In dark places part 27

Franklin

"Incoming message," the computer announces and breaks the silence in the office.

"Not now!" I moan displeased. "I'm only halfway through doing this infernal load of paperwork!" Rubbing my brow I glance at the origin of the call and forget about the paperwork seeing the sender is Delenn. She left the station to return to Minbar to settle internal affairs, I know that much. Curious, I accept the call.

As her face appears on screen I briefly shiver seeing the look on her face. She looks tired. Dark circles are starting to show underneath her eyes and only confirm my suspicion something is wrong. "Delenn?" I start, giving her a chance to explain her reasons for calling me.

"Doctor Franklin?"

Her voice sounds nervous and I notice the discomfort in her eyes. "I didn't expect your call," I admit. "Aren't you on Minbar?" It's extraordinary she would contact me across this distance. Hell, Delenn contacting me personally at all qualifies as odd, period!

"I need to talk to you," she says in a determined voice. "I only recently learned that Marcus is still alive and because you demonstrated an interest in..."

I interrupt her, as I can't control my relief. "Marcus is alive? That's good to hear." I've considered Marcus a friend for a long time and I was worried when Delenn couldn't assure me he was still alive. I understand there is a lot of danger involved being a ranger, but Delenn should know where her men are and if they're still alive!

"But there are complications," Delenn says slowly.

"Complications?" I repeat, wondering what she's referring too. "Are you telling me Marcus is injured?" I take an educated guess and by looking at her expression I'm right. "What do you want me to do?"

"We will arrive at Babylon 5 in 12 hours. Would you meet us in docking bay and prepare for Marcus' stay in medlab?" she asks resolved. "Of course!" I exclaim, intent on helping Marcus to the best of my abilities. Mentally I'm already making notes on what to do. "But a summary of his injuries would be of great help. Is someone already treating them?" "Yes, a Minbari healer." Delenn looks to her right and then nods. "Langar assures me you will receive a detailed report within the next hours."

I've got this inexplicable feeling that Delenn is holding back and I'm about to ask what happened to Marcus as Michael walks in to my office. Inwardly cursing I realize Delenn caught his entry as well and her unease grows.

After assuring her I'll be there upon their arrival she terminates the connection. I impatiently wait for Langar's report and decide to stay here in medlab tonight.

"Stephen?" Garibaldi leans against the wall.

"I'm sorry, Michael, but the way it looks now I can't join you for a drink. I'll just have to make some caff here," I say apologetically.

"You got some casualties on their way in?" the Chief quickly deduces.

"One to be precise, Marcus."

"Marcus? I thought he was missing in action so to speak?" Garibaldi asks puzzled.

Michael has tried finding out what happened to Marcus at my request, but his sources knew nothing. Although he's tried hiding it, I know he's also worried about Marcus.

"Apparently our ranger's still alive, but injured. I'm awaiting a detailed report on his condition. Delenn is bringing him here and they'll arrive in 12 hours. I want to take him to medlab at once. Can you arrange for security clearance?"

"I'll immediately take care of it." Garibaldi straightens out his uniform jacket and is about to leave as he says, "Marcus might push my buttons once in a while, but I'm glad he's alive."

I nod my head, knowing Michael doesn't easily discuss his feelings. "I think that goes for all of us."

"Susan included," Michael remarks.

"Yes, I guess," I agree and remember Susan being distraught by Marcus' sudden disappearance as well. She told me it was only because she needed a translator onboard the White Star, but it was obvious she wasn't telling me everything. Ever since Marcus told me he's interested in her I kept hoping that somehow they would find a way to open up to each other. But Susan isn't making it easy for Marcus to tell her about his feelings. Talia's betrayal stung deeply and I doubt Susan will give Marcus a chance, which is really a pity. They are both lonely and deserve a chance at happiness.

"She won't show her relief though." Garibaldi turns around and steps in to the corridor.

Left behind I muse about that last remark. I'm not that sure Michael is right. During these last weeks her mask began to slip. Lennier told me Ivanova has been talking to Delenn about Marcus on more than one occasion.

My fingers hover above the com panel. Is it wise to contact her? Well, I guess I could let her know Marcus is on his way back. Ah, to hell with analyzing everything and I tap my hand communicator, hoping Michael didn't tell her already.

"Ivanova go," she replies in a calm tone.

In the background I hear officers relying orders and I realize she's in &C. "Franklin here. I just wanted you to know that Marcus is alive and on route to the station." Holding my breath I wait for a reaction.

"Acknowledged, Ivanova out."

That's it? That's all she can say after bugging Delenn and me for more information about Marcus? Stunned, I lean back in my chair. Perhaps she doesn't want to show any relief in front of her crew, I tell myself. I'm determined to contact her again after her shift has ended. Her emotionless tone strikes me as odd.

One hour later my head snaps back realizing there's another incoming message originating from the Minbari war cruiser. Curious I accept the message and look at the face of an elderly Minbari male, dressed in brown robes. "Yes?" I start puzzled.

"I'm Langer. Delenn asked me to update you on Marcus' condition and to send you a detailed report on his condition."

"I'm Stephen Franklin," I introduce myself and dislike seeing the man's furrowed brow. "How is he doing?"

"Not well," Langar replies in a worried tone. "Marcus is awake and yet at the same time... he doesn't acknowledge our presence. I hoped he would fall asleep, as I don't want to administer even more drugs to him, but he refuses to close his eyes. I already had to inject a sedative."

"Sedative? What the hell is going on?" I realize Delenn kept me in the dark and this is my chance to find out.

"The report will give you all necessary information," Langar says evasively. "I do suggest you take Marcus to a secluded section of the station. He might not react well to a crowd, that's if he'll react at all."

"Noted," I say and grow worried. I download and access the medical report Langar sent and study it quickly while maintaining the link. "What?" I stutter after reading the first few paragraphs about Marcus' captivity. "Are you serious?" I can't believe the extent of injuries described in the file. "Multiple fractured wrists and ankles? Broken ribs? Internal bleeding?"

"His wrists and ankles are still mending. Marcus' ribs have healed, but... his emotional state is... beyond words." Langar shakes his head. "Read the entire report."

I do and suck in my breath, realizing what Marcus was subjected to during his imprisonment. This Shitaro tortured him in every possible way. "Marcus was sexually assaulted and Neroon got him out?" I summarize the report.

"Yes," Langar replies saddened. "Marcus became dependent on Neroon and now that Neroon is dead..."

"Dead?" I interject. "But if Marcus really developed a dependency on Neroon... Has he gone in to shock?"

"Yes," Langar confirms in a strangled tone. "One could almost say Marcus is catatonic."

"I will take him to medlab 3 in Green section. We hardly use it and that will ensure his privacy," I decide. I was way too optimistic about Marcus' miraculous return. Why didn't Delenn warn me earlier? She didn't even mention Marcus' injuries were this severe! I can't imagine the state Marcus is in. "Is Marcus responding at all?"

"No," Langar mutters. "He has lost all sense of reality." Langar hesitates briefly. "You must know I am telepath and I can sense his despair. Marcus doesn't want to return to us or to live in our reality. He's constructed his own by maintaining Neroon is still alive."

"Can't you use your telepathic ability to push through his defenses?" I suggest. I have to use every advantage I've got and having a telepath close to Marcus can prove helpful.

"His mind is too fragile," Langar objects. "I would do even more damage."

"We will discuss this after Marcus has arrived on the station. Would you stay onboard until his recovery has set in?"

Langar nods determined. "I'll assist you."

Reassured, I close the connection and study Marcus' medical file more thoroughly. "Damn! Looks like he was dealing with what Shitaro did to him thanks to Neroon, and now... he won't trust me, won't trust anyone... perhaps..."

Can I ask Susan to come down after I examined Marcus to talk to him? I should keep that option in mind, should the rest fail. But foremost I've got to respect the patient-doctor confidentiality. No matter how badly I want to help Marcus I must be careful not to reveal too much about his captivity.

"Susan? We need to talk!" I catch a glimpse of her back as she strides around the corner. Hearing my voice she turns and waits for me to fall in to step next to her.

"What about?" she asks in a tired tone. "I've been on duty for 16 hours straight and I need to get some sleep."

I'm not sure why she's being evasive. I didn't even mention the subject of our conversation yet. "I'll walk you to your quarters," I offer, giving her no way out.

"Suit yourself," Susan whispers and start walking again. After a moment of silence she says, "This is about Marcus, isn't it?"

I nod my head once. "Your... reaction surprised me. I thought you'd be relieved to hear he's fine, after all... Marcus is part of our little family here," looking her in the eyes I add, "even though there aren't Earthforce insignia pinned on to his uniform," I say, suddenly remembering a remark she made months ago.

Susan flinches and I catch that motion. "Why are you avoiding this issue?" I'm usually not this direct, but I need to know where she stands, in case I need her help in setting up a treatment program for Marcus' recovery.

"I'm not avoiding anything!" Susan snaps. "Of course I'm glad he's alive! I lost too many people I cared about in my lifetime to begin with, but you can't expect me to show that in front of my crew in C&C." Her expression darkens and she bangs her fist in to the wall before entering her quarters.

Something she said suddenly hits me. "So you admit you care about Marcus?" I'm looking at her back as she has stopped walking and is now standing in front of me. "I realize it's hard for you, letting people in, especially after what happened to Malcolm and Talia, but..."

"You know shit!" Susan swirls about and her eyes shoot fire.

"Susan, I'm sor..."

"Sorry?" she repeats angered. "You don't know how sorry I am for letting people in time and time again and then they die on me or betray me..."

"And now you thought Marcus also died on you," I suddenly realize in a flash. "My message must have hit you pretty hard." I walk over to her and feel relieved as she allows me to sit her down. I had no idea Marcus' disappearance shook her up like this. "Want me to make you some caff?"

"Coffee."

Susan points me to the kitchen and after a short inspection I find the stashed away box of real coffee. After switching on the machine I return to the living area and find myself in an odd situation. Susan is staring at the wall and seems strangely vulnerable to me. I've never seen her like this before. Not even after we exposed Talia for what she truly was. "What's different about Marcus?" I ask, offering her a way to open up. Why the hell does she have to hide behind those walls all the time?

"I don't want to talk about him," Susan says in a shaky tone.

"Can't do that." I shrug my shoulders. "You're both my friends and I want to help."

"I don't need help!" Susan sneers.

"Susan," I say soothingly, "I'm a friend, remember? And friends stick together."

"You don't know what's like to lose all the ones you love." Susan shakes her head.

I return to the kitchen to get the coffee and hand her a mug. "I lost people I loved too," I say softly. "And in my profession death is always near. It made me realize how precious the time is we can spend together." Susan weakly smiles at me and I take that as a hint to continue. "Marcus once told me to touch passion when it came my way, because it's rare enough as it is. And you know what? He's right."

"Stephen?"

"Yes?" I grin seeing color return to her face and wish she had confided in me earlier.

"Thanks, I feel better now." Sipping from her coffee Susan appears to be thinking something over. "So what's the deal on Marcus' disappearance?"

I'm relieved she's interested in his well being. "Delenn is bringing him back to the station. They'll arrive in... 10 hours." I pause, trying to formulate my next remark. "And he's badly injured." Susan's eyes snatch at mine and I wish I could reassure her everything will be all right, but I can't.

"How badly? Will he survive?" Susan asks upset.

"I don't know. I need to examine him first, but I thought you should know." I slowly reach for her hand, curious whether she'll pull back. She doesn't and I squeeze it reassuringly. "Maybe you want to be kept updated on his condition? I don't think he can handle visitors at the moment, no matter how lovely they might be," I add and wink at her.

"I would like that," Susan admits and smiles.

In dark places part 28

Franklin

I can't help feeling nervous as I stand in the docking bay area awaiting Marcus' arrival. I prepared for the worst possible scenario and brought along a wheel chair, as I seriously doubt Marcus can walk. Michael made sure this part of the docking bay is empty and I'm grateful for his

thoughtfulness. As Garibaldi walks up to me he takes in his surroundings, making certain his orders were carried out.

"The elevator will take you straight to medlab 3," Michael says in a soft tone. "I'll stick around to keep an eye on the Minbari."

"And Marcus," I add, knowing Michael too well.

"And Marcus," Michael admits. "I wish you'd tell me what's really going on and why I need to take all these precautions." The Chief cocks his head. "I don't like it when people keep things from me."

"I can't tell you, Michael. You've got to respect patient-doctor confidentiality," I berate him softly, already revealing too much. Will Marcus react at all, seeing Michael and me? If Langar is correct he won't even notice us, locked up in his memories as he is. Hopefully I'll find a way to get through to him.

The docking bay doors slowly open and I draw in a deep breath, steadying myself for whatever will happen. Michael is still standing next to me and although he's acting like he doesn't really care the concern in his eyes is giving him away. Holding on to the medical scanner in my hands I wait

impatiently.

The first person to appear is Lennier. I sigh distressed seeing his upset glance, his normal air of serenity gone. Lennier is worried as well, which is a bad sign. Then Delenn steps in to the waiting area. Her brow is knotted and her fingers fumble the cloth of her robes. I've never before seen her do that. Apprehension fills me the moment the Minbari healer, Langar, walks up to me. I nod towards him and wait for Marcus to arrive.

Two warriors are needed to support him while walking. Marcus mechanically places one foot in front of the other and his eyes are dead empty. I shiver seeing the darkness in them. One doesn't need to be a telepath to notice the pain he's carrying with him.

"Stephen?" Delenn starts and bows slightly.

I quickly return the gesture and then approach Marcus who shows no sigh of recognition. "Delenn, I want to take him straight to medlab 3."

"Of course." Delenn gestures the two warriors to come closer. "Vallo and Dalmar will help you in getting him there. Dalmar is Marcus' aide," she says wavering as she speaks that last word.

"Aide? He can come along, but tell him to stay out of my way. You can sit him down in the wheel chair," I instruct, asking Delenn or Lennier to translate for me.

"We understand Standard," Vallo replies in a friendly tone and helps Marcus to sit down.

"We all do," Langar says, nodding his head.

Relieved, I release the breath I've been holding on to. Marcus looks bad and way too fragile. "You must be Langar," I say, addressing the elderly Minbari.

"Yes, I am and I suggest you take him to a more... controlled environment." Langar shoots Garibaldi a suspicious look.

"You can trust them," Delenn states upset. "All of us want to help Marcus."

"It's okay," I say soothingly, looking in to Vallo's eyes. "I understand you want to protect him." Yes, I do understand their reaction after reading Langar's report and talking to him for an hour. “We should be going now." I gesture the warriors to push the wheel chair to the elevator.

Watching Marcus, I realize Langar is right. Marcus has gone in to shock and I need to find a way to draw him out of his self-chosen isolation.

The ride to medlab only takes a few minutes and as we enter the facility I ask Vallo and Dalmar to stay in the waiting area. They object at first, but Delenn and Lennier calm them by reassuring them I can be trusted and the four of them watch us leave. Finally alone with Marcus and Langar I look at the Minbari's eyes. Suddenly it strikes me how tired the Minbari looks.

"I've been awake for 72 hours, just as long as Marcus. I didn't want him to be alone," Langar says concerned. "I sense that his spirit is growing weaker. He's about to give up."

"We can't allow that to happen," I state and together we place Marcus on an exam bed. My emotions almost over run me, realizing how much weight Marcus has lost. Scars cover parts of his face and his blank eyes stare in to nothingness. Cold rage sweeps through me. Rage aimed at Shitaro who did this to him. "Marcus needs sleep," I whisper.

"Yes, but first we need to get him out of his current state. The longer we wait the harder it is to reach him," Langar says softly. "I gently probed his defenses, but the pain is too much to handle. I had to abandon the effort."

Switching on the scanner I ponder the dilemma. "I can use certain drugs to force him in to waking up." I'm not comfortable with that solution, but we've got to break through to him. I stroke back some locks that obscure his face and I shake my head. "I'm not sure he'll recover from this trauma. Did this Shitaro really torture him?" I ask in disbelief. Deep in my heart I know he did, but... I need to hear it confirmed.

"Yes, he did. I treated Marcus when Neroon first brought him onboard. I feared he'd die, but Marcus surprised us all. Neroon became his lifeline and he started making progress, but then... he broke down seeing Neroon die."

Langer grows silent and watches the readings on the screen.

"He watched Neroon die?" I stutter amazed. "Then we can add another traumatizing event to the list." Distracted by this unexpected revelation I try concentrating on the readings. "Marcus needs fluids and food."

"He refuses to eat," Langar says saddened.

"We'll have to hook him up to an IV then," I whisper. "But first I'm going to give him some meds which will force him to wake up." I still can't believe Marcus is in this bad a way. The last time I saw him Marcus invited me to go for a drink in the Zocalo.

Langar pushes up a sleeve to uncover Marcus' veins and I stop in my tracks seeing deformed bones forcing the ranger's wrist in to a strange position. I compose myself and inject the transparent liquid. "It needs a few minutes to spread through the body," I inform Langar. "What do you think, whom will he respond to best? Me or you?"

"I do not know," Langar admits. "You should try it."

I take Marcus' right hand in mine and exploratory run my fingers over his palm. I mentally cringe seeing the extent of damage to his hands. After adjusting the exam bed Marcus now sits upright and I move closer, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Marcus, can you hear me?" I start cautiously. Nothing. No reply, no sign he heard me. I must try again; maybe the drugs aren't fully effective yet. "Marcus? It's me, Stephen."

Again, Marcus doesn't react and I look towards Langar for advice.

"Don't give up yet," the Minbari says. "Show Marcus you are determined to make him open up."

There is truth in Langar's statement. I need to convince Marcus I want to help him and will stay at his side. "Marcus, don't do this to me. I know you can hear me." I gently raise his chin and rub his skin. "Talk to me, Marcus."

Small shudders suddenly rack Marcus' body and I realize the meds finally kicked in. "Marcus? Talk to me," I repeat and watch his eyes. Their expression has changed. "You can hear me," I tell him again, "And I want you to start talking to me."

"Continue," Langar suddenly whispers. "His mind... is coming back to us. Don't let him slip away again!"

Encouraged, I softly rub his fingers and try catching his stare. "Marcus, it's me, Stephen."

Suddenly Marcus blinks his eyes and I sigh relieved. "Marcus? I know this is hard on you, but you've got to let us help you. Langar is here as well." I observe him closely and notice the changes in his breathing, which is turning rapid and irregular. "Calm down, Marcus. You're safe."

"Safe?" Marcus whispers in a cracked tone.

I exchange a victorious glance with Langar who smiles back at me. "Yes, safe," I confirm. "Langar and I are watching over you, so don't worry." Marcus stirs slowly and shifts on the exam bed. His eyes open and close slowly, like he's learning how to focus again. He's truly waking up now.

"Marcus?" I softly squeeze his hand. "Can you tell me your last name?" I probe, trying to determine whether he's fully awake yet.

"Last name?" Marcus says confused. "I don't have a name."

I catch Langar's distressed sigh and look up questioningly.

The healer leans forward and whispers, "Marcus reacted like this after Neroon rescued him. Shitaro convinced Marcus he no longer deserved a name."

Grateful for this information I cock my head and finally make eye contact. "Marcus, welcome back home." Slowly Marcus looks about and I see the wonder in his eyes. "You're back on Babylon 5," I whisper reassuringly.

"No!" Marcus suddenly exclaims in panic. "Neroon promised I could stay!"

"Marcus, calm down," I repeat in a firm tone, but he pushes me away and curls up on the exam bed. His hands shake violently and spasms rack his exhausted body.

"I knew we made a mistake in taking him here," Langar says resolved. "But Delenn wouldn't listen!"

"Give me time to work with him," I reply pleadingly. "I need to examine and talk to him before we can decide on any form of treatment." I don't want to admit it, but Marcus is in a far worse state than I expected, and I'm no longer that confident I can help him heal. But I'll try!

"I worry for him," Langar says apologetically.

"I understand." I rise from the exam bed, get the sleeping meds and return to Marcus' side. He has started to murmur softly. Sitting on my heels I strain to hear his words.

"Neroon... loves me... hold me... alone... pain..."

"I will take care of the pain," I promise and slowly inject the sleeping medication. "You're going to sleep now, Marcus. Don't fight it. You need rest." I cover him with a blanket and study his tired features as he loses the fight to stay awake. Assured Marcus is soundly asleep I look at Langar. "The two of us need to talk, now!"

In dark places part 29

Marcus

"You're going to sleep, now. Don't fight it, Marcus."

The words swirl around in my mind and I try to decipher their meaning. The voice speaking to me sounds kind of familiar, but I don't even try finding out who it belongs to, as I float, lost across a dark surface of pain. The numbness is starting to decrease in intensity and slowly I register sounds

coming from all around me. I know I'm back on Babylon 5; at least that's what the voice told me. I don't want to be here! Neroon promised I could stay with him as long as I live.

Then why break that promise?

"Marcus, you need rest," the voice says in a surprisingly gentle tone.

Suddenly I realize it's addressing me. Rest? Why would I need rest? All I need is... Neroon. But he died! I watched him die and that's why I'm back on Babylon 5 now. I'm no longer entitled to stay onboard the Ingata! I reach out to cherished memories of Neroon smiling at me, but they dissolve as fatigue too quickly consumes me. A desperate urge to give in to sleep overwhelms me and I surrender.

The voice and sounds around me die as I enter the silent world of sleep. But I know that silence won't last long.

I'm right.

Shitaro's spiteful voice sneers at me and I flinch looking at his ugly face that suddenly takes shape in front of my eyes. I'm back in my cell and smell the dreadful stench of blood and urine. No... please take me away from here!

"Neroon cannot help you. He is dead!" Shitaro snarls viciously.

No, please, I don't want to be here! Looking down my body I notice dried blood and my hands and feet hurt immensely. In my nightmares they're no longer healed, but once more shattered. Slowly I crawl in to a corner, pull up my legs and rock myself. Footfalls close in on me and I'm too afraid to look up, knowing its Shitaro who returned to add to the pain. I can't deal with this. Why did they make me go to sleep? I'm defenseless in my dreams!

I want to wake up, but something is keeping me back. I didn't want to fall asleep in the first place, knowing my fears await me and now I'm locked up in them! "Help me," I scream in my dream, knowing no one can hear me. The footfalls grow harder and I make myself as small as possible, wishing I were invisible. It won't work though. It never did during my captivity.

"Marcus, what are you doing to yourself?" a soft voice says in a berating tone

I shiver hearing that voice, recognizing it. Its presence makes me look up, wondering if it's one of Shitaro's tricks, but what if it isn't? I've got to know for sure. As my eyes slowly devour his body I release a soft whimper seeing his face. "Neroon!" I exclaim in disbelief. "It can't be you!"

"Marcus, you disappoint me." Neroon sits on his heels and shakes his head. "I thought you had learned not to wallow in self pity."

"I don't understand," I stutter, but move forward to wrap my arms around him. Suddenly the cell is gone and I'm back in his quarters onboard the Ingata. "Thank you, God," I whisper in a shaky tone. I don't think I would have survived living through my captivity a second time. "Hold me," I beg Neroon who immediately complies. "I don't understand. You're dead. I watched you die!" But his body is real and warm. I recognize his scent and inhale it deeply.

"I don't pretend to understand this either," Neroon starts. "But I think you're keeping me here in your dreams, because you're not yet ready to let me go."

His hands stroke my brow and I release a strangled sigh. "Just don't leave me!" I command pleadingly. Unexpected, he lifts me in his arms and carries me to the couch. I can't believe how real this feels. Maybe I truly lost it this time! The truth is that I don't really care. All that matters is Neroon holding me tight.

His chest rises underneath my fingertips and he feels definitely alive. I can't hold back any longer. "Why did you do it, Neroon? Why did you die on me? You know I need you!" I accuse him in a harsh tone. My hurt surfaces and tears drip down my face. "I believed you when you told me you loved me!"

"But I do love you." Neroon smiles saddened. "I love you in death."

His admission calms me slightly. "Then explain it to me, Neroon. Why didn't you step out of the Starfire? I watched you die for heaven's sake!" My anger is getting the better of me and I can no longer control it. "You don't love me, never did!" Neroon gives me a sad look and I know I'm falsely accusing him. His eyes reflect his affection and love for me. "I'm sorry," I mumble.

"You feel hurt. I understand that," Neroon replies thoughtfully. " But you must understand that I didn't have a choice when saving Delenn."

"Wrong," I chide him. "It was you who taught me that we always have a choice!" Neroon is sitting next to me, his arms slung around my waist and his brow rests against mine. "Oh god, how can I possibly be mad at you? Had I been in your position I'd have done the same," I realize with a start.

"The hardest thing I ever did," Neroon whispers softly, "was leaving you behind by stepping in to the Starfire. I knew that I'd never get a chance to show you that it was the only way to end the civil war."

I stopped crying moments ago, but now new tears make my eyes water hearing this confession. "I just assumed I wasn't that important to you," I admit choking up.

"Marcus," Neroon mumbles, "you lie to yourself to protect yourself, but that isn't necessary. I will always live on in your heart, you know that."

"I know," I mumble upset. "I guess I always knew, but... I can't cope without you."

"Yes, you can, Marcus."

Neroon stares in to my eyes and I shiver seeing the confidence in them. "Will you be gone once I wake up?" I ask nervously and then realize I phrased it wrong. "I mean... the next time I fall asleep, will you be waiting for me in my dreams?"

"I honestly don't know," Neroon replies. "I'm not even sure why I'm here in your dreams now. All I remember is the Starfire tearing me apart and then walking in to your cell."

He definitely looks confused and I'm sorry I ever asked that particular question. "You're here now," I say soothingly and push him back until I can lie down next to him. My head rests on his lap and I enjoy the sensation his fingers create as they tangle in my hair. At peace, I role on to my back to study his facial expression. "I don't ever want this moment to end."

"That's a very unrealistic wish," Neroon says softly, "but I share that desire."

Something about his eyes strikes me as odd and suddenly I realize what it is. "Neroon, you aren't about to cry, are you?" I don't think I can handle that, but his eyes =are= watering.

"No," he replies amused. "But I must admit I've seldom been this emotional."

Snuggling up to him I rest my head against his chest. This feels so comfortable, so fucking familiar that I start to tremble in his arms.

"What is it?" Neroon inquires worried.

"I dread waking up and finding you gone." My hands bury themselves in his clothes until I feel bare skin underneath my fingertips. "You feel so real!" I stutter.

"It feels even stranger to me," Neroon confesses. "I'm dead, remember?"

"What's it like? Dying?" I ask curiously. As long as I'm in his arms I'm safe and I feel like I can accomplish anything. Neroon gives me a puzzled look and I know I won't get an honest answer.

"I'm forbidden to speak about it."

"Hold on!" I exclaim, sit up in his arms and clutch his head in my hands. "I thought you had no idea how you got here? Then how do you know you're not allowed to speak about this subject?" Trembling I wonder what he's hiding from me. His eyes are giving him away and I definitely see pain in them. "Neroon?" I say, afraid I angered him.

"Don't go there, Marcus. Don't question my presence in this dream."

His voice carries a hint of warning and I let it rest for now. "But I need those answers," I object softly, no longer trying to make him open up. "I'm just relieved you're here," I whisper and rest my body against his. "I missed you!"

"Yes, I know that," Neroon replies. "We need to talk, Marcus."

I knew this was coming, but in all honesty, as long as I can hear his voice I don't care what he's talking about. Caressing his bare chest with my fingers I savor this moment.

"Delenn took you back to Babylon 5," he states.

"Yes and I wish she hadn't!" My hands freeze and I stare in to Neroon's dark eyes. "I don't want to be here! I can't face them, certainly not Stephen and... Susan." Her name is only a whisper and I wish I had never spoken it.

"You have feelings for her," Neroon says in a soft tone.

"I =had= feelings for her," I correct him in a cold tone. "The way I'm now..." Unable to end that sentence I feel like I'm betraying Neroon. He loves me and now I'm thinking about someone else that I used to care about.

"Be honest with yourself, Marcus," Neroon advises. "I am dead and can no longer help you heal. But if she also cares for you..."

"She doesn't!" I yelp and tug at his clothes, freeing my hands in the process. "Don't you get it? She can't stand me!"

"I seriously doubt that," Neroon says and grins.

"You don't know what she's like!" I object and close my eyes, trying to banish her eyes from my mind. "She will never allow me close."

"I know another person who was determined to shut everyone out," Neroon says tenderly. "And in the end he called me back from my rest."

I start to blush and my face turns crimson red.

"Why are you blushing?" Neroon asks in an amused tone.

Avoiding his eyes my thoughts drift back to the last evening we shared. "I was thinking about your... oral exploration," I admit in a shy tone.

Neroon laughs warmly. "I impressed you, didn't I?"

"Yes," I quip slightly embarrassed and relax in his arms. "I can't imagine Susan ever doing that for me." I wish I could take back those words as I feel I revealed too much of my hopes and fears.

"You can't fool me," Neroon starts. "You still have feelings for her. I suggest you act upon them!"

"Are you serious?" I choke out. I assumed Neroon would react jealously.

"Marcus," Neroon says, "I want you to be happy, to live your life to the fullest. I can no longer be part of your life, but Susan can."

"I can never again look her in the eyes," I whisper, "not after what Shitaro..." Neroon doesn't berate me and I ponder my answer. My self-esteem has reached a new low and I will never feel like I deserve Susan's attention.

Suddenly something tugs at my mind, pulling me away from Neroon and I desperately fight the sensation. He's fading away underneath my hands and I snatch at his form, trying to keep him close.

"They're calling you, Marcus. Our time together has ended. Don't forget what I tried to show you. You're strong and will survive," Neroon whispers.

"No," I yell in despair. "You've got to stay with me!" My mouth grows dry and I look at my empty hands. Neroon is no longer here and another voice appears instead.

"Marcus? It's time to wake up."

"No," I moan, but on impulse I open my eyes and stare in to Stephen's.

In dark places part 30

Marcus

"Good, you're awake!" Stephen states relieved. "You had me worried for a sec, Marcus."

His voice is filled with concern and I swallow hard realizing that as a doctor he probably knows my entire updated medical history. Why did Delenn have to bring me here? I don't want them to know what Shitaro subjected me to! They are too close, know me too well.

"Marcus, how do you feel?" Stephen inquires.

He switches on a medical scanner and it slowly examines my body. I don't trust my voice enough to speak and even if I did address him, what the hell am I supposed to say?

"I asked you a question, Cole," Stephen says softly.

"Not sure," I reply and close my eyes again to banish his face from my mind. I want to be alone. Immediately I recognize the distinct smell that I associate with medlab and strain to hear other voices, telling me how many people are around. But I only hear Stephen's.

"You've have been here for 8 hours and you've slept straight through them," Stephen says and switches off the scanner. "I had to give you something to sleep, because when you came in you were in shock."

Nervous, I bite my lower lip. I feel terribly ashamed, lying here on the exam bed unable to move properly. My body seems paralyzed and all I can do is breathe deeply and hope this embarrassing moment will pass.

"Langar is here as well, assisting me," Stephen says as he takes a seat on the bed.

I quickly move away from him and because I've no sense of orientation I almost fall from the bed. Stephen catches me in time, making sure I never hit the floor. I cringe feeling his fingertips on my skin and quickly pull back.

An awkward silence descends on to the room and I try to increase the distance between us. Physically and emotionally Stephen is too close to making me talk to him and determined I role on to my side. Turning my back on him I hope he'll back down and leave me alone. I want to return to sleep and search for Neroon in my dreams so I will feel safe again.

"You remember Langar, don't you?" Stephen asks slowly

He walks to the other side of the bed to face me and I realize he's determined to talk to me. Drained, I resign myself to this situation. "Yes, I do," I whisper uncomfortably.

"He's worried about you and so is Delenn," Stephen continues.

He's trying hard to catch my stare and I can't help but answer the glance, remembering Neroon told me to search their eyes. I'm afraid to find pity in Stephen's eyes, but Neroon was right. Stephen cares for me and doesn't pity me. He wants to help me because he considers me a friend. "You don't have to worry," I say in a cracked tone.

"But we do," Stephen says in a chiding tone, "because we care for you." A smile accompanies his words.

"I'm not worth it." The words leave my lips before I realize it. I wrap my arms around my waist underneath the blanket and shiver violently. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" I distinctly hear Stephen sigh and he sounds distressed as he speaks again.

"We're going to work through this together. You've been to hell and back and all of us want to help you because we care for you."

I shake my head slightly. "I can't do this without Neroon." I'm sure he knows what happened to Neroon. Langar probably filled him in on everything! No, I berate myself. Stephen needs to know everything. As my doctor he wants me to recover and Langar is obligated to inform him. I can't be angry with them.

But I need to be angry with someone! The anger, the rage is consuming me from the inside. I locked it away as Delenn sat at my side, but now it's bubbling up again. It takes every ounce of determination I've got to push it back in to the obscure darkness of my mind.

"I'm sorry about Neroon," Stephen says in a sincere tone. "I know he meant a lot to you."

"He loved me," I stutter and rub my temples. A headache is starting at the back of my head and I'm not sure I can deal with that nagging pain. "Put me back to sleep?" I beg in a soft tone.

"No, Marcus, that's no solution and you know it. You need to talk this out and I'm here to listen," Stephen offers.

He isn't pushing me and I appreciate it, but I can't tell him what I've been through. I don't want to relive everything. It was hard enough to open up to Neroon the first time. I simply don't have the courage or energy to do it again. "I can't do that."

"You must if you want to recover." Stephen sits down on the bed adding, "And we want you to recover."

"Why?" I ask questioningly. "Why care about me?" My eyes flash open and my harsh tone startles me. "You know what I've been through, what Shitaro did to me. Why the hell can't you just let me be!" The rage has found a way through my defenses and I aim it at myself, not wanting to hurt Stephen's feelings. "Neroon died on me, Delenn brought me here against my will and

Shitaro... I want to die, dammit! I've got nothing left to live for!"

Stephen shakes his head calmly. "Yes, I know what happened and I understand you're hurt. But, Marcus we do care about you."

His tender tone makes me feel nauseous and I fear the return of the dry heaves, which tormented me during those first days on the Ingata. Stephen stays calm, looks me in the eyes and his fingers stroke my hair like Neroon used to do. I wonder how much Langar told him.

"Calm down, Marcus and trust us to help you deal with this." Stephen smiles and looks at the doorway.

I follow his glance and tense up, uncertain who is hiding there. I relax seeing Langar. Except for Neroon he's the only one I vaguely trust. Seeing him close ensures me I'm safe. "Langar," I whisper and smile weakly.

"I tried to stop Delenn, but she was determined to take you here," Langar says apologetically.

"I don't want to stay here. Can't you talk to her?" I look at both Stephen and Langar. "Please, anywhere is better than this place." My pounding heart pumps my blood through my veins at an insane rate and I'm growing hopeful they'll honor my request.

"Marcus, it doesn't matter where you are," Stephen starts concerned. "You need medical care and support."

I remain quiet; knowing only Neroon could have motivated me to work at my recovery. As it is now, I don't care about my future.

"Delenn wants to talk to you," Stephen says. "Do you think you're up to it?"

Rationally I know I can't refuse her request, but emotionally I can't face her so I shake my head. "No, please keep her out of here."

"I will if you tell me why," Stephen whispers in a sly tone.

I forget about him sitting close to me as Delenn's gloomy eyes appear in my mind. "I simply can't face her," I admit shaken. "She's the reason why Neroon..."

Langar finishes for me. "Why Neroon is dead now. He died with honor, Marcus."

The Minbari's eyes are swimming and I realize he's mourning Neroon's death as well. "You know how I feel," I whisper. "Change Delenn's mind and let me go!" I'm losing control and I'm fighting hard to recompose myself. I don't want to fall apart in front of them. But I can no longer keep the rage and shame down. It needs to get out. Stephen and Langer are the only ones I can aim it at and my voice cracks as I start yelling at them.

"Don't you understand that I can't look in to your eyes without feeling ashamed, Stephen? I failed Delenn, allowed myself to be captured and everything backfired. You and the others know what I was like before this shit happened! You know I've changed! I don't want to lose our friendship. I want to be able to face you and look you in the eyes without feeling ashamed, without being afraid Susan and Garibaldi are whispering behind my back that I'm a failure! That I'm only a pathetic excuse for a ranger!"

I want to rave on, but short of breath I'm forced to stop. My throat feels like sand and I gulp to draw in my next breath. "I want to keep some of my dignity," I choke out in a strangled cry. Shaking badly I watch my hands as they turn in to claws, clutching the blanket. Stephen is still sitting next to me and I wonder what I've got to do to make him turn his back on me!

"It's true," Stephen whispers in an emotional tone. "I don't know what you're going through. Shitaro didn't do this to me."

His words sound honest and my breathing becomes regular again. I still can't look them in the eyes after my emotional outburst. If Neroon were here I would never have lost control like this! "Then don't force me to stay here," I mumble embarrassed.

"We'll talk to Delenn," Stephen promises and sighs heavily. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

There's something I'm curious about, but... "Is Susan doing fine?" I can't help being worried about her. Neroon was right. I still care about her.

Stephen's eyes light up brightly. "She asked me to keep her informed about your recovery."

"Don't tell her," I say pleadingly. "Don't tell her what Shitaro did, please Stephen."

"Don't worry, Marcus. I took an oath to respect your privacy. I'm a doctor, remember?" Stephen says teasingly.

Hearing that lighthearted tone makes me smile. "Thanks for being more than a doctor... for being a friend."

Stephen nods his head and Langar slowly approaches the bed. "Marcus," the Minbari says determined, "if you had your way, where would you like to stay during your recovery?"

Confused, I look at Stephen. Why ask me?

"Answer the man, Marcus. Maybe then we've got something that will help us convince Delenn that this isn't the right place for you to be right now."

Stephen and Langar exchange a meaningful glance and seem strangely pleased.

That doesn't make it easier for me to answer that question though. "Where would I like to be?"

"Yes," Stephen says firmly. "Don't limit yourself."

A smile breaks through on my face as I nod my head. Catching Langar's eyes I say, "Neroon mentioned a residence near Yedor?"

"That was what I suggested to Delenn," Langar says fatigued, "but she insisted Doctor Franklin here on the station check on you."

"But... do you think I can really go there?" I ask confused. Would the Minbari allow me in the house?

"Yes," Langar states determined, and then turns to Stephen. "What do you say, doctor?"

"Sounds like a plan," Stephen admits, "but..."

I lose confidence hearing that one word and wait for the inevitable to come... A negative answer to my request.

"I can't let you go on your own, Marcus and I need to discuss this with Delenn first."

"I understand that," I quickly whisper, once more hopeful that I can leave the station again. “Please try?"

"I will," Stephen promises resolved.

In dark places part 31

Susan

Desperate for my mind to start waking up I gulp down the black coffee I made moments earlier. I've felt like a mess since Stephen told me Marcus is alive. Cole yesterday returned to the station and Stephen asked to keep everything low profile. Only Garibaldi was allowed in to docking bay to look after security matters. They don't know I accessed the security cams to oversee Marcus' arrival.

Marcus looked way worse than I expected. He couldn't even walk on his own and his eyes... they were empty. They reminded me of my mother's and shivers ran down my spine. Marcus looked like he felt dead inside. The way he walked indicated that he couldn't place his feet flat on the floor and his hands looked twisted. My fingers shook as they pushed the button and at once the screen went black. What did they do to him? Marcus possessed a natural grace I always admired and it is completely gone now.

Staring at the black liquid I wipe away a tear that escapes my eyes and shake my head in disbelief. Marcus is a warrior and now they've clipped his wings.

Stephen promised to keep me updated, but I know Marcus has a long journey to recovery ahead of him. I can't describe the feeling that washes through me now that I know he's back on the station. When Delenn couldn't tell me where he was or if he was still alive I realized I was more then just concerned about a friend. I tried to fight the feelings coming to the surface all of a sudden, but they hit me unprepared.

Marcus has been stationed here for 2 years now and slowly he turned in to a friend and now I've got to face the fact that he has become the closest friend I've got. Together we accomplished several missions, but the thing I remember most about Marcus is his secret effort to make me laugh whenever I'm feeling down.

Yes, I can talk to John about subjects I'd never dare touch with Marcus, but... whenever he's around I feel comfortable, and then... I start pushing him away. I don't want to be this comfortable around him. I let it happen too many times and ended up hurt; discovering people were lying to me or even worse, manipulating me.

I promised myself to never go through the pain again. Then Marcus disappeared and I'm completely surprised to discover the way I feel about him. Garibaldi said Marcus was missing in action. Delenn couldn't give me any information, and I slowly convinced myself he had died on me too. I could tell Delenn found it odd, the number of times I asked about Marcus, but I reached the point where I no longer cared about what others might think of me. I wanted my questions answered.

And then Stephen tells me Marcus is back, badly injured but alive. He contacted me while I was on duty in C&C and I remember hearing his voice. All I wanted was to show my relief. To thank whatever God who was responsible for keeping him alive and tell Stephen that I felt grateful for this chance, but I couldn't. My entire crew was watching me the moment I received that call. I didn't dare to show any emotions.

When Stephen caught up with me on my way back to my quarters I was struggling to remain composed and I desperately raised my walls to keep him out. But Stephen has never been one to accept defeat and succeeded in making me open up to him. I felt incredibly relieved after I told him how worried I had been for Marcus.

Stephen was right when he assumed his message had hit me hard in C&C. Marcus had returned from the dead and I didn't know what to say or how to react to this news. Now, as I sit in my quarters watching ISN-broadcasts, I still feel numb.

I've got to attend a meeting in a moment and Marcus is one of the things we need to discuss. Stephen hinted that Marcus doesn't want to stay onboard and wishes to return to Minbar. Delenn looked upset when she heard that and I can only guess at what is really going on. The nature of his injuries indicate he was tortured but by whom and why? Delenn told me she sent Marcus on a mission, but revealed nothing more.

Still puzzled I get up and put on my uniform jacket. I should braid my hair, but notice I'm running out of time so I shrug it off and step in to the corridor.

Why the hell is it that I suddenly feel this concerned for Marcus? I still see his eyes, empty, blank, lifeless and wish I could help him, but this is a medical issue. Stephen will make the necessary calls this time.

"Susan!"

Immediately I recognize Stephen's voice and I turn around. We're standing in front of the war room and I'm about to step inside as Stephen gestures me to wait and talk to him. Suddenly I realize I'm trembling, but holding on to my composure I nod my head and wait for him to start the conversation.

"I talked to Marcus last night," he starts.

Concern shines from his eyes and my throat is so tight that it feels like a hand clamping it shut. "And?" I question; not sure I want to hear this.

"Marcus condition is far worse than I expected and he wants to leave the station."

"To go where?" I don't like the tone of Stephen's voice, which tells me Marcus' condition must have shocked him.

"Minbar. Marcus wants off the station ASAP."

"Why?" This doesn't make any sense to me. "I thought he would want to be here, among friends." Stephen's pleased smirk at hearing that comment urges me to be careful with my words.

"Friends... the mere thought of being among the people who know and care for him scares him gutless," Stephen says in an odd tone.

"I don't get it," I mumble, but John gestures us inside and our conversation abruptly ends. I can't stop thinking about Stephen's comment though. Why is Marcus afraid of his friends?

John asks us to take a seat and by looking at his eyes I can tell he's equally worried. Delenn, who's sitting to his right, looks tired and in need of sleep. One stranger is attending the meeting and I'm curious to find out this Minbari's identity.

"This is Langar," Stephen says, introducing the healer. "He treated Marcus' injuries after he was rescued."

John nods his head. "So how bad is Marcus really?" the Captain wants to know.

He's asking the question I didn't get any answer to and I know Stephen won't tell us the entire truth to protect his patient's privacy and I respect him for it. Wouldn't want people to know the truth if something traumatizing had happened to me!

"Bad. Physically he needs weeks, maybe even months to recover. His broken limbs have healed, but need to be broken again in order to correct the old fractures." Stephen exchanges a look with Langar before continuing. The Minbari gives him a nod of approval. "Then there's his present emotional state to worry about. He's a mess."

I avert my eyes and stare at the table, wondering what happened to Marcus and my lips almost form that question, but I hold my tongue just in time. Garibaldi however doesn't.

"I take it he was tortured then?"

Stephen seems slightly uncomfortable hearing that question. "Yes, they did everything to break his spirit."

"And they succeeded," Langar adds in a saddened tone.

Delenn's expression darkens and I cock my head to study her better. I've never seen that particular look on her face. It almost looks like guilt.

"He was rescued by a Minbari warrior named Neroon," Delenn says hesitantly.

I sense her unease and am surprised she'd show it this openly. There is more going on than they're telling us and that pisses me off! I want the truth!

"Hold on," John interjects. "Isn't that the one who tried to kill you?" he says, looking Delenn in the eyes.

"Yes," she confirms. "But he changed greatly after that and it was he who urged Marcus to work towards recovery."

Langar takes over and I'm beginning to feel confused, there are so many hidden messages here...

"Neroon and Marcus grew attached to each other, but Neroon died unexpectedly 3 days ago and Marcus watched him die."

"Oh no," I whisper and truly don't care what others might think of my reaction. Oddly enough they don't seem to notice and I realize the situation is dead serious.

"He died saving my life," Delenn adds in a muffled tone.

I understand now why she looks depressed, but my concern is for Marcus. I don't dare to speak up though, unwilling to reveal that to the rest.

"He expressed the wish to return to Minbar and to stay at Yedor." Langar's voice is steady and determined. "I support that decision."

"So do I," Stephen adds and both men look at Delenn. "He hates being here, Delenn. He can't face us yet. We need to give him time and opportunity to heal."

"I will respect his wish," Delenn whispers in a soft tone.

Stephen sighs relieved. "This is the right thing to do, Delenn. Marcus has to say good-bye to Neroon and by taking him here..."

I understand what Stephen's talking about and I completely agree. But the thought of Marcus leaving the station is slowly getting to me. I'll lose him a second time, but... maybe he'll return soon! I hold on to that thought for comfort.

"But he can't do this on his own," Stephen suddenly states. "Marcus needs someone to support him =all= the way."

Langar agrees and adds, "It will be hard on Marcus to trust another person after losing Neroon, but he needs to know one person will back him up all the way. Neroon was willing to do that and Marcus quickly realized that truth."

The look Stephen gives me says more than words. He wants to me to accompany Marcus! No, way! I'm not going to get involved with someone only to lose him in the end! I can't do it! I keep seeing Marcus' blank eyes and remember my mother taking her life. What if Marcus is going to do the same thing? I can't handle that pain for a second time!

I slowly shake my head. No, I won't do it! Stephen gets the message and I'm momentarily stunned seeing the disbelief and disappointment in his eyes, but that isn't going to change my opinion. I can't get involved with someone who's on the brink of committing suicide. I've been through that once and I doubt I can survive living through that hell again. I've got to protect myself!

"Any suggestions?" John asks concerned.

His eyes scan our faces in turn and I stare hard back at him as he probes my eyes. No, I tell him, back off. John shoots me a saddened look and then addresses Stephen.

"What about Langar?" John proposes.

Stephen shakes his head at once. "Marcus needs one of us to stay with him. Foremost he has to forgive himself for what happened. He can only do that if he knows we support him."

The room remains awfully quiet and I know Stephen is waiting for me to give in, but dammit I won't!

"I will stay with him," Lennier suddenly says.

Upset, Delenn looks at her aide. "You?"

"Marcus needs support and we live to serve," Lennier replies in a resolved tone.

"No," Stephen says determined. "Lennier, I truly appreciate your offer, but... your place is at Delenn's side and we all know that. I will make sure Marcus' knows of your offer."

Lennier nods his head and is obviously disappointed. Stephen locks eyes with me again and I immediately focus on the wall. I won't do it! I can't deal with another death! Please understand that, Stephen! I plead mentally.

"I'll go to Minbar and help him recover," Stephen says in a resolute tone.

Relieved, I establish eye contact again, but flinch inwardly seeing the disappointment on his face.

"Are you sure? Medlab needs you," John objects, but his statement lacks true conviction.

"Lillian Hobbes can take over. She's fully qualified to replace me," Stephen sighs.

John considers the situation and then says, "Fine, you've got leave of absence, but keep in touch!"

"I will," Stephen promises.

"Susan? Wait for me!"

Damn! I tried leaving as quickly as possible, but Stephen expected that move. "What?" I snap nervously. I know what he wants from me. Stephen wants me to change my mind, but I can't do that. No one can ever understand what I've been through.

"Are you sure you don't want to go in my place?" Stephen says and watches the others leave one by one.

"I'm sure!" I state and want to step in to the elevator as he pulls me back

"Marcus needs you, Susan you know that!" His tone changed and is now urgent.

"You'll do a much better job than I ever could. I'm no nurse or doctor," I point out to him and fight to stay composed. Stephen is too close to tear down my walls.

"But he loves you, dammit!"

Stephen's admission doesn't come as a surprise. "I know that," I admit slowly.

"You know?" Stephen exclaims and raises an eyebrow. "In that case I really don't understand you."

"I've known since I returned those roses to him," I confess and realize I need to get out of here before I bare my soul in front of him. "I hope you can help him." I step in to the elevator and tell it to take me to C&C.

"Susan, you're making a mistake," Stephen says in a chiding tone.

"I made so many already. What's one more?" I state shaken and finally the elevator door closes. Leaning back against the wall I bang my first in to it. I can't believe I said that! I grow angry with myself and realize I'm going to face a number of sleepless nights in which my words will haunt me.

In dark places part 32

Marcus

"Pack your bags, Marcus. We leave in one hour," Stephen says entering the exam room.

I open my eyes, wondering what he's talking about. "What?" I stutter. I was dozing, feeling too alert to fall asleep but too drained to keep my eyes open. Slowly I turn on to my right side to get a better look at Stephen. During this last hour I resigned myself to staying in medlab and became

listless.

"Delenn agreed. You're going to Yedor."

"Are you serious?" I ask confused. I never expected Delenn to give in. Stephen is checking the one IV he hooked me up to hours ago and gives me a wink.

"Langar and I combined forces and she didn't stand a chance!" Stephen replies victoriously.

"Thank you, Stephen," I whisper from the bottom of my heart. Knowing that I'm going to leave within the hour offers me a mental tranquillity I've haven't felt since coming onboard. I push my body deeper in to the comfort of the mattress and follow Stephen with my eyes as he makes an entry in my medical file. Speechless, I wonder what to say.

"Want to pick up your personal stuff before we leave?" Stephen inquires with a radiant smile.

"We?" I suddenly question, assuming he's going to see me off.

"Yes, the Captain approved of my leave of absence. I'm going to accompany you to Minbar, Marcus."

This admission stuns me. "Why?" Why would he want to do that?

"You still need medical supervision," Stephen says, grins smugly and leans in closer, "And I know your tricks to get out of bed. Langar doesn't."

His answer completely surprises me and I smile weakly. Stephen is obviously making an effort to make me feel comfortable. I fumble one end of the blanket and suddenly realize I'm still wearing Neroon's clothes. They stripped me of the robes I was wearing when I left the Ingata. That entire

trip has turned in to one black hole in my mind. I've absolutely no recollection of those days.

"Marcus?" Stephen asks concerned.

I shake my head to drive away the fog and manage to sit up in bed. "Are you going to cut me loose of that drip then?"

"Yes," Stephen whispers and takes care of the IV. He then pulls up a chair and sits down.

His stare is making me uncomfortable. "Say it," I whisper, not sure why he's watching me.

"I talked to Susan."

His words explode like a bombshell and I swallow hard. If Neroon hadn't told me to act on my feelings I would block every bit of news about her. "She must be glad to be rid of me," I sneer, the anger of that remark aimed at myself.

"No, she isn't," Stephen replies and raises his hand.

A moment later he places his fingers on mine and I tremble feeling his touch. I can't shake him off though, as I don't want to hurt his feelings. Stephen is doing his best to reach out to me and I appreciate the effort he's making.

"She was very disturbed to learn you want to leave the station."

Curious I look up and search his eyes. "Why?" I wonder surprised.

"She thought you would have liked to recover with the help of your friends," Stephen explains in a compassionate tone.

"You know why I can't stay," I berate him; suddenly afraid I'm not leaving the station at all. What if this is a ploy to get me to stay?

"I know, Marcus," Stephen confirms. "The Ingata is going to take us to Minbar."

"The Ingata? I thought the war cruiser..." Confused I try finishing my remark. "That they'd left..."

"Langar, Dalmar and Vallo are still here. Dalmar is standing guard in front of your door, although I've got no idea why." Stephen smiles and adds, "And Vallo... is strolling through the Zocalo in search of books."

I can't help but smile, remembering he got me ' The Mists of Avalon' as well. "Dalmar is still here?" I ask softly. I assumed he'd stay onboard the Ingata and take her back to Minbar.

"Yes, he mentioned some stipulation in Neroon's will that makes him your aide?" Stephen says questioningly.

I cringe hearing Neroon's name. The loss suddenly seems too much to bear and I tell myself to hang in there and not to give up! Neroon would push me further towards recovery and I can't shame him. "I never read his will," I admit in a guilty tone. "Neroon changed it the night before he died."

"Then maybe it's time you read it," Stephen suggests and gets to his feet. "You still didn't answer my question."

"What question?" I ask thoroughly confused. Lately, my memory is showing gaps and I can't remember what Stephen asked me.

"Want to go and pick up your stuff before leaving?" Stephen repeats patiently.

"I don't want to leave this room," I state determined. I can't stand the thought of running in to someone I know.

"Come on, Marcus. You'll have to leave this room anyway to go aboard the Ingata. We'll just make a short stop."

Stephen sounds awfully convincingly and I start to doubt my earlier decision. Right now he sounds like Neroon when he coaxed me in to accompany him to the command center. "You believe I can do this," I realize with a start and say the words aloud without intending to do so. Neroon also

believed in me and his confidence empowered me.

"I =know= you can do it," Stephen states determined.

As he helps me to my feet I realize I still need support. "Stephen, have you seen my pike?"

"Dalmar has it," Stephen quips, "for safekeeping. Don't want you driving me mad."

I grin sheepishly, sensing Stephen's determination to help me work through this. "Why don't you call him inside? I need my pike." Stephen complies and as Dalmar enters I immediately notice the warrior's relieved glance. Feeling awkward I don't know how to address him.

"Marcus," Dalmar starts, "you might need this," and extends his hand.

I gingerly walk towards him and sigh seeing the pike in his hand. "This is all I've got to remind me of him," I stutter embarrassed, completely forgetting about Neroon's necklace and don't notice Stephen's smile. I open the pike and grip it tightly with my right hand. My fingers ache as I force

them around the metal, but the ache is bearable.

"The Ingata is ready for departure," Dalmar says in a proud tone. "It will take us two days to reach Minbar. I've already contacted Yedor."

I nod my head as my throat chokes up. Yedor, I'm going to stay at Neroon's home and I wonder whether I'll be welcome. There's something else I should address first though and hesitantly I ask, "Why did Neroon name you my aide?" Puzzled, I try finding a reason why Neroon would force Dalmar to stay with me.

Slightly uncomfortable Dalmar shuffles his feet. "I'm here to guard you against a possible enemy and..."

I swallow hard, wondering whether he'll ask me to relieve him from his duty. Serving a human must feel degrading to him. Neroon made a mistake in binding his second in command to me.

"I'm honored to serve as your aide," Dalmar finally says and nods his head.

Unable to speak I stare at Stephen. What am I supposed to reply to that?

"We should be going now," Stephen says, sensing something odd is going on. "Dalmar, we're going to stop at Marcus' quarters first to get his personal stuff."

"Vallo is already waiting for us in the shuttle bay," Dalmar states and takes a step aside. "I will accompany you of course, Marcus."

Tired, I slowly walk out of the room. Stephen is at my right side and Dalmar stays one step behind us. I feel safe and protected and realize Dalmar would die defending me. The thing that eludes me is why. Why consent to Neroon's wish? I keep my eyes fixed on the floor and feel relieved that the corridors seem empty. Using the support of my pike I manage to stay in pace with

Stephen. I suddenly realize where we are. It's only a short walk to my quarters.

"You feel way more comfortable since I told you we're leaving the station," Stephen says unexpectedly.

Embarrassed, I nod my head. "I don't want to stay here."

We reach my quarters and I try punching in my access code, but I keep hitting the wrong buttons. "Stephen?" I say, feeling shy.

"What's the code?"

I tell him and the door opens a moment later. Dalmar stays in the corridor after checking my quarters. I feel like stepping in to the past, seeing the mess I left behind, leaving the station in a hurry. "This is so weird," I tell Stephen. "This is how I left everything behind." I walk across the room to collect my comb and brush. I'm glad I agreed to come here. "There are things I would like to take along."

Stephen has found my duffel and is now checking on my sparse wardrobe. "Yes, pack some sweats," I suggest and step in to the small bathroom. Looking in to the mirror I release a soft sigh. I look like Stephen raised me from the dead, way too pale and skinny. I'll have to put on some weight if I ever want to regain my former shape, but as I stare at my hands I know I'm only kidding myself. Pike fighting is no longer an option. I'm not even sure there's a reason to have my ankle and hands corrected.

"Marcus, anything else you might need?" Stephen says as he joins me in the bathroom.

Something in my eyes gives me away and he places a hand reassuringly on my shoulder. I cherish his concern and feel special because he cares for me. "No, I don't think so," I remark, peeking at the content of my duffel. Searching my room for things Stephen might have overlooked I add one more item to the duffel, a crystal. Stephen doesn't need to know I once paid an officer to record a party at Airheart's. Not to mention the entire crystal is filled with images of Susan. Would Neroon have liked her? I suspect he would. But I shake off that thought as it no longer matters. Susan is out of my reach.

"Stephen," I start curious, "why are you coming along to Minbar?" I've been wondering about this ever since he told me.

"Lennier offered to go with you first," Stephen admits as the door opens. "But he would never survive being away from Delenn for a longer period of time."

I notice his sly grin and wonder how many people have seen through Lennier's pretence. It's so obvious he loves Delenn! But... "Does that mean you asked for volunteers to...?" I stare at Dalmar who gestures me to start walking to the shuttle bay.

"I was hoping Susan would go in my place," Stephen confesses in a sincere tone, filled with silent regret.

His words hit me like a PPG blast. "Susan didn't want to...?" I can't finish the sentence. "She must really dislike me then," I whisper self-absorbed, forgetting I'm not alone. "But why would she agree? She doesn't even like me and after... no, of course she wouldn't."

"Marcus, stop putting yourself down," Stephen says softly. "It's not you. It's her past."

I hardly hear his words as I tell myself to forget about Susan.

In dark places part 33A

Marcus

While making our to the shuttle bay the number of people we meet in the corridors increase. I regret ever leaving medlab in the first place. Soft footfalls make me turn around frantically and I imagine they're whispering behind my back. The confidence I earlier displayed now vanishes and I

maneuver myself in a position where I can hide behind Stephen's back. In the back of my mind I remember Shitaro's guards marching down the corridor to come and get me. I swallow nervously and almost stumble over my feet as the corridor changes in to the cell on Shitaro's cruiser. I'm losing my grip on reality and the worst thing is that I know it!

Stephen immediately reacts and stops me in my tracks. It's uncanny the way he knows when I need a reality check.

"How much longer," I pant softly, as Stephen's hand rests on my chest. Resolved I shake it off and lean against the wall. I know what's happening. On the Ingata I had several anxiety attacks when the pressure became excruciating. Bowing my head I start to regulate my breathing, but it

doesn't work without Neroon's coaching. In panic I fight for breath as in my mind Shitaro lunges at my waist.

Several Earthforce soldiers stop, seeing me huddled against the wall, but Dalmar quickly moves in and shields me from their curious eyes. Gulping for breath I look pleadingly at Stephen. "Get me out of here!" I beg in a cracked tone.

Voices grow louder and footfalls sound like blasts, pounding at my temples. I sink to my knees as my feet stop supporting me. Harsh voices close in on me and suddenly I register one in particular, which sends me spiraling down in to the past. "It's Shitaro," I whisper and Dalmar extends his pike.

"There is no Minbari in sight, Marcus," Stephen says in a soothing tone and sits on his heels. "Come on, let me help you back to your feet."

Concerned, he wraps an arm around my shoulder, but in my mind it's Shitaro reaching out for me, ready to drag me down the corridor. "Don't touch me!" I hiss and bite my lip until it bleeds.

Stephen and Dalmar exchange glances and it takes them a moment to decide on what action to take. All the while I sit kneeling on the floor, trying hard to visualize Neroon's face, his eyes. "Please make it stop," I whisper in despair, reaching out for Neroon's support. Then I remember he's dead and a keening wail leaves my lips.

"Marcus, listen to me, focus on my voice," Stephen says, obviously taken aback. "It’s just memories. Something here reminded you of the past."

His hands are rubbing my back and slowly I regain control of my emotions.

"They're just associations," Stephen says reassuringly. "You're safe, Marcus."

Slowly I draw in deep breaths. I never expected the memories to come crashing in like this. What triggered them? Peeking, I realize Dalmar almost cleared the corridor. One person stood her ground and refused to leave. Her big blue eyes stare at mine in apparent shock.

"No, not Susan," I whimper and claw at Stephen's clothes. "I can't face her."

Stephen also seems upset. "I didn't know she would be here," he says in a soft tone. "You've got to face her sooner or later, Marcus."

Slowly, Stephen pulls me to my feet and Dalmar closes his pike, but his gaze remains alert. I feel incredibly embarrassed; knowing Susan witnessed my temporary break down. Avoiding her eyes at all cost I lean heavily against the wall. Dalmar hands me my pike, which fell from my hands.

Susan straightens out her uniform and then starts approaching us. I wonder if there's way out, a corridor I can vanish in to, but Stephen has a tight hold on me. There's no way of escape and I raise my defenses. I managed to shut out people before and I convince myself I'm all alone. There's no one close and I start counting in my head, like I did when Neroon first tried making me open up. One, two, three...

"Marcus?" Stephen says concerned. "Marcus, what the hell are you doing?"

Four, five, six...

"Stephen, what's wrong with him?" Susan asks in a shaky tone.

"He's shutting us out because he's scared," Stephen realizes and turns me around. "Marcus, talk to me!"

Seven, eight, nine...

"Stephen, do something, this isn't healthy!" Susan exclaims in a startled tone.

It's her tone that forces me to return to reality. I don't want to scare her and I feel bad for showing my weakness in front of her. "I'm sorry," I apologize in an emotionless tone.

My shoulders slump forward as sudden blackness clouds my glance. I sway on my feet and only Stephen's tight hold prevents me from dropping on to the floor. "I'm dizzy," I whisper, uncertain anyone can hear me. Where the hell am I anyway? The Ingata? No... Babylon 5...

"Let's get you onboard the Ingata," Stephen says concerned. "Susan...?"

I can tell he's still trying to convince her to come along, but what Stephen doesn't understand is that Susan doesn't care about me and even if she did... her past is filled with disappointments and smashed relationships. She has given up and won't try again. I realized that right from the start. The first time I read her file everything fell in to place and I understood why she distanced herself from me. I settled for loving her from afar.

"No," Susan says in a chilling tone, "I've given you my answer already and am not about to change it!"

Her tone is icy cold, yet I notice the tremors rocking it. "Stephen, let's get out of here," I urge him on in a lucid moment. The last thing I want is to beg for her sympathy. I don't have much dignity left and I want to hold on to it. Now that I accepted her rejection I can look at her.

Her expression takes my breath away. She looks startled, her eyes are big and she's licking her lips in a nervous way. As she flips back her hair I catch the elegance of her movements and stare at my own hands. Way out of our your league, Cole, I berate myself.

I don't know why we're still standing here, but I'm getting nervous again and I don't want to suffer another anxiety attack in this corridor. "I want to start moving," I whisper and my cracked voice startles me. I need to sit down and get a grip on my emotions again.

"Yes, sure," Stephen whispers distraught.

"Want me to clear the shuttle bay for you?" Susan offers in a similar upset tone as Stephen's.

"That would be great," Stephen replies painfully polite.

This time I hear the sneer in his tone. Great, now Stephen is angry with Susan because of me. I need to get off the station as quickly as possible! I start walking, trying to pull Stephen along with me. Finally he gets the idea and supports me on our way through the corridor.

"Marcus?"

Susan's voice calls me back and I freeze in my tracks, wanting nothing more than being inside Neroon's quarters where I can pretend this encounter never happened. Her rejection, her refusal to help me stings deeply. "I don't know if I can do this, Stephen!" I say in a broken tone and Stephen nods, understanding my dilemma, but unable to interfere as she addressed me personally. "Yes?" I say without turning about.

"I hope you'll get better soon," she says in a tone almost too soft to hear.

"Will do my best," I reply confused. Why is she suddenly acting concerned? "Stephen, I'm going to collapse soon." And I'm serious. The dark swimming in front of my eyes is growing worse and I feel nauseous to a point where I fear the dry heaves will reappear.

"I've got you," Stephen says in a firm tone.

I allow him to pull me along, not even once looking back at Susan. I need to get out of here. This place is suffocating me!

In dark places part 33B

Susan

I quickly place a call to Stationhouse to order the shuttle bay cleared and thankfully Garibaldi doesn't ask any questions after he learns it's about Marcus. Hell, my knees are about to give out on me and I follow Marcus' example and lean against the wall for support. I can't believe I acted like

such a bitch!

I never realized Marcus was that bad and... did Stephen tell him I refused to accompany him to Minbar? I've seldom felt this depressed and angry with myself. The hurt look in Marcus' eyes is impossible to forget and keeps taunting me. He needs my help and I turned my back on him!

Dammit, Stephen is right. I can help Marcus. Help him in ways Stephen can't, but... I'm too scared to take that step and admit it. I've got to protect myself from getting hurt again! But Marcus' eyes... The pain in them makes me sad. I've seen that expression before, only days before Sophie took her life. I can't live through that again. Yes, I made the right decision. Marcus will recover because he has Stephen to support and guide him.

As the small group leaves the corridor I feel saddened and ashamed for not having the guts to accept Stephen's offer. I should be the one accompanying Marcus to Minbar! What makes things even more painful is that I know Marcus would support me in a heartbeat and never ask anything in return.

"Damn!" I curse aloud the moment they've disappeared from view. "Marcus never deserved this! Why is life so fucking unfair!" But I don't get an answer and the officer who turns around the corner avoids making eye contact and vanishes quickly.

I wish I could go to C&C and forget my worries, but my shift just ended and I'm off duty tomorrow. "Perfect timing," I sneer at myself. Looking about, I realize I need to get out of the corridor, but where to go? My quarters? Not likely. I might be tempted to open that vodka bottle that has been sitting in the kitchen cupboard for over a year now. I don't want to end up drunk.

The Zocalo? I'm not sure about that either. Crowds always make me feel uncomfortable, but there might be a nice secluded spot in the back of a bar. While making up my mind I start walking towards the elevator, hoping it will be empty. I don't want to run in to a familiar face, as I'm not in the mood to pretend I'm fine. I did that for far too long and it has worn me down. How much longer until I reach my break point?

"Damn!" I curse as the elevator doors open. Garibaldi's smug face grins back at me. "My timing is getting better all the time!" I whisper embittered and wonder what excuse will justify turning around to leave.

"Susan? Where are you headed?" Garibaldi asks curiously.

Usually I would reply with a nasty remark, but I can't think up one right now. "A bar in Down Below."

Garibaldi raises an eyebrow. "You? Why would you want to do that?"

"I need a drink," I state annoyed. Why did he have to be inside that elevator?

"Let me guess... you ran in to Marcus and didn't like what you saw?"

Michael gestures me to step inside and I feel trapped. I should have known he would pick up on it. He might even know me better than John, I realize, remembering him not telling on me when I used Gold Channel to talk to my father when he was dying. I can trust Michael...

"Yes," I reply eventually. "Looked like he was reliving some nasty memories when I bumped in to him. It's a good thing Stephen is going to stay with him on Minbar. Marcus needs medical supervision."

Garibaldi tells the elevator to take us to Down Below. "Stephen was kind of hoping you would do that," Michael says in a soft tone.

Inwardly I cringe. Is it that obvious? "Do you think I should have gone instead of Stephen?" I ask as the elevator comes to a stop. Lost in thought I follow Michael as he leads me to a seedy bar, which still has a lot of empty places in the back. We sit down and I'm still waiting for his answer.

"Want me to tell you the truth?" he asks and gestures the waitress to come to the table. He doesn't bother to ask me what I want and simply orders caff. Well, I don't think drinking alcohol now is a good idea any way and don't object. A moment later the caff arrives and I take a sip from it. Nothing can beat the real coffee I keep hidden in my quarters.

"Now tell me what's bothering you," Michael says in a relaxed tone as he curls his fingers around the mug.

"Tell you what's bothering me?" I repeat in a surprised tone. Michael has been there for me when I needed him, but I never expected this move.

"Come on, Susan. I know you! I recognize that look in your eyes. We both looked like that when we found out about Talia's implanted personality."

He's right, dammit. That's a pain we share, Talia's betrayal. "You liked her," I state with certainty.

"Yes, but she wasn't interested in me... no matter how hard I tried ending up in the same elevator to talk to her," he says jokingly. "But Marcus is interested in you and no matter how much you want to deny it, you're interested in him as well. The poor devil," Michael chuckles, "Too bad

Marcus feels so intimidated by you or he might actually make a move!"

His frank tone takes me aback and tired of all the games I've been playing I say, "Intimidated? By me? You must be kidding me! I don't think Marcus scares that easily!" But he's got a point all right.

"Okay, intimidated might not be the right word, but you know what the fear of rejection can do to a person!" Garibaldi says in a slightly berating tone and tells the waitress he wants a refill.

I haven't touched my coffee since he brought up Marcus. Suddenly, everything falls in to place. "Fear of rejection..." Marcus might know about my personal history. Being a ranger he might have found a way to access it. Perhaps he concluded he didn't have a chance to begin with and I have to ask myself, what if he hadn't returned injured from this mission? Would I have realized how concerned I am for him?

"A friend once told me that it's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all," Garibaldi states, "and I agree."

"You surprise me," I admit, seeing a side to his personality that I never fully realized was there.

"Give yourself some time to think this over. Maybe Marcus being away isn't such a bad thing. You'll miss him and... maybe find the courage to make a few decisions. We only realize what we had once we lose it," he adds in a thoughtful tone.

"Thinking about Lise?" I whisper and empty my mug.

"Yes. You know there comes a point when you think that you can't screw things up worse than they already are and then... boom, reality hits you in the face again and you realize you fucked up again."

His words make my heart pound. That's what I told Stephen. "What's one more mistake?" I whisper aloud and shake my head.

"Susan?" Michael asks, as he didn't catch those last words.

"I'm starting to realize something," I admit and get to my feet. "I've got a lot of thinking to do," I say and take some steps away from the table. "Thanks for listening."

"No problem," Michael says pleased.

Walking towards the elevator I sigh. I wasn't lying to Garibaldi. I need to think a lot of things over and one of them is Marcus... Can I try one more time and make this relationship work knowing what he's been through? The answer to that question can change my life =if= I'm brave enough to face the truth.

In dark places part 34

Franklin

I keep a close eye on Marcus as we board the shuttle. I've never before been onboard a Minbari war cruiser and feel slightly worried, but knowing Langar has already taken care of our quarters I relax a little. Vallo and Dalmar pilot the shuttle and obvious concern shines from their eyes. I must admit Marcus' break down earlier has shaken me as well. I didn't expect it, but it serves to remind me that Marcus still has a long road to recovery ahead of him.

Observing my friend and patient I realize his eyes have closed, but he isn't asleep yet. I'm rather relieved to learn that he didn't have any nightmares when he was asleep earlier. "How do you feel now, Marcus? Better?" I inquire concerned.

"Yes," Marcus whispers softly and opens one eye to peek.

"Want to talk about what happened before we left?" I probe gently. The last thing I want is to pressure him in to answering my questions. Only Marcus can decide when he's ready to tell me about his fears.

"Not really," he replies fatigued. "I don't want to think about it." Marcus crosses his arms in front of his chest and takes a few deep breaths.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I might be a doctor, but certainly no psychologist. I've got to rely on my instincts. "How long before we reach the ship?" I ask, trying to distract Marcus from worrying about his anxiety attack.

"Only a few minutes," he replies. "I'm not sure though where we'll be staying onboard the Ingata."

His voice sounds melancholy and I realize I'll have to do my best to reassure him that he can confide in me. "Where did you stay before?"

"Neroon's quarters, but I doubt they'll let us stay there now that Neroon is... gone."

That last word carries great sorrow and I can't help but reassuringly squeeze his left hand. Marcus reluctantly allows it. "When do you want to get your hands fixed?" I want to know. I can correct the bone structure within the hour, if he'll let me. Langar told me there are medical

facilities on the Ingata and at Neroon's home in Yedor.

"I don't know," Marcus whispers, "What's the point? There's no way I can ever wield a pike again."

"That's not true," I berate him. "You can't give up Marcus. You never have in the past." I want to encourage him so badly, but know that the real change needs to take place within his mind. Suddenly I think about the things Langar that told me about Neroon and Marcus. "Neroon wouldn't want you to give up, now would he?"

Marcus smiles weakly. "No, Neroon would never allow that."

The tone of his voice has changed and I'm determined to press him a little further. "What kind of man was Neroon? I never met him." Marcus remains quiet for a moment as he gathers his thoughts. This must be hard on him. If only Delenn hadn't taken him to the station! "You never got a chance to say good-bye to him, did you?" Marcus shoots me an odd look that I can't describe. It's like... pain and relief mixed in to one.

"I dreamt of him," Marcus starts hesitantly and averts his eyes.

"When?" I want him to talk about this recent loss. While keeping one eye on the two Minbari I register the outline of the war cruiser on screen. It's quite an impressive vessel!

"When you fed me the sleeping meds onboard the station. I..." Marcus pauses, looks up and wipes a tear from his face. "He seemed so bloody real! In my dream I could touch him and he answered my questions... I never experienced a dream that real!"

Marcus looks pleadingly at me and I know which question burns his lips. "It's okay, Marcus," I reassure him. "You've found a way to start dealing with his death. There are many ways to cope with the loss of a loved one. You're not ready yet to let him go." I nod my head, as I finally understand why Marcus was free of nightmares. "It's a comforting thought to know he's still there for you in your dreams, isn't it?"

"I was scared you'd think I'd gone mad," Marcus whispers relieved. "I honestly thought I had lost all sense of reality."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," I reply and smile as Marcus squeezes my hand in return. His dreams must have worried him.

"We are going to dock the shuttle," Vallo says in a calm tone.

But his eyes are dark and I wonder what these two Minbari think of Marcus. Do they really care for him or are they only acting in this way because their sense of honor compels them to do so? I shake off those thoughts and concentrate on Marcus who managed to get to his feet on his own. "Are you okay?" I ask concerned, seeing the haunted expression in his eyes.

"No," he mumbles in a barely audible tone as we leave the shuttle.

Vallo and Dalmar are walking in front of us and Marcus bows his head, trying to avoid curious looks the crewmembers shoot him. "Why not?" I ask, staying at Marcus' side and I carefully wrap an arm around his waist as he stumbles.

"I expect to see Neroon around every corner," he replies in a muffled tone.

"I understand," I assure him and follow the two Minbari in to another corridor. We encounter several Minbari warriors and it strikes me as odd that they don't stare at us. "Why are they looking at the floor?" I ask Marcus, feeling uncomfortable as they avoid making eye contact.

Marcus eyes me confused and then peeks at the warriors leaving the corridor.

"I don't know," he stutters. "Maybe you should ask Dalmar or Vallo."

I shrug it off and study Marcus' features. "You look tired."

"I feel tired," Marcus admits and sighs. "I wish I could lay down and get some sleep."

"Only a few more moments," Dalmar says unexpectedly. "We're only feet away from your quarters."

That remark arouses Marcus' attention and he looks up to get his bearings. The color drains from his face as he realizes where he is.

"But... this is where Neroon has... had his quarters," he states in a shaky tone.

"Yes," Dalmar confirms and opens the door. "And they are yours now."

Dalmar gestures us to step inside, but I leave it up to Marcus whether he wants to accept that invitation or not.

"I can't... " he whispers and trembles looking inside. "These are Neroon's rooms, not mine. It isn't proper to..."

Marcus' voice falters and Dalmar cocks his head and says, "Alit Neroon declared you his mate and by Minbari law you're entitled to use them."

Surprised, I raise an eyebrow. "You didn't mention that little detail to me," I chide Marcus kindly.

"I... still don't feel like I deserve that honor." Marcus stares at the floor and remains motionless.

I can only guess at his thoughts, but his statement reveals his true emotions. "Come on, Marcus. I'm sure Neroon would want you to stay here." My heart goes out to him, seeing him distraught like this. "He loved you, didn't he?" I mimic Dalmar's technique; knowing Marcus has to admit the truth to himself first. I carefully pull him inside as Marcus doesn't resist and I smile seeing the bed in the corner of the room. "I want the bed," I say jokingly. "=You= can sleep on a Minbari platform. I'd only fall off all the time and you don't want a cranky doc!"

I feel relieved as Marcus smiles. "You like being here. Admit it," I say teasingly as Marcus sits down on the sofa. He seems comfortable here and rests his head against the pillows. "I take it you don't have caff up here?"

"Caff?" Marcus repeats and opens his eyes. "No, but I do know Neroon keeps... kept teabags in the kitchen."

Dalmar and Vallo excuse themselves and suddenly I'm alone with Marcus. "Want me to prepare tea?"

"I'd like that," Marcus admits and gestures to the kitchen. "Want me to help you?"

"Just tell me where I can find the tea," I say and walk in to the kitchen area. Everything seems properly organized and I quickly figure out how to boil water. Marcus suddenly stands behind me and I look up, as I didn't hear him approach.

"Open that cupboard," he says.

I open it and find the teabags. "Why don't you sit down again? I'll take the tea with me?” I suggest. Marcus' eyes are swimming. "This is hard on you," I speak my thoughts aloud. "It's okay to acknowledge that."

Marcus nods his head once and curls his fingers around the kitchen counter. "I last saw Neroon in here. We had just had dinner, which he had cooked himself, and I dreaded his departure. Neroon assured me he would be back within hours, but I knew something was wrong. My hands were tied though, as I couldn't stop him from going to Varanni. The civil war had to be stopped."

I guide Marcus back to the couch and sit him down. "Langar told me you watched him die?"

"Yes, he was blasted to pieces," Marcus says shaken. "I still can't believe it happened. I feel like he will walk inside at any given moment."

I'm pleased Marcus is talking about Neroon. I had feared it would take a lot of convincing to address the Minbari. But Marcus needs to talk about him and I gladly listen. "Are you mad at him for leaving you like he did?"

"In the beginning... yes." Marcus smiles weakly. "But not any longer."

"What changed?"

"I talked to him in that dream and he explained to me why he did it."

Marcus stops talking and I use that moment to get the tea. Handing him the mug he sips from it. "When you now think of him, what do you feel?" I ask in a soft tone, intent to keep him talking and not shattering the sense of trust, which is forming between us. If we hadn't been friends to start with, it would have proven nearly impossible to get through to him.

"Feel?" Marcus says and thinks it over. "I feel alone, incomplete without him."

"What about anger?" I inquire, as his answer surprises me.

"Anger?" Marcus shakes his head. "No, not aimed at Neroon. Had I been in his place I would have interfered as well. No way I could let Delenn die. We are... were very much alike. I guess that's why I trusted him."

As he's talking Marcus started to relax and half closed his eyes. The cup is slipping from his fingers and I quickly place it on the table. "I wish I had known him," I admit sincerely.

"You would have liked him," Marcus says and grins. "Neroon had a great sense of humor."

Looking about I realize we'll be sending the next two days cooped up in here. "I'll take the couch," I state and watch his eyes. The gloomy veil is gone and they shine confidently. "You need to talk about Neroon and his death."

"I know," Marcus states and slowly pulls his knees to his chest. "I appreciate you listening to me rave."

"You don't rave," I say teasingly. "But... " I pause and change the subject. "I do want you to think about having those hands corrected. Neroon would want you to be able to use them in a normal way." Nodding my head I realize I'm holding a trump. Marcus will want to honor Neroon's memory and thus do his best to recover.

"Why?" Marcus asks in a lost tone. "I don't think I can ever again wield a pike."

The silence which follows tell me Marcus wanted to add something to that statement, but then reconsidered. "But what?"

"Neroon promised to help me get back in to shape," Marcus says depressed. "Now that he's gone..."

"I'm sure Dalmar is a great sparring partner as well." I hand him the tea and this time Marcus empties it.

"I'm glad you're here," Marcus confesses in an emotional tone.

His smile is hesitant and his eyes only meet mine reluctantly. "We're friends, Marcus and I'm glad you're letting me in." Marcus closes his eyes and his grip on my hand loosens. "I'll ask Dalmar

whether he can get us something to eat," I inform him. Getting to my feet I realize Marcus feels safe here. "Why not rest in bed?"

"I feel comfortable here," Marcus reveals. "Neroon used to read to me here on the sofa."

I notice the book underneath his fingertips. "He got you real books?"

"After I told him I liked to read, yes," Marcus says while his fingers caress the cover of the book. "His smell still lingers in here. His things are still here."

"Take your time dealing with this," I advise him and I'm relieved I insisted Marcus had to go to Minbar. The tension he displayed while on Babylon 5 is gone now.

"I'll need a lot of time to say good-bye to Neroon," Marcus whispers in a choked tone.

In dark places part 35

Marcus

I peek at Stephen's face after lying down on the bed. At my request he only dimmed the lights in the quarters. I still don't feel comfortable in the dark, even here, where I know I'm safe.

Rather unexpectedly Dalmar served us dinner two hours ago and Stephen encouraged me to read after we finished the meal. I managed to read a few pages, but my thoughts kept drifting off to Neroon. He had such a great voice and I loved to listen to him read for me.

"Is there anything you need or want me to do before going to sleep?" Stephen asks as he's placing blankets and pillows on the sofa.

"No, thanks. I'm fine," I assure him. It's the truth. Being here feels familiar and I automatically lowered my walls, associating Neroon's quarters with pleasurable feelings. "But I'm not tired. I've been sleeping too much lately!" I object weakly.

"Try anyway!" Stephen says as he stretches his body on the couch.

I close my eyes and smile. I never expected Stephen to stay at my side. He knows what I've been through and yet... Neroon would have liked him.

"Thinking about Neroon?" Stephen inquires as sleep eludes him too.

"Yes," I admit, remembering how he used to pull me close in sleep. I miss snuggling up to him. Feeling lonely I turn on to my side so I can get a better view of Stephen's face. "Have you ever been madly in love?" I ask hesitantly.

"Madly?" Stephen repeats amused and sits upright, resting his back against the pillow. "Let me think that one over... no, not madly!" he adds in a teasing tone. "Have you?"

"I don't know," I start, "Neroon however was. He told me that he was =madly= in love with me. Can you imagine that? A year ago he cracked three of my ribs!" I can't help chuckling at that memory. "Neroon also admitted he started to feel attracted to me after that fight. We wasted a year," I continue, suddenly feeling depressed. "That's my biggest regret," I say shaken. "That we only spent so little time together."

Stephen nods his understanding. "I know that feeling."

A sad expression clouds his eyes and I know he went through something similar himself. "I'm sorry," I say honestly.

"You know, Marcus," Stephen says and looks at the ceiling. "There's someone else who's interested in you... romantically."

Hearing that statement I stare at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Susan."

I laugh embittered, wondering what he's thinking. "Susan isn't interested in me! I told you that before!"

"That isn't true," Stephen replies in a berating tone. "We both know she was hurt in previous relationships and lost the ability to trust, but..." he says with a sly grin, "I wouldn't be surprised should she show up in Yedor shortly."

"Stephen," I say fatigued, "stop talking about her."

Stephen shrugs his shoulders, apparently giving in, but I know better. He's only waiting for the right opportunity to bring Susan up again. "Seriously, let it rest."

"If it upsets you this much, I will," Stephen says and shifts on the couch until he's comfortable. "Get some sleep."

I grow silent, listening to his breathing. Knowing he's near relaxes me. Drawing in a deep breath I filter out Neroon's scent. He's still here, his presence still guarding me. Maybe I'll dream of him again, although I doubt I'll be that lucky. He sounded very final in that last dream.

As I study Stephen's breathing I realize he's fallen asleep and I let go of the restraint I've been holding on to. Saddened I remember Neroon's voice, that velvet like, hypnotic voice and slowly it lures me in to sleep.

"Where am I?" I whisper and scan these alien surroundings. I'm standing in the center of a room that looks an awful lot like an office. It's filled with scrolls, crystals and ancient looking maps. There are large windows, but they lack glass. The wind pushes a gentle breeze in to the room and the sun is about to set. The wooden bookcases definitely look expensive. I've never been here before and puzzled I turn around to take in the rest of the room. Soft harp like music is played in the background. This feels... familiar. Why?

"Marcus? What in Valen's name are you doing here?"

My heart misses a beat recognizing that voice. I'd hoped to find him in this dreamscape, but never expected to succeed. "Neroon?" I whisper relieved and discover him standing in one of the corners of the room, reading a scroll.

"I missed you!" I exclaim and head in his direction. Instead of pulling me to his chest he gestures me to stop.

"What are you doing, Marcus? I'm dead. You need to let me go!" His eyes are calm, but his tone is definitely upset.

"Everything is fine, Neroon," I assure him and grab his hands. Neroon doesn't pull back, but stares in to my eyes. "I told Stephen about my dreams and he thinks it's just my own way of dealing with your sudden death." As I say the words they stop making sense to me. "Maybe I'm wrong," I whisper and distance myself from Neroon. If he doesn't want me here...

"Marcus, all I'm saying is that you should seek comfort among the living!" Neroon says in a soft tone.

He wraps his arm around my waist and I release a strangled sigh. Leaning in to the embrace I quiver, sensing his body warmth. "The weird thing is," I admit, "that you feel so real!"

"You also feel real to me," Neroon whispers.

His tone takes my breath away. Soft lips trail down my neck and suckle my flesh. Turning around in his arms I take in his expression. He looks tired. "Where are we?" I finally ask, having no clue why he appeared in this setting.

"This is my study at Yedor. You'll be here shortly," Neroon replies.

Planting soft kisses on my skin he clutches my face in both his hands.

"You've got to let go, Marcus."

"I can't do that yet. Give me time, Neroon." I lose myself staring into his dark eyes. "Why did you have to die on me?"

"I wish I could change the course of time so I could be with you, but..."

Neroon walks me over to his desk and as he sits down he pulls me on his lap. This time I don't feel awkward or scared and I caress his face. "I still love you," I whisper brokenly.

"And I love you too, Marcus, but you must find people who are still alive to love you."

Neroon's expression is serious. "I'll work on it," I promise and hook my fingers behind his neck. I wish I could stay here forever. "That reminds me...do you approve of me going to Yedor to stay at your residence?"

"Marcus, my home is yours now and so are my possessions. You'll have to manage them now."

Confused, I shake my head. "What are you talking about? Dalmar already put Stephen and me in your quarters, though I think that's... wrong."

"Why?" Neroon asks in a loud tone.

"It's yours... I feel like I'm intruding."

"Marcus, you never seize to amaze me. You should know I'd want you to use them!" Neroon smiles warmly.

Exploring fingers move along my collarbone and I sigh contented. "I guess you're right."

"Anything else you might want to ask me?" Neroon inquires softly.

I trace his lips with a curled finger. "Do you think I should have my hands corrected?" I ask hesitantly. Neroon gently takes my hands in his and studies them.

"Yes, have them corrected and ask Dalmar to work out with you. I'm sorry I can't train you personally."

Regret sounds in his voice and I want to ease that pain. "I know you wanted to spar with me."

"Beware of Shitaro," Neroon suddenly states. "He's facing a conviction by the High Court and will do his best to intimidate you."

Shitaro's name startles me. "Why say that now?" I ask and shiver.

"Because you can't ignore the threat he presents. The High Court will strip him of his rank should he be found guilty and with Hirano testifying to the way he treated you and other prisoners I think there's a good chance the judges will declare him guilty," Neroon says and nods his head. "You must be careful. Dalmar will watch over you, but..."

"So that's why you made him my aide!" I suddenly understand that stipulation.

"Yes, I told you the crew would keep you safe if something happened to me. The crew is loyal to you," Neroon whispers.

He softly blows in to my ear and I quaver, realizing his breath is hot. Savoring the soft caress I listen to his heartbeat. =His heartbeat!= "I don't understand," I stutter, feeling a pulse underneath my fingertips.

"You've got to return to reality now and wake up," Neroon decides in a determined manner.

"I fear the nightmares," I mumble softly. "Can I fall asleep in a dream?" I wonder confused. "I want to sleep in your arms."

"In my arms?" Neroon quips amused and smiles. "I'll allow you to stay a little longer if you try and calm down."

"Going to sleep in a dream," I say confused, "But I'll try it if that means I can stay here."

"Then close your eyes," Neroon says seductively.

I immediately obey and devour every word he speaks.

"I'm holding you and your dreams will be filled with peace."

I chuckle. Neroon sounds too damn poetic.

"What?" he questions.

"Nothing," I whisper and inhale his scent.

"Yes, I'll always be at your side," Neroon says reassuringly.

Hours later I start my ascent to reality as Stephen wakes me from my undisturbed sleep. "Stephen?" Confused I check my surroundings. I'm back in Neroon's quarters on the Ingata and I smell tea and the freshly baked sweet bread the Minbari are so found of.

"It's breakfast time," Stephen says in a chipper tone. "Vallo already set the table and even made tea."

Slowly, I struggle to my feet and realize I could do with a shower.

"Must admit Neroon has a fabulous bathroom! It's more like a swimming pool!" Stephen quips.

Only now I notice a few drops of water on his skin. "That was the same thing I thought!" I reply, feeling rested. "I think I'm going to take a bath before joining you for breakfast." Energetic, I get to my feet.

"You seem a lot better since we arrived here!" Stephen remarks pleased.

I'm not sure I should tell him about my dream. Stephen assured me it's my way of dealing with Neroon's death, but I hesitate nonetheless. How can I explain the setting of that dream? What if I find Neroon's study looks exactly like in my dream? "I dreamt about Neroon," I say and wait for his reaction.

"That certainly explains your good mood," Stephen replies in a neutral tone.

Reassuringly he slaps me on my shoulder.

"I'll wait for you with breakfast, but don't take too long!"

Not sure what to make of my dream I stroll in to the bathroom. The pool is filled with warm water and after shedding my clothes I glide in to it. I wish Neroon were here to talk to me, but as I wash my hair I realize he's right. I've got to focus on the living for support. "At least Stephen's at

my side," I mumble as Neroon's warning returns to me. Beware of Shitaro, he said and shivers run down my spine thinking about a possible confrontation.

In dark places part 36

Marcus

"So Marcus, did you consider my offer to fix your hands?"

Stephen's voice sounds calm and controlled; yet I know he's hoping I'll say yes. I still waver, but then I remember Neroon's words, telling me to have the correction done. I must be mad to trust a dream image, but Neroon felt so bloody real underneath my fingertips! I sensed his heartbeat and pulse! "Yes, I've considered your offer." I start and turn around to look at him. "You can do it."

"Great!" Stephen says enthusiastically. "I'll contact Langar and we can get to work on it later today!"

I reach for my teacup and realize Vallo left it behind when he cleaned the kitchen after dinner. The day has passed by uneventfully and I've been reading most of the time. Stephen undertook a few efforts to discuss Shitaro with me, but I ignored his attempts. Neroon's warning still echoes in my mind. I knew this would happen some day!

"Marcus? I'm not giving up this time!" Stephen says and walks over to the couch. "Something is eating you! I see it in your eyes. You're acting cheerfully, but I'm not buying it! Spit it out!"

I chuckle softly hearing his upset tone, which reminds me of Neroon reprimanding when I bottled up all my fears. As I ponder the similarities between them, I know I can entrust my apprehension to him. "I'm scared," I finally admit.

"Scared of what?" Stephen inquires in a soft tone.

He's now standing beside me and I read concern in his eyes. "Shitaro." After I pronounced the name I shiver.

"All day you avoided talking about him, Marcus." Stephen shakes his head. "And now you're admitting you're scared? Of him?"

I accept the soft reproach. Stephen has tried his best to convince me to enlist his help. I bow my head and stare at my feet. Something tells me that I shouldn't bring up the dream or Neroon warning me. So I decide on a different approach. "Before Neroon died he told me the High Court was

pressing charges against Shitaro for the way he..." I pause to catch my breath. "Knowing Shitaro he'll do anything to prevent a conviction. The Court would strip him off his rank, you see." Surprised I observe Stephen as consternation shows on his face.

"Strip him off his rank?" Stephen repeats upset. "That's it? He deserves..."

"Stephen," I say, stopping him in time. "Don't go there."

"Why not?" he questions.

Suddenly his eyes start to simmer and I hold my breath. Usually Stephen is in perfect control of his emotions, but this time I fear he's going to blow.

"Considering the things he did to you..."

"Stephen, stop it!" I say pleadingly. I'm mentally not up for this discussion. "I just want to forget what he did to me!"

"I understand," Stephen whispers, settling down and regaining control over his emotions. "But when I think of the pain he inflicted on you..."

Ashamed, I turn my back on him. "I didn't do anything to stop him!" I suddenly burst out in an emotional tone. "I could have tried to stop him!" Burying my head in my hands I lean against the wall. "Don't you understand? I let him do it!" This thought, this feeling of guilt has been there from

the start, but I never acknowledged it. "I am... was a ranger, dammit! I should have taken the poison when I still had a chance!"

"Marcus, sit down," Stephen says in a soothing tone.

I allow him to walk me to the couch and as his hands gently push me down I give in. I stare at my deformed hands and am once more reminded of what Shitaro did to me. "I should have stopped him!" I yelp in despair. Stephen's arm slips around my shoulders. Crying, I rest my head against his chest. Briefly, I imagine it's Neroon holding me and not Stephen.

"You're going through post traumatic stress, Marcus. You blame yourself and by doing that you're aiming all the anger at yourself."

I shake my head in denial. "Stephen, you weren't there. You can't possibly understand!"

"Then make me understand," he says pleadingly.

After adjusting my too rapid breathing to his, I clasp my hands and wonder what to say. Part of my mind is telling me Stephen is right.

"You've got to forgive yourself, Marcus," Stephen whispers compassionately. "You've got accept the fact that you had no control of that situation and being helpless is scary."

"How can I possibly forgive myself for the things Shitaro made me do? I should have said no!" I object fiercely. Stephen is trying to establish eye contact, but I'm avoiding his stare.

"Would it have made a difference? Saying no?" Stephen asks softly.

As I'm forced to consider that question I finally realize the truth. "No, it wouldn't have made a difference." I admit and return his gaze. "But I would have felt a lot better about myself had I fought harder."

"Marcus," Stephen starts and smiles gently, "I'm convinced that you fought Shitaro to the best of your abilities."

"You weren't there!" I still protest, but my tone has lost much of its intensity. "You don't know how degrading, how humiliating..." and suddenly I realize I'm doing exactly what Stephen wanted me to do all day. "I don't want to discuss this."

"Yes, you do and you must address it," Stephen nods his head. "But I think we should stop now. Tomorrow is another day."

"Why are you doing this?" I ask confused.

"Because you need to let go off the fear, the guilt and anger. Otherwise it'll poison your mind," Stephen explains patiently. "And now that Neroon isn't here any longer, someone else must help you face Shitaro."

Trembling, I sit back and pull a pillow on to my lap to fumble it. "I feel lost," I confess awkwardly. I'm not used to acknowledge my feelings and needs.

"But that feeling will disappear in time."

"I hope so," I whisper and press the pillow against my body. It still bears Neroon's scent. "Don't you need to contact Langar?" I say, hoping to have some moments to myself to compose myself. Stephen is learning too quickly how to push my buttons.

"Yes, you're right." Stephen gets up from the couch. "I think I'm going to check out the medical bay onboard as well. Do you want me to send for Vallo?"

"No, I'll be fine," I say reassuringly. "I'd like to be alone for a moment."

"Are you sure?" Stephen asks doubtfully.

"Yes." I shift on the sofa and reach for my book. "I'm going to read some more." I wish Stephen would go away! I want to be alone with my thoughts. I need to find order in this chaos.

"I'll be back shortly," Stephen whispers and after one last concerned and inquiring look, leaves the suite.

"I thought he'd never leave!" I whisper relieved and place the book back on the table. “Stephen's right, you know," I say, talking to... to whom? Maybe I expect Neroon to listen to me. Maybe I just need to hear a voice, dreading the silence around me. "I couldn't stop Shitaro and the one time I tried he had my ankles broken, but..."

Nervously I rise to my feet and open the pike. I slowly pace Neroon's quarters and as I pass his collection of crystals I remember the one with the waterfalls on it. The crystal is still in the player and a moment later soothing sounds fill the room. "I don't know, Neroon. I feel so ashamed,

remembering Shitaro overpowering me. How can I ever accept that?"

I'm disappointed as no one answers and freeze in my tracks, feeling abandoned. "You could have shown me ways to deal with this," I say accusingly. "But you had to die on me!" My body is trembling violently and I know I'm blaming the wrong person. "No, you tried to help me, Neroon. It's

Shitaro who... who... and I will get even with him! You wanted me to take him on once I was healed... It's the only way for me to put this behind me," I realize and sigh. "I'll have to work hard in order to get back in shape and I might even die challenging Shitaro to Denn'sha, but it's the only

way..."

"Marcus? Whom are you talking to?"

Dalmar entered and I didn't even notice it! Worried, he takes a step closer, yet keeps his distance. "I didn't hear you come inside," I explain and pull the brown robes closer to my body. After taking a shower earlier I slipped in to another set of Neroon's clothes. Stephen unpacked my duffel, but I feel more comfortable inhaling Neroon's scent. Remembering Dalmar's question I add, "I guess I was talking to Neroon. It's hard to believe he's gone forever."

"I caught myself opening a channel to report to him," Dalmar whispers. "The entire crew mourns with you."

"Thank you," I say sincerely. "I didn't know him that long, but... I miss him."

"He's badly missed," Dalmar agrees, "but his deeds and compassion will live on in our hearts."

Strangely touched by that remark I search Dalmar's eyes, building courage to ask him a question. Hopefully it won't put Dalmar in an uncomfortable situation. "Neroon promised to work out with me on the Denn'bok so I could one day challenge Shitaro to the death," I pause, as Dalmar's eyes grow big. I hesitate to continue, but in the end I say, "Now that he's... dead, would you help me get back in to shape?" Dalmar's dark expression worries me and I wonder if I offended him.

"I feel honored by that request and I'll do the best I can to train you."

Dalmar's reply makes me breathe a lot easier. "I doubt I will do well," I stutter slightly embarrassed and show him my hands. "Langar and Doctor Franklin will try to correct the fractures, but..."

"Have faith in them, Marcus," Dalmar says softly. "Langar is an excellent physician."

I briefly remain quiet, realizing how many people are determined to help me and I can't let them down. "So what brought you here to begin with?" I ask curiously.

"Neroon's last will," Dalmar replies and looks about, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "There are a number of stipulations you might not know about yet."

I sink down on the sofa as my left ankle starts to hurt. "What stipulations?" I ask confused. Seeing his expression I add, "I haven't read it yet."

"Do you know anything about warrior cast traditions?" Dalmar inquires intrigued.

"No," I've got to admit. "They weren't part of my ranger training."

"The most important thing you need to know is..." Dalmar looks up questioningly, "is that you're now in command of the Ingata. As Neroon's official mate you inherited the right of command."

Stunned, my eyes grow big. "Say again?" I stutter.

"You're in command of the Ingata," Dalmar repeats. "By Minbari custom everything Neroon owned is yours now. His residence at Yedor, the family heirlooms, everything is yours."

"But what about Neroon's next of kin?" I ask stupefied. Commanding the Ingata seems highly inappropriate!

"Neroon was the last of his dynasty. His blood relatives are dead. His parents died in the Earth Minbari war and he was an only child," Dalmar explains.

"What about uncles? Nephews? Nieces or grandparents?" I weakly object.

"Dead," Dalmar replies and then his eyes change expression. "The crew serves you now."

As Dalmar lowers his eyes and salutes me I choke up. I can't believe Neroon did this to me! "There must be some mistake..."

"No mistakes. Neroon's last will is completely legitimate," Dalmar states pleased. "I've got to return to the command center now... I'll instruct Langar to notify me the moment he thinks you're ready to take up training." Dalmar grins and quickly departs.

"I can't fucking believe this!" I exclaim and no longer pretend to be calm. I wonder where I left the copy Neroon gave me. "It's time I read that will!" My hands shake as they grab the valuable paper and unroll it. I've got to sit down again as I start reading Neroon's last will. "Oh my God!" I yelp. "It's true... Dalmar told me the truth."

In dark places part 37

Franklin

"Marcus? Are you ready to go?" I carefully peek inside, not wanting to invade Marcus' privacy. He sits on the sofa, clutching a piece of paper. Whatever is wrong, I'm determined to find out. After making my way to the couch I sit on my heels and study his eyes. Has he been crying? Marcus' eyes are definitely watered. "What brought you down?" I ask and try reading the words on the scroll. I can only make out Neroon's name, signed at the bottom and finally realize what this paper must be about.

"Neroon's will," Marcus whispers in a tone filled with pain. "You've got no idea what he did."

I'm about to ask Marcus for an explanation as he starts trembling underneath my fingertips. Reading Neroon's will upset him, but that's part of working through the loss and he has to know I'm here for him in case he needs to talk about it.

"He made me his heir," Marcus says in a spiteful tone. "He expects me to follow in his footsteps and to command the Ingata!"

The rage in his eyes takes me aback and I ask, "Why are you angry? What's wrong with Neroon's last will? I think you're perfect for that job." I suddenly feel drained. I thought I could handle Marcus' emotional outbursts, but now I'm not that sure anymore. How did Neroon cope with Marcus' mood swings?

"I can never live up to those expectations, Stephen," Marcus replies saddened. "Neroon was an accomplished warrior, an Alit and I..."

"You're a ranger," I end the sentence for him, wanting to lift his spirits.

"And a human!" Marcus objects and shakes his head. "How can I, a human, be in command of a Minbari war cruiser? The clan leaders will never accept that!"

"Don't worry about that," I admonish him. "That's beyond your control, remember?" The paper drops from his hands and the look he shoots me makes me shiver. "Come on," I say, opting for action instead of discussion, "Langer is waiting for us." I pull Marcus to his feet and as he extends his pike I wrap my arm around his waist. He seems extremely wobbly on his feet. Reading

Neroon's will must have shocked him.

"What did you expect, anyway?" I ask Marcus as the door closes behind us. "Neroon wanted you safe. Giving you command of the Ingata means his crew will back you up should Shitaro try getting to you."

"You're right," Marcus acknowledges, "but I never thought he would go this far!"

"He loved you," I whisper, uncertain what else I can say to make Marcus accept Neroon's will.

As we arrive Langar looks up from his medical instruments. He's patiently waiting to get started on Marcus, but first I need to tell Marcus something. "Marcus, we should discuss this surgical procedure."

"Yes?" Marcus sits down.

I gently take both his hands and put them on the exam table, palms facing up. A probing light is scanning the shattered bone structure and I keep a close eye on the readings. "The technique Langar used to reconstruct your ankle works best on Minbari. With humans, it takes much longer to heal. I want to use a laser to correct your hands."

"So?" Marcus asks confused and shrugs his shoulders.

His eyes are big with doubt and I rub his knuckles in an effort to comfort him and at the same time I examine his fingers, which are still flexible. "Your hands will only need a few days to recover instead of weeks. I know it's important to you to wield a pike again so I'll do the best I can."

"Go ahead and do it before I lose courage," Marcus replies in a shaky tone.

I wish I could make him understand that I know how hard this is on him. I've known Marcus for 2 years now and we've been in life threatening situations together. But he never caved in. Marcus never gave up, not even when the Vindrizi surrounded us! The idea of Marcus being afraid of a simple surgical procedure strikes me as unbelievable. But as I look in to his eyes I know he is. "First I'll give you something for the pain."

"That bad?" Marcus stutters apprehensively.

"I can't take the risk of you moving your hands because the pain overwhelms you," I explain. "But it will only take one hour to fix them. Langar will work on your right hand and I on your left." When Langar offered his assistance I instructed him what to do and once I was certain he could

perform the procedure I saw the advantage of doing it this way. Marcus' eyes drift off and finally rest on a pair of gloves. Langar showed them to me and I had to admit I never heard of the material before. But it will greatly speed up Marcus' recovery process. "Langar told me you've worn them before?"

"Yes, for a few weeks?" Marcus says questioningly and looks at Langar for confirmation.

"This time you're only required to wear them for two or three days," Langar says reassuringly.

I inject the pain medication in to Marcus' blood stream and watch his eyes. It's obvious he wishes this were already over and done. "The first few days you'll experience a burning sensation in your hands, more like a nagging ache. It will vanish quickly," I explain to Marcus as I start working on his hand. Langar sits down next to me and uses a second laser to correct Marcus' right wrist.

"They must have used brute force to break these bones!" I remark shuddering. Marcus' eyes tell me he's reliving parts of his captivity and a chill sneaks into my bones. "Marcus?"

"Yes?" he replies in an emotionless tone.

"Is the pain medication working?" I say in an attempt to pull him away from his melancholy.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"This will only take an hour," I say reassuringly, but realize this is demanding a lot of his mental resources. Maybe I should have put him to sleep instead.

Later that evening I stretch my body on the couch. This first day onboard the Ingata was more intense than I ever imagined possible. Marcus is eyeing the gloves suspiciously and I head over to his bed to sit next to him. "Let's have a look at them," I say and wait for him to extend his hands.

Marcus obeys and I slowly pull the glove from his right hand. "What do you think?" I inquire, showing him the results.

"They look... normal," Marcus admits after staring at his hands. "The deformity is gone. You and Langar did a great job."

"And tomorrow we will take care of your other ankle," I say determined, pleased that this newly developed technique is showing promising results. "I'm certain that you can start working out shortly." I gently flex some of Marcus' fingers and nod my head in contentment. "Try making a fist," I instruct and examine his other hand.

"It burns all right," Marcus whispers, but complies.

"Looks promising." Pleased, I pull the gloves back in place. "Give your hands 48 more hours to heal. We should try to get some shuteye in the mean time." Eyeing Marcus I realize he looks relaxed and calm. "Have you been thinking about Neroon's last will?" I want to know, remembering how much it upset him.

"There isn't much I can do," Marcus sighs and rests his hands in his lap. "I can either accept or refuse its consequences."

"What will you do?" I shift on the bed as Marcus lies down. His eyes close and I realize he feels comfortable having me this close. I add, "Whatever you do, you know I'll back you up and so will our friends on Babylon 5."

"Thanks, Stephen. I appreciate your... concern." Marcus slowly opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling. "I'll probably accept the terms stated in Neroon's will. Although I doubt I'm the right man to command the Ingata. I desperately want to stay at Yedor."

"Why?" I study him, seeing the sad expression in his darkened eyes.

"I want to find out more about Neroon," Marcus explains and sits upright. "I don't know that much about him."

"That makes sense," I agree and smile. "So does that mean you now also carry that Minbari title? What's it called?"

"Alit?" Confused, Marcus shakes his head. "I really don't know... I doubt it... Neroon was an Alit, but..."

"Ask Dalmar," I advise and return to my sofa. "When will we arrive on Minbar?"

"I guess we'll arrive tomorrow afternoon," Marcus replies and pulls the blanket over his body. Softly he tells the computer to dim the lights. "You know, Stephen I've been dreaming of Neroon ever since he died."

His voice carries an odd tone, which makes me observe his face closely. "You're still worried about that? I honestly think it's just your way of saying good-bye," I say trying to reassure him. "Enjoy Neroon's company, Marcus. It's a lot better than having nightmares."

"You've got a point there," Marcus admits and grins. "I hope I'll run in to him tonight."

Relieved to see him smile I can't help but worry a little about his dreams. It might be just his brain trying to cope with Neroon's death, but I learned long ago that Minbari tend to keep certain things a secret. What if there's more going on than meets the eye? Marcus claims he saw Neroon die, but what happened in reality? Determined to ask Delenn I doze off as well.

During the night Marcus' voice wakes me up. I sit upright and see the outline of his face in the dimmed lights. He's definitely talking in his sleep, but speaking too softly for me to understand the words. I get up and tiptoe over to the bed. Marcus' speech is slurred and the only word I can make out is Neroon. A smile suddenly illuminates his features and reassured I leave him to his dreams. Until I can talk to Delenn all I have are questions.

In dark places part 38

Marcus

“And again,” Stephen instructs resolved.

He has been pushing me over an hour now and I carefully make a fist with my right hand. The progress I’ve made since I had surgery takes me aback. Now, only 24 hours later I’m already capable of picking up items with my fingers.

“It’s amazing,” I compliment Stephen. “If I had known my hands could be that easily fixed, I would have had it done earlier.”

“Well, this particular technique is still considered experimental, Marcus.”

“I understand that.” I run an exploratory right hand down my leg to probe my ankle. Stephen corrected it a few hours ago and I wonder whether I’ll still need the pike to support me. “At one time,” I reveal to him, “I thought I’d be crippled for the rest of my life.”

Stephen’s compassionate eyes laugh at me. Dealing with my temper is taxing on him. Sometimes I’ll get depressed and at other times anger consumes me. I’ve got to find an outlet for these emotions. “When can I start working out with Dalmar?”

“Give it a few more days, Marcus. Your bones are still tender and need more time to heal completely,” Stephen says softly. “I know you’re eager to get back in shape, but you’re not yet ready.”

“Stephen?” I start hesitantly and wait for him to look up at me. “Are you… going to stay with me once we’ve reached Yedor or will you be leaving at once?” I hope he’ll stay, but I also realize he’s been neglecting his duties on the station.

“I’ll stay as long as you need me,” Stephen says and smiles. “You won’t get rid off me that easily!”

Relieved, I watch his fingers massage mine. Stephen wasn’t kidding when he mentioned I’d experience a burning sensation in my bones. It feels like my hands are burning up from the inside. I mention it to him, slightly concerned about it.

“It will be completely gone in a few days,” Stephen says reassuringly.

The communicator flashes on and Dalmar’s face appears. “Yes?” I say patiently, noticing his calm expression.

“We’ll arrive at Yedor in one hour.”

“Acknowledged,” I reply uncomfortably now that we’re getting close to Neroon’s home. “Anything I need to take care of before we arrive?”

“No, I’ll do that,” Dalmar says in a friendly tone. “Your hands have greatly improved,” he comments pleased, gesturing at them.

“Yes, they have,” I whisper in a similar tone. Dalmar then terminates the contact and I’m suddenly staring in to Stephen’s eyes. He licks his lips in a nervous way, a sure sign he wants to address something. “What is it?”

“I’ll inform Dalmar that you can start your training in 2 days,” Stephen announces mischievously.

I’m not sure how I feel about that. Yes, I want to work out, but that means I’ve got to shape up as well. No more hiding my fears, but tapping in to them to feed my energy. Am I ready to take that step? “Dalmar will be thrilled.”

“And you?” Stephen asks as he replaces the gloves.

“I feel like… ending one chapter in my life and starting a new one.” As I look at Stephen I see understanding in his expression. “I always counted on Neroon being there to build this new life with me. I miss him more than words can ever express. Last night I dreamt of him. We didn’t talk, but I slept in his arms, knowing he was guarding me. It made me feel safe and when I woke up… I felt empty,” I end depressed.

“What about Delenn?” Stephen asks. “Don’t you think she should know how you’re doing?”

“I’ll contact her once we reached Yedor,” I promise, realizing no matter how many times I deny it, I’m still a ranger and I owe it to Delenn to keep her updated.

One hour later our shuttle lands near Neroon’s home in Yedor. Vallo and Dalmar left a few minutes earlier, wanting to be there before we’d arrive. Dalmar opens the shuttle door and I gesture Stephen to step out first.

Peeking outside I see Vallo and Langar’s smiling faces and I draw in a deep breath before taking that final step. A moment later I’m standing on moist grass and look up at a very impressive building, constructed out of colored glass and metal. The glass reflects the sunlight, causing all kind of new colors to spread through the air.

“Welcome,” Langar says and smiles. “This is your new home, Marcus.”

I appreciate the fact that they want me to feel welcome and as I walk inside I’m surprised to see hundreds of lights twinkling in the corridor, which leads to the main hall. “Are those candles?” I ask uncertain.

“Yes, scented candles from the temple of Valeria. The priestesses always bless them before they’re lit,” Langar explains.

A lovely fragrance fills the corridor and I pause to inhale it. “Lilacs,” I whisper. Langar looks questioningly and I realize they don’t know that particular flower.

“Don’t you like it? We can extinguish them,” Langar quickly offers.

“No,” I exclaim, “I love it.” In a strange way it soothes my nerves.

Upon entering the main hall I suddenly realize that the building has to be much bigger than it appears from the outside. Glass and metal are skilfully braided together and stunned I take in the multi colored glass stained wall in front of me. “What’s that?” I ask stupefied.

“That’s an image of the sacred gardens in Tuzenor,” Langar replies proudly. “Behind it is a door which gives access to the meditation rooms.”

“It’s beautiful,” I stutter. The artist managed to capture the mystic feeling that surrounds those gardens. I visited them once during training and I still vividly remember the silence clinging to the place.

“It’s close to where the Sisters of Valeria have their temple,” Langar adds. “Now, follow me and I’ll show you to your rooms. I assigned Doctor Franklin the rooms next to yours, Marcus.”

Exchanging a glance with Stephen I notice him smile. He seems to like the house as well. As we ascend the wooden stairs warm sunlight briefly engulfs us and I look outside, seeing the waterfalls Neroon mentioned. This place exceeds even Tuzenor’s beauty and I instantly fall in love with it.

I slowly climb the stairs and feel relieved that my ankles are holding up. My hands slide over the banisters, caressing the ancient wood. Stephen agreed I no longer had to wear the gloves and I gladly disposed of them.

Even though the sun still hasn’t set candles have been lighted everywhere. I can’t believe I’m taking up residence in this magnificent house.

Langar opens a heavy wooden door and gestures Stephen to step inside. “These are your rooms.”

Stephen nods his head, but doesn’t enter the room. I suspect he wants to be certain where to find me in case something goes wrong. Langar walks to the next door and smiles.

“And these are your quarters, Marcus.”

I can’t help but being curious, knowing this is where Neroon lived most of this life. Slowly the door opens and I hold my breath in anticipation. Surprised I notice its sparse interior. A Minbari sleeping platform, some bookshelves filled with scrolls and huge pillows scattered all over the floor make up most of the room. Then I notice the huge chest underneath the window and my curiosity is piqued again.

“I’m going to have a look at my room. Will meet you here in… 20 minutes, Marcus?” Stephen suggests.

I immediately nod my head, craving to be alone in here for a few moments. “That’s fine with me.” I notice the look of understanding Dalmar gives me before closing the door behind Stephen.

Finally I’m alone and I study the room. Only then I notice a second door, slightly ajar, which leads… where? After stealing over there I push it open and my heart forgets to beat momentarily. I take some steps in to the second room and gasp in shock. This is the study I saw in my dreams! This is =Neroon’s= study and every detail I remember matches!

My knees give out on me and I slide down to the floor. Finally I sit cross-legged, taking everything it. This is definitely the desk I saw and I cringe, wondering what this means!

How could I’ve known what Neroon’s study would look like? I’ve never been here before and I’m certain Neroon never described it to me! Cold sweat forms all over my body as I try to find the answer to this riddle.

But what’s the answer? I’ve never been able to foretell the future and the last time I checked I had no special abilities either! I pull myself together and manage to get back to my feet. It’s silent in here and my footfalls are the only sounds heard.

I sit down behind the large wooden desk and my eyes scan all scrolls and crystals on it. Looks like Neroon liked to write his reports the old fashioned way as I discover a pen and ink. But it’s written in the tongue of the warrior cast and I can’t make heads or tails of it. Disappointed I put them down.

Neroon was reading in my dream and I desperately try finding reports written in Standard. But I quickly realize Neroon had no reason to write in an alien language. Well, that settles it. I’ll have to teach myself this particular language.

Weak beams of translucent sunlight crawl in to the study and I’m reluctant to leave here, but Stephen might already be waiting for me. As I rise from behind the desk I stroll over to a closet and open it.

Inside Neroon’s scent attacks me and my hands caress the fabric of his uniforms and robes. I feel close to him and bow my head to release my tears. I want him back! I want Neroon at my side, but I can’t have it!

“Marcus?”

Hearing Stephen’s voice startles me and I quickly turn around, almost losing my equilibrium in the process. “What are you doing here?”

“I waited 30 minutes and when you didn’t show up I grew concerned,” Stephen explains in a gentle tone. “So this is Neroon’s study?”

I nod my head once and decide to keep my dreams a secret for now. Maybe Langar can explain what happened to me. Why did I know what Neroon’s study looked like? Stephen takes hold of my hands and I don’t resist. He closes the closet and leads me to the window.

“I love this place,” I admit breathlessly, seeing the sunset above the waterfalls. A pallet of pastels colors the sky and I stroke back my hair. This sun set is a symphony of pink, rosy mauve and violet. Only a few blue clouds darken the sky. Stephen smiles and I realize he feels the same way about this place.

I hesitate before making this next statement as I only now realized how I feel about being here. “I feel like I’m coming home, ” I finally admit shyly. “I can’t explain it.”

“Marcus,” Stephen whispers in an odd tone.

As he places his hand on my shoulder I feel connected to him, like I did with Neroon. I trust Stephen and I trusted Neroon. I found friendship at last and this time I’m determined to make the best of it. No more hiding behind walls, instead I’m going to try and be the best I can!

In dark places part 39

Marcus

“We need to rebuild your stamina back to its old level,” Dalmar remarks. “It will take a few weeks, maybe even months, but I promise to get you back in shape.”

Tired, I nod my head. For an hour now we’ve been going through basic training sequences. We’re working out without pikes as Dalmar deems it necessary to get all basic training done before even touching a weapon. I hate to admit it, as he’s pushing me beyond my limits, but he’s an excellent pike fighter. Breathlessly I observe the new sequences he’s demonstrating and I do my best to copy them. It’s hard though.

“Did I already tell you I supervised part of Neroon’s training when we were youngsters?”

That remark makes me look up. “You don’t look that much older,” I whisper, trying to catch my breath as Dalmar stops for a short break.

“I had just finished my training and Neroon still had to start.” Dalmar explains.

As he gestures me to assume a certain starting position Dalmar shows me several moves I’ve never seen before. Curiously I mimic them. “Did you also push Neroon this ruthlessly?” I ask, short of breath.

“I certainly did!” Dalmar replies amused. “Here,” he says and picks up the pikes. “Show me what they taught you at ranger training.”

Looking at the pike Neroon gave me weeks ago I wonder whether I’ve got enough energy left to continue this. “Dalmar, I’m not Minbari and I’m tired,” I say apologetically.

Although I made up my mind to work as hard as humanly possible I can’t defeat the weariness in my bones. The burning sensation is still there, although it has grown less in intensity.

Dalmar looks up questioningly hearing that remark and cocks his head to study me. “I’m not faking it,” I say. “I want to get back in shape, but…”

“No, you’re right,” Dalmar says eventually. “We’ll continue your training tomorrow at dawn,” and collapses his pike. “You did well today.”

I nod my head, relieved to get a rest. Since I arrived here, two days ago I’ve slept most of the days because Stephen slipped me sleeping meds. When I found out this morning he looked rather disappointed. I know they’re acting for my best, but I’m getting tired of their concern. I can make my own calls and it’s time for them to understand that and back off.

Remembering Dalmar’s comment I say, “Thank you. But you’re a good personal trainer as well.” I fall momentarily silent as we walk in to the corridor. I plan on taking a nice water shower and then getting a bite to eat. The Minbari kitchen turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Neroon’s cook knows a lot of dishes besides Flarn.

“Don’t forget to check in with Doctor Franklin at 1700 hours,” Dalmar says, “for your daily check.”

“Don’t you think Stephen’s acting a bit overly concerned?” I ask Dalmar but seeing the smile in his eyes I can guess his answer. “No, you don’t.”

“You’re recovering nicely, but one can’t be too careful.”

“You sound a lot like Neroon at times, do you know that?” I smile saddened, wishing Neroon were here to work out with me.

Dalmar laughs warmly. “I’ve never been accused of that before, but I regard it as a compliment in this particular case!”

We’ve reached my quarters and I say good-bye to him before stepping inside. The moment the door closes I try to capture the last remnant of Neroon’s scent which is drifting away slowly. I desperately cling to his memory and slowly head for the rigged platform.

Stephen begged me that first night to rig his as well and I gladly obliged. The servants however tried to restore it to its original position and I had to ask Dalmar to instruct them to leave it this way. I still need to teach myself this bloody language!

Sitting down on the platform I stare at the chest underneath the window. Since day one it's called out to me, but I don’t want to snoop around in Neroon’s personal belongs. On the other hand, Neroon did tell me to open it in my dreams. I’ve been at war with my feelings ever since.

“Marcus? Are you ready to go? Vallo just informed me dinner is about to be served.”

Stephen accesses my room through the connecting door, rubbing his belly. “I wonder what we’ll get this time,” I say and get to my feet. “I would have liked to shower first though,” I admit, knowing I sweated profusely during training.

“I think you’ve got enough time left,” Stephen replies and awkwardly sits down on the floor, using some of the pillows to make himself comfortable.

I quickly dash in to the bathroom and resist temptation to go for a long bath instead. After shedding my clothes I take a shower and slip in to new set of clothes. “I’m ready to go,” I exclaim as my stomach growls from hunger.

“You should dry your hair first,” Stephen says, who moved to look out of the window.

“Guess you’re right,” I sigh and use a towel to dry it. “It’s a great view,” I comment admiringly.

“Yes, makes sense why Neroon took up residence here,” Stephen agrees and turns about. “You look decent enough, let’s go. I’m hungry!”

After eating dinner I retreat into the meditation room. On our first evening here Stephen tried to meditate as well, but that man is restless! He gave up after 30 minutes. I like the silence in here, the tranquillity that flows into my mind if only I let it. But tonight I can’t focus.

Something Neroon mentioned in my dreams keeps haunting me. Shitaro… Shitaro is now standing trial and it doesn’t look good for him. At my request Vallo updated me on the proceedings.

I was baffled to hear that the one guard, Hirano testified on my behalf. Thanks to his testimony the judges are taking this trial seriously and I shiver wondering what Shitaro will do when pronounced guilty. I desperately hope I won’t have to testify at the High Court. I don’t think I can face Shitaro yet.

“Marcus? May I enter?”

“Always, Langar,” I reply, torn away from my fears. “What brings you here?”

Langar looks worried as he speaks, “I received a message from the High Court.”

I stare at the floor, as my fears suddenly crash in to my mind again. “What did it say?” Basically I don’t want to hear it, but… I don’t have a choice.

“They want you to take the stand.” Langar smiles reassuringly. “They want to hear what you’ve got to say.”

“What difference does it make?” I object, determined not to go there.

“My sources say that the High Court already thinks Shitaro is guilty as charged, but they are worried that his punishment might not severe enough in proportion to his crimes.”

“I thought they were only going to strip him of his rank?” I ask confused.

“Apparently they think a more severe penalty is called for,” Langar replies pleased. “Will you go?”

“I don’t think I can,” I reveal hesitantly and stretch my muscles. “What if I run into Shitaro?”

Langar nods his head. “I understand how you feel about confronting him, but do you want him to get away this easily?”

“I just want to be left alone,” I moan desperately and jump to my feet. “I feel safe here.” I stare in to the healer’s soft eyes. “I need to feel safe at the moment. I’m just settling in to this routine of working out with Dalmar and talking to Stephen. I’m not ready to leave this place.”

“Neroon wouldn’t want you to hide here,” Langar says in a berating tone.

“I know!” I yelp and bang a fist in to the wall. “Don’t you think I know that? Neroon wanted me to challenge Shitaro to Denn’sha!”

“Then why don’t you do that?”

“Because I’m not ready yet!” I protest. “I’d lose such a fight!”

“I can’t force you to attend the trial, but,” Langar states as he walks to the doorway, “I think you need to face Shitaro. You’re still afraid of him and that fear is eating you.”

He’s right and we both know it. “When am I expected to be there?”

“In one week.”

“I can’t make any promises,” I stutter embarrassed, afraid I’m letting them down.

“Take your time, but don’t use it as an excuse to run away from your fears,” Langar remarks concerned.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I reply and watch him leave. Alone, I sit down again and do my best to create a sense of tranquillity in my mind. If only Neroon were at my side… or Susan…

“No, I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to think about her!” I whisper miserably. “She refused to stay with me!” In a pained tone I sneer the words at myself. “She’s been hurt too many times and deserves someone far better than I!”

I shouldn’t let my sense of self worth depend on the way others view me, but… I need someone to love me, for I don’t know how to do that myself. Neroon almost convinced me I was worthy of being loved and then he died.

Shaking my head I leave the room and walk outside to stare at the blinding water rolling down the cliffs. I lean my back against a tree and wonder what Neroon would say to me if he were here. I can almost hear his voice as it keeps me company every night.

“Langar is right. You’ve got to face Shitaro. You may not challenge him to Denn’sha yet, but one day you will,” I whisper, knowing Neroon well enough to make up an answer. “Why did you leave me?” I whisper broken. “And why did Stephen have to tell me Susan refused to come along? Why didn’t he keep quiet instead? Maybe he thought I needed to know the truth.”

After walking over to the water I sit on my heels, knowing darn well I’m hiding here. The cool water drips from my fingers after I dipped my hand into it. I’ve never felt this lost before. I thought coming here was the right thing to do, but now… I wish someone would tell me what to do so I could stop thinking altogether.

“Marcus? Langar told me I could find you here,” Stephen says and sits down on the grass. “Need someone to talk to?”

“I think I do,” I admit weakly and tell Stephen about Langar’s request to attend the trial. “I’m not sure I can do that yet.”

Stephen’s eyes reveal his empathy and he nods his head. “I understand how hard this is on you, but for what’s worth, Langar is right. You can’t keep running.”

I lie down and stare at the clouds, which are now obscuring the sun. “I’ve got a week to think about it.”

“Then don’t force it and take your time to make up your mind,” Stephen advises.

As I close my eyes and listen to the splashing water I realize Neroon would kick my butt for refusing to testify. I decide to take Stephen’s advice to think this over. Secretly I hope Neroon will appear in my dreams tonight so I can ask him what to do.

In dark places part 40

Marcus

Restlessly I lie down on the rigged platform and try my best to fall asleep but Langar’s request keeps spinning through my mind. I’ve got to find the courage to face Shitaro in one week’s time. But how? The mere mention of his name makes me nauseous.

I close my eyes and realize that without Stephen’s sleeping meds I’ll have a hard time falling asleep. After tossing and turning for what seems hours, I get up from the platform and sneak over to the chest, which I haven’t had the guts for to open yet.

I sit down cross-legged and stare at the lid. Slowly I close my fingers over it and push it open. A moment later I tell the computer to increase the lights to peek inside.

The first thing I see is a number of crystals. Curiously I take them in to my hand and stare at them, wondering what information they might contain. I’ve seen a player in the corner and decide to set them aside for now. Maybe I’ll have a look at them later. The scrolls which I pick up next are written in the warrior caste language and useless to me.

As I dig deeper I retrieve a black cloak and a collapsed pike. Feeling strangely disappointed I wonder what I expected to find. Something more shocking than this, that’s for sure.

I roll the crystals in the palm of my hand and finally decide to play at least one of them. Slightly apprehensive I walk over to the player and insert one. A hidden screen appears to my right and shows me Neroon as a youngster during pike training. I smile seeing his youthful face and unconcerned eyes.

A second Minbari appears and manages to hit Neroon on the head. After studying this man’s features I recognize Dalmar. The entire crystal is filled with training sessions and I relax seeing Neroon make all types of beginner’s mistakes.

In the end I’m chuckling, watching Neroon fight down his anger at being defeated. Slowly I crawl over to insert the second crystal. I stop laughing seeing Neroon and another male Minbari walking beside the waterfalls and I instinctively know this has to be Narrier.

The young man looks radiant and both of them are definitely in love. Surprised, I realize I’m feeling jealous. In heaven’s name! Narrier died so long ago and he committed suicide.

We both went through the same trauma, but only I survived because of Neroon’s determination. Why didn’t Narrier? Neroon once told me Narrier didn’t allow him close and by God I understand how hard it must have been on Narrier. I still don’t know why I allowed Neroon to hold and comfort me.

Great, now I depressed myself! Frustrated with myself I retreat back to the platform and suddenly I can’t hold back my tears any longer. Neroon found a way to live without Narrier and I’ve got to do the same thing now, living without Neroon.

Tears run down my cheeks and I curl my body in to a ball as I turn on to my left side. Covering my face with my eyes I stop fighting all these intense feelings inside me. The hate, guilt, the love and despair at losing that love hits me like lighting and there’s nothing I can do stop it… I don’t want to any way. I need to let go if I want to truly recover. And so I cry myself to sleep.

“Marcus? Can you hear me?”

Hearing that voice makes me open my eyes. “Neroon?” I quickly get to my feet, embarrassed because I was lying down. I take in his appearance as he leans against the wall in a callous way, collapsed pike in his hand. He’s wearing his uniform again and I still dislike seeing him dressed like this.

“So, you’re going to challenge Shitaro? We need to work on your technique then.” Neroon opens his pike and assumes a fighting stance.

Confused, I look up pleadingly. “How do you know…?”

“Never question my presence in your dreams, Marcus,” Neroon says chidingly. “Now show me some defensive moves.”

Not reacting at all I simply stare at him. “I thought you’d be angry with me.”

Neroon sighs and closes his pike again. “What for?”

“For looking at the crystals of you and… Narrier.”

“I told you to open the chest, didn’t I?” Neroon smiles warmly.

“Yes, you did,” I’ve got to admit. “And how do you know about me facing Shitaro?” Then I remember his remark earlier and know he won’t answer me. “Sorry, I have no business asking that.”

“I’m here to prepare you for the fight,” Neroon replies steadfast. “I sparred with Shitaro once or twice and might be able to give you some insight on his weak spots.”

Surprised, I open my pike at Neroon’s command. “I’m in terrible shape,” I warn him. “There’s no way I can take on Shitaro and beat him.”

“You doubt yourself too much,” Neroon says softly and takes a few steps closer.

I sigh in bliss as his left hand caresses my face. Looking in to his eyes I see sadness and determination. “Can you blame me for doubting my abilities?” I ask.

“No,” Neroon admits.

As he takes my right hand in his Neroon’s smile brightens.

“Your hands…” he says approvingly.

“Stephen and Langar fixed them,” I explain and curl my fingers around his.

“Marcus,” Neroon starts and cocks his head. “I’m sorry she didn’t want to help you recover.”

“Damn!” I curse harshly. “Why do you have to bring her up?” I don’t want to talk about Susan now that Neroon’s here.

“Because her rejection hurt you,” Neroon says knowingly.

“Somehow I still love her… but I love you too!” I exclaim mystified. “I don’t understand how I can be attracted to both of you!”

“I don’t know that answer,” Neroon sighs and distances himself again. “But I do know you’ll be fighting Shitaro in one week. We can’t waste any more time. Now show me what Master Durhann taught you. Defend yourself!”

Before I get a proper chance to open my pike Neroon starts an attack. This dream is turning out quite different from my former ones!

The next morning I wake up feeling drained. Last night was exhausting. Stretching my body carefully, I find that several muscles ache after the gruelling training Dalmar submitted me to! And then Neroon made me go through it all for a second time!

I moan softly as my fingers dig in to a particular sore muscle. Slowly the ache subsides and I manage to drag myself in to the bathroom. This time I allow myself the luxury of a long hot bath, hoping it will help me relax.

Splashing some water in to my face I start to remember the things Neroon told me last night. Shitaro’s defenses are weak and his right flank often unguarded. It might be my only chance at defeating him and I’ve got exploit that weakness.

It won’t be long before Dalmar will show up for our next sparring session and I realize I’m looking forward to putting the moves Neroon showed me in to practice.

Focusing inward I find that my fear to face Shitaro has decreased since last night. Neroon strengthened me in my belief that I can confront my demons. “He’s right,” I mumble. “I’ve got to tap in to my fear and rage to get the necessary resolve.”

Neroon has a way to make the hardest things look easy and I nod my head as I get up to dry my body. Staring in to the mirror I shiver seeing the scars scattered all over my body. The mental scars are invisible but much harder to overcome.

Running my fingers over my chest I cringe, remembering the guards breaking my ribs. A sudden and unexpected rage surfaces at that memory and while staring at my reflection I hiss, “It’s payback time, Shitaro.”

I stride in to the dojo clad in one of Neroon’s outfits. Although I brought my own clothes along, wearing Neroon’s strengthens my resolve. It feels like he’s near because his scent still clings to his garments. My pike snaps open and I register the surprised expression on Dalmar’s face. Yesterday he had to persuade me to work out. “I’m ready,” I announce and wonder how he’ll react to my new moves.

Dalmar inclines his head, opens his pike as well and attacks. I easily deflect that move and slip in underneath his defenses like Neroon showed me. Seeing the baffled look on Dalmar’s face encourages me. I push on, carrying out an attack of my own and I almost manage to disarm him, but this time Dalmar seems prepared and steps aside so my blow impacts on the floor. “Bugger!” I comment and quickly retreat to safer grounds.

“Marcus,” Dalmar says and gestures me to stop. “Who taught you these moves?”

I can’t tell him the truth so I revert to the first thing that comes to mind. “Durhann.”

“I doubt that very much,” Dalmar whispers. “But should you fight Shitaro in this way, you might win.”

“I’m going to win.” I state and drive my heels in to the floor. “I’m going to kill him.” That admission takes Dalmar aback and he pales visibly.

“I don’t deny that you’ve got every right to end his life,” Dalmar says compassionately, “but I fear taking his life won’t help you cope with your past.”

“I want to see him in pain!” I exclaim in hate. “I want him to feel what I felt!”

“Marcus,” Dalmar says soothingly and closes his pike. “You’re not like him.”

I shake my head and aim the butt end of my pike at his brow. “You don’t know me.”

“I do know you.” Dalmar’s expression grows sad. “I was there when Neroon brought you aboard the Ingata and watched you during your recovery.”

The pike falls from my hands and anger boils deep inside my mind. “Shitaro must pay for his crimes!”

“Agreed,” Dalmar replies. “But don’t burden your soul by being judge and executioner at the same time.”

His words impact hard, and I know he’s right. “He’ll get off easy,” I say disgusted. “The Minbari court…”

“Will honor your rights, Marcus.” Dalmar smiles gently. “As Neroon’s mate you possess all civil rights as I do. When you step before the Court you’ll be treated like one of our own.”

I pick up my pike and close it. As I attach it to my belt I let Dalmar’s words sink in. “I feel cheated.”

“I know,” Dalmar admits. “I watched Neroon and you and saw your dedication to each other. I miss him too.”

At odds with all the contradicting feelings inside my mind I wonder what I need to do to find a way out of this maze. “I don’t know what to feel.”

“Why don’t you join your human friend for lunch?” Dalmar suggests kindly. “We’ll continue this session later this afternoon.”

I nod my head and bow respectfully. Dalmar immediately answers that gesture and as I leave the dojo I realize I need to talk to someone about my dreams.

In dark places part 41

Marcus

“Did you get enough sleep last night?” Stephen inquires worried as he’s waiting for lunch to be served.

“Yes, I did.” I sit down next to him and nod appreciately towards the Minbari female who places a plate filled with food items in front of me.

“You look tired,” Stephen says, not yet ready to let this issue rest.

“But it’s a healthy sort of fatigue,” I object. “I’ve been working out all day and yesterday when I couldn’t sleep,” I say, slipping in a half lie. “But I’m fine, Stephen.”

“If you say so.” Stephen examines the grilled vegetables on his plate before tasting one.

“Can we talk?” I ask hesitantly, not sure how to introduce my dreams.

“Any time,” Stephen says and pushes his plate away from him. “What about?”

“My dreams about Neroon,” I whisper softly. “They worry me.”

“Why?” Stephen shifts his position.

Looking him in the eyes I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t think they’re healthy. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m losing my mind.”

“Why do you say that?” Stephen smiles reassuringly.

“Because… I saw a room in my dreams I’d never been in before and when we arrived here I knew what Neroon’s study looked like before stepping inside…”

“Are you telling me the dreams you have are coming true?” Stephen says alarmed.

“In a certain way,” I whisper desperately. “Neroon told me to open the chest in his room and when I did…”

“What did you find?”

“Crystals… I saw Narrier, his former lover and…”

“That upset you, Marcus.”

Stephen eyes me carefully and I try avoiding his stare. “Neroon is so fucking real in my dreams. Last night we sparred and… I swear I hit a solid body with my pike and his blows felt awfully real too.” Confused, I look towards Stephen for the answer that eludes me. “Please… tell me I’m not losing my mind.”

“Marcus, was Neroon a telepath?”

That question stuns me. “No, not to my knowledge. Why ask?”

“I’m only speculating. If he were a teep there might have been some kind of link and that might take some time to fade away.” Stephen looks extremely perplexed. “But if he wasn’t a teep… are you sure Neroon is dead?”

“Stephen!” I exclaim shocked. “I watched him die!”

“Well, I don’t doubt your word, but… Minbari tend to act very secretively about matters,” Stephen says apologetically.

“No, Neroon is dead,” I state convinced. “He would never leave me alone if he were still alive.” In a tiny voice I add, “He loved me.”

“Then I’ve got no explanation,” Stephen whispers. “All I can do is run a neural scan on you and search for anomalies, but the last time I examined you everything was perfectly fine.”

“I just don’t understand it,” I mumble resigned.

“I can’t find anything wrong with you,” Stephen states puzzled after running a few neural scans.

“Then why don’t I feel relieved?” I wonder and get up from the exam platform.

“Do you feel threatened by these dreams in any way?” Stephen wants to know.

“No, that’s not it,” I object. “I feel safe when asleep… I just don’t understand why they feel so real!”

“I even ran a scan to ensure you don’t have the teep gene. You’re clean, Marcus.”

“Then what’s wrong with me?” I stammer confused.

“Marcus?”

He gestures me to take a seat next to him, but I stubbornly remain standing opposite him. “I asked Neroon why he keeps appearing in my dreams.”

“What did he say?”

“That I’m not allowed to question his presence during my sleep,” I reply with a grin. “That sounds like Neroon all right!”

“Then maybe you should do just that,” Stephen whispers eventually. “You might never get your answer.”

I nod my head. “I’ll try. Do you think I should talk to Langar about this?”

“It won’t make things worse if you do,” Stephen says reassuringly. “Now that you’re here… how about that burning sensation in your hands and ankles?”

“It’s gone.” Clasping my hands behind my back I feel lost. “Stephen…”

“Give it time, Marcus.”

That evening I worked my butt off to please Dalmar during our sparring match. I’m resolved to take down Shitaro when the time comes and I won’t rest until I’ve extracted my revenge. I’m going to make sure that he’ll never again hurt another person.

“Marcus, concentrate!”

Dalmar’s admonishing tone gets my attention and I duck away as his pike starts its descent. I’ve got to remain focused in spite of the rage. I can’t allow it to control me! I’ve got to control =it=!

“I’m trying!” I exclaim with gritted teeth! Dalmar closes his pike and his eyes study me closely. I hate it when he does that.

“We’ll continue tomorrow and I suggest you use the remainder of the evening to meditate.”

Great! Now I’m being banished from the dojo. “Why?”

“Because your emotions are getting the better of you,” Dalmar explains. “And you’re pushing yourself too hard.”

“You’re right,” I admit reluctantly and I slowly walk towards the doorway. “I’ll try and get a grip on my rage.”

Dalmar nods his head approvingly. “If you fail, Shitaro will use that weakness against you.”

I remain silent and slowly cover the distance to the meditation area. I’m not sure if I want to be alone, but I don’t think I can stand someone’s company either. Bugger, I hate feeling like this!

Quickly I close the door behind me and start punching the huge pillow, which I picked up from the floor. I need to get this anger out of my system now! As the rage leaves me I start to feel at peace and I sit down, leaning my back against the wall. I repressed this hurt and anger far too long!

“Marcus?”

Hearing Vallo’s voice unexpectedly startles me. “Yes?” I drag myself back on to my feet. Drained, I watch him step inside with an odd mixture of curiosity and hesitance on his face. “What is it?” I ask, letting him know it’s okay to come closer.

“You have a guest.”

“Guest?” I repeat fatigued. “Whom are you talking about?” And momentarily I freeze; petrified he’s talking about Shitaro.

“She arrived a few moments ago and demanded to see you at once. I’ve taken the liberty to prepare the guest quarters.”

“She?” Trying hard to figure out who the hell he’s talking about, I dash into the corridor. I feel incredibly relieved at hearing it’s not Shitaro. “Does =she= have a name?”

“I saw her onboard Babylon 5, but I don’t remember her name,” Vallo admits shyly, “and I forgot to ask her just now.”

Paralyzed I halt in my tracks, trying to deal with this new bit of information. “Are you talking about Delenn?” I say hopefully. There’s only one other person he could be referring to and I can’t allow myself to grow hopeful.

“No,” Vallo says and smiles, “I know Delenn. This female is a human.”

“It can’t be Susan,” I whisper in shock and refuse to walk any further. “Why would she come here?”

“She appeared very impatient when I left her,” Vallo says. “And she asked specifically to see you at once!”

Dear God, this does sound like Susan and I remember Stephen’s comment that he wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up on Minbar. Briefly I wonder whether I can get away with excusing myself and sending Stephen instead. But no, I’m no coward and maybe she is here for business. Perhaps Delenn sent her. “Please ask Stephen Franklin to join us?” I ask as I reach the entrance to the dining hall.

“Of course,” Vallo replies and leaves to get the physician.

It takes me a while to compose myself. “Come on, Cole! You’re not even sure it’s her!” I cautiously peek inside and look at her back as she’s facing away from me. She isn’t in uniform. The blue tunic compliments her and I know it matches her eye color. I nervously clear my throat while stepping inside.

She swirls around and as I lock eyes with her I quickly avert them. I can’t believe she’s actually standing in front of me! Uncertain of what to say or to do I swallow hard and hope my voice sounds steady. “Commander?”

“Susan,” she whispers softly.

A lump is forming in my throat and I can’t help blushing. “Susan, why are you here?” I ask hesitantly. As I peek at her face I immediately notice the dark rings underneath her beautiful blue eyes. It looks like she’s had trouble sleeping recently.

“Marcus, I…” she chokes up and her smile changes in to a sad expression. “I let you down when you needed me most.”

“What are you talking about?” I reply confused. “You made it very clear that you don’t want to be here, so why did you change your mind?” Her rejection still stings hard.

“I made a mistake,” she whispers softly and takes another step. “I thought one more mistake didn’t matter, but I was wrong!”

Lost, I study her watered eyes. I’ve never before seen them swimming with tears. As a matter of fact, Susan never shows her emotions at all, so why start now? “Did Delenn send you?”

“No, I came because I had to see you.” Susan briefly closes her eyes and appears to gather her courage. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

She’s only a few inches away from me and close enough to touch her face. I back away a few steps, uncertain what she’s up to, but Susan immediately covers the distance. The oddest expression shines from her eyes and I feel cornered. “I can arrange for the Ingata to take you back to the station,” I offer, nervous as hell.

“No,” she objects determined. “I used my remaining leave of absence to come here.”

“Susan, I don’t understand you,” I whisper and watch fascinated as her small and elegant fingers close around mine. She’s warm and close. Her scent is intoxicating. I loved her from a distance for so long that I can’t believe she’s this close.

“I want to explain things to you,” she says in a sudden emotional tone. “But I need time and don’t you dare interrupt me!”

This is the Susan I’ve come to know and I nod quickly, trying not to piss her off. “Then tell me, Susan.”

In dark places part 42

Susan

I can’t take my eyes off him. For so long I doubted my decision to come here, but now that he’s standing in front of me I know Michael was right. I almost made another mistake. Not knowing how to start I envelope his fingers in my hand and relieved I notice Stephen managed to fix them.

Marcus is avoiding my eyes and I can’t blame him. He must be terribly confused right now. The last thing he remembers is me telling Stephen off. How can I explain what happened to me since then?

“I don’t know how to start,” I admit and rub my fingertips over the palm of his hand. “Marcus, please look at me.” I need to see the expression in his eyes!

“That’s the first time ever that you used the word please,” Marcus whispers.

Do I hear an amused tone in his voice? But as he raises his head I see his eyes are watering as well. I can’t remember the last time I cried… was it after finding out the truth about Talia? Or when John had disappeared at Z’ha’dum? Does it matter?

“Don’t mock me,” I berate him softly and wonder how the hell I’m going to explain my change of heart to him.

“I’m sorry,” Marcus adds quickly.

I grab hold of this other hand and press them together in front of my chest. This is the hardest confession I’ll ever make. “I know you’re in love with me,” I start resolved. Marcus remains quiet and I appreciate it that he’s giving me all the time I need to unburden my soul. “But I chose to ignore it.”

“Why?” is all what Marcus asks.

“Because,” I stutter, “I was afraid of getting hurt again. You must understand!” I exclaim pleadingly. “Everyone I’ve ever loved left me! My mother, Ganya, Talia… and when you returned from that last mission… I was afraid you were going to leave me as well! I couldn’t take the risk of telling you the truth!”

“You said, you =were= afraid?” Marcus asks curiously.

We make eye contact and I nod my head. “I talked to Michael the night you left. I felt… alone, abandoned and Michael made me realize I was the one letting this happen!” I kept these emotions locked away for so long that I’m afraid they’re going to run me over, so I turn about and quickly walk away from him.

“Susan?” Marcus whispers pleadingly. “Just what are you trying to tell me?”

“I want another shot at happiness dammit!” I exclaim. “Stephen offered me that chance when he asked me to go to Minbar with you and I refused! I refused because I was scared! There, I’ve said it. Deep down the hard nosed Commander is scared!”

“Susan, I’m scared too.”

Marcus obviously doesn’t know whether he should come after me or not. I wish I knew how to say; I love you, but I can’t… not yet. “I care about you, Marcus.”

“I care about you too, Susan,” Marcus whispers and smiles weakly.

“It goes beyond that, doesn’t it?” I say challenging him. Maybe if he says the words first I won’t have such a hard time speaking them as well.

“Yes, I love you,” Marcus admits shyly.

I love the way his blush spreads all over his face. “And you were scared too, weren’t you? Scared that I would reject your love?” Marcus nods his head and I’ve got my answer. “And you were right, you know. I wouldn’t have let you in.”

“What changed?” Marcus asks as revelation hits him.

“What changed…?” I repeat and look outside. The sun has started to set and the view is marvellous. It’s been a lifetime since I saw real air, real sun… a real moon. “After I left Michael behind in the Zocalo I realized I had to do a lot of soul searching.”

Hesitantly Marcus moves a little closer. Disbelief shines from his eyes and I can’t blame him. “I realized that if I wanted another chance I had to fight for it. For a long time I… allowed people to take advantage of me, at least that’s the way I see it now.”

“And you wanted to make sure that it would never happen again,” Marcus finishes saddened.

“Yes,” I confirm and look in to his green eyes. They appear troubled and I sense his mental pain. Quickly I back away before I unconsciously dive in to his mind. One day I’ll have to tell him that I’m a telepath.

Drawing myself away from my musings I realize I need to take that first step now. The rest will follow later. Can I open up to him? Tell him my darkest fears? “I raised my walls and kept you outside,” I start awkwardly.

“I had some pretty high walls myself,” Marcus says in an attempt to lighten the tone of the conversation.

“I know you had your reasons for keeping people at a distance.” My mouth has gone dry, but I refuse to give up on him now. “I managed to get my hands on your file.”

“You did?” Marcus quips.

This time I’m sure I hear an amused tone. “You don’t mind?”

“I must admit I read yours too,” Marcus whispers and the carefree tone has disappeared.

“I would have been surprised if you hadn’t.” I admit and wonder what will bridge the distance between us. Maybe I should stop analysing and explaining everything and react on impulse, but I’ve never been good at acting on my feelings. What if I screw up?

“Why are you here?” Marcus asks in a soft tone.

I return to stand opposite him and wonder if I’m ready to hug him… or is that too big a step? There’s only one way to find out. “Marcus, I want you to hold me.”

“Why, Susan?”

His big eyes are begging me to speak the truth. He won’t settle for less and he deserves it. “Because… “Dammit… I want to say the words, but… “I’m falling in love with you,” I say eventually chickening out.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I admit and feel like a coward. “I need to time to…”

“I understand,” Marcus replies tenderly, “So do I. We’ll take this slow… very slow.”

I smile relieved. We both have to get to terms with our past, but we made a beginning. We still have a long way ahead of us.

I mentally cringe at the slow and cautious way Marcus wraps his arms around me. Is it just uncertainty, which is making him act in this way? Stephen mentioned Marcus was tortured, but he never gave us any specifics. There are many methods to torture a defenceless prisoner.

I’ve got this feeling that I know what they did to Marcus. The way he reacted back on Babylon 5 and this reluctance to make actual physical contact reveals enough. I wonder how deep the hurt goes. My hands remain at my sides, but I rest my head against his shoulder and savor this moment. “We can do this, Marcus. Together we can defeat the ghosts of our past.”

Marcus trembles, a certain sign his painful past is still too livid to be dealt with yet. “I won’t let you down again,” I promise and ignore hearing a door open. No one is going to take this eternal moment away from me.

“I’ll try and be there for you, Susan, but…”

As I look up his eyes release a tear. “I understand that this is hard on you, Marcus and one day you’ll find the strength to tell me everything. I can wait.”

“You? Being patient?” Marcus says in disbelief. “Are you the real Susan Ivanova?”

“Yes,” I reply, “this is the real me. I’ve been hiding for so long I almost forgot who I really am.”

“Thank you,” Marcus says in an emotional tone. “Thank you for this gift.”

“What gift?” I ask as I wipe the tear from his face.

“Trusting me, opening op… coming here to be with me. I never expected that,” Marcus explains honestly. “You’ll have to be patient with me.”

I understand what he’s trying to say, but I don’t want to embarrass him by speaking it out aloud. “We’ll take this slow,” I repeat and inhale his scent.

“I’m sorry to break this up guys, but…”

“Stephen!” I mumble beneath my breath. I should have know…

“I bet Marcus you’d show up,” Stephen states determined.

I refuse to let go of the embrace and seeing Marcus’ twinkling eyes assures me he feels comfortable as well. “Couldn’t leave us alone, now could you, Stephen!” Turning around in the embrace I place my hands on Marcus’ arms, so he can’t pull away. “Don’t you ever get tired of being right, Stephen?” I quip and smile in response to his grin.

“Not really,” Stephen replies. “I guess this means I can return to Babylon 5 now that my replacement has arrived?”

Marcus’ breathing pauses briefly and it tells me he isn’t ready to say good-bye to our friend yet. “You can stay a little longer… provided you behave!”

It’s unbelievable how relieved and lightheaded I feel right now. I still can’t believe I opened up to Marcus. Maybe I should have tried earlier, but… the time never seemed right.

“Don’t forget your daily check at 1700 hours,” Stephen says, and chuckling vanishes in to the corridor.

As I turn to face Marcus I take in his facial expression. I must look similarly shocked. “So what are we going to do next?”

“Talk,” Marcus says softly.

He walks me over to the dining table and asks me to sit down. I comply and wonder about his stern complexion. “What about?” I ask confused.

“About the next 5 days of my life,” Marcus whispers barely audible.

Startled I move closer and he allows me to re-establish contact as I touch his hand. “You look… scared.” I almost chickened out saying that, but I don’t know another word that would fit his expression.

“In… 5 days I’ll be facing…Shitaro.”

Marcus flinches speaking that name and I don’t need telepathy to know he’s in mental pain. Unwillingly I focus on it and realize it’s mostly shame eating away at him. “Shitaro… isn’t that the warrior Delenn wanted eliminated?” I summarize, remembering parts of the conversations I had with Delenn.

“He captured and… questioned me,” Marcus whispers and lowers his eyes to stare at the table.

“Shitaro did this to you?” I ask and can’t control my trembling hands. “He better stay away from me then or…” I envision various ways of ending his life and wonder which way will feel most rewarding.

“He’s standing trial,” Marcus whispers, “and they want me to take the stand.”

“Are you going to do it?”

“Yes, he can’t be allowed to do the same thing to others.” Everything is happening a little too fast and I need to slow things down. “But we still have 5 days left?”

“Yes, I’ve worked out a lot to get back in to shape,” Marcus says and then freezes.

“What? What are you hiding from me?” I’ve seen that look in his eyes before. He’s feeling uncomfortable because he doesn’t know how I’m going to react.

“I’m going to challenge Shitaro to the death,” Marcus whispers softly.

Leaning back I shake my head. “You can’t be serious!”

“I need to do this, Susan. I’ve got to face him or else I’ll always be afraid of running into him unexpectedly.”

Shocked, I mentally review his admission. If Shitaro had done this to me I’d probably react in the same way and I fight down my hurt. “You could die fighting him.”

Marcus doesn’t reply and I realize how much it would mean to him if I supported him in this. I made my choice to stand beside him and I’m not going to give up this easily. “You better defeat him, Marcus!”

“You can make the difference… your support,” Marcus admits in a shy tone.

“You’ve got it,” I say and love seeing his stunned smile. “Maybe I should personally supervise your training,” I quip.

“Oh no!” Marcus exclaims. “I’ve already got one personal trainer and I’m not sure I’d survive your training methods!”

Marcus slowly rubs the back of my hand and I lean in closer to brush his lips.

In dark places part 43

Marcus

Her action surprises the hell out of me and I stare at her in blank confusion. The moment her lips touch mine I stun myself by actually answering the kiss and brushing her lips in response, then I hastily retreat. Her eyes grow big as I distance myself from her. I still need to address one more matter before I can start a new relationship. “I haven’t told you everything,” I say weakly.

Susan raises an eyebrow, but remains silent. I hope that’s meant to encourage me to speak up. But how to label the relationship I had with Neroon? Were we lovers or…

“I don’t know how to say this,” I whisper and swallow hard as her fingers rub my knuckles reassuringly. I don’t deserve her!

“I’m sure you’ll find a way,” Susan says and smiles.

“It’s about Neroon.” I’m not even sure whether she’s ever heard his name.

“The Minbari who rescued you?”

“Yes,” I quickly confirm, surprised she remembered that. “We… became more than friends at a certain point.”

Susan inclines her head and says, “Lovers?”

“No, not really I guess. He died before…” I can’t finish that sentence as emotions overwhelm me. “But I loved him.”

“I see,” Susan whispers.

Her smile is awkward and I wonder if this changes matters between us. Quickly I try to explain things to her. “I needed someone to love me and he did. I still have dreams about him in which he’s alive.” There’s no more turning back now and I stare at our joined hands. “I watched him die.”

“I’m so sorry,” Susan says sincerely. “Delenn mentioned something like that, but at the time I wasn’t really paying close attention. I was too busy trying to sort out my own feelings.”

“I still miss him.”

Susan sighs deeply and I grow tense, apprehensively waiting for her to speak up. I hope she isn’t going to turn her back on me because of this. I’ve never understood this woman and I probably never will.

“Losing a lover is hard,” she says eventually. “When Talia showed her true colors I lost her as well. It’s okay, Marcus.”

I’ve seldom felt this relieved! Susan seems to understand what I’m trying to say in my awkward way.

She looks tired and I wonder how long it’s been since she got some sleep. “I completely forgot my manners…” I say embarrassed by the situation. “I’m sure you’d like to take a bath and freshen up.”

“I would like that,” Susan admits.

“Vallo will show you your quarters… I’m afraid I don’t know the place that well.” As on cue, Vallo appears and I distinctly notice the sly grin on his face. Has he been hiding somewhere and listening to our conversation? I decide to ask him later in private.

“Follow me,” Vallo says and waits patiently near the exit.

Susan and I get up simultaneously and suddenly I realize she’s still holding my hand. I can’t imagine what a big step this must have been for her. I feel proud and slightly flattered because she chose me after all. Mentally I vow to never let her down.

“What time is dinner?” Susan asks as she makes her way over to Vallo.

“2100 hours,” I reply, “It’s more of a midnight snack really.”

“And Doctor Franklin asked me to remind you that you’ve got an appointment with him for a physical, Marcus,” Vallo remarks as he studies Susan who just passed him by.

“I will be there,” I whisper annoyed. Stephen is quickly becoming a nuisance with his constant need to check on me.

As Susan and Vallo disappear in to the corridor I suddenly realize I’m trembling. She actually came for me! Shaking my head I smile and whisper a soft thank you to Mr. Garibaldi for talking some sense in that thickheaded woman!

I can’t concentrate during the rest of the evening and I even let Stephen poke my body and fuss over me without calling him a big nag. My thoughts are with Susan and the fact that this incredible gorgeous woman took her remaining leave of absence to come to Minbar.

“Franklin to Marcus, do you read me?” Stephen quips amused and grins broadly.

“Hum, yes? What did you say?” I quickly reply, having no clue what he just said.

“You’re a lost case,” Stephen remarks, “Susan already has a tight hold on you!”

“She put me under her spell the first time I saw her,” I sigh.

“You’re a classic romantic…” Stephen chuckles and switches off the scanner. “Except from being lovesick you’re in an excellent condition.”

“I feel a bit weird,” I admit in a guilty tone. “It’s only been weeks since Neroon… This is happening so bloody fast!”

“Don’t worry too much about it, Marcus,” Stephen advises in a friendly tone. “Susan will want to take things slow too. This is also a major commitment on her part and probably one she never thought she’d ever make. ”

“She said that herself,” I reply and get to my feet. Disdainfully I stare at the exam platform and medical equipment. “Do I really have to come in every day?”

“Yes,” Stephen states determined. “I want to keep a close eye on you.”

That tone means I can’t change his mind and I resign myself to my fate. “Are you joining us for dinner?”

“What would you like me to say to that?” Stephen says amused and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“I’m not sure,” I mumble. “One part of me craves being alone with her, but the other… feels cornered and embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed?” Stephen repeats questioningly. “Why?”

“What if Susan might want to get intimate at some point?” I say in a hoarse tone. “And…”

“Hey, give her some credit. Susan probably figured out a long time ago what happened to you,” Stephen sighs worried. “You’re forgetting that she cares about you. Susan won’t push you.”

Still not completely reassured I want to object somehow, but can’t find the words, because deep down in my heart I know Stephen’s right. But knowing Susan realized I was sexually assaulted isn’t reassuring at all. I quickly change the topic of our conversation. “So are you joining us for dinner?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Stephen says thoughtfully. “The two of you have a lot to discuss.”

But we’re eating dinner in silence. Somehow we both don’t know what to say and feel awkward being here together. I’m getting desperate to find a way to break the ice once and for all. In the end I decide to make that first move.

“I kept those roses,” I say softly and wonder why she decided to show up in a black velvet gown. I can’t remember seeing her wear one before. But she definitely tried looking her best. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling that shy! The black dress reveals all her curves and the velvet tightly clings to her skin. Her long hair is loose and curling towards the ends.

“The ones I flung at you?” Susan asks amused. “Corwin said he’d found them at my doorstep and when Stephen told me you wanted a second chance with me…”

“When did he say that?” I place my fork and knife on the plate and feel content just observing her.

“After you discovered the Vindrizi,” Susan replies and takes a sip of the berry juice the Minbari traditionally serve with this dish.

“I never left roses at your doorstep,” I say honestly. “It might have been Corwin, chickening out when you opened the door. He fancies you, Susan.” I noticed his admiring glance whenever Susan was around.

“Corwin?” Susan repeats confused. “I always assumed…”

“Ah, so you wanted =me= to give you roses?” I quip quickly. “I’m not sure the rangers can smuggle roses on to Minbar, but I can try.”

Susan smiles and empties her glass. “No, that’s not necessary.”

She’s sitting opposite of me at the dining table and now she’s slowly getting to her feet. As she comes closer I notice the flowery fragrance of her perfume. “I didn’t know you liked wearing gowns,” I remark, as she comes to a standstill at my side.

“Are there any gardens near?” Susan says softly.

I try to swallow down the lump in my throat as I struggle to my feet. “You once told me you loved gardens and… big four poster beds.”

“I still like them.”

She takes my hand in hers and I hesitantly wrap my arm around her waist. “Do you also like waterfalls?”

“Sure,” Susan sighs content.

It’s the strangest feeling as she presses her body against mine. I explore the soft skin underneath my fingertips. Locks of her hair seem to caress my face and I secretly press a kiss on a lock as she rests her head on my shoulder.

We slowly make our way to the waterfalls while Susan tells me about her family. It tears my heart apart to hear about her mother’s suicide and losing her brother in battle. I want to tell her I understand what she went through, thinking back to Willie, but this is her time to open up and I offer her silent support.

I pull her with me as I sit down near the waterfalls. Susan snuggles up to me and continues to tell me about her past. It’s like she can’t stop now that she started and I suspect that’s the truth. She kept it inside for so long and now that the hurt has found a way out she has to get it all outside.

Malcolm. I immediately dislike the man and after hearing how he played her on the station I’m relieved to hear she exposed him for what he really was. But when she mentions Talia tears run down her cheeks. It takes her a while to tell me about the telepath and I realize the hurt is still very fresh to her.

“Your turn,” Susan whispers unexpectedly.

I choke up. “I can’t… not yet,” I say apologetically. “I’m sorry.”

Susan looks up. Her head rests in my lap and her hands are playing with my hair. I maintain eye contact, needing to know if my answer hurt her. But she nods her head and smiles weakly.

“I’ll wait until you’re ready, Marcus.”

Nervously, I lick my lips, wondering if I can get away with kissing her. As she moves about I’m offered a splendid view of her breasts, which threaten to break free from their confines. This low-necked dress… did she chose it on purpose?

“You want to kiss me… I see it in your eyes,” Susan mumbles sensually. “Kiss me, Marcus.”

Leaning in closer I cup the back of her head in my hand and brush her lips softly. This is all I can give her right now and I quickly retreat, feeling miserable for leading her on. “We should return to the house. It can get cold at night.”

Susan nods her head. “Yes, we should do that,” and gets to her feet.

She pulls me along and I reverently kiss the back of her hand.

Several moments later we arrive at her quarters. She’s leaning against the door and obviously studying me. What’s going on in that mind of hers?

“Want to come inside?” she asks eventually.

Lost for words I shake my head. I’m not ready to take this step. “Perhaps tomorrow,” I reply, hating to disappoint her.

“You always assume the worst!” Susan chuckles suddenly.

I realize she’s setting me up for something and weary I wait for her to continue.

“I only want you to rig my platform! I can’t sleep on those horrible tilted beds!”

Relieved, I release a sigh. I completely forgot about that. “Sure. I’ll rig it for you.” Susan opens the door and lets me enter first. Immediately I head for the bathroom, pick up a towel and press it in to the platform’s mechanism. “Voila!” I exclaim triumphantly.

“Thanks,” Susan says and sneaks closer. “Now you deserve another kiss.”

“Susan?” Hesitantly I allow her to fold her arms around me.

“Only a goodnight kiss,” she says reassuringly.

Still a bit tense I answer the kiss. Susan’s tongue suddenly nudges my lips apart. “Su…” I start and that’s what she must have counted on as her tongue quickly slithers inside and starts exploring my mouth.

In dark places part 44

Marcus

I can’t do this yet and quickly I disentangle myself from her, mumbling a sincere apology and dash out of the room. Short of breath I lean against the wall, listening for the door to open again. Susan is probably mad at me for running away like that, and rightly so!

But the door remains closed and I hope she’ll forgive me for leaving her behind like that. I didn’t even dare to look at her face as I fled her presence. I feel bad, guilty and slowly start making my way to my quarters, though tonight I’m not looking forward to falling asleep. The last person I want to face is Neroon.

Although he encouraged me in my dreams to pursue Susan I wonder how he’ll react tonight. Confused, I start to realize that I look upon Neroon as if he’s still alive. I’m actually concerned about dreaming about a dead person! This can’t be healthy behavior!

“Neroon is dead!” I mumble softly as I close the door behind me. Here, in his quarters it feels like blasphemy to pronounce that truth. It’s like he still resides here, watching me, watching =over= me! I take to pacing the room and briefly consider going downstairs to work out in the dojo, but I’m drained and lack all necessary energy, so I dismiss that option.

Instead I take a quick shower and slip into my sweats. Sitting on the platform I muse about Susan who’s only a few minutes away in the same building. “She’s here. She’s actually here!” I whisper aloud and catch myself grinning sheepishly. I never believed Stephen’s optimism was justified.

“I’m just a bloody pessimist!” I chuckle and lie down. In spite of everything my eyes start to close the moment my body makes contact with the platform. Emotionally, this has drained me immensely.

“I don’t want to dream tonight,” I whisper suddenly depressed, afraid of Neroon’s appearance. But as I drift off I realize I might not have a say in this matter.

“You’re suffering from a guilty conscience? Why?” Neroon asks mystified.

Quickly I look around and realize I’m back on the Ingata. I shiver seeing Neroon’s expression, which I can’t decipher. “Because I feel like I’m betraying you.”

“I told you to pursue the human female. Why do you feel guilty?”

I bow my head as Neroon cups my chin in his hand. Once again I inhale his scent and I’m stunned by his physical closeness. I know it’s just a dream and that he’s dead, but… “I feel like I’m desecrating your home.”

“No, Marcus. There’s no need to feel like that,” Neroon says in a soft tone. “I want you to be happy and if she makes you feel complete then you’ve got my blessing.”

Confused I stare in to his dark eyes. “You’re a mystery to me.”

“Good!” Neroon says amused and backs away. “This means you don’t need me any more,” he adds a little saddened, yet his eyes shine with relief. “She’ll make your life complete and I can finally get some rest!”

Those last words make me cringe though his tone indicates he’s comfortable with this situation. Briefly I panic. “I don’t want you to go away. I still need you.”

“No, you don’t,” Neroon replies in a berating tone and nods his head. “Dalmar will show you how to defeat Shitaro and your new lover will take my place.”

“She can’t replace you,” I whisper startled, “Susan is a different person and I loved you in a way I can never love her.” Damn! This makes no sense and I notice Neroon’s confusion. “I mean… I love you in one way and Susan in another. I love both of you!” Mentally exhausted I drop to my knees. Neroon sits on his heels in front of me.

“Why are you tearing yourself apart because of this? Yes, every person differs, and yes, that’s why you love them in different ways. Marcus, that’s only logical!”

Hungry for his approval I devour his eyes. “Are you serious?”

“I loved Narrier,” Neroon states and seems to ponder something. “But the devotion and affection I feel for you is entirely different. Accept your feelings and use this chance at love and happiness and let me go. Your dreams should be about her!”

“Neroon, thank you,” I whisper. My heart pounds frantically as his form fades away underneath my fingertips. “No,” I exclaim, hoping he’ll return to me, but a moment later I’m all alone. Neroon will never again appear in my dreams and I cry softly at the loss.

The next morning I drag myself in to the bathroom to take a shower. Listlessly I watch the water drops crawl down my skin. Vividly remembering last night’s dream I feel like Neroon has thrown me in to the deep.

I chose to dress in black pants and one of my turtle necked shirts and slip in to my boots. Looking in the mirror I study my eyes. They reflect my confusion and as I leave my quarters to get breakfast I remember Susan will be there as well.

I enter the hall and realize Stephen and Susan are already eating and talking lividly. I catch my name and wish I knew what’s going on.

“Marcus, come join us!” Stephen says with a smile on his face.

I grab a dish and place several food items on it. Sitting down I observe Susan who’s once more wearing her blue tunic. “Did you sleep well?” I inquire and avoid her eyes.

“Yes,” Susan replies in a cheerful tone and exchanges a glance with Stephen.

“I’ve got some good news for you,” Stephen starts.

“Good news? Did your medical equipment short circuit?” I say jokingly and concentrate on the food.

“I’m leaving tonight. Delenn sent a White Star, which will pick me up. Looks like they can’t do without me on the station.”

My fork drops on to the plate with a bang. I’m not sure how to feel about this, but I know Stephen has neglected his duties far too long to look after me. It’s a miracle they didn’t order him back earlier. “Are you leaving too?” I ask Susan and dread the answer.

“No, I’m staying a little longer… until after your encounter with Shitaro.”

Mentally I say a silent prayer and smile weakly.

“Langar will carry out your daily checks from now on,” Stephen says and leans back, wiping his lips with a napkin. “Do me a favor and behave for a change?”

“I always behave!” I object and feel saddened losing his company. “I’ll miss having you around.”

“We’ll keep in touch, Marcus.” Stephen gets to his feet and says, “ I need to get packing, Marcus.”

“You’ll stop by before you’ll leave?” I ask quickly.

Stephen nods his head. “Of course I will! After all you’re my favorite patient!”

As we reach the end of another exhausting training session I notice Susan slip inside the dojo and take a seat on the floor. I tell myself to keep focused, but I fail. It does tell me one thing. I can’t concentrate on fighting when she’s around. I hope she isn’t planning on accompanying me to the trial.

“We’ll stop now,” Dalmar says and closes his pike. “I expect you to be here at sunrise.”

I bow and Dalmar leaves after casting a look at Susan who got up and is now walking over to me.

“I never realized how taxing pike fighting must be!” Susan smiles and adds in a mischievous tone, “I prefer a PPG.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I reply and am hesitant to touch her after working out. I’m sweaty and my clothes are damp from my workout. Valen only knows what I smell like!

“You definitely need a shower!” Susan states.

She’s now circling me and I’ve got no idea what she’s up to.

“I want to walk in the gardens with you =after= you cleaned up!”

“Making demands already?” I quip in return and desperately think of a way to get back at her. “I’ll oblige you, milady,” I whisper and bow, ‘if you wear that dress again tonight!”

Susan licks her lips and cocks her head. “You’ve got a deal, Cole!”

Susan wraps an arm around my waist as we enter the garden. She fits perfectly against my body and I love feeling her pulse underneath my fingertips.

“Marcus, do you think you’ll ever return to Babylon 5?” she says unexpectedly.

Her question briefly stuns me. “Let’s sit down here?” I suggest and she leans her back against my chest. I fold my arms around her and rest my head on her shoulder. “I hope so,” I say in the end.

“What would it take?”

“Defeating Shitaro,” I realize. “Neroon once told me I’d regain my sense of self worth by facing Shitaro in combat and he was right.”

Susan changes her position until her hands clasp my arms. “Shitaro… you must hate him.”

“I try hard not to think of him,” I stutter ashamed. “But yes, I hate him. I want him to suffer the same humiliation he made me go through, but I can’t have that.”

“Marcus?” Susan turns in the embrace. “Can you tell me what he did to you?”

Looking in to her calm eyes I use them as an anchor in this emotional storm about to sweep through me. “I feel ashamed, “ I try to explain to her.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Susan says soothingly. “From what Delenn told me I gather Shitaro is a sadistic pervert who feeds on the fear of his prisoners.”

Her words make me cringe. “Susan, please.”

“No, Marcus. I want you to stop blaming yourself for what he did to you. I see pain in your eyes and I accept that, but nothing justifies the =shame= that you feel!”

“Susan, I love you,” I whisper and brush her lips. “But I need time.”

“You have it, but you’ve got to stop running, Marcus.”

“I will, when I face Shitaro at court,” I promise. “We’ve got 3 days until I’ve got to leave and I want you to stay here.”

“Stay?” Susan exclaims indignantly. “I’m coming with you!”

“No,” I state determined, “You’ll distract me and Shitaro will exploit that weakness. Please, Susan, I don’t want you to hear my testimony.”

“Why?” she asks baffled.

“Because they’ll want to hear details to make sure I’m not lying,” I say in a tiny voice. “Please?”

“You’re calling the shots.”

Susan’s reply surprises me and I raise an eyebrow.

“I can’t force you to take me along,” Susan says sulking slightly. “But I want you to know I would have.”

“I know,” I reply and kiss her lips. “And I love you even more for accepting me for what I am, Susan.” Now that this is settled I surrender to her closeness and allow her to deepen the kiss. This time I willingly open my teeth to grant her entry.

In dark places part 45

Marcus

As the impressive building that houses the High Court of Yedor appears I try to hang on to the little composure I’ve got left. I manage to focus on Susan’s eyes, which I locked firmly in my memory. I hate leaving her behind, but I still think it’s best this way. I’ve got concentrate on taking down Shitaro.

“We’re starting landing procedures,” Dalmar says in a calm tone.

Nervous I take turns looking at my companions. Vallo, Langar and Dalmar were determined to accompany me and wouldn’t except no for an answer. In retrospect I’m glad they refused to listen to my pleas. Having them close makes me feel a little bit safer. The real test will be looking Shitaro in the eyes and not caving in.

“Understood,” I reply and straighten out my ranger cloak. At the request of the Court I dressed in my uniform. It feels weird wearing it again. I’m also wearing the necklace Neroon gave me. It serves as a reminder as to why I’m actually doing this. Sometimes I manage to block out the worst memories concerning my captivity, as they become too painful, but not today.

“Do you want us close?” Langar asks concerned.

“Yes,” I quickly confirm. “I’m not that brave. Don’t leave me alone with Shitaro!”

“Are you still determined to challenge him?” Dalmar inquires as he lands the shuttle.

“Yes,” I hiss, “and I will beat him!”

The three Minbari stay at my side as we make our way through the corridors of the glass like structure. Thankfully Langar leads the way. Now as the moment of truth approaches I’m getting cold feet. I trained hard to get back in to shape, but I fear I’ll freeze up the moment I see Shitaro’s face.

“What do they expect me to do?” I ask Langar who seems to have inside information as he leads us straight to a conference room. Dalmar cautiously watches everyone who passes by and his alertness is starting to work on my nerves.

“Hirano, one of Shitaro’s former guards spoke earlier of his crimes. The Court probably wants to know whether you agree to his testimony and if you want to add anything.”

“Will Shitaro be there?”

“Not yet,” Langar replies, completely in control of his emotions. “First the Court will judge his actions. Only when they proclaim their verdict in public Shitaro will be present.”

Relieved, I draw in a few deep breaths. I just received more time to mentally prepare myself for the ultimate confrontation. A metal door opens and Langar gestures me to step inside first.

The room itself is an example of Minbari sparseness. A player and a number of crystals are displayed on a metallic desk. Next to the desk stands an elderly Minbari dressed in brown robes. His facial hair briefly reminds me of Shitaro’s visage. Thankfully the colored glass warms the office. Only now I notice the three Minbari warriors in the corner of the room. Seeing their uniforms I sigh relieved realizing Shitaro isn’t among them.

“Greetings,” the elderly Minbari says. “My name is Yzil and I’m the chairman during this trial.”

I nod my head and look at Langar for support. The healer smiles and I feel reassured by his presence.

“Let me introduce the others to you.” Yzil gestures towards the three warriors. “Regrettably they do not speak Standard.”

I bite my lip, trying not to show my unease and I wish this part were already done.

“As is custom three clan leaders were selected to judge our brother’s crimes. They represent the Star Riders, the Fire Wings and the Night Walkers.”

Awkwardly I bow and they return the gesture. I’ve heard of the different warrior clans during training but I never expected to ever meet their leaders! “I’m Marcus,” I whisper eventually.

“We know,” Yzil says politely.

After Vallo, Dalmar and Langar introduced themselves, Yzil takes my arm and leads me to the desk. I dislike being touched, but feel too intimidated to speak up, afraid I’m overreacting. But being in a room with several Minbari warriors is unnerving.

At his gesture a second door opens and I freeze in my tracks recognizing the man who now enters the room. “It’s you,” I stutter embarrassed. “You brought me water and…” Suddenly I remember Neroon’s words. “You contacted Neroon, asking him to help me escape.”

“Yes, I did,” Hirano replies in Standard. “I couldn’t stand by and watch Shitaro… torture you.”

“We wrote down Hirano’s statement, ” Yzil says and picks up a crystal. “We realize that this brings back painful memories on your part. I suggest you read his statement over first. Then you can write down your own.”

I look questioningly at Langar. Does this mean I won’t have to tell my story in public?

“We will leave you alone now,” Yzil states and inserts one crystal. “Or would you like someone to remain present?”

I need a moment to think that one over and I’m not sure what to reply. I do realize I need to do this right the first time around. “Hirano, will you stay?” I want our testimonies to match.

Hirano nods his head and waits for Yzil’s approval. As the chairman doesn’t object Hirano lowers his eyes.

After they’ve left I hesitantly approach Hirano. He’s the only eyewitness who can testify to what Shitaro did to me and ashamed I start to feel nauseous. My former determination to confront Shitaro is fading fast. Maybe challenging him to death is foolish and I should abort that plan.

“Take your time, Marcus,” Hirano says as the screen shows the first page of his statement.

My knees give out on me and I take a seat. Slowly, I read each line carefully. I flinch reading his report and everything comes back to me in a flash, the thirst and hunger, the lights and darkness that completely disorientated me, those first beatings and then…

“Shitaro and his guards sexually assaulted the human prisoner several times.” Reading it aloud is less frightening than keeping quiet. “You witnessed that too?” I stammer.

“Yes,” Hirano confirms, staring hard at the floor. “I hoped Alit Neroon would appear in time to stop it.”

“He did eventually,” I admit and clench my hands into fists in a vain attempt to keep back my tears. “I owe you my life,” I realize and refuse to look at the screen. Hirano covered every gruelling detail of Shitaro’s abuse.

“I only contacted Alit Neroon. =He= was the one who managed to get you off Shitaro’s war cruiser. I heard he died and… I want to offer you my sincere sympathy at that loss. I always respected him.”

“Let’s get this over with. Where do I sign?” I state emotionally. I want to return to Susan and never again be reminded of my past. Hirano shows me the scrolls and I sign them. Impatiently I get to my feet. “What’s going to happen next?”

Hirano steps outside and a moment later Yzil appears. I clasp my hands behind my back; afraid their trembling will give me away. “His report is correct,” I say and watch Yzil’s depressed eyes.

“It pains me that one of us is capable of such crimes,” Yzil says. “Shitaro’s punishment will be in proportion to his loathsome actions.”

“What are you going to do to him?” I want to know and back away a few steps as the three Minbari warriors enter to collect the scrolls and crystals. Silently they leave without muttering a single word.

“That’s for the council to decide,” Yzil says, pointing at the three Minbari clan leaders who now disappear in to the corridor.

“But… “ Speechless I sink back in to the chair. Reading Hirano’s report brought back memories I managed to lock out.

“They will strip Shitaro of his rank, but that’s hardly satisfactory regarding his crimes,” Yzil reveals eventually.

I know my moment has come, and in an ice-cold tone I state, “I want to challenge Shitaro to Denn’sha. It is my right to try and reclaim my honor.”

“Yes,” Yzil says and sits down as well. “I heard about you taking on Neroon one cycle ago. You defeated him on philosophical grounds. Shitaro however, has nothing to lose and =will= fight to the death.”

“It’s my right to challenge him and you won’t deny me!” I snarl, as my chance to restore my honor vanishes. “I want him!”

“Don’t misunderstand me,” Yzil whispers in a similar tone, “had Shitaro done this to me I would seek vengeance as well, but… as a human you will be at a disadvantage during battle.”

“I can beat him! Ask Dalmar,” I reply, getting desperate. Yzil studies me and I force myself not to avert my eyes. I’ve got to convince him.