Title: Lonely In Love.

Author: Morgana morganalebeau@yahoo.com

Website; http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon/

Pairing(s): Glorfindel/Elrond, Glorfindel/Ecthelion, Erestor/Ecthelion and Elladan/Elrohir.
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The Valar deem the time ready for Ecthelion to return to Arda. Erestor is given the task of preparing the young warrior for a life in Imladris.

Disclaimer: These characters are all Tolkien’s.
Warning: AU, fluff, romance, minor angst. Twin slash (implied)
Author’s Note: Not beta read. All mistakes are all mine; yeah, I am greedy! And remember; this is AU!

 

  

Lonely in love

The night will fade, the sun will shine
A new day - Lonely in love
And light the way for you to find

New love

 

Lyrics by Crimson Glory

 

 

Part 9

 

 

Time fast forwarded after that day. Erestor and Ecthelion spent their time together, hardly ever leaving each other’s side. In the morning, they went running and swimming, and at noon, they returned to their cottage to continue Ecthelion’s studies. In the evenings, they composed songs, listened to the other play the flute or harp and reveled in each other’s presence. Their time in the Gray Havens was perfect and filled with happiness.

 

However, Cirdan was the first to notice that Erestor became more silent, more private and melancholy. The advisor still managed to hide these darkening moods from Ecthelion, but failed to do so in his presence. Growing concerned for the two Elves, who had become his best friends during these last three years, Cirdan felt compelled to address this matter and to offer Erestor a listening ear.

 

So, one night, when Ecthelion was soaking in Erestor’s bathtub, the shipwright approached Erestor. He sat down next to him on the couch and watched the long, agile fingers fidget nervously with the corner of the blanket. “Something ails you.”

 

Erestor laughed, bitterly. “You are quite observant.”

 

Cirdan frowned at Erestor’s tone, which was sarcastic – even a tad mean. “Ecthelion and you are my friends, Erestor. Using that tone with me is unbecoming, not to mention unnecessary.”

 

“I apologize,” said Erestor, sincerely, “I was out of line.” His emotions tended to get the better of him these days. These were the last few days, which he could spend freely with Ecthelion, for the day of his majority was nearing – the day of truth.

 

“Why don’t you confide in me? Maybe I can offer counsel?” Cirdan shifted slightly on the couch until he could look Erestor in the eye. The sadness and fear, which he encountered there, worried him.

 

“In one week exactly Ecthelion will reach majority.”

 

Cirdan nodded and a smile surfaced on his face. Ecthelion had sought him out some weeks ago, asking him how to best propose to Erestor, as the younger Elf was fairly certain that the advisor wouldn’t ask him first. Ecthelion was still as eager to be bound to Erestor as on the day they had first kissed. Ecthelion’s love had deepened over the years. And so had Erestor’s, but the raven-haired advisor was better at hiding his feelings, and didn’t show them as openly as Ecthelion. “He is already looking forward to that day.”

 

“I am not.” Erestor closed his eyes to lock out his love for the younger Elf.

 

“And why is that?” Cirdan’s frown deepened. “I cannot imagine you would reject him. I know you love him.”

 

“Ecthelion will never propose to me,” said Erestor in a soft and tormented voice. “Once he knows about Glorfindel…”

 

“Ah, Glorfindel.” Cirdan was beginning to understand. “You are afraid he will desert you for his former lover.”

 

“I am *not* his lover, Cirdan.” Erestor spoke in a harsher tone than intended. “We sleep in the same bed, aye, but that is where it ends.” Erestor shifted, uncomfortably. “Over the years his nightmares have grown less, and his calls for Glorfindel come less frequent, but he still calls for him. How can my love compete with theirs?”

 

“You should have a little more faith in yourself.”

 

Erestor shook his head. “This has nothing to do with faith, my friend. This is about accepting reality. Ecthelion will leave for Imladris to be with Glorfindel. His ‘love’ for me will vanish.”

 

“His ‘love’?” Cirdan wondered about the strange tone Erestor had used when uttering that word. “Do you doubt Ecthelion’s love for you?”

 

“It is just youthful infatuation.” He had to believe that! Had to deny this was true love! It would keep him sane when the time of their separation came. “In time, he will forget about me and his every thought will be about Glorfindel.”

 

Cirdan remained quiet, sensing Erestor was growing lost in thought and about to open up to him.

 

“I tried not to think of this moment for the last three years, but it was never far out of my thoughts, locked away in my subconscious.” Erestor wrung his hands. “But now that it has come, I need to prepare for the loss. How do I do that?” He pleadingly locked eyes with Cirdan. “I lost my heart to Ecthelion. He has given me a reason to enjoy life again. He took away my fears. How can I go on without him?”

 

Cirdan wrapped an arm around his friend and pulled him close. The words he was about to speak might upset Erestor further, but they had to be said. “When I first learned that Ecthelion had chosen you, I was worried as well. Like you, I assumed it was just youthful infatuation and that it would lessen in time. But the opposite happened; it grew. His love for you is strong.” Cirdan smiled, seeing Erestor’s hopeful expression. “And you love him in turn. I reckon you thought you were no longer capable of loving so passionately after losing Ereinion?”

 

Erestor’s eyes filled with tears at hearing that name. “I lost my mind when he died.”

 

“But Elrond returned you to sanity.” Cirdan offered Erestor a rueful smile. “And even should you lose Ecthelion – what I do not think will happen – you will find the strength to carry on. You are strong, Erestor. Ereinion chose you as his mate for a reason.”

 

The tears which had been lurking in Erestor’s eyes now flowed down his cheeks. “I loved him.”

 

“I know you did. We all know that. And you did the right thing by leaving him in the past, where Ereinion belongs. Ecthelion is the present, and your future.”

 

“But what if I lose him to Glorfindel?” Embarrassed – because he was crying – Erestor wiped away his tears with the corner of his sleeve.

 

“You won’t. You have to believe that.” But Erestor’s eyes remained pleadingly – awaiting a proper answer. “And should you lose him, you will know how to work through the loss. You have done that before, and you emerged stronger – and much loved by Elrond and his family. Always remember; you are not alone.”

 

Erestor’s eyes dried and he nodded once. Letting his emotions rule him didn’t help. He had to remain in control of them and accept whatever destiny Ilúvatar had in store for him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ecthelion took his time to enjoy his bath. He was still grateful that Erestor had introduced him to the pleasures of bathing *inside* the house. Blowing air into the foam that covered most of his body, he giggled, excitedly. In exactly six days he would ask Erestor to bind with him and he wondered if there had ever been an ‘Elfling’ who had proposed to his beloved on the very day of his majority.

 

“Erestor, I love you… Erestor, I love you…” he singsonged, finally rising from the now cooling water.

 

After drying his skin and wrapping his long, wet hair into a towel, he sat down in front of the mirror to study his reflection. Using Erestor’s comb, he untangled the silken strands. As he looked into the mirror, he was completely aware of the fact that an adult was staring back at him, and no longer an Elfling. It was ridiculous that Erestor insisted they should wait until he had reached his majority to make this official. He was fully capable of making his own, independent decisions. Even Cirdan had said so.

 

/Oh, Erestor…/ The mere thought of his beloved had him trembling with excitement. During these last three years they had done little more than kissing. Occasionally they had touched, but never in truly intimate places. The sexual tension between them raged high and Ecthelion felt like this fire would burn him alive.

 

He had found release in the water moments earlier, thinking of his beloved, but it wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to feel Erestor’s hands on him and not the gentle caress of the water!

 

Now that he had finished combing his still damp hair, he rose from the stool and studied himself in the mirror. His muscle tone was well-defined and he had caught Erestor staring at his long legs more than once. He was attractive and he knew it! When it was time to properly seduce Erestor, he would use it to his advantage!

 

In the distance, he heard the door close. Good, that meant Cirdan had left. Ecthelion slipped into a long shirt and left the bathroom to seek out his beloved. When he found Erestor, he came to a halt, surprised to find the elder Elf in such a gloomy mood. Erestor had folded his hands in his lap, his gaze was directed at the floor, and the shoulders had slumped forward. /He looks defeated, but why?/ Unable to bear seeing Erestor in such a depressed mood, Ecthelion cleared his throat and properly entered the room. “Erestor?”

 

Erestor forced a smile onto his face, but it was too late. Ecthelion had seen his real emotions.

 

Ecthelion knelt in front of Erestor, pushed the elder Elf’s knees apart and leaned in closer, resting his upper body against his beloved. “What ails you?”

 

Erestor bit his bottom lip. He hadn’t planned on doing this now and would bide his time to tell Ecthelion. For now he needed to distract him. “You have grown quite fond of that bathtub, haven’t you?”

 

Ecthelion lifted questioning eyes. “Erestor? Please tell me what upsets you.”

 

“Not yet. Not tonight.” Tonight, he would savor Ecthelion’s comforting company. “But shortly. Do not worry.”

 

A sense of foreboding – cold and sharp – made Ecthelion tremble. “I love you, Erestor.”

 

“I know you do.” Erestor lifted Ecthelion’s chin by placing a finger beneath it and now stared into the open, gray eyes, which never hid a thing from him. “I am tired. I want to go to bed.”

 

Ecthelion raised an eyebrow at hearing that; it was still early.

 

“I want you to hold me tonight,” clarified Erestor. Normally it was the other way around and he would hold Ecthelion tightly through the night. He would draw from these memories in the years to come.

 

Ecthelion rose from the floor. A frown was etched deeply onto his brow, seeing the sadness that surrounded Erestor like a shroud. /No matter what I say, I won’t be able to convince him that he has nothing to fear./ He gathered Erestor’s hands in his and pulled the elder Elf to his feet. Leading him through the corridor and into their bedroom, he removed the heavy robes Erestor wore until the advisor was only clad in a shirt. He gently pulled Erestor into bed with him where they lay on their sides, facing each other. He then wrapped his arms around him – very tightly.

 

Erestor released a tormented sigh and wished this moment in time would last forever, but he knew it couldn’t. “Ecthelion?”

 

“What is it, love?” Ecthelion wondered a bit about the role reversal, but decided he liked it, as Erestor fit nicely against him. He even pressed a kiss onto the crown of Erestor’s head, which rested against his shoulder. “You know you can tell me.” Erestor’s odd behavior worried him. He knew that the elder Elf was apprehensive for some reason, but he hadn’t known that Erestor was *this* concerned.

 

“I do not want to lose you.” Erestor rubbed his cheek against Ecthelion’s chest. The thin fabric hardly presented a barrier and the younger Elf’s nipples grew hard. “I want to remain in this moment forever.”

 

“Why are you so afraid to lose me, love?” Ecthelion shifted a bit lower until Erestor and he were face to face again. The brown eyes were swimming and the pupils dilated. Feeling Erestor shiver against him filled Ecthelion with dread.

 

“Maybe I should tell you now and have it over with,” said Erestor in an unguarded moment. But he didn’t want to lose Ecthelion!

 

Ecthelion’s mouth went dry. “Nay, not yet. You said it yourself.” Throughout the years he had realized that Erestor was worried about revealing his heritage to him. Why, Ecthelion didn’t know, but it worried him in turn. “Why don’t we forget about this? Do not tell me. Keep it to yourself.”

 

“Oh, you have no idea how much I would want that, Ecthelion.” Erestor’s voice sounded fragile and he closed his eyes, trying to lock out his fears. “I want to stay here so badly, Ecthelion. I want to stay like this and never leave the Gray Havens. But that cannot be. You are too important and your services will be needed. I cannot steal you away from your destiny.”

 

“What about our love, then? You seem so certain that we will stop loving each other once I know the truth.”

 

“I know you will leave me. I know I will lose you.” Erestor’s eyes opened, sensing Ecthelion’s building fears. “But I cannot be selfish and keep you to myself.”

 

“Then do not tell me until after I reached majority and proposed to you. Wait until we are wed!”

 

“That would not be honest,” said Erestor, slowly regaining his composure. “You need to know this before making such an important decision.”

 

“I do not understand why you are so certain this knowledge will keep me from binding myself to you!”

 

“Because everything will change for you – everything.”

 

Ecthelion didn’t like the way that sounded and tucked Erestor’s head beneath his chin, rocking the elder Elf like Erestor had rocked him when he had battled those nightmares years ago. Nightmares, which hardly ever tormented him any more because Erestor was close. “Everything might change for *me*, but what we have won’t.”

 

“Do not make promises you cannot keep, my sweet,” whispered Erestor, still somewhat upset. “We must face our destinies.”

 

“But I hate seeing you upset.”

 

/I have the feeling that this is the first of many times that you will see me upset,/ thought Erestor, grimly. Not wishing to speak any more, he buried his face against Ecthelion’s chest, deeply inhaling the other Elf’s scent and allowing himself to drift off into his dreamscape.

 

Ecthelion however, remained awake for most of the night. Tonight, it was *his* turn to guard Erestor’s sleep and to drive away the fears that tormented his beloved.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ecthelion slid his arms in place around Erestor’s waist. He had found his beloved in the garden, brooding and gloomy. “I will reach my majority tomorrow and I still plan to propose to you.”

 

Erestor sighed, deeply. “The time has come, then.”

 

Ecthelion startled at the dead, accepting tone that Erestor’s voice carried. “I do not want you to tell me.”

 

“You do not have a choice in the matter. Neither do I.” Erestor freed himself of the embrace and sat down on the grass, running his fingertips down the stem of a daisy. “Sit down, Ecthelion.”

 

He obeyed, but didn’t like this development one bit. The emotionless expression in Erestor’s eyes told him that his beloved had locked away that part of himself that loved him in order to do this. “I beseech you; change your mind and do not tell me.”

 

“I should have done this some time ago, but I did not want to lose you. So I drew this out.” Erestor had called upon his inner strength to carry him through this, knowing these were the last moments that Ecthelion would look at him with so much love in his eyes. Shortly, that love would be reserved for Glorfindel only.

 

“Your name is Ecthelion, Captain of the Fountain and you died a hero’s death in Gondolin.”

 

/Gondolin?/ Something inside Ecthelion stirred at hearing the city’s name. “Gondolin?” Frowning, he wondered why it sounded that familiar to him. “I lived in Gondolin once.” The white city rose before his mind’s eye, and memories, long buried, now roused and awoke. “I defended the city.”

 

“Aye, you did.” Erestor fought back his tears, sensing the younger Elf’s memories were retuning. “You died when Gothmog dragged you down with him. In the fountain you fell and there you died.”

 

Ecthelion shivered. “Why are you bringing this up again? I thought we had already discussed this?” But he knew there was more to come and that knowledge filled him with fear and apprehension.

 

“There was another that fell defending the city.” Erestor steeled his heart; knowing he was only one sentence away from losing Ecthelion forever.

 

“There was?” Ecthelion’s brow furrowed.

 

“His name is Glorfindel, Captain of the House of the Golden Flower.” Erestor held his breath involuntary, seeing Ecthelion’s eyes widen with remembrance.

 

It was coming back to him. *Everything* was coming back to him. Gothmog, their last stance, the betrayal of the House of the Harp and… Glorfindel… his friend… his brother in arms… his lover.

 

“Glorfindel!” He saw him die all over again. The Balrogs attacked from all directions, and although they had already slain a number of them, there was one that still managed to get through to Glorfindel. “Nay, I do not want to remember!” But he did, and relived Glorfindel’s death, and then his own.

 

Erestor, who had been determined to refrain from touching Ecthelion at this point, caved in, and folded an arm around the younger Elf. A moment later, Ecthelion flung himself at him, burying himself deeply in the embrace and sobbing brokenly. “I am sorry, but I did not know how to tell you.”

 

Ecthelion suddenly understood; understood Erestor’s worries, understood his nightmares and his own need. “Glorfindel… I need Glorfindel.” But wasn’t Glorfindel dead? His soul still wandering the Halls of Waiting?

 

Realizing what direction Ecthelion’s thoughts had taken, Erestor said, “Glorfindel dwells on Arda once more. In Imladris, to be exact. I will take you there – to him.” Mithrandir’s words had finally come true. “I will take you to your love.”

 

Ecthelion lifted pleading eyes to look at Erestor. “I finally understand…”

 

Erestor forced a smile onto his face. “I have already lost you to him, my sweet, as I knew I would. Do you now understand why I could not let you propose to me? You deserve the absolute truth. And the truth is that Glorfindel is alive and still calls out for you at night, as much as you call out for him. You love him, not me. It was only youthful infatuation.”

 

Ecthelion nodded his head. “Nay, it was not.”

 

Erestor noted that Ecthelion had used the past tense. “Maybe it was love, then, but does it still matter? Your heart calls out for Glorfindel. It yearns to be reunited with your true love.”

 

It was true, but Ecthelion didn’t want this; didn’t want to long for Glorfindel when he also loved Erestor. But the bonds of his first life were strong and demanded he saw Glorfindel and talked to him. Maybe even rekindled the flame of their former love. “I promised not to hurt you three years ago.”

 

“And I told you not to make any promises that you could not keep.” Erestor fondly stroked the long, raven hair for one last time. He wouldn’t indulge himself in this way the next time Ecthelion needed comfort. From now on, there would be a formal distance between them, physically and emotionally. Ecthelion belonged with Glorfindel and not with him, like he had always known. He had been a fool to fall for the charming youngster. And now his heart was breaking – again. He hoped Cirdan was right and that he could cope with losing Ecthelion!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

That night, both of them felt lost. Erestor had retired to his own bedroom, which had remained unused these last three years. And Ecthelion lay in the bed they had shared for so long, feeling lonely. Glorfindel’s face regularly appeared in his mind’s eye, as if to console him, but even the presence of that long loved face wouldn’t soothe him or help him fall asleep. He was lonely and longed for Erestor’s company, but he also understood why the advisor was now keeping his distance.

 

/I had no idea what I was talking about when I made those promises. But he did. That is why he told me not to make promises that I could not keep./ He felt like he had cheated Erestor out of his love. Erestor had been reluctant from the start, but he had insisted they would be happy forever. He had convinced Erestor to give him his chance and now all he could think about was Glorfindel – the azure eyes and stunning smile. Glorfindel had been everything to him. And now that he remembered his former lover, he felt the insane urge to leave for Imladris right now, and not wait until they would leave in the morning.

 

“I am so sorry, Erestor. I never meant to hurt you – but I did.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Erestor had curled up into a fetal position and was trying hard not to think of Ecthelion – of how much he missed having the younger Elf close. He had always known that this day would come and he had accepted it. He had made his choices and now he had to live with them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Cirdan couldn’t believe the changes that had taken place in his friends. Erestor acted distant, indifferent and, of course, polite, but the raw pain lurked just beneath the surface. He instinctively knew that one careless word would upset the advisor and throw him completely off balance.

 

Ecthelion was also acting out of character and Cirdan knew better than to address this matter. Ecthelion and Erestor had to resolve this privately, but first, Ecthelion had to talk to Glorfindel. Mithrandir had warned him this would happen, but the Wizard had also assured him that things would turn out the way they were supposed to be.

 

“You are an adult now, according to our laws, Ecthelion. You finally reached your majority,” said Cirdan, seeing that fact brought the younger Elf little joy. Ecthelion had surely envisioned this day differently. /He wanted to propose to Erestor today./

 

“Thank you, Cirdan.” Ecthelion hung on to his composure. He wanted to kick, scream and holler, but his upbringing didn’t permit him to act so unbecomingly. Not just Galadriel and Celeborn’s training were helping him maintain his mask, but he also remembered his training in the old days – in Gondolin.

 

/He carries himself differently,/ noticed Cirdan, who exchanged a worried look with Erestor. /This is the Ecthelion of old, not the Elf I have known for these last three years. Now that his memory is intact again, he has changed./ Had Mithrandir made the right decision when he had brought Ecthelion here? And Erestor? Hadn’t the Wizard foreseen their misery?

 

“I am sad to see you leave the Gray Heavens. You seemed happy here,” said Cirdan, almost instantly regretting his words, when he caught Erestor wiping away a tear. The advisor had refused to dismount, and Vorndir was impatiently moving about. The stallion felt his rider’s discomfort.

 

Ecthelion bestowed one last hug on the shipwright. “You are right. We *were* happy here.” But that was in the past. “Thank you for being there when we needed you.” The words catapulted him back to the moment when he had faced losing Erestor due to the Nazgûl’s attack and pain and fear sneaked up on him again.

 

Cirdan didn’t know what was suddenly upsetting Ecthelion, but he acted nonetheless and squeezed the raven-haired Elf’s shoulder reassuringly.

 

Unable to watch any longer, Erestor steered Vorndir away from the scene and waited at a distance. His heart couldn’t take much more of this!

 

“Have faith in your love for Erestor,” said Cirdan, when Ecthelion’s puzzled eyes locked with his. “You think you know what to do, and who to love, but you might find things are not that clear after all. Trust your instincts, Ecthelion.”

 

Ecthelion nodded, but didn’t understand what Cirdan was trying to tell him. The shipwright seemed to speak in riddles.

 

“Always follow your heart, Ecthelion. Listen to what it tells you,” added Cirdan, seeing the other Elf’s confusion. “And always remember; you are who you are *now*, and not who you *were*.”

 

Thoroughly puzzled, Ecthelion answered the hug Cirdan gave him, and then mounted Rohaer. “Will we meet again?” he asked, wishing he didn’t have to part from the shipwright just yet, but his desire to be reunited with Glorfindel was stronger.

 

Cirdan gave him a wink. “We might.”

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