Title:
The Fire Within
Author:
Morgana
Author’s Email:
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairings:
Ash/Vaysh and Pellaz/Caeru
Rating:
NC-17
Summary: Caeru recovers from an attack and learns some surprising facts about
Vaysh.
Spoilers
regarding book four “The Shades of Time and Memory”.
Disclaimer:
Not mine. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning:
AU of course.
Beta
read by Patricia and DA, thanks sweeties!
All
remaining mistakes are mine.
From Storm
Pellaz nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll have
them clean you up,” he said. “I’ll send Vaysh to you. He can sit with you.”
“Vaysh,” Caeru said dully. “Is that
because I’m like him now? Barren? Is he going to talk
to me about that, try and make me adjust?” He laughed bleakly.
“No,” Pellaz replied. “It’s because Vaysh
is trained to protect a har, which is more than can be
said for our so-called security staff. But that is not your concern. Just get
well again.”
The Fire Within
Vaysh wasn’t surprised to
find out what Pellaz wanted from him when the Tigron visited with him that
evening. Earlier that day, they had already established that the security staff
had failed Caeru miserably and he had offered to look after the injured
Tigrina. The offer had been accepted and Vaysh wondered how much persuasion on
Pellaz’ part it had taken to make Caeru agree to this arrangement.
As he studied his friend’s
face, Vaysh couldn’t help but notice that the expression in Pellaz’ eyes had
changed during the last few days. In the past, when Pellaz had talked about the
Tigrina, he had done so with little interest in Caeru’s actual well-being. But that
had changed. Those eyes radiated concern.
“I’ll look after him,” Vaysh
promised as he made his way over to the door. On his way over to Caeru’s sick
room, he would pick up his weapons. No attacker would take him by surprise.
Pellaz had been right in that aspect: Thiede had trained him well.
Looking exhausted, Pellaz
nodded once. “Thank you.” He hadn’t known who else to turn to. Vaysh was the
only har he would entrust Caeru’s life to.
Vaysh nodded in turn and
closed the door behind him. As he started to walk, his thoughts involuntarily
drifted off to the things he had heard lately. Apparently, Pellaz had exhausted
himself by healing Caeru’s gravest injuries and the Tigron had literally chased
off every har who had dared approach. Did that mean Pellaz had finally admitted
to himself that he cared about Caeru after all? Vaysh hoped so for it would
finally solidify and deepen the relationship between Tigron and Tigrina. Pellaz
had been in denial for much too long. Although Vaysh understood Pellaz’ twisted
way of thinking, he had never quite agreed with the way his friend had treated
Caeru. It was amazing how much humanity had survived in Pellaz.
What a tangled web they
had woven: Pellaz, Caeru, and Cal. It was amazing they hadn’t killed each
other, considering the past they shared. Vaysh shook his head and was unwilling
to dwell upon his own past which surfaced unintentionally. Pellaz had told Vaysh
that he had ordered Ashmael to leave when the other har had visited with Caeru.
Ashmael had complied and that fact
puzzled Vaysh. Had Ashmael somehow understood what Pellaz had been going
through?
Thinking of his former
chesnari was the wrong thing to do and Vaysh forced his thoughts away from
Ashmael. It was useless to dwell on a past that had died many years ago. He had
a job to do – one which Pellaz had entrusted to him and he wouldn’t fail his
friend. He vowed to keep the Tigrina safe.
~~~
Caeru was too exhausted to
pay Vaysh’s arrival much attention. Pellaz had told him that the red-haired har
would watch over him and Caeru had accepted that, although he didn’t believe he
was in any danger any more. The attacker had been after the pearl and Caeru had
been of little importance to the villain.
Closing the door behind
him, Vaysh scanned the room. Caeru’s bed and the medical equipment took up most
of the room. A chair stood next to the bed, where Pellaz doubtlessly had sat
working his healing and keeping his vigil. Caeru’s eyes were closed and Vaysh
felt no need to disturb the other har’s slumber.
Vaysh sat down on the
chair next to the bed. He doubted the assailant would make a second appearance.
It was obvious that the pearl had been the target and that Caeru had just been
the unfortunate har who had happened to host it.
His gray eyes focused on
Caeru’s torso and Vaysh’s features contorted briefly. The attacker had slashed
the pearl from the Tigrina’s body, and by doing that, had caused immense damage
to the other har. It would take weeks, if not months, for Caeru to recover.
That was *if* the other har still possessed the will to fight for full
recovery. Vaysh put himself in Caeru’s place and felt deeply for the other har,
who was now barren. Caeru had lost a precious pearl and Vaysh knew the other
har had to be hurting beyond measure. /I understand that you want to die. I
would feel the same way./
Vaysh’s thoughts brushed
against Caeru’s mind and the Tigrina slowed opened his eyes. Seeing Vaysh sit
there reminded him of something he had told Pellaz. When Pellaz had said that
Vaysh would sit with him, he had assumed it would be because Vaysh was barren,
but Pellaz had denied that. Now, Caeru couldn’t help but wonder if his
condition affected Vaysh’s emotional state, no matter in what small way.
“Vaysh…”
Hearing Caeru speak his
name made Vaysh lean in closer and his red hair tumbled down his shoulders. “I’ll
keep you safe. I promised Pellaz I would.” When he had accepted the assignment
he hadn’t thought he would feel some sort of connection to Caeru, but to his
surprise, he did. Maybe it was because they had something in common now. Both
of them were barren and had experienced great pain. Caeru’s abdomen had been
slashed open and the pearl taken, while Vaysh had been subjected to Thiede’s madness.
Something connected them now -- pain. “Are you in much pain?”
Caeru found the strength
to shake his head. “The medication… Pell’s healing…pain lessened,” he mumbled with
obvious effort. Sometimes he thought he was floating near the ceiling and could
see his traumatized body beneath him. What he saw didn’t look pretty. His flesh
was raw and his abdomen resembled a labyrinth of cuts and scarring.
Vaysh reached for the bottled
water and offered Caeru a drink. Caeru eyed the water greedily, but didn’t
raise a hand to reach for it. Belatedly, Vaysh realized that Caeru was still
too weak to help himself, so he exchanged his chair for the side of the bed. “I’ll
assist you.”
Caeru accepted the help
and allowed Vaysh to help him drink. He swallowed a few sips of water and then
felt drained once more. His eyes closed and he released a shuddering breath.
“Enough,” he muttered shakily.
Vaysh placed the bottle
aside and studied Caeru’s drained appearance. “You should sleep now.”
Caeru’s eyes fluttered
open and focused on Vaysh. /I didn’t know you made such a good nurse,/ he commented mentally since he was too tired to voice his
thoughts aloud. He hoped Vaysh wouldn’t mind communicating that way, but he
couldn’t be certain since they had never done so before.
“I have some experience,”
Vaysh replied while allowing the mind touch. He pulled up the blankets and
tucked them around the Tigrina’s form. They’d seldom had dealings in the past
and Vaysh barely knew Caeru personally. He only knew what Pellaz had told him
about the Tigrina.
/What kind of experience?/ Caeru was tired, but his mind was too awake to surrender
to sleep just yet. Dreadful memories tormented him and he hoped that Vaysh
would distract him.
Vaysh considered how much
he could tell the other har. Caeru knew nothing about Pellaz’ remaking and
maybe it would be good if he did. Maybe then Caeru would gain a better
understanding of Pellaz. “I took care of Pellaz in the beginning.”
Caeru’s eyes opened
further and begged Vaysh to continue. Any tale would serve to distract him away
from thoughts of the attack.
“After Thiede had remade
Pellaz, he was weak for some time. Physically and emotionally he was a mess and
Thiede assigned the task of taking care of him to me. I nursed him back to
health. He was in as much agony as you are now, Caeru.”
/It’s hard to imagine
Pellaz in any kind of pain,/ Caeru shared in mind
touch.
Vaysh leaned in closer and
cocked his head as he gazed into Caeru’s blue eyes. “Pellaz feels pain as much
as you do. However, Thiede trained him to hide that pain and Orien did the same
thing before him. Pellaz was conditioned in a way that makes it nearly
impossible for him to express his emotions in public. He even finds it hard to
show his feelings when it is just me close.” Showing that he possessed vast
knowledge about Pellaz, Vaysh added, “Orien once told him to never cry in
public. Pellaz always obeyed that order. Only lately has he begun to realize that
keeping his pain to himself causes him to hurt more. He is learning that there
are different ways to handle emotions.”
Caeru listened with
fascination. During the few minutes with Vaysh, he had learned more about
Pellaz than he had ever heard from the Tigron himself. Pellaz always guarded
his emotions and privacy well – too well. Vaysh himself was also a mystery to
Caeru, and under normal circumstances he would have loved to question the other
har, but these weren’t normal circumstances and he felt weary. /I need to sleep./
“Then rest. I’ll stay.”
Vaysh leaned back in his chair and Caeru’s eyes closed again. He would do his
best to keep the Tigrina safe.
~~~
Vaysh startled awake
sometime during the night. It wasn’t because of an intruder: he didn’t sense a
foreign presence and quickly realized it was Caeru who had woken him. The other
har was thrashing on the bed and sobbing. The dimmed light enabled him to see
Caeru’s features and he found that the other har’s face was wet with tears.
Unable to emotionally distance himself from the injured Tigrina, Vaysh sat down
on the bed and gently stroked Caeru’s face. “Wake up,
you’re having a bad dream.” It wasn’t hard to guess what that nightmare was
about. Without a doubt it featured the attack Caeru had suffered.
Caeru however didn’t react
and Vaysh knew he had to find a way to reach the injured har before the
Tigrina’s tossing would add to his injuries. Mentally, he reached out. /Rue,
wake up. You’re having a nightmare. You’re safe./ Normally
he would never call the Tigrina that nickname. Only Pell, and lately Cal did,
but Vaysh hoped the tactic worked and would pull Caeru from his nightmares. It did
and Caeru’s eyes opened. Vaysh flinched at seeing the anguish in them. “You had
a nightmare.”
Caeru couldn’t stop
sobbing and yelped when he realized that it wasn’t Pell sitting there, but
Vaysh, who was practically a stranger. He wanted Pell close, not Vaysh!
“I’m sorry that it’s just
me,” Vaysh murmured and considered putting more distance between them, but then
Caeru’s pain-filled moans reached him and he found he couldn’t turn his back on
the injured har. “Is there anything I can do?”
Caeru
knew better than to ask for Pellaz’ presence by his bed. If the other har had wanted to keep him company he
would have been there. But Vaysh *was* there and at the moment, Vaysh was all
he had. /I don’t know,/ he sent, hoping that somehow
Vaysh *did* know.
Vaysh wasn’t a tactile
har. Most of the time, he did his best to limit any physical contact, but in a
way, Caeru reminded him of himself and of how he had been after Thiede had
discarded him. He had been hurting back then and had felt lonely. He would have
sold his soul to have had a har at his bedside to hold his hand back then. /Don’t
think of Ash, just don’t,/ he warned himself.
Caeru would have held his
breath if the action hadn’t caused more pressure on his already hurting torso.
What would Vaysh do? The other har had the reputation of being icy and distant
and had never been known to reach out to someone. Was that going to change now?
Unexpectedly, Vaysh’s right hand moved toward his and the next thing Caeru felt
was cool fingers curled around his. Vaysh was actually holding his hand! This
development baffled him and he momentarily forgot the trauma he had recently
suffered.
/Thank
you. I understand that this isn’t easy on you either./
Vaysh’s expression suddenly changed and Caeru wondered if he had said something
wrong. But Vaysh didn’t pull away and instead squeezed his fingers. /I know
nothing about you… Will you tell me?/
“Not now. You need to
rest.” Vaysh had no intention of sharing his past with Caeru. The fewer hara
who knew about his past, the better!
~~~
Pellaz visited while Caeru
was still asleep. Vaysh offered to wake the injured har, but Pellaz waved the
offer away. “It’s important he rests. Don’t wake him on my account.” The Tigron
seated himself on the side of the bed and fingered a strand of Caeru’s hair.
“How’s he doing?”
“He’s been having
nightmares,” Vaysh replied, keeping his distance since Pellaz had returned to the
Tigrina’s side. “He’s lonely.”
“I wish I could spend more
time with him,” Pellaz said as he caressed Caeru’s face. “But
But that had been
different back then. He had been a different har. In the past, Vaysh had been
able to keep his emotional distance and had nursed Pellaz back to health because
it had been his duty. But Pellaz had changed him. The other har had made him
aware of the fact that he wasn’t as dead inside as he had always thought.
Pellaz had re-awoken certain feelings in him and that worked to his
disadvantage now. Back then, he had been able to lock out Pellaz’ suffering, but
now, he couldn’t lock out Caeru’s. Pellaz had changed that.
“Vaysh?” Frowning, Pellaz rose from the bed and approached
his friend and confidant. Vaysh was the one har he had always been able to
count on, regardless of the circumstances he had found himself in. “What’s
wrong with you?” The expression in the gray eyes was one he had never seen
before. Vaysh looked wounded – almost ensnared.
“Nothing’s wrong,” Vaysh
replied a little too quickly.
Pellaz didn’t believe him,
but let it go. He had more important matters on his mind than Vaysh’s emotional
state, like finding
Vaysh swallowed hard.
Pellaz had no idea what he was asking him, but Vaysh knew better than to tell
the Tigron no, especially at this moment. “I’ll do everything I can.”
“Good. I’m counting on
you, Vaysh. Be there for Rue because I can’t.” Pellaz gave Caeru another concerned
look and then turned around. He exited the room and left Caeru in Vaysh’s care.
~~~
When Caeru awoke, the
first thing he became aware of was the fact that Vaysh was holding his hand. /You
stayed,/ he murmured, still feeling too weary to speak
aloud. /How long have you been here now?/ He had no
idea how much time had passed since the last time they had talked.
“Two days now,” Vaysh
replied and squeezed Caeru’s fingers lightly. “Sheeva visited earlier and urged
me to see to it that you eat and drink. Can you sit up?”
/I don’t know. I don’t
feel that strong./
“I’ll help you. Tell me if
it hurts.” Vaysh carefully pulled Caeru into an upright position and monitored
the other har closely. “Give me a moment,” he said and placed some pillows
against the headboard so the injured har could recline. “Better?” Caeru nodded
his head and Vaysh sat down on the bed so he was closer to the injured har. “Do
you think you can eat?” Sheeva had had soup delivered earlier.
/I’ll try./ Caeru had no appetite, but would try to eat the soup.
Vaysh helped him and he managed to swallow a few sips. Caeru closed his eyes
and tried hard not to dwell on his injured abdomen. /How bad is it?/ he asked eventually when he failed to put the matter out
of his mind.
“I haven’t looked. You
should give yourself time to heal.” Vaysh put the nearly empty bowl aside and
placed a glass filled with water at Caeru’s lips. “Drink.”
Caeru complied, but the
mere act drained him and he wanted to go back to sleep again.
“Pellaz was here while you
were asleep.” Vaysh thought it would aid Caeru’s recovery if the other har knew
that Pellaz hadn’t forgotten about him. Caeru opened his eyes and locked gazes
with him. The expression in the blue eyes told him that Caeru hungered for more
information. “He wanted to know how you were doing and he asked me to look
after you. He wants to be there for you, but…
/The pearl… I never wanted
to host it, not really./ Caeru hadn’t wanted to admit
it to Vaysh, but it had somehow slipped out.
Curious, Vaysh inched
closer. “Is it true? Did both Cal and Pellaz create it?”
Caeru didn’t really want
to discuss that part, but since he had addressed the matter himself, he felt
that Vaysh had the right to inquire about it. /Yes, they did./
Caeru had felt special and loved when the three of them had taken aruna. Both
Pell and Cal had been caring and sweet and the pearl had been made in love and
acceptance. But later on, Caeru had started to wonder if they had done the
right thing.
Vaysh sensed he should
stop pressuring Caeru and backed down. “I’m certain Pell will find the pearl.
If anyone can, it’s him.”
Since he was still
reclining against the pillows it was easy for Caeru to study Vaysh’s face. /Why
are you still here? Is it just because Pell asked you to?/
Vaysh didn’t know what
answer Caeru wanted to hear and decided to be completely honest. “Yes, I’m here
because Pellaz asked me to.” Seeing an unreadable look in Caeru’s eyes, he
quickly added, “I’m glad he asked me. I think it’s
right for me to be here.”
Caeru wondered once more
about Vaysh and he hoped that the other har would one day tell him his story,
just like Vaysh had said he would.
~~~
“You can’t move back to
your rooms just yet. You need to stay here for at least two more days.” Tigrina
or not, Sheeva was putting his foot down. One thing he didn’t want to face was
the Tigron’s wrath because he hadn’t taken good care of Caeru.
“I agree,” Vaysh said
while enduring the vile look Caeru gave him. The Tigrina could do little but
glare at him since Caeru was still bed-ridden. Not that he would have felt
intimidated if Caeru had tried a different means to make him comply.
“Well…I…don’t!” Caeru had
regained some of his vigor and had found the strength to speak aloud. When it
was just Vaysh and him though, he preferred to use mind touch since it was less
draining. But at the moment, he wanted both Sheeva and Vaysh to know that that he
wanted out. Being locked up in this facility was driving him mad!
“You must be patient a
little longer. If you continue to recover I’ll let you leave the day after
tomorrow,” Sheeva said. “And that’s final.” The har left the room, thinking it
wise not to agitate Caeru any further. After all, he wanted the other har to
heal and not deteriorate.
Caeru gave Vaysh a mocking
glare. /You could have backed me up!/
Vaysh shook his head. “I
agree with Sheeva. You’re far from healed. Your abdomen was slashed open and…”
/You don’t have to remind
me!/ Caeru screamed the words into Vaysh’s mind and
the red-haired har involuntarily took a few steps away from the bed. /I’m
sorry. I didn’t want to scream at you… It’s just…it hurts…I lost the pearl…/
Vaysh flinched. He had
never lost a pearl. He had lost his fertility. “You already delivered a pearl
and you have a harling. Pellaz will find the second pearl and return it to you.
I know he will.”
Caeru frowned as he sensed
something odd inside Vaysh’s mind and tried to label the sensation, but the
emotion was too transparent and by the next moment, Vaysh had put up barriers
in his mind so Caeru couldn’t explore any further. Had it something to do with
the fact that he had lost the pearl? /I’m tired,/ Caeru
sent. /I need to rest./ The truth was that he needed
to think about the matter. What had he sensed in Vaysh’s mind just now?
“Yes, you should.” Caeru
had calmed down since his outburst and Vaysh judged it safe to seat himself
next to the bed on the chair again. “Caeru?” Caeru
looked at Vaysh questioningly and the red-haired har said, “I’m really sorry
you lost the pearl.”
Caeru wanted to explore the
matter further, but first he needed to get his strength back. For now, he carefully
filed Vaysh’s words away. He would find out their true meaning in time.
~~~
Vaysh was lulled into
sleep and in his sleep, he journeyed back in time, back to those dreadful days
when Thiede had taken him and had tried to make him into his Tigron. Vaysh had
never wanted for it to happen, but Thiede had proceeded at any rate. There had
been no way of stopping the powerful har, and every so often, Vaysh relived the
painful transformation in his dreams, causing him to groan in remembered
anguish.
Caeru woke because Vaysh’s
sleep was restless. The blond har blinked and then fixed his gaze upon the troubled
har who was moving restlessly on the chair. Vaysh’s lips moved and the red-haired
har raised his hands as if to defend himself. “No, don’t… I don’t want you to… Ash!”
Caeru frowned. The first
bit had been uttered in a pleading tone, as if Vaysh was trying to fight somehar off. The second part had definitely been a call for
help. For some reason Vaysh believed Ashmael would help him. Caeru never
wondered if Ash was Ashmael, he simply accepted it as a fact. /What’s your
connection with Ashmael?/ he wondered, intrigued. And
who had Vaysh been pleading with in the first place?
He knew very little of
Vaysh. Vaysh was ‘Pellaz’ lap dog’ as somehar of the
Hegemony had once formulated it. Wherever Pellaz was, Vaysh was as well. Vaysh was a shadow, body-guard, Advisor, and probably Pellaz’ only
true confidant. Vaysh wielded his own power, although the har himself
would never admit to that. Caeru expected the nightmare to pass, but it didn’t,
and Vaysh grew even more agitated.
Like Vaysh had done
before, Caeru reached out and brushed against Vaysh’s mind in the hope that the
other har’s barriers were down. /Vaysh, it is me, Rue, wake up./ Swimming in Vaysh’s mind, the chaotic texture of it
overwhelmed him. A har’s mind normally was well-organized, but Vaysh’s was
nothing like that. Caeru was sucked in and felt like he was about to drown. He
seriously considered pulling back, but then reminded himself that Vaysh had
also persisted the other day and he could do nothing less. /Vaysh, wake up. I
need you!/ He hoped that by addressing Vaysh’s sense
of responsibility he would get the other har to wake up.
Vaysh startled awake and
his large eyes instantly met Caeru’s. The last thing he remembered was hearing
‘I need you’. “What’s wrong?” He flipped back his hair, which had turned moist
from sweat and wiped at his brow. He felt warm and feverish and would have
loved to retire to his rooms to curl up on his bed and shut the world out.
“You had a bad dream. I
couldn’t reach you at first, so I tried a different approach.” Caeru managed to
push himself upright and noticed Vaysh’s panicked expression. “You called out
for…” Ashmael’s name died on his lips as he saw Vaysh’s frightened look. Why
frightened, he wondered?
Vaysh erected his barriers
anew and tried to establish some emotional distance between them. “I’ll stay
awake from this moment on. I won’t fall asleep again.”
Caeru recognized the
defense mechanisms which slammed into place. He used similar ones and one of
them was using his sharp tongue to keep other hara from getting close to him.
Vaysh hid behind a mask of his own – one of detachment. “I don’t mind. You
helped me escape my nightmare the other night.”
“I’m here to watch over
and protect you. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep.” Vaysh got to his feet and paced
the room like a caged animal. Had he really called out for Ashmael? And to make
matters even worse, Caeru had heard him! Had he given away his secret?
“Vaysh, sit down.” Caeru’s
voice carried authority, but he wasn’t certain the other har would obey. In the
past, Vaysh had made it all too clear that he only answered to Pellaz.
Vaysh looked at Caeru and
tried to glare at him, but failed when he saw how much the other har was still
hurting. Vaysh returned and sat down on his chair. “I’d rather not talk about
the matter.”
/I understand that, but
maybe you should./ Caeru wiggled his fingers and hoped
Vaysh understood. Vaysh didn’t disappoint him and curled his fingers around his
hand. /I won’t pressure you into telling me. I respect your privacy just as you
respected mine, but I want you to know that you have a listening ear if you
need to unburden your soul./
“My soul,” Vaysh replied
bitterly. “I lost my soul years ago.”
Caeru wondered if that was
a sign Vaysh wanted to talk after all. /When?/
Vaysh stood at a
crossroads, he sensed it clearly. He had never really confided in someone. Yes,
he had told Pellaz bits and pieces, but he had never told somehar
everything that had happened to him. Was Caeru the har he could entrust his
history too? Did he want to? “I lost my soul when Thiede killed me.”
Caeru blinked. That wasn’t
the answer he had expected to hear. “What?” His eyes widened and he stared at
Vaysh in shock.
“You heard correctly.
Thiede…” Vaysh momentarily faltered. “But that’s the wrong part to start my
story with. It starts long before that.”
/You’re going to tell me?/ Caeru found it hard to believe that Vaysh had decided to trust
him.
“Why not? Somehar should know
everything that happened.” But before he started his tale he needed a drink.
Regretting that no sheh was close, he had to settle for the herbal tea that
Sheeva had left behind. “Do you want some too?” he asked as he poured himself a
cup. Caeru nodded his head and Vaysh poured the Tigrina some tea as well. He
returned to his chair and handed Caeru the cup. It pleased him to see that the
other har had recovered enough to curl his fingers around the cup and drink
unaided.
/Start at the beginning?/ Caeru requested.
“The
beginning?” Vaysh gave Caeru a
bitter look. “It all started when a beautiful har came into town one day. He
looked like an angel with his long, blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. My
family was rich and we lived in luxury. I was a spoiled brat, to be honest.”
Vaysh sipped his tea and watched how Caeru made himself
more comfortable.
“I was very naive back
then. I seldom ventured outside. I had private tutors and few friends. My
parents desperately wanted to protect me from the world and because they were
rich, they managed to do so for a long time. But then the world started to fall
apart around us and there were rumors of ‘creatures’ that roamed the earth. Creatures, which were as beautiful as they were cruel and I quickly
surmised that this stranger was one of them. I wanted to see for myself.”
Caeru blinked. He found it
hard to imagine Vaysh as a human youngster who had been raised in such a
protective environment.
“I snuck out of the house
one night and found him and several of his ‘followers’ beneath a bridge. They
flocked around him. All he had to do to keep them docile was smile at them. I
had hidden myself between the rubble and hoped to remain undetected, but he
sensed my presence and looked me right in the eye. What I saw in his eyes scared
me and I ran all the way home. I vowed to stay indoors from that moment on
because I had sensed that he would change my life if we were to ever meet
again. He was dangerous.” Vaysh laughed bitterly again. “Ash has always been
dangerous, although his claws lost some of their sharpness these last few
years.”
/It was Ashmael who came
to your town then?/ Fascinated, Caeru sipped his tea.
“Yes, he had been incepted
a few months before that and was looking to establish a tribe, creating more
hara as he crossed the land. I didn’t know it at the time, but the moment he
looked at me, he had set his mind on adding me to his collection of adorers.”
Vaysh closed his eyes and thought back to that time. “I never found out how he
managed to get past the watchmen, or the dogs, but the next evening, he was in
my rooms. He didn’t speak, he just looked at me with those eyes of his and I
went weak in the knees. I fainted. When I woke up again, I wasn’t at home
anymore. I was at his shelter beneath the bridge. I don’t remember what
happened then in detail. I was scared and excited at the same time.
I do remember lying on the
cold ground and this golden angel towering over me. I felt entranced --
hypnotized – and couldn’t move my body. I was his prisoner in so many ways…
There were no rituals for me. I didn’t know what to expect, and when he incepted
me, I was totally unprepared for the transformation which followed. There was
blood and then pain came… Ash remained at my side through it all. I still hear
him whispering soothing words into my ear. He held me in his arms and rocked me
until I was ready to take aruna with him.
And then the pain changed
into pleasure. I was soume for him and we fit perfectly. I was still too much
of a child to understand what he was doing – how he had changed me. I only knew
that I belonged to him from that moment on, and by the Aghama, I wanted to
belong to him!”
Vaysh drew in a deep
breath and looked at his hands. He saw that they were shaking and quickly set
his cup aside. Reluctantly, he sought out Caeru’s eyes. “I must admit that I
was thrilled to be with Ash once I had made my peace with my changed status.
Ash and I… We quickly became chesna and we forsook all others. We only took
aruna together and were never tempted to seek pleasure elsewhere. The other
hara we encountered and traveled with thought of us as freaks for a while since
we refused to take aruna with the hara who fancied us. One night, somehar decided he wanted to take aruna with me and I
rejected him. He reacted violently and tried to force himself on me.”
Vaysh opened his eyes,
since he didn’t want to remember that scene in detail. “You should have seen
Ashmael when he happened upon us. He came close to killing that har. In the
end, the tribe decided we couldn’t stay with them and they left without us. Ash
and I didn’t mind though. We had located a deserted cottage and were going to
live there. We were perfectly happy – for a short time.”
The ease with which Vaysh
told his story amazed Caeru. He had expected the other har to put up some sort
of fight, but Vaysh was eager to continue.
“We lived there for two
years. Had we known back then how easy it was to create a pearl, we would have
done so. But we were children in a new world and understood little of the
concept of Wraeththu. We thought that aruna was the ultimate fulfillment and
never tried to take our joining to the next level.”
Since he had reached his
most painful memories, Vaysh wasn’t sure he could continue. To his surprise,
Caeru suddenly reached out to him and curled his fingers around his. With this
show of compassion Vaysh found the strength to continue.
“Thiede killed me. He put
a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. He didn’t do it himself, of course. He
used some vagabond humans to do the deed for him, but it was Thiede who made
them do it… I died in Ash’s arms.” Vaysh paused, uncertain if he could or
wanted to continue.
/You have come so far.
Don’t stop now./ Vaysh had kept all this inside for a
long time and it needed out.
“After I died, Thiede
tried to remake me, but the process didn’t work. I didn’t turn out as he expected.
He burned me on the inside. I’m barren and became useless to him. He made me
Pellaz’ confidant and for that I’m grateful. Pellaz gave me a reason to live.”
He wasn’t going to share any details of his remaking with Caeru. That would be
too painful.
Caeru sensed how wounded
Vaysh still was after all these years and would have liked to question Vaysh
some more regarding the things Thiede had done in order to remake him, but he
didn’t want to push Vaysh that far. The other har wasn’t ready for that yet. /I’m
barren too,/ he supplied, hoping it would build a
bridge between them. /We should stick together./
“Maybe.” Vaysh still felt dazed that he had told Caeru so
much. He shouldn’t have… There was no way of knowing what the Tigrina would do
with this newly acquired knowledge once Caeru went back to his scheming ways. Vaysh
suddenly regretted confiding in Caeru and grew angry with himself.
What had gotten into him to tell Caeru his life’s tale?
Caeru didn’t need to read
Vaysh’s mind to know what the other har was thinking. /I’ll keep this to
myself. Your history’s safe with me./
Vaysh shrugged his
shoulders once and then raised his head to meet Caeru’s gaze. “What are you
going to do with this knowledge?”
Caeru caressed the back of
Vaysh’s hand with his fingertips. /You put your trust in me. I’m not going to
betray that. Don’t think that little of me./
Vaysh’s emotions were very
close to the surface and he felt like he could burst out into tears at any
moment. “Whatever you do, don’t talk to Ash about any of this! Promise me!”
Caeru’s first reaction was
to promise Vaysh to never approach Ashmael, but then he reconsidered. He used
up the last remnants of his strength when he pulled Vaysh close so he could
study those swimming eyes when he asked, “Do you love him still?”
Vaysh’s heart raced and he
tried to free himself of Caeru’s restricting hold, but then he grew motionless.
Caeru was injured and Vaysh couldn’t risk pulling away. “Don’t ask me that!”
His voice dripped with venom.
But Caeru didn’t buy the
act. /Be honest with
Caeru’s blue eyes flashed,
signaling that he expected Vaysh to answer his question and, for a moment,
Vaysh considered shrugging the injured har off and running away. But then he
managed to compose himself again. “Do you still love Pellaz after everything he
did to you?”
Caeru took the blow in
stride. Vaysh was wounded on the inside and that pain was making him lash out.
Caeru understood about lashing out. He had done so often in the past because he
was hurting inside. /You do. You love him still./
Vaysh stared at Caeru.
“What do you want from me? I told you what you wanted to know. Let me go now!”
But Caeru shook his head.
He didn’t know how much longer he could keep this up, but he had to try. He
would pay for abusing his strength later. /Why don’t you talk to Ashmael then?
Make him understand what happened to you?/ The look
Vaysh gave him chilled Caeru on the inside. There was so much death, so much
hatred and pain in that stare that it made him gasp for air.
“Don’t you understand? I’m
dead where Ash is concerned! The old Vaysh whom Ash had loved died in his arms.
I’m a shell. I’m nothing like I was before Thiede took me. I’m…” A look of
confusion shot through Vaysh’s eyes. “I don’t know who I am anymore. Or what I
am. I simply am. I carry out Pellaz’ wishes… I vegetate… Part of me is dead.”
Caeru begged to differ
however. /Vaysh, you need to stop seeing yourself as the victim. Yes, what
Thiede did was awful and he wrecked your life. But that doesn’t mean you can’t
have your life back. You have to take it back! You’re alive and so is Ashmael.
If you really love him, then you should go after him and make him see that the
two of you can be together again!/
Having drained himself
with that speech, Caeru’s hand glided away from Vaysh’s as he panted softly.
The mere act of speaking to Vaysh with his mind had drained him, but he wasn’t
done yet. /Vaysh, Ashmael doesn’t have a chesnari. He takes aruna occasionally
with Cobweb, if the rumors are true, but they are not chesna! Ashmael hasn’t
been chesna with anyhar! Did it ever occur to you that he’s waiting for you?/
But Vaysh shook his head
vehemently. “I have nothing left to offer Ashmael. The past is just that.”
/You’re fooling yourself,
Vaysh./ Caeru closed his eyes and wished he had more
stamina for he wanted to finish this conversation properly. /Vaysh, you went
through hell and you survived the ordeal. You’re different, yes, but you’re also
strong!/
Vaysh’s eyes, which had
been swimming, released their tears. “There’s no strength left in me, Caeru. It
died a long time ago.”
Caeru opened his eyes and
wished he had the strength to wrap his arms around the other har so he could
comfort him. /Vaysh, you’re as strong as you allow yourself to be. You
convinced yourself that you’re weak. You took the easy way out. Don’t you owe
Ashmael, and yourself, to try again?/
Vaysh leaned back into the
comfort of his chair and repeatedly shook his head. “You’re wrong. There’s
nothing left of me. Thiede burned
~~~
Ashmael entered Pellaz’
private rooms and advanced on the other har. It never ceased to amaze Ashmael
how Pellaz had managed to find a way into his heart. When they had first met,
he had been determined to hate the usurper, but instead, they had become
friends. He quickly looked about, searching for the shadow that always lurked
close.
He would never forget the
moment he had come face to face with Vaysh all those years ago. He had thought
his former chesnari dead and then Vaysh had appeared out of nowhere. His heart
had stopped beating for a long minute as he had looked into those familiar
eyes. The things which had first registered with him back then had been the red
hair, the other har’s pale complexion, and the sheer terror that had spread
over the graceful features.
Since then, Ashmael had
made it a point to avoid dealing with Vaysh, but because the other har was
Pellaz’ confidant, he ran into his former chesnari regularly. Whenever he did,
an uncomfortable distance would form between them and chills would run down his
spine.
Pellaz looked up and waved
Ashmael closer. “I didn’t know you would visit with me today.” He had been lost
in thought, trying to find a way to locate
“How’s the Tigrina?”
Ashmael seated himself opposite Pellaz and noticed the drained expression in
the Tigron’s eyes. Pellaz hid his emotions most of the time, but at the present,
some of Pellaz’ sadness remained at the surface. It was a rare occurrence for
the Tigron to let some of his emotions show.
“He’ll live.” Pellaz
straightened the folds of his garment. “Vaysh’s guarding him.” Eager to direct
Ashmael’s scrutiny away from his person, he added, “Thiede trained Vaysh well.
Rue’s quite safe with him.” He wasn’t being cruel on purpose. He just didn’t
want Ashmael to pry in his feelings.
Ashmael managed to repress
the flinch that threatened to shake his frame. Pellaz had brought up Vaysh to
unbalance him. “He’ll do his job and keep the Tigrina safe.”
Pellaz suddenly felt tired
of all the games they played. It didn’t matter which har he was dealing with,
there was always a certain amount of manipulation and scheming going on. He
wanted to do away with it. Caeru had gotten hurt because of it and Pellaz
didn’t want to go with the charade. “I have wanted to talk to you about Vaysh
for a long time.”
Ashmael’s steel-blue eyes
remained locked with Pellaz’ and didn’t blink. “There’s nothing to discuss.” He
didn’t know Pellaz’ motives for bringing this matter up, but he was going to
nip it in the bud. They weren’t going to discuss Vaysh!
Pellaz reached for a glass
of sheh and took a sip. He pulled his knees close to his chest and let the
glass balance on his right knee. His fingers were tightly wrapped around the
base of the glass, and looking at Ashmael through the liquid, the other har’s
features became distorted. “He told me that he died in your arms. Is that
true?”
“Vaysh never lies!”
Ashmael barked. Too late he realized that Pellaz had managed to hit a nerve
after all.
“I died in
Ashmael got to his feet
and walked toward the doorway. “I’m not discussing this with you.”
Pellaz nodded his head.
“True, you should discuss this with Vaysh first.”
Ashmael suddenly spun
around and glared at Pellaz. “He doesn’t want to talk to me, remember? You told
me so yourself!”
Pellaz closed his eyes and
his features contorted. “I lied.”
Ashmael’s eyes widened.
“You lied?” He must have misheard!
“I lied when I said that Vaysh
didn’t want to talk to you. I didn’t want the two of you to talk back then. I
wanted to keep Vaysh to myself. I didn’t want to share.”
Ashmael continued to stare
at Pellaz in shock. The Tigron looked innocent enough, but Ashmael knew the
amount of scheming Pellaz was capable of when the situation called for it. “You
lied to me?”
Pellaz opened his eyes and
nodded. “In fact, Vaysh was eager to talk to you.”
Ashmael blinked. He
couldn’t believe what he had just heard. “That’s not true! You’re lying, though
the reason why eludes me!”
Pellaz slowly pushed
himself to his feet. He didn’t attempt to approach Ashmael though and just
remained standing there. “I’m sorry I lied to you back then. I want to make
amends now… Let me.” Ever since he had admitted his feelings for Caeru to
himself, a change had come over him.
“Stay out of my affairs,
Pellaz.” Ashmael was furious and slammed the door closed behind him. His
thoughts spun in different directions and his emotions were getting out of
control. He needed to take back control! Ashmael marched down the corridor. He
didn’t know where he was going. He just needed to get away from Pellaz.
~~~
Ashmael made it back to
his rooms and collapsed onto the nearest chair. He still had a hard time
believing the things Pellaz had told him. Could it be true? Could it be that
Vaysh *had* wanted to talk to him and that Pellaz had sabotaged that attempt?
Pellaz could be possessive at times, that much was true. But would he be *that*
selfish to keep them apart on purpose?
His head spun and he
massaged his temples. He felt numb, yet at the same time, every emotion he was
capable of was raging through his mind. Until that moment, Ashmael had refused
to consider the possibility of Vaysh and him discussing their situation. They
had lived in limbo for the last few years and, although he had tried, he had
failed to make peace with his past.
Leaning his head back
against the comfort of the chair, he closed his eyes. It was easy to remember
how Vaysh had looked the first time they had taken aruna. Back then, the red
hair had been blond and those eyes had been filled with love for him. He had
taken Vaysh away from a safe home where he had been pampered and had thrust Vaysh
into a world in which they were nomads. They had traveled for a long time and
had eventually made their home in that little cottage. They had been perfectly
happy for two short years and then…
Then a shot had shattered
their peace and everything had ended. A group of humans had attacked their home
and one of them had shot Vaysh. Ashmael had instantly known that Vaysh was lost
and had taken his rage out on the humans. He had killed all five of them and
had saved Vaysh’s murderer for last. The moment he had placed his hands around
the human’s neck to squeeze the air out of him, the eyes of the human had
cleared and Ashmael had wondered about the strange expression in them. The
human had looked stunned.
Only after running into
Vaysh when he was visiting Pellaz had he finally been able to put all the
pieces of the puzzle together. Talking to
Ashmael allowed for the
whole truth to sink in, and his hands, which had been relaxed a moment ago,
became fists. Thiede had killed Vaysh, had brought him back to life, and had
then created this caricature of his former chesnari. The only problem was that
he could never call the Aghama on his actions. Thiede was too powerful. So what
*could* he do?
He could talk to Vaysh,
but when that happened, he wanted it to happen on his terms and no one was
going to interfere with their discussion. Not Pellaz and certainly not Thiede!
~~~
Vaysh had turned quiet
after their conversation the other night and Caeru didn’t pressure him into
talking. He accepted that the red-haired har needed time to come to terms with
the fact that his secret was out. Caeru however hoped that when the time was
right, Vaysh would continue to confide in him.
“You look better today,”
Sheeva said when he checked on the Tigrina’s injuries. “If you continue to
improve like this, I’ll allow you to return to your rooms
tomorrow evening.”
Caeru accepted that he had
to stay another day and didn’t object. He waited for Sheeva to leave and, once
they were alone again, he turned his head to study Vaysh’s expression. The
other har appeared lost in thought and Caeru surmised Vaysh was thinking about
Ashmael. He was tempted to address the matter again, but then reminded himself
not to pressure Vaysh. “Do you think Pell will visit with me any time soon?” He
had regained enough strength to speak aloud and no longer needed to use mind
touch in order to communicate with Vaysh.
“Do you want me to find
him?”
Caeru shook his head. “I
prefer for him to come to me because he wants to see me. Not because he’s
pressured into visiting me.” Vaysh hovered near the doorway and looked nervous.
“Vaysh, sit with me.”
Vaysh drew in a deep
breath and complied. He seated himself on the chair next to the bed and looked
Caeru in the eye. “Pellaz loves you, you know, in his own way.”
Caeru managed a weak
smile. “I would like to believe that… But I don’t think he does.”
Vaysh cocked his head. “He
saved your life, didn’t he?”
“But he refused to tell me
why.” Caeru reached for his tea and sipped. He *was* improving and for that he
was grateful. He felt useless since he was bedridden and feared he might lose
some of the power which he wielded as Tigrina.
Vaysh wanted to comfort
Caeru and tried to convince him. “I have seen the expression in his eyes
change. Whenever he looks at you now or speaks about you, his expression is
soft and caring. He realized that he loves you still when he faced losing you.”
Caeru wanted to protest
Vaysh’s observation, but then the door opened and Pellaz stood in the doorway. Vaysh
looked over his shoulder and the words he had wanted to speak froze on his
lips. A wicked gleam appeared in Vaysh’s eyes and he hoped he would get a
chance to make both hara admit their feelings for each other. Maybe not right
now, but in the end.
“I hope I’m not disturbing
your rest?” Pellaz wasn’t certain he should continue his visit. Visiting Caeru
had seemed a good idea at the time, but now he was wondering what had made him
come there. /It’s just because I’m worried. He almost died…/
“You’re not disturbing anything!”
Vaysh rose from his chair and offered it to Pellaz.
Pellaz wanted to dismiss
the offer, but realized it would be rude if he did. So he seated himself and
tried to keep eye contact with Caeru to a minimum.
Vaysh took a few steps
away from them and busied himself making tea. That way he hoped they would feel
‘safe’ enough to talk freely.
Pellaz stopped himself
from fumbling with the fabric of his sleeve. He was strangely nervous now that
he was facing Caeru. “You look better,” he offered eventually. He peeked at
Caeru from beneath his long eyelashes.
“I feel stronger…thanks to
you.” Caeru wasn’t sure how to react to this mellow Pellaz. “I’m surprised
you’re visiting.”
Pellaz wished he knew how
to handle this situation better. He felt strangely vulnerable and lost. “I
visited before, but you were asleep back then.”
Caeru nodded. “Vaysh told
me.”
Pellaz glanced at Vaysh
and offered his friend a grateful smile. “Thank you for sitting with Caeru.”
Vaysh nodded and then looked away, forcing Pellaz to direct his attention back
to the Tigrina. “I’m sorry that I can’t visit more often, but…
Caeru looked at Pellaz as
he searched for the right words and truly saw the other har for the very first
time. Instead of the insanely handsome har he always used to see when he looked
at Pellaz, he saw a confused har who was trying so hard to do his best that it
was killing him inside. Until that moment, Caeru had never really understood
how high a price Pellaz paid for being Tigron. “Pell, it’s
okay,” he interrupted the stuttering har. Pellaz’ expression changed and Caeru
noticed how relieved the other har looked. “I understand.” He really
understood. Being Tigron demanded much of Pellaz’ time and
energy.
Pellaz inched closer and
stared at Caeru’s hand which rested above the sheet. Caeru could tell that
Pellaz wanted to make contact, but the Tigron was afraid to reach out. That
realization stunned him: Pellaz was actually worried that he would be rejected.
Caeru took the first step and placed his hand atop of Pellaz’.
Pellaz looked up sharply and
Caeru cringed at the trapped expression that appeared in the other har’s eyes.
“Are you afraid of me?” It was an insane question, but one Caeru felt he had to
ask.
Pellaz almost snatched his
hand away, but in the end, he successfully fought that urge. He had come there
for a reason: he wanted to face his demons and look them in the eye. “Maybe.”
Caeru gave Pellaz a look
filled with disbelief. “But why?”
Pellaz sighed. Caeru was
going to make him explain himself. “Rue, must I…?”
Caeru determinedly nodded
his head. “You owe me an answer. Why didn’t you let me die? Why did you fight
to keep me alive? I deserve an answer, Pell.”
“You *do* deserve an
answer. I’m just not sure I can give you one. I don’t understand any of this
myself.”
“Be honest, Pell. Stop
playing games.”
Caeru’s words shocked
Pellaz. “I don’t want to play any games.” But manipulating and scheming had
become second nature to him throughout the years and being honest and open was
hard.
Caeru’s expression
softened and he rubbed Pellaz’ fingers. “Then don’t.”
Pellaz swallowed hard.
“That isn’t as easy as it sounds.” But he was going to try. “Rue, I care about
you…” That was the first step and all he was capable of at the moment.
Vaysh smiled at hearing
that admission. “You *care* about me.” Caeru smiled
and rubbed the knuckles of Pellaz’ hand. He knew how to read between the lines
and understood what the other har was trying to say.
“I know that’s hard to
believe, considering the way I have treated you in the past.” Pellaz paled and
he lowered his gaze. “I never wanted to hurt you on purpose.”
“You wanted to hurt
yourself because you felt like you betrayed
Pellaz’ pallor increased
and his hand, which rested in-between Caeru’s fingers, trembled. “You nailed
that one, Rue. I’m sorry you got hurt in the process.”
Caeru was still too weak
to leave the bed, but he could pull Pellaz closer. Pellaz didn’t protest and
moved until he sat on the side of the bed. Guilt was written all over the other
har’s face – guilt and shame. “We have been through a lot, Pell, and if some
good comes out of all that pain, it was worth it, don’t you think so?” Pellaz’
hand shook in his and Caeru risked it all when he pulled Pellaz close enough to
fold an arm around him.
Pellaz wanted to pull away,
not because he didn’t want to be embraced, but because he was afraid the
movement might cause Caeru pain. “Be careful.”
“I’m strong enough to do
this…if you don’t fight me, that is.” But his actions were draining him and
Caeru wasn’t sure how much longer he could sustain this position.
“Let me,” Pellaz whispered
and folded his arms around the injured har. Holding Caeru close, Pellaz closed
his eyes. Why had he fought this for so long?
Caeru’s heart swelled with
emotion now that Pellaz was finally accepting him and his love. “Don’t worry… I
don’t mind being there for you. I always dreamt of you coming to me in this
way. I love you. I always did.” Tears escaped Caeru’s eyes, but they were tears
of happiness. Pellaz’ tears however were ones of sorrow and guilt and Caeru
could only hope that the other har would forgive himself
in the end.
~~~
Vaysh slipped out of the
room for he wanted them to have complete privacy. He didn’t feel comfortable
watching them hold each other in such an emotional way. It reminded him of
something he would never have again – Ashmael’s embrace. Vaysh however didn’t
want to stray too far away in case Pellaz left Caeru alone unexpectedly. He was
still responsible for the other har’s safety.
There was a garden to his
right and Vaysh removed his shoes. He blinked when he stepped onto the grass.
It tickled his soles and a hesitant smile surfaced on his face as he remembered
the happy times which he had shared with Ashmael. Their little cottage had come
with a lovely rose garden and Ashmael had gifted one rose to him each day. But
remembering things like that was dangerous.
“Vaysh?”
Vaysh was almost expecting
Ashmael to be standing there, but it was only Velaxis. Raising his defenses,
Vaysh made sure the other har couldn’t read his thoughts. He didn’t trust
Velaxis. For some time now he had suspected the other har to be Thiede’s spy
and he wanted nothing to do with him. “Velaxis.”
Having steeled his expression, he met the other har’s gaze.
“I assume our Tigron is
still visiting the Tigrina? It warms my heart to see that they have finally
buried the hatchet.”
Vaysh regarded each of
Velaxis’ words with caution and suspicion. Outwardly, he remained polite. “It
would appear they did.”
Velaxis moved closer and
eyed Vaysh closely. “Aren’t you supposed to guard the Tigrina?”
“Don’t worry. No harm will
come to Caeru as long as I’m responsible for his safety.”
Velaxis realized he had
caught Vaysh at an inopportune moment. The other har seemed hostile, and
Velaxis, always the diplomat, backed down and took his leave.
Vaysh felt relieved once
Velaxis was gone. Although he had always told himself that there was only one
har he trusted unconditionally, namely Pellaz, he now realized that he couldn’t
completely trust his friend. As Tigron, Pellaz had an agenda of his own. Could
he trust Caeru then? Vaysh was a lonely har and, in his heart, he yearned for a
companion. But Caeru was whimsical and could turn on him. The Tigrina could be
as manipulative as Pellaz. No, he couldn’t trust Caeru either. Was there no har
then he could really trust?
~~~
Was there really no har he
could trust? Who would listen to him and understand his dilemma? Ashmael had
paced his rooms for hours and still had to reach a decision. He could no longer
go to Pellaz for advice for the Tigron had purposefully lied to him. He might
have gone to
His thoughts were running
in circles. Ashmael knew there was no way out for him. He had to seek out Vaysh
and confront him – had to face him and talk to him. But did he have the courage
to do that? What if he had waited too long and Vaysh rejected him? Back then,
Vaysh might have wanted to talk to him, but maybe Vaysh had changed his mind
and no longer wanted anything to do with him.
/But he loves me… He said
he would love me forever. Those were his dying words./
Vaysh had died proclaiming his love for him. Ashmael looked at his hands, which
clawed at the windowsill. He had buried his fingernails in the wood without
even noticing it. Ashmael had fought many great battles in his life, had faced all
enemies head on, but he had never been this scared before.
~~~
“Vaysh? Would you go back and sit with Caeru? He fell
asleep as I left, but I don’t think he should be alone.” Pellaz sat down on the
grass beside Vaysh and studied his friend. “Something about you is different.”
Vaysh wasn’t sure he
wanted to discuss the matter with Pellaz. This was something private –
something between Caeru and him. “I’ll sit with him. You’re right. It’s still
too early for him to be alone.” He made to rise from the grass, but Pellaz
placed his right hand on his wrist to keep him in place.
“Vaysh, what’s happening
to you? You're acting strangely.” Pellaz couldn’t put his finger on it, but
something was different about Vaysh.
“I don’t know what’s
happening,” Vaysh replied. He bowed his head and let his red hair shield his
face from Pellaz’ inquiring gaze. “It’s Caeru. Seeing him…seeing you…seeing the
two of you finally get closer to each other…reminds me of something… Of someone to be exact.”
“Ashmael.” Pellaz nodded his head once. “Why don’t you talk
to him?”
“I told you: I don’t want
to talk to him!” Vaysh shook off Pellaz’ hand and got to his feet. He wanted to
walk away from his friend, but suddenly Pellaz stood next to him and stopped
him by pulling him aside. “Let me go!”
“Why are you so stubborn?”
Pellaz sounded frustrated.
“I don’t want to talk to
him! Now let me go!” Vaysh wanted to pull free again, but the expression in
Pellaz’ eyes warned him not to attempt that. Pellaz wanted to talk to him and
wouldn’t tolerate it if he left. “Pell, don’t you understand? I can’t go back
to the way I was before. What Ash and I had is gone!”
Pellaz felt deeply for
Vaysh. “Trust me, I understand. When
“It’s too late to try,
Pell.” Vaysh erected his icy barriers again and pushed Pellaz away. “Just leave
me be.”
Pellaz watched Vaysh as
his friend walked away from him. “That’s the one thing I can’t do, Vaysh. I
can’t let you be.”
~~~
Caeru was still asleep
upon Vaysh’s return. The red-haired har picked up a tray that held food and
listlessly nibbled on some bread. Ashmael had loved to feed him little bits and
had often nibbled on his lip during intimate moments. Vaysh growled as his
memories regarding those moments surfaced. “I don’t want to remember…”
He instantly grew quiet
because Caeru suddenly moved about and his lips became a tight line. He simply
had to endure life and find some measure of happiness in fulfilling his duty.
~~~
Caeru no longer found it
difficult to accept Vaysh’s help during the day. He was determined to make a
full recovery and accepted the help the other har was offering. Pellaz’ visit
had given him hope and he finally had a reason to get better again. Pellaz
‘cared’ for him. Well, Caeru knew what Pellaz had really wanted to tell him.
Pellaz still loved him!
Caeru felt happy and
smiled frequently at Vaysh, whose mood darkened with each passing minute. An
inner darkness spread from Vaysh’s core and seeing it made him shiver. A
depression shrouded Vaysh like a dark cloud and almost made Caeru feel physically
ill again. It was time he took action! “Vaysh?”
Vaysh didn’t hear Caeru at
first. Only when the Tigrina repeated his name did the sound register with him.
“Do you need something?”
Caeru nodded. “I need you
to do something for me. An errand.”
Vaysh’s eyes narrowed
suspiciously. “What kind of errand?”
“I want you to fetch
Ashmael for me and take him here. I want to talk to him.” Caeru hoped this wasn’t
going to backfire on him, but he had a feeling that subtle wouldn’t work with
Vaysh.
Vaysh determinedly shook
his head. “I’m not fetching him. Ask another har to do that for you.” He would
be gone the moment Ashmael entered the room.
Damn, his plan had
backfired all right! “Vaysh, stop fighting this! Just
talk to him!”
But Vaysh remained
unimpressed. “Sheeva said you could move back to your rooms. Do you want me to
take you there?”
Vaysh succeeded in
distracting Caeru, who shivered violently. All of a sudden, he was no longer in
a rush to go back there. “Maybe I should stay here a little longer.”
Caeru’s odd reaction puzzled
Vaysh and he sat down on the side of the bed. “I thought you wanted out of
here?” He was relieved that Caeru seemed to have forgotten about Ashmael.
Caeru fumbled the corner
of the sheet and frowned. “My rooms… Have they been cleaned?”
The question took Vaysh
aback, who only then realized why Caeru was reluctant to return to his rooms.
Caeru had been attacked in his rooms and had been bleeding to death when they
had found him. “You don’t have to go back there if you don’t want to.”
“Where else should I
stay?” Caeru drew in a shuddering breath and carefully shrugged.
“You can stay with me.”
Pellaz had overheard the last part of their conversation and easily made the
offer for Caeru to move into his rooms for the time being. Had he been in
Caeru’s place, he wouldn’t have wanted to go back there either. Although the
blood had been cleaned away and the rooms tidied, Caeru wouldn’t feel safe
there for a long time.
“Stay with you?” Pellaz’
offer stunned Caeru. He had hoped they would continue to grow close, but hadn’t
thought Pellaz would take such a big step just yet.
“Yes, stay with me.”
Pellaz had felt nervous when he had first made his offer, but now he was
growing more and more convinced that he was doing the right thing.
Caeru was more than
willing to give Pellaz this chance to prove himself and nodded his head in acceptance
of the offer.
Vaysh felt happy for them both.
Surely now the Tigron and Tigrina of Immanion would get their chance to deepen
their relationship. The only dark cloud that hovered over their happiness was
~~~
Vaysh
helped Caeru move into Pellaz’ rooms. The Tigrina radiated a sense of unease, even though Pellaz himself
had invited him to stay. Caeru couldn’t shake the sensation that Pellaz would
change his mind overnight and throw him out. Pellaz being so sweet and caring
unnerved him. Pellaz had treated him with disdain in the past and the change
the Tigron was going through seemed unreal to Caeru.
“Are you comfortable?”
Pellaz walked up to the bed and came to a halt next to Vaysh, who was tucking
the sheet around the Tigrina’s body to make sure Caeru didn’t cool off rapidly.
The fever, although weakened, was still present.
Caeru nodded once. His
mouth felt dry and his vocal cords refused to cooperate. He found it *so* hard
to believe that Pellaz wanted him there!
“Vaysh? I don’t think we need you for the time being.
Maybe you would like to rest?” Pellaz had noticed the growing dark circles
beneath his friend’s eyes and he once more wished Ashmael and Vaysh would stop
avoiding each other. Although Vaysh would never admit to it, the red-haired har
needed someone to take care of him. Vaysh always neglected his own needs.
Vaysh wasn’t surprised to
be sent away. He had expected for it to happen. “If you need me, send for me.”
Pellaz and Caeru needed some time alone and Vaysh was going to give them that.
His only regret was that he had to return to cold and empty rooms. It would
have been nice if someone had been there awaiting him.
“I will,” Pellaz promised
and smiled gratefully at the other har.
Realizing that his
presence was no longer required, Vaysh left the Tigron’s rooms and headed for
his own.
~~~
Ashmael watched Vaysh
closely. He had hidden himself in the shadows of the heavy curtains that
blocked the sun’s light. The corridor was full of shadows and Ashmael easily
managed to follow Vaysh to the other har’s rooms.
Vaysh was lost in thought
and never noticed the shadow on his trail. Not even in his wildest dreams would
he have thought that Ashmael would seek him out and follow his every move.
The way Vaysh moved told
Ashmael that the other har felt tired. The red head was bowed, the shoulders
slumped, and the eyes had lost their usual sharpness. Ashmael didn’t have a
plan. He didn’t know what he was going to do upon arriving at Vaysh’s rooms.
Vaysh drew in a deep
breath and pushed the door to his quarters ajar. They were situated close to
Pellaz’ and, if desired, he could enter the Tigron’s rooms by crossing the
balcony that connected their suites. In a way, he had become
Pellaz’ body guard, as well as his advisor, confidante, and friend. He
no longer had a life of his own: he lived Pellaz’.
He closed the door behind
him and made his way into the bathroom. He removed his clothes and stepped in
front of the mirror. Vaysh forced himself to look at his reflection and
flinched at seeing the caricature of a har that stared back at him. His hair
had been fair once, golden almost. His gray eyes, dark with sorrow and pain at
the moment, had once sparkled with love and life. His body had been more
muscular back then and not as skeletal as it was now. His red hair tumbled down
his tense shoulders and the ends brushed against his buttocks. Ashmael had
called him beautiful once.
That thought hurt and he
bowed his head. Silently, he wept and the tears dripped from his chin onto his
arms, which he had crossed in front of his chest. Thiede had destroyed him in
so many ways. Thiede had destroyed him in body and mind, had burned him, and
had forced aruna on him. Thiede’s lap dogs had kept him down, had forced him to
stay in place while Thiede took possession of his body and his soul. He had
barely survived… Sometimes, he wished he had died back then. That would have
solved his problems.
Ashmael stood in the
doorway to the bathroom and stared at the red-haired har. In the past, he had
loved Vaysh more than life itself and he had believed that love dead until now.
He had done his best to convince himself that his love had died along with Vaysh,
but as he looked at the miserable looking har standing in front of him, he
realized he had fooled himself. His heart still beat strongly with love for the
other har.
“Vaysh,” he whispered and
steeled himself for whatever reaction Vaysh would throw at him. He expected his
former chesnari to lash out at him, maybe even attack him and chase him away.
He was prepared to be lectured, to be screamed at, but what he didn’t expect
was Vaysh raising his head and looking at him in the mirror. Vaysh was eerily
calm and simply stood there, looking at him.
Vaysh should have been
surprised to see Ashmael standing there, but for some reason he wasn’t. Maybe
he had subconsciously picked up on the other har’s presence, maybe he had
expected for this to happen. He didn’t speak and let Ashmael take the lead,
just like in the past.
Ashmael carefully took a
step closer and stood right behind Vaysh. Seeing his lover’s emaciated form
filled him with rage. “You have not been taking care of yourself.”
Vaysh turned around so he
could look Ashmael in the eye. He felt strangely calm and accepting of the fact
that their confrontation had finally come. “I lack a reason to take care of
myself,” he admitted in all honesty. “I’m only still alive because Pellaz wants
me around. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have killed myself a long time
ago.” It was the first time ever that he could admit that truth to himself.
“When I was living in Thiede’s tower, I wanted to kill myself, especially once
I heard I was a failure.”
Ashmael swallowed hard.
“You’re not a failure.”
“But I am.” Vaysh cocked
his head and couldn’t stop himself from raising an arm and touching Ashmael’s
face. The other har felt warm to the touch and Vaysh yearned to feel that warmth
against – inside him. “I’m barren.”
“You’re still Vaysh,”
Ashmael said determinedly.
“I’m not the Vaysh you
used to know – the one you loved. That Vaysh is gone. He died many years ago.”
His hand dropped to his side and Vaysh bowed his head.
“I still love you,”
Ashmael blurted out. He was at a loss at the moment. He only knew he had to somehow
get through to Vaysh. “I never stopped loving you.”
A sad smile surfaced on
Vaysh’s face and he raised his head so he could study Ashmael’s eyes. “You
should forget about me.”
“I can’t.” Ashmael took
another step closer and boldly wrapped his arms around Vaysh’s naked form.
“Ever since I had run into you, you’re all I can think about. You’re the first
thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep. I even
dream about you.”
Vaysh shook his head and
gave Ashmael a look full of sorrow. “Forget about me, Ash. I’m nothing but a
ghost.”
“You feel very real to
me.” Ashmael ran his fingers along Vaysh’s arms and then pulled the other har
close. “You feel alive to me.”
“I’m dead on the inside.
Don’t you know that? Can’t you see it in my eyes?” Vaysh gave in to temptation
and rested his head against Ashmael’s strong shoulder.
“I see my reflection in
your eyes, Vaysh. I see an echo of the love we once shared. It’s still there,
no matter how hard you deny you love me.” Ashmael buried his fingers in Vaysh’s
red hair and tucked his former chesnari’s head beneath his chin. “We have been
running for a long time. Don’t you think it’s about time we faced the truth?”
“And what’s that?” Vaysh muttered
against Ashmael’s chest. The other har’s scent hadn’t changed and Vaysh
remembered the good times they had shared – days of love filled with happiness.
“The truth is that we’re
still in love and you can’t deny that.” Ashmael placed a finger beneath Vaysh’s
chin and raised the precious face so he could make eye contact. “I love you
still.”
Vaysh knew from personal
experience that putting up resistance was useless. “You swept me off my feet
back then as well.” Many years ago, Ashmael had found a way into his rooms and
had simply carried him away after he had fainted. “That happened so long ago,
Ash. Why start all over again now?”
“You fooled me for a
while, giving me the cold shoulder like you did, but I realized the truth,
Vaysh. You love me still. We’re going to start all over again because we
deserve a second chance. I don’t know what Thiede did to you to make you the
way you’re now, but I’m determined to try again. Are you going to fight me? Or
are you going to let me have my way with you? Like you did so many years ago?”
Vaysh cocked his head and
stared into Ashmael’s eyes, which shone with love and determination. “I should
fight you. I should throw you out. I should scream at you and tell you to never
come close to me again!”
“But you’re not going to
do that,” Ashmael said with certainty.
“I should… I really
should.” But he didn’t want to chase Ashmael off. He wanted to stay in this
embrace forever. “Things won’t be easy for us, Ash. Maybe you’ll come to hate
me once you learn what Thiede did to me.”
“I could never hate you.”
Ashmael brought his arms up along Vaysh’s back and pulled the smaller har
against him. Vaysh had always felt right in his arms and that hadn’t changed.
“I love you still,” he said and leaned in closer to instigate their first kiss
in this lifetime. He wasn’t as sure as he pretended to be on whether or not
Vaysh would allow this, but he had to try. He pressed his lips onto Vaysh’s and
waited for the other har to either push him away or surrender to him.
~~~
Pellaz had lain down and
had pulled Caeru carefully into his arms. The healing har needed his sleep and
Pellaz was content to hold him. He knew it couldn’t last though. Tharmifex
would appear shortly and demand his attention. For the moment, he simply
enjoyed holding Caeru and he allowed himself to feel the love he had suppressed
for so long.
~~~
Ashmael’s bold seduction
took Vaysh’s breath away. A part of him found it impossible to believe that
they were kissing or even that Ashmael’s arms were wrapped around him. But the
scent he inhaled was Ashmael’s and the golden hair that teased his skin was
unmistakably Ashmael’s too. Vaysh closed his eyes and lost himself in the kiss,
which was becoming more intense. The kiss grew to be their first, hesitant
sharing of breath and Vaysh quickly locked away any painful memories that might
ruin the perfect moment.
His body reacted to the
gentle touches Ashmael bestowed onto his skin and he quivered in delight.
Unable to keep back the transformation, he allowed for it to happen and his
soume-lam throbbed with desire while his ouana-lim retracted. Ashmael had
always had this effect on him and he was helpless to stop it from happening.
Vaysh’s reaction to
sharing breath overwhelmed Ashmael, who had expected Vaysh to fight him off
once the other har realized what was about to happen. “It’s been so long,” he
whispered against Vaysh’s lips. “I need you… I want you.”
Vaysh suddenly regained
his senses and pushed Ashmael away from him. “No,” he whispered while panting
hard. Growing aware of his nakedness, he grabbed a morning robe and put it on.
“No,” he repeated. “I can’t do this!”
Vaysh’s reaction stunned
Ashmael, who looked at the other har in shock. “But I thought…?” He felt at a
loss. What had he done wrong? Vaysh had reacted to his touch like he had in the
past. Ashmael had been under the impression that everything was right once
more.
“You don’t understand. You
can’t understand.” Vaysh turned away from Ashmael and buried his face in the
palm of his hands as he bowed his head and wept.
Ashmael’s heart contracted
at seeing the pain Vaysh was in. “You’re right. I don’t understand. Was it
something I did? I felt you react to me. Why pull away?” He felt undecided. Should
he wrap his arms around Vaysh or keep his distance?
“Please go away.” Vaysh
wiped at his tears and continued to hide his face from Ashmael. “Just go away!”
Ashmael however had no
intention of leaving...certainly not when Vaysh was in so much emotional pain. “Vaysh, why don’t you tell me why you’re reacting in this way?”
“I can’t.” Vaysh sounded
broken and he shivered at the thought of having to tell Ashmael what Thiede had
done to him in the past. “Please don’t make me.”
Ashmael decided to take a
leap of faith and resolutely wrapped his arms around Vaysh’s shoulders. He
expected a reaction and he got one. Vaysh shook violently in the embrace and
the red-haired har tried to struggle free, but Ashmael didn’t let go. He held
onto Vaysh, believing that if he let go now, Vaysh would be lost to him
forever.
“Don’t do this to me! I
can’t be this way! Let me go! Please let me go!” Vaysh flashbacked to the past
and recalled the way Thiede’s servants had kept him down while the mighty har
had entered him. “I can’t feel like this!”
“Why?” Ashmael pulled
Vaysh close. The other har continued to fight him off and in the end, he managed to turn Vaysh around so he could make eye
contact. He was shocked to see the flood of tears that flowed down his former
chesnari’s cheeks. “Please tell me why? Why does being held frighten you?”
Vaysh didn’t think when he
cried out, “Because that’s what they did!” He banged his fists against the
other har’s chest. “They held me down so he could-” His eyes widened as he
realized what he had been about to confess to Ashmael. “I don’t want you to know
this!”
Ashmael was busy putting
all the pieces of the puzzle together. “Who’s he?” The conclusion he had
reached was too horrible to believe that it could be true.
“Thiede.” Vaysh sagged against Ashmael and the blond har
caught him in his strong arms. Suddenly he was lifted and cradled against a
powerful chest. He seemed to float in the air, but in reality he was merely
being carried over to the bed. “Why can’t you let me be and go away?” He felt
limp and didn’t object when Ashmael lowered him onto the bed. The blond har
then stretched out on his side and pulled him close to his chest. Vaysh lacked
the power to move away from Ashmael. In truth, he wanted to be close to the
other har.
Ashmael moistened his lips
and considered which approach would be best to convince Vaysh that it was okay
to talk about what had happened to him. “What did Thiede do to you while the
other hara were holding you down?”
Vaysh closed his eyes and
shivered violently. “He forced me…to take aruna with him… I didn’t want to do that…
I didn’t want to be unfaithful to you… I love you.”
Ashmael grew enraged when
he finally learned what had happened to his former chesnari. “He subjected you
to pelki?”
Vaysh kept his eyes
closed, but nodded his head. “That’s what he does. That’s how he transfers his
power onto us. Pellaz went through the same thing.”
Ashmael couldn’t believe
the things he was hearing. “Pellaz too?”
Vaysh finally found the
courage to open his eyes and look at Ashmael. “Thiede’s essence is horrible. I
was too weak to absorb it. It burned me from the inside. I became barren and… I
*am* a failure, Ash. Thiede only succeeded with Pellaz. The other hara became
his servants… I’m just one of them.”
Ashmael blinked. “The other hara? Vaysh, how many times did he try…?”
“Too
many times. The hara that held
me down were subjected to the same pain in the past. You should have seen their
faces. They felt sorry for me, but at the same time, they loved seeing me in
the same amount of pain they had been in.”
Ashmael tucked Vaysh’s
head beneath his chin and rubbed his former chesnari’s back through the fabric
of the morning robe. “If I had known… If I had known what he was doing to you… I would have found a way to stop him!”
Vaysh shook his head
against Ashmael’s chest. “He’s too powerful. Trust me… I know how powerful he
really is. I house only a portion of his power, but…”
Ashmael kissed the red
hair and rubbed the small of Vaysh’s back. “I’m going to protect you from this
moment on.”
Vaysh snorted. He didn’t
need protection any more. He needed something else, but he didn’t know what it
was he really needed. “I’m no longer in any danger, Ash.”
Ashmael sighed deeply and
let his fingers glide through the long, red hair. “I missed that – you saying
my name.”
It all felt so right – so
comfortable – and Vaysh’s guard was down at any rate. So he forgot to watch his
words when he replied, “And I missed sleeping in your arms.” His eyes began to
close. His days had been long and tiring when he had sat with Caeru. “You
used…to bring me…roses… Do you…remember?”
Ashmael remembered only
too well and the memory caused tears to flow from his eyes. “I remember,” he whispered
as he soothed Vaysh. “I never forgot.” Vaysh moved closer until Ashmael
tightened his hold on the other har. “I never forgot about you.”
Vaysh however didn't hear
that last admission for he had fallen asleep.
~~~
Caeru was alone when he
awoke in the morning. He slowly sat upright and scanned his surroundings. At
first, he had difficulty identifying the rooms he was in, but then he
remembered that Pellaz had invited him to stay in his private rooms. Caeru
reclined against some pillows and looked closer. He had been in Pellaz’ rooms
before, but he had never had the time to really examine them. To his surprise, he found that several of his personal belongings
had found their way into Pellaz’ bedroom. There was his brush on the
vanity and his favorite scented oil on the nightstand. One of his blankets had
made it onto Pellaz’ bed and he even located one of his evening robes on a
nearby chair. Everything looked like he lived there – or was that just an
illusion? Was it perhaps about to become true?
“I thought you would
remain asleep a little longer.” Pellaz approached the bed carrying a tray set
with tea and food.
Caeru blinked in surprise.
“You don’t have to do that yourself.”
“I want to.” Pellaz placed
the tray onto Caeru’s lap and seated himself next to the healing har. He gave
the other har a thoughtful look. “Rue?”
“Yes?” Caeru reached for
the tea and blew on the surface so it would cool.
“You should have slept in
my bed for years. I was wrong in the past. Can you forgive me for that?”
Admitting the truth was hard on Pellaz and he only managed to do so when he
locked his emotions away.
Caeru looked at Pellaz and
saw the war that was raging deep down inside the other har’s soul. “I forgive
you,” he said. “I forgive you because I love you. I only ever wanted your love
– nothing else. I never wanted to become Tigrina and I never wanted Wolf to
grow up like that.”
Pellaz swallowed hard. “I
even took our harling’s name away from you.”
“I survived,” Caeru retorted,
only half joking. “You hurt me a lot, Pell.”
Pellaz bowed his head. “I
was angry with myself for loving you because I felt unfaithful to
Caeru finally managed a
smile. “Two Tigrinas and one
Tigron? I can live with that arrangement.”
Pellaz raised his head and
returned Caeru’s smile weakly. “May I touch you?” He felt like he had lost the
right to touch Caeru because of the way he had treated him in the past.
Caeru gave Pellaz a
surprised look. “But of course.” Pellaz’ question puzzled him.
Pellaz raised his right
hand and caressed Caeru’s face. The Tigrina leaned into the touch and rubbed
his cheek against the palm of Pellaz’ hand. Pellaz laughed softly. “You’re
purring.”
Caeru smiled predatorily
at Pellaz. “Want to hear me growl?”
“In time.” Pellaz touched his lips to Caeru’s. It was *only*
a kiss, but at the same time, it was so much more – it was a promise and both
hara knew it for what it was.
~~~
Ashmael had held Vaysh
through the night and had been shocked to find out just how troubled the other
har’s sleep was. Thiede tormented Vaysh even in his dreams. That shouldn’t have
come as a surprise though, considering Vaysh had relived horrible moments when
he had told Ashmael what had happened after his death.
Holding Vaysh tight,
Ashmael made a promise – one he would never forsake. He vowed to love Vaysh
forever, to keep him close, and to never let anyone come between them again. He
vowed to fight for Vaysh if necessary. The other har was his now – his to love
and to protect, to defend and care for. No one – not even Thiede – would take
Vaysh away from him again!
~~~
Pellaz faced a dilemma. He
had promised Caeru that the Tigrina wouldn’t be alone, but at the same time, he
had to attend to his duties and Vaysh hadn’t returned yet. Caeru was dozing
pleasantly and Pellaz decided to risk leaving his consort’s side for a moment.
He snuck onto the balcony and used the passageway that connected his rooms to
Vaysh’s.
“Vaysh?” he called softly,
wondering what was keeping his friend from returning to his duty.
He shoved the curtains
aside and was surprised to find that Vaysh wasn’t up and about yet. His gaze
wandered to the bed and his eyes widened when he saw who was occupying it.
Ashmael glared at Pellaz.
“Leave us alone,” he whispered since he didn’t want Vaysh to wake just yet. The
other har’s nightmares had gone away with the rising sun and he wanted Vaysh to
have a chance to truly rest.
Pellaz smiled kindly, but
Ashmael didn’t see it and continued to glare at the Tigron. “Whatever it is
that you want from him, it has to wait.”
Pellaz approached the bed
and didn’t let Ashmael’s glare intimidate him. “I’m glad to find you here. I
had hoped something like this would happen.” It also meant he had to find a new
body guard for Caeru, but he would gladly do that if it meant Vaysh could spend
time with Ashmael. “I don’t want to disturb his sleep.” Pellaz gave Ashmael a
last look and then turned around to leave. Bemused, he looked over his shoulder
and saw Ashmael tuck some red hair away from Vaysh’s face.
Ashmael felt relieved when
Pellaz left. Although Vaysh and he had been chesna for years, this felt new and
he needed time to accept the fact that they were about to become chesna again.
He didn’t want Pellaz to watch them while their relationship was still so new.
Pellaz returned to his
rooms and resigned himself to the task of watching over Caeru. He didn’t mind
really. It only meant Tharmifex and Velaxis had to come to him in order to discuss that day’s occurrences. Sitting down on the
bed, Pellaz studied Caeru’s sunken features. It would take the other har time
to recover from the attack.
“
~~~
Vaysh’s eyelids fluttered before
he buried himself deeper into the embrace. All of a sudden, his eyes opened and
he stared in shock at Ashmael’s face that hovered only inches above his.
Ashmael smiled
reassuringly. “Good morning.”
Vaysh blinked again.
“You’re supposed to be gone. You’re only a dream.” During his sleep, he had
grown convinced that Ashmael’s presence was nothing but a dream. There was no
way that the other har was really close to him!
“I beg to differ. I’m
quite real.” In order to prove his words to Vaysh, he touched his lips to the
other har’s. He was careful to keep the kiss just that. He didn’t want Vaysh to
panic again like he had the other night. He had to go very slowly, especially
since he now knew what Thiede had done to his former chesnari.
Yes, Ashmael felt very
real. Vaysh wanted to pull away, but his body refused to obey. Once the kiss
had ended, Vaysh moistened his lips and he could still taste Ashmael on them.
“I thought it was just a dream. How can this be?”
“I came to your rooms last
night – just like I did that night so long ago. I should have done so the day I
realized you were still alive and residing in Immanion. I have been remiss.”
“I was shocked when you
entered Pellaz’ rooms that day, Ash. I knew you had become a member of the
Hegemony and that there was a chance we would meet, but I wasn’t prepared to
face you that day.”
“Why did you never contact
me?” Ashmael kept his voice neutral since he didn’t want Vaysh to feel like he
was judging him.
“I was afraid.” Vaysh
swallowed nervously. “I have nothing more to give, Ash. I’m the walking dead.”
“That’s not true!” Ashmael
shook his head determinedly. “You’re still the har I love – changed, yes – but
not changed that much that I would no longer love you!”
“Sweet Ash…” Vaysh raised
a hand and traced Ashmael’s top lip with a fingertip. “You always were
determined to have your way with me.” He lacked the strength to fight the other
har. “I can’t understand why you still want me, but if you really do, you can
have me.”
Ashmael drew in a deep
breath before claiming Vaysh’s lips. This time their sharing breath was intense
because Ashmael carefully guided his memories, his pain, his love, his hope,
and his dedication into Vaysh’s mind. He didn’t pry into the other har’s
thoughts. He didn’t want to push Vaysh too far. Ashmael just wanted to give
without having to receive something in turn.
Sharing breath overwhelmed
Vaysh and he was capable of only letting Ashmael do as he pleased. The
feelings, the regrets, and the love that entered his mind were sincere and he
wrapped his thoughts around Ashmael’s in the hopes of offering some comfort.
Ashmael released Vaysh’s
lips and looked into the gray eyes. Vaysh had accepted everything he had given
and that pleased him. “Now you know how much I love you and how much I mourned
your death.”
“And why you never took
another chesnari,” Vaysh added.
“I only want you.” Ashmael
hugged Vaysh tightly and wished he had approached the other har earlier. “It
pains me to know that we wasted so much time. I could have been holding you
some time ago if I hadn’t been so cowardly.”
“It’s my fault too,” Vaysh
quickly said. “Don’t blame this on you.”
Ashmael remained quiet,
but he did press a kiss onto Vaysh’s hair. From that moment on, he would commit
himself to his chesnari’s recovery for that was what Vaysh really was – his
true chesnari. Vaysh had never stopped being that.
~~~
Caeru had no choice but to
watch Pellaz, Tharmifex, and Velaxis discuss
Pellaz happened to look at
Caeru and noticed the expression on the Tigrina’s face. Realizing that the
discussion was unbalancing Caeru, he dismissed Tharmifex and Velaxis. Once the
two hara were gone, Pellaz moved over to the bed. “Are you hungry?” he asked in
an attempt to distract the distressed har.
Caeru shook his head. “I
would throw up if I ate at the moment.”
“I’m sorry you had to hear
that. I wasn’t thinking.”
“What happened to our
pearl? What do you think, Pell?”
Pell shrugged his
shoulders. “I believe our pearl is still alive. If your attacker had wanted it
destroyed, he would have done so. Instead, he took it with him.”
“What will happen to our
pearl?”
“I wish I knew, Rue, but I
don’t.” Pellaz wanted to comfort his consort, but wasn’t sure his touch would
be welcome at that moment. Caeru *was* very upset. “If I had known any of this
would happen, I would never have left you alone. I would have made sure guards
were with you all the time.”
“You didn’t know this
would happen.” Caeru sensed how much guilt was suppressing Pellaz. “Don’t blame
yourself.”
Pellaz shook his head. “I
*am* to blame. I know that creating that pearl was dangerous. I became
careless.”
Caeru
rested a hand at the nape of Pellaz’ neck. “You can’t change what happened, Pell. Accept it and move on. That’s
what I usually do.” What other choice did he have? If he dwelled too long on
what had happened, he would go insane.
“Maybe I’m not as strong
as you.”
“I don’t believe that.” Caeru fingered a lock of Pellaz’ dark hair. “Shed that
self-pity, Pell. It doesn’t suit you.”
“Maybe I’m still a bit too
human,” Pellaz retorted half jokingly.
Caeru nodded thoughtfully.
“You could be right about that. You had always remained too much human.”
~~~
“Don’t you have to…go
places?” Vaysh didn’t know what to make of Ashmael’s continued presence in his
rooms. Ashmael had briefly left the bed to fetch them breakfast and had quickly
returned with a full tray.
“Not today,” Ashmael
answered and selected a strawberry to feed Vaysh. “Open up.”
Too stunned for words,
Vaysh complied and within the next moment, the juicy piece of fruit exploded
between his teeth as he bit down on it. He chewed and then swallowed. “Ash, I…”
Vaysh however didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence as a piece of banana
was pushed past his lips. “What are you doing?” he asked after eating it.
“Feeding you, what else
does it look like?” Ashmael was stretched out on his side and watched Vaysh
push himself upright until he sat cross-legged on the bed.
“We need to talk,” Vaysh stated,
although he didn’t really want to discuss the matter with Ashmael. It was,
however, necessary that they did. “What does this mean for us?”
“It means we are chesna
once more. What did you think it meant?” Ashmael sipped some water and
continued to study the red-haired har.
Vaysh blinked. “Ash,
things like that don’t happen so quickly.” Did Ashmael really think that they
were chesna again so quickly?
“I refuse to let you go
again, Vaysh, so that makes you my chesnari. Or do you object?”
Vaysh sighed deeply as he
nodded his head. “Ash, I’m barren...didn’t you hear that? What use is a barren
har to you? Why would you want me as your chesnari?” He didn’t want to be
spiteful, but he wanted to get his point across when he added, “Cobweb would be
a much better choice.”
Ashmael’s eyes showed his
anger as he directed his gaze at Vaysh, who flinched. “I don’t want Cobweb as
my chesnari. I want you.”
“He can give you harlings!
He can take aruna with you! I can’t!” Vaysh tried hard to make Ashmael
understand. “Don’t you get it? What good is a har who can’t give himself to
you?”
Ashmael sat up and knelt
on the bed in front of Vaysh. He hated being blunt, but he had to. “You took
aruna with Pellaz once, didn’t you?”
Vaysh grew pale and
averted his gaze. “How did you know?”
“I have my spies…” Ashmael
reached for Vaysh’s hands and cradled them with his.
“I took aruna with Pellaz
once, yes.” Vaysh kept his gaze lowered and his hands trembled fiercely inside
Ashmael’s cradling hold. “I wasn’t myself when it happened. I was hurting so
bad…”
“You need to have faith in
us. You trusted yourself to Pellaz back then. Why do you believe you can’t
trust yourself to me in time? Are you afraid I’ll hurt you? Don’t you know I
would rather suffer myself than ever hurt you?”
The pleading voice made
Vaysh look at Ashmael and he cringed at seeing the emotional hurt in those blue
eyes. “It was different with Pellaz. We were never chesnari. I felt used when
Thiede forced me and I have felt like that ever since. With Pellaz it was easy
to pretend that I wasn’t damaged. I had never been with him before. He didn’t
know what I was like when I was still whole. You do. I’ll disappoint you.”
Ashmael stared at Vaysh, unable
to believe he had just heard that. “Vaysh, you won’t disappoint me! Ever!”
“I shiver when you touch
me. I pulled back when you kissed me last night. I panicked. Ash, I don’t want
you to find out what Thiede did to me – how it affected me in that way.” Vaysh
bowed his head and stared at their joined hands. “Taking aruna with you now would
be nothing like taking aruna in the past. What if I can’t enjoy us being
together that way? What if I freak out on you? Those are very real
possibilities.”
“What if you tremble with
desire at my touch? What if you want me so badly that you’ll thrust up against
me? What if sharing breath means our souls become one? What if you quiver
beneath me and surge up to meet my thrusts? What if your body remembers what
taking aruna is supposed to feel like? What if it remembers me and feels
soothed?”
“You don’t play fair,
Ash.”
“Neither do you.” Ashmael
cupped Vaysh’s face in the palm of his hand. “Give us a chance to find out.”
“But not yet.”
Ashmael nodded for he had
heard the fear in Vaysh’s voice. “We have time. There’s no need to rush this.”
Vaysh released a
shuddering breath. “Thank you.” He inclined his head and looked Ashmael in the
eye. “I need that time.”
“You have it…”
~~~
Caeru found Pellaz
standing on the balcony looking out over Immanion. He left the bed and slowly
made his way out into the open. Pellaz’ tender care and the loving attention
the Tigron had heaped upon him were helping him heal and, although he still
felt a bit weak, he was already strong enough to leave the bed. “What are you
doing out here?” It was cold on the balcony. A fierce gale raged high above the
city and pulled at Pellaz’ garment, a fiery red robe.
Caeru frowned when Pellaz
didn’t answer him straight away. He could tell that the other har had heard him
because his shoulders had slumped forward. “What’s the matter?” Boldly, he took
another step until he stood in front of the Tigron and what he saw then stunned
him. “You’re crying...why?” Pellaz’ face was wet with tears and the usually distant
gaze was filled of pain.
Pellaz quickly wiped at
his tears and tried to compose himself. Lately, he had forgotten Orien’s teachings too often and now he was even crying in
public! Thiede would have reprimanded him and Orien would have frowned upon seeing
him like that.
“Don’t…” Caeru caught Pellaz’ hand in his hand to stop the other har from
wiping at his tears. “This is about
But Pellaz shook his head.
“What if he’s gone for good this time? What if I drove him away? What did I
do?”
“Knowing
Pellaz forced himself to
nod. He had to believe that Caeru was right and that
“I feel stronger, Pell.
You’re helping me heal, you know.” But Caeru allowed Pellaz to take him back
inside and, together, they made their way over to the bed where they sat down. Pellaz
played with a lock of his hair and Caeru failed to resist the temptation the
Tigron presented at the moment. Caeru leaned in closer and tentatively invited
Pellaz to share breath. To his delight, Pellaz accepted and Caeru quickly lost
himself in the other har’s essence. Pellaz had always tasted sweet and it was a
sensation he had become addicted to a long time ago.
Pellaz brought his arms up
along Caeru’s back and lowered the fair-haired har onto his back. Careful not
to put any pressure on the mending abdominal area, Pellaz straddled Caeru’s
upper thighs. The blond har beneath him quivered when hands found their way
beneath the fabric of his morning robe.
Dreamily, Caeru stared
into Pellaz’ eyes. “I always hoped this would happen one day.” He had always
wanted Pellaz to be like this: caring and focused on his partner’s needs. “I
need aruna too,” Caeru whispered when Pellaz remained quiet.
“But are you strong
enough? I don’t want to hurt you.” He had hurt Caeru already too many times in
the past. He brushed a few blond strands away from Caeru’s face and smiled at
him.
“I’m strong enough. You
won’t hurt me again. I know that.” Caeru’s hands rose and pushed the red robe
down Pellaz’ shoulders, baring the other har to him. “I want you too.”
Pellaz leaned in closer
and kissed Caeru before deepening the contact and sharing breath with him.
Their hands moved simultaneously as they did away with the constraining fabric
in-between them. Once they were naked, Caeru growled and then grinned at
Pellaz. “Hear me roar.”
“I hear you, Rue. Is it
time for me to feel your claws then?” Pellaz moved above Caeru and entered his
consort before lowering himself, supporting himself with his hands on either
side of Caeru’s head to make sure none of his weight rested on his consort’s
body.
Caeru smiled predatorily
and moved his hands until one of them rested on Pellaz’ buttock and the other
against the small of his back. He waited until Pellaz and he were fully
connected and then buried his long fingernails in his consort’s buttock. Pellaz
groaned and a primal gleam appeared in Caeru’s eyes. In a way, Caeru was the
real predator there and Pellaz his prey.
Pellaz did his best to
make their aruna as pleasurable as possible for his consort. He controlled his
thrusts, his movements, and guided them to a shared arunic high. The expression
in Caeru’s eyes took his breath away for he looked like the first time they had
taken aruna in Ferelithia. This was the har he had fallen for back then. This
was the har he had created a pearl with. He hated admitting it, but Thiede had
been right all along. Caeru was the perfect Tigrina. The only problem was that
he wanted
A fine layer of sweat had
formed on Caeru’s body and he panted softly as he came down from the
pleasurable high aruna had brought him. Pellaz glided to one side and stretched
out beside him. Caeru immediately turned onto his side as well and their arms
moved simultaneously to enfold the other har. “You just made a dream come
true.”
Pellaz gave Caeru a tired
smile. “I like hearing you growl, Rue.”
Caeru grinned. “Noted. I’ll growl during aruna if that turns you on, Pell.”
He felt light-headed. He had dreamt of Pell being gentle and caring during
aruna and it had finally happened.
~~~
“I’ll be right back. Don’t
leave while I’m away.” Ashmael didn’t want to leave Vaysh alone, not even for a
few minutes, but he had no choice. He had to talk to Pellaz. Vaysh gave him a
thoughtful look that indicated that the other har was trying to figure him out.
“I need to talk to Pellaz.”
Vaysh’s eyes widened.
“Why?”
“I want to make certain
arrangements.”
“What kind of
arrangements, Ash?” Vaysh didn’t know what to think of any of this.
“I want to take you away
from here.” Ashmael had thought everything over during the night and he knew
what he was going to do. “Your days of serving Pellaz are over.” He wasn’t
prepared for the shock in Vaysh’s eyes when he said that. “What’s wrong?”
“Ash, all I have left is
my duty to Pell and now you want to take that away from me? Why?” Vaysh was
beginning to feel angry.
“I don’t want to take
anything away from you, Vaysh. I want to give you something back.” Ashmael
didn’t want to tell Vaysh about his plans just yet because he was afraid that
Vaysh would shut down on him. “Trust me. You trusted me in the past. Can’t you
do that again?”
“You don’t know what
you’re asking for, Ash.” Trusting any har was difficult for him.
“But this is me, Vaysh.
You *know* me. Please trust me!” Ashmael took Vaysh’s hands in his and rubbed
the cold fingers. “Please, Vaysh.”
Vaysh had never been able
to deny Ashmael. “I trust you. I always did. I’ll allow this…” He raised his
gaze and looked pleadingly at the blond har. “Please don’t let me down, Ash.”
Ashmael rubbed the chilly
hands until they started to warm up. “I won’t. I promise. For now, I want you
to pack and ready yourself for departure. We’ll leave the moment I return.”
“And go where?” Ashmael’s
instructions puzzled Vaysh.
“You’ll find out soon
enough.” Ashmael placed a kiss on Vaysh’s brow. He was going to give life back
to his chesnari.
~~~
Ashmael used the same way
Pellaz had when the Tigron had stumbled in on them. A moment later, Ashmael
stood in the Tigron’s private rooms and felt very glad he hadn’t arrived a
minute earlier. Pellaz and Caeru were in bed holding each other. It wasn’t hard
to deduce what had happened just moments before.
Pellaz glared at Ashmael.
He didn’t take kindly to intruders, especially not when he had just taken aruna
with his consort. “You could have had your visit announced!”
“You didn’t announce your
visit either!” Ashmael stood his ground and noticed the sated expression in
Caeru’s eyes. Apparently the Tigrina had finally had his way with Pellaz. “I’m
taking Vaysh away from Immanion. We’re leaving.”
Pellaz’ eyes narrowed. No
one was going to take Vaysh away from him! “I won’t allow it!”
Ashmael’s first thought
was to react as sharply as Pell had, but then he recalled something Vaysh had
told him. Pellaz had gone through the same ordeal as Vaysh had and some sort of
connection had formed between the two hara. “I’m not taking him away from you,”
he replied, using the insight he had just gained. “But Vaysh and I need this
time away from Immanion. We won’t be gone for good. We’ll return in time.”
Pellaz freed himself of
Caeru’s embrace and sat upright in bed. In his heart, he knew Ashmael was doing
the right thing, but letting Vaysh go was hard. He trusted Vaysh – he always
had. In a way, Vaysh had been his sole caregiver since Thiede had returned him
to life. “Take good care of him,” Pellaz said eventually. “Don’t hurt him.”
Ashmael
nodded his head in acknowledgement of the concern he saw in Pellaz’ eyes. He took a step closer to the bed, knelt beside it,
and caressed the dark hair. “Vaysh told me what Thiede did to the two of you. I
need to help him heal… Do you understand that? You were strong. Vaysh wasn’t…
Vaysh needs more time to heal and he needs me. He needs to be away from
Immanion.”
Caeru’s hand settled
against Pellaz’ back and the Tigron accepted the comfort his consort was
offering. It helped him meet Ashmael’s gaze when he replied, “I know he needs
to heal. I have been selfish in the past. You see, for a long time, Vaysh was
all I had. After Thiede remade me, I was a mess. Vaysh helped me through it. He
helped me heal and now I have to do the same thing for him. Do whatever it takes
to heal him, Ashmael. Please.”
Ashmael cupped Pellaz’
cheek in the palm of his hand and nodded. “I’ll see him healed, I promise. And
then, we’ll come back to you.”
“Don’t forget about me. I
need Vaysh too,” Pellaz reminded the blond and didn’t attempt to cover up his
need where Vaysh was concerned.
Ashmael
realized then that he had only known one part of Pellaz’ personality until that
time. What Thiede had done to
him in order to make him Tigron had affected Pellaz deeply. Once Vaysh had
recovered and they had returned to Immanion, he planned on talking to Pellaz
more in depth.
~~~
Ashmael returned to
Vaysh’s rooms and was pleased to see that his chesnari had packed his
belongings and was dressed in traveling clothes, ready to leave. Vaysh gave him
a resigned look and, although he would have preferred to see a spark in those
eyes instead, he accepted Vaysh’s demeanor. He knew it would change in the next
few days. “We’re leaving.”
“And Pellaz let you get
away with that?” The red head had expected Pellaz to put his foot down and
forbid them to leave.
“He’s more understanding
than you think.” Ashmael swung Vaysh’s duffle bag over his shoulder and
gestured for the red-haired har to follow him.
“Where are we going?”
Vaysh followed, but only hesitantly. His life had changed too much during the
last few days and he found it hard to believe that it had changed for the
better.
“You’ll find out soon
enough,” Ashmael retorted, teasing Vaysh on purpose. He hoped it would pique
the other har’s curiosity and cause him to feel alert.
~~~
Vaysh mounted the sedu,
just as Ashmael had asked him to, and waited for the other har to take the lead
again. He still had no idea where they were headed or what Ashmael’s plans
were. A part of him was stunned that he was following Ashmael’s lead in the
first place and that he had actually deserted Pell and his duties.
“Follow me… Don’t lose
track of me!” Ashmael swung himself onto the sedu’s back and looked at Vaysh
from over his shoulder. Vaysh nodded and Ashmael told the sedu where to go. A
moment later, they were on the Otherlanes.
~~~
The Otherlanes vanished
and the sedu had solid earth under their ‘feet’ once more. Vaysh looked about curiously
and suffered a shock. “Why did you bring me here?” he gasped out, finding it
hard to breathe as he looked upon the cottage that had been their home for two
years. His gaze then drifted off to the right and he flinched as he saw himself
lying there with a hole in his chest. A pool of blood had formed beneath his
body and Ashmael had been holding him when he had released his last breath. “I
don’t want to be here!”
Ashmael dismounted and
made his way over to Vaysh. He had to stop Vaysh from running away and placed
his hands around the other har’s waist. He lifted him off of the sedu and
pulled him close. “I’m sorry, but we had to come here.” Hopefully Vaysh would
understand why.
“I died there,” Vaysh whimpered
and raised a shaky arm. “Over there.” The past was very close now and he
remembered the sweet scent of the roses which had been in bloom that day. He
felt the rays of the sun on his skin and vividly recalled the anguish that had resounded
in Ashmael’s voice when his chesnari had seen him go down.
Ashmael guided Vaysh to
the place where he had died. The blood was long gone and roses grew there
instead. The grass was green and tiny insects moved through it and climbed up
the stems of the roses. “It’s in the past, Vaysh.”
Vaysh stared at the spot
and blinked. During the moment of his death, he had seen himself lying there, floating
in the sky above himself before watching Ashmael give into his grief. Seeing
Ashmael lose it hadn’t been pretty. “Thiede…” he whispered angrily. “Thiede
took everything away from us.”
Ashmael was thrilled to
hear the ‘us’ in that sentence. That meant Vaysh had accepted the fact that
they were chesna again. “Yes, he took everything away from us, but now we have
the chance to take it all back. This was our home, Vaysh. It can be that again
if we want it to be.”
“I was happy here,” Vaysh
admitted. His gaze traveled to the little garden which was situated behind the
cottage and he smiled at seeing the roses growing there. “You used to give me a
rose each day.”
Ashmael guided Vaysh into
the garden and then cut one rose. He turned around, shortened the stem until
only the flower remained, and removed the two thorns that still clung to the
rose. Then he tucked it in-between Vaysh’s red strands.
Vaysh’s mouth went dry and
he swallowed convulsively. “Do you really think we can go back?”
“We don’t have to go back.
We can shape our present – and our future. If you want that.”
“And you want to do that
here?”
“Yes, this is where we
belong.”
“Eventually we’ll have to
return to Immanion,” Vaysh pointed out.
“I know that. But we can
come back here from time to time. Living in Immanion doesn’t mean we can’t have
our own little slice of paradise here.”
Vaysh rested his head
against Ashmael’s shoulder. “When I was still human, my mother told me about
guardian angels. They look over us and keep us safe. When I met you that first
time, I thought I had found an angel – a dangerous one, but still an angel.
Until now, I didn’t realize that you *are* my guardian angel, Ash.”
Ashmael held Vaysh close
and remained quiet. He didn’t want to disturb the peace and quiet that had
settled over Vaysh after making that admission. He wanted his chesnari to have
the time to deal with everything that was happening to him.
~~~
Vaysh remained in the rose
garden while Ashmael tidied up the cottage. Removing the dust and putting
blankets back onto their bed brought back happy memories. Contrary to Vaysh,
Ashmael found it easy to remember the good times they had shared. He had worked
through the attack, Vaysh’s death, and had mourned the loss. He had moved on.
Vaysh had never had that chance...until now.
“Being back feels unreal,”
Vaysh muttered as he entered the cottage. Standing in the doorway, he looked at
Ashmael who had uncovered some sheh and food from their traveling bags. The
blond har had put it on the table and was giving him an encouraging look.
Ashmael wanted him to eat again.
“It feels the same to me,”
Ashmael admitted. “But I’m glad to be back here. We were happy here, Vaysh.” He
opened his arms and Vaysh moved into them. They stood close with their arms
around each other and time seemed to stand still. “I want this moment to last
forever.”
Vaysh nodded against
Ashmael’s chest. “When I realized where you had taken me, I wanted to run. But
then I realized you had done the right thing in coming back here. This is where
it started, and then ended. Now we have to start again.” Lifting his head, he
touched his lips to Ashmael's and kissed him. Sharing breath, Vaysh opened his
mind partially to Ashmael and allowed the other har to experience his feelings.
He was happy at the moment – happy to have been reunited with the har he loved.
Ashmael was thrilled that
Vaysh was opening up to him so quickly. He had resigned himself to weeks, maybe
even months of waiting. /I love you,/ he stated
mentally. /I love you so much./
Vaysh let his love wash
over Ashmael and, by doing so, assured his chesnari that he felt the same.
~~~
That evening, Ashmael
created a warm nest by heaping several blankets onto the bed and making certain
the fire burned brightly and wouldn’t die during the night. He then lifted the
blanket to invite Vaysh in. Contrary to Vaysh, Ashmael had undressed for the
night. Vaysh was for some reason clinging to the shirt he was wearing and
Ashmael surmised it was still too early for Vaysh to do away with it. The other
har needed the shirt to feel safe. “Are you joining me?”
Vaysh felt undecided. Yes,
he wanted to join Ashmael in bed, but he didn’t trust himself at the moment.
Ashmael had fed him three glasses of sheh and he felt unbalanced. “I can sleep
on the floor,” he suggested weakly. It wouldn’t be the first time he would
choose the cold floor over a comfortable bed.
“Vaysh, this is our bed.
Have a little faith in me.” Ashmael told himself to be patient. He couldn’t
expect to repair a rift of several years in a few days. It was up to Vaysh to
take this step or not and he would abide by the other har’s decision.
Vaysh sighed deeply and
then walked over to the bed. He sat down with his back turned toward Ashmael
and tried to regain control over his emotions. “I never thought I would ever
come back here again...moreover with you at my side.”
Ashmael didn’t pressure
Vaysh and waited patiently for his chesnari to make up his mind.
“It feels strange being
back here. It feels even stranger to know that I could sleep in your arms
tonight.” Vaysh shivered and his long hair danced against the small of his back
when he moved his head to gaze upon Ashmael’s form. “I’m scared,” he admitted
in a choked voice. “I’m scared I’ll panic when you touch me.”
Ashmael heard the real
question in there and said, “We won’t take aruna until you’re ready.” Even if
waiting for Vaysh would kill him. His body was ready to take aruna and he
wanted nothing more than to feel connected to his chesnari in that way.
Vaysh was an intelligent
har and saw the truth in Ashmael’s eyes. If it were up to Ashmael they would be
taking aruna at that very moment, but he also knew that his chesnari would
never break a promise. Shivering, Vaysh stretched out on his side and lay face
to face with Ashmael.
“May I hold you?” Ashmael
proceeded very carefully. He didn’t want to scare Vaysh in any way. Vaysh
shakily nodded his head and Ashmael wrapped the other har up in a loose hug. “I
remember our last night in this bed.”
Vaysh’s thoughts raced
back and he nodded again. “I remember that night too.” They had just realized
that there might be more to aruna than they had thought. They had been about to
discover how to make a pearl. Each night and often during the day as well, they
had taken aruna in this bed. The loving memories washed over Vaysh and
remembering them made him relax.
Ashmael was thrilled to
feel the tension melt from Vaysh and he kissed his chesnari’s brow. “Tomorrow,
we’re going to work on getting you back in shape.”
Vaysh laughed. “I *am* in
shape, Ash.” He might not look strong, but appearances were deceiving in his
case. He had inherited his share of Thiede’s powers and no har, or human for
that matter, presented a danger to him.
“No, I mean fatten you up
a bit. Your bones stick out!” In Vaysh’s first life, the har had had some
delicious curves and Ashmael wouldn’t mind seeing them again. “You know I love
having something to hold on to.” This time, Vaysh laughed even harder and, for
the first time, his laughter was genuine. It was warm and rang like a thousand
bells. Ashmael had missed hearing it.
“Oh, yes, I remember
that!” Vaysh gave Ashmael a loving smile and all of a sudden, snuggling up to
his chesnari came natural. He rested his head against Ashmael’s shoulder,
inched closer, and sighed contentedly when his chesnari tightened the embrace
he was in. He felt safe and wanted. He hadn’t felt like that in a long time.
“I wish you sweet dreams,
Vaysh.” Ashmael kissed the crown of Vaysh’s hair and then smiled into the red
locks.
“Sweet dreams to you too,
Ash.” Vaysh’s eyes were already closed. He hoped that maybe that night the
nightmares would leave him alone.
~~~
Vaysh’s demons granted him
a peaceful night in which the har slept undisturbed. Ashmael stayed awake on
purpose just in case the nightmares surfaced again, but halfway through the
night, he also succumbed to fatigue and fell asleep.
The next morning, it was
Vaysh who woke up first. Opening his eyes, he thought he had lost his sanity
upon seeing where he was. But then Ashmael’s presence registered with him and
he looked at the handsome face relaxed in sleep. Ashmael was the only har for
him. He had always known that. He might have taken aruna with Pellaz once, but
that had been an accident as far as Vaysh was concerned. That should never have
happened. Ashmael was the only har he wanted to take aruna with, but he wasn’t
certain he could take that step. What if he flashed back to the things Thiede
had done to him? What if he saw the faces of the hara who had kept him down
instead of Ashmael’s? What if…?
“Stop doing that. You’re
driving yourself insane.”
To his shock, Ashmael had
also woken up and was giving him a concerned look. Vaysh grew pale and his
fingers buried themselves in Ashmael’s golden hair. He didn’t know what made
him do it, but suddenly he started to talk. “I woke up one day and Thiede was
there. He didn’t even bother to tell me what had happened. I didn’t find out I
had died and been remade until…” Vaysh drew in a deep breath and then
continued. “His servants stripped me and brought me before him. Then I was
forced onto my back and Thiede took possession of me. I tried to fight him, but
I was weak compared to Thiede. He effortlessly had his way with me and filled
me with his essence. It burned, Ash. I was on fire on the inside and no matter
what I did, the pain wouldn’t go away. It spread from my center to the rest of
my body.”
Ashmael caressed Vaysh’s
face and his fingertips turned wet with the tears the other har was shedding.
Ashmael didn’t speak though, sensing it was important Vaysh told him this.
“Thiede was enraged when
he realized everything had gone wrong. He stared at me in disdain and ordered his
servants to take me back to my room. I was horrible to look at. My body was
burned and my skin had turned a horrible red and black. When this happened to
Pellaz, he wasn’t in as much pain as I was back then. The transformation went
better for him.”
Ashmael gasped. He had
made the mistake of trying to imagine how Vaysh and Pellaz had looked like
after having taken aruna with Thiede.
“Pellaz improved quickly
and he shook off this cocoon to emerge as you know him now. It took me longer
to recover on the outside.” Vaysh closed his eyes and shuddered violently. “I
cared for Pellaz when he went through the transformation, but there was no one
to take care of me during those pain filled days. I was alone.”
“Thiede didn’t…?” Ashmael
failed to finish his sentence, shocked by everything he had learned.
“Thiede didn’t care for
me. He came to see me just once and that was only to convince himself that he had failed. He raved. He was so angry with
me. There was nothing I could do but endure his tantrum. I was still
bedridden.”
Ashmael rubbed soothing
circles onto Vaysh’s back and waited for his chesnari to continue.
“Then, one day, I felt
stronger. I was able to leave my bed and found myself standing in front of a
mirror. I had changed, Ash. My hair had taken on the same color as Thiede’s and
I felt the power surge inside my soul. My body was a different matter though.
It remained weak and brittle for a long time. Once I was strong enough to take
my place among his servants, I joined the share of hara he had crippled with
his experiments.”
“How many of you are
there?”
Vaysh opened his eyes and
gave Ashmael a probing look. “Not counting Pellaz, Thiede experimented with
fourteen hara. We were failures, but Pellaz is his ultimate success.”
“You
became Pellaz’ servant then?”
Vaysh shrugged slightly.
“Thiede soon realized that, although I was a failed experiment, I *had*
inherited most of his powers. If I had wanted to break free from him, I could
have. He would have let me go, since I was no longer of any interest to him,
but I had no place to go.”
Ashmael hoped he wouldn’t
hurt Vaysh as he responded, “You could have come to me.”
Vaysh shook his head. “I
didn’t remember you for a very long time. It was only when I started to care
for Pellaz that some of my memories began to resurface. Honestly? I never
considered returning to you. I felt too damaged, too used…too inferior and I was convinced that keeping my distance was best for you.”
Ashmael released a
shuddering sigh. “You fool.” He hugged Vaysh tighter and they remained like
that for a long time, just holding each other.
“But I had forgotten how
determined you are when you really want something,” Vaysh managed to whisper
against Ashmael’s chest. The hold Ashmael had on him was fierce.
“So what are you going to
do now that you have confided in me, Vaysh?” Ashmael loosened the hold enough
for Vaysh to raise his head and look at him. “Are you going to trust me and
continue to let me in? I can’t do this on my own and neither can you. We must
do this together if we want to succeed.”
Vaysh nodded against
Ashmael’s shoulder. “I know that. I have accepted that. I have realized that we
must do this together.”
“And you’re going to let
me in?”
“I thought I was already
doing that?” A confused expression appeared on Vaysh’s face.
“Good,” Ashmael said and
kissed Vaysh on the lips. “Then we can move on.”
~~~
“Come on in, Vaysh. The
water’s warm.” There was a stream near to the cottage and Ashmael had lured his
chesnari into coming there. The water reached Ashmael’s waist. Vaysh gave him a
suspicious look, which the blond har answered by splashing the other har. “Come
on in!”
Vaysh wasn’t convinced
that joining Ashmael in the water was a good idea for then he would be naked. Ashmael
suddenly stilled and gave him a pleading look. /Please trust me,/ floated into his mind and Vaysh sighed deeply. He trusted
Ashmael...that wasn’t the problem. Taking this particular step scared him, but
he started to shed his clothes.
Ashmael became discreet
and looked away as Vaysh undressed himself. His heart thumped hard and he felt
grateful that his chesnari trusted him like that. A moment later, he heard
Vaysh wade into the water.
Vaysh took his time making
his way over to Ashmael. He didn’t remember the last time he had waded into a
stream or swam in a lake. Feeling the water lap at his skin felt odd and Vaysh
made it a point not to look at his reflection in the water. He concentrated on
joining Ashmael instead. He shivered because, although the water was warm just as
Ashmael had said, he still felt chilled. “What’s the fun in…”
Vaysh didn’t get a chance to finish because Ashmael pulled him underneath the
surface.
Ashmael was determined to not
give into Vaysh’s gloomy demeanor. Once they surfaced again, Ashmael started to
tickle his chesnari’s flanks.
“Oh, I hate it when…you
do…that!” Vaysh wanted to glare at Ashmael but failed miserably. The tickling
forced him to laugh and he tried to sweep Ashmael’s hands away. It didn’t take
long for his fears to vanish and he laughed hard. Vaysh did his best to tickle
Ashmael in turn. A few minutes later, Ashmael succeeded in wrapping his arms
around him and pulled him close. Vaysh went willingly and met Ashmael halfway
when the blond har claimed his lips. Sharing breath with Ashmael no longer felt
threatening and Vaysh was able to surrender to the sweet sensation.
Ashmael smiled and cradled
the back of Vaysh’s head in his hand. /I love you,/ he
whispered into Vaysh’s mind, knowing how badly the other har needed to hear it.
/I love you too,/ Vaysh replied mentally and only then did he realize that
they were skin against skin. And he wasn’t panicking. He wasn’t freaking out. /You
manipulative bastard./
Ashmael only laughed. “You
always appreciated my special talents, didn’t you?” Vaysh had actually paid him
a compliment in calling him that.
“Yes, I did… I still do.”
Vaysh smiled and slid his fingers through Ashmael’s blond hair. Since the
tickling had stopped, he became pensive once more. “You’re right, Ash. Maybe we
can make this work.”
Ashmael nodded his head
once. “We’ll make it work. You’ll see.”
~~~
Ashmael had built a fire
and had placed pillows and blankets on the floor in front of the fireplace. He
felt comfortable and watched Vaysh, who was cleaning up after dinner.
Everything felt right as Ashmael raised an arm to signal Vaysh to join him.
Vaysh complied and knelt on the blanket beside him. Ashmael pulled him close
and kissed him. He waited for Vaysh to either pull away or ease himself against
him. He hoped the latter would happen, but he couldn’t be sure.
Vaysh eased himself
against Ashmael and was overcome with a sense of contentment. He loved Ashmael
and the other har loved him back. He was safe with Ashmael, who would never
hurt or pressure him and that realization made him aware of his own needs. He
needed Ashmael to feel safe as well. He wanted Ashmael to know he was loved in
turn. And as far as Vaysh was concerned, there was only one way to do that.
Ashmael arched an eyebrow when
Vaysh began unbuttoning his tunic. “You don’t have to do that,” he whispered.
“I want to.” Vaysh let the
fabric slide down his shoulders and placed the tunic aside. Naked, he gave
Ashmael a pleading look. “I want to do this, but I need to be in control.”
“You’re in control.”
Ashmael reclined against the pillows and caressed Vaysh’s face. Vaysh moved
closer and straddled his waist before Ashmael raised his arms and slid his
fingers down Vaysh’s spine. The red head had always been soume to him, but
Vaysh could be a very dominant partner if he set his mind to it. Ashmael had
always loved surrendering himself to his chesnari. “I’m yours. I always was.”
Vaysh nodded
absentmindedly and pushed the fabric of Ashmael’s shirt aside. “I remember the
first time we took aruna right after you had made me a har.”
“I remember that night
too.” Ashmael had taken the lead back then and had instructed Vaysh in the art
of aruna.
“This time it’s going to
be different.” This time, he would take the lead.
“I want you, Vaysh… Any
way I can have you. Please touch me.”
Vaysh leaned in closer and
shared breath with Ashmael. At the same time, he undid the lacing of his
chesnari’s trousers and freed the ouana-lim that glittered brightly in his
hand. His soume-lam had grown wet with desire and, to his surprise, the fear
which he had expected to hit him full force stayed away. Ashmael was in his
mind, and his chesnari’s ouana-lim was slowly invading his body. Vaysh twined
his fingers with Ashmael’s before raising himself and pushing down.
Ashmael sucked in his
breath involuntarily. Vaysh felt familiar in every way and he couldn’t get
enough of his chesnari. “Share breath with me…”
Complying, Vaysh claimed
Ashmael’s lips. The two hara didn’t move. There weren’t any wild thrusts or
flying hair. They took aruna slowly, intent on experiencing each sensation that
coursed through their bodies. Vaysh even forgot that he was barren.
The experience was too
much for the two hara, who had longed for that moment for so long. Their entire
beings exploded and fire leaked from Vaysh’s mind into Ashmael’s. They clung to
each other and waited for the sensation to abide.
They stared at each other before
Ashmael touched his lips to Vaysh’s brow. “Thank you for trusting me.”
Vaysh grew flustered and
gave Ashmael a quick smile. “I remembered the way I used to feel during aruna
and then everything happened instinctively.”
Ashmael nodded his head
once. “You did well, Vaysh.”
Vaysh blanketed Ashmael’s
body with his and smiled against his chesnari’s chest. He still had a long way
to go where dealing with his past was concerned, but now he had Ashmael at his
side to support him.
~~~
They settled into a
comfortable routine during the next few days and Vaysh continued to relax. He
had taken down his defenses and that had given Ashmael a chance to help him
heal.
It was evening when
Ashmael returned to the cottage where Vaysh was warming soup in a kettle over a
fire. “This one’s for you,” Ashmael said and placed a rose in full bloom in
Vaysh’s lap.
Vaysh grew flustered.
“Thank you.” He lifted the rose and inhaled its sweet scent. “I’m happy thanks
to you,” he whispered.
“I’m happy too.” Though
Ashmael knew their happiness wouldn’t last forever. Sooner or later, Pellaz
would ask them to return to Immanion. “We’ll return here regularly. I promise
you that.”
Vaysh nodded. Like Ashmael
he had always known they couldn’t flee Immanion permanently. “We should return
to Immanion in a few days.”
“You’re right.” Ashmael
hated to admit that. “I wish we could stay here though.”
“That’s wishful thinking.”
But Vaysh also knew that they would come back to their little cottage. “Duty
calls.”
“But not yet.” Ashmael
planned on fully taking advantage of Vaysh’s mellow mood and instigated aruna
again. Since their connection had been restored, Vaysh wouldn’t deny him ever
again.
~~~
Vaysh sat with his back
against the trunk of an apple tree with Ashmael’s head resting in his lap. His
fingers played with the blond strands and Ashmael was twirling a blade of grass
between his lips. They were idly watching the ducks swim down the stream when
the mind call reached Vaysh.
/Vaysh? Can you hear me?/
The grass dropped from
Ashmael’s lips and Vaysh’s fingers tightened in the blond hair. Ashmael looked
Vaysh in the eye as he murmured, “Pellaz.”
“We knew this would
happen.” Vaysh closed his eyes and concentrated on answering the call. /I hear
you./
/I need to see you… Can I
visit with you?/ Pellaz was already traveling the
Otherlanes in the hopes that Vaysh would allow it.
Vaysh and Ashmael
exchanged a look. Both hara were surprised to hear that Pellaz was on his way.
“I will only say yes if you agree to it,” Vaysh stated.
Ashmael nodded once. “We
can’t continue to shut him out. We need Pellaz on our side.” The Tigron was a
valuable ally.
/Yes, you’re welcome,/ Vaysh said to Pellaz and then sighed. “Our stay in
paradise has come to an end.”
“But only for now. This is
our safe haven and no one’s going to take that away from us. No
one.”
~~~
Pellaz left Peridot behind and advanced on the two hara. Ashmael was
holding Vaysh’s hand and a protective glint rested in the blond har’s eyes.
“It’s good to see you again.” Pellaz invaded Ashmael’s territory to give Vaysh
a hug. He half expected Ashmael to growl at him or tell
him to move away from Vaysh. “I hope I’m not intruding.” He had waited two
weeks before visiting them and hoped Ashmael and Vaysh had had enough time to
start rebuilding their relationship. “You look better, Vaysh.”
“I feel better, thanks to
Ashmael’s love.” Vaysh curled his fingers tightly around Ashmael’s hand and
started to walk toward the stream. Pellaz fell into step beside him and the
three hara talked as they walked slowly. “Is it time for us to return to
Immanion?”
“I’m afraid so. I need
you, Vaysh. I don’t trust Tharmifex or Velaxis. I need you at my side. And I
need you too, Ashmael.” Pellaz did his best not to sound demanding.
Vaysh nodded,
understanding the position Pellaz found himself in. “We won’t desert you.”
“I know you won’t. It’s
just… I need you.” Pellaz’ probed Ashmael’s eyes and found them thoughtful. “I
have no intention of taking Vaysh away from you either.”
“I understand that.”
Ashmael also understood that Pellaz needed them back in Immanion. “Vaysh...start
packing?” He wanted a moment alone with Pellaz.
Vaysh gave his chesnari a puzzled
look, but then remembered to trust the blond har. He nodded and disappeared inside
the cottage.
Pellaz remained at a
distance from Ashmael since he wasn’t certain why the blond har had sent Vaysh
away. What did Ashmael want from him?
“Vaysh will stay at my
residence in Immanion.” Ashmael stated it like a fact and not as a request.
Pellaz nodded, although he
regretted losing his friend’s permanent proximity. “That request is
understandable. I wouldn’t want to part from
“Pell, I… I also wanted to
say that I don’t intend to come between Vaysh and you. Vaysh told me what had
happened to him – and to you. I understand that the two of you are somehow
connected. What Thiede did…” Ashmael saw Pellaz shiver
and the Tigron turned away from him so he could no longer see the other har’s
face. Like Vaysh, Pellaz had been hurt too.
“Thank you for that. I
need Vaysh, but in a way, he also needs me. Not like he needs you of course,
but… I need him the most.” Pellaz drew in a deep breath and looked at Ashmael
from over his shoulder. “In a way, I look upon him as my mother and my father.”
Ashmael frowned. “You
still sound like a human.”
Pellaz shrugged. “I can’t
help being me.”
Ashmael raised a hand and
placed it on Pellaz’ shoulder. “I look upon you as a friend, Pell. The three of
us will find a way to make things work.”
Pellaz sighed gratefully.
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
~~~
Back in Immanion, Vaysh
gathered his personal belongings from his rooms. He was moving into Ashmael’s
residence and was about to say goodbye to these quarters. He found it hard to
believe that everything had worked out so well. He still had Pellaz’ friendship
and now he had also regained Ashmael’s love.
The mirror was still there
and Vaysh stepped in front of it to study his reflection. The har that looked
back at him was a changed har. Yes, he was still too skinny and too pale, but
the fire was back in his eyes. His love for Ashmael had always been there, but the
fire had been dampened by Thiede’s foul deeds. But Ashmael had sparked that
flame once more and the fire within –his love for Ashmael - blazed once more.
The end