard, suspecting what might have happened. “Did you get angry with him?”

 

“Just a little,” Chris admitted. “I didn’t mean to.”

 

Juha buried deeper in his blanket. “I don’t want to lose contact again. Can you call him? Ask him to drop by? If he says no, I’ll have to accept that, but…can you try?”

 

Chris nodded. “I will,” he promised. He didn’t want Juha to be unhappy. “Why don’t I invite him over for tomorrow? When you get home?” Hopefully that was a peace offering Niklas would accept. Chris knew he hadn’t done anything wrong – anything he needed to apologize for, but it was only proper that he took the first step.

 

~~~

 

Niklas stared at the caller ID on the display. It was Chris. He wasn’t sure if he should answer it. He knew Juha was doing better, since he had talked to doctor Auvo that morning and he also knew that his son was being released the next day. So if there was nothing wrong, why was Chris calling? In the end, his curiosity won out and he answered the call. “Niklas here.”

 

“It’s me, Chris…”

 

“Is something wrong with Juha?” He had to make sure his son was fine!

 

“Juha’s doing okay. He’s excited about going home tomorrow. But…”

 

“But what?” Niklas, who had been reclining in his favorite lounge chair, sat upright. Was something wrong after all?

 

“Juha wonders if you’d like to join us for lunch tomorrow. Since he’s being released, we’re throwing him a little party, Mikko, Matti and I. It would mean a lot to Juha if you were there too.”

 

Niklas grew nervous. “Chris, thanks for inviting me, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

 

“If this is about that little talk which we had… Yes, I was angry, but that anger has lessened. It was an unfortunate coincidence that you showed up that day. I was still upset because of the things Mikko had told me. If you really love Juha then come see him tomorrow.”

 

Niklas sighed. “I love my son, but… I hurt him so much in the past that I feel like I don’t have the right to be a part of his life now.”

 

“That’s nonsense and…Juha, don’t… Stay in bed… Don’t you dare… Yes, I’ll give you the phone… Just stay in bed!”

 

Niklas couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He *knew* how stubborn and convincing Juha could be if his son wanted to. Distancing himself from Juha all over again had been hard on him, but he had been convinced that he was doing the right thing. He refused to hurt Juha any longer.

 

“It’s Juha… Are you still there?”

 

Niklas drew in a deep breath and hoped he would make the right decisions. He knew that this was going to be an important talk. “I’m still here.”

 

“I…was wondering…why you stopped visiting… I miss you…”

 

Juha’s fragile, needy tone broke Niklas’ heart. “I’m sorry, son. I’m just trying to protect you. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

 

“If this is about your talk with Chris… He didn’t mean it that way! It was just very bad timing!”

 

Juha’s pleading got to Niklas. “He was right though. I utterly failed you.”

 

“Please, pappa… Don’t do this to me… Not again. I need you!”

 

Niklas closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Now that he was on the phone with his son, he realized that he didn’t want this to end. He wanted a relationship with his son. “Juha, I’m sorry that I made the same mistake again… Can you forgive me? I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting you, but…”

 

Juha released the breath he had been holding. “Please be there tomorrow, yes? I want you to be there when I get home.”

 

“I’ll be there,” Niklas promised. “And don’t worry about the mortgage, Juha. Chris took care of that. He told you, didn’t he?”

 

If the sudden change in topic surprised Juha, it didn’t show when he said, “Chris mentioned something like that, but I’m not sure I should believe him. Such a debt doesn’t go away all by itself. Chris, no, the phone is mine!”

 

Niklas grinned; easily imagining the way Chris was trying to regain control over the phone. “Juha, get some rest will you? I promise to be there tomorrow and then we’ll talk as much as you want.”

 

“All right then,” Juha said, giving in, but the pouting tone showed he didn’t really want to finish the conversation yet. “Don’t forget to be there though!”

 

“I’ll be there,” Niklas repeated, regretting the fact that he had made so many mistakes that he had to reassure his son time and time again. “Love you, son.” Niklas ended the conversation, placed his mobile phone on the coffee table next to him, and closed his eyes. He had almost made the gravest mistake in his life, misjudging the situation completely and he was grateful that Juha had called him on it.

 

~~~

 

Mikko ran toward Matti and almost knocked him off his feet. “He’s being released tomorrow!”

 

Matti understood at once. “Juha’s coming home?”

 

“Yes!” Mikko grinned like mad. “You know what that means, don’t you?”

 

“Luring Harmaa away from the bed,” Matti said and sighed. “I’m going to buy leather gloves for she *will* scratch.”

 

“We can try to lure her with food?” Mikko suggested.

 

Matti nodded. “We’ll try that first, but if that fails…”

 

“Then we have to go in and fight!”

 

~~~

 

“I can’t sleep,” Juha whispered into Chris’ ear. It had just dawned on him, that although there were two beds, they had only used one – his.

 

“If you don’t sleep, the night will seem even longer,” Chris told him. The light on the nightstand was on and he saw the excited shimmer in Juha’s eyes. Everything was right in Juha’s world again; he was allowed to go home and his father had promised to be there. “I can distract you, if you want that.” His hand moved lower, down Juha’s abdomen and toward his lover’s groin. He grinned at the way Juha’s eyes widened in shock.

 

“But we’re at the hospital! Chris, you can’t… Oh…” Juha bit on his bottom lip, trying hard not to yelp when Chris’ fingertips teased against his member. “Chris, we can’t! Not here! You can’t… Ah…” Chris’ fingers curled around his hardening cock and Juha found it increasingly difficult to resist the sweet temptation. He couldn’t believe Chris was doing this!

 

“Why don’t you simply enjoy this? It’ll help you sleep.” Chris brushed Juha’s lips tenderly and continued to stroke. There was no reason to rush this. Licking along Juha’s top lip, his thumb rubbed against the head of Juha’s cock, which had fully hardened. Juha’s eyes had turned foggy and a distant look had appeared in them. The redhead was obviously enjoying this in spite of his anxiety. “No one will walk in on us. Just relax.” He timed his strokes with his words and then slipped his tongue inside Juha’s mouth. Juha quickly surrendered to his touches and inched closer still. It never ceased to amaze Chris to see the redhead react so passionately to his every touch. “Come for me, baby.”

 

“Don’t…call…me…that…” Juha groaned and reached his peak. He needed a moment to compose himself and then shot Chris a look. “You’re impossible! Look at the mess you made.”

 

Chris grinned. “Want me to call that cute nurse so she can clean you up?” For one second Juha gave him a totally horrified look and he burst out laughing. “Oh, baby, I’d never embarrass you like that. I’ll clean you up myself.”

 

“You’re mean to me!” Juha pouted. “You should be sweet instead. After all, I’m not well.”

 

Chris grinned. “Hey, I *am* sweet! I just brought you to orgasm, you little tease.”

 

Juha nibbled on his bottom lip. “Yes, that *was* sweet, but don’t do it again. I’d die if someone walked in on us!” He raised his hand and stroked Chris’ hair, which was still messy because he hadn’t bothered to style it. He cuddled closer and closed his eyes. “Maybe I can sleep now.”

 

Chris grinned knowingly. “Works every time, doesn’t it?”

 

Juha tiredly smiled against Chris’ chest and then dozed off.

 

~~~

 

“Are you ready? Mikko and Matti should be here any moment now.” Chris shook his head at seeing Juha fuss over his bag. His lover was still in bed, but he had insisted he packed his bag himself claiming Chris would make a mess. Well, his own bag was a mess, but contrary to Juha, he didn’t mind. “Missing anything?” Chris’ heart missed a beat when Juha looked at him and gave him a blinding smile. He was grateful that Juha was bouncing back so quickly. Although physically Juha was still weak, his emotional state had greatly improved.

 

“I’m ready to go!” Juha’s expression however darkened when a nurse moved in with a wheelchair. “Is that necessary?”

 

She nodded. “Hospital policy.”

 

Juha knew he had to play by the rules if he wanted out. He placed the bag onto the floor and then tried to move from the bed into the wheelchair.

 

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” Chris moved over to Juha and stopped him. “Remember what the doctor said: you’re supposed to take things easy!”

 

“Chris, I’m merely getting into a wheelchair!” Amused, Juha shook his head. He couldn’t be cross with Chris, knowing his lover meant well.

 

“Yes, you are, but not on your own!” Chris helped Juha slide over onto the wheelchair. “Is everything fine? Are you dizzy, or…?” He always kept in mind that Juha’s surgery had been major. They had drilled a hole in his skull and had removed a tumor!

 

“Chris, I’m fine.” Juha placed a hand on Chris’ arm and squeezed.

 

Chris wasn’t really convinced, but let it slide, also because their transport had arrived. “Hei! Matti! Mikko!” He walked over to them and hugged them. “Juha’s ready to go.”

 

Mikko grinned. “Growing impatient, is he?”

 

Chris nodded. “You have no idea!” He walked back to Juha and started pushing the wheelchair.

 

“Wait one moment,” Mikko said and reached inside the bag he was carrying. “It’s warm and sunny out there, but I’m not taking chances.” Mikko draped a coat over Juha’s shoulders and wrapped a bandana cautiously around the bandaged head. He grinned when Juha glared at him. “You don’t like pink?”

 

Chris had recognized the bandana, which belonged to him. The pink however didn’t match well with Juha’s hair and the combination looked appalling. “Oh, I want a picture of that.” Juha swatted his stomach, but since his lover was still rather weak, he barely felt the punch. “Au,” he said nonetheless and pretended being injured. “Be careful or I might have to stay here!”

 

“You’d better not!” Juha said in a warning voice. “Wheel me out of here!”

 

Chris relented and pushed the wheelchair into the corridor. Several nurses waved goodbye or wished them well. Then they were finally outside and Juha closed his eyes against the blazing sun. Chris quickly wheeled him over to the car, and after Mikko had opened the door, he lifted Juha and placed him in the backseat.

 

“I’ll return it,” Matti offered and marched away, pushing the wheelchair.

 

“Are you comfortable?” Chris asked, fussing over Juha, who swatted at his hand.


“Stop doing that! You’re…. Argh!”

 

Chris grinned. “Don’t tell me that my tender, loving care is getting on your nerves?” He slid into place next to Juha who leaned heavily against him.

 

Juha rested his head against Chris’ shoulder, and after Matti had joined them again, Mikko started the engine and started driving home. Juha took Chris’ hand in his and rubbed the fingers. The last IV needle had been removed before he had been released. “Chris, I’m not used to being pampered in that way. Yes, Mikko took care of me back then, but this is different. You’re my…my lover…my partner… I’m amazed I still have one! I really thought…I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had become fed up with –“

 

Chris silenced him with a kiss and looked Juha in the eye. “We belong together. Accept that. Believe it.”

 

Juha closed his eyes, relaxed, and simply accepted Chris’ words as the truth.

 

~~~

 

Juha bit hard on his bottom lip when Chris insisted he carried him inside. Juha wanted to protest strongly, but the look in Chris’ eyes told him that it would be in vain. He surrendered to his fate and allowed Chris to carry him inside.

 

Chris however grinned. “I’m carrying you across the threshold,” he said and wiggled an eyebrow. Juha merely sighed and shook his head, causing Chris’ grin to broaden further. /Well, / he thought, /I know you don’t believe me, but we’re going to get married…in our very own way! /

 

Inside the living room, another surprise awaited Juha. Niklas was already there and Ville had joined them too. They had even made a ‘welcome home’ sign. Juha fought against the tears rising in his eyes. “That’s…” Speechless, he buried his face against Chris’ chest.

 

Harmaa jumped from the couch and walked toward them and pressed herself against Chris’ legs. She purred and raised her head. She seemed ready to jump, but then reconsidered.

 

“Someone missed you!” Chris carefully placed Juha onto the couch. “Want to sit up, or lie down?” He suspected he already knew the answer though.

 

“Sit up.” Juha’s gaze shifted to the floor and then Harmaa jumped onto the sofa. She climbed onto his lap and pressed her body against Juha’s abdomen. He stroked her fur and she purred even louder. In the end she settled down on his lap and rested her head on her front legs.

 

“I’m glad you’re home,” Matti said. “She was in such a bad mood that she sacred us. In the end, we had to wear leather gloves because we had to remove her from your bed.”

 

Niklas sat down next to his son and when Juha’s gaze met his, he smiled reassuringly. “I’m glad you called.”

 

“I want you here… In my life. Do you understand that?” Juha stared at his father with hope in his eyes.

 

“I finally get it. I’m not leaving you ever again and I want you to have this.” He placed a piece of paper in Juha’s hand.

 

Juha blinked and then frowned. Harmaa objected when he stopped stroking her fur, but he needed both hands to unfold the piece of paper. It was the deed to their house. “I don’t…understand…” Looking for an answer, he stared at his father. “It’s in my name, but…”

 

“Chris didn’t seem to mind… And you can always add Chris as co-owner of the house… I arranged for the mortgage to be taken care of and don’t give me that look! I merely used the money your Helsinki apartment fetched. I should have transferred that sum onto your account at any rate!”

 

“I can’t accept this,” Juha whispered and looked at his father. “It’s too much. You already paid for my surgery and the treatment and now this… It’s too much.”

 

“Juha, it’s only money and God knows I’ve got enough of that!” Niklas closed Juha’s fingers around the paper. “Please, it’s my way to make amends. You’d make me happy if you’d accept this.” Juha looked helplessly to Chris for advice.

 

“Accept it if it means that much to your father.”

 

Juha bowed his head, thought everything over, and then raised his head. “Okay, I accept…”

 

Niklas carefully embraced his son and smiled. “Good,” he said, kissed Juha’s brow, and then made way for Chris, who was giving him hungry looks. It was obvious that Chris craved sitting next to his son.

 

“We made some snacks…” Mikko said, helping Juha out when he realized his friend didn’t like being the center of attention. “Anyone hungry?” Niklas and Matti joined him and they started to eat.

 

Ville made his way over to Juha and pulled up a chair. “I’m relieved that you’re doing better.” The last time he had seen Juha the older man had had a seizure.

 

“Me too, believe me,” Juha said and smiled at the blond. He hadn’t expected to find Ville here.

 

“I hope you don’t mind me showing up. I just wanted to let you know that Harmaa’s yours now. She obviously picked you as her new owner and I’m fine with that. I know that she’ll have a good life here,” Ville said.

 

Another gift? Juha swallowed hard. He loved Harmaa, but had tried hard not to grow attached to her, knowing she would leave once Ville returned and now the blond was telling him that she was his? “Are you sure?”

 

“Let me demonstrate,” Ville said and tried to pick up Harmaa. She instantly hissed at him in warning. “There’s no way she’ll go home with me.”

 

Juha was surprised to hear the feline hiss that angrily. “I didn’t know…” He hadn’t realized she had become so attached to him. “In that case, thank you… I’ll take really good care of her.”

 

“I know you will.” Ville got to his feet and joined the others, eager to try one or two snacks himself as he was hungry.

 

Chris realized that Juha felt overwhelmed. “It’s a bit much all at the same time, isn’t it?” Juha squeezed his hand and nodded. “It makes them happy though and their gifts come from the heart. It’s okay to accept them.”

 

Juha leaned heavily against Chris and considered his lover’s words. In his heart, he knew Chris was right, but accepting these gifts was still hard on him. “I’ll work on it,” he promised. Chris rubbed his shoulder and Juha closed his eyes, feeling tired. With one hand, he continued to stroke Harmaa and with his other, he rubbed his lover’s fingers, feeling completely at ease and loved.

 

~~~

 

“And? Happy to be back in your very own bed?” Chris watched Juha position his pillows around him and then the redhead buried beneath the comforter. It was good to see Juha in his element again. Until that very moment, Chris hadn’t really registered how much ‘home’ their house had become and he understood why Juha had been so worried about losing it. Although they’d only lived there for six months, it had become home in every sense of the word.

 

“Very happy. You have no idea how glad I am to be back here.” Juha reclined into the pillows and then patted the space next to him. He had removed that lovely pink bandana that Mikko had wrapped around his head and his red hair was spread across the pillows.

 

“And I’m very happy to have you in my bed again,” Chris said and cuddled up to his lover. After studying Juha for a few minutes, he asked, “Do you think the worst is behind us? Or do you except trouble ahead? You seem to react well to this molecular therapy.” Doctor Auvo had been right when he had said that this method of treatment would be less draining on Juha, and even if Niklas hadn’t paid for it, he would have found the money – somewhere, somehow – to pay for it.

 

“I believe we dealt with the worst. Now that surgery has been successful and the tumor is gone…” Juha didn’t finish, instead he sighed contently as he moved into Chris’ arms. “You heard what doctor Auvo said. I should be on my feet again in two to three months.”

 

“That’s when Negative’s tour ends. The gang will be back by then!” Good… Chris grinned wickedly. Ever since the idea of somehow binding himself to Juha had come up, he had been thinking about the right circumstances to do so. He realized he wanted all of his friends to be there – Jonne and Jack in particular. If he went with that, he’d also have enough time to come up with some original idea. He didn’t want a church wedding – that was out of the question since he wasn’t religious to begin with. And they couldn’t get legally married in Finland anyway, so… He was thinking of some sort of ceremony and for some reason he wanted it to be outside – near a lake, with clear skies and lots of green around him. Yes, that would be nice!

 

“Hey, what’s gotten you so far away? What are you thinking of?”Juha frowned at seeing the distant expression in Chris’ eyes. Was his lover daydreaming? And if that was the case, what about?

 

“Just thinking,” Chris said evasively. “Are you comfortable?”

 

Juha nodded and rested his head against Chris’ shoulder. Harmaa jumped onto the bed and settled down in-between them, against his abdomen. It was good to be back – this felt familiar – this was home.

 

TBC

 

Part 4

Love is the word
you gave it a name

 

 

Mikko couldn’t help himself: he had to make sure Juha was fine before he went to sleep himself. He didn’t knock, as he didn’t want to wake them should they be asleep already, and peeked around the corner. Juha was soundly asleep in Chris’ arms and the black-haired man was snoring softly. Both looked perfectly at ease and Mikko closed the door again.

 

He headed for the guestroom and found Matti already tucked between the covers. It had become ‘normal’ for them to share the bed and both stuck to their side. In a way, it was nice to have company. When he had cared for Juha that first time, he hadn’t had any support, save from his mother.

 

“Are they fine?” Matti asked, but he didn’t bother to open his eyes.

 

“They’re both asleep and Harmaa cuddled up with them.” Mikko removed his clothes, slipped into a T-shirt, and lay down on his side of the bed. He turned toward Matti and studied the other man. “So what are you going to do now that Juha’s over the hill? Stick around or move back to Tommi’s apartment?”

 

Matti needed a moment to think Mikko’s question over. “If Chris and Juha don’t mind then I’ll stay. I don’t think it’s okay for me yet to be alone in Tommi’s apartment. And I must admit I like their company, and yes, yours too. And what will you do?”

 

“I’ll stay for a few more days, and if everything goes well, then I might move back into Antti’s apartment. Chris and Juha will want some privacy and I need to take a step back. Juha has Chris now. I understand that I’m not his sole caregiver this time around.”

 

“Hey, you can always visit, or if you get lonely, give me a call.” Matti understood why Mikko wanted to increase the distance a bit. Juha had a lover and Chris had risen to the occasion. “They’re good for each other, don’t you agree?” Mikko nodded and Matti added, “I’d never thought that Chris would end up with someone like Juha. Don’t get me wrong, I like Juha! He’s a great guy, but… I always thought Chris would end up with some blond with huge tits!”

 

Mikko laughed and quickly covered his mouth with his hand as he didn’t want his laughter to wake Juha. “Well, in that case you really were wrong!”

 

Matti didn’t mind though; he had seen the way Chris and Juha interacted – it was obvious that they loved each other.

 

~~~~

 

“Chris, let me go to the bathroom! Remember, Auvo said I was allowed short trips to the bathroom and it’s only a few feet away!”

 

After only two days, Juha was already driving him crazy. Chris appreciated the fact that Juha was trying to get back to his feet, but felt it might be a bit too early. And once Juha managed to walk short distances, the redhead wouldn’t allow him to carry him around anymore. And Chris had realized he liked holding Juha in his arms. “I’ll keep a close eye on you though!”

 

Juha was fine with that, as long as he got his chance to walk about. He pushed back the covers, swung his feet onto the floor, and drew in a deep breath. Every now and then he still experienced some vertigo, but that was to be expected. Slowly, he pushed himself to his feet and placed his hand against the wall for support. He actually sensed Chris’ eyes on him, but pretended he didn’t.

 

Getting inside the bathroom took him a few minutes, but he made it there on his own and he felt proud because of it. After relieving himself and washing his hands, he splashed some water onto his face. He wanted the bandages gone too, but Auvo wouldn’t remove those for another two days. Well, he had to be patient.

 

“Are you okay?” Worried, Chris peeked around the corner.

 

“I’m fine!” Juha was tempted to throw the bath sponge at Chris, but then reconsidered. Chris meant well, even if his lover’s fussing frustrated him. “See? No problem at all!”Juha made his way back over to the bed and sat down.

 

Chris felt relieved once Juha was back on the bed. “That was enough moving about for today!”

 

“Don’t be like that! I did well, didn’t I?”

 

“Yes, you did, but… I don’t want you taking unnecessary risks!” Chris sat down next to Juha and caressed his lover’s face.

 

“Did Mikko leave yet?” Juha said, growing flustered beneath the caresses.

 

“Yes, he headed for Antti’s apartment ten minutes ago. He’ll visit tomorrow though. He has to work tonight.” Matti however had stayed and Chris liked it that way.

 

“What’s on your mind?”Juha’s eyes narrowed in thought.

 

“Matti’s been working on some songs and he asked me to help him.”

 

Juha nodded. He had started Matti off on the writing process. “Why don’t you?”

 

“I don’t want you to be alone. Something might go wrong and then…”

 

Juha sighed. “And what if I joined the two of you in the basement?”

 

Chris wasn’t sure about that. “That means you’d be moving about again.”

 

Juha however knew how to get his way. “I’ll let you carry me.” He had long realized that Chris liked that.

 

Chris considered Juha’s offer. “Fine, you can come along, but I’m carrying you and you’re not moving once I’ve you settled on the couch there.”

 

“I’ll be good,” Juha promised, pleased that his tactic had worked off.

 

~~~~

 

Chris caught Juha shivering and said, “I’m getting the comforter.”

 

“Chris, I’m fine!” Juha shook his head. Yes, he had shivered, so what? It was a bit chilly in the basement, but that didn’t mean Chris had to run upstairs!

 

“I’ll be right back! Matti, keep an eye on Juha for me!” Chris raced out of the room.

 

“He’s going to drive me crazy,” Juha said and sighed deeply.

 

“But you’ll bear it because you know he loves you,” Matti said and took hold of a guitar. He understood why Chris had run upstairs, seeing Juha shiver again. Harmaa, curled up in Juha’s arms, offered too little heat to warm the redhead up.

 

Chris returned and tucked the comforter around Juha’s form. “Better!”he exclaimed and placed a kiss onto Juha’s lips. “Tell me when the couch becomes uncomfortable and I’ll take you back to bed.”

 

Halfway hidden beneath the comforter, Juha whispered cheekily, “You’re just looking for a reason to carry me around again.”

 

“Maybe,” Chris admitted in a similar tone. After making sure Juha was comfortable, he picked up another guitar and sat down next to Matti. While the two of them worked on Matti’s songs, Chris kept a close eye on Juha. For the first ten minutes the redhead seemed interested in the melodies, but then the eyes closed and he dozed off.

 

“I can’t believe it,” Matti whispered. “How can he sleep with all this noise going on?”

 

“He’s tired,” Chris replied and shrugged. “Let’s jam some more. We won’t wake him.”

 

The two brothers exchanged a look and then started playing again.

 

~~~

 

“This is going to be your last injection for the time being. We’ll run some tests in a week and see if the results are satisfactory,” doctor Auvo said as he injected the last round of medicine into Juha’s vein.

 

Feeling fascinated, Juha watched closely as the transparent substance disappeared into his arm.

 

“You’ve made great progress this last month,” doctor Auvo said. “I’m glad that your father was able to pay for your therapy. I would have hated to see you go through chemo again, especially when a more…gentle… treatment is available.”

 

“But only for people with money,” Chris said with disdain in his voice.

 

Auvo nodded. “But that’s because it’s still experimental.” He removed the needle and pressed onto the wound until the bleeding had stopped. Then he put a bandage on the puncture. “I want you to come in on Friday, next week. Then we should be able to get some good results.” He moved back to his desk, made notes, and then closed Juha’s medical file. “Any marriage plans yet?” he couldn’t help but ask.

 

Interested in Juha’s answer, Chris’ gaze settled on his lover’s face.

 

Juha however was unaware of Chris’ probing look. “I haven’t heard anything new so I guess it’s off!”

 

“Now that would definitely be a pity,” doctor Auvo said. “Maybe you should propose instead?”

 

Juha’s eyes widened. “I?”

 

“I already proposed,” Chris clarified. “And Juha accepted, so there will be some sort of marriage!” Chris caught Juha’s gaze and winked at him.

 

Juha felt confused. Until that moment he had assumed Chris had only been kidding back then. “Are you serious?”

 

Chris raised an eyebrow. Puzzled, he asked, “How can you doubt that?”

 

Juha frowned and blinked repeatedly. “But it’s not legal!”

 

“Does it matter?” Chris rubbed the back of Juha’s hand and then pressed a kiss onto his ring finger. “It only matters that we know our love is true and that we want to commit to each other. Or am I wrong?”

 

“You’re not,” Juha whispered. ”I love you…”

 

“Good, then let me take care of everything.”

 

~~~~

 

“What’s this all about?” Juha asked. The big, sugar-glazed cake standing on the coffee table looked awfully tempting, and if it hadn’t been for Matti restraining Harmaa, the feline would have either attacked the cake or eaten it.

 

Chris had the grace to blush. “It’s been exactly one month since you got out of hospital and I thought we could celebrate a bit.” Although Juha could walk short distances unaided these days, Chris kept a hand at the small of Juha’s back as he guided the redhead over to the couch.

 

“Ah, that explains the single candle on it.” The – pink! – candle burned lazily and waited for Juha to extinguish it. Juha’s hand trembled within Chris’, but not because he wasn’t feeling well. Chris’ gesture touched him so much that he felt butterflies in his stomach. It was like falling in love all over again. “Thank you. This is sweet.” Kissing Chris, he sighed contently.

 

Chris enjoyed and deepened the kiss. “Why don’t you blow it out and wish for something?”

 

“Wish for what? I already have everything I want.”Juha rested a hand at the back of Chris’ neck and pulled him in for another kiss.

 

“Hei, either go upstairs or behave! I want to eat that cake!” Matti said, growing flustered as he watched them. If only Tommi were back home! But no, he had to wait for six more weeks to hold Tommi in his arms again.

 

“I’ll behave,” Juha said. “I want a slice of that cake too!” He hoped his stomach would be able to handle it though. He leaned forward, extinguished the candle, and gave Chris a smug look.

 

“What did you wish for?” Chris asked.

 

“You’re not supposed to tell! Otherwise your wish won’t come true!” Matti cautioned Juha.

 

“My wish already came true. Chris loves me.”

 

Chris’ blush deepened and he wondered how Juha still managed to make him feel like a teenager experiencing his first crush all over again.

 

~~~

 

“Morning,” Juha purred in Chris’ ear one month later. “I got something for you.”

 

Chris gave Juha a lopsided grin as he tentatively opened one eye. As far as he was concerned Juha could wake him like that each morning, but please not so damn early! It was only ten and they finally had a chance to sleep in late as there were no hospital visits due that week.

 

His nostrils twitched, drawing in the fragrance of freshly made coffee. Opening his other eye as well, Chris sat up, and noticed the tray on the mattress next to him. “You made me breakfast!”And then, “I told you not to tire yourself!”

 

Juha fluffed a pillow and placed it against the headboard before he reclined. “Matti didn’t allow me to do much to begin with!  He allowed me to switch on the coffee maker and make toast. That sums it up.”

 

“Matti’s smart then! He knows what’s good for him.” After yawning, Chris sat upright and placed the tray onto his lap.

 

“Why? Because you’d lecture him if he lets me do anything more than that?” Juha picked up his cup of tea and sipped. His stomach was beginning to accept more foods and he could finally manage some toast instead of the appallingly sweet porridge.

 

“And why did you make me breakfast in bed?” Chris asked as he buttered a slice of toast.

 

“Look at the candles. They might give you a hint,” Juha said, giggled, and bit off a chunk of the toast Chris had prepared for himself.

 

“Candles?” Ah, seeing the two candles next to his orange juice everything made sense. “It’s been two months since you were released from hospital.” Were they going to do this each month then? Chris wouldn’t mind surprising Juha regularly.

 

“I wanted to do something more…but… since I lost my job and have no income… I didn’t want to ask my father for money again so…”Juha fumbled the sleeve of his pajama top.

 

“Don’t worry about that! I like this even better!” Chris fingered a strand of Juha’s hair, which desperately needed to be dyed all over again. But as long as the scalp hadn’t healed completely, hair dye was out of question. “These two months passed by so quickly! And you know what? I cherished every minute!” These last two months meant so much to him because Juha had been returned to him – his Juha – his little tease. The speed with which Juha recovered hadn’t only surprised him, but doctor Auvo as well.

 

“Ville is coming over tonight,” Juha said. “He mentioned having some sort of surprise for us.” Harmaa, who had been cuddled close against Chris, woke up, and tried to steal some cheese from the breakfast tray. Indulging her, Juha allowed it.

 

“A surprise?”Chris frowned and couldn’t help wonder what that was.

 

~~~~

 

“Can you start up your computer for me?” Ville had arrived in time for dinner, and after eating one of the pizzas Chris had ordered, had started to become restless.

 

“You’ll have to ask Juha about that. I don’t know anything about computers.” Chris contently rubbed his abdomen.

 

Juha had heard Ville’s request and walked over to the computer standing in the corner. He literally felt Chris’ eyes cling to his back and he knew he was being watched. Chris was giving him more leeway to move about and do stuff, but the guitarist always stayed close. Juha had learned to live with that. Sitting down, he started up the computer, logged in, and made contact with the internet. “And now what?”

 

“Let me,” Ville said, and once he sat down, he started typing away, obviously looking for something.

 

Feeling lost, Juha shrugged his shoulders, and then Chris folded his arms around his waist, pulling him close. “Do you have any idea what he’s doing?” Juha asked.

 

“I don’t know,” Chris whispered.

 

“Ah, there it is…” Ville checked the time. “We still got a few minutes.”

 

Juha stared at the black screen. “Did you wreck it?”

 

“Just wait and see!” Ville got up, went into the kitchen, and got some coffee. “To be honest, it was Antti’s idea… So I really hope Mikko makes it in time!” The bass player had promised to join them, but was running late.

 

“What was Antti’s idea?” Matti asked after grabbing the last slice of his cooled down pizza. He liked cold pizza though. The doorbell rang and Matti offered to get it. When he returned five minutes later, Mikko accompanied him.

 

“What’s so important that I had to drop by?” Mikko asked Ville after greeting Chris and Juha.

 

“You’ll see! Just make yourselves comfortable on the couch and save a spot for me!” Ville clicked a link which had appeared at the bottom and then joined them on the sofa.

 

“The screen is still black,” Chris remarked, but Ville merely grinned. A moment later, that black screen became alive with flash lights and artificial fog. The first thing Chris recognized was the backdrop. They had exchanged the clown’s face for a classier one, featuring hundreds of lights. “Ville, what’s this?” He inched closer to the screen and then saw Jay, Antti, Lauri, and eventually Japa and Jonne appear on stage, being cheered on by a huge crowd of fans.

 

“Antti sent me a message, telling me that he wanted to surprise the lot of you. So he positioned a webcam near the stage. That way we can watch tonight’s show.” Hungrily, Ville stared at Lauri, who had taken up position to Jonne’s left.

 

Chris chuckled and shook his head. “Japa’s such a show off!”

 

“Especially with Jonne close!” Juha remarked. The show was only five minutes on its way and the two of them were already flirting heavily.

 

Although seeing them on stage was great, Chris wished he was there with them. He loved playing gigs. “Jack’s a worthy replacement,” he said after another few minutes. Jokingly he added, “They might want to keep him!”

 

“I doubt Sammy would like that.” Juha snuggled up to Chris and enjoyed watching the show the same way Chris did. It was great to see them live in action, but… “Don’t you wish you were there with them on stage?”

 

Chris sighed. “Sure, but I’d rather be with you.” He pressed a kiss onto the crown of Juha’s head, relishing the fact that the bandages belonged to the past now. He only made sure he didn’t go anywhere near the sensitive skin growing near the wound. He’d always choose to be with Juha – the younger man simply meant the world to him.

 

~~~

 

“Are you sure Juha is already up to this? I don’t want to exhaust him.” Chris stared at the two tickets in his hands and then raised his gaze to look at Niklas.

 

“We talked to doctor Auvo only yesterday, Chris, and he said it was okay, as long as Juha gets time to rest, remember?” Niklas patted Chris on the shoulder. “Traveling by train takes longer, but is way more comfortable for Juha than flying at the moment.”

 

“First class train tickets,” Chris said and chuckled. He should have known Niklas would upgrade them.

 

“And this is your room reservation. Use a taxi to get around.” Niklas also handed Chris the rest of the paperwork. “I hope the two of you will have a great time in Helsinki. Does Juha have any idea that you’re going to see Negative’s last tour gig?”

 

“He has no idea and I want to keep it that way!” Chris tucked everything safely into his bag. He would never have done this if doctor Auvo hadn’t given him the all clear. Now, three months after the operation, Juha was finally getting his energy back. The redhead still had to check in with his physician, but for now, the treatments were done with and he could fully focus on healing up.

 

Chris gave Niklas a thankful look. It meant a lot to him that he would be able to attend Negative’s last gig, even if only as a bystander from the backstage area, instead of rocking the stage.

 

~~~~

 

“Why are you packing?” Juha leaned against the doorway and gave Chris a quizzical look. “Are you going somewhere?” But Chris hadn’t told him anything! “How long will you be gone?”

 

Chris turned his head because he caught the anxious undertone in Juha’s voice. The green eyes had gone big and Juha’s bottom lip trembled. “Don’t worry. You’re coming along. You didn’t seriously think I’d leave you behind?” But that was exactly what Juha *had* thought. The expression in his lover’s eyes told him so! Each time when he thought they had done away with Juha’s insecurity, it showed again.

 

“Where are we going?” Juha moved toward the bed.

 

“Helsinki – for three days, so get packing!” Chris noticed the deep frown on Juha’s face and then explained, “It’s Negative’s last gig of the tour tonight and we’re going to be there – backstage, don’t worry. I won’t expose you to the screaming fans. We’ll hide backstage where it’s quiet.”

 

Juha wavered. It would be the first ‘big’ trip he would undertake since his surgery. Until then, he’d only had to go the hospital, and most of the time Matti had driven them. Was he really up for a two-hour train journey? Yes, he felt stronger these days, but…

 

“Hey, I’ll make sure you’re comfortable and you need to go outside again. You’ve been stuck inside the house for three months now. For a good reason, yes, but still, let’s do this, okay?”

 

Juha nodded. Chris knew damn well that he couldn’t deny him anything.

 

~~~

 

The train ride proved to be rather amusing. For some reason, which Juha eluded, Chris had first class tickets and all those classy, styled business men gave them odd looks when they made themselves comfortable. It amused Juha to no end when their tickets were checked and found in order. He loved seeing the shocked looks on their faces.

 

It took Chris a moment to figure out why Juha was grinning like that, but then he realized the impression they had to make on this business people. They would probably get the same reaction at the hotel reception since Niklas had booked them a four star hotel room.

 

~~~

 

“Did you see the look on his face?” Juha hooked his arm with Chris and laughed. “He looked like he would throw us out!”

 

“Or faint!”Chris joined in and laughed warmly. Yes, that had been quite the reception at the hotel. The receptionist had checked their reservation twice before handing out the key, and Chris suspected he had only done so because Niklas’ credit card covered the expenses.

 

They had been stared at after they had left their hotel room, all dressed up for the concert, which in Juha’s case meant wearing black, and in Chris’ case, wearing as many colors as possible but still making sure they didn’t clash.

 

“That bandana looks good on you,” Chris purred. Since Juha hadn’t wanted to go out bare headed, Chris had packed a very simple black bandana. “It really doesn’t show that much, you know.”

 

“What? That I desperately need to dye my hair or the bald spot?” Juha’s warm tone however indicated that he didn’t take it so seriously. However he *would* dye his hair the moment the doctor okayed it.

 

Chris carefully pressed a kiss onto the bandana hiding that spot. “It isn’t really bald anymore. When I checked it yesterday the hair had started to grow back.”

 

Juha felt happy at hearing that. “It’s a good sign! Hey, isn’t that the club they’re playing at?”

 

Realizing that there were still a large number of fans waiting outside, Chris put up the hood and tried to pass by without them noticing him. They were lucky. Thanks to Juha’s bandana the red hair didn’t attract much attention. Chris quickly got them inside and then backstage. “Yes, they didn’t see us!”

 

Juha laughed. “Since when are you on the run from your fans?”

 

“I’m not on the run! Not really. I just didn’t want them to see us. This is our evening, baby.”

 

Juha had given up breaking Chris from that habit and now accepted being called that, but that didn’t mean he enjoyed it. “Isn’t that Antti?”

 

“Antti!”Chris marched toward the bass player and embraced him.

 

Antti, who didn’t know at first what was going on tried to move away, but then recognized Chris. “I should have known it would be you grabbing me like that!” He hugged Chris in turn, said hei to Juha, and then guided them to the dressing room. “Hey, guys! Look who’s here!”

 

It was impossible to tell who was more eager to get his hands on Chris. Jonne and Jack both raced toward him, and in the end, Chris was being hugged by both of them. “Hey, calm down!”

 

Jonne pressed close once more and then let go. “It’s great seeing you again!” Then he turned toward Juha. His first reaction had been to hug the redhead too, but for some reason he worried he might somehow cause him discomfort. After all, Juha had gone through major surgery.

 

“Go ahead. He won’t fall apart if you hug him,” Chris said and pushed Jonne in Juha’s direction. “Lauri!” The curly-haired guitarist had walked up to him and now patted him on the shoulder. “Damn, it’s good to see you again!”

 

“And it’s good to see you! Jack’s a worthy replacement, but I miss having you on stage with me!” And he missed Ville too, but after the gig, the tour bus would head for Tampere and Ville would pick him up. It was only a matter of hours now before the two of them would be reunited.

 

“Nakki!” Chris walked over to the keyboarder and hugged him close, dragging Juha along.

 

Nakki cocked his head and mustered Juha. “I like your look!” This wasn’t surprising since Nakki had decided to wear a black bandana himself. “We could almost pass for twins!”

 

Chris chuckled. “But I’d still recognize *my* Juha!” Next, Chris greeted Jay and their manager. “Hei, Tommi!” he said, catching sight of the manager. “Are you traveling home tonight too? Because Matti finally moved his ass over to your apartment!”

 

Tommi nodded. He would head home that evening too. “So, are you guys ready for the show?” It was time to hit the stage.

 

Suddenly Jack turned toward him and Chris frowned at seeing the nervous expression on his friend’s face. “What’s wrong? You didn’t wreck the lady, did you?”

 

Jack shook his head. “I was wondering if you wanted to play the last gig. After all, you’re Negative’s guitarist, not me!”

 

“Jack, go out there and kick ass! I’m not playing tonight.“ He wanted to be close to Juha instead and it would be fun, seeing Jack on stage.

 

~~~

 

Chris kept his arms wrapped around Juha’s waist. A few front row fans had recognized him and were yelling at him to go onstage, but Chris ignored it. He was happy to be holding Juha.

 

Jack however had different ideas. Once ’One Last Shot’ had been finished, he marched backstage and grabbed hold of Chris. “Come on, you’re playing the last song.”

 

“But…” Chris looked to Juha for help.

 

“Oh please! Go out there and play, Chris!”Juha helped Jack drag Chris onto stage, where the guitarist received a deafening applause. “Go on, play.”

 

Jonne had seen Jack’s action and approved of it. Ending the show with Chris playing along would be perfect. “Sir Christus!” he yelled into his microphone and cheered the audience on, which started to scream even louder.

 

Chris gave in, basically because he didn’t want to stress Juha. “Fine, but just the last song!” He took hold of his pink lady and wanted to start playing ‘Naïve’ when he realized there was another song ending the set list. Why had Jonne changed it? Why were they playing ‘In My Heaven’ as the last song tonight?

 

Jonne didn’t bother to explain though and announced the last song to the audience. “In My Heaven,” he called out and wanted to whirl about when suddenly two strong arms folded around his waist. It was Jack and Jonne pressed back against him, enjoying the close contact *and* noticing the way Tommi kept giving him warning looks.

 

Although Chris loved rocking the stage with his band mates, he stayed close to Juha, who had retreated backstage; preferring to stay out of the spot light, but Chris was determined to change that once the song had ended.

 

Jonne sang the last note and the instruments faded. They had finally come to the end of their set and the fans screamed, applauded, and cheered them on, still demanding more. Chris however, removed his pink lady and went backstage. “Come here you.” Juha’s eyes widened, but Chris wasn’t swayed. He folded an arm around Juha’s shoulder and pulled him onto stage.

 

“Chris, what are you up to?” Juha felt confused and a bit lost. To his right, he caught Jonne slipping his tongue into Jack’s mouth.

 

“Hey, look at me! Not at Jonne and Japa!”Chris turned Juha’s head toward him and rested his hand at the nape of the redhead’s neck. “Give me a kiss.” He didn’t give Juha time to find a way to get out of it, and pressed his lips onto his lover’s, recalling Juha doing the same thing to him almost a year ago. Deepening the kiss, he caressed Juha’s neck. The redhead gave into the kiss and stopped holding back.

 

Tommi, who had returned to the edge of the stage to make sure Jonne didn’t go further with Japa, realized he had another problem, namely Chris trying to get into Juha’s pants. In the end, Tommi shrugged. “Oh, what the fuck! Just let them!”

 

TBC

 

Part 5

Just let me love you

and I will learn to love you right

I lived only for the moment

For this moment of our love

with you

with you

 

“Chris, I think I found it!” Matti gave his brother a conspiring look and gestured Chris to follow him into the living room. Juha was rummaging about in the kitchen cabinets searching for pasta and Matti wanted to talk to his brother without Juha listening in.

 

“What? Where? How?” The eager gleam in Matti’s eyes made Chris’ excited in turn.

 

“The ring, of course, you nitwit! What did you think!” Matti shook his head. They had been on this mission for two months now – the mission being getting everything organized for the ceremony Chris wanted to have. And everything happened behind Juha’s back. The redhead had no idea just how far their plans had progressed.

 

“Do you have a picture of it?”Chris asked curiously.

 

“No, but tomorrow I’ll take you to the antique’s store where I saw it. I think it really fits Juha’s character. It’s a lovely gold ring with a red stone in its setting.” Matti was rather pleased with this discovery. They needed to find the right ring for Juha quickly because Chris had made arrangements for them to stay at a lake-side cabin in a few days.

 

“I’ll check it out tomorrow.” Chris peeked around the corner and found that Juha was grating some cheese. A sigh stole from his lips; he loved seeing his lover so relaxed and at peace. During these last two months, Juha had continued to grow stronger and was even looking into new job possibilities, which Chris cunningly sabotaged. He was convinced that the money Negative earned him would pay their bills, especially since the mortgage had already been paid. He rather hoped that Juha would spend more time in their recording studio to write songs for Reflexion. Matti’s songs were finished and Juha was helping along with fine tuning them.

 

“And what about the rest? Have all reservations been made? And everyone knows the route to the lake?” Chris asked.

 

“I took care of everything. You have no idea how excited Jonne and Jack are. Jonne spontaneously hugged and kissed me when I told him what you planned on doing.”

 

Chris looked around the corner again. Juha was still busy – good. “We’ll head into town tomorrow and we’ll have a look at that ring.”

 

“Chris? Matti? Where are you?” Juha had turned about and found himself alone in the kitchen.

 

“Over here!” Chris quickly dragged Matti back into the kitchen. “Dinner ready yet?” He had to be careful. Juha suspected something was up, but so far the redhead had no idea what he had planned for him.

 

“Almost.” Juha frowned. Why did Matti and Chris look so excited? It was the only way to describe the expression on their faces.

 

Chris sat down and Matti followed his example. Both hoped Juha hadn’t caught on.

 

~~~~

 

Niklas suffered from a guilty conscience. Juha had come to him because he worried about Chris being so secretive and his son had actually asked for his advice. Niklas would have felt proud for his son turning to him, but not this time. He knew what Chris was up to, but Chris had also asked him not to tell Juha yet. Chris wanted to surprise Juha, and Niklas understood that and even approved of the idea, but… He hated seeing Juha so confused.

 

“I really don’t understand it. This morning Chris and Matti left secretively. They only left me a note, saying they would be back for lunch and that was it. Normally Chris isn’t like that. He would want me to tag along!” Juha started to bite his fingernails, a nervous habit that still showed sometimes.

 

Niklas caught his son’s hand in his and rubbed the palm. “He loves you! Don’t worry!”

 

“That’s easier said that done.” Juha bit on his bottom lip now that he could no longer nibble on his fingernails. “I *am* worried. Did I do something wrong? Has he grown tired of me?”

 

Okay, things had gone far enough, Niklas judged. He didn’t want Juha to think that his son had done something to drive Chris away. He had to be careful though. He couldn’t tell Juha he was in on the secret, because then Juha might become angry with him. “Want me to tell you what I think is going on?” Juha nodded and Niklas carefully considered his next words. “He proposed, didn’t he? Maybe he’s getting something ready… Planning something?”

 

Juha gave his father a skeptical look. “It’s nonsense! We can’t marry! It’s not legal!”

 

“Well, you don’t need it to be legal… Isn’t it the thought that counts?” The moment he had said that, Niklas watched Juha’s eyes widen.

 

“Do you really think he’s planning something? Without telling me?”Juha wasn’t sure if he should feel cross with Chris or flattered.

 

“I got to know Chris a little these last few months and I don’t think he’s the kind of person who would propose and then let it slide. Maybe you should play it safe and get him a ring?”

 

“A ring?”Juha stared at his father as if Niklas had grown a second head. “Are you really saying I should start looking for a wedding band for Chris?”

 

Niklas shrugged. “I would, if I were in your shoes.”

 

Juha frowned and gave his father a probing look. “What do you know?”

 

Niklas quickly averted his gaze. “I told you everything I could, and that was already too much.”

 

“Chris is preparing our wedding? But… that’s… no!” Juha felt bewildered. “He *does* know we can’t get married officially?”

 

Niklas nodded. “Juha, about that ring…” He looked at his ring finger where he wore two wedding bands – his own and the one that had belonged to Juha’s mother. “I don’t know if it’s Chris ‘style, or something he would wear, but…” He removed his former wife’s ring and placed it in the palm of Juha’s hand. “You might have to alter it so it fits Chris’ finger, but any jeweler can do that.”

 

Juha stared at the ring in disbelief. It was a silver ring, very skillfully crafted in the form of delicate Celtic knots. “But you always wore mother’s wedding band!”

 

“Helena would want you to have it,” Niklas said thoughtfully. “I know it isn’t as fancy as the jewelry Chris usually wears, but… If you want it…”

 

“I do, but… Are you sure you want to be without it?” Juha wasn’t sure he should accept.

 

Niklas nodded again. “The time is right to take this step. I want you to have it, if you think it would suit Chris.”

 

Juha closed his fingers over the ring and pressed the metal into his palm. “Pappa, I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Then don’t say anything at all.” Niklas pulled Juha in for a hug. “Just enjoy the things you have.”

 

~~~

 

“I almost got caught,” Chris said and Matti laughed, which vexed Chris. “Hey, I had to know what kind of rings he likes!”

 

“So he caught you going through his jewelry collection? Chris, you need to be more careful!” Amused, Matti parked the car close to the antique store where he had seen the ring in question. “He’ll catch on!”

 

“He won’t. As it isn’t legal here for two men to get married, he doesn’t think I’m going to follow through.” Chris was already looking forward to seeing the look on Juha’s face when he would put the ring on his finger. “So this is it?” Chris walked over to the store and waited for Matti to catch up with him.

 

“I think it’s perfect, but it’s your decision, of course.” Matti opened the door and guided Chris to that section of the store where he had seen the ring.

 

Stalled out in a black velvet show case were several rings, but only one of them drew Chris’ attention. There was no need for Matti to point out the ring to him his brother wanted him to see – he knew straight away which one it was. It wasn’t exactly a wedding band, but Chris was okay with that. He wanted a ring that would fit Juha and not a plain, silver or gold wedding band. “You’re right. It’s perfect.”

 

“Can I help you?” A saleswoman appeared and smiled winningly at her customers. The hungry looks on their faces told her there was profit to be made here.

 

“Can I see that ring from up close?” Chris pointed the ring out to her and she moved it from the case onto the counter. Chris greedily looked at it, and when she placed it in his hand, he raised it so he could study it even better.

 

“It’s an antique,” she said. “Probably made in the late eighties of the eighteen century. This extraordinary ring has one deftly polished garnet at its center. There are eleven smaller garnet stones set around that main piece. Its mounting consists of solid 9 ct yellow gold. Isn’t it lovely? I’ve been tempted to purchase it myself, but it’s not my size. My fingers are too thin.”

 

Chris experimentally slipped the ring at his ring finger and it fit. He had tried some of Juha’s rings to get a feel for the size he needed to get and had discovered that they shared their ring size. If this ring fit him, it would also fit Juha.

 

“It’s perfect, don’t you think?” Matti felt smug for having discovered it.

 

“And the color is perfect too. It’s same as his hair.” Chris sighed appreciatively. No matter what it cost, he had to have it!

 

Matti asked, “What’s the prize?”

 

“It’s an antique and we had it taxed at three hundred and sixty euro.” She could tell that he wanted it, but the prize might be a bit too much, judging from the scruffy clothes he wore.

 

“I want it.” Chris opened his carrying bag and searched until he’d found his credit card. “Here, put it on there.”

 

She took his card and went towards the counter where she checked it. After it had come through as valid, she taxed the card and returned to her customers. “Do you want it gift-wrapped?” she asked as she put the ring in a box, lined with red satin.

 

“That won’t be necessary.” Chris took hold of the jewelry box and felt victorious. “Kiitos, Matti. I wouldn’t have found it on my own!” This was a store he never frequented!

 

“You’re welcome! I’m glad you like it!” Matti stepped onto the street first and then suggested, “Want some coffee?”

 

“Yes, let’s go for a drink. I want to go over everything one last time to make sure I didn’t miss anything.”

 

~~~

 

During the rest of that week, Juha paid close attention to Chris’ activities, but didn’t encounter anything that fed his suspicions. He had safely put his mother’s wedding ring away and with each passing day, he grew more convinced that his father had gotten it wrong. Everything was ‘normal’ and Chris was no longer making any trips without him.

 

Then, on Friday evening, something odd happened. Juha entered their bedroom and found Chris packing his suitcase. “Are you off on another trip?”

 

“We both are!” Chris placed Juha’s suitcase onto the bed and opened it. “Start packing. And pack warm! It’s cold where we’re going.”

 

Dumbfounded, Juha stared at Chris wide-eyed. “We’re going away? Why? Where to? And why don’t I know anything about that?”

 

“No questions asked! Just pack warm! We’re leaving in half an hour.”

 

“Thirty minutes?”

 

Chris laughed at seeing the dazzled expression on his lover’s face. In order to reassure the redhead, he leaned in closer and kissed him on the lips. Then he frowned. Something was different about Juha. Then it dawned on him. The hair had been trimmed and dyed. It was a blazing red once more. “Looks good on you.”

 

Juha grew flustered and whispered a thank you. “Doctor Auvo told me that my scalp had healed enough for me to dye it. So I went to the hairdresser today.”

 

“Red suits you!” And it was still the same red as the garnet on the ring. “Start packing. Matti and Tommi will be here in thirty minutes and we should be ready.”

 

Mechanically Juha started to pack, but he still felt bewildered. “Are you telling me where we’re headed?”

 

“All you need to know that it might be chilly there and that we’re going to stay there for a week. That’s it.” Chris gave his lover a wink and then resumed packing his suitcase. After they’d had their ceremony, Chris wanted to stay at the lake and relax – it would be their honeymoon.

 

Once Juha had finished packing, he walked over to the dresser and opened a drawer. He wasn’t sure why he slipped the box containing his mother’s wedding ring into his pocket, but something told him it might be a smart thing to do.

 

~~~~

 

Tommi shook his head. “Matti, you should have given Juha a word of warning! Some hint! What will happen if he stands there, realizing he has no ring to give to Chris in turn?” Although he liked the idea of them having a ceremony, he worried about Juha’s reaction to it.

 

“I doubt Chris will mind,“ Matti said. He’d wanted to add more, but at that moment Juha and Chris stepped out of the house, carrying a suitcase each. “Here they are!”

 

Chris and Juha walked over to Tommi’s car and placed their suitcases into the trunk. They slipped into the backseat and then Juha exploded. “What’s this about? I demand someone tells me! All Chris told me is to pack warm clothes!”

 

Matti grinned. Yes, it would be chilly at the lake during this time of the year, but he doubted Juha would be much outside. He suspected Chris would keep Juha in the bed for most of their stay there. “I don’t know a thing,” he said and started to drive.

 

“And how come you know what direction to head in?” Juha said in a sulking voice as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

 

“A bird told me,” Matti deadpanned.

 

Tommi, looking over his shoulder at Chris, who was dressed in red and pink, added, “A pink bird did.”

 

At hearing that, Juha stared accusingly at Chris. He really wanted to know what was going on!

 

~~~

 

“Please don’t be like this,” Chris pleaded. “I want us to have a good time.”

 

Juha glanced out of the window and at the moving landscape, which had changed. They had left the city and were heading toward the lakes. “Why don’t you tell me where we’re going?”

 

“To the lakeside where I used to fish a lot in the past. It’s beautiful out there, but a bit chilly.” Chris hoped the information would please Juha.

 

“And why are we going there, Chris?”

 

Chris wasn’t sure he shouldn’t tell yet and sought out Matti’s gaze in the rearview mirror. Matti nodded, indicating Chris should tell Juha, but Chris decided against it. He really wanted to surprise Juha. “Please trust me when I say that I have your best interest in mind?”

 

Chris’ answer didn’t please Juha at all, but he stopped sulking. He wasn’t going to achieve anything at any rate by doing so.

 

~~~~

 

Juha got his next surprise when they drove up to a cabin situated next to the lakeside. There were about five cars already parked there and he realized it wouldn’t be just the four of them. “Chris?”

 

“You’ll find out shortly, baby.” Chris kissed Juha on the lips and then exited the car. Juha followed suit, picking up his suitcase too. Then the four of them headed toward the cabin.

 

Juha’s gaze had settled on the cars and he recognized Mikko’s. So his friend was also there, probably having dragged Antti along too. And the Royce, that one belonged to his father. “Chris!” He came to a stop and dropped his suitcase onto the hard earth. “Tell me!”

 

Chris chuckled. “I will, but come inside first. It’s chilly out here.”

 

Juha realized he wouldn’t achieve anything if he stayed outside, moping, so he picked up his suitcase and followed Chris with a grim expression on his face. He would let his lover exactly know what he thought of all this secrecy!

 

Matti grinned at seeing Juha shooting daggers at Chris’ back. Things would turn out more interesting than he had thought! Tommi and Matti reached the front door first and Antti opened it. Coming from the inside was a cacophony of voices. Stepping aside, they let Chris enter first and then Juha stepped inside.

 

“Hey, there they are! You’re late!” Mikko immediately headed over to his friends. The look on Juha’s face told him that his friend wasn’t in a good mood and he turned toward Chris. “You didn’t tell him? Chris!”

 

Chris shrugged. “I wanted it to be a surprise!” He put down his suitcase and shrugged out of his black, leather coat.

 

“I demand to know what’s going on and I want to know now!” Juha was going to put his foot down. And Chris had better confess up, or his lover would experience him throwing a real tantrum!

 

“Son, calm down.” Niklas walked up to Juha and took him into his arms.

 

“You’re a traitor,” Juha said. “You knew all along what was going on, didn’t you? Otherwise you wouldn’t be here! You knew!”

 

Niklas looked guilty. “I tried to give you a hint, remember?”

 

Juha frowned. “Give me a hint?” What was his father talking about?

 

Niklas’ gaze shifted to Chris. “Will you tell him now? Otherwise I will.”

 

Juha used that moment to look around to find out who was present. Jonne and Jack were holding hands. Antti was sipping some coffee and even Nakki and Jay were present. Ville and Lauri waved at him and Matti and Tommi had headed into the kitchen. Then, in the corner, he also made out Reiska, who was studying the etiquette on a vodka bottle. Why had everyone gathered here?

 

Chris palmed Juha’s cheek in his hand and turned his lover’s head toward him. “Okay, I’ll tell you.”

 

“At last!”Juha watched Chris expectantly. “So what is this all about?”

 

“Juha, you said yes when I proposed. Do you still feel that way?”

 

Juha’s eyes widened. “You’re not serious! You staged our wedding, didn’t you?” He quickly glared at his father. “You were in on this!”

 

“We all were,” Mikko admitted, growing a bit flustered because Antti’s hand was moving down toward his backside. “Behave,” he cautioned his lover, who promptly started to pout.

 

Chris drew in a deep breath and hoped Juha wouldn’t be angry with him. “I thought about it…. And, since we can’t legally get married, I wondered if…” He licked his lips and grew shy. “I like it here. It’s nice, peaceful, and quiet. Maybe here…”

 

“What Chris is trying to say, in his clumsy way,” Niklas said. “Is that he wants to have a ceremony here, speak vows, and exchange rings. You *did* bring the ring, didn’t you?” he asked Juha.

 

Juha nodded. “I packed it, not sure though why.”

 

Chris immediately listened up. “What ring?”

 

Juha sighed. Now everything made sense – including Chris’ odd behavior these last few weeks. “My mother’s wedding band. My father gave it to me, in case…” Ah, now he understood. His father had wanted to make sure he didn’t end up here without a ring. “So you want to marry me?” he said, addressing Chris and smiling deceivingly sweetly.

 

Chris’ mood immediately brightened. “Yes!”

 

“Care to tell me what’s going to happen now?”

 

“We have a little party, promise to love each other forever, exchange rings, and eat the cake Nakki’s made.” And if Nakki had made it, Chris could be sure it would taste great.

 

“And who’s going to be master of ceremonies? Since you don’t have a priest, someone else should be in charge!” Nakki said.

 

Mikko shrugged when Chris’ gaze settled on him. “What? If anyone should do it then Juha’s father.”

 

But Niklas shook his head. “You should, Mikko.”

 

Mikko stared at Niklas in shock. “Me? But I suck at things like that.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Chris said and then turned to Juha. “Come on, let’s get ready.” The look Juha gave him told him that his lover still had trouble accepting this. “Ah, don’t worry. Everything will work out in the end!”

 

~~~~

 

“Need some help? Or someone to talk to?” Jonne peeked around the corner and found Juha seated on the bed. The redhead looked rather lost.

 

“Yes, actually I do…”Juha moved to the side to make way for Jonne. Chris had sent him in here to get ready for the ceremony. Apparently the cabin had two bedrooms and Chris had chosen for them to get ready separately.

 

“Why so glum? Shouldn’t this be the best day of your life? Is the bride getting nervous?” Jonne asked, trying to make light of the situation and cheer Juha up.

 

“He should have told me. I feel…confused!”

 

Jonne nodded. “We tried to convince him to tell you, but he wanted it to be a surprise and it worked by the looks of it.” Jonne patted Juha’s back. “Don’t be cross with him. You know Chris means well.”

 

“But… He had all this time to prepare! He knows what to say and to do and I have no clue.”

 

“Just follow your heart. It didn’t lead you astray until now, did it?”

 

Jonne had made a valid point and Juha nodded. “You’re right. At least I have a ring!”

 

“Can I see it?”

 

Juha opened the box and showed Jonne. “It was my mother’s… I know it’s not fancy or expensive, but… It’s special to me and he’s the only person I ever want to wear it.”

 

“He’ll love it,” Jonne said and smiled reassuringly at the redhead. “Want to get ready?”

 

Juha chuckled. “I don’t have to wear a pink dress, do I?”

 

Jonne burst out into laughter. “Don’t worry! You don’t!”

 

~~~

 

“You finally got him hooked, didn’t you?” Jack slapped Chris on the back.

 

Chris grinned at his friend from over his shoulder. “I hope he’ll forgive me for setting him up.”

 

“I’m sure he will. Can I see the ring?” Jack had never expected Chris to take this step and it showed just how much Chris loved Juha.

 

Chris showed Jack the ring and Japa’s grin broadened. “It fits, don’t you think?” Chris asked.

 

Jack nodded. “Did you also think about your vows?”

 

Chris shrugged. “I tried, but I’m not good at writing things. I’ll let the moment take me.”

 

Jack hugged Chris close and patted his back. “You’ll do fine. I know you will.”

 

~~~~

 

Juha’s nervousness increased as he returned to the living room. He had allowed Jonne to brush his hair because the blond had insisted on disentangling it. He hadn’t really dressed up. He had merely slipped into a black shirt and black jeans. He was relieved that he didn’t need the bandana anymore and that his hair had been dyed. The long mane perfectly hid the spot where he was still missing some hair. He swallowed hard, realizing his friends had formed a circle and were gathering around him.

 

“You look great,” Chris whispered into Juha’s ear as he enfolded his lover in a hug from behind. “And soon you’ll be mine.”

 

“I’m already yours,” Juha said and turned in the embrace. Dressed in blue and purple, Chris looked enticing. “I know you prefer pink, but those colors suit you so much more!”

 

“Yes, you said so once.”

 

“And you remembered,” Juha realized.

 

Mikko coughed to clear his throat and to draw their attention. “Show’s happening over here, so…” He curled his finger, crooked it, and signaled them to join him. He had loudly protested overseeing the ceremony at first, but Niklas and Antti had managed to change his mind.

 

Chris took Juha’s hand in his, and as he walked over to Mikko, he checked if the box with the ring was still in his pocket. His greatest horror was to somehow lose it.

 

Mikko really had no idea what to say when Juha and Chris stood in front of him. “Hum, someone care to help?”

 

Antti called out, “Dearly beloved, we have gathered here…”


Everyone, including Juha, burst out laughing. “Antti, don’t,” Juha said, still chuckling, and then addressed Chris. “Ah, you really did it. I didn’t think you would. Does that mean I know you so badly?” Chris shook his head and Juha placed a finger across his lover’s lips to stop him from speaking up. “I didn’t mean it like that, baby.” Chris grinned and Juha caressed his face. “Can I go first? I’m so damn nervous!”

 

“Sure you can,” Mikko said, pleased that he *was* directing the ceremony after all, even if he only followed their hints.

 

Juha drew in a deep breath and stared into Chris’ eyes. “I still remember you drooling over me the first time we met, and your offer to, ‘let me fuck you’.”

 

Chris blushed to the roots of his hair. “That wasn’t the smartest thing I ever said.”

 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Juha said and squeezed Chris’ hand. “You mean the world to me, don’t you know that? I love you so much! Your cockiness, your humor, your tenderness, and the way you took care of me when I was ill. I know it was hard to convince me that you really love me, but it worked. I know you love me, and Chris, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to feel your arms around me, your lips on mine, and your body pressed against mine. Do you want that too?” Juha reached inside his pocket, got out the ring, and gave Chris an expectant look.

 

“Yes, I do,” Chris said and smiled madly.

 

Juha slipped the ring around Chris’ ring finger and explained. “It’s not pink, or anything fancy, but my mother wore it until the day she died. After that, my father did, and now, I want it to be on your finger… If that’s okay with you,” he said, smiling shyly at Chris.

 

Chris looked at the ring and swallowed hard. It was a family heirloom, and Juha – and Niklas – wanted him to wear it. “I feel honored that you want me to wear it.” He pulled Juha into his arms and wanted to kiss him, but Mikko stopped him.

 

“No kissing yet! Behave! Chris, it’s your turn now.” Mikko exchanged a proud look with Antti, who was grinning at him and giving him a ‘thumbs up’ for interfering.

 

Chris drew in a deep breath and kept his fingers tightly curled around Juha’s. “I tried to come up with a little speech, but I failed. I’m not good at things like that.” From across the room, Japa smiled encouragingly and Chris swallowed hard. “When I saw you that first time, I… I think I fell in love almost instantly. I knew you were going to influence my life in a way that had never happened before. You mean everything to me, Juha. I can’t live without you. I need you! You have given me so much! So much love, so much trust…” Chris licked his lips. “You made my life so much better and I want you to be a part of it for as long as I shall live. Do you want that too?”

 

Juha couldn’t hold his tears back and they glided down his face. “I do,” he whispered happily.

 

Chris uncovered the ring and slid it down Juha’s finger. It was a perfect fit. “I want you to have this…”

 

“It’s beautiful… I’ll always wear it,” Juha whispered, feeling touched. He quickly wiped at his tears and then flung himself into Chris’ arms.

 

“Now you may kiss!” Mikko proclaimed happily.

 

Chris pressed close to Juha and took him in his arms. Brushing Juha’s lips with his, he sighed contently. “Mine,” he growled possessively, making Juha chuckle. Pressing his lips onto Juha’s, he kissed him and then deepened the kiss, while their friends cheered them on. After releasing Juha’s lips again, he softly sang, “Just let me love you…and I will learn to love you right. I lived only for the moment… for this moment of our love…with you.”

 

Looking Chris deep in the eye, Juha brushed his lover’s bottom lip and then finished with him, “With you…”

 

THE END