Title: Home Sweet Home

Sequel / epilogue to 'In my Heaven'

Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Main pairing: Juha/Chris (Juha/Mikko mentioned)
Rating: R
Summary: What happened to Jarmo after Niklas drove him off and will the brothers finally unite?

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!
Warning: Real Person Slash.
Betaed by...

All remaining mistakes are mine.

Home Sweet Home

You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low
Just when things went right
It doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long & winding road

I'm on my way
Well I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
You know that I've seen
To many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off
The silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing-keeps me together
At the seams

I'm on my way
Well I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

Motley Crue

Part 1

Niklas was going to do something he had run away from for ten long years. He was going to confess up to Juha. In the end, the decision to do so had been easier than he had thought. He was scared he would lose contact again, but that couldn’t stop him from telling Juha about the mistakes he had made back then. Juha had a right to know what he had done.

Niklas put on his coat, left his apartment, stepped into his Royce, and headed for Juha’s and Chris’ house.

~~~

“Open up,” Chris said and slipped a small piece of white chocolate past Juha’s lips and into the redhead’s mouth. He enjoyed feeding his lover, especially chocolate, because Juha always tasted so sweet when he kissed him afterwards.

“Chris, stop it! I’ll grow fat if you continue to feed me like that!” Juha grinned though and enjoyed the attention his lover – no husband! – was paying him. Harmaa had cuddled up on his lap and Juha rubbed behind the feline’s ears, which was making Harmaa purr. He was perfectly happy with where he was in his life. He had a loving partner, a house which he called home, a pet he could pat, good friends, and his father was back in his life.

“You’re purring…” Chris remarked. At first he had thought it was just Harmaa, but now he realized that the redhead was purring too. Lowering his gaze, his eyes focused on the ring Juha wore. The redhead hadn’t taken it off once since Chris had put it on his finger that day at the cabin.

Chris grinned remembering their time there. After they had partied, eating the cake Nakki had made, and had said goodbye to their friends, they had retired to the bedroom and hadn’t emerged from it for two days, except for getting food and drinks. That week had been heaven on earth. He had even dragged Juha outside, into the cold once or twice to go fishing with him. Juha however had lacked the patience, and in the end, Chris had ended up alone. But he hadn’t minded and had enjoyed being out on the lake on his own. It always gave him a chance to clear his head, but during their stay there, everything had already been clear to begin with. He loved Juha and Juha loved him back. It was as simple as that.

The romance hadn’t stopped when they had gotten home. If anything, their love had deepened even further. Chris had never really had a place he had called home, with his father always touring, but this time, he felt like he had finally come home.

“What are you thinking about? You look sad,” Juha said and caressed Chris’ face.

“I’m not sad,” Chris replied and traced the outline of Juha’s bottom lip with his thumb. “I’ve never been this happy before. I got you…” Chris was about to lean in closer so he could kiss Juha when the doorbell sounded. “Damn, someone has lousy timing!”

“Would you get that? Harmaa won’t like it when I remove her from my lap.” It was an excuse though; he didn’t want to get up. He was comfortable and didn’t want to move!

“I will, but only because it’s you…” Chris pressed a quick kiss onto Juha’s lips and then got to his feet. He opened the door and frowned at seeing Niklas standing there. They hadn’t expected him to visit. “Come on in. It’s fucking cold out there!” He could smell the first snow in the air. It would probably start falling within the next few hours, but then again, what was to be expected? It was the end of December and a white Christmas was a must in Finland!

Niklas stepped inside and removed his coat. “Hei, Chris. Sorry that I’m dropping by so late, but I need to talk to Juha.” After Chris had nodded, Niklas followed the younger man into the living room and smiled at seeing his youngest son curled up on the couch and patting Harmaa. “Evening,” he said and sat down in a comfortable chair.

“Want something to drink?” Chris offered, not wanting Juha having to get up just in order to make tea or coffee.

“Some coffee would be great.”

Chris nodded. “You drink it black, don’t you?”

Niklas nodded. “No sugar, no milk!”

Chris went into the kitchen and Juha cocked his head questioningly. “I didn’t expect you to drop by tonight. You’re always welcome,” he added quickly, “But most of the time you call in advance.”

Niklas sighed and gathered his courage. He had to do this now. In three days it was Christmas as he wanted to make amends. “It’s about Jarmo,” he said, finally addressing the subject they had never discussed.

Juha’s eyes widened. “Jarmo?”

Chris entered the room carrying a tray with mugs and handed Niklas one filled with coffee. Next he handed Juha his hot chocolate, having long learned about the redhead’s sweet tooth and then sat down nursing his, spiked with vodka as it was. “Jarmo? Isn’t that your brother? The one that bailed out on you?” Mikko had mentioned something like that when the bass player had told him about the past.

Juha’s expression darkened and sounding sad, he said, “Yes, my older brother… He left Oulu when I went to live with Mikko.”

“Jarmo didn’t bail out on you,” Niklas said after sipping his coffee. “I’m to blame for that.”

Juha frowned and leaned in closer, growing curios. “And why do you think that?”

“Because it’s the truth.” Niklas averted his gaze. “I should have told you some time ago, but the moment never seemed right.”

“Told me what?” Juha’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“When I had you admitted to the sanatorium I had a fight with Jarmo. It had been coming for a long time, but it got to the boil. I wanted Mikko out of your life and Jarmo opposed me.”

“I remember you fighting one night. I got home late and heard Jarmo come to my defense.” Juha reached for Chris’ hand. “Why did Jarmo leave?” He had to know.

Niklas knew he had to tell his part of the story. The time had come. “I grew furious with Jarmo because he had the courage to talk back to me and show me my mistakes. I thanked him for that by throwing him out. I cut him out of my will, put his belongings on the drive way, and made sure he couldn’t get a place to rent in Oulu.”

“You did what?” Juha blinked.

“I was furious back then, but I never understood that I should have been angry with myself and not with Jarmo. He did nothing wrong. He just tried to defend you and look out for you.” Niklas couldn’t make eye contact, although he sensed Juha’s gaze on him. He felt too ashamed. “One night, he drove up the drive way and he remained there for an hour. I watched his car from the bay window. Then he got out and threw something into the letter box. I went to check on it.” Niklas reached inside his pocket and handed Juha a piece of paper. “This is how much your brother loves you, Juha.”

Juha took hold of the note and his hands trembled due to nervousness when he unfolded the paper and started to read – aloud, as he wanted Chris to know what it said too.

# I accept your offer. I’ll allow Juha to go to a sanatorium instead, and if Mikko wants to take him in, he can.

Never show your face here again. You’re no longer my son.#

Juha recognized his father’s handwriting and frowned deeply. “I don’t get it. What does it mean?”

Chris however had caught on. “They made a deal.” His gaze hardened when he looked at Niklas. “Jarmo’s happiness in exchange for yours. If Jarmo left town, he would allow you to make your own way.”

Juha couldn’t believe his ears. “You did what?” He glared at his father and then stared at the note. “You are the reason why Jarmo left? All these years I thought Jarmo no longer wanted me around! That he had grown fed up with me! That he didn’t want to see me while I was going through chemo! You chased him away the moment we had started to grow close!”

“I didn’t want for that to happen. I didn’t want the two of you to become close.” Niklas shrugged apologetically. “I wasn’t rational at that time and I’m ashamed of the things I did. I almost ruined your life and Jarmo…” He couldn’t continue as he had grown too emotional. “I regret deeply what I did back then. I’m so sorry that I chased Jarmo off. I know that what I did was wrong and that you needed him. I can’t change the past, but I can try to make amends.”

Juha needed a moment to grasp the situation. “Jarmo didn’t want to leave… You made him though…and Jarmo made sure that I could live with Mikko, if he came for me…” Juha blinked and then shook his head. “How could you do that? Jarmo is your son! I *am* your son! You used us both!”

Niklas bowed his head in shame. “I know that now. When I started therapy I was in denial… I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but once I let my grief out and admitted losing Helena had really hurt, I was finally able to accept my emotions and with that came guilt and remorse. I lacked the courage to admit my mistakes at first, but now that we’ve grown closer, I hoped that…that you would be able…to…forgive me… Not right now! I don’t expect that! But…eventually.”

Juha rested his back against the couch and patted Harmaa absentmindedly. He moved and leaned heavily against Chris and tried to sort out his thoughts. His head hurt!

“That was a low and mean thing to do,” Chris said eventually, sharing and understanding Juha’s shock.

Niklas nodded again. “I know that and that’s why I’m here…trying to make up for my mistakes. I can leave though, if that’s what you prefer. I’d understand that.”

“I’m not sure what I feel – or what I want. I need a moment to…” Juha’s voice faded. He placed his drink on the coffee table, deposited Harmaa on Chris’ lap, and paced the room. Jarmo had never wanted to leave. His brother had never deserted him. Jarmo had actually ensured his future! His brother had cared about him! Did Jarmo still care though? Ten long years had past by! Everything might have changed in the meantime -- *he* had changed for sure and for the better, thanks to Mikko and then Chris. “What do I do?” he asked Chris.

Chris was having a hard time placating Harmaa who was quite upset at having been dumped into his lap! Chris considered the question and didn’t know the answer himself. He hadn’t been expecting Niklas to spring this on them either. Instead of answering Juha he asked Niklas, “What happened to Jarmo after he left Oulu? Do you know?”

Niklas nodded again and sipped his coffee, needing the caffeine to keep him going. “He traveled about for a while. He went to Turku first, but didn’t stay there for long. Eventually he settled down here in Tampere.”

Juha’s eyes widened in surprise. “Jarmo lives here?” He *had* kept up with his brother’s carrier as a songwriter and knew Jarmo was successful in his line of work, but he had never tried to find out personal things, believing Jarmo wasn’t interested in any contact. “Why did he never call? Or send me a card when I was at the hospital?”

Niklas coughed in an attempt to cover up his embarrassment. “I bribed the staff at the hospital and told them to throw Jarmo’s cards in the bin and to make sure you didn’t hear about any of his calls. I know that nothing excuses my behavior back then…but for what it’s worth, I’m really sorry.”

Juha fell from one shock into the next. “He called? He sent me cards?”

Niklas nodded. “He called quite a lot, but I made sure he didn’t reach you.”

Juha shook his head in bewilderment. “I can’t believe you did that! Mikko and Jarmo were all I had left at that point! I needed them! Both of them!”

Niklas swallowed nervously. “Do you want me to leave?”

Juha wasn’t sure what he wanted, but then he recalled Chris’ question and his father’s answer to it. “Jarmo lives here in Tampere?”

Niklas nodded. “Yes, he bought a house in the city center some time ago.”

“Do you have his address?” Juha’s voice shook with emotion and he returned to the couch, where he sat down and pulled Chris’ arms around him.

Chris embraced Juha eagerly and pulled him close. He had a pretty good idea what the redhead might be up to and he approved of that action, if he had gotten it right.

“I thought you might want to know…” Niklas reached inside his pocket and presented Juha with a small piece of paper with Jarmo’s address on it. “You find him at home most evenings.”

Juha curled his fingers around the paper and immediately memorized the address, just in case he might lose the note. “I know where that is…” He had often past it by when he had gone into town with Chris. All those times he had walked past it, never knowing his brother lived there. “I want to go there now.”

Chris however shook his head. “It’s almost midnight. We should wait until tomorrow and head there around dinner time.”

“But it’s Jarmo and I want to see him!” Juha couldn’t understand why Chris wanted to wait until the next day. “He cared about me! He didn’t want to desert me!”

Chris nodded and stroked Juha’s hair, knowing it had a soothing effect on the younger man. “But you don’t want to scare him, do you? He’ll startle when we visit at this late hour. Maybe he has already gone to bed. Let’s wait until tomorrow.”

“You might want to call in advance instead of springing this on him like I did with you,” Niklas offered, uncertain if his advice was still wanted. He was aware of the fact that he risked losing the fragile contact he had managed to achieve where Juha was concerned, but he couldn’t live a lie. Juha had a right to know the truth and Niklas had to come clean.

Juha drew in a deep breath and then released it again. Harmaa moved back to his lap and Juha resumed rubbing behind the feline’s ears. “Thank you for telling me,” he said, having calmed down a bit. “I’m not sure if I can forgive you for what you did – certainly not right now. It hurts, knowing Jarmo cared and that you stopped him from supporting me. I needed him…”

Niklas nodded and got to his feet. “I understand that. I really do. I’ll leave now and if you want to talk to me, or just yell at me…you can. Call me. I won’t hang up on you.” He turned, picked up his coat in the hallway, and let himself out.

Once his father was gone, Juha uncovered the paper again and stared at the address. “I can’t believe it, Chris. Jarmo fought for me. He made sure that Niklas would allow Mikko to take me in and without Mikko I wouldn’t have made it!”

Chris hugged Juha tight and placed a kiss onto the red hair. “I’m sorry that you had to live through that. I had no idea how much Jarmo means to you. We never really talked about him.”

Juha nodded. “You’re right about that. Do you want to do so now?” After Chris had nodded, Juha started his story. “Jarmo and I are ten years apart and that made it hard for us to relate to each other. I was the annoying kid, and he was the big brother I loved, but could never reach. We always were in different places in our lives.”

Chris nodded. He knew that feeling. “Matti and I experienced the same thing, although we probably caused our problems ourselves with drinking and just yelling at each other instead of talking everything through.”

“Our father was strict as you know. He locked away any alcohol. Jarmo wasn’t allowed to drink at home and I was too young to have any.” Juha closed his eyes, inhaled Chris’ scent and let it made him feel safe. “Alcohol or drugs was never an issue for me.”

Chris nodded. Juha had had other problems at the time when most youngsters had gotten drunk and experimented with drugs. He had been going through chemo instead. “So we’re going to see Jarmo tomorrow after dinner?”

Juha nodded. “Oh Chris, I doubt I can sleep tonight. I’m… My feelings are…out of control! I always thought Jarmo had become fed up with me and now I find out he fought for me, defying my father.” A happy smile replaced the nervous expression that had been on his face a moment ago. “Jarmo cares about me…”

“How can anyone not love you?” Chris claimed Juha’s lips and kissed him. “You’re so easy to love.”

Juha graced Chris with a beautiful smile and snuggled up to him. “I apologize in advance for keeping you up tonight. There’s no way I can sleep!”

“That’s okay! I’m sure we’ll find a way to distract you,” he said wickedly.

~~~

Juha *had*managed to fall asleep after all and it much had to do with the fact that Chris hadn’t made love with him once, but twice. Chris’ remedy for Juha’s nervousness had been simple – to wear him down sexually.

“Morning,” Chris whispered hotly into Juha’s ear. “Want to go again?”

Juha tried to push Chris away. “Let me sleep!”

Chris grinned. “I thought you wouldn’t be able to sleep and what are you doing now?”

“You did that on purpose!” Juha opened one eye and stared accusingly at Chris. “You wore me down!”

“Works every time, doesn’t it?” Chris said, quoting his line from when he had brought Juha to orgasm back in the hospital.

“It does! But what you did was evil!” Juha closed his eye again as he was unwilling to wake up yet and cuddled up to Chris. “And no, we’re not going to do it again! I’m sore.”

“Poor baby…” Chris kissed the crown of Juha’s head. “Want me to fill up the bathtub for you?” Juha nodded against his chest and purred. “I’ll pamper you today and even bring you breakfast…Hum, lunch in bed!” He hadn’t realized they had slept that late, but it was already one in the afternoon. Things like that happened when he didn’t have a gig, rehearsal, or anything else planned for the day. And as Juha still hadn’t started a new job, they had no reason to get up early.

Then, much to Chris’ amusement, Juha’s eyes opened and stared at him shock.

“Jarmo!” Juha sat upright, as he wanted to get out of bed, but then cringed. Damn, he really was sore. “The next time I tell you that I want it hard, don’t listen!”

Chris rubbed Juha’s back. Last night had been intense. “I’ll keep it in mind. In the meantime I’ll get your bath ready.” He kissed Juha’s shoulder and then disappeared into the bathroom.

Juha lifted Harmaa onto the bed and the feline cuddled up next to him. He tried to center himself and to get his emotions under control. It was useless though – he would feel on edge until he had finally talked to Jarmo.

~~~

“Juha…” Chris wanted to tell the redhead to calm down because Juha’s constant talking and restlessness was making him nervous in turn, but when he looked at his lover, he realized Juha couldn’t control it. The need to see Jarmo and finally discuss the past and hopefully make up was too much. “It’s all right,” he said in the end. “Come over here.” They were on their way over to Juha’s car and Chris pulled the redhead into an embrace.

Juha pressed against Chris and the contact helped settle his nerves just a bit. He remained high-strung though.

“Do you think you can drive? We can take a taxi or the bus instead.” Juha’s hands shook due to his excitement and Chris was rather safe than sorry.

“I can manage!” Juha opened the car door, sat down, and waited for Chris to sit on the passenger’s seat. “I can barely believe it’s about to happen!” He started the engine and drove away from their house.

“Did you call him?” Chris had seen Juha try calling Jarmo before, but no one had answered the call.

“I tried one last time before we left just now. Nothing!” Juha nibbled on his bottom lip when he rounded the corner and headed for the city center. “I hope he’s at home though. Jarmo always hated being on the phone so I wouldn’t be surprise if he just let it ring, or too busy working on a song to be bothered. I wonder if he has changed – appearance wise.” Juha wanted to go on and on, but caught Chris’ panicked expression. “Anteeksi,” he offered softly. “I’m nervous.”

Chris nodded. “I know that. I’m just not used to you being nervous! Normally you’re the calm one grounding me!”

“It’ll be over once I get to talk to Jarmo,” Juha assured Chris.

“So what does Jarmo look like? Or did he look like?” Chris wanted Juha to have an opportunity to talk about Jarmo, hoping it might help the redhead unwind.

“We don’t look alike much. He’s taller, broader, and wore a moustache back then. He had long hair too… Straight and brown.” Juha’s voice became melancholy when he recalled the way things had been in the past.

“Well, you’re not a natural redhead either.” Chris frowned. One evening, Mikko had visited and had shown him pictures of when Juha had been younger. Juha hadn’t had any pictures himself and had asked Mikko if he could keep some, which his friend had agreed to. One thing had struck Chris as odd on those photographs. “What happened to the curls? On those pictures Mikko showed us you had curly hair!”

Juha nodded and turned left. They were getting closer and he had to pay attention. Somewhere around here Jarmo lived. “After chemo my hair grew back straight. The curls were gone.”

Chris reached out and fingered a strand of the red hair. He loved the way Juha’s hair shone after it had been newly dyed.

Now it was Juha’s turn to ask something. “I always wanted to know – what happened to the hair they shaved off when I was going to have surgery?” Chris had told him that he had clung to it during the operation, but Juha wanted to know where it had went afterwards. Into the bin anyway?

Chris blushed. “I tucked it away between my shirts in the closet.” He would never throw the strands away – he cherished them too much to do such a thing. “You know, that hair really grew back nicely.” Compared to the rest of Juha’s hair, those strands were still short, but the bald spot was definitely gone.

“Yes, you have no idea how glad I am that my hair didn’t fall out.” Losing it the first time around had been rather traumatic.

Sensing Juha’s sudden unease, Chris decided to change the subject. “What are you going to say when you’re face to face with Jarmo? Did you already consider what might happen?” He wanted Juha to be prepared for every possible scenario, even rejection, although Chris didn’t think Jarmo would close the door in Juha’s face. But he couldn’t completely rule it out either – it was an option.

Juha had found the street Jarmo lived in and parked the car when he found a suitable spot. Number fifty-three was to their right and only a few feet away. “It’s over there,” Juha said and pointed the house out to Chris. “I really have no idea what to say. I’ve tried making something up in my head, but each time I rehearse it, it sounds wrong. I gave up on preparing some speech. I’ll have to improvise.”

Chris nodded. “You’ll manage. Just keep in mind that Jarmo cares about you.” He took Juha’s hand in his and squeezed gently.

“He cared about me back then, Chris, but ten years is a long time. Maybe he no longer wants me around. People change… You know that best.” Juha gave Chris a pleading look.

Chris reassured the redhead. “He’s your brother. You might have lost contact over the years, but I doubt he forgot about you – not after the sacrifice he made back then.”

Juha wanted to believe that. “I never knew he cared that much about me. He practically threw away his future when he made that deal with our father. The way Niklas was back then, our father might have done a lot more than just chase Jarmo out of Oulu!”

Seeing Juha’s growing agitation made Chris take the lead. “Let’s get out and ring the doorbell. You’ll only become more nervous if we stay here. Let’s find out more about Jarmo, yes?”

Juha nodded, removed the safety belt, and got out. A moment later, Chris joined him on the pavement and took the redhead’s hand in his. With their fingers twined, they made their way over to the front door.

“Go on, ring it. It’s the only way you can find out where you stand.” Chris nodded encouragingly.

Juha raised his arm and pressed the doorbell. He looked at Chris and moved closer to him. Chris reacted by wrapping his arm around his waist, but Juha’s nervousness continued to increase. What would Jarmo be like? Had his brother changed, and if so, in what way? Would Jarmo want to see him or ask him to leave? This was an important moment for Juha and he felt scared now that he was about to find out if he would regain his brother’s affection or not.

Suddenly the door opened and Juha’s eyes widened. He had expected to see his brother standing in the doorway, but when he lowered his gaze, he found a little girl standing there. She couldn’t be older than five or six and was dressed in a pink dress. She wore a little princess crown and had even some make up on. In her hand she had a wand, and when she smiled at them, it showed that some of her teeth were missing. He swallowed hard and looked to Chris for help, but his lover merely shrugged, apparently feeling just as lost as he did.

“Who are you?” the little girl asked and continued to smile at them.

Juha squatted in front of her and managed a shaky smile. “Are your parents at home, princess? Maybe they can help me. I’m looking for someone called Jarmo.” Had his father gotten the address wrong and didn’t Jarmo live here after all? He hated the way his voice shook as he didn’t want to scare her, but he simply couldn’t control his anxiety. Had Niklas gotten the address wrong?

She grinned at him, and when she did, more missing teeth showed. “Pappa is at home. I’ll get him!” She turned, ran down the hallway and into the kitchen, and already called out for him. “Pappa, there’s someone at the door!”

Juha rose from the ground and Chris wrapped an arm around his waist. Feeling safe and knowing Chris would support him no matter what happened, Juha waited for the girl’s father to show up. Maybe he could answer some of his questions. Had Jarmo moved recently? Did the new owner know Jarmo’s new address by any chance?

The girl’s father appeared in the hallway and the little princes walked next to him. Her hand was in his and he walked slowly so she could keep up with him, knowing his legs were a lot longer than hers.

Juha’s eyes widened when he caught sight of the man and he sucked in his breath. It couldn’t be…

Chris felt Juha tense up against him and rubbed his lovers’ back soothingly. “What’s wrong?” He didn’t get an answer straight away though. Somehow Juha seemed shocked and he gasped for breath.

Juha had instantly recognized Jarmo. His brother hadn’t changed at all. The long brown hair was still there and so was the moustache. His shoulders were still broad and the eyes possessed a familiar wolfish simmer, and therefore, Jarmo holding the girl’s hand in his seemed completely out of place.

“Juha, what’s wrong?” Chris asked a second time as he grew worried.

Juha couldn’t avert his gaze though – he had to look at Jarmo, scared as he was that his brother would turn away from him. “That’s Jarmo, Chris. That’s my brother!”

TBC

Part 2

Helena’s warm fingers rested safely within his hand and Jarmo accompanied his little girl back to the door. His daughter had told him that they were having visitors, but he wasn’t expecting anyone. As he approached the doorway, Jarmo frowned. The red-haired man standing there looked familiar, but he couldn’t quite identify him.

Rubbing his daughter’s little fingers, he allowed her to walk him to the doorway, and when he stepped into the full light of the street lantern, his eyes widened in surprise. That couldn’t be… No, there was no way that… But the redhead resembled his brother an awful lot.

“Jarmo!” Unable to control his emotions any longer Juha moved forward and flung himself at his older brother. He wrapped his arms around him and pressed his cheek against Jarmo’s shoulder. “It’s you!” He couldn’t believe that he had found Jarmo and that he was holding him in his arms. “Jarmo…” he whispered and closed his eyes in bliss.

Okay, that answered his question. Any doubts Jarmo might have had vanished when the redhead threw himself at him. “Juha?” Was it really his younger brother? He let go of his daughter’s hand and wrapped his arms around Juha, hugging him close. “Is it really you?” he whispered into his brother’s ear.

Juha couldn’t hold back his tears and cried softly. “It’s me… Jarmo, I found you! After all these years!”

“Hey, don’t cry…” Jarmo rubbed Juha’s back and tried to reassure his younger brother.

Helena’s eyes had grown big and worried. Looking at her father, she asked, “Why is he crying?”

Jarmo smiled at his little girl to reassure her. “Those are happy tears. Don’t worry.”

“Happy tears?” The smile returned to her face and she hugged her father’s leg. “Happy tears are good!”

Chris grinned, knowing Juha had never expected to find Jarmo being a father. That little girl’s presence was totally unexpected. Watching Jarmo hug Juha and stroke the redhead’s back he didn’t notice any distance in Jarmo’s actions. On the contrary, Jarmo appeared quite concerned and had no trouble reaching out to his younger brother.

“Why don’t you step inside? It’s cold out here.” Jarmo took a step away from Juha, but didn’t break the contact, still rubbing his younger brother’s back. He took his daughter’s hand back into his and then inclined his head. “It’s warmer and more comfortable in the living room.”

Juha wiped away his tears and nodded. “You’re probably right.” He couldn’t stop looking at Jarmo though. The thing that really struck him was the warm and loving expression in his brother’s eyes. Apparently Jarmo *had* changed too!

Jarmo turned toward his little girl, briefly let go of Juha’s back, and squatted. “Can you do something for me? I want you to be careful though.” She nodded repeatedly, eager to please her father. “Can you get some glasses from the kitchen and the water bottle?” He wasn’t per se thirsty, but doing this for him would distract her and give him a moment alone with his younger brother. “The plastic glasses of course.”

Helena nodded again. “I can do that! I’m a big girl!” She let go of her father’s hand and ran into the kitchen.

Jarmo got to his feet again and closed the front door. “That will keep her busy for a few minutes.” He turned and led them into the living room.

Juha curiously looked about and twined his fingers with Chris’. “Looks nice,” he commentated. The walls were painted in bright, warm colors and the decoration definitely showed a woman’s touch. Growing more curiously the entire time, he stepped into the living room and came to a stop. “Oh…” he whispered, his surprise still mounting. The living room had been painted in warm red and yellow pastels. The couches were covered with quilts in many different colors. The dining table was full of toys and there were coloring books, crayons, and stuffed animals everywhere. This was not the way he had pictured Jarmo would live.

“Sit down…please,” Jarmo said and seated himself on a couch. He looked at his younger brother again and felt relieved at seeing Juha’s glowing face. It was quite a shock though to see Juha again after ten long years of being apart. “I’ll make coffee in a bit, but… I need to look at you.”

Juha felt the same way and seated himself close to his older brother. “You haven’t changed much,” he said eventually after studying his brother for a few minutes. The expression in the eyes had though, and Juha smiled winningly at Jarmo. “You look happy.”

“I *am* happy,” Jarmo said, taking Juha’s hand into his again. He wanted to add more when there was noise coming from the kitchen. It sounded like Helena had dropped one of the plastic glasses and he was about to get up and check on her, when Chris offered to do so.

“I’ll have a look,” Chris said. “Don’t worry.”

Jarmo seemed to notice the black-haired man for the first time. “You must be Chris.” He had kept up to date with Juha’s life and knew about his younger brother’s lover.

Chris nodded. “I’ll check on her.” After saying that, Chris followed the noise and entered the kitchen, giving the two brothers some time alone.

Juha raised his arm and touched Jarmo’s face. “It really *is* you!”

Jarmo chuckled. “Is that so hard to believe?”

Juha nodded. “I never thought I’d sit next to you ever again.” He swallowed hard and then admitted in a nervous voice, “For these last ten years I thought that you didn’t want anything to do with me. You disappeared once I was admitted to hospital and I assumed I had become a burden and that you no longer wanted me around.”

Jarmo shook his head. “It wasn’t like that.” He rubbed Juha’s fingers, needing the contact in order to convince himself that Juha had really sought him out. “I wanted to be there for you, but…”

“Our father made that impossible.” Jarmo sucked in his breath and Juha nodded. “He told me what he did – yesterday.”

Jarmo wasn’t sure how to react to that. “I’m surprised he did. I expected him to remain quiet about it.”

“He’s changed, but let’s not discuss him now. I want to know more about you!” Juha gave Jarmo a blinding smile. “You’re a father now?”

Jarmo nodded and returned the smile. “Helena was born six years ago. I love her so much.”

Juha swallowed nervously. “You named her Helena? After our mother?”

“Yes, I thought it was only fitting that she got our mother’s name, don’t you think?”

Juha nodded to show he agreed. “She’s cute.”

“She thinks she’s a princess. Ah well, it’s partly my fault as I maintain that illusion.” He really treated her like a princess. “She’s a smart little girl. Be careful or she’ll wind you around her little finger.”

Juha grinned and wondered if she had already managed to do so with Chris!

~~~

“I dropped that,” Helena said and bit on her bottom lip. “It didn’t break though.”

Chris picked up the glass from the floor and smiled at her. It was a good thing that the item in question was made of red plastic. “It’s okay.”

She cocked her head and her diadem moved about on her head. It sat in-between a sea of reddish-brown curls. “What’s your name? I’m Helena.” She extended her arm and offered him her hand.

Chris squatted in front of her and pressed a kiss onto the back of her hand which made her giggle madly. “I’m Chris.”

“That tickles!” She continued to smile at him though. “What’s that in your face? Does it hurt?”

It took Chris a moment to realize that she was talking about his piercings. “They don’t hurt, princess. It’s just for decoration.”

“I put my äiti’s lipstick on earlier… Pappa said it was okay.” She pulled her hand out of his hold and shuffled her feet. “Do you like my dress?”

“It’s lovely. I really like pink.”

“It’s not pink! It’s rose!” She giggled again. “Can you help me please? The water bottle is heavy!”

Chris realized he was being manipulated but went along anyway. “Sure, I’ll help.”

~~~

Juha looked up when Chris opened the kitchen door so Helena could carry the tray inside. On it where four plastic glasses and Chris carried the water bottle because it was too heavy for her. She placed the tray on the coffee table and then went over to her father for a hug.

“You did well! I’m proud of you!” Jarmo hugged his daughter and caressed her face. “Do you want to play with your Barbies? I need to talk to these two men and you would be bored.”

She nodded. “I’ll play!” She’d had the hug she had been after and moved into a corner where her Barbie dolls where and started exchanging their clothes.

Chris seated himself next to Juha and felt relieved at seeing his lover’s pleased expression. So far, everything seemed to be going well!

Jarmo poured the water into their glasses and gave them an apologetic smile. “I still need to teach her to make coffee.”

“We don’t mind,” Juha said and sipped his water. “But I would like to know what happened after our father chased you out of Oulu!”

“I thought as much. I’ll go first then.” Jarmo looked thoughtfully at Juha’s fingers which rested within his and noticed how much bigger his hand was compared to his brother’s. “I took the train to Turku. I had some friends there and stayed for a while. I looked for a place to rent and any job offers, but didn’t found anything. I decided to move on and ended up here in Tampere. I liked it here, found an apartment I could afford, and sold some songs to local bands. Tampere seemed like a good place to live and I stayed.”

“I never knew you lived here. I know that you’re still writing and selling songs, but I never dared to inquire about your personal life,” Juha explained. “I always thought that you didn’t want me in your life.” Juha saw Jarmo’s upset expression and quickly added, “I know the truth now. You sacrificed your happiness for mine.” He removed his father’s note from his pocket and handed it to Jarmo.

“This brings back memories,” Jarmo mumbled as he looked at the message. “I still remember driving home and making that deal. Your happiness was more important than mine at that time, Juha. You needed Mikko and I couldn’t allow our father to sabotage your recovery.” Jarmo folded the note and returned it to Juha. “I really need some coffee now… I’ll be right back.” Jarmo got to his feet and quickly disappeared into the kitchen where he wiped at his tears.

Juha exchanged a look with Chris. “He has changed… He never showed that much emotion in the past.”

Chris nodded and inclined his head in Helena’s direction. “Maybe having a daughter has changed him? He’s really affectionate with her.”

Jarmo returned to the living room after switching on the coffee maker. “It’ll take a few minutes.” His tears still showed in his eyes, but they no longer slid down his cheeks.

Juha inched closer and took Jarmo’s hand in his. Jarmo would never have been comfortable with such intimate contact in the past, but now, his older brother smiled at him and allowed the touch. “What happened after you decided to stay in Tampere?”

Jarmo’s smile brightened further. “I got incredibly lucky. I met Leea.” Seeing Juha’s confused expression, he explained, “Leea was a background singer with a band I was writing songs for. We met in the studio and hit it off right away and that in spite of the fact that we’re complete opposites. I didn’t trust easy back then. I was suspicious and always on my guard. Leea was open, friendly and trusting. She was exactly what I needed. I fell in love. At first I tried to fight those feelings, but then I realized that I didn’t want to end up like our father – bitter and alone – and so I allowed myself to express my feelings for her. Six months later we moved in together and one year after we met we got married.”

Juha smiled as he felt happy for his brother. “Leea is Helena’s mother?”

Jarmo nodded. “Three months after we got married we decided we wanted children. I was scared at first. What experience did I have that warranted I would be a good father? What if I turned out like our father? Cold and distant? Leea convinced me that it would never happen and I *had* changed. I actually felt comfortable showing my affection for her.” Jarmo smiled at Helena when she waved at him. “So we had Helena, and I never felt happier or prouder as when I held her in my arms that first time.”

“I never knew I was an uncle,” Juha whispered. “She’s a lovely little lady.”

Chris’ curiosity hadn’t been satisfied yet though. “Are the two of you still together? I mean, lots of people divorce or…”

Jarmo nodded. “We’re still together. We’re happy. Leea is visiting her sister at the moment, but I expect her back within the hour.” He checked the time and startled visibly.

“What’s wrong?” Juha frowned. He had noticed Jarmo’s worried look too.

“I need to give the baby his bottle.” Jarmo cocked his head apologetically. “If I don’t feed little Juha in time, he will start screaming, and believe me, he’s got quite impressive lungs.”

“Little Juha?” Chris wiggled an eyebrow suggestively. One look at his lover told him that the redhead was still processing the latest news. “You have a son too?”

“He was born four months ago. He’s really tiny.” Jarmo chuckled at seeing his brother’s perplexed look.

“You have a son…a baby…and you named him Juha?” Juha moistened his lips and blinked.

“Yes, I never forgot about you. How could I? You’re my little brother. So I decided to name my son after you. Do you want to see him?” Jarmo rose from the couch.

“Pappa! I want to see him too!” Helena ran over to her father and demanded to be lifted so she could make herself comfortable in his arms.

Juha nodded. “Of course I want to see him!” Juha said. Chris and he rose from the couch and followed Jarmo upstairs and into the baby’s room which had been painted blue. There were stuffed animals everywhere and little Juha was contently asleep in his cradle. Juha made his way over to it and swallowed hard. The baby was tiny and all rosy and fleshy. Dressed in warm blue baby clothes, he looked completely at ease.

“That’s my brother,” Helena told them. “That’s Juha and I’m his big sister. I look out for him!” She gave them a proud look.

A lump of emotions formed in Juha’s throat. Jarmo had managed to break the damning circle that had kept his family in its iron gasp for the last few generations. Jarmo loved his children and encouraged his daughter to take care of her baby brother. Niklas would never have done that.

“I need to fix the bottle…” Jarmo said and put Helena down on her feet. “I’ll be right back.” He left the room and headed for the kitchen.

Helena stood at some distance from the cradle as she didn’t want to wake her baby brother. “He smells so nice!” she told them.

Juha smiled at her. “I believe you.” He was hesitant to get too close to the baby as he had no experience in handling them. This way he couldn’t do anything wrong. Leaning against Chris, he whispered, “Jarmo called his son after me.”

“I told you – he cares about you.” Chris rubbed at the small of Juha’s back and eyed the baby closely. “You gained a whole family by coming here, do you realize that?”

Juha nodded. “I do and it makes me happy. And Jarmo! He looks happy too!”

Jarmo returned to the room, took his son out of the cradle, and settled down with him in a rocking chair. “Normally Leea feeds him, but as she isn’t at home, I get to do it.” The baby opened his eyes and tried to reach for Jarmo, who quickly appeased his son by feeding him the bottle. Once little Juha realized it was feeding time, he sucked hard and emptied the bottle within a few minutes. “My, you’re hungry today!”

Helena had walked up to the rocking chair and carefully stroked her brother’s head.

Juha sighed deeply at witnessing the domestic scene and whispered to Chris, “I never pictured him like a father – never!”

“Sometimes people surprise you,” Chris whispered in turn. He liked children and hoped he would get along with Helena and later little Juha.

Jarmo helped his son burp and then rose from the rocking chair. He carried the baby over to where Juha was standing and grinned wickedly. “Do you want to hold him?”

“I’ll drop him! No!” Juha quickly shook his head.

“Ah, that was my first reaction too. It’s not that scary. Why don’t you sit down?” Jarmo inclined his head in the direction of the rocking chair. “If you drop him, he won’t fall.” That was also the way Leea had gotten him over his fear of accidentally hurting Helena when she had been a baby.

Chris nodded encouragingly when Juha gave him a questioning look. “Go ahead. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Juha moved over to the rocking chair and sat down. Helena even patted him on his arm and smiled at him. When Jarmo put the baby into his arms, Juha worried he might do something wrong, but then Jarmo moved his arms in such a way that the baby was well supported. Little Juha opened his eyes, smiled, and then raised his tiny fists, trying to reach for him.

Chris sighed contently. The look on Juha’s face showed how utterly pleased his lover was and Chris in turn was happy for his lover. He exchanged a quick look with Jarmo and the older Kylmänen winked at him.

Juha made faces at the baby, who chirped even louder, obviously enjoying the attention. Juha caressed the baby’s face and grew more confident, eventually offering the boy a finger. The baby managed to curl his tiny fingers around it and shrieked happily. When Juha raised his head again, there were more tears, but he didn’t feel ashamed of them.

“Are those happy tears too?” Helena asked, awkwardly patting Juha’s arm.

Juha nodded and smiled at her. “Yes, they are. Very happy tears!”

~~~

Later, after Jarmo had put his son into his cradle again, they sat in the living room and were enjoying a cup of strong coffee. Helena had exchanged her princess dress for jeans and a sweater and was patting the tomcat who had stretched on the window sill so he could soak up the heat coming from the radiators.

“Maybe you want some cake?” Jarmo placed some slices of chocolate cake onto the coffee table and then sat down again to nurse his coffee. “We have lots of that sweet stuff as people always drop by wanting to see the baby.”

Juha took hold of a slice and started eating as it gave him something to do. He felt like he would burst with happiness any moment now. The way he had felt when he had held his nephew was impossible to describe.

Sudden noise coming from the front door drew their interest and then a woman called out, “Jarmo, get over here and help me! And you’d better like the tree because I’m not hauling it back!”

Jarmo grinned. “Leea is home.”

Helena ran into the corridor to greet her mother and Leea captured her daughter in her arms. “What do you think?” she asked after hugging her daughter. Helena gave the Christmas tree a thorough look and nodded. “Good,” Leea said. “And you’d better like it too, Jarmo!”

Jarmo had gotten to his feet and went into the hallway. Juha and Chris followed, but remained at a distance. “That’s a big one!” he said once he got a look at the tree. It actually reached the ceiling.

“Last year you complained that the tree wasn’t big enough and now he’s too big? Jarmo Kylmänen…” She was about to instigate one of their verbal banters which both of them enjoyed so much when she noticed the two men standing near the wall. “Why didn’t you tell me we have visitors?” She let go of the tree and Jarmo made it over there just in time to catch it or else it would have fallen. “Jarmo, care to introduce me to our guests?” She fixed her hair, which was a lovely gold-chopper tone, and smiled winningly at their guests. “I’m Leea.”

Juha was surprised. He would never have guessed she was Jarmo’s type. She seemed a bit too wild, too cheerful, but then again, Jarmo had changed and apparently they fit, seeing they were a happy family.

“This is Juha, my younger brother. I told you about him.” Jarmo was busy dragging the tree along the corridor and into the living room. “And that’s Chris, his boyfriend!”

Leea wiggled an eyebrow. “His boyfriend? That’s interesting!” She winked at both of them and then studied Juha more closely. Her husband had often told her about his younger brother and there had always been much sadness in his eyes when he had mentioned Juha. Jarmo had suffered a great deal because he had lost contact with his younger brother and she was angry at Niklas, a man she had never seen or talked to, for treating Jarmo like that.

Juha shook her hand when she offered it to him and Chris did the same. They stood in the corridor and Leea continued to grin at them.

“Hey, I need help in here or else this monster will drag me down with it!” Jarmo called from the living room. “How did you manage to get it home?” Leea wasn’t nearly as strong as he was!

“Our neighbor did… I just gave instructions!” She gave her guests another wink and then took her daughter’s hand in hers. “Let’s see if we can help your pappa out.” Helena nodded and Juha and Chris followed the two ladies into the living room, where Jarmo was trying to put the tree in its assigned spot.

Chris reached Jarmo first and helped him straighten out the tree until it stopped swaying. They secured it, and Chris returned to Juha’s side, who looked oddly lost.

“You know what this means!” Leea pointed a finger at her husband.

Jarmo sighed, but his eyes sparkled with mirth. “I’ll have to go downstairs and get the decorations.”

“And don’t forget,” Leea called after her husband when Jarmo moved toward the doorway. “The third step is rotten! Don’t put your weight on it!”

Jarmo grinned at Juha. “She worries too much.”

“I remember you falling on your butt last year!” Leea said and Helena giggled at her mother’s words.

Juha however felt like they were intruding now that the family setting was complete. “Chris and I should go now and let you decorate…” He squeezed Chris’ fingers within his.

“Nonsense! You’ll stick around for dinner!” Leea gave Juha a look which should tell the younger man that this wasn’t up for discussion. “Don’t!” she said when Juha tried to object after all. “You’re staying!”

At that moment Jarmo returned to the room. He carried a large, cardboard box, and the moment he put it down, Helena ran toward it and pried it open.

Leea exchanged a look with her husband. What would follow now had long become tradition. “Pancakes?” she said and inclined her head.

Jarmo nodded. “I’ll make some.”

Helena started to cheer and momentarily forgot the Christmas decorations which she had been removing from the box. “Ui, yes, pancakes!” Looking at Juha and Chris, she added, “My pappa makes the best pancakes in the whole world!” She extended her arms, as if showing them just how big the world was.

“And Helena and I will decorate the tree. Don’t worry, love,” Leea said and gave Jarmo a kiss on the lips. “You can put the star on like you do each year.” She then moved to help her daughter undo the knot the Christmas lights had become.

“We’d better move this into the kitchen,” Jarmo told them.

Juha and Chris followed Jarmo and sat down at the kitchen table.

“Don’t let Leea overwhelm you. I know she’s rather domineering, but she has a heart of gold.” Jarmo got out everything he needed in order to make the batter and got started. “But our relationship works just fine.”

Juha chuckled. “Do you do most of the housekeeping?”

“Sometimes. It depends. Leea works as a secretary these days so we decided it would be best if I looked after the children. I don’t need to leave the house in order to write songs.”

Juha realized only too well that Jarmo was doing his best to avoid discussing their father, and for the moment, he was okay with that. Right now, he was interested in Jarmo and how his brother’s life had turned out. “You’re happy,” he said in a contemplative voice.

“Leea, Helena, and the baby make me happy.” Jarmo turned about and looked Juha in the eye. “I hated leaving you behind and I always hoped that one day you’d give me a call. I also realized though that our father would do his best to stop you from finding me. I’m glad you found me after all. I missed you, Juha.”

Juha swallowed nervously. Maybe he had to discuss their father’s involvement after all. “Father gave me your address. He visited yesterday and admitted what he had done.”

Jarmo shrugged. “I don’t care about him any more. He made it perfectly clear that I’m no longer his son, and to me, that means I no longer have a father. I don’t want to see him ever again. Just thinking about him makes me angry.”

Chris squeezed his hand and Juha nodded. Juha wasn’t sure either if he could forgive their father for what he had done in the past. It was hard, realizing Jarmo had wanted to be there for him and knowing Niklas had kept them apart.

“Don’t pressure him,” Chris advised as he whispered the words into Juha’s ear. “You’ve got time.”

Chris was right of course and Juha nodded. It was true – they had time. There was no reason to push Jarmo into a direction his brother wasn’t ready yet to head in.

~~~

Later that evening, Leea settled down on the couch with little Juha cradled safely in her arms. Helena snuggled up to her mother and Jarmo finally got to put the star in the tree’s peak. They had eaten their pancakes and had even had ice cream for dessert.

Juha and Chris had cuddled up on the couch opposite Leea’s and Juha especially felt sleepy as he’d had little rest last night, thanks to Chris’ special method of tiring him!

Jarmo put on some Christmas music and then went over to the windows, where he also put out Christmas lights, creating a warm and homely atmosphere.

Juha rested his head against Chris’ shoulder and smiled at his lover. “Do you think we can get a tree too?” They hadn’t really given the matter of decorating for Christmas much thought as it had seemed cheesy and corny, but now that he was watching Jarmo put out more lights, Juha realized he liked the warm touch they added to the room. “Or maybe just some lights?”

Chris sighed. He should have known this was coming, having seen Juha look longingly at the big tree. “We’ll have a look tomorrow.” They didn’t own any decorations and would have to go shopping.

“I advice going to IKEA,” Leea said, rocking her son in her arms. “It’s cheap and they have some really nice ideas where home decoration is concerned.”

Chris actually moaned. “Not IKEA. Don’t do this to me!”

Juha smiled lazily at Chris and then whispered, “I could ask Jonne to accompany me. I don’t want to go alone.”

“No,” Chris said and pressed a kiss onto Juha’s brow. “I’ll brave IKEA for you – just for you.”

Leea raised her gaze and locked it with Jarmo’s. Her husband wiggled his eyebrow and it made her grin. It was nice that Juha too had found someone who loved him. She knew how much Jarmo had worried about his younger brother’s well-being.

Juha grinned, rubbed his cheek against Chris’ shoulder, and said, “Fine, tomorrow, we’re going to IKEA.”

Chris whispered, “Someone save me…” But he *had* promised to go and he would do anything to make Juha happy.

TBC

Part 3

After Leea had left to put the baby into the cradle and Helena to bed, Jarmo poured them whiskey and handed them the drink. “I told you my story,” he said, addressing Juha. “Now I’d like to hear yours.”

That was a question which Juha had hoped Jarmo wouldn’t ask, but now that his brother had, there was no way out of it. Chris must have sensed his growing unease because his lover pulled him tighter against him. “I lived with Mikko for some time after I’d recovered from chemo, but in the end, I realized I couldn’t stay. I had to start making some money and it was time for me to spread my wings. I found a job in Oulu, but wasn’t really happy working there and Mikko picked up on it. That was when he encouraged me to look further. I ended up finding a job I liked, but it was located in Helsinki. Moving out of Mikko’s apartment was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I knew I had to stand on my own two feet.”

That also answered some questions Chris had had, and it wasn’t just Jarmo listening closely, but Chris too.

“I started working and managed to stay in touch with Mikko and the band. I often took the night train to Oulu to rehearse songs or play gigs. Mikko and I are still close friends in case you’re wondering and he lives in Tampere too.”

Jarmo nodded. “Can’t say that I’m surprised you’re still close. I could tell that you cared about each other.”

Juha coughed and hoped Chris wasn’t going to ask for any details. Chris only knew that Juha and Mikko had had sex once and there was no need for Chris to know that there had been more involved at the time. His romance with Mikko had led nowhere at any rate.

“I’ve seen you on stage,” Jarmo said. “A few times actually. The last time I saw you perform was during a festival. You actually pulled Chris on stage and kissed him.”

Juha blushed, vividly recalling that incident. “I met Chris during a gig as well. Our drummer, Reiska, knew Antti from Negative and got them backstage. It was love at first sight for both of us.” Juha lifted Chris’ hand and kissed the fingertips. “Oh, and by the way, Mikko has got a boyfriend too these days. He’s living with Antti. Those two got together too!”

“Again, I’m not really surprised. Mikko was always a bit…on the feminine side,” Jarmo said, trying to be diplomatic about it, but he only succeeded in making Juha laugh. “That wasn’t meant to be funny!”

“I know,” Juha replied and his laughter subdued until he was just chuckling. “Chris and I had some…problems at first – misunderstandings, but then again, which couple hasn’t?”

Chris grew flustered, recalling those misunderstandings only too well as they had resulted in Juha driving to Tampere in the middle of the night. “I was in love for the first time,” he said and saw surprise on Juha’s face. The redhead hadn’t expected him to say anything. “I had a hard time accepting that I had really fallen for Juha. We talked a lot and took things slowly and Juha managed to get through to me in the end. We’ve been inseparable ever since.”

Juha directed his gaze away from Chris and back to his brother. “We decided to stay together and work on our relationship in-between rehearsals, gigs, and touring. We ended up buying a house here in Tampere. It’s only a ten minute drive away from yours.”

“You must give me your address and phone number before you leave,” Jarmo said decisively. He wanted to be able to call his younger brother and visit.

“I will!” Juha returned to his story then, fearing telling the rest as he worried about Jarmo’s reaction. “My headaches suddenly came back and the migraines too. At first, I didn’t think it was serious, but then I started to shake and… Well, you probably remember the symptoms.”

Jarmo’s fingernails clawed at the arm rest. “No!” he exclaimed and gave Juha a shocked look. No, the tumor couldn’t have come back! But he knew he had reached the right conclusion when Juha nodded.

“The tumor *was* back. Mikko caught the symptoms and dragged me off to the hospital where they made some scans. I also started having seizures and the nightmare started all over again. Chris was on tour in Germany and it was Mikko and Chris’ brother, Matti, who took care of me.”

Jarmo shook his head repeatedly and sounded ashamed when he said, “I had no idea. I didn’t even know it could happen again!”

Juha got to his feet and sat down next to Jarmo, briefly deserting Chris’ side. “I knew it could happen again, but it never crossed my mind it really would! And don’t worry, you couldn’t know. Our father also found by accident as he had seen me enter Auvo’s office. He treated me this time around too.”

Jarmo laughed and shook his head. “Juha, don’t kid yourself. You know what our father is like. There’s no way in hell he was there accidentally. He was waiting for the two of you to show up! Do you know him so little?”

Juha’s brow grew knitted. He had never given the matter much thought – why Niklas had been there at the hospital at that time. But Jarmo could be right. Their father could have been waiting for them, but that meant Niklas had known something was going on. “He should have let you know. I could have died and we would never have had a chance to talk.”

“Be careful around him,” Jarmo advised. “You *know* what he’s like. Maybe you’re right and he has changed in some ways, but I doubt he’ll ever stop being manipulative.”

“Let’s not talk about him,” Juha said after a moment’s thought. He didn’t want them to drift apart again because they didn’t agree on if their father had changed or not.

“I rushed home,” Chris said, getting back to their story. “A friend replaced me during the tour and I took care of Juha. He needed surgery again and he made it out alive!”

Juha nodded and drew in a deep breath. “Auvo removed the tumor and I went through something called molecular therapy. Auvo proclaimed me free of cancer, but I still have to check in with him each month to make sure I’m fine.”

“Can it grow back a third time?” With utmost care, Jarmo gathered Juha’s hands in his and curled his fingers tightly around them.

“There’s always a chance,” Juha had to admit. “But Auvo thinks I’m safe.”

Jarmo shook his head again and sighed worriedly. “I wish I had known. I might have been able to help and support you in some way.”

“We can’t change the past,” Juha replied and got back to his story again. “Chris and I got married three months ago. He gave me this ring,” he said and showed Jarmo the ring. “It’s beautiful, don’t you think?”

Jarmo indulged Juha and admired the ring before saying, “It is. It’s lovely.” His gaze shifted from the ring Juha was wearing to Chris’ ring finger and he instantly recognized his mother’s wedding band.

“Our father gave it to me so Chris could wear it. Do you mind?” Juha tried to make eye contact again.

“I’m fine with it,” Jarmo replied and gazed into Juha’s eyes. “A lot has happened – in both our lives.”

Juha moved his fingers about until he could twine them with Jarmo’s. “I always liked you, Jarmo. You’re my brother after all, but I love you even better these days. You have mellowed. You actually allow yourself to show your feelings. I can tell you care about me by looking into your eyes.”

Jarmo knew Juha was right. “Leea made me face myself. She made me a better man.”

“Juha did the same thing for me,” Chris said, sounding contemplative. “He made me into a better man too.”

Jarmo noticed the doting glances Chris and his brother exchanged and smiled. It looked like the three of them had come a long way. “So what are your plans now?” Jarmo asked his younger brother.

“We’ll never lose touch again!” Juha sounded firm and determined. “I refuse to lose track of you again! We’ll stay in touch and visit. I want to spend time with you and to get to know you better!”

Jarmo liked that idea. “Helena likes the two of you… Would you mind if I brought my family along when I visit?”

“Not at all!” Juha gave Jarmo a hungry look. “Maybe you’ll let me hold the baby again?”

“You’re an uncle now,” Jarmo said, confirming Juha’s hopes. “You should try to bond with them – that is, if you want to. Helena can be a bit of a handful. She takes after her mother I’m afraid, but she can also be sweet.”

“She was sweet today and Chris and I like her already!” Juha wondered if he would be moving too fast if he asked Jarmo to spend Christmas together – or at least Christmas evening. He would have loved for his father to be there too, but knew Jarmo would stay away if Niklas showed up. “Would you… I don’t know if you made plans yet, or if Leea would mind, but… Can we spend Christmas as a family?” Suddenly he realized that he hadn’t consulted Chris in the matter and his gaze darted to his lover.

Chris caught on and nodded. He’d like that. Last year he had spend Christmas with Lauri and Nakki, but he suspected they would be busy celebrating Christmas with their loved ones this year – Lauri for sure!

Jarmo liked the idea as well and he knew his wife well enough to know she would agree to it. “Why don’t you come over on Christmas Eve? Leea and I’ll cook dinner and you can entertain Helena. She gets quite whiny when she has to wait for her presents.”

Juha wrapped his arms around his older brother and hugged tight. “I love you, Jarmo.”

Jarmo smiled into the embrace and patted his brother’s back. “I love you too, Juha.”

~~~

Juha cuddled up to Chris when they made themselves comfortable in their bed. “Today was a good day,” Juha commented and closed his eyes. “I got my brother back and I’m an uncle now. The baby was cute, don’t you think?”

Chris stroked Juha’s hair and closed his eyes too. The day’s events had tired him. “Little Juha’s cute, yes, and I liked Helena’s pink dress.”

“Forget about it, you’d never fit into it!” Juha chuckled against his lover’s shoulder.

Chris chuckled along. “You’re probably right about that. It was cozy at Jarmo’s place. It really felt inviting.”

Juha agreed. “I never thought he could be like that – so open and loving. I’m so happy for him that he has Leea, Helena and the baby!”

Chris kissed Juha’s brow and pressed deeper into the mattress. “Think you can sleep more easily now?”

“I’m already half asleep… Stop talking and let me dream…”

Chris couldn’t stop himself from saying, “Dreaming about dragging me off to IKEA?”

Juha chuckled. “Oh yes…IKEA…” He fell asleep though before he could finish his sentence.

Chris continued to stroke Juha’s hair and was glad everything had worked out so well.

~~~

They entered IKEA in disguise. Juha had tucked his red hair away under a beanie and Chris had put up the hood of his hoodie. They remained unnoticed and growing bolder, they started to discuss their Christmas decoration.

“Chris, I really think green and purple make a great Christmas combination!” Juha pointed out a tree which starred that particular combination. “Everyone else is doing gold, silver and red! Even Jarmo’s tree is all gold!”

Chris gave the tree another probing look. Green and purple decoration. What kind of combination was that? Giving Juha a skeptical look, he cringed at seeing the pleading expression in those eyes. “What the hell… It doesn’t matter. Just get whatever you like!” He had to trust in Juha’s sense for good taste, which hadn’t failed the redhead in the past.

Juha hugged Chris quickly and then started to put the decoration into their yellow IKEA bag, which Chris carried. “How about some lights?” Juha asked.

“Knock yourself out, baby.” Chris realized he loved seeing Juha like that – all excited and full of passion. Therefore it didn’t matter that Juha put one package after another into their shopping bag.

“Done!” Juha announced contently. “Let’s pay and then go home and decorate!”

~~~

“Chris, stop staring at my ass and help me!” Juha was trying to attach some lights to the ceiling and was standing on a ladder. Instead of Chris assisting him, his lover was checking him out!

“Anteeksi,” Chris said without meaning it. Juha’s ass was perfect and he was tempted to pull the redhead into his arms and carry him off to their bed to make love to him. Unfortunately for him, Juha was quite determined to get their house ready for Christmas. He helped Juha get the lights into place, and when he looked about his gaze came to rest on their Christmas tree. It was another first for him. When he had been little, his mother had done some decorating, but they had never had a real tree, just a fake one. Juha however had insisted they got the real thing and the scent of pine now spread through the room.

“Do you like it at all?” Juha felt insecure, as he was unable to identify the expression in Chris’ eyes. Looking about, he cringed and was afraid he had gone overboard. “Did I overdo it?” But he liked the sparkling lights!

“No, you didn’t.” Chris pulled Juha against his chest and rested his brow against his lover’s. “I just realized this is going to be the best Christmas ever!”

Chris’ answer reassured Juha and he gave his lover a loving look. “I think so too,” Juha said and placed a teasing kiss onto the tip of Chris’ nose.

~~~

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think Jarmo wants to see you.” Juha was on the phone with his father and found it hard to find the right words. “He’s still angry with you and I can’t blame him.”

“But he was glad to see you? And you’ll stay in touch?” Niklas asked as he wanted to make sure his sons had gotten along.

“Yes, we’re spending Christmas together. We’re having dinner at his place.” Juha moistened his lips and asked, “Did you know he’s married and has two children? A daughter and a baby boy?”

“Yes, I did. I should have told you…”

Juha felt apprehensive as he recalled Jarmo’s observation. “When you met Chris at the hospital… Was that a mere coincidence? Or did you know what was going on?”

“It wasn’t a coincidence. I knew you had an appointment that day,” Niklas admitted. “I was apprehensive about approaching you directly and decided to make contact with Chris instead.”

So Jarmo had been right! Juha felt confused and didn’t know what to believe anymore. “You’re still manipulating me, aren’t you?” Niklas remained quiet and Juha knew he had been right.

“But only for your sake. I have your best interest in mind and I wouldn’t call it manipulating, merely…guiding you.”

Juha sighed deeply. “You need to stop doing that if you want us to stay close. I don’t want to be manipulated, do you understand?”

“You’re right. I’ll stop doing that,” Niklas promised. “So, Chris and you will be spending Christmas at Jarmo’s house. Will you visit with me at some point too?”

“Yes, we will, but I can’t tell you exactly when. Can I call you when I know more?”

“Sure, son. Just give me a call. I have no plans for Christmas anyway. I hope you’ll have a great time with Jarmo and his family. We’ll call!”

Juha thought he heard a sad note in his father’s voice, but couldn’t be completely sure as Niklas ended the conversation that moment. Great, now he felt guilty for not spending Christmas with his father instead! Damn it!

“Hey, what’s the sighing and dark looks about?” Chris sat down next to the redhead and tipped Juha’s head upwards so he could study the green eyes. “You’re upset, why?”

“I just talked to my father and I found out that he’s alone during Christmas.” Juha shrugged. “Now I feel guilty for spending Christmas with Jarmo and his family.”

Chris enveloped Juha in a hug and considered his lover’s dilemma. “Niklas brought this upon himself. He made some really bad choices in the past and is now paying for them. In a way, it’s justice for what he did, but I understand that you’re unhappy about it. Juha, you’re not to blame for his situation. Your father will get through this Christmas and we’ll visit him on the twenty-fifth in the evening. Is that okay with you?”

“So we have dinner with Jarmo the twenty-fourth and the next day, we’ll visit my father?”

“And on the second day of Christmas we’re going to celebrate privately… Just the two of us, your big bed, and lots of whipped cream!”

~~~

“I’m sorry, Jonne. It’s really nice of you to invite us, but we already made plans for Christmas!” Chris hated disappointing Jonne and Jack. “Juha finally found his brother after ten long years and you can probably understand why we’re celebrating Christmas with Jarmo and his family.”

“Yes, I can…” Jonne said and sighed. “I had just hoped you would be able to join us. It’s been a while since we talked and… Yes, we meet during rehearsals, but I miss you!”

Chris sighed. “Jonne, I miss you too, but… You’ve got Japa now!”

“That’s true, but still…”

Chris could exactly picture Jonne’s look that moment. The trembling bottom lip, the pout on his face and the blue eyes that beseeched him to change his mind. “I’ll make you a deal. If you really want me to spend time with you and Jack, then Juha and I will join you for New Year’s. How does that sound?”

“Oh yes!” Jonne sounded excited. “I’ll get lots of champagne and caviar and we’ll party into the next year!”

Chris cringed. He hated having to eat those fish eggs. “Champagne will do, Jonne.”

“Ah yes, you don’t like caviar! Chris, I don’t get it! It tastes great! But okay, I’ll get something else for you. Maybe I can get my hand on some strawberries. You like to dip them into the champagne, don’t you?”

“You got an amazing memory,” Chris complimented his friend. “Sure, I’ll eat those.”

“Good! I’m off now to tell Japa! Have a merry Christmas, Chris, and I’ll see you on the thirty-first! Give my love to Juha and bye!”

Chris chuckled as he put down his phone. He hoped Jonne would never change; he just loved his friend’s enthusiasm.

~~~

“Did you put the presents into the trunk? And Chris, did you switch off the lights? The coffee maker?” Juha was all excited and it showed. He couldn’t sit still or keep his mouth shut and nervously moved about on the driver’s seat. “Are we really set to go?”

Chris sat down on the passenger’s seat and took Juha’s hands in his. “Relax! We’re going to have dinner with Jarmo and his family. We’re going to have fun. Don’t stress yourself out unnecessarily!”

Chris’ words, and his voice, calmed Juha a bit, but he remained excited. “I know that, but… It’s Christmas and we’re celebrating it with my brother and his family!”

Chris nodded. “So enjoy it, baby. There’s no reason for you to be nervous, all right?”

“I’ll try to calm down,” Juha said, but the mere thought of spending time with Jarmo, Leea, Helena and especially the baby got him riled up again!

~~~

Leea turned around in the embrace and smiled at her husband. Jarmo was looking forward to spending Christmas with his brother and she was happy because he was. “He likes the baby… Your brother, I mean!” They were in the kitchen and had been preparing dinner when Jarmo had suddenly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

“Thank you for accepting this. Suddenly you got two guests for Christmas dinner and you hardly know them. Thank you for doing this for me.”

“They’re family, Jarmo, and family is important. I like them. They’re both nice and Helena likes Chris especially. I don’t know what happened, but she’s really happy that Juha and Chris will join us tonight.”

“She’s hoping for more presents!” Jarmo chuckled, but he knew there was more to it. His daughter had really taken a liking to Chris. “And little Juha likes his namesake.”

“That’s hardly amazing. Juha has gorgeous looks.” She winked naughtily at Jarmo. “Must be the genes for my husband looks yummy too!”

“Good thing you added the last part or I might have grown jealous.” Jarmo brushed an elusive strand behind her ear and looked her in the eye. “I love you, Leea.”

“I love you too, Jarmo, and now we need to get dinner ready!” She swatted him on the butt and returned to making the pudding.

~~~

Juha was nervous when he rang the doorbell. He tried to be as calm as possible, but he felt like a child again and was eager to celebrate Christmas, unwrap the presents and eat Christmas dinner.

Chris in turn had given up on calming Juha. It was hopeless – he had realized that when Juha had almost stumbled because he had insisted on carrying the presents all at the same time.

Helena opened the door and her big blue eyes fastened on the presents Juha was carrying. “Are those for me?”

“Not all of them, princess,” Juha said and stepped inside. “But one or two, yes.”

At hearing that, Helena clapped her hands and started cheering. “Yes, more presents! I love Christmas!”

Juha went into the living room and put their presents next to the ones Jarmo and Leea had already placed there. It had become quite an impressive pile by the time Juha had finished.

“Oh, you’re spoiling her!” Leea had watched Juha and now grinned. “She’s already being pampered!”

“Princesses are supposed to be pampered,” Chris said. He noticed the way Helena’s eyes widened and then she ran toward him, wrapping her arms around his left leg. “Uh, what did I say?”

“She likes you,” Leea said and gave Chris a wink. “Why don’t you sit down? Jarmo and I will be done in the kitchen in five minutes. Juha, if you want to, you can hold the baby.” She pointed at the cradle, which Jarmo had moved downstairs so little Juha could be part of their Christmas celebration too.

Juha made his way over the cradle and cautiously gathered the baby in his arms, recalling Jarmo’s instructions when he had held little Juha that first time. He made his way over to the couch, sat down, and watched the baby sleep. Everything was perfect in his little world.

Chris in the meantime was stuck, since Helena refused to let go. “Princess, I really need my leg back.”

Helena giggled and let go, but she still gave him a wicked look. “Can I sit on your lap? I want to see the baby too!”

Chris was relieved now that she had let go of his leg and sat down next to Juha. He pulled the little girl onto his lap and Helena immediately focused on her baby brother. Now that she was distracted, Chris got a chance to look at his lover. Juha’s eyes glowed and his fingers moved with infinite care over the baby’s head, stroking the scalp.

“Okay, dinner’s almost ready!” Jarmo came to a stop when he saw Juha so focused on the baby and for one moment his heart ached because he knew Juha would never become a father himself. Unfortunately it was hard, almost as good as impossible, for same sex couples to adopt. It was a shame though, knowing Juha would make a good parent. “I hope the two of you are hungry! Leea got ambitious and decided to make turkey. She put a whole bird in the oven!”

“He’s cute,” Juha said when the baby opened his blue eyes and seemed to look at him. “You’d better be careful or I’ll take him home with me!”

“Hey, don’t you think I got something to say about that too?” Chris chuckled and shook his head. He wouldn’t get sex often if there was a baby in their bed!

Juha had caught on and swatted Chris on his forehead. “Stop thinking dirty thoughts! There are children in the room!”

“I can’t help it! I’m in love with you!” Chris defended himself.

Jarmo chuckled. “Yes, behave. We don’t want our little princess here to hear things she’s still too young for!”

“I’m not too young! I’m a big girl!” Helena crossed her arms in front of her chest and wanted to protest again when her mother called her name. She jumped from Chris’ lap and ran into the kitchen to help.

Jarmo collapsed onto a chair and drew in a deep breath. “I love cooking, I really do, but two cooks in one kitchen are too much.”

“Did Leea get bossy?” Chris said and grinned.

“Well, she has her way of doing things and I got mine. Sometimes that clashes, but in the end, we always make up.” Jarmo returned the grin. “Making up is always the best part of fighting.”

“I wouldn’t really know,” Juha said, pretty much absentmindedly as he was smiling at the baby in his arms.

“What do you mean, you wouldn’t know?” Jarmo frowned.

Chris shrugged. “We never fight…”

“You don’t? Wow…” Jarmo whistled softly. “Maybe you should though – once in a while. Make up sex is the best.”

“Jarmo Kylmänen, there’s a baby in the room!” Leea said as he appeared in the doorway.

“He’s too small! He has no idea what we’re talking about!” Jarmo knew he had to be careful though when Helena also entered the living room. “Are we set for dinner?”

“Turkey’s ready… I’ll get the soup.” Leea looked at her daughter and said, “You can help, if you promise to be careful!”

“I’ll be careful!” Excited, Helena followed her mother into the kitchen again.

Jarmo got to his feet and walked over to his brother. “Let’s put him into his cradle again. He needs his sleep and you can’t eat like that.”

“I like holding him,” Juha said, but then handed the tiny bundle to his father.

Jarmo placed his son into the cradle, and after making sure little Juha was comfortable, he gestured for Chris and Juha to seat themselves at the dining table.

“Looks nice. Someone around here loves pink!” Chris grinned at seeing the pink decoration. There were even pink napkins.

“Don’t get me started. Leea took Helena to IKEA yesterday and you don’t want to know how much they bought and most of it is pink!” Jarmo chuckled though when he opened the kitchen door so Leea and Helena could carry the soup into the living room.

Once everyone was seated, Helena smiled at Chris. “Do you like tomato soup?”

“Yes, I do, though normally there are letters in mine!”

“Letters?” Helena’s gaze turned curious.

“Alphabet soup,” Juha said, explaining it to Helena. “You can move them around in your soup and create words.”

“Oh, pappa, can we have that tomorrow?” Helena turned her one hundred mega watt smile on her parents and her father especially.

“The shops are closed for the next few days, but we’ll get some next week,” Jarmo said, relenting and keeping the peace, knowing darn well that when his daughter wanted something she would find a way to get it! She really took after her mother in that way, but he didn’t really mind. It was one of the reasons why he had fallen for Leea and he wouldn’t want his wife or daughter to change!

TBC

Part 4

After everyone had their belly stuffed with Christmas turkey, they settled on the couch. Juha leaned against Chris and the guitarist wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close. Juha ended up purring softly and the tomcat lying on the windowsill gave him a probing look. Juha ignored it though. “I’m about to explode. I ate too much!”

Chris chuckled. “Why didn’t you stop in time?”

“It tasted so good!” Juha’s gaze swept through the living room. Jarmo and Leea had also cuddled up together and Helena was eyeing the presents eagerly. “If your father doesn’t mind, you can unpack the present you’re getting from Chris and me,” Juha offered and gave her a wink.

“I don’t mind.” Jarmo pressed a kiss onto his wife’s brow. He felt full too. He had never liked Christmas very much as a youngster, but that had changed when he had met Leea. The first year they had been a couple, he had been skeptical about hauling a tree into the apartment. Niklas had always had these high quality fake trees and the boys hadn’t been allowed to fool around with the Christmas decorations. Helena and Niklas had done the decorating, and after she had died, Niklas had asked the housekeeper to do so. After their mother had died the Christmas spirit had left the home and had lost all meaning for Jarmo and he suspected it had been the same way for Juha.

“Which one is it?” Helena shifted on her feet constantly and wondered which present was hers.

“That one on top,” Chris said and pointed the present out to the little girl.

At first, Helena was disappointed because the package was rather small. She had hoped for something big and spectacular. “This one?” She raised the present and after Chris had nodded, she sat down on the floor and started unwrapping it.

Chris shook his head and grinned. Helena’s tongue poked out at the side of her mouth and her little fingers were trying to be so fast, that she failed to get a hold of the wrapping paper.

In the end, Helena succeeded in tearing off the wrapping paper. Her eyes widened and she squealed happily. “It’s a princess Barbie and she’s all pink!” The doll’s clothes and shoes were pink and there were even pink streaks running through the blond hair. “I love her! Thank you!” She got to her feet and pulled herself onto Chris’ lap. She hugged him tightly and crawled onto Juha’s. “I love you too!” She got back to her feet and took the new Barbie to the others so she could introduce her to the rest.

Jarmo chuckled. “All right, that should keep her busy for a few minutes!”

Leea freed herself of her husband’s hold and whispered, “I’ll make some coffee. Anyone?”

Chris nodded. “Yes, please! I’m afraid I might fall asleep otherwise!” It was warm in the living room, his belly was full, and the mood relaxed. What else could he wish for?

“Me too,” Juha said and nodded. Leea headed for the kitchen and Juha wanted to cuddle closer to Chris when the baby suddenly woke and started to cry.

“Someone’s hungry!” Jarmo announced. “I’d better get his bottle!” After giving them a wink, he went into the kitchen.

Juha got to his feet and made his way over to the cradle. He couldn’t help it, he loved little Juha. Carefully he gathered the baby in his arms and returned to the couch, where he sat down close to Chris. “He’s adorable.”

Chris nodded and realized Juha would have made a good father, but unfortunately for the redhead, Juha would never have children of his own. His lover would have to ‘adopt’ little Juha instead. “Those lungs must be a family thing. He’ll probably end up being a singer too!”

Jarmo returned and walked over to Juha. “Here, you can give him the bottle if you want. Just keep it like this.” Jarmo showed Juha how to feed the baby and took his seat again, enjoying seeing his younger brother so happy.

“Coffee!” Leea placed the tray with mugs and coffee pot on the coffee table and poured them some. She settled back into Jarmo’s arms and smiled at watching Juha feeding the baby. “You’re a natural,” she said and gave him a wink.

“He’s cute,” Juha said and sighed. “I would love to take him home with me!”

Leea grinned. “How about you occasionally babysitting him for us? I can’t remember the last evening we had to ourselves.”

“That would mean babysitting Helena too,” Jarmo explained, having caught Chris’ look.

“I’m not good with children,” Chris whispered thoughtfully.

“Helena would disagree with you,” Jarmo said. “You made quite an impression on her. She loves pink, and as you seem to like that color too, you definitely got something in common!”

“I’d love to babysit,” Juha replied and gave Jarmo and Leea a serious look. “I mean it. It’d be a great Christmas gift.”

“Then you got your first gift just now.” Leea sipped her coffee and enjoyed the peaceful atmosphere, every so often looking at her daughter to make sure Helena was enjoying her newest gift.

Juha placed the baby into the cradle again and went over to the pile of presents. He removed one which was square and handed it to Jarmo and Leea. “I wanted to get you something, but I didn’t have much time so I hope you’re not disappointed.” After he had put the gift in Jarmo’s lap, he returned to Chris and cuddled up to his lover.

“Ui! You got a gift too, pappa!” Holding on tightly to her newest Barbie, Helena climbed onto the couch and settled down in-between her parents. “I want to see what’s in it! Open it!”

Jarmo shook his head at his daughter’s impatience, but then removed the gift wrap. He smiled at seeing the photo album which he was holding in his hands. His smile turned into a crooked grin: he was already looking forward to seeing Juha’s reaction to his present! But for now, he focused on his gift and opened it so he could look through the pictures.

“This is really nice. Thank you, Juha.” Juha had put pictures in there from after he had gone through chemo. On the oldest photographs he still wore his wig, and later on, the real hair returned and Jarmo noticed the way it grew year after year until it had regained its original length. There were pictures of Juha and Mikko on the first few pages and photographs of Chris and Juha concluded the album.

“I’m glad you like it.”

Juha’s voice pulled Jarmo from his thoughts and he sighed deeply. “I wish I could have been there for you. Having surgery and then going through chemo must have been hard on you.”

Juha nodded. “I try not to think of it too much.” Resting his head against Chris’ shoulder, he took his lover’s hand into his and rubbed Chris’ fingers.

“I got you something too. Well, Leea helped,” Jarmo added when she swatted him on the back of his head.

“You’d better not forget I helped!” Leea told him.

Jarmo handed him an equally square present and the wolfish grin on his older brother’s face told Juha that something was up. His fingertips moved over the gift wrap and encountered something hard, but flexible beneath them. A grin surfaced on his face as he said, “Did we have the same idea?”

Jarmo shrugged. “Why don’t you find out?”

Juha removed the gift wrap and nodded his head. Jarmo had made him a photo album too.

“The two of you think alike,” Chris said and pressed a kiss onto Juha’s cheek. “Open it. I want to look.”

Juha opened the album and turned the pages, smiling when he saw the wedding pictures. Leea had married in white and Jarmo had put on a suit. He had never before seen his brother wear one. Next were picture of Leea’s pregnancy and Helena’s birth. Juha sighed at seeing the rosy, fleshy baby girl. “Helena was cute too.”

“She still is,” Jarmo quickly said, catching the rising the pout on his daughter’s face.

“Of course!” Juha nodded, assuring the little girl that she was still cute. Helena seemed appeased and Juha moved on until he also encountered pictures of the baby boy on the last pages. “I love it!” Juha gave Jarmo a grateful look. He really felt like he was part of Jarmo’s family now. There was only one thing missing and that was having their father there with them.

~~~

Leea had noticed Juha’s depressed expression and knew she had to do something. “Talk to him,” she hissed into Jarmo’s ear. “You can’t change the past...that much is true, but you can influence the future. If your father is a part of Juha’s life again, you can’t simply deny that and act like nothing has changed. You need to reach some kind of compromise. And no, I don’t like your father any more than you do, but Juha’s hurting!” Jarmo gave her a pleading look, but she was adamant. Speaking in a louder voice, she said, “Helena, say goodnight to your uncles. It’s bedtime for you!”

Helena considered protesting, but her mother’s look told her she meant business and so she got up from the floor and went over to her mother. “Can I take my new Barbie with me?”

“Of course you can. And now tell them goodnight.” Leea scooted her daughter into Chris’ and Juha’s direction.

Helena walked over to Juha and wrapped her short arms around him when he leaned forward. “Sweet dreams, uncle Juha and thank you for my new Barbie.”

Juha pressed a kiss onto her hair and smiled at her. “Sleep tight, Helena.”

Helena turned toward Chris and smiled winningly. “Hug?” she asked him and opened her arms.

Chris took the little girl into his arms and hugged her. “Have some great dreams, little princess.” Her smile broadened and Chris started to feel a little shy. He wasn’t used to being around children and had no idea why she liked him. To his surprise she gave him a peck on his cheek. She turned and went over to her mother and the two ladies went upstairs.

“Do you know how lucky you are?” Juha asked Jarmo when his older brother had moved over to the baby. Jarmo picked the baby boy up and carried him over to the couch where he sat down.

Jarmo nodded. “I know I’m lucky. I never thought my life would be so rich!” Jarmo recalled his wife’s words and knew he had to talk about Niklas, whether he wanted to or not. He studied Juha for some minutes and then tackled the subject. “I can’t forgive our father for what he did, Juha. He ruined my life back then. He was vicious and mean.”

Juha looked at Jarmo in surprise. He hadn’t expected his brother to address the matter that moment. “I don’t know what to think of him either. He’s is still manipulating me, you’re right about that, but I also believe that he has my best interest in mind. He means well, but he still needs to learn how to be honest about everything.”

Jarmo nodded. “You know what he’s like, Juha. Yes, maybe he changed some, but he’ll never lose his tricks.”

“I’m willing to give him a chance though. He *is* our father and I always wanted him to love me and support me. He has started doing so. He paid for surgery and my aftercare. I know that he’s wealthy, but still… The gesture means a lot to me.”

Jarmo considered this. “I don’t trust him, Juha and I never will.”

Chris knew he had no business getting involved, but he still did. “You made him a grandfather, Jarmo. I imagine he would like to see his grandchildren.”

Jarmo nodded again. “I’m no heartless bastard,” he said, addressing Chris. “I won’t stop him from seeing my children, but I’ll most certainly not encourage him. I don’t want them to get hurt like we were.”

“Would you agree to meet with him? Talk to him? I’d be there too. I can mediate,” Juha offered.

“I need time to think that over,” Jarmo replied, unwilling to commit to such a talk yet. “I need to sort everything out first.”

Juha understood. “The offer stands. If you ever want to take that step, just let me know and I’ll help.”

Jarmo nodded: he had no desire to talk to their father again, but Chris had made a point. His children had a grandfather and they should get to know him. Once they were older, they could decide themselves if they wanted any contact with Niklas or not.

~~~

Juha enjoyed the spiced wine a little too much. His cheeks had turned red and his eyes twinkled wickedly when Chris looked at him. “Hey, do you have any idea how we’re supposed to get home? You’re drunk! You can’t drive like that!” Contrary to Juha, Chris was relatively sober and regretted having lost his driver’s license all those years ago.

Juha grinned at Chris. “Who says I have any intention of going home?” Sipping more of his spiced wine, he winked at Chris.

“Juha, we can’t crash here!” Chris reckoned they would end up calling a taxi to get home and Juha would have to pick up his car when he was sober again.

“Actually, you can. We got a guestroom. You might have to scoot close because there’s only a single bed in there, but something tells me that you won’t mind snuggling up together.” Jarmo had long realized that Juha was in no condition to drive home and had already discussed the matter with Leea who was putting on fresh bed linen.

“We don’t want to intrude…” Chris wasn’t sure they should accept. Jarmo and Leea probably wanted some time alone and Juha and he would be intruding.

“That’s nonsense!” Leea raised and then pointed a finger at Chris. “If we didn’t want guests, we had made that room into a drawing room or music studio, but we didn’t. We like having guests!”

Chris nodded and smiled at her. “I get it.”

“Good!” Leea’s gaze shifted from Chris to Juha. “You’d better haul him upstairs while he can still walk.” Juha’s eyes had started to close and he was smiling happily.

“Oh, if things get worse, I’ll just carry him. I did that before.” Chris cocked his head and checked on his lover. “Are you still awake?”

“Humpf,” was Juha’s incoherent answer before snuggling even closer to Chris.

“I guess that answers it!” Leea chuckled.

Chris got to his feet, pushed his hands beneath Juha’s knees and back and slowly lifted him. Juha had gained weight during these last few months and he wasn’t the lightweight he had been after surgery.

“Are you sure you can get him upstairs?” Jarmo asked, keeping a close eye on his brother.

“I’ll manage. I just need to get used to the fact that he’s putting weight on. I’m grateful for that – he lost a lot of kilos after he had surgery.”

Jarmo accompanied them upstairs and opened the door to the guestroom. “I wish I could have been there for him too. It was so hard to leave him behind back then, but I knew our father would never let me see him.”

Chris placed Juha on the bed and the redhead promptly curled up and continued to sleep. Lovingly, Chris stroked the red hair and smiled at his lover. “I admire his strength and courage. He didn’t go through that ordeal just once, but twice. I’m not sure I would have managed if I had been in his shoes.”

Jarmo nodded to show he understood. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, go ahead.” Chris covered Juha with the comforter and walked over to Jarmo as he didn’t want to disturb his lover’s sleep. “What do you want to know?”

“What do make of our father? What impression makes Niklas on you?”

Chris took a moment to think it over as he wanted to give Jarmo an honest answer. “I think he’s changed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry for what he did to Juha back then, but I believe he’s trying to make amends. He still needs to learn not to meddle though, but he has manipulated people his entire life so it might be hard for him to change that. I don’t think he’s a danger though – not to your children, to Juha or you.”

“I’d like to believe that, but the past taught me differently.”

“Chris? I’m…cold,” Juha complained and his head reached for his lover from beneath the comforter.

“Cold?” Jarmo raised an eyebrow. “With all that spiced wine you had?”

Juha opened an eye and realized he had been caught. “Uhm, how about hot?”

Chris laughed. “You’re wicked! You merely pretended being asleep so I’d carry you upstairs! I should have known! You’re back to your usual tricks!”

Juha nibbled on his bottom lip. “It’s Christmas! Be nice!”

Jarmo chuckled along and walked over to the doorway. “I’d better leave the two of you alone! I’ll see you in the morning for breakfast! We sleep in late, so there’s no need to get up early for the two of you!”

Chris liked that and sat down on the bed. “See you tomorrow then!”

Jarmo closed the door behind him and left the two of them alone.

Chris turned toward Juha. “Are you going to sleep in all that?”

“I’m too drunk to bother… Get down here! I want to cuddle!”

Chris however shook his head. “You won’t be comfortable like that and then you’ll wake me and nag until I help you out of your clothes. So, cooperate!” Chris managed to remove Juha’s clothes and then got rid of his own. Climbing into the bed, he tucked the comforter around their forms and snuggled up to Juha. “I like your brother.”

“He’s changed,” Juha whispered as he nuzzled Chris’ throat. “I like him much better this way, and Leea, Helena and the baby are great too.”

“You really like that baby, don’t you?” To Chris’ surprise, Juha’s eyes opened and the look in them was remarkably sober.

“I like children, Chris, but I also know that we’ll never have any, but at least I have my nephew whom I can pamper. And if everything works out between Jarmo and me, I can really be his uncle. I want to be there for the little one.” Juha bit on his bottom lip. “Or do you mind?”

“No, I don’t. The baby *is* cute. It just takes some time for me to adjust to the fact that you’re an uncle now and… She likes me!”

Juha chuckled. “She does. Helena likes you a lot! You might not be used to being around children, but you know how to draw their attention and affection! It’s a good thing! It really is.”

“I know it is.” Chris wrapped Juha up in his arms and closed his eyes. “Sleep tight, baby.”

“Have some sweet dreams too, Chris.” Juha pressed close, enjoying the contact and feeling Chris’ skin against his. He was tired and fell asleep quickly.

Chris followed his lover into sleep only moments later, still thrilled that Helena had liked that Barbie. After all, *he* had picked it!

~~~

“Pancakes!” Helena was all riled up. It was Christmas’ morning and she was finally allowed to unpack the rest of the gifts, but first, she had to eat breakfast. She distracted herself by peeking at her new uncles. She liked the fact that she had more family now, because that meant getting more presents at her birthday. She also liked Juha and Chris, and Chris especially. Now that the baby was around, her parents had less time for her and Juha and Chris showing up was perfect. They would pamper her and make up for the time her parents spend with her little brother. “I finished mine! Can I get my presents now?” She shifted restlessly on her chair, but didn’t leave the table without her parents’ okay.

Leea had pity on her daughter. “You can unwrap them… Look for the ones with your name on them… There are also some presents for your father and me.”

“I promise to look!” She jumped from her chair and ran into the living room.

“Children,” Leea said in an amused voice. “Do you like the pancakes?”

Juha had just finished his, which had been topped with lots of sugar. “Exactly what I needed!”

“So what are your plans for the day?” Jarmo asked after finishing his pancake as well.

Juha grew uncomfortable as he had to bring up their father again. “I promised our father I’d visit. He didn’t have any plans so I’m guessing he’s all alone.”

Jarmo shrugged. “So what? He probably likes it best that way!”

“I don’t think so,” Juha said in a wavering voice. “Would you… Would you like to come along? I would really like for the two of you…to bury…the hatchet and it’s Christmas! It would really mean a lot to me if you…tried.” He glanced nervously at Jarmo, whose expression had turned distant and emotionless, and for one moment that look reminded Juha of the way his father had been ten years ago. Tentatively, Juha placed his hand atop of Jarmo’s and squeezed his older brother’s fingers. “Don’t be like him, Jarmo. You’re better than that. Don’t let him have that much influence on you. You’re not like him.”

Jarmo seemed to wake up from some trance he had been in. He didn’t like himself when he was like that. Juha was right – at times he could be as cold and distant as his father.

Leea had noticed it too. It hurt, seeing Jarmo like that. He had been like that when they had first started dating and it had taken her months to make him feel safe and at ease. Jarmo had always been on guard and suspicious of her actions. In the end, she had managed to get through, but every now and then, the old Jarmo appeared. “Juha’s right, dear.”

Jarmo knew Juha was right, but that didn’t make things easier on him. “Today?”

Juha nodded. “This evening…”

Jarmo wasn’t sure he should accept. “Juha, I’m not sure I’m ready. I don’t know how I will react when I see him! And who says he wants to see me? Did you ever consider the possibility that he wants you back in his life, but not me?”

“He regrets what he did back then and he wants to make things up to you.”

“Juha, our father can never make things up to me! He hurt me back then! He forced me to abandon you!”

Juha lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry… I don’t know…what to…”

Chris decided it was time he intervened. “Baby, if Jarmo doesn’t want to do this yet, then give him time.”

Jarmo gave Chris a grateful look. “Juha, it’s been a bit much… I’m happy to have you back in my life again! Let me get used to that idea first before we start discussing our father.”

Juha realized he had been moving too fast. Jarmo wasn’t ready to face the past yet. “Please forgive me…”

“It’s okay. I know you mean well.” Jarmo reversed the hold Juha had on his hand until he was able to caress his younger brother’s fingers. “Give me time.”

Juha nodded. “I will.” No matter how difficult it was for him.

~~~

“Are you coming back again? I like you – both of you!” Helena smiled shyly at Chris, who had lowered himself onto his heels so she could hug him. “I’ll even let you play with my new Barbie!” The doll was in her arms and every so often, she hugged it, or brushed the hair with her fingertips.

“We’ll visit again shortly. Is that okay, little princess?” Chris stroked her locks and was reminded of the pictures he had seen of Juha when he’d had curly hair. The way Juha’s hair looked now, red and straight, it was hard to imagine it had looked different in the past.

She eagerly nodded her head. “Tomorrow?”

Jarmo laughed. “Not tomorrow, Helena, but soon. They probably want to celebrate Christmas in private too.”

Juha blushed. Jarmo had hit bull’s eye.

Chris however grinned and pulled Juha close. “Of course we do! It’s our first Christmas together!”

Juha raised his gaze and gazed adoringly at Chris. “Our first Christmas…” He sighed.

“And lots more will follow!” Chris however knew how quickly everything could end. Almost losing Juha to cancer had shown him that and it had made him so much more determined to make the best out of every moment they were allowed to spent together. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too, Chris.” Juha kissed his lover on the lips. He hoped Chris was right and that they would spend many more Christmases together!

~~~

“Thanks for coming along. I feel really off now that Jarmo refused to tag along.” Juha pressed the doorbell to his father’s apartment and leaned heavily against Chris. “Jarmo is making me doubt myself. Am I wrong to give my father a second chance?”

Chris shook his head and did his best to reassure his lover. “It’s who you are, Juha. You’re the kind of person who wants to trust. You give people second chances! I benefited from that myself. If you hadn’t given me a second chance back then…”

Juha considered Chris’ words and knew his lover was right. He wasn’t someone who hated easily. He rather forgave and gave a person a second chance.

The door opened and Niklas appeared in the doorway. He felt relieved at seeing Juha standing there. In the back of his head he had been worried that his son might reconsider and would follow Jarmo’s lead, deciding to cut contact again. “Come inside! It’s cold out there!”

Juha removed the snow from his coat and stepped inside. Chris closed the door behind them and both felt happy to be out of the cold. It was freezing outside!

“I made something to eat, so if you’re hungry…” Niklas had been looking forward to this visit as Juha and Chris would be his sole visitors for Christmas. Yes, he could have gone to eat somewhere posh, but he didn’t feel like spending Christmas with strangers when he could have his son close.

“I’m hungry,” Chris said when Juha remained quiet. His lover was lost in thought and he understood why. Jarmo had given Juha a lot to think about.

“Follow me into the dining room then!” Niklas led the way. The dining room had been decorated with holly and there was even a miniature tree in the corner. He had done his best to create a homely atmosphere, but wasn’t sure he had been successful. Helena had always taken care of such things and he had felt lost when he had decorated the tree.

Juha noticed the tree as well and was surprised that to find it was a real tree and not a fake one. The dining table was set, not too formally, and it actually looked inviting.

“Please sit down! I’ll get the soup!” Niklas went into the kitchen and returned with a tray. He placed the soup on the table and then sat down himself.

Juha started to eat the chicken soup and exchanged a look with Chris. They had talked about Jarmo and Chris had advised him to address the matter. He didn’t want to spring this on his father yet so Juha decided to wait. Only now did he notice the Christmas music playing quietly in the back. “What did you do yesterday?” Juha asked in order to make conversation.

“I watched television. There were some Christmas movies on which I haven’t watched in years. I used to watch them with your mother.” Niklas choked back the emotions clawing at his throat and concentrated on eating his soup. “Did you visit Jarmo last night?”

“Yes, we did. He has changed a great deal,” Juha said, wondering what to say. He didn’t want to hurt his father’s feelings, but he had to be truthful with him. “He has a lovely wife. She’s a quite a handful, to quote Jarmo, but I believe they’re really happy.”

Niklas swallowed nervously and didn’t meet Juha’s gaze when his son looked at him. “And the children? Did you see them?”

Juha’s features contorted at hearing the solitude and longing in his father’s voice. “The little girl is adorable. You probably already know that they called her Helena?”

“I did.”

“And the baby is the cutest thing ever. I got to feed him his bottle. Jarmo called him Juha.”

Niklas placed his spoon on the table and stared blankly ahead. “I’d love to see them just once. Or talk to them. I’m a grandfather and I don’t even know my grandchildren. Oh, I know I’m to blame! That I’m alone today is my own fault. I drove Jarmo away.”

Juha reached inside his carrying bag and uncovered the photo album. “This was Jarmo’s Christmas present for me, but I think you need it more.” He shoved it over the table toward his father. “It tells Jarmo’s story in a way.”

Niklas opened the album and slowly turned the pages. As he did, tears gathered in his eyes and he quickly wiped them away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to…” He wiped at them and wanted to leave the room so he could dry them properly, but then Juha’s hand settled on his wrist.

“It’s okay to cry,” Juha offered, growing more confident that his decision to give his father a second chance had been the right one to make. Niklas had changed, and sure, he still made mistakes, but who didn’t? It meant his father was only human. “Jarmo doesn’t want to meet you yet. He’s not ready for that, but if you want me to, I’ll continue to talk to him. The two of you are important to me. I want you to get along!”

Niklas patted Juha’s hand. “Son, sometimes we don’t always get what we want, but thank you for trying.” He turned another page and saw Helena, still a baby, cradled safely in her mother’s arms. “Would you leave the album here with me? You can pick it up in a few days. I just want to look at them.”

Juha nodded. He had the real thing after all, and he felt incredibly sorry that his father had to suffer in that way. Yes, his father had made grave mistakes in the past, but that didn’t mean he wanted his father to hurt in such a way!

TBC

Part 5

“I’m sorry, but it’s about time Chris and I headed home.” They had stayed until midnight, but now Juha was getting tired and he wanted to cuddle up to Chris in bed. They had watched Christmas movies, eaten snacks, and had even managed some small talk.

Niklas regretted them having to leave, but he got to his feet and walked them to the front door. “Thanks for visiting. I really loved having you here.”

Juha and Chris reached for their coats and slipped into them. Juha had had an okay time too and smiled at his father. “We’ll do this again shortly!” He froze momentarily when Niklas moved to hug him, but then he shook himself and returned the embrace. “We’ll see you soon!”

Chris opened the front door and his eyes widened. When had that blizzard started? The weather was truly appalling and he could barely make out the shape of their car. It was covered under almost one meter of snow. “Juha? We have a problem.”

Juha looked outside and realized the same thing. They were snowed in. There was no way they would manage to get home that night. The road had disappeared beneath the thick blanket. “I guess that means we’re stuck.”

Niklas perked up again. He had felt sad at the prospect of them leaving and now there was a chance they might stay the night. “I never used the guestroom before, but there is a bed in it.”

“Looks like we’ll have to accept your offer,” Chris said and quickly closed the door to shut out the icy wind. “There’s no way we can drive home. I doubt we would even manage to get into the car!”

Juha removed his coat and boots again and shrugged. “Could be way worse. We could be stranded somewhere along the road. At least this way we’re warm and safe!”

Juha and Chris followed Niklas upstairs. The guestroom was rather spacious and had a twin bed. Juha was relieved they had a place to sleep and weren’t stuck out there in the blizzard!

“I hope you’ll sleep well. I’ll make breakfast in the morning. Just come downstairs when you’re ready.” Niklas smiled broadly, enjoying having guests for the very first time!

~~~

Juha woke early in the morning and snuggled closer to Chris, who was still blissfully asleep. He tried going back to sleep, but it just wouldn’t work: he was much too awake for that. In the end, Juha got to his feet, donned the morning robe that Niklas had draped over the foot end of the bed, and went downstairs. To his surprise he smelled fresh coffee and following his nose, he ended up in the kitchen. Niklas was already there, wearing comfortable sweats, which made Juha frown in surprise. He had never seen his father wear something as informal as sweats. “Morning,” he whispered and managed a smile when his father turned toward him.

“You’re up early!” Niklas gestured for his son to seat himself at the kitchen table. “Do you want coffee?”

Juha nodded. “I couldn’t sleep anymore. Chris however has no problems whatsoever.”

Niklas poured his son coffee and carried a basket filled with bread over to the kitchen table. The table was already set as Niklas had been hungry and had made breakfast. “If you’re hungry, eat!” He buttered some toast and added strawberry jam to it.

Juha took a slice of bread, buttered it, and added cheese to it. He bit a chunk off and munched absentmindedly as he studied his father. “I don’t really know that much about you,” he realized. “Do you live in Tampere these days? What about the house in Oulu?”

“I stopped teaching,” Niklas said, starting off his story. “I still hold some chairman functions, but they don’t bind me to a certain city. I’m flexible these days and therefore I bought an apartment here in Tampere too. I’m letting your old apartment in Helsinki. I bought it when you put it on the market. And yes, the house in Oulu is still mine. I’d never sell it. I spent happy years there with your mother.”

Juha added sugar and milk to his coffee and sipped it. “Does that mean you’ll stay here?”

“I won’t be here all the time,” Niklas replied. “Sometimes I’ll have to travel for work, but I’ll make time which we can spend together if you’d like that.”

Juha nodded. “I would.” He wondered if he should bring Jarmo up, and in the end, he did. “Maybe it would help if you took the first step where reconciling with Jarmo is concerned. You could apologize for what you did back then.”

Niklas considered Juha’s suggestion. “Do you think he’ll listen?”

“I’m not sure.” Juha shrugged. “He’s still angry about what you did and I understand that. He wanted to be there for me and you sabotaged that.”

Niklas sighed and it showed how deeply he regretted his past actions. “I can only hope he’ll want to listen to me one day.” He looked up in surprise when Juha rested his hand atop of his and curled his fingers around it.

“I’ll continue to talk to him. Don’t give up. You need to fight if you want to get through to him. You have a lot to make up for.”

Juha was right of course. Niklas knew that only too well!

~~~

One week later…

“Must we really spend New Year’s at Jonne’s place?” Juha liked the blond as much as Chris did, but he’d rather stay at home for a change. Lately it seemed like they were always on the move – spending time with Jarmo, helping Matti get his album ready, and visiting with Mikko and Antti, and Niklas. Juha wanted to stay at home for a change and have Chris all to himself. He was greedy in that way! Once a while, Chris was his and when he felt like that he didn’t want to share!

“I’m really sorry, baby,” Chris said as he caught Juha’s gaze from across their living room. “But I promised Jonne and Jack we would party into the New Year with them.” Jonne had called daily to make sure they were still on and Chris couldn’t possibly disappoint his friends now. He had been neglecting them anyway.

Juha sighed. “You’re right, of course. We have been spending most evenings either with Jarmo or with my father. I don’t want to lose touch with our friends either. Anteeksi Chris…” Juha walked over to his lover and wrapped him up in an embrace from behind. “Promise me something though?”

Chris rested the back of his head against Juha’s abdomen and looked at the redhead. “Anything you want, baby.”

“Tomorrow I want you to myself. We’re going to lock ourselves in and no matter who calls, we’re not going outside. I want to spend the day with you – and in our bed.”

“I promise,” Chris whispered and raised an arm to caress Juha’s face. “Tomorrow, I’m yours.”

~~~

It was mayhem in Jonne’s and Jack’s apartment. It looked like they had invited anyone they knew and Chris and Juha had to fight their way over to their friends.

“Did they invite the whole Finnish music scene?” Chris shook his head. He had expected all Negative members to be there, and he also understood why Ville and his friends were there, and okay, it was kind of logical that most of the Private Liners were present at well. But there were also members of Uniklubi and Antti had dragged all kind of musicians along. Matti was also there, in Tommi’s company of course.

“I hope they bought enough alcohol to keep the lot satisfied!” Juha pulled Chris along when Antti and Jay moved out of the way and they had finally reached Jack and Jonne, who were sipping champagne already.

Chris suddenly stood in front of his friends thanks to Juha’s action and he hugged Jonne first and then Jack. Now that he looked at their smiling faces, he realized how much he had missed them. They really had to go clubbing one of these days – just the four of them! “Did you invite half of Tampere?”

Jonne had the grace to blush. “It turned out we had a misunderstanding and we ended up inviting too many people. I thought we had agreed on a list of guests, but Japa called a few more friends and they invited more in turn, so…” Jonne shrugged. “It’s not entirely my fault.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Japa said quickly. “Everyone is having a good time, and should we need more alcohol, we’ll send someone to get it.” He pulled Jonne into his arms and pressed his front against the blond’s back. “Just remember to stay close. There’s only one person I want to kiss at midnight and that’s you!”

Jonne purred contently. “I’ll keep it in mind!”

Juha and Chris were about to mingle when Juha’s mobile phone rang. Shooting Chris an apologetic look, Juha answered the call. “Juha Kylmänen,” he said after he had noticed that the caller’s ID was unknown.

“I’m calling on behalf of your father. He has been admitted to our hospital thirty minutes ago, and as you’re listed as his next of kin, we wanted to inform you that he has had an accident,” a female voice said.

Juha’s eyes widened and he took hold of Chris’ hand as he needed his lover’s support.

Chris noticed the startled look in the redhead’s eyes and moved them into a quiet corner. “What’s wrong?”

Juha merely shook his head. “I don’t know… It’s about my father… Some accident.”

Chris drew in a deep breath. “What happened?”

Juha mechanically repeated Chris’ question and asked the nurse, “What happened?”

“His car slipped on the highway. He was traveling at high speed and ice had formed on the asphalt. He was lucky that his airbag absorbed most of the impact, but we had to admit him and he’ll have to stay for the next few days.”

“How badly injured is he?” Juha squeezed Chris’ hand and the guitarist wrapped an arm around his waist. Juha was grateful for the support and leaned heavily against Chris.

“His left leg is fractured. He’ll need surgery for that. He also suffered a cracked rib and a concussion.”

“But he’s not in any life threatening danger?” Juha asked, needing to make sure.

“No life-threatening injuries, no.”

Juha drew in a deep breath and then released it slowly. “Can I see him?”

“Not today. He needs rest and the doctors want to examine him to see if he’s fit for surgery. I suggest you come in tomorrow at one in the afternoon.” She told him which hospital his father was at and where to check when he wanted to visit. “Do you have any last questions?”

“Can you call me if his situation worsens?”

“Of course. I’ll keep you informed.”

Juha terminated the call and gave Chris a helpless look. “What do I do? I can’t put that aside and party…”

Chris pulled Juha into his arms. “No one expects you to do so. Let’s tell Jack and Jonne why we’re leaving and then we should drive to Jarmo’s place so you can tell him in person instead of over the phone.”

Juha was grateful that Chris was thinking along – he had completely forgotten about Jarmo. “Yes, he needs to know!”

~~~

Jarmo was surprised to see Chris and Juha standing on his doorstep. He knew they had planned to celebrate the New Year with their friends, so to see them standing there made him frown. “Hey, I thought-“

Juha interrupted him. “Can we come inside?”

Jarmo nodded and stepped aside. “Of course.” A disconcerting feeling settled in his stomach.

“Are you alone?” Juha frowned questioningly at his brother.

“Leea wanted to visit her parents and took Helena with her. I volunteered to stay at home to keep an eye on the baby who has been crying all night. He tested his lungs for eight hours straight!” Jarmo guided them into the living room and gestured for them to sit down. “Is something wrong?” Juha was nervous and the expression in those green eyes distant and worried.

Juha sat down and reached for Chris’ hand. “I had a call thirty minutes ago. Our father is in hospital. He was in a car accident.”

Jarmo sucked in his breath. “What?”

“He’s not in any life threatening danger, but they’re keeping him there as he needs surgery. He’s got a broken leg, fractured rib and a concussion.” Juha noticed that Jarmo *had* startled. That *had* to mean that in some small way, that his older brother cared. “We can visit him tomorrow at noon. I’m going to see him no matter what. Are you coming along?”

Jarmo bowed his head, frowned, and thought everything over. His father had never been in hospital before. As far as he could think back, Niklas had never been seriously ill to begin with, so this was something he had never thought would happen.

“I don’t have any right to tell you what to do,” Chris said, getting involved. “But believe me; life can be over like that!” He snapped his fingers. “I learned that lesson when they found Juha’s brain tumor. You can hold onto your anger, and yes, you have every reason to be angry, but at the same time, you need to realize that you might never get the chance to talk to your father if you remain so stubborn. Niklas could have died in that crash and then you would have this loose end in your life.”

“That’s true, of course,” Jarmo said, raising his gaze. “But…”

“He knows that he was wrong, Jarmo, and he’s willing to apologize,” Juha said, trying to convince his brother to give their father a second chance. “He cried when I showed him the photo album which you made me. He knows he’s missing out on being a part of your family. He’s lonely.” Juha briefly left Chris’ side and sat down next to his brother. “I know he deserves to be punished for what he did to us, but we need to let go of the past. We can’t live in it. It’s not healthy. Please come to the hospital with me tomorrow. He’s willing to make the first step, but can only do so if you give him a chance.”

But the question was did Jarmo want to give Niklas a second chance?

~~~

Leea and Helena returned home ten minutes to twelve. The two of them were excited, and while Leea turned toward her husband for a kiss, Helena ran over to Chris and climbed onto his lap to hug him.

“Jarmo?” Leea cocked her head, having noticed that something was different about her husband. “Is the baby all right?”

Jarmo nodded. “He’s been asleep all evening. He probably wore himself down last night.”

“Then what’s on your mind? Talk to me! You’re worried!” She placed her hands on either side of her husband’s head and looked him in the eye. “You know the deal we made when we got married. No secrets! No holding back!”

“It’s my father. He had an accident and is in hospital. Juha asked me to accompany him when he visits our father tomorrow. I’m undecided.”

“How serious is it?”

“Nothing life-threatening, but he broke his leg and a rib. He’s also concussed.”

Leea caressed her husband’s face and smiled reassuringly. “Go see him tomorrow. Life’s too short to hold onto anger.”

“Pappa! We must start counting down!” Helena ran through the living room and almost crashed into her father since she had been moving too fast to coordinate her movement properly.

Jarmo didn’t feel like counting down and celebrating and a look at Juha told him that his younger brother felt the same way. But Juha didn’t want to disappoint Helena and had agreed to count down with her. Jarmo picked up his daughter and settled her on his arm. “Let’s start the countdown then.”

Juha curled his fingers tightly around those of Chris. He wasn’t in the mood either to party, but for Helena’s sake, he smiled and winked at her.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four…” Helena counted along on her fingers and smiled radiantly at her father. “Three, two…one!” She wrapped her arms around her father’s neck and gave him a kiss. “Happy New Year, pappa!” She started to move about, wanting to kiss her mother too and Jarmo quickly handed her to Leea, who got another, big, sloppy kiss.

“Let’s go give the baby a kiss too,” Leea suggested, knowing Helena would be eager to do so. It would also give Jarmo and Juha a chance to talk some more. She settled Helena on her hip and went upstairs.

Jarmo went into the kitchen, poured the champagne he had put cold into their glasses, and carried them into the living room. He handed them Chris and Juha and they toasted, although no one was in the mood for it. “Give me a night to sleep on it, Juha.”

Juha nodded. “I don’t want to pressure you.”

Jarmo appreciated that, but he also knew that he wouldn’t get much sleep that night and that had nothing to do with the fireworks in the midnight sky. The decision he had to make that night wouldn’t be easy on him.

~~~~

Leea cuddled up to her husband and stroked his hair. Looking him in eye, she could tell that he was restless and worried. Jarmo wouldn’t stay in bed for long that night and would end up pacing the living room. He had developed that habit through the years and she let him, not trying to hold him in bed when he felt like that. “You have to do what feels right to you.”

“I know that, but what’s the right thing to do? You made a valid point when you said that life is short and yes, my father can drop dead any moment. The question is, should I talk to him or not? Even after all these years, I’m furious with him… But I can’t live in the past. I have to move on.”

“In your heart you know what to do, Jarmo, and I trust you to act on your feelings instead of with your head. We’ve been through this many times, sweetheart. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Don’t push it away.” She stroked his brow and placed a kiss on his lips.

Jarmo pulled her close and held her tight until his wife was asleep. After pressing a kiss onto her hair, he left the bed and tucked her in. Jarmo went downstairs and made himself some herbal tea, which normally was Leea’s favorite drink, but at times like this, it helped soothe his nerves.

He paced for almost two hours and during that whole time, the same thoughts kept racing in his head. Did he want to talk to his father? Did he want his children to know their grandfather? How would he react when being confronted with his father? Would he be able to control his anger? What would he gain by facing Niklas? Which dangers were involved?

In the end, he had to sit down because he felt dizzy. He knew what Leea would tell him – namely that there was only one way to find out what he really wanted and needed. He had to face his father. He realized that now. He couldn’t run away from the past any longer. It had finally caught up with him!

~~~

Leea sat down next to her husband at the kitchen table. Jarmo looked tired and it was obvious that he hadn’t gotten any sleep last night. “Did you make up your mind?”

Jarmo nodded. “I might be making the worst mistake of my life.”

“As long as you follow your heart it’ll be okay.” She patted his hand. “You’re going to see your father, aren’t you?”

“I don’t feel I have a choice. I ran away from my past for so long that… I need to make a stand and find out what I want from him.”

“You made the right decision,” Leea reassured him. “You need to move forward and you can’t do that as long as you’re stuck in the past. Are you going to call Juha and tell him?”

“I will… In a bit. First I need some coffee to clear my head.” He twined their fingers and gave his wife a loving look. “Thank you for kicking my ass.”

Leea smiled and gave him a kiss on the lips. “You’re welcome, dear.”

~~~

Juha put down the phone and smiled in spite of the dire situation his father was in.

Chris noticed it and asked, “What’s making you smile like that?”

“Jarmo called. He has decided to tag along to the hospital today. I’ll pick him up and then we’ll go there together. That’s great! I had hoped he would reach that decision, but wasn’t sure Jarmo was ready yet to take that step!”

Chris nodded. “That’s a brave thing for him to do, considering he’s still angry with your father and rightly so!”

Juha knew he had let his father off easy for the things he had done in the past. Mikko, Chris, and Jarmo held grudges better than him. He just wanted to get along with everyone and especially his father, as he had missed out on having a dedicated father for so long.

“Do you want me to accompany the two of you? Because if not, I’ll go over to Jonne’s and Jack’s place to make up for leaving so unexpectedly last night.” Although their friends had understood why they’d had to leave, they had still been disappointed.

“That’s fine with me. I don’t want my father to feel crowded at any rate. As far as I know it’s his first stay at a hospital and having to stay will be hard on him. Jarmo showing up like that will also overwhelm him.”

“I’ll make sure to be back for dinner. I made you a promise…” Chris gave Juha a longing look. Juha had been right the other day: it had been too long since they had spent some quality time together. When had been the last time that they had made love?

Juha purred and leaned in closer to press a kiss onto Chris’ lips, hoping he would have enough energy left that evening for some tender lovemaking. Visiting his father and making sure the situation didn’t escalate would be hard enough. “I love you,” he said and deepened the kiss until Chris’ tongue finally accepted the invitation to invade his mouth and engage in a sensual duel. Sighing contently, he placed his hand at the nape of Chris’ neck and caressed the skin there.

“Love you too, baby… Good luck with reuniting Jarmo and your father. I hope it’ll work.”

“So do I, Chris.”

~~~

Jarmo quickly got into the car, and although he had only been out in the cold for seconds, it felt like the chill had seeped into his bones. It wasn’t the cold though that made him shiver – not exactly. It was the prospect of confronting his father after ten long years.

In the car played Black Sabbath and that music suited his mood. Jarmo glanced at Juha sideways and noticed the worried expression on his younger brother’s face. “Don’t worry. I’ll leave him in one piece!”

Juha smiled weakly. “I’m sure you will. I’m just worried about the visit. Our father doesn’t know that you’re tagging along and I don’t know how he’ll react to seeing you unexpectedly. He probably already hates the fact that he’s stuck in a hospital and confided to a bed.”

“Maybe he’ll get a better grasp of what you went through when you were in hospital.”

Juha shivered. “Trust me, I don’t want anyone having to go through the things I did.”

“That was thoughtless of me. No one deserves that...”

Juha nodded again. “So what are you going to say when you’ll see him? Got any ideas?”

“I think I’ll let him do the talking. I don’t have that much to say to him – nothing friendly at any rate.” If it were up to him he would probably end up yelling at their father and reminding him of how he had ruined his life and sabotaged Juha’s recovery!

~~~

They arrived at the hospital at ten to one – ten minutes before visiting hours started. They made their way to the reception area and asked for their father’s room number, which they promptly received, along with a warning.

“Your father had surgery this morning. We had to correct his leg. He might still be a bit drowsy from the anesthesia and painkillers he is on. Please don’t visit too long and don’t get him excited. He needs rest,” the nurse said.

“We’ll keep that in mind!” Juha said and gave Jarmo a meaningful look.

Jarmo nodded reluctantly: he would try to behave.

The nurse escorted them to their father’s room and opened the door. “Please don’t stay longer than thirty minutes. He needs his rest,” she said and returned to her station.

Niklas, although feeling rather fatigued, had heard their voices, and turned his head to take in his visitors. He noticed Juha and a smile stole onto his face. He had hoped his youngest son would visit and Juha had! “Hei,” he whispered and raised a shaky arm to wave at his son. “It’s good to see you.” He knew he presented a pitiful sight with his leg in traction, bandages wrapped around his chest, and even more of them around his head. The car crash had done a lot of damage, even in spite of the airbag.

Juha moved over to the bed, pulled up a chair, and sat down, carefully gathering his father’s right hand in his. “What were you doing out on the road in that blizzard?”

“It wasn’t so bad… The storm had calmed down… But there was some ice beneath the snow. The car is thrashed though…” Niklas rubbed Juha’s fingers and sighed contently. “It’s good, having you here.”

Jarmo had watched the scene from the doorway and yet had to reveal himself to his father who only had eyes for Juha. He had never seen their father touch so easy, or express his feelings in such a way. Niklas had always been cold and distant and to see his father like this was a shock.

“Are you in any pain? How did surgery go? What’s wrong with your leg?” Juha asked.

Niklas smiled tiredly. “No pain, thanks to this,” he said and inclined his head in the direction of the IV he was hooked up to. “I believe surgery went well…and my leg’s broken at two places. That’s why they put me in traction… Or something like that. I didn’t pay attention all the time.” He had felt sleepy due to the medication they had given him. “Thanks for visiting, Juha. It’s rather lonely here. The nurses are friendly, but…” He shrugged helplessly. Niklas sighed deeply and gave Juha an apologetic look. “I had no idea what’s like – being in hospital. Sorry for abandoning you back then.”

Jarmo briefly closed his eyes. He had never thought his father would apologize to anyone! Least of all to Juha! He opened his eyes again and wondered what to do. So far Niklas hadn’t seen him.

Juha decided that it was time they moved on. He squeezed his father’s hand and said, “I didn’t come along. I brought someone with me.” He inclined his head toward the doorway and Niklas followed the direction of his stare. His father’s hand suddenly started to tremble and Juha hoped that Niklas wouldn’t become overly excited, knowing that was a bad thing in his current condition. “Jarmo’s here too.”

Niklas recognized his oldest son instantly. Jarmo hadn’t changed at all. To see Jarmo standing there, with his arms crossed in front of his chest and with such a predatory look on his face, made him nervous. He didn’t feel quite himself at the moment because of the medication and he felt weak and helpless. He wasn’t sure he had the energy for this confrontation because the feral expression in Jarmo’s eyes told him that his oldest son wouldn’t forgive him as easily as Juha had.

TBC

Part 6

Niklas cursed the fact that he wasn’t as clear-headed as he normally was. The medication made him feel dizzy and for some reason he was more emotional than normally. “Jarmo…” Whispering his son’s name felt alien to his lips and he blinked, wondering if Jarmo would be gone the moment he opened his eyes again.

Juha gave his older brother an encouraging and hopeful look. He raised his arm and gestured for Jarmo to approach, hoping his brother would give their father a second chance.

Jarmo drew in a deep breath and approached the bed. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say or do, as his father’s current condition unnerved him. He simply wasn’t used to seeing Niklas in a vulnerable position. “Hei,” he said eventually as he came to a halt some feet away from the bed.

Juha felt a bit lost too, but in a good way. The fact that the two of them weren’t yelling at each other was encouraging. He looked at his father and saw a confused, almost panicking expression in the eyes. His gaze shifted from Niklas’ face to the IV bag his father was hooked up and realized why this was so difficult for the older man.

Jarmo had followed the direction of Juha’s stare and had realized the same thing. He didn’t want Niklas to get off easy though.

“Jarmo…” Niklas weakly raised an arm and reached for his oldest son. Jarmo however didn’t move and Niklas rested the limb back on the bed. “I…I’m sorry,” he whispered, unable to meet his oldest son’s gaze. “More sorry than you’ll ever know – or believe.” Apologizing to Jarmo wasn’t hard at all. He just hated his inability to focus for a longer period of time. He felt odd and had to close his eyes. Damn it! He wasn’t going to fall asleep now! Not when Jarmo was finally standing in front of him!

Juha however realized that everything was too much for their father and rubbed his fingers soothingly. “If you’re tired, go to sleep. They’re probably feeding you something to kill the pain.” This wasn’t the best moment to discuss the past.

Fortunately, Jarmo understood that too. Although he was still furious with their father, he was also relieved that he had decided to visit. He had no intention of forgiving Niklas for what his father had done back then, but maybe there was a chance that his father could somehow make amends. Seeing Niklas confined to his sick bed had made Jarmo think everything over. Juha and Leea were right – he wouldn’t gain anything by clinging to the past – his anger and hurt. He didn’t have to deny those feelings though. He still felt their sting, but at the same time, he was willing to give Niklas a second chance – for Juha’s sake and that of his children’s. “Juha’s right. Get some sleep.”

Niklas’ hand twitched inside Juha’s at hearing Jarmo’s words and he closed his eyes, grateful that they understood. “Don’t…deserve…that,” he whispered tiredly. He was close to falling asleep again, but he didn’t want that, because then Jarmo would leave and he might never get a chance like this again! He forced his eyes open and tried – unsuccessfully – to focus on Jarmo. “Want to say…so much!”

Jarmo exchanged a look with Juha. It was impossible to be angry with Niklas the way their father was at the moment. “I’ll visit when you’re feeling better. We’ll talk then.”

Niklas moved his head a bit. He had meant to nod, but such a movement demanded too much energy. “Please… want…a…chance…”

Jarmo let the breath out which he had been holding. “You’ll get your chance…when you’re feeling better.”

Niklas fought his fatigue a few seconds longer, but then had to give in. His eyes closed and he fell asleep with his fingers tightly locked inside Juha’s hand.

Juha gave his older brother a grateful look. “You did the right thing.”

Jarmo shrugged. “I hope so.”

~~~

Leea hat waited for her husband to get home. She sat at the kitchen table and was nursing her favorite tea. Helena was in the living room, playing with her Barbie dolls and little Juha had been sound asleep the last time she had checked on him. Jarmo entered the kitchen, and as the look on his face didn’t tell her much, she patted the seat of the chair standing next to hers. “Do you want some tea too? It’ll help settle your nerves.”

Jarmo accepted the drink and sipped his tea. “I’ve never seen him like that before. He was doped to the gills and his leg was in this traction…thing.” Jarmo frowned. “He actually apologized and didn’t want me to leave. I think he was afraid he might not see me around again.”

Leea curled her fingers around her husband’s. Jarmo hadn’t always shared everything so openly with her. It had taken her months to gain his trust, but once she had, Jarmo had opened up to her. It had made their relationship so much stronger! “You did the right thing then? By visiting him and giving him a second chance?”

“I hate admitting it, but yes.”

“It’s always easier to hate than to make things work,” she offered. “Are you going to visit again?”

“Juha wants to go there tomorrow, but I don’t think I’ll accompany him. I need some time to digest everything that happened today.”

“Then take that time,” she said and squeezed his fingers. “It would be nice if the children knew your father. He *is* their grandfather after all.”

Jarmo knew that too, but he needed time. He had to figure out what to do next.

~~~

Chris volunteered to accompany Juha the next day when they went to visit Niklas. He had noticed that Juha felt down because Jarmo wouldn’t tag along and hoped the matter would be solved quickly as he hated seeing Juha depressed. “I’m sure Jarmo will turn around eventually. Give him time.” That was easier said than done though and Chris knew it.

Juha forced himself to smile upon entering Niklas’ room. His father was awake and seemed more alert than yesterday. “Hei!” Juha placed the fruit basket he had brought along onto the nightstand and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Juha!” Niklas smiled fondly at his son. “And Chris…” It was good to see them both. It always warmed his heart to see them together. He had seldom seen a love as strong as theirs. It showed in their eyes how much they cared for each other. With Chris, his son was in the best hands! “It’s nice of you to visit again.”

“I know it gets lonely when you’re stuck inside all the time.” Juha noticed the changing expression in his father’s eyes and interpret it correctly. “I forgave you for not coming to visit back then. I don’t hold that against you – not anymore.”

“You’re too good for me, Juha. I really don’t deserve your leniency.”

Juha squeezed his father’s fingers. “What’s the use in holding on to anger and pain? None!”

“You’re right…” Niklas said and sighed.

“So, do you have any idea when they’ll let you out?” Chris asked.

Niklas carefully shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll be in this traction device for at least one more week, so I doubt they’ll let me go before that.”

“You’ll need help once you’re released. That cast will stay for several weeks!” Juha was already thinking ahead.

“I’ll get a nurse, or someone to look after me during the day.” Niklas shrugged again. “I’ll manage. I always do!”

Chris noticed the look Juha was giving him and had no trouble reading his lover’s mind. “Sure, go ahead. Why not?”

“I love you,” Juha said and gave Chris a loving smile. Turning toward his father, he said, “We got a guestroom and we would love to have you. One of us is at home most of the time, so you wouldn’t have to get a nurse.” The shocked look which his father gave him came as a surprise. “You don’t like the idea?”

Niklas drew in a deep breath. He had never expected Juha to offer something like that or for Chris to go along with it.”I couldn’t accept that! I’d be a burden and hamper your daily life!”

“As I said, we’d love to have you.” Juha smiled and nodded. “We’re serious.”

A lump of emotions built in Niklas’ throat, recalling how easily he had moved Juha to that sanatorium when he should have been looking after his son instead. “You’re a much better person than me,” he whispered eventually.

Juha however shook his head. “You’ve changed too. You don’t need to decide right now. Think it over and please know that it’s truth – we’d love to have you.”

Niklas managed to nod, but his throat was dry and his mouth too. He knew he had Mikko to thank for the fact that Juha hadn’t turned bitter. Mikko had supported Juha during his recovery and because of that support Juha had become the fine man he was today. “I love you, son,” Niklas managed in a shaky voice.

Juha gave his father a blinding smile at hearing that and he leaned in closer to hug his father carefully. “I love you too, pappa.”

~~~

Juha gave Jarmo a smile and took his older brother’s hand in his. “It’s good to see you again – here.” This time they had met at the hospital and they would visit their father in a moment. “He was disappointed that you weren’t there yesterday. You might not believe it, but he cares and your visit had a great impact on him.”

Jarmo nodded. “I needed time to sort everything out. I’m not used to seeing him that way – vulnerable and weak. It’s hard to reconcile that image with that of the man who threw me out ten years ago. “

“We have changed, Jarmo. All three of us have. It’s time to start all over again, I really believe that.”

Jarmo knew Juha was right, but he wasn’t sure they could start anew as easy as that.

~~~

Niklas felt restless now that Jarmo was in the room as well. His doctor had cut down on his medication, and as a result, he was much more clear-headed than the first time Jarmo had visited. While Juha was seated on the bed, Jarmo had opted for standing near the doorway. Until that moment, Juha had supplied them with chitchat, making sure there were no awkward silences, but Niklas knew he couldn’t postpone their conversation indefinitely. “Juha, we need to talk… Jarmo and I…” he said and squeezed his son’s fingers gently. “We can’t pretend that everything is fine.”

Juha reluctantly nodded. “Just don’t bash each other’s heads in. Want me to leave?”

“No! You’re a part of this as well!” Niklas shook his head determinedly and then looked at Jarmo. “Jarmo, I wronged you. I had no right to drive you away the way I did. What I did is unforgivable and I know that. I made a huge mistake.”

Jarmo nodded. “I could deal with the fact that you wanted me gone. Looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I met Leea because I had to leave. The one thing I’m still furious about is the way you stopped me from supporting Juha!” Suddenly his anger returned. It had never really been gone but had simmered just below the surface. “He needed me back then! We had just begun to bond like brothers and then you sabotaged me in such a way! You made sure that neither my cards nor calls reached him! You let him think that I didn’t care anymore!” Jarmo’s voice swelled in intensity and his eyes blazed with fury. “If I hadn’t made that deal with you back then, Juha might have been stuck in that sanitarium for months and who knows if he had ever found his way in life! I can’t thank Mikko enough for what he did!”

Niklas had repeatedly flinched beneath Jarmo’s onslaught of words, but he knew he’d had it coming for a long time and in a way, he was happy that Jarmo was letting it out. “That was wrong of me. I know that now. But back then I wasn’t thinking rationally. I’m sorry I did that.” There was nothing else, nothing more he could do than accept the blame and apologize.

“I know that you’re sorry. I’ve forgiven you,” Juha said, wanting to lift his father’s spirits a bit.

“You’re sweet, Juha. That’s nice of you, but Jarmo is right. I deserve this.”

Jarmo had grown quiet now that his anger had been allowed a way out. “I can’t forgive you like that. Juha lets you off the hook too easily!”

Juha rose from the bed and walked over to his brother. “Jarmo, it’s no matter of letting him off the hook too easily. There’s simply no use in hanging onto anger. He knows that what he did was wrong and he regrets it. He apologized for it, and I’m sure that he’ll never make such a mistake again. Everyone deserves a second chance and he *is* our father. We had good times as well when we were little.” Juha knew it was Jarmo’s decision in the end: he could merely try to make his point.

Jarmo sighed and wanted to turn away, but Juha took hold of his hands and held them tightly. “What do you want me to say? That everything is all right and we can play family again?” Jarmo asked in a bitter voice.

Juha shook his head. “I don’t want us to ‘play’ family. I want us to *be* a family. You should know the difference, Jarmo, especially since you have one these days. Your family works the way it should! You broke the cycle. Our father can learn from you… And even I can.”

Jarmo shook his head in exasperation. “You don’t really fight fair, do you?”

“I plead guilty,” Juha said and blushed. “Chris says the same thing all the time.”

Jarmo considered everything and took a moment to make up his mind. Juha was right: he had a chance to expand his family and the way Niklas was now, Jarmo didn’t think his father presented a danger to his offspring. But reaching out and making peace was hard – so damn hard.

“I understand that it takes time,” Niklas said after having watched their exchange. “And I don’t expect you to welcome me with open arms, but I would like to be a part of it – in whatever small way you can live with. I would like to meet my grandchildren one day. All I have seen so far are pictures. I never expected Juha to forgive me, but he did, and I’m grateful that Chris and he allowed me into their lives.”

His father didn’t fight fair either, Jarmo thought, but he understood why Niklas was doing it. “I’ll give you a chance,” he said eventually. “But if you fuck up, you’re out. Then I don’t want to see you ever again and my family will be off limits. I don’t want my children to go through the things Juha and I did when we were younger. No games, no manipulation, and no lies!”

“I promise. I won’t do anything to hurt your family – or you and Juha. I have changed. It might be hard to believe, but I did – thanks to therapy.”

Juha frowned. “How did you end up in therapy anyway?”

“Do you remember that foolish call I made when you were staying with Mikko?” After Juha had nodded, Niklas added, “He told me that I needed therapy. That made me think and eventually I made an appointment.”

Jarmo remained near the doorway. He still wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea that Niklas no longer presented a threat. Accepting that their father had changed would take time.

“Did you make up your mind about staying with us during your recovery? Our offer still stands.” Juha hoped his father would accept, as it gave them a chance to grow closer again.

Niklas seemed uncertain all of a sudden. “I don’t think I should. Chris and you got your own lives and I would intrude. The cast around my leg will have to stay for at least five more weeks and I would be immobile.”

Jarmo wanted to say ‘yeah, having to accept someone’s help sucks, doesn’t it?’ but he didn’t. They had just started to make progress and it wasn’t up to him to teach his father a lesson. His method would be hard and unnecessarily cruel because he was still furious with his father. Juha’s way would be better.

“I know you never had to depend on anyone in your life,” Juha said as he returned to the bed. “And it might take time getting used to, but being on your own with only a nurse there to help you isn’t the right way either. We want to be a family, don’t we? A family cares for its own. We help each other out.”

Niklas swallowed hard. If only he had understood that ten long years ago. “You’re right,” he whispered in an emotional voice.

“Then come live with us for the next few weeks. You might even find you like having us around.” Juha smiled winningly at his father. “Jarmo might also be more inclined to have his family visit you at my place instead of the hospital. Children don’t like hospitals.”

Jarmo couldn’t help it: he laughed. “You really don’t fight fair!”

Juha blushed and smiled seemingly innocent at his older brother. “Neither does Chris… I learned from the best.”

Somehow Jarmo had trouble picturing Chris pulling stunts on Juha. He had the feeling it would be the other way around, but who was he to meddle? “Juha’s right. I might even bring the kids along when I visit.”

Niklas knew there was only one choice for him – one decision to make. He reached for Juha’s hand, curled his fingers around his son’s, and said, “If you really want me there, I accept.”

Juha gave his father a blinding smile and nodded eagerly. “I do. Thanks for giving us this chance…” He really thought they had a chance to make this work.

~~~

“Do you think it looks okay?” Juha fussed over the comforter and tried to pull it even straighter. He had readied the guestroom for his father, whom they would pick up at the hospital in an hour.

“It’s fine. Relax.” Chris pulled his lover into his arms and pressed kisses at the nape of Juha’s neck. Those touches made Juha moan and Chris wished they had the time to make love, but he also knew that Juha was too preoccupied to let go. The fact that Niklas was going to stay with them for some weeks had really riled Juha up. “Everything will be fine.”

Juha nodded, but he still worried. “What if he doesn’t feel comfortable here?” He looked about the room, trying to find out if something was wrong with it.

“Everything’s perfect. He’ll be spending most of his time in bed and on the couch downstairs – both are comfortable, so stop stressing yourself out.”

Juha nibbled on his bottom lip. “I don’t want to fuck this up, Chris. This might be the chance I’ve been waiting for. I want us to be a family. I want Jarmo and our father to get along.”

Chris buried Juha in an embrace and pressed a kiss onto the redhead’s forehead. “That’s something the two of them will have to work on. You did everything you could. Don’t try to force them to get along. Give them time and space.”

“I’ll try! But this is hard on me!” Juha rested his head against Chris’ shoulder and completed the embrace. “Thanks for keeping my feet firmly rooted in the ground… I need that.”

Chris chuckled and stroked the long, red hair. “We should get moving if we want to get some groceries too.”

Juha nodded and followed Chris out of the room, looking over his shoulder and hoping his father would be comfortable here.

~~~

Niklas remained rather quiet during the ride over to Juha’s place. He still hard a hard time accepting he needed help and having to lean on Chris or his son made him feel uncomfortable. He hated being weak, but he also realized there was a valuable lesson to be learned.

He cooperated the best way he could when they helped him inside the house and settled him on the couch in the living room as he had asked them not to put him to bed yet. He wanted to be part of their life and experience and learn as much as he could. He would have to adapt and adjust to their routine, but he didn’t mind. It just scared him that he might make mistakes or do or say something to upset them.

Juha sat down on the couch opposite his father and handed him a cup of tea, since Niklas’ physician had told him to cut down on the caffeine. “I hope you don’t mind, but I invited Mikko and Antti over for dinner.”

Niklas forced himself to swallow the tea and considered the news. Mikko and he had made their peace in a way, but things were still awkward between them. He figured that was exactly the reason why Juha had invited them over.

Explaining, Juha added, “You said you wanted to be part of a family and Mikko *is* family. He’s like a brother to me. He’s the brother Jarmo could have been ten years ago if you had let him. Mikko is an important part of my life and I want the two of you to get along.” He smiled, but there was a hint of insecurity behind it. “Why don’t you think of it as gaining another son?”

“Mikko?” Niklas eyed Juha questioningly.

“Yes, Mikko. The things he did for me… He was always there for me – he still is.”

Niklas drew in a deep breath and stared at the surface of his tea. He knew that it was true – Mikko had saved Juha in more ways than one. “I’ll do my best.”

~~~

“Believe me, I’m not thrilled either!” Mikko had accepted his fate though and had agreed to have dinner with Juha’s father. “Juha’s trying to get the family together again and I hope it’ll work. Family *is* important to him and he had to do without one for a long time.” Mikko knew only too well that he had been Juha’s sole ‘family’ for a long time. “I want to get along for his sake so try to behave!”

Antti nodded. “I’ll try.”

Mikko rang the doorbell and Juha was at the door almost instantly, opening it and pulling them inside. A second later he was buried into a tight hug and Juha even kissed him on the lips. “Hey, you’re excited!”

Juha blushed and gave Antti an apologetic look. He hadn’t wanted to kiss Mikko on the lips: it had just happened. “I want this to work!”

Antti smiled to show that he was okay with the kiss, knowing that he had no reason to feel jealous. What connected Juha and Mikko wasn’t sexual.

Juha took their coats and guided them into the living room where he had already set the table. Niklas was on the couch with his legs up and resting. The journey home had tired him. “I need to check on Chris in the kitchen. I don’t want to have to order take out because he ruined the sauce!”

Mikko nodded and watched Juha rush into the kitchen. Then he realized Antti and he were alone with Niklas, who had just opened his eyes. Looking at the older man, Mikko saw the change in Niklas’ eyes. “You should be more careful on the road,” he said, making sure it sounded friendly.

Niklas sighed. “I didn’t know there was ice beneath the snow.”

Mikko seated himself on the opposite couch and pulled Antti down with him. “So how long are you stuck like that?”

“A couple of weeks – four or five. I already spent one at the hospital. I never expected Juha to ask me to stay with them.”

“And yet you accepted,” Mikko said thoughtfully.

Niklas nodded. “I realize the chance he’s offering me. I can get to know him better and Chris too. Maybe even you and your boyfriend. I want this to work. I don’t want to go back to how things were in the past.”

Mikko nodded approvingly. “It’s the only way if you want to make changes.”

“I want that… I want things to change. I want a life – and most importantly, I want my family back.”

~~~

Dinner turned out to be a calm and comfortable affair. Chris hadn’t ruined the tomato sauce and the pasta tasted good. Juha regretted having to say goodbye to Mikko and Antti, but it was already past midnight and the roads still hazardous. He didn’t want them to end up like his father – and they had predicted snowfall during the night. It was better that Mikko and Antti left now while the roads were still free of snow.

“I’ll call you and we’ll get together again,” Mikko said as he embraced Juha. “For what it’s worth – I believe your father has changed and wants to make this work! I hope everything will be fine.”

“So do I,” Juha whispered into Mikko’s hair and released his friend. He went back into Chris’ arms and waved goodbye at Mikko and Antti before going back inside again and closing the door behind them.

~~~

“Aren’t you moving too fast?” Chris asked as he learned that Juha had invited Jarmo and his family over for dinner that evening. Mikko and Antti had visited only yesterday and everything might be a bit too much for Niklas who was in emotional turmoil to begin with.

Juha however shook his head. “Chris, I need to do this now and I need to be quick. At the moment, I can reach my father – he’s open for contact and if I don’t push him, he might get cold feet and bail out. I can’t give him that chance.”

Chris pulled his lover in his arms and spooned behind him. It was still early on a Sunday morning and there was no reason for them to get up yet. Although Chris had band rehearsal that day they wouldn’t get together until one in the afternoon and that meant he had plenty of time to kiss and grope Juha, who had startle to chuckle beneath his groping. Juha managed to turn in the embrace so they were facing each other.

“I trust you in this matter. You know your father best.” Chris stroked the red hair and gave Juha a fond look. “I really, really love you,” he whispered and pressed a kiss onto the redhead’s lips. “I hope things will go the way you want them.”

“So do I, Chris.” Juha pressed close against his lover, soaking up Chris’ body warmth and the other man’s love for him.

~~~

Leea patted her husband’s shoulder. “Calm down, dear. You *know* you’re doing the right thing!” Jarmo had just rung the doorbell and they were waiting for someone to answer it. Little Juha was tightly cradled in her arms and Helena was in Jarmo’s, having wrapped her arms around her father’s neck. Although Leea was trying to act calm and in control for her husband’s sake, she was nervous too. She had only heard stories about Niklas and what she had heard made her anxious. She hoped the older man had really changed – for Jarmo’s sake.

“Why isn’t anyone opening the door?” Helena asked and pouted. It was cold and she was eager to meet more family. Apparently she was about to meet her grandfather! She already had grandparents of course, and they spoiled her rotten, and she hoped this grandfather would do the same thing!

“You’re an impatient little thing,” Jarmo said and smiled at his daughter. He really loved Leea, Helena, and Juha and would never allow anyone – and certainly not Niklas -- to hurt them.

Chris opened the door and grinned at them. “Come inside! It’s freezing cold out there! Hei, princess, you look lovely today. Nice pink scarf!”

Helena giggled and reached for him, wanting to move from her father’s arms into Chris.

It took Chris a moment to catch on what she wanted, but then he opened his arms for her. Feeling her wrap her arms around his neck and then the tiny body cradled against his made him nervous, as he was afraid he might drop her accidentally.

Jarmo grinned at seeing Chris’ nervousness. Although Chris was obviously not used to having children around, he really handled Helena well. Jarmo and Leea stepped inside and Jarmo closed the door behind them before helping his wife out of her coat. Once he had done away with his as well, he turned to Helena. “You’ll be hot wearing that inside.”

Helena didn’t want to let go of Chris, but had to when the guitarist placed her on the floor. She quickly removed her coat and returned to her uncle’s side, quickly taking possession of his right hand.

Chris wasn’t sure how to react to Helena’s apparent fondness, but in the end, he simply accepted she liked him. “Juha’s in the kitchen preparing dinner and Niklas is in the living room, resting. He doesn’t let it show, but he’s in pain. It’s the cracked rib, I think.”

Jarmo nodded, took Lea’s hand in his, and they made their way into the living room where they found Niklas on the couch, resting, just like Chris had said.

Niklas coughed in order to cover up his nervousness and managed a weak smile. This was hard. Jarmo had barely forgiven him and now Juha had arranged for this visit, which was much too quick in his opinion. “Hello there,” he said and then his gaze dropped to Helena – his granddaughter who had been named after his deceased wife.

Helena’s eyes went big. “You don’t look like my other grandfather! Why is your leg in that thing?” She let go of Chris’ hand and made her way over to the couch, where she came to a halt in front of Niklas. Carefully, she knocked on the cast and was surprised to find it hard. “What’s that?”

Jarmo moved forward and wanted to pick her up, not wanting Helena to bother his father as he didn’t know how he would react, but then Niklas shook his head an raised a hand.

“It’s okay. Let her. She’s just curious. It’s a cast, Helena. I broke my leg.” Saying her name was easier than he had thought. It was a reassuring thought that his wife’s memory lived on in his granddaughter. “I had an accident.”

“Are you hurt?” Her eyes widened.

“I was, but I’m already getting better.” Suddenly Helena flung herself at him and hugged him awkwardly. Niklas was taken by surprise, but wrapped an arm around the little girl. “Hey, I’ll be fine in a few weeks.”

Helena turned around and addressed her parents. “Can you make him better?” She had hurt her ankle once and her mother had had to bandage it, so she knew what it was like to be in pain.

“It needs time to heal,” Leea said and smiled reassuringly at her daughter, who had unwillingly, but cunningly, crossed the distance between Niklas and them. “I’m Leea,” she said, as she walked toward Jarmo’s father.

Niklas nodded. “I have seen your picture in the photo album Jarmo made Juha.” Feeling shy and nervous, he wondered what to do next. Jarmo wasn’t really taking part in the exchange and neither was Chris, who had vanished into the kitchen. Why couldn’t Juha show up and help him out?

He didn’t know that Juha was watching them. The redhead had pushed the door slightly ajar and was holding his breath, hoping everything would work out in the end. This was up to his father and Jarmo. He trembled in Chris’ arms, who had wrapped him up in an embrace from behind. He wanted to give Niklas and Jarmo this chance to sort everything out themselves.

Niklas’ gaze shifted from Leea’s face to the baby in her arms. “My grandson,” he whispered and his throat grew tight with emotion.

Leea nodded and made her decision that instant. “Would you like holding him?” At least she wouldn’t have to show him how to hold the baby – Niklas had children himself and experience.

“If I may…” Niklas swallowed hard when she put the tiny baby into his arms. Juha was awake and tried to take in his surroundings. “Hello little one. I’m your grandfather…” Unable to keep his emotions under control, tears glided down his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he told Leea, as he felt embarrassed, but she merely smiled reassuringly at him.

“Jarmo cried too,” she merely said and continued to smile.

At the same time, Helena, feeling neglected and wanted to comfort her new grandfather, climbed onto the couch and patted his face with her hands. “Are those happy tears?”

Niklas nodded and managed a smile. “Yes, they are…” He was happy now that he had finally met his grand children. “Seeing the two of you makes me very happy.” Helena’s smile almost blinded him and he nodded his head, regretting that he didn’t have a hand free to pat her head.

Jarmo had watched the exchange and realized it was useless to remain angry with his father. Oh, it would take a long time before he would forgive Niklas for what he had done, but maybe, he could let the anger and memory fade in time. He doubted he would ever forget it completely though.

Juha judged the time right to join them and stepped out of the kitchen, pulling Chris along with him. “I see you’ve met and are getting along!” He leaned against the back of the couch and smiled at the baby, who had raised an arm and was trying to reach for something. He offered the baby his thumb and the little one promptly wrapped his fingers around it.

“Uncle Chris, I have another grandfather now!” Helena ran toward the guitarist and settled for hugging his leg as she couldn’t reach higher. Luckily for her, Chris lifted her and settled her on his hip. “I love you too!” she suddenly said and kissed Chris on his cheek. “I love getting more uncles and grandfathers!”

Chris giggled and held her tightly. Looking about, he realized the mood was relaxed and even Jarmo no longer seemed on edge. His gaze fastened on Niklas, who was still holding the baby in his arms and smiling happily. Little Juha was pulling at his lover’s hand and the redhead smiled at the baby. Not in his wildest dreams had Chris imagined he would end up being part of such a large family, but now that it had happened, he felt honored to be a part of it.

Leea walked up to her husband and curled an arm around his waist. She leaned into him and rested her head against his chest and sighed happily. Meeting Niklas had gone better than she had dared hope, but did her husband feel the same way? She raised her head and locked eyes with him. “Was it the right thing to do?”

Jarmo completed the embrace by wrapping an arm around her shoulder and nodded. “Yes, it was.” The look Niklas had in his eyes that very moment was one Jarmo had never seen before. It showed relief and gratitude, but most of all it expressed love… Love for his family. They had been reunited at long last and Jarmo would give it a chance for he wanted this as much as Juha did. It had just taken him longer to realize.

Juha was happy – truly happy – and he was glad he had taken the risk of putting them together so quickly. His gamble had worked out, and when he looked at his father who was making faces at the baby, his smile brightened further. Yes, everything would work out and he had finally gotten the family he had always wanted!

The end