Title: Lost Soul

Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairing: Eero/Arttu

Rating: R
Summary: Eero struggles to make his life finally work and then someone new enters it and turns it upside down.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

Beta read by DA, thanks a million, sweetie!

All remaining mistakes are mine

This story is from Eero’s POV.

Lost Soul

Look at me now
I'm broken and empty
Why does it always
rain on me?
Give me your heart
so I can live

Part 1

“Do we have everything? Did you check the kitchen cupboards, Jonne? And the closet, Eero?” Tommi is clearly in his element bossing us about.

I let him. I had quickly learned that Tommi doesn’t really accept ‘no’ from me when the answer doesn’t suit him. Jonne gives me a knowing look and I smile back at him. I still don’t feel like I deserve to be a part of their family, but the two of them have worked so hard at making me feel welcome that it’s hard not to feel a part of them.

“Hey, I thought you would be happy leaving all this behind.”

Jonne curls an arm around me and pulls me close. I had found it hard to accept his embrace at first, but since he keeps hugging me, I am getting used to it. “I *am* happy to move out of this place, but…” I don’t really feel comfortable moving into Jonne’s guestroom. Once Tommi had found out where I lived, he had decided it had to change and the two of them had offered me the guestroom, which would be my room then. I hadn’t wanted to accept at first, but Tommi really doesn’t accept ‘no’, so I am moving my things into Jonne’s apartment today.

“You are welcome to live with me. I am thrilled that you are moving in. That way I get to know you better and we can get into trouble together,” Jonne quips.

I blink. What did he say? Get into trouble together? I am going to stay away from trouble as much as I can!

“Alright, we are done in here. Let’s take this stuff to your apartment, Jonne!” Tommi orders and opens the door. “Move your asses, ladies.”

Jonne glares evilly at Tommi. “Just be careful who you call ladies, you bully.”

A month ago, I would have interpreted their verbal bantering as serious arguing, but I know better now. Tommi and Jonne love to banter and I have a hard time finding a way to react to their teasing. I always think that they are critiquing each other...or me...but they are not.

“Say goodbye to your old room,” Jonne says as he pulls me along toward the minivan, which Tommi had rented for the day. “You are not coming back here.”

I don’t know how I feel about that. I didn’t like living here on my own, but at least it was my place. Now I am moving in with Jonne and I don’t know if we will get along if we are together twenty-four hours a day. I am still lost in thought when Tommi steers the minivan away from the building my room was in.

I still don’t know what to make of any of this. Exactly one month ago, Tommi and Jonne had found me at the Tammerkoski and had taken me home with them. Tommi had told me that I am part of their family now and that running away isn’t an option. I haven’t run away after that, but I still don’t know how to behave around them.

“Don’t worry,” Jonne says from my right. “You will still have your privacy at home. I won’t storm into your room like that.”

“I know that.” I know Jonne is a considerate person and he will give me the freedom I need, but it will be a big change at any rate...for both of us.

“I asked my band mates to help haul your stuff upstairs,” Jonne says. “Nakki and Larry couldn’t make it, but Antti and Jay will be there.”

I nod, but I am not really listening to him. My own thoughts keep me occupied. Moving in with Jonne isn’t the only change in my life. I have stopped coughing and, although I am still slightly underweight, I am adding weight. I am healthier today than I was a month ago. Tommi’s cooking and Jonne feeding me snacks are mostly responsible for that. I even had to buy new jeans and going shopping with Jonne was quite the experience. People watched us all the time, and a day later, there had been a picture of us in the newspaper.

“Antti and Jay are already here! They are actually punctual! That’s a first,” Jonne remarks and smiles at me.

I smile back at him. Jonne is the most caring person I have ever met. He has such a big heart and hadn't thought twice when he had taken me under his wing. I still can’t believe that he wants me for a brother and that he cares about me.

Tommi parks the minivan, gets out, and calls Antti and Jay over to him. “Ah, Jay, you get to carry the heavy stuff!”

“I just knew you would say that,” Jay deadpans, but the drummer doesn’t seem irritated since he is smiling.

I don’t know Jonne’s band mates that well. I have seen them about, but we have never talked. Jonne takes my hand and pulls me along with him. He doesn’t even release it when he embraces Antti, which makes the hug rather awkward.

“Antti, thanks for coming over to help out! It wasn’t too bad to haul everything downstairs earlier, but now we have to carry it upstairs!” Jonne smiles winningly at the red-haired bass player.

“That is what friends are for!” Antti replies and grins. “It can’t be that much when it all fits in there,” he says and points at the minivan.

“It is not even half-full,” Jonne says and releases Antti from his hold. “Antti, you already know Eero, don’t you?”

I try to hide behind Jonne’s back, but he pushes me away from him and suddenly I am standing in front of Antti. The bass player is smaller than me, but that doesn’t reassure me. I hate meeting new people.

“Of course I do! Hello Eero! I am Antti, but you probably already know that.” Antti extends his hand and I stare at it for a moment before I shake it. “So you are the long lost brother! We did always wonder about the resemblance, but we never thought…” Antti stops talking when I stare at Jonne in wonder.

Jonne shrugs. “You *do* know what you look like, right, Eero? If we are standing next to each other, the family resemblance is rather striking.”

I frown. I had never realized we look alike. “Is the resemblance really that big?”

“I will show you later,” Jonne promises and winks at me. “Let’s help them. Tommi and Jay already started to carry everything upstairs.”

I quickly nod and follow Jonne and Antti to the minivan. I move to grab hold of a box filled with books, but Jonne stops me and puts a box with clothes in my arms instead.

“We let Tommi and Jay carry the heavy stuff and you are not carrying anything heavy at all! You are still recovering!” Jonne declares decisively.

I blink in surprise. “Jonne, I can carry stuff heavier than that!”

“No way!” Jonne replies and puts his foot down. “Now get that upstairs and when you are there, stay there so you can tell everyone where you want your stuff to go.”

I glare at Jonne for bossing me around, but Tommi had warned me about it. I haul the box upstairs and put it on the floor in my new room. A few boxes had already arrived and so had my desk and chair, which they had placed in the middle of the room. It can’t stay there and I push it under the window. That way, I make the most of the daylight getting into the room.

“Where do you want these?” Tommi steps into the room carrying a box marked 'study books' and I direct him over to the desk. Maybe Jonne’s idea that I supervise them is a good one after all. They are not organized at all! Next, is Jay with more books and after thirty minutes my room is stuffed to the gills with boxes. “How am I going to get this sorted out?” I stare at the pile in horror.

“You have lots of time to unpack,” Jonne says, who is panting softly. “That fucking elevator has great timing. It knew we were moving today so it decided to break down!”

“But everything is a mess! You can’t even see the bed anymore because of the clothes on it!”

“Just dump them on the floor when you go to bed,” Jonne comments and winks. “We should thank Antti and Jay for their help. Are you coming along?”

“But there is still so much left to do in here!” Jonne isn’t paying me attention though and simply drags me along with him into the living room where Tommi, Antti, and Jay are having coffee. I am surprised it is nothing stronger than that.

Jonne must have seen my surprise because he says, “I don’t keep much alcohol at home. Drinking problems run in the family and you know how bad Ville got toward the end.” I wonder if he is telling me the whole truth because he isn’t looking me in the eye when he says that. Jonne makes a bad liar. I didn’t know though that Jonne has a problem with alcohol. “And why do you…?” I am afraid to overstep a boundary and stop talking. I don’t want to offend Jonne in any way. He has been too nice to me for me to repay him like that.

Jonne doesn’t seem upset however. “I don’t drink often, but when I do, then...something bad happens to me. I lose control and stop caring. It doesn’t matter what happens around me. I don’t want to experience that again. Do you understand?”

I nod. I do. I get that way when I smoke pot.

“Do you want coffee too?” Tommi asks and offers me a mug.

“Thanks,” I whisper shyly and take the mug from him. I can deal with Jonne being nice to me, but I expect Tommi to start lecturing me all the time. It was that way when I fucked up with Heijaste.

Jonne sits down on the couch and gestures for me to join him. I sit down next to him and wonder what to do. Antti is staring at me and Tommi seems puzzled. What did I do wrong this time?

“I don’t get it… Why didn’t anyone see it earlier?” Antti remarks. “Jonne, five years ago you looked exactly like Eero does today!”

“Thanks,” Jonne says venomously. “Thanks for telling me that I look old and rumpled.”

I want to assure Jonne that it is not the case, but Antti seems to have his own ways to deal with a sulking Jonne. The redhead puts his mug onto the coffee table, sneaks towards Jonne, and starts tickling his sides.

Jonne barely manages to put his mug into safety and then tries to fight Antti off. The bass player seems to have eight arms instead of just two and manages to stay on top of the game.

“Kids, stop it! If you keep that up at least one of you will end up in the hospital and I did enough driving and hauling about today!” Tommi looks annoyed, but his eyes glimmer with merriment.

Antti stops messing about and leans against Jonne so he can catch his breath. “I am badly out of shape!”

Jonne giggles as he pants heavily. “You need more practice.”

“Don’t worry, I will get that. Arttu is coming home. That is going to be bad!”

Antti is grinning though, so it can’t be that bad! “Who is Arttu?” I ask softly.

Antti rests his head against the comfort of the couch and grins. “My younger brother… He is about your age…”

I file that information away for later should I need it. “Is he visiting?”

“No, moving in. He is driving our parents insane since he is high maintenance and I wonder how long I will last. He keeps going all the time. I wonder where he gets the energy from. He has always been that way, otherwise I would think he is doing drugs, but no, it is a normal and everlasting high!” Antti shakes his head. “I hope I will survive. If not, don’t bury me, I want to be cremated!”

I can’t help laughing. Antti is funny. “I’m sure you will survive...somehow.”

“Just wait until you meet him!” Antti says and wags a finger at me. “You don’t have the energy either to keep up with him!”

I doubt I will ever meet Arttu though, so I nod and say, “Sure, no problem.” I feel Tommi’s wondering gaze on me and my smile freezes on my face. I quickly compose myself and stare into my coffee again. I don’t want to draw Tommi’s attention to me period.

Jay saves the day. “So are you guys throwing Eero a welcoming party?”

My head jerks upwards and I stare at the drummer in shock. What kind of party is he talking about? No, throwing me a party is a bad, bad, idea and we are not going there.

“Great thinking!”

Jonne agrees to my absolute horror. No, Jonne...that is bad, bad thinking!

Even Tommi nods. “We can do that…and invite our friends over. I am getting tired of having to tell them that Eero is our brother all the time. We should get them together and tell everyone at once!”

I shake my head and stare at Tommi in disbelief. He can’t be serious!

“It will be fun!” Antti declares and nods. “I will bring Arttu along so you can get to know him!”

“Jonne, no…” I am still shaking my head.

“But why?” Jonne must realize that I am truly upset and moves closer. “What’s wrong?”

Why doesn’t he see my problem? Do I have to spell it out to him in their presence? Apparently I do since Jonne isn’t catching on. “What do people do at a party?”

“They party and have fun!” Antti says and gives me the weirdest look ever. “Don’t you like to have fun?”

Jonne gasps however and seems to have caught on. “Eero, there won’t be anything stronger than beer and if I catch anyone smuggling in pot, he will be thrown out right away. There won’t be any drugs.”

I am relieved to hear it, but I am still not convinced. There will be many people who know me and will remember the way I misbehaved in the past. I would rather not face them.

“We will have a small party,” Tommi says firmly. “To make a statement and show that we are starting over again...the four of us.”

“Will Ville be there too?” Jay asks.

Jonne nods. “He gets some time off next weekend. Maybe Saturday would be a good day to have that party?”

Antti is enthusiastic as well. “Arttu arrives Thursday so I can bring him along! This is way cool!”

I gaze pleadingly at Jonne, but he shakes his head.

“Eero, trust me, everything will be just fine. We will have fun. I will even stay close if that makes you feel more comfortable.”

Tommi, Jonne, Antti, and Jay watch me expectantly and suddenly realize that I have the last say in this matter. If I tell them ‘no’, they won’t have the party, but then I will feel guilty as hell. In the end, I sigh. “Okay, you can organize the party.” But I won’t promise to be there all the time. If I don’t like it, I will hide in my room!

“Thanks, I am sure you will have a good time,” Jonne says and he pulls me into his arms. Continuing in a whisper, he adds, “You can’t run away forever, Eero, you know that. You have to face everyone, but you don’t have to do it alone.”

I nod against his shoulder. Rationally, I know that, but my heart finds it hard to accept that I have a family now.

~~~

Later that evening, after Antti and Jay left, I try to sort out the mess that is my room. It wasn’t this bad at my old place! It is chaos in here! Despondent, I sit down on the floor and stare at the boxes. Why did I bring my books along? It is not like I still need them!

“You have your work cut out in here,” Tommi says as he walks over to me. I move to rise from the floor, but Tommi gestures for me to remain seated as he sits down next to me. “I am really happy you accepted Jonne’s invitation to move in.”

The last thing I had expected today was for Tommi to come here and talk to me. Does he want something from me? Or did I do something wrong?

“I noticed something that worries me,” Tommi continues and cocks his head to look at me. I need every ounce of my strength to return that look and not crumble beneath it. I don’t want to seem weak all the time! “Are you scared of me for some reason?” Tommi shakes his head in wonder. “Did I do something that upset you? I apologized for the things I said that evening. Do you still feel hurt about that?”

What am I to say to that? It is not just what happened that evening. I feel much more hurt than Tommi can ever imagine and I can’t tell him. I don’t want to seem ungrateful...not after what he did for me. “You are just imagining it.”

“I am not!” Tommi states firmly and raises a hand.

I flinch and quickly move away from him as that movement awakens old instincts. “Don’t!” I inch away from him until I end up with my back against the wall. I raise my arms to protect my head and wait for things to happen. “Please don’t!”

Tommi gasps and doesn’t seem to move at first. I lower my arms a little to look at him. I am stunned to see such shock on his face. If he doesn’t move, maybe it is safe for me to lower my arms completely, but I am not moving. I need the distance between us.

Tommi blinks, shakes his head, and lowers his arm. “I just wanted to hug you,” he whispers in shock. “You thought...you thought that I would hit you!” Tommi shakes his head again and stares at me upset. “Eero, I would never...I would never raise my hand against you! I would never hit you...damn it...I…”

I feel guilty for upsetting him, but I can’t help reacting that way. Being hit was part of my life for a long time and I never shed the reflexes. “I am sorry...I didn’t do it on purpose…” I peek at Tommi from beneath my hair and am relieved that he doesn’t appear angry...just upset.

Tommi swallows hard and looks at me. “Jonne mentioned that you had got beaten up at the home. If you don’t want to talk about that, I will accept it, but…”

I guess I owe him some sort of explanation. “A social worker beat me up, yes. It lasted for a year, then he was transferred to another home and it stopped.” Tommi is still staring at me in shock...why?

“Did you say a year? A whole year?”

“Yes, a year,” I confirm Tommi’s question. I thought that I had been clear enough.

“And no one helped you? No one caught on?” Tommi’s voice is full of disbelief.

I shrug. “Some social workers probably knew.”

“And they did nothing?”

Tommi sounds aggressive and I don’t like the edge to Tommi’s voice right now.

“How old were you at that time?”

“Eleven…” I wish Tommi would stop staring at me like that.

“I am sorry,” Tommi says all of a sudden. He seems to compose himself and continues, “I don’t want to scare you. I am just angry with the people running the home. They should have intervened.”

But they didn’t. I lower my gaze and whisper, "I am sorry I overreacted just now.”

“It wasn’t your fault. You just acted on past experiences, but Eero…” I hold my breath when Tommi moves closer and eventually sits in front of me. “I will never hit you. I will never hurt you. Please try to believe that. I would never hurt my brother.”

I nod. “I believe you, Tommi. It is just reflexes.” But for one moment I did think that he was going to hit me. Was it just a reflex thinking that when I saw him raise his arm?

“Can I hug you?”

For one moment, I think that I had misheard, but Tommi looks at me in such a way that I realize I got it right. Gingerly, I nod. I still find it hard to believe that Tommi cares about me in such a way. A moment later, his arms close around me in a loose embrace and he pulls me against him. I allow it and tell myself to relax and rest my head against his shoulder. I can do this...I can defeat those ugly demons from the past. If I want a happier life, I must!

“Thanks for trusting me,” Tommi whispers in my ear. “I am beginning to understand just how much it takes for you to let me in.”

I wonder if he does. I had told him about the beatings and he might know about the abuse that had gone on in the foster family, but I doubt he knows the full extent of it and I want to keep it that way. I don’t want him to feel grossed out every time he touches me. I don’t want to see *that* look on his face...or Jonne’s. Now that I have a family who cares about me, I don’t want to lose them.

~~~

Thirty minutes later, Jonne knocks on the door. I think it is odd that he does that. “Yes, you can come inside.” I know why he is here. I had heard Tommi and him talk about the things I had told Tommi and Jonne is probably here to check on me.

“Are you still unpacking? Sure, you have a lot more boxes to empty, but it is nine in the evening. Why don’t you take a break?”

Jonne sounds concerned alright, but I continue to remove my study books from the box they are in. “What do you think I should do with these? Maybe sell them? They might fetch some money.” Jonne joins me at the desk and looks at the books I am holding in my hands. “I don’t need them anymore.”

“Are you sure about that? You can go back to the university if you want to. That is always an option.”

I shake my head. “I would fuck up again and then I would let you down as well. I don’t want that. I will get a job so I can earn some money. That way I can pay rent.” Jonne sighs and the next moment, his hands settle around my waist. Slowly he turns me around so I have to look at him.

“You don’t have to pay rent, Eero. You are living with your family. If you really want to get a job then I won’t stop you, but keep the money you make. Eero, can I be honest with you?”

I nod and wonder what will come next.

“It is not the subject I wanted to discuss when I came in here, but we need to talk about this too. Won’t you consider going back to your studies? You have a good head on your shoulders and it would be a waste to throw it all away. Why don’t you give it another shot? Your life is calmer now. You have people who support you...a family...and I believe that you can do this.”

During his speech, Jonne looks me in the eye and I can’t look away...not when he is looking at me like that. “Jonne, I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You won’t. I will back you up whatever you decide to do, but I would like you to give this another chance. You have nothing to lose, Eero.”

I would love to go back to studying, but do I have what it takes? I thought I did when I had enrolled before the drugs took hold of me, but can I still do it? “I need to think about it.”

Jonne nods. “It is still a few weeks until you can enroll for the new semester anyway so take your time.”

I don’t like the silence that settles on the room and I gather my courage. “Tommi told you what happened, didn’t he?” Jonne gazes at me encouragingly. He is obviously pleased that I’m addressing the matter myself without him having to pressure me into it.

“He did. He is very upset because you thought he was going to hit you. He understands why you reacted in that way, but it still distresses him. He also blames himself for not knowing about you earlier. He would have gotten you out one way or another.”

“He couldn’t know about me. He shouldn’t blame himself for something like that.”

“Eero, I want to bring something up that might upset you, but I want to mention it.”

I don’t know if I like where this is going, but I tell myself to face whatever Jonne’s going to tell me. “What is it?”

“How about counseling? I brought it up before, but you didn’t want it at the time. Maybe you can give it more thought. I really think you will benefit from it.”

I look away. “I don’t want to talk about my past. I want to forget about it, not bring it to the surface again.”

“I understand that, but if you don’t, it will continue to simmer beneath the surface and it will pull you down again. You are precious to me, Eero. I don’t want you to feel like that.”

“Precious?” I raise my head to look at Jonne and wish he had entered my life when I had needed him the most, which was around nine when the nightmare had started. He would have kept me safe, I know that. “I am sorry that I am causing problems.”

“You are not causing problems, Eero. We just want to help.” Jonne wraps me up in his arms and it becomes easier for me to accept the embrace every time he does that. This time, I press myself tightly against him and wrap my arms around him in turn. “I want to hold on and never let go,” I whisper and am shocked to hear me say the words aloud when I had only wanted to think them.

“I know the feeling,” Jonne answers softly and tightens his hold. “And I want you to know that whatever happens, I won’t let go. I’ll be there to catch you.”

“Thanks,” I whisper in a raw voice. Emotions choke up my throat and I can’t say more than that. I hope Jonne feels how much I have come to love him during the last few weeks and I think he does.

TBC

Part 2

“Stop it! Stop it! No, I don’t want you to!” I scream myself awake like so many nights before. This time, something is different though: I am not alone.

“Hey, you had a nightmare, Eero. Everything is fine. You are safe.”

Jonne wraps his arms around me and I press tightly against him. “Don’t go away again.”

“Don’t worry, I will stay close.”

Jonne rocks me and the nightmare loses its grip on me. Since I am sitting up, I have a good view of the doorway and I see Tommi standing there. I thought that he had gone home earlier, but he must have slept on the couch instead.

“Everything is fine,” Jonne coos and continues to rock me. “You are safe with me.”

Tommi hesitantly makes his way over to my bed and sits down on the side of it. I am not sure I want him here. Trusting Jonne is already a great achievement as far as I am concerned and trusting Tommi means even harder work for me.

“What was the dream about?” Tommi asks softly. It is obvious that he is worried, but his tone tells me that he won’t pressure me into telling them. “Maybe talking about it helps,” he adds.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Or remember it again. I am working hard on forgetting those things, but so far, it isn’t working...yet. “Just hold me please.”

“I am not letting go,” Jonne says and rubs my back. “I promised to catch you, didn’t I?”

He did and I am glad he is here now. “I am sorry I woke you...again.” I’d had nightmares regularly since I had moved in and I had waken Jonne once a week at the very least.

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t mind comforting you.” Jonne strokes my hair and I close my eyes to savor the touch.

“Still, it is hardly fair that you have to rush to my bedside every other night.” I feel guilty about it, but I don’t want to go to counseling either. I am scared that it will make things worse.

“That is what brothers are for…” Jonne says. “I am going to sleep here.” Jonne lowers me onto my back again and lies down next to me. “You can have my bed if you want to,” he tells Tommi.

“No thanks, I will stay too.”

I frown at Tommi’s replay. Sure, he spends many nights at Jonne’s place, but he never offered to sit with me before. From where I am safely hidden away in Jonne’s arms, I glance at him. He seems truly worried.

“Suit yourself,” Jonne replies and makes himself more comfortable. Then he looks at me, and says, “I wish you would consider seeing that counselor, Eero. You are hurting yourself by not seeing him.”

I close my eyes and ignore his statement. Why can’t he understand that I am scared that things will deteriorate once I do that? I was a mess back then and I don’t want to lose myself ever again. Jonne takes to stroking my hair and I relax enough to fall asleep again and hopefully without having another nightmare.

~~~

When I wake up the next morning, Jonne is in the kitchen reading a magazine. Breakfast is still on the table, but he had already eaten. “Am I late?” I shuffle my feet nervously as I stand in the doorway. I had managed to sleep through the rest of the night without having any nightmares thanks to Jonne holding me.

“No, you are not. You are right on time. Sit down. Are you hungry?” Jonne puts the magazine away and looks at me. He expects me to eat.

I sit down on the kitchen chair, pull up my feet, and wrap an arm around my knees. I am not hungry, but Jonne will be disappointed if I don’t eat anything. “Maybe some toast.”

Jonne puts bread into the toaster and pours coffee into my mug. He adds lots of sugar to it and some milk, which he has done ever since he found out that I like my coffee that way. “Did you get some sleep too?” Maybe then, I will feel less guilty for clinging to him all night.

“Best sleep ever,” Jonne says and winks at me. “Don’t worry about it. I slept just fine.”

Looking about, I wonder about Tommi. “Where is Tommi?”

“He left for work. He might have dinner with us though.” Jonne puts the toast onto my plate. “What do you want to do today?”

I put butter and jam on the toast and nibble on it. I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe unpack the rest of my things?”

“We can do that, but I don’t want to be stuck indoors all day. The weather is too good for that. It is actually dry and sunny. Now that we are getting close to winter, these autumn days will become less and less.”

“Where do you want to go?” I finish my toast and raise an eyebrow when Jonne puts a second slice onto my plate. I comply though and add butter and cheese to it.

“Maybe we can go shopping? You still need some things for your room.”

“I do?” I didn’t know that. “Like what?”

“Book shelves for example. You can’t stack your books on the floor like that.”

It worked for me in the past, but Jonne doesn’t seem to like it. “Okay,” I whisper in-between bites. Heading into town would be good since I really need to check what is left of my bank account. I fear the worst though. At the moment I’m not getting any money since I am no longer a student and am not working either. Insurance and taxes still need to be paid and it would be good to know just how bad my financial situation is. “We can do that.”

“And maybe have a donut at Arnold’s!” Jonne’s eyes shine with mirth and I nod. Sure, we can do that. Why not?

~~~

After breakfast, I shower quickly and dress in my favorite pair of red jeans. I add a black t-shirt and a green shirt over it and I am ready to go. Jonne however isn’t and I watch him putting on his make-up in the bathroom. I haven’t used any in a while and maybe I should.

I make my way over to the shelf that holds my things and search for my make-up stuff. I add eyeliner and mascara and the result actually pleases me. I am still pale, but I don’t tan easily at any rate and when I do, I burn and after the skin peels away, I get pale skin again.

“Looking good!” Jonne comments. “Maybe a hint of eye shadow though?” The look he gives me shows that he is eager to apply some and I nod. I can’t deny him. I really want to please him. So he adds eye shadow. “Perfect!” Jonne smiles happily. “Are you ready to go?”

I check my shoulder bag and take hold of my wallet. I am going to check my bank account at the first cash dispenser we encounter. “I’m ready.” Jonne takes my hand and we go into the hallway where he slips into a black jacket. After Jonne pockets the keys, he gives me an odd look.

“Remind me to get you a key too. Ville and Tommi have their keys and I want you to have your own too, especially since you live here.”

“I will try not to forget it,” I say and smile. It feels good to have a home.

~~~

I stare at the display in complete and utter shock. It is much worse than I had thought. I had accumulated debt during the last six months and owe the bank a whopping eight hundred euro. How am I going to pay them back?

“It can’t be that bad,” Jonne says and moves closer. “May I have a look?”

“Sure, why not. I am in trouble...big time.” I really need a job! If I don’t get one, my debt to the bank will grow.

Jonne looks at the display and says soothingly, “It is not *that* bad. We can fix that!”

“Still...I need a job. I need to earn some money. I was never indebted to the bank before. I never had much money, but I had managed!” I put my bankcard away and march away from the cash dispenser. I am so broke that it’s not funny. I can’t even buy a donut if I want to!

“Wait for me!” Jonne manages to catch up with me and hooks his arm with mine. “It is not the end of the world, Eero. We can fix this.”

“*I* need to fix it, Jonne. You already did enough for me. I don’t want you having to pay for everything!” I am upset about this. My life wasn’t a success so far, but I had always managed my money!

“Eero? Please…” Jonne pulls me toward him and turns me around. I want to free myself of his embrace since I am angry with myself, but Jonne shakes his head. “Eero, don’t feel guilty about this. You were ill and your finances were the last thing on your mind! No one blames you for that and you shouldn’t feel guilty either. Understood?”

“Jonne, you can’t clean up after me for the rest of my life!”

“Eero, you were ill. What part of that sentence don’t you understand? Let Tommi look into your finances. He will sort everything out. Please, Eero?”

“Jonne, I…” The look Jonne gives me makes me speechless. Damn it, I can’t deny him when he looks at me like that. “Okay, Tommi can have a look at it, but I still think I should clean up the mess I made.”

“You didn’t make a mess, Eero. Why is it so damn hard to make you understand? You didn’t screw up! You were ill!”

Jonne’s outburst takes me aback. I had never heard him use that tone before and I lower my gaze, feeling even guiltier. “I am sorry…”

“Oh Eero...I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I am just frustrated because I can’t get through to you!” Jonne hugs me tight and I start to tremble. Maybe Jonne is right and I need counseling after all. I don’t want him to get upset over me! Jonne raises my head with a finger under my chin and smiles reassuringly at me. “Want to make it up to me?” I nod. Of course I do! “Let me take you shopping and don’t complain if I spend money on you!” Jonne states and grins.

Jonne doesn’t make this easy on me, does he? We had just had a conversation about money and then he demands I let him spend it at will. I sigh and nod once. “Okay, I won’t complain.”

“That is great!” Jonne grows enthusiastic. “Let’s shop!”

~~~

I ended up carrying our bags of course. I had wanted to object every time Jonne bought me something, but he would give me *that* look and I would shut up. I had promised not to nag, didn’t I? So I ended up with a new pair of jeans, shirts, a beanie, and a black jacket… That’s what Jonne had gotten me clothing-wise. He had also purchased a bookcase, which they will deliver one of these days, claiming that I needed it.

We sit down and Jonne orders his favorite donut while he watches me curiously. I decide to play it safe and get the same one Jonne is having along with coffee. I had promised not to comment on Jonne spending his money on me, but I didn’t promise not to bring up the upcoming party. “Jonne, about that party...I don’t think you should do it.”

Jonne bites into his donut and since it is filled with strawberry jam, he ends up licking it from his fingers. “Give me a good reason why.”

“A good reason? Jonne, I don’t know who you want to invite, but chances are I offended them one way or another.”

“You can’t run away, Eero. I thought you had realized that by now?” Jonne curses when more jam drips from the remains of his donut. “That reason isn’t good enough for me.”

Frustrated, I glare at my donut, which I haven't touched yet. “I will embarrass you…”

“You won’t.” Jonne places his hand on top of mine. “Sure, things will be awkward at first, but the people who *do* show up are your friends. They know that this is about you and welcoming you into the family. The people who don’t want anything to do with you won’t be there. They aren’t your real friends and you can do without them!”

I have the feeling that whatever reason I come up with won’t be good enough for Jonne. “I am scared,” I admit in the end. “I don’t want to face them.”

“I understand that you feel intimidated, but Eero, you need to do this. You have to face them. Otherwise, you can never leave the past behind you. Do this for yourself. Give yourself that chance, please.”

Jonne is going to win the argument and he knows it. I nod reluctantly. “But I might want to leave the party at one point. I don’t know what will happen and...please don’t be angry with me when I go to my room.”

“You decide how much you can take, but Eero, the party is about having fun. Don’t be afraid that it will be torture for you. And don’t forget, Ville will be there too!”

My mood lifts at that. “I am looking forward to seeing him!”

“We will surprise him and collect him at the train station! He will be glad to see you too!”

I look at my hand and find our fingers entwined. “I am relieved that Ville is okay with the situation too.”

“More than okay. He is happy that he doesn’t have to hide the truth anymore.”

I was surprised to find out that Ville had known about our relationship. I shouldn’t have been so careless and should have put the documents away. “Jonne, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me and still are doing.” I peek at him and Jonne smoothes my hair away from my face so he can look me in the eye. A month ago, such a gesture would have made me flinch, but now I accept it...savor it actually.

“And thank you for letting me. I know it can’t be easy on you…” Jonne smiles blindingly and I avert my gaze. “I love having you as my brother.” Jonne’s words cause a lump of emotions in my throat and I fight back tears. I can’t believe he said that. It means so much to me! “Don’t cry, Eero. Please don’t. You shed enough tears.” Jonne shifts his chair toward me and pulls me close. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Eero. You make a great brother. I really care about you for who you are and I am honored that you let me in. I know how hard it is for you to trust people.”

Jonne is only making it worse and my tears flow freely now. He is the first person ever to be so positive about me. Usually people push me face down in the dirt by reminding me of my mistakes. “Jonne, you don’t know…” I am at a loss. How do I tell him how important he is to me?

“I get it,” Jonne assures me. “And trust me, I can’t imagine my life without you anymore either.” He pulls me closer and ignores the curious looks we are attracting.

“Thanks, Jonne...for being my big brother.” It is all I am capable of saying with the emotions running through me. Jonne rubs my back and I savor the moment.

~~~

The next day, Tommi shows up around six to join us for dinner. He looks stressed and I judge it best to keep my distance since I don’t want to irritate him. Tommi however seems to have different ideas when he seeks me out in my room. I had left the door ajar and look up from my writing when Tommi peeks inside.

“Can we talk? Or do you want to be alone?”

I put my journal away. I had found it hidden away in a box and had decided to take up writing again. The last entry stems from three years ago when I had moved out of the home. Writing stuff down had helped back then and maybe it will help this time around too. “You can come inside.” There is no use in postponing the conversation if Tommi is set on discussing something with me.

“Thanks!” Tommi sits down at the foot of my bed. “Jonne told me about your money problems.”

I swallow hard and look away. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I just lost control the last few months and since there is no money coming in...I’m indebted to the bank.” Tommi raises his hand, very slowly, I notice, and I know why he is doing that. He doesn’t want to set off my reflexes again.

“I am not here to lecture you or blame you. I am not. I am here to offer my help. And you are right...if there is no money coming in, but going out, then we need to do something about it.”

“I can get a job!” I offer at once and start coughing all of a sudden. I thought the bronchitis had left, but every now and then, it reminds me that it is still there. I manage to get it under control and look at Tommi. He is gazing at me worriedly and he is shaking his head. “What?”

“I don’t want you to exhaust yourself while you are not a hundred percent yet. I will sort it out money wise and we will come up with a solution. I even got one in mind already!”

The way Tommi grins at me makes me nervous. What has he come up with? “What kind of solution?”

“I want you to go back to the university and take up your studies again. If you do, I will support you and give you an allowance of two hundred euro a month. I will also cover the cost of your books and other expenses. There is just one condition: no more dropping out. I want you to get your degree.”

Tommi’s offer takes me aback. “What did you say?”

“You heard me. It is a good offer. A damn good one and I would take it if I were you.”

Tommi looks at me expectantly, but I need a moment to sort out my thoughts. “And what if I fail to meet their standards and get kicked out?”

“Then you will have tried at least, but Eero, I am sure you will do fine. You have peace and quiet to study and a family to support you. This time around, everything is different, don’t you see that?”

“I want to believe that, but...how long will it last? Everyone tires of me eventually.”

Tommi sighs and gives me a look full of disbelief. “I am your brother, Eero. I am not going to kick you out – ever. I would like you to be the best you can and study. At least one member of this family should have some sort of education. But if you decide you want a job, I will help you find one. I just wish you would believe that Jonne, Ville, and I will always be there for you – always!”

Tommi managed the impossible: I believe him. I believe him when he says that they will be there for me and that things have changed. Slowly, I inch closer to Tommi and look at him hesitantly. I lack the courage though to ask him to take me into his arms. Tommi seems to get the idea though and pulls me into a loose embrace. It is my time to open up, no matter how much the thought scares me.

“I never had anyone I could depend on. At the home, they had always changed the caretakers and I never had bonded with any of them. I had hoped that things would be different when that foster family had wanted to take me in, but...I lost the ability to trust after what had happened there and I had thought that I could never trust again. Jonne and you managed the impossible though. I trust you, but at the same time, that scares me witless. I am terrified of losing you and then I will be alone again. Do you understand that?”

“I do. And thanks for telling me those things.” Tommi gives me one last hug and then moves away from me. “Dinner is ready. I hope you are hungry.”

I need a moment to compose myself after the conversation we have just had. Who would have thought I would open up to Tommi of all people? “A little bit, yes.”

“Then let’s join Jonne in the kitchen. He is probably wondering what is taking us.”

Tommi gets to his feet and pulls me to mine as well. I owe him an answer though and I make up my mind that instant. “Tommi?”

Tommi stops walking and turns around. “Yes?”

I can’t believe I am doing this, but I should do this. I might not believe that I can do this if I postpone this decision. “I will go back to the university and I will do my best, but I can’t promise you that I will succeed.”

Tommi’s face lights up with joy. “That’s great! I had hoped you would say that!”

I grow flustered. I wish I had Tommi’s faith in me. I am so scared that I will fuck up again.

~~~

“Eero has something important to tell you,” Tommi says smugly once we are seated around the kitchen table and eating dinner. “Go on, tell him!”

I shake my head at Tommi’s enthusiasm. “It is nothing big,” I tell Jonne. “Tommi convinced me to go back to the university.”

“That *is* big!” Jonne smiles happily. “I think you made the right decision, Eero!”

“We had also talked about my…money problems.” I am surprised that I can talk about these things so freely these days. Jonne and Tommi are getting through to me and I feel more at ease confiding in them. “He will sort it out and I get a monthly allowance as long as I study.”

“I might have phrased that wrong,” Tommi says. “You get that allowance regardless whether you study or not.”

I look at Tommi in surprise. “Are you sure about that?”

“I am sure…” Tommi nods. “Ville gets money from me too and even Jonne does, since I am their manager. Now that you live here, it is normal that we support you.”

Jonne nods. “The Liimatainen clan sticks together!”

I smile fondly at them. “I am beginning to believe that.”

~~~

“Eero?” Jonne stands in the doorway and seems to be trying to find out if his presence is wanted or not.

“You can always come inside,” I tell him and put my journal aside once more. I move to the side of the bed so Jonne can sit down comfortably. “Is anything wrong?”

“No, everything is fine… I just wanted to talk to you before I turn in for the night.” Jonne lies down on his side and searches my face. I wonder what he is searching for. “Tomorrow, I want to fetch some things for the party...and I wanted to ask you if you can help me get everything ready.”

Tomorrow is Friday and I can imagine Jonne doesn’t want to do everything at the last moment. “I will help.”

“Are you really okay with me throwing you this party?”

“I am okay with it. You are right. I can’t run away from this. I have to face them and I will apologize to the people I hurt the most...my former band mates especially *if* they accept the invitation and show up. I know I will never get into the band again, but I should apologize.”

“You can always retire to your room if you need some peace and quiet.”

“I know that…” I move closer to Jonne. “Can you stay until I’m asleep?” I don’t want to be alone tonight.

“Sure.” Jonne makes himself comfortable, opens his arms, and I move into them. “Comfortable?”

I nod against his shoulder. Although I want to go to sleep, I need to tell Jonne something first. “I always wanted someone in my life I could depend on. Someone who would hold me and tell me he cares about me. I was always alone. When Ville entered my life, I was determined to befriend him. I had worked hard on that. I was lucky that Ville liked me in turn and wanted to become my friend, but I could never let him in the way I let you in. There was always this distance... I was afraid Ville would draw the wrong conclusion and think I was in love with him and…” I raise my head and look at Jonne. “Around you, I can be me and I don’t have to worry.”

Jonne nods. “I must admit that I had worried about that. I had wondered if the two of you were more than just friends.”

I shake my head. “I had made sure something like that would never happen. I always knew we were related, remember? I had just wanted a friend – a real friend. I wasn’t looking for a lover.”

Jonne frowns and looks at me questioningly. “I don’t want to appear nosey, but…did you ever have one? A lover, I mean?”

I know why he asks that question since he knows about the sexual abuse that had gone on in that foster family. “Not really,” I reply, unwilling to reveal more than that. I do want one, but I know I could never bear such closeness. Not after what had happened back then. “It is okay. I don’t mind being on my own.”

“Maybe you just didn’t meet the right person yet?” Jonne suggests and strokes my face.

“Jonne...do you have any idea how hard it was for me to accept your touch? You touching my face like this?” I have to make him understand. The last thing I want is for him to hook me up with someone!

Jonne nods. “I think I know how hard it was on you. But you managed, didn’t you? Or does it still make you feel uneasy when I do this?” His hand moves to stroke my hair.

“No, it doesn’t. I am okay with it these days.” More than okay actually. I love it when he does that.

“See!” Jonne exclaims triumphantly. “And I am sure that the right person will also accomplish that.” Jonne cocks his head and smiles at me. “Do you like girls? Or boys? Or both?”

I cough to cover up my embarrassment. Did he really ask me that?

“Eero?”

“I like boys, if you must know.” Jonne won’t stop nagging until I tell him so I had better do this now.

Jonne smiles and nods. “I thought so...just wanted to make sure.”

I don’t like the look on his face however. It almost seems like he is up to something!

TBC

Part 3

“I think we got everything,” Jonne says and checks our stock once more. “We have got soft drinks, non alcoholic beer, and lots of snacks.”

I am still surprised that there won’t be any alcohol. “Do you think anyone will show up since there is no alcohol?”

Jonne shrugs. “I don’t care. Too many people attending are recovering alcoholics and I am not going to tempt them by serving them alcohol! The people who *do* show up are real friends. I can live without the rest.”

He is right, of course. “Do you also want to decorate the place?”

Jonne looks at me and shrugs again. “Do we have to?”

Not really since Jonne’s apartment is inviting as it is. “I guess you are right. What do we do with the rest of the day then? If you don’t need me, I would like to unpack the rest of the boxes.”

“Want me to help?”

“There isn’t that much left to do. Mostly it is clothes which need to be put into the closet.”

Jonne seems disappointed. “Maybe we can do something together later?”

He looks at me like he is hoping I will suggest something. Argh, what am I supposed to say to that? “What would you like to do this evening?”

“Tomorrow everything will turn busy. Maybe we can enjoy our peace and quiet this evening and cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie?”

I am relieved at that. For a moment I was afraid that he wanted to drag me off somewhere. “Sure, we can do that.”

“Or jam!” Jonne suddenly becomes very animated. “We can have our own private jam session!”

I sigh and can’t deny Jonne since he looks so happy right now. “We can jam.”

“You play your guitar and I will get mine and we will sing!”

“You sing. I play.”

Jonne shakes his head though. “You have a good voice too! With some vocal training, you could get far!”

“I love to drum, Jonne…” The thing is, I don’t have a drum set to play. Playing the guitar is a good alternative, but I draw the line at singing. I know that I suck at it.

“Let’s see what happens this evening, alright?”

Jonne doesn’t give up easily and grins at me. I nod. I will find a way to make him sing and me play instead.

~~~

The weather has turned bad. It is raining and I hear thunder in the distance. I am glad I am not stuck out there this time around. It reminds me of the night when Tommi and Jonne found me at the Tammerkoski and took me home with them. Things really changed for me that evening.

“Don’t be so melancholy. Come on, I made hot chocolate.”

Jonne’s voice calls me away from my musings and I join him on the floor of the living room. He had lit candles, turned up the heating, and put our guitars next to the couch. I don’t know what he has planned, but I am on my guard.

“Have some.”

Jonne hands me the hot chocolate and I grin at the huge amount of whipped cream covering it. “You have a sweet tooth,” I say and lick away the cream that is dripping down the rim.

Jonne nods. “I love having hot chocolate when it is rainy and cold outside.”

We drink our hot chocolate and Jonne pushes a plate filled with cookies toward me. I pick one up and nibble on it. “You should stop fattening me up.”

“Nonsense! You needed to add the weight and you know it!” Jonne finishes his hot chocolate before taking hold of his guitar and playing a melody. “Do you miss being in Heijaste?”

“I do,” I reply as I reach for mine. “But I don’t miss being in The Black Jezus.” My fingers caress the strings and I improvise a bit on the melody Jonne is playing. “We sucked big time.”

“What was the problem?”

“Macceus sucks at singing…” I stop playing and sigh deeply. “With Heijaste things were different. We worked hard to make things work. And I was so stupid to throw it away.” Jonne starts playing 'I Remember You' by Skid Row and, since I know that song, I join him. I am not singing though – no fucking way. Jonne sings and glances at me expectantly and I can’t deny him. Like always, I give in and mouth the words.

“You can do better than that,” Jonne says. “I know it. I heard you sing, remember?”

Damn it! I bite on my bottom lip. I don’t want to embarrass myself. When I had sung at that bar, I had been feverish and hardly aware of how I had sounded. Now, it would be worse with having to hear how I fuck up the song.

“Please, Eero? I will sing too…”

I give in like I always do, but my singing is hesitant and awkward. Jonne smiles at me though and sings louder as he nods encouragingly. I sing a little bit louder, but I still suck, no matter what Jonne says. The song ends a few minutes later and I have grown flustered, basically because I really sucked at singing it, and partly because my breathing has sped up. My lungs still haven’t fully recovered from the bronchitis I had.

“That sounded good!” Jonne says enthusiastically. “Do you know this one too?”

Of course I do. It is 'Patience' by Guns N’ Roses. I play along but refuse to sing again. Embarrassing myself once was bad enough.

An hour later, Jonne puts his guitar away, heaves himself onto the couch, and cuddles up there. “I don’t know why you are so insecure about your singing. You have a good voice. It runs in the family, you know.”

I put my guitar aside and sit down at the other end of the couch. I stretch my legs, which ache because I had sat cross-legged for so long. “You don’t have to lie. I know I suck at singing.”

“You don’t, but you won’t believe me anyway.” Jonne sighs. “You should do something with your talent though, be it as a drummer, guitarist, or singer.”

I shrug. “That might be hard considering I don’t have a band anymore.”

“Then get yourself into a new band.” Jonne gets up from the couch, goes into the kitchen, and returns with more hot chocolate. “I am serious. Music runs in the family and you are no exception. It is in your blood too.”

In my heart, I know that Jonne is right, but what am I supposed to do about it? “I have got a bad reputation,” I remind Jonne. “I can’t imagine a band out there willing to take me on.”

“You are always so hard on yourself. Cut yourself some slack instead.” Jonne seems upset.

“It is the truth, Jonne. They know I am bad news.”Jonne closes his eyes, draws in a deep breath, and for one moment, he worries me. “Jonne?”

“Can’t you accept that I believe in you?” Jonne says as he opens his eyes again. There is a tired look in them. “You are not a screw up, Eero. Don’t you get tired of thinking of yourself like that?”

Jonne’s remark makes me feel uncomfortable. No one has confronted me like that before. “I am used to thinking that way.”

“Then change it, Eero.”

“That is easier said than done,” I whisper and avert my gaze. “I have never believed in myself before.”

“I can’t make you believe in yourself,” Jonne says as he gathers my hands between his. “You have to do that yourself, but please, Eero...try!”

I nod, but I am not sure I can actually do that. Too long did I think of myself as a loser.

~~~

I close my journal and put it on the nightstand. Writing everything down really helps me sort out my thoughts and Jonne gave me a lot to think about earlier. He is right on how I think of myself as a loser. I always have. And now he wants me change that. How do I do that? Apparently, he believes in me, but how do I believe in myself?

I have never felt confident in myself. It is hard to feel like that when you grow up in a home where you are just ‘a case’ or in a foster family where the father can’t keep his hands off. I have always heard that I am no good...that I am a bad boy. Later, they didn’t have to say those things anymore. I was already thinking them. Am still thinking them. Even now, there is this little voice in the back of my head telling me that I am a loser...a fuck up that no one will ever love. The thing is though that I know it is not true...at least the last part. Jonne loves me and so does Tommi. They convinced me of that. So what do I tell that voice? And will it shut up if I stand up to it?

Lightening erupts in front of my window and makes me flinch. I am not exactly scared of it, but I wish that it would go away like I want that little voice to go away. I curl up on my side and recall the things Jonne said to me. He believes in me...he loves me. I have a family now that supports me and an older brother who looks out for me. Tommi does a good job, I have to admit that. So shut up and let me be!

To my surprise, the voice in the back of my head *does* shut up and stops taunting me. I know that it is just a temporary victory though, but at least I can control it. That thought soothes me and I manage to fall asleep knowing that I won’t have any nightmares that night.

~~~

“Are you nervous?” Jonne chuckles and I roll my eyes.

“Why should I be nervous? I know Ville. It is not the first time I have seen him!” We are at the train station waiting for Ville’s train to arrive and for some reason Jonne can’t seem to stand still. He keeps moving about.

“But it is the first time you will meet knowing we are a family!”

I sigh. Sometimes Jonne’s enthusiasm can be a bit much to take. “He won’t eat me, will he?” So why should I be nervous?

“Not even a little bit? A tiny bit?” Jonne looks at me pleadingly.

Argh, how does he do that? How can he always make me give in? And so easily at that? “Alright, a little bit then.” I am nervous, but in a good way. I know Ville and that we will get along and like each other.

“That is the train!” Jonne looks about excitedly. The doors haven’t opened yet, but he seems to be searching his surroundings already.

“Jonne, what’s up with you?” I can’t help but wonder about the state he is in!

“I am seeing my brother again! I missed him!” Jonne says and smiles sweetly.

Okay, I give up.

The doors open and Jonne starts running about to find Ville. “There he is! Ville! We are over here!” he shouts and waves at Ville and then fights a way over to Ville, who is grinning. “You are here! Finally!” Jonne wraps his arms around Ville, kisses him on his cheek, and hugs him tight. Ville’s features contort most likely because Jonne is cutting off his air supply and then he pats Jonne on the shoulder.

“You really missed me,” Ville quips smugly. “And now let me breathe!”

“Sorry,” Jonne apologizes. “I am really happy to see you!”

“I noticed that!” Ville laughs. “Where’s Eero? Didn’t you bring him along?”

I draw in a deep breath when Jonne points my location out to Ville. Damn it, Jonne was right all along! I *am* nervous as hell! Ville shoulders his bag and makes his way over to me. The first thing that strikes me when he stands in front of me is the weight he has gained. Muscle, I am guessing. His hair is short, but it is already growing again and it won’t be long until it reaches his shoulders. It is also a bit darker since he probably couldn’t dye it during the last few months. I don’t know what to say as we stare at each other and I pray that he’ll take the initiative because I don’t know what to do.

“Eero...you look great!” Ville suddenly grabs me, hugs me, and now it’s me struggling for air. Bear hugs like this must run in the family! “Let me look at you! You are…” Ville seems lost for words as well, so we stare at each other again.

“Hello Ville,” I manage a minute later. “It is good to see you again looking so healthy and fit.”

“I can say the same thing about you.” Ville shakes his head and chuckles. “It is hard to believe you looked like a mess when I left for the army! Not that I looked much better! We both improved on our looks!”

Ville’s comment breaks the ice and I smile warmly at him. “Jonne and Tommi have everything to do with that.”

Jonne takes hold of Ville’s bag and makes a face when he finds out how heavy it is. Ville laughs, takes his bag from Jonne, and shoulders it. “It is okay. I will carry it. So are we going home? I can’t wait to get out of this uniform and into something decent!” I am surprised when Ville’s fingers curl around mine. I tilt my head and look at him and Ville winks at me.

“Yes, let’s go home. You have lots to tell us!” Jonne calls a taxi and we get inside. Jonne sits down on the passenger seat while Ville and I slide into the backseat.

Ville squeezes my fingers and the gesture makes me look at him again. He looks happy to see me. “I am so glad that I don’t have to act anymore. It was hard to keep the truth. I wanted to tell Jonne and Tommi, but at the same time I didn’t want to hurt your feelings either,” Ville says thoughtfully. “It was so hard to be around you without letting something slip. You are my brother, Eero. We are only eleven months apart!”

I swallow nervously and try to explain my situation to him. “I didn’t think the three of you would be interested in gaining another brother and certainly not one who is the result of an affair. I judged it best to keep my identity a secret, especially after we got along. I didn’t want to lose your friendship...didn’t dare to endanger that.”

Ville nods. “I understand that and to be honest, I wasn’t thinking straight at that time. Too much alcohol clouding my thinking. I am glad I am sober now.” Ville looks at me questioningly. “Are you still smoking pot?”

“No...I quit.”

“That is great!”

And again I am locked in a bear hug, but I don’t mind for it is my brother hugging me!

~~~

“I have nothing to wear!” Ville stands in front of Jonne’s closet and runs a hand through his hair. “Absolutely nothing!”

I giggle. I can’t help it. The closet is stuffed to the gills. “Surely you can find something to wear in there!” Jonne is on his stomach on the bed next to me and we are both watching Ville despair. Standing there in his boxers, it is rather obvious that he has put on weight. Mostly muscle.

“But…” Ville turns around and points his finger at us. “You are already dressed! That is not fair!”

I chuckle softly. Getting dressed had taken Jonne an hour too, but now he is wearing his favorite pair of white jeans and a turquoise shirt that really suits his eye color. “Just grab something,” I advise and just know I won’t get away with it.

“Just grab something? No way, I want to look stylish!” Ville raises an eyebrow and points at my outfit. “You can do better than that too!”

I shake my head at Ville’s behavior. One could think he is the youngest and not me! “What’s wrong with my outfit?” I am wearing some old, bleached jeans with holes in them and my favorite green shirt. I look just fine!

“Well,” Ville starts and rolls his eyes. “The jeans are okay since the holes are at all the right places.”

I blink in surprise. “What?” Next to me, Jonne bursts into laughter.

“But the shirt is kind of...boring…” Ville says and shrugs his shoulders. “I am sure we will find something more...interesting...in Jonne’s closet.”

“And what do you suggest I wear?” I happen to like my green shirt! I think it is sexy!

“How about something in pink?” Ville suggest and shows me a shirt.

“No way!” I am putting my foot down! I am not wearing pink!

“How about my mesh shirt?” Jonne suggests, but Ville shakes his head. “Why not?”

“Eero has worn that too often…” Ville stares at the piled clothes and then removes two T-shirts from it. “Put these on. Both of them. The white one first and then the black one.”

I humor him and remove my green shirt and put the T-shirts on. The black one has holes in it so the white peeks through. “Are you satisfied now?”

“Not yet,” Jonne says and gets involved as well. “You need accessories!”

I decide not to object. They won’t leave me alone until they are satisfied. Jonne returns carrying a black shawl and rings. I put them on and Jonne wraps the shawl around my neck.

“I like it!” Jonne says and nods. “Too bad it is too warm for you to wear my black leather jacket! It would look good on you!”

Jonne pulls me to my feet and in front of the large mirror standing in the corner. I grin at him. “Do I look like a Liimatainen now?” Suddenly my grin freezes on my face. What did I say just now? I am *not* a Liimatainen and will never be one!

I don’t know if Jonne noticed my sudden mood swing, but he wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder. Looking me in the eye, he says, “You do. You really do! Can’t you see the resemblance? Look at the mirror and see for yourself.”

I look at our joined reflection and for the first time ever, I see the resemblance too. It is true: our features are much alike. “You are right.” Ville then steps into view as well and wraps his arms around the both of us, making me smile. All that is missing now is Tommi.

“Guys,” Ville says and his face becomes melodramatic. “I still have nothing to wear!”

Jonne and I burst out laughing and I have to wipe my tears in the end. “Okay, let’s find you something to wear too!”

Ville decides to dress in black and white too and even put on a beanie. Now that we are ready to start the party, I follow Jonne into the kitchen and help him put the snacks on plates and in bowls. I keep glancing at him and I wonder.

“What is on your mind, Eero?”

Jonne’s voice pulls me away from my thoughts and I shrug. “I don’t know what to think of any of this. I am happy to be part of your family, but somehow it seems unreal. Do you know what I mean? It is like I will wake up from this dream any moment now and then I will find myself in a nightmare instead.”

Jonne walks toward me and halts in front of me. “I know what you mean. Sometimes, I feel the same way. I used to have two brothers, now I have three. When you ran away that evening, I was scared that I would never see you again. I want you in my life, Eero, and Ville and Tommi feel the same way.”

I nod in understanding. I do understand...I really do. “I won’t run away again.”

Jonne smiles gratefully. “That is great… So how do you feel about the party now? Do you feel a bit more comfortable?”

“In a way, yes. It helps that Ville and you are backing me up.”

“And Tommi too, but he won’t get here for another hour. He has some sort of meeting.”

“Jonne, if...if things get too much, don’t be angry when I leave the party, please?”

“Don’t worry about that. You decide what you can handle and what not!”

Jonne ruffles my hair and it makes me chuckle. I want to thank him for being so understanding, but I don’t get the chance to do so because the doorbell rings. Our first guest has arrived.

Thirty minutes later, several guests have arrived and I am stunned that they are actually here. Jonne had told everyone that they are throwing this party because of me and to welcome me into their family, but I didn’t expect anyone to show up. Jay was the first one to arrive and minutes later Nakki and his girlfriend had shown up. Teemu, Larry, and Matti and his girlfriend had been next. Jonne introduced me to them as his brother. I had blushed every time he had done that.

Ville’s band mates from Flinch have shown up as well and Ville had proudly pulled me along to tell them who I *really* was. I don’t know who is more pleased about us being related since Jonne and Ville both look smug.

“Sorry I am late, but I had this last minute meeting!”

I instantly recognize Tommi’s voice and turn around to greet him, but then the smile freezes on my face. He isn’t alone. My former band mates from Heijaste are standing next to him. I am unable to move and wish the earth would open and swallow me. I don’t want to face them...I had fucked up so bad!

“I hope you don’t mind, but I brought some friends along. They actually want a word with you…” Tommi nods at Viljami and then heads toward Jonne to get himself a drink.

I stare at the floor, unable to face them or look them in the eye. I had failed them.

“Hello, Eero,” Viljami says in his usual excited voice. “How are you doing?”

“Better,” I whisper in a tiny voice. “Thanks to Jonne and Tommi.” I still can’t look at them. I feel too ashamed.

“Tommi talked to us,” A-J comments and takes a step towards me. “It seems like a lot of things happened to you lately.”

I nod and take a step backwards. “It did.”

“Hey, we don’t bite! You know us!” A-J retorts.

Of course I know Viljami, A-J, and Juho, but I also know that I had fucked up. “What are you doing here?” I didn’t want to ask them that, but I really wonder why they are here.

“You know that Tender is filling in for you at the moment?” Viljami asks and I nod. Of course I do. Tampere isn’t that big a city and news travels fast. “I want you to know that it is only temporary.”

I raise my head and finally have the guts to look at them. Viljami is smiling at me and A-J has this lazy look on his face, which I know only too well. “What?”

“Tommi told us what had happened and we talked about Heijaste’s future. We want you to be a part of it. We started out together and we had some good times,” Viljami explains. “And we are giving you a time-out until you feel ready to join the band again.”

I am staring at them with wide eyes. I can’t believe what I am hearing. “You are giving me a second chance?”

A-J nods. “We all fuck up at times. And everyone deserves a second chance. You too.”

I can’t believe I can be this lucky. “Are you sure you still want me?”

Viljami nods. “We do. Tell us when you think you are ready to join the band again.”

Viljami pulls me into a hug and I freeze up on him. I can’t believe they have forgiven me for the shit I put them through. “Just work through everything that happened to you. We are waiting for you,” Viljami says and smiles at me. He probably realizes that I need a moment to compose myself and gestures for his band mates to follow him into the kitchen.

My gaze shifts towards Tommi and his grin tells me that he knows what happened just now. “You did this,” I say and walk over to him.

“I plead guilty,” Tommi replies and raises his glass to toast me. “Welcome back to the band, little brother.”

Does he have any idea how much it means to me that he talked to them? “You got me back in.”

Tommi shrugs. “The guys didn’t need much convincing once they heard that you are sober. Their biggest concern was you doing drugs and I told them that drugs weren’t an issue anymore. You have to keep it that way, though, Eero. You can’t go back to smoking pot all day and staying away from harder stuff.”

“Will you kick my ass if I don’t?” I know the answer already.

“I will kick it so hard that you won’t be able to sit for days!” Tommi waves a finger at me in warning and I smile.

I knew he would say that. “Thanks, Tommi. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that.”

“Don’t get sentimental on me!” Tommi pulls me close and I go into his arms most willingly. “I am your big brother. I will look out for you alright?” I nod and savor the hug a little longer. I don’t know what I did to earn someone like Tommi as my brother, but I am grateful nonetheless.

“Aatamilas in da house!”

The yell takes me by complete surprise since I am still trying to understand what Tommi has done for me when Antti arrives. Looking toward the entrance, I see that he isn’t alone. Ah yes, didn’t he say he was going to bring his brother along? What was his name again...Arttu? I look at the younger Aatamila and find he looks quite different from his brother.

Arttu doesn’t have dreads like Antti. He has shoulder length hair, which has been dyed dark red. The color suits him. His complexion is rather pale, but his cheeks glow. Dressed in black jeans and a black long sleeve, he couldn’t look more different from Antti, who is sporting his colorful tattoos.

Jonne walks towards them and hugs Antti. They whisper amongst themselves and I get the feeling that it would be better for me to hide somewhere safe. Jonne has a wicked gleam in his eyes, which worries me. Halfway hidden behind Tommi, I watch Antti introduce Arttu to Jonne and the two of them shake hands.

“So where is Eero?” Antti looks about in search for me. “After all, this is his party!”

Tommi gives me an odd look when he finds me close to him and quickly catches on that I am trying to hide. “Who from?” he asks and grins. I point toward Antti and his younger brother and Tommi nods in understanding. “Ah yes, Antti is bad enough, but now there is actually two of them. I would be scared too.” Wow, that is encouraging!

Jonne suddenly looks straight at me and I know it is too late for me to run. He gestures for me to join him and I stall as long as I can, but eventually I make my way over there. Antti is grinning at me and Arttu finally catches on too. “Hello,” I say shyly and wish I were anywhere but here.

“Ah there you are!” Antti grabs my hand and shakes it rather wildly. “Lots of people in here!”

I look about and blink. Antti is right. I didn’t think it would get that crowded.

“Hey, I want you to meet Arttu! I told you about my brother, remember?” Antti pushes Arttu forward. Arttu grins and offers me his hand in greeting.

“Hello, Arttu,” I whisper and stare at his hand for a moment before I shake it.

“So you are Eero. Antti told me a bit about you. Who would have thought that there is a fourth Liimatainen brother out there?”

I want to correct him and point out that I am not a Liimatainen, but Jonne speaks first. “Ah yes, we kept the best for last,” he quips and gestures for Antti to follow him to the bar, which leaves me standing there alone with Arttu.

Arttu cocks his head, smiles at me, and seems to be waiting for something. I have no idea what for though since thinking is hard for me at the moment. I can’t stop staring at him. I have been in love twice in my life and Arttu is just my type. Damn, why is this happening to me now? I don’t want to like him! It will only cause problems!

“Aren’t you going to offer me a drink?” Arttu inquires and his green eyes twinkle impishly.

I avert my gaze and swallow hard. I am co-hosting this party and should offer him a drink. “We don’t serve alcohol though.”

“That is okay. A diet coke will do too.”

Arttu stuns me when he winks at me, takes my hand, and leads me away from the doorway and toward the bar. What is he up to?

TBC

Part 4

Jonne gives me the weirdest look ever when I join him in the kitchen to get Arttu his drink. Maybe it is because Arttu is still holding my hand. “Can I have a diet coke?” Jonne hands me one, I open it, and give it to Arttu. “Do you need a glass to go with it?” Arttu shakes his head and drinks from the bottle.

“So Arttu, you are moving in with Antti permanently?” Jonne asks when I remain silent.

Arttu nods eagerly. “Yes, I finally managed to talk our parents into letting me live with him!”

“You will be living on the wild side then!” Jonne sips his drink and eyes Arttu carefully. Why do I have the feeling that Jonne is up to something?

“Not really...I don’t know what Antti told you, but I am not that big a party animal. Sure, I like to party and have a drink, but that is about it.” Arttu shrugs. “I love my parents too much to hurt them so I behave.”

“That might be hard around Antti though,” Jonne points out. “At the moment, he is convincing people to play Truth or Dare with him.”

Arttu chuckles. “I won’t play for sure! I know about the dirty tricks which he pulls on his poor victims!”

I feel a bit lacking since Jonne has to carry on the conversation, but I can’t help feeling shy. It is been a while since I instantly liked someone and I am trying hard to crush these feelings.

“Are you in a band too?” Jonne wants to know. He gives me a puzzled look and I quickly look away. I don’t trust my voice at the moment.

Arttu shakes his head. “Hell no! I value my health!”

Jonne laughs and shakes his head at Arttu. “Hey, you can be a musician and healthy!”

“No offense, but I have seen drugs destroy too many people. I am glad that Antti isn’t one of them…” Arttu appears thoughtful for a while and then adds, “I enrolled myself in the university and want to study English. I will start next semester.”

“What a coincidence!” Jonne grins happily at me. “That is when Eero will start his studies too!”

Arttu cocks his head and looks at me. “What do you study?”

“Philosophy.” I actually remembered that. I wish Arttu would stop looking at me though. Why does he have this effect on me? It can only end in heartache – for me, that is.

“I am impressed. Isn’t that a tough subject?”

Arttu’s full attention is on me now and I wish Jonne would intervene, but to my horror, Jonne waves at me and leaves the kitchen. No! You can’t do this to me! Stay!

“Eero?”

Ah, he asked me a question. What was it? “Not really. You have to do a lot of argumentation, but...it is okay.” What am I saying? I am talking nonsense!

“Are you alright? You look pale.” Arttu tries to catch my gaze, but I avoid meeting his. “Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” I quickly say to reassure him. “It is me. I am not good at...talking to strangers…” Oh, I am making things worse. I *do* want Arttu to like me, but this way I will drive him away. I am screwing up again, what a surprise.

“I hope you don’t mind, but...Antti told me a few things about you and—“

“What did he tell you?” I stare at Arttu in shock.

“He told me that you were ill and still not one hundred percent. You suffered from bronchitis, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did. What else did he tell you?” Did Jonne tell Antti about my drugs problem? That I did heroin once and I used to be stoned all day long? I don’t want Arttu to know those things. I don’t want to feel ashamed around him.

“He told me that you are their half-brother and that there are not three, but four of you.” Arttu smiles reassuringly. “That is a good thing, isn’t it? Finding your family?”

“Yes, it is…” My thoughts race. Does this mean that Antti didn’t tell Arttu about my failures?

“And he told me that you are a drummer. Antti started out as one too, but then changed to bass.”

Arttu moves closer and I want to move further away from him, but my back is against the kitchen wall and there is nowhere out for me. I need to take control of the conversation and I need to do so quickly. “Do you play any instruments?” I compliment myself on coming up with that one!

“I play a little bit of everything...some guitar, drums, bass, but there isn’t an instrument that fascinates me that much that I can’t stop playing it.”

Why is Arttu moving closer? Or does is just seem that way to me?

“Arttu! Ah, here you are! I have been looking for you!” Antti enters the kitchen and winks at his younger brother. “We are ready to play spin the bottle. Come on, I know you want to play too.”

“No fucking way,” Arttu tells his brother. “I’ll keep Eero company instead.”

I blink at that, but don’t comment on it. It is not like Arttu likes me that much that he wants to keep me company. He just doesn’t want to play the game.

“I take it Eero won’t play either?” Antti seems disappointed, but that doesn't fool me. The glittering in his eyes betrays him. For some reason he is extremely pleased.

“You have to find other victims, Antti!” Arttu laughs at his brother, turns him around, and pushes him out of the kitchen. Turning around, Arttu smiles charmingly at me. “I don’t want to end up sitting there in my underwear or even worse, kissing everyone playing the game!”

In spite of my nervousness, Arttu manages to make me laugh. “I don’t want to kiss any of them either.”

“And I bet you don’t want to show off your underwear either! It is probably pink!”

I chuckle along. “No, actually it is black.”

“Boxers?”

I blink. Now it is getting rather personal. “Yes.”

“I am a boxers’ guy too.” Arttu finishes his drink and the way he looks at me makes me nervous. “I might be wrong, but you don’t seem to be enjoying the party that much.”

Feeling caught, I stare at the floor. “I made some mistakes in the past and I hurt a lot of people in there. I apologized but...I still feel awkward about it.” I hope Arttu won’t ask what mistakes I made. Why did I have to bring it up anyway? I am a bad liar, that is why.

“Do you want to leave?”

Arttu’s question makes me blink in wonder. “Leave the party?”

“Yeah, you can show me around Tampere. I am new here, remember?”

“But I can’t. My...brothers…wouldn’t like it.” Calling them that still feels unfamiliar.

“Then ask them. I will wait in here.” Arttu tips his head toward the doorway. “We don’t have to stay out long.”

I am not sure that I want to go outside. But then again, I can do with some fresh air. However leaving with Arttu is definitely a bad idea. But something tells me he will stick around anyway regardless of where we are. “I will ask Jonne.” I actually flee the kitchen and want to kick myself for maneuvering myself into this situation.

“Eero?” Jonne walks up to me and gives me a puzzled look.

“Something weird is going on,” I whisper and frown at Jonne.

“And the weirdness is called Arttu?” Jonne smiles knowingly. “Don’t be surprised. I have known Antti forever so I know what an Aatamila is like! So what is Arttu up to?”

“He wants me to show him Tampere...leave the party. I shouldn’t do that…” I am confused like hell.

“Why not? You can go outside for some fresh air.” Jonne winks at me and I wonder what that is about. “Tommi, Ville, and I will entertain our guests.”

“But...won’t people be offended if I leave like that?” My instincts are telling me that I should stay. Being alone with Arttu is definitely not good for me.

“Go on, show him around, but don’t go into any bars. Promise me that.”

“That is no problem...I promise.” I have no desire to drink or do drugs. “But Jonne, what if—“

“Arttu is a nice guy. Give him a chance, will you? Antti has been a close friend of mine for years. The Aatamilas are crazy, but they make loyal friends. Go on, enjoy yourself. Show him the Tammerkoski or take him up to the lake.”

Jonne’s suggestions are sound, but I am not sure that I want to take Arttu to a place where it might be just the two of us. I want people about. “Maybe.”

“Have fun!” Jonne hugs me and then turns away to join Antti in his game.

I stand there for a moment and eventually manage to sort out my thoughts. How did I end up in this situation?

“What did Jonne say?”

Suddenly Arttu is standing next to me and he is waving a hand in front of my face. I blink and focus on him. “He said that it is okay.” And why did I tell Arttu that? Every instinct I have is telling me not to leave the party!

“That is great!” Arttu waves at Antti, takes my hand in his, and pulls me toward the doorway. It looks like he is not giving me a lot of choice in the matter! “Where are we going? Do you have a place in mind?” Arttu asks.

Arttu doesn’t give me much time to come up with a plan, does he? Is he always like this? “Maybe we can go up to the lake? It is nothing fancy, but I like it there. It is peaceful and quiet…” Seeing his surprise, I add, “If you like that sort of thing.”

“I do,” Arttu says and surprises me. “I like your idea a lot. Do you think I need to take my jacket along? It might be cold outside…”

I nod. “You might want to do that.” In the past, I might have gotten some alcohol to keep us warm, but I am not even thinking about it now. Hold on, I might need a coat too, so I grab one of Jonne’s. That way I don’t need to search for one in my closet.

“Are you all set?” Arttu asks and smiles wickedly.

That smile makes me go weak in the knees. Oh, this is a bad idea alright, but I still nod.

~~~

Why is Arttu still holding my hand? Ever since we left the apartment, he refuses to let go and I am too much of a coward to ask him why or to pull my hand away. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe he holds hands with all his friends. But then again, I am not his friend, am I? We just met.

“Your hand feels cold,” Arttu suddenly remarks. “It is chilly out here, don’t you think?”

We reached the lake and the chill of the water creeps up the land and into our bones. I don’t mind it that much though. It is beautiful out here and, for a moment, I even forget Arttu’s presence. When I was smoking pot the entire day, I seldom came here. I went to the bars instead. Now I realize how much I missed the scenery up here. Shivers run down my spine as I realize how much I threw away back then by doing drugs. I did heroin just once, but I could have just as easily become addicted to it. I am not aware of the fact that tears are flowing down my face until Arttu speaks. “You are crying. Why?”

Arttu obviously has no idea what is going on and I turn away from him. “It is nothing… Just ignore it.” Arttu however still has a hold on my hand and I can’t put any distance between us. “Don’t ask…” I turn my head away from him, feeling deeply ashamed, and I wipe at my tears, but they keep coming.

“I can’t bear to see people cry,” Arttu says and moves closer to me. “I always want to help. Is there anything I can do?”

“No. Just give me a moment. I am sorry for upsetting you…” I wish he would let go of my hand, but he doesn’t. Slowly, Arttu moves closer and suddenly I feel an arm around my waist. Startled, I step away from him and free my hand of his hold. “Don’t…” I shake my head and move further away. I can’t bear his touch. He is a stranger to me and I don’t trust him.

“Hey, I would never hurt you…” Arttu looks worried and takes a step away from me. “I just wanted to comfort you because you are crying.”

In my heart, I know that, but certain memories always lurk close and I can’t deal with being touched unexpectedly and by someone I hardly know. “It is okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. It is me…” I can’t look at him. I feel ashamed and guilty for upsetting him. “Maybe you should go back to the party and leave me here.”

“I am not leaving you alone when you are this upset,” Arttu states determinedly. “There is a bench. Maybe we can sit for a while until you feel better?” I nod and follow him over to the bench. We sit down and I pull the coat closer to my body. I am cold and it is not just because of the wind. “Can I put my arm around you? You are trembling…”

Arttu’s question surprises me and I don’t know what to say to it. I am not sure how I will react when he does that, but at least now I know what he is up to. Arttu is gazing at me hopefully and in the end, I nod. I am not sure why though. Arttu carefully wraps an arm around me and instantly the chill lessens.

“Antti didn’t tell me everything, did he?” Arttu whispers.

“Antti doesn’t know everything,” I reply and I hope Jonne didn’t tell Antti about my childhood, but I don’t think Jonne will betray my trust like that. He knows I want to keep it private. Arttu rubs my arm through the jacket and I flinch. Normally I wouldn’t let anyone get that close to me, but that is Jonne’s influence on me. He touches me all the time and I've lowered my walls around him. For some reason, I am doing the same thing around Arttu.

“I wasn’t sure what to think when Antti told me I had to come along to this party. I know Jonne of course, but I don’t know him so well that I would expect him to invite me to a party. Then he mentioned you.”

Arttu’s voice draws me in and I look at him. He radiates a sense of peace and calm, which I didn’t think he possessed.

“I didn’t want to come along at first. I didn’t want to bother Antti the entire evening since I don’t have anyone else to hang out with, but when he mentioned that you are new to the Liimatainen clan and could use the sight of a friendly face, I gave in.”

I look at Arttu in wonder. The calm he is radiating is rubbing off on me and I calm down as well. He is still rubbing my arm and for some reason it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable anymore.

“I grew curious about you and wanted to meet you. Antti told me about the bands you were part of and I wondered why you are no longer drumming…”

I swallow hard. “I can’t talk about it right now.”

“You don’t have to. I can talk for two, trust me.”

Arttu succeeds in making me smile – again. I like him and that in itself is dangerous. I can’t set myself up for heartache. I don’t want to go through the pain again. “You should know that I am trouble. I cause problems. You are better off not knowing me.” Arttu looks at me sadly, which makes me avert my gaze. “It is true.”

“But I want to get to know you. We are the same in a way.”

“We are?” And in what way might that be?

“I am new to Tampere and you are starting over. We could help each other...become friends…”

“That is a bad idea!”

“And why is that?”

“I let people down. I fuck up. I don’t want you to end up hating me.” I should move away from Arttu and put some distance between us, but having him close feels good. Too good and that scares me.

“I don’t hate people. I might get angry with them, but then we talk things over and we are good.” Arttu gets to his feet and extends his hand. “We should go back. It is getting colder and you were ill until recently so this isn’t the best place for you to hang out.”

I stare at his hand and I know the invitation for what it is. If I take it, I accept Arttu’s offer to be my friend. Do I want that? Do I trust myself around him? Do I want to run the risk of getting hurt? My hand shakes when I place it into his and I blame Jonne for me doing this. Jonne got through to me in a way no one ever did and because he didn’t betray my trust in him, I want to trust Arttu too.

“You don’t have to be scared of me,” Arttu says, somehow correctly reading the expression on my face. “What happened to you in the past?” he whispers and I quickly look away. “I don’t expect you to tell me now, but maybe in the future when we know each other better.”

He sounds rather sure of himself and I must admit that he is probably right. Arttu seems to be a nice person and the kind of person I would want as a friend. “We will see what happens, alright?”

Arttu nods. “Sure…” But I can tell that he is curious about me and my reactions. If he wants to get to know me – the real me – then he will have to earn my trust first and that won’t be easy.

~~~

The moment I step into the living room, Jonne leaves the circle and heads straight toward me. My eyes are probably red and puffy from crying and seeing that must have alerted him.

“What happened?” Jonne wraps an arm around my shoulder and glares at Arttu. “What did you do?” His gaze suddenly drops and his eyes widen questioningly when he sees that Arttu is holding my hand.

“Arttu didn’t do anything. I just had a…small breakdown,” I explain. “Which had nothing to do with Arttu!” I add quickly when Jonne throws Arttu an accusing look.

“I am not sure I believe that,” Jonne says.

I know why he is confused. He can tell I cried, but at the same time, I am allowing Arttu to hold my hand. “Arttu didn’t make me cry,” I whisper.

Jonne sighs and then nods. “If you say so. I believe you.”

“I am going to my room. I hope that is okay?” Antti, Jay, Nakki, and several others are still spinning the bottle and I don’t want to get involved.

“Can I stay with you a little longer?” Arttu asks, much to my surprise.

I am not sure how to reply. I like Arttu and he actually had a calming effect on me earlier, but I don’t want us to grow close – not too close anyway.

“Are you okay with that?” Jonne inquires. I know that he will get rid of Arttu if I tell him that I want to be alone.

“No, it is okay. He can stay if he wants to.” Jonne glances at me in surprise, but then a smile breaks through on his face.

“Just call if you need anything. Drinks and snacks are in the kitchen, but you already know that.”

“Jonne! It is your turn! Get over here!” Nakki calls out. Jonne smiles and quickly joins his friends again.

“Let’s get something to drink and nibble,” Arttu says and pulls me along with him. I follow him into the kitchen and watch as he puts some of the snacks onto a tray. Then he turns around and asks, “What do you want to drink?” Arttu himself grabs another diet coke.

“Same as you…” Arttu hands me the tray and I walk toward my room. “Can you open the door for me?” Arttu opens it and I step inside. My room is still a mess: clothes are everywhere and I had piled the books at will throughout the room. I grow flustered. “Sorry that it is a mess, but I am still unpacking and putting things in their place.”

“My room looks exactly the same! Well, not exactly, but it comes close!”

Arttu walks over to the bed and sits down. I suddenly realize that I don’t have a second chair or even a small couch in the room. The bed *is* the only place for him to sit down. I put the tray down as well and sit next to him. Arttu grabs some potato chips and starts eating. All the while, he keeps watching me. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I don’t know,” Arttu replies and shrugs. “I like you.”

Arttu’s admission makes me look away. “I like you too,” I whisper in a small voice.

An awkward silence settles between us, but then Arttu bites down on his potato chip. I grin at the sudden noise and Arttu chuckles as well.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Arttu wants to know.

“I don’t have any plans yet. Spend time with Ville probably since he has to go back to his unit tomorrow evening.” I eat some chips as well and continue to peek every now and then at Arttu. “Why do you want to know that?”

“Maybe you would like to come over after Ville leaves? We can jam a bit and maybe talk? I want to get to know you better.” Arttu cocks his head and gives me a hopeful look.

My heart thunders in my chest and that little voice in the back of my mind is yelling at me to tell Arttu ‘no’. I will end up heart-broken again. I just know it. Arttu might be interested in me now, but that will change the moment he finds out that I am damaged goods. It happened before and it will happen again.

“Antti will be there too and promised to make pizza. Come on, Eero, say yes!” Arttu nods repeatedly.

I am not sure what to do. I want Arttu to be my friend, but at the same time, I am worried that I might want him to be more than a friend. But the look which Arttu gives me makes me give in. “I can drop by for a short while.”

“Don’t eat dinner then. You can have pizza with us!”

Arttu smiles at me and I have to avert my gaze again. I feel odd...lightheaded, afloat, and something tickles my insides. I have been in love before, but I can’t remember ever feeling like this.

~~~

I knock on the door to Jonne’s room since everyone has left. Even Tommi had gone home, claiming he needed a good night’s sleep in his own bed. “Can I come inside?”

“Always!” Jonne’s voice sounds from the inside and I push down the door handle.

I peek inside and find that Jonne isn’t alone. Ville is stretched out next to him on the bed. “I can come back later if I am disturbing anything.” Ville has been away for a while and I imagine Jonne and Ville have lots to discuss.

“Nonsense! Come over here and join us!” Jonne pats the space on the bed next to him.

I hope I am not bothering them. I sit down at the foot and since I don’t want to infringe, I keep my distance, but Jonne seems to have different ideas. He crawls towards me and pulls me in-between them. Now I am ‘stuck’ between them, but I don’t mind. They are my brothers. I trust them.

“The party went great, don’t you think so?” Ville asks and smiles at me.

“It was okay, I guess,” I reply shyly. “I’m glad A-J, Juho and Viljami showed up. That gave me a chance to apologize to them.”

“And you are back with Heijaste,” Jonne says and nods. “They will wait for you.”

“Tommi didn’t have to do that for me though…”

“But he wanted to,” Jonne retorts and smiles warmly. “You should know the drill by now.”

Jonne is right of course. I know what they are like by now.

“Arttu seems to like you a lot,” Ville remarks and instantly I feel on my guard. “Do you like him too?”

I feel at a loss and don’t know what to say. There are so many thoughts spinning through my head.

“Eero?” Jonne cocks his head. “I don’t like that look on your face. Did Arttu upset you? You said that he hadn’t, but I am asking you again now that he isn’t around.”

I quickly shake my head. “Arttu didn’t upset me. I upset myself. I realized how stupid I was when I was doing drugs.”

Jonne nods slowly. “I believe you…”

“And what about Arttu?” Ville asks. “Do you like him? I think he is a nice guy.”

In the end, I nod slowly. “I like him. He is nice, yes.” Jonne gives me a puzzled look and I have the feeling he doesn’t quite believe me.

Jonne leans in closer and whispers in my ear, “We are going to discuss Arttu once Ville leaves. I want to know exactly what happened at the lake.”

I knew he would do something like that and I nod meekly since a part of me wants to discuss Arttu too.

TBC

Part 5

“I will see you again in two weeks!” Ville hugs me first and then Jonne. “Now don’t cry on me, Jonne! Don’t make this so fucking hard!” His train is ready for departure and he has to board it. “I will call and you two keep a close eye on each other!” Ville moves into the train and waves at us. “I have to find my seat! Love you! Both of you!”

We wave at Ville when he sits down, and a minute later, the train gets into motion. We walk along for a few meters, but then the train gains speed and we have to let Ville go.

“These two days were too short,” Jonne remarks. He obviously feels miserable at having to let Ville go.

“It is only temporary,” I console him. “He will be back.” I take Jonne’s hand in mine and he smiles happily at me because I have reached out to him. “Arttu asked me to drop by this evening.”

“And what did you tell him?”

“That I would, but...I don’t want you to be alone. I will call him and tell him–“

“No! You are going to see Arttu. Don’t worry about me! I love having Ville and you about, but trust me, I also love some quiet time for myself!”

“Are you sure?” I would feel guilty if Jonne ended up all alone at home feeling sorry for himself.

“I’m sure! I will watch Titanic, make pasta, and do nothing! I will be lazy!”

It is a good thing then that we had cleaned the apartment this morning. It never ceases to amaze me how much of a mess people can make! “I won’t stay long anyway.”

“Ah, that reminds me. We were going to talk about Arttu.” Jonne looks about and locates a bistro at the end of the road. “Let’s have a drink and talk.”

I follow Jonne into the bistro and we settle down with some coffee in the back. Since I don’t know how to start the conversation, I leave it up to Jonne.

“What happened at the lake?” Jonne asks and sips from his coffee.

“It was just like I told you. I had realized how much I had missed the peace and quiet up there. I was so stupid to throw it all away for drugs. It finally hit me, the mistakes I had made. Arttu had nothing to do with it.” It is important to me that Jonne doesn’t blame Arttu for my breakdown. Arttu wasn’t involved.

“I believe you,” Jonne says after a moment’s thought. “But there is more to it than that and it has to do with Arttu, or am I wrong?”

I sigh. Of course he is right, but how do I tell him what is going on with me when I am not sure myself? “I don’t know if I can explain it to you.”

“Try,” Jonne requests. “Because we are not leaving before I know what the problem is.”

I draw in a deep breath and stare at my coffee. “I like him, Jonne.”

“But that is a good thing! Why is it a problem?” Jonne looks flabbergasted and I don’t blame him.

I don’t want to tell him any of this, but it appears I must. “I was in love twice in my life,” I start and notice Jonne’s surprise. This isn’t what he had expected to hear apparently. “The first time, I didn’t act on it. I was sixteen and much too confused and messed up to do anything about the crush I had developed.”

“Go on,” Jonne says and nods.

“When it happened the second time, I took the risk and told him. We had decided to date and I thought everything was fine.”

“How old were you when that happened?” Jonne wants to know.

“Eighteen. Still messed up, but I had also wanted someone to love me. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. But I messed up…”

“What happened?”

Jonne reaches out to me and curls his fingers around my hand. “I had found it hard to kiss him let alone let him touch me. Of course he had wondered why and I had told him about the abuse going on in that foster family.” Tears sting my eyes, but I fight them back. Not now! “I will never forget the look in his eyes when I had told him that the man had molested me. He hadn’t wanted to touch me after that and dumped me that evening.”

“I am so sorry. That must have hurt tremendously.” Jonne squeezes my hand and gazes at me sympathetically. “You didn’t try again after that?”

“No, I didn’t. I learned my lesson. It was stupid of me to think that he wanted me. But I had to tell him...I couldn’t be intimate with him. I was scared.” And right now, I feel ashamed because I am telling Jonne this. “And Arttu...I like him…” Hopefully Jonne understands what I am trying to say. “I know that we met only yesterday, but the moment I had looked at him, I liked him.”

“Ah, now I understand,” Jonne says and looks knowingly at me. “It is called love at first sight.”

I gasp. “No, it is nothing like that…” But Jonne might be right.

“Why don’t you get to know Arttu better?” Jonne suggests.

“I don’t know if I should. I am afraid to go through the pain again…” I don’t need to spell it out. Jonne understands.

“You met yesterday. I believe you when you say that you feel attracted to him, but you don’t know Arttu yet. Get to know him...become friends, and then you can take it from there if both of you feel the same way. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Arttu is his own person. He is not like your ex-boyfriend.”

I nod. “I know that, but I am scared nonetheless. I am like that, Jonne.”

“Ah, Eero…” Jonne moves his chair closer to mine and pulls me into a hug. “That guy didn’t really love you. If he had, he wouldn’t have run away from you just because there were some problems. When someone truly loves you, they stand at your side and fight for you.”

“Like you did. You fought for me.”

Jonne smiles and then nods. “I did…and I won your trust, didn’t I?”

“You did.” I rest against Jonne and relish the moment. Even if I never find the right boyfriend, I will still have my family.

~~~

“Now get going. Arttu is probably wondering what is taking you.”

I am surprised to find that Antti and Arttu live nearby. Their apartment is only two blocks away and Jonne has been so kind to take me there.

“Call a taxi when you want to go home and don’t remember the way. Use your card.”

After Ville had left, Tommi had dropped by and had presented me with a credit card, telling me that I could spend two hundred euro each month. I don’t plan to use it much though and want to keep it for emergencies. It is a good feeling though to have it in my wallet. It gives me a sense of security. “Thanks for showing me the way.” I hug Jonne and he walks away, waving until he vanishes from view.

I turn around and look at the doorbell. Antti and Arttu live on the second floor. I press the bell and wait. Maybe Arttu forgot our appointment and isn’t in. Then I can go home!

The buzzer goes off and the door opens. I guess that means that he didn’t forget. I climb the stairs to the second floor. Arttu is already standing there waiting for me. He is wearing an all black outfit again. Looks like black is his favorite color where his clothes are concerned.

“Great! You made it!” Arttu smiles happily. “Your timing is perfect. Antti just shoved the pizzas into the oven .We eat in fifteen minutes! Step inside and give me your coat!”

I frown, only now realizing that I am wearing Jonne’s black leather jacket again. I hand it to Arttu, who puts it away, and look about. I didn’t know what I had expected their apartment to look like, but certainly not this organized. The rooms are tidy and everything is clean.

“I will show you about!” Arttu says enthusiastically and grabs my hand.

This time I don’t flinch, which is odd since I don’t know Arttu that well. Maybe I have judged him ‘safe’ and don’t perceive him as a danger.

“This is the living room,” Arttu explains and grins proudly at me.

It is a good size room with a huge, very comfortable looking couch as the centerpiece. A large television screen, bookshelves, and a DVD collection are the other main features. Everything is kept in white, beige, and browns and the color combination has a soothing effect on me. “It is really nice.” Arttu nods and pulls me into the next room. I practically drool at the numerous instruments in there.

“Antti is a collector,” Arttu points out to me. “That is his first drum set over there...his first guitar, his bass guitars, and there is even a keyboard in the back.”

“Impressive,” I whisper as I move forward to check out the drum set. It is old, but Antti keeps it in a good shape.

“We can jam later if you want!” Arttu offers.

“I would like that.” I really would. It has been ages since I have played drums.

“This is the bathroom in case you need to go,” Arttu says as he shows me the rest of the apartment. “That is Antti’s bedroom over there and this is mine.” Arttu opens the door and looks expectantly at me.

Since I don’t want to disappoint him, I step inside. “It is tidier here than my room.” Arttu’s books sit neatly on the bookshelves and there is a laptop on his desk. The walls are a soothing yellow and the color gives it a warm feel.

“I didn’t have the time to put up many personal things.” Arttu points out his photo collection hanging on the wall. “Just a few family pictures.” I am about to have a closer look at them when Antti calls us from the kitchen. Apparently, the pizza is ready. “I don’t know about you, but I am hungry,” Arttu says and he guides me into the kitchen, where Antti is busy putting the pizzas onto the plates.

“Hi! I hope you are hungry! I made three different types of pizza!” Antti carries the plates over to the kitchen table and sits down. “What do you want to drink?”

A quick look shows that there is wine and soft drinks available. I like having a glass of wine with my pizza and I do trust myself around alcohol. I don’t trust myself around pot though. “Wine would be great.”

Antti nods and fills up our glasses. Apparently, Arttu and he are having some wine as well. I sit down and Arttu picks the seat in-between us. “Which pizza do you want to start with?” Antti asks.

“I always like the one with ham and pineapple.” I try to remember when the last time was that I'd had pizza, but I can’t come up with an answer. Antti moves a large slice onto my plate and then Arttu serves himself. Antti goes for the spiciest one and we start eating. “Tastes good,” I tell Antti honestly.

“Bought them at Stockman’s,” Antti says and grins. “I am glad you like it. So what are the two of you up to this evening?”

I exchange a look with Arttu. I hope that he is going to answer that one.

“Not much. We will jam a bit and talk,” Arttu replies in between bites from his pizza.

“You are not going out?” Antti wants to know.

“No, I want to stay at home…” Arttu smiles at me and it causes me to feel lightheaded again.

“I am going out with Jack and Spit, that is why I am asking. The two of you are welcome to join us.”

“Thanks, Antti, but I don’t want to hang out in bars all evening. I would rather stay at home.”

“Suit yourself,” Antti says and gazes at his brother knowingly.

I quickly busy myself eating my pizza since I don’t want to get involved in their conversation. I have the feeling that there is something going on between them that I know nothing about.

After dinner, Antti leaves and that means I am alone with Arttu after all. We are in the ‘music’ room so to speak and Arttu maneuvers me behind the drum set. “Sit down, Eero! Antti doesn’t mind you banging the drums! He is glad when they are played!” I can only hope that it is true. I don’t want to offend Antti in any way. It feels great to be sitting behind a drum set again. “Here, you need these.” Arttu hands me a pair of drumsticks. “What do you want to play?” He grabs one of Antti’s guitars and plays a melody.

“I don’t care,” I whisper. The feel of the drumsticks in my hands fascinate me and I can’t wait to start drumming.

“How about some Heijaste? I know most of the songs, so that is not a problem,” Arttu suggests.

“We can do that. How about Hetkille?” I suggest.

“You have to sing though. I don’t know the words.”

Suddenly I feel like Arttu set me up. This seems too familiar to me. Jonne did the same thing to me.

“It is just you and me, Eero. No one is going to hear it. And I won’t tell on you!” Arttu winks at me. He plugs in his guitar and waits for me to make up my mind.

Sighing, I agree to sing. I want to play so badly that I will even sing the lyrics. I count off and we start the song. The words come naturally to me and, while I hate hearing the way my voice butchers the song, I am thrilled to be playing again. When the song ends, Arttu grins at me and I smile back at him. It feels great to make music again!

“I don’t know what your problem is,” Arttu says. “You have a good voice...nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I will leave the singing to Jonne and Ville.” I am serious. I am not much of a singer.

“Do you know that Tommi sings too? He lacks practice of course, but he has a good voice.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well, now you do. So, how about another song?”

I nod happily. “Sure!”

Half an hour later, I am growing tired. I am no longer used to playing drums and it exhausts me. I didn’t know I was so badly out of shape! Maybe I should start saving for a drum set of my own since Heijaste’s is at their training room and in use. “I need a break,” I tell Arttu, who wants to start another song. “I am running out of breath.”

Arttu puts his guitar away and gets to his feet. “Want some coffee or tea? We can move into my room once we got something to drink.”

“Coffee, please.” I need the caffeine! Drumming really wore me down and I am still panting softly when I follow Arttu into the kitchen. “You have a nice apartment.”

“Thanks. The one thing I didn’t expect was for Antti to be a clean freak. He makes sure I clean up after myself!” Arttu laughs and switches on the coffee maker. “I am in the mood for something sweet,” he says and looks pointedly at me.

It is a good thing that I am already flushed or else I would be sporting a fiery red blush.

“Antti always keeps chocolate around the house. Apparently, Jonne has a sweet tooth and loves chocolate.” Arttu searches the cupboards and comes up with chocolate chip cookies. “This will do!” He pours the coffee in our mugs and hands me mine. “Let’s go to my room,” he suggests and I follow him.

We end up seated on the bed. There is a couch as well, but according to Arttu, the bed is more comfortable. It is king-size and has the softest mattress ever. While I am eating a cookie, Arttu suddenly addresses me. “Can I ask you something personal?”

That is not a question I want to hear and I get nervous. “What do you want to know?”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Arttu adds. “It is your own choice.”

“What do you want to know?” I look at him and wonder what he has come up with.

“Do you have a boyfriend? Or girlfriend, though I have the feeling you like guys.”

Arttu has the grace to blush, so asking me embarrasses him too. That reassures me. He isn’t as cocky as he seems. “No, I don’t have one – a boyfriend that is.” I am relieved it isn’t something more personal than that. If that is all Arttu wants to know I am okay with it.

“Why don’t you have one?”

I sigh. It seems Arttu’s curiosity hasn’t been satisfied yet. What do I tell him? I don’t want to lie to him and, considering the fact that I am such a bad liar, I shouldn’t even attempt that. “I haven’t found anyone yet who wants to be my boyfriend.”

Arttu’s eyes widen at that. “Is the whole world blind?”

Arttu’s reply stuns me and I stare at him in something akin to shock. “What?”

“Seriously! I would expect guys to be fighting over you!”

Arttu sounds rather convinced, which is something I don’t get. “Why do you think that?” The thought is ridiculous. Why would anyone fight over me?

“Well because you are a sweet guy and you have great eyes…”

I blink. I must have misheard. It is the first part of Arttu’s remark that stuns me the most though. No one has ever called me sweet before. Are we talking about me here?

“I am serious!” Arttu, who was lying down on his side, now sits up and nods firmly. “I love the way you are in touch with your feelings, even though you seem to struggle with them. And you really are sweet! When we were up at the lake, you opened up to me and I didn’t expect that. That takes courage!”

I grow flustered again. “You got the wrong impression last night. I am not a nice guy.”

“Of course you are! Eero…” Arttu frowns and then something seems to fall into place. “Is it because of these problems which you mentioned last night? Is that the reason you feel bad about yourself?”

How did we get from 'Do you have a boyfriend?' to this question? I knew that no good could come out of getting to know Arttu better. “It is part of it, but there is more.”

“And you aren’t going to tell me the rest. I can tell by the look in your eyes. You don’t feel at ease any more. I am sorry that my questions upset you. It runs in the family, I guess...having a big mouth and—“

I interrupt him. “Arttu, it isn’t your fault. There are certain matters that I can’t discuss with you.”

“That is okay. I understand that. It is not like we have been friends for a long time!” Arttu looks worried though. “Just tell me to shut up when I say something stupid.”

“You didn’t say anything stupid.”

“But I upset you!”

I roll my eyes. “Can we stop this discussion? It is not leading anywhere.” And I am growing frustrated because of it.

Arttu nods, but the worry remains. “You are not leaving though, are you? Please stay a little longer.”

“I will stay…” But not for much longer. It is close to midnight and I don’t want Jonne to worry about me. I told him that I would be home around midnight. Suddenly something hits me in the chest. Arttu threw a cookie at me. He is chuckling and glances at me apologetically. Alright, I forgive you for your curiosity, but stop throwing cookies at me!

~~~

“Is it okay if I call you tomorrow?” Arttu smiles hopefully at me. “Because I really had a great evening,” he adds. “Maybe we can spend time together tomorrow too.”

I had a great evening too. Arttu is fun and jamming was cool. But at the same time, I tell myself not to get used to it. It is only a matter of time before Arttu finds out the truth about me and decides that hanging out with me isn’t cool anymore. “I would like that.” I should enjoy the moment while it lasts.

“Maybe we can go up to the lake again? If it isn’t too chilly. We can take guitars with us. Jam a bit.”

I like the idea. Everything that keeps me away from hitting the clubs is fine. “Looks like you don’t have to call me to set something up.”

Arttu is pleased and says, “How about I pick you up at seven? We can either walk there or drive. I can borrow Antti’s car whenever I want.”

He has a driver’s license then. I don’t. “That is fine with me.” I want to get going, but Arttu still has a hold on my hand. “I need that,” I say and incline my head toward our hands.

“Oh yes, of course.” Arttu blushes and releases my hand. “I will see you tomorrow.”

“Yes…” I feel awkward too. Like Arttu, I don’t want the evening to end, but it is already one in the morning and Jonne is probably getting worried. “See you then!” I turn around, wave at Arttu, and walk down the street. I have a lot to think about.

~~~

I uncover my brand new key and unlock the door to our apartment. I am not sure when I had started to think like that, but I like the sound of it. The light in the living room is still on and I decide to check on Jonne. Jonne is asleep on the big, comfortable couch and had covered himself with a fleece blanket. The television screen saver is on so he probably fell asleep watching Titanic. I sit on the armrest and study him. There is a smile on his face even in his sleep and I wonder why. “I should get you in bed,” I mumble. I am not sure I can carry him, but I will try at any rate. He has carried me to bed several times and I want to do the same thing for him.

I carefully lift him from the couch and carry him into his bedroom. I have a tight hold on him and can’t stop thinking ‘Don’t drop him!’ Finally, I lower him onto his bed and sit down on the side. Jonne has done so much for me and he is still helping me by just being there and supporting me. I search my feelings and then smile and whisper, “I love you, Jonne.”

Jonne opens his eyes, smiles back at me, and whispers, “I love you too, Eero.”

He pulls me closer and I lie down on my side next to him. “You have no idea how much you changed my life.”

“I think I do.” Jonne strokes my hair. “So how was your date with Arttu?”

“We had fun,” I reply and snuggle up to him. “Antti made pizza, but then left to go clubbing with Jack and Spit, so it was just Arttu and me then.”

“And did everything go well?”

I nod. “We jammed after Antti left and afterwards we had coffee and he threw cookies at me.”

Jonne chuckles. “That sounds like the true Aatamila spirit!”

I chuckle along, but then I grow serious again. “He wants to see me again. Tomorrow...and I said yes. Is that okay with you?”

“Why shouldn’t it be okay with me?”

I glance guiltily at Jonne. “I feel like I am deserting you.”

“Because you are spending time with Arttu? That is not true, Eero. I still got your company during the day and I want you to spend time with others as well. You need friends!”

I swallow nervously. “Arttu said that he likes me…and wanted to know…if I had a boyfriend.”

Jonne wiggles an eyebrow. “That sounds promising, don’t you think?”

“Jonne, I told you why it can’t be that way! Arttu will want to know why I freeze up on him and then I will have to tell him. He won’t want me after he knows the truth about me!”

“Give Arttu a little more credit, okay? Aatamilas might be crazy, but they are also loyal and sensitive. Antti never let me down and trust me I have done some stupid things in my time. I doubt Arttu will run away when he finds out about your past.”

“I want to believe that you are right, but I am scared to get hurt again.”

“I understand that, Eero, I really do.” Jonne strokes my hair and gazes at me ponderingly. “Why don’t you change into your pajamas and sleep here tonight? We can talk some more if you want to.”

That is a good idea and it takes me about fifteen minutes to remove my make-up and slip into a T-shirt. I go under the covers and snuggle up to Jonne. After resting my head against his shoulder, I start whispering again, “It would be great if Arttu really liked me. I want him as my friend.”

“Or as your boyfriend?” Jonne asks.

“Maybe...but I am too scared. I know that I will disappoint him. Who wants a boyfriend he can’t touch?”

“I hold you…am touching you. Maybe if you give it time, Arttu will gain your trust like I did.”

“I don’t know about that. You are my brother. Arttu would be my boyfriend and would want to touch me differently.”

“Eero, you don’t have to tell me, but how far did he go? Your foster father, I mean.”

I always knew that question would come up eventually and I have prepared myself for it since I don’t want to break down in front of Jonne.

TBC

Part 6

I don’t want to remember any of it, but for Jonne, I will face my memories. “He came to me at night when I was in my bed. At first, I didn’t know what he wanted from me. He would sneak under the covers and take my hand and guide it toward his…private parts and made me touch him.” I choose my words carefully, knowing that a mere word could trigger a memory and bring it all back. “He came to me almost every night. He left his wife in their bed and snuck into mine…” I stare at Jonne, needing him to ground me. If I close my eyes now, I am back there and I don’t want that. “Later he forced me to go down on him. I threw up the first time he made me do it and had hoped that would put him off, but he made me do it again.”

Jonne strokes my hair and I tremble at the touch. His eyes reveal his every emotion and I know Jonne feels deeply about what happened to me. “Things got worse two months later. He started to touch my ass. I didn’t know what he wanted from me at first, but then he shoved a finger inside and it hurt.”

“Eero…” Jonne looks pleadingly at me.

I shake my head. “I need to tell you now while I still have the courage. I might not be able to do so later.” Jonne nods and I force myself to continue. “One night, he wanted to rape me, but I fought him. I managed to kick him in the groin. He couldn’t move for a few seconds and I escaped. I ended up in our neighbor’s garden and the lady there took me in. She called the police first and then the home.”

“Thank God that you got away in time.” Jonne’s bottom lip trembles with emotion. “I would have killed that bastard if he had…done that…to you.”

I am grateful that he phrased it like that. “Thanks…” I smile sadly at him.

“What happened next?”

“The police didn’t believe me. It was my word against his and I had no proof to back up my words.”

Jonne hisses angrily at that. “You can’t be serious! They didn’t believe you? How stupid can they be?”

“They might have believed me if there had been traces of rape, but…since I got away…” I shrug. That they didn’t believe me hurt back then and it still does, but I no longer get upset about it. It serves no purpose anyway. “They decided it was best for me to return to the home. Back there, they called me a liar and told me that I wasn’t going up for adoption again.”

“Those idiots!” Jonne shakes his head, obviously upset. “They should have believed you! You were a kid and they…they called you a liar? The fuckers!”

“Jonne…” This time, *I* stroke his face in an effort to calm him down. “I was happy to be back at the home and away from my foster father.”

“But…” Jonne blinks in confusion. “Wasn’t that around the time that social worker started to pick on you?”

“Yes, it was, but I had rather I had gotten beaten up than raped. It was the lesser of two evils, do you understand?”

“I do, but still, it angers me that they didn’t take care of you better!”

“You are taking good care of me now, Jonne.” I continue to stroke his hair, hoping that it will calm Jonne down. He is rather upset. “You don’t know how much it means to me that you care about me.”

“I love you, Eero. You are my brother!”

I smile at Jonne. “I love you too…” I am surprised though that the things I told him don’t appall him. He is still holding my hand and doesn’t seem eager to let go. Arttu’s reaction to learning my past will be different though. “Do you understand why I can’t tell Arttu any of this?”

“I agree that you shouldn’t tell Arttu yet. It is too early for that, but if you become more than friends, I suggest you tell him. Tell him before you go further so he knows what he is up against!”

“I can never tell him...or anyone else. I couldn’t tell Tommi this either, just you. I trust you…unconditionally.”

“I am glad you let me in, Eero and for the moment it will do. But in the future, you should confide in other people too, like Ville, Tommi, and Arttu.”

“I don’t know if I can. I still feel ashamed and…dirty… because of what happened back then. I knew you were going to ask me about it eventually, so I had rehearsed in my head what I was going to tell you. If I hadn’t, I would be a mess right now.” I avert my gaze. The pressure building inside me is getting worse. “Can we stop discussing it now?”

“If you want to, of course. Can I say one more thing though?”

I hope I can take it...whatever it is.

“I wish you would see a counselor. He can help you. I know he can. It hurts to see you in pain.”

“I’ve been thinking about counseling,” I admit softly and Jonne looks at me hopefully. “I can’t promise I will continue to go to therapy, but…if you want it, and it is not too much work… What I am trying to say is that you can set up an appointment for me.”

“Yes!” Jonne exclaims excitedly. “You made the right decision, Eero. You really did!”

I hope I did… Only time will tell though.

~~~

The next morning I wake up from Jonne snoring softly in my ear. I had fallen asleep in his arms last night and his presence had kept the nightmares away, which would have haunted me otherwise.

My thoughts shift back to the evening that I had spent with Arttu. I am already looking forward to this evening, even though I also worry about it. I still wonder if Arttu had wanted to send me some sort of message when he had asked me if I had had a boyfriend already. Is he really interested in me that way?

I grow restless and can’t stay in Jonne’s arms any longer. I move about and that wakes up Jonne. “Where are you going?” Jonne asks sleepily. He opens an eye to check on me.

“I want to shower…”

“Okay. Be sweet and make coffee too…” Jonne turns onto his side again, hugs his pillow, and goes back to sleep.

“I will make coffee,” I promise him and press a kiss onto his hair. I feel different after that talk...like I can be *me* around him and I don’t have to hide anymore.

I head for the kitchen and get the coffee started then I move into the bathroom, get out some towels, and place them next to the shower stall. I remove my T-shirt and boxers and put them in the laundry basket then turn around and study myself in the mirror. I don’t like my body the way it looks and I don’t like touching it either. I seldom bring myself to orgasm since I always feel guilty and dirty afterwards. It brings back memories which I want to forget.

I make quick work of my morning shower, dry off, and wrap the towels around my hair and waist. I go into my room, open the closet, and grab the first jeans and shirt that fall into my hands. Once I am dressed, I return to the bathroom to blow-dry my hair.

“I smell coffee!”

I chuckle at Jonne’s delighted cry. Coffee should be ready yes.

“I am getting breakfast ready!” Jonne exclaims from the kitchen.

Once I have styled my hair, I join him there. Jonne glances at me curiously and tilts his head slightly. “You forgot to put on eyeliner and mascara.”

I smile at him. “I will do that after breakfast.”

“What are you going to do today? Any plans except for meeting Arttu this evening?”

“I don’t know yet.” Jonne puts a cup of coffee in front of me and I add lots of milk and sugar to it. I eat some cornflakes with milk and consider Jonne’s question.”What are you doing today?”

“The band is rehearsing so I have to show up there. Do you want to tag along? I am sure Jay won’t mind if you hit the drums.”

“I do miss playing,” I admit thoughtfully. “I was thinking about saving for a drum set...a simple one, nothing fancy. I could save one hundred euro every month…” But then I realize something else. “But that will have to wait. I need a laptop first.” I had destroyed my old one with some beer months ago.

“A laptop? Why do you need one?” Jonne sits down and takes a bite out of his toast.

“Well… If I am going back to the university, a laptop or computer comes in very handy. I will have to write many reports and do research. I will go to the library for the first few months or work at the campus, but I would like to be able to work from home too.”

Jonne smiles happily. “You said home. You really think of this apartment as home then?”

“I do…” It is true. It is home now.

“I will ask Tommi about that laptop…and you probably need an internet connection too.”

“That would help, but I don’t want Tommi to pay for it. I can save my money and I will get one in a few months.”

“And then you will spend another few months to catch up on your work,” Jonne says and shakes his head. “Let me talk to Tommi, please.” The added ‘please’ makes it impossible for me to tell Jonne ‘no’ so I nod. “Tommi said he would cover your expenses as long as they are related to your studies, remember?”

He had, but that doesn’t put me at ease. I still don’t like it that he is paying for everything. Maybe I should get a job after all, but I know I won’t be able to concentrate fully on my studies then. I need to give the matter more thought.

~~~

I really enjoyed banging the drums after Negative's rehearsal with Jay cheering me on. This time around, I don’t end up sweaty and exhausted which must mean that my condition must be improving. It is close to seven o’clock and I should head for Arttu’s place.

“Get going,” Jonne says and nods at me. “And have a good time. Don’t worry too much. Just enjoy spending time with Arttu.”

That is easier said than done, but I don’t tell Jonne that. I tell the other guys goodbye, hug Jonne, and ignore the knowing wink which Antti gives me as I leave for his place.

On my way to Arttu’s apartment, I replay last night’s conversation with Jonne in my head. Accepting counseling is probably the right thing to do, even though the thought scares the hell out of me. And then there is Arttu. He is the reason why I agreed to confront my past in the first place and I am not even sure if his friendship is going to be worth the pain I will put myself through. I don’t even know for sure if he likes me that way. Maybe he just wants to be friends instead.

I reach the building the apartment is in and press the doorbell. The buzzer sounds and the door opens. While I am climbing the stairs, the front door opens and Arttu appears in the doorway. He isn’t dressed in black for a change. Instead, he is wearing faded jeans and a grey T-shirt.

“You are right on time! I’m impressed!” Arttu moves toward me and suddenly his arms are around me. He pulls me against him and hugs me tight. My breathing speeds up at the touch and I swallow hard. I tell myself that I can do this, that Arttu is a friend. I don’t know him that well, but he means no harm. I am not going to panic! Either Arttu doesn’t notice me freezing up or he ignores it. He smiles at me and pulls me inside. “I made sandwiches in case we get hungry out there! Just give me a moment to slip into my coat and fetch the guitars. By the way, are you sure that the jacket you are wearing is warm enough? It grows cold out there!”

I smile at Arttu. Does he ever stop talking? “I am fine.”

Arttu shakes his head however. “I don’t think so!” Arttu disappears into his room and returns with a sweater. “Put that on, will you? Otherwise will worry all evening about you being cold.”

I study Arttu for a moment and he tilts his head inquisitively. “It is nothing.” But there is something going on alright. Arttu worries about me. Until now only Jonne, Tommi, and Ville worried about my well-being. I remove my jacket and slip into Arttu’s black sweater and the first thing I notice is his scent. “Better?”

“Yes!” Arttu seems happy now. “I will get our guitars and then we can get going!”

I watch him run through the apartment and his energy level amazes me. He grins when he informs me that he is well prepared in case we get hungry and picks up his shoulder bag, which is holding our sandwiches, snacks, and a thermos filled with hot chocolate. Then he collects the acoustic guitars, which are safely stored away in protective bags and hands me one. “Let’s go!”

Arttu seems eager to get going. I guess it is all that energy seeking a way out. I move back into the corridor and Arttu locks the apartment. During our walk to the lake, Arttu keeps glancing at me. He smiles all the time and when I happen to look in his direction that smile brightens even more. It is like he has this inner light inside of him and it makes him glow. It also makes me want to be near him.

Thirty minutes later, we reach the lake and Arttu leads me to one of his favorite spots. There is a bench too and I sit down. The walk tired me for some reason and I promptly get the answer when my stomach growls loudly. “Sorry. Breakfast was the last thing I had. There wasn’t time to eat after that.”

“Good thing then that I brought food along!” Arttu grins, removes the sandwiches from his shoulder bag, and hands me one. “There is more, so eat all you want.”

“Thanks.” I unwrap the sandwich and bite into it. While looking out over the lake peace settles in my soul. I don’t know if it’s because of my surroundings or Arttu sitting next to me.

“Have another one.” Arttu hands me a second sandwich and I glance gratefully at him. “You like being out here,” he remarks and I nod. “Why is that?”

Do I tell him the truth? Or will he think I am weird when I do? Maybe I should trust him or at least give him a chance. “It is peaceful here. Most of the time, there are so many thoughts spinning in my head that it makes me restless. For some reason, they slow down when I am here.” With you, I should add, but I don’t.

“I like it here too,” Arttu says and removes his guitar from the protective bag. “But mostly I like it when *you* are here with me.”

Apparently, Arttu doesn’t feel as insecure as I do and I peek at him from behind my hair. Arttu’s face is relaxed and the twinkling in his eyes astounds me. The way he smiles at me makes me feel weak. There is no way I can deny it or hope to fool myself into believing otherwise: I *am* attracted to Arttu and I want him to smile at me. Our gazes meet and I grow shy and look away. I pick up my guitar, settle it on my knee, and play the first thing that comes to mind, which, unsurprisingly, sounds chaotic.

“Eero?” Arttu stops playing, puts his guitar aside, and moves closer. “There is something I want to talk to you about.”

My heart thunders in my chest and a cold sweat forms on my body. Usually when people start a conversation like that, it means something bad is going to happen. I stop playing and stare out over the lake. “Go ahead.” Is our friendship going to end before it really started? Did Arttu already tire of me? Or did he hear certain rumors? Rumors? They tell the truth! They aren’t fucking rumors!

“Hey, what is wrong? You are so pale all of a sudden!”

Arttu moves closer still, removes the guitar from my hold, and takes my hands into his. That move surprises me. Usually people don’t reach out when they are about to dump me. I raise my head a little and look at Arttu, using my hair to hide my face from his probing eyes, but Arttu raises his hand and tucks my blond strands behind an ear so he *can* see my face. The gesture makes me tremble in fearful apprehension.

“You are not afraid of me, are you?” Arttu’s voice is full of disbelief.

“Not exactly…”

“But?”

Arttu doesn’t remove his hand. Instead, his fingers move into my hair and play with a strand. I am stunned and look at him with wide eyes. No one ever dumped me in such a strange way before.

“Eero, I don’t know what is wrong, but… I am going to talk and you only have to listen, okay?”

I nod. I have no idea what he is up to. I do know though that it feels nice with how his fingers move through my hair...very nice.

“I have been thinking about you since we met.” Arttu grins at me. “Yes, it sounds hard to believe, but that is the way it is. I really like you, Eero and...I don’t want to move too quickly or anything like that, but...I really like spending time with you and when you are not around, I miss you. I counted the hours today until you showed up.”

I can’t believe the things I am hearing. “I feel the same way,” I whisper, feeling insecure and shy. Arttu smiles at that and his fingers settle at the nape of my neck and rub there.

“I was thrilled when you told me that you don’t have a boyfriend yet.”

I am beginning to understand what this conversation is truly about. I got it all wrong. I thought Arttu didn’t want to be my friend anymore and now he is telling me that he *is* interested in me like that. I can’t believe it. Me...he likes me! He cares about me! How wondrous is that? “Arttu…”

“No, let me talk first and then you can say what you want to say later, alright?”

“Okay…” Maybe it is best that way because I don’t really know what I want to say.

“I was thrilled to hear that because I want...I want a chance...with you.”

Arttu seems shy all of a sudden and he moves his hand until he is caressing my face. I expect to shudder at the touch, but nothing like that happens. His touch is gentle and caring and, to my surprise, I lean into it. Arttu’s face shines with joy and he gives me a big smile. “Do you like that idea?”

I like it, yes, but can I tell him that? Arttu doesn’t know what he is getting himself into...what he is taking on and I still hurt too much from telling Jonne what happened back then. I can’t tell Arttu about my past right now. It would be too much.

“Do I have a chance?” Arttu asks and continues to caress my face. “I like you and I want to spend more time with you...get to know you...but do you know what I want to do the most? I want to kiss you.”

Now Arttu is definitely moving too fast and I inch away from him, increasing the distance between us. He pulls back his hand and watches me in confusion. I look away and stare at the ground.

“Eero? Did I make a mistake? Did I read you wrong? I thought that you liked me too.”

I swallow hard and tell myself to start talking. Remaining silent isn’t fair to him. “I like you,” I start and still avoid looking at him. I can’t bear to see the expression that will appear on his face shortly. “I like you a lot, but you are moving too fast.”

Arttu blinks. “Too fast? But I didn’t do anything yet!”

I cringe since Arttu sounds upset. “I am sorry… It is not your fault.”

Arttu blinks, seems to search his thoughts, and then looks at me again. “Eero, make me understand. What is going on? I just told you that I might be falling in love with you and you…”

I gasp when he says it so directly. “You shouldn’t. You shouldn’t fall in love with me.”

“Eero, please, I don’t know what to think of this! Help me.”

Arttu moves so close that we are touching. I want to move away again, but suddenly he wraps an arm around my shoulder. I feel trapped, but at the same time, I enjoy having him close. “I told you that I am trouble. That is all you need to know.”

“I want a real reason. I came here with the intention to date you and, although you say that you feel the same way, you are rejecting me.”

“I know. It isn’t fair.”

“Eero, please, talk to me.”

Arttu then does something that causes my heart to miss several beats. He places his hands at either side of my head, turns me towards him, and leans in closer. With infinite tenderness, he presses his lips against mine and kisses me. Alarmed, I stare into his eyes and that voice in the back of my mind starts yelling at me to push Arttu away. Not because I perceive him as a threat, but because I don’t want to taint him, but the kiss is sweet and I want more of it. I taste his affection for me in it and I hunger for more. “No!” I exclaim eventually and turn away from him. “Don’t do that.”

“But why?” Arttu is at a loss. “It is just a kiss!”

Tears gather in my eyes and drip down my face. “No one ever kissed me like that before,” I manage in-between sobs. “And I don’t want to taint you… Not you…”

Arttu audibly sucks in his breath. “Eero?” He moves and ends up squatting in front of me. He gathers my hands in his and manages to catch my gaze, even though I am doing my best to look everywhere except at him. “Why do you think you will taint me?”

His voice trembles and I see the first traces of apprehension in his eyes. It won’t be long now until he turns away from me in disgust. “Arttu, I don’t want...I can’t tell you. Not now...it still hurts too much…” I hate doing this to him, but I can’t open those wounds so soon. “I better go home...sorry for everything…”

Arttu however shakes his head and looks me in the eye, which causes me to flinch. I have the uncanny feeling that he figured it out by himself. “You are not going anywhere and certainly not alone. You are staying here with me.” He nods to emphasize his words. “I think I know what is going on, though I really hope that I reached the wrong conclusion.”

I look away once more. My mouth is dry and my throat aches because of the emotions choking me up. “You probably reached the right conclusion…”

Arttu sighs deeply. “Is it okay for me to hold you? Because I really need to hold you right now.”

So he *did* reach the right conclusion. He wouldn’t ask permission to hold me otherwise. I know I still owe him an explanation, but not today. “I am not sure…”

“Shall we find out?”

Arttu’s hopeful look touches me and I nod slowly. “We can try…” I am not sure how I will react to his presence though. I feel like I am falling to pieces. Arttu sits down next to me and carefully wraps me up in an embrace. I tremble, but don’t feel the urge to push him away so I allow the contact.

“Thanks for trusting me, Eero,” Arttu whispers.

I can’t help it. My emotions are too close to the surface and suddenly I start to cry. “Sorry,” I mutter and I want to stop the tears from falling, but I fail. It needs out. The emotions, my fears, my hopes...they need release. Arttu rubs my back and the gesture reminds me of Jonne who does the same thing when I am stressed. I hesitantly lean against him and wrap an arm around him in turn. “I am sorry that I am a fuck up… and damaged goods. You deserve better than that…” Arttu guides my head to his shoulder and holds me loosely. The hug is just right and I relax. I didn’t think I would.

“I can’t imagine how hard this is on you and I admire you for your strength. No, don’t tell me otherwise. You are a survivor, you hear? I can only guess what happened to you, but...you were hurt and you are still hurting. I can’t promise to make it all better, but I want to be there for you. I still like you. My feelings don’t change that fast. But I know now that I have to be careful around you and I will be cautious, trust me. But please, Eero, don’t call yourself a fuck up or damaged goods. You are a survivor! You are strong!”

I hear the things Arttu is telling me, but I can’t believe them. With a tear-streaked face, I look at him and bite my bottom lip. “Do you really want to be with someone who...I was ten when it happened...and...he didn’t give me a choice. I never wanted for it to happen.” It is all I can tell Arttu right now, but I need him to understand what he is getting himself into. “He didn’t...rape...me, but he tried.”

Arttu draws in a deep breath and guides my head to his shoulder again. “I just want to hold you tighter.”

I can’t believe he’s reacting like this. I thought he would push me away, march back home, and leave me behind, but instead, he is holding me – even rocking me. My tears keep flowing and I cling to him during the emotional storm that devours me. “Hold me tight…” Arttu tightens his hold and resumes rubbing my back.

“I won’t let go, Eero…”

Arttu uses his sleeve to wipe away my tears eventually. I don’t know how long we sat there, but it must have been twenty minutes at the least. I don’t feel cold though since Arttu’s embrace is sheltering me from the chilly evening air. “I am sorry for breaking down. I didn’t plan it.”

“There is no reason for you to feel guilty about what happened here.”

Arttu’s arms remain around me and I gather my courage to look at him and search his face. I am amazed at what I find there. His eyes are swimming and he looks like he shed tears too. “Did you cry?”

“A little bit. It pains me to see you hurting.”

“I didn’t want that…” I raise a hand and wipe at his eyes, which are still damp. “Arttu, I didn’t want you to know just yet, but you took me by surprise. I never thought you would tell me that you are interested in me.”

Arttu nods. “I kind of sprang that on you, didn’t I? But Eero, do you feel the same way about me? Are you getting feelings for me too?”

I can’t lie to him, not after what we just went through. “I feel the same way about you, Arttu. You have been on my mind ever since we met, but...”

“But what?”

“You saw for yourself how messed up I am. I am not a suitable boyfriend for you. You deserve better. You really do.”

“But I want you...no one else.”

The certainty in Arttu’s voice takes me back. “You hardly know me. You have no idea how much emotional baggage I would bring into a relationship and...you would tire of me and my problems quickly. Especially when we can’t be intimate.”

“Eero, coming up with excuses won’t make me change my mind. I want a chance with you. I am grateful that you told me. That way I know what to expect, but please, Eero, don’t reject me like that. I really care about you. Give me – us – a chance. I don’t think you ever did in the past, did you?”

“I trusted someone once. I thought he loved me…but when he found out that I had been molested he…he dumped me. That hurt so bad.” Why am I telling Arttu this? I shouldn’t burden him with my past.

“I’m not like that guy. I want to make this work. Please, Eero.” Arttu leans in closer once more and brushes my lips with his. “Give us a chance.”

I must have lost my mind for I nod. “You get your chance, but please, Arttu...don’t break my heart. Please don’t.”

“I won’t,” Arttu promises.

He brushes his lips over my lips again, pulls me tighter against him, and holds me close. That is exactly what I need and I relax against him. I don’t know why I agreed to this. Maybe I really like Arttu and want a shot at this. I can only hope that he won’t shatter my already brittle heart.

TBC

Part 7

After sitting at the lake for another thirty minutes, Arttu finally releases me from his hold. The movement pulls me from the entranced state I was in and I look at Arttu to find out what is going on.

“We should go home. Those rain clouds are getting closer and I don’t want to get soaked.”

Arttu puts my guitar into the protective bag as well and then gets to his feet. He pulls me up and rests his hands on my hips. I feel exhausted and lack the energy to worry about him touching me like that. “You are right… I want to go home too.” I am tired and I want to lie down and curl up in bed.

Arttu puts one guitar across his back and carries mine as well. Arttu surprised me this evening. I didn’t think he would tell me that he is getting feelings for me or stand by me when I broke down. “You are special,” I tell him in a voice that trembles with emotion.

“You are special too, Eero.” Arttu squeezes my hand and we start walking.

~~~

Antti is home when we get there. I don’t feel like talking to him and want to go home straight away, but Arttu won’t let me.

“Just stay a moment. I will put the guitars away, make something hot to drink, and, once you feel warm inside, I will walk you home.” Arttu unlocks the door and pulls me along. The light is on in the kitchen so Antti is probably still awake.

“Maybe I should leave right away,” I whisper, but Arttu shakes his head again.

“Go into the kitchen, will you? I will just put the guitars away. I will be with you in a minute!”

Left with no choice, I step into the kitchen and flinch when I see Antti standing there. “Hello.” My voice sounds rusty and I hate the way it trembles.

“Did you stay at the lake until now? You must be frozen!” Antti shakes his head disapprovingly. “I don’t get you youngsters. Why go out there when you can go clubbing instead?”

Antti gestures for me to sit down and I comply. I *do* feel cold. I didn’t feel the cold when we were still at the lake.

“Antti, be nice and make us some hot chocolate, will you?” Arttu returns and straddles the chair next to me. He raises an eyebrow when he sees me shiver. “I have a warm vest if you are cold or a nice fleece blanket.”

“It is okay.” I dismiss his offer, but I do feel cold.

“It is not okay,” Arttu says and gets to his feet again. “Come on. Shrug out of your jacket. I am going to get you something warm to wear.” Arttu is out of the kitchen before anyone can stop him.

“You had better do as he says. Arttu is a stubborn little bugger,” Antti remarks as he opens the fridge.

I lack the energy to object and shrug out of my jacket. Suddenly a fleece blanket is wrapped around me. I raise my head and look at him. He is smiling at me and the moment he sits down again, he claims my hand. This is odd. Apparently he still wants to be close to me and doesn’t mind holding my hand, even though he knows…

“Do you want your hot chocolate spiked?” Antti looks at us from over his shoulder.

“No, but add lots of whipped cream, will you?” Arttu doesn’t break eye contact with me when he speaks. In the end, I glance away. I don’t know what to make of the emotion in Arttu’s eyes. Jonne looks at me like that, but Jonne loves me since I am his brother. “Is that your mobile phone?” Arttu asks when there is beeping suddenly.

“Yes, sorry…” I search for the damn thing and answer the call. “Yes?”

“It is me, Jonne. I just wanted to check on you. Are you alright? I don’t know why, but I worry about you.”

“I am okay,” I tell him. I wonder if he hears how much my voice is trembling. “I am at Arttu and Antti’s having hot chocolate.”

Jonne chuckles at that. “Are you coming home at all?”

“Of course!”

“Eero, I didn’t ask you that because I want you to come rushing home. I just want to know if you are safe. You can stay at Arttu’s for the night if you want!”

“No...I will be home within the hour.” I need to talk to Jonne urgently! I tell him goodbye for now and put the phone back into my pocket. Arttu cocks his head and gazes at me inquisitively. “That was Jonne. He wanted to know where I am.”

“He is worried.” Arttu nods. “I will walk you home after we finish our hot chocolate.” Arttu looks at Antti and thanks him when the older man puts our mugs in front of us. Antti leaves the kitchen and we’re alone again. “You *do* realize that we need to talk about the things you told me earlier?”

“I do, but please…not right now.” I feel fragile and I will break down if Arttu brings it up again.

“Not now,” Arttu agrees. He rubs my fingers and pulls my hand closer to his chest.

“Arttu, I am not sure that dating me is the best thing for you.”

“Let me be the judge of that, alright?”

Arttu squeezes my fingers and pushes my mug toward me. I curl my fingers around it and sip cautiously. “Antti is right. You *are* stubborn.” I smile at him.

“Runs in the family,” Arttu replies. “You can spend the night here if you want to.”

I shake my head. “Thanks for the offer, but I rather go home. I need to talk to Jonne.”

“About what happened at the lake?”

“Yes. Jonne helps me sort out my thoughts.” I sip again and continue to study him. “Arttu, it is okay if you don’t want to spend time with me anymore.” It hurts, but I will accept it.

“Stop saying that. I still like you and I want to be with you.” Arttu watches me ponderingly. “It will take time for you to accept that though.”

“It took me months to accept that Jonne wasn’t going to throw me out and that Tommi wouldn’t bite my head off.” I glance shyly at Arttu. “Thanks for being so understanding. I am not used to people being like that.”

“You met the wrong kind of people in the past.” Arttu moves his chair closer to mine. “Thank you for giving us a chance.”

“I am not sure we will work out though,” I temper his enthusiasm. “And you might change your mind later.”

“I won’t. I am relieved though that you told me what happened to you. I will be careful and we will go slowly.”

“Thanks.” I feel shy again. Arttu’s close and he smells great. I love that scent.

“Can I kiss you?”

Arttu’s question makes me nervous. I want to kiss him too, but I am scared that we are moving too fast.

“It is just a kiss… It will make you feel good… and me too,” Arttu says and winks at me. “And you can break it off any time you want.”

Maybe it is that last piece that makes me nod. “Okay…” I hold my breath in anticipation as Arttu moves closer again. He slips one hand around my waist and the other moves into my hair. He brings me in for the kiss and I gasp. His lips are soft and he tastes of chocolate. That sensation makes me chuckle and Arttu looks at me as if to find out what is up. “You taste sweet.”

Arttu chuckles and licks his lip. “There is probably still a lot of whipped cream on my lips. What to kiss again?”

Actually I do. I m okay with kissing, which baffles me. I didn’t think I would feel comfortable around Arttu so quickly. But he is a nice guy who doesn’t rush me or pressure me into anything and he always offers me a way out. That puts me at ease and I gingerly move towards him to kiss him. I press my lips against his and close my eyes. Soft...soft and sweet...that is all I can think about. I allow the kiss to last another minute and then pull away from Arttu. I need to sort out the feelings running through me before I can move on.

“You are a great kisser,” Arttu whispers.

His fingers stroke my face and I smile shyly at him. “Your lips are soft.”

“Yours too.”

The silence that settles between us is strangely comforting and I don’t feel the need to fill it with talking. Instead, I surprise myself by leaning heavily against him as he enfolds me in an embrace. “I never thought that anything like this would happen to me.”

“I wasn’t sure you would give me a chance,” Arttu murmurs in my ear. “I was fairly certain that you were attracted to me, but I was still worried to tell you how I feel about you.”

“You have to be patient with me.” I raise my head from his shoulder and look him in the eye. “I don’t know how far I can go and…”

“Don’t worry about it. We will go slowly and find out.”

Arttu brushes my brow with his lips and I press closer to him. “I really like you...a lot.”

“I know that now…”

~~~

“I should walk you home,” Arttu says. “It is close to midnight and Jonne is probably wondering what is taking you.”

We have sat in the kitchen for a half hour and Arttu is still holding me. I am surprised that he doesn’t grow tired of doing so. “You don’t have to tag along. I know the way.”

“Let me...please. I feel more at ease when you are not walking home alone and…I don’t want to let you go just yet. You know...draw out the moment.”

Arttu winks at me and I smile at him. “Then tag along.”

~~~

“I don’t want to let you go yet,” Arttu says.

We have reached my apartment and instead of unlocking the door, I ring the doorbell. There is a light on in the living room and Jonne is probably waiting for me. “You can come upstairs if you want to.” Arttu nods so we climb the stairs together. I wonder what Jonne will say when he sees that Arttu is there too.

“Eero! There you are! Oh, hello Arttu!” Jonne looks surprised.

“Arttu walked me home,” I explain.

“Ah, thanks for returning Eero to me safely,” Jonne replies and smiles at Arttu. “Did the two of you enjoy yourselves?”

Arttu releases my hand long enough for me to remove my jacket and then claims it again. Antti is right: Arttu is stubborn. “We talked…” I look questioningly at Arttu. Is he okay with discussing it with Jonne?

“I told him that I am falling in love with him. That is why we are holding hands,” Arttu says.

Jonne’s eyes widen at that. “So quickly?”

“I am like that,” Arttu replies. “I hate wasting time. What is the use in dancing around each other?”

Jonne nods thoughtfully and focuses his gaze on me. “And what about you, Eero?”

“I told him that I feel the same way and...that he is getting himself into trouble by dating me. I told him…what happened…at that...foster family...a part of it…” I bite on my bottom lip, feeling nervous. Arttu nods and wraps an arm around me.

“I am relieved he did. I had no idea why he was rejecting me at first. I was certain he had feelings for me too!”

“So you discussed *that*?” Jonne asks.

“Sort of,” I reply. “I didn’t tell him any details.” I have to sit down. I feel tired and my head is spinning. Arttu comes with me when I head for the couch and sits down next to me. “He is stubborn though.” I incline my head into Arttu’s direction. “He still wants me.”

“He has good taste then! I don’t blame him!” Jonne smiles conspiratorially at Arttu, who grins right back at him.

“I should get going,” Arttu announces. “I really don’t want to though.” Arttu gets to his feet and bends toward me. “Sleep tight, Eero. Maybe you will dream about me tonight. I surely hope my dreams will feature you.” He gives me another kiss on the lips, strokes my hair, and smiles at me. He turns around, waves at me, and suddenly he is gone. Strange, I already miss him!

“You got it bad,” Jonne quips amused.

“Don’t laugh at me!” I sulk and shift restlessly on the couch.

“Ah Eero...it is great to be in love. You should enjoy the feeling, really!” Jonne sits down next to me and his expression turns serious. “So how did it go?”

“We went to the lake and suddenly he tells me that he likes me and wants to date me. I was stunned.”

“And what did you do?”

Jonne slides his fingers into my hair and strokes it soothingly. “I broke down. I never expected him to tell me that...I told him no, but he didn’t accept that.”

Jonne nods. “The Aatamilas are a stubborn breed, yes. So how did Arttu convince you to give him a chance?”

I draw in a deep breath. “I don’t know really. He didn’t run away…or turn away from me in disgust when I told him. He held me and said that he wasn’t going to let go…”

Jonne smiles contentedly. “I told you that he wouldn’t let you down, didn’t I?” Jonne cocks his head. “Does this mean you have a boyfriend now?”

I grow flustered. “I don’t think it is that serious yet.”

“Why do I have the feeling that Arttu would disagree?”

“Probably because you’re right…” I guess it means I have a boyfriend then. How strange is that? I never thought I would have one ever again. “I am scared I will fuck up though.”

“Even when you do, Arttu will understand why. It is a good thing you told him about the abuse. When you act strangely, he will know why. Eero, I am so proud of you for taking this step. I know it is hard on you, but you are moving forward. You are making progress. That is good!”

I rest my head against Jonne’s shoulder and mentally review everything that has happened so far.

“By the way, I called my former therapist and he gave me the phone number of a colleague of his. She specializes in helping survivors.”

Jonne’s words make me blink. I had almost forgotten about that. “It is a woman?” That might actually help. I might open up easier to a woman than a man.

“Yes, an elderly lady. She has an opening for you on Thursday morning at ten. If you want it, it is yours.”

It is Wednesday so that means I have time to get used to the idea of going to therapy. That is good. “Are you coming with me?”

“Do you want that?”

“It would help. I might get cold feet and not show up. You can stop me from running away.”

“If that is what you want, I will do that.”Jonne puts his arm around me and pulls me close. “You have come such a long way, Eero. I am proud of you.”

“I wish I felt the same way, but I don’t…” I can’t help feeling that way. I am used to feeling low and like a loser.

“Counseling will help,” Jonne says reassuringly. “Don’t expect miracles. I am not, but I am confident that you will get there in the end. You have a lot of family support and you have Arttu now. Oh, that is cute! You are blushing!”

Damn you for reminding me of that, Jonne! I shift uneasily on the couch.

“You are in love, Eero! That is great!” Jonne says enthusiastically.

“Jonne, stop it.”

“No, I won’t! You are in loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove.”

“Jonne, if you don’t stop that now then…”

“Then what?” Jonne cocks his head and challenges me.

“Then I…” What? What can I do? “Then I will tickle you!”

Jonne looks shocked. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“Try me!” I have no idea why I am verbally bantering with Jonne. Maybe because it helps me unwind.

“You are in loooooooooooooooooooooooooooove with Arttu! Eero is in—“

I reach for Jonne and start tickling him. He squeals like mad and tries to fight me off, but this time I am motivated. I told him that I would shut him up!

“Mercy! Eero…please…stop it…I will be quiet!” Jonne is fighting for breath and tears roll down his face.

I have pity on him and let him go. “I told you that I would shut you up.” I am smiling: I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time.

Jonne wipes at his eyes and waves a finger at me. “There will be payback later when you least expect it!”

“Talk is cheap,” I quip and wink at Jonne. Jonne sighs deeply, moves closer again, and rests his brow against mine.

“You have a gleam in your eyes which I never saw before and I love seeing it. Make sure it stays there, Eero.”

I swallow hard. “I will try.”

~~~

I frown upon entering my room. Why is Eeyore lying on my bed? “Jonne?”

“Yes?” Jonne peeks around the door.

I point at Eeyore and gaze at him questioningly.

“Ah that. I thought you might like something to cuddle up to at night.”

“Ah yes…” Still frowning, I cover the distance between us and come to a halt in front of Jonne. “Are you trying to tell me to sleep in my own bed?”

Jonne frowns as well. He seems confused, but then his expression clears. “No! I will always be there at night when you need me! I just thought that you liked him!”

I am relieved. I was afraid that Jonne was trying to tell me to not sneak into his bed anymore. “I thought…”

Jonne sighs. “I am sorry. I didn’t think of how it might come across if I put him on your bed.”

“It is not your fault.”

“And it is not yours either!”

I smile and shuffle my feet nervously. “I will be going to bed then.”

Jonne nods. “And dream of Arttu.”

Damn, he made me blush again. “Maybe.”

“Hopefully. And Eero, if you don’t want to be alone, you know where my bedroom is. You are always welcome to join me. I like cuddling with you too.”

“Thanks, Jonne. I will keep it in mind.” Jonne presses a kiss onto my cheek and leaves. I turn around and look at my bed. I really need to get comfortable sleeping without having Jonne close. I had just cuddled up to Eeyore when my mobile phone vibrates. Wondering who is sending me a message, I pick it up and look at the display. It is Arttu.

*I miss you already! Can I see you tomorrow? I am going to check out the university at noon. Shall I pick you up at eleven? We can use Antti’s car. Let me know!*

I smile happily. Arttu misses me…

*I miss you too. And yes, you can pick me up at eleven. I need to go to the university too. See you then…* I pause and wonder how I should end my message. *Wish you were here.* I add eventually. It is too soon for an ‘I love you’. I send the message and stare at the phone for another moment. Arttu misses me… I can hardly believe it.

I actually startle when my phone vibrates again. Arttu had replied and quickly at that.

*Maybe you want to sleep over tomorrow? My bed is big enough for two… or I can sleep on the couch...wish you were here too! Love you.*

I stare at the last two words for a long time. Jonne tells me that he loves me all the time, but this is Arttu. Arttu isn’t related to me and he doesn’t *have* to like me, and yet, he just told me that he loves me. Do I send a message telling him that I love him too? Do I love him? I am falling in love with him, but is that the same thing? But Arttu might get worried if I don’t reply! What a mess… It takes me ten minutes to come up with a solution.

*Love you too.*

That is it. That is all I am sending and I hold my breath while I press the send button. I keep staring at the display. I am not sure Arttu will send another message, but I wait for a few more minutes and then another message arrives.

*I will dream of you tonight! Sleep tight!*

I place my phone back onto the nightstand and pull Eeyore close to me. Arttu likes me...wants to be with me. He loves me and that is in spite of me being damaged goods. I never thought that I would find someone who would stand by me like that. But Arttu seems determined to back me up and be there for me.

I close my eyes, sigh deeply, and hope that I will dream of Arttu tonight.

TBC

Part 8

The next morning, Tommi is sitting in the kitchen when I get there. He looks happy while sipping his coffee. “Morning, Eero,” he says.

“Morning…” I need coffee before I feel up to talking to Tommi.

“Rough night?” Tommi cocks his head and grins. “Did you have any sweet dreams about Arttu by any chance? Don’t look so surprised. Jonne tells me everything.”

I stick out my tongue at him and fill up a mug with coffee. I add lots of sugar and milk and settle down on a chair opposite Tommi. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap an arm around them.

“Well, did you?”

Tommi isn’t nosy at all, is he? I sip from my coffee and shrug. “That is private.”

“Eero, you can’t keep secrets in this family. You should know that by now.” Tommi wags a finger at me. “But Arttu is not the reason why I am here, although I am glad to hear that the two of you get along so well.”

“Why are you here?” I feel a bit more human after drinking some coffee and my senses start to wake.

“Jonne told me about your plan to save for a laptop,” Tommi replies.

“Ah that. Yes, I figure if I put one hundred euro aside each month I can buy a decent one in six months.” Tommi frowns at me.

“Why not more? You are getting two hundred a month.”

“I want to put seventy-five aside each month to save for a drum set.”

Tommi frowns even more. “That leaves you only twenty-four euro as spending money.”

I shrug. “I have everything I need. There is food in the kitchen, I have a bed to sleep in, and clothes to wear. The little things I need don’t cost much.”

Tommi blinks. “You really got things organized, don’t you?”

I shrug again. “It helps that I know what I want out of life. I need that laptop once classes start and I want that drum set. Antti lets me use his old one when I visit, but I want my own.”

Tommi seems to think everything over. “I have something for you. It is not the latest model and you need to install some programs, but for the rest it is fine.” Tommi opens the brief case standing next to him on the floor and removes a laptop from it. “It is my old one. I don’t use it anymore since I got a newer model. You can have it.”

I stare at Tommi in disbelief. “Just like that?” I take hold of the laptop and place it on the kitchen table. A quick look shows that it is not *that* old a model and it will do nicely.

“Just like that. I told you that I was going to help you, especially regarding your studies.” Tommi finishes his coffee and puts the mug on the kitchen table. “Do you have to start from scratch with your classes?”

“I don’t know yet.” I start up the laptop to find out what sort of programs Tommi already has installed on it. “Arttu will pick me up at eleven and then we will go to the campus. He wants to study English, you know.”

“Smart kid.” Tommi nods. “So, you are going to get registered?”

“I think so. You are giving me a chance and I would be stupid if I threw it away.”

“That is good to hear. So what is this about you and Arttu? Jonne told me something, but...are you two together?”

I am not sure. “Arttu wants me as his boyfriend.”

“I get that. What about you though? Do you want that too?”

“I want that, yes, but…” Do I really have to tell it all over again? Wasn’t telling it twice enough?

“Jonne mentioned that you weren’t sure you could handle it…because of what that bastard did to you.”

Tommi’s words make me flinch and I stare at the floor. Suddenly I feel dirty again. The feeling had gone when Arttu had taken me into his arms and now it is back.

“What is wrong?”

Tommi moves his chair closer to mine. Can I be honest with him? Do I want to tell him why I am upset? What if he gets angry with me? Suddenly Tommi takes my hand into his and raises my head so I have to look at him.

“What did I do?”

“It is…the way…you phrased it. I feel dirty…again… I didn’t last night when I told Arttu...”

Tommi sighs deeply. “I am sorry. I am just so very angry with that…man.”

“I don’t feel well…I am sorry, but…” The kitchen sink is closest and since I don’t want to throw up on the table, I run over there. I grab hold of it, claw at the cool material, and heave. The coffee makes its way back and whatever is left of last night’s sandwiches too.

“Damn it…” Tommi gets up from his chair, steadies me, and wraps his arm around me. “I am sorry. I didn’t want for that to happen,” he whispers guiltily.

Tommi gathers my hair and moves it away from my face. The heaving stops and I feel embarrassed because of what has happened. Tommi guides me back to my chair and I sit down. I am shaking like a leaf. Suddenly everything that happened during the last thirty-six hours comes crashing in on me.

“You are safe… I am here with you… I will keep you safe.”

Tommi wraps me up in an embrace and rocks me slowly...just like Jonne does when I am upset. “I need…a moment…I…” I fail to finish as I start crying all over again. It is not fair that I have to go through this again!

“You were strong yesterday and now it needs out,” Tommi whispers. “You went through a lot.”

“What is going on in here?” Jonne appears in the doorway and gazes at us worriedly. “Tommi?”

“I accidentally upset him...I didn’t mean to,” Tommi explains.

I calm down and push myself away from Tommi. I need some personal space right now. “It happened...doesn’t matter why…” From the corner of my eye, I see Jonne glare at Tommi. I know that look: it means Tommi will have to explain himself to Jonne later, but that is not my concern. I need to calm down so I am not a nervous wreck when Arttu gets here. He will quickly grow fed up when I keep breaking down.

“We will talk about it later,” Tommi says, clearly addressing Jonne.

I raise my head and look at Jonne. “I need to get ready. Arttu will be here in twenty minutes and I am a mess.”

Jonne nods. “Go on then…”

I get to my feet and flee the kitchen. Why did Tommi have to say that?

After showering, brushing my teeth, and rinsing with mouth water, I still feel dirty. I feel dirty in my mind and it has little to do with the state of my body. Dressed in jeans, a wide, warm sweater, scarf, and boots, I wait for Arttu to show up. I put on a beanie and slip into my jacket. I catch my reflection in the mirror in the hallway and flinch. I look bad. Maybe I should add a pair of sunglasses and ignore the fact that the sun is nowhere to be seen. I find some stuffed away in the dresser in the hallway and put them on, even though they are Jonne’s. I know that he won’t mind. They are still in the kitchen and I hear them talking though I can’t make out the words.

I decide not to wait for Arttu in the hallway. I move into the corridor and descend the staircase. The elevator is finally working again, but I ignore it. I need to move. I open the door downstairs and step out onto the street. Breathing in the chilly air, I finally feel better if only marginally.

I hear my name and, looking up, I see Arttu walking toward me. Suddenly I know what will make me feel better and I throw myself at him. Arttu quickly opens his arms and catches me. “Hey, what is wrong?” Arttu asks worriedly.

I press myself against him. I need Arttu close. I need him to make everything right again. He managed to do so last night. Maybe he can take the pain away this time too. “I need you,” I whisper and hope he won’t push me away because I’m too clingy.

“I have got you…”

Arttu holds me tight and slowly, that dark devouring feeling leaves me. He places a finger under my chin and lifts my face so I have to make eye contact. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Not right now. Later…” I embrace him tightly as if to stop him from ever leaving me.

“I am here and I am not letting go… It is okay… It really is…”

Arttu rubs my back in soothing circles and I loosen my hold on him. “Sorry…” I hope that he managed to breathe through that crushing hold. I feel better now though.

“That is okay. You needed to know I am here.”

Arttu is right again. “I don’t think I will be much use today… Maybe you should go to the university without me.” I make the offer though it will kill me if Arttu takes me up on it. I need him close...to take away this pain.

“Let’s go there tomorrow or whenever you feel up to it. I guess you don’t want to go home? Is that why you were waiting for me here?”

I nod. “Tommi said something that upset me and he is still up there. Can we go someplace else?” I cling to Arttu and refuse to let go of him yet. Fortunately for me, Arttu doesn’t seem to mind. He even folds an arm around my waist and pulls me along as he starts walking down the street. “Thanks…” Arttu has a thoughtful look in his eyes when he glances at me and I wonder what he is thinking.

“You *will* tell me what Tommi said later when you feel up to it?”

“I will, but I need time to…deal with it…okay?” To my relief Arttu nods. “So where are we going?”

“I was thinking that we could go to a quiet bistro and talk…” Arttu cocks his head. “Not about Tommi...just whatever you want to talk about.”

“I am okay with that.” As long as Arttu stays close, I am okay with everything he suggests.

~~~

“Antti jumped right into the pool! Fully dressed! The chocolate was everywhere! Jonne was pissed off since he wanted to do that himself! It was his birthday party after all!”

I chuckle. Arttu has managed the impossible. He drove away my gloomy thoughts and actually made me laugh. “I wish I could have seen that.”

“I think Lauri filmed it…” Arttu frowns. “He was quite obsessed about capturing everything on film for a while.”

Arttu had captured my hand in his and has been playing with my fingers for a while now. His touch soothes me, his open and carefree nature helps me relax, and being around Arttu closes wounds. I don’t know why though. It is like I found someone who can take away the pain.

“Do you like your strawberry flavored tea? I, for my part, won’t order the banana flavored one ever again!”

Arttu did it again. I am chuckling. “Who in his right mind would order it anyway?”

“I love seeing you smile,” Arttu says and moves closer. “You should smile more often.”

“You give me a reason to smile,” I say, feeling bashful. “There is something about you that makes me relax and smile.”

“You are falling in love with me and so I seem perfect to you,” Arttu quips. “But that is okay. You can worship me all you want.”

I am chuckling again. “Priceless.”

“Precious…”

Arttu is making me blush. “I am not precious.”

“You are to me.” Arttu leans in closer.

His lips descend onto mine and this time I open my mouth so he can deepen the kiss. I am starting to get addicted to these kisses. I sigh into his mouth, fold an arm around him, and savor the moment. When we pull apart, Arttu actually looks flustered.

“Wow, you are a damn good kisser!”

My ego expands about a million miles at that and I lower my gaze. “Thanks.”

“Hey, don’t be shy… It is just me…”

Arttu tips my head up and I smile shyly at him. “I would like to kiss you.”

“I would love for you to kiss me,” Arttu counters and wiggles an eyebrow at me.

“Arttu...are you okay with this? Everything might seem fine now, but...it only takes a little thing to set me off these days. I noticed that when Tommi upset me earlier this morning.”

“Eero, I am here to stay. We will fight side by side, alright?”

The look he gives me is full of love and I swallow hard. “I agreed to go to therapy. I start tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect though or if it will help.”

“You want to recover. That is the only thing that matters. You will get there...we will.”

I hug Arttu close. He has come to mean so much to me in such little time. “I need you though.”

“I will help wherever I can,” Arttu promises. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

“That is what Jonne always says.”

“It is the truth.”

I didn’t fully realize that until now though. I am not alone anymore… I am not.

We stay at the bistro until six in the evening and even I realize that we can’t stay there the entire evening. Eventually, I have to go home and face Tommi. I wonder how angry he is with me for first losing it in front of him and then running away. “Arttu?” I raise my head and peek at him. Arttu has been a great support so far so maybe he won’t mind sticking around a little longer.

“Yes, Eero?” Arttu sips from his cola.

“I should go home and...I can’t run away from Tommi indefinitely.”

Arttu nods. “Do you want me to come with you?”

He soothingly rubs my fingers between his and I nod. “That would be great… I need…you… your support.”

Arttu leans in closer and smiles. “You know…for someone who claims that he isn’t in touch with his feelings, you voice them rather well.”

I grow flustered. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, you didn’t. On the contrary, you are doing great.” Arttu gets to his feet. “Let’s get going.”

Arttu pulls me to my feet too and we leave the bistro. I am nervous since I don’t know how Tommi will react upon seeing me. I can only hope that he understands why I ran away.

~~~

After unlocking the door, I step into the hallway. Immediately, I hear voices coming from the kitchen. They belong to Jonne and Tommi. I had hoped that Tommi had left since he probably had to work. I hope that he didn’t take time off because of me.

“Hey, there you are. We worried about you!” Jonne says.

Jonne walks towards me and pulls me into an embrace. “Sorry… I needed to get away for a while.”

“At least you weren’t alone,” Jonne states and smiles warmly at Arttu when he releases me. “Are the two of you hungry? I can make sandwiches or soup.”

“No thanks. We ate at a bistro.” My gaze shifts from Jonne toward Tommi, who looks worried, but not angry. That is a good sign. I let go of Arttu’s hand and walk over to my oldest brother. Nervously, I stand in front of him and shuffle my feet. “I am sorry for leaving like that,” I apologize. “But I needed a time-out.” Tommi rises from his chair and I cringe involuntarily, not knowing what will come next.

“Eero...” Tommi sighs and shakes his head. “You don’t need to apologize to me. I understand why you got upset and needed some personal space. Everything was my fault to begin with.” Tommi opens his arms. “Do you forgive me? And do I get a hug from my brother?”

I swallow hard. I can’t possibly deny him and move into his arms, which he wraps loosely around me. I rest my hands on his shoulders and my head against his chest. “Thanks for your understanding, Tommi.”

“I really don’t know why you are scared of me, Eero. I know I am loud and sometimes I act without thinking first, but I will never hurt you. I will defend and protect you wherever I can. So stop being afraid of me. I am your brother, Eero. I love you.”

I rub my cheek against Tommi’s shoulder and smile thankfully. “In my head I know that, but my heart is a different matter.”

“Then we will work on making your heart believe that you are safe with me.”

I raise my head and look Tommi in the eye. I can tell that he is serious and that he doesn’t want me to feel intimidated around him. “I will work on it,” I promise.

Arttu coughs and draws my attention. I let go of Tommi, who releases me in turn, and move to Arttu’s side. Arttu takes my hand in his and gives me an odd look. I have the feeling that I know what he wants me to do, but isn’t it too early to make it official?

I probably remain quiet too long because suddenly Arttu starts to speak.

“I hope that it is okay with you two...that I am dating Eero, I mean. But no matter what you say, I am not giving up on him. I love Eero and I want to be with him.”

A blush settles on my face at that. He squeezes my fingers and pulls me against him. I have to say something, but what? “Arttu is right… I want to be with him too.” I glance at Jonne and see him smile. I had a feeling he would be okay with this, but how about Tommi?

“I am happy for the two of you,” Tommi says and smiles. “I hope you two will work out.”

Arttu grins. “I guess that means that you don’t mind if I spend the night here? I don’t want to leave Eero alone tonight.”

Arttu makes me blush. I want him to stay too, but I am not sure I have the guts to tell Jonne and Tommi that.

“Sure you can stay!” Tommi declares after exchanging a look with Jonne. “But I have to get going. I have an important meeting in the morning and I need some decent sleep tonight!”

Tommi walks towards me and gives me another hug before smiling at Arttu and goes out the door. That went better than I thought. Tommi wasn’t angry with me at all!

“It is a bit early though to go to bed already,” Jonne remarks. “It is only seven o’clock.”

Arttu nods. “What do you suggest?”

“We can watch a movie together,” Jonne replies.

“Good idea! Do you have Pirates of the Caribbean? I always wanted to see that one!” Arttu responds enthusiastically.

Jonne nods. “I should have it somewhere. I will find it.” Jonne walks toward the doorway, but before he steps into the living room, he turns around. “And Arttu, if you ever hurt Eero or break his heart, you will answer to me.” He smiles deceitfully sweet and then leaves the kitchen.

Arttu gives me an odd look and I shrug. “I don’t know what that was about.”

“But I do. Jonne feels protective of you. Antti is exactly the same.” Arttu wraps me up in another hug and kisses me. “There is no need to threaten me though. I don’t intend to ever hurt you,” he adds.

“And I will never hurt you…” I hope I can stick to that promise.

~~~~

The movie ends and I am yawning big time. The conversation I'd had with Tommi this morning tired me and I want to crawl into bed and sleep.

“Do you have any plans for tomorrow?” Jonne asks as he switches off the television. He stretches and seems tired too.

“Don’t you have therapy tomorrow?” Arttu asks.

“Yes, at ten. Jonne, are you still coming with me?” I need him to be there.

“Of course! I won’t let you go there alone!” Jonne yawns.

“And maybe, if you feel up to it, we can try going to the university again?” Arttu suggests.

I hope I will have enough energy left to do that after therapy. I don’t know what to expect from the first session. “We can do that.”

“Let’s go to bed,” Jonne suggests and gets to his feet. “I don’t know about you two, but I am dead on my feet. Sleep tight!” Jonne smiles, waves at us, and disappears into his bedroom.

That leaves Arttu and me alone in the living room. Arttu stands and extends his hand to pull me up. I take it and a moment later, I am standing next to him. “Are you okay with me staying the night? I invited myself.”

I nod quickly. “More than okay.” I hold his hand in mine and lead him into my bedroom. Arttu laughs when he sees Eeyore lying on the bed. “That is Jonne’s doing.”

“I love stuffed animals,” Arttu says. “And Eeyore is cute!”

Arttu pulls me in for another hug and rubs my back. “Don’t be so insecure, Eero. I love you…”

I choke up at that and hide my face against Arttu’s shoulder.

“You need to hear that a lot, don’t you?” Arttu whispers.

He strokes my back and I nod against his shoulder. “I am afraid so.” I hope it won’t tire him having to say it all the time.

“You *will* hear it a lot! Every day!”

~~~

Curling up to Arttu in my bed feels odd. Having him here feels peculiar to begin with! I cuddle up to him and stroke his face. Arttu wraps his arms around me and I sigh contentedly against his shoulder. We are both wearing boxers and T-shirts since I don’t feel comfortable yet being naked around him. The fabric makes me feel safer. It is a huge step for me in the first place to allow Arttu to sleep in my bed. “I should warn you…”

Arttu has a serious look on his face when he asks, “What about?”

“I tend to have nightmares… You might want to sleep on the couch in case it happens again.”

“I am not leaving you!” Arttu says indignantly. “Especially not when you are having a nightmare! What kind of boyfriend would that make me? I want to take care of you.”

I can’t help making a joke. “In good times and in bad?”

Arttu however looks rather serious at that. “Yes. Eero, you are my second boyfriend. I don’t get into relationships just like that.” He snaps his fingers. “When I do, I commit myself to the other person!”

I swallow hard. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Of course you do!” Arttu tightens his hold. “So no more talk about me leaving the bed just because you are having a bad dream.”

Arttu smiles at me and presses a kiss onto my brow. “It takes time for me…to accept that…you are for real…and that you will stick around,” I explain to him.

Arttu nods. “I get that… I know where you are coming from.”

He strokes my hair and I cuddle up to him again. “Thanks for being you, Arttu.”

Arttu chuckles softly. “I love you too, Eero. Now let’s get some sleep…”

Tiredly, I nod against his shoulder and close my eyes. Arttu’s scent drifts into my nostrils and helps me relax. I float off into sleep before I know it.

~~~

It would help if I knew what to expect, but I don’t. I had asked Jonne, but he can’t help me since he doesn’t know what the therapist wants to discuss either. “I am nervous,” I admit and search the waiting area. Jonne and I are the only people in here.

“Don’t fight her. Try to cooperate. It is the only advice I can give you,” Jonne replies.

The door opens and an elderly woman steps into the waiting area. “Eero?”

She smiles at me. I draw in a deep breath and get to my feet. “That is me.”

She steps aside. “Why don’t you sit down already? Do you want anything to drink?

“Coffee would be great.”

“I will get you some.”

I exchange a last look with Jonne before I enter the office. Jonne nods encouragingly and I tell myself that I can do this...that I must do this if I want a future with Arttu.

~~~

I don’t know what to make of my feelings when I leave the office an hour later. The session was nothing like I had expected it to be. Sure, we talked about my childhood, but mostly we discussed my relationship with Jonne and my feelings for Arttu.

“I will see you again on Tuesday,” the therapist says. “Don’t forget to make an appointment on your way out. You did really well, Eero. You should feel proud of yourself.”

I shake her hand in parting and see Jonne’s relief when he joins me. She closes the door behind her and I move into my brother’s arms.

“How did it go?”

Jonne cocks his head and searches my face. I didn’t cry nor am I upset. “It went okay, I guess. It was weird talking to her about such personal things though.”

We get another appointment on our way out and once we are on the street again, I blink. All of a sudden, I realize what had happened. I had told this woman my most secret thoughts.

“Did she manage to help you?” Jonne asks.

I nod. “In a weird way, yes. I am not sure what to make of it though.” With my hand safely tucked within Jonne’s, we start on our way home. “I thought she wanted to talk about the shelter and that foster family and we did, but only for a few minutes. She was more interested in what was going on in my life right now. I told her about you, Tommi, Ville, and Arttu of course. She seemed rather pleased to hear about Arttu in particular.”

Jonne merely nods and for some reason I feel like I want to tell him more. “She said that it is normal for me to be worried and maybe even scared about my relationship with Arttu. I am worried that Arttu will tire of me and that I will lose him. She also said that I shouldn’t worry about being intimate with Arttu since that won’t happen for a while. I need to work on trusting him first.”

Jonne smiles. “Sounds like she is wise.”

“No, weird. It felt like she already knew a lot of the stuff I was telling her in advance.”

Jonne coughs nervously. “Maybe it is because she helps a lot of survivors through those stages?”

“Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know, but...I liked talking to her. I feel better now.”

“I am happy to hear that. So you will go there again on Tuesday?”

“I think so. She wants me to come in twice a week so we can talk…” I frown. “I always thought counseling would be…painful in a way, but I actually feel good about myself.” Jonne squeezes my hand. “Maybe the bad stuff will come later.”

“Maybe,” Jonne agrees. “Hey, isn’t that Arttu?”

Arttu had gone home after breakfast, claiming that Antti might kill him if he didn’t show up sometime during the day. Apparently, Antti worries about his younger brother too! “Yes, it is!”

Arttu waves at me and he speeds up. A moment later, I am in his arms. He smells great. He must have showered and slipped into clean clothes. “You are early.” We had agreed that he would come over at noon and it is barely eleven thirty.

“I missed you!”

Jonne chuckles at that and unlocks the door to our apartment building. “Young love,” he whispers melancholically. We follow Jonne upstairs and Arttu wants to know how therapy went, so I tell him. He seems pleased that I want to go back there on Tuesday and curls an arm around me.

“I am happy that it works out for you!” Arttu says.

“I am happy too.” We go into my room and Arttu sits down on the bed.

“Are you up to going to the university? Or do you want to do that next week?” Arttu asks.

I consider the question. I am actually okay with going there. “Just give me a moment to grab a bite to eat.”

“There is no reason to rush!” “Arttu smiles and pats the space on the bed next to him. “Sit with me?”

I sit down and wonder what he is up to. “Yes?” Arttu grins, wraps an arm around me, and leans in closer to kiss me. I love the way his soft lips press against mine and I open my mouth to let him in. It is odd, but I’m not nervous at all. I feel at ease around Arttu. When we pull apart a minute later, we are both smiling. “I love you,” I whisper and caress his face. “If you go slowly with me, we will get there.”

Arttu nods. “I think so too.”

We still have a long road ahead of us, but we are determined to make things work and with the help of my brothers and my new therapist, we will get there eventually.

The end