Title: Love Cats

Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairing: Juha/Jack

Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jack’s cat escapes to his neighbor’s apartment and Jack makes a new acquaintance.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

All mistakes are mine.

Beta read by Notsogaladriel, thanks!

Note à This story takes turns, describing matters from Juha’s and Jack’s perspective. Juha starts it off.

Note à Don’t ask me why the Cure’s Love Cats inspired this :P

Love Cats

Ah
We move like cagey tigers
We couldn't get closer than this
The way we walk
The way we talk
The way we stalk
The way we kiss
We slip through the streets
While everyone sleeps
Getting bigger and sleeker
And wider and brighter
We bite and scratch and scream all night
Let's go and throw
All the songs we know...

Into the sea
You and me
All these years and no one heard
I'll show you in spring
It's a treacherous thing
We missed you hissed the lovecats

We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully
Wonderfully pretty!
Oh you know that I'd do anything for you...
We should have each other to tea huh?
We should have each other with cream
Then curl up by the fire
And sleep for awhile
It's the grooviest thing
It's the perfect dream

Into the sea
You and me
All these years and no one heard
I'll show you in spring
It's a treacherous thing
We missed you hissed the lovecats

We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully
Wonderfully pretty!
Oh you know that I'd do anything for you...
We should have each other to dinner huh?
We should have each other with cream
Then curl up in the fire
Get up for awhile
It's the grooviest thing
It's the perfect dream

Hand in hand
Is the only way to land
And always the right way round
Not broken in pieces
Like hated little meeces...
How could we miss
Someone as dumb as this?

I love you... let's go...
Oh... solid gone...
How could we miss
Someone as dumb as this?

( or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0vdt7f2YRw )

The Cure – Love cats…

Part1

“Meow…”

Hum, what’s that? I don’t own a cat, so why is one meowing and disturbing my peace? I turn onto my other side and push the comforter out of the way. It’s way too hot to cover myself with it, but I like the feeling of hiding beneath it. I’ve been hiding for some time now and I don’t think I’m ready yet to show myself to anyone, not even to this annoying cat who continues meowing.

“Meow, meow…”

Reluctantly I open an eye and search my bedroom for the disturber of my peace. I opened the bedroom window before I lay down and the fine lace that makes up my white curtains moves along in the breeze. Summer has come to Helsinki, but the heat doesn’t suit my mood at all. I’d rather have winter with its snow and ice, but unfortunately I have no say in that matter.

“Meow..”

Movement shows on the balcony and the next moment a feline appears from beneath the curtains. It’s black fur shines with health and the green eyes definitely possess a hint of wickedness. Now where did this cat come from? It must have jumped onto my balcony and now it’s found a way into my bedroom. Growing bolder, it heads for my bed and I lift my head in order to study it more closely. My guess is that’s a tomcat – it’s big and heavy… “Where do you come from?”

The cat jumps onto my bed and sneaks up to my face. It cocks its head and stares into my eyes until I feel the need to look away. I don’t know why it’s here or why it has sought me out but I wish it would go away again.

“Whom did you escape from?” The cat wears a collar which has stones that glitter attached to it. It strikes me as much too ‘girly’ for the cat.

Raising my hand, I reluctantly pet it. The cat starts to purr after a while and I move the collar a bit, realizing it has a name on it. “Princess,” I say aloud and can’t help but laugh. “You look more like Dumbo!” The cat gives me an offended look and I have got the feeling that it actually understood what I said. “I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry.” Why the hell am I apologizing to a cat? I really lost my mind completely then. No more hope. No way back. I finally lost it!

The cat seems to pick up on my darkened mood and pushes her head beneath my hand in the hope of being stroked again. I’m guessing it’s a she after all. Who in his right mind would call a tomcat Princess? But then again, some people aren’t in their right mind – take me for example.

“So what are you doing here, Princess? Did you run out on someone?” She looks well taken care of with that tummy of hers and the collar also indicates that she has a devoted owner. “You gave someone the slip, didn’t you? Bad girl.”

Oh, yeah. That’s me! I’d rather talk to animals than people these days. Although it’s rare for me to talk at all. It’s been days since I last talked to anyone and that was the salesperson in the pharmacy where I went to get my medication. I don’t like being around people and I’m not sure I want this cat about either. “I should find your owner and return you to him. You can’t stay here.”

Princess seems to disagree though and makes herself comfortable on the comforter. She stretches, buries her nails in the fabric and purrs even louder when I stroke her fur. “You really can’t stay with me. Your owner probably already misses you.” She must belong to one of my neighbors. She seems too fat to jump very far… But then again, cats can amaze you with their tricks. Maybe she visited the former resident of this apartment and that’s why she’s here? I only moved in two weeks ago and the cardboard boxes fill up most of the rooms as I lack the energy to unpack them.

Princess’ purring grows even louder and it resembles the sounds of an engine running smoothly. I should get up and find her owner, but to be honest… I can’t be bothered. I want to stay in bed, like I’ve done for the last week but to get up and take action seems like an unachievable goal. I’ll have to move eventually as I have no cat food in the house and she’ll get hungry shortly.

I rest my head on my arm and pull my knees close to my chest. I’m not sure how I feel about having a guest over. Most of the time I prefer solitude, but I’ve had cats for pets when I was young and I like their soothing presence. Princess seems to pick up on that and snuggles against my chest. I hold my breath, but then I relax and put my arm around her. She purrs, moves her padded feet against my chest and rests her head on her paws. She is a beauty and I have the feeling she’s very smart – for a cat.

“We can’t stay like this for long,” I whisper, more to myself than in order to lecture her. “I don’t have any food, or cat litter for the matter.” And I don’t want her making a mess of my apartment. Her large, green eyes focus on mine and I get the feeling that I’m being studied in turn. “I’ll find your owner in a bit, okay?” I want to enjoy her presence just a little longer. Closing my eyes, I lose myself in the sensation of patting her fur. It creates a tingling in my fingertips. It’s strange, but comforting to have her close – she’s warm and her little body moves beneath my touch every time she draws in and releases her breath again. The sensation is so soothing that it lures me into sleep.

~~~

Oh damn, this is not good. The sun is about to set and I’ve been asleep for hours. Princess is still at my side and she watches me with those knowing eyes of her. She must be hungry and I need to take action, whether I want to or not. I sit up and she lets me know that she doesn’t appreciate my movement by hissing at me. “I’m sorry, but I need to find your owner and take you home.” However, how am I going to do that? I don’t know my neighbors yet and I have no idea which one of them owns a cat. Am I supposed to ring all door bells in order to find out? Me? Who’s already afraid to set foot outside of the apartment? Sighing, I run my hand through my long hair. I really need to wash it, but I simply lack the energy to do so.

I put my feet on the floor and draw in a deep breath. I’m not looking forward to searching the apartment building, but I don’t have a choice. With difficulty, I get to my feet and instantly place a hand against the wall in order to steady myself as I feel dizzy. Eating some food would be a good idea, but I don’t know if I still have something edible at home. Come to think of it, when was the last time I ate? I don’t remember…

It takes me some time, but eventually I make my way over to a cardboard box that contains some of my clothes. I slip into a pair of black jeans and don a black shirt. That has to do. I don’t have the energy to dress up. Running my fingers through my hair I remove the worst tangles. Looking about, I realize how much work there is still to be done. The walls need new wallpaper, and I should definitely clean the place, but…not today…and probably not tomorrow either. I’m going to find Princess’ owner and then I’m going to curl up in bed again.

“Come along, cat,” I say and look at her from over my shoulder. “Let’s get you home.”

Princess doesn’t seem eager to go home though and stretches again. Her nails tightly bury themselves in the mattress and she closes her eyes. Great. That means she won’t move out of her own accord and I have no desire to feel her claws on me. I’ll have to find her owner first, so she or he can remove the feline from my bed. Just when I thought that things couldn’t get worse, they did.

I pick up the keys to the apartment as I don’t want to lock myself out accidentally. After drawing in a deep breath, I open the door and look into the hallway. I’m all alone and all the doors are closed. Let’s get this on the way then. Stalling won’t get me anywhere.

Stepping into the hallway I look about. I decide to try the door to my left and ring the bell. The name tag on the door reads Eeva Ahokainen and I ring the bell again. There’s no response though. Either she isn’t at home or she doesn’t want to be disturbed. If I don’t find the owner, I will write her a message and tape it on the door so she can read it.

The door to the right then… I don’t want to do this. I want to go back to bed and hide from the world. Unfortunately I can’t. Ringing the door bell, I search for a name tag. I don’t find one however. The door suddenly opens and involuntarily I step away from it as I don’t know what kind of person I’m facing. I’ve become cautious these last few months.

“Hei!”

I swallow nervously and stare at the young man standing opposite me. He seems to be my age and I’m guessing he’s twenty, maybe twenty-one years old. His hair is black and reaches his shoulders. The eyes twinkle and their blue color is quite intense. A wicked smile appears on his face when he sees me and I let my hair fall in front of my face so I can hide behind it. He doesn’t appear threatening, but I learnt to be cautious.

“Hei,” I whisper. My voice is barely audible though and I quickly peek at him to see if the expression on his face has changed. Sometimes, people take an instant dislike to me because I look too feminine for their taste, but I can’t help looking like that.

“I don’t know you, do I?”

The black-haired man smiles at me and the smile seems genuine, but I remain alert. “No, you don’t. I moved in two weeks ago.” I really don’t want to carry on a conversation. I just want to know if the cat belongs to him and then move on. Studying him from behind my curtain of hair I wonder if he’s the type who enjoys pets. His eyes are lined with Kohl and his shirt has a pirate skull on it. Combined with the tight leather pants he’s wearing he looks… Well, how does he look? Extra-ordinary I guess.

“Ah yes, I remember seeing people haul stuff upstairs! I’m Jack, by the way!”

He offers me his hand and I stare at it. Should I take it? I don’t trust people and I don’t want to make mistakes. “I’m Juha,” I reply and shake his hand, but only for a moment, then I pull it back. Staring at the floor, I wish the floor would open and swallow me. I don’t want to be here! Dealing with strangers unsettles me.

“And how can I help you, Juha?”

Another quick peek at his face tells me that Jack’s smiling brightly. He seems pleased about this meeting, but I just want to get it over with. “Are you missing a cat called Princess? She sneaked into my bedroom.” This time, I look longer at his face and see disbelief on it, which then changes into annoyance.

“She did it again! Damn that cat!”

“She’s yours then?” I flinch. I dislike his loud voice.

“Oh yes, she’s mine… Or I’m hers… You never know with cats! I’m sorry she bothered you! I’ll pick her up right now and believe me, she’ll not escape again!”

Jack closes the door behind him and gives me an expectant look. Great, now I’m stuck with him too.

~~~

I continue to stare blatantly at Juha. My, what a beauty! I can tell that much even though he tries to hide behind that hair of his, which really is a lovely red. The roots are showing though so I know it’s not his natural color, which would have surprised me. I doubt anyone has hair like that from birth!

So this is my new neighbor? Sure, I know that someone moved in two weeks ago. I saw them move the stuff into the apartment, but I was composing a song and didn’t want to break the magic of the moment and had to finish it. If I had known a beauty like that was moving in I would have gone outside to meet him!

Juha looks away. He appears to be quite shy, and I wonder why. He’s tall, has alert eyes and looks good enough to eat. As far as I’m concerned, he has nothing to be insecure about. A closer look reveals that he’s awfully pale though and that although it’s summer. Most Finnish people tend to tan a bit, but Juha’s as pale as snow.

“Do you want her back?” Juha says as he turns around to look at me.

“Whom? Oh, yes, Princess! Of course I do!” My thoughts traveled off for a moment and I forgot why he rang the doorbell in the first place. That little devil got away again! She does it on purpose – I’m convinced of it. She loves confusing me and it has happened before that she showed up back home just when I was about to go mad with worry. I know that she can take care of herself, but so many things can happen. What if a cat hater puts poison into a snack and leaves it on the floor for her? I love my little Princess and don’t want to lose her, so I chase after her whenever she runs away.

“I couldn’t get her off of my bed,” Juha says as he opens the door to his apartment.

“She’s quite strong-willed,” I agree. Princess has a mind of her own and it’s an illusion to think that she’ll ever do as I want her to. “I hope she didn’t destroy anything? She can be quite vicious.” She really hated the sculpture Sammy got me for my birthday. She wagged her tail at it and it fell off the table. Of course it shattered into a million pieces and truth be told, I didn’t bother putting it back together again. Sammy’s taste and mine differ and I wasn’t fond of that gift in the first place. I wouldn’t have willingly destroyed it though.

“There might be some holes in my comforter, but that should be about it.”

I cringe – bad kitty, she’s going to get a lecture from hell. “I’m really sorry about that.” Juha has opened the door to his apartment and I step inside. The first thing that strikes me is the state the apartment is in. The hallway, and the living room which I can see from where I’m standing, are a mess and filled with cardboard boxes and bags. Juha moved in two weeks ago and if it had been me, I would have unpacked everything the same day. But Juha doesn’t seem to be in a hurry.

“Don’t mind the boxes,” Juha says as he sees my odd look. “I haven’t had the time to unpack.”

I wonder if that’s the truth though – he lowers his gaze and moves his feet nervously. I’ve got the feeling I’m missing out on some information here, but it’s not really my business why Juha hasn’t settled in yet. “So where is the runaway?”

“Bedroom,” Juha says and points me in the right direction.

I follow Juha into the bedroom and cringe. In here, it doesn’t look comfortable or cozy at all. There are more boxes, the bed is a mess and there are clothes on the floor. I’m surprised at this. I don’t know Juha at all, but I pride myself on being a good judge of character and Juha doesn’t strike me as sloppy.

Juha seems embarrassed and I wonder what to do. The way he’s looking at the floor tells me he feels ashamed for the mess his apartment is in, but it’s not really my business, so why does he seem distressed? In order to distract him and put him at ease, I walk toward the bed. “Ah, there you are! I didn’t even notice you had given me the slip! This means no patting before we go to bed, lady!”

Behind me, I hear Juha laugh softly and I look at him from over my shoulder. My, he looks gorgeous when he smiles. His whole face lights up with this inner light and I like it!

Princess hisses at me though and buries her claws into Juha’s comforter again. “Now stop doing that! You’re a guest here and you’re coming home with me now!” I won’t have any of this nonsense. I know that cats tend to be strong-willed and independent, but Princess has to learn that she simply can’t barge into other people’s apartments like that. I move to pick her up, but pull back just in time to avoid getting scratched. “What do you think you’re doing?”

She’s hissing again and I know the look in her eyes – it means she will bite if I try removing her from the bed again. “You can’t stay here. Now stop this!” Yes, like reasoning with the animal is going to work! But I have to try!

“I don’t think she wants to leave…”

Juha’s soft voice sounds from behind me and I nod. “You’re right. She’s hot-tempered and will fight me, but I’ll win in the end!” I might have resort to putting on my leather gloves, but she will listen to me!

“Do you want me to try?” Juha asks.

I turn around and gave him a hopeful smile. “Yes, please do! Maybe she won’t throw a tantrum at you!” I’m curious as to how Juha will handle Princess. “Be careful though. I don’t want you to be scratched or bitten.” Juha nods and moves toward the bed. Eyeing him closely, I notice that he moves slowly – one could even call it fatigued. It’s like it costs him extra energy to move at all. He looks tired all of sudden. Or maybe he looked fatigued all along, but I didn’t see it because his beauty blinded me.

“Come on, Princess, you have got to go home now.” Juha moves closer still.

I hold my breath and hope that Princess won’t lash out at him. That damn cat is unpredictable, but that doesn’t surprise me as she’s a gift from Chris and he got her from the animal shelter. I suspect that Chris wanted her for himself, but then she probably turned out to be a handful and when my birthday came along, I got her as a present since my cat died two weeks before that. Now I love cats, but this was a little bit unexpected. “Look out,” I whisper, not wanting Princess to injure Juha in any way.

Princess stopped wagging her tail, the hissing died and she started purring. What a surprise! I never expected that to happen. “Remain alert though. You never know what she’ll do!” I learned that the hard way!

Juha carefully picks her up and settles her in his arms. I smile in relief. She likes him. She doesn’t let just anyone touch her. She bit Antti when he tried petting her. “Well done!”

“Thanks!” Juha pets Princess and her purring grows even louder.

I’m impressed. She must really like him! “You can give her to me.” I’ll take her home and make sure she can’t escape again. It’s really embarrassing to be running after your pet like that. I open my arms to take Princess into them and, what a surprise, at exactly that moment the hissing starts again. She moves her tail dangerously and I back off. “I can’t believe this! You’d better change that attitude, young lady!”

Princess isn’t impressed. I would have been surprised if my words had made an impression on her. “Looks like you’ll have to carry her home. Do you mind?”

I hope Juha doesn’t. I feel embarrassed because I can’t handle my unruly pet, but cats are hard to handle to begin with! Reading the expression in Juha’s eyes, I get the impression that he’s okay with it. “Just follow me!” I walk back into the hallway and frown at seeing the empty and sterile- looking kitchen. I wonder if he’s been in there at all. I don’t see any groceries and not even a coffee maker! How can anyone survive without coffee?

I open the door to my apartment and step inside. “Carry her into the living room, will you?” I don’t want to risk her jumping out of Juha’s arms and then run away again.

Juha does as I ask him to and moves into the living room. I know that my apartment seems crowded, but that’s not my fault. I can’t help it that Antti, Spit and even Sammy drag their stuff in here. I have no idea why Spit’s spare bass guitar is parked in my living room or what Sammy’s notebooks are doing on my coffee table. Sometimes I feel like I don’t live here on my own. It’s a surprise no one is around at the moment. People seem to crash here all the time. And let’s not get started on the million things Chris left behind here during his countless visits. I really need to sort everything out and force them to take their stuff back home with them!

“You’ve got a nice place,” Juha says and puts Princess onto the couch.

Princess moves about a bit and then settles down on one end of the couch, which happens to be her favorite spot. She appears accepting of the situation and relaxed, but I still expect her to make a run for the doorway once I’m no longer looking. “It’s too crowded though. Half of it isn’t even my stuff!”

“Still, it’s nice…” Juha whispers.

I wonder about my new neighbor once again. He seems lost and I want to know why, but I can hardly ask him why. Maybe once we know each other longer, but most certainly not during our first meeting. I can also tell, by the nervous moving of his feet that he’s eager to leave. I don’t want to keep him here against his will, but I *am* curious about him!

“Do you want some coffee as a thank you for returning that one to me?” I give Princess the evil eye but instead of being remorseful she starts cleaning herself up.

“No, thank you. I really need to go now.”

Juha moves toward the doorway and I walk alongside him. I keep glancing at him and I don’t like the deep, black circles that have formed beneath his eyes. Something is off, but I can’t say what it is. Juha seems…unreachable in a way – it’s like there is some barrier between us and the fact that he keeps hiding behind his hair doesn’t make it easier for me to read the expression in his eyes. I can’t let him leave like that though – something tells me I shouldn’t.

“Hey,” I say and stop him from stepping into the corridor just yet. “If you ever need something, no matter what, just tell me. That’s what neighbors are for!”

“Thanks,” Juha says and looks away again.

My heart contracts with some unknown emotion and I draw in a deep breath. What the hell is wrong with me that I worry about a stranger? And yet, there’s something in Juha’s eyes that calls to me. I don’t like the empty look in them. At first I thought it was timidity staring back at me, but it’s more than that – it’s a vacancy that shouldn’t be there. It’s like he doesn’t really register my presence. The need to touch him overwhelms me: I want to make sure that he knows I’m for real. I place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze mildly. “I mean it. You just ring the doorbell, alright?”

The look Juha gives me speaks of shock, but I’m not sure what shocked him exactly. The fact that I’m reaching out? That I actually touched him? Or that he has finally realized I’m for real? I know that I have to be patient. If I push too far or pressure him too much he will shut down. I don’t know why I know that, but I do. It’s a gut instinct and I’ve learned to listen to these hunches. “If you ever want a cup of coffee, or just some company, see me.”

He nods again and this time I see some emotion in his eyes. I can’t label it though. Maybe it’s relief, surprise or even fear? In time I’ll find out. For now, I’ll let him go.

“Thanks for returning Princess to me,” I say and smile at Juha. “If she ever runs away again I know where to find her. I’ll check your place first. And sorry for the holes in the comforter…” Seeing he’s about to crumble, I take a step away from Juha. I don’t want him to feel embarrassed or ashamed and offer him a way out.

“Thanks.”

His voice is barely above a whisper, and then Juha turns around. He disappears into his apartment and I can’t help but wonder about this gentle soul who seems so lost.

TBC

Part 2

I don’t go right back to bed as I thought I would. I end up in the kitchen and boil water to make tea. After finishing my tea, I walk over to the kitchen table and pick up the bottle that holds my medication. These white pills are supposed to keep my depression at bay, but so far, they aren’t really doing their job. I still feel depressed and abandoned. I take two pills into my hand, swallow them down and take the rest of the water with me into the living room. I perch on the end of the couch and stare at the boxes which my friends put against the wall.

I wish Mikko, Ilkka, Ray and Juhani were here, but they are in Oulu and I won’t see them for a few more weeks. Mikko and Ray promised to visit me soon, but I know what it’s like. Their jobs tie them to Oulu and it’s hard for them to get away. I don’t blame them though – they helped when I was forced to move out of my home and to Helsinki. If they hadn’t been there for me I might have done something very stupid – or maybe something very smart. It depends on the way you look at it.

I’ve been thinking about taking my life a lot lately, but so far I lack the courage to do so. Death *is* very final, and I am not ready to take that step. Also, I don’t want to cause my friends more grief than I already have. I don’t want Mikko and the rest having to attend my funeral. They would blame themselves and I don’t want that – they don’t deserve that.

I finish my water, put the glass onto the coffee table and move toward the window. Although it’s already late at night, it’s still warm and I close my eyes, letting the gentle breeze caress my skin. It’s the only caress I’ll ever feel again. Lowering my head I hum softly. It’s been a while since I listened to this little voice inside my head. It helped me create music in the past, but I haven’t touched my guitar or keyboard in a long time. No matter what I do, it’ll never be good enough.

Sighing deeply, I step onto the balcony and stare at the starlit sky. It’s a full moon tonight and longingly, I raise my gaze and look at those radiant stars. I wish I was one of them – right up there. Softly I start singing lyrics which I wrote not too long ago.

“I'm on my way to the stars, you can't stop me even if you'd try
to take away

my heart that's now
longing for real love,
I will find someone who heals my broken heart.”

I shake my head at the stupidity of my own words. No one can heal my broken heart – no one. It shattered in too many pieces and I lost myself. I can never find all of them and put all the pieces together again.

Growing even more depressed, I go back inside and close the window behind me. I pull the curtains and return to my bedroom. My bed seems empty now that Princess has left it. I didn’t think it possible, but I miss that damn cat. For one moment she managed to get through my defenses and I feel vulnerable and weak now that I’m alone. For one moment Jack’s voice rings in my ears. He told me to see him if I needed anything, but he can’t give me what I need. I don’t even know what I need myself.

Curling up on my side, I stare at the wall. I don’t want to be alone – my very soul rebels against it, but I have no choice. I have to be alone… I must be alone!

But why? There’s that annoying little voice again. Please shut up. No one wants me around anyway. Not even my parents want me! Tears burst from my eyes and I tightly close them. No, I don’t want to think of them! It hurts too much!

Sobbing, I pull a pillow into my arms and hug it. It’s my own fault that they no longer love me. No one wants a queer for a son! That’s why I fought those feelings for so long and never gave in to them. I wanted to please my parents and make them happy. That was why I started dating Sanna. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I desperately wanted it to work! It didn’t last long though… Sanna caught on and in the end I had to tell my parents the truth. That happened a month ago. As a result I was disowned and thrown out of the house. If it hadn’t been for Mikko I would be homeless. He organized an apartment for me and a job in Helsinki. I didn’t want to move so far away from Oulu, but I couldn’t stay close to my parents either. I wanted to make a fresh start.

Covering my mouth with my hands I stifle my sobs. I don’t want them to disturb the silence in here. I bite onto my knuckles and cry bitter tears. I love my family dearly. My parents always took care of me. They always looked out for me and then…They threw me out saying they didn’t want a queer for a son. I knew that it would happen the moment they found out, that’s why I tried so hard to hide the fact that I’m gay.

But I am gay and there’s nothing I can do about it. I like men – not women. It’s not my fault that I’m the way I am. I was born that way and they should have accepted me for who I am instead of blaming me and throwing me out. I just want them to love me, but their love is the one thing I no longer have.

Being alone with my thoughts like this isn’t good for me, but there’s no one to keep me company. The therapist, which I’ve seen twice since moving to Helsinki, tries to help me, and the drugs should do their part, but so far, I simply feel utterly helpless and unwanted.

“Meow…”

My eyes open with a start and wide-eyed, I stare at the window sill. Princess is back. She’s on the window sill and moves her front paw over her head in an attempt to wash her head. “Jack’s going to be angry with you.” I leave the bed, walk over to the window and pick her up. She makes herself comfortable in my arms and I press her against my chest. “But I’m glad that you’re back.”

I carry her over to the bed with me and lie down. I’ll return her to Jack in a few minutes, but for now I enjoy her warmth and closeness. Stroking her head, she purrs and I realize that I don’t want to return her to her owner. But I also realize that I can’t keep her. Jack cares about his Princess and it wouldn’t be fair to lie to him.

“What do you think you’re doing sneaking back in here? Didn’t Jack tell you not to? He should close his window.” Or I should close my bedroom window, then she couldn’t get inside either, but then again, I enjoy having her close.

Maybe I should get myself a pet, but then again, I don’t think that’s fair toward the animal. The poor thing would be smothered and I don’t want that. Each animal has the right to be kept accordingly and not serve as an emotional band aid.

“I’ll return you to Jack in a moment…” Sighing, I close my eyes and rub behind her ears. She purrs louder and the sound makes me smile.

~~~

Ringing the doorbell, I wonder why Jack doesn’t open the door. I’ve been ringing for minutes now, but there’s no reaction. Maybe Jack isn’t at home? Looking at Princess, who is clawing the fabric of my shirt, I sigh and shrug. “Looks like you’ll have to stay with me a little longer.” It’s Saturday evening and Jack probably went out.

I return to my apartment, close the door behind me and make my way over onto the balcony. Although I fear becoming emotional again, I sit down on the floor and rest my back against the wall. Looking at the sky, I feel calmer this time around. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m no longer alone. Princess’ presence helps me staying calm.

From below noise reaches my ear. It’s summer and this is Helsinki. My apartment is located in the heart of the city and so the city sounds are all around me. I didn’t really register them until that moment though. It’s like Princess’ presence is changing things.

People are calling out on the streets below and I can hear some rock music coming from a bar on the opposite side of the street. How odd that I didn’t hear the sounds until now.

“Your owner is probably somewhere out there – partying.” Jack’s young and doesn’t strike me as someone who locks himself up at home like I do. “And when he gets home again, I will return you to him.” But for now, I savor the company.

~~~

My eyes are closing, but I still recognize the voice coming from below. It’s Jack and he seems to be having fun. He’s talking loudly, addressing someone he calls Spit and they’re laughing. They sound drunk: probably had a good time in the bars.

“It’s time for you to go home, little Princess.” I giggle, there isn’t anything little about the cat in my arms. “You need to be a on diet.” Princess hisses at me, but doesn’t uncover her claws. Damn, that cat’s really smart.

“Let’s give Jack a moment to say goodbye to his friend and then we’ll ring.” I don’t want to part from this bundle of warmth and green eyes, but I don’t have a choice. She belongs with Jack – not me.

~~~

I’m nervous when I ring the doorbell. I hear voices inside and that tells me that Jack isn’t alone at home. I don’t want to meet more people. I just want to return Princess to Jack – but no, I don’t want to do that either.

The door opens and Jack appears. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s tipsy, but he doesn’t strike me as drunk. “I’m here to return someone to you.” Jack’s eyes widen and his gaze focuses on the cat in my arms.

“Not again! You’re such a rascal!” Jack rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought I had locked the window properly.”

“It’s okay,” I say and hand him the cat. “I don’t mind the visits.”

“You don’t…” A thoughtful expression appears in Jack’s eyes.

I wonder what’s going on in his head. I can tell he’s up to something.

“Japa! What’s taking you so long? Where’s the beer? You promised us some!”

“I should leave…” I step away from the door. “You’ve got company.” Counting the voices coming from the living room, I realize that he has at least two, maybe three friends over and I don’t want to impose. I turn to leave, but then, like before, Jack’s hand settles on my shoulder and stops me from leaving. I look at him from over my shoulder in wonder. What does he want? Princess is back home.

“Why don’t you come inside and have a drink with us? Meet my friends! They’re really nice.”

I stare at Jack in utter shock: I can’t believe he asked me that!

~~~

I register the shock in Juha’s eyes and I wonder why it’s there. I don’t understand why he’s panicking. My friends will behave – especially after I told them so – and I have the feeling it will do Juha good to be among people. “Come on! Spit’s fun and so is Antti!” I really want to convince him to try. Something tells me he needs the company. “Only for a moment and if you don’t like them, you can go home!”

I give Juha a hopeful look. Please accept! I don’t want you to be alone. I have the feeling that it’s not good for you. “I even have tea, if you want some!” I can tell that Juha’s struggling with himself and I hope he accepts. “Please?” I add and give him my patented puppy dog look which not even Chris can resist.

Juha sighs and I hope I interpret that sigh correctly. Is he giving in? I hope so!

“I shouldn’t… I really shouldn’t…”

Looks like I win! I take his hand in mine and gently pull him into the hallway. “You’ll like them! I promise! What do you want to drink? Beer? Tea?”

“Tea…please… I can’t have any alcohol.”

I nod my head. If Juha wants tea, he’ll get tea. But why can’t he have alcohol? I want to know, but keep my questions to myself. I don’t want to chase him off. I guide him into the kitchen where I make some tea. I also offer him biscuits, but he shakes his head and doesn’t touch them. “Are you sure you’re not hungry?” He looks hungry… Juha’s way too thin.

Juha shakes his head again. “Tea then?” I offer him a cup and watch as he puts some sugar into it. His hands tremble and he curls his fingers around it, as if looking for warmth. “You’ll like Spit and Antti. Don’t let their looks put you off. They might look rude, but they’re really sweet.” Juha swallows hard and I can tell his agitation is growing again. He doesn’t want to do this, but is making himself do it. I admire him for that and I wish I knew more about him so I could help him. “Come on. I’ll stay close, I promise.” Taking Juha’s other hand in mine I squeeze gently.

“Japa! Where are you? And where’s the beer?”

That’s Spit alright – always impatient. I grab some beer bottles and carry them into the living room with me. “Help yourself!” I put them on the coffee table and turn my attention back to Juha, who’s shaking himself to pieces. What the hell’s wrong?

“Juha, this is Spit. He’s a good friend of mine and we’re in the same band. And this is Antti. Another bass player. We’re all musicians.” I sit down and pull Juha onto the couch next to me. His trembling is getting worse and I can tell that it takes a lot of out him not to make a run for the doorway. I wonder why he’s so stressed though. “Don’t let your tea get cold.”

Juha sips carefully and his lips attain more color. It’s not cold, and I have the feeling the chill moving through Juha has little to do with the room’s temperature.

“Yeah, I’m Antti…” Antti has a thoughtful look on his face and I can tell he’s intrigued, but also worried. I’ve known Antti – and Spit – for years and they’re more alert and sensitive than you think.

“Juha’s my new neighbor and Princess has taken a liking to him,” I explain. “She always sneaks onto his balcony.” At that moment, Princess jumps onto Juha’s lap and makes herself comfortable there. Juha looks trapped and the panic is rising still, but once Princess stars purring and kneading Juha’s abdomen with her feet, he calms down –marginally only, but still, it’s a start.

Juha takes to stroking Princess’ head and she obviously enjoys the attention as she purrs louder. She seems absolutely smitten with Juha and I can’t blame her – he is gorgeous!

“Where are you from, Juha? Did you always live in Helsinki?” Antti asks. The bass player is known for his curiosity and I would have been surprised if he had been able to stay quiet.

Juha grows agitated again and I rub his fingers. I’m surprised, and at the same time encouraged, that he allows for it. I wonder if he’ll answer Antti’s question as I can’t deny being curious myself.

Juha shakes his head. “I moved here two weeks ago.”

I already know that. I want more details, but at the same time I don’t want to scare him off. “And where did you live before that?” Guessing his age, I put him around twenty and he can’t have lived on his own for long.

“Oulu,” Juha chokes out.

I can tell that this is hard on him – he obviously doesn’t want to talk about it, but maybe that’s exactly what he needs to do. “Were you still living with your parents?”

Juha chokes up for real. He puts his tea cup onto the coffee table with a loud bang and jumps from the couch. Princess protests loudly and manages to land on all fours on the floor. I obviously asked the wrong question and greatly upset him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“I have to go now!” Juha walks toward the doorway and I let him go. He closes the front door behind him and is gone.

“What was that about?” Spit sips and frowns.

“I have no idea,” I admit. “I only met him this morning.”

“He looks ill. I mean, I’m thin and all that, but there’s something about that guy that makes the hair at the back of my neck stand rigid, if you know what I mean,” Antti says as he stares thoughtfully at the door. “Way too pale.”

I nod, but I don’t have any answers either. I don’t know Juha that well! I want to get to know him better though and glance at Princess. Maybe I can persuade her to sneak into Juha’s bedroom again, later tonight.

~~~

I wait until Spit and Antti have left. They wanted to crash here, but I managed to convince them to go to Spit’s place instead and spend the night there. They probably realized I was up to something regarding Juha and left without making a scene. I love them for being such good friends.

“Alright, Princess, do your thing. The window is open and you can easily get onto Juha’s balcony. Get going now.”

She gives me a look that makes me blush. “Yeah, I know I told you to never do that again, but it’s important that you sneak into his bedroom again. Please, I need you to do this. If you do this, I’ll get you your favorite food tomorrow.” Even though buying that brand is way more expensive, I’ll get it for her. “Now get going!”

Princess moves toward the window and I grin when she jumps onto the window sill. Good girl, she knows what I want her to do! A moment later, she disappears from view and all I have to do now is wait for Juha to ring my doorbell again.

~~~

“Meow? Meow!”

Ouch! What the…? I open my eyes and stare into a pair of luminescent ones. I need a moment to understand what’s happening as I had been soundly asleep a moment before.

“Meow…”

A rough tongue suddenly moves over my cheek and I realize what’s going on. “But Princess, you can’t keep coming back here.” I should close my window. I really should. This means I have to go back to Jack and… Shivers run down my spine, as I remember what happened a few hours ago. Tears well up in my eyes and I wipe at them in anger. I wept enough – why can’t I stop crying? Because it hurts – that’s why.

I feel ashamed of the way I left. Jack didn’t deserve that. The way I took off embarrasses me. I really fled that room and retreated into my apartment. Jack’s question upset me and he doesn’t even know why. He probably thinks I’m a lunatic, and he isn’t even wrong. I really lost it earlier tonight and I would understand it if Jack doesn’t want to see me again. His friends probably wonder why he hangs out with an idiot like me.

“I can’t face Jack at the moment,” I tell Princess. “Maybe you can go back the way you came?” It’s a long shot though as I don’t expect the cat to understand. As I expected, Princess makes herself comfortable against me and closes her eyes. Great, now what?

I pet her. It happens involuntarily. I love the way her fur feels beneath my fingertips and I wish I could keep her with me. I can’t deny my desire for company any longer. I feel relaxed when she’s around. The pills my therapist told me to take in situations like this aren’t nearly as effective as Princess’ company. “I’ll take you back first thing in the morning, yes?” Princess keeps her eyes close -- she seems to like the idea of keeping me company tonight.

~~~

It’s close to morning when I wake again and I can’t sleep any more. The sleeping pills help me fall asleep but not stay asleep. Princess is still curled up at my side and I bury my face in her fur. She opens her eyes and starts running her tongue over my nose. I smile at her, pat her, and then leave the bed. I feel a need which I haven’t felt in weeks.

I move into the living room and Princess follows me. She walks behind me and waits for me to settle down again. I remove my cherished acoustic guitar from its protective case and sit down on the couch. I cringe upon touching the strings for the first time. I need to tune her first.

Tuning takes time, but then she sounds like she’s supposed to. A smile creeps onto my face. I’ve neglected my music for months now. I just couldn’t make myself play or sing the way I felt, but now I have an audience – a very interested and impatient audience. Princess kneads the cushion with her padded feet and gives me an impatient nod. “Yes, Princess, soon.”

I wonder which song to play. I already wrote a number of them and our first album was well-received. Should I go for an old one? Or try something new? What kind of mood am I in? In the end, I let my fingers decide for me and like so often in the past they start playing Storm – and how appropriate that song is!

“Now you have lost your home
And the one that loved you the most
Undying dreams are gone and your heart is cold like stone
And you still end up alone…”

My fingers stop moving and my voice falters. I lost everything – my home, my parents, my life in Oulu. Now I’m stuck in a city where I don’t want to be and where I hardly know anyone. I feel so damn alone and I start crying again. Damn it, this has to stop!

Princess climbs onto my lap and I take to stroking her head again. I don’t want to return her to Jack. I want to keep her, but I can’t. I still feel miserable for myself when the doorbell rings. My head shoots up and I stare at the door. It can only be Jack. He probably realized that Princess sneaked out him on again. “It’s time for you to go home.” I press a kiss onto her head, place the guitar aside and rise from the couch.

I walk toward the door and open it. It *is* Jack and he smiles at me. Yet, I wonder about that smile – something doesn’t seem right. Is he worried about something? Certainly not me. “You probably miss Princess.” I extend my arms to put the cat into Jack’s but he simply shakes his head.

“She should stay with you.”

I blink in surprise. “What did you say?”

“You keep her. She obviously wants to be with you.”

I shake my head. “No, she is yours.” I place Princess in Jack’s arms. I don’t want to steal Princess away from him. Jack seems disappointed, but I can’t possibly except such an offer. Jack takes the cat into his arms, but is clearly displeased.

“You *do* know that it’s only a matter of time before I have to collect her again?”

“You should close your window. I’ll close mine.”

“You don’t have to do that…” Jack nibbles on his bottom lip. “Juha, can I talk to you?”

His request takes me by surprise and I wonder what he wants to talk about. I’m not sure what to say, but in the end, I step aside to let him in and nod. What is this about?

TBC

Part 3

Juha is nervous. It shows in the way he pats Princess and averts his gaze so he doesn’t have to look me in the eye. I move into the living room and am surprised to find an acoustic guitar resting against the couch. I want to start off which something neutral to put him at ease. “May I sit down?”

Juha quickly nods and sits down on the chair opposite the couch.

He clearly needs some distance between us and I don’t mind. After sitting down I take hold of the guitar. “You love music too?” I can’t help myself – even though Juha hasn’t told me that it’s okay, my fingertips caress the strings and a melody fills the room.

“I play a bit – sometimes.” Juha keeps Princess on his lap and pats her.

Seeing that only strengthens my belief that the cat should stay with him, and I’ll get him to agree eventually. I obviously need to make a detour to get there. “I thought I heard some music earlier. Will you play some for me?”

Juha wavers. “I doubt it’s any good.”

“Come on, try – for me.” I smile at him and hand Juha his guitar. Juha still wavers, so I smile at him again. “I’d love to hear you play.”

Juha sighs and puts a displeased Princess onto the chair next to him. He takes the guitar into his hands and gives me a questioning look. “What do you want to hear?” Juha asks.

“What would you like to play?” I put the question right back at him.

Juha shrugs and then starts playing. It’s a wonderful melody and his lips move along with it, but there’s no sound coming from them. “Do you sing as well?”

“I used to.” Juha places his guitar aside and takes to patting Princess again.

It’s a pity that I can’t convince him to sing for me. The song which he played just now sounded interesting and highly professional. Suspicion sneaks up on me. “Are you in a band? I play guitar in Private Line.” Juha’s eyes widen, telling me that he knows my band.

“I bought your first album some time ago. I like it.”

It’s nice to get some recognition, but for some reason I don’t crave receiving it the way I normally do. Maybe it’s because I’m way too interested in Juha and crave getting information from him instead. “You didn’t answer my question. Are you in a band too?”

Juha shrugs. “Does it matter?”

“To me it does. I wouldn’t be asking otherwise.” Should I exchange my seat on the couch for the armrest of Juha’s chair? I want to be closer to him because it might help me cross the distance between us. In the end, I get to my feet and make my way over to him. I sit down on the armrest and his eyes grow big. “What’s the name of your band?” I probably don’t know it, but I want to show him that I’m interested in him.

“Reflexion. We’re not big though…”

Juha averts his eyes and therefore misses my reaction. “I’ve heard of your band! I even have your CD at home!” What’s it called again? “Out of the dark?” Juha nods slowly and gives me an odd look. “See, I know about it!” He obviously didn’t expect me to know the band.

Seeing him become agitated again, I judge it wise to change our subject. “So what brings you to Helsinki? I mean Oulu is lovely, although way too cold for me in winter!” The expression in Juha’s eyes changes and becomes guarded, alerting me that I’m on thin ice again. This is a touchy subject for some reason and I’m determined to find out why.

“Work,” Juha says eventually.

I don’t believe him at all. “What kind of work do you do?”

“I’m a sound technician. I start my new job next month.”

Ah, that explains why he’s able to be at home all day long. “You probably don’t know that many people in Helsinki yet?”

“I know you…”

Juha’s answer unsettles me. “And that’s about it?” He must really be lonely then!

“And Spit and Antti.”

I shake my head in exasperation. “We’ve got some work to do then!” He looks at me with wonder and clearly has no idea how to interpret my answer. “I’m taking you out tonight. Show you around. I’ll introduce you to my friends.”

“No, I’m staying here.”

That sounds surprisingly adamant. “And why is that?”

“I…shouldn’t be out there… I feel safer here.”

Just what are you afraid of, Juha? But at least you’re talking to me! I just need to ask the right questions! “What are your plans for the day?” Yes, that question surprises him just like I intended. I’m going to keep him off balance.

“Plans? I have none…”

“Maybe I could help you unpack? There are way too many boxes in here, don’t you think?”

Juha swallows nervously. “Why would you do that? It’s not your problem that I haven’t unpacked yet.”

“I just want to help! Come on! We’ll put on some music and get busy!” I hope he accepts. I don’t have any plans for the day and I want to help. “We can probably get rid of half of those boxes!” Juha obviously isn’t convinced, but he doesn’t dismiss my suggestion either and that encourages me. “You can’t live like this. You don’t have to! We can do this!”

Juha lowers his gaze and stares at the floor. “You don’t have to do this. You probably have better things to do.”

“Nonsense!” I get to my feet and extend my hand. It’s up to him to accept the offer or not. I can’t make him. “Please, Juha… I just want to help.” Juha wrings his hands and then looks at me. I smile at him and nod my head. “There’s nothing to it. “All you need to do is to take my hand. It’s easy.”

“It’s not easy for me,” Juha whispers and gives me a pleading look. Patiently I wait, in case he wants to add more, which he does. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to do much… I feel tired all the time and…”

He gives me a look that begs me to understand. I nod my head. “You haven’t been eating right, have you?”

“I’m not hungry… Most of the time I can’t force anything down.”

I suspected as much. My gaze shifts toward the pills standing on the coffee table. “May I ask why you’re taking those?” The bottle is already half empty.

Juha’s clearly embarrassed and looks away. He appears to be waging a war with himself and I tell myself to be patient and to accept whatever answer he’ll give me.

“They’re like a combination of…anti depressants…and sleeping pills.”

I blink. I should have expected an answer like that, but didn’t. The thought that Juha is depressed never crossed my mind. Like Antti thought, an eating disorder would have been more in the line of expectation. “And you need them?”

“I do… According to my therapist.”

Juha looks like he’s about to run out on me again, but I can’t allow for that to happen. This moment is important and can’t be ruined. I take his hand into mine and rub his fingers. Juha looks at our joined hands in disbelief. For some reason he never expected me to reach out to him and I want to know why he thinks people are bastards. I’m most certainly not. “I’m relieved that you’re getting help.” Juha doesn’t look at me. He simply keeps his gaze lowered and blushes slightly.

“Mikko arranged for it.”

“Who’s Mikko?” Now that Juha’s finally talking I want to find out as much as possible and I squeeze his fingers lightly.

“My best friend… He’s our bass player.”

“Ah, of course… In that case I’m grateful that Mikko arranged for help.” I really feel bad for Juha. I don’t know why he moved to Helsinki, but I doubt it was voluntary. He was forced to leave Oulu. I can tell Juha’s about to crumble again and I don’t want to cause an emotional breakdown. It’s time to distract him. “Why don’t we move to my place for breakfast and then we’ll tackle all those cardboard boxes?” I don’t mind doing most of the work as I can tell that Juha’s too weak to do much.

“I’m not sure I can eat much,” Juha says in a tiny voice.

“That’s okay. Whatever you can manage is fine with me!” I get to my feet and pull him along. He picks up Princess and follows me into my apartment where I guide him into the kitchen. “Sit down, will you? I’ll feed our darling Princess and then make breakfast.”

“I can help.”

“No, you just sit there and relax.” Juha looks like he’s about to faint and I’m not going to put him to work. I feed the cat, who starts munching happily and then turn my attention to the content of my fridge. It’s a good thing that I went grocery shopping the other day as I have everything that makes up a healthy breakfast.

I pour Juha some orange juice and put the glass in front of him. “Try to drink that.” Juha nods and he lifts the glass with trembling hands. He manages half of it and I’ll make sure the glass is empty by the time we return to Juha’s apartment. “What can your stomach handle? I can make scrambled eggs, toast or I can fix you some Cheerios.”

“Toast maybe…”

I put Cheerios into a bowl and place it on the kitchen table along with some milk. That’s my breakfast, now let’s get Juha’s toast underway. A few minutes later I put the toast onto his plate. “What do you want to go with it? Jam?”

“Jam’s fine.”

Juha stares thoughtfully at the toast and I can tell he’s trying to find out if his stomach can handle it. “Eat some,” I suggest. Eating is the only way he can find out if his stomach is up to it or not. Juha puts jam onto his toast and bites off a small chunk.

As he munches slowly, I put my coffee next to my Cheerios and hand him a cup of tea. Eliaz, our drummer, loves all sort of herbal teas and always shows up with some, trying to convince me to drink it too. I always stuff those teabags into the back of my cupboard and only get them out when Eliaz visits. I’m a coffee person and dislike tea. “Are you all set, or do you need anything else?”

Juha removes the bottle with pills from a pocket and puts two into the palm of his hand. I hadn’t noticed him packing them! “Do you want some water to go with that?”

“I can get it myself.”

I nod and direct him toward the cupboard that holds the glasses. After filling one with water, he takes his medication and returns to the kitchen table. This can’t be easy on him, letting me in. I admire him for taking that step though and I smile at him. “Let’s have breakfast and then we’ll tackle those boxes!” Juha smiles at me and I can tell it’s genuine… Seeing that smile warms my heart – it shows me that I’m getting through to him.

~~~

I can’t believe this is happening. Jack actually dragged me off into his apartment and is feeding me breakfast. I do my best to master the toast, but swallowing it is hard on me. I haven’t eaten in a long time and my stomach probably wonders what the hell is going on. I sip more of the orange juice because I have the feeling that Jack won’t be satisfied until I empty the glass.

Jack mystifies me. I’m practically a stranger to him and yet he’s taken me under his wings and I have no idea why. I know why Mikko and the rest of the band helped me out – they care about me. They *know* me, but Jack doesn’t. “Why are you helping me?” Damn, I didn’t want to ask him that, but the question just slipped out.

As expected, Jack gives me an odd look. I can tell that he has no idea why I’m questioning his motives and I feel guilty for not accepting his help like that, but after my parents kicked me out I don’t believe in people’s goodness anymore. It sounds sarcastic, but I simply don’t. I mean, if even my parents want me around no more, then why would a stranger?

“I like you,” Jack says in a gentle voice. “And I want to help. There’s nothing more to it.” Jack pauses and then adds, “And Princess likes you. What more reason do I need?”

Staring at the kitchen table, I don’t know what to make of his answer. Will Jack still like me once he knows I’m gay? Will he be able to accept that or cut me out of his life like my parents did? Jack can’t know the truth about me, as I don’t want to risk losing his friendship. I’ll hide that side of my personality.

“You should finish your toast! Do you want more juice?”

The sudden subject change confuses me. The pills make it hard for me to think as fast as I used to. They slow me down – not just my thoughts, but my body as well. I wish I didn’t have to take them, but my therapist thinks they will help. “No, thank you.” I’m glad I managed so much in the first place. I feel Jack’s gaze upon me as I finish the toast as well. Wow, that’s the first thing I’ve eaten in days and my stomach acts up. It’s probably no longer used to having to digest!

“Alright, if you’re done we should get started!” Jack gets to his feet and puts plates, glasses and cutlery in the sink. “Do you have anything to clean the apartment with?”

I blink. “I don’t think so.” Or Mikko must have put something in the kitchen without telling me. Or maybe he told me and I forgot. My memory isn’t what it used to be thanks to those pills.

“I’ve got quite a collection of stuff. I’ll take some things along!”

Jacks seems very enthusiastic and I can’t understand why. My apartment is a real mess and if he has to do all the work, he’ll need days to get everything organized.

“Let’s get started! Your place won’t sort itself out!”

Jack has this brilliant smile on his face which makes me feel embarrassed. He shouldn’t be doing this. It’s my mess and I should clean it up, not Jack! I’m not given a choice though. Jack takes my hand in his and drags me along. He’s quite set on doing this.

A moment later we’re in my apartment and a sigh leaves my lips. I really did make a mess. I didn’t clean up since I moved in two weeks ago. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I follow Jack into the kitchen, where he puts a bucket in the sink and fills it with water and cleaning material. I can’t believe Jack is someone who enjoys doing the dirty work, but the smile on his face looks real.

“Now don’t get me wrong,” Jack starts as he put the bucket on the floor. He drops a cleaning cloth into it and grins. “I’m not fond of cleaning, but I do like a challenge!”

“My apartment is a challenge then?” I sit down on a kitchen chair as I feel dizzy and give him an odd look.

“Now don’t get comfortable there!” Jack says. “We’re going to tackle the bedroom first, so move your ass in there.”

I shake my head at such enthusiasm and follow Jack into the bedroom. Feeling embarrassed, I look around. I start picking up the dirty clothes from the floor, but a head rush forces me to sit down. I end up sitting cross-legged on the floor and try to calm down my breathing.

“Hey, are you okay?”

I raise my head and look at Jack, who is squatting next to me. “It’s those pills.”

“I understand…” Jack looks thoughtfully about the room and his gaze settles on the recliner in the corner. “Let’s move you over there, alright?”

I nod. It’s not like I have a choice. Jack’s arm settles around my waist and he helps me to my feet. Together we make our way over to the chair and I sit down. I’m glad to be off of my feet. “I won’t be much help,” I whisper, feeling guilty for being unable to help.

“You only need to give directions, okay? That’s your job.” Jack smiles reassuringly. “Now let’s tackle those boxes first!”

Jack walks toward the boxes that hold my clothes. I didn’t unpack those yet, although Mikko and Ray already put the closet up in a corner of the room. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with Jack going through my stuff, but I don’t seem to have a chance. Jack opens one box, removes my jeans from them and carries them over to the closet, all the while humming softly.

“Is this okay?” Jack neatly puts them in the closet and gives me an expectant look. I nod, sure it’s okay. It matters little to me where my clothes go.

“We need some music!” Jack looks about. “Do you have a stereo somewhere?”

“That box should be in the living room. Mikko wrote the content of each box on the cardboard.”

“I’m right back. Don’t move!” Jack leaves the bedroom and returns five minutes later with my stereo. He’s also carrying some CDs. He hooks it up the electricity and a moment later Iron Maiden echoes through my bedroom. Princess startles and jumps onto my lap in search of reassurance. I pet her head and she settles down again.

With amazement I watch Jack put the rest of my clothes into the closet. He seems to be enjoying himself.

“Nice jacket! I like it!”

Jack’s comment makes me focus as my attention had started to drift off. He’s holding my bondage jacket in his hands – the one with clasps and chains. I wear it to gigs or when I go out. I haven’t worn it in months though. “You can have it if you want to.” It’s not like I’ll be wearing it any time soon. I don’t want to do any more gigs and going out is something I don’t feel comfortable with.

“No way!” Jack puts the jacket in the closet, turns about and cocks his head questioningly. “I’m sure it looks great on you and you’ll wear it when we hit the streets one of these nights!”

My eyes widen dramatically. I have no intention of going out!

Jack finishes putting my clothes into the closet and then looks at the clock. I can tell something worries him.

“If we keep up this pace it’ll take days to get you settled in!” Jack says and his eyes narrow in thought. “The bedroom needs a good cleaning and I haven’t even started on the other rooms. We need help!”

I try to temper his enthusiasm. “You don’t have to clean the entire apartment!”

“Yes, I do! I want you to be comfortable!” Jack uncovers his mobile phone and wiggles an eyebrow.

“What are you going to do?” I haven’t felt this curious for a long time and I can’t help asking Jack that question. He utterly confuses me!

“I know the right person for the job. You probably won’t believe it, but Antti’s a cleaning maniac!”

Antti? I frown. Isn’t that the guy with those dreadlocks whom I met last night? Why would he want to clean up my apartment? And why should he need to do it in the first place? “Jack, you can’t ask this guy to clean up my apartment!”

“We’ll be doing him a favor, trust me!”

I shake my head in exasperation and watch Jack dial Antti’s number. I can’t believe he’s really doing this!

“Hei! It’s me, Japa!”

Japa? I frown. I have to remember that one. Noise erupts from Jack’s phone and I recognize Antti’s voice. That guy obviously loves to talk and loud at that!

“Yeah, it’s great to hear your voice too. Antti, shut up for a moment, I need to ask you something.”

The noise at the other end dies and I reckon Antti has finally settled down. Is that man always so hyper?

“You remember Juha, don’t you? Yes, the guy I had over last night… You do? Good!” Jack gives me a wink and I quickly avert my gaze.

“I’m helping him sorting out his apartment. It’s a real mess in here!”

Now I *do* feel a bit offended. It’s not *that* bad!

“Yes, a real mess. I can’t do this on my own! I really need help!”

I sigh. Jack is exaggerating. I already told him that he doesn’t have to clean the entire apartment. Hell, he doesn’t even have to clean up my bedroom!

“Yes, it’s that bad.” Jack nods and grins. “You’re willing to help? That’s great!”

Jack’s grin grows broader and makes me wonder. What is the missing piece of this puzzle?

“Oh yes, I already got some cleaning aids, but you can pick up your favorite ones along the way if you want to. Sure, you can do the bathroom and kitchen. I’ll get things sorted out in the living room and bedroom then. Ten minutes? Hey, you don’t have to rush over! Oh, you’re already on your way out. Sure, just ring the bell!” Jack puts his mobile phone away and smiles triumphantly. “Done!”

“I don’t get it…” I whisper. “Why is Antti so eager to help?”

Jack smiles conspiringly, puts away his mobile phone and removes the bed linen. “I have this theory,” he says as he puts on bed linen he found in a box. “Antti gets off on scents. He’s highly sensitive to them. And some cleaning aids really give off strong fumes. I have the suspicion he gets high because of them!”

I can’t stop myself and actually chuckle at Jack. “You think he’s addicted to them?”

“In a way. Antti’s peculiar… He lets his apartment get really dirty and gross and just when his friends threaten to stop visit him, he turns into a cleaning devil. The next time you’re at his place it’s unnervingly spotless and reeks of cleaning fumes.”

I smile at Jack. “In that case we’re doing him a favor by letting him clean up my place?” Jack gives me a smile that makes me blush and I quickly lower my gaze.

“Exactly! You finally got it!”

TBC

Part 4

“Done!” Feeling proud of myself, I admire my handiwork. That’s one perfectly made up bed. Looking at Juha from over my shoulder, I receive a smile as a reward. Juha’s really sweet when he smiles. I wish he would do so more often. “Now let’s vacuum the floor and then we’re done in here. You do have a vacuum cleaner, don’t you?” The smile vanishes from Juha’s face as he shakes his head. “Don’t worry! I’ll get mine! I’ll be back in five!” I smile at him and hurry out of the room. I really want to know what made him leave Oulu like that.

In the hallway I run into Antti. “How did you get in?”

“One of your neighbors was leaving and she was kind enough to let me in,” Antti grins pleased. “So where is the disaster area?”

I shake my head. “You’re really looking forward to this, aren’t you?” One look tells me that Antti bought some chemical cleaners himself and I cringe – that’s bad stuff. It cleans like hell, but it also smells like it. “You’re going to use that?”

“We want the kitchen and bathroom to be spotless, don’t we?” Antti wiggles an eyebrow.

I decide not to argue with my friend. “That’s the door to Juha’s apartment right there. I’ll join you in a sec. I need to get my vacuum cleaner.”

“Juha doesn’t have one?” Antti asks as he starts for the redhead’s apartment.

“Not yet, but hey, he moved only recently!” I hope it’s okay for Juha that I’m sending in Antti. I’ll join them in a minute, so he won’t be alone with Antti for a long time. “Get started, will you?”

Antti grins and disappears into the hallway. I collect my vacuum cleaner and join them a moment later. Juha has found the strength to move into the kitchen and gives Antti a weird look. Antti is in the middle of getting started and the mere uncapping of the bottle with chemical cleaner sends a startling scent through the room. “Juha, you don’t want to get ill because of that. Let’s move into the living room. I’ll vacuum the bedroom carpet and then I’ll join you. Let Antti knock himself out in here!”

Juha nods: he still doesn’t seem convinced though that it’s safe to leave Antti alone. I understand that: Antti’s put a bandana around his dreads to make sure they don’t hamper him and a dangerous gleam has appeared in his eyes.

“Don’t forget to unpack those boxes too,” I remind Antti.

“I’ll clean first and unpack later!” Antti looks about and grins broadly. “The dirt has got to go!” Plunging a cleaning cloth into the water, he starts cleaning the window sill.

I take that as my cue to lead Juha out of the kitchen. We’ll open the window once Antti’s finished. I don’t want to take away his drugs just yet. I guide Juha into the living room and he sits down on the couch. Princess is at his side at once and curls up on his lap. “I’ll be right back!”

I make quick work of vacuuming the bedroom and then move the vacuum cleaner into the living room. Juha watches me, but each time I try to make eye contact, he looks away. He *is* shy!

I retrieve the stereo from the bedroom and look about to find a permanent place for it. In the end, I clean a shelf and install the stereo there. “What kind of music are you in the mood for?”

Juha shrugs. I should have known that I wouldn’t get an answer. I look over his CD collection and find an oldie. I put in the CD and a moment later Meatloaf echoes through the room. “Is that okay?” Juha nods again, I’m not surprised. “I like Meatloaf’s songs.” Paradise by the Dashboard Light is my all time favorite. I look upon the cover and realize it’s the fourth song on the album. I’m already looking forward to hearing it.

“Jack, you really don’t need to do this.”

Juha looks miserable, and my heart goes out to him. He’s pulled his knees close to his chest and cradles Princess in his arms. He peeks shyly at me from behind his red hair and quickly looks away again. “Hey, we’re having fun, aren’t we?” I have the feeling that giving into him and leaving him on his own is the worst thing I can do. He needs to be among people even if he doesn’t realize it.

I clean the shelves, coffee table, dresser and cabinet and then start unpacking the boxes. “Where do you want the books to go?” Juha gives me a look that speaks of surrender and points me toward the cabinet. I neatly put the books away, do the same with his CD collection and then start on a box that holds accessories. Once I’ve finished that one, only one box is left, but…

“Stop right there! I gotta know right now! Before we go any further!”

I should have known that something like this would happen and roll my eyes at Antti who’s storming into the living room. He’s using a water bottle as a microphone and gives me a naughty look. “Antti, no, you can’t be serious!” Antti however moves closer still and starts rotating his hips.

“Do you love me? Will you love me forever?” Antti sings loudly along with Meatloaf – he’s practically shouting the words. Does that mean he expects me to play along?

My first instinct is to ignore Antti, but I happen to glance at Juha and he’s chuckling away at Antti’s antics. Alright, I can make a fool out of myself too if that earns me more smiles! Grabbing hold of the bottle that held the cleaner – and which is thankfully empty now, I turn toward Antti and sing, “ Let me sleep on it. Baby, baby let me sleep on it. Let me sleep on it. And I'll give you my answer in the morning!” I try to make my performance as dramatic as possible and it’s showing effect on Juha, who’s actually wiping away tears of mirth from his eyes. Good, I want him to laugh!

Antti now really gets into the mood of things and continues, “Will you love me forever?”

He acts his part perfectly and I grin back at him. Antti has also noticed the effect we’re having on Juha and starts humping me. Okay, that’s a bit too much and I swat his backside and whisper, “Behave!” Antti however doesn’t let that stop him and starts moving about again.

“Let me sleep on it!” I tell Antti before the song explodes again and I give in. We sing along and both eye Juha closely. He’s smiling at us and his fingers rub behind Princess’ ears. Although the music is too loud for me to hear, I suspect she’s purring loudly.

Antti and I finish the song – and our performance – and bow. Juha applauds us and it’s the first time since we met that his eyes are alight with fire. I love seeing it there. “Thank you!” I call out dramatically and bow again.

“And now we’re going back to cleaning! Get busy!” Antti demands.

Antti gets his revenge and swats my bottom! I’ll get back at him for that, but before I can return the favor, Antti dances out of the living room.

“What was that about?” Juha wipes at his eyes and smiles happily.

“Antti’s insane, in case you hadn’t noticed!” I drop the cloth for one moment and make my way over to the couch. I pet Princess’ head and smile at Juha. “We’re a crazy bunch.” Juha nods and the smile, although weakened, still remains on his face.

“Juhani and Ray are quite mad too… I miss them…” Juha admits in an unguarded moment.

I sit down next to him and take his hand into mine. He trembles and I wish I could do more to comfort him. “They’ll visit, won’t they?” He nods, but doesn’t seem to believe that it will happen. “And in the meantime, you can borrow Antti whenever you want.” That last remark makes him smile again. “See? We can solve each problem!”

“I’m done with the kitchen!” Antti says as he looks around the corner. “I’m moving onto the bathroom!”

Juha smiles shyly at me. “He does look a bit high.”

I return that smile. “Shall we check on the kitchen in a bit? We only have one box left and then we’re done in here.” I’m really proud of the work I did today. I’m not normally very productive when it comes down to cleaning. Juha nods again and I leave the couch to carry the last box over to where he’s sitting. “Mikko was sloppy. He didn’t put the content on it.”

Juha seems to grow curious and I open the box. It holds framed pictures and growing curious I pick up one of them and have a look. Juha’s on it, but his hair is curly and not as dark red as it is now. An older man with long brown hair is standing next to him and behind them is an elderly couple. “Is that your family?”

Next to me, Juha chokes up and bursts into tears. I put the picture back into the box and wrap an arm around him. I have no idea why he’s crying, but everything – his depression, his leaving Oulu – is clearly related to his family. I don’t want to pry, but maybe it’ll help if he talks about it. I rock him against me, and he allows it. He doesn’t pull away as I had feared. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m a good listener.”

Juha however shakes his head and more sobs erupt from deep within his throat. I put Princess, who’s also disturbed, onto the floor and bury Juha in a proper hug. “That’s okay too. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” I can be patient if I need to and I continue to rock him. Something happened that tore Juha away from his family – but what?

I continue to rock him for a few more minutes and wave Antti away when he looks in on us. I don’t want Juha to feel even more embarrassed than he already does. Antti gets the hint and leaves. I hold Juha and wait for the emotional storm to pass. “Do you want me to put that box into the storage area?” He probably doesn’t want it about if he gets emotional about looking at the pictures.

Juha nods against my shoulder, but I don’t move yet. “If you ever want to tell me about your family, I’ll listen, okay?” I need him to understand that he has someone to turn to if everything gets too much. He nods again and I rub his back. “I’m going to put this box away and then we’re going to have a bite to eat. I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.” A look at my watch tells me that we’ve been at it for hours. It’s four o’clock already!

“Sure… Sorry for…” Juha brushes at his tears and raises his head. “I didn’t want to break down like that.”

“It’s alright. I don’t mind holding you.” I give him a reassuring smile and rub his back one last time. “Why don’t you already move to the kitchen? I’ll join you there in a second.” I get up from the couch and carry the box into the small storage area. As expected, Antti’s been waiting for me and he pulls me into the bathroom, which is, as expected, spotless. But boy, does it smell in here! I quickly open the small window as I don’t want the fumes to knock me out. “Antti, how can you breathe in here?”

“It’s great…”

Antti’s eyes glitter and he’s drooling a bit. It merely confirms my suspicions that he likes cleaning because he gets high on the fumes. “Are you finished in here?”

Antti nods. “Now tell me what happened in the living room. Why was Juha crying?”

I give in. Antti’s stubborn and will harass me until I tell him. “Something happened that forced him to leave Oulu and his family. I don’t know what.”

Antti gives me a thoughtful look and seems to be thinking everything over, although it eludes me how he can still think rationally after having been exposed to those fumes all day!

“What’s his problem? I mean, why does he look like that? All starved and pale? Does he eat?”

I smile at Antti. He looks and acts rude at times, but he has a heart of gold and I know that he has started to worry about Juha too. “He’s depressed – he’s seeing a therapist and taking medication and he eats, although not much.”

Antti nods: he’s clearly worried. “It’s good that he’s getting help, but those pills…he should ditch those.”

I know where this is coming from. A friend of Antti’s went through something similar, and the medication made things worse instead of better. “I’ll talk to him about it, if I can.”

Antti nods again. “Let’s join him… I’m done in here.”

A look about tells me that Antti even unpacked the boxes and stored away towels and toiletries. “This room needs a plant or two.”

“I agree… We’ll pick some up.”

Antti moves out of the bathroom and I follow quickly. We find Juha seated at the kitchen table. His eyes are full of wonder and I must admit that Antti did a great job. He didn’t just clean the kitchen, he also put everything into place.

“You have no food in the house, do you know that?” Antti says, addressing Juha as he sits down next to the other redhead.

“I know that… I haven’t been to any stores yet,” Juha whispers in that embarrassed tone of his.

“I’ll do it,” Antti volunteers. “I’m hungry anyway. You can pay me back by making dinner.”

Juha throws Antti an alarmed look and I know what he’s thinking. There’s no way he’ll get through making dinner: he simply lacks the energy for it. “We’ll cook. We don’t you take a nap?”

“But I can’t do that! You worked so hard and…”

“And we had fun doing it! So go sleep! Dinner will be ready by the time you wake up!” Antti says and gets to his feet again.

“You need money!” Juha says, but Antti immediately raises a hand.

“Consider it my housewarming gift!” Antti grins, turns and marches out of the kitchen.

Juha gives me a worried look, which I dismiss with a smile. “How about that nap? I can use one myself!” Cleaning did wear me down! It’s more exhausting than playing a gig! I give Juha an expectant look.

He sighs and nods. “You’re right… I can do with some rest.”

The fatigued expression in his green eyes already told me that, but it’s nice that he also acknowledges that fact. “Bedroom or couch?”

“Bedroom’s more comfortable,” Juha says and I agree. We leave the kitchen and move into the bedroom which looks inviting. “Lie down, will you?” I close the curtains a bit, but keep the window open. It’s warm in here and the breeze cools everything down a bit. I make my way over to the bed, where Juha is curling up on his side. “Is there anything you need?” His lips move, but no words leave his lips. He needs something though. “What is it?”

“Can Princess stay? I’d rather not be alone,” Juha requests softly.

“Sure can she stay!” Princess leaps onto the bed and settles against Juha’s abdomen. “I told you she should stay with you, didn’t I?” Yawning myself, I wonder how comfortable Juha’s bed is. I can’t be bothered to go into the living room or return to my apartment when there’s a bed right in front of me. I lie down and stare into Juha’s big, questioning eyes. I only offer him a smile though.

~~~

Things got strange just now. Jack’s on his side and is looking at me with those huge blue eyes of his. What am I supposed to do? I can’t ask him to leave, not after all the things he did for me, and to be honest, I enjoy having him about. He distracts me and I feel less troubled when he’s close. I decide not to make an issue out of the matter as my bed is big enough for the two of us – sorry, three of us. I didn’t forget about you intentionally, Princess.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Jack says. “But your bed is comfortable and mine too far away.”

I hate the way my voice trembles when I say, “It’s okay. I don’t mind.” Princess presses against my abdomen, seeking attention and I resume stroking her fur. “Thank you for helping me out today. You didn’t have to do that.”

Jack nods. “I want to help.”

I don’t want to close my eyes, but it happens all by itself – I’m tired and I quickly fall asleep even though Jack’s presence still puzzles me. The last thing I notice before drifting off is Jack stroking my hair in a soothing manner.

~~~

I wake because there’s some noise going on in the kitchen. Cupboards are being opened and closed and I hear voices as well. Sitting up, I notice that Princess has left and Jack isn’t in bed either. Listening more closely, I realize it’s Antti and Jack talking in the kitchen.

The remaining light of the setting sun guides my feet as I make my way into the kitchen. They’re cooking and inviting smells travel up my nostrils. I blink—what’s going on here? Is this really my kitchen? Where does all the food stuff come from? And what’s that plant doing there in the corner and I’m sure I don’t have any candles. Yet, there are some on the kitchen table which is set for three.

“I hope we didn’t wake you!” Antti smiles and moves about the meat grilling in the pan.

“I slept too long as it is.” I step into the kitchen and head for a chair. After sitting down, I look about and see Jack, who’s tossing a salad. I hope they don’t expect me to eat all that. I doubt my stomach can handle it. Jack must have caught my look, because he smiles reassuringly.

“We got soup for you, but it would be great if you’d manage some salad as well and maybe a small piece of steak?” Jack places the salad bowl onto the table.

I’m much too preoccupied though to reply. My kitchen looks cozy and inviting and I’m still trying to figure out the things they changed while I was asleep. “Where does that plant come from? And the candles?”

“They were on offer,” Antti says and removes the steaks from the pan. “I admit to going a bit overboard, but they were a bargain!”

I blink. Why are my cupboards stuffed like that? The doors are made of glass and they’re stuffed to the brink with food. “Why did you buy all that stuff?”

“Because I want to eat that stuff when I’m visiting!” Antti puts the soup into three bowls and puts them onto the table. “And now start eating!”

I pick up the spoon and move the soup about. Normally I love tomato soup, and I *am* hungry, but…for some reason I can’t eat anything. I feel watched.

“It tastes good!” Antti says as he starts eating.

I sigh and swallow a spoonful. Antti’s right – the soup tastes well enough, but still, I lack motivation to eat.

“Your stomach’s growling, Juha. Don’t you think it’s trying to tell you something?” Jack remarks.

It is? Surprise, I realize he’s right. My stomach’s making noise. I *am* hungry, but…

“Eat some more…” Antti smiles reassuringly.

As I don’t want to seem ungrateful, I force down a few more spoonfuls and then push the bowl away from me. The soup is too rich for my taste and I don’t really like creamy soups.

“Next round!” Antti announces as he collects the plates which hold the steaks.

He puts the plate with the smallest steak in front of me and my features contort. I’m about to protest having to eat more, but my stomach has a will of its own and growls again, making it very clear that it craves the food. Reluctantly I pick up my knife and fork and cut a small piece off of the steak.

“Don’t forget about the salad! It has lots of vitamins!” Jack says cheerfully.

He gives me such a hopeful look that I can’t reject the offer and let him put some of the salad onto my plate. The huge amount of food on it makes me queasy, but still my stomach demands I eat. I take small bites and eventually manage half of it. “I can’t eat more than that,” I say and look at them, feeling embarrassed.

“That’s okay! You should leave a spot for dessert!” Antti comments and finishes his steak which is twice the size of mine.

“Dessert, ui, yeah!” Jack says enthusiastically. “I’ll get it!” He walks over to the fridge.

My eyes nearly bulge from their sockets upon seeing that it’s stuffed to the brim. “What did you do?”

“I went grocery shopping,” Antti says jokingly. “And don’t worry, Japa and I will eat half of it any way!”

I hope they will. There’s no way I can eat that much. I’ll end up throwing away most otherwise. Jack puts chocolate pudding onto the table and divides the content of the package over three bowls. He pushes one toward me and hands me a spoon. I stare at him in disbelief. Does he really expect me to eat all that?

“See how much you can manage?” Jack requests. “Antti will finish off the rest.”

How can a skinny guy like Antti eat all that? At the moment, he’s finishing the remains of my steak. As I want to please Jack and show them my appreciation for helping me, I scope some of the pudding onto my spoon and swallow it. After three more spoonfuls, I resign. “I’m sorry, but…”

“That’s okay!” Antti has already finished his portion and now reaches for mine.

My eyes widen as I see him wolf down the rest of my pudding. “I would never had thought that you eat so much – considering your stature.”

“Considering that I’m so fucking thin?” Antti grins. “I eat all the time. I just burn it right off again!” Antti finishes eating and rubs his non-existing tummy. His abdomen is perfectly flat.

“Boah, I ate too much!” Jack whines and rubs his, rather present, tummy. “I need another nap!”

I smile at Jack. Having them here makes me feel warm inside. I thought I wanted to be alone, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I crave company instead. I feel less broody since I met Jack and it’s even harder to feel gloomy when Antti’s around. I like having them about -- I never thought I would.

TBC

Part 5

I distinctly feel Jack’s gaze upon me. We’ve settled down on the couch and Jack was so kind to get my television hooked up to the cable. He has tuned all the channels and is now zapping his way through them. He settles on some movie and then looks at me.

“There’s nothing decent on, but then again, what’s new?” Jack smiles and cocks his head. “You *do* know that you have a bathtub, don’t you?”

The sudden change in topic surprises me, but eventually I nod my head. “I noticed. What about it?”

“Soaking in that bathtub might have a relaxing effect on you,” Jack says and winks.

“Is that some sort of hint?” Do I smell? I know that’s been a while since I showered and I take a sniff. Oh, yes, I do! “Sorry…”

“I’ll fill up the bathtub for you.” Jack gets to his feet and leaves the room.

I stay behind on my own – well, not quite alone, as Princess is still there with me. I can’t figure Jack out. Why is he doing this?

He returns five minutes later and gives me a smile. It’s obvious that he wants me on my feet and I comply. He walks me to the bathroom and then halts at the doorway.

“I have to go back to my apartment for a bit – there are some things I need to take care of, like feeding Princess, but I’ll be back – if you want me to.”

I nod my head. “Yes, please.” I want him near.

“Alright, I’ll be right back! You enjoy your soak in the meantime!”

I watch Jack until he has stepped out of the corridor and then move into the bathroom. I close the door behind me and peel myself out of my clothes, which directly go into the washing machine. A whole pile of clothes is waiting to be washed and I decide to tackle that problem tomorrow and not today. I had enough excitement for one day.

I lower myself into the water and sigh contentedly. It was a good idea of Jack to tell me to clean up. I really need to wash my hair and smile upon realizing that Jack put everything within easy reach. I wash my hair, rinse it and then let the warm water cradle my body.

I rest my head against the rim and close my eyes, thoroughly enjoying being cradled like that. Jack’s been wonderful to me and I wonder if I deserve such kindness.

Jack… Jack has these big blue eyes and when he smiles at me… My chest expands with a sigh and I allow myself to fall deeper into this warmth rising from deep within me whenever I think of Jack.

I open my eyes with a start, realizing my body is reacting in a way I don’t want it to react! Thinking of Jack, and this warmth cradling me causes my body to react. Horrified, I realize that I’m growing erect. No, damn it! This is not happening! I don’t want to get off because I’m thinking about Jack! I don’t want to be gay!

Tears stream from my eyes and angrily I wipe at them. Stop it! I don’t want to feel that way about another man! These feelings are the root of all evil! I lost my family and my home because of them! I want them to stop!

Since I’m upset, my erection fades, but the tears clinging to my face remain as an reminder of what happened just now. I don’t desire Jack! I hardly know him! I don’t desire men, period!

But I know that I’m fooling myself. I like men – I’m attracted to them and to Jack in particular. I can’t allow for that to happen though and I crush those awakening feelings within an iron fist. No, this is not going to happen! I won’t let these feelings for Jack ruin this new friendship! I tighten my grip on these feelings and crush them ruthlessly.

Once I feel in control again, I rise from the water and wonder why the foam has turned red. Not all of it, but part, yes. Frowning, I search for the source and then realize it’s blood. Opening my hand, which I clenched into a tight fist, I find that that my fingernails buried themselves into the palm of my hand. My fingernails are sharp as it has been two weeks since I cut them. I never intended for it to happen though.

Wrapping one towel around my wet hair, I use the other to dry my skin, single-handedly that is. Once I’m done I wrap the towel around my hand, which is still bleeding. The wound’s deeper than I thought and I’ll have to bandage it. I have no idea though where Jack and Antti put the first aid kit, if I have one, that is.

Standing in front of the mirror, I stare at myself in disgust. I can’t do anything right. I stare at my reflection a minute longer and then remove the towel from around my hair. It’s no longer dripping wet and I open the cupboards in search of band aids. I don’t find any though and in the end I abandon my search. It doesn’t really matter that I injured myself. Nothing matters…

Feeling depressed, I drag myself into my bedroom and curl up on my side. I pull the sheet over my body and shiver – not because it’s cold, but because I fucked up again.

~~~

I don’t like it at all that Juha isn’t answering the door. I rang the doorbell several times and I even knocked, yet there’s no response. When I left Juha he seemed fine, but I know he’s far from fine. He’s struggling with depression and god knows what kind of problems. I need to check on him. I need to make sure that he’s okay. But as he isn’t opening the door I have no way of making sure.

“Meow…”

Sighing, I pick up Princess. “You really need to stop leaving the apartment.” This time it’s my fault though – I left my front door open. I carry her with me as I make my way into the living room. Thinking everything over, my gaze shifts to the window – that’s the way Princess always sneaks into Juha’s bedroom, but I have no idea if a human can also use that route. Looks like it’s about time I found out.

After putting Princess back onto the floor, I sit down on the windowsill and gauge the distance between Juha’s balcony and mine and I’m amazed to find that I can easily cover it, but then again, I never felt the need to sneak into my neighbor’s apartment before. I stand on the windowsill, pull myself up to the rim, swing my legs onto Juha’s balcony and jump. I can’t believe it’s that easy!

I do feel bad upon sneaking into his bedroom, but my worry overrules my guilty conscience. Glancing at the bed, I instantly spot the red, still damp, hair. Juha must have gone straight to bed after taking that bath. He’s okay then and I worried about nothing. I’m about to turn around when I spot the redness on the white towel wrapped around Juha’s hand. Is it blood? What else can it be?

Instantly concerned again, I walk over to the bed and sit down on the edge. I don’t want to startle him, or even worse, upset him, but I have to know what happened and if it’s really blood. Gently I move his hand toward me and unwrap the towel. I glance at his face and his features seem worried. His lips are pulled into a thin line and a harsh expression stretches across his face. I was right then – something *is* wrong.

“Oh what did you do?” The words escape my lips unintentionally and I wish I could take them back, as I’m afraid they will wake him. My fears come true and his eyes open. “Hey, don’t worry, it’s just me.”

Juha stares at me with guilt in his eyes and I have no idea why it’s there. What happened during my absence? “You’re bleeding,” I whisper in what hopefully is a soothing manner. He doesn’t seem to question my presence and I’m relieved about that. I want to deal with his injury first and explain sneaking into his bedroom later.

Juha nods slowly. “I had a little accident.”

“What happened?” I peel away the fabric and cringe at seeing the wound.

“My fingernails…are too sharp… I made a fist and wasn’t aware…” Juha’s voice drifts off and he closes his eyes.

I accept his explanation for now. I’m relieved nothing more serious happened. He could have slit his wrists… No, I can’t think like that. Juha might be depressed, but he doesn’t strike me as someone who wants to end his life. “I need to get the first aid kit. I’ll be right back.” I wait until Juha has nodded and then leave the bedroom.

In the corridor, I halt in my tracks and draw in a deep breath. I didn’t think I would be so worried about Juha – or so concerned upon finding that injury. I’m starting to care deeply for this young man and I’m not sure what to think of that. Sure, Juha’s a beauty and I’ve got the feeling that his soul is equally beautiful, but we just met. Am I really falling head over heels in love with him? It happened before with Chris, but that was different. No, it wasn’t, not really. Argh, I don’t want to think about this any longer as I’m wasting time when I should be getting the first aid kit instead!

Carrying the first aid kit, I return to the bed to find that Juha’s sitting up. He pulled the sheet up to his chest and I realize he went to bed naked after taking his bath. He looks embarrassed and is blushing. As far as I’m concerned though he has no reason to feel ashamed. He looks gorgeous, even when he’s still on the skinny side, but I’ll take care of that and fatten him up.

“Let me see your hand.” I sit down on the edge, and gesture for him to rest his hand on my thigh. He reluctantly complies and his blush deepens. Simply gorgeous, that one.

“The bleeding has stopped,” Juha says in a tiny voice. “It’s not that bad.”

“That might be so, but I’m still disinfecting and bandaging it. I’m not taking any risks.” I use the towel, which is still damp to clean away the blood and disinfect the wound using some spray. Juha hisses and I look apologetically at him. “Sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“It’s okay,” Juha whispers. “I can tell that you’re trying to be gentle.”

Our gazes meet and for one long moment I lose myself in his eyes. I shake myself from the spell he cast on me and bandage his hand loosely. “There, that should do the trick. Try to be more careful in future if you can.”

Juha nods. “I didn’t do it on purpose, I really didn’t. It was an accident.”

“I believe you.” I put the first aid kit away and grow shy myself. How am I to explain my presence here? How will Juha react to learning that I sneaked in here the same way Princess did?

“I should let you go back to sleep,” I say when Juha remains quiet. I had been so sure that he would ask me how I got here! “I’m sure Princess will join you in a bit. She’s probably raiding my kitchen now that I’m not there to keep her in check. She eats lots, you know!”

Juha smiles and it’s good to see the expression in his eyes brighten. My little anecdote seems to have cheered him up. I don’t want to get up and leave him though. I want to stay, but…is my presence wanted? “I should go now.” To my surprise, Juha moves his bandaged hand and rests it atop of my arm.

“Can you stay a little longer? Just until I’m asleep?”

The pleading tone in his voice gets to me and I nod. “Of course I can. I’ll stay as long as you want me to!” It must be hard on him to ask me to stay – I’ve learned that much. “Is it okay if I lie down? I can do with some sleep too. I didn’t get any earlier, when you slept soundly for two hours.”

“You can lie down… I don’t mind…”

Juha’s expression though tells me that he’s nervous for some reason. I lie down on my side and smile at him. It’s a bit too warm for me to be wearing my clothes at night, but I don’t want to get up and undress. I like where I am right now.

“Be careful with that.” I gently lower his bandaged hand onto the mattress and tuck the sheet around him. Looking into his eyes, I sigh – my, I have it bad. “Try to sleep, Juha. I’ll keep an eye on you.”

Juha nods and his eyes close again. He looks vulnerable and in a way innocent. I raise my hand so I can stroke his hair which still smells of his fruity shampoo. I love the way the strands run through my fingers – like sand, or silk.

“Sleep tight and dream something sweet,” I whisper and hum an old Finnish lullaby. His features finally relax and he slips deeper into sleep. My thoughts drift off and I think back to my first real crush – which happened to be Chris.

It happened right after we met at a festival. I instantly fell for Chris, who was quite flattered, but he also quickly told me that he was already taken. Although I was disappointed, and miserable for some weeks, I accepted the fact that Chris and Jonne were together. And now it has happened again – with Juha. I don’t even know if he likes men. I know so little about him.

I move closer to Juha. It’s the first time that Princess isn’t resting in-between us and I can’t stop stroking his hair or looking at his face. He looks relaxed in sleep and I want to keep it that way. My hand starts to shake when I move it away from the red hair and toward Juha’s face. Gently, I palm his cheek in my hand and hold my breath. Juha stays asleep though and merely smiles.

“Sweet dreams, Juha,” I whisper and briefly rest my brow against his. “I’ll watch over you.” I fight my sleep for a while, but then I lose the battle and drift off as well.

~~~

I stay motionless as long as I can as I want to enjoy the view longer. Jack stayed last night and somehow, sometime during the night, I ended up in his arms. I didn’t think I would feel so safe in his arms, but I do. I even make sure my breathing is shallow so I don’t wake him that way. I want to stay like this, even though it’s a dangerous situation I am in. Yesterday, during my bath, I grew hard just thinking about Jack and now he’s actually close – and he smells so nice.

I probably don’t stand a chance fighting this attraction, but I can’t give in either. These feelings are wrong and there’s no way Jack wants me. What are the chances of him being gay as well? Minimum.

“Morning…”

I flinch. Jack’s voice startles me and I try to move away, but Jack keeps his arms wrapped around me. I’m afraid to look at him now that he’s awake. I don’t want to run the risk of him reading the attraction in my eyes. “Morning…” My voice shakes and reveals my agitation. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to endanger this new friendship.

“Let’s have breakfast and then it’s time to leave,” Jack says with a wicked smile on his face.

I raise an eyebrow. “Leave?” I don’t have places to go, at least not today.

“I’ve got band rehearsal and you’re coming along!”

Huh? Why is that? “But, Jack…”

“No, you’re coming along. I’m not leaving you alone. I want you near.”

I swallow nervously and peek at his eyes. “Why, Jack?”

“Because…” Jack swallows too and I can tell he’s growing nervous as well. What’s going on here?

“Because I want to watch over you. I want to make sure that you’re okay. That’s why I sneaked into your bedroom last night.”

I stare at Jack with large eyes. “You did what?”

“I sneaked in here, yes. I took the same way Princess took. I rang your doorbell, but you didn’t open the door, and I had to know that you’re fine. When I found you in bed, I thought I worried over nothing, but then I saw your hand and…”

I blink and look at Jack in wonder. Does he really care that much about me? But he hardly knows me! He doesn’t know what a failure I am! I should tell him, but I don’t want to. I’m afraid I’ll lose his friendship if I tell him I’m gay. I lost my parents that way.

I’ve never been this close to another man before and I like the feeling it evokes inside me. I like having Jack close and the feel of his fingertips running through my hair makes my scalp tingle. It’s wrong to feel this way though and I shouldn’t give in, but I’m weak, just like my parents said, and I don’t have the heart to fight this attraction. I can never act on it, but I want Jack as a friend.

“Is it wrong for me to care and want to make sure that you’re fine?”

Jack’s question pulls me from my musings. I really lost myself in my thoughts. Damn medication… Ah fuck, I forgot to take my pills before going to sleep last night! I really need to remember to take them at breakfast.

“Why don’t you get dressed? I’ll get breakfast started and I’ll see you in the kitchen,” Jack suggests.

I nod and watch Jack leave the bed and disappear from the room. I blush, finally becoming aware of the fact that I’m naked beneath the sheet. Getting dressed sounds like a good plan and I make my way over to my closet. Jack put everything away neatly. I remove a shirt and a pair of jeans from the closet and get dressed. That little action tires me and I need to sit down on the bed to catch my breath. It’s those damn pills that wear me down, but I can’t stop taking them like that. My therapist wouldn’t appreciate it.

“Juha? Is everything okay?” Jack asks as he peeks around the corner.

“I’m on my way.” I get to my feet and shuffle toward Jack. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to drag me along to your rehearsal.”

“On the contrary! I think it’s an excellent idea!”

Jack takes hold of my good hand and pulls me into the kitchen with him. Oh, he already made toast and topped it with jam. Next to my plate stands a glass filled with orange juice and some herbal tea. “I need my medication too,” I whisper.

“I’ll get it for you… Where did you put it?”

“On the coffee table in the living room.” I feel bad for making him fetch my pills, but I’m dizzy and getting my medication myself probably is a bad idea. Jack returns carrying the pills and puts them onto the kitchen table. I remove two and swallow them.

“Are you sure taking them helps?” Jack asks and sips from his orange juice.

“I’m not sure… My therapist thinks they’re good for me.”

“When are you seeing him again?”

“I got an appointment tomorrow.” I sigh and stare at the toast. “You’re going to make me eat that, aren’t you?” Jack nods and I take hold of the toast. I nibble slowly and study Jack. He’s changed everything and I don’t know what to do, or what to say.

“You’ll like the rest of the band. They’re easy-going, although Eliaz can be weird and Sammy… Well, Sammy is Sammy – a bit of an ego maniac.”

Ah yes, Jack plans on taking me along for his band rehearsal. “I’d rather stay here.” I have the feeling though that reasoning with Jack will be useless.

“That’s bullshit! You’re coming along and meeting the guys! You already know Spit and there’s a good chance that Antti will be there too. You like Antti, don’t you?”

Sighing deeply, I nod. “Yes, I like him.” It’s like I thought, reasoning with Jack is pointless. He’ll simply drag me along.

~~~

“You don’t need to be nervous, trust me, they’re good guys!” I spent the last thirty minutes reassuring Juha, who clearly doesn’t want to be here. That’s too bad for him though as I won’t allow him to hide away in his apartment any longer. I keep my arm wrapped around his waist, because Juha is still wobbly on his feet and I don’t want him to suffer another injury. I open the door to our rehearsal room and guide him inside. One quick sweep of the room tells me that everyone’s already present. “Hei!” I say, greeting them.

Sammy looks up and I can tell that he’s about to lecture me because I’m late, but then he changes his mind and studies my companion instead.

“Guys, this is Juha! My new neighbor and friend!” I check their expressions and smile at them. Eliaz, Illy, Sammy and Spit seem relaxed and Antti moves about in the back. “Juha, these are my band mates. You already met Spit. This is Eliaz, who acts weird at times, but is completely harmless. Illy… And then there’s Sammy, our singer.”

Juha gives them a shy look from deep within his hood. He pulled it over his hair the moment we left my car. He’s hiding again, but at least he’s no longer locking himself up in his apartment.

Sammy moves closer and I give him a warning look. He’d better behave or I’ll get back at him! “Sammy, Juha’s also a singer. His band’s called Reflexion.” Sammy nods, but it’s Eliaz’ reaction which takes me aback.

“That’s a fucking great band!” our drummer says and grins madly at Juha. “And you’ve got an amazing voice!”

Sammy seems offended, but I merely smile. Sometimes it’s necessary to restrain Sammy’s ego a bit.

“Don’t worry,” Juha says. “I’m not here to sing… Just observe…”

Juha suddenly squeaks rather loudly and I burst out into laughter. Antti tackled him from behind and now smothers him in a hug.

“You’re not singing? Such a pity! I was hoping you would sing some Meatloaf for me,” Antti says and hugs Juha rather tightly.

I hold my breath as I have no idea how Juha’s going to react. I almost expect him to push Antti away and make a run for it, but then he surprises me and allows the hug. He even returns Antti’s smile, although shyly.

“I’m not singing,” Juha says. “But maybe you can convince Jack to do another duet?”

“I don’t want to know what’s going on here,” Sammy says in an annoyed voice. “We’re here to rehearse, so let’s start!”

“Ignore him,” I tell Juha upon seeing his startled look. “He probably didn’t get any sex last night.”

“I heard that, Jack!” Sammy calls out.

I shrug. “Don’t worry. I’m not scared of him. Stay here, make yourself comfortable and enjoy the show!” I’m tempted to press a kiss onto Juha’s cheek but I don’t follow up on it. Kissing my friends is nothing unusual for me, but Juha doesn’t know that and I don’t know how he will interpret such a move. I raise my arm instead and wave at Juha as I make my way over to my guitar. I trust Antti to take care of Juha.

“Come with me. I know a comfortable spot,” Antti says and leads Juha to a comfortable couch in the back.

I watch them settle down and give Juha a wink. It’s great seeing him here and I know that forcing him to leave his apartment was the right thing to do. Juha might not be aware of it, but a gleam has appeared in his eyes and it makes him look so much more alive.

TBC

Part 6

My eyes follow each move Jack makes and I can’t seem to get enough of staring at him. He’s a great guitarist and his voice blows me away. Too bad Sammy only lets Jack do backing vocals. It would be nice to hear Jack sing a song too, but maybe Sammy is too insecure to allow that. Having two singers in a band is always a risk.

“Jack’s quite something,” Antti whispers into my ear.

I nod. Antti’s right about that. “He’s talented.”

“You’re talented too. Spit has your band’s debut album at home and we listened to it last night. Eliaz joined us and listened along. That’s why he’s so enthusiastic about it.”

I’m not sure what to say about that. “The album was okay, but not as good as I wanted it to be. The record company got involved and I don’t like the final editing.”

“Maybe you can change that on your next album?”

“There won’t be another album.” Antti gives me a startled look and I lower my gaze. “I’m not sure I still got a band.”

“All that because you moved to Helsinki?”

“That’s part of it…” I can’t believe I’m opening up to Antti. I don’t know the guy and yet I feel like I can confide in him. “I also don’t know if I can still be their singer… I’m having problems at the moment…” I grow quiet and peek at Antti from behind my hair.

Antti has a thoughtful look on his face and when he speaks it’s in a calm voice. “Just remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

I frown at hearing that remark, but I don’t get a chance to ask Antti what it’s about because Jack suddenly stands in front of me.

“Sammy’s left… Do you want to sing with us?” Jack’s eyes possess a wicked gleam and he grins hopefully.

I shake my head. “I can’t, Jack. My voice isn’t what it’s used to be and I lack the energy to put on a show.” Jack’s disappointed, but only for a moment. Then he runs back to his band mates and starts talking to them. I wonder what’s that about. Suddenly Antti whispers into my ear and my eyes widen.

“Jack’s a treasure in case you hadn’t noticed that yet. He has a heart of gold and he’s handsome. He has a great sense of humor and he’s definitely a catch. He likes you.. Do you like him too? I think you do.”

I stare at Antti in shock. What’s he talking about? “Of course I like Jack! He’s been helping me out and…”

“I don’t mean it like that.” Antti cocks his head. “I wonder about you, Juha. You’re a beauty and yet you hide whenever you can. It’s like you’re afraid people really see you – and I mean *you*. Why are you hiding? What made you retreat into the shadows when you should be standing in the spotlight?”

Antti’s words freeze the blood in my veins. He’s getting too close – way too close, but I can’t jump to my feet and run away. I would collapse before reaching the door and Jack would worry unnecessarily. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I think you do. Someone hurt you pretty bad. I wonder who it was and what they did in order to inflict such damage.”

I’m shaking like a leaf and I know Antti is aware of it, but for some reason he’s not backing off. Instead he continues talking to me in that deceptively sweet voice of his.

“I don’t know what happened and I’ve got the feeling that you aren’t going to tell me, but Juha, don’t believe them. They told you lies. No matter what they said, it’s not true. It was said in order to hurt you, maybe on purpose, maybe because they think they’re right, but they stole something from you. Every now and then I see this inner light, but I should see it all the time. They broke you… Don’t allow them to ruin your life like that.”

I can’t stand it any longer. He has no idea why I’m broken. Antti doesn’t know about my parents. He doesn’t know that I’m gay and that I put this curse on myself. “Let me be… Stop it.”

“I will, but let me tell you one more thing, Juha. You’ve got to fight, do you hear me? I lost a friend because he gave up. I don’t want to see another young life go to waste like that.”

Finally he stops whispering and I relax a bit. I know that he means well, but the things he said unsettle me. What if there’s some truth to it?

“Hey, why are you looking so glum?”

Jack’s squatting in front of me and I didn’t even notice. “It’s nothing…” I say in order to reassure him. I don’t want to think about Antti’s words right now.

“We would really love to hear you sing. Just one song,” Eliaz says and fixes me with his gaze. “You pick it and we play it for you.”

“You don’t know any Reflexion songs anyway,” I say, trying to change their minds.

“That’s where you’re wrong…” Spit sits down on the floor and rests an acoustic guitar across his knee. “Antti?”

Antti gets up from the couch and takes hold of another acoustic guitar. “I thought the two of you are bass players?” Their actions surprise me.

“Ah well, we’re multi-talented,” Antti says and gives me a wink.

I exchange a look with Jack. I feel set up. Did the two of them plan this? The same thought must have crossed Jack’s mind because he shrugs and cocks his head questioningly. Spit and Antti start playing and I recognize the song at once. It’s ‘Child in Dark’ and they want me to sing it? I’m not sure I can. I’m way too emotional at the moment and it will show in my voice.

“Please,” Jack says as he sits down next to me. “Try?”

I can’t deny him and he knows it. Antti and Spit start all over again and for Jack, I’m going to try.

“The rising sun above the sleeping ground
It shines so bright it hurts my tired eyes
The beautiful sun reminds me of you
And that I’m the one in dark
I’m so lost when we’re apart…”

I struggle through the song and I know it’s not my best performance. It’s my probably my worst, but they wanted it that way.

“Don’t get me wrong when I say
I’m the child in dark
You’ll keep me strong if you share
The light in your heart
I hope you remember that wherever you are is my home…”

Spit and Antti stop playing and I keep my gaze trained on the floor. I sucked at singing that song. I know it and I don’t want to see the expression on their faces. “I’m sorry… That was bad.”

“No, it wasn’t bad. Not at all.”

I look up in surprise. I thought Sammy had left, but now he’s standing there and he’s looking at me with an odd expression on his face.

“There’s a lot of emotion in your voice. That makes it special,” Sammy says.

“Thanks, Sammy!” Jack gives his friend a grateful look. “I knew you’d come around.”

I no longer feel comfortable here. I don’t know what happened when I sang that song just now, but it unsettled me. Giving Jack a pleading look, I ask, “Can you take me home now?”

Jack nods and I sigh in relief. I don’t want to be among so many people, and although Sammy seems friendlier now, I still feel unwanted.

“Let’s head home,” Jack says and gets to his feet. “Sammy, I’ll call you tomorrow…” He waves at the rest and guides me to the doorway. “I’m really proud of you, you know. Thanks for trying and the song sounded wonderful. It really did.”

I gaze into Jack’s eyes and get the impression that he’s being sincere. “Thanks,” I whisper and accept the compliment. I can’t wait to get home though. I need some peace and quiet.

~~~

I open the car door and wait patiently for Juha to get to his feet. Once he’s out of the car, I lock the door and wrap an arm around him. That little trip took a lot out of him. I walk him to the elevator and we ride it up to our floor. “Do you mind crashing on my couch for a moment? I really need to feed Princess.”

“I don’t mind. As long as I can sit down, I’m fine.”

I’m not sorry that I made him come along, but I *do* regret that the trip tired him to such an extent. I guide him into the living room and Juha sits down on the couch. “Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be right back.” Princess is already meowing and complaining that I haven’t fed her yet. “Yes, come along, you monster. I know you’re hungry.” She follows me into the kitchen where I put her favorite food in her bowl. “Now be a good kitty and eat…” I leave her alone and return to Juha.

“I’m sorry the trip tired you…” I sit down next to Juha and wonder about the gloomy expression on his face. “What’s wrong? Do you want to talk about it? I’m a good listener. Why don’t you try me?” I really hope he’s going to confide in me. I can’t help him if he keeps hiding from me. I take his hand in mine and rub his trembling fingers. “Why are you scared to tell me? I promise I won’t run out on you. I’ll stay and listen.”

The expression in Juha’s eyes tells me that he’s struggling to reach a decision. “You can trust me, Juha. Really, you can.” I move about until I sit facing him and I pull his hand into my lap. “Try me. I won’t let you down.”

Juha lowers his gaze again and continues struggling. I can’t help him though: he has to make the decision to trust me himself. I can only wait and hope for the best.

In the end, Juha raises his head and looks at me. I nod in order to encourage him. “Whatever it is that you want to tell me, just tell me.” Juha draws in a deep breath and I wonder what’s going to say. I’m thrilled though that he has decided to confide in me. I won his trust along the way.

“I hate being here on my own. I don’t like Helsinki and want to be home in Oulu.”

Alright, it’s a start. I squeeze his fingers and move a little closer. “Why don’t you go home then?”

“Because I can’t. My parents kicked me out of the house.”

That sounds awfully bitter and sad at the same time. Tears well up in his eyes and flow down his face a moment later. I’m glad that he’s letting his grief show. Hiding it will only make it worse. “Why did they kick you out?”

Juha however shakes his head. “I can’t tell you. You’ll hate me once you know the truth about me. My parents hate me too.”

My heart twitches with sorrow. “Oh, Juha, how can anyone hate you?” I ignore his half-hearted attempt to move away from me and pull him into my arms. “I haven’t known you for long, but I doubt I can ever hate you!” Juha rests his head against my shoulder and I stroke his back. “Your parents were out of their mind to throw you out. You’re sweet and caring!”

Juha sobs in my arms and I hold him. I’m tempted to ask again why they kicked him out, but I know that Juha has to tell me out of his own accord. I can’t make him. “Juha, I don’t know why they did it, but you didn’t deserve it.”

“That’s what Antti said…”

Antti? I frown. I saw them talk during our rehearsal earlier, but I didn’t think Juha would confide in him. “Antti’s right then. You don’t deserve to be mistreated like that.”

“But I did something bad… I *am* a bad person. You just don’t know it yet, and once you do, you won’t want anything to do with me.”

Juha continues to sob and his voice sends shivers down my spine. Just what did his parents tell him? Why does he think he’s such a horrendous person? I move away from him, but only slightly, place my hands on either side of his face and raise his head so he has no choice but to look at me. “Juha, will you please tell me why you think you’re a bad person?”

Juha’s shaking increases and I need to strengthen my hold on him. “Just trust me, please…”

“I can’t tell you…”

Frustrated, I let my fingers glide into his hair and massage his scalp. “Juha, keeping it inside is what is slowly killing you. It’s eating you alive. Tell me!” Juha falters, crumbles, and I know he’ll give in if I push just a little harder. “Juha, tell me and I’ll know whether your parents are right – or wrong!”

“I’m gay! I like men!” Juha screams at me and then his eyes grow impossibly big as he realizes that he really said the words. Panicking, he tries to move away from me, but I don’t allow it.

“That’s it? You’re gay, so what? Juha, lots of people are gay! That doesn’t make you a bad person!” I can’t believe that this is it – his big secret – the reason why he chose to give into depression and lock himself away.

“But being gay is wrong…” Juha says in a tiny voice. “I know that… My parents always told me so. It’s in the bible and they’re religious people. I can’t be gay, Jack, don’t you get it? I’m the devil in their eyes.”

I sigh deeply. Fuck… Thousand times fuck. I can’t believe there are still such retarded people around! “Juha, listen to me. Being gay doesn’t make you a bad person. Your parents are wrong.”

“But…”

I can tell that he wants to believe me, but it’s hard for him. There are two sides at war inside him. He doesn’t want to let down his parents, no matter how much they hurt him. He believes that being gay is wrong, because they told him so, but there’s another part of him that knows better – that should know better. “Being gay is not something you choose. It would be easier to be straight in this society, but it doesn’t work that way. You’re gay. You like men. That doesn’t make you a bad person – or evil! No matter what your parents told you!” My voice turns louder the longer I speak and I have to restrain myself. “Juha,” I add in a gentler voice. “It’s okay to be gay. It really is.”

The look on Juha’s face gives me hope. At least he’s listening to me. I pull him in for another hug and rock him like I did before. “Trust me, it’s okay to be gay. It doesn’t make you evil. It doesn’t. It really is alright to be that way.” Oh, this takes me back to the time when I came out to my parents. They were also upset, but contrary to Juha’s parents, they eventually accepted me the way I am and I have a good relationship with them these days. Juha’s parents strike me as too fanatic to ever accept that their son is gay. “It’s okay, Juha. It really is.” I keep that mantra up until he finally calms down in my arms.

“But they said…” Juha starts.

I rest a finger against his lips and silence him that way. “They believe the things they told you, but that doesn’t make them right. They’re wrong. You’re born gay. That’s the way it is.”

Juha nods slowly and I smile at him. He knows the truth in his heart, but he needed someone to tell him. I understand that – it can be devastating when your parents tell you something like that. “Thank you for telling me. I know that it was hard on you. Thanks for putting your trust in me.”

Juha nods again and his eyes close. This conversation has exhausted him and he needs some rest. “You can use my bed…” I don’t want to drag him into his apartment when my bed is closer.

“I can go home…” he whispers in a soft voice.

“No, you’re staying with me… Come on, let’s do this.” I gently pull him to his feet, keep my arm wrapped around him and move him into my bedroom.

“Quite different from mine,” Juha manages with a weak smile on his face.

I grin. “I like the black and red combination.” I painted three walls red and one black. The black metal frame of my bed takes up half of my bedroom, but I don’t mind, because it’s a comfortable bed. I push down the satin, red bed covers and lower Juha into the pillows.

“Close your eyes for a bit and try to sleep.” Although it isn’t cold in the room, I cover him with the comforter and make sure he’s comfortable. “And no nightmares, do you hear me? Everything’s fine. You can relax and let go.”

Juha closes his eyes and I sit down next to him. “Yes, that’s it. Relax and let go. I’m here and I’ll watch over you. You’re not alone, Juha.” Stroking his brow, and then his hair, I hum softly in the hope to put him at ease. “You’re a good person, you hear me? And I like you. I want you here – in my life. Stay, Juha. Don’t leave…”

Soft snoring reaches my ears, telling me Juha finally lost the fight to stay awake and is soundly asleep now. I move closer still, lean toward Juha and press a chaste kiss onto his brow. My beauty is gay. Juha likes men. It’s the best thing that could have happened to me, as I like Juha in turn. “Who knows,” I whisper to myself, “maybe there’s a reason why you moved to Helsinki and into the apartment next to mine.” Rubbing my thumb across his brow, I draw in a deep breath. These last few days have been a real rollercoaster ride and I know it’s not over yet.

~~~

I make coffee and take it with me into the living room. Juha’s confession and his breakdown didn’t leave me unaffected and I need to talk to someone in turn. I grab my phone and call my best friend. Chris is the one person I can always talk to, no matter what’s going on in my life.

“Sir Christus…”

Grinning, I shake my head. Chris is peculiar, but I love the guy. “Hei… It’s me.”

“Ah, I thought so… There’s only one person who will wake me up at this unholy hour.”

I check the time: it’s five in the afternoon. “Too early for you?”

“We partied…” Chris yawns. “So what’s up, baby?”

“Chris, some things happened and I need to talk to you.” Princess jumps up onto the couch and settles on my lap. I’m surprised that she wants to be with me, instead of Juha.

“What happened? Are you alright? You didn’t get involved in some kind of accident, did you?”

I smile at hearing the concern in Chris’ voice. “Contrary to you, I’m a good driver.”

“You little fucker!” Chris however chuckles.

“I love you too, Chris!” I smile and rest my head against the comfort of the couch. “I met someone, Chris. His name’s Juha and he’s my new neighbor.” I close my eyes and my fingers move over Princess’ head. She purrs and the sound calms me down. “He’s a real beauty. Long, red hair, the most gorgeous eyes you’ve ever seen…”

“Someone’s in love!” Chris says enthusiastically. “So what’s the problem?”

“He’s undergoing therapy because he’s depressed.”

“I can see why that’s a problem. Do you have any idea why he’s depressed?”

I nod, uncaring that Chris can’t see it. “His parents are a bunch of religious fanatics and they told him that being gay makes him a bad person… That he’s cursed, something like that. They kicked him out of the house and his friends helped him move here.”

“I hate those kind of people. They have no idea how much damage they do!” Chris says, frustrated.

I nod again. “At least he told me. He’s been living next door for two weeks and I didn’t notice him. He’s been locking himself away in there.”

“Then you must make him come out of hiding!”

“I did. I dragged him along to band practice.”

“And?” Chris chuckles. “Did the guys behave?”

“They did… Well, sort of. I suspect Antti and Spit set Juha up, but he took it in stride.”

“They set him up? In what way…? No, Jonne, I’m on the phone… Give me a moment here… Yes, babe… I’ll be with you in a sec… Sorry about that, Jack...”

“It’s okay.” I’m really happy that their relationship is a lasting one. In the business we’re in, it’s easy to be unfaithful and just hump groupies, but those two are devoted to each other. “They made Juha sing. He has a great voice. He’s in a band too and it’s called Reflexion.”

“Ah…now I know which Juha you’re talking about! Why didn’t you say so right away? And yes, Jonne, I’ll tell you in a moment which Juha we’re discussing…”

I chuckle again. Jonne *is* awfully curious! “Chris, thanks for listening. I really needed to vent a bit. My parents weren’t happy with me coming out of the closet, but they accepted it. I doubt Juha’s parents ever will and he’s so lonely… It hurts to see him that way.”

Chris stays quiet for a moment, but then he speaks, “Is it okay if I visit you this week? I can’t give you a date or time yet… You know what I’m like.”

“Sure, I do.” Chris is the kind of person who rings the doorbell when you least expect it. “You’re always welcome, and so is Jonne.”

“I’ll tell him. Jacky baby… take care of your Juha… I’ll drop by and then we’ll talk for real!”

“Thanks, Chris… love you too… and say hi to Jonne for me!”

“I will! Bye Jacky!”

I end the call and put my mobile phone onto the coffee table. Like so often, talking to Chris helped me sort out my thoughts. I want to be there for Juha. Yes, it might sound weird, considering we just met, but it’s important that I support him right now. He needs me: he needs friends. It’s a good thing that I have plenty of them and don’t mind sharing.

“Now, Princess… I’m going to take a nap…” I place her on the couch and pat her head. “Be a good girl and don’t sneak out. Juha’s in my bedroom so there’s no reason for you to sneak into his!” I get to my feet and move into the bedroom.

Juha’s still asleep and hasn’t moved since I left. I sit down on the edge of the bed and watch him for some time. I love the way he looks when he’s asleep – relaxed and unguarded. I push the bed covers out of the way and lie down next to him. I would love to take him into my arms, but I’m not sure how he’ll react so I keep my distance instead.

At least, that was my intention, but my arm moves out of its own accord and my fingers wander into Juha’s hair. Sighing contentedly, I press deeper into the mattress. There’s no more denying that I’m attracted to Juha. I don’t know why it’s happening, but I can’t deny my feelings, or change the way I feel about him. I like Juha – okay, it’s more than just liking him. I want to be there for him, watch over him and touch him. I know I have to be careful in that respect though.

Juha just told me that he’s gay and he probably never acted on those feelings before. He would have been way too scared that his parents found out and then… Well, they kicked him out at any rate.

I only hope that they didn’t screw him up too badly. Juha should be able to enjoy feeling attracted to someone and touch this person without suffering from a guilty conscience, but something tells me it might be a rocky road for Juha. His parents *did* do a lot of damage and it seems to be up to me – and my friends – to help him heal.

TBC

Part 7

I feel drained, but in a good way. My body feels tired, but my mind is surprisingly alert. I can’t believe I told Jack what happened back in Oulu, but I did, and now he knows the truth about me. I’m surprised he accepts it, and stays, and I’m grateful that he does. I couldn’t have dealt with more rejection.

Growing aware of a weight resting against my shoulder, I open my eyes, only to look at a sleeping Jack. Ah yes, he offered me his bed and I fell asleep due to pure exhaustion. Jack must have stayed as he’s curled protectively around me. His fingers move against the sensitive skin of my throat, and they do so even in sleep.

Drawing in a deep breath, I continue to stare at him. I feel privileged that I got to meet him. Jack’s a treasure, just like Antti said, and it seems that Jack has taken a liking to me. That he’s still here, and sleeping so close, hopefully indicates that he’s okay with me being gay. I’m not sure how I would have reacted had I been in his shoes. I might have panicked, after all, I have no idea how to interact with a gay person… The thinking makes my head hurt and I feel like I’m running in circles.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next – how Jack will act toward me now that he knows the truth. Hopefully he will still want me around. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Jack has come to mean a lot to me in a short time.

Raising my gaze, I see the setting sun behind Jack. He left the window open and didn’t draw the curtains. Another day passed by, but this was an important day for me. I came out of hiding – reluctantly, but I did. I told someone I’m gay.

“Hey… you’re awake.”

Jack’s voice takes me by surprise and I direct my gaze back toward him. “Only since a minute though.” Jack’s gaze is open and the expression in his blue eyes is remarkably soft. He doesn’t seem upset or disgusted by my admission so I’m hopeful that we can maintain our friendship. “I don’t know what to say,” I manage eventually. “I never wanted you to find out.”

Jack’s fingers move into my hair and I relax beneath his touch. I want to be touched – I desperately need the contact, but I can’t tell Jack that. I don’t want him to draw the wrong conclusion. You never know what he’ll think now that he knows that I’m gay.

“Juha, you don’t have to be scared around me. I accept you just the way you are. I’m the last person who has problems with you being gay, and the same goes for the band – and Antti, of course. We’re way more open-minded than your parents.”

I can’t stop staring at him. His words are a soothing balm to my hurt soul and I grow nervous under his touch. In a way, this is a rather intimate setting. We’re alone – in his bed – and he’s touching me. It’s a novel experience for me to be in such a setting with another man. “Thank you for accepting me… I wasn’t sure you would… I didn’t want to risk losing our…friendship.”

“I get that,” Jack says and sighs deeply. “But Juha, you would have suffocated if you had continued to lock yourself away like that. Now that the secret is out, you’re free, do you get that?”

I stare at him in shock. “No, it’s bad enough that you know I’m gay! Nobody else can! I don’t want anyone else to know!”

“Juha… Trust me, Eliaz, Illy, Spit, Antti and even Sammy won’t have problems with you being gay! Half of the music scene in Helsinki is gay!”

My eyes widen in surprise. “What did you say?”

“Take my best friend for example. Sir Christus, as he calls himself, has a boyfriend. Jonne, you probably know them, because their band is rather popular.”

I nod. I had heard of Negative of course. They’re a rising star in the firmament. “They’re gay?”

Jack nods. “They’re gay and Chris is my best friend. And Antti’s bi, so…”

“Antti is bi?” I have to repeat Jack’s statement because it sounds weird.

“He has a girlfriend at the moment. She’s bi too… They have an open relationship, meaning they can bring in other people. And I’m okay with that. See, there’s no reason for you to fear judgment.”

My head reels from the things Jack told me just now. “Such a thing is possible?”

“Sure, why not? As long as both partners agree to it and like things that way.”

Jack probably thinks I’m retarded, but my parents think of such relationships as unnatural. Their views rubbed off on me throughout the years, but I’ll never condemn anyone for living their life the way they want to. But it’s a lot to take in.

Jack raises his head and checks the time. “Are you hungry? It’s almost eight and I would like some dinner.”

Hungry? I blink. Am I hungry? I don’t really know. “Maybe I can manage a bite… not too much though.” I need to take my medication as well before I go to bed. I can’t forget about those pills.

“That’s great! Let’s raid my fridge!” Jack gets to his feet and pulls me along. He’s suddenly all hyper and I smile at him. It’s nice to see that at least someone possesses such energy!

Jack drags me along into the kitchen and I sit down on a chair. He raids the kitchen cabinets, checks the content of his fridge, and then turns toward me. “What?” I want to know upon seeing his puzzled look.

“Do you like pasta?” Jack wants to know.

I nod. “I like pasta…”

“That’s great, just great!” Jack explodes with energy and starts doing everything at once. He gets out pots and pans, boils water, gets out the pasta and… I grow dizzy just watching him.

“I can help,” I offer softly.

“No, it’s fine. You stay there…”

Maybe it’s better that way. I’m still a bit handicapped because of my bandaged hand. I settle for watching Jack and smile when he reaches for the radio and switches it on. It’s great to have someone like him around. Jack’s life itself and his energy baffles me. I used to be a lot like that, before…before my life changed.

“Alright… pasta’s boiling…sauce is on its way too…minced meat is also in the pan… I’m taking a break!” Jack announces and sits down.

I smile at him. “Smells nice.” It’s the truth.

“You look gorgeous when you smile.”

Jack’s compliment takes me aback and I blush to the roots of my hair. “Thank you,” I say eventually, deciding against arguing with Jack. I know that I’m not gorgeous. I look overly girly at best. My hair falls in front of my face and I hide behind it, but Jack moves closer and brushes the strands behind my ears. My heart beats a million beats per minute as I raise my gaze to look at him. He’s awfully close and his fingertips caress my scalp. What’s this about?

Jack smiles at me and then removes his hand. “I need to stir the sauce… I’ll be right back!” Jack gets to his feet and returns to the stove to take care of our meal. I feel confused. I like Jack touching me, but that’s a bad thing…or isn’t it? Jack doesn’t seem to mind being affectionate with me though.

“Done! We’re ready to eat!” Jack drains the pasta and fills two plates. He puts one in front of me and looks at me expectantly.

“I’ll eat some,” I say in order to reassure him. I don’t know how much I will manage, but I’ll eat some.

Jack’s pleased and twirls the spaghetti around his fork. He’s more talented than me, as my spaghetti ends up everywhere except for where it’s supposed to go. Stupid pills also mess up my coordination!

“Open up…”

Confused, I raise my gaze and see him move his fork in front of me. It’s got a whole load of spaghetti on it, and it looks like he expects me to eat it. Is he really intent on feeding me?

“I said, open up,” Jack repeats and grins. “I can’t let you starve!”

Eventually I comply and eat the pasta. Chewing, I study Jack. His face is all smiles and even his eyes are laughing. He’s so alive… so full of energy. Jack gives me a wink and I feel caught. I quickly avert my gaze and concentrate on the food. I manage a few more bites and avoid looking at Jack until he starts giggling. Feeling lost, I finally establish eye contact again. What’s up this time?

“You got some tomato sauce stuck there…” Jack raises a hand and points. I try removing it, but somehow I can’t find the right spot. “Let me…” Jack’s thumb brushes against my upper lip and I grow flustered. Jack’s touch stirs something inside me and I react to the caress, even if it’s not intended that way.

Jack seems to sense that something has happened and cocks his head. “Juha, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” I’m quick to say. It’s one thing that he accepts me being gay. Finding out that I’m attracted to him is something else and I don’t know if he will be so accepting once he finds out that I’m developing feelings for him.

Jack doesn’t question me further and for that I’m grateful. I concentrate on eating dinner and manage half of the food. I haven’t eaten that much in a long time. “I’m sorry, but I’m full.” Still, I avoid making eye contact.

“That’s fine. You ate more than I thought you would.” Jack moves the dirty dishes into the sink and then comes to stand next to me. Left without a choice, I raise my head and look at him. Jack extends his right hand, and I place my trembling limb into it. He pulls me to my feet and leads me into the living room. I feel confused and don’t know what to think of the situation I’m in. Jack’s a riddle.

“Make yourself comfortable on the couch. I’m just getting us something to drink!”

Jack leaves the room and I get a chance to sort out my thoughts. I hope my body will stop reacting to Jack’s presence. It embarrasses me that a mere touch arouses me like that. I sit down and look about. Princess is perched on the armrest of the chair opposite me and looks at me with her knowing eyes. I blush and then scold myself for reacting in that way. She’s just a cat! She doesn’t know what I’m thinking!

“It’s hot in here, don’t you think?” Jack’s back and opens the window so the evening breeze can get in. Yes, it’s a bit suffocating in here, but I doubt that’s due to the temperature. I feel like that because I don’t know what to do with these feelings coursing through me.

“Hey, what are you thinking about?”

Jack sits down next to me and I draw in a deep breath. I can’t really tell him how I feel about him. It’s too risky. “Everything… Nothing,” I say elusively.

Jack gives me a thoughtful look, but doesn’t question me further. He hands me a glass filled with orange juice and cocks his head, indicating I should drink it. “Yes, I know – lots of vitamins…” My comment makes him grin and he reaches for the remote control.

“See if you can find something entertaining,” Jack says and hands me the remote control.

I switch on the television and I’m grateful for the distraction. Hopefully it will take my mind off of Jack. I flip channels until I see something that interests me, but I’m not sure Jack wants to watch ice figure skating.

“It’s okay with me,” Jack says and grins at me. “If you like watching it, we will!”

That’s really sweet of him. I put the remote onto the coffee table and sip from my orange juice. Turning my attention toward the show, I admire the elegance and fluency of the skater’s moves. I’m not into sports, but I like to watch this stuff.

“Do you mind if I get comfortable?”

Jack’s question takes me aback and I give him a wondering look. “Of course not.” Why shouldn’t he make himself comfortable? Oh, why is he… Oh my… that’s… Jack lies down and rests his head on my thigh. His right hand settles beneath my leg and he uses it as a pillow. Now I understand why he asked me first. I should have known something was up.

“Now I am comfortable,” Jack says and cocks his head so he can look at me.

I’m telling myself that I’m okay with it. There’s nothing to it. There’s nothing intimate, or sensual about Jack resting his head in my lap. But whom am I kidding? I love the contact and without realizing I’m doing so, my fingers move into his black hair and start stroking it.

“Even better,” Jack purrs and rubs his cheek against my thigh.

That action makes my blush deepen further. “Jack…” I whisper and consider telling him that he’d better sit up before I grow arouse again.

“Yes?”

Oh, he’s purring… Jack’s purring like a big cat and my fingers still move through his hair. What’s happening? “You’d better…move…away… I’m…” I stutter, and then stop talking altogether. I can’t tell him that I like him in that way. I’ll lose him if I do.

~~~

Juha’s fighting himself again and I need to take action. I wanted to give him some time to come to terms with the fact that he told me he’s gay before shocking him again. But it’s obvious that I need to tell him that it’s okay for him to be attracted to me. I didn’t see it at first, but now it’s easy to read the curious desire in his eyes. “I like you too, Juha.” I’m not sure how to handle the situation, and I just try to make the best out of it.

Juha startles and sharply sucks in his breath. I shocked him just now – and I’m going to shock him again. “Juha, I’m bisexual.”

Juha’s eyes widen and he’s panting softly. Great Jack, I compliment myself, you handled that brilliantly. But then again, it isn’t really a common situation we’re in. I’m improvising so to speak. “And I like you too.”

Juha’s eyes reveal surprise, shock and disbelief. I don’t blame him. He probably never considered the possibility of meeting other gay, or bisexual people and he never took me as one of them. Should I feel flattered or insulted? It doesn’t really matter. My only goal is to put him at ease.

I move onto my back, but keep using his thigh as a pillow. I raise my arm, cup his cheek in the palm of my hand and caress his face with my thumb. “The attraction’s mutual. Don’t worry about it.”

“But…” Juha’s eyes move quickly in their sockets as he’s seriously stressed.

That was never my intention, but I have the feeling that there’s no way to break the news gently to Juha. Regardless of what words I chose, he would have been shocked nonetheless. “I’m surprised that you didn’t pick up on my interest before. It’s rather obvious,” but then again, Juha never learned to read such signs.

“But why me?”

Juha looks at me with big eyes and seems utterly helpless and vulnerable. I continue to caress his face and the fact that he’s allowing it, encourages me. “Because I love your smile, but you smile too seldom. I want to see you smile all the time. I want to take away the sadness in your eyes and I want them to sparkle again. I want to hold you, touch you and watch over you. Why do people fall in love? I don’t know the answer to that question, Juha. I only know that it happens and it happened to me…” How will he react to that?

“Jack, I…” Juha helplessly looks about. “I don’t get it.”

Where does that insecurity come from? “Juha, you once told me that you think you look too feminine and that people dislike you because of it. I don’t agree. You have spectacular eyes, lips that are made to be kissed and you have the softest skin I ever felt beneath my fingertips. You’re pretty, yes, but in a sensual way.”

Juha swallows hard and looks away. I can actually see his brain working through the things I just said and he’s probably searching for the lies. “It’s all true,” I add, not wanting him to doubt himself any longer. “You’re gorgeous.”

Juha bows his head and his red hair shields his face from my gaze, but I sweep the strands away and turn his head toward me. “Look at me.” I wait for him to finally meet my gaze and I draw in a deep breath. I hope I’m doing the right thing and saying the right words, because I really need to reach him. I have to change the way he thinks about himself. I know I can’t achieve such a change within minutes, but I want to set the process in motion.

Juha’s eyes have a pleading expression in them and I plunge ahead. “You’re a unique person and you happen to be gay. That doesn’t change your personality for the worse. You’re kind and helpful person and a great musician. Don’t cut yourself off from the things that mean so much to you. Enjoy making music! Go out and meet people, and if you’re interested in me, then I’d suggest we get to know each other better. I really want to know more about you. I want to see that light in your eyes all the time, and not just every now and then. I’ll walk that path with you if you’ll let me, because… Juha, it’s rather simple… I’m falling in love with you.” I hold my breath and await his reaction. The look he’s giving me speaks of utter bafflement.

“But Jack… I…”

I can tell he doesn’t know how to react to my rather passionate outburst. “You don’t have to say a thing…” I stroke his hair soothingly. “I understand that you need time to deal with everything.”

Juha blinks repeatedly and then something changes in his eyes – the expression changes, but I can’t identity the new emotion in his eyes. I hope something changed for the better. “I just want you to be happy.”

“Are you serious? Did you mean the things you said? You’re not acting out of pity? You’re really interested in *me*?”

How can he doubt that? “Juha, I’m interested in *you*. I didn’t say that out of pity. I’m not caressing your face because I feel sorry for you. I’m touching you because I want to touch you… I want to feel your skin beneath my fingertips.”

Juha blinks again, cocks his head and seems to think everything over. I want to know what’s going on in that head of his, but unfortunately, I can’t read his thoughts. “What are you thinking about?” I’m not sure though that he will tell me.

“I never expected any of this to happen. I never thought that anyone would want me in that way – a man, I mean, or that I would ever feel the same way about him. I dated a girl when I still lived in Oulu. I wanted to make my parents happy and I think she liked me a lot, but I never *felt* anything when I spent time with her.”

“How did your parents find out that you’re gay?” Now that he’s opening up, I want to use the opportunity to get more details out of him.

“My ‘girlfriend’ told them… She wondered why there was nothing happening between us and she had caught me staring at this boy at school. She was smart enough to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Maybe she wanted revenge, or to hurt me in turn, but she told my parents that she thought I was gay and when they called me on it…”

“You told them the truth…” That must have been painful for him. I sit up, look him in the eye and fold an arm around him. “At least you no longer had to hide the truth from them.”

“They kicked me out the same day…” Juha’s eyes fill with tears. “Mikko and Ray helped me pack my stuff and I crashed at Mikko’s place for some nights. I couldn’t stay there though… His place is already crowded as he lives there with his girlfriend and cats. We talked everything over and he helped me move to Helsinki and get that job.”

“And Mikko doesn’t mind you being gay?” I wipe away the tears spilling from his eyes. I don’t want him to cry – I want him to be happy instead!

“Mikko suspected it all along. And so did the rest of the band. They didn’t tell me that though until after I had been kicked out. Sometimes I think they knew before I did.”

“That’s often the case…” I draw in another deep breath and wonder where we stand. “Juha, I want a shot at this.”

Juha immediately turns shy. “I’d like that too, but… I don’t know how…or if…”

“Don’t worry. We’ll take everything nice and slow.” I place my hands at either side of his head and smile fondly at him. There’s a twinkle in his eyes, which I haven’t seen before. Juha’s smiling, and although shyly, he’s making eye contact. It makes me wonder how much of his depression is just a matter of being isolated. Maybe I should accompany Juha tomorrow when he meets with his therapist. Are those pills really necessary? I’ll find out.

~~~

I still can’t believe the things that happened just now. Jack told me that he’s bi and that he likes me – that he wants to date me. I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. I found someone who cares about me and… I care about Jack too. I’d love to deepen this friendship, but at the same time I’m also scared. I never had a real relationship before – not with a girl, nor with a man.

I know what to expect of course! I read magazines, watch television, have seen some adult movies and… but this is different. Now it’s personal. It’s me and Jack… Jack and me… It’s no longer just me.

Jack made himself comfortable again after we talked and his head rests in his lap once more. Although I still feel shy about doing so, I stroke his hair and massage his scalp every so often. Jack seems to enjoy it, as he purrs occasionally. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next. I would like to kiss Jack, but I’d never take the initiative as I don’t want to force Jack into anything. I’ll wait for him to make the first step.

“Hey, your program’s ended.”

What program? Ah, the ice figure skating. I stopped paying attention to it after our talk and stared at Jack instead.

“Juha, what’s the time?” Jack turns onto his back and stretches in a catlike manner.

I look at the clock and am surprised to find that’s midnight already. “Midnight… I should turn in for the night. I have to get up early. My appointment is at nine.”

Jack’s features contort. “That means we have to get up at…?”

He doesn’t know where my therapist is located. “Getting there on foot takes thirty minutes… By bus about twenty,” I inform Jack. “You don’t have to accompany me though.” I frown, realizing that it is Jack’s intention to join me.

“No, I want to tag along, if that’s okay with you.”

I nod and give in. It would be nice to have someone at my side.

“And we’ll use my car to get there. That buys us a little more time and we don’t have to get up until eight,” Jack smiles cockily.

I smile shyly and then plunge ahead. “Does that mean you don’t need an hour in the bathroom in the morning?” I don’t know if he likes being teased, or understands my kind of humor and hold my breath.

Jack bursts out into laughter and shakes his head. “You might not believe it, but I only need ten minutes.” Smiling radiantly, Jack moves closer. “You do realize that this means I’ll tease you back, right?”

“I don’t mind… It’s great to have someone to tease…and someone who gives as good as he gets…” Jack’s close again and I would love to brush his lips with mine, but I don’t. I’m way too shy for that. “I should go home and sleep.”

“Why go to a lonely bed when you can be in mine?” Jack quips and wiggles an eyebrow.

I avert my gaze at once. “Do you mean I can stay the night?”

“I thought that was rather obvious. I want to hold you, if I may.”

Slowly, I nod. “I want that too.”

Jack gets to his feet, takes my hand into his and pulls me to his feet. For the first time in weeks I don’t feel dizzy or depressed, and all that because there’s someone who cares so much about me that he wants to hold me through the night.

TBC

Part 8

It’s odd, but I’m not tired at all. Maybe it’s because I’m right where I want to be – in Jack’s arms. We went to bed an hour ago and Jack fell asleep almost instantly. I can’t stop looking at him though and have been awake all the time. We kept our shirts on, as I feel uncomfortable revealing much naked skin, but it’s nice to feel Jack’s fingertips brush against my arms. Jack fell asleep facing me, and he pulled me into a tight hug before he closed his eyes. My head rests next to his and I watch Jack draw in breath and then he lets it go again. There’s some rapid eye movement going on beneath his eyelids and I would love to know what he’s dreaming about.

Jack’s bi and he likes me. I’m in his arms and he’s okay with the fact that I’m gay. Well, of course he is, considering he’s bi, but still… It was a gigantic leap of faith for me, telling him. I still find it hard to believe that everything worked out so well. Who would have thought that Jack felt the same way about me?

At the moment, I feel tingly all over and I want to be even closer to him. It’s like I’m growing addicted to him and can’t get enough of him. I would love to kiss him, but I can’t do that, especially since he’s asleep and can’t tell me off. Instead, I raise my hand and brush his lips with my fingertips. I’m amazed how soft they feel.

Suddenly Jack opens his eyes and looks at me. I feel busted and blush. “Sorry…” What else am I supposed to say? I can’t tell him that my feelings are all over the place and that I feel like I’m going insane.

“Don’t be sorry… It’s nice to feel your touch…” Jack smiles and moves closer. “What do you want, Juha?”

“What do I want?” I want so much! I want Jack – I want to kiss him and feel his arms wrapped around me. I want to feel whole again and I want to know what’s like to have a lover. I’m too shy to tell him though.

“You’re hungry,” Jack says eventually. “It’s normal…”

Hungry? No, I’m not hungry at all, so what is Jack talking a -- Oh… Soft lips press against mine and, as his move surprises me, I moan. Is this really happening, or is it just a sweet dream? But no, it’s happening alright. Jack’s hands move across my back and he’s pulling me closer still. He deepens the kiss and I quickly grow breathless. My nerve endings sizzle and I’m afraid that this fire will consume me. I don’t want the kiss to stop though and press my body against Jack’s. Maybe he’s right – maybe I *am* hungry.

“Hey, slow down..” Jack’s panting and smiles. “We’ve got time.”

I know he’s right, but still… I want more!

“Juha, I understand that you’re new to this and your body’s reacting to my presence… But we shouldn’t rush this. Trust me in this matter, please.”

“I know that, but… I never felt like this before and… I feel like I’m about to fall and what if there’s no one there to catch me?”

“I’ll catch you, Juha. I always will.”

Jack presses another kiss onto my lips and my first reaction is to deepen the kiss, but then I change my mind. Jack’s right. We need to take this slow. Buried beneath my passion lies fear and I know that if we move too fast, I’ll shut down. I have to trust Jack to make the right decisions for now.

“Try to sleep, Juha.”

Jack’s voice has a soothing effect on me and I close my eyes. “I like the way you hold me,” I whisper as I start to drift off into sleep.

“I like the way you feel in my arms,” Jack whispers in turn and places another kiss onto my lips. I can easily get used to being kissed like that!

~~~

“Hum, Jack… I really like you kissing me, but… Is that your tongue, or…?” Confused, I open my eyes, only to find that it’s not Jack kissing me, but Princess licking at my nose. “Stop doing that! It tickles!” Not just that, her tongue is wet and her antics make me chuckle. I move her away from my face and she settles against my neck. Great, now I can’t move because she’s lying on my hair! I’m not annoyed though – I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed upon waking up!

I look at the time on the alarm clock. It’s ten minutes to eight. The alarm will sound shortly and I want to make the most of my time. Raising my hand, I touch Jack’s face and trace the outline of his bottom lip with my thumb. I don’t know why it’s so easy to touch him all of a sudden. Maybe it’s because I know that the attraction is mutual. “Princess, would you move please?” I move my head until she gets the hint and jumps of the bed, freeing me.

Now that my freedom has been restored to me, I raise my head and study Jack some more. He looks relaxed in sleep. Looking closer, I see remnants of eye liner on his face. I wonder if he really only needs ten minutes in the bathroom.

“Are you going to just look at me, or are you going to kiss me too?”

My first reaction is to move away from Jack, as I feel caught, but then I wonder why I should do that. Jack just told me himself that he wants to be kissed. “How long have you been awake?”

“Not long…” Jack opens an eye. “Well, how about that kiss?”

Although I still feel awfully shy, I inch toward him and claim his lips in a gentle kiss. I don’t know where I find the courage to do so, but I continue to look into his eyes while kissing him. Normally I’d look away.

“Nice…” Jack purrs and pulls me atop of him.

I’m not quite sure what to do now that I’m atop of him, but then Jack cradles me in his arms and I rest my upper body against his chest. It feels good to be held like this.

“You can wake me like that each morning, Juha.”

I want to wake up like this each morning too. Lifting my head, I look into his eyes – they’re filled with warmth. “It’s time to get up.”

“Not yet.” Jack looks at the alarm clock and grins. “We got five more minutes. That means I get to hold you like this for five more minutes at the least!”

The passion with which he says those words makes me feel cherished and I rest my head against his shoulder. I don’t feel like talking. I just want to hold Jack and be held in turn.

~~~

“See? I told you I’m fast! I stayed under ten minutes!” Jack grins proudly.

It’s true. It only took him nine minutes to wash up, get his hair done and apply some make-up. I had expected him to need much longer in the bathroom.

“Bathroom’s all yours now! I’ll get the coffee started!” Jack leaves the bathroom and I remain behind alone.

I put my clothes aside, wash my face and brush my hair. It’s really odd to start my morning this way. Normally I stay in bed as long as I can, not because I’m tired, but because I’m too listless to tackle something. And now I’m standing here at ten past eight and I’m actually humming a melody.

Looking at my reflection, I notice the difference to my eyes. The last time I studied myself in the mirror I was disgusted by what I saw. This time around, I’m comfortable with the person staring back at me. This person is loved, wanted, and cherished. He’s no longer alone.

“Juha, how do you want your eggs?”

I chuckle. I’m no fan of eggs in the morning. “Just toast for me, please!”

Things change so fast that it’s hard for me to keep up with them. I was alone, now I have a boyfriend – if I may call Jack that, but I got the feeling he would be ecstatic to be called that. I no longer feel so depressed, I’ve got new energy and I feel like I’m ready to tackle the day. How odd is that?

I get dressed, tie my hair back and then join Jack in the kitchen. He’s singing along with the radio and the happy expression in his eyes tells me that he loves having me near.

“Sit! Toast is ready…. Now!” At that moment the toast pops out. Jack puts it onto a plate and places it in front of me. “Coffee or tea? You’ll get orange juice at any rate…”

“Vitamins,” I say jokingly and grin back at him. I feel happy and can’t stop smiling at him. Am I in love? Is this the way being in love feels? If it is, then I don’t want the feeling to go away again.

“Yes! Vitamins!”

Jack deposits another kiss on my lips and collects the coffee and tea he made. “Tea, please,” I tell him, deciding against caffeine first thing in the morning. He pours the tea into a cup and I blow onto the surface in order to cool it down. Jack sits next to me and collects my bandaged hand in his. After removing the bandages, he examines the injury – which is as good as gone – and decides against bandaging it. The wound has long closed, and although the skin is still sensitive, it’s healing nicely.

“We’ve got ten minutes for breakfast and then we’ve got to go.”

“I can eat breakfast in five,” I tell him and realize I’m still smiling madly at him. “Jack?” I claim his hand, wrap my fingers around his limb and stare into his eyes.

“What, Juha?” Jacks smiles back.

“I think I’m in love for the first time in my life.”

“That’s great! I’m in love with you too!” Jack says.

I continue to stare at him, and almost forget about drinking my tea – and juice – and eating my toast. It’s only because Jack reminds me that I finish breakfast. I feel full merely looking at him.

In the end, Jack puts an end to our flirting because it’s time to leave. I would have loved to stay at the kitchen table and look at him forever, but real life demands our attention and after slipping into our boots, we leave the apartment and head for the therapist’s office.

~~~

I can barely believe the change that has come over Juha. When we met, only a few days ago, he was depressed, pale, and hiding and now…

We’re in the waiting room and Juha’s sitting next to me. His eyes sparkle, there’s a healthy blush on his face and he’s giving me a million watt smile. I wonder what his therapist is going to say about that.

“Juha Kylmänen!”

“It’s my turn…” Juha says and gets to his feet. “If you get bored of waiting, I’ll understand and take the bus home.”

“No, I’ll be here. Now give me a kiss before you have to go.” Juha quickly looks about to find out if we’re being watched. Once he notices that we’re alone, he gives me a quick peck on the cheek and marches into the therapist’s office.

What do I do while I’m waiting for Juha to join me again? His session can take up to one hour and I don’t have anything to occupy me. I uncover my phone, check my messages and send my band mates and Antti some replies.

Once I’m done, I take hold of a magazine and look through it. Getting bored again, I get to my feet and start pacing the area. A quick look at the display of my phone tells me that I managed to kill thirty minutes. Now what do I do during the other thirty?

Sitting down again, I start tapping my feet on the floor. I wish I had a guitar with me, because I feel inspired. Melodies rise in my mind and I quickly write them down. That way, I manage to pass another twenty minutes. I’m not expecting Juha to return for another ten, when the door suddenly opens and Juha walks toward me. He’s smiling, but there’s also a thoughtful expression on his face. “Hey, are you done?”

“Almost… She’s wants a word with you too.”

“She?” I thought Juha’s therapist was male.

“Something strange happened. Apparently my former therapist no longer works here and his patients were re-assigned.”

I frown a bit at that – strange story indeed. I take Juha’s hand in mine and follow him into the office. Seated behind a large wooden desk is an elderly lady. She has grey hair and a black frame with thick glasses which precariously balances on the bridge of her nose. I reckon she’s at least fifty and wonder if she’s the right therapist for Juha.

“You must be Jack! Juha told me about you!” She rises from behind her desk and offers me her hand, which I shake. “I’m Juha’s new therapist and I would like a word with you, young man.”

Hum, am I in trouble? She reminds me of my grandmother, who was always very strict with me. I loved my grandmother, while she was still alive, but I’m not sure I like this woman. “I’m Jack alright.”

“Sit down for a moment, and you too, Juha!”

We comply and sit down. I refuse to let go of Juha’s hand though and squeeze his fingers comfortingly. Juha doesn’t seem worried, but there is an odd look on his face. ”What’s this about?”

“Juha told me that you’re his boyfriend, is that correct?”

I feel proud and my chest expands. “Yes, I am, do you have a problem with that?”

She chuckles. “I’m not the enemy, young man. I’m fine with the two of you being together!”

“Then why am I here?” I look at her questioningly. I don’t get it.

“Juha’s original therapist made the decision to put him on rather…heavy… medication,” she says in a pondering voice. “I’ve decided to stop that treatment. I don’t want him to take those pills anymore.”

“That’s fine with me. He doesn’t need that chemical crap anyways.” Oops, did I really say that?

“And why is that?” she asks in an interested voice.

I shrug. “Maybe I spoke too quickly. I do that a lot, you know.”

“No, seriously, I want to know why you think he doesn’t need the medication,” she says, remaining adamant.

I cast a quick look at Juha and find that he’s eyeing me closely. “Alright, just remember you asked! These pills mess him up. He’s tired all the time, his coordination is gone and I don’t think they’re helping!”

“Medication like this needs time to show effect,” she says, but then inclines her head. “But there’s more… What else did you want to say just now?”

“Juha strikes me as someone who doesn’t do well on his own, and I believe that now that he has me, and my friends, he will feel less depressed!” I nod repeatedly. “I really believe that! Look at him!”

Juha blushes, but there’s also a naughty look in his eyes. “I realize that you haven’t seen him before – You don’t know the way he was before, but he looks happy now, doesn’t he?” Why the hell am I defending Juha like that? Is there a reason *why* he needs defending?

The lady gives me a smile and nods as well. “And that’s why I’m stopping the medication. I want the chemicals to leave his body and assess his situation again. Don’t misunderstand – I still believe Juha needs therapy, but for different reasons. He needs to become more assertive and feel more comfortable with himself. That’s why I want you,” she says and looks at Juha, “to come in three times a week. I want to talk to you regularly.”

“Three times a week?” I echo her words, but then smile. “And no more pills?”

“No more pills. I don’t think he needed them in the first place. Our…former…colleague who was treating Juha was a bit…easy… prescribing them,” she says and gets to her feet. “Please make a new appointment for the day after tomorrow, Juha. I’ll see you on Wednesday.”

I rise from my chair and Juha follows me as we make our way out of the office. Once we’re standing in front of the assistant’s desk, I rub his fingers between mine. “It’s a good thing, don’t you think? That you no longer have to take those pills?”

Juha nods. “I’ve been forgetting taking them at any rate,” he says in an embarrassed voice.

“I think she made the right call. You don’t need these chemicals. You need to talk about what happened in Oulu and you need to enjoy being alive again.” I’ll make sure that he’s done hiding in his apartment, or behind his hair. “I’ll show you Helsinki… It really is a great city.” But not today. Today I want Juha to rest, eat, and drink as much water as he can to purge his body from this chemical crap.

~~~

I don’t drive straight back home. I want him to feel the rays of the sun on his skin and to get some fresh air into his lungs.

“Where are we going, Jack?”

“There’s this little park… I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.” I park the car, get out and open the door for him. He giggles at that and I take his hand in mine. We enter the park and I guide him to my favorite spot, which is a bit secluded and shelters us from the public.

I sit down on the grass and pull him down beside me. Juha complies and sits next to me. After folding an arm around him, I pull him close and rest my head against his shoulder.

“I like it here,” Juha says as he looks about the place.

“I like it here too,” I add and rub my cheek affectionately against his shoulder. “Juha, about the talk we had in the office earlier…”

“What about it?”

“I really think that the pills messed you up and that talking is way better for you. I don’t know how comfortable you are talking to her about what happened with your parents, and I want you to know that you can always talk to me too.”

“That’s nice of you to offer.”

“I want this to work and for it to work, we need to trust each other…” I rub his back in circles and sigh contently. “I could stay like this forever.”

“In that case, you’d like Oulu too. Once you get away from the city, you’re surrounded by a beautiful landscape.”

Juha flinches against me. I bet he’s homesick. It’s time to distract him. “What do you want to do today? I don’t need to be anywhere and we don’t have another rehearsal until Wednesday… We have a gig on Thursday and we need to be sharp then!” Juha closes his eyes and a deep frown appears on his brown.”What are you thinking about?”

“Mikko…the band…my music…” Juha opens his eyes again and looks at me.

“What about them? What are your plans? You’re not giving up, are you?” I give him a stern look. “Music means the world to you! I know that because it’s the same way for me!”

Juha shrugs and sighs distressed. “It might be difficult to continue the band with them being in Oulu and me in Helsinki.”

“That’s why they invented computers, phones and all kind of technical stuff. You can compose here and send them your stuff. Band practice might be difficult to organize, but if you really want to do this, you’ll find a way!” Juha doesn’t seem convinced, but I’ll continue to nag until he sees things my way. “You’ve got a great voice and you write amazing songs. Juha, you can’t give up. Give your band mates a call one of these days. Ask them, or Mikko at least, to visit and talk to them about your plans. You can’t give up, damn it!”

Juha gives me a look that speaks of hope and doubt and seeing it, makes me continue. “The music is in your blood too! You can’t deny it. Juha… You’ll never forgive yourself if you give up on your dream now!”

“Maybe you’re right…but I need time, Japa…time to sort out everything.”

“You called me Japa… I like it…” I reward him with a kiss, straight onto his lips. My action takes him by surprise, as he loses his balance and ends up on his back in the grass. I don’t mind one bit. This position makes for even better kissing. Lying down next to him, I pull Juha into my arms and kiss him again.

TBC

Part 9

Juha’s hand is still cradled within mine by the time we get home. We ride the elevator to our floor, and when we get out, I get one hell of a surprise. Chris is sitting on my doorstep with his back leaning against the wall. “What the hell are you doing here?” Yes, Chris had told me to expect him, but I hadn’t thought he would visit so quickly!

Chris looks at me, cocks his head and give me the middle finger. “Fuck you too, Japa!”

I burst out into laughter, but Juha tenses against me. He doesn’t know that this kind of talk is normal for Chris and me. “Relax,” I whisper into Juha’s ear. “Chris is a good friend. I told you about him and Jonne, remember?” He nods, but remains tense at any rate. I understand why – he needs time to adjust to the situation.

“I’ll see you later –maybe?” Juha says, moves out of my arm and heads for his apartment.

I understand why he prefers to go to his place, but I would have loved to keep him close. I let him go for now, as I want to talk to Chris in private. Later, I’ll make sure the two of them get to know each other better. “See you later…” I press a kiss onto Juha’s lips and pretend not seeing his nervousness. I refuse to stop kissing him though just because Chris is around!

Juha vanishes into his apartment and I turn toward my best friend, who’s grinning like mad at me. “And now… What are you doing here? And at such an early hour!” I unlock the door and let us in. Chris follows me into the kitchen, where he sits down on the table – not on a chair – not Sir Christus…

“Jonne threw me out – has this special thing going on with Ville… Something about brothers spending time together… I have no idea…” Chris grins and points toward the fridge. “Do you have any beer around?”

“Chris, it’s eleven AM!”

“So? I don’t care… Do you have any?”

“No!” I give him the evil look. “You can have coffee though.”

“You don’t have alcohol in the house?” Chris’ eyes widen in disbelief.

“You might not believe it, but I had other things on my mind lately than alcohol!” I know that Chris doesn’t mean it that way—it’s just the way he is. “Here, have some coffee and sober up.”

“I’m sober,” he says with a sly look.

“I believe you.” Yes, Chris is sober. I know what he’s like when he’s drunk.

Chris takes hold of the coffee, gives it a disgusted sniff, but sips anyway. “So what’s this all about? That was Juha just now in the corridor, or not?”

“That was Juha alright.” I straddle a chair and sit down as well. “I’m in love, Chris. Utterly and madly in love – like never before.”

Chris raises an eyebrow. “Are you telling me that you’re more in love with the redhead than you were with me?”

Chuckling, I pat Chris’ arm. “Poor little you…”

“Humpf…” Insulted, Chris glares.

“Can you be serious for a moment?” I look pleadingly at Chris.

“Sure, I can.” Chris sips again. “So your sweetheart has problems?”

“Sort of. These idiot parents of his told him that being gay equals being evil. I can’t believe parents would do that to their own son. I mean, they kicked him out when they discovered he’s gay! On the same fucking day!”

“Sometimes people are idiots, yes… Unfortunately there’s little you can do about it.”

Nodding my head, I’m grateful that Chris is being serious for a change. “He’s new to the game, Chris… And he’s hungry… You know what I mean.”

“Go slowly or you might scare him off.” Chris sips again from his coffee. “And keep him close.”

“I would love for the three of us to have dinner together later… Maybe we can hit town and do some shopping? I want Juha to be outside, not locking himself away!”

“Sounds like a good plan… And why do you need me? You seem to have everything under control.”

“I need your passion, Chris. Juha wants to give up on his music and I can’t convince him to give it a chance. We need to find a way to make him see that he’ll never forgive himself if he gives up now!”

Chris removes a cigarette from the package, lights it and offers me one too. “Damn, I forgot about smoking…” I really did… How can you forget about an addiction? Maybe because another has taken its place and Juha’s my new drug?

“How can you forget about smoking?” Chris asks and exhales the smoke. “I get the shakes when I don’t smoke.”

“I was too busy to get the shakes,” I reply and grin. “So do you have any ideas about changing Juha’s mind?”

“He’s a musician – a vocalist, and trust me, I’ve got enough experience with Jonne to know how their minds work,” Chris says and finishes his smoke. “Singers are a stubborn breed and, sometimes, you need to force them into the right direction. I’ve got an idea alright… Shall we collect Juha and get going?”

“And you’re not going to tell me?”

“Just let me surprise you,” Chris says and finishes his coffee. He gets to his feet and walks toward the doorway. “Well, are you coming along?”

I have no idea what Chris is up to, and in a way, that frightens me. Chris *is* unpredictable, but I also know that he’ll never do anything to hurt me, or my friends. I run after him and hope Juha will play along.

~~~

My fingers caress the strings of my acoustic guitar as I remember playing my very first notes so many years ago. Jarmo taught me… These days he no longer wants anything to do with me.

I place the instrument aside as it opens wounds that haven’t healed yet. I rise from the couch and walk over to the window. It feels strange, being back in my apartment, which is fully decorated and ready to be my home. But home is one door further down the hallway – the door leading into Jack’s apartment and not mine.

And now his best friend, Sir Christus, has shown up. Where does that leave me? I don’t feel jealous – not really – it’s more like abandoned. I got used to having Jack around.

Turning away from the window, I wonder what to do. I need to distract myself or else my thoughts will keep running in circles. And they will move around Jack all day. The place is already cleaned, thanks to Jack and Antti, so cleaning is out of the order. What else can I do?

My gaze shifts back to my guitar and I bite onto my bottom lip. Jack’s right – the music is in my blood. Sometimes, when I go to bed, I toss and turn all night because melodies keep running through my head and won’t leave me alone until I get up and write them down. But do I still want music to be a part of my life? Can I continue with Reflexion? Do I want to?

I turn to a very old habit in order to deal with the stress I’m putting myself in. I bite my fingernails and frown. Should I follow this need to make music, or should I ignore it? Can I live that way? Do I want to?

“Juha! We know you’re in there! Open the door!”

Hearing Jack’s voice makes me blink. Why is he calling out like that? Doesn’t my doorbell work any longer? Oh, he *is* pressing the doorbell – I hear it now.

I open the door and find that Jack isn’t alone. His friend’s with him. I manage a weak “Hei,” and then let my hair fall in front of my face. The movement has become second nature and I spy at them from behind the red strands. Jack looks troubled, but Chris is grinning at me. “Is there anything you want from me?”

“Yes, we want you to come along,” Chris says and sizes me up. I’m not sure what to think of him.

“We want to show you the city,” Jack adds in a hopeful voice.

“But we only just got home.” Why do they want to leave again?

“Are you too tired to do some sightseeing?” Jack wants to know.

I’m not really tired, which amazes me, but I’m not sure I want to spend the day in Chris’ company. I don’t know the guy at all. I only know that he’s a guitar player and that he is… Oh yes, gay, and that he has a boyfriend called Jonne.

“You didn’t answer the question.” Chris cocks his head questioningly.

“I’m not tired, but I should stay at home…” I avert my gaze as I feel shy. Chris is gay too… He has a boyfriend… I’m curious about him, but at the same time, I’m not sure I want to find out what he’s like. My parents’ lectures still stick with me.

“You’re coming along, and that’s it. You’re just being difficult like Jonne, but I know how to deal with that.”

Chris takes hold of my hand and simply pulls me along. “Jack? What’s this about? Help me?”

“Sorry, but I think Chris is right. You need to see the city and have some fun!”

Jack smiles reassuringly at me, and falls into step with me, but I’m not convinced. “Can’t you make him let go?”

“Chris, it’s okay… He’s coming along with us!” Jack says and Chris releases me from his hold.

We’ve reached the elevator and once we leave the building, Jack’s arm is in place around my waist again. “Japa, what is this about?”

“To be honest with you – I have no idea,” Jack says and smirks.

~~~

“Karaoke Bar Jone’s?” I stare at Jack in wonder and then turn around to look at Chris who is having a great time just watching the entrance of the place.

Jack seems equally mystified. “Chris, what the hell are we doing here?”

“We’re going to have fun! And drink beer, of course!” Chris opens the door and goes inside.

I exchange a look with Jack. “We can make a run for it. He won’t notice.”

“Oh no, you’re not going anywhere,” Chris says and peeks outside. “Both of you, inside… Now!”

Neither Jack, nor I, dare to object and Chris drags us inside, pulling us along at our wrists. I can’t believe I’m really in here. What are Chris’ plans for us?

“Beer!” Chris says and places three glasses onto our table. “Kippis!”

I push my glass away from me. I’m not taking those pills anymore, but I don’t want to drink alcohol yet. “Not for me.” Chris gives me an indignant look and I quickly look away.

“He was on medication until yesterday,” Jack explains. “And you know better than anyone that alcohol and pills don’t mix!”

“He does?” I blink and wonder why that is.

“Fell of a stage once,” Chris says. “Nearly broke my back and neck. I’ve been on pain killers ever since – off and on.”

Jack sips from his beer and looks about. I slip my hand into his and move closer to him. “Can we leave now that he’s had his beer?”

“No!” Chris says and shakes his head. “We haven’t had any fun yet!” He empties the glass and walks toward the person in charge of the karaoke installation.

“Fun? Jack, I’m getting a bit scared here.” What exactly is Chris’ idea of having fun?

“Relax. You’re among friends, Juha.”

Jack leans in closer and kisses me. His hand settles at the nape of my neck and I actually relax beneath the kiss. I wrap my arms around him and press against Jack. This is nice – this is fun!

“Hey, stop the lip lock! You, here’s a mic, now get up there!”

Chris is back and creating more havoc. Suddenly I find myself upon an improvised stage with a microphone in my hand. Before I can stop myself a “What the fuck?” escapes me.

“Ah, that’s more like it!” Chris seems to approve of my cursing!

“Jack, help?” I say in a tiny voice.

Jack shakes his head and wags a finger at Chris. “You silly sod…” He then climbs the stage as well. “So what did you pick, Chris?”

I recognize the first notes when they echo through the bar. I can’t believe Chris is doing this to us! “Jack, we’d better leave – now!”

“Forget about it. I know Chris… He won’t let us go until he’s satisfied!” Jack’s eyes narrow in recognition of the song. “Chris, you bastard! I’ll get back at you for this!”

“You can try!” Chris calls out and grabs another beer, which he starts emptying as well. “Juha, you’re Tarja…uh, Christine! I knew having to watch that movie with Jonne was going to pay off in some way!”

Nightwish’s version of The Phantom of the Opera echoes through the room and I sigh deeply. I can’t do this! I won’t do it! It’s ridiculous!

“Juha, relax… The idea is to have fun. No one expects you to sing the song perfectly. You remember Antti and me goofing about, don’t you? Chris is right, you know. Life isn’t serious all the time. Sometimes you need to have fun…”

I blink at Jack and finally understand what he’s trying to tell me. “You’re saying…”

“That we need to have some fun too… Come on, that’s your part…Christine.”

He winks at me and I blush. Damn, I wish I would stop doing that! “It would have been easier if he had picked Iron Maiden’s version of that song!”

“We can do that one later!” Chris calls out and lifts his glass. “Now entertain me!”

I waver for another moment. I realize that I’ve reached some crossroads. I see the paths clearly in front of me. I can remain all negative and pessimistic, give up on my music and probably be unhappy for the rest of my life. Or I can take up the challenge Chris set me and enjoy music again, even if it means singing The Phantom of the Opera. What am I afraid of? To make a fool of myself? To have fun? When did I have fun the last time – not counting kissing Jack? Fun related to music? To performing.

Jack’s voice suddenly pulls me from my thoughts as he’s singing the Phantom’s part. He doesn’t do a very good job, but doesn’t seem to mind. He makes a big show out of his part and pulls me into his arms. I finally get what this is about. Chris is right – music is… fun…inspiration… a calling… it’s my life and I almost let my parents take it away from me. No damn it, music is in my blood… in my soul and it’s mine! I’ll never give up… It’s mine… and I burst out into song.

~~~

I stare at Juha in surprise. He’s singing… He’s actually singing Christine’s part. I didn’t think he would. Juha’s always so serious and burdened by life that I didn’t think he would see the fun in singing karaoke stuff. But he proves me wrong. Damn it, his voice is awesome and entranced, I listen to him and almost forget about my own part when my time to sing comes. I smile apologetically at him and start singing.

I sound horrible, I know that. My voice isn’t suited for the part, but who cares? We’re having fun! I actually get gooseflesh when we sing together and I can’t take my eyes off of Juha. I pull him into my arms, and we forget about the song and kiss instead.

From his chair, Chris starts applauding, but we ignore him and deepen the kiss. I don’t know what happened just now, but Juha seems transformed. His eyes burn, his lips tremble with passion and he’s still singing… “I love you,” I whisper into his ear and listen to him sing.

We don’t finish the song – it served its purpose and we leave the little stage. Once we join Chris at his table, I have a happily smiling Juha in my arms. The way he’s smiling at me makes me weak in the knees and I quickly sit down. “Chris, you’re so going to pay for making us do that!”

“You had fun though, although it took you a while to understand why I sent you up there,” Chris says, addressing Juha. He seems remarkably serious and sober when he says that and I narrow my eyes. I’ve known Chris for some time now, but I never managed to figure him out.

“Do we get some revenge?” Juha asks and sweeps back his long hair.

I blink in surprise. Juha willingly sweeps back his hair? Let’s Chris see his face? Isn’t hiding behind that red curtain of his?

Chris nods. “Sure, do your worst. The songs are listed over there.” He doesn’t seem concerned and leans back in his chair, sipping from his beer again.

Juha gets to his feet and walks over to the song listing. He grins diabolically, walks over to the person in charge of the music and then turns around to grin at Chris. “Your turn, Sir Christus.”

I almost feel sorry for Chris, but he brought this on himself!

Chris takes it in stride and makes his way over to the stage. He grabs hold of the microphone and uncovers his glasses so he can read the text on the prompter. “Chris, those glasses have to go!”

“After I sing the fucking song!” Chris waits for the music to starts and in the meanwhile, orders another beer, which a waitress promptly delivers. Sipping repeatedly, his eyes widen as the song starts playing. “How did you know that…?” Chris stares at Juha in disbelief.

Juha gives me a puzzled look and once I recognize the song I chuckle. It’s “My heart will go on” from Celine Dion. “Juha, Jonne’s favorite movie is Titanic and he makes Chris watch it too! Chris hates that fucking movie – and song,” I add quickly.

Juha’s smile blinds me. I never saw him looking so radiant before and I wonder if this is the real Juha. I hope so, for I love that wicked expression in his eyes.

Chris does his best – I’ll grant him that, but my ears hurt once he ends the song. “I think I’m deaf,” I whisper into Juha’s ear. “You punished my ears too.”

Juha smirks contently as he sips from the coke which he ordered. “This *is* fun! We should take Antti and Spit here some time and then sing together!”

Did he really suggest that? “Damn it, Chris, you corrupted him!” Chris however merely chuckles and drinks his beer.

“Mission accomplished,” Chris says and grins conspiratorially.

~~~

By the time we get home it’s close to midnight. We dropped Chris off at the train station: Jack offered Chris his couch, but Chris was determined to go home so he could be with Jonne. We talked a lot after we left that bar and it turned that Chris is really a nice guy – something I wouldn’t have believed at first.

I’m still chuckling when Jack unlocks the door to his apartment. This was the best night of my life. I never had such fun before – not even with Mikko and the rest of the band. I love Ilkka, Juhani, Ray and Mikko dearly, but no evening we ever spent together compares to what happened tonight. I feel reborn in more ways than one.

I feel drunk on emotions. I didn’t have any alcohol for obvious reasons, but Jack’s presence, his kisses, and the fun we had tonight intoxicate me like vodka would. I’m burning, my body feels tingly and I half-dance, half stumble into the apartment.

Jack follows me into the living room and collapses next to me on the couch. “I had the best evening of my life tonight…” I force myself to calm down, but it’s hard. I haven’t felt so alive for a long time. I turn, move toward Jack and rest my hand against his cheek. “I like Chris. He’s strange, but… I like him.”

“He likes you too.”

Jack moves his head in such a way that his cheek rubs against the palm of my hand and I look into his eyes. “I want to kiss you, can I?”

“You don’t need to ask… Just kiss me, Juha…”

I lean in closer and press my lips against his. This time the tip of his tongue nudges against my teeth and, catching on, I part them to let him in. Sighing, I press closer against him and lure his tongue deeper into my mouth. Seeking out his tongue with mine I caress it and try to deepen the kiss even further – if such a thing is possible. I grow hard, start panting and stare at Jack with big, needful eyes. “Jack, I…”