Title: Lonely In Love.

Author: Morgana morganalebeau@yahoo.com

Website; http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon/

Pairing(s): Glorfindel/Elrond, Glorfindel/Ecthelion, Erestor/Ecthelion and Elrohir/Elladan.
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The Valar deem the time ready for Ecthelion to return to Arda. Erestor is given the task of preparing the young warrior for a life in Imladris.

Disclaimer: These characters are all Tolkien’s.
Warning: AU, fluff, romance, minor angst. Twin slash (implied)
Author’s Note: Not beta read. All mistakes are all mine; yeah, I am greedy! And remember; this is AU!

 

 

Lonely in love

The night will fade, the sun will shine
A new day - Lonely in love
And light the way for you to find

New love

 

Lyrics by Crimson Glory

 

 

Part 13

 

Confused.

 

He felt awfully confused after his visit with Erestor. A servant had shown him to his new quarters and he now sat on his bed, staring at the floor. It was hard to accept that the friendly Erestor he had known in the Gray Havens had become so cold and distant. He recalled gentle touches, desperate kisses and the feel of Erestor’s body pressed against his.

 

“I love him!” he exclaimed, but once his words had vaporized only silence remained. “But I love Glorfindel as well!” Burying his face in the palms of his hands, he shook his head. “What am I supposed to do? I waited so long to be reunited with Glorfindel and I love him! I love him too!” His voice took on a panicking tone. “But seeing Erestor in such a poor shape hurts! I do not want him to hurt! What do I do?”

 

Tears swam in his eyes, but he refused to let them flow. He had gotten himself and Erestor in this mess and he had to get them out again.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Glorfindel found he couldn’t look Elrond in the eye. He stood in front of the Lord’s desk, awaiting today’s instructions. Elrond sounded calm and controlled, but he sensed the other Elf’s emotional turmoil clearly. Even the weather seemed influenced by it. Had it been bright and sunny in the morning, dark clouds had appeared since he had entered Elrond’s study.

 

“Send a patrol to check our northern borders. Orcs were sighted there.” Elrond leaned back in his chair, drinking in Glorfindel’s sight. No matter how hurt he felt, he still loved Glorfindel and for that weakness he hated himself. /But this is my fault. I knew this would happen and yet I allowed us to become lovers./

 

Glorfindel hesitantly looked at Elrond and was somewhat relieved to find the eyes clear, although they also seemed predatorily and alert. Elrond was on his guard and wouldn’t allow him to address Ecthelion.

 

“There will be a feast tonight to celebrate Ecthelion’s return. I expect the two of you to attend.” Elrond briefly closed his eyes, wishing Ecthelion had never come to his valley.

 

“Will you be present as well?”

 

Elrond opened his eyes and gave Glorfindel an emotionless look. “Briefly. I feel tired and will leave the celebrating to Ecthelion and you.” He would say a few words to welcome Ecthelion and then take his leave. “That was all. You may leave now.”

 

“Elrond…” Glorfindel acted impulsively by stepping closer to the desk. Trying to catch Elrond’s elusive gaze, he asked, “How do you fare?” It was true, Elrond looked tired, but there was more. /Of course there is more! I chose Ecthelion over him!/

 

“I will manage,” said Elrond in a neutral tone. “Go now. I need to finish this letter.”

 

“Are we… Are we still friends?” Glorfindel placed his hands on the desk and leaned in closer, giving Elrond a pleading look.

 

Elrond placed the report back on the desk and probed Glorfindel’s eyes. “I do not know, Glorfindel. I would like for us to be friends, but I am not certain I can manage that. You must understand that everything between us has changed. For now, I would prefer to keep our contact limited.”

 

Loneliness stared back at him from the depths of Elrond’s gray eyes. Glorfindel knew how much it had cost Elrond to open up to him three years ago. To surrender to their love and accept him into his heart. It was only natural Elrond was protecting himself now. “You will always have my love and loyalty.”

 

Elrond cocked his head. “Loyalty, aye, but love?”

 

Glorfindel’s mouth went awfully dry. “I still love you.”

 

“How can you say that when you love Ecthelion?” Elrond pushed back his chair and eyed Glorfindel closely. “Your heart cannot beat for two people. You made your choice, didn’t you?”

 

Swallowing hard, Glorfindel nodded.

 

“Then tell me never again that you love me, for that is a lie.”

 

/Nay, no lie,/ thought Glorfindel, but he didn’t say the words aloud, realizing Elrond couldn’t understand him. /I love you still./

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Having to endure Elrohir's glare actually hurt. Glorfindel shyly looked over his shoulder at the twin and flinched; Elrohir's eyes were filled with a stormy anger, which he had never seen before.

 

"How can you do this to him?" Elrohir advanced on Glorfindel and forced the blond to a halt, blocking his former tutor's path. From his right, Elladan appeared and his twin joined him in staring down Glorfindel. "Why?" added Elladan.

 

Glorfindel averted his eyes under the onslaught of their glares and shuffled his feet. Nervously, he checked for a way out, but the twins effectively blocked the exit. "I love Ecthelion," he offered eventually. "Is that so hard to understand?"

 

Elladan growled, softly. "And because of that love you willingly make our father and Erestor suffer?"

 

Glorfindel now looked up in surprise. "Erestor?" Why would Erestor be suffering?

 

"Ecthelion never told you," realized Elladan. In that case, he didn't have the right to reveal the truth to Glorfindel. "Ask Ecthelion. Ask him why Erestor is suffering."

 

Glorfindel's eyes narrowed, recalling his lover's reluctance to report to Erestor that morning. "Elladan, Elrohir, I do not expect you to understand, but..."

 

"You are correct," replied Elrohir, "We do not understand." He shook his head, exasperated. "You built a life here and found a new love. And then you throw that all away because someone from your past reappears? It makes me wonder if you ever truly loved my father. Or did you just use him?"

 

Glorfindel's eyes shot daggers of anger at Elrohir. "I loved him! I still do!"

 

The twins exchanged a look of understanding. It was Elladan who voiced their thoughts in the end. "I pity you, Glorfindel. I never thought I would." Turning around resolutely, the twins left, leaving behind a bewildered looking Glorfindel.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Ecthelion?" Glorfindel burst into his rooms, relieved to find his lover there. He wasn't in the mood to search the Last Homely House for him.

 

Sensing Glorfindel's distress, Ecthelion moved away from the window, stepped up to the blond and folded an arm around his lover's waist. "What ails you?"

 

"I... There is something you need to know. Can we talk?"

 

"But of course!" Ecthelion guided Glorfindel back to the bed, where they sat down. Forcing his own thoughts -- disturbing thoughts featuring Erestor -- from his mind, he focused on Glorfindel instead. "You know you can tell me everything. I love you." He hoped those were the words Glorfindel needed to hear. "What has upset you?"

 

"I have not been completely honest with you," started Glorfindel, hurting when he saw the dazed expression in Ecthelion's eyes at hearing this. "I took a lover two years ago."

 

Ecthelion didn't know why he felt relieved at learning this, but he did. Shouldn't he feel jealous instead? Why relieved? "Please continue."

 

"Elrond and I... He would come to me at night when those nightmares tormented me. We fell in love and we were happy... You must understand that I never thought you would return to me." Glorfindel gave Ecthelion a pleading look, not questioning his luck when the raven-haired Elf smiled reassuringly. Ecthelion was taking this better than he had thought. "I was lonely and much in love. Had I known the Valar had allowed you to be reborn..."

 

"Then what?" Ecthelion gently rubbed Glorfindel's slightly clammy hand between his.

 

"I do not know if I had allowed Elrond and I to become lovers. I love you, Ecthelion."

 

"But you also love Elrond." Everything fell into place and he realized why he had felt so relieved to learn this. Hadn't he done exactly the same thing?

 

"It drives me insane!" Glorfindel slammed one fist into the mattress, allowing his anger a way out.

 

Ecthelion swallowed hard; the time had come to be return Glorfindel's honesty. "When I stayed in the Gray Havens I fell in love as well."

 

Glorfindel's eyes widened. "You did?"

 

"I had no memory of you, or Gondolin, and I fell in love with Erestor. It happened that first week."

 

"Erestor?" Now Glorfindel understood why Ecthelion had been reluctant to report to the Chief Advisor.

 

"I promised to wed him on the day of my majority, but he told me about you the day before." Ecthelion averted his eyes. "Our love was never physical, although I continued to pursue him in that way. He said we should wait. It was only after he told me about you that I understood why."

 

Glorfindel tenderly rubbed Ecthelion's knuckles. "Do you still love him? Like I love Elrond?"

 

"I think I do." Ecthelion gathered his courage and looked Glorfindel in the eye. "I do not understand how this can be. How can I love the both of you?"

 

"I asked myself that same question." Taking the initiative, Glorfindel wrapped his arms around Ecthelion, who leaned in and rested his body against him.

 

"I have hurt him, Glorfindel. I hurt Erestor."

 

/And I hurt Elrond./ Patiently, Glorfindel waited for Ecthelion to continue. He rubbed soothing circles across the raven-haired Elf's back, hoping to reassure him.

 

"During our time in the Havens one of the Nazgûl attacked. Erestor told me to flee, but I did not. I disobeyed and he was wounded because of me. During his recovery I admitted my love to him." Ecthelion flinched, reliving the exact moment when the dead King had buried his sword in Erestor's back. "He was willing to die for me, Glorfindel."

 

A lump of emotions had formed in the blond's throat, realizing how deep Ecthelion's love for Erestor ran. "I must admit I wondered about Erestor's cool demeanor earlier. I do not know him like that. But it makes sense now."
 

Ecthelion was at a loss for words. What else could he add to his admission? "I love him, Glorfindel, but I love you too."

 

Glorfindel pulled away so he could look into Ecthelion's swimming eyes. "Resolving this will take time. My feelings for Elrond are still very strong  as well."

 

Ecthelion raised a hand and his fingers combed through Glorfindel's fair mane. "I am afraid to speak my thoughts."

 

"Speak them any way. Maybe they mirror mine," said Glorfindel, feeling breathless.

 

"Are we meant to be together in this life time, Glorfindel? The Valar know I still love you -- that I would lay down my life for you, but..."

 

"Hush now," said Glorfindel, pulling Ecthelion close once more, and rocking him slowly. "We were reunited only hours ago. We do not have to make any decisions yet. Let us enjoy being together again and work through our feelings in time."

 

"You have had more time to come to terms with your rebirth," muttered Ecthelion against Glorfindel's chest. "I will follow your advise."

 

"Good." Glorfindel, filled with his own doubts, maneuvered them into a lying position. Once they were on their sides, facing each other, he pulled Ecthelion close once more. Holding him, he pressed a kiss onto Ecthelion's raven hair. Although they had been reunited, he had never felt more alone.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"We will only stay for a short while," said Elrond, checking his appearance in the mirror. He had dressed in his most formal robes, wore his circlet and had braided his hair away from his face. He looked like the Elven-Lord he was, but inside he felt tiny and depressed. His exterior was a front designed to hide his feelings and when he looked at Erestor, he found that his Chief Advisor used the same tactic to distract any onlookers. Erestor looked impeccable in his rich, gray robes, lined with silver. His friend wore his raven hair loose, and the ends danced against the small of Erestor's back. "We will leave after welcoming them to the valley."

 

Erestor drew in a deep breath and nodded once. He hoped he could maintain this facade, which would hopefully not crack in front of everyone. The mere thought of having to face Ecthelion caused him emotional pain, but knowing Elrond was going through the same pain, encouraged him to stand by his friend's side. They would face the happy couple together and support one another throughout the evening.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Welcome to my valley, Ecthelion. Welcome to Imladris and the Last Homely House." Elrond's voice was firm and steady and only Erestor knew how much strength and courage it took Elrond to act the part. Elrond's eyes sought out the reborn Captain of the Fountain and the half-Elf inclined his head in respect. "Tonight, we will celebrate your return, my friend. Let wine and miruvor flow freely. Drink, eat, dance and sing." He clapped his hands once to officially declare the feast had started. He wanted to collapse onto his chair and it was only his discipline that kept him from showing everyone how miserable he truly felt. Surprised, he sensed Erestor's hand seeking out his beneath the table and he grabbed it, holding on tight. Erestor would give him the strength he needed.

 

Erestor squeezed tightly and Elrond straightened his shoulders, still maintaining his regal manner. "Only a few more moments and then we will excuse ourselves." He made it a point to avoid looking at Glorfindel and Ecthelion and he concentrated on Elrond instead. "Do you want me to keep you company tonight?"

 

Elrond nodded once, a bit abruptly, and then averted his eyes as well. He had been staring at Glorfindel, but seeing the blond Elf laugh and then kiss Ecthelion's cheek was too much to bear. Looking at Erestor instead, he said, "Aye, please stay with me."

 

Erestor flinched, briefly, as an old pain shot through his back. The wound had been acting up lately and the pain was growing worse. He had managed to hide it from everyone, including Elrond, whom he didn't want to burden with his pain. He would endure -- he always did.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Are they leaving already?" Ecthelion frowned, finding Elrond and Erestor walking toward the doorway. "The evening is still young." And he didn't want Erestor to leave just yet! And most certainly not with Elrond, walking that close to the half-Elf and with an arm wrapped around the Lord of Imladris.

 

"Don't you understand?" whispered Glorfindel, softly, "It pains them to look upon us and to see us happy." A moment later, he wished he hadn't confided in his lover, seeing Ecthelion's shocked and crestfallen expression.

 

"I did not think of it in that way," offered Ecthelion in a tiny voice. Lowering his eyes, he stared at the floor. The sounds around him faded and a moment of deafening silence erupted in his mind. Squirming, he closed his eyes, reaching out for a memory that would soothe him, and strangely enough that memory didn't feature Glorfindel, but Erestor. Erestor was singing softly, holding him close and stroking his hair.

 

Seeing Ecthelion lost in thought, Glorfindel respected the other Elf's privacy, and he didn't try to bring his lover back to the present. Although Ecthelion was close, he realized he longed to have Elrond close instead.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"How much longer?" How much longer did they have to struggle through all congratulations, which were being bestowed on them? The whole of Imladris seemed happy for them and rejoiced at seeing them reunited, but Ecthelion felt uncomfortable. And by looking at Glorfindel, Ecthelion realized his lover felt the same way. Something felt wrong.

 

Terribly wrong.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Neither Elrond, nor Erestor felt the need to talk once they had entered the half-Elf's quarters. They removed their formal robes until they were only clad in an undershirt and by silent agreement slipped beneath the covers, mirroring the same position they had been in last night. Elrond lay spooned behind his friend and caressed the long hair. Hair, which was raven and not golden, which made it hard to pretend that he was holding Glorfindel and not Erestor. He regretted using Erestor in this way, but also realized that the other dark-haired Elf was using him in turn. Both of them needed the comfort.

 

"They looked happy, didn't they?" Erestor's shaky voice cut through the air unexpectedly.

 

"Aye, they did. We should be happy for them." But being happy for them was hard, as Elrond wanted to hold Glorfindel in his arms -- his lover. "Do you think that seeing them in that way will become easier in time?"

 

"I honestly do not know," said Erestor, enjoying the feel of Elrond's fingers moving through his hair, but he couldn't help wishing it were Ecthelion's fingers instead. "I do not even know if I will stay in Imladris."

 

Shock washed over Elrond. "You wish to leave the valley? Our home?" This was unexpected!

 

"Ever since I left the Gray Havens the call of the Sea has grown stronger." Erestor turned in Elrond's embrace until they were face to face. "Ecthelion and I were happy there, Cirdan was right about that. I might even be reasonably happy there without Ecthelion."

 

"I do not want you to leave me alone!"

 

"You are hardly alone, my friend," said Erestor, softly, "You have your children."

 

"But... they cannot comfort me the way you can." Who was he supposed to hold at night when Erestor left him? He didn't want to fall back into the same kind of loneliness which had tormented him after his wife had sailed for the Undying Lands. "If I could, I would sail for Aman." But he was still needed here. He had seen the future and knew what part he had to play once the One Ring resurfaced.

 

Erestor tenderly brushed Elrond's face with his fingertips, offering the comfort the half-Elf needed. "My heart broke when Ereinion died and when I accepted I was in love with Ecthelion, I knew my heart would break the day he left me. My heart has been dead since Ecthelion laid eyes upon Glorfindel."

 

"Oh, Erestor..." Elrond pulled the other Elf close in a gentle embrace and soothingly rubbed the trembling back. When Erestor unexpectedly flinched beneath the touch, he grew worried and sought out the brown eyes. "Does my touch bring you pain?"

 

Erestor drew in a deep breath and resigned himself to the situation, feeling Elrond's probing fingers explore underneath the shirt.

 

Elrond located the old wound, felt the scar tissue and a slight burning sensation made his fingertips tingle. "What is this?"

 

"One of the Nazgûl attacked during my time in the Gray Havens. The wound still pains me at times."
 

"And I reckon the discomfort has been growing worse?" The healer in him demanded he checked on his friend and he rolled Erestor gently onto his stomach, pushing the shirt out of the way. "It was a deep cut," he realized, probing the skin, which still glowed a soft red. "And there is little I can do to lessen the discomfort." Pulling the shirt down again, he waited for Erestor to roll back onto his side. He studied the large, chocolate brown eyes and easily read the pain in them. "When your time comes I will let you go. You may leave for the Gray Havens whenever you want."

 

"Not yet," whispered Erestor, gratefully. Carefully, he wrapped an arm around Elrond's waist and he rested his head against the half-Elf's shoulder. "Why did I have to fall in love with him?"

 

"I do not know why," said Elrond, sighing. "I have been asking myself the same question where Glorfindel is concerned."

 

"Thank you for being a good friend," whispered Erestor, growing tired now that the burning sensation in his back intensified. Hopefully, he would find some relief of the pain in his sleep.

 

Elrond watched Erestor's eyes grow blank and he strengthened his hold on his friend. "I wish I could keep you here with me, but I cannot. You would fade otherwise and I do not want to contribute to your death." Pressing a chaste and brotherly kiss on the crown of Erestor's head, he guarded the other Elf's dream, like he had guarded Glorfindel's not so long ago.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Glorfindel couldn't find rest that night. After the feast, they had retired to his rooms and Ecthelion had eagerly moved into his arms. Strangely enough, neither of them had felt the need to make love and they had simply settled down holding the other. Ecthelion's sleep was restless and Glorfindel regularly had to soothe his lover. Then, Ecthelion called out for Erestor in his sleep, and Glorfindel's heart missed a beat.

 

/Wrong. This is so wrong./ But he didn't understand why things had gone wrong so badly. He still loved Ecthelion and he knew Ecthelion loved him in turn. So what was wrong?

 

/Elrond and Erestor./ That was what was wrong. Ecthelion's heart called out for Erestor. And his own heart? It thundered each time he saw Elrond, knowing he couldn't walk up to the half-Elf to hold and kiss him. This wasn't a lover's triangle! There was four of them!

 

/What do I do?/ Glorfindel stared at Ecthelion's youthful face, realizing the face *was* different from Ecthelion's 'old' one. /We are different people. We are not the people we were in Gondolin./ He felt like balancing on the brink of a very important revelation, but the knowledge wouldn't come to him.

 

Too tired to give this matter the serious thought it deserved, he forced himself to fall asleep as well. Maybe a little rest was what he needed.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Why are Glorfindel and Ecthelion doing this?" Elladan and Elrohir had first watched their father and Erestor depart, and toward the end of the feast, Glorfindel and Ecthelion had left together. "Why can't they see that this is wrong?" Elrohir shook his head, exasperated.

 

"Maybe all they need is time," offered Elladan, rolling onto his back to join his twin in watching the starlit sky. They were restless and instead of going to their quarters they had sought out the gardens to watch the midnight moon and the sparkling stars.

 

"I hope so," replied Elrohir, "Adar needs Glorfindel."

 

"And Glorfindel needs our father. He is just too stubborn to admit that."

 

"Nay," said Elladan, feeling sad, "Glorfindel is too *blind* to see that."

 

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