Title: Home is where the Heart is…

Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon

Pairings: Eero/Arttu (Jonne/Japa, Tommi/Juha, Ville/Pasi)

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Eero and Arttu get their own place.

Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright infringement is intended.

All mistakes are mine.

Home is where the Heart is…

Part 1

We have three apartments lined up to look at today. Eero found the first one, the second one is my favorite, and Jonne came up with option number three. It’s going to be interesting to see if Eero can make up his mind about moving into one of them.

I understand that he wants to continue to live with Jonne, but come on, we need to move on! I want time alone with him and I’m fed up with being alert all the time, just in case Antti or Jonne walks in on us – us Ville, or Tommi, or Jack or Juha… I think everyone gets the picture here!

“This isn’t the safest neighborhood you picked,” Jonne comments as we walk into the street the first apartment is situated in.

I don’t like the fact that Jonne and Antti joined us in our search for an apartment, but they offered to pay part of the rent, so I can’t really tell them to sod off. Looking about, I must agree with Jonne – this isn’t the best neighborhood. Sure, it’s close to the University and even to the Hesburger I work part time at these days, but it’s not a place where I want to live.

“Let’s give the place a chance,” Antti says, after having seen Eero’s desponded expression, but I can tell my brother doesn’t like it here either. Good, that might give us a chance to team up against Eero later and rule out this option.

The landlord’s already waiting for us and the man shows us about. The apartment is nice, I must admit that. It’s a three bedroom apartment with a large living room, but when I look out of the window I realize our neighbors aren’t the tidiest ones. The garden is a mess and so is our balcony.

“We will remove that of course,” the landlord says, pointing at the boxes and other stuff on the balcony. “It’s a bargain at three hundred euro a month!”

Yeah, it is a bargain. We won’t find another apartment that cheap in Tampere, but still, the thought of living here gives me the creeps, and wait, is that fungus in the bathroom? I turn toward my boyfriend, catch Eero’s gaze, and cock my head. Normally I don’t need to explain myself to him and this time around he also picks up on my mood.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Eero mutters, also feeling ill at ease. “But we can’t afford anything more expensive.”

He’s right, but still… “Eero, there’s fungus in the bathroom and I think a cockroach crossed the kitchen floor just now…”

Eero sighs deeply and frowns. “You’re saying no then?”

“I’d rather not live here, Eero… I wouldn’t feel comfortable…” It’s the truth and knowing Eero the way I do, he probably feels the same. He merely doesn’t want to admit it. “Let’s continue to look about… Maybe we’ll find something better.” Eero’s expression tells me that he’s disappointed, but I can’t go along with this. We would end up ill because of the fungus… Who knows, maybe it already spread through the rest of the apartment and we just don’t see it.

“Arttu’s right,” Jonne says, backing me up. “This isn’t suited for anyone to live at. We still have two other apartments to check on.”

Antti turns around to talk to the landlord and I take Eero’s hand in mine. I pull him against me and make him look me in the eye. “Eero, I know it’s cheap, but this isn’t the right place to live at for us.” It takes Eero a moment, but then he nods. Good, I’m relieved he gave in that easily. “Let’s have a look at the apartment I picked.”

~~~

Okay, I admit it; I dislike the fact that apartment number two comes without an elevator. We only need to climb three flights of stairs, but my leg already starts to act up. Two months ago, I crashed into a car door while riding my bicycle, and although my doctor declared me healed, my body still aches at times.

“They forgot to add a lift,” I whisper into Eero’s ear, who promptly looks at me in concern. “I’m fine,” I reassure him. “I’m simply not used to climbing stairs anymore.” Eero wraps an arm around my waist in order to support me, and although I don’t need the help, I lean in closer and kiss him. Eero’s been great during these last two months. Before that too, but he really pampered me while I was recovering from my accident. I love him so much for that.

“This is apartment number 2…” Antti, who retrieved the keys from the owner earlier, opens the door to the apartment. “Let’s have a look at this one.”

“It costs four hundred and fifty euro a month,” I tell them. “Still rather cheap!”

“But also rather small!” Jonne remarks after walking through the apartment. “A living room, one bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom, that’s about it.”

“Sounds fine to me.” How many rooms does Jonne think we need?

“You’re going to drive each other mad living like this,” Jonne continues. “You have no separate room to study in and what do you do when one of you needs some privacy?”

“We can move our desks into a corner in the living room, and whoever needs privacy can head for the bedroom,” I tell Jonne. Man, why is he being picky? This apartment is great!

“I agree with Jonne,” Antti says, who returns from checking out the bedroom. “You need a place where you can study…”

“And which has a guestroom for when I’m staying!” Jonne gives me a pleased look.

“Why are they being picky?” I whisper into Eero’s ear. “The apartment is big enough for the two of us.”

Eero takes a moment to consider my question and then whispers, “It might have something to do with the fact that it’s across town. Maybe Jonne and Antti dislike us living that far away from them.”

Okay, I hadn’t thought of that, but hey, it’s a thirty minute walk maximum and when you get on the bus, ten! That’s doable! “Guys, don’t be like that! If you continue like this, Eero and I will never find a new home!”

“Arttu, we want you to move in together, but we want you to live at a decent place…” Antti says.

I blink. Why is Antti teaming up with Jonne? Does he wants us to live closer to him too?

“Let’s check on the third apartment,” Jonne decrees. “Tommi actually selected it.”

Eero suddenly gives me an alert look and I have a good idea what he’s thinking; that apartment number three has been Jonne’s, and probably Antti’s, favorite all along.

~~~

The third apartment is obviously the best choice. It’s a four bedroom apartment, close to the University and to where Jonne lives. It has been renovated and there is definitely no sign of fungus here, but it comes at a high price. It’s at six hundred euro way out of our price range – there’s no way we can afford it, no matter how great it looks. “Jonne, I don’t know what Tommi was thinking, but we can’t afford it.”

Eero nods repeatedly. “Even if I took a job as well we would have a hard time paying for everything.”

I know that Eero rather not gets a job; not because he’s lazy, but because he will start to fail his courses. He tried it in the past and it didn’t work out for him.

“Hey, we said we would help,” Jonne says and smiles warmly. “Tommi, Antti, and I will help… Eero, we’re not poor! We’re not rich either, but we can afford this!”

Eero sighs deeply and I know that he’s counting to ten in the hope patience won’t desert him. He loves his brothers dearly, and I love Antti, but they need to learn that Eero and I need to do things without their support.

“Seriously, Eero!” Jonne continues, rather sure of himself. “The first apartment was dirty and the neighborhood gave me the creeps. The second apartment was way too small…”

“And too far away from where you live,” I interject. Jonne flinches and looks terribly caught, but regroups quickly and simply nods. So Eero was right about that and the distance was the real reason why they don’t want us to live there. “But affordable!”

“Arttu…” Suddenly Antti grabs my shoulders and turns me around until I face him. “Can you blame us for wanting to look after you? You were still bedridden a month ago…”

“I’m back to normal!” I remind my older brother, but Antti merely shakes his head.

“You two are the Benjamins of the our families, Arttu. Jonne and I want to make sure that you’re fine. Let us pay for part of the rent… Let us look after you until you’re done studying. Once the two of you have jobs and can stand on your own feet, we’ll back off, but you’re still students and entitled to our support.”

I exchange a look with Eero and can tell he doesn’t like it either. Antti twists the facts to his advantage, but basically he’s right. Even with the money I’ll make – which comes close to nothing – Eero and I won’t be able to live on our own.

“Let us help,” Jonne says and smiles at me. “Let me do this for Eero, please.”

Damn, Jonne’s way too good at winding us around his little finger. Eero won’t be able to tell Jonne no and I have a hard time doing so myself. “But only until we make enough money of our own to afford this place.”

“I knew you’d come around! That’s great!”

Suddenly Jonne’s all over us… First he hugs Eero and then he pulls me into the hug as well. I give in, knowing damn well that when Jonne gets like this, no one can stop him. It doesn’t help that Antti suddenly decides to join our little group hug!

After a minute, Jonne pulls away. He’s still grinning though. “So, what do we do next? Are you going to paint the walls?”

I look about; as I said, the apartment has been renovated recently and they even put in a gorgeous hardboard floor. There’s no reason for Eero and I to mess it up by doing a makeover. “What do you think, Eero? I rather like it this way.” The walls are white, except for in the bedroom, which comes in yellow pastels.

“It’s fine with me… I’m afraid we would wreck the place otherwise…”

Eero’s comment causes Antti to burst out laughing and I come to Eero’s defense. “I can’t believe you’re laughing at him! Remember the time when you wanted to paint your room bright red?” It had been an utter mess – sometime during the process Antti had realized that he had run out of paint and had gone out to buy more. But when he had returned, it had become clear that the shop had run out of that particular shade, and since the wall was only half-done, Antti had had a problem. It had taken him six months to get his motivation back and to paint it over again.

“Let’s not go there,” Antti says quickly. “We’re not discussing that.”

“How about going to IKEA?” Jonne suggests. “You can get lots of nice stuff there and it’s affordable.”

Eero gives me another look and I shrug. I can’t help it that his brothers want to help. Tommi actually gave us a budget of one thousand euro to get started. I have no idea how much that amount will buy us, but it looks like the time has come to find out.

~~~

I let Eero pick most of the stuff so far. He decided we should get a camel-colored couch, which I okayed because I realized it was incredible comfortable after testing it. He added a black coffee table to the mix and white shelves. He also picked a cheap kitchen table and four chairs to go with it. When we hit the kitchen department, Jonne added lots of pots, pans, cups, plates and all kind of other stuff to the list.

Now we made it into the bedroom department and while looking about, I see a bed I instantly like. It has a metal frame, which has been painted white and looks rather romantic. It’s something I wouldn’t have picked in the past, but I like it for some reason. “How about this one?” I walk toward it, point at it, and wait for the others to join me.

Jonne has a pleased look on his face; Antti looks like he couldn’t care less, and Eero seems surprised. “What?” What’s confusing him?

“Are you sure you want this one?” Eero frowns.

“Yeah, I know it doesn’t look like something I would normally pick but I like it!”

Eero has a closer look and nods.

“If you like that much, we can get it…” He checks on the price tag and cringes. “It’s expensive…”

“Get it,” Jonne says and pats Eero’s back. “If you top Tommi’s thousand dollars I will make up for the rest.”

That’s a nice thing of him to do and I’m not surprised to see Eero hug Jonne. In the meanwhile, I moved onto the mattresses and decide I need to try them. Within a heartbeat, Antti appears and jumps onto one of the mattresses. I roll my eyes, but don’t comment, as I don’t want to draw even more attention to us.

It takes us a while, but eventually we find two mattresses that we like and I let Eero pick the bed linen, which for some reason ends up being yellow and green. Well, if he likes it…

I swallow hard when I hear the total sum we need to pay. It’s a whopping one thousand, two hundred and eighty four euro. It’s a good thing that Jonne uses his credit card to pay for it, because we would have been short of money otherwise.

“That was one hell of a shopping marathon!” Antti grins though. “Are you sure you bought everything you need?”

“I hope so,” Eero says and frowns. “I had wanted to make a list for when we went to IKEA, thinking we wouldn’t end up here so shortly, but since we did…” Eero shrugs. “No list.”

Jonne tucks away his credit card and uncovers his cell phone because it’s beeping. “It’s a message from Tommi… He signed the contract on the apartment… Looks like you can move in during the next few days!”

I’m excited about that, but one look at Eero tells me that he feels overwhelmed. I wrap an arm around him and pull him against me. “We can take our time making the place our home.” Eero nods, but the trepidation remains in his eyes. I must admit that I sometimes forget where Eero’s coming from.

About a year ago, he grew ill, and only because Jonne took him in and cared for him, did he end up being united with his half-brothers. Everything is still new to him, and he still goes to therapy once a week. It’s so easy to forget that he’s still learning how to deal with certain events that happened in his past. I need to slow down, even if I don’t want to.

“I’ll be right back… I just need to talk to Antti for one moment…” I kiss Eero on the lips and smile reassuringly. Eero nods, but the worried expression never leaves his face.

I pull Antti to the side so I can talk to him. My move seems to confuse him as he frowns at me. “Antti, can you do me a favor? Can I have the apartment to myself tonight? Eero and I need some space…”

Antti’s eyes narrow. “You want to throw me out? Care to tell me at the very least what’s this about?”

“We’re rushing him… It’s easy to forget that he’s still working through his past… He needs some peace and quiet – just for tonight… Please, Antti.” I hope that Antti will agree – he never let me down in the past and hopefully he will understand why this is important to me.

“I can crash at Teemu’s… He’s out of town and I have a key to his place… It’s about time the two of you get your own place… That way I can sleep in my bed again.”

Antti’s grinning though and I know he doesn’t mind. He will probably phone some of his friends and go clubbing. He won’t spend much time at Teemu’s place. “Thanks, I love you, Antti.”

“Sure, you love me now that you got what you wanted!”

Antti hugs me tight and I pull him close as well. “It’s great to have a brother like you.”

Antti pulls away and nods at me. “Now get back to Eero… He looks quite lost, in spite of Jonne trying to distract him.”

I look at Eero from over my shoulder and realize Antti’s right. I walk over to Eero, take his hand in mine, and rub his fingers. “Would you like to spend the night at my place? Antti won’t be around and we’ll have some privacy – in case you want to talk.” Jonne arches an eyebrow at hearing that, but I ignore him. “Would you like that?”

Eero nods and I pull him into my arms. “I love you… I really do.” Eero remains quiet though and so I hug him close in order to reassure him. My gaze meets Jonne’s and I read concern in his expression. I don’t think we need to worry though: all Eero needs is a little time to get used to the idea of moving out of Jonne’s apartment and I plan on giving him that.

~~~

Eero made himself comfortable on the couch and pulled a fleece blanket up to his chin. It isn’t chilly in here, so he isn’t covering up because of the cold. He’s hiding because he feels uncertain and I need to address it. So, I do something I normally never do and that is to open up a bottle of wine.

We seldom have alcohol, basically because none of his brothers drink any, and we got used to that. There simply isn’t any alcohol to be found at Jonne’s place. But we’re at my apartment now and Antti has a good stock in the living room’s cupboards. I put two glasses of white wine on the coffee table and sit down next to Eero, who frowns at seeing the wine.

“I thought it might help us relax – after all we had a busy day…” Eero remains suspicious though and I realize I need to be careful. “Will you share that blanket with me?” I need to go step by step – slowly. To my relief, Eero lifts the blanket. I pick up the two glasses and offer him one. After a moment of hesitation, Eero accepts.

I tuck the blanket around our forms and sip from my wine. “This is nice…” Eero stares at the wine, but then takes a sip as well. “Care to tell me what’s worrying you? I know that look – you don’t feel comfortable.” This can go both ways – either Eero shuts down completely or he confides in me. I have to wait and see what happens. Eero draws in a deep breath and then looks at me.

“The apartment is great – it’s perfect, but maybe it’s too perfect for us? It doesn’t feel right that Jonne, Tommi, and Antti are paying for our place…”

But that’s only part of what troubles him – the easiest part, I can tell that much by looking Eero in the eye. Something else troubles him as well, but we will get to that in time. “Do you want to cancel everything then? If that’s what you want, we’ll do that.” I’m not going to fight Eero over this – but I will present him with a choice. “You only have to say so…” Eero looks stunned for a moment, but then he shakes his head.

“No, that wouldn’t be right… Tommi already signed the lease and we bought all that stuff at IKEA. There’s no way back for us.” Eero sips from his wine again and a distant expression fills his eyes.

“Are you scared we’re rushing things? Would you have liked to have waited?” I need to find out what’s worrying him and I can only hope Eero will continue to confide in me.

“It’s something personal…” Eero turns his head away from me and stares at the wall. “I don’t understand why you want to move in with me in the first place… I know you love me… You proved that to me in the past, but… We can’t even have sex and…”

Ah, that’s it! At least he’s willing to discuss the matter. I put my glass onto the coffee table, turn toward Eero, and wait for him to find the courage to look at me. When he does he turns his head toward me, but keeps his gaze lowered. I take hold of his glass and put it aside as well. That little action makes Eero look at me. I part my legs, shift toward him, and end up wrapping my legs around him. Next, I put my arms around him as well. “Eero, are you ready to talk about this?”

I tried talking to him about it in the past, but Eero always shut down. It’s a touchy subject for him, mainly because he feels ashamed and guilty. He promised to discuss things with his therapist – that was two weeks ago, and hopefully he did the last time he had a session.

“I’ll never be ready, but yes, we need to talk – I guess.” Eero lowers his gaze once more.

I hate seeing him in such emotional distress, but I’m glad it’s finally showing. At least now I can set him straight on some matters. I place a finger beneath his chin and lift his head. Eero sighs, opens his eyes, and looks at me.

“I’m sorry that I’m such a coward, but I’m scared,” Eero whispers.

“You’re no coward and I understand your fears…” I think back to the time when we went up to the lake for the first time. I had only just met Eero and hadn’t known what demons he was fighting. He had a breakdown that evening and told me bits and pieces of his past. Since then, I have gotten to know his past rather well and I understand why it haunts him. “Eero, I know where you’re coming from, remember? I don’t have any problems with waiting for you.”

Eero nods, but his expression remains sad. “What if I will make you wait forever?”

“You won’t… You’re recovering – all you need is time.” We have sex – after a fashion; hand jobs mostly, and I love to bring him to orgasm by giving him a blow job. Eero doesn’t feel comfortable doing that for me though and I have no problems with that. We kiss – we touch – we love each other. “I can touch you, Eero… I can kiss you… I can make you come… Do you really think I need to have sex with you in order to be happy?”

“Maybe not right now, but you’ll get bored in the long run.”

“I can’t believe you said that!” I stare at him in shock. Did he really say that? Eero’s distress increases and I stroke his hair. “Eero, I accept the limitations to our relationship.” I really do.

“That’s the problem,” Eero whispers. “I can’t… I want to make love with you… I want to take that final step… I don’t want to be afraid anymore… I don’t want to see his face when I think of making love with you… I want to bury that part of the past so I can have a future with you.”

Oh damn, Eero’s throwing a lot at me and I feel rather lost at the moment. “You can’t force yourself to have sex with me; that wouldn’t be right… And I couldn’t make love to you in that way.” I caress Eero’s face and he leans into the touch. “When we do make love I want it to be because we both want that…” Eero cocks his head, wraps his arms around me, and stares at me for some time.

“Arttu, will you promise me something?”

I grow alert at hearing that. “Depends on what kind of promise you want me to make.” I’m not saying yes when I don’t know what he wants from me. “What do you want from me?” Eero bites onto his bottom lip, looking extremely worried, but at the same time also incredibly cute.

“I want to make love with you… Not right now, but in the future…”

I nod, but remain on guard. “I want that too.”

“I need you to do something for me though… When I’m ready to take that step, don’t push me away. Don’t tell me no… I might come across as insecure, but that’s mostly because I lack experience…proper experience. When I tell you that I want to be with you in that way, help me, and don’t turn me away… Accept what I tell you and…guide me…”

Eero’s blushing and I run my thumb along his jaw line. “I promise that I won’t turn you away… I’ll guide you.” I can make that promise – as long as Eero won’t force himself to do anything he isn’t ready for yet. “I love you and want to be with you in that way, but only when you’re ready to take that step.”

“Thanks, Arttu…” Eero leans in closer and hugs me tightly. “I don’t know when it will happen, but I’m working on it. I’ve been discussing it with my therapist and she’s been great, helping me to figure out things… I want to make love with you… I want to know you in that way… I’m still a bit scared to take that step, but I’m getting there. Don’t give up on me – please.”

“I won’t… I’ll never give up on you… I love you, Eero… Only you…” I press my lips against his in a tender kiss as I want to express my love for him. Eero parts his teeth and I deepen the kiss. “I love you,” I whisper against his lips after we pulled away, and when I look into his eyes again, the expression in them is much calmer, which relieves me. The last thing I want is for Eero to pressure himself. “I’ll wait for you,” I promise. “No matter how long it takes.”

TBC

Part 2

“I need to go to work now…” Arttu says and kisses me on the brow. “but I’ll come over to your place tonight… Is that okay?”

“Of course it is.” I don’t want Arttu to leave, but I don’t want him to be late for work either, as he takes his job rather seriously. I rest my hand at the nape of his neck, pull him close, and kiss him on the lips. “So you won’t forget about me.” Arttu strokes some wayward hair away from my face and smiles at me.

“I could never forget about you!” Arttu then breaks the contact, steps away from the bed, and heads for the door. “See you around nine tonight!”

Now that Arttu is gone, I stretch, and tell myself to leave the bed and start the day myself. I don’t have any lectures this week and want to use my time well. I have a therapy session in one hour, and after that, I’ll go home. Hopefully Jonne will be there because I really need to talk to him – urgently.

~~~

Talking to my therapist did little to help me make up my mind. We talked about moving into the new apartment, my studies, my brothers and my relationship with Arttu, but I simply can’t talk to her about any sex-related issues. She always tries to make me open up, but I simply can’t share those thoughts with her. Although she has helped me with other things, she isn’t the right person for me to talk to when it comes down to sex.

I’d rather not discuss the matter at all, but I’m realistic to know that I’m stuck and the only person who might be able to help me out of this situation is Jonne. I uncover my key to unlock the door to our apartment and smile involuntarily. I vividly remember the evening when Jonne gave me this key. When he did, I felt like I had become a part of this family.

“Ville, is that you? Or you, Eero?”

Well, that answers one question: Jonne’s at home. “It’s me!”I call out as I remove my coat. It’s November and fucking cold already. I step out of my boots, put them aside, and slip into the house shoes Jonne got me. For someone who says he doesn’t like pink, he buys a lot of pink stuff – like my house shoes!

I step into the living room and find Jonne curled up on the couch with a book. Every so often, he reaches for some potato chips, which he balances on his abdomen in a *pink!* bowl. “What are you reading?”

“Some book Jack gave me, but I think it’s boring.” Jonne puts the book aside, places the bowl safely onto the coffee table, and stretches an arm toward me. “Come over here, will you?” He pulls his knees to his chest to create a space for me to sit down.

I collapse onto the couch and rest the back of my head against its comfort. For some weird reason I’m tired. Not physically, but mentally. I close my eyes and try to center myself.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jonne moves position and ends up sitting cross-legged next to me. “Eero?”

I open my eyes, look at him, and manage a smile. “Can I talk to you about some private? Really private?” I can tell Jonne feels confused because of the odd look he’s giving me. “I tried to discuss it with my therapist, but I can’t… I can’t talk to her about this. It needs to be you.”

“You can always talk to me, Eero… Hopefully you know that.”

Jonne gathers my hands in-between his and I turn toward him, sitting cross-legged too, mirroring his position. “It’s rather personal.”

“That’s okay, Eero… I can do personal… I never shied away from anything, did I?”

That’s true: Jonne is the person who knows me best -- the one I easiest confide in when I feel cornered. “It’s about sex…” Shyly, I look at him, and can’t help blushing. “About me having sex with Arttu.” Jonne seems surprised at first and then frowns at me.

“Don’t get me wrong, but shouldn’t you discuss this with Arttu instead?”

“I will – in time, but not yet. I need to talk to you first.” Hopefully Jonne will understand the reason why after I’ve told him. Jonne nods and I draw in a deep breath – this is it. “I want to have sex with Arttu, but I’m scared.” Jonne rubs my hands and nods, encouraging me to continue. I’m lost for words though. “I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

Jonne’s right hand moves to caress my face and the touch reassures me. It helps me find the courage to confide in him. “We didn’t go all the way yet… Because I’m scared I’ll freak out if we do.” Jonne’s gaze is tightly fastened on me and I feel like I must meet it.

“Why are you afraid you’ll freak out?”

It’s a simple question, and the answer is simple too, but saying it isn’t. “I’m scared I’ll suffer a flash back… I’m worried that I’ll see my foster father’s face instead of Arttu’s.” It feels good to get it off my chest – I’ve been carrying it with me for some months now – ever since it became clear that Arttu was here to stay. “I’m afraid that if he touches me intimately that I’ll go back to that place… That bedroom…”

Jonne nods and appears thoughtful. “I understand your fears… I understand where they’re coming from and why you’re worrying.”

Hearing that makes me feel relieved. “I don’t have those nightmares often – not anymore – but I still have them now and then… Then I’m back in my room at his house and at his mercy… If the nightmare’s really bad I feel his hands upon me…” Jonne doesn’t react; he merely looks at me and nods, which is perfect, for it makes me feel safe and so I continue. “I can’t give Arttu oral sex… I still feel uneasy when he gives me a blow job and I often tell him no, but Arttu loves to make me come in that way… I remember what it felt like when I had to do that myself – I suffocated.”

“The situation is different,” Jonne says after a moment. “You were forced to perform oral sex – You were a child – a victim. Arttu, on the other hand, enjoys sex in all forms. He was never abused and loves giving you pleasure…”

Jonne is right, but that doesn’t make things easier. “Jonne, I want to have sex with him – I want to take that final step… But how do I do that? How do I get my mind to cooperate? How do I rid myself of my fears?” I don’t expect Jonne to have all the answers, but merely voicing those questions makes me feel better.

Jonne gently strokes my hair and inches closer. He looks me in the eyes and smiles. “It comes down to one thing – do you trust Arttu to take good care of you? If the answer is yes, you must face your fears…but you must also realize that Arttu will never hurt you. He would rather hurt himself. If the answer is no, that you don’t trust him, then it’s too early for you to take this step.”

Jonne’s reply takes me aback. I didn’t realize it until now, but he’s right – it comes down to trust all right. “I trust Arttu – completely.” I don’t need to think about that – I trust him.

“If that’s the case, you need to remember that when Arttu and you get intimate. Remember that you trust him – that he will never hurt you…”

“But what if *his* face pops up? I don’t think I’ll be able to think rationally when it does!” I want to free myself of this demon, but how do I exorcise him?

“Eero, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m getting the impression that you’re assuming that you will be on the bottom?”

Jonne’s question makes me blush and I lower my head. “Yeah, of course…” Jonne sighs and hearing it makes me peek at him – he looks worried, and he didn’t a moment ago.

“Eero, Arttu would never do that to you – certainly not the first time you make love… He knows what you went through and what memories you’re still battling. Do you really think he wants to put you in that position? Arttu is smarter than that and he loves you dearly…”

I blink; for some reason that never occurred to me. I always assumed that Arttu would go on top. I never questioned it. But if Jonne is right, this revelation might make a difference. “Do you really think he would be okay with me being on top?” What the hell am I talking about? I never topped anyone and I doubt I ever will! I would chicken out if Arttu ever suggested it!

“You *do* need to talk to Arttu about this, Eero. He needs to clarify certain matters.” Jonne moves closer and wraps an arm around me. I lean in closer and rest my upper body against his. “Arttu never pressured you into giving him oral sex, did he?”

“No, he didn’t…” Arttu never even brought it up. It was clearly out of the question as far as he was concerned. “Jonne, sometimes I feel like Arttu deserves someone better than me – in bed mostly. He gives so much and I give back so little.”

“Don’t say that – you give him all the love you’re capable of. Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, but love is, and you love him with all your heart.”

I rest my brow against Jonne’s forehead and search his eyes; he seems to be serious though. “Would you stay with Jack if you couldn’t have sex with him?”

“Eero, there are many ways to have sex – intercourse is just one of them. You need to understand that… And yes, I’d stay with Jack, and do you know why?” I shake my head. “Because it’s his heart which matters. He loves me, Eero, and he expresses that love in many ways… In the way he looks at me, when he takes my hand in his, or when he kisses me. I would never end our relationship just because we couldn’t have intercourse… I wouldn’t – never.”

Jonne’s words cause me to grow thoughtful. “So you think it wouldn’t be a reason for Arttu to leave me?”

“Never…but didn’t you two discuss this?” Jonne pulls away, frowns, and gives me a stern look. “Don’t you discuss things like this?”

“We do,” I’m quick to assure him. “But I always find it hard to believe him… And now that we’re going to live together, Arttu will realize that I might have more weaknesses than strengths. Instead of catching me at my best moments, he will see me when I’m down as well…”

“Eero, tell me something.”

Jonne looks exasperated, which surprises me. “What?”

“How did Arttu and you meet? Where you on your best back then?”

I stare at Jonne in surprise. Actually I was at my worst… I suffered an emotional breakdown shortly after Arttu and I met, which Arttu witnessed. Still staring at Jonne, I realize that Arttu *has* seen me at my worse, and for some reason he’s still around. I offer Jonne a weak smile. “Arttu and I need to talk.” I realize that now and I need to address the matter direct on. I can’t leave room for misunderstandings.

“When are you going to see Arttu again?”

“Tonight… He’ll be here at nine.” A quick look at the display of my mobile phone tells me that’s only one o’clock in the afternoon. “I’ll try to talk to him about it.”

“Don’t try, Eero, do it…”

I nod in order to show Jonne that I understand. Opening up completely to Arttu will be hard, but it’s something I’ve got to do. Our talk left me feeling hopeful, but also oddly depressed.

“Maybe I can make you feel better,” Jonne says and gives me a wink.

“In what way?” I hope this means we’re moving away from discussing my problems.

“I’ve got something for you.” Jonne reaches within a pocket and removes a bunch of keys. “Tommi dropped them off an hour ago.”

“Are those…?” Are those the keys to the apartment? But how can that be? Tommi signed the lease only this morning!

“Tommi got them when he signed the contract and they’re yours – and Arttu’s of course.” Jonne drops the keys into my hand and I curl my fingers around them. “Antti was present too, and they worked out a deal… Antti’s going to pay two hundred each month and Tommi three hundred… That leaves you short of one hundred, but that should be doable?”

“We can manage…We could have paid more… I calculated we could pay three hundred on rent…” The fact that we only need to pay one third of that sum makes our budget less tight!

“Well, you still get two hundred euro a month as long as you continue your studies, remember?”

I chuckle at Jonne and shake my head at him. “I can’t believe this is happening!” Jonne’s right – I also get a monthly allowance from Tommi –this means Arttu and I will be able to get along just fine. “We’ll pay you back – one day… When Arttu and I are rich.” Though I doubt that will ever happen!

“Don’t worry about it,” Jonne says. “We still have some hours left before Arttu shows up. Do you want to head over to your place and get started? We need to do some cleaning and all the kitchen stuff we bought at IKEA still sits in the basement… We could take those things there and ready your kitchen.”

I wrap my arms around Jonne, pull him against me, and hug him tightly. I kiss him on the cheek and smile at him. “I would like that very much.” It would also be a nice way to surprise Arttu. Remembering the keys in my hand, I remove one of them and hand it to Jonne. “I want you to have it… Just in case I lose mine, or you need to get inside…”

“Thanks, I won’t abuse your trust in me,” Jonne says and slips the key back into his pocket. “So, are you ready to get sweaty? First we need to haul everything upstairs, put it into the car, and then we have to haul it upstairs again… You can get started on that… I’ll get us some cleaners, buckets, and other stuff we need to in order to make the place look decent.”

“I’m on it!” I rise from the couch and make my way over to the door. I feel better after talking to Jonne and hope I will find a way to address the matter tonight when Arttu’s here.

~~~

“Looking good, don’t you think?” Jonne takes a step back to observe his handiwork. I must admit he’s right. We cleaned the apartment and then we moved everything into the kitchen cupboards. Stuff, which we also got from IKEA, like curtains and decorations, are also in place and the apartment already looks inviting. “Makes me want to redecorate my own home,” Jonne adds jokingly.

I walk over to him, wrap my arms around him from behind, and rest my head on his shoulder. “I can’t thank you enough for the things you did for me, and are still doing – Tommi, and you that is, Ville too, of course, but it’s different with you. I feel connected to you.”

“I was around from the start,” Jonne says pensively. “Tommi was being difficult and Ville was in the army at that time. It’s normal that you feel closest to me.” Jonne turns around in the embrace, wraps his arms around me in turn, and gives me a conspiring smile. “We need to hang out here a little longer. Tommi said he would drop by at six…”

“Tommi is coming here?” I ask in order to make sure I got it right.

“Yeah… And he brings with him a present… A house warming gift for the new apartment, and don’t worry, it’s nothing expensive.”

“Good…” Because I was growing upset about the ridiculous amount of money that Tommi has been spending on me lately.

“Eero, getting your own place is expensive… You know that and you should also know that we don’t mind helping out… You’re family…”

I smile at him, pull him closer, and hug him tight. “You guys are the best family I could have wished for!”

“Hey, am I interrupting something?”

Tommi’s voice echoes through the kitchen and chuckling follows it. I turn my head and look at him from over my shoulder. Tommi carries a large cardboard box and has a huge grin on his face. “Hey, we didn’t expect you yet. It’s not six yet.”

“And that gives you permission to hug Jonne and exclude me?” Tommi quips as he puts the box onto the floor. He opens his arms, and at seeing him act like that, I let go of Jonne and move over to my oldest brother. Tommi doesn’t waste any time and curls his arms around me. “That’s better,” he says and chuckles.

I’m truly blessed to have brothers like them. Even though we’re only half-brothers, they fully accepted me into their family. I couldn’t imagine living without their love and support. Arttu, Tommi, Jonne, and Ville mean the world to me – they are the world to me.

“Did you get everything?” Jonne asks as he walks over to us and studies the cardboard box.

“I did… It’s all in there,” Tommi replies and gives Jonne a wink.

Their conversation makes me curious and I lick my lips – something I often do when I’m curious or worried. “Can I look inside?”

Tommi releases me and nods. “That’s the idea. After all, you need to decide where to put them.”

Tommi’s answer feeds my curiosity and I bend down in order to open the box. After pulling the sides apart, I blink. “What’s this?” I reach inside and come up with two framed pictures from our little trip to Oulu. These are the pictures, which Juha took when we were messing around in the city. In one of them, I stand next to Tommi, and I once again realize how much I have changed this last year. I seem taller, which is just an illusion of course, but the fact that I’ve gained weight is true. About seven kilos to be exact… I stepped onto the scales the other day. I’m lucky though that Arttu likes me the way I am. “These are great!”

“There are more of them,” Tommi hints and inclines his head toward the box.

I sit down on the floor and remove them one by one. At times, I blink, because I didn’t know anyone had taken pictures back then. There are some of the party Tommi threw me when they announced that I was family. There are about ten framed pictures and I put them around me so I can study them. This is an amazing gift. “This way the three of you will always be close, even when we don’t live together anymore,” I tell Jonne.

Jonne lowers himself onto his heels and looks at the pictures as well. “I thought you might like having them about and Tommi agreed.”

“This was a great idea.” I reach for Jonne and kiss him on the cheek. Then I look toward Tommi and smile at him. “Thank you so much.”

“Actually, I delivered the same box to Jonne’s and Ville’s rooms earlier… I made copies for myself as well… That way, we’ll have the same pictures on the wall.”

Jonne gives Tommi a bright smile. “I didn’t know about that!”

“It was meant to be a surprise…” A sneaky expression appears in Tommi’s eyes when he adds, “You can take some along with you to Helsinki and put them up in Jack’s apartment…”

Jonne blushes; it’s true that he spends a lot of time in Helsinki now that he’s together with Jack, but neither Tommi nor I begrudge him that. “And you can take some with you to Oulu!” I say, helping out Jonne, who gives me a grateful smile. “How are things with Juha by the way?”

Tommi grins. “He’s flying in tomorrow and staying for a week… I’m really looking forward to that.”

I’m staring at the pictures again and realize something. “Maybe we should take some more pictures this weekend, when everyone is about… I miss seeing Arttu, Pasi, Juha, and Japa in these pictures… And they are a part of this family now too, aren’t they?”

Tommi considers my question and nods. “You’re right… And I like your idea… Jonne, are you staying with Japa this weekend?”

“I was planning on going to Helsinki, but I can ask him to come to Tampere instead,” Jonne says at once, and it tells me that he likes my idea as well. “That only leaves us with hunting down Ville and Pasi.”

“Leave that to me…” Tommi grins wickedly and then looks about the apartment. “You got started already!”

“Yeah, it was Jonne’s idea…” I look about as well and feel happy. This is my new home – this is where I will live with Arttu and that feels great.

“When will the furniture arrive?” Tommi asks Jonne.

“Tomorrow,” Jonne replies and I look at him in surprise.

“Tomorrow? I didn’t know that!” What if we didn’t have the keys to apartment yet? They run such a tight schedule! “Does Arttu even know about the delivery tomorrow? He should be here as well!”

“You can tell him tonight,” Jonne says in an effort to calm me down. “You’ll see that everything will work out fine.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “What deadline did you set yourself for me to move into his apartment?”

“I was hoping Arttu and you could live here at the end of the week… I know how much you want this – and Arttu even more…”

“At the end of the week? That’s in five days!” My head reels. If Jonne’s schedule is really that tight I will be here nonstop – thankfully I don’t have any lectures to attend or tests to write.

“You know what Jonne is like,” Tommi says and grins.

“Yeah, I do…” Five days… So if everything goes according to plan this will be my new home in a few days!

“You can always tell me to slow down,” Jonne says and playfully elbows me in my side. “If you want to stall…”

“This isn’t about stalling… But you move so damn fast!” I can’t be cross though – not with Jonne.

“We’ll keep your room at home like it is now. If you ever feel like spending the night there, you’re welcome. You’re keeping the keys and it will always remain your home, is that understood?” Jonne smiles and hugs me. “You have two homes now…”

I flash back to my childhood, when I had no home at all. Suddenly, emotions make it hard for me to swallow and I clutch Jonne tighter to me. “That means a lot to me…”

“I know it does…” Jonne says and rubs my back. “You’ll never be without a home – or family again.”

Unexpectedly, Tommi joins in the hug as well and embraces me from the back. Being held like this is exactly what I need and I calm down again. Jonne wipes at my face and I realize that I’m crying. “Sorry,” I whisper and wipe at my face myself.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tommi says and hugs me again. “If it means you’re happy, you can cry all you want.”

“It does mean I’m happy…” I admit and smile at my oldest brother. I might still have some problems, but having brothers like them makes up for a lot.

TBC

Part 3

“Evening, Jonne! Evening, Tommi! Bye, Jonne! Bye, Tommi!” I chuckle at seeing the confused expression on their faces as I rush into Eero’s room. They’re not going to slow me down from attaining my goal, which is holding Eero in my arms and kiss him!

I step into Eero’s room and find him on the bed. Sheets of paper and booklets surround him and he’s busy leafing through them. I didn’t know he had another test coming up. After acing the last one he took, they allowed him to skip some classes. “Hey, it’s me!”

I put my shoulder bag near the doorway and remove my coat as well. After getting rid of my boots, I climb onto the bed and crawl toward him. I’m careful not to mess up his paperwork though. “What’s going on here?” I recognize Eero’s handwriting on some of the papers, but there’s gibberish on the others.

“I kept journals through the years,” Eero explains softly. “I didn’t write everything done, but a lot. Most of the time, I keep them out of sight, but I got them out tonight.”

He sounds somber and I realize we’re about to have a serious conversation. I even have a feeling what this might be about, as we end up talking about making love more often. “Why did you do that?” I offer him an opening and try hard not to stare at his writing. I don’t want to pry on something private, but I can’t help being curious. Eero draws in a deep breath and then looks me in the eye. There’s an earnest expression in his eyes, but I don’t worry yet, as he comes across as calm and balanced.

“I talked to my therapist earlier today… We discussed the new apartment, our relationship – the usual.”

I nod: I know that he confides in his therapist and that’s fine with me. It struck me as odd when he had first told me about it, but I had quickly learned that he needed the feedback. Nowadays I don’t feel threatened about it and even encourage him to open up to her. “Go on…” Eero’s stalling; I know that tactic.

“I also tried to discuss the sexual side to our relationship with her, but I couldn’t… It’s too personal.”

That doesn’t surprise me. “But you talked to someone about it…” And my guess is Jonne.

“Yeah, I talked to Jonne about my fears… About wanting to make love to you and chickening out…”

I keep my distance and merely nod, as I’ve discovered that it’s the best way to make Eero up.

“My main fear is suffering a flash back to my childhood… Reliving what my foster father did to me…When we’re in the middle of making love…”

Eero blushes and I actually take that as a good sign. I would have worried more if he had grown pale.

“Jonne then mentioned something that made me think… He said that maybe I don’t need to be on the bottom when we make love…” Eero’s blush deepens and his fingers claw at the sheet of paper in his hand.

I blink, stare at him, and blink again. Then I realize how stupid I have been. “You assumed you would be on the bottom…” How utterly stupid of me! I should have known better – should have phrased it directly.

“Yeah, it never occurred to me that things could be different…” Eero lifts his head and looks at me. “I don’t know how to say this…”

“But I do! Eero, I never expected you to be on the bottom when we make love! You would be on top… Or rather, I would be riding you… So in a way that would make me on top, but not penetrating you…That was my plan for our first time together…” I do hope I got my message across this time – there’s no way Eero can misunderstand me now. “You would be inside me… And not the other way around…”

Eero stares at me in surprise, but then he looks away and I realize he’s being shy. Oh my, I never thought about talking everything through in detail. I simply assumed he knew I would never demand that of him. “I want to make love to you that way…” It would be best, since Eero has no experience being on top and that way, I could guide him through it.

Eero finally meets my gaze and I smile encouragingly at him. “We have been fools… I thought that you knew that I would never ask that of you and you thought that I…” I chuckle, since it’s getting too complicated. “Honestly, Eero… I’m perfectly fine with that arrangement…”

“I should have known…” Eero whispers. “But I panicked… sort of.”

“I’m glad we managed to do away with that stupid misunderstanding…” I open my arms and Eero moves into them. I hug him and press a kiss onto his hair. “I’m sorry it opened old wounds.”

Eero pulls away and reestablishes eye-contact. “I’m afraid that wound never closed to begin with.” He sounds infinitely sad and my heart goes out to him. “Maybe it will close when we finally make love…”

“Don’t pressure yourself… We have time, okay?” It’s important to me that he knows that. I won’t make love with him until I’m certain he’s ready for it. “So what about these journals?”

“I should put them away… Maybe burn them…”

“That’s quite drastic…. Why would you do that?” There are hundreds of sheets of paper on the bed. Eero must have spent a great deal of time writing.

“Because they hold the past… My foster-father comes alive when I read those pages…”

“You shouldn’t read them…” I really think he shouldn’t. “You don’t need to go through that again.”

“Maybe I will burn them…” Eero says and nods. “Maybe I should.”

“But not tonight…” I don’t want him to rush matters. “Let’s put them away and forget about them for now?” Eero nods, but doesn’t move, so I take action instead. I pull a cardboard box closer – one which stems from moving Eero to Jonne’s apartment—and put the journals into it. After a moment, Eero starts to help me. Once the paperwork is all inside, I close the box and shove it aside.

It’s time to distract him a little, reroute his thoughts and get him back on track with reality. “What did you do today? You didn’t call or text me, so I assume that you’ve been busy!” Normally Eero always calls or sends me a message, even if it’s only a ‘I love you’. Eero’s expression grows focused and he smiles at me.

“Jonne handed me the keys to our new apartment this morning! I didn’t expect that – not that soon… Which reminds me…” Eero reaches for the keys on the nightstand and removes one from the chain. “This one’s yours… Do you want Antti to have one as well?”

“Bloody hell no! I don’t want him mess up our lives!” I seriously don’t want Antti to be able to crash in on us. “But you should give Jonne one… Just in case we lose ours…” I trust Jonne to respect our privacy and I know it would mean a lot to Eero. Eero gives me an apologetic smile.

“I already did… I had hoped you would be okay with it.”

“I am okay with it,” I assure him and pocket the key. “Now that you have keys, did you go to the apartment?”

Eero nods enthusiastically. “We cleaned the place and got the kitchen cupboards ready and then Tommi appeared with the most amazing gift ever! Do you know what he got me? Do you?”

Eero’s come alive and I love seeing him this animated. I play along, raise my arms in surrender and call out, “Tell me! I have no idea at all!” Eero grins and elbows me lightly in the side. I grin at him and shrug.

“He gave me a bunch of framed pictures from our Oulu trip! And there are others too! I must show them to you tomorrow!”

I rub Eero’s back through his shirt and nod, realizing how much the gesture must mean to him. His brothers mean the world to him and for Tommi to do something like that must have made Eero loved. “That’s really a great gift.”

“Maybe we can put them up at the wall, if you’re okay with it? It doesn’t have to be the living room, but maybe in the hallway? They wouldn’t be in the way like that.”

I move my hand away from Eero’s back and toward his hair, which I stroke tenderly. “I have a better idea.” Eero looks at me expectantly and the expression makes me chuckle. “Why don’t we put one up in each room? That way, they’re always close… And let’s be honest… We don’t want them stuck out in the hallway, do we?” Eero suddenly wraps his arms around me and hugs me rather tightly – I draw in my breath in surprise and hope the vice-like embrace with loosen. I know I made him happy, but does he really have to squeeze the life out of me? “Eero…. I need to breathe,” I whisper when it becomes clear that he won’t let go anytime soon.

“Sorry,” Eero whispers, but I doubt he means it. He’s much too happy to repent squeezing me like that. “You made me happy just now.”

“Oh, Eero!” Now that I’m able to breathe again, I grin at him and ruffle his hair. “I know that…” Eero leans in closer again, but this time he keeps his embrace loose and tender. I bury my face in the crook of his shoulder and deeply inhale his scent. Damn, I really love him…

~~~

“Remind me again, why are we up at this ungodly hour?” It’s seven AM and Eero made me get up early on the one day I don’t have to head to the university. Feeling rather sleepy still, I wipe at my eyes. Somehow I managed to dress myself and now I’m sitting in Tommi’s car.

“IKEA will deliver our furniture today!” Eero rolls his eyes at me, but I catch the amusement in his eyes.

“Oh, the joys of assembling IKEA furniture,” I mutter beneath my breath. I still remember what it was like when I got my bed from IKEA. I fought it for many hours and in the end it defended me. I had needed Antti’s help in order to assemble it.

“Tommi’s actually quite good at that,” Jonne quips and looks at him from over his shoulder. He’s sitting next to Tommi while Arttu and I occupy the backseat.

“Ville’s good at it too…” Tommi adds. “And he’s bringing Pasi along for help.”

I’m surprised to hear that. “Ville’s good at building stuff?” I search my memory but can’t come up with any proof of that. “I remember him wrecking things though when he was drunk…”

“That’s in the past,” Tommi says firmly. “Ville bettered his life.”

Eero gives me a certain look that tells me to stop discussing Ville’s talents. He’s probably right; Tommi will defend his brother no matter what. We’ve arrived our apartment building, and after Tommi parked the car, we get out. “How late did they say they’d be here?”

“The people from IKEA or Ville and Pasi?” Jonne asks and he smiles, seeing Eero unlock the door.

“The IKEA truck from hell,” I explain and yawn. Shit, I’m still tired. “Do we already have a coffee maker at home, Eero?” Eero grins back at me.

“We do, but we don’t have coffee or coffee filters.”

I slap my hand against my forehead. “I’m fucked…”

“To answer your question,” Jonne says as we head for living room. “It should be here in thirty minutes…”

“Then why are we so early?” I could have slept for thirty more minutes!

“Because we need to decide where we want everything to go,” Eero says and wraps an arm around me. The touch placates me, but I still want coffee. I refuse to do anything before I had some! “You decide where to put the couch, coffee table and the other stuff that goes into the living room and leave the bedroom up to me. Do we have a deal?”

“We’ve got a deal if you manage to get me some coffee… Eero, I really need some…” I turn my best puppy dog look on him – which I don’t use often – and hope it will work.

“There’s a kioski around the corner… You can get some there…” Tommi looks about and smiles. “I liked the place the first time I saw it online… It’s great value for money.”

“You stay and wait for the IKEA people to get here and I’ll make sure you have coffee,” Eero whispers into my ear.

“Deal!” I nod enthusiastically. “And now get going…” Eero sighs, shakes his head at me in exasperation, but then leaves to get me my coffee. Now that he’s gone, I can get on with my plan. “Jonne, where did you put those framed pictures you gave Eero?” Jonne looks at me in surprise, but then points at a box in the corner of the room. “Good!” I uncover the hammer and nails which I brought along and remove a frame from the box. “Now what’s a good place for it?” I grin at seeing Eero, Jonne, and Ville embrace Oulu’s fat policeman. “Kitchen?” Jonne stares after me as I march into the kitchen.

I’m impressed; the only thing missing from the kitchen are the table and chairs, which will end up right there… Next to the window… So maybe, it would be best if I put the frame next to the window and above the kitchen table. That way Eero can always look at it.

Carefully, I hammer a nail into the wall, and I’m actually rather pleased that I didn’t hit my thumb while doing so. I put the framed picture on the wall and study my handiwork. It looks rather deserted there all by itself. “Jonne, bring me another one, will you?”

Jonne joins me a moment later and hands me another picture. I smile at seeing Eero and Tommi hug. I’m so very proud of Eero – for trusting Tommi the way he does nowadays. It wasn’t easy on him. I put it next to the first picture and nod. It looks better now.

“What are you doing?” Jonne frowns at me.

“I promised Eero that we put up the pictures you gave him… In each room… I want him to be able to look at them always… It’s important to him…” Jonne gives me an odd look, but then nods.

“That’s a nice thing of you to do,” he mutters.

“And now, excuse me, I have more work to do… I want them to be up by the time Eero gets here…” I pass by Jonne, smile at him, and retrieve the rest of the framed pictures.

~~~

Upon Eero’s return, about ten minutes later, he doesn’t notice the change at first. He carries coffee, coffee filters, a carton of milk and sugar in his arms and is on route to the kitchen without looking about. I grin, follow him, and lean against the wall, right next to the framed pictures. From the corner of my eye, I catch Jonne giving me an amused look.

Eero’s busy getting the coffee maker going and I start to whistle softly. As expected it catches Eero’s attention and he looks at me from over his shoulders. His lips part, as if to form words, but then he shuts his mouth again and stares right past me – at the pictures.

“When did you do that?” he asks and blinks in surprise.

“During the ten minutes you needed to fetch my coffee,” I reply and make my way over to him. I turn him toward me, curl my arms around him, and pull him close. “Do you like it?”

“Of course I do!” Eero smiles at me in such a way that my knees go weak. “I love you for doing that,” he adds and kisses me. Now my toes start to curl as well.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Tommi’s voice suddenly echoes through the kitchen. “But your furniture has arrived and you need to help carry it upstairs…”

I sigh regretfully; Tommi’s timing stinks. “We’ll help,” I whisper. “Although I know of better things to do with my time…” At that, Eero blushes and it makes me caress his face. “Come on, let’s get this show on the road.” Eero nods, and although I don’t want to release him, I must. The faster we work, the sooner the others leave and we get the place to ourselves.

~~~

Looks like we’re starting to make progress. I wander from room to room and check how everyone’s doing and if they need anything. At first, they told me to assemble the kitchen table, but when I threatened to wreck one of the legs, they banished me from the project – thankfully.

“Do you guys need anything in here?” I wish I had brought my camera with me. Seeing Pasi and Ville trying to assemble the bed is quite entertaining. They might make better progress if they stopped kissing each time they managed to get a part to fit.

“We’re fine!” Pasi says and gets back to work. “We’ll be ready in twenty.”

Somehow, I doubt that… I keep my comments to myself though and head for the kitchen where Tommi has finished putting the table together. He now moved on to the chairs and two of them are standing already. “You’re really good at this!” Tommi gives me the evil eye though and I quickly leave. I was merely trying to be nice!

I end up in the living room and whistle appreciatively. Jonne and Eero assembled the couch and are now working on the coffee table. “You’re quick!” I compliment them at which Eero smiles at me. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Do you think you can put up the curtains?” Jonne asks as he points at the fabric. “It’s all ready for use…”

Eero picked a warm, deep red color for the curtains and I must admit I really love it. It will give the living room a warm and welcome atmosphere. “I can try… I can’t make any promises though.” I pick up one of the curtains, climb the ladder and manage to attach it to the rails. “Does it look okay?” I ask Jonne just to make sure I did nothing wrong.

“Looking good… Now do the other one as well… And maybe you can put them up in the bedroom too!”

Wow, I found something I’m good at! I didn’t wreck anything! “Sure, I can do that.” I finish the second curtain as well and head for the bedroom, where I catch Ville and Pasi making out. They stop when they see me, and Ville colors a lovely shade of red. “You said it would be ready twenty… You have only five minutes left.”

“We’re on it,” Ville says in a guilty voice.

Now that I’m busy putting up the curtains, they get to work. They probably don’t want an audience while making out.

“Done!” Pasi announces five minutes later. He got the frame in place and needs to put on the slatted bed base. Then we can put the mattresses on top of them. I give them a hand with the mattresses as they are heavy and bulky.

Pleased, I sit down on the mattress and then lie down on my back, testing the mattresses. When we had picked them, they had felt just right – not too hard and not too soft. I hope we made the right decision. “We have got a bed…” I whisper and chuckle. Hopefully we will spend many interesting nights in it.

I wonder where they put the duvets, pillows, and bedlinen. If I manage to find them I can ready the bed and maybe we can even spend the night here tonight. I catch sight of the duvets and remove them from their protective bags.

“You need to put on these before you can move on to those,” Pasi says, handing me the sheets.

“Thanks… Can you give me a hand?” I don’t want them to feel left out… After all, they managed to assembled the bed! Pasi smiles and starts to work on one side of the bed, while I put the sheet on the other. Ville’s putting the covers onto the duvets and pillows and I realize I feel happy. It’s finally happening; Eero and I are moving in together. This is home now!

Eero picked more warm colors for the bedroom and I like it. A bedroom should always feel warm and inviting. Suddenly, I get an idea. Maybe I can go out, buy candles, and make things even more romantic. That would be a great way to celebrate our first night at the new apartment!

“I like the feel to your new apartment,” Pasi says unexpectedly. “I have got the feeling that you’ll love coming home in the evening.”

I nod. “The apartment is just another bonus though – what I really want is to come home to Eero.” It’s true – even if we lived in a dump like the apartment Eero had picked, I would still come home happily because Eero would be there.

“What’s this?”

Ah, Ville found the carpet! I use a knife to cut away the plastic and the carpet unrolls by itself. I smile at Ville, who gives me an understanding nod. This time, Eero didn’t pick red but a lovely warm shade of brown. “Where do you think we should put it?”

Ville moves it to the side of the bed, in-between the doorway and the bed itself and I must admit it look good there. Maybe Eero has other plans for it, but as far as I’m concerned it can stay there. “Do you guys want something to drink? We still got coffee… And Eero fetched donuts and pastries earlier.”

“Coffee would be great…” Pasi says.

“I trust you know your way about – just head for the kitchen,” I tell them. “I’m checking on Jonne and Eero…”

Pasi shakes his head at me, takes Ville’s hand in his, and they leave the room. I waste no time either and head for the living room. When I step into it, I hold my breath. It looks cozy, warm, and inviting. The gray couch looks great in front of the white wall and the red carpet gives it a warm touch. “It feels like home already…” I whisper privately and draw in a deep breath in contentment.

Jonne and Tommi – Tommi? Wasn’t he busy in the kitchen? – finished assembling the shelf unit that will house our television, once we have the money to buy one. I walk toward Eero, who rises from the floor upon seeing me, and wrap my arms around him. “The place looks amazing… It feels like home…” Eero nods and smiles happily at me. “If it were up to me we stay here and don’t go back to our brothers’ apartments tonight.”

Eero considers my suggestion, but then shakes his head. “Some of the lamps aren’t working yet and we still need to clean the bathroom… Maybe if we come back tomorrow and fix the lamps, we can stay the night… But not yet.”

The expression in his eyes tells me that it’s not the real reason why he wants to go to Jonne’s place tonight. There’s another reason for him not wanting to spend the night here and I accept that. I don’t know Eero’s reason for doing so, but I trust his judgment. I can wait – if it’s important to him.

“You might want to consider buying some floor and table lamps,” Jonne says thoughtfully. “The ceiling lamps won’t do.”

“We will look into it…” Eero says as he leans in closer to kiss me. “But not today…”

I agree. “Let’s have coffee and something to eat and then we’ll relax… Maybe take a long hot shower and write down the things we still need to make this apartment our home?”

“Our home…” Eero says, repeating my words. “This is our home now…”

“I like the sound of that too,” I assure him and hug him tight. I turn my head and seek out Jonne’s eyes. He nods and smiles too. Jonne’s fine with us making this our home, which is good. Eero will always be welcome at Jonne’s place, but this is our home now… Just ours.

TBC

Part 4

“Jonne?” I remain standing in the doorway as I don’t want to intrude. Jonne’s stretched on the couch and channel surfing. He looks up at hearing my voice and gestures for me to come closer. Jonne makes room for me by pulling his knees up to his chest and I sit down next to him. “Can I talk to you or are you busy?”

“Being busy with being bored,” Jonne replies with a smile and then nods at me. “We can talk… But tell me, where did you leave Arttu? Most of the time, he acts like your shadow!”

Jonne’s comment makes me chuckle softly. “He’s taking a shower…” I grow serious again though as I want to discuss this in earnest. “I talked to Arttu about…our…first…time…” I can’t help feeling nervous now that I’m addressing it again. Jonne moves, puts a cushion against the armrest, and reclines against it. He stretches his legs and puts them across my legs. The movement brings a smile to my face and I rest my hands on his knees. In a way, it feels rather intimate, and maybe it’s exactly the kind of reassurance that I need.

“What did Arttu say?”

Jonne probably knows what Arttu said, but I appreciate the fact that he’s giving me a chance to tell him. “He said that he wouldn’t mind me being on top… He felt guilty for not making that clear from the start. He assumed I’d know that…” I shrug. “I’m happy with the outcome, Jonne… Who knows, maybe I’ll actually find the courage to go ahead.” Jonne sighs deeply and fixes me with his eyes.

“Don’t pressure yourself, Eero. Arttu will wait for you… He knows that sex is just that – sex. What really matters is the relationship itself – the love and trust between the two of you.”

Jonne’s probably right, but I still feel something is missing without us having sex. “Can I ask you something personal?” I’m not sure I should do this, but I’m curious.

“Sure, ask! What do you want to know?”

The amused twinkling in Jonne’s eyes tells me that it’s okay for me to continue. “What was your first time like?”

Jonne chuckles. “I should have known it would be something like that… So you want to know about my first time? Well, I might actually shock you. My first time was with Antti when I was sixteen. We were drunk and Antti pushed his hand beneath my boxers… He got me hard – and horny. We ended up doing the deed… Antti was rather determined to have his wicked way with me and I wasn’t protesting.”

“Did you like it?” Antti? His first time was with Antti? I had never expected to hear that!

“The sex was good, which is surprising if you consider the fact that we were both drunk. But Antti was careful and took his time… I have fond memories of my first time and I hope you’ll feel the same way in time.”

“You had sex with my brother?”

Arttu’s voice suddenly cuts through the room and I roll my eyes at hearing it. I should have known that he would come looking for me. “You weren’t supposed to hear that!” I turn my head toward Arttu and glare at him – well, I try, but I end up smiling instead, because he’s standing there wearing my favorite green T-shirt. I look at Jonne, wondering if he’s upset about Arttu’s sudden appearance, but he’s smiling too.

“I’m surprised Antti never told you… He was rather proud of his achievement back then… The first thing he did was to tell Larry about it…” Jonne grins and shakes his head. “And because of that, Tommi found out about it… Let’s say, he wasn’t pleased that I was sleeping around at that tender age.”

Arttu walks over to the couch, and when Jonne pulls away his legs, Arttu slides onto my lap. He leans in and buries his face against my shoulder. “Antti never mentioned it… I had no idea something like that ever happened between the two of you. I know he likes guys – and girls, -- but still, this is unexpected.”

“Antti changed through the years… I’ll never call him serious, but he learned to respect other people’s privacy…” Jonne grins again. “Unfortunately, Larry took over – recording everything with his damn camera!”

Jonne doesn’t seem upset though so I guess he was okay with it. Now that he mentioned Larry’s camera, I’m reminded of the framed pictures they gave me. “Thanks again for your present… The pictures make the place feel like home…” I look at Arttu now and caress his face. “And thanks for putting them up.”

“You’re welcome,” Arttu replies and kisses me on the lips. “I want you to be happy and if putting them up accomplishes that, it’s my pleasure to do so.”

“When are the two of you moving into the apartment?” Jonne wants to know. “We only need to take care of some details and then you can move into it.”

Arttu looks toward me for the answer and it’s time to confess up. “We could have stayed there tonight, but I didn’t feel comfortable yet… I need time to get used to the idea of living there… Of getting used to new surroundings…and I want the lamps to work properly… I want to see where I’m going.”

Jonne nods. “You need to feel safe – that’s okay… Take your time…”

Arttu suddenly moves closer and whispers in my ear, “Eero, I want to go to bed… Are you coming along or do you want to stay with Jonne?”

“I’m coming along…” I don’t want Arttu to feel left out – he probably understands that I needed to talk to Jonne in private, but still… Arttu gets to his feet and pulls me to mine. “Night, Jonne… See you in the morning.” Jonne smiles and whispers goodnight in turn. I take Arttu’s hand in mine and we make our way into the bedroom.

While Arttu slips between the covers, I undress and join him in bed. He opens his arms and I move into them. I rest my head against his shoulder and cuddle up to him.

“You still worry about our sex life, but you don’t need to… I wish you’d understand that,” Arttu remarks after a moment. His fingertips slide across my face and caress my skin. “I love you, Eero… The way you are. You don’t need to change for me … You don’t need to put this pressure on yourself.”

I swallow hard; I know that Arttu loves me no matter what. “Arttu, taking the next step is important to me. I want to close that dark chapter in my past and to start a new one.” I moisten my lips and avert my gaze. “And I want to know what’s like – to make love with you.” I really want to know what it feels like.

“Eero, look at me? Please?” Arttu’s tone alerts me and I raise my head in order to look at him. “Are you serious? Do you really want to know what it’s like? Or are you saying that because you think it’s what I want to hear?”

I understand why he’s asking, but he doesn’t need to worry. “I want it… I want to know what it’s like. I will be nervous as hell, and probably scared, but… I don’t want to feel like that for the rest of my life. I know that you love me and will never hurt me and I want to trust you.”

A thoughtful expression settles on Arttu’s face and then he nods. “I have a suggestion to make – a proposal… Would you like to make love the first night we spend in our apartment? I would take great care to make it special for you and you don’t have to worry about a thing. You can leave everything to me…”

I read between the lines and add, “And you’ll let me decide when we spend that first night in our apartment…” Arttu nods and confirms my suspicions, but in a way, I don’t like it. “You’re giving me a chance to chicken out and you shouldn’t do that… This way, we will never spend the night there and I will run home to Jonne instead.”

Arttu doesn’t seem convinced and frowns. “What do you want me to do then? Set a date?”

“Actually that might be exactly what I need…” Everyone has been going on about me pressuring myself, but the truth is that I’ve been taking the easy way out for too long. I need to face my fears, otherwise I’ll never overcome them. “I want you to do just that – set a date.”

Arttu’s features contort. “I’m sorry, Eero, but I can’t do that. I would feel like forcing you into something you don’t want to do.”

Upon hearing that, I realize that I’ve been unfair. It’s not up to Arttu to set the date, it’s up me. I had better decide this before I get cold feet again. “Tomorrow… We will stay at the apartment tomorrow and we will make love!” Arttu gives me a concerned look though. “Am I moving too fast for you?”

“You might be moving too fast… Eero, I would make love to you right now if that’s what you wanted, but… Are you sure you’re not rushing things?”

“Everybody keeps asking me that!” Frustrated, I move out of his arms, sit upright, and turn my back toward him. “Everybody thinks they know what’s best for me…” I count to ten, and once I feel a bit calmer again, I turn around and face Arttu. “It’s best for *me* to do things this way… Give me some credit, please.”

Arttu sits up too and gives me a pensive look. “If you think this is the right way to handle things… All right, we have a deal… We will make love tomorrow… In our new apartment…in our new bed…”

“You take the lead,” I quickly add. “I need that.”

“I will…” Arttu opens his arms again and I move into them. “I’ll take good care of you… I’ll make you feel good – I promise.”

“I believe you…” Now that I made my decision I’m determined not to chicken out. I want to do this, and now that I know when we will make love, I can mentally prepare myself for it.

~~~

When I wake the next morning, I’m surprised to find Arttu still in bed with me. Doesn’t he have any lectures to attend today? Well, never mind, I enjoy having him close and curl myself around him. I slide my fingers into his hair and caress his neck. Arttu’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I feel grateful that he entered my life.

“You’re watching me…” Arttu says unexpectedly while his eyes remain closed. “Should I worry?”

“No,” I reassure him. “I was merely thinking how grateful I am to have you in my life.”

Arttu opens his eyes, yawns, and stretches. “I love you too…”

I move closer, press my lips onto his, and kiss him. Arttu tastes sweet; he always does, and when he parts his teeth, I deepen the kiss by slipping my tongue inside his mouth. At the same time, I slide a hand beneath the T-shirt he’s wearing and rub his chest. I’m hard, and so is he… Maybe I can give him release… Arttu suddenly moves his arms up behind my back and pulls me atop of him. The action makes me sigh and I grind my groin against his erection. “I love you,” I whisper into his ear before gently biting into his earlobe.

Arttu’s hands travel down my ass. He slips them beneath my boxers and slides down the fabric. Together, we manage to remove them and I can’t help but blush now that I’m naked. It’s something that happens involuntarily and I can’t control it.

“You’re beautiful,” Arttu whispers into my ear and then licks down my throat.

I swallow hard; I wish I could stop being nervous each time we get intimate, but as I said, it’s something I can’t control. “You’re wearing too many clothes…” Arttu grins at me, and with my assistance, we rid him of his T-shirt. “Why are you wearing my clothes anyway?”

“They carry your scent,” Arttu explains as he slides his boxers down his legs. “And I love the way you smell.” Now that we’re both naked, the skin-on-skin contact is even more intense. I bury my face against his shoulder and bite playfully, at which Arttu chuckles. “You little vampire… You’re after my blood!”

His comment makes me suck his skin and I give him an innocent smile. “That’s because you taste good…” I regret being unable to give him a blow job, but that’s one thing I’m definitely never going to try. I would end up choking and driving myself back into memories. Instead, I curl my fingers around Arttu’s cock and slowly massage him as I don’t want him to come just yet.

Arttu raises an arm, slides his fingers into my hair, and strokes it behind my ear. The look of love in his eyes takes me aback and I feel shy again. One year ago I hadn’t thought I could ever trust someone in this way. Back then, a mere touch had made me flinch. I have come a long way, but I’m not there yet. I groan at feeling Arttu run his thumb up and down my length. It’s a teasing touch and increases my arousal.

“Make me come, Eero… Make me come…”

Arttu’s right hand settles on my ass and he squeezes it – something he likes to do when he’s aroused. His left rubs my nipples and that makes it difficult for me to concentrate on making him come. I lean in closer, claim his lips – a bit more forcefully than I normally would, and kiss him with all the passion I feel inside. I speed up massaging him and then release his lips. I leave a wet trail from his lips to his right nipple and suck at it – hard. Arttu surges beneath me, thrusts into my hand, and bites onto his bottom lip when he climaxes. I steal a look at him as he orgasms because I love the expression in his eyes when he comes.

Arttu’s eyes take on a sated and even lazy expression and a cat-like grin forms on his face. “Love you,” he whispers and gives me a quick kiss. “My turn,” he announces wickedly and rolls me onto my back.

In the beginning, I tried to tell him that he didn’t have to make me come – that I could do it myself, but I learned – and accepted – that Arttu loves touching me. Sometimes I think it gives him an even bigger high than finding actual release. Maybe it’s because he worked so hard on gaining my trust – maybe he feels special because I allow him to do that for me – to make me come… I don’t know… and when Arttu unexpectedly closes his lips around my cock, I stop caring.

He slips a hand beneath my ass to control my movement and then gets to work in earnest. He’s damn good in making me come this way – he knows how to draw out the moment or push me over the edge – whatever he wants to do at that moment. I turn into jelly each time he gives head and Arttu knows it.

I lift my head so I can look at him. Arttu looks absolutely pleased with himself as he licks up and down my cock. “Arttu, I’m…” I’m about to come and want to warn him, but like always, Arttu reacts by intensifying his ministrations. As a result, he pushes me over the edge. While waves of pleasure wash over me, Arttu moves closer and pulls me into his arms. I need a moment to compose myself, but when I do, I look him in the eyes and whisper a thank you. I always do as a reminder not to take Arttu for granted.

Arttu reacts by kissing me again and teasingly licking my bottom lip. “You don’t need to thank me…”

I know that, but I still do. Arttu will never fully understand how much his love means to me. He never lived through what I did.

“We should clean up… We made a mess,” Arttu hints wickedly. “Are you up for a quick shower?”

Actually, I’m up for a long shower…

~~~

I took a little longer to shower and find the bedroom empty when I enter it again. I wonder where Arttu disappeared to, and while rubbing my hair dry with a towel, I go in search of him.

“Jonne, please, can you take Eero off my hands this evening? I need some time alone in the apartment…”

I frown at hearing Arttu talking to my brother. I refrain from entering the living room and eavesdrop at the doorway.

“Why? What are you up to?” Jonne asks.

“I want to prepare a few things for our first night together… Get out some candles… stuff like that… Make it welcoming…”

I blink: Arttu’s really determined to make tonight special.

“Alright… I’ll ask him to have dinner with me… I can’t guarantee he’ll say yes though…”

“I have faith in you, Jonne. If anyone can convince Eero, it’s you!”

So Arttu’s using Jonne to lure me away from the apartment? I’ll let him get away with it for this time… but only this time!

“Thanks, Jonne, I owe you!”

It sounds like the end of their conversation and I quickly head for the kitchen. I busy myself making coffee as I don’t want Arttu to grow suspicious. It takes Arttu a few minutes to find me, and I realize I worried needlessly. He never suspected I was listening in on them.

“Ah, there you are! I was looking for you!” Arttu says upon entering the kitchen. He moves behind me, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me against his chest. “I must leave you in a bit… Unfortunately there’s a lecture I need to attend and I promised Antti to drop by, but I promise to be yours tonight…”

I play along. “How late will you show up at the apartment tonight? Jonne and I still need to fix some things and I want to be ready by the time you arrive.”

“How about nine o’clock? You should be done by that time…”

“Nine sounds good.” I turn around in the embrace and while thinking back to my wake-up call, I blush. “I still want us to make love tonight.”

Arttu nods. “We will.” He leans in closer, presses a kiss onto my lips, and then steps away from me. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go…”

“That’s okay… Pay attention in class, will you?” I tease him. Arttu merely grins, as he moves toward the doorway. Before he leaves, he waves at me, and now that I’m alone, I get out a pan. For some reason I’m in the mood for bacon and eggs.

“What are you doing?”

Jonne’s voice sounds from behind me and I look at him from over my shoulder. “I’m hungry.”

“Ah, don’t let me stop you!” Jonne pours himself a cup of coffee and sits down at the kitchen table, where I join him a few minutes later. I carry my plate with me, put it down, and start eating. Jonne grins at me though and gives me a wink. “I wonder if you’ll leave your bed when you have the apartment to your own.”

I roll my eyes back at hearing that. “Trust me, I will.”

Jonne sips from his coffee and asks, “Do you need to go to the university or do you want to head to your place at once?”

My place… That sounds odd. “I’d like to get the apartment ready… Arttu made plans for tonight,” I hint.

Jonne continues to grin. “The night will be perfect, you wait and see.”

I hope Jonne’s right – I really hope so.

~~~

After spending most of the day at the apartment with Jonne, I pretend ignorance and allow him to take me out for dinner. We end up at a small Italian restaurant, and although I want to eat, I feel too nervous to actually put food into my mouth. Instead I carefully sip from the glass of white wine which I ordered, as I don’t want to end up drunk.

“Do you worry about…tonight?” Jonne asks delicately while twirling the water in his glass.

I shrug, then nod, and in the end, I give Jonne a helpless look. “Perhaps.”

“You can trust Arttu… You really can,” Jonne says in an attempt to reassure me and puts his hand on top of mine. “He’ll never hurt you… He has your best interest in mind at all times.”

“I know that.” I sigh deeply. “I don’t worry about Arttu… I worry about me screwing up… What if I decide I don’t want to have sex at the last moment?”

“Arttu won’t be pissed off – you know that… He might even expect you to call it off…”

Jonne’s words make me frown. Arttu expects me to chicken out? Can I blame him though? “I don’t want to call it off – I want to do this.”

“Then trust Arttu,” Jonne offers as he strokes the sensitive skin near my wrist. “Have faith in him.”

I draw in a deep breath and nod. That’s exactly what I need to do – to trust Arttu and to stop worrying!

~~~

My hand trembles when I unlock the door to our apartment that evening. When I walked up to the building, I noticed that the lights were on, so that tells me that Arttu already arrived. I don’t know what he’s up to – exact for lighting candles and it makes me even more nervous. Fuck, I don’t want to screw up! Postponing won’t work either though, as I’ll always remain nervous.

“Eero, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me!” Whom does he expect to show up tonight? Only Jonne has another key and Arttu told my brother about his plans so it’s unlikely Jonne will show up. “I’m heading for the kitchen in case you need to find me!” I don’t want to enter the bedroom yet. Maybe Arttu hasn’t finished his preparations – whatever they are – and I don’t want to ruin his plans.

“I’ll join you in a minute!”

I enter the kitchen, grab some bottled water, and sit down at the kitchen table. It’s odd to be here – my new home – our place. It looks new, but also very cozy, as I spent most of the day doing some last minute decorating – with Jonne helping out of course. I would have been lost without him – Jonne however knew exactly what color cushions to get, or what design for the table cloth. We also bought lots of plants and the apartment feels alive now. I sip from the water and realize that I’m still shaking – damn it. Why can’t I turn it off? I don’t want to feel like this; fucking scared.

“Ah, there you are! You’re early!”

I check the time. “It’s five minutes to nine… I don’t call that early.” That’s being on time as far as I’m concerned. Arttu straddles the chair next to me and gives me a brilliant smile. He dressed up for tonight. He’s wearing his favorite black clothes and he even applied make-up. He styled his hair and I can smell his cologne from where I’m sitting. I avert my gaze, suddenly feeling awkward because I didn’t bother looking my best. I stayed at the restaurant with Jonne and then headed to the apartment. I probably stink of pizza.

“Eero? Look at me, please?”

I release a sigh, raise my head, and meet his gaze. “I’m nervous… As I told you…”

“That’s okay… I’m nervous too.”

I blink at hearing that. “Why are you nervous?”

“Because tonight’s important to me… I want to make you feel good, but it’s our first time together and I still need to find out what you like best…” Arttu pauses, but then adds, “First times are like that. We have known each other for one year now, and in a way, I’m glad we waited to take this final step. At least we’re sure we want to do this… You *do* want to do this, don’t you, Eero? And remember, you can always tell me no…”

“I want to do this… I really do… I’m just a bit nervous…”

“Nervous is fine… As long as you’re not scared…”

I shake my head at Arttu. “I’m not scared of you… I could never be scared of you… You love me… I know you… And you’ll never hurt me…” Arttu moves his chair closer to mine, slides an arm around my waist, and rests his brow against mine. “And that’s why I’ll trust you tonight… I’ll let you take the lead… I have faith in you.”

“That’s right,” Arttu says tenderly. “You can trust yourself to me… I’ll take good care of you – always.”

That moment, I make the decision to do this – no matter what will happen. I’ll trust Arttu… I press my lips onto his and seal our love with a kiss.

TBC

Part 5

Eero’s acting tough, but I can tell he’s more than just nervous. Deep down, he’s scared, but probably not willing to admit that to himself. I’m determined to be extremely careful around him, and even if Eero won’t tell me to stop, I will if I feel he’s forcing himself to do this. “I’ve got an idea…” I whisper and continue to caress his arm. “How about we move this into to the bedroom?” Let’s start innocently.

Eero nods, but doesn’t get to his feet until I do. I take his hand into mine and guide him toward the bedroom. His hand feels cold and clammy and tells me exactly how anxious he is. “Everything will be fine…” But I also know that my reassure will do little in order to calm Eero. Maybe he’s right – maybe we need to get this over with, but I refuse to rush things. I open the bedroom door and step aside so he can take in the room.

Eero blinks, stares at the room, and then looks at me. I hope it’s not tears which I see in his eyes for it was never my intention to make him cry. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I wrap my arm around his shoulders and pull him against me. Did I do something wrong when I put out the scented candles?

“Nothing’s wrong… It’s perfect…” Eero leans against me and deeply exhales. “You surprised me, that’s it…”

“I’m glad you like it!” After Eero and Jonne had left the apartment, I had moved in. I had bought a white mosquito net, which I fastened above the bed and I worked some white and shiny Christmas lights into the fabric. I had found those in a storage box at Antti’s place. To complete the romantic setting, I’d I bought a heart, made of red felt, which I had placed above our bed. The candles offer enough light for us to see properly and also spread a fruity aroma through the room.

“I do…” Eero says, but then frowns as he looks as me. “But why is there a large towel on the bed? Don’t you like the bedlinen I bought?”

I chuckle and shake my head. “There’s nothing wrong with the bedlinen, but maybe we can give each other a massage in order to relax?” It might also arouse Eero and get him in the right mood. I want him to relax before we make love. Eero nods and seems to like the idea, which is perfect. “You can start by giving me one!” I press the bottle with massage oil into his hand, undress, and then stretch on my stomach. The last thing I saw before lying down was an odd mix of shock and challenge on Eero’s face. “I’m waiting,” I tell him when he doesn’t move.

“I need to lose my clothes first,” he replies in a rough voice, which tells me that he’s more nervous than he wants me to know. I raise my head a little, look at him from over my shoulder, and realize he’s blushing fiercely. Ah, well, I prefer him being nervous to being scared. Once he’s naked, I rest my forehead on my arms and close my eyes. We gave each other massages in the past, but never in such an intimate setting and with us being naked.

A moment later, the mattress dips and Eero slips onto the bed. I peek at him and see him kneeling next to me, staring at the bottle, and then at me. He seems rather clueless and it makes me chuckle. “Why don’t you straddle my lower back? That way I’m in easy reach,” I suggest and wink at him. Eero nods and finally catches on. He puts on leg to my right and slips into place. Feeling his weight on top of me is nice and I smile into the mattress. I wasn’t sure before, but now I’m starting to think we might actually have sex tonight. “The oil?”

Eero curses softly, but then something wet and warm drizzles onto my back. He’s getting to work then! Eero is good at giving massages, if he wants to. My back and neck always give me trouble when I study for too long and he’s an expert at massaging the pain away. Eero’s hands settle on my back; his first moves are slow and hesitant, but he quickly picks up in speed and pressure.

“You’re fucking good at this,” I moan in pleasure. The tension leaves my body and I relax. “You can use more oil, you know…” I hint, as I want it be a sensual massage and not another one which Eero gives me because I ache. I chuckle the next moment Eero adds a lot more oil and his hands slither all over my back and shoulders. “You can move a bit lower too,” I quip. “My ass feels neglected.” Eero distinctly draws in his breath at hearing that and it takes him a moment to make up his mind. Then he complies though and straddles my legs instead of my waist.

I know that he loves to touch my ass, but he’s hesitant about it. It always takes him some time before he lets his hands wander to my backside. “More oil?” I tell him, letting him know what I want, and yes, Eero adds more oil and finally his fingers find my ass and squeeze it. “Yes….” I purr contently. “I love that…”

I stop feeding Eero hints in order to find out what he wants to do himself. Eero continues the massage, which makes me feel good. His hands roam my back mostly, but every so often they work on my ass as well. I enjoy the pampering for another five minutes and then turn my head in order to look at him. “Can I do the same thing for you?” Eero licks his bottom lip, a sure sign he’s still nervous, but at least he stopped shaking.

“You can…” Eero says eventually.

“Great, then lie down… On your front or back, whatever makes you more comfortable.” I have to be careful; Eero told me about the abuse at his foster father’s hands, but he never gave me any details. I reckon he might prefer to lie down on his back, instead of his front, because he might want to see me. I was right; Eero lies down on his back and keeps our gazes locked. I’m fine with that—actually it’s perfect for what I have in mind. I reach toward the nightstand and switch on the CD-player. Soothing relaxation music flows through the room and it hope the CD will help Eero let go some more. I take hold of the oil and make sure the condom is still in place beneath my pillow. I don’t want to go looking for it when we’re ready.

“I love you…” I tell Eero and bend down to kiss him. “I love you so much…” I shower his face with kisses and when I put one kiss on the tip of his nose, he giggles; that must have tickled. “And it’s great not having to worry about someone walking in on us… This is our place now, Eero… We will grow old together here…” Eero raises his right arm, touches my face with his fingertips, and I take hold of his hand in order to kiss his digits. The gesture makes him giggle and I can tell he’s growing more relaxed. He feels less tense beneath me and the expression in his eyes has changed. “Just you and me…”

I pour the oil in my hands, warm it up, and only then place my hands against his chest. Eero’s eyes widen, but not due to fear – he’s finally getting excited too. He’s growing hard beneath me and that’s exactly what I want. “I love touching you… I love the way your expression changes when you get horny…” I give him a wink and Eero grows flustered again. My hands roam his upper body and I stay clear from his groin for now. His nipples are rather sensitive and I want to make good use of that.

I rub them until they’re hard and then play with them some more. I tug at them, roll them between my fingertips, and squeeze them lightly. At the same time, I seek out his lips and engage his tongue in a playful dance. Eero closes his eyes and it tells me that he’s relaxed and no longer fearful. He wouldn’t close them otherwise as he always wants to see me when he’s uncertain. “I love you…” I lick my way from his mouth to his ear where I nibble on his earlobe. During the last year, I found out his sensitive spots and that knowledge helps me to make him feel relaxed. “I want to make love to you…” Drawing this out won’t help – I’ve realized that by now. If we want to do this, we need to get it on.

As expected, Eero opens his eyes again. After looking at me for a minute, he nods his head, and when he speaks, his voice is raw with emotions. “I want that too... I really do…”

Eero wants this; I have to remember that, even if he freezes up on me. I need to remember that this is a major step for him and that it’s up to me to make it a success. Under different circumstances that thought might make me nervous, but this is Eero. I love him and we both want this, and yes, I will make this good for him. “In that case, we need this…” I reach for the package and show him the condom.

“You know what the good part is?” I whisper and wiggle my eyebrows in a way that I know will make him laugh. When he chuckles, and then nods, I add, “It comes with lubrication…” Actually I stole it from Jonne, who keeps his supply in the bathroom. Although the hint of a smile remains on Eero’s face, I can tell he’s growing serious again.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Eero asks me all of a sudden and the question makes me frown. Shouldn’t I be the one asking him that? “You might end up hurt,” he explains.

“Not if we’re careful and go slow. Eero, I’ve done this before… I know what to do…” I didn’t have that many boyfriends in the past, but I had some, and I always loved sex so I ended up in bed with all five of them. “Trust me?”

Eero nods and I take that as my cue to proceed. His erection weakened during our conversation, and as I need him hard, I set out to arouse him again. I curl my fingers around his cock, squeeze it lightly, and at the same time, I bite playfully into his neck, knowing the effect it will have on him. Eero doesn’t disappoint me: he throws back his head to give me better access and squirms beneath me. He’s growing hard again, and as I don’t want him to come yet, I let go of his cock and tease his testicles instead. Eero groans deeply: so he likes being touched there… I need to keep that in mind.

I bite into the package, tear it open with my teeth, and once I’ve got the condom in my hand, I fling the package onto the floor. Eero stares at me with surprise, but then he nods again. I grin at him and roll the condom down his cock until it’s in place. I stroke his thighs, let my fingers roam higher, and finish by rolling his nipples between my fingers again. So far, so good!

“Arttu…” Eero whispers suddenly and I search his gaze. Did he change his mind after all?

“Be careful… I don’t want you to get hurt…”

“I’ll be careful, I promise…” I kiss him on the lips in a halfhearted attempt to silence him and then move into position. I wrap one hand around Eero’s cock and slowly lower myself onto it. It’s been a while since I had sex and it takes a moment to get used to the sensation again. There’s isn’t any pain – not exactly, but there’s certainly some discomfort. I ignore it the best I can and slip into his lap, taking in the rest of him. “You feel great,” I tell him when I notice the worried expression in his eyes. “I want this too, remember? I want to feel you in this way…” I lean in closer to kiss him and it’s the pause my body needs as it adapts to the invasion. “Just great,” I whisper into his ear.

Curling my fingers around my cock, I stroke my erection into full hardness again. It doesn’t take me long to grow aroused again and I seek out his lips. I kiss him and thrust my pelvis toward him as I’m curious to see how he will react to that. Eero moans and closes his eyes again – bingo! That means we can proceed. “I’m going to ride you, Eero… Bring us both to orgasm… Fuck, you feel good…” Normally I’m not much of a talker in bed, but I reckon it’s important I talk right now. Eero needs the reassurance.

All Eero does is to groan louder and it makes me want to move. Testing his reaction, I circle my hips, and that way, I draw another series of moans from his lips. I always fantasized about making him come in this way and now that’s actually happening it gives me an incredible adrenaline rush. We’re finally making love…

“Arttu…”

Eero doesn’t need to tell me what’s going on. I know that he’s too close to the edge, and as I don’t want him to come yet, I still my movements. Instead, I kiss him and caress his face. He opens his eyes again and the expression in them takes me aback. I stroke his hair, kiss his eyelids, and then start moving again, judging the time ready for us to come. I move slowly and intently– I rather make love to him like that –intensely – than fucking him out of his mind. We can do that later once he’s become more comfortable with us having sex.

“I love…you… Arttu…” Eero whispers emotionally. His voice trembles and so does his hand when he touches my face. “I love you…”

Slowly, but insistently, I push him toward his climax. Eero thrusts upwards, his features relax, and a sigh leaves his lips when he climaxes. It’s a beautiful sight to behold and I hope I will see it often in the future. As I don’t want to be left behind, I bring myself to orgasm with a few strokes. I throw back my head and whisper his name. Eero suddenly wraps his arms around me and pulls me down, toward him. He buries me in an embrace and I smile against his shoulder. I feel great and the smile on Eero’s face tells me that he feels good too. I hadn’t thought making love would prove to be so effortlessly. I had expected him to cancel everything or to breakdown, but instead he enjoyed it. I’m so happy for the both of us.

“That was…amazing,” Eero whispers into my ear. “I didn’t know it would be like that… I love you, Arttu… I love you even more now – although I didn’t think it was possible.”

I raise my head and look him in the eyes. “I love you too, Eero… Thanks for trusting me…” His faith in me – his trust in me, made this possible. If he hadn’t trusted me we would have failed.

“I trust you with my life,” Eero says as he caresses my face. “And I love you with the whole of my heart… You’re my everything.”

I should have expected him to become emotional at this point, but Eero still surprises me. “You mean the world to me too, Eero…” I rest my head against his shoulder and savor the intimacy. We took an important step today, and yes, we did the right thing. Eero might have been correct about us giving him ways to chicken out in the past. He needed to pressure himself a bit. I close my eyes and focus on Eero, who’s stroking my hair. This is perfect… The world is perfect, Eero is, and so is our love – just perfect!

~~~

One hour later, I find Eero in the living room. He curled up on the couch and covered himself with a fleece blanket. It’s not cold in the room, so I suspect it’s more for comfort than because he feels cold. I’m about to enter the room when I realize he’s on the phone. I don’t want to eavesdrop, but I’m curious.

“No, Jonne, you don’t need to drop by… I’m fine… I really am! Actually, I’m better than fine… I feel great!”

Eero’s enthusiastic tone brings a smile to my face. I’m happy that I was able to do this for him – that I could take away part of his fears and his worries.

“Yeah, we had sex… Yeah, everything went well… Jonne! Don’t ask me that!”

Even from the distance where I’m standing at, I can tell that Eero’s blushing. Whatever Jonne asked, it’s making him feel embarrassed.

“Arttu was amazing… Tender and careful and I loved his idea of giving each other a massage. Jonne, things couldn’t have gone better!”

My ego expands into another dimension at hearing that. I’m the best!

“I already love living here with Arttu… The apartment already feels like home because we made love earlier.” Eero grows quiet, probably because Jonne’s asking him something. “Yeah, I would like to do it again… Not right now, but making love felt…wondrous… I never felt anything like it before!”

Yeah, I did everything right then: I had worried about it backfiring on me. I start to feel silly, standing here and eavesdropping on Eero, so I cough, loudly enough for Eero to hear it.

“Jonne, I’ve got to go… Arttu’s back and…yes, I will drop by tomorrow… No problem… Love you too! Bye, Jonne!”

Eero puts his phone on the coffee table and then raises his head, obviously in search of me. I enter the living room, grin like mad, and head for the couch. “Ah, there you are! I wondered where you had gone!” I drop onto the couch next to him and Eero immediately opens his arms. He pulls me into a tight hug and presses a kiss onto my hair. “You look happy!”

“I feel happy,” Eero confirms. “What you did for me… It’s beyond words. You helped me deal with my fears and thanks to you I’m not afraid anymore!”

I doubt his fears left completely, but I believe him when he says that I’m helping him deal with it. “I’m glad I could be of service.” I put a butterfly kiss onto his nose and it causes Eero to chuckle. “I just realized something…” I say, hoping to feed his curiosity by doing so.

“What?” Eero says, succumbing to his need to know.

“You’re no longer a virgin,” I say teasingly, and as I expected, Eero grows totally flustered.

“I never thought of myself as one,” Eero explains and his expressions grows distant. “I always felt dirty because of what he did to me… The mere thought of considering myself a virgin was…”

I tighten our embrace and Eero’s gaze shifts back to me. “You mentioned wanting to close that chapter of your life. Do you think you can close it now?” It’s not an easy question to answer and Eero starts to chew on his bottom lip.

“For the most part,” he says eventually. “I’ll never forget what he did to me and I’ll never forgive him for hurting me like that, but I’m in control of my feelings and memories now. I have changed, and for the most part, that’s because of you. If we had never met… I would not be the person I am today… And there was a time when I thought I would never say this – but I actually like the person I am today.”

“That makes me happy too,” I whisper and kiss his brow. Eero wants to rest his head against my shoulder, but I shake my head and tell him no. There’s one more thing I need to do. “Eero, why aren’t you wearing your ring? The one I gave you?” I’m probably being mean, but I can’t help teasing him a little.

“The strangest thing happened three days ago,” Eero says, who lowers his gaze and fidgets with the fabric of my shirt. “I had put it on the nightstand because I was going to help Jonne doing the dishes and it always grows a bit loose in hot water… When I got back to pick it up, it was gone. I searched the room, but I couldn’t find it. I’m sorry, but it’s gone…” Eero finally raises his head again and gives me an apologetic look with his big, guilt covered eyes.

“It wasn’t something you did… It wasn’t your fault it went missing,” I admit and actually feel guilty for making Eero feel bad. “I took it…”

“You did? Why? And why didn’t you say so? I’ve been searching for it ever since!”

“Sorry,” I whisper and kiss Eero’s lips. “I’m really sorry, but I needed it.”

“You needed it? But why?” A deep frown appears on Eero’s brow.

“I needed the ring because I wanted it engraved.” I uncover Eero’s ring from my pocket and offer it to him. “I hope you like it.”

Still frowning, Eero takes hold of the ring and turns it around in search of the engraving. When he finds it and reads the words, his frown disappears and a warm smile appears instead on his face.

“I love you forever…” Eero cocks his head and arches an eyebrow. “That’s today’s date in it.”

“I know how much it means to you that we finally made love, so I decided to have that date engraved instead of the day when we got together.”

Eero blinks, finally understanding the date’s meaning. He draws in a deep breath, looks at me, and smiles. “Will you give me your ring so I can add something to it?”

I slip Eero’s ring in place first and he seems rather proud to be wearing it. Then I remove mine and hand it to him. Eero grins in a sneaky way and pockets it. His arms come up around me and pull me close. He kisses me and I gladly deepen the contact. I doubt I’ll ever get enough of his kisses and something tells me that now we have finally made love, Eero has lost some of his timidity. It won’t be long before he’ll instigate another round of lovemaking.

I snuggle up to him, rest my head against his shoulder and sigh contently. Home is where the heart is and as far as I’m concerned, I’ve come home right now – in Eero’s arms…

The end