Title: Secret Desire

Author: Morgana
Author’s email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairing: Jonne/Eero and Ville/Juha and Janne Selo/ Arttu

Rating: NC-17
Summary: Juha moves in with Ville (and Jonne)

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

Not beta read -- all mistakes are mine.

Secret Desire

Part 1

“Fuck, it’s not… cooperating!” Ville throws the screwdriver onto the floor, crosses his arms in front of him, and pouts.

The way he’s sitting there, sulking and giving me a needy look, makes me chuckle and I sit down next to him. “Maybe I can help?” I don’t have much experience in putting together beds from IKEA, but I can try.

“Thanks, Juha, but I said I would do it.”

I put my arm around Ville and he leans against me. “You already did so much for me.” He really did. Thanks to Ville, my life is okay again. I stayed two more weekends with Ville and Jonne after my first leave. And as everything went well, my therapist threatened to kick me out of the clinic if I didn’t move out myself. He wouldn’t have done that – kick me out – but his threat got the point across.

I accepted Ville’s offer to move in with him and Jonne, and during the last week, we painted the music room anew. Instead of the white paint, which clung to the walls before – and reminded me of my room at the clinic – we painted it into a soft yellow now. Yesterday, Ville and I went to IKEA and we bought a bed. It’s a single, as the room is too small for a double, but I don’t mind. Ville can snuggle up to me if he wants to, and if we want more space, we can move into his.

A comfortable chair, a small desk, and several plants complete the interior. I brought along the clover, which Ville bought me some weeks ago and put it on the windowsill. I’m happy – I truly am. The room might be small, but it already feels like home.

“I hate IKEA!” Ville says, drawing my attention.

“Come on, it can’t be that hard.” I pick up the instructions, look them over, and try my luck. “Hold on to that piece, will you?” Working together, we manage to assemble the bed within the next ten minutes. Feeling content, I put the screwdriver down and I give Ville a pleased look. “We did it.”

“You did it… I just helped…”

I rub Ville’s arm through his shirt and press a kiss onto his cheek. During these last few weeks, it became easier for me to touch and kiss Ville. Ahto is still on my mind – and a lot – but I no longer feel a prisoner of my past. I thought a lot about what Ville and Jarmo had said, that Ahto wouldn’t want me to lock myself away and I think they’re right. Ahto would want me to try again.

“Hey, you look worried.”

I smile at Ville and shake my head. “I’m not worried – I was merely thinking of the last few weeks and the changes they brought. I’m blessed to get a second chance like this – with you.”

“Hey, I’m the lucky one!”

The smile on Ville’s face has a rare quality to it – he looks radiant – and truly happy. And I’m happy too – happier than I have been in a long time and I have Ville to thank for it. Slowly, I lean in closer and seek out his lips. So far, our kisses remained chaste and Ville seems okay with that. I’m simply not ready for more. I need time and Ville knows it. Ville smiles at me when I release his lips and his expression makes me blush. “We should get the bed ready,” I say, needing to break the growing intimacy.

Fortunately, Ville gets the hint. He rises from the floor, extends his arm toward me, and I take hold of his hand. He pulls me to my feet, and together, we put the mattress and the bed linen in place.

Ville chuckles. “I should have known you would pick a design like that.”

“What’s wrong with it?” I happen to like red!

“Nothing in particular. It simply fits you.”

I nod and ask no further. Ville has taken to pestering me and he always succeeds in getting a reaction from me.

“Does it feel like home now?” Ville puts the comforter on the bed and straightens the material. He looks about the room. “I hope so.”

“It does… Ville, this is more than I could have wished for. Jonne and you – you made me feel at home by welcoming me in this way.” Ville walks up to me and wraps his arms around me. He’s constantly touching me – hugging me, stroking my hair or caressing my skin. I like it – but it still feels odd.

“And thankfully you’re allowing us to make you feel at home.”

Ville presses a kiss onto the tip of my nose and the sensation makes me giggle. “Stop that.” I’m ticklish there.

“What do you want to do this evening? Jonne and Eero are going out for dinner so we have the place to ourselves.”

“Maybe watch a movie?”

Ville nods. “We can do that…” His expression turns serious and he asks, “Did you decide about surgery yet?”

I have been stalling and we both know it. I lower my gaze and shrug. “I know that you want me to do it.” Ville nods, places a finger beneath my chin, and lifts my face so I have to look at him.

“It’s your decision, not mine, but yes, I think you should do it. You will be in discomfort for six weeks, but after that, you can use your hand properly again.”

“I know that it’s the right thing to do –rationally thinking, but… It’ll bring back memories…and there will be pain.” It will remind me of the days when I woke up in hospital. I remember that a police officer had showed up and confirmed that Ahto was dead. I had wanted to die back then, and for weeks, I cursed the nurse who had found me after I had slashed my wrists. She had stopped the bleeding and had saved my life by doing that. These days, I feel grateful that she rescued me, but back then…

“Even if the memories return,” Ville says, “I’ll be there for you. I’ll support you. You don’t have to do this on your own. We’re in this together.”

I love Ville for offering me his unconditional love and support: it pulled me back from the brink. I love him… But I can’t say the words yet. “Thanks, Ville,” I say instead and pull him against me. “Thank you so much.” Ville hugs me close and when he pulls away, his eyes glisten. “Don’t cry,” I tell him.

“Sorry… but I’m happy.” Ville rubs my back and I smile at him. “You make me happy, Juha.”

Suddenly the door opens and Jonne puts his head around the corner. “Hey, are you done in here?”

“Yes, we’re done. The room is ready,” Ville confirms.

Ville takes my hand in his and pulls me along to the doorway. Jonne grins and I wonder why. I know both brothers quite well by now and I know that Jonne is up to something.

“Can you come into the living room then? I have something to say,” Jonne announces. He moves away from the doorway and disappears from view. His ankle no longer bothers him and his walk is fluid again.

“Ville, what’s this about?” I can tell by the look in Ville’s eyes that he knows what Jonne is up to and I don’t like feeling left out.

“It’s nothing bad,” Ville reassures me. “You don’t need to worry. Just come along.”

Ville pulls me along until we’re standing in the living room. Jonne cuddled up to Eero, who looks happy at being able to run his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair.

“Jonne, what is this about?” I became more confident these last few weeks. Two months ago, I wouldn’t have dared to address Jonne like this.

Jonne crooks a finger and signals me to come closer still. I take a step toward him, but then halt, as I don’t know what’s going on.

“I have something for you – three things actually.” Jonne raises his hand, which is a fist and then opens it. Three keys appear in his palm.

I blink. “Is that supposed to tell me something?” Keys? Why is he giving me keys?

“You need keys now that you live here,” Jonne explains. “This one is from downstairs – the main entrance… Then you need one for the front door and the third key belongs to your room.”

I blink again. “A key to my room?”

“We want you to have your privacy. You should be able to retreat when you want to,” Ville says. He moves until he’s face to face with me and takes the keys from Jonne’s hand. “This is your home too.”

Ville puts the keys into my hand and closes my fingers over them. My throat chokes up and I’m not sure that I can speak. I don’t know what to say. This means a lot to me. Back at the clinic, I had no privacy and now Ville’s offering me exactly that. “Thanks,” I whisper in a shaky voice.

“Is there anything else you need?” Jonne asks as he gets to his feet again. Eero follows his example and the two of them give me an expectant look. I’m not the only one who went through changes. Eero did so too. When he looks at Jonne these days, his insecurity is gone. He holds Jonne’s hand tightly in his and speaks his mind when he wants to share his thoughts. He didn’t do that at first.

“Not at the moment.” I look Jonne in the eyes and nod. “Everything’s right.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Jonne moves closer and pulls me into a hug. “Eero and I are going out for dinner. Do you want to tag along?”

I shake my head. “No, it’s okay… You need your privacy too… I’ll stay here with Ville.” I don’t mind one bit. I rather spend the evening in private with Ville than have dinner in a restaurant – in a public place.

“In that case, don’t wait up for us,” Jonne says as he moves toward the doorway with Eero in tow. “We’ll see you in the morning!” Jonne and Eero leave the living room and it’s just Ville and me now.

Ville releases my hand and I sigh deeply. “Thanks for these.” I put the keys in my pocket. Jonne just welcomed me into the family and I appreciate it. Ville is about to say something when the doorbell rings.

“I’m not expecting anyone,” he says and frowns. During the next moment, a key turns the lock and opens the door. “It must be Tommi… He has a key to the apartment.”

“Tommi?” I grow insecure. “He is your oldest brother, isn’t he?” Ville told me about Tommi, but I haven’t met him yet. “Do you want me to go to my room so you can talk to him?”

“Nonsense!” Ville states loudly. “It’s about time the two of you met. Don’t worry… Tommi’s a nice guy.”

Ville’s words don’t reassure me though. I might have grown more confident, but that doesn’t mean I’m no longer shy – and I still don’t like meeting new people. I don’t get the time to retreat into my room though as Tommi already entered the living room. He’s tall – I didn’t know that… Tall and bulky. He doesn’t resemble Ville much, or Jonne. “Ville…” I tug at Ville’s hand, but he doesn’t react to my plea. Instead, he raises his other arm and waves at Tommi.

“Hey, it’s good to see you!” Ville releases my hand, walks over to his oldest brother, and hugs Tommi.

I can’t possibly leave now – behind Ville’s back so to speak. I remain where I am. Tommi wraps Ville in a hug and rubs his brother’s back. It’s obvious that he cares a great deal about Ville and that’s why I’ll give Tommi a chance. I don’t trust people easily though – not anymore – and he’ll have to gain my trust.

“I saw Jonne leaving on my way in…Where’s he going?” Tommi asks while removing his coat.

“Eero and he are eating out…” Ville turns toward me and his expression tells me that he wants me to approach. I take a step closer toward him, but then freeze. Tommi is a stranger, even if he’s Ville’s and Jonne’s brother.

“Tommi, this is Juha… I told you about him, remember?” Ville claims my hand again and smiles reassuringly. “Juha, this is Tommi, my older brother.”

I stare at Tommi and he stares right back at me. I’m lost for words and squirm, trying to free my hand from Ville’s hold, but he’s not letting go.

“Hello, I’m Tommi,” he says and inclines his head. “Ville *did* tell me about you and it’s great to finally meet you.”

All right, that doesn’t sound too bad. Maybe I will manage something similar. “Ville talks a lot about you too…” My voice trembles and I feel awkward: Tommi is Ville’s brother and this shouldn’t be so hard. “Sorry,” I whisper as I decide to be honest. “I don’t do well when meeting new people.”

“That’s okay…” Tommi smiles at me. “Ville, is there a chance to get some coffee?”

“Sure, let’s move this into the kitchen then!”

Ville releases my hand and guides Tommi into the kitchen, leaving me alone in the living room. I finally regain my freedom and can lock myself away in my room, if I want that… But do I want that though? I locked myself away for too long already and I gained nothing by retreating into my shell. Gathering my courage, I join Tommi and Ville in the kitchen.

Ville is in the process of making coffee and Tommi busies himself by eating cookies. They’re seated at the kitchen table and Ville gives me a brilliant smile upon seeing me stand there.

“Do you want tea?” Ville asks.

I nod and sit down next to Ville, which happens to be the spot farthest away from Tommi. I feel Tommi’s eyes on me and I don’t know how to react. Ville’s busy making coffee and tea and can’t help me.

“You look familiar,” Tommi remarks and frowns. “You remind me of someone.”

I shrug, as I have no idea who I resemble. “I never saw you before – I know that.” Ville puts a cup of tea in front of me and I wrap my fingers around it.

Tommi nods. “That’s true enough, but still… You remind me of someone.”

“Are you staying for dinner, Tommi?” Ville says in an attempt to distract his brother.

“No, I don’t think so. I just closed Negative’s deal with Warner and need to get some last paperwork done. After that, I’m considering going on a holiday.”

Ville pouts and I wonder why. I raise an eyebrow questioningly at him. Ville gives me an apologetic look.

“Normally, Tommi takes me along when he goes on a holiday,” Ville explains.

Now it’s Tommi turn to look skeptically at his youngest brother. “I thought you would want to stay with Juha.”

“You’re right, of course,” Ville says and wraps his fingers around my good hand. “I don’t want to be without him…”

Ville’s words make me blush. “You can still go on a holiday with Tommi. Jonne’s around to keep an eye on me.”

“No fucking way,” Ville states firmly. “Jonne has his head up in the clouds since he’s together with Eero and…” Ville wants to continue but stops because Tommi coughs loudly. “What?” he says and turns toward his brother.

“Someone could have told me that the two of them are together,” Tommi remarks, obviously feeling left out.

“But you know they are dating! I told you!” Ville looks offended.

“Yes, but no one told me that they’re officially a couple! I should know that! I’m the one who has to answer the questions from the press!”

“Cut it out, Tommi,” Ville shakes his head and frowns. “You’re feeling left out, that’s it. Nobody stops you from spending more time with us!”

I wonder if I shouldn’t leave and give them some privacy, but when I want to get up, Ville tugs at my hand and shakes his head. I remain seated and exchange a curious look with Ville.

“It’s like this most of the time. You’ll get used to it. Tommi and I… we…”

“Banter…” Tommi explains and sips from his coffee. “It’s a common thing among brothers.”

“Don’t you banter with Jarmo?” Ville asks curiously.

“Not much,” I have to admit. “Very seldom.”

“That’s odd.” Ville steals a cookie from Tommi’s plate and gets his fingers slapped for it. “Tommi, cut it out!” Ville grins at me though. “See?”

“I know what you mean,” I confirm. “But Jarmo and I… We always got along in a ‘normal’ way.” I wink at Ville. Ville pulls my good hand close and presses it against his chest.

“When are you going on vacation, Tommi?” Ville wants to know.

“I’m not sure yet… Maybe I’ll go, maybe I won’t.”

Ville nods toward me. “That’s Tommi. People always think that Jonne and I are unpredictable, but that’s not true – Tommi is!”

Tommi finishes his coffee, puts another cookie into his mouth, and gets to his feet. “I’ll leave if you start like that.” He raises an arm and attempts to ruffle Ville’s hair. “It’s damn annoying that I can’t mess up your hair anymore!”

“I’m not sure I want it to grow again,” Ville muses. “It’s much less work this way!”

“Ah well, it’s your call!” Tommi slips into his coat and raises his hand in goodbye. “I’ll be seeing you! Bye, Ville, bye, Juha!” He looks over his shoulder and then leaves the kitchen.

“Does he always do that?” I wonder. “Show up like that and leave?”

Ville nods. “That’s typically Tommi.” Ville rubs my fingers and presses a kiss onto the back of my hand. “In a way, I feel a bit sorry for him. Jonne has Negative – and now Eero too. I have Flinch, and you of course, but Tommi… Tommi only has his work.”

“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”

“He had some in the past, but things never worked out.” Ville turns thoughtful. “I think Tommi is a loner by heart. I don’t think he will quickly enter a serious relationship.”

“That’s a pity…” The way Ville watches me makes me feel weak. He has a soft expression in his eyes and he’s moving closer again… A moment later, his lips press against mine and he’s kissing me. Until now, I didn’t feel comfortable deepening the kiss, but the moment seems right and I *do* want more. I part my lips and Ville immediately accepts the invitation. Our tongues meet and move around each other in a sensual dance. I break off the kiss a minute later. Moving away from Ville, I peek at him from between the strands of my hair. He looks damn pleased with himself.

“That was a great kiss,” Ville whispers and caresses my face. “You have no idea how happy I am that you’re giving us a chance, Juha.”

I smile shyly. “I’m happy about this too. When you walked into my room three months ago, I had no idea this would happen. You changed my life, Ville.” Ville puts his arm around me and pulls me close. I still feel guilty for falling in love again, but I can’t help feeling this way. Ahto, no matter how much I loved him, is dead. He can’t be there for me anymore. He will always live on in my heart, but I need more… I need to love… and be loved. I need and I want Ville in my life.

“Do I want to know what’s going on in your head right now?” Ville asks in a worried voice.

“I was thinking about Ahto,” I admit. “Hanging onto a memory isn’t enough for me. You were right all along. I need more – I need someone to be with me. I need you.” Admitting that isn’t so hard anymore. It was hard in the past, but Ville helped me move on. “Ville…” I moisten my lips, which is a sure sign that I’m nervous.

“Yes?” Ville cocks his head questioningly.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” I bite down on my bottom lip. “I’m not someone who messes about. I like to be in a stable relationship. I like clarity.” Ville’s expression clears and he smiles at me. I guess he likes the idea of making it official.

“Oh yes, trust me, I want that! I want that more than anything else!” Ville hugs me tight and showers my face with kisses. “Juha, I want to be with you – I really do.”

“Are you really sure about that?” I whisper softly. “Because if I decide to have my hand reconstructed I’ll need you at my side. Are you sure you want to take on a cripple?” And I feel like a cripple in more ways than one. Yes, I am healing – slowly – but I need Ville to complete the process. He needs to know what he’s taking on if he decides to be with me in that way. “When I’m ready to go in, will you come with me? I can’t do this alone.”

“I will support you! I already told you that you don’t have to do this alone!”

Ville’s words reassure me. “I’ll be a nuisance for weeks… I won’t be able to use my hand properly.”

“I’ll help… And when I’m not there, Jonne, Eero, and even Tommi will help! I think Tommi likes you!”

“How did you reach that conclusion?” I don’t think Tommi particularly liked me.

“I know my brother and know what he’s like. You can trust me when I say that he likes you!”

I have to take Ville’s word for it then. I want to believe that Tommi likes me – that would make everything much easier.

~~~

“Jack’s funny.” I never saw Pirates of the Caribbean before and I had no idea what to expect when Ville suggested we should watch it. Ville made a good choice though. “Are there more movies like that?”

Ville nods. “We watched part one… There are three of them in total. I guess I know what we will be doing during the next few evenings!”

I cuddled up to Ville on the couch and he covered us with a throw. My head rests against his shoulder and I feel at peace. We had tea and biscuits and as far as I’m concerned, it’s a perfect evening. “It’s odd,” I say, needing to share my thoughts. “It’s odd that there’s no nurse walking in or patients screaming at the end of the corridor. It’s quiet and peaceful here.” Ville strokes my hair and I close my eyes in bliss.

“I’m glad you moved out of the clinic.”

“They were going to kick me out at any rate!” I chuckle. “It’s not like I had a choice!” I’m happy though about the way things worked out. A quick look at the clock tells me that it’s eleven PM already. At the clinic, I would have been in bed for an hour now. It’s probably still early for Ville, but it’s late for me and I can’t fight back a big yawn. “Sorry.”

“Want to go to bed? Yours, mine? Alone or together?” Ville asks in a soft voice.

I knew that question would come up and I prepared an answer. “I want you close…” Ville smiles at hearing that. “Your bed,” I say, anticipating his next question.

“That’s great.” Ville switches off the television and gets to his feet. He pulls me to mine, and while I head for the bathroom, Ville disappears into his room. I brush my teeth, run my fingers through my hair, and realize it needs dyeing. I slip into the T-shirt, which I put out earlier in the evening and walk over to Ville’s room. I don’t know why, but I knock on the door. “Ville?”

“Almost ready! One more moment!”

I wonder why the door is closed and why Ville is stalling. “Is everything all right in there?”

“Just great!” Ville opens the door and for some reason looks flustered. “Come inside!”

Ville steps aside so I can enter the room and I blink in surprise. Ville put on romantic music, scattered rose petals on the bed, and lit scented candles in front of the window.

“I want your first “real” night here to be special,” Ville explains, looking shy.

“It is working,” I compliment him and press a kiss onto his lips. “Am I supposed to sleep between those rose petals or…?” Ville gives me a naughty look, takes my good hand in his, and backs up toward the bed while pulling me along.

“We can get rid of them later,” he whispers, as he sits down on the bed.

He pats the space next to him and I sit down. I should feel nervous, but for some reason, I don’t. “I like it here,” I tell Ville in an unguarded moment. “I like being here with you. I haven’t been at peace for a long time.”

Ville puts an arm around me and I move closer. Our lips meet and lock in a kiss, which Ville deepens. His fingers rub my back through the fabric of my shirt and I realize that I don’t want this moment to end. This is heaven. The kiss, however, ends eventually, and when I pull away from Ville, I smile at seeing the happy expression on his face.

“We should get some sleep…”

Ville moves the rose petals out of the way and we lie down. Ville lies down on his back and I turn onto my side, so I can cuddle up to him. I rest my head against his shoulder and drape my arm possessively across his chest. “I smell roses,” I tease him.

“That’s because of the rose petals,” Ville replies and chuckles. “Look at the way the flames move… It’s mesmerizing, don’t you think?”

Ville’s a romantic soul, it seems. I should have known – considering the presents he brought me when I stayed at the clinic. “The flames dance…” Ville presses his lips onto my hair and kisses the strands. Feeling at peace, and loved, I close my eyes and savor the moment. “I want to stay like this forever.”

“Unfortunately, we can’t. We have things to do tomorrow.”

I grow curious. “What kind of things?” I don’t bother to open my eyes though – I’m perfectly comfortable the way I am.

“I want to start writing new songs for Flinch… Tommi has been nagging about a new album, so I had better get started. I also promised Jonne to buy groceries and Arttu asked if we would join him at Klubi for a drink.”

I didn’t expect having to do so many things the next day, but I’ll comply. I want to be with Ville and I *do* need to get used to leading a normal life again. “You like Arttu.”

“Arttu’s a good friend. Eero is my best friend though. We have known each other since Kindergarten when he ruined the sand castle I had built. He kicked it apart and I whacked him. We both got into trouble for that, but it turned us into friends. We’re always there for each other. I met Arttu later… I was about fifteen at the time. Jonne was hanging out with the band and Antti had brought his younger brother along because he had promised their mother that he would babysit. That’s how Arttu and I met.”

“It’s nice to have such good friends.” I feel melancholy and think of Mikko, but Mikko lives in Oulu and can’t visit that often. Like Jarmo, he’s tied down by work. Oh, Jarmo! I almost forgot about him! I open my eyes and sit up in bed with a start.

“What’s wrong?” Ville sounds alarmed and elbows himself into an upright position.

“I promised Jarmo that I would find him a place to stay! He’s coming down to Tampere the day after tomorrow! I promised that he didn’t have to stay at a hotel. He’s staying for a week, Ville, and I have no place to put him… Or do you think we can put him up in my room? I will stay with you then!”

Ville however shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You need your privacy and so does Jarmo. Let me think about it, all right? Maybe I’ll come up with something in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”

Ville lies down again and pulls me along with him. I snuggle up to him, but I still worry. “I promised that I would find him a place to stay.”

“As I said, don’t worry about it… I might already know the solution to your little problem.”

“You do?” I raise my head and rest my chin on his chest. “What did you come up with?”

“Tommi has a guestroom. We can put Jarmo there. Tommi isn’t at home that much and they will hardly see each other. I’ll call Tommi in the morning to ask him. I don’t expect him to have problems with it.”

“That would be great! That way, my older brother gets to know your older brother!” It sounds perfect to me.

“See, problem solved. Now go to sleep. Your eyes are closing.”

He’s right – I’m awfully tired. I make myself comfortable and sigh deeply. “Night, Ville… sweet dreams…”

“Night, Juha, and have some sweet dreams too.”

The last thing I notice is Ville kissing my hair again and then I’m asleep.

~~~

“Morning… rise and shine…”

Ville’s voice wakes me and he sounds awfully chipper. I smell something – I am not sure what it is and open my eyes. Ville’s sitting on the bed with his back resting against the head board. He balances a tray on his lap -- a well-equipped tray, if I may add. “Is that orange juice? And tea?” I sit up and smile at him.

“Freshly pressed orange juice,” Ville says and winks. “I even went to the bakery and got muffins, just for you.”

“You don’t have to do things like this for me.” I feel flattered though. I reach for the orange juice and sip from it. I should enjoy being spoiled like this – who knows how long it will last.

Ville shrugs and drinks from his coffee. “The bakery is around the corner and I like seeing you happy.”

Ville offers me a muffin and I take a bite out of it. “Tastes good.” I swallow the food and lean in closer to kiss Ville on the lips. “How did you sleep?”

“I slept like a rose… I didn’t wake up once during the night and this morning, the sun woke me.” Ville puts down his coffee. “You look sweet when you’re asleep, do you know that? I admit to watching you for about ten minutes this morning. I had a hard time convincing myself to leave the bed.”

I lower my gaze. I can’t imagine looking special when I’m asleep – or maybe it’s just the fact that I’m not used to receiving compliments anymore. Ahto always complimented me a lot. Ville takes a bite out of my muffin and that move makes me raise my gaze.

“Hey, I like muffins too!” Ville chuckles and his fingers slide into my hair, which is a mess. I really need to shower and wash it. “Let’s enjoy breakfast for another ten minutes and then get moving… You can have the bathroom first.”

“Thanks, I really need to clean up.” I nibble on the muffin and reach for the tea. “Ville… In a way, this feels surreal. I still expect to wake up in my room at the clinic, but then I wake up in your arms.”

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it? Waking up in my arms instead?”

Ville sounds and looks insecure for some reason and I’m quick to reassure him. “It’s the best feeling in the world.” My answer seems to assure Ville who starts to smile again. “So what’s the first thing on your schedule today? Except for personal hygiene,” I add.

“We should get some groceries. I want to cook dinner for the four of us this evening, or five, in case Tommi decides to join us.”

“Okay, we go to the supermarket then.” The tempo in which I overcame my fear to go outside still amazes me. Two months ago, the mere thought of having to go the supermarket would have caused a panic attack. I still feel a bit uncomfortable, but the feeling is not that bad that it will stop me.

“And maybe we can drop by at the place Eero works. We can tease him some.”

I shake my head at that. “You know that he is still on ‘probation’ so to speak. We’re not going to cause problems!”

“Hum, I love it when you’re forceful,” Ville says purringly.

His comment causes me to grow flustered. “Knock it out!” I finish my muffin, empty my tea and peek at Ville. He looks adorable the way he sits there and stares at me – the expression in his eyes makes me feel special.

“I will give Tommi a call to find out if he’ll join us for dinner tonight. Take your time in the bathroom.”

Ville leans in closer, presses a kiss onto my lips and the tip of his tongue reaches for a crumb sitting on my bottom lip. He licks it off and a makes a show out of eating it. His action causes me to chuckle and I caress his face with my good hand. “I’m so happy that you came into my life, Ville.”

“Trust me, I’m happy too,” Ville says and kisses me again. “Join me in the kitchen once you’re ready?”

I nod and Ville rises from the bed. I don’t want him to leave, but I *do* need to clean up. Ville walks over to the door, turns around and smiles at me. His lips move and a “I love you,” leave them. I blush, but then compose myself again. “I love you too,” I whisper in turn. Ville is right – I can love him and cherish Ahto’s memory at the same time.

TBC

Part 2

I spy on Juha while we’re at the supermarket. Each time, he watches an item with interest, I make a mental note of it, so I can put it on my shopping list the next time we hit the store. I want to know everything about him and that includes his favorite foods.

I pay for everything and we put the groceries into some bags. I watch Juha again, always looking for a hint that indicates his current mood. He seems relaxed and comfortable being among people, but I know that the real test won’t come until we’re on the streets in the dark. But for now, we’ll stick to going outside while it’s light.

“What’s wrong?”

Juha’s question pulls me from my musings and I raise an eyebrow. “Nothing’s wrong. Why do you think anything is wrong?”

“Because you’re looking at me the entire time.” Juha gives me a shy look from behind his red strands. “Why else would you watch me?”

I smile. “Did it ever occur to you that I like to look at you? You’re handsome.” I wanted to say pretty, but stopped myself from doing so. Pretty sounds cute and Juha doesn’t do cute – at least he told me so repeatedly. I disagree though.

Juha’s blush deepens and he hides behind his hair again. He doesn’t say anything, but continues to put away the groceries. Once we bagged everything, we carry it out to my car. We put everything in the trunk and I drive home. I can’t stop myself from peeking at Juha and he notices my look. He gives me an odd look, which makes me grin.

Once we reach our building, I stop, and park the car. We get out the groceries and walk toward the main entrance. As I’m carrying most of the groceries, I look at Juha again. “Can you open the door? You have your keys with you, haven’t you?” Juha nods. He turns the key in the lock and while he does, the expression in his eyes changes. I need to know why. “What’s up?”

Juha shrugs. “It’s weird to have a place to come home to after being at the clinic for a year.” We enter the elevator and Juha presses the button, using his crippled hand. He frowns and by doing so, deep lines appear on his brow. “Maybe I shouldn’t get the surgery – I can manage like this.”

A sigh leaves my lips. I thought he had made his decision, but apparently, he still has doubts. Juha opens the door to the apartment and I head for the kitchen where I put the grocery bags onto the table. Turning around, I catch Juha in my arms and he looks at me in surprise. “Why are you having second doubts? I thought you wanted the surgery.”

Juha shrugs again and doesn’t look at me. He stares at the floor instead. “I like being able to help you out. I won’t be able to do that if I have surgery. You’ll have to help me out instead and I don’t want you –“

I know what’s coming and I don’t want to hear it. “Juha, I love you… I love *you* and I don’t mind having to help out. You won’t be a burden. I want to do this for you – with you.” I hope that I’m getting through to Juha, but I’m not sure. “Did you already set up an appointment with your surgeon?” I know that he called the hospital the other day to find out more about the reconstructive surgery, but I’m not sure he actually made an appointment.

“I did, but I’m not sure I should keep it.” Juha lowers his gaze and stares at the floor.

“When are you supposed to go in for that talk?”

“Tomorrow, but that’s when Jarmo arrives… So I can’t go to the hospital. Jarmo’s here because of me and I can’t desert him.”

I shake my head at hearing that. I tighten my hold on Juha and pull him tighter against me. “Look at me, will you?” It doesn’t matter how many attempts it will take for me to get through to him, I will continue. I won’t stop. Juha raises his head reluctantly and makes eye contact. I feel sad at seeing the pain and confusion in his eyes. “Jarmo will understand. He will encourage you to keep that appointment. He will support you, just like I will. Juha, we want you to recover and Jarmo will be pleased to hear that you’re having that talk with your surgeon. You won’t chase Jarmo off because you have to go the hospital.”

Juha’s eyes widen and I know I’m not there yet – I haven’t voiced the real reason why he’s having cold feet. “And after you had surgery, we will take care of you because we want to. Because we love you. You can do this – whatever demons keep you back, we will fight them together. Ahto would want you to do this.”

A tear escapes Juha’s eyes and I nod at him – understanding his fears, but we can’t give in to them. “I believe in you.” Juha leans in closer and folds his arms around me in turn. Hopefully I got through to him this time.

~~~

“Didn’t you say we were meeting Arttu for a drink?” Juha blinks in surprise. “Or did I misunderstand?”

We’re sitting at the kitchen table, nursing our drinks. Juha has his beloved tea – green tea to be exact. He was eyeing that one very closely in the supermarket, so I threw it into our cart. Frowning, I realize he’s right. “Arttu said he would give me a call, but he never did.” That’s very unlike Arttu. I uncover my mobile phone and dial his number. “Let’s find out what’s going on.”

It almost takes Arttu two minutes to answer. Had it been anyone else, I might have given up, but Arttu is a good friend and him not contacting me worries me.

“Arttu here…”

The first thing I notice is the strange hitch to Arttu’s voice. I instantly know that something’s wrong. “Hey, it’s me, Ville. What’s going on?”

“Oh shit, I forgot to call you! I’m sorry!”

Arttu doesn’t usually sound that apologetic and it sets off my alarm. Normally he covers up his mistakes by joking about them. “It’s not a problem. I just thought I should ring and find out if you’re coming over – for coffee or a beer, whatever you like.”

“Ville, I…”

Arttu seems lost for words, which is uncommon for him. I exchange a look with Juha and the expression in his eyes tells me that he has picked up on my anxiety. “Come on, we just made coffee and tea… You live down the street… It’s only a five minute walk for you!” I refuse to give up just yet. Arttu’s breath catches and if I’m not mistaken he’s quite nervous.

“I can’t come over right now…”

“We can come to your place if that’s easier for you.” Something is fishy and I want to know what’s going on.

“No!”

Arttu practically screams into the phone and I have put some distance between it and my ear. “Then come here…”

Arttu sighs audibly. “All right… I’ll be there within the hour. You’re a pest though.”

His words make me grin. “Now you know what’s like to be pestered.” Normally Arttu is the nuisance.

“I’ll be there… Don’t worry if I’m late… I still have stuff to do before I can come over.”

“That’s okay… Juha and I aren’t going anywhere… See you… Bye, Arttu.” I end the conversation and put the phone onto the kitchen table while watching it thoughtfully. “That was odd.”

Juha puts his good hand atop of mine and whispers, “You sound worried.”

“Arttu sounded off – like something bad had happened.”

“Wouldn’t he confide in you if something was wrong?”Juha wants to know.

“Most of the time, yes… But Arttu tends to keep stuff inside – especially when he’s upset. He tries to cover up his worries with jokes… but just now, he didn’t do even that. I’m worried – that wasn’t the Arttu I’m used to.”

“Then we will find out what’s wrong…and help if we can.”

That’s exactly why I love Juha… A moment ago, he panicked about surgery and now he worries about Arttu and wants to help. “I love you,” I whisper and fold my fingers around his good hand. I lift it, bring it to my lips, and kiss the fingertips one by one. As expected, Juha blushes, but this time, he also smiles.

~~~

“Don’t worry, I’ll get it!”

Juha beats me to the front door. I let him and stay in the living room. I made more coffee and put out Arttu’s favorite biscuits. Hearing voices in the corridor, I get to my feet and head for the doorway. I know it’s cold out there, but Arttu looks like a walking closet. “What the hell are you wearing?” How many clothes does he have on?

Arttu scowls at me. “It’s fucking cold out there!”

Not that cold… At least, I didn’t notice it when Juha and I went grocery shopping earlier. “Get out of your coat and have coffee with us. That will warm you up from the inside.” Studying Arttu, I wonder about the expression in his eyes. He doesn’t look comfortable – nor well. I wait for Arttu to shrug out of his long coat and gesture for him to join Juha and me on the couch. He does so reluctantly. “Coffee?” I’m already pouring some into a mug.

“Black please,” Arttu says as he sits down.

I frown, feeling puzzled. Normally Arttu has his coffee with loads of sugar. I raise my gaze and study him some more. Is it just my imagination or does Arttu look extremely pale? And did he lose some weight – and how did he lose it in just two weeks?

I hand Arttu his coffee and he wraps his fingers around the mug for warmth. “So what happened? You never forget appointments.” Arttu might act like a clown most of the time, but he has an excellent memory.

“I had the flu last week and haven’t recovered yet. I’m still tired and…” Arttu shrugs. “I’m here now.”

“Yes, you are!” Juha smiles winningly at Arttu. “Do you want a cookie? They’re good.” He picks up the plate holding the chocolate chip biscuits and offers them to our guest.

Arttu stuns me when he shakes his head and refuses the offer. “No thanks.”

I blink again. Arttu loves those cookies! I cross my arms in front of my chest and wonder what’s *really* going on. Arttu is acting out of character and I don’t like it. “Is Antti taking care of you, now that you’re still suffering from the after effects of the flu?” Arttu gives me a surprisingly icy look and I flinch involuntarily. What the hell is going on?

“I can take care of myself, thank you,” Arttu says in a cold voice.

Juha gives me a surprised look and I shrug my shoulders. Arttu’s behavior puzzles me as well. “Are you staying for dinner? I’m making pasta and Jonne and Eero will join us too. It’s been a while since we got together like that.”

“I can’t stay,” Arttu says decisively.

Truly worried by now, I lean in closer and want to put my hand onto Arttu’s, but he pulls away. “I don’t know you like this.”

“I already told you – I’m not feeling well and if you keep up interrogating me, I’m out of here.”

“Interrogating?” Juha repeats the accusation and looks at Arttu with hurt in his eyes. “We’re not interrogating you.”

“It feels like that.” Arttu puts down his coffee – which he barely touched – and gets to his feet. “And I don’t like getting the third degree. Don’t call me,” Arttu says and gives me an odd look. “I’m staying at home for now.” Arttu turns around and marches out of the living room. A moment later, the door slams shut.

“What was that about?” Juha turns toward me and looks at me with big eyes.

“I wish I knew the answer to that question, but I have no idea. Maybe I should ring Antti to find out. We can’t help Arttu if we don’t know what’s going on and by the looks of it, Arttu isn’t going to tell us.”

Juha nods. “I agree… Something’s wrong and maybe we can help.”

I will give Antti a call, but I’m not sure even Antti knows what’s going on with his younger brother.

~~~

“But I counted on you and Eero to be here for dinner!” I’m pissed off. Jonne is cancelling our dinner appointment because he still has work left in the studio.

“I am sorry, Ville. I really am… I had to disappoint Eero too… He wanted to pick me up and can’t.”

“So what’s Eepi doing for dinner tonight?” I cooked an enormous amount of pasta and there is no way Juha and I can eat it all.

“He’s checking on his apartment and then he’s meeting a friend… I promised to give him a call once we’re done for the day.”

Frustrated, I kick the chair standing next to mine, which makes Juha look up from stirring the sauce. “All right then… But I’m not happy about this!”

“Call Tommi! See if he wants to have dinner!”

“I already did…” That was when my bad mood started – Tommi telling me that he wasn’t joining us for dinner, but he had assured me that he was okay with Jarmo staying at his place for a week.

“I’m sorry, Ville… I’m not doing this on purpose…”

Jonne sounds sad and I mentally kick myself. “I know that… Sorry too.”

“Go have dinner with Juha, Ville… We’ll talk in the morning.”

Jonne ends the conversation and I put down the phone. Why is everyone turning on me all of a sudden? Did I do something to upset the precious Universal balance? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“Hey, don’t be like that…”

Suddenly the balance shifts again as I find Juha occupying my lap. No longer interested in moping, I quickly wrap my arms around him so he can’t escape. “Suddenly everything looks better…” I pull him close, guide his lips against mine, and kiss him. His hair moves through my fingers and I lovingly caress the strands. I love everything about Juha – the way he feels, his scent, the feel of his hair gliding through my fingers… I simply love him.

“You look happier now,” Juha remarks once I release him from our kiss.

“I can’t be sad when you’re kissing me… When you’re in my arms… I sound silly, don’t I? I can’t help it though…” I’m so happy that Juha decided to give us a chance. “I can’t remember ever being in love like this before. Sure, I had crushes in the past, but this is different. I feel you – here…” I take his disfigured hand and place it over my heart. “That’s where you are.” Juha gifts me an incredible soft smile, which makes me tremble. “You’re special… so very special and I’m so happy that you chose to be with me.”

“Don’t turn mushy on me,” Juha says, but he does so with a smile. “I don’t know to react when you say something like that.” His body however reacts for him and he blushes to the roots of his hair. “I love you, Ville.”

I rub his back, bring him in for another kiss, and close my eyes upon tasting him. Juha relaxes against me, presses close, and I tighten my embrace. “I’ll never let you go again – you’re mine.” Juha rests his head against my shoulder and his fingertips glide across my face. I feel at peace and I know that Juha feels the same way.

“So it is just the two of us for dinner?” Juha asks.

I nod. “Jonne’s stuck in the studio, Ville is meeting up with a friend and Tommi is being Tommi – so he won’t join us either.” Suddenly, I realize that I have no reason to pout. Juha’s here – Juha’s having dinner with me, and that thought makes my world all right again. Angry hissing coming from the stove catches my attention and Juha hears it too.

“I didn’t turn the sauce down.” Juha frees himself of the embrace and heads for the stove to stir the tomato sauce. “It’s still okay…”

I rise from the chair, follow him over to the stove, and wrap my arms around him from behind. I rest my chin on his shoulder and pull him against me. For some reason I need him close at the moment. “I love you,” I whisper in his ear and kiss his neck. Juha turns his head and looks at me. He smiles, pulls my hands close against his chest, and nods. “I love you too.”

I don’t care about being sappy right now. I want to hear the words again. “Say it again… Please…”

Juha smiles, nods, and whispers, “I love you, Ville.”

Content, I press a kiss onto his lips. Juha has come a long way these last few weeks. He can finally freely admit he loves me – and I cherish hearing it.

~~~

After dinner, I pick up the phone to call Antti. It’s eight in the evening, which seems like a good time to call in general, but with Antti, you never know. He might be asleep, drunk, or up to some mischief. I let the phone ring a few times and try not to grow impatient or frustrated. It helps that Juha stretched out on the couch and that his head rests in my lap. Stroking his hair soothes me and takes away some of my anxiety.

Juha’s awake and watches me closes. I lean in closer, kiss him and Juha raises his good hand to caress my face. Yes, we’re mushy, but that’s what we need right now.

“Antti here!”

I draw in a deep breath and mentally prepare myself for whatever may come. “Hei, it’s Ville…”

“Ville, baby!”

I roll my eyes and shiver. “I’m not your baby.”

Antti merely chuckles. “So why are you calling? Miss me?”

“Not really… I have my own redhead these days.” Juha giggles at hearing that and Antti must have heard it through the phone as he chuckles in turn.

“So why are you calling me, Ville? What’s up? Jonne is still at the studio if you’re looking for him.”

“It’s not about Jonne… I want to talk to you about Arttu.”

“Arttu?”Antti sounds puzzled. “What’s up with Arttu?”

“We invited him over and he acted really odd… He was a real bitch about everything and didn’t look well either. Do you know what’s up?”

“You know what Arttu is like when he has a bad day. I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you.”

Antti’s answer doesn’t satisfy me and I press on. “Did you see him recently?”

“Actually no, we have been stuck at the studio most days. That brother of yours is a slave driver.”

I can’t help cracking a light joke, even in spite of the seriousness of the situation. “Which brother? Jonne or Tommi?”

Antti laughs. “Both actually… But at the moment it’s Jonne who’s bossing me around…”

“So what do you suggest we do regarding Arttu? We should do something. I don’t know him like that.”

“I can talk to him,” Antti offers. “I am not sure when I will have the time to do so, but I will give it a try.”

“Do you think surprising him at home might work?”

“Why do you think so?” Antti sounds puzzled.

“Because he was very resolute about me not dropping by. It sounded like he was humoring me by coming over – to make sure I wouldn’t visit with him.” That’s another thing that bugs me.

“If you’re planning on surprising him, go there first thing in the morning. Arttu’s a sleepy head and won’t know what hit him if you show up early.”

I like the advice and tell Juha so. My redhead nods and I make up my mind. “Juha and I will drop by at Arttu’s place first thing in the morning.” I cover part of the phone so Antti can’t hear and add, “And after that, we’ll go to the hospital to talk to the surgeon.” Juha nods, although still reluctantly. Now that I have a plan, I feel better. “Thanks for the advice, Antti.”

“Call me tomorrow evening… I want to know what’s going on too.”

“I will,” I promise before putting down the phone.

“You’re worried,” Juha says. He reaches for me, pulls me close, and stares into my eyes. “Maybe Arttu had a bad day… or he doesn’t feel well yet because of that flu he had.”

“Arttu seldom gets the flu – I don’t recall him ever have had one. He’s like… healthy! He has good genes, I guess. Antti doesn’t get ill either.”

“We will find out what’s going on tomorrow… Try not to worry about it.”

Smiling, I run a finger along his bottom lip. Juha trembles and I relish drawing that reaction from him. “So what do you suggest we do in order to distract me from worrying?” Let’s see what he will come up with!

“How about watching Jack Sparrow? Captain Jack Sparrow, that is,” Juha adds jokingly.

“Not quite the distraction I had hoped for,” I say in a deep and sultry voice.

Juha grows flustered again and quickly focuses on the television. Getting the hint, I back down. I will bide my time… I have lots of it.

~~~

I wake up during the night because there are sounds coming from the kitchen. Juha’s still asleep next to me so it isn’t him making that noise. Carefully, I disentangle myself from Juha, cover him with the comforter so he won’t get cold, and leave the bed. It has to be Jonne or Tommi rummaging about in the kitchen and my money is on Jonne.

Peeking around the corner I catch Jonne going to the fridge. He found today’s leftovers and carries the pasta over to the microwave in order to heat it up. “You shouldn’t eat after midnight,” I quip as I head for the kitchen table.

Jonne spins around and hisses angrily. “Don’t do that! I hate it when you sneak up on me like that!” He puts the food in the microwave and sets the timer. “What are you doing out of bed anyway?”

“I heard noise and had to check.” I straddle a kitchen chair and watch my older brother move about the kitchen. “Didn’t you get home until now?”

“Don’t get me started! It’s Larry’s fault, you know. He had this melody in his head and he refused to call it a day before we had it on tape.” Jonne retrieves a spoon, a fork and orange juice. The microwave beeps and he removes the pasta from it . After sitting down opposite me, he starts eating. “So how is Juha settling in?”

I take that question as a hint that he doesn’t want to talk about recording the new album and comply. “Very well. We watched Pirates… Juha is quite a Jack Sparrow fan.”

Jonne grins. “Eero likes the movies too.” Then his expression falters. “I hate not having him with me tonight.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s staying at his apartment. I didn’t want to wake him in the middle of the night… He has to work in the morning. But we made plans for tomorrow evening. I am taking him out for dinner.”

“Chinese food?”

Jonne smiles again. “Probably.” It’s his favorite after all.

I’m about to bring up Arttu when there are cries coming from my bedroom. “Juha!” I jump up from my chair and run out of the kitchen. I don’t know what’s going on and I need to find out. I’m not surprised to see that Jonne’s right behind me.

“Don’t! Stop it… Don’t… Stop hurting him… Ahto!”

Juha’s having a nightmare then! That answers my question! I round the corner and storm into the bedroom. Juha sits upright in bed with his arms raised in front of his face. He tries to ward off imaginary blows and calls out, “Don’t… It hurts!” Suddenly his left arm twists and he tucks it protectively against his chest. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that he just went through having his fingers broken again.

What do I do? I come to a standstill next to the bed and force myself to think before I act. Doing the wrong thing might worsen Juha’s panic. In the end, I sit down on the side of the bed and talk to him in a calm voice. “Juha, you’re having a nightmare. You’re in Tampere. You’re staying with me and Jonne. Remember me? I’m Ville…” My strategy seems to work as Juha calms down. He lowers his right arm and his expression clears. His eyes lose their clouded expression and he blinks. His left hand remains cradled against his chest though.

“Juha? It’s me, Ville… You’re safe here… You’re staying with Jonne and me. Do you remember that? We went to IKEA and I threw a fit at being unable to assemble your bed. You must remember that.” Juha blinks again and I move closer so my face is close to his. “Look at me, Juha. It’s me…”

“Ville?”

His voice sounds shattered and makes me want to protect him, so I open my arms. “Yes, it’s me…” Juha moves into my arms and I hold him – loosely. I don’t want him to feel cornered.

“I had… a nightmare,” Juha stutters, sounding upset. “It felt…so…real.”

I rock him and whisper soothingly, assuring him that he’s safe. “I heard you cry out. I was in the kitchen talking to Jonne and I rushed over right away.”

“I was back in that street… In Helsinki and…” Juha trembles like a leaf as he relives those awful moments. “Ahto died… He’s dead, isn’t he?”

Juha raises his head and looks at me. “Yes, he’s dead. He didn’t survive the attack.” I’m not sure what to do so I let him take the lead.

“What happened…to him?” Juha’s expression turns frightened.

“His family buried him… They look after his grave.”

Jonne, whose still standing near the doorway, stays clear of our conversation.

Juha blinks several times. “I should look after it instead.”

His words – and the tone he’s using – break my heart. “You can do that once you feel strong enough to visit his grave. For now, you need to concentrate on your recovery.”

Juha grows quiet in my arms and I incline my head to find out what’s going on.

“He fell asleep again,” Jonne mutters. “Wow, that was quite a nightmare.”

I lower Juha back onto the bed and stretch next to him. “I bet he’ll suffer from them a lot during the next few weeks, maybe even months or years.” Now that Juha feels safe and is making a new start, more memories might surface. “And don’t worry, I’ll make him go to therapy.” It’s important he talks to a professional about his nightmares and his fears. I can’t really help him in that way. I’m his boyfriend, not his therapist.

“Is it okay for me to leave you two alone? I need sleep myself,” Jonne inquires.

I nod. “You ahead and sleep. I’ve got Juha… He’s safe with me.”

“I’ll make breakfast in the morning,” Jonne offers. “I’ll even serve it to you two in bed.”

“That’s sweet of you.” I love having Jonne as a brother. He smiles at me and then leaves the room. Now that I have Juha to myself again, I press a kiss onto his brow and stroke his hair. “Sleep tight…” Hopefully his demons will leave him alone for the rest of the night.

~~~

I wake up with Juha still tightly locked in my arms and don’t want to get up just yet. The rays of the sun manage to penetrate the room in spite of the drawn curtains and remind me that it is time to leave the bed. I move cautiously until I can look at Juha and I smile at him. Words can’t express the love I feel for him.

“Hey, you’re awake…”

Looking to the right, I find Jonne standing in the doorway. He carries a tray with breakfast on it. “You didn’t have to do that.” I move about and wake up Juha in turn. “Sorry, I wanted to let you sleep.” After all, him suffering from that nightmare robbed Juha of his sleep.

“Don’t worry about it,” Juha says as he elbows himself into an upright position.

“Do I smell coffee?” I inhale the scent and give Jonne a look full of longing. I want some of that coffee.

“I brought breakfast, like I said I would.” Jonne moves over to the bed and puts the tray onto my lap. “I also added your tea,” Jonne says and winks at Juha.

“Thanks,” I say, beating Juha to thanking Jonne. “Wow, you even made cinnamon buns!”

“You like your sugar in the morning. I know that.” Jonne smiles at us and then moves back to the doorway. “Larry already called—he’s expecting me to join him in the studio. Apparently he stayed during the night in order to work on our song.”

“Don’t work too late,” I say. “Eepi wouldn’t like it.”

“I will keep it in mind,” Jonne replies as he leaves the room.

Juha and I are alone now and I dislike the guilty expression in his eyes.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to disturb your sleep like that,” Juha says in a tiny voice.

“It’s not your fault you had a nightmare,” I tell him. “Don’t apologize for having one.”

Juha is about to address me again, but I quickly push part of the cinnamon bun into his mouth. It’s an efficient way of shutting him up. “Promise me that you’ll never feel guilty for having nightmares. I don’t want any guilt burdening you.”

Juha slowly chews on the pasty, swallows it, and gives me a long loon. Then he nods and says, “I promise.” Good, that means I got through to him.

TBC

Part 3

“You actually have a key to Arttu’s apartment?” Juha says once I show him Arttu’s key at my key chain.

Surprise colors Juha’s voice and hearing it makes me grin. “Hey, people trust me! I’m a very dependable person!” I’m not sure how Juha will react to that and so I look at him from over my shoulder to find out, but he’s merely smiling. Juha bounced back well after last night’s nightmare. After breakfast he took a long, hot shower and that did him a world of good.

“Hey, look out… People coming through!”

I know that voice! Turning around, I see Teemu carrying a box. “What are you doing here?” Teemu puts down the box and hugs me.

“I’m helping Janne move into the building,” Teemu explains. “He already moved most of his stuff and asked me to check my place if he had left anything there. So I put everything into a box and now I’m dropping it off. Do you happen to have a key, as I don’t have one, and I don’t think Janne is at home at the moment.”

“I have a key to the main entrance,” I tell Teemu. “Maybe you can leave the box in front of his door? Janne will find it when he gets back.”

“If no one steals it,” Teemu quips and then turns around to face Juha. “Do I know you? I don’t think so. I’m Teemu.” Teemu raises his hand and offers it to Juha.

“Teemu is a good friend,” I explain to Juha. “One of Jonne’s closests friends.” I hope that it is reason enough for Juha to give Teemu a chance. I know that Teemu doesn’t look trustworthy with that odd hairdo and his tattoos, but he’s one of the kindest guys I know.

Juha draws in a deep breath and shakes Teemu’s hand. I notice the way he hides his crippled hand in his pocket and wish it was fixed so he didn’t feel embarrassed and having to hide it.

“I’m Juha,” he says and then his gazes searches me out again.

“Juha’s my boyfriend,” I add in a proud tone. Teemu’s eyes widen and he raises an eyebrow. “You couldn’t know about it. It’s rather new.”

“Ah, I wish the two the best of luck then!” Teemu smiles at Juha and then directs his gaze toward me. “The box won’t get inside all by itself, you know.”

“Sorry!” I unlock the main entrance and step inside so Teemu can enter. “What floor does Janne live on?”

“Third…” Teemu heads for the elevator. “No way I’m taking the stairs.” While awkwardly maneuvering the box, he manages to press the button. “Where are you headed?”

“We’re here to see Arttu.” Who happens to live on the first floor, so no elevator for Juha and me.

“Ah yes, that’s true. Arttu lives here too! It’s a small world after all!” Teemu manages to open the elevator door and steps inside. “See you later… Bye!” The door closes behind him and he’s gone.

“Interesting character,” Juha remarks in an amused tone.

“That’s an understatement,” I tell him. Seeing his surprised look, I add, “Trust me, you’ll find out in time. Teemu is a great guy, but he can be… exhausting!” Juha’s confusion grows, but I merely wink at him. “That’s Arttu’s place.” I point out the correct door and we approach it.

“What are you going to do? Simply march in there? That doesn’t seem right…”

I know what Juha is hinting at. “Don’t worry. I have no intention of invading his privacy – well not yet, maybe if he refuses to open the door…” First, I will try to get Arttu’s attention the old-fashioned way: by ringing the door bell. I ring it… ring it again, and then consider banging on the door because Arttu doesn’t react.

“Stop doing that! I’m not deaf! Fuck off!”

Juha chuckles and I can’t help laughing either. “At least we know he’s at home.”

“And that he’s pissed off,” Juha adds.

I shrug. I expect Arttu to be pissed off and don’t feel discouraged because of it. I bang on the door and call out, “Arttu, open the fucking door!”

“Do you have any fucking idea how fucking early it is?” Arttu screams loud enough for us to hear him even through a closed door. A moment later, the door opens, but only ajar. Arttu stares at us in frustration and I burst out laughing, seeing he’s only wearing pink boxers. “Why the hell are you wearing pink boxers?”

“Don’t yell like that!” Arttu admonishes me. “I don’t want the entire block to find out about my boxers!”

“Then let us in,” Juha suggests.

“I don’t want to let you in. I want to go back to bed and sleep!” Arttu however opens the door and steps aside so we can enter. “What are you doing here at his ungodly hour anyway? I swear – your time in the army fucked you up big time, Ville!”

Maybe he’s right – but it fucked me up in a good way. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Arttu…” Juha, who’s walking behind me, suddenly bumps into me because I came to a stop unexpectedly.

“Ville!” Juha calls out, protesting the collision.

“Sorry, but what the fuck happened here?” I look about in utter shock. Arttu was never Mr. Clean, but the apartment looks like a tornado went through it. “What happened?”

“The monsters happened…” Arttu looks tired all of a sudden.

“The monsters?” Like me, Juha has no idea what to make of that statement. “What kind of monsters, Arttu?” Juha asks in a soft voice colored by concern.

“Monsters which won’t stay asleep much longer, I’m afraid…”Arttu whispers. Suddenly, there’s commotion in the living room and then two brown shapes rush into the corridor. “I knew it,” Arttu says and sighs. “Meet the monsters.”

“They’re adorable!” Juha goes down onto one knee and pats the two puppies that now circle us.

“I didn’t know you had puppies.” I give Arttu a probing look. He doesn’t seem very happy about the whole situation.

“They’re not mine... Don’t do that!” Arttu picks up the puppy who’s biting into Juha’s jacket. “That’s off limits! And Juha, you’d had better get to your feet again. Calypso is fond of biting people’s noses!”

Juha’s hand automatically goes to cover up his nose and he quickly gets to his feet. His action makes me chuckle, but a moment later, the monster on the floor targets me instead. It shows extreme interest in my shoelaces. “What are they doing here if they aren’t yours?” I move my foot, trying to lose him, but the puppy is stubborn and starts digging at my shoe.

“They’re Janne’s… Janne is moving in, and since I had dogs back at home, he asked me to take them in temporarily.” Arttu quickly picks up the other one as well, and the puppy immediately starts licking his face. “Stop that, Tia!”

Juha chuckles. “Calypso and Tia?”

“Tia Dalma, actually,” Arttu explains, “But I shortened the name.”

“Your friend Janne must be one big Jack Sparrow fan,” Juha remarks as we follow Arttu in to the living room – or better, what used to be the living room. “How long have they been staying with you?”

“For two weeks now.” Arttu puts the puppies onto the couch. “Now stay there!” They obey his command for about ten seconds and then run off into different directions.

“That explains it.” I put an arm around Arttu and he allows it – he’s in no bitching mood today. “You didn’t want to come over because you were afraid they would wreck your place.”

“They did,” Arttu admits. “I love dogs, and puppies too, but they’re exhausting.”

When Arttu looks at me again, I notice the dark rings beneath his eyes. “They won’t let you sleep?”

“Exactly.” Arttu sighs dramatically. “They love to nibble – on my toes, my nose, my fingers… You try to sleep when you’re being eaten!”

“I feel sorry for you,” I say, only pretending to feel that way. It’s good that Arttu is on the receiving side for a change – normally he’s the one upending people’s lives. Okay, he doesn’t nibble on them – but he gets beneath their skin.

“I just want one night of undisturbed sleep…” Arttu sighs again.

Juha found some of their toys and keeps them occupied for the moment. He looks like he’s having fun and seeing them play makes me smile. “When will Janne pick them up again?”

“Hopefully tomorrow evening. I think he has most of his stuff in place.” Arttu suddenly leans against me and one look tells me that he’s asleep on his feet. “Why don’t you go back to bed and we’ll entertain the monsters for a bit?” Juha’s appointment is at one PM and it’s only nine in the morning. That way Arttu can get some sleep.

“Would you do that?” Arttu yawns. “That would be great… And sorry for being such a bitch the other day… But sleep deprivation does strange things to you… I’ve been running after those little monsters for two weeks now… and…”

It actually shows that he hasn’t been taking care of himself – Arttu lost weight. I steer Arttu into the direction of his bedroom and slap his ass. “Go sleep.”

“Don’t forget to walk to monsters in an hour or they’ll piss all over the place…” Arttu’s already on his way to the bed when he calls out that information.

“We will walk them!” Arttu disappears into the bedroom and I join Juha who has his hands full keeping the two puppies busy. I always wanted a dog – ever since I was little, but it was never an option. At the foster family, they didn’t want one, and later, when I moved in with Jonne, we couldn’t have one because he’s allergic to most pets. “I wonder who is Tia and who is Calypso,” I muse as I sit down next to Juha.

“I don’t think it matters… They don’t obey – no matter what name I use.” Juha’s face is getting covered in dog kisses, but he doesn’t seem to mind. “Remind me to shower when we get home.”

“I will.” I don’t want to kiss him after that dog licked his face. You don’t know where that tongue has been! “I sent Arttu to bed, by the way. He looked dead on his feet.”

“At least now we know why he looked that bad when he came over – and why he was in such a foul mood. These two are exhausting! I understand why he was cranky that day.”

“You’re right… and I’m relieved it’s nothing more serious.”

“What did you expect then?” Juha throws me a puzzled look.

“I don’t know – but I learned one thing… You should expect anything where an Aatamila is concerned.” Juha’s right though – I’m relieved that it’s nothing serious. I didn’t think Arttu would do drugs, but you never know…

“Hey, that’s my nose! Ville, rescue me!”

Juha’s plea pulls me from my thoughts and I’m off to rescue his nose from those little, but deadly sharp monster teeth.

~~~

It’s close to twelve thirty and Juha and I need to get going. The puppies are asleep right now. Juha and I exhausted them and I hope they’ll continue to sleep for a few hours. At my signal, Juha follows me into Arttu’s bedroom, and we smile at each other, seeing Arttu curled up with his knees pulled close to his chest.

“He must have been utterly exhausted,” Juha says as the redhead takes my hand into his good one. “He will be back to his normal self once this Janne collects his puppies.”

“I think you’re right.” Pulling Juha along, I head for the bed. Juha lets go of my hand when I sit down on the side. “Hey, Arttu, wake up for me.” I speak softly, as I don’t want to startle my friend. Arttu’s eyes open reluctantly, but when he looks at me, he seems a bit more refreshed. “Juha and I can’t stay much longer. You’re on your own again. The monsters are asleep for now, so maybe you can get more sleep too.”

“Thanks for helping me out,” Arttu says and gives both of us a thankful look. “I’m just so very tired and…”

“Did you have the flu some time back or did you make that up?” Juha asks unexpectedly.

“I had the flu… it happened right before Janne dropped off his monsters… I never got a chance to catch up on my sleep…”

“Let’s hope Janne will collect them tomorrow. If he doesn’t and you need a break, calls us,” I tell Arttu. “That’s what friends are for – to help out when things get rough.” I rise from the bed and collect Juha’s hand again. I curl my fingers around his crippled hand and hope it won’t remain like that much longer. “Take good care of yourself, Arttu.”

“I’ll do my best…and thanks…” Arttu turns onto his side and his eyes close.

“He’s asleep again,” Juha remarks. “We should have dropped by sooner.”

Pulling Juha along to the front door, I say, “We didn’t know about Janne’s monsters, remember?” Juha nods and I close the door behind us on our way out. “Next stop is the hospital. Let’s get going.” It’s only a ten minute walk from here and the exercise will do us good.

~~~

“I am nervous,” Juha admits. We’re sitting in the waiting room and Juha’s appointment is due in five minutes.

“”Trust me, I understand about that. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. We’ll listen to your surgeon and then you’ll decide what to do. If you want the surgery, we will go for that. If you decide against it, I will respect that too. No matter what, you have my support all right?” Juha gives me a blinding smile – apparently that was exactly what he had needed to hear.

“Mister Kylmänen…” The door to the office suddenly opened and a man, dressed in white, calls out Juha’s name. He’s middle-aged, wears glasses, and makes a friendly impression on me.

“It’s time to go,” I remind Juha, who remains motionless. He then draws in a deep breath, nods, and rises from his chair. I follow, take his good hand in mine and we enter the office.

“Please, take a seat,” the surgeon says as he sits down behind his desk. “I hope you don’t mind, but I already checked on the x-rays, which they made that first time…” He points at the x-rays stuck to the light box against his wall. “That’s quite a challenge you’re giving me, mister Kylmänen. It’s a good thing that I love a challenge.”

Juha seems overwhelmed and gives me a pleading look. Helping him out, I ask the surgeon, “Do you think his hand can be fixed?”

The surgeon looks at us in turn, but then focuses on Juha. “I think so… Recovery will take time though – you need to understand that it will take two months at the least… And after surgery you will need physical therapy.”

“But will I be able to play the guitar again?” Juha asks in a shy voice.

“With enough physical therapy, yes. I do believe that,” the surgeon says. “It’s up to you though to make a final decision. I’m not going to lie to you: those two months will be hard.”

Juha moistens his lips and peeks at me again. I squeeze his good hand and nod my head. The decision is entirely his. “I will support you every step of the way.”

“What about surgery itself?” Juha looks frightened. “Will I be conscious when you operate on my hand?”

“I read your file,” the surgeon replies. “And it might be best if we put you under during the surgery. You wouldn’t be conscious then… But anesthesia might make you nauseous afterwards… You might need some extra time to recover. I read in your medical file that you didn’t react well when they put you under back then.”

“I’ll take the anesthesia over being conscious any time,” Juha says firmly. “I’d rather be ill afterwards than conscious when you break my hand again.”

“You made your decision then?” The surgeon starts typing away on his keyboard, feeding information to his computer.

“I think I did… I want to be able to use my hand again – properly. I’ll do it, but under the condition that I’ll be put out for the surgery itself.”

Feeling proud of Juha, I squeeze his hand. “I think it’s the right decision.”

“I hope so,” Juha whispers and gives me an insecure look. “You heard what he said – I will need help for two months at the least.”

“I will help.” I raise his good hand and pull it against my chest.

“Let’s schedule surgery then,” the surgeon says. “I want you to come in next week – Monday at nine AM. Surgery will take about three hours and I want you to stay at the hospital that evening. If everything goes well, you can leave Tuesday.”

Juha draws in a deep breath – this is it. I squeeze lightly and rub his fingers. I hope he’ll go through with it.

“I will be there.”

I can tell how much strength and courage it takes for him to make that commitment. Last night’s nightmare was bad and having the surgery will make them appear more frequently, but he has to do this. He has to move ahead. “We will do this together,” I reassure Juha and he nods at me. “Together.”

~~~

Juha remains quiet on our way back home. He’s lost in thought and I bet he’s thinking about the consequences surgery will have for him. I wish he would focus on the good things – namely that he’ll be able to play the guitar again and that his hand will no longer look crippled, but by the looks of it, he is focusing on the more unpleasant things. We reach our building and I’m in the middle of unlocking the main entrance, when Juha turns toward me.

“Do you think I made the right decision?”

I firmly nod my head. “You did.” No matter how many times I will assure him that he’s doing the right thing, he will remain doubtful. I accept that and know only my unconditional support will convince him differently. We take the stairs and I quickly open the door to our apartment. Recalling that Jonne is taking Eero out for dinner, I realize that we’re alone. It’s just the two of us. “Are you hungry? We didn’t eat anything except for breakfast.”

“I’m not sure I can eat,” Juha says apologetically.

“How about a light meal? I’ll make sandwiches and then you can decide how much you want to eat.” I do want him to eat. Juha nods, and he follows me into the kitchen. Suddenly he looks at me with horror in his eyes. “What?”

“I forgot about Jarmo!” Juha uncovers his cell phone and calls his brother. “I can’t believe I did that, damn it!”

I merely smile at my boyfriend. “Don’t worry about him. Jarmo called first thing in the morning – when you were taking your shower and we talked about your appointment. I arranged for Tommi to pick him up at the train station and knowing Tommi, he makes sure Jarmo feels at home.”

Juha drops his good hand and stares at me – gratefully. “You did that? For me?”

“Sure.” I walk over to where he’s standing, wrap my arms around him and kiss him on the lips. “Why don’t you set something up for tomorrow? Jarmo and you can spend the entire day together – you have no appointments tomorrow.” Juha narrows his eyes. I know he caught on the way I phrased it. “Yes, I have something to do tomorrow, but that’s only during the morning.”

“What are you doing then?”

“In the past, I always went jogging with Jay and I want to take up that habit again. I was badly out of shape when I joined the army… I want to stay in shape… so that’s why I go jogging every now and then. You won’t notice a thing. I’ll be gone around eight in the morning and back at ten… You can sleep out, or invite Jarmo to have breakfast with you.”

“You jog?”

The comical look on Juha’s face makes me chuckle. “Yes, I jog.” I press another kiss onto his lips and then return to making sandwiches. “Why don’t you call Jarmo and ask him to join us for dinner?”

Juha dials his brother’s number and still looks rather confused after my last admission. Hey, I was in the army! I realized I liked doing physical stuff!

“Hello, it’s me, yes…”

Juha’s voice is soft, but I can still hear him talking. He sounds happy, though also a bit tired. That conversation at the hospital drained him.

“Tommi is treating you well then? That’s good to hear… Well, I’m calling to ask if you want to come over for sandwiches… I really want to see you… I feel guilty for being unable to spend time with you today…” Juha then chuckles softly. “Okay then, I will try not to feel guilty about it…”

I like Jarmo – I really do. That man knows how to act around Juha. “Why don’t you ask him to bring Tommi along?” I suggest, realizing I might have to make more food if they accept, but that’s okay with me.

“Ville suggests you ask Tommi to come along…” Juha grows silent and as I look at him to find out what is going on, he rolls his eyes. “Yes, sure, you can watch the ice hockey game at our place.”

I grin as well. Tommi loves his ice hockey and it seems he found an ally in Jarmo.

“Okay, we can do drinks and snacks, I think…”

Juha gives me a wondering look and I nod my head. “Sure, we went grocery shopping, remember? We have lots for them to eat.”

“Ville says that’s fine… You’re coming over then… You’ll be here in ten? Okay…”

A look at the clock tells me that the game will start at nine. Tommi will make sure he’s here on time so he can watch it from start to end. Juha puts the phone away, walks toward me, and wraps his arms around me from behind. Pleased, I lean back and rest my back against his chest. His arms come up around me and I sigh appreciatively. “This feels nice.” It’s the first time our roles are reversed and that Juha holds me in such a way. I like it a lot.

“Did I tell you that I love you today?”

Juha’s question makes me smile. “Yes, you did, but I don’t mind hearing it again!”

“I love you,” Juha says and smirks fondly. “I love you…”

~~~

“I only have alcohol free beer,” I tell Jarmo in an apologetic tone. “Tommi doesn’t drink alcohol and Jonne and I made it a rule to never have any in the house.”

Jarmo gives me the strangest look ever, but then picks up the beer bottle. “Okay, it will do, I guess…” Puzzled, he follows me back into the living room where Tommi already settled on the recliner to watch his game. “Why don’t you drink alcohol?”

Tommi looks up from the television screen and eyes Jarmo critically. “My parents were alcoholics. I have no desire to follow in their footsteps.”

“Hum…” Jarmo mutters beneath his breath. He sits down on the couch next to Juha and gives the beer an experimental sniff. “Smells about the same.”

“I don’t taste any difference,” Tommi says. “Not anymore.”

Jarmo drinks from his beer, puts it onto the coffee table and grabs some potato chips on which he munches. His gaze shifts toward Juha. “How did things go at the hospital today?”

I sit down next to Juha and put my arm around him. He inches towards me and rests his head against my shoulder. I sigh contently and my fingers move to the nape of his neck so I can gently massage that area.

“It was all right,” Juha says after a moment of silence. “I’m going in for surgery on Monday.”

A proud expression appears on Jarmo’s face. “That’s great! I had hoped that you would do it, but wasn’t sure!”

“Ville helped me make up my mind.” Juha reaches for my hand and I quickly wrap my fingers around his limb. “He managed to convince me that he doesn’t mind me being a burden after surgery. I’ll need help…”

I gently stroke the back of his deformed hand. “You’re not a burden and you will never be one.”

Jarmo nods at hearing my words. “Listen to Ville. Your boyfriend is right.”

Juha lifts his head at hearing that and smiles in a silly way. “My boyfriend,” he says, repeating Jarmo’s words. “I have a boyfriend.” For some reason he pokes me in the shoulder and giggles.

“Juha…” I have no idea what’s so funny about me being his boyfriend. But Juha continues to giggle and then rests his head back on my shoulder. His fingers escape mine and I’m about to protest that move when he curls them around mine instead. He shifts his head a little and watches me with loving green eyes. He looks happy – he really does.

TBC

Part 4

“Let me sleep… Just let me sleep…” But as I expected, -- and feared -- something wet slithers across my face and then the whining starts. It’s soft at first, but increases in intensity now that I’m not giving the monsters the attention they’re after. I open my right eye and get another lick right at my face, courtesy of Calypso. “I can’t wait for Janne to collect the two of you.” I would never have agreed to baby sit them for two weeks if it had been any other than Janne. I can’t really deny him anything – fuck.

Tia managed to get beneath the comforter and is now sneaking up on me from beneath the fabric. I roll my eyes and face the fact that my peace and quiet has come to an end. “Are you hungry then?” A look at the clock on the nightstand tells me that it’s feeding time. That’s probably the reason why they’re harassing me – they want something from me.

I push the comforter aside and Tia complains loudly. “That’s your problem, not mine,” I mutter beneath my breath. Calypso jumps onto the floor and Tia follows a moment later. They run toward the doorway and I slouch behind them. They’re running in circles in the kitchen by the time I get there. Just where do they get their energy from?

I put the food into their bowls, refresh the water, and sit down at the kitchen table. Blindly, I reach for the salmiakki chocolate and bite off a big piece. I need the sugar… I need the energy.

The doorbell rings all of a sudden. The monsters don’t react – normally they would, but food is more important right now. I drag myself to my feet and don’t bother to lift my feet while making my way to the front door. On my way there, I cast a look at the mirror hanging in the hallway. I look like shit.

I open the door and freeze on the very spot. It’s Janne. Damn it, and I look like hell. “I didn’t expect you,” is the first thing that leaves my lips and I wish the floor would open and swallow me. I don’t want Janne to see me like this!

“I thought I should pick up my two hell hounds… They probably kept you busy twenty-four seven.”

Oh, Janne’s smiling and I just know I’m staring at him in the silliest way possible. Damn it, why do I have a crush on him? I can deal with obnoxious Teemu, shy Jussi, and even my brother, the big nuisance, but Janne? I grow weak in the knees and place a hand against the doorway. “The monsters are in the kitchen – eating.”

Janne flashes me another amused grin, and that’s when I realize that I’m blocking the entrance. “Sorry, do you want to come in?” I step aside so he can enter my apartment.

“Did they rob you of your sleep? You look like you didn’t get a proper night’s sleep for weeks.”

I expect to see him grin again, but this time, Janne actually looks worried. “They keep me busy, yes…” I guide him into the kitchen and notice the way he checks out the state of my apartment.

“Did my monsters do that?” Janne points at the ripped curtains in the living room.

“I’m afraid so… They tried to climb into them and when they failed, they hung on to the material with their teeth.”

“I’ll get you new curtains,” Janne promises. “I love those two, but they’re rascals.”

Calypso and Tia must have heard Janne’s voice, because suddenly they’re storming in the living room. They try to jump Janne any way they can and bark loudly.

“I’m glad they’re yours and not mine. I like dogs, but these two are too much.”

Janne picks up one of the puppies and cuddles Calypso. Tia feels neglected and she tries to put her teeth into Janne’s boots. Janne quickly collects her too and Tia happily licks at Janne’s face.

“Are you taking them with you?” I hope I’m not sound too expectant.

“I’ll take them with me,” Janne says. “That way you can catch up on your sleep… and I will make things up to you. How about we hit town tomorrow to get you new curtains? And as a thank you, I’ll throw in dinner. You can pick the place.”

Ah, after the suffering come the rewards! “All right, but we’re not going anywhere until noon. I need to sleep!” And more importantly, clean up!

We collect the dogs’ belongings and put them in a bag. Janne gives me a pleading look and I wonder what’s up. “What?” Why is he giving me that look?

“Can you do me one last favor? I can’t carry everything at the same time…”

Janne puts on his best puppy dog look, and damned, it works each time! “Okay, I’ll help, but after that, I’m going to bed.” I pick up the bag and Janne carries the monsters. Before we leave my apartment I pocket my key, as I don’t want to lock myself out. I follow Janne upstairs and check out his new apartment, which, I must admit, looks great. He kept everything in black and white and then added some color splashes in the decoration. “Looks good.”

“Thanks! And I came up with the idea myself!” Janne puts down the dogs and they start sniffing out the place. “I had help of course… Pasi is really good at painting walls!”

I chuckle. “I’m happy that you feel at home here.” It will be challenging to have Janne so close all the time. It was easier when he lived at the other end of town. I only saw him during gigs or when I visited the Amadeus music bar. Now there is a chance of running into him each day.

“I’m happy I moved! That other place was too small for me and the monsters. Hey, do you want coffee? I can make some.”

I’m not sure how I feel about coffee. “Thanks, but I shouldn’t drink any if I want to sleep.”

“A beer then? Or maybe some soda?”

Janne winks at me and I fight down the blush that tries to form on my face. I know better than to think that I stand a chance with him. Janne thinks of me as Antti’s baby brother and that’s about it. It’s better to leave now before I do something utterly stupid and will embarrass myself. “No, thanks! I’m going to bed and sleep undisturbed! Have fun with the monsters!” I want to head for the doorway, but then Janne moves closer and puts his fingers around my wrist. Surprised, I look at him.

“Arttu, I mean it… thanks… thanks a lot… I’m glad you took them on – and yes, I know how bad they are. It means a lot to me that you helped me out.”

Oh, the weak feeling in my knees is back. Okay, concentrate… Make sure you say something sensible! I cough in an attempt to cover up my nervousness and then nod once. “You’re welcome.”

“Thanks for doing this, Arttu.”

He had better stop before I think of more ways in which Janne can show his gratitude besides getting me new curtains and taking me out for dinner. “It’s okay…”

“I’ll ring your doorbell at two PM… That leaves us time to go shopping for new curtains and other stuff they wrecked…”

Janne releases my arm from his hold and I feel awkward, just looking at him. If it were up to me, I would crush him against that freshly painted wall and have my wicked way with him. Down, Arttu…down. That will never happen.

“Okay, I’ll try to be awake by then.” I raise my arm and wave at him on my way out. I never took on babysitting the monsters with the idea of getting something out of it, but if Janne is so eager to pay me back, I’ll let him.

~~~

I practically crawl into my bed, and once I’m lying down, I pull the comforter close. Nothing and no one is going to make me move and leave my bed. This is where I am and will stay until tomorrow one PM. Then I’ll get up and ready myself for my little trip into town with Janne.

Closing my eyes, I think of Janne and smile in my half sleep. Who knows, maybe the gods are merciful tonight and I’ll dream of him.

~~~

I wake because someone is banging on the door. I startle, sit upright, and listen. What’s going on? I quickly check the time and find it’s two o’clock. Hold on… Two? It’s not AM because there’s sunlight out there… so it can only mean that I… I overslept! Fuck!

“Arttu, are you in there? Sorry that I’m right on time, but I didn’t want to be late!”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, it’s Janne at the front door and I still look a mess. I jump to my feet, run to the front door, and open it. Janne flashes me a blinding smile, and like always, he looks good with that bandana of his. “I’m sorry,” I stutter. “I overslept… I should have switched on the alarm, but I didn’t…” I really hate myself for fucking this up. This would have been my chance to spend time with Janne and hopefully make an impression on him!

“Hey, calm down… I’ll just crash on your couch while you clean up…”

Janne gives me another wicked smile and I automatically step aside to let him in. “I’ll be quick.”

“I’ll be fine… Don’t worry!” Janne knows his way about and heads for the living room. He sits down on the couch, takes hold of the remote control, and busies himself channel surfing.

Janne seems to be fine, so I rush into the bathroom. I peel off my clothes, hop into the shower, and make quick work of cleaning up. I curse again when I realize that I forgot to bring a set of clean clothes with me. I wrap a large towel around me and sneak into my bedroom.

“I hope you’re not planning on wearing that into town,” Janne quips from the living room.

“Shut up!” I pretend to ignore him and search my wardrobe for suitable clothes. I pick up some faded jeans, a black T-shirt, and a gray sweater. I’m almost at the doorway when I turn around again to collect socks and underwear. Fuck, Janne being here puts me on edge. I practically flee into the bathroom again and only start to feel comfortable once I’m dressed. Armed with eye-liner, mascara, and eye shadow, I put my make-up on. I grin at my reflection, feeling more like me again. “I’m ready,” I call out as I put on my boots in the hallway.

A moment later, Janne joins me. His wicked smile never leaves his face and his body’s rocking, like he’s listening to some music only he can hear. “So what are your plans?”

“Stockmann first?”Janne suggests. “For your curtains… and maybe some pillows too? I noticed my hell hounds tried to eat yours.”

“Would you mind having a bite to eat first? I didn’t eat breakfast yet and I need coffee. Maybe we can eat first?” Sure, I would have loved to go out with him for dinner, but I’ll also settle for lunch. I’m hungry!

“That’s fine with me… I can do with some coffee too. I had kind of hoped you’d have some ready.”

I shoulder my bag and open the front door. It’s odd that there are no puppies trying to escape the apartment. “Are you sure you can leave the monsters alone?”

“Don’t worry about that. Jussi is dogsitting.”

Janne’s remark makes me laugh and I fall into step beside him while we head for the street. “I thought Jussi didn’t like the monsters?”

“He owes me a few favors…” Janne hints. “So where are we going?”

“Arnold’s? They have the best coffee in town.”

“Fine with me,” Janne says and changes the direction we’re waking in. “Coffee and bagels first and then Stockmann.”

~~~

Sometime later, we’re sitting at Arnold’s and I’m enjoying their amazing coffee. Janne got me a bagel *and* a donut, so I’m not complaining. Ville said I lost weight, so I’ll try to put it back on again.

Some fan girls are ogling Janne and I wonder how he can stand it. “They’re staring at you.” It seems to me like he has no privacy at all.

“Well, they got good taste, eyeing me…” Janne winks at me and digs into his donut. “Can you blame them?”

Actually I can’t, but I refuse to voice that aloud. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend, Janne? There must be lots of girls who want to date you.” It’s something that always intrigued me. Janne is popular with the girls, but I seldom see him chat them up.

“You know that I was married once, don’t you?”

I nod. “Your ex-wife is really nice” She is. I’m happy that they parted on good terms, especially for their little daughter who gets to see her daddy regularly. Janne adores her and worships the ground she walks on.

“We got divorced for a reason…” Janne makes sure no one is eavesdropping and then continues, “I realized I like guys too.”

I almost choke on the piece of bagel traveling down my throat, but I manage to swallow it without causing a stir. “You’re bi?”

Janne nods. “I never thought about it… but one day, I developed this crush on someone, and that certain someone was male… I discussed it with my wife and we decided to end the marriage… We’re still best friends, but we don’t work out as lovers anymore…”

Okay, that’s almost too much information. “Who did you have a crush on?” Now that’s something I would love to hear about.

“You’re going to make fun of me,” Janne says, stalling for time.

“I won’t,” I promise, but I’m not sure I can keep my word.

“It was Larry…”

This time, I *do* have trouble swallowing my food and I stare at Janne in shock. With effort I manage to swallow the piece of bagel and then say, “But he’s as straight as they come!”

“I didn’t know that at the time. He was always fooling around with Jonne and…”

“That’s show!” I thought everyone knew that!

“I learned that later…” Janne looks crestfallen.

“Did you ever tell Larry?”

“Of course not!” Janne crosses his arms in front of his chest and looks offended.

I shake my head at his behavior and finish my bagel. “So… have you ever been involved with a guy?” I’m not sure he will continue to answer my questions, but I might never get a chance like this again.

“I had some one-night stands… but nothing really fulfilling.” Janne appears thoughtful and adds, “For some reason I’m not good at picking the right guys.”

Oh, pick me! I want to scream those words at him, but I remain quiet. I never knew Janne was bi… but that doesn’t mean I actually have a chance with him. He would probably laugh at me if I told him about my crush, and tell me to find someone my own age. “You’ll get lucky one day… A guy with your looks…” I quickly sip more coffee so I can’t go on embarrassing myself.

Janne smiles and cocks his head. “How about you, Arttu? Why don’t you have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend?” he adds and winks at me again.

Thankfully I already swallowed the coffee. I might have spit it at him instead. I should have known he would turn the tables and make this even worse for me. “I don’t know…” I reply after careful consideration. “I didn’t meet the right guy yet.” Or maybe I did, but the guy simply isn’t interested in me? I need to stop thinking like this!

“So tell me, what is your type?” Janne seems amused asking me these questions as he continues to grin.

He must love embarrassing me… This time I can’t stop growing flustered. *You* are my type, but I can hardly tell you that. “I don’t have a certain type…” I take to nibbling on my donut and deem the time ready to change the subject. “You *do* know Stockmann is expensive when it comes down to curtains?”

“That’s okay… I’ll pay for whatever curtains you pick. It’s my fault yours were ruined.”

“Okay then…” The look Janne gives me, tells me that he is on to me. He knows I changed our topic for a reason. “You don’t have to buy me dinner this evening… You already got me lunch, so we’re even.” I don’t want him to think that I’m after free meals.

“No, I want to buy you dinner too… Pick a fancy place, all right?”

“A fancy place?” My mouth is slightly agape as I watch him. “I’m not dressed to have dinner at a fancy place!” And what exactly is a fancy place according to Janne?

“If you feel underdressed we can go home and you can change, but you look good the way you are.”

Okay, he probably didn’t mean it as a compliment, but it does feel like one and I have to look away or he might see the affection in my eyes. Please, don’t let me grow flustered again!

“We can worry about that later, “ Janne says. “Let’s go shopping first.”

I’ll indulge him for now, but he had better not think I’m going somewhere fancy with him – I refuse to embarrass myself in that way!

~~~

“How about this one?”

Janne moves the fabric closer so I can have a good look at it. I almost regret letting him take me to Stockmann to get me new curtains. He’s driving me, and the poor saleslady, insane.

“Don’t you think something darker would be better?” I’m not too fond of the baby blue he’s pointing out to me.

“But it matches the color of your eyes!” Janne says rather smugly.

Fuck, he did it again – he’s making me blush. “My eyes aren’t blue like that!” Damn, why is he looking at me in that way? And why is he coming toward me? His face is only an inch away from mine and I hear him breath.

“It’s your eye color,” he repeats in the same smug voice. “We’re taking this one! Arttu, give the lady the measurements, will you?”

What? Does he really think I know them by heart? “I overslept, remember? I don’t know the measurements! I didn’t get a chance to write them down!”

Janne sighs, rather dramatically, but grins at me at the same time. “Sorry,” he tells the saleslady. “Looks like we have to come back at a later time.”

Janne’s behavior makes me want to pull at my hair, but I refuse to give into despair. “Maybe it’s time we went home. You can go to your monsters and me to my ruined curtains.”

“We can do that,” Janne says as he takes my arm and leads me toward the exit. “But we can only stay for a few minutes.”

I blink. What the hell is he talking about?

“We’re going out for dinner, remember? Did you already pick a place?”

It’s about time I turned this around. Maybe I should start messing with his head too. “Hesburger.” Janne gives me a horrified look, but I can tell he’s merely pretending.

“I said something fancy… Let me explain myself to you – we’re not going to Hesburger, McDonalds, or Pizzahut… and no Subway either!”

Damn, he named most of the fast food places in one go!

“You look…confused,” Janne says and for one moment, a serious expression appears on his face. “I didn’t want to upset you… I’m sorry…”

I wave away his comment. “It’s not your fault.” It’s me – I find it hard to deal with Janne in a rational way… Damn crush!

“Tell you what: we’re going home… You get a chance to take a short nape and then I’ll pick you up around eight… I’ll book a table and we’ll have a quiet dinner. I even promise to behave.”

I’m not sure I can believe him, but I would love to spend more time with him. “Where are we having dinner then?” We step onto the street and head for home.

“Let me surprise you,” Janne says and grins at me.

Now, letting him surprise me, is that a good or a bad thing? I will find out sometime tonight and I really, really hope it is a good thing!

~~~

This time, I take great care to be ready on time, especially since Janne showed up exactly on time this afternoon. I didn’t really change my clothes… I only exchanged my gray sweater for a black jacket. It worries me that I don’t know where Janne is taking me – how classy it will be. With Janne, one should expect the unexpected.

The doorbell rings and I’m quick to answer it. It’s Janne. He didn’t change his clothes either – he’s still wearing his jeans and the black and white T-shirt, but he also donned a black coat. The bandana is still in place, and although there is no sun around, he’s wearing sun glasses.

“Are you ready to go?”

Janne flashes his perly whites and for one moment I’m reminded of the puppy’s sharp teeth. Looks like I made the right choice to stick to my outfit as Janne didn’t dress up either. “I’m ready…” I close the door behind me, lock it, and turn toward Janne. “How’s Jussi coping with the monsters?”

“It’s amazing,” Janne says, “but they love his voice… Hearing him sing calms them down!”

“Pity I didn’t think of that!” Not that my voice is that good! “So where are we going?”

“As I said earlier, I got us a table for eight thirty… And I hope you like Italian food.”

“I like it.” I’m relieved it’s not somewhere really fancy. I know most Italian restaurants in Tampere and there isn’t one for which I’m underdressed. Janne’s strangely quiet and I peek at his face, wondering what it’s going in that head of his.

It’s a ten-minute walk to the restaurant, and although we don’t speak, the silence feels comfortable. Once we step inside, a waiter escorts us to our table and we settle down.

“What do you want to drink?” Janne asks once he sat down.

“Maybe some wine?” I *do* think wine is perfect with Italian food.

Janne nods approvingly. “Sounds fine… What kind of wine do you want?”

“Some white wine…”

“And I’d like some beer,” Janne tells the waiter. Once we’re alone again, Janne unfolds his napkin and places it across his lap. “I always spill,” he explains.

“Don’t worry… I’m the same way.”

Our drinks arrive and the waiter hands us the menu. Janne seems thoughtful once more as he studies it, and I remain quiet as I don’t want to disturb him. I make my choice and opt for a pizza, ignoring the warning that it’s spicy. I can do spicy – I’m used to Antti’s cooking. “What will you get?”

“I’m going for the pasta with the meatballs.”

For one moment, a spark flies from Janne’s eyes, like he is up to something, but then the expression disappears again, leaving me wondering. The waiter takes our orders and places bread and garlic butter on our table so we have something to nibble on while we wait. “Do you come here often?”

Janne shakes his head. “Most of the time I order in…or raid Jussi’s fridge… or Teemu’s if my brother is out of food.”

That sounds rather typical for Janne. “So what are you up to these days? Is Uniklubi on a break?”

“We’re in-between gigs to be exact… We have some gigs lined up next week.”

Janne loves to be on stage. He’s a real showman. I witnessed several of their gigs and he always has this smug look on his face when he’s playing. The waiter returns, not to bring our food, but to light the candle on our table and the ones standing next to us on the window sill. Suddenly the setting strikes me as rather romantic and I wonder why Janne picked this place to have dinner.

“Janne… why are we here?” I didn’t want to ask him that, but I *am* curious and I have the feeling there is more to this than meets the eye – or is that simply wishful thinking on my part?

“You baby sat my monsters, remember?”

Yes, that must be it – I’m reading too much into it. Janne promised me dinner and that’s it. There’s nothing romantic about it.

A few minutes later our food arrives and I dig into my pizza after tasting the wine. Swallowing the first bite, I wish I had heeded the warning on the menu. Damn, that pizza is spicy! I try to hide the fact that I don’t really like the pizza from Janne as he is paying for it, but my facial expression must have given me away as Janne suddenly looks at me in concern.

“Too spicy for you?”

I grab hold of the wine and take another swig. “What did they put onto it?”

“I have no idea and I’m not eager to find out… We can share my pasta…and the meatballs,“ Janne offers.

I don’t want to rob him of his food, but I can’t stomach the pizza. It would give me heartburn or worse, send me to the bathroom all evening. Janne decides for me by putting the pizza to the side and pushing his plate in-between us. Janne suddenly grins and I know he’s up to something – again.

“I know this movie,” Janne starts… “I always loved it… It’s called, Lady and the tramp and they have pasta…”

I know the movie he’s talking about and I’m about to tell him that I have seen it, when Janne suddenly bows his head and dives into the food. Using the tip of his nose he pushes one big meatball toward me. At first, I stare at him in surprise, but when he starts to giggle I join in. “You have tomato sauce on your nose!” Using my napkin, I remove the sauce. Janne gives me a dreamy look and the butterflies in my stomach suddenly start dancing like mad.

“Does this make me the lady or the tramp?” Janne asks softly.

There’s something happening – I don’t know what it is, but suddenly the world shrinks down to just the two of us. Everything else, everyone else is gone all of a sudden. It’s just Janne and me. “Definitely the tramp,” I muse softly. Janne suddenly moves closer again and our faces are only inches apart.

“If I remember correctly the tramp definitely liked the lady…”

Involuntarily I hold my breath as he inches closer still. His lips are only millimeters are away from mine and I find it impossible to say anything. He’s so damn close and I want to fucking kiss him! One moment later, my wildest dream comes true as I feel his lips pressed against mine in a gentle kiss…

TBC

Part 5

I can’t believe this is happening and I stare at Janne in shock. I always dreamt of Janne kissing me, but this feels surreal. Janne seems to catch on and releases my lips with a soft plopping sound.

“Looks like I surprised you,” Janne says softly. “I thought you saw it coming.”

In that case, he gave me more credit than he should have. “I didn’t… I had no idea… Why did you kiss me? Because of the movie or…?” I desperately need the answer to that.

“It felt right… And I had the feeling that you wanted me to kiss you… Or am I wrong?”

Of course he’s right, but can I admit that? “I might have been sending out signals,” I confess. “But I never expected you to pick them up, let alone act on them!”

Janne looks extremely smug when he smiles at me. “Ah, I might have picked the right guy for a change… Are you interested in me, Arttu?”

There’s that annoying wink of his again. Frustrated that he can read me so easily, I move my chair away from the table and cross my arms in front of my chest.

“You don’t have to say a thing, “ Janne continues smugly. “That reaction says it all. So you *do* like me in that way.”

“And even if I did, so what? It’s not like I stand a chance with you!”

My sudden outburst takes Janne aback. He blinks and then frowns. “Why do you think that?”

“I’m Antti’s baby brother! Come on, I heard you call me that!”

“That was eight years ago!” Janne stares at me in shock. “You were a teenager back then!”

Did I read him wrong then? “You don’t think of me in that way anymore?”

“No! You’re a man now… I see that… hey, there is no reason to feel insecure!”

“I don’t believe you.” It’s hard to believe I might have a chance with Janne. After suffering from that crush for a year, I thought I would never get close to him. Could I have been so wrong? Is he interested in me?

“To be honest…?” Janne actually looks nervous, maybe even a bit embarrassed, “I had a hidden agenda when I asked you to look after my dogs… I hoped it would give me a chance to get to know you better.”

What? He set me up? I can’t believe that… Is Janne that devious? I never thought so! “You planned this?”

“I did,” Janne admits. “You probably won’t believe me when I say that I’m actually shy around people I like…” Janne lowers his gaze and stares at his hands, which he rested on the table. “I thought of asking Antti in order to find out if you were interested in me—“

I have to stop him right there. “Whatever you do – don’t tell Antti! He will make you suffer just for the fun of it!”

“It’s a good thing then that I decided against that… I had the feeling that confiding in him might backfire on me.”

“Smart thinking…” I feel relieved now that Antti is still unaware of… whatever is going on. I need to sort this out. “Let me get this straight… You like me and asking me to baby sit your dogs was your way of getting into touch with me? Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I know the Aatamila temperament,” Janne says apologetically. “And I had no idea if you felt the same way.”

“What changed that?” Did I give myself away the other day?

“It was the way you looked at me when I collected the puppies… The expression in your eyes that told me that I might have a chance with you.”

I rest my head against the comfort of my chair, close my eyes, and count to ten. Of all the possible things that could have happened, I never thought this would occur. “I’m stunned.”

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” Janne sounds incredibly insecure and that urges me to open my eyes. “Maybe it’s a good thing?” he adds softly.

“You stupid…frustrating...” I still can’t believe he set me up like this – and all the time I was worried that I might give myself away and chase him off.

Janne finally starts to smile. “Sounds like you care about me.”

I want to hit him – not sure why… maybe I need to release this anxiety that I felt ever since he moved into my building. Well, no need to act like a drama queen. I should get my act together and grab the chance he’s offering me. “I care about you, yes. You’re right about that.”

“So I was right about you?” Janne cocks his head again and inches closer.

“You were right,” I admit. “I never saw this coming though…”

“Well, think of it as a really nice surprise…” Janne moistens his lips and the expression in his eyes grows hooded. “Can I date you?”

I know why I didn’t sip from my drink quite yet – I was expecting him to say something outrageous and didn’t want to embarrass myself, but to be honest, I didn’t expect him to say that. I didn’t think he would be that direct. “Date me?” It would be a dream come true, but what would I get myself into? It’s one thing to dream about Janne and being together with him. It’s something else to actually make a relationship like that work. “Janne, I’m not sure what to do… Yes, I would love to date you, but…”

“But?” Janne raises an eyebrow.

“This is totally unexpected!”

“But welcome?” Janne asks in a hopeful voice.

“Yes, it’s welcome…” I take a deep breath in an attempt to center myself. “Do you always sweep people off their feet like this?” Looking at Janne, the answer is probably yes – it’s his nature. Janne shrugs apologetically. “It’s okay… I already know the answer…”

“So you know your answer, but I still don’t know mine…”

“Huh? What?” Janne managed to confuse me again.

“Do you want to date me? Because I want to.”

Okay, that leaves no room for doubts where Janne’s interest in me is concerned. It’s time I make my decision and stick with it. Okay then… “Yes, I want to try… I want to date you – even in spite of you setting me up… That was probably a smart thing to do… Most of the time, I’m shy – too.”

Janne releases the breath he was holding and sighs deeply. “Wow, my gamble actually paid off – that’s a first!” Shyly, he reaches for my hand, turns it to the side, and rubs my palm with his thumb.

I have no idea how to react to that caress. Everything is so fucking unexpected. “Are you serious about this, Janne? Because I don’t do one-night-stands.”

“I’m serious. I actually once thought before I acted.” Janne nods again. “I like you, Arttu. I always did and I’m curious to see what a relationship with you will be like.”

“I’ll give you a chance,” I mutter, feeling breathless. “But keep in mind that you totally surprised me. I need some time to understand what’s happening.”

“That’s okay with me. I don’t mind…” Janne gestures for the waiter to join us again and then looks at me. “Do you want dessert?”

“I’m still hungry,” I admit. I appreciate it that Janne shared his pasta with me, but it didn’t really fill me up. The waiter hands us the menu again and I scan the content. “I’d love some tiramisu.”

“I will take some too…” Janne says and then gives me an extremely sly look. “And I want champagne as well… One bottle, two glasses.”

“Got something to celebrate?” I can’t resist teasing him after what he did to me.

“Yes, I think so…”

Janne squeezes my fingers and gives me the most wicked look I have even seen. Bah, that self-satisfied bastard looks pleased, but I forgive him for being smug… After all, he made this evening into a success.

~~~

I wake up to an empty bed. So Ville was serious about going jogging with Jay. I turn onto my back and stretch. It’s probably a good thing that he takes up his old habits again. If my relationship with Ahto taught me one thing, it’s that lovers need a live apart from each other, but then again, Ville and I aren’t lovers yet.

I’m not sure what’s keeping me back. Maybe it’s Ahto’s memory, me not wanting to betray our love by taking a new lover, but maybe I’m just being nervous about taking this to the next level. I don’t know about Ville, but I didn’t have many boyfriends in my life – it was always just Ahto.

Turning onto my side, I grab hold of Ville’s pillow and pull it against my chest. As I do so, my gaze drops to my crippled hand. I try to extend my fingers to the fullest, but I can’t – the fingers remain crooked. I close my eyes and think back to that fateful night in which I lost Ahto. Thanks to therapy and Ville’s support, I’m growing stronger. I would never have allowed myself to think of that night the way I’m doing now – rationally and even a bit detached.

The thugs targeted us for a reason – we looked gay to them and that’s why they pounced. Such an attack can occur anytime, anywhere, and for whatever reason. I can’t live in constant fear, but I find it hard to shake off my anxiety. It can happen to Ville too…

I shake my head and sit upright. “No, what happened is in the past and I have to let go,” I speak aloud on purpose, repeating the things I learned during therapy. “And the past is just that. I can’t bring back Ahto, but I can remember him and my love for him. I must live in the present – I must savor the love I share with Ville – he’s my life now.” Thinking like that is still hard, but the more often I repeat the words aloud, the more I feel like I own them – like they’re real. “I will relish my time with Ville and I know how special it is that I found love again – right here and now.”

“Uhm, do you always talk to yourself?” Suddenly Jonne peeks his head around the corner and looks into the room.

Smiling at Jonne, I shrug. “It’s something my therapist told me to do. I tend to live in the past… I have to focus on the present instead.” I gesture for him to step inside and Jonne heads for the bed. The fact that he’s only wearing boxers with cute bunnies on them makes me grin.

Jonne’s gaze drops down his body. “Don’t ask – I got them from Larry for Christmas.” Jonne sits down on the side of the bed. “Ville left about thirty minutes ago to go jogging with Jay.”

“He told me… He should be back around ten.”

“What are you going to do in the meantime?”

Jonne’s smile remains soft and caring and I’m grateful the Liimatainen family took me in. Their support did wonders for my self-esteem. “I’’m not sure yet… Probably take a long shower, eat a bite, and maybe read… I still got some books which I want to read.”

“I’m done in the bathroom, so feel free to use it,” Jonne says.

“And what about Eero? Won’t he want to go first?”

Jonne chuckles. “Eepi is still sound asleep. I don’t think he will wake up before noon. I’m afraid I rather exhausted him.”

Too much information! I smile at Jonne though. “I’m happy that the two of you are working out.”

“Trust me, I’m happy about that too.” Jonne rises from the bed and returns to the doorway. “I’m getting started on breakfast. If you want to, join me in the kitchen after you showered.”

“I will!” Jonne leaves the room and I swing my feet onto the floor. I collect the clothes I want to wear that day and head for the bathroom, which I lock, just to make sure Eero doesn’t walk in on me. I turn on the water, step beneath it, and enjoy freshening up. The thought that Ville is out there—working himself into a sweat – makes me enjoy my shower even more. I make sure my hair doesn’t get wet and after wrapping myself up in a towel I reach for the body lotion. After rubbing it onto my skin, I slip into my clothes and clean up after me. Once I’m ready, I head for the kitchen. Jonne put on some sweat pants in the meantime and sits, nursing his coffee, at the kitchen table.

“There’s tea too,” Jonne says and points me to the kitchen counter.

I pour some, add a bit of sugar, and join him. “So what are your plans for the day?” I ask in order to make conversation.

“I’m heading back to the studio in thirty minutes.” Jonne looks a bit sad though. “I wish I could spend more time with Eero, but right now, spare time is sparse.”

“Make it up to him later?” I suggest.

“I will… I took the upcoming weekend off and Eero isn’t working either so maybe I’ll kidnap him and take him somewhere romantic…”

“Sounds good to me.” I sigh contently after swallowing the first tea of the day.

“And what are you up to?” Jonne inquires as he pours himself more coffee.

“Jarmo and I will have lunch together… Ville is free to tag along of course… And later… I don’t know yet… maybe we can head for the amusement park. I’m in the mood to do something silly.” I really am. I want to shake off the past like an ill fitting glove. I’m not sure I will manage, but I can try.

“Don’t forget to eat,” Jonne says as he rises from his chair to get ready for the day. “There’s bread, toppings, and even muesli over there.”

I already spotted the food. “I will eat,” I promise. I’m not a big breakfast fan, but I do need something in my stomach. Jonne leaves the kitchen and I fill a bowl with cereal. After adding milk to it, I take it with me into the living room. I put the food on the coffee table and then get a book from my room. It’s the Bernini mystery by Dan Brown. I always wanted to read it, but never had the energy to do so. I ate my breakfast, sip more tea, and get comfortable in the recliner.

~~~

Huh, what’s that smell? Cautiously, I open my eyes and find Ville towering over me. I must have fallen asleep while reading – can’t have been much of an exciting book then. I focus on Ville: he’s covered in sweat and pants slightly. “You stink,” escapes me unintended.

“That happens when you jog!” Ville takes my comment in stride and doesn’t get upset about it. “I’ll take a quick shower and then I won’t stink anymore… But what are you still doing here? Aren’t you supposed to meet Jarmo?”

I quickly check the time, but it’s only ten AM. “I’m not meeting up with him until noon. He wanted to sleep in.” If Ville wasn’t reeking that badly, I would pull him onto my lap to kiss him.

“Ah, I will be even faster in the shower then…” Ville acts at once and heads for the bathroom. “Be sweet and fix me coffee and a bite to eat?” Ville comes to a halt, cocks his head, and looks at me pleadingly. “Please?”

“Sure, no problem…” I don’t mind doing that. “Go ahead and enjoy the shower.” I would slap his behind to get him going if he wasn’t that far away – and didn’t smell. “Move it!” Ville gives me a smile and then leaves.

I put away my book, get to my feet, and head for the kitchen where I switch on the coffeemaker. The cereal, bread, and toppings are still on the kitchen table, so there’s not much I need to do. I get my book from the living room, settle down at the kitchen table, and concentrate on reading while the coffee is getting ready.

Ville is true to his word and joins me ten minutes later, smelling of shower gel and after shave. I definitely like him better this way. Putting the book aside, I search out his gaze and crook my finger, indicating he should join me.

“Hum, I smell coffee… You’re a sweetheart,” Ville says as he comes to a stop.

“But I demand pay for work done,” I hint wickedly. I don’t feel completely at ease expressing my feelings for him, but I’m working on it. When I was dating Ahto, I had been a lot more playful and I want to know if that side of my personality is still there. I shift my chair and point at my lap. Ville seems surprised at first, but quickly catches on. He lowers himself onto my lap and straddles me. “You smell good,” I say and add a soft purr to my words.

“I’m happy you like my after shave,” Ville jokes as he puts his arms around my neck. “That coffee smells good too, but I’m in the mood for a appetizer first.”

His actions leave me no time to consider what he’s hinting at, as he leans in closer and claims my lips. The tip of his tongue presses against my lips and I open my mouth to allow him in. Ville wastes no time and his tongue slithers inside, probing the inside of my mouth. I bring up my arms behind him and press him close against me. I stop thinking and just feel.

“Mum…” Ville purrs against my lips. His expression turns wicked and a moment later, his right hand slips beneath the T-shirt I’m wearing. “I want more…”

I nod – I want more too. I mimic his move and allow for my good hand to slide beneath his shirt. Stroking his back, I lean in closer and kiss him – deeply this time and more demandingly. Ville’s pressed so close against me, that I feel him grow hard. I’m not much better off… Our kissing affects me too. I wish I could give him what he wants, but I need to do this in small steps. I need to get used to having a lover again – a lover who isn’t Ahto.

“We should stop,” Ville says and he sounds badly out of breath. “You drive me mad.”

“If it’s any consolation, you do the same thing to me,” I confess.

“That is good to know, but you didn’t have to tell me…” Ville grins wickedly and shifts on my lap.

Of course he would know – I’m hard! Ville leaves another kiss on my lips and then gets up. He sits down on the chair next to me and pours some cereal into a bowl to which he adds sugar and milk. I need to do something in order to distract myself and get up to get him his coffee. I add milk and sugar to it and put it in front of him. Ville reaches for my deformed hand and presses a kiss onto it’s back.

“Thanks…”

His action causes me to feel all jittery. I quickly sit down again and stare into my tea, which is probably too cold to drink. “Do you want to come along to the amusement park?” I don’t want him to feel left out.

“I think I’ll bail out… I have the feeling Jarmo might appreciate some alone time with you… Maybe we can have a private evening instead?”

Ville’s decision surprises me, but I accept it nonetheless. “What will you do during the day then?”

“I’m thinking about helping out Arttu with the dogs… He looked exhausted.”

I should have known it would be something like that. “I’ll make sure that I’m back around eight.”

“Good, I will get home around the same time then… Your bedroom or mine?”

I love Ville for always making me smile. “Yours has the bigger bed.”

“True, but yours is cuddlier…”

“We will see where we end up, okay?” I reach across the table and fold my fingers around his. “Ville, do you have any idea how precious you are to me? How much I love you?”

“That look in your eyes says it all,” Ville replies and squeezes my fingers in turn.

I avert my gaze, feeling shy all of a sudden. We might still have a long way ahead of us, but as long as love each other, we will make it.

~~~

“I’m too old for these rides,” Jarmo protests.

“Don’t be like that! It’s only a ghost train!” And the entire thing is painted purple and has cute paintings which are meant to scare us? “It’s not scary at all!”

“But that’s the scary thing – it’s too cute!” Jarmo laughs loudly.

W survive the ride and giggle like made when we get outside again. I have to admit Jarmo was right though – that wasn’t scary at all. “Do you want coffee?”

Jarmo nods and we get some. We settle down on chairs close to the water and I look out over the lake.

“It’s hard to believe that only three months ago you were living like a hermit and refused to go outside,” Jarmo says after sipping from his coffee.

“Ville made the difference.” If it hadn’t been for him I would probably still be at the clinic. “It’s strange—the things love does to you.”

“You love him?” Jarmo watches me from above the rim of his mug.

“Yes, I do… It’s a different kind of love though… I loved Ahto in one way and Ville in another. Ahto was my first boyfriend… With Ville things are…different.”

“I know what you’re trying to say,” Jarmo whispers and drinks some more coffee. “I’m happy for you…”

“I’m not there yet,” I temper his enthusiasm. “I’m still afraid to go outside when it’s dark… and we haven’t been intimate either.” I hadn’t wanted to add that bit, but it needed out. “I’m fortunate that Ville gives me the time I need.”

“There’s no need to rush,” Jarmo agrees. “Take your time…both of you.”

It’s not like I have a choice, but I don’t want to come across being negative. “So what’s going on in your life?”

Jarmo shrugs. “Same as always… Wife’s nagging, kids want money and the family pizza we ordered the other day was cold.”

That’s so typically Jarmo that I burst out laughing. “You sound happy.”

“I’m happy….but a visit from you in the future would make me even happier…”

“Not sure if I’m ready for that… I still need to be inside before dark or else… I panic.” I really want to see Jarmo’s family again – it’s been so long. And I want to visit our parents too, but I have to take everything one step at a time. “How do you like staying with Tommi?”

“Good, except for the fact that he doesn’t drink alcohol… I really don’t like non-alcoholic beer.”

“You’ll survive,” I comfort him.

“Sure, I will…” Jarmo looks at his wrist watch and then gives me a look. “Didn’t you want to be home at seven?”

I check the time too and realize that it’s time for us to get moving. It will grow dark soon at any rate.

~~~

Ville isn’t at home yet when I get there at seven thirty, but Eero and Jonne are. I find them curled up on the couch, arms and legs twined and looking happy. As I don’t want to disturb them, I head for my room and pick up my book again. Hopefully, this time I won’t fall asleep while reading it.

TBC

Part 6

I decide to detour and first head for the supermarket. When Juha and I visited Arttu the other day, he didn’t have much in the kitchen cupboards except for dog food. I pick up most of Arttu’s favorite foods and head for my friend’s apartment. Using my key, I remind myself to invite myself over for Janne’s house-warming party, or, if he isn’t throwing one, to tell him that he should have one!

It’s rather quiet in the corridor. I sort of expect to hear the puppies bark, but no sound comes from Arttu’s apartment. I ring the doorbell and hope I’m not waking him. It’s noon, so he should be up. A few minutes later, the key turns in the lock and the door opens. Arttu, looking sleep-tousled and with messy hair, stands in front of me. He raises a hand and tries to wipe his sleep from his eyes, but it isn’t really working. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

Arttu shrugs. “Can’t be helped…” He steps aside and I enter the hallway.

“Hey, you cleaned up!” It looks a lot better than the last time I visited.

“Now that the monsters are gone I can finally get everything into order again.”

Arttu heads for the kitchen and I follow him. “They’re gone?”

“Janne picked them up… I have my life back!” Arttu collapses onto a chair and eyes the coffee maker. “Why can’t it work by itself?”

Getting the hint, I put my groceries on the kitchen table, fill up the coffee maker with water, add coffee, and switch it on. “Better?”

“You’re a saint…”

“Barely!” I sit down next to Arttu and remove the food from the bag. “I thought you might be hungry.”

Arttu cocks his head. “Be a saint and fix me breakfast?”

“Lunch is more like it!” But I’ll humor him, considering the things he has been through recently. I prepare a giant sandwich for him, put it onto a plate, and push it over to him.

“Thanks again…” Arttu puts his teeth into it and chews happily. “I want my coffee black, please.”

I shake my head at Arttu, but as his actions amuse me, I remove a mug from the cupboard, fill it up with coffee, and put it in front of him. “Anything else, your majesty?”

Arttu grins… “Not at the moment…”

Something about that grin sets off my alarms. “What?”

“How did you know that I’m a lady… a princess, Ville?”

Arttu giggles loudly and I have no idea why. It’s not funny at all! “It was a just a joke.”

“No, I’m not a princess… Just a lady… Who misses his tramp.”

“You had better start making sense or else I’ll call the clinic. Maybe you can have Juha’s room now that he no longer needs it.” Arttu can be confusing at times, but this is worse than his normal babbling.

“Ah, maybe I will tell you some day…” Arttu leans back and sips his coffee. “But not today.”

“You need more sleep, Arttu. You’re delirious!”

“Not really, but … Hah, the world is perfect today… It’s a great day… An excellent day – the best!”

I blink, feeling confused. “You should go back to bed and sleep! Maybe then you’ll start to make sense again!”

“Ville, why are you here?”

Arttu’s probing look confuses me further. “I wanted to help out… Considering those monsters are a handful, I wanted to show you my support.”

“In that case you have to go to the third floor… That’s where Janne lives and the dogs are with him.”

“I know that – you told me, remember? Just what is wrong with you today?”

“Nothing’s wrong… I feel terribly relaxed… at peace… just right.”

Arttu’s talking nonsense again, and out of habit, I study his pupils – they are normal though. “Are you on drugs?” I hope not – Antti would get mad if his younger brother did drugs… Antti himself experimented a lot, but that doesn’t mean his younger brother is allowed to do the same thing.

“No, of course not! You know me!” Arttu sobers and glares at me. “I don’t do drugs!”

“Then what the hell is going on with you?”

“A lot, but… Ville… I…”

Arttu’s obviously lost for words and that worries me. “Can I help?”

“I don’t think so… You see… I’m in love – and that is a madness of his own.”

“You’re in love?” I inch closer. “Is it someone I know?”

“I’m not telling you, Wilma.”

“That’s mean!” I cross my arms in front of my chest. Yes, in the past I loved to gossip, but that has changed. “You can tell me… I’ll remain quiet.”

“Sorry, but no… Not yet… The feeling is still too fresh – the emotions too new… Do you understand?”

Not really, but if Arttu doesn’t want to tell me, he should have stayed quiet about it. It feels like he’s teasing me! “I had better be going… Sounds to me like you need time to think.”

“You might be right about that… So much happened… in such short time.”

I rise from the chair and give Arttu a hug and a quick kiss onto his hair. “You know where to find me when you’re ready to talk.”

Arttu nods. “Thanks, Ville… I might give you a call one day – but not quite yet.”

“That’s okay! And don’t forget to take care of yourself.” I wave at Arttu and leave the apartment. I have no idea what’s going on with him and it irritates me that I can’t help him. Maybe I should give Antti a call. I promised to call him at any rate…

~~~~

I leave Arttu to his madness and I can’t help but wonder who he’s in love with and if the feeling is mutual. He didn’t say that. Mentally I review Arttu’s possible crushes, but it’s tough. I don’t know what type of guys he is attracted to and there are so many possibilities! I’m happy that he doesn’t have a crush on me – that would have been uncomfortable.

I roam the streets a bit and when I check the time, I realize I’m running late. I had told Juha that I would be home at eight and I’m already fifteen minutes late. I fasten my pace and am about to pass by a florist when I suddenly get an idea. I halt, turn around, and go inside. Now, what kind of flowers should I pick? Roses are too obvious, I think. In the end, I ask the florist.

Stepping outside, I wonder why I ended up with a bunch of fucking tulips. I don’t even like them, but according to the florist flowers have their own meaning, so by giving Juha red tulips I’m declaring my love for him. My ass… Like Juha knows that! Ah well, it’s too late to go back and complain, or have them exchanged, and I resume walking.

~~~

By the time I get home I’m forty-five minutes late. I’m not sure how Juha will react to that – I *am* surprised that he didn’t call to check on me. Some girlfriends, and boyfriends, called me even when I was only two minutes late. The fact that Juha isn’t checking on me confuses me.

I open the front door and step into the hallway. It’s quiet in the apartment and there aren’t any lights on – but hold on, there’s light sneaking through from beneath the door to Juha’s room. Jonne and Eero don’t seem to be at home and that means Juha and I have the place to ourselves.

I’m tempted to knock on the door, which is ajar, but at the same time, I want to surprise Juha by presenting him my flowers. Although I don’t want to peep, I shift until I can look into Juha’s room. He’s on the bed and the book which he had been reading slipped from his fingers. It lies next to him. Juha himself is asleep – on his back and snoring softly. So that’s why he didn’t call to check on me. He fell asleep – again. It’s not surprising really. When he was at the clinic his days were structured, but now that he’s living here, everything changed. He’s way more active and his body isn’t used to that anymore.

I step inside and walk over to the bed. He looks gorgeous asleep. His red hair lies fanned over the pillow and his lips quiver each time he draws in breath. I’m immensely grateful that Juha decided to fight and that he’s giving us a chance.

“Hey, sleepy, wake up.” I whisper the words as I don’t want to startle him. “Wake up, sleeping beauty.” Leaning in closer, I place a gentle kiss onto his quavering lips.

Juha mutters softly, but then opens his eyes. He’s surprised at first, but then the expression changes into love. “I’m sorry I’m late, but I picked up these for you.” I place the tulips next to him on the bed and he turns his head to see what I got him. “The saleslady said that they represent love…”

Juha raises his deformed hand and strokes the petals. “You’re spoiling me.”

“You deserve being spoiled.” Cautiously, as the bed is really small, I stretch out next to him. “I hope you like them.”

“I do…” Juha takes hold of the tulips and presses them against his chest. He deeply inhales their sweet fragrances and sighs. “And I like you…”

Hoping that is a hint, I push my hands beneath his back and slowly pull Juha on top of me. He puts the tulips aside on the bed and makes himself comfortable in my arms. I rub his back and guide his head against my shoulder. “I love holding you like this. And you smell good.” Juha sighs against my ear and I actually feel him relax in my arms. He feels perfectly comfortable being like this. “How was your day? Did you have fun with Jarmo?”

Juha doesn’t move much: he starts whispering into my ear though. “We went to the amusement park… We rode the ghost train – it was so cute…”

“Ah, I remember that ride…” I slip a hand beneath Juha’s shirt and rub his bare skin. He stays relaxed and that tells me that my touch is welcome. “Maybe we can go there one day and ride it.” Unexpectedly, Juha presses his lips against my throat and he lightly sucks at the skin. “Hey, are you a vampire after all?” I had joked about that when Juha had been afraid to come to the rooftop with me.

Juha chuckles and then the tip of his tongue caress my skin. “You’re wicked.” I move my head until I can make eye contact with Juha. His eyes shine with happiness – he’s obviously very pleased about the situation we’re in. “I love you too…” I cup his face in the palm of my hand and guide his lips closer to me. I need to kiss him.

Our lips meet and Juha’s tongue slips into my mouth to explore further. I welcome him, suck lightly at the tip of his tongue and teasingly scratch his back with my fingernails – without leaving any marks though. Our kissing, the way he is stretched atop of me, and his scent – all those things drive me crazy and make me hard. Juha’s reaction mirrors mine – his erection presses against my hip. I run my fingers through his hair and swipe back the red strands. “Talk to me…” I need to know if he wants to stop or go to the next level. “I can’t read your mind… You need to tell me what you want.”

Juha’s thumb moves along my jaw and an incredible soft expression appears in his green eyes. “I’m not sure what I want… But I do know what I need… I need more… And what do you want?”

“I want more… I could wait… if that’s what you needed… but yes, I want more…” I massage his scalp and stare into his eyes. I don’t think that I’ve ever been this much in love before. Everything changed when Juha entered my life.

Juha’s expression grows shy, but his hands bolder. He rests his good hand on my groin and squeezes through the denim. “Wicked,” I comment lazily. “Very wicked.” My words encourage Juha: he opens the zipper and pushes the jeans out of his way.

“Are you okay with this? With me…taking the lead?”

I nod. “I think you need to be in charge and I don’t mind one bit. I like being spoiled.” It’s the truth – let Juha take charge. I’ll lay back and enjoy the ride – for now. Juha’s fingers dip beneath my boxers and I sigh happily when skin hits skin. I help by pushing my boxers out of the way for him. “That gives you better access,” I say in a smug voice, which makes Juha chuckle.

“Thanks for your assistance,” Juha whispers in a similar smug tone. He wraps his fingers around my erection and starts pumping me – slowly, but firmly – just the way I like it.

“Can I do the same thing for you?” I don’t want to be the only one enjoying myself.

“Let me do you first… I’m not sure I can concentrate if you touch me in turn.”

Honesty shines from his eyes and I comply. If he likes things better this way, I will humor him. “Kiss me?” With my fingers buried once more in Juha’s hair, I pull him toward me and kiss him on the lips. Juha returns the kiss and speeds up his strokes. I won’t last long: it’s too much. I wanted for this to happen for quite some time and now Juha is making that fantasy come true. “I love you, “ I whisper against his lips. I pull him close the moment I climax and crush him against me. “So good…” Juha’s tongue licks at my bottom lip and that caress coaxes me to come down from my sexual high. “Very good…”

Juha smiles at me and showers my throat with kisses. “I’m glad I could help you out.”

Ah, but two can play this game. I have had my pleasure, now I want to give him his. I unbutton his jeans and slip the material down his thighs. “My turn…” Juha looks surprised for a moment, but then nods. I bring my arms up behind Juha’s back and start rolling him over onto his back. Suddenly, we tumble and end up on the floor with a loud thud. Damn it! I had forgotten that we’re in Juha’s room and that he only has a single for a bed. “Sorry…” I mouth and give Juha my best puppy dog look. Juha however bursts out laughing.

Good, at least he isn’t angry with me and our fall didn’t cause him to lose interest in our little activity as he is still hard. “I’ll make things up to you…” I do feel bad for rolling him out of the bed.

“You don’t need to…” Juha shakes his head in obvious bemusement.

“But I want to!” I throw in my best pouting look and it makes Juha nod. It’s good to know that I can easily wind him around my little finger! “Can I remove your shirt?” For what I have in mind it would be best if Juha were naked… And I want to see him naked all over!

Juha nods again and he helps me to rid us of his shirt. I sigh appreciatively at seeing all that perfect skin. “You’re lovely…” I crawl on top of him and lick down his sternum. For some reason, my action makes Juha giggle and I raise my head in order to find out why.

“Sorry, I didn’t expect that,” Juha explains.

I’m relieved that he feels comfortable with being intimate. I had no idea how he would react, but so far my gamble pays off. My right hand wanders down to his groin to manipulate his erection, and with the other, I rub his nipples – teasingly and I take turns at touching them. I don’t want to neglect one because I’m spoiling the other. “I’m hungry for you…” I wonder what our first time will be like and who will end up taking whom… We need to talk about that first though. “Close your eyes… Enjoy the ride…” I suck a nipple into my mouth and bite playfully into the nub. Juha squirms beneath me – looks like he is really sensitive there. That’s good to know.

Juha turns out to be rather vocal – giving me soft purrs or demanding moans whenever I touch him in a way which arouses him even more. He’s nearing his climax and I speed up my strokes. At the same time, I suck at his bottom lip and tweak a nipple. His reaction is instant and he spills over my hand. Pleased with my accomplishments, I grin from ear to ear. Juha turns his head and looks at me in a lazy way. “That was good, wasn’t it?” I pet his hair and smile. “Even though we’re stuck on the floor!”

Juha nods and chuckles softly. “But the next time, let’s use your bed, yes?”

My heart thumps madly at hearing those three little words – the next time… “I’m all in favor for that…” I wrap my arms around him and hold him close as I need to contact. “Love you,” I whisper.

“Love you too,” comes Juha’s immediate reply. “But let’s clean up… Or do you want to end up glued to each other?”

I can’t help myself and say, “I wouldn’t mind being glued to you…” Instead of growing shy again, Juha shakes his head and laughs amused. “Let’s clean up anyway.”

~~~

Later that evening, after we took a shower – separately because the shower cabin is really tiny – I curl up around Juha in my bed. He washed his hair and it’s still damp. It also smells delicious and almost good enough to eat. The thought makes me grin and Juha arches an eyebrow inquisitively. I shake my head though and twine my fingers with his. “What are your plans for tomorrow?”

“Jarmo and I will meet at noon, have a bite to eat, and then I’m showing him Tampere… We’ll probably end up at some pub or maybe in my room. And what will you do?”

“Not sure yet…” I yawn. “Maybe do some shopping of my own… or harass Jonne at the recording studio.”

“But we will spend the evening together again?”

“Of course… and the night…” I move closer to Juha and study his eyes. He looks happy. “The surgery is in three days,” I remind him and bring up the topic which I want to discuss. “Are you still okay with that?”

“I am… It needs to be done.” Juha sighs. “I’m not happy about the discomfort I’ll be in or the extra work I will cause, but… I can’t really change that.”

“And then you can go back to making music. You can play the guitar again – and all the other instruments. You can write songs again, get the band together and make another album?”

“Maybe,” Juha says calmly. “I don’t think that far ahead yet. First I will have surgery and then the physical therapy will follow. Let’s wait and see how much flexibility my hand will regain. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed again.”

“I understand that, but you don’t need to be afraid. The surgeon was confident that your hand would turn out just fine!”

Juha rests his head against my shoulder and his deformed hand slips beneath my shirt to stroke my abdomen. I purr softly to show my appreciation.

“How did things go with Arttu? How bad did the monsters misbehave?”

“The monsters weren’t there…” I close my eyes and savor Juha’s presence. “Apparently Janne picked them up the other day and Arrtu’s got his space back…”

Juha raises his head slightly and looks at me questioningly. “And?”

He picked up on the fact that I wanted to add something. “Apparently Arttu is in love…”

Juha’s face burst out into smiles. “That’s great! Who’s the lucky one?”

“Janne…”

Juha blinks, blinks again and then frowns. “The puppies’ owner?”

“Yes, that one… I don’t know what happened last night. Arttu didn’t want to tell me and merely hinted at things… That drove me mad. I hate it when he does that.”

“Maybe he isn’t ready yet to tell you?”

“That’s what Arttu said,” I confirm. “It’s a strange thought though – Arttu and Janne getting together.”

“Why is it strange? I don’t know Janne, so tell me.”

I shrug. “Janne’s older… He was married and has a little girl… Janne is in a completely different place in his life than Arttu… Arttu’s still young and…inexperienced compared to Janne…”

“Does age matter? We’re not the same age either.”

“It’s not just the age thing… In a way, they are opposites… Arttu is a rascal… He doesn’t think before he acts – most of the time… He lives carefree… Janne is the opposite… You might not say it when you see him the first time, but he’s mature… he has a family he has to take care of – he’s a father already.”

“I really think that you need to give them the benefit of the doubt… Look at Jonne and Eero… Eero never thought they would work out… or look at us! Remember when Tommi tried to stop you from dating the lunatic in that clinic!”

I blush upon hearing those words. I don’t know if telling Juha that was the right thing to do, but it had just slipped one evening. “Tommi can be a bitch at times.”

“It’s okay… If I had been your older brother I would have been careful too. I don’t blame Tommi.” Juha rests his head back against my shoulder and closes his eyes. A sigh escapes his lips, he shifts until he’s comfortable and whispers, “Sleep tight, Ville… Will see you in the morning…”

“Sweet dreams to you too.” I press a kiss onto his hair and smile. This was one of the best days in my life.

TBC

Part 7

Although it’s great to have my apartment to myself again, I must admit that I *do* miss the little monsters. There was never a dull moment when they were around. But… At least now my place is tidy again. I even managed to shower, wash my clothes, and call some people – including Antti, who sounded worried for some reason. I quickly assured him that I’m fine. I didn’t tell him about Janne though – Antti would tease me mercilessly if he knew about that!

Checking on the time, I find that it’s five PM already. Janne said that he would drop by in the evening. He had already promised the morning and afternoon to his daughter. I think it’s great that he spends so much time with her – he’s a great dad.

I make coffee, grab one of the muffins, which Ville left behind and settle down in front of my computer. It’s been two weeks since I updated on Facebook and I’m curious to see what’s going on with my friends. After assuring everyone that I’m indeed still alive and kicking, I empty my coffee and bite into my muffin. I would rather bite into my tramp though.

Grinning like mad, I close my eyes and think back to last night. Janne’s confession took me completely by surprise. I had not seen it coming. But, I welcome his interest in me and hope I won’t disappoint him. I’m painfully aware of the differences between us and I don’t mean just the age thing. I won’t let that stop me though. I’ve been in love with Janne for over a year now and now he’s giving me a chance to be with him. I would be a fool if I would reject him!

I’m surprised to hear dogs barking in the corridor and turn my head. Could it be that Janne…

And yes, that’s the doorbell ringing. It’s Janne all right and he brought the monsters. I close my laptop, get to my feet, and walk over to the front door. I open it, cock my head, and lean against the doorframe. “Hei…” I try to appear cool and unimpressed, but I have the feeling I’m failing miserably. “What are you doing here?” Janne cocks his head in turn and grins while reigning in the puppies. They’re jumping about as they want to greet me.

“I said I would drop by, didn’t I? Can’t leave the monsters alone in the apartment though… And I still need to walk them.. .Want to tag along?”

He could have asked me to clean his entire apartment and I would have said yes because of that charming smile of his. “Let me get my coat…” I reach for my coat, slip into it, and make sure I pocket my key. “I’m ready to go.” I lock the door and raise an eyebrow when Janne offers me to loop my arm with his. Hell, why not? Walking closely to Janne, I exit the building and step onto street. The skies are gray and we’ll probably have rain later. It won’t be long until the first snow will start to fall.

“Did you already eat dinner?”Janne asks as he peeks at me.

“Not yet… I ate a muffin though…” And Janne would make a great muffin – lots to nibble on… Argh, I have to stop thinking like that!

“Maybe you want to join me for dinner then? I can throw pizza into the oven, if that’s okay with you… I can’t leave the dogs alone tonight, otherwise I might ask you out.”

“That’s okay… I don’t need to eat out…” Okay, I can do this… I’m not that fucking shy! “I rather have your company than dinner at a restaurant.” Janne looks up and I see surprise in his eyes… but the surprise quickly changes into affection.

“Thanks for telling me that, Arttu.”

Janne’s fingers, curled around mine, press gently and he flashes me a stunning smile. That smile makes me weak in the knees again. How am I going to get through the fucking evening without embarrassing myself? That smile renders me completely helpless!

We walk the dogs and then return to the apartment building. After riding the elevator to Janne’s floor, we get off, and Janne opens the door. The monsters run inside and disappear from view.

“How hungry are you? Should I throw in the pizzas right away?” Janne wants to know.

“We can wait… I’m not hungry yet…” I stroll through the apartment and end up sitting on Janne’s comfortable couch in the living room. Janne gives me a bemused look as he comes to a halt in front of me.

“Do you want a drink?”Janne cocks his head questioningly.

“Beer would be great.”

“You *are* old enough to drink, aren’t you?”

Irritated, I release a “Hum!” and throw one of the cushions at him. “Don’t start like that!” Janne ducks and avoids getting hit.

“I had better get you your beer then…”

Janne heads for the kitchen and doesn’t return until five minutes later. I wonder what took him so long. I get my answer when I get a look at his drink – coffee… “Are the monsters behaving?”

“They’re having dinner. Hopefully they will fall asleep right after that.” Janne sits down next to me and sips from his coffee.

As we’re not speaking, silences settles over us, but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable. We’re watching each other closely… maybe trying to find out exactly where we stand. “I confused the hell out of Ville earlier today,” I say eventually. “I told him that I was in love, but didn’t tell him with whom. It drove him mad.”

Janne smiles. “Well, in that case he can’t start any rumors… Did you tell Antti yet?”

I shake my head. “I don’t want him to bud in and harass us. Let’s keep him in the dark for a few more days.” Unfortunately Antti always finds out what’s going on in the end.

“You’re right. It’s only a matter of time before someone tells him that we’re dating…”

“Dating…” Grinning, I repeat the word. “We’re actually dating.” I want to add more, but then the monsters attack and jump onto the couch. While Tia tries to lick my face, Calypso attempts to pull Janne’s bandana from his head.

“Down… bad puppy!” Janne puts Calypso down and then also Tia. He pats their snuggly pillow, which lies next to the couch. “Come on, guys, be good and take a nap!”

The puppies have other ideas though – they run into the corridor and from where I sit, I see them chasing each other’s tails. Hopefully it will wear them down! Janne shifts closer, and closer, until his face is only a few inches away from mine. I arch an eyebrow and grin challengingly.

“Can I kiss you?”

“What would you do if I said no?” Let’s see how he reacts to teasing!

“To be honest? I would probably back off,” Janna admits, but he’s still grinning. “But only when I think that you mean it. Right now, it would be a lie though. You want me to kiss you.”

“You’re observant,” I quip and give him a wink. “So what are you waiting for, tramp?”

Janne seems to like being calling that, as he slips his hand behind my neck, pulls me closer, and kisses me on the lips. Savoring the moment, I close my eyes and inch closer to him. I have to stop myself from crawling onto his lap! Janne’s a great kisser and I wrap an arm around him. I want to crawl inside him and never release my hold on him again. He’s fucking mine!

Janne pulls away and chuckles. “Hey, I need to breathe!”

“Sorry,” I whisper and blush. “I like kissing you.”

“I figured that… and I love kissing you too, but let’s breathe occasionally!”

I nod and realize I came across too strong. “Maybe you should throw in those pizzas after all.. Then I have something to nibble on.” Oh fuck, did I really say that? Can the floor please open and swallow me?

Janne however merely seems amused. “Come on then.” He gets to his feet and extends his arm, offering to pull me to my feet. I accept and we make our way into the kitchen. Janne manages to find the pizzas somewhere in his huge fridge and throws them into the oven. We settle down at the kitchen table and I sip from my beer. Janne’s sticking to his coffee and that makes me wonder. Janne sees my curious look and shrugs.

“I like beer, don’t get me wrong, but… I don’t drink because I can, like some people. I have to be in the mood for it and I don’t like getting drunk… I remember – or don’t remember – that one time when I drank so much that I passed out. I didn’t like feeling like that so… I’m careful around alcohol.”

“I admire that… Not you passing out because you drank too much, but that you don’t drink just to get drunk…” I like that in Janne. I like it a lot.

“So what do you want with your pizza?”

“What are you having?”

“I’ll have some wine,” Janne says and winks at me. “I *do* drink alcohol, so don’t feel like you should stop doing so.”

“In that case, I will have wine too.” Normally I don’t want to please the people around me, but things are different with Janne. I really want to make this work! Janne pours us white wine, removes the pizzas from the oven, and puts them onto plates. He even cuts them in slices and puts them on the kitchen table. “Looks and smells good!” The smells awake my appetite and I dive into the food.

Janne picks up a slice too and starts nibbling. Suddenly I realize that I’m wolfing my slice down while he takes his time. We *are* different in many ways, but don’t they say that opposites attract? I do hope that’s the case with us.

Janne sips from his wine and smiles at me from over his pizza slice. “It feels different, don’t you think? Maybe even odd.”

“I know what you mean. “ I do… “We’re dancing around each other.”

“We’re going from just being friends to…boyfriends… And we never thought that would happen.”

I reach across the table and take Janne’s hand into mine. “How do you think our friends will react?”

“Relaxed… They won’t have a problem with it… I’m not so sure about Antti though.”

“One can never be sure about Antti!” I have the feeling that taking the next step is up to me, so I move my chair closer to Janne’s. “What do you want to do this evening? Watch a movie maybe?” Janne nods and I continue. “And maybe kiss some more.”

“Definitely,” Janne nods.

He cuts off a small piece of his pizza and feeds it to me. I munch and swallow the food and cock my head. “I want to climb onto your lap.”

“What’s stopping you?”

Okay, that’s giving me permission… I leave my chair and climb onto his lap. Straddling him, I twine my fingers behind his neck and study him. I wonder what he will do if I decide to ravish him right here and now. Hey, I’m young! My hormones rage! Leaning in closer, I claim his lips and bury my fingers in his hair. He’s not escaping me!

Janne’s sharp intake of breath tells me that I surprised him. I look at his eyes in order to find out if I am going too far, but he’s smiling and seems okay with it. Okay, when he’s not stopping me then… “Can I have my way with you?” I should ask before I do anything stupid.

Janne gives me a long and probing look. “Are you sure you want this? Like right now?”

“I’m sure… I have fantasized about you for over a year and now that I can have you… I don’t want to wait.” Oh, I am certainly not acting like a lady at the moment – more like the tramp.

“Arttu… we need protection… I was always careful, but we shouldn’t take any chances.”

His words hit me like a wave of icy water. He’s right. “I’m careful too, but you’re right… We should use a condom. Do you have any?”

“Bathroom… Want me to get one?”

“No, you stay right where you are and don’t move!” I can find a box of condoms, damn it! I practically run into the bathroom, look in the cupboard, and yes, bingo – there they are. Already lubricated… That will come in handy! Feeling quite pleased with myself I return to the kitchen. Janne hasn’t moved, just like I told him. There is an amused expression on his face though – he’s curious. Oh, he will find out what I’m up to soon enough.

“You’re wearing too many clothes!” I place the condoms on the table and stand in front of him. “Raise your arms, will you?” I make quick work of his T-shirt and have to take care not to drool at the sight of his bare chest.

Sitting on one of Janne’s knee, I study his physique. Personally, I find it more attractive when a guy has some meat on his bones. I understand why people find, for example, Jonne, hot, but I’m not into the androgynous type myself. Janne might look cute, but he definitely has a male physique. “I want to taste you…” Leaning in closer, I run my tongue down his chest and dip it in his belly button. Janne laughs and I peek at him.

“I’m probably in for some wild things in the bedroom!” Janne jokes.

He might be right though. “We’ll see…” I busy myself nibbling on his skin and while running my hands down his chest and I have to admit that he tastes good – better than that pizza!

Janne lifts a hand and his fingers glide into my hair. Raising my head, I reach for him and kiss him again. At the same time, I unbuckle his jeans and unzip him. “You have done this before?” Janne nods. “Good… me too…” I’m surprised that he lets me set the pace, but I’ll use that to my advantage. I get to my feet, remove his jeans, and arch an eyebrow at realizing he isn’t wearing underwear.

“Too restrictive,” Janne mutters: his breathing quickens.

My ministrations are getting to him – good. Taking him into my hand, I relish the moment of power. I’m in charge here and I can do whatever I want with my tramp.

“You like being in control, don’t you?”

Janne figured me out quickly. “You’re right… I like to make people feel good and I can do that best when I’m calling the shots…” I squeeze his erection lightly and stroke him into complete hardness. “Do you like me being in control?”

“Maybe,” Janne hints.

His eyes close and he concentrates on his breathing. He’s probably doing his best not to come right now. He looks hot that way and I can’t wait for us to have sex. “Just one moment…” My tongue wanders up to his ear, I flick it at his ear lobe, take it into my mouth and bite on it. Janne opens his eyes and looks at me in surprise. “Ah, now that I have your attention…” I release his erection, get to my feet, and quickly remove my shirt as well. I unbutton my jeans and step out of them. Contrary to Janne, I *am* wearing underwear – thankfully not the pink boxers Ville and Juha saw me in. Well, they were white once, but that damn red sock ruined everything.

Janne moistens his bottom lip and I can barely repress the urge to suck the tip of his tongue into my mouth. I need to lose my underwear first though. Finally naked, I straddle him again. He’s mine and I’m going to ravish him – he seems most willing to let me do so.

I reach for the condom and notice the way his eyes follow my every move. I rip the package apart, remove the condom, and cock my head, as if deciding what to do with it. I’m playing games though: I already know what I want from him. Moving away from him, I roll the condom down his erection. As I do so, I raise my head to see his reaction.

“Are you sure?” Janne asks again. “You can be on top if you want to.”

Janne’s fingertips gently stroke my face and for one moment, I feel like crying because I’m so damn happy. “I want it this way…” Janne nods again and cups my check in the palm of his hand. Rubbing his thumb against my cheek, he hums softly – a melody which I don’t know. I like the sound though. “I want you now…”

I’m horny and I don’t want to wait any longer. It looks like Janne is going to protest again, but I rest a finger across his lips. “Hush… I know what I’m doing.”

Janne rests his hand at the nape of my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. I claim his lips, and at the same time, lower myself onto his erection – slowly but determinedly. I know there will be some discomfort, but I also know it can deal with it and it’s not a big deal. My kisses grow more demanding and I press Janne against the back of the kitchen chair as I lower myself further onto him. I repress the discomfort, wrap my fingers around my erection, and pump firmly. Janne continues to kiss me, but once he figures out that I’m touching myself, he removes my hand and curls his fingers around my cock. Oh yes, that’s the way I like it!

Giving him a wicked look, I place my hands on his shoulders and ride him. Slowly at first, as I need to get used to feel of him. I regret letting go of his lips, but I need to concentrate. Moving on top of him, I concentrate on the pace in which he’s pumping me. Janne drives me out of my mind and there’s no way I can last much longer – especially when he keeps stroking me in that pace. Damn it, he’s good at giving hand jobs!

When Janne thrusts upward and sets his own pace, I’m lost. I let him move me and adjust to his slightly slower, but more intense pace. Oh yes, he’s good and hits the right spot with each thrust. “Janne… I…” Unable to fight back the pull, I climax, and explode all over his hand and abdomen. Janne continues to thrust though, but not for long. He throws back his head, moans from deep within his throat, and trembles against me. I collapse atop of him, wrap my arms around him for support, and hold on.

I lose track of time… But at one moment, Janne uses a finger to lift my head and smiles at me. His lips return to mine and our tongues twine in a sensual kiss. Now that the adrenaline rush is over, I realize that I *will* be in discomfort later, but hey, it was worth it. It was a wild ride.

“Arttu… we…”

I know what he wants to say and nod in advance. “Let’s be careful.”

Janne *is* careful when he pulls out and disposes of the condom. I get to my feet and realize I could have been a bit more careful. During the next few hours, each time I sit down, I will be reminded of the fact that I had sex. Sex in the kitchen… The thought makes me shake my head. Me and my ideas… why didn’t I go to the bedroom? But I like things to be a bit different. Normal is boring.

“Mind if I use the shower?” I feel sticky and sweaty all over.

“Why don’t we share the bath tub?”

Janne takes my hand in his and guides me into the bathroom. On our way there we pass by the puppies who have fallen asleep in the corridor – after eating one of Janne’s boots. My gaze shifts to Janne’s backside and my hand moves to his right buttock. I squeeze – hard.

“Hey!” Janne looks at me from over his shoulder and shakes his head. “Behave!”

“You’re telling an Aatamila to behave? Yeah right, like that will work!” Janne still needs to learn a few things about me and I will happily teach him. He tempts me again when he leans forward to turn open the tab. That man has a gorgeous ass. Walking up to him, I press my groin against his ass.

Janne looks at me once more and rolls his eyes. “Forget it, there’s no way you can get it up again.”

Unfortunately, he’s right. “Great ass though.” I want to slap his butt, but Janne catches my hand in mid-air. “Okay, I’ll behave,” I say in a pouting tone.

The bathtub has filled up half way and Janne steps into the water. It’s a good thing it’s a big tub. I follow his example, and after some wriggling, we both fit in there and are comfortable. Janne reaches for the bath oil and adds it to the water. A few seconds later, a layer of bubbles floats on the surface.

Janne takes great care to keep his hair dry and out of the water. I’m tempted to splash him, but then recall that I promised to behave. Instead, I lean back against the tub and enjoy the warm water cradling me. Janne stretches his legs at each side of me and I run my fingers across his calves. That gesture makes him look at me. I grin and incline my head. “Always expect the unexpected when dealing with an Aatamila.”

“I’m beginning to understand that… I like your unpredictability though.”

Yes, we *are* opposites and maybe that’s why we will work out. I will spice up his life and he will ground me. We might be good for each other.

“You know…” Janne starts in a slow voice. “This is the first time I had sex on my first date.”

“First? This was our second date!”

“No, yesterday was in order to thank you for babysitting the dogs.” Janne looks rather smug after saying that.

I’m not going to argue with him. “Okay, you put out on the first date then.”

“Normally I don’t…” Janne looks thoughtful when he adds, “I wonder where this will take us… You’re different, Arttu… You take what you want… You know what you want. I didn’t expect that.”

“You thought I would be shy and scream the moment you got out your cock?” Oh, I can be a little devil when I want to.

“Maybe…” Janne admits… “I’m in for some surprises, am I not?”

“I’m afraid so…” I move closer and manage to press a kiss onto his lips. “But I have the feeling you won’t mind.”

“You’re right,” Janne confirms. “I don’t mind one bit.”

TBC

Part 8

I wake up slowly – I must have been more tired than I thought. Opening my eyes, I focus on Juha to find out how he’s doing. He had a restless night. His nightmares returned and kept him from sleeping undisturbed. Each time he moved about restlessly, I did my best to comfort him. Hopefully the nightmares will grow less after he had surgery.

Juha’s eyes are open and he’s watching me. “Morning,” I whisper and stroke back his long hair. “You must feel tired… Why don’t you sleep some more?” But Juha shakes his head.

“I don’t want to sleep. It tires me – having these nightmares.”

“When do you have your next therapy session?” His councilor might help him find ways to deal more easily with the nightmares.

“Today at five PM.” Juha sits upright and draws in a deep breath. He lets his hair fall in front of his face so I can’t see his expression. “Sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth it.”

Alarmed, I sit up too. “What do you mean? If our relationship is worth it? I hope he’s talking about something different.

“The nightmares returned when I decided to have the reconstructive surgery. If that is the price I have to pay in order to be able to play the guitar again, I’m not sure it’s worth it.”

Even though Juha address a serious problem, I *am* relieved. I would have been shocked if he’d had second doubts about our relationship. I wrap an arm around him and pull him close. “We knew that this could happen. Juha, you can’t give up now. Even if you decide against surgery, the nightmares will surface again – maybe later in that case, but they will come back until you worked through everything that happened back then.”

“Maybe… but I’m not sure I can deal with the memories *right now*.”

I place the palm of my hand against his cheek and turn his face toward me. “You are stronger than you think…and should you fall, I will catch you and help you back on your feet again.”

“You’re sweet,” Juha says and thanks me with a smile. “I can only hope that you won’t tire of me when I need help all the time.”

“Oh, there will be rough spots, I’m realistic enough to know that, but we will get through them. You’re not someone who quits, you hear me? You’re a fighter! A survivor…”

Juha gives me the sweetest look ever, places the palms of his hands against my chest, and pushes me onto the mattress again. I wonder what he’s up to, but I’ll find out. His lips find mine and I open my mouth to let him in. I challenge him to chase me with his tongue and a wild dance starts. Raising my right hand, I bury my fingers in his luxurious hair. I deepen the kiss and am about to remove his shirt when my damn cell phone rings.

“Ignore it,” Juha suggests: he sounds rather breathless.

“I can’t…sorry… It might be Jonne…” I still wonder where Jonne and Eero disappeared to. My brother didn’t even leave me a note, which is very uncharacteristic for him.

“Go ahead and answer it,” Juha says, but I can tell that he’s annoyed.

I grab my phone, check the display, and nod. I was right then. “It’s Jonne.” I answer the call and want to lecture Jonne and disappearing on me, but he’s quicker.

“I’m so sorry, Ville! I didn’t do it on purpose! I was in a hurry and forgot to write you a note… And when I remembered, I wanted to send you a text message, but then Eepi got out of the shower and I had other things on my mind!”

“I was worried!” I’m not letting him off the hook that easily! “Where the hell are you anyway?”

“I took Eero to a holiday home in Kauppi… The place is great. It’s got everything – sauna, whirlpool, and lots of privacy! I had to make things up to him! I spent way too much time in the studio lately.”

“When will you be back?” I turn onto my side and give Juha an apologetic look. He smiles back at me, but I can tell he’s disappointed that we were interrupted. Hell, I feel the same way!

“Monday morning… “

“You have great timing, Jonne. That’s when I am taking Juha to the hospital… I guess, we can talk once I’m back, if you don’t need to go to studio, that is.” I’m a bit miffed about this – I can’t deny that.

“Sorry, that’s rotten timing indeed… Want me to come home tomorrow evening then?”

“No, stay there.” I don’t want to ruin their weekend. Jonne has been working hard and they deserve some alone-time. “But it would be nice if you were around on Monday. I’ll be a nervous wreck that day.” Especially when I have to leave Juha behind at the hospital.

“I will make sure I’m around. I promise.”

Jonne’s assurance satisfies me. “Okay, enjoy the rest of the weekend then and let me get back to my favorite redhead.” Juha blushes at hearing that and I grin.

“You do that… I will see you on Monday! Love you, Ville! Bye!”

“Bye, Jonne… Have a great time too.” I end the call, place the phone back onto the nightstand, and concentrate on Juha again. He’s obviously not in the mood anymore and I respect that. I shift closer, drape my arm across his hip, and rub the small of his back. “We still have a few more hours before you have to leave to have lunch with Jarmo. Why don’t I make breakfast and we start the day in bed?” It’s my peace offering for answering Jonne’s call. “You stay here and be lazy.”

Juha nods. “But don’t take too long. I don’t want to be without you.”

Ah, that’s cute and I have to kiss him. “I’ll be quick,” I promise. I jump out of the bed, march into the kitchen, and get out a tray. I put cereal into a bowl, add milk to the tray, and make coffee for me and tea for Juha. I add two glasses of orange juice and carry everything into the bedroom, praying that I won’t drop anything. “I hope you’re hungry!” I put the tray onto the bed, sit down, and move closer to Juha.

Juha presses a kiss onto my cheek and says, “I love you, Ville.”

I smile at him and hand him his tea. Juha puts it on the nightstand and eats his cereal first. I watch him the entire time: he arches an eyebrow when he feels my eyes upon him. “Sorry, I can’t take my eyes off of you.”

“I noticed that… I’m still not sure why though…” Juha puts the empty bowl onto the floor next to the bed and takes hold of his tea. As it is still too hot to drink, he settles for studying me in turn. “Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that I ever stayed at that clinic… You saved my life… Do you know that?”

I sip from my coffee and think over his question. “I was lucky that you let me in – that you liked me from the start.” My right hand searches out his knee and I squeeze gently. “But Juha… I felt like I had found the other half of my soul when I met you in that clinic. Everything felt right and you felt familiar. It’s like I had been waiting for you my entire life. Yes, that might sound corny, but that’s the way it is.”

“You sound like you’re going to propose,” Juha jokes.

“Don’t be surprised though if I do… Propose – one day.” The thought of making Juha mine forever is very tempting. “I would insist on a ceremony and rings.” I managed to surprise Juha, who’s staring at me. “I’m serious!”

“You’re mad… but I love you nonetheless.” Juha puts his tea aside and is about to move closer when the doorbell rings. He sighs overly dramatically. “The universe hates us today!”

“Ah well, we’re popular! People want to be around us. You know, I can pretend we’re not at home. We don’t have to answer the door.”

He considers my offer for a few seconds, but then shakes his head. “What if it’s Tommi or someone else we know? What if they find out we pretended we weren’t at home? No, we had better answer it – unfortunately.”

I happen to agree with Juha. “Finish your tea, will you? I’ll have a quick look at who it is and send them on their way again.” I would have preferred to stay in bed with Juha, but now I have to get up. I walk into the hallway and use the peeking hole to find out who it is. I roll my eyes and pray for patience. I should have known that Arttu would take revenge and drag me from my bed in turn. Opening the door, I try to look annoyed, but I’m not sure I can pull it off. I can’t be angry with Arttu.

“Hey, you’re at home after all! We were about to leave,” Arttu says. “Hey, Janne, wait! They’re at home!”

I arch an eyebrow at hearing that. Janne? A quick look tells me it’s Janne Selo all right and they brought the monsters. “Why did you have to bring them along?” I give Arttu another disapproving look. It’s only ten in the morning and it’s weekend!”

“You dragged me out of my bed too, remember? And Janne and I were walking the dogs so… We decided to visit. Do you have coffee?”

I’m tempted to take Arttu into a headlock and escort him to the elevator, but then Arttu, and Janne too, gives me such a hopeful look that I can’t send them away. “Okay, but you’re not staying for long. Coffee is in the kitchen and you know how to get there.”

To my horror, Janne removes the dogs from their leashes and they attack me at once. “Janne!”

“Sorry… but they like you and want to greet you!” Janne apologizes, but I don’t believe he’s sincere!

The monsters circle around me, bark, and try to jump up to my face. Thankfully they’re not full grown yet or they might succeed. “What kind of dog are they anyway, Janne?” I try to calm them down, but now that they’re getting attention they grow even more excited.

Arttu makes his way into the kitchen and Janne shrugs his shoulders. “At the shelter they told me that they’re a mixed breed. There’s Labrador and Retriever in them… The puppies were abandoned so the people at the shelter don’t know for sure.”

“You got them from the shelter?”

Janne also moves into the kitchen and I follow him. I am curious.

“Yes, I want them to have a second chance and a good life. Ah coffee!”

Arttu, who knows his way about the kitchen, took two mugs out of the cupboard, and fills them with coffee. He adds sugar and milk to his and hands Janne his coffee black.

“Where are the dogs?” They’re not with us and it’s awfully quiet at the moment.

Janne reacts instantly. “I don’t know, but I don’t trust the silence either…”

Janne leaves the kitchen to investigate and I’m tempted to join him, but then Arttu grabs me by the arm. “You said you would listen when I wanted to talk.”

Okay, that’s true… Ah hell, Janne can look after his dogs himself! I pull Arttu along to the kitchen table where we sit down. “So what’s up?”

Arttu takes a deep breath, stares into his mug, and then raises his gaze. “It’s Janne.”

Huh, what’s with Janne? “I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.”

“Remember that I told you that I was in love?”

I nod – I sure do. “You refused to tell me whom you’re in love with.” Suddenly, I get it and I stare at Arttu with big eyes. “Are you telling me that you’re in love with Janne?” Is that the reason they showed up together today?

Arttu nods and lowers his gaze again. “Yes, I’m in love with Janne.”

“And does Janne know about it?” I wonder what Arttu’s plans are.

“Yes, he does and he’s interested in me too… We’re dating…”

Arttu suddenly blushes to the roots of his hair and I know there’s more. “What did you do, Arttu? You can tell me. I promise to keep quiet!”

“You can tell Juha, but not Antti!”

I promise. “I won’t tell Antti… You can count on me! So Janne knows and he feels the same way? Wow, I never saw that one coming!”

“I have had a crush on Janne for over a year now, but I didn’t think I stood a chance… We found out that the attraction is mutual and yesterday we… I… You know what I’m like…”

Actually, I have no idea what’s Arttu is trying to tell me. “Yes, I know what you’re like, but your stuttering isn’t helping!”

“I had my way with him last night!” Arttu covers up his mouth as if startled that he actually said that. “We had sex,” he adds and lowers his hand again. “We both liked it.”

“You’re moving rather fast, but then again, this is you we’re discussing and this happening shouldn’t really surprise me. You’re not good at having to wait.”

Arttu nods. “I know that… But I had to have him, Ville. And he’s okay with it… We’re together, but we want to keep it quiet for a while.”

“So why did you tell me?”

“I had to talk to someone…” Arttu draws in a deep breath. “I want this to be a success, Ville. I’ll do whatever it takes to make Janne happy.”

“I know you will.” When Arttu loves, he loves unconditionally. “Does Janne know you told me or do I have to pretend ignorance?”

“Can you pretend you don’t know?”

“Sure, I can do that…” I give Arttu a reassuring smile. I hope things work out between my friends. I’m about to tell Arttu that when Janne suddenly pokes his head inside.

“Guys, you have to see this!” Janne announces and urges us to get our feet by beckoning us.

“What’s going on?” I rise from my chair and take Arttu’s arm so I can pull him along.

“It’s cute… But we have to be quiet!” Janne places a fingers against his lips, signaling us to stop talking.

Wondering what’s up, I follow Janne to my bedroom. Hold on, my bedroom?

“We wondered why the monsters were so quiet…” Janne whispers. “Look, there’s the answer!”

I peek around the corner and hope Juha doesn’t mind Janne spying on him. But my worries are laid to rest when I catch sight of a sleeping Juha. He’s on his side, half hugging my pillow and Tia curled up against his abdomen. Calypso curled up against Juha’s back and the three of them are asleep. Juha must have fallen asleep after I left and the monsters probably sneaked up on him. Janne is right though – this is adorable. “Do you have your mobile phone with you? Then we can take a picture,” I whisper at Janne.

Janne catches on, uncovers his phone, and takes aim. He takes a second picture just to make sure he has a good one and then gestures for us to leave the room again. I give Juha one last smile and close the door behind us. Let them sleep. Juha needs the rest after the unpleasant night he’s had and the dogs seem comfortable too.

“Juha looked tired,” Arttu remarks once we sit down at the kitchen table once more. This time Janne joins us after pouring himself some coffee.

“He had nightmares last night… It’s because of the surgery. They’re going to fix his hand.” Janne frowns and I recall that he doesn’t know what happened to Juha in the past. “He was attacked… Their attackers killed his boyfriend, Ahto, and assaulted Juha as well. They broke the fingers of his hand one by one.”

Janne’s face contorts. “That sounds painful.”

“And now they want to fix it?” Arttu asks. “Isn’t that a bit late?”

“Juha didn’t want to have the surgery at first… He’s still scared that having his fingers broken again might cause old memories to surface. He’s also scared of being a burden. It took me a while to convince him that I want to support him… Not because I feel the need to do so, but because I want to do it, because I love him.”

Janne nods to show his understanding. “Sounds like he went through some rough times.”

“That’s an understatement.” I reach for the coffee, pour myself another cup, and study Janne. So Arttu is in love with him and Janne returns his feelings? I would never have guessed. “Going through surgery and physical therapy will be hard on him, so I will dedicate myself to seeing him through that.”

“Juha’s lucky to have boyfriend like you,” Janne says and I know he means it. “With your help he will be just fine.”

“Thanks… but enough talk of this… What are you two up to? I didn’t expect you to show up together.”I direct my gaze at Janne as I am curious about his answer.

“As I said, we were walking the dogs and decided to drop by.”

I notice the way Janne looks at Arttu and I read the question he’s putting to the younger man in his eyes. Arttu nods, obviously feeling shy and I wonder about the silent communication. Sure, they’ve known each other for years, but they were never close friends… It’s amazing that they can communicate in this way already.

“I told him, sorry,” Arttu admits. “I had to get it out.”

“That’s okay,” Janne quickly says. “I would have been surprised if you had managed to keep it silent. I could tell that you needed to talk about what happened and that’s fine with me. At least Ville won’t run off to Antti to tell him, or will you, Wilma?”

Bah, why do they also use my nickname when they want to get their point across? “I’ll stay quiet if you stop calling me that.”

Janne nods. “Okay… I will remember that.”

Suddenly there’s noise in the corridor. “Sounds like the dogs woke up.”

“Or maybe Juha woke up and that in turn woke the monsters,” Janne says, adding his two cents.

Tia runs into the kitchen and over to Janne to be petted. He strokes her head and gives us an apologetic look. “They will slow down once they get older.”

“I hope so,” I reply and look up when a form fills the doorway. Juha woke up all right. His hair is a mess and he looks everything but rested.

“Ville, why are there dogs in our bed?”Juha is smiling though and he puts Calypso, who he had been carrying, onto the floor. She doesn’t want to leave his side though and tries to jump back into his arms. Juha makes it over to the kitchen counter, looks disappointed because I didn’t get his tea on yet, and then opts for coffee in the end. “I need something to keep me awake.” He sits down next to me and Calypso rests her head on his knee, looking at him, pleading with him to give her attention.

“There were dogs in your bed because Janne brought them here.” I lean in closer and press a kiss onto his cheek. Juha turns his head toward me and grins. “Did you manage to get more sleep?”

“At first, yes, but I woke up because someone was licking my face and it wasn’t you!” Juha sips from his coffee. “So why are you two here?” he asks Janne and Arttu.

“Just a little pay back for waking me that morning… and we were in the neighborhood,” Arttu explains. He looks a tad guilty though – maybe it’s because he knows how badly Juha slept.

Janne continues to pet Tia, as the stroking keeps her subdued. He looks at Arttu, then at Juha and me. “Arttu is bursting to tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone – yet.”

Juha narrows his eyes. “That the two of you had sex?”

Janne stares at Juha in surprise, tries to say something, and then looks at me again. Hell, I don’t know how Juha figured that out!

“It’s easy to see,” Juha continues. “Your eyes glow… You only get that after good sex…”

Arttu applauds Juha and inclines his head in respect. “You would make a great detective.”

Juha dismisses the comment by waving it away with his good hand. “I already had a feeling that something was fishy. You letting take over your life by those puppies must have had a reason and usually when you do something like that, it involves love.”

I look at my redhead with newfound respect. “I have to be careful around you. You read people too easily.”

Juha squeezes my fingers. “Don’t worry about it, Ville. I know you love me…and that’s why you’re together with me. There is no mystery there.”

Janne coughs in order to gain our attention and Juha and I look at him. “Yes, Janne?”

“Uniklubi has a gig tomorrow evening… I would love to have you guys there…”

It’s nice of Janne to invite us, but I’m not sure if we should accept. My gaze wanders to Juha’s face and I cock my head questioningly. “What do you think? Do you want to go? Or rather stay inside? Surgery will be the next morning.” It will be dark when we’re heading over there and when we will return home. It would be Juha’s first night out and he would face the darkness that scares him so much.

Juha averts his eyes and lifts his deformed hand. He stares at it for a long moment and I can only guess about what’s going on in his head. He wages war against his fears and memories and I don’t know if he’s strong to face them – especially now that the nightmares are back.

Calypso closes her eyes and enjoys Juha petting her. I hope that the dog has a calming effect on my redhead. Some people say that pets are beneficial to their owner’s health. Juha might not be the owner, but he is petting her. I wait for his answer and Janne and Arttu do the same, understanding why this is hard on Juha.

Juha draws in a deep breath, lifts his head, and to my surprise, nods. “We will be there.”

Juha impresses me. I didn’t think he would take that additional step right now. Not with so much going on his life.

“I’ll put you on the guest list… That way, you guys can watch from backstage… No screaming fangirls to harass you.”

“We appreciate that,” I tell Janne. Backstage is good. Juha looks a bit depressed and it’s time to cheer him up. “We can dress up,” I hint and wink at him.

“Dress up?” Tia lifts her head and hearing Juha’s changed intonation and wags her tail madly.

“Yes, dress up… Maybe some black leather for you?” Juha looks distracted – just what I want. “Ah well, we will find something for you to wear.”

“I still have some of my old stuff in the boxes…” Jarmo brought some moving boxes with him the other day and we put them in the basement for now.

“Sure, we will raid those.” I wink at Juha again. Leaning in closer, I whisper so only he can hear, “I’m so damn proud of you… Just wait and see, tomorrow evening will be a success.”

Juha however doesn’t seem a hundred percent convinced, but still nods his head. “I hope so too.”

TBC

Part 9

“You look great.”

Ville compliments me, but I’m not sure I feel great. It’s close to two years now that I last wore this outfit. I didn’t end up wearing black leather as Ville said, but I’m dressed in black after all. I found my old, comfortable jeans, my black T-shirt and my favorite black jacket with the metal clasps on it. The look fits me well, it always did, but I have to get used to wearing these clothes again. “It feels weird though.”

“You didn’t wear them for quite some time,” Ville says as he looks at me. “But it’s the perfect gig outfit.”

We’re going to see Uniklubi tonight and I’m nervous. Not because of the gig, but because we will be going there in the dark. Klubi isn’t that far away, maybe a ten minutes walk, but it still scares me. That’s why I called in reinforcements. I know that Ville would do anything to keep me safe, but I don’t want anything to happen to him either so I asked Jarmo if he would tag alone. I hope that my brother’s big and bulky posture will make possible attackers rethink their assault.

“Are you finally ready? Damn! I forgot how long you need in the bathroom!”

Jarmo’s remark makes me giggle and I peek at Ville to find out about his reaction – he’s giggling too. “He’s not made to be beauty queens like us,” I joke.

Ville chuckles softly but then grows serious again. “I know that you don’t like hearing it, but you *do* look beautiful tonight.”

He’s right: I don’t like hearing it, as I am still not used to receiving compliments all the time, and I blush – deeply.

“Are you ready to go?” Ville asks softly.

I draw in another deep breath and center myself. I told my therapist about my plans for tonight and we went through the steps to prepare me for venturing outside in the dark. It’s up to me now to make it work. I can do this – I have to do this! “I don’t think I will ever be really ready to do this… You’ll have to coax me, like you did that day when I left the clinic for the first time.”

Ville nods: he understands what he needs to do. “I won’t let you down.” Ville takes my crippled hand in his, pulls me close and kisses me. “You can do this. You can do this…” I smile, rather faintly, and allow him to pull me toward the doorway. “Remember that Jarmo and I are there for you every step of the way.” Ville’s eager to assure me that I’m fine and I desperately need to hear it. He’s right about that.

Jarmo’s already waiting for us and he extends his arm toward me. I take my brother’s hand and I need a moment to compose myself. Then I nod. We had better do this now our my courage might desert me.

Ville opens the door and we step into the corridor. “See? Jarmo and I will keep you safe.” I nod again. I’m impressed: Ville’s doing great – he knows exactly what to do and say. It’s amazing what love and support can do – I shouldn’t forget about the counseling though. It does me a world of good.

We ride the elevator to the ground floor, get out, and walk toward the exit. This is it. I look at the door and see the dark night out there. My hands feel sweaty and I tremble, but so far I have my emotions in check.

“You’re doing great,” Ville says and rubs the back of my hand.

I peek toward Jarmo. I’m happy that Jarmo is letting Ville take the lead – my brother probably understands that Ville knows how to handle the situation best. “I’m nervous…” I’m not scared exactly – I guess it helps that I have the two people at my side which I trust the most in the world.

“That’s okay. I would have been surprised if you weren’t.” Ville opens the door and the cold evening air flows inside. “We’re just stepping outside for a moment, okay?”

I can do this – I can do this… Drawing in a deep breath and holding onto it, I follow Ville and Jarmo outside. I squeeze their hands tightly and my breathing speeds up. I refuse to give in though. Ahto would want me to fight – I know that.

“That’s great, Juha… It really is. Now let’s head for Klubi. Remember, if you want to turn around and go home, we will do that. You’re in charge.”

Ville gives me an encouraging smile and God knows I need it. My steps falter when I follow them down the street. I would have run back home without their support, without them holding my hands. I scan my surroundings and notice everyone close to us. Some girls come towards us, a cyclist goes past them and there are two guys at the other side of the street. Okay, two guys… We could take them… It’s three of us!

“Try to relax…” Ville moves closer. “Everything is fine…”

That’s easy for him to say – to relax… How do I do that? We enter the tunnel running below the train station and that’s the moment I feared the most. I feel cornered: the noise of the cars comes straight at me and a cyclist rushes past us. I come to a halt and force myself to slow down my rapid breathing. My God, I feel trapped.

“Hey, I know this feels bad…”

Suddenly Ville’s arms come up around me and he hugs me tight. I cling to him. Jarmo doesn’t let go of my hand though – instead, he embraces me from behind. I feel horribly stupid for overreacting like this, but I can’t help it!

“Do you want to go home?”

I appreciate Ville asking me that, but no, I don’t want that. I want to conquer my fears. “I just need…a moment…” Recalling what my therapist taught me, I center my breathing, close my eyes, and focus on Ville. “Okay… let’s try again.” Jarmo gives me back my space and Ville also takes a step away from me. I straighten my shoulders, turn my head toward the end of the tunnel, and walk. My action surprises both Ville and Jarmo, who didn’t expect me to do that, but they catch on quickly and fall into step beside me.

We continue our walk in silence. I know they’re there though – we’re still holding hands and I can actually feel their body heat because they walk that close to me. I keep on going and don’t look right or left until we reach Klubi. I did it! I made it. We reached our goal.

“I’m so damn proud of you…” Jarmo says and he wraps his arms around me in a bear hug. I rest my head against his chest and smile. I only managed to do this because they supported me.

“We should go inside…”

Ville sounds unhappy and I wonder what’s up.

“Fangirls,” he explains and points them out to me. “I think they recognized me.”

As I want off the street as well, we quickly follow Ville to the backstage entrance. We step inside and Arttu promptly tackles us.

“There you are! You guys are late! The band’s going onstage in ten minutes!” Arttu complains.

“We’re right on time then,” Ville replies and pats Arttu on the shoulder. “You can be obnoxious when you’re in love.” Arttu blushes at hearing that, but doesn’t apologize. Instead, he takes hold of Ville’s arm and pulls him along. As Ville still holds onto my hand, and I’m holding Jarmo’s, the three of us move together.

“Janne, they’re late, but they’re here!” Arttu calls out and that makes Janne look up from his guitar. Janne smiles, gets to his feet, and hugs Ville and then me. He stops short at hugging Jarmo, whom he gives an odd look. “You look familiar.”

I smile at Janne: I can make myself useful for a change! “That’s my older brother, Jarmo.”

“Jarmo Kylmänen,” Jarmo says as he offers Janne his hand. Janne cocks his head, shakes it, and squints his eyes.

“Are you in a band?” Janne has a sneaky expression in his eyes, which makes me laugh.

“Eternal Tears of Sorrow – for now…” Jarmo replies.

“Ah…” Janne whistles through his teeth and his gaze shifts from Jarmo to me. “That Kylmänen family!”

Arttu gives Jarmo a puzzled look, but then he seems to recognize him too. “Wow…”

Jarmo merely smiles and waves their comments away. “I’m not *that* famous!”

“At least they recognize you…” I give Jarmo a mock pouting look.

“Ah you’re famous too,” Jarmo comforts me and gives me a hug.

Janne opens his mouth to say something, but then Jussi appears to chase him onto stage. “Will talk to you later,” Janne manages before his brother pulls him along.

Arttu however seems intrigued. “Are you in a band too?”

I’m not sure how to answer that. “I was in a band – not sure if Reflexion is still alive and kicking after all that time.”

“Reflexion,” Arttu repeats after me. “Sounds familiar…” He’s still thinking about the band when Uniklubi’s intro music sounds. Hearing that however makes Arttu march closer to the stage. He’s all smiles and he waves at Janne.

Ville folds me in his arms and I lean my back against his chest. “Arttu’s happy.”

“And so is Janne. I never expected them to end up together…”

“But if there’s love…”

“Yes,” Ville whispers…”With love, everything is possible.”

He presses a kiss into my neck and I turn my head to see what Jarmo’s doing. My brother seems to have disappeared though. “Where’s Jarmo?”

“He said he wanted beer so…”

I rest my head against Ville’s shoulder again. “I like their music.” I feel relaxed: I hadn’t thought I would, and strangely enough, the thought of going back home in the dark doesn’t scare me that much anymore. I will still feel uncomfortable, but I’ll manage and I have Ville to thank for that. “I love you…”

“Love you more,” Ville whispers into my ear. His hands slip beneath my jacket and his fingers twine in front of my abdomen. I feel safe… so very safe.

~~~

“I can do with some beer,” Janne tells Arttu when he exists the stage and heads backstage to shower. “Be a sweetheart and get me one?”

Arttu rolls his eyes, but then leaves to get Janne his beer. Ville pulls me onto his lap and I comply. The couch backstage is surprisingly comfortable. Suddenly someone sits down next to us and I quickly look up. I’m surprised to find that I actually know that face.

“I’m Teemu, remember me? We met the other day.”

Yes, that’s it. That was his name: Teemu. I smile shyly at him. He looks all sweaty and dead tired, but at the same time very happy. I still remember how it feels like, getting offstage right after a gig and know he’s high on adrenaline: he will remain so for some hours. “It was a great gig.”

“Thanks! It was okay, I think… I played better ones!” Teemu uses a towel to wipe away his sweat. “Are you sticking around for a beer? It’s been a while since I last talked to Ville and I would like to get to know you better, Juha.”

I turn my head toward Ville, who shrugs and then nods. “We can stay if you want, but we can also go home,” Ville says. “It’s up to you.”

I consider my options. Do I want to get to know Teemu better? Do I want to spend more time here? Oddly enough, I do. “We’ll stay a little longer then.” Ville appears surprised, but then smiles at me. I should tell him that he is in for some surprises: I’m starting to feel like myself again – even in spite of the nightmares – and now that I feel more confident, it’s easier to be *me* -- the person I was before the attack happened.

“Do you want something to drink too?” Arttu asks us while placing Janne’s beer on the table.

“Beer, of course!” Teemu replies.

“Just some water for me.” I’m not in the mood to drink. I want to remain clear-headed so I can enjoy my evening out.

“Make that two bottles of water,” Ville adds.

At hearing that, Teemu gives Ville an odd look. Ville however shrugs. “Come on, Teemu. You know that I have a drinking problem. I’m not going to risk what I have got by getting drunk. You know what I’m like when I’m drunk.”

“Silly,” Teemu says and nods, “and clumsy, but nothing bad.”

“Still, it was enough for me to end up in court and getting community service…” Ville looks at me and adds, “For which I’m eternally grateful, because I met you, but still… No alcohol for me.”

Arttu hands us the water bottles and I give both of them to Ville. “Can you open mine too?” I can’t really grip the cap and lack the power to open it. Ville opens the bottle for me and I drink from it.

“Damn Janne for stealing into the shower first… Jussi is already pissed about that and it won’t be my turn until he has finished and we all know that Jussi needs hours in the bathroom,” Teemu complains.

“Could be worse,” Ville hints. Teemu looks up, frowns at him, and then Ville adds, “It could be Jonne or Chris in there!”

Teemu laughs and nods. “You’re right about that! So how is your brother doing these days, Ville? Is he still together with Eero? I was stunned to hear that they are together!”

Ville sips from his water bottle and nods. “They’re happy together. They’re away for the weekend, but I expect them back tomorrow.”

Teemu shakes his head. “I wonder what they put into the air around here… First it’s Jonne and Eero… then you hook up with Juha here and now Janne’s in love too!”

A sly expression appears on Ville’s face. “Do you know whom he’s in love with?”

“I’m not sure, but it might be Arttu… Antti isn’t going to believe any of it!” Teemu shakes his head again. “Poor Janne… Arttu will drive him mad!”

I laugh softly. “You don’t seem worried about them being together.”

“Why would I? Let live and love, I always say. Love is wonderful…” Teemu sips some more from his beer and scans his surroundings. “Ah, there’s Jussi… Sorry, but I need to beat him to the shower the moment Janne leaves it. See you later, guys!” Teemu gets to his feet, waves at us, and marches off.

“I like your friends,” I tell Ville. “They have a wonderful sense of humor.”

“Just wait until you meet Antti. Let’s see if you will say that of him as well!”

Ville lifts his right hand and caresses my face. I close my eyes and lean into his touch. “Tomorrow will be hard on both of us.” I know that the change in subject is sudden, but I need to talk about it. “Will you visit me in the evening?”

“Sure… I’ll take you to the hospital in the morning, and if you’re doing well enough to have visitors, I will visit you in the evening.”

I raise my good hand in turn and stroke his face. “Ville, I… I want to make love with you tonight.” I have been thinking about this for a while now and I feel ready. I want to do this before heading into the hospital.

Ville’s eyes widen.“That’s sudden…”

“I know it seems that way, but I’ve been thinking about it for days… I want it to be tonight because I’m going to the hospital in the morning. I need a special memory to get me through tomorrow. Please, Ville…or are you going to make me beg?”

“No, I will never make you beg… I didn’t expect it though…”

“You’re worried, why?”

“I didn’t think you would want to make love so soon… You took me by surprise…”

I think I need to explain something important to him before we go any further. I don’t want him to have misconceptions about me. “Ville, listen to me…” I place my hands on either side of his head. “I’m not a virgin. I’m an experienced lover. Yes, I was attacked, and yes, I lost Ahto, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be intimate with you. I need to be intimate in that way – with you. Yes, I needed time to get used to the changes in my life, but I’m coping and I hope you see the change in me too.”

“I do… I do…” Ville whispers. “But I worried that it was just an act – that you were trying to hide your fears.”

“Ville, I’m scared of some things, like surgery tomorrow, but I’m not afraid of having sex with you…” I hope I managed to convince that I’m sincere and am doing this for the right reasons. “I want to show you how much I love you. I want to express the feelings I have for you. I want to love and be loved.” Ville swallows hard: his nervousness surprises me. “Why don’t you tell me what this is really about?” I’m getting the feeling that this is not about me but about him!

“You might have lots of experience, but I don’t…” Ville turns a deep shade of red. “I had a boyfriend, but we never went all the way… We stuck to hand jobs and oral sex…”

I blink – I didn’t expect that. Ville never showed any nervousness in bed and I assumed he had ample of experience. “That’s not a problem… It’s not… I can teach you… We will go slowly.” I never thought that Ville might have such little experience in bed. It never showed. Another question arises. “But you *did* have sex with girls?”

Ville quickly nods his head. “Of course… but it’s different with a guy.”

Suddenly I get his problem. “Because you will be on the bottom? Ville, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can be on top.”

Ville coughs as if to cover up for feeling nervous, lowers his gaze, and whispers: ”But I want to be on the bottom. I want to know what that is like.”

“Ah…” I need a moment to absorb everything he told me. “So no sex tonight…”

“I don’t think I’m ready yet for that step…” Ville confirms. “Sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize…” I kiss his lips and pull him into an embrace. “It’s odd… I always assumed you would jump at the chance of having sex with me… I never thought you would be shy about it. It’s cute, though.”

Ville raises his head and glares at me. “I’m not cute!”

“Oh, but Ville, you are!” I press him tightly against me and smile. It looks like I will get the chance to pay Ville back for his support and kindness. I never thought though that I would be doing it between the sheets!

~~~

“Ville, I want to go home.” It’s midnight and although that seems early to leave Uniklubi’s little party, I want to go. I have surgery tomorrow and don’t want to be tired tomorrow.

“Sure, that’s okay…” Ville puts down his bottled water, gets to his feet and stretches. “Okay, guys, we’re leaving. Have a great party tonight!”

Arttu, Teemu and Janne protest Ville’s announcement, but luckily for me, not too firmly. I rise from the sofa and am secretly glad to have my personal space back. Arttu’s brother, Antti, showed up during the evening and he had to squeeze in-between Arttu and me. “We’ll repeat tonight,” I promise in order to make up for our early departure. “In a few weeks.”

Ville takes my good hand in his and we head for the exit of the backstage area. I’m stunned to find out about the fangirls standing there. “What are they doing here?”

“Hoping for Jussi to come out so they can get some pictures and autographs,” Ville explains to me. “But Jussi is staying inside. He’s shy and I would be surprised to see him come out here… Well, maybe if the other guys tag along.”

“The Uniklubi guys seem nice.” I use the cover of my hair to hide my face. I doubt any of these girls knows Reflexion, or me, but I’m not taking chances. Villes does the same thing and he hides in his hood.

“They *are* nice…” Ville giggles now that we’re out of hearing range. “It will be interesting to see Arttu trying to hide the fact that he had sex with Janne from Antti.”

“Why doesn’t he want his brother to know?”

“Antti can be rather protective of Arttu… Like Jarmo is protective of you… Speaking of Jarmo… where did he go?”

“He told me he was heading for the hotel after the gig ended. He looked tired to me…” I try to ignore the fact that the night is really dark now and that it’s just the two of us. There are still a lot of people about and I hope no one will try anything with such an audience.

“You did great tonight.” Ville smiles and nods repeatedly. “Are you scared right now?”

“A little,” I admit, “But I manage… I try to stop my thoughts whenever they want to remind me of what happened in Helsinki. So far it works – kind of.” Thankfully we’re home again and Ville unlocks the door to the main entrance. We ride the elevator up to the correct floor and get off. Once we’re inside our apartment, I remove my shoes and shrug out of my jacket. “I’m really tired,” I admit.

“Then it’s off to bed with you!” Ville gives me a playful slap on the butt. “You can have the bathroom first.”

I look Ville in the eye and lift his hand until it rests against my chest. “You don’t need to stay out of the bathroom on my account. As I said… I might have certain problems, but I’m not ashamed of my body or of sharing it.” Amused, I notice that I did it again – poor Ville blushes.

“Are you sure about that? It’s strange to know you think like that now… When we met…”

I cut Ville short. “When we met I was a nutcase. It took your love and support to help to draw me from the dark place I had locked myself up in. With your help, and my councilor’s, I accepted that Ahto is dead. I have let go – part of him, that is. We can never be together again – I accept that. Ahto is dead – I accept that. Ahto would want me to go on living and to try again – to love again – I accept that… Now you need to accept that I have changed. I still need you, Ville, your love and support, but I don’t have any issues when it comes down to what happens between the sheets. Do you?”

Ville draws in a deep breath and slowly releases it again. “I feel insecure,” he admits. “I don’t have that much experience and I’m scared I’ll disappoint you.”

“Ville, whatever happens in bed, or on the kitchen table, or in the bathroom,” I say, hoping to make him smile – and it works, Ville chuckles softly. “Nothing you do will disappoint me. *You* are important to me, not your achievements in bed.” Ville’s smile becomes more genuine and that makes me hope that I said the right things. “Come here and give me a kiss.”

Ville wraps his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. Welcoming that reaction I grin into my smile. “Hum, demanding all of a sudden?” Ville’s eyes smile with happiness and it’s good to see that emotion there.

“Looks like I ended up with a wildcat in my bed… I didn’t expect that.”

“Oh yes, a very wild cat…” I lick up his throat and catch Ville shiver. “You have no idea how wild…” I kiss him on the lips and tug at his bottom lip before releasing them from my hold. “You will find out, but not tonight…”

Ville nods. “Yes, we should go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow will be a long and exhausting day.”

I love the way he rubs my back in soothing circles and I press close against him. I don’t like thinking about tomorrow either, but surgery serves a purpose and I have to keep in control of my emotions. I can do this… I want to do this… I *will* do this – for my sake and Ville’s.

TBC

Part 10

I’m not sure I can do this and so I flee into the restroom. Antti has been giving me looks ever since he joined the party. My hands itch to pull Janne close, to kiss him, and have my way with him again, but I have to control myself as I don’t want Antti to find out yet. I don’t think he will object to me taking Janne as a boyfriend, but with Antti you never know!

I place my hands against the tilled wall and draw in some deep breaths. I really, really don’t want to tell Antti, but chances are that he will figure out what has happened by himself… or that some idiot like Teemu will tell him. I bow my head and sigh. Who am I kidding? Teemu told Antti of course… There’s no way Teemu can keep something like that to himself.

The restroom’s door opens and I know who entered without looking up. It’s Antti. I have always been able to tell when he’s close. Gathering my wits – and courage -- I lift my head and turn around to face him. It’s Antti all right and he’s giving me the oddest look ever. “What’s up?” I need another moment to figure out how to act – what to say and do.

Antti cocks his head and the movement makes his dreads dance in front of his face. He swipes them back and I know I’m in trouble when he narrows his eyes. I’m not sure he knows about Janne and me, but he does know that *something* is going on and that I kept him in the dark.

“You tell me,” Antti says and leans against the wall. “I have the feeling that my little brother is keeping secrets.”

I swallow hard. What do I? Do I take a chance and tell him and hope he won’t ridicule or lecture me? Antti and Janne are good friends and I don’t want to endanger that friendship in any way. “Do you really want to hear what I have to tell you?”

“Arttu, whatever is going on, you’re probably overreacting. Don’t make this into a drama.”

I shrug – I can be a drama queen if I want to. “It has something to do with Janne.” I keep a close eye on Antti, to see what his reactions are like.

“That doesn’t surprise me…” Antti’s expression changes and it becomes serious. “I have heard rumors.”

This is it. I have to tell him now. “Janne and I… We’re together… It happened a few days ago… You know that I had a crush on someone for a year now…”

Antti nods. “But you never told me the person’s name… So, it’s Janne…” Antti looks thoughtful. “Janne is a good choice, I’ll give you that, but are you sure about him? He’s older and at a different point in his life… And then there’s the ex-wife and his little daughter.”

“We’ll be discrete!” I glare at Antti. “You should know me better than that, *brother*. I would never get into the way. I want Janne to be a good father and to take care of them. He loves his daughter and still cares about his ex-wife. I’m okay with that. I rather have that than some bastard who turns his back on them and leaves them to fend for themselves!”

“Okay, if you’re sure about him…” Antti shrugs again. “So did you guys already do it? I know you – you don’t have any patience at all…”

“Antti, you’re my brother and I love you, but I’m not giving you details about our lovemaking!” Oops… too late I realize that I gave myself away by saying that.

“Ah you already ravished him!” Antti looks at me in a triumphant way. “I had a fling with Teemu once…” he suddenly says.

I stare at Antti in surprise. “And why do I need to know that?”

“Because I also wondered what Janne is like in bed… All soft and easily maneuverable I guess.”

“That’s none of your fucking business. Janne is mine! You had better remember that!” In my heart I know that Antti merely teases me, but I might be overly sensitive where Janne is concerned. “Keep up that kind of behavior and I’ll let out the drama queen!”

“Oh have mercy! I’ll behave!” Antti laughs and walks towards me. “Come here, Arttu…” He opens his arms and I go into them. Antti hugs me tight and I smile against his shoulder. It’s good to know that, although Antti will tease and harass me for the rest of my life, he will also back me up and support me.

~~~

Antti loops his arm with mine and walks me back to the couch where Janne and Teemu sit. Both men give me a curious look, but I can tell that Janne is also worried. They’re smart enough to know why Antti followed me into the restroom. “Antti knows…” I collapse onto the couch and squeeze in between Janne and Teemu. I turn slightly, rest my head against Janne’s shoulder, and collect his hand in my lap. “He’s okay with it.”

Janne looks at Antti and gives him a questioning look. Antti shrugs and then nods. “It’s Arttu’s decision whom he wants to be with and I rather have you as his boyfriend than some mindless, dim-witted idiot.”

Janne looks relieved at hearing that. “It’s rather new.”

Antti nods again. “Arttu told me…”

“And you’re okay with it?”

“Yes, as I said earlier, at least I know you’ll be good to my baby brother.” Antti grins wickedly.

I hate being called that and Antti knows it. “I’m not a baby!”

“ Of course you’re not!” Janne puts his arm around me and kisses me on the check. “So, now everyone knows that we’re together.”

Jussi, who opted to sit in the darkest corner of the room, looks up. “What? Arttu and you?”

Janne nods and gives his younger brother a thoughtful look. “Don’t tell me I surprised you.”

“Well, you did!” Jussi rolls his eyes. “You could have told me earlier!” Jussi pouts. “We’re brothers after all!”

“Don’t feel bad!” Antti walks over to Jussi and sits down on the arm rest. “Arttu didn’t tell me either until just now.”

Jussi however continues to pout. “I don’t care… Janne should have told me first.” Janne grabs a pillow and aims it at Jussi. It hits Jussi in the chest. “Bah, brothers,” Jussi says, but a smile steals onto his face. “Such a nuiscance!” Jussi flings the pillow back, but hits *me* instead of Janne!

“Baby brothers especially,” Janne counters. The two of them laugh and I decide to let the matter be – I won’t be childish and throw the pillow back at Jussi, but I might have some revenge when he least expects it!

~~~

One hour after Ville and Juha left, Janne and I leave for home too. I put my arm around his waist and Janne does the same. The street is surprisingly busy for this hour, but then again, Tampere seldom sleeps. “It was a good evening, don’t you think so? Both Antti and Jussi reacted well to the news.”

Janne nods and pulls me even closer. “I didn’t think they would object… Jussi might pout for a while because he won’t get as much attention as he has become used to, but he can always borrow the monsters. That way, he has company.“

“Is Jussi lonely then?” I didn’t know that.

“Sometimes… but that’s Jussi’s nature. In a way, he hates and loves being alone. It’s when he writes his best songs… The drawback is that he can become obsessive about his songs… Then I usually drag his ass out of the apartment.”

“You can still do that. You don’t need to change because of me.”

“Don’t worry… I don’t plan on changing – not for you at least… You love me the way I am, don’t you?”

I arch an eyebrow at hearing Janne’s smug tone. We have only been together for a few days, but he already feels very confident in the relationship. I guess that is a good thing. I stop him in his tracks and Janne turns toward me once he’s standing still. “Yeah, I do…”

Janne pulls me closely against him and kisses me. I indulge him for a moment, but then pull back. “You *do* know that we’re on the street, don’t you? Lots of people see us.”

Janne shrugs. “I don’t mind… Our relationship isn’t a secret.”

Oh, that man sounds so very sure of himself and it actually turns me on. Janne is quite different from the other boys I dated. They were shy and often insecure – Janne isn’t. Janne knows he’s a good catch. “You’re right…” I start to walk again and Janne falls into step beside me. “Your place or mine?” I ask Janne and wiggle an eyebrow.

“Mine… I need to look after the dogs… I hope they behaved.”

“You left them alone?” Oh my God, they will have wrecked the place!

“I didn’t have a sitter… You were at the gig and Jussi too!“

Playfully, I flip his head. Although he releases an ‘ouch’ he can’t have possible felt that with that thick hair of his and the bandana he’s wearing. “Want me to stay the night?”

Janne looks at me in surprise. “Of course, what do you think?”

Argh, that man is too confident for his own good! “Okay, I’ll grab some stuff from my apartment and I will join you in yours.” Janne nods and remains silent, apparently pleased with the way the evening ends.

~~~

While Janne quickly walks the dogs – at two AM, that man is insane! – I crawl into bed. Janne’s bed is king-size, has a soft mattress and satin sheets. I rub my back against the soft material and purr in delight. I have the feeling I will spend many nights here!

Noise coming from the hallway tells me that Janne and the monsters are back. I peek at the doorway but, to my surprise, the monsters don’t appear. What’s up? Instead, Janne enters the bedroom on his own. “Where are the monsters?”

“They have a new favorite spot where they sleep… The couch… It won’t last the whole night though. They’ll sneak in when we’re asleep, but at least right now, we have some privacy!“ Janne moves into the bathroom and returns a few minutes later – butt naked.

“Ah, what are you doing to me?” The mere sight of him makes me hard and I try to fight down the arousal.

“Like anything you see?” Janne is back to being his smug self. He spins around for my viewing pleasure and then gets between the sheet. “ Want to have sex?” He wiggles an eyebrow.

“You got condoms?” Does he really think he has to ask me if I want to have sex? Of course I want to have sex! I want him to nail me to the bed! Janne inclines his head to the nightstand and I open the drawer – bingo! “A quickie?”

“Sure, why not…” Janne stretches lazily. “Hand me one of those, will you?”

Quivers move through my body as I wonder what he is up to. I open a package and hand him the condom. Janne takes hold of it, turns his head to look at me and grins. Fuck, that grin makes me rock hard!

“Turn around, Spiky…”

Spiky? Did he really call me Spiky? Offended, I glare at him.

“Come on, Arttu… you got spiky hair… What do you want to me call you? Sugar? Sweetlips?”

“Please don’t… then I rather have Spiky!” Janne pushes the sheet out of the way and rolls the condom down his cock. I have to be careful not to drool at the mere sight of him – aroused and hard. Oh, I want him. He told me to move, didn’t he? Trembling with lust, I turn onto my stomach and reach for the bars that make up the head end of Janne’s bed. I curl my fingers around the metal and close my eyes. “Get started, Jack.”

“Jack?”

Janne straddles my lower back and kisses himself a way down my spine. That’s nice – maybe this will turn into more than a quickie! “Yes, Captain Jack Sparrow.”

“Ah, you’re into role-playing?”

Janne’s lips attach themselves to my neck, and after sucking the skin there, the tip of his tongue travels lower. I hope he doesn’t expect me to answer, because I’m quickly losing my mind. “Fuck me…”

“Impatient?”

“If you don’t fuck me right now then…”

“Then what?”

I don’t get a chance to tell him because he starts to sheath himself inside me. It’s a good thing these condoms come with lube. I’m relaxed, but the penetration is rather sudden. I bite into the sheet and lift my ass in the hope he will ease in easier. It works. A moment later, Janne is locked inside me and I need a moment to gather my breath. Damn, that’s intense – to feel him like that.

“Not so impatient now,” Janne whispers: his lips are close to my ear and he makes me carry his weight for a moment. “How does that feel? Like it?”

Oh yes, I like it, but please don’t ask me to talk right now. I manage a raw groan though – that should tell Janne to get moving.

“You’re tight… I love it…” Janne takes my earlobe between his teeth: first he only sucks on it, but then he bites into it. Lightly, but enough to make me squirm. “What do you want?”

“Fuck me… hard!” I can’t stand the wait any longer. If he doesn’t start moving, I will act and flip him onto his stomach and give him the ride of his life! “Damn it, Janne, do something!”

“Remember you asked for it…”

Janne finally starts to move. Much to my horror, he starts to pull out, and I’m about to protest, when he thrusts again. He hits the right spot and I scream into the pillow to muffle the sound. Yes, like that… “Again!”

“You’re not acting like a lady now…”

Damn Janne and his teasing! “Janne, I am…” His next thrust makes me shut up, but not for long. This time, he’s moving for earnest and he sets a fast and deep pace which makes me scream into the pillow again. I’ll will be so damn sore in the morning, but who cares! I push back to meet his next thrust and manage to lift myself slightly so I can touch myself. I wrap my fingers around my cock and pump in the same rhythm Janne’s thrusting. “Fuck yes!”

I try to give as good as I get and meet his thrusts, but then he speeds up again – just when I thought he would come – and gives me the pounding I asked for. I can’t keep back any longer and the heat that started in the pit of my stomach explodes into every cell of my being. I climax and collapse onto my stomach, taking Janne down with me. I can’t believe he’s still going at it… I surely underestimated his stamina. Suddenly Janne freezes, groans my name, and buries himself deeply in my body. I have to see his face and look at him from over my shoulder. His eyes are closed, but his lips move, and he whispers my name. Janne’s fingers travel down my back and caress my skin.

He pulls out, carefully, and drops onto his side next to me. He’s breathing heavily and his brow is covered in sweat. Although he looks pleased, I also see a hint of insecurity in his eyes. He doesn’t need to feel insecure though. He disposes of the condom and I inch closer to curl myself around him. “I loved it…” I purr, bat my eye lashes at him, and kiss him on the lips. Janne starts to smile while kissing me and rolls me atop of him.

“Think you can get it up again?”

I blink at hearing Janne’s question. “I don’t think so… You nailed me really well.”

“Pity…”

Janne parts his legs and I move right in-between them. It’s a hot, very interesting and tempting place to be, but there is no way I can fuck him now. “Maybe in the morning?”

“I will keep you to that…”

Janne licks along my jaw line and then giggles into my ear. “We should clean up.”

He’s right, but I’m too lazy to move. “Just five more minutes… You make a great pillow.” Janne brings his hands up behind my back and holds me close… Damn, I love everything about that man…fucking everything!

~~~

Something warm makes me pull away my foot. I suspect it’s one of the monsters, licking it, but when I open my eyes, I realize they’re not in the bedroom. But Janne is and I remember the promise I made last night.

After we had sex, we cleaned up, and went to back to bed. I fell asleep draped across him and Janne doen’t seem to mind me using him as a mattress. I’m still in that position – on top of him and resting comfortably between his legs. I should put this to good use and I exactly know what I will do. Janne will get what he wished for – and maybe more. The condoms are still on the nightstand and I open another package. We will need to buy new ones if we keep going at it at this pace!

I’m not the only one sporting a morning erection, even in spite of last night’s work out. Janne’s hard too. Perfect… I check if there are no dogs about one last time, and once I am reassured, I start to carry out my plan… I move lower down Janne’s body, part his legs just a little more so I have easier access, and wrap my fingers around his cock. That should wake him!

And yes, Janne’s eyes open once I complete my first stroke and he looks at me in surprise. “You wanted me to fuck you, remember?” I cock my head and grin diabolically. Realization dawns in his eyes once he realizes the position he’s in and then a lazy expression surfaces on his face.

“Sure, I remember… Think you’re up for the job?”

That’s damn cocky of him! “I’ll show you….” I release his cock, place my hands on his chest, and enter him – slowly, agonizingly slowly. Janne closes his eyes, throws back his head, and claws at the mattress beneath him. Let’s see if he remains that cocky! I slide inside inch by inch until I possess him completely. “You’re at my mercy now, pirate.”

Janne opens his eyes and looks right through me. “What, I’m no longer your tramp?”

“Still cocky, aren’t you?” Looks like I have to teach him manners! I thrust, maybe a bit too firmly, but Janne doesn’t protest. “Do you like that? Do you?” I thrust again and finally hit the right spot. Janne looks at me, arches his back and I relish seeing the lust in his eyes. “You do… You are a tramp!” I chuckle, but then grow serious as I have to concentrate on hitting the right spot again. Now that I have established my rhythm, I lift his right leg and place it over my shoulder. Janne’s lips part in order to release a moan and I enjoy the view, watching me drive myself home into his body. “You’re fucking hot…”

I’m surprised that I didn’t come yet… I’m horny and the mere idea of fucking Janne should be enough to make me come… Maybe it’s because I came last night… I don’t know why, but I last longer than I normally would. This time it’s Janne who climaxes first and I wrap my fingers around his hand while he milks the last drops from his cock. “Yes… that’s it…” I lean in closer, claim his lips, and allow my orgasm to take me. I drape myself over Janne once more and rub my chest against his. “Love you…”

Janne’s arm comes up behind me and he pulls me against him. We kiss again – slowly and sensually this time. I caress his face and smile at him. We fit – we fit perfectly in every possible way. “Thank you for that.”

Janne’s smile brightens. “Hey, I wanted it too, remember?”

“I love it that you’re flexible…that you’re not stuck on one role…”

“Oh, I like it both, being on top but also on the bottom, so…we’re good.”

Janne’s fingers move through my hair and the expression in his eyes makes me swallow hard. I feel emotional all of a sudden. I guess it finally hit me that this is for real.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Janne sounds alarmed.

A tear glides down my cheek and Janne catches it on a fingertip. I don’t want to worry and quickly explain. “I’m happy, Janne… so damn happy.” Janne seems reassured and smiles.

“Why don’t you stay in bed? I will walk the monsters, which behaved well last night, and make breakfast.”

“You’re spoiling me.” I don’t want to let go of my giant pillow though…

“That’s my job now – to spoil you…”

Janne presses a kiss onto my brow, smiles warmly, and rolls me onto my back. “Take a hot bath…”

“Maybe… “ I don’t think I’m that sore. “Hurry, will you? I miss you already!”

Janne chuckles, pats my hair, and leaves the bed. Damn, now I lost my pillow!

TBC

Part 11

I don’t know who is more nervous – Juha or me. I expected Juha to panic through the whole morning, but he’s calm, where I am pacing and ready to pull my hair out – if I had longer hair! “How can you be that calm?” Juha is in the process of packing his overnight bag, but now he looks at me.

“It’s odd… I know that… I think I accepted that this is going to happen and that I have little control in the matter. I have to trust the surgeon and his team to make it work.”

“You’re amazing.” The changes Juha is going through leave me astonished. I didn’t think he would find his inner balance so quickly, but he did. “Let me hold you though? Even if you’re calm, I’m ready to climb the walls.” Instead of Juha waiting for me to put my arms around him, he walks over to me and enfolds me in a hug of his own. I rest my head against his shoulder and enjoy the moment. I hate the fact that Juha has to stay at the hospital overnight, but if everything goes well, I can collect him tomorrow morning.

“Care to tell me what worries you the most?” Juha sits down on the bed and pulls me along. “I know you, Ville. Something is on your mind. Is it the surgery?”

The way Juha handles the situation amazes me. It should be me comforting him, but instead, Juha tries to calm me down! “It’s not that part.. Nor does it bug me that you’ll need help afterwards…”

“Then what is it?” Juha looks puzzled.

“You don’t react well to the anesthesia, do you?” I recall the surgeon emphasizing that.

“Ah…” Juha nods and rubs my fingers soothingly. “You’re right… I didn’t react well in the past, but it’s not a risk. I will be drowsier… It will take me longer to recover from it… I might throw up during the first few days, but it’s nothing big.”

Nothing big, he calls it. Juha, you changed… What happened to the scared person who didn’t to leave his room at the clinic?

Juha smiles. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s still me. I just managed to accept some things… My therapist and I have been working on acceptance and something inside me just clicked into place.” Then a dark shadow appears in his eyes. “Or don’t you like me like this?”

“No!” How can he think that? I love the fact that his personality changes – it feels like I have a partner instead of someone I have to take care of. “That’s not it. I only need a little time to get used to the changed dynamics. I became used to taking care of you, and look at you now – here, you are, comforting me instead!”

“Oh, Ville…” Juha wraps his arms around me and I complete the embrace by putting my arms around him in turn. “You’re strong all the time and I don’t mind being the strong one right now. It must be scary for you to take me to hospital and leave me there. You can do nothing to help me.”

“Yes, that’s it. I feel helpless!” I nod repeatedly at Juha. “I’m not used to feeling like that where you are concerned.” Juha hugs me again and rubs my back.

Suddenly the front door opens and falls into the lock again. Frowning, I look at the doorway. “Jonne said he would return Monday morning, but I didn’t know he would be this early.”

“Ville? Juha?”

I blink. That’s not Jonne’s voice. “That’s Tommi!”

“And Jarmo certainly tagged along,” Juha adds. He draws in a deep breath and looks me in the eye. “We can do this, remember? *You* can do this!”

His choice of words makes me smile. I lost track of the number of times I told him that. “Yes, we can do this.”

“Guys, where are you?” Jarmo calls out.

Our privacy has ended and we had better call them into the bedroom. I don’t want an angry Tommi on my hands, but then again, why is he here in the first place? “We’re in my bedroom!”

“Did you ask them to drop by?” Juha wants to know – he looks puzzled too.

I shake my head. “I told them when we would head for the hospital, but that’s about it.” It’s a good thing though that they are here—it takes the pressure off of me. If I can’t handle the situation, I can lean on Tommi and Jarmo. “Do you mind?”

“No, I don’t… It’s actually nice to see Jarmo one more time… He’s heading home tomorrow.”

Tommi and Jarmo enter the bedroom and head for the bed. “Ah, there you are,” Tommi says and waves his finger at me. “Thought you could give us the slip, didn’t you?”

Juha smiles at the two men. “What are you doing here in the first place? We didn’t expect you.”

“You don’t think we’re letting you do this alone?” Tommi replies. “We’ll drive you to the hospital, and don’t worry, yes, you will get your privacy… But we also thought it would be a good thing if Ville wasn’t alone today… So we’ll stay and harass him.”

I sigh. “And Jonne promised to show up later as well…” I won’t get a moment’s peace with them hovering over me.

“Ah, admit it, you like having us around!” Tommi moves over to the bed and tries to ruffle my short hair. “Damn, grow it long again, will you?”

Not just to please him – hell no. “We need to get going.” I get to my feet. Juha’s good hand rests in mine and he rises from the bed too. “Nervous?”

“A little bit,” Juha admits. “But I can handle.”

“All right… let’s do this!” Jarmo says and moves to the doorway.

“Yes, let’s do this…” Looking at Juha, I hope everything will go well. The mere thought of having to go to sleep without him at my side almost makes my stomach turn. I repeat Juha’s mantra though -- I can do this.

~~~

I hate the fact that I have to leave Juha behind and that I can’t stay with him until they start operating on him. But the surgeon was very clear that they have to prepare Juha and they also want to take some last moment’s x-rays. We talked about Juha maybe not dealing that well with the anesthesia and the surgeon promised to call me once he knows how Juha reacted to it. Suddenly everything is very real – I have to leave him behind and I don’t want to.

“Ville, you have to go now…”

Juha’s braver than I am. “I don’t want to go.” Juha embraces me and I cling to him. “I know that this is necessary, but I still don’t like the fact that I have to leave you alone.”

“Ville, don’t make this so damn hard, please. It’s not easy on me either and I’m fighting not to fall apart.”

The expression in his eyes tells me that he’s honest – Juha is going through a rough time too, and if he can be brave, I will find the courage to do the same thing. “I will visit you this evening.”

“If everything goes well.”

Juha tries to temper my enthusiasm, but I won’t let him. ”Everything *will* go well, you hear me?” Juha nods and smiles bravely. “And you will be back home the day after tomorrow. Then I will spoil you rotten!” I look forward to pampering him! I hold Juha close for another minute, but then a nurse shows up and tells us that it is time for Juha to get prepped. “Everything will go well,” I say, more in order to convince myself than to comfort Juha. “And you will be home before you know it.”

Juha nods, kisses me on the lips, and hugs me tight. “I have to go now.”

He releases me from his embrace and takes a step away from me. This feels awful, but I refuse to give into my fears. I will be brave for Juha. “Love you…”

Juha walks over to the doorway, looks at me from over his shoulder, and smiles. “I love you too, Ville.” He waves at me and then closes the door behind him.

I’m alone and it feels awful.

~~~~

“Ah, it can’t be that bad…” Tommi puts his arm around me and looks at me encouragingly.

“You don’t know how it feels…” Weakly, I protest as he steers me back toward the car.

“Not in this case, no, but I remember what it was like when I worried about the two of you – when I had to leave you behind in foster care or at the home… Trust me, I know how it feels…”

Of course he does. “I’m sorry…”

“No need to be sorry…”

Tommi pulls me closer and squeezes me. “Hey, be careful! I need to breathe!”

“Ah, he’s back to his normal self,” Jarmo says as he sits down behind the steering wheel. “I’ll drive,” he tells Tommi when he sees his questioning look. “You should focus on Ville.”

Tommi and I sit in the back seat, and although his arm is around me once again, I still feel lonely. I never realized just much how important Juha had become to me. “I miss him…”

Tommi rubs my shoulder. “You can see him again in a few hours.”

That’s true, but the thought comforts me little. I remain silent on our way home and both Tommi and Jarmo respect that. When we’re home, I let Tommi and Jarmo guide me to the elevator. We get on, ride it, and get off again. Tommi starts to unlock the door when it suddenly opens. Jonne stands in the doorway and has a guilty look on his face.

“I was too late… sorry… I wanted to catch you two before you had to leave for the hospital,” Jonne apologizes.

“It’s okay…” I step toward him and wrap him up in my arms. “You’re here now.” Jonne returns my hug and pulls me inside the apartment.

“I’ll make coffee,” Tommi offers. “And don’t worry, I will use decaf. I don’t want Ville to bounce through the room. He’s bad enough as he is.”

“I’m not bad,” I mutter against Jonne’s shoulder.

“You know what he’s trying to say… You’re already stressed,” Jonne whispers into my ear.

Tommi and Jarmo disappear into the kitchen and Jonne leads me toward the living room. “I’m glad you here…but where’s Eero?”

“He had to go back to work – unfortunately. But he will drop by this evening once you’re back from the hospital.”

We sit down on the couch and a sense of utter helplessness descends onto me. “There’s nothing I can do, Jonne. It’s out of my hands.”

“And that’s hard on you… I understand you…”

Jonne pulls me against him and I rest my head against his shoulder. “In the past, I would have drowned my sorrow in a bottle of vodka.” But I won’t do that now.

“That wouldn’t solve a thing.”

“I know that, Jonne. Don’t worry. I won’t do anything stupid like that.” I felt Jonne tense the moment I brought up my alcohol problem. “I know better now. I’ll even drink that revolting decaf coffee!”

“It’s good to hear that… Juha will need you sober once he’s released.”

I pull away from Jonne, raise my head, and smile at him. “I know that.”

Tommi and Jarmo step into the living room. Tommi carries the tray holding our mugs and the bloody decaf. They sit down and Tommi pours fake coffee for the four of us. I put loads of sugar and milk into it and to keep my hands busy. My gaze is drawn to the big clock on the wall and I sigh deeply. “Surgery starts in ten minutes.”

“We will keep you company until the surgeon calls,” Tommi offers.

I nod gratefully. “Thanks.” I really need their support right now.

~~~

My mobile phone is on the coffee table and I have been staring at it for the last twenty minutes now. Surgery should have ended half an hour ago and I’m expecting the surgeon to call me. Well, hopefully they finished by now and that they didn’t run into complications.

“Here, drink this.”

Jonne hands me a cup and my nostrils twitch as they inhale a familiar, bitter scent. “I don’t like your herbal teas.”

“But it will help you calm down. Just sip from it, even if you don’t like it. It’s good for you.”

Following Jonne’s advice, I sip, but I glare at my brother once the bitter taste travels down my throat. “It’s horrible.” I put down the cup and take hold of my phone. “Why isn’t he calling?”

“Maybe they needed some extra time to work on Juha’s hand? He will call soon…”

I give Jonne credit for sticking with me. An hour ago, I was pacing the room and it drove Tommi and Jarmo insane. They’re in the kitchen now, so-called preparing dinner, but I think they fled. “I want Juha back home – here with me.”

“You’ll have him with you soon enough…” Jonne puts an arm around me and rocks me. He used that trick successfully in the past and it still sooths me.

Suddenly the phone rings and I jump to my feet. I grab the phone and answer it. “How’s Juha?” I didn’t even check who’s calling, but fortunately for me, it’s the surgeon all right.

“Surgery went well… We managed to restore all basic functions and I expect him to have full use of his hand again.”

I feel immensely relieved, but there’s something else I need to know too. “How did he react to the anesthesia?”

“He’s nauseous at the moment… We really need to keep him here overnight to monitor him, but I expect him to recover during the night.”

“Can I visit him?” I want to see him so badly!

“You can see him, but not for long… Ten minutes max… I will allow only one visitor, so if your family is coming along, they’ll have to wait in the waiting room.”

“That’s okay… They will do that.” I collapse onto the couch. I notice Jonne’s worried look and in order to reassure him, I smile and give him a thumbs up. Jonne understands and smiles back. “Can I still take him home in the morning?” I ask the surgeon.

“We’ll have to see about that… Maybe in the afternoon.”

That’s disappointing, but I can deal with it as long as I can take him home with me tomorrow. “How late do you want me to visit?”

“Be here in an hour… You can see him for ten minutes. We’ll give him something to make him sleep.”

“I’ll be there! And thanks – for everything,” I add. Stressed as I am, I had almost forgotten about that. I switch off the phone and slip it into a pocket. “I can see him in an hour. I can only stay for ten minutes, but I can see him!”

Tommi and Jarmo, who must have heard me talk on the phone, joined us in the living room.

“Everything’s well, Jarmo. Surgery went well… but the anesthesia made him nauseous…”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Jarmo says. “Happened in the past too.”

“So, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” I can’t wait to see Juha again! I jump to my feet again.

“Ville, we’re at the hospital in ten minutes. If we leave now, you still have to wait,” Tommi points out to me.

He’s right of course, but that doesn’t change things. “It doesn’t matter… At least that way I’m there when the surgeon calls for me.”

“You know that there’s no use in reasoning with him when he’s like this,” Jonne says, addressing Tommi.

“All right then. We’ll take you to the hospital,” Tommi offers.

“Ville, is it okay if I stay here? Eepi should be here in thirty.” Jonne looks at me pleadingly.

“Sure, you can stay…” I get to my feet, put on my shoes, and collect my coat. “I’m ready to go.” I catch Tommi quickly rolling his eyes. I can’t be angry with him though. I know that I’ve been pushing his limits, the way I’ve been acting. “I will calm down once Juha’s back home.”

Tommi nods. “Don’t worry about it…”

Jarmo opens the front door, and after Jarmo exits the apartment, so do I. I finally get to see Juha again!

~~~

“I should warn you…” The surgeon starts as he meets up with us in the waiting area. “Juha is still dazed because of the anesthesia and sick to his stomach.”

I nod. “I will keep that in mind. How is his hand?”

“Surgery went better than I expected. We had to put some small screws in though, to keep the bones in place. We also had to fixate his fingers. When you look at his hand, you will find pins and wires keeping it in place. It might look scary, but for him it’s painless.”

I draw in a deep breath. I’m relieved to hear that Juha isn’t in pain, but that contraption sounds scary.

“You can see him for a few minutes… Your family has to stay here, though,” the surgeon says.

I look at Tommi and he says, “It’s okay… Go.” Jarmo nods, giving me his okay too and I follow the surgeon into the next room. Juha is hooked up to a device that registers his heartbeat, but that’s it. He looks tired though. My gaze shifts from his face to his hand and I draw in my breath. Seeing the pins there looks scary all right. I need to take care not to jostle that hand in future. The surgeon mentioned pins and wires and the fixation device covers his entire hand. It *does* look scary and I wonder how Juha will react when he sees it for the first time.

“He’s awake.” The nurse, who keeps an eye on Juha, gestures for me to approach. “But he’s tired… Don’t stay too long.” She and the surgeon step away from the bed to give us some semblance of privacy.

After pulling up a chair close to the bed, I sit down and take Juha’s good hand in mine. I softly rub the skin, hoping the caress will make him open his eyes. “Hey, it’s me… Ville.”

Juha slowly opens his eyes and the expression in them tells me how exhausted he is. “I talked to the surgeon and he says that everything went well. You’ll be able to use your hand again.” I rest my other hand on his brow and stroke his hair, which is quite a mess. “Your body doesn’t like the drugs they used to put you under, does it? You have been sick…?”

Juha manages a weak nod. He moistens his lips, which look rough and cracked. “Had to…throw up…”

“Don’t talk…” I inch closer to him and keep up stroking his hair as the motion seems to soothe him. “After I leave they’ll give you something to sleep and before you know it, it’s tomorrow and I can take you back home.”

“Looks…horrible…”

Instinctively I know what he’s talking about. “The contraption looks horrible, yes, but it’s a necessary evil. It keeps your bones in place so they heal properly.”

Juha’s eyes close and he fights to open them again. In the end, he manages to look at me again, but I can tell he won’t be awake much longer. “You need to rest now, Juha… You need to sleep.”

“Tired…” His speech is slurred and his eyes close again.

“Then sleep tight.” Carefully, I lean in closer and press a kiss onto his brow.

“We should leave now,” the surgeon says as he walks up to me. “Juha will sleep right through the night. Surgery drained him.”

I squeeze Juha’s hand before releasing it and get to my feet. “Thank you for taking good care of him.”

The surgeon nods. “Let’s go back to your brothers…”

I follow him out of the room, but my thoughts remain with Juha. It breaks my heart that I can’t sit with him, but I need to be strong now. He will need me tomorrow when he’s discharged.

“I’ll call you tomorrow at noon. Don’t worry too much. Juha is in good hands,” the surgeon says before leaving me with Tommi and Jarmo.

“So, how is Juha doing?” Jarmo asks.

I hear the urgency in his voice. He’s worried too -- of course. It’s his brother after all. “He’s asleep. He looked exhausted…and he’s been sick because of the drugs they gave him… But the surgeon expects him to feel better tomorrow. Hopefully I can take him home with me tomorrow.”

“Hopefully?” Jarmo frowns. “I thought you were collecting him in the morning.”

“That was the original plan, but now that I have seen Juha I understand that he needs time to recover… It’s okay if I have to wait until the afternoon to pick him up.”

“You *will* take good care of him for me?” Jarmo says in a frustrated tone. “I hate the fact that I have to go home tomorrow… I want to stay instead, but I can’t…”

“I will take good care of him… We all will… Tommi, Jonne, and I… Juha will be spoiled rotten.”

Jarmo nods and sighs deeply. “I’m glad he has you, Ville.”

Suddenly he envelops me in a bear hug and practically squeezes me to pieces. “Hey, go careful on me, or I’ll need surgery myself!”

Jarmo laughs and releases me from his hug. “I know Juha’s in the best hands with you and your brothers… I just wish I could be there for him too.”

I understand why this is hard on Jarmo. Tommi would feel guilty too if I was hurt and he couldn’t be there for me. “I will call you regularly to let you know what’s going on,” I promise.

‘Thanks, Ville.”

The three of us leave the hospital and we set off for home.

TBC

Part 12

Waking up in a hospital bed brings back bad memories, but I fight them down, as I’m determined not to give in to them. Waking up and finding Ahto dead, is in the past. Waking up and being depressed and suicidal is in the past. I must live in the present!

“Morning… You look better today… You have a little color!”

A nurse puts the breakfast tray in front of me and I give her a doubtful look. “I don’t think I can eat.” I’m worried my stomach might overreact as I still feel a little nauseous.

“See if you can manage something. If not, we will try again later.” She leaves the room and I’m alone again.

Using my good hand I pick up the glass filled with orange juice and carefully sip. Okay, my stomach seems okay with the juice, so I sip some more. Suddenly it hits me how much I miss Ville. I vaguely remember him being here last night, but my memories of that visit are blurry.

I put down the now empty glass and risk a look at the hand they operated on. It doesn’t hurt exactly. I feel the pressure on my bones, but it isn’t painful. I don’t like seeing the pins and wires holding my hand together though. They will have to be removed in six weeks.

I rest my head against the pillows, close my eyes, and draw in a deep breath. Surgery is over – the easiest part is over. I will be handicapped for at least six weeks and then physical therapy will start.

“It doesn’t hurt, does it? Your hand, I mean? I knocked, but you didn’t hear it.”

It’s the surgeon. He stands in the doorway and studies me.

“I don’t feel any pain… Just an odd pressure.”

“The pins hold the bones in place and the traction device will make sure they grow back the way nature intended them.” The surgeon walks up to the bed. “How do you feel this morning? You don’t seem sick anymore.”

“I managed the orange juice,” I say and incline my head toward the tray. “I’m not sure I can eat though.”

“Then don’t… That sandwich won’t grow cold.”

I turn my head toward him. “Did everything go okay?”

“Everything went very well… Your hand will need to heal though and that will take up to six weeks. After that, we’ll remove that contraption and you’ll start physical therapy – just like we discussed.”

I’m happy to hear that everything went according to plan. “Can I go home today?” I hope he doesn’t want to keep me here any longer.

“I will give your boyfriend a call and tell him to pick you up around three… How does that sound?”

“Sounds great…” I’m still tired though and my eyes start to close. “Sorry.”

“Yes, you need to sleep off the effects… Sleep is the best medicine right now.”

I barely hear his comment as I’m already half asleep. Hopefully I will dream of Ville.

~~~

I accept the nurse’s help when it’s time for me to get dressed. There’s no way I can dress myself – I need the assistance. Thankfully she is really nice about it and doesn’t make me feel embarrassed. It’s a quarter to three and I expect Ville to show up any moment now.

“Remember to be careful though,” the nurse says as she places my hand in the sling which she tied around my neck. “Make sure your hand gets some support and don’t jostle it. Keep it still.”

“I will do my best.” Trust me, I don’t want to jostle it either because then it might turn painful after all.

“Now you’re ready to go.” She smiles at me. “You were a good patient.”

“Even though I threw up on you?” I feel bad about that. I couldn’t help it, that’s true, but I still threw up on her shoulder when she was moving me about in the bed.

“Don’t worry about it. It happens all the time and you had a good reason for having an upset stomach.” She winks at me and then leaves the room.

I’m alone and normally that would make me nervous, but now I can’t stop staring at my hand. It’s hard to imagine that it will ever function normally considering the way it looks right now.

“Hey, looks like I arrived just in time! Are you brooding?”

I smile at hearing Ville’s voice and look at him. He’s all smiles and quickly heads for the bed. After sitting down, he takes my good hand in his and kisses me on the lips. “I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him.

“And I’m glad that I can take you home with me!”

I see the look he gives my hand, hidden in the sling: a question burns his lips. In the end, he asks, “Are you sure it doesn’t hurt? The nurse told me so, but I can pick up painkillers if you want me to.”

“It doesn’t hurt… That’s probably hard to believe when you look at the thing, but it’s okay…” Looking at Ville, I add, “I want to go home: I want to leave this place… It brings back memories.”

“Let’s go then.” Ville doesn’t waste any time and gets to his feet.

I rise from the bed, but much slower. I feel dizzy and I blink, trying to get my orientation back. Ville notices it and immediately wraps an arm around me. “Head rush…”

“Maybe it’s an after effect of the anesthesia,” Ville suggests. “I should probably get some help in here! Jonne!”

I wish Jarmo could have stayed a few more days, but he had to get back to his family and his job. A moment later, Jonne joins us and he carefully takes up position at my other side.

“Hey… You’re up on your feet again,” Jonne says and tries to sound cheerful.

His gaze though is focused on my fixed hand in the sling.

“I’m dizzy.”

“Let’s get you back home and into bed,” Ville remarks and starts to move toward the doorway. “Can you walk or do you want me to fetch a wheelchair?”

“I want to walk, damn it…” I hiss the words through my teeth. When I was admitted after the assault, I was stuck in a wheel chair for the first few days as I lacked the strength to walk and I hated it.

We’re forced to walk at a slow pace, but we reach the car eventually. Ville helps me to sit down in the backseat and then joins me there while Jonne sits down in the driver’s seat. I lean against Ville and close my eyes again. That little trip exhausted me and I desperately want to lie down and sleep some more.

“Just ten more minutes and you’re home again…”

Ville’s whispering voice soothes me and I rub my cheek against his shoulder. In the past, I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Ville’s room became my home. That apartment is home and I want to be there – now. The gentle strokes that Ville bestows onto my hair make me even drowsier and I’m about to fall asleep again. The car comes to a stop however and Ville opens the car door.

“Okay, Juha, we’re home… Don’t fall asleep on me just yet…”

He carefully pulls me from the backseat and onto my feet. I lean against him as I can barely stand on my feet.

“Juha, don’t do this…” Ville sounds frustrated, but I can’t help it. I’m so very tired.

“Let me… I have him…”

Another voice joins in and I even manage to identify it: it’s Tommi. Suddenly the ground beneath my feet is gone and I’m in Tommi’s arms. Funny, I never thought I would end up there! He carries me into the building and Ville opens the front door to the apartment.

“Take him to my bedroom, will you?”

That’s Ville’s voice again. Tommi growls a response and a minute later he puts me down onto the bed. I curl up on my good side and fall asleep… Being home is pure bliss.

~~~

“Hey, are you hungry?”

Ville’s voice pulls me from my sleep and I manage to open one eye in order to find out what’s going on.

“Want some tomato soup? It might be easy on your stomach.” Ville gives me a pleading look, obviously hoping I will try the soup.

I should eat something – he’s right about that. I hope I won’t throw up on him though. “I’ll try,” I mutter and use my good hand to push me higher up against the pillows. My fixed hand is still in the sling, which is good, because it stops me from using it. Ville puts the tray on my lap and gives me an encouraging look. I pick up the spoon, put some soup on it, and eat it. “It’s okay.” My stomach might be able to handle it.

“Good!” Ville smiles happily. “Sorry that I woke you just now, but I already I let you sleep for a long time…”

Something in the way he says it makes me ask, “How long was I asleep then?”

“Twenty hours straight…”

I frown. “Twenty? Wow…” I knew I was tired, but not that badly.

“I looked in on you every hour…”

“Where did you sleep?” I continue eating the soup and wish it would lessen quicker – without me eating it.

“I curled up around you… I was careful not to come close to your hand.”

That’s sweet of him – to sleep next to me, even in the half-drugged state I was still in. “I missed having you at the hospital.”

“I missed you too. I hated being alone at night. I thought of you…”

I finish the soup and put the bowl onto the tray again. That’s all I can manage for now. “Ville, it’s odd, but I feel more handicapped now than in the past…” I study my fixed hand and frown again. “I won’t be able to do much on my own. I’ll need help all the time.”

“Don’t worry about it. I made sure that either Jonne, Eepi, Tommi or I, is in the apartment – we will take turns during the day. At night, you’re mine.”

I hope he still feels like that when he has to help me twenty-four-seven. “I love you, Ville, but remember, you don’t have to be there all the time. You’re entitled to your own time and space.”

“Don’t worry so much!” Ville sounds a bit offended. “I want to take care of you. When will you finally believe that?”

Maybe when this is over and Ville still wants me. I sit up and Ville gives me a surprised look. “What? I need to use the bathroom!” At least that’s one thing I can still do myself – even singlehanded.

“Do you need help?”

“Don’t even think about it!” I’m not letting him hold it for me! I push myself to my feet and sway again. Damn drugs, they still mess with my head!

“Lean on me…” Ville offers as he quickly puts an arm around me.

I accept his offer and together we make our way to the bathroom. “You stay outside!” I tell him rather decisively and go inside. I relieve myself and manage to wash my good hand afterwards. Looking into the mirror, I cringe. I look like shit.

“Is everything all right in there?”

I’m definitely stuck with the baby sitter from Hell. “I’m fine!” Maybe it’s the drugs messing with me, but I’m irritated. I stall for a moment, but quickly realize that it’s useless. Opening the door, I step outside again. Ville’s back at my side in an instant.

“Shall I take you back to bed?”

I don’t want to go back to bed, but it’s probably the right thing to do as I still feel tired. Seeing that Ville’s waiting for a reply, I nod. “Let’s do that, yes.”

Once we reach the bed, I sit down again. I want to lie down, but then Ville stops me.

“Hold on. Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable without those clothes on?”

All right – he’s got a valid point there. “I will need your help though.” Ville gets to work at once. He helps me out of the button-down shirt and the jeans I’m wearing. He’s right – this is better. Wearing merely my boxes I lie down and let Ville tuck me in. “What’s the time, Ville?” I have no idea what time of the day it is.

“It’s ten PM… Bedtime… And I will join you in a few minutes. Eero waits for me in the kitchen – he wants an update on you. I will join you after telling him. Go to sleep, Juha… Have some good dreams.” Ville leans in closer and kisses me on the brow.

I close my eyes and am asleep within seconds.

~~~~

“No… don’t… it hurts… Get off… Go away!” I scream myself awake and sit up in bed. Sweat covers my brow and my heart goes a million beats a minute. I hate those fucking nightmares. Why can’t they leave me alone?

“What? Oh, Juha!” Ville, who was asleep next to me, woke up, and puts an arm around me. “Did you have another nightmare?”

“Yes… Sorry that I woke you…”

“Don’t feel guilty about it… We expected the nightmares to get worse, remember?” Ville rubs my back in soothing circles and I relax. “That’s better. Do you want to lie down again?”

I shake my head. Actually I want out of bed, but that wouldn’t be smart. The last time I tried I was still wobbly on my feet.

“Is everything okay in here?” As the bedroom door is ajar, Eero can peek around the corner and look inside the room.

“Just a stupid nightmare,” I whisper in an attempt to rid myself of my frustration.

“Can I come inside?” Eero asks softly.

I nod. “Sure, why not…” I can’t go back to sleep and Eero looks frustrated himself. “Sit.” I pat the side of the bed. “Why are you still awake?” Focusing on Eero enables me to momentarily forget about my nightmare.

Eero sits down and shrugs. “Jonne’s still at the studio and I miss him.”

Ville groans. “Jonne’s still at the studio?” He picks up his wrist watch and checks the time. “But it’s four in the morning!”

Eero shrugs again. “We had a great time last weekend, but I miss him… I don’t want to go to sleep alone… Not each evening of the week.”

I look at Ville from over my shoulder. “Bed’s big enough for the three of us.”

Ville sighs, but then nods. “You’re right… Come on, Eepi…”

“Thanks, but no,” Eero declines. “I don’t want to intrude and Jonne might be upset when he finds his bed empty.”

“Let him!” Ville says with a force that surprises me and I look at him in surprise. “I mean it! Let him wonder where you disappeared to! Maybe then he’ll realize that he’s taking you for granted and that he needs to put some effort into the relationship as well.”

“Ville’s suggestion makes sense.” I really think Ville has a valid point there. I move closer to Ville and pat the space next to me. “I don’t bite…”

Eero sighs, and wants to decline again, but a look from me shuts him up. “But only for an hour or so…”

Eero lies down on his side facing me and I make myself comfortable as well. Ville spoons up behind me and drapes an arm across my hip. “I thought things were going well?” I’m surprised to see Eero depressed.

“As I said, we had the most amazing weekend ever, but this is reality. Last weekend was more like a fairy tale,” Eero whispers.

“I know my brother, Eepi. He loses track of time when he’s working and Larry is just as bad. It will get better once they recorded the basic melodies.”

“And then what? The band will start touring and where does that leave me? I didn’t think this through, Ville.”

I don’t like the fact that Eero looks more miserable with every passing moment. I look at Ville from over my shoulder and hope he can cheer Eero up.

“You can always go on tour with the band…” Ville suggests.

“Then I’ll lose my job…”

Eero wipes at his eyes and I suspect he’s fighting back tears. “You can always get a new job once the tour is over… Don’t be so down… Why don’t you discuss the matter with Jonne?”

“Because he’s so seldom around these days.”

Eero closes his eyes and I suspect it’s because he doesn’t want us to see his swimming eyes. “Talk to him, Eero. Talk to him the next time you see him… Regardless of the hour or how tired you two are. Tell him.” Suddenly the door opens further and I look up in surprise. Jonne peeks inside.

“Ah, there you are… I was looking for you…” Jonne enters the room, gives me an apologetic smile, and approaches the bed. “Do you want to stay here, Eepi?”

The moment Eero hears Jonne’s voice he sits up and swings his feet onto the floor. Jonne extends his arms and Eero takes Jonne’s hands in his. Jonne pulls him to his feet and hugs him tightly.

“Sorry I’m late, Eepi, but Antti erased a tape which had some important melodies on it and we had to record them again…” Jonne frowns and gives me a worried look. He must realize something is wrong then.

“Talk to him,” I say, addressing Jonne. “Eero needs to tell you some things.”

“All right, we will talk then…” Jonne guides Eero toward the doorway.

Ville and I are alone again and I shift on the mattress until I lie facing him. Ville pulls me close again and I rest my fixed hand on my hip where it’s safe from Ville accidentally rolling on top of it. “I didn’t know Eero was depressed.”

“Neither did I. We should keep a close eye on him.” Ville’s fingers move through my hair and he kisses me on the lips. “Do you want to go back to sleep?”

I kind of forgot about my nightmare because of Eero’s appearance and I’m tempted to try sleeping again. “I will try… but I want to leave the bed tomorrow. I don’t want to be stuck here – I feel trapped.”

“How about the couch in the living room?” Ville suggests.

I consider his suggestion and decide I like it. “Sounds good to me.”

Ville smiles, cocks his head a little, and moistens his lips. “About that one thing…”

His remark puzzles me: I have no idea what he’s hinting at. “What thing?”

“About me chickening out on having sex with you…”

“Oh that thing.” I smile at him, hoping it will reassure him. Actually, he looks cute, being insecure. “What about it?”

“I feel bad for being such a coward. We should have gone ahead and done it.”

“No,” I whisper and caress his face. “There’s a right moment for everything and that moment still has to come where making love is concerned. I don’t want you to feel pressured… We have time.”

“Still, I feel like a failure because of it…”

Ville sounds and looks worried and I don’t want him to brood. “Ville, when the time comes, we will make love and it will be a beautiful experience. But we will decide together when that moments arrives.” Ville closes his eyes and I can tell that he’s struggling with something. “You can tell me…”

“I’m scared that I will disappoint you,” Ville admits in a shaken voice.

“I love you, Ville. Nothing you do will disappoint me. You don’t need to worry about this… I doubt having sex is a good idea while my hand is healing at any rate. Chances are I would mess it up.”

“Is that supposed to cheer me up?”

But Ville smiles while saying that: apparently he accepted that nothing will happen during the next few weeks. “No, but I expect *this* to cheer you up.” I move closer, rest my hand at the nape of his neck, and bring him in for a possessive kiss. I don’t know where Ville’s sudden obsession with having sex comes from… Hopefully my kisses will distract him from his worries and show him that there are other ways of expressing love besides having sex!

TBC

Part 13

I feel exhausted when I finally get home at four in the morning. I love writing songs, but getting them recorded frustrates me to no end. I’m a perfectionist, but Larry – and I doubt anyone will believe this – Larry is even worse – he’s pedantic. In the end, I threw him out of the studio, locked the place, and announced that I don’t want to see him there tomorrow. I want to work on my own, in my own pace and without him nagging.

I get out of the taxi and look up at the building my apartment is in. I moved here two years ago and I still love living here. It’s not in the centre of town, but it’s also not too far away from the nightlife. To my surprise, the light in my bedroom is still on. Eero’s still awake then and probably waiting for me.

I feel bad for neglecting him. I tried to cheer him up during the weekend, but it didn’t work – not completely. At least he told me why he’s feeling down, so I do have a starting point to work from. The problem is, that I feel drained myself and I’m not sure I have enough energy and motivation to reassure Eero that everything is well.

My heart feels heavy upon opening the front door. It feels like a heavy weight rests on my shoulder and I feel guilty for not spending more time with Eero. I step out of my shoes, hang my coat on the rack, and go into the kitchen where I grab two bottles of water. I’m dehydrated! I empty one and take the other one with me into the bedroom.

Eero’s still awake all right. He sits on the bed: his feet rest on the floor and he’s hunched over with his head bowed. He looks like he feels miserable. I put the bottle onto the nightstand and sit down next to him. “Sorry I’m late,” I apologize. “But Larry wanted to work some more. I had to throw him out. He’s full of contradictions, you see… Either he’s obsessed about his drinking or he obsesses about the music. I guess he traded one addiction for the other.” Eero nods, raises his head, turns it toward me, and smiles. It’s a sad smile though and his eyes aren’t laughing. “How was your day at work?”

“It was fine… Sold lots and my boss is pleased with my work. He offered me a steady job…and I wouldn’t have to work during the weekends anymore…”

“That’s great.” I slide my fingers into his hair and massage his scalp. “I hope you said yes.”

Eero however shakes his head. “I asked if I could think about it. I want to discuss something with you first.”

“And what’s that?” I can guess though what’s coming – and he’s right: we need to talk about time-management.

“What happens when you start to tour? You will be away for weeks…”

I know that it bothers him: we talked about it during the weekend, but we never found a solution: mostly because Eero always shut down. He acts different now though and maybe we can finally discuss this and find a solution. “Why don’t you come along?” Eero doesn’t seem convinced though – judging by his facial expression.

“And then what? You will be stressed, rushing from one venue to another, and what about me?”

I draw in a deep breath and tell myself to count to ten. “Eepi, I never said that having a relationship with me would be easy. We have to make it work – both of us. I will clear time to be with you, but you on the other hand, have to give me some freedom.”

“I’ll irritate you…”

I sigh again. “Eero, you’re a grown man… If you think you’ll be bored on this tour, do something about it! Start composing, help out the roadies, be my personal assistant.” Something flashes in his eyes, and for one moment that worries me. But then Eero smiles and nods enthusiastically. I think he got it.

“I could make myself useful.”

“Eepi, you have better things to do than to sit around the hotel or at the venue waiting for me to remember you. You have the freedom to do what you want…”

Eero nods again. “I like the idea of being your personal assistant,” he says and winks at me.

“That will involve much work though,” I warn him, but I’m glad he decided to approach this problem in a positive way instead of putting himself in the role of a victim. Something tells me he did that too many times in the past.

“I don’t mind…” Eero frowns. “But what do I do about my job though?”

“Just tell your boss what’s going on. Look, we’re still recording the songs… We won’t finish for at least two or three more months and then it will take one month at the least to organize a tour… Tell your boss and let him decide what would work best for his shop.”

Eero smiles and leans against me. He rests his head against my shoulder and pulls my hand into his lap. I’m glad we talked about it, because his worries seem to solved. And there is no longer that giant weight resting on my shoulders. “What do you think? Shall we get some sleep? I’m beat.”

Eero nods, and this time, his smile reaches his eyes. “Yes, we should…”

That’s all I need to hear. I rise from the bed, get rid of my clothes, and crawl beneath the covers. A few seconds later, Eero joins me and I wrap myself around him, holding him tight. “I *do* miss having you about…” Suddenly, I have an idea—not sure if it’s a smart thing to do, but hell, why not? “Are you working tomorrow?”

“No, I’m off tomorrow.” Eero yawns and presses closer against me.

“I told Larry that if he showed his face at the studio tomorrow that I would kick his ass so hard that he won’t be able to sit for the next few days… I have the studio to myself tomorrow… Do you want to tag along? Maybe you can help me with some of the songs?” Eero looks at me like a kid that got his Christmas presents a day early. “I take it that is a yes?”

Eero rubs his cheek against my shoulder and whispers, “I would love to.”

“That’s settled then.” I press a kiss onto the top his head and rub his upper arm until his breathing evens out and becomes regular. Eero’s finally asleep and damn, I just realized that I completely forgot to check on Ville and Juha. I will do that in the morning then as I can’t leave the bed right now. Eero might wake up and I want him to sleep instead.

~~~

I roll Eero onto his side, cover him up, and leave the bed. It’s nine in the morning and about time I got started. I banned Larry from the studio and that means I should make good use of the time I have without him nagging me.

Before heading for the kitchen, I detour to Ville’s room. The two of them are still asleep and I lean against the doorway while taking in the sight they present. Ville lies spooned behind Juha with an arm draped across his thigh. Juha rested his bandaged hand on the mattress in front of him and I frown at seeing the metallic construction rising from the bandages. Apparently, this isn’t over yet…

I make way for the kitchen and get the coffee started. I set the table and switch on the radio, which plays dance music. I move along to the beat and sip from the orange juice which I poured for myself.

I make tea and once I’m done, I sit down and enjoy my first cup of tea in the morning. It doesn’t take Eero long to join me. Ten minutes later, he appears in the doorway, looking sleepy and disheveled.

“Why did you leave?”

He sounds disappointed and I could kick myself. “Sorry,” I apologize quickly. “But I wanted to check on Ville and Juha and I need to be in the studio in one hour -- *we* need to be there,” I correct myself. “Want coffee?”

Eero nods, sits down, and brushes his long hair away from his face. I put his coffee in front of him and he adds lots of sugar to it before he sips. “Want me to wake up Ville?”

I wanted to do that myself, but Eero is eager to help, so I tell him yes. “Don’t startle him though!”

Eero nods again, gets to his feet, and looks a little bit more energetic when he leaves the kitchen. I lean back, enjoy my tea, and close my eyes. I promise myself to never let Eero slip away from me – whatever happens, we will talk about it and find a solution.

~~~

“Come on… five more…just five more minutes!” I don’t want to get up yet! I want to stay in bed, hold Juha and stay warm!

“Ville, Jonne made breakfast and we’re leaving within the hour… He wants to see you… Stop being lazy!”

I open my eyes and glare at Eero. “Me being lazy? Me?”

Eero blushes, shifts on his feet, and shrugs. “I have a job these days… I’m not *that* lazy anymore.”

Ah, there is simply no way for me to be angry with Eero for real. He’s too sweet for that. “Give me five… I need to figure out how to leave the bed without waking up Juha.”

“Juha’s already awake,” comes Juha’s voice.

“Oops, sorry, did I wake you?” I didn’t want that.

Carefully, Juha turns onto his other side and he rests his bandaged hand on his hip in order to keep it safe from jostling. “Not really… I was already awake when the two of you started talking.” His gaze shifts from me to Eero. “Did you talk to Jonne?”

Eero nods. “We talked and maybe found a solution. We’ll see what happens when that time comes. They won’t go on tour for another three or four months, so we have time to work out the details.”

“That’s great,” Juha says, sounding genuinely happy for Eero.

“And Jonne fixed breakfast, so if you’re hungry… He also made tea,” Eero adds, while inclining his head toward Juha.

“We will be there in five…” Juha replies.

Eero nods again, turns, and leaves the room. I’m alone with Juha now and I caress his face. “Did you have nightmares again?” I don’t think so, at least, he didn’t wake me.

“I slept okay… No nightmares – not this time around.” Juha moves closer still.

“How’s your hand? Are you in any pain?” I seem to ask Juha that all the time, but hey, I worry!

“It’s fine… It really is! I know what it looks like, but I hardly feel any discomfort.”

“So you are in *some* discomfort?” Why didn’t he tell me? I can get him painkillers!

“I’m not in pain, Ville,” Juha explains quickly. “There’s some pressure, like someone’s pulling at my fingers, but it isn’t painful. It feels weird, that’s it. So please don’t worry about it!”

Don’t worry about it! That’s easier said than done, but I will do my best. “Do you want to have breakfast in the kitchen or do you want me to fill up a tray so we can eat here?”

“Let’s join them in the kitchen… Jonne obviously wants us there…”

“Are you sure? I can –“ Juha cuts me short though.

“Ville, they operated on my hand – not on my brain, so don’t overdo it.”

I breathe in deeply. Juha just kicked my ass and I guess I deserve it. I shouldn’t treat him like an invalid. “Okay, let’s go to the kitchen then.” I leave the bed first and try not to hover over Juha. He will tell me when he needs my help – at least I hope so!

Juha manages to slip into one of my oversized T-shirts. He raises his good hand and curls his fingers around it. I get the hint and we head for the kitchen where we find Eero nibbling on toast and Jonne eating cereal. “Morning,” I say and sit down next to Jonne, which leaves Juha with the chair in-between Eero and me.

“Morning!” Jonne sounds damn cheerful considering it’s still rather early. “Do you want coffee, Ville? And tea for you, Juha?”

Juha nods and so do I. A moment later, Jonne gives us our drinks and I pour sugar and milk into mine. I desperately need a caffeine fix: I will never understand how Juha survives on tea.

“Eepi and I will head for the studio in forty minutes… I asked him to listen to the songs.”

I’m glad the two of them talked and found a compromise. Eero looks happier than last night and Jonne nothing short of cheerful. “Sounds like a good plan!”

“And what are your plans for the day?” Jonne asks.

I give Juha a questioning look. I learned my lesson and won’t decide anything on my own. “Any ideas?”

Juha shrugs, ponders the question, and then says, “ Maybe go for a walk, call Jarmo, and have dinner… I don’t feel like doing anything strenuous today.”

I like that idea a lot. The walk will make sure he gets some fresh air and then he can rest. “We can do that.” Juha smiles at me and he lightly squeezes my fingers. I can’t stop myself – I have to lean in closer and whisper a “I love you,” into his ear. Jonne elbows me in the side and I grow flustered. “What?”

“The two of you are cute,” Jonne explains his action. “And we don’t mind if you tell Juha that aloud!”

Damn Jonne for embarrassing me. I shuffle my feet beneath me and peek at Juha, who looks amused as well. “Love you,” I say, louder this time. Juha leans in closer and presses a kiss onto my lips. “I guess that means you love me too.” I giggle softly.

“I love you a lot,” Juha says and nods. “And now it’s time to eat.”

Juha takes hold of some toast and butters it – singlehandedly. I’m impressed. Slowly, it begins to dawn on me, that yes, he needs occasional assistance, but no, he isn’t an invalid and I vow to treat him accordingly.

~~~

“Hey, how long will you need, because if you need a long time, then I…” I stop short from finishing my question upon seeing Juha stand in front of the shower cabin, looking rather frustrated. Softly, I offer, “Can I help?”

Juha sighs, rolls his eyes, turns around, and nods. “I think I need help.”

“What do you want to do? Shower? Wash your hair?” I step into the bathroom and come to a halt next to him.

“The hair is still okay, but I would love to clean up… but how do I do that?”

“I can help!” I smile at him and nod repeatedly. “When I was ten I broke my left wrist… I was on vacation, visiting my granny, and she put a plastic bag over the cast. She made sure it stayed in place with some tape and I was ready to shower.”

“Do you think it will work with me too?”

“Sure, why not? But maybe it would be best if you took a bath instead… That way you can rest your arm on the rim and you can relax.”

Juha walks over to the tub, puts in the plug, and turns on the water. “I don’t want my hair wet though.”

“Not a problem…” I open one of the drawers and find the shower cap I was looking for. “Jonne uses it all the time…”

“That’s great… Can you put my hair in there?”

Juha turns his back toward me and I put the shower cap on his head, moving the hair beneath the material. “I’ll get a bag and some tape… Why don’t you get naked in the mean time?”

Juha gives me the sweetest smile ever – it also has a hint of seduction to it, and I swallow hard. “I will be right back!” I should never have told him that I’m a virgin where men are concerned! I fetch a bag and the tape and return to the bathroom. Juha is naked indeed and seems to be perfectly comfortable like that. He’s gorgeous… he really is. “Sit down for a moment, will you?”

Juha sits down on the toilet seat and I put the bag around his hand. I attach the tape in such a way that it should be water proof. “That should work!” The bathtub filled up nicely and Juha added bath oil to it. “Need help getting in there?” I don’t want him to slip!

“Yes, that might be a good idea…”

Juha places his good hand in mine and steps into the tub. I steady him as he sits down and put a small, plastic pillow in place so he can lean his head against it. “Comfortable?”

“Perfect,” Juha purrs. “Thanks, Ville.”

He rests his good hand at the nape of my neck and pulls me close enough for him to kiss me. I return the kiss and our tongues meet briefly in an intimate caress. I end the kiss and smile at him. “Give me a call when you want out of the tub.”

“Where are you going?”

“I want to call Arttu. I want to know how he’s doing and if Janne and he are still together.”

“Do you expect them to break up then?”

I quickly shake my head. “I don’t… But Arttu is unpredictable…you never know. Enjoy yourself… I will check with you in ten…” I kiss his brow, turn around, wink at him, and head for the living room.

“Bye, Ville! Don’t wait up for us!”

Jonne and Eero wink at me. They close the door behind them and I hope that they have a good time at the studio. I feel relieved that they talked. I know my brother and Jonne will do anything he can to make them work out… That is, if he knows what’s bothering Eero. If Eero doesn’t tell Jonne what’s going on then my brother can’t take action.

I sit down on the couch, reach for my cell phone, and speed dial Arttu’s number. I’m curious to find out what’s going on. It takes one or two minutes for Arttu to answer the call, but then I hear his voice.

“Aatamila speaking…”

“Hello, Arttu… It’s me, Ville.”

“Ah, it’s you! I wanted to call you the other day, but then I remembered that Juha was having surgery and I didn’t want to disturb you. So how did everything go? Well, I hope?”

That’s Arttu… Once he gets going, it’s hard to get a word in there. “He’s fine… Surgery went well.”

“Oh, that’s great to hear. Janne and I will visit shortly, but I think it’s best to wait a few more days so Juha can settle in. Oh, Janne tells me to say hi to you. The monsters are on the loose and in the middle of destroying my apartment. Janne however promised to buy anything I need to replace!”

I reckon that answers my question, but maybe I can get one more sentence in there. “The two of you are fine, then?”

“Janne and I? Oh, we’re fine! We’re more than fine! Everything is perfect! We’re going to Klubi this evening to see Monday play. I would love to invite you along, but I doubt Juha is in the mood for that. He probably wants to sleep, doesn’t he? So what’s he doing now? No, Calypso! My socks are not for eating, sorry Ville, you were saying?” I laugh and Arttu starts to chuckle as well. “Sorry,” Arttu says, “You know what I’m like… But now tell me, how’s Juha doing?”

“He’s taking a bath at the moment… We will go for a walk later and then we will have dinner. Nothing strenuous for now.”

“Sounds good… Give me a call once he feels up to having visitors. I’ll even make the monsters stay at home. That’s too dangerous, don’t you think? To take them with me…. They jump all the time and…”

“Yes, leave them at home.” Fortunately for me, even Arttu needs to draw in breath and I use that moment to answer him.

“All right… I’ll wait for your call then… I have to get back to Janne now… The monsters are trying to bite into his bandana… and he’s still wearing it! Good luck to the two of you… Bye, Ville!”

“Bye, Arttu… and good luck with making them behave.” Arttu chuckles and then the line’s dead. I put my phone back onto the coffee table and grin. Looks like those dogs are even worse than Arttu himself!

“Ville? Are you out there?”

“I’m on my way!” I get to my feet and return to the bathroom. “Do you want out?”

“Yes…the water turned cold…”

I walk over to the bathtub and help Juha out of it. I put my arm around him and ignore his protest. “So I will get wet… It’s just water.” It’s no big deal.

“But still…”

I give him a look that shuts him up. “Now, be careful…” I steady Juha, reach for a towel and wrap it around him. “Want me to rub you dry?” I give him a wink though as I don’t want him to take it the wrong way.

“I can do that myself, but thanks…” Juha sits down on the toilet seat and dries his skin. “That was heavenly.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it!” I drain the tub and turn around. I remove his shower cap and Juha runs his fingers through his hair to loosen it. “Want some tea?”

Juha nods. “That would be great… And after that, we could go for a walk.”

I put the towel in the laundry basket and follow Juha into his room. I’m more than happy to let him to take the lead. Juha sits down on the bed and gives me an expectant look. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do though. “What?”

“I need clothes… Or do you want me to stay naked all day?” Juha smiles wickedly.

That smile makes me blush. “I wouldn’t mind… Not really…but you might catch a cold.” I open the closet door and look at Juha. “What do you have in mind?”

“Jeans… T-shirt, sweater… You pick them… Oh, and underwear too!”

I end up selecting all black clothes and put them on the bed next to Juha. He manages to get into the briefs and jeans without my aid, but has problems putting on the shirt. I help him with that and after we dealt with the sweater, Juha’s ready to go… or not?

“How about some socks?”

I shake my head at him, get out black socks, and slip them onto his feet. “Ready now?”

“I think so…” Juha rises from the bed and wraps his good arm around my waist. “I’m ready for the tea you promised.”

I narrow my eyes and study Juha as he walks into the living room. Earlier on, he said that he didn’t want to be treated like an invalid, but apparently he has no problem with bossing me around or me pampering him. I go into the kitchen to prepare his tea and continue to wonder about my boyfriend when suddenly Juha presses against me from behind. He wraps his good arm around my waist, leans in closer, and kisses me in the neck. I turn my head and look at him from over my shoulder. “I thought you had gone into the living room?”

“I missed you,” he purrs into my ear. “And I wanted to say thank you…for taking so good care of me. I know that I’m difficult at times… Thanks for loving me.”

I turn in the embrace, wrap my arms around him in turn, and kiss him on the lips. “You can be difficult all you want… You have a good reason to feel frustrated and I don’t mind taking care of you.” Maybe there’s a thin line between pampering him and making him feel incapacitated. And maybe I found out how to walk that thin line. “Tea is almost ready… Why don’t you warm the couch and I bring tea and cookies?”

“Sounds good…”

Juha licks my earlobe in a way, which makes me quiver. I might be nervous about making love with him, but at the same time, it’s the one thing that I want most right now.

TBC

Part 14

Walking along the Tammerkoski, I feel a peace that I’ve been denied for a long time. I lost my peace of mind that night in Helsinki when they murdered Ahto. Ville however, found a way to restore it and I’m immensely grateful for that.

I cock my head so I can peek at him. Ville walks next to me and his arm is wrapped tightly around my waist. He appears lost in thought and I hope he isn’t worrying about me. The truth is that I haven’t felt this happy for a long time. The ghosts of the past are just that – ghosts. I will always love Ahto and I will never forget him. He lives on in my heart, but these days, Ville is my life and I hope he knows that.

“Can we sit down for a moment?” I’m not tired, but it’s a beautifully sunny day and I want to sit in the sun as long as it’s out. Ville looks at me, nods, and guides me toward a bench, where we sit down. I pull his hand into my lap and rub his fingers. “Ville?”

He gives me a puzzled look – then the expression changes and it turns worried. That wasn’t my intention and I’m quick to act. “I want you to know how much you mean to me. You’re very important to me and I love you with my entire heart.” Ville relaxes and his smile broadens. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Juha…”

“This thing with my hand… I appreciate you taking care of me… It can’t be easy on you…” It’s been four weeks since surgery took place. I went to see my surgeon yesterday and everything goes according to plan. I will start physical therapy in two weeks and then we will see if surgery was a success or not… Even if I can’t use my hand like I did in the past, I will accept that and make my peace with it. It’s easy because I have Ville now.

“You’re not very hard to take care of. You insist on doing most things yourself, and when you do need help, I’m glad to help you out.”

I lift Ville’s hand, bring it to my lips, and kiss it’s back. We didn’t do anything besides kiss and touch during these last four weeks. I was tempted to instigate having sex, but my hand keeps me back. Ville still seems nervous about the act, but at the same time, he has grown more confident these days. Maybe all he needs is time.

“You look troubled… I can give Arttu and Janne a call… They can come another time if you’re not feeling well.”

“No, Ville… Don’t… There’s no reason to cancel dinner. I’m fine… Merely lost in thought.”

“What are you thinking of?”

“I’m thinking about you… Four weeks ago, the thought of having sex made you blush and stutter. It doesn’t these days.”

Ville shrugs. “Maybe I realize that I don’t need to worry about making love with you… You love me, and I love you… even if I disappoint you, you will forgive me.”

“I told you before – you can’t disappoint me, and I understand your nervousness. I felt like that when Ahto and I started to get intimate. First times are scary.” Ville moves closer and rests his head against my shoulder. He twines our fingers and looks out over the river, which shines golden now that the sun is setting.

Suddenly Ville starts to talk. “It’s funny… I never thought my life would turn out this way… Two years ago, I was heading for destruction. I was on my way to become an alcoholic, and except for my brothers, there was no one special in my life… You changed me, Juha.”

“I trust it is a change for the better?”

“Of course…” Ville lifts his head and looks at me thoughtfully. “I feel complete when you’re with me.”

“Same goes for me…” I press a light kiss onto his lips. I lack the words to express my feelings for him, so maybe a kiss will do instead. Ville brushes my hair away from my face and I smile at him, recalling his reaction when I told him that I wanted to cut it to shoulder-length and dye it black. Ville almost had a fit. He went to the hairdresser with me and nibbled on his fingernails all the time I sat in that chair. It took both of us some time to get used to my new hairdo, but in the end, Ville accepted it, and grew more comfortable seeing me with black hair. I needed to make that change and I feel better when I look into the mirror nowadays. The Juha of old is gone… This is the new me.

“Do you want to go home? It’s growing cold now that the sun is gone and Janne and Arttu might be on time for a change.”

“I doubt it though.” Janne and Arttu are never on time! But I get to my feet nonetheless and loop my good arm with Ville’s. We head for home, and on our way there, I keep stealing glances at the people roaming the streets. I still don’t feel completely at ease being outside, but I am in control of my feelings and manage.

“You’re late!” Arttu says, greeting us as we reach our apartment building. Janne leans against the wall and has his arms around Arttu, holding him close.

“You’re early!” Ville complains as he unlocks the door. “You said you would be here at eight!”

“It *is* eight!” Arttu waves a finger at Ville.

“You’re never punctual,” Ville counters as we walk over to the elevator.

“Where are the monsters?” I had assumed Janne would bring them along this time. He hadn’t in the past, claiming they might do something to jostle my hand.

“Jussi is dog sitting,” Janne replies. “The monsters actually like him.”

“You can bring them along.” The bones in my hand are mostly healed and there can’t go much wrong anymore.

“I rather take no chances,” Janne explains.

Ville opens the front door and we step inside. “Are we ordering take out?” I doubt Ville is in the mood to cook.

Ville nods. “Chinese food perhaps?”

“Hey, what are you guys doing here?”

Much to my surprise, Jonne steps out of the kitchen. Upon seeing Janne, he embraces his friend and then bestows a hug onto Arttu too. “It’s been weeks since I saw you two last!”

“We’re having dinner… Do you want to join in?” It’s been a while since we spent time together and it might be nice to have them close: Janne, Arttu, Jonne, Eero, and Arttu of course.

“We can do that… Eero, we don’t need to put on water… Juha here has dinner plans for us,” Jonne says, calling out to Eero, who pops his head around a moment later.

“Chinese food of course,” Eero says knowingly.

“Probably,” I admit. “Ville, do we still have the menu at home?” Ville already expected that question and presents us with the menu. We hover around the menu, list the foods we want, and Ville calls to place our order. Now we must wait.

“Kitchen or living room?” Jonne asks.

“Kitchen, I guess… Your kitchen table is big enough to seat the six of us…” I know Jonne was hoping to get that answer as he hates it when people eat in the living room. We stained his carpet one too many times.

We sit down at the kitchen table and I watch my friends while they chat. Jonne and Eero worked out whatever messed up their relationship a month ago. If I got it right, Eero’s going to be Jonne’s personal assistant when Negative goes on tour – that way they can stay close to each other.

Janne and Arttu… Don’t get me started on those two. Arttu has hickeys all over his throat and I wonder if that’s really a bite mark on Janne’s throat. They’re obviously well matched and happy.

I’m happy too. Jarmo called the other day and we talked for an hour. In the end, after Jarmo encouraged me, I picked up the phone and called my parents… I broke down and cried upon hearing their voices. Ville wrapped me up in an embrace and offered emotional support during the phone call. In the end, I was calm again and accepted my parents’ offer to visit me in a few weeks. I already look forward to that.

There are still some things on my to-do list though. One day, when I feel brave enough, I want to travel to Helsinki and visit Ahto’s grave. I’m not ready for that yet though… But it’s always in the back of my mind.

But Ahto isn’t the only thing that binds me to Helsinki. A week ago, I talked to Jarmo about the apartment and my belongings, which are in storage. Jarmo had received an offer from a potential buyer and since the price was okay, I accepted. So, the apartment is one thing less that I need to worry about. Jarmo also asked about my belongings in storage, but I want to keep them there for now. Sorting them out would bring back old pain, and I’m not ready to face my former life in that way.

“Hey, what’s going on? Are you still with me?”

Ville sounds worried and I focus my attention on him. “Sorry, I was thinking back to the past… And the way I have changed – the friends I have gained.” I’m grateful that the Liimatainen family accepted me. When Tommi visits, he also makes me feel like I belong with them – like they’re my home. I’m very lucky… I know that.

Jonne places his hand on my good one and says, “Don’t waste too much energy on the past – you need it for the present.”

He’s right about that – I learned that much. Instead of living in the past, like I did at the clinic, I learned to cherish the moment. My life is *now*.

“Food’s here!” Arttu jumps from his chair when the door bell rings and he heads for the doorway to collect dinner.

“Someone’s hungry…” Janne jokes. “Amazing… I know how much he eats!”

Janne’s comment makes me chuckle. Arttu returns, carrying four plastic bags which contain our food. He removes the cardboard boxes from the bags, opens the drawers to find forks, and practically throws them at us. “These are for the ones who can’t or won’t eat with chopsticks,” Arttu cheerfully announces.

I pick up a fork and eat. Now that everyone is munching happily, it’s quiet, but it still feels comfortable. I guess that’s what it feels like when friends turn into family.

~~~

I still feel groggy from the anesthesia when I wake up. Someone should have told me that they had to put me under a second time so they could finish treatment on my hand. They removed most of the pins in my hand and I don’t see any metal or wires when I focus on my limb. It’s heavily bandaged though. Nausea rises from my stomach and frantically, I search for some bowl I can hurl into. Luckily for me, Ville’s around and he quickly helps me to sit upright. He pushes a metallic bowl against my lips and I empty my stomach.

“Hopefully that was the last time they had to put you out,” Ville says as he strokes back my hair. “Now you’ll feel miserable for a few days.”

“It doesn’t matter.” My voice sounds raw and I feel like I’m ready to hurl again. “How did it go?”

“They’re happy with the outcome… You’ll start physical therapy at the end of the week. They think your hand is fully functional again.” Ville exchanges his chair for the edge of the bed and takes my good hand into his. “If you feel up to it, you can go home with me this evening, but they want to keep you here for a few more hours – just in case you react to the anesthesia again.”

I figured that. Ville helps me to lie back against the pile of pillows and I close my eyes. I draw in a deep breath. I’m glad the ordeal is over. I can deal with going to physical therapy, but I’m not sure I could have dealt with more surgery.

“Jonne called. Eero and he hope that you’ll feel better soon and Tommi will come along when I collect you tonight. He’s worried too.”

“And Jarmo?” Did my brother call?

“He called, but I was talking to the surgeon at that time. I’ll call him back once you’re asleep again. Your parents called too… Talking to them felt weird… I don’t know them…”

“But you told them I was doing okay?”

“Yes… and they asked if they could visit next week. I told them yes, of course.”

My eyes close again, which isn’t surprising. “Can’t stay awake…sorry.”

“Get more sleep then… I might not be here when you wake up again… But I will collect you around eight tonight…”

I manage a weak nod, but then exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep again.

~~~

I sit in my bed and wait for Ville to show up again. I had a talk with the surgeon earlier and according to him, my hand should be fine after a month of physical therapy. I pray to God that he is right: hopefully I will be rewarded for what I went through!

“Ah, looks like you’re ready to go!”

Tommi enters the room first, but Ville follows closely. I smile at them and nod. “I can’t wait to get out of here! I hate hospitals.” Ville walks over to me, leans in closer, and kisses me on the lips. “Did you miss me?”

“Always!” Ville picks up my overnight bag and hands it to Tommi. Ville then pushes the bed covers out of the way and I swing my feet onto the floor.

“Are you dizzy?” Ville wants to know.

“Not sure yet…” We will find out. I push myself to my feet and yes, there it is. “Head rush…” Ville steadies me and I lean against him. “And no, no wheel chair!” I tell him, seeing him search for one. “I want to walk!”

“Or I can carry you again!” Tommi says as he leads the way through the corridor.

I blush, recalling that he did carry me upstairs after I had surgery the first time. We reach the car and I sit down in the backseat. Ville slips into place next to me and he claims my good hand again.

“Jonne and Eero made soup, in case you’re hungry,” Ville informs me.

“I’m not sure my stomach can handle it.” The mere thought of eating makes me queasy.

“We will see how it goes…” Tommi says from the front seat.

Ten minutes later, we arrive at home. With Ville’s arm wrapped around my waist, and Tommi’s around my shoulders, I make my way upstairs. The front door is open and Jonne and Eero stand there – waiting for me.

“It’s good to have you back!” Jonne smiles at me and then steps aside so we can enter. “You can rest now.”

I incline my head in his direction to show I heard. I’m too tired to speak.

“Where do you want to put him?” Tommi asks Ville.

“My room,” Ville replies. “Bed is bigger there.”

I let them decide my fate, and when I finally lie down, I curl up on my side and close my eyes again. In the back of my mind I still hear them talk, but I’m too exhausted to focus on what they’re saying. I just want to sleep.

~~~~

I don’t wake up until the next morning and when I do, Ville’s holding me. As he’s still sound asleep, I use the time to study my hand. I’m glad the fixation device is gone, all that is left now, are the bandages. My physical therapist will remove those when we start to work on my hand in two days.

I’m grateful that I’m not in any pain. I’m sure that if I had been, it would have brought on more nightmares. I’ve been spared those – fortunately. I turn in the embrace, slowly, until I’m face to face with Ville. His features are relaxed in sleep and his lips move ever so gently to release his breath. Inching closer to him, I claim his lips and sigh appreciatively. His lips are so very soft. Ville’s eyes open and he looks at me in surprise at first, but that changes quickly into joy.

“Morning,” he whispers after I released his lips. “You appear to feel better.”

It’s true. The nausea is gone and I feel well. Well enough to claim his lips again – this time for a more passionate kiss. Ville parts his teeth and my tongue moves into his mouth to explore and please. Ville arches an eyebrow and frowns – probably because my good hand strayed to his buttock. It’s been six weeks since we were intimate and I want him… I want to kiss him, caress him, and feel him. I do hope he feels the same way. “It’s been so long…”

Ville swallows hard and nervousness returns to his eyes. “You need to guide me.”

“Maybe…” I’m not sure he needs much guidance. “You know what to do, don’t you?” Ville cocks his head and frowns. I know exactly what he’s thinking. “Listen, Ville… I really think it would be best if you took me the first time… My hand still hinders me and I think you’d do great being on top.” Hopefully all he needs is to hear that I have faith in him. “I would like that very much… To feel you that way.” Is it just my imagination or does Ville look relieved? I’m not sure why he wants to be on the bottom – he said so that one time, but maybe he merely assumed that I want to be on top. “We have time… We can reverse roles once my hand is healed.”

“Okay…” Ville nods slowly. “Keep in mind though that I’ve never been with a man in that way before.”

“You know what to do,” I reassure him. “And don’t worry, should you need me to guide you, I’ll do so…” I pull Ville on top of me and roll onto my back. I love the feel of his weight pressing me into the mattress. I believe I made the right decision in making him go on top. “Do you have condoms?” We *do* need those! I caress his face and grin at seeing his stunned expression. I guess it didn’t really register with him until now that we’re actually going to do the deed. “Fetch some…”

Ville is back to being shy, but he gets to his feet and heads for the bathroom. In the meantime, I slip out of my briefs and drape the sheet in a way that hides my groin.

Ville still blushes when he returns. He puts the condoms on the mattress next to me and looks at me – My, it seems like he doesn’t know what to do. It can’t be that bad, can it? “Come back here…” I extend my good hand and gesture for him to crawl on top of me again. “But lose your boxers first… They would only get in the way.”

Ville’s blush deepens when he removes his boxers and I’m beginning to understand just how shy he really is. I have to go slow and be careful. “Come back here now…” Ville takes my hand and lies down next to me. That’s not what I had in mind though. I free my hand, bring it up against his back, and manage to roll him on top of me again. “That’s better.”

Ville sucks in his breath the moment he realizes that I’m naked. The sheet moved out of the way and there’s no mistaking that I’m interested in him as I’m hard. Ville isn’t though – not yet anyway. “You don’t have to be nervous…” I stroke his back and guide his lips back to mine. “Kiss me… touch me…” I hope seduction works best with Ville. Maybe I shouldn’t give him any time to worry. “You feel soft… warm…” I caress his face, lure his tongue inside my mouth, and wished I could use my other hand as well. I can’t though. “You make me horny…” I rub my erection against his groin and yes, Ville reacts to my seduction, just like I had hoped – he’s growing hard. “Can’t wait to feel you inside me…” Ville coughs due to his nervousness and gives me a shy look. “Kiss me… wherever you want,” I whisper into his ear. “Do whatever you want with me…”

Ville looks confused and I remember what my first time with Ahto was like. I didn’t have any experience back then either and I relied on Ahto to guide me. “Don’t worry… You’re doing great… You’re hard…” I purr the words into his ear while my hand slips down his groin. I curl my fingers around his shaft and massage lightly. “Don’t you want to make love to me?”

Ville’s eyes widen and he pants hard at feeling my touch. “Yes, I do, but…”

“No buts…” I reach for a condom and hand it to him. I can’t open the package singlehandedly. “You will feel so good inside me… Come on, Ville, don’t make me wait…” Ville takes hold of the package, opens it, and removes the condom. I smile at him when he gives me another confused look. “It’s not so different from having sex with girl. You know where the condom goes, don’t you?” Ville blushes to the roots of his hair and quickly slides it down his cock. “Yes, that’s right… And you know where that goes, don’t you?” I can’t help to tease him a little. He looks adorable, being that shy.

“I do, but…”

I curl my fingers around his cock again and guide him to his target. “That’s where it goes,” I say and give him a wink. “Now claim what’s yours…” I *am* horny and I want him. I want him now!

Ville closes his eyes as if to focus and then opens them again. “Tell me when I hurt you.”

“Don’t think about that…” I engage his lips in another kiss and raise my hips in an attempt to get my point across. “Make love to me…”

Ville finally starts to move. Slowly, as if he’s not certain if he’s doing it right, he pushes inside. “Yes, that’s it… You’re doing great…” It’s a start… Pressing closer against him, I take more of him inside. “Ville, deeper inside…” I can’t do this completely on my own. Ville needs to move too.

“This is okay?” Ville inches in deeper, but still very slowly.

“Do I look like I’m in pain?” Damn it, I love the fact that Ville worries about me, but the fact that he’s merely half buried inside me, drives me insane. “Ville… move …”

Ville nods and then plunges in the rest of the way. I throw back my head at the sweet sensation and purr contently. “Yes, like that… Feels good…” I would be in complete bliss if he would start to thrust, but I don’t want to push him too hard.

Ville presses closer against me, and by doing that, his body weight comes to rest on me. I love the way he presses me deeper into the mattress. My lips find his throat and latch onto the sensitive skin there. I suck hard, and at the same time, my hand steals towards Ville’s ass to pinch him.

That seems to get the message across as Ville starts to move – slowly and shallow at first, but when I slap his ass, he picks up on speed. The whole time, he’s focused on me and I make sure I answer his gaze – in order to reassure him. I move my lower body slightly to change the angle of his thrusts, and the next time he sheaths himself in me, he hits bulls eye. I close my eyes, savor the sensation, and meet his next thrust passionately. “Yesssss,” I purr. “That’s the spot… Do it again, Ville…” Ville’s expression changes: this is the moment I have been waiting for. Instinct is about to take over. Ville stops to think and acts on lust. “Harder!”

I have no idea why Ville feels insecure about making love to me. His stamina is excellent and he gives me a good pounding, like I had hoped he would. I refrain from touching myself, as I want to last. I run my fingernails down his spine and scratch playfully. That seems to motivate Ville as his thrusts deepen.

I won’t last as long as I had hoped. The way he fucks me drives me mad and I tumble over the edge. I climax and grab him by the neck so I can kiss him again. Ville doesn’t last much longer than me. He thrusts a few more times, but then freezes on top of me. I stroke his face and smile at him. I catch him when he collapses on top of me and hold him tight. “That was fucking amazing,” I whisper into his ear.

Ville raises his head and smiles shyly. “It went better than I thought.”

I chuckle. I should probably feel offended by that, but I know what he’s trying to say. “You didn’t hurt me… more importantly, you made me come. I didn’t even touch myself…”

Ville rests his head on my chest, purrs, and draws circles onto my chest. “So you wouldn’t mind doing it again with me on top?”

“Why would I? I loved it.” I stroke his hair and press a kiss onto his brow. “You don’t need to feel insecure, Ville. You really don’t.” Ville moves his head until his chin rests against my chin. Now that he looks at me, he searches my gaze, probably wondering if I’m speaking the truth. And yes, I am.

It takes Ville a long moment to make up his mind, but then he nods. “I believe you…” He kisses me again and I pull him tighter into my embrace. Ville cuddles up to me and gently pulls my bandaged hand close against him. “Juha?”

“Yes?” I wonder what’s going through his head at the moment.

“Don’t ever leave me… I want to grow old with you.”

I can’t promise him that. Losing Ahto taught me how quickly things can change. “I promise to love you forever,” I say and press a kiss onto the top of his head.

“That’s good too…” comes Ville’s sleepy replay. His breathing evens out and it tells me he’s asleep. I exhausted him it seems. He had better get used to it, as I plan on making love all the time in the future. Life is fragile – love is fragile and I’m determined to cherish Ville for the rest of my life.

The end