Title: The Real Me

Author: Morgana
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairing: None

Rating: R
Summary: Jonne comes across a mysterious guitar player and finds out more than he ever wanted to.

Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories!

Warning: Real Person Slash.

Beta read by DA, thanks sweetie!

All mistakes are mine

The Real Me

Part 1

I don’t like it when summer evenings are too hot. People drink even more than they normally do and become rude. That is the reason why I hurry into the first bar, which I encounter on my way home. Looking over my shoulder at my ‘pursuers’ – five rather obsessed Finnish girls – I feel relieved when they pass the bar by and run down the road. I like my fans, but they can be a nuisance at times.

Looking about, I don’t recognize the interior of the bar. I have never been here before. Well, now that I am inside, I can get something to drink anyway. Nothing alcoholic though since it is too hot for that. The alcohol would go straight to my head and I don’t want to end up staggering through the streets in the hope of somehow finding my apartment.

After making my way over to the counter, I order a bitter lemon and ignore the surprised look the barkeeper gives me. Just because I am old enough to drink, doesn’t mean I must drink! I curl my fingers around my glass and head for the back, looking for a dark corner where I can hide and no one will pay me attention. I don’t plan on staying for long. I will just have this drink and then go home, hopefully without fans chasing me.

There are flyers on the table and I pick one up to read. Apparently, there is an open stage tonight and everyone is invited to participate. It is starting in ten minutes. I look at the small stage to my right and smile. I loved going to jam session at the Amadeus Music Bar in the past, but these days I avoid going there since there are just too many fans about.

I remain undiscovered and relax. I never went out as much as the rest of my friends, but during the last year, I went out even less. I stay at home most of the time, also because I don’t want to run into Christus accidentally. I am beginning to work through the anger and disappointment, but I am far from feeling whole again. Christus’ decision to leave the band instead of going through rehab hurt.

Commotion near the stage makes me tilt my head. Three young musicians had gotten on stage and are playing an old Alice Cooper song. They don’t sound bad...they’re actually quite good. Five minutes later, they leave the stage again. I have emptied my glass by now and am about to get up and leave when someone else enters the stage. He sits down and places an old, worn acoustic guitar over his knee. He seems familiar somehow in the way that he moves. I sit down, feeling intrigued.

The shoulder length blond hair is messy and hides the other man’s features. The clothes he is wearing, which are worn denim jeans and a green shirt, don’t provide me with clues either, but I’m convinced that I know him.

His fingers move against the strings and I instantly recognize the melody that fills the room. Sebastian Bach from Skid Row is one of my favorite singers and I know most of his songs.

In a darkened room
Beyond the reach of god’s faith
Lies the wounded, the shattered
Remains of love betrayed
And the innocence of a child is bought
And sold
In the name of the damned
The rage of the angels left silent
And cold

His voice is rusty and he sounds tired, but there is lot of emotion in it, which sparks my interest even more. I get up from my chair and walk over to the counter to order another drink. I have a much better view from over here and realize why the other man seems familiar to me.

Forgive me please for I know not
What I do
How can I keep inside the hurt
I know is true

I move closer to the stage to make sure I am not mistaken. If it really is Eero, then he changed quite a bit from when I last saw him. His green shirt is baggy around his form and his wrists seem a bit too thin.

Tell me when the kiss of love
Becomes a lie
That bears the scar of sin too deep
To hide behind this fear of running
Unto you
Please let there be light
In a darkened room

Standing in front of the small stage, I find I am right. It is Eero, or what remains of him. His features are sunken, his eyes gleam feverishly, and, now that I am close, I see him tremble. He is in a bad way.

All the precious times have been put
To rest again
And the smile of the dawn
Brings tainted lust singing my requiem
Can I face the day when I’m tortured
In my trust
And watch it crystallize
While my salvation crumples to dust

He sounds incredibly sad and for one moment, it looks like he is crying, but his hair moves in front of his face and makes it impossible for me to tell if I’m right. What happened to Eero that he is in such a bad way? Ville and he were close until some months ago. Ville then joined the military and only gets to visit once a month.

Why can’t I steer the ship before
It hits the storm
I’ve fallen to the sea but still
I swim for shore

Why is Eero here singing this song and playing that old guitar when he is a drummer at heart? I move closer still, but Eero doesn’t notice me. He doesn’t seem aware of his surroundings at all. He is living that song, living the words, and singing his heart out. It gets to me – that raw voice. Although it sounds weak and he doesn’t hit all the notes, it captivates me and, with a glance around, I find that most people have stopped talking and are listening to him.

Tell me when the kiss of love
Becomes a lie
That bears the scar of sin too deep
To hide behind this fear of running
Unto you
Please let there be light
In a darkened room

A tear flows down my cheek and I wipe it away in surprise. I hadn’t realized it touched me that much. I am still debating whether I should address Eero or stay in the background when he stumbles away. He is wobbly and supports himself with the backs of chairs or the wall, but then he is out the door.

Blinking, I try to compose myself again. What was that about?

~~~

I am at home, but I feel like I am still in that bar. The song, the voice, and the way Eero had looked haunts me. Ville had never told me that Eero was aspiring to be a singer. His voice isn’t great, but with vocal coaching he might make it.

I brew a cup of tea and take it with me into the living room where I snuggle up on the couch. It’s late October and autumn chill rules the country. I pull my fleece blanket up to my shoulders and warm my hands on my cup of tea. While I sip from it, my thoughts continue to circle around Eero.

What do I know about him? Let us get the facts straight. Eero and Ville hung out together until my brother joined the army. Then things deteriorated for Eero. Heijaste kicked him out and he quit The Black Jezus. Apparently, hanging out with Christus had gotten Eero on the wrong path as well since drug use was the main reason why Heijaste had told him that it was over. Eero disappeared after that. He is no longer part of any band and I haven’t heard of him since then.

He really looked awful tonight – almost emaciated. He had never been muscular, but had never looked like the walking dead before. Maybe it *is* the drugs and he’s a heroin junkie now, like Christus. It is a damn shame seeing a youngster like that going to waste.

We had gotten Ville away from Christus just in time, but we had never considered that he might drag others along instead. Sure, Eero isn’t my responsibility, but he used to be Ville’s best friend and I feel responsible for Christus’ actions. I know I am not to blame for them, but still… It is the way I am.

My thoughts don’t leave me much peace and in the end, I get up and clean the apartment a bit. I am a tidy person though, so that doesn’t take long and my thoughts stray back to Eero. Hearing him sing that song had sent shivers down my back. What had made him pick that particular song?

Ten minutes later, I move into my bedroom, push down the covers, undress, and slip into bed. I pull the comforter close, turn onto my side, and grab the big teddy bear my grandmother had given me almost twenty years ago. He is old and worn, but I need him close, especially since I am troubled.

I switch on the stereo on the nightstand and listen to the music. It always helps me fall asleep when I am worried. I close my eyes in an attempt to sleep, but then open them again as sleep eludes me. I can’t stop thinking about Eero singing that song.

My gaze shifts toward the window and I snuggle deeper beneath the comforter. It is raining heavily and in the distance, I make out bolts of lightening. I love thunderstorms…

Pushing down the comforter, I get to my feet. There is no way I can sleep, soothing music or not. I walk over to the window and look outside. The thunderstorm moves closer and lightening flashes in front of my window. I hug the teddy bear close and smile at him. “I’m glad you’re here with me… Let’s watch this.”

Staring outside, I allow my thoughts to drift. Where is Eero now? Does he have a warm and dry place to watch the thunderstorm from? I don’t want to admit it, but he had looked like he might have been homeless. The clothes hadn't been exactly clean and his face had been dirty too. I just hope he isn’t stuck out there in the middle of the storm.

~~~

The next morning I feel like I didn’t get any sleep at all and the clock tells me that I only slept for two hours. Sighing, I push myself up and run my hand through my tangled hair. For a few seconds I know peace of mind, but then the memories intrude again – Eero.

I can’t say why seeing him like that affects me in such a way -- or maybe I can. I never had heard that song sung with such emotion before. Not even Sebastian Bach had managed that.

I drag myself from my bed and head for the kitchen where I make coffee. It is no favorite of mine and I only keep it around because my friends want some when they are visiting. It is the perfect thing to wake me up though and hopefully it will keep me awake. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I wonder what to do. I won’t know any peace of mind until I get to the bottom of this.

But I don’t know where Eero lives, if he still has a place of his own that is. I don’t know where to find him and going about Tampere looking for him is madness. I reach for my mobile phone. Maybe Ville can tell me where to find Eero. Since I can’t call him at will, I have to leave him a text message. I explain my worries to him and ask Ville if he knows where I can find Eero. I send the message and I can do nothing except wait for Ville to get back to me.

~~~

I do not hear from Ville until late in the afternoon. I distract myself by watching some movies and going to the supermarket to buy some food. When I hear the ringtone, I immediately check the message.

Eero lives at Paasikiventie 14. I wouldn’t worry if I were you. I only know him stoned.

That sounds harsh coming from Ville, especially considering how close they used to be. Too harsh.

Now what do I do? The flyer said that the bar is open for musicians at all times and that they can hit the stage every evening. Do I head for that bar or do I check on Eero at home? But what if he isn’t at home? What if he left for that bar already?

In the end, I decide to try the bar first. If he doesn’t show up there I can still check his home address. I don’t bother getting dressed up since the last thing I want to do is draw attention to my person. I am grateful that it is windy outside for it allows me to wrap a scarf around my neck and face. I add a black hat as well and check if my keys are in my pocket. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but then again, I won’t be able to sleep until I know what’s going on. Not just with Eero, but also why Ville is so bitter.

~~~

I close my umbrella and try to rid myself of the annoying raindrops. I am glad I had an umbrella in my shoulder bag since I really hadn't thought of packing one. The bar is more crowded than yesterday and I scan the place. At first glance, I don’t see any trace of Eero. I get a hot cup of tea at the counter and the barkeeper gives me another odd look. I ignore him though.

I settle down where I had sat yesterday and blow onto the surface of my tea. I keep an eye on the clock. It was about this time when Eero had showed up yesterday. Other musicians claim the stage and I flinch. They sound bad and it is no surprise that they get booed off stage. Once the peace has been restored and soft music is playing in the background, I focus on the door. I really hope Eero will show up because I don’t feel like walking all the way to his home in this shitty weather!

The front door opens and I sit up straight to see if it is him, but it’s a girl. Cowering deep in the shadows of my scarf, I feel restless. What do I do if Eero doesn’t show up? Well, I could get a taxi to drive me there. I don’t have to walk the distance, do I?

Suddenly I hear a guitar and someone starts singing. Damn it, I have been so lost in thought that I didn’t see Eero step onstage. If that happens when he leaves, I will have to check on him at home!

I move about on my chair and shift it to get a better view. Oh my… He looks even worse than yesterday. He is dripping wet and the hoodie he is wearing seems to have done little to shelter him from the rain. His eyes are sunken and the cheekbones protrude from the skin. His eyes shimmer feverishly and he looks like he’s about to faint. I am impressed that he can still hit the strings and find the right chords. When he sings, his voice sounds edgy, but he manages to hit the correct notes.

I ride all alone and can't see the road to nowhere anymore
And shadows whispers are calling me
To forbidden forests by the shore
And there she fell deep in the night
One breath away from heaven's light
And she said- don't cry for me, I'm leaving you

It takes me a moment to identify the song. I am not a big WASP fan, but Antti loves the band and I heard the song a couple of times at his place. My worries increase. I don’t like where this is heading.

The wind cries her name in the breeze but I can't hold her anymore
Some fallen angel had come to me
And fell to heavy on my soul
And stole from me the love that I heard
Lords of time say never die
And said- don't cry for me, cause I'll be
Riding the wind forever free
High in the wind forever free
I'll ride the wind forever free
High in the wind forever free
Forever free

I draw in a deep breath and decide that I can’t let Eero get away this evening. I have to be alert and catch him the moment he leaves. I rise from my chair and walk over to the doorway from where I still have a good view. I might be mistaken, though I doubt it, but Eero’s eyes are red and I am guessing it might be due to crying.

Forever in my hearts afire, a fire burning
I wake up nights and hear her crying, crying my name

Eero won’t leave this place alone, no fucking way. Tears drip down his face and the audience is eerily silent. An uncomfortable atmosphere floats throughout the room and I know why. This is too real. Eero isn’t just singing the song – he’s living it.

Riding the wind forever free
High in the wind forever free
I ride the wind forever free
High in the wind forever free
Forever free

A hesitant applause floats out. Eero performed the song well –maybe too well if such a thing exists. He gets up from his chair and walks toward the doorway. He doesn’t look to the right or left. He is focused on getting out of the bar and I doubt he will acknowledge me if I address him.

He is close now and I take a step back since he smells horribly. Taking a closer look at his appearance, I can tell that his clothes haven’t been washed in a while and I doubt he has showered lately. He puts his guitar in a protective bag, passes me by with blank eyes, and opens the door. It’s still pouring outside. He will get even more ill if he walks the distance home.

Why must I care about him? Why can’t I turn around and leave? Because that is not who I am. I zip up my coat, open my umbrella, and follow him outside. This is going to be harder than I thought.

~~~

Eero starts off with a determined, yet shaky pace and we cover more ground than I thought. The rain hits him with a vengeance and drips from his face, hair, and clothes. We almost make it to his home when he stumbles and drops his guitar. He ends up on one knee and instantly reaches for the instrument, which seems to be precious to him. From the corner of my eye, I see number fourteen on the side of the street we are on. Good, we don’t have to cross the street then. Not that it is busy at this hour, but Finnish drivers can come at you from out of nowhere. Not a good thing when you are hauling someone with you.

“Eero, let’s get inside. You can’t stay here out in the rain.” The temperature is dropping and I don’t want him to catch a cold or, even worse, pneumonia with the weakened state he is in. I close the umbrella and put it away, cursing the fact that I will get wet too. With one hand, I take hold of the guitar bag and I curl the other around Eero’s waist. He looks up at me with blank eyes. I doubt he recognizes me since he is too stoned, ill, or whatever, for that.

“Try to walk, will you? It’s raining and we’re getting wet.” I haul him to his feet and to my relief, he starts walking again. I steady him and we make our way to the apartment building in under a minute. “Which one is yours?” The numbers run from fourteen A to fourteen G. These aren’t apartments since the building isn’t big enough for that, but they are rooms which are rented out to students.

Eero fumbles within a pocket of his hoodie and gets out a key, which he hands me. Looking at it, I find that there’s a fourteen D engraved on the key. That answers it. I drag him over there, put down the guitar, and, while supporting Eero, I manage to open the door. It is a small room. It can’t be more than four by five meters and it‘s stuffed to the brim with boxes, clothes, and books. “Let’s do this.” Eero is a dead weight, which I want off my hands.

I feel conflicted however. If I move him over to the bed in the corner, the bed linen will get soaking wet and then he can’t use it anymore. However, it is not like the bed linen is clean to begin with. Eero desperately needs to clean up in here and sort out his mess. I am relieved though that I don’t see any drug paraphernalia. I wouldn’t have been surprised to find needles in here.

“Bathroom,” I decide finally. “You need to get out of these clothes.” I will play babysitter then. It isn’t the first time. I lost count of the times during which I had to do this for Ville, Larry, and Christus after they drank too much. I maneuver Eero in there and put him on the toilet seat. Great, there is no bath. That would have made my job a lot easier. The shower doesn’t look inviting either. Eero really needs to clean up in here!

Suddenly Eero raises his head and tries to focus on me. His eyes gleam and I wonder if it is a fever or something else, that is making them look so odd. The pupils aren’t dilated though. Maybe we are lucky and he is just running a bad cold. “I’m going to get you out of your wet clothes and into something dry. Try to cooperate if you can, then we can finish faster.”

Eero attempts a nod, but his head lolls toward his chest and for one moment, I wonder if he fainted. I remove the drenched hoodie and put it in the shower stall. It won’t do any damage in there. No need to get the floor soaked as well. Next is the green shirt and underneath that is a grey T-shirt. How many layers is he wearing? It isn’t that cold!

Once the grey T-shirt is gone, I reach bare skin and I cringe. Eero is too thin. I can count his ribs and that is definitely not healthy. “Lean against me,” I whisper as I unbutton his jeans. The fabric is heavy and I struggle with removing them for several minutes. It would help if Eero could stand up, but I am afraid to put him on his feet since he might fall again. I dump the jeans into the shower stall and debate if I should remove the boxers as well. They are also drenched. In the end, I remove them too. Seeing Eero naked makes me feel sad for the younger man since I can now see in just what for bad shape he is. He needs to eat.

“Alright…” We have managed so far. I grab a towel and dry off his hair. I would love to clean him up a bit, but that might be too strenuous for the younger man who is already half-asleep sitting there. “Bed then!”

Eero doesn’t object when I haul him to his feet again. Walking is more difficult on him though and I practically carry him over to the bed, which is a single and stuffed with clothes. I push those out of the way and help him lie down. “Better?” I don’t expect an answer, but Eero focuses his gaze on me for a few seconds and mouths a ‘thanks’ before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

I sigh deeply and remove the books from the sole chair in the room so I can sit down. Curiously, I check the title. Books are the one thing I didn’t think I would find in Eero’s room. ‘Thus Spoke Zarathustra’ is the title by Friedrich Nietzsche. That is heavy literature for someone like Eero! The discovery sparks my interest and I check out another book as well. ‘Grounding For the Metaphysics of Morals’. I gulp. What the fuck is that? I don’t bother looking inside since the title already confuses me. I put the books aside and sit down. I made it. I got Eero home, out of his wet clothes, and into a warm bed.

The room is a total mess, but the good thing is that I can’t find any gross substances like moldy food. The room is just too small for the masses of items in here.

So what do I do? I don’t feel comfortable leaving Eero alone in his current state. When I went after him to help him, I had accepted responsibility for him. At least, it feels that way to me. Since I am restless, I rise from the chair and venture into the small kitchenette in the corner. It has a sink, refrigerator, and a small stove. I open the cupboard above the sink and find only plates and glasses. I check on the refrigerator, but except for some butter and milk, there is nothing in it. My eyebrow inches higher when I check the cupboard next to it. It is empty too, except for some spaghetti. That explains why he is so damn thin. There is nothing to eat!

I remember seeing a kioski located next to the building and I could check if it is still open. I can do with some hot tea and a sandwich myself, especially since I have the feeling that I will be staying for some time.

I make sure the room key is still in my pocket and then head downstairs again after making sure Eero is asleep. He coughs occasionally and cuddles his pillow, but overall he seems comfortable.

I make my way over to the kioski, which thankfully is still open, and buy tea, bread, fruit, jam, and some cheese. That should do for now. I am already paying for the stuff when I see the hot chocolate on offer. I add a package of that since Eero might want some of it when he wakes up. I stuff everything into a bag and leave the shop.

Using the key, I open the door and step inside. The first thing I do is deposit the groceries onto the small table and then I head over to Eero, who is tossing and turning in bed. I watch him for a minute and place my hand on his brow. It is hot. Eero is definitely running a fever. It would help though if I knew why. When it is a cold or the flu I can get him something for it, but if it’s due to drugs…

What do I do? I have experience in nursing people with bad hangovers, but I don’t know what’s going on with Eero. Maybe if I search his room, I can find out if he is doing drugs or not. I feel bad about doing so though, since I don’t want to infringe on his privacy, but I need the information.

The next twenty minutes I busy myself going through the room. I find some pot, but that is it. No hard drugs and I sigh in relief. Looks like Eero got away from that shit in time. Once I am reassured that there is no heroin around, I return to the kitchenette to make tea and sandwiches. I don’t want to wake Eero from his sleep, but it might be the best thing to do.

I put everything on the plastic tray, which I found in one of the cupboards and carry it over to the bed. I need to clear the floor before I can put it down and then sit down as well. I rest my hand against Eero’s face and stroke his cheek. “Hey, wake up for me. I’ve got tea and something to eat.”

Eero coughs, stirs, and opens his eyes to look at me. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. “But you need to eat and drink something and while you do, we’re going to talk.” The lack of focus in Eero’s eyes tells me that he isn’t lucid and that the fever messes him up. But if it’s ‘just’ a cold or the flu, we can do something about that. First I need to find out though if that’s the case.

TBC

Part 2

“Sip slowly.” I hand Eero the mug, which is half-full with tea. Just as I had expected, his hand trembles and the tea would have sloshed over the rim had I filled it up. “Slowly…” I tell him and curl my fingers around his to support it as the shaking gets worse. Eero manages a few sips, but then pushes the mug away and lies down again. That little action seems to have worn him down. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Eero looks at me in confusion and I explain myself further. “You’re not doing well. What is going on? Are you doing drugs?”

Eero blinks, pulls his blanket closer, and closes his eyes. “That’s not much of an answer. Eero, tell me, do you do heroin like Christus?” I need to know otherwise I can’t help him.

“I shot up…once…” Eero whispers in a raw voice. “I hated…it…”

I feel relieved. “Thank God for that. It is evil stuff, Eero. Keep away from it.” I cut a sandwich in half and offer it to him. “Maybe you’ll feel better if you eat something.”

“I’m not…hungry,” Eero whispers.

“I’m not asking if you’re hungry. I am telling you to eat because you need the calories. You’re way too thin!” I offer it to him again and this time he takes a hand from beneath the blanket. He reaches for the food and nibbles on it. I am appeased for now. “So what *is* going on with you? You don’t look healthy to me.”

Eero watches me for a long minute. Apparently, he is struggling to reach a decision and I give him the time he needs. We are not close – we are not even friends – we are acquaintances at best, but hopefully it is enough. “I’m not here to condemn you.”

“Why *are* you here?”

Eero eyes me and I feel like I am being tested – like he’s deciding if I can be trusted or not. The answer I will give him will be very important and I take my time to phrase it. “I’m here because I worry. I saw you perform yesterday. You sang that Skid Row song and the emotion behind it blew me away. I got worried when I saw the state you are in. You are not well and… I want to help.”

“Why?”

I sigh. “Eero, I just want to help. I worry and I care. There is no hidden agenda. I am used to caring for people who need my help –Ville, Larry, and even Christus in the past. It’s in my nature to care.” Will that appease him?

Eero stays quiet and looks at me some more, then he says, “What do you want to know?”

Apparently, I passed his test. “Why are you this way? Is it because of drugs or…?” Eero said he had done heroin just once, but there are other drugs out there.

Eero slowly shakes his head. “I’ve been ill for six weeks now. I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m feverish and I ache…”

“Do you also cough a lot? Is it a cold?”

“It might have been one at the beginning.” Eero hides under his blanket and draws in a series of deep breaths, which makes him cough. “I don’t really care…”

I smile reassuringly at him. “We’ll get you to a doctor tomorrow.”

“That’s not necessary…” Eero closes his eyes again and this time he doesn’t breathe deeply so the coughing is kept at bay. “I don’t care what’s wrong with me anymore.”

Now it is my turn to ask, “Why?”

Eero’s eyes remain closed as he answers me. “Why should I care? I lost everything… Heijaste kicked me out… Ville left… I left The Black Jezus because they were destroying me and…” He coughs again and turns his head away. “I fucked up at university and…”

Ah, that explains the books. “You study?” I am impressed.

“I used to…” Eero opens his eyes again.

They look misty and I wonder just how lucid he is. That fever might be worse than I thought and I am determined to take him to a doctor in the morning. “You can go back to studying… You just needed a break because there’s so much happening in your life.”

“I screw up all the time.” Eero gazes at me sadly. “And I’m to blame for that. I can’t even blame others.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure that others, like Christus, contributed to the state you’re in.” Eero doesn’t say anything and that confirms my suspicion. Eero is getting uncomfortable so I change the subject. “Hey, why is there no food around? I searched your cupboards, but I only found some spaghetti.”

“I am…was…a student. In case you don’t know we don’t get a lot of money…and it’s the end of the month and I used the little money I had on other stuff than food.”

I nod and remember the pot I found. “You should buy groceries instead.”

“I don’t get any money at the moment. University kicked me out remember…” Eero shrugs lightly. “It doesn’t matter. It’s useless at any rate.” His eyes close and he yawns.

“Get some sleep. We’ll worry about your finances tomorrow.” I move a little closer and stroke his hair, which is still damp. “Close your eyes and let go. I’ll keep an eye on you.”

“You don’t have to stay,” Eero objects, but his eyes close anyway.

“I *want* to stay. There’s a difference…” I smile at him even though he can’t see it and stroke his hair. “Sleep, Eero…” His breathing evens out, showing that he is asleep, but listening closely to it, I can hear a sound coming from his lungs that shouldn’t be there. Maybe it started out as a cold, but it might have become bronchitis instead. My fingers move away from his hair and stroke his face. “We’ll sort everything out. You’ll see that things aren’t as bad as you think.” I don’t know why, but I really want to help him.

~~~

I keep an eye on Eero for the next thirty minutes. His sleep is restless and he moves about a lot, coughing occasionally. I use that time to make up my mind regarding what to do. It’s one o’clock in the morning and I can’t call my doctor to set up an appointment until eight. What do I do in the meantime? I am too awake to sleep and I don’t want to wake Eero either.

In the end, I rise from the floor, carry the tray back to the kitchenette, and clean up in there as silently as I can. Once the kitchenette is reasonably clean, I walk over to the small closet that is overflowing with clothes. I look at Eero from over my shoulder and smile when I see that he is still asleep. Turning my attention back to the closet, I start organizing things in there. I don’t like housework, but if I put my mind to it, I’m good at it. I grin at the thought that Tommy won’t believe me when I tell him that I cleaned up voluntarily.

As I make my way through the clothes, I realize that most of them desperately need to be washed. They are stained and smelly. I put those aside and once I worked my way through Eero’s wardrobe, I find that ninety percent of it needs washing. Looking about, I find some detergent in the kitchen beneath the sink. Student buildings like this one usually have their own laundry facilities and I decide to check on that before hauling everything downstairs in vain.

I pocket the key and go downstairs and yes, there are three washing machines and two dryers. A note on the wall says that a load costs two euro. It is a good thing I got change back when I fetched those groceries!

I go back to check on Eero. He is still tossing and turning, but I am relieved that he is still asleep. I am going to get the first loads going and then I will return to him. Hauling everything downstairs, I pack the washing machines, add detergent, and put the money into the machines. Five minutes later, the three washing machines are working and I am grinning. The first loads are on their way and I will check on them in an hour.

Once I step back inside Eero’s room, I am alarmed to find him coughing violently. He is fighting for breath and I am convinced that he developed bronchitis due to that neglected cold. Sitting down on the side of his bed, I pull him into my arms and rub his back firmly in the hopes that it will free some of the mucus in his lungs. “We’ll get you some medicine for that cough in the morning.” I fluff his pillow and rest it against the wall before lowering him against it. “I’ll get you something to drink.”

Eero’s gaze follows me when I make my way into the kitchenette to get him some tea. “This will do you good.” Once again I have to support his hand because it’s still shaky.

“Why are you…still here?” Eero asks in-between sips of his tea.

“I can’t leave you alone when you’re this way, now can I?” I smile reassuringly at him.

Eero’s gaze drifts over to the kitchenette. He blinks in surprise and then looks at his closet, which is almost empty. “I cleaned up a bit. I hope you don’t mind.” Eero bows his head and deep lines appear on his brow. He probably wonders why I did that. “I’m too awake to sleep and busied myself. I’m also doing the laundry.”

The surprise in Eero’s eyes takes me aback for it means that he isn’t used to people helping him out. “Don’t you have any family that can help? You need someone looking after you since you’re ill.”

“I don’t have anyone…” Eero whispers and briefly closes his eyes. He is tired.

“You don’t?” I am curious and pressure him a bit. “Do you mean that they don’t live nearby or…?”

Eero opens his eyes and looks tiredly at me. “I don’t have any… I grew up in a home…”

I swallow hard. “I’m sorry to hear that…” I would like to find out what had happened to his parents, but I don’t think this is the right time to ask him. “Try to sleep again. I’ll stick around.”

“You don’t have to…”

“But I want to, alright?” I rest my hand on his and squeeze gently. “Close your eyes and let go.” Eero couldn’t deny me even if he wanted. His eyes shut again and he is asleep already. I pull the blanket into place and tuck it in around him. I hope that this time around his sleep is more peaceful.

~~~

At seven in the morning, I haul the last wash load upstairs. In thirty minutes the doctor’s assistant will start to take calls and I can set something up then. In the meantime, I put everything back into Eero’s closet.

“Didn’t you sleep at all?”

I turn around. “I’m much too awake… I can’t sleep.” I walk over to the bed and squat next to it. Eero looks exhausted. “I’m going to set up an appointment with my doctor. Maybe you want to shower and slip into some clean clothes in the meantime?”

Eero’s gaze moves over to the closet and he blinks when he sees the organized stacks in there. “You didn’t have to do that…” I open my mouth to tell him otherwise, but Eero beats me to it. “But you wanted to.”

Grinning, I nod. “That’s true. So how about that shower? I’ll have breakfast ready when you’re done.” Eero gives me a look that is full of insecurity and I squeeze his arm lightly. “Let me tell you something. You know that Ville is my younger brother and I have looked after him all my life. Maybe that changed me, I don’t know. I only know that I am usually the one taking care of others. You don’t want to know how often I took care of Larry or Christus when they were hung over so don’t feel guilty. At least in your case there are no drugs or alcohol involved. You are ill. You’re entitled to help.”

Eero looks at me in confusion, but I blame it on the fever he is running. I doubt he registered much of what I just told him. “Let’s get you into the shower. Can you get there on your own?” Eero pushes down the blanket and then blushes when he discovers that he is naked beneath it. “I had to get you out of those wet clothes and I’ve seen lots of men naked so don’t worry about it.”

He opens his mouth as if to say something, but then reconsiders. I help him get to his feet and steer him toward the bathroom. It is a good thing I collected the clothes he wore last night otherwise, I would have had to clean up the shower stall first. “Take a long and hot shower alright?” Once he stands beneath the spray, I leave him to his privacy and make quick work of getting our breakfast ready. It is not much, just some toast with toppings, orange juice, and tea, but I have the feeling it is more than Eero has most mornings.

I call my doctor and use my charm on the assistant. She gives me an appointment at half past nine and I am pleased with myself when I put my phone away. Now that breakfast is ready, I should collect Eero. I hope he didn’t fall asleep in the shower!

Peeking around the door, I find Eero sitting on the stall floor. He is coughing and has wrapped his arms around his waist. There is still some shampoo in his hair and I get over there. “Looks like you need help.”

Eero nods reluctantly. “It’s the cough… It tires me.”

“You need medicine for that and a warm bed! We’ll get to that eventually.” Although my clothes are getting wet, I pay it no mind. I pull Eero to his feet again and support him as I rinse off his hair. Once the shampoo is gone, I turn off the faucet and wrap him up in freshly washed towels.

Eero glances at me and I smile reassuringly. “This won’t take long.” I dry his skin and wrap a towel around his hair. “Sit down, will you?” Eero sits down on the toilet seat and I get a fresh set of clothes for him. “You’ll feel better once you’ve seen the doctor.” I help him into the long sleeve brown shirt, boxers, and then into his jeans. “We need socks!” I had forgotten those! Eero smiles shyly at me when I hurry back to the closet to get him a pair.

Once he is warmly dressed, I steer him back toward his bed where he sits down. I retrieve the tray and put it on the bed. “I hope toast is okay. I didn’t think of getting more groceries.”

“It’s more than okay,” Eero whispers and coughs. “Food is food.”

That sounds bitter. I look at him. Eero’s nibbling on his toast topped with jam and he looks like he has given up. I understand why he is struggling, but that is no reason to give up. “Things will get better,” I tell him and nod encouragingly. “We’ll take small steps for now and go to the doctor first.”

Eero stares at me from above of the rim of his mug. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this, but…thanks…” He averts his gaze and bows his head.

“Eat another slice. You must be hungry.” I wonder how long his cupboards were empty before I got there.

He nods and reaches for the toast with a trembling hand. I have the feeling that there is a lot more to Eero’s history than he told me and I don’t know why, but I really want to find out what happened.

~~~

I curse the rain when we go outside and quickly uncover my umbrella. I had called a taxi and it should arrive any moment. “Move closer or you’ll get soaking wet.” Eero complies and I keep my arm wrapped around his waist. Although he seems improved, fever still haunts his eyes.

Eero trembles against me, and when the taxi stops in front of us, I quickly get him inside. I slide into place next to him on the back seat and tell the taxi driver where I want to go. “Are you okay?” I ask when Eero coughs again. I get a weak nod as an answer. “My doctor is really nice… Don’t worry… It won’t take long and then you can go back to bed and sleep.”

Eero remains quiet. I have the feeling it will be a long time before he will start to trust me.

~~~

“Let’s get your antibiotics and then we’re going…” Where are we going? Should we go to his room or my apartment, which is more comfortable?

“What?” Eero looks at me and is probably wondering why I didn’t finish.

“We can also head for my place. It’s more comfortable and you can have the guestroom.” I would like going home. Eero’s place is a bit too tiny and makes me feel paranoid. “We can always go back to your room if you need anything.”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Eero says listlessly. “If you don’t mind having me there…” He raises his hand to cover his mouth when he coughs again. The doctor had had a close look at his newest patient and had concluded that Eero is suffering from bronchitis, probably a result from his neglected cold, just as I had thought. A round of antibiotics and rest should do the trick and I hold the prescription in my hand.

“We’re heading for my apartment for now and we’ll see what to do once you’re doing better.” I guide Eero over to a chair where he sits down. “Don’t wander off… I’ll be right back.” I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone, but we’re in a hospital so not much can go wrong. I get the prescription filled and ten minutes later, I join Eero again to find him fast asleep on the chair. I hate waking him, but I have to. I squat next to him and shake Eero lightly. His eyes open and he stares at me in confusion. Does he have any idea where he is? “I’m sorry, but you have to wake up so we can go home.”

“Home?” he whispers and blinks. “Where’s that?”

“My apartment…” I take Eero’s hand in mine and pull him to his feet. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and steer him outside where another taxi is waiting for us.

~~~

“Are you comfortable?” I help Eero out of his coat and take him to the couch where he sits down. “You can lie down in a moment, but first we need to get that medicine into you.” The assistant had told me to make Eero eat a bit before taking his antibiotics. “Would you like some soup?” Its noon and I want him to eat again.

Eero doesn’t seem very sure of himself, but he nods. “I can try to eat it if it’s important to you.”

If you don’t want to eat for yourself, you will eat to humor me. I can live with that. “I’m going to warm the soup. Try to stay awake, will you?”

“I’ll try,” Eero mumbles unconvincingly.

~~~

I am impressed to find that Eero is still awake when I join him ten minutes later. I made soup for both of us since I am hungry too. “I hope you like tomato soup.”

“Sure, why not?” Eero curls his fingers around the bowl and sips from it.

“Try to empty it. You need something in your stomach before you can take your pills.”

Eero nods again and I am pleased when he empties the bowl. I hand him a glass of water and his pills. “You must have been hungry.” He averts his gaze, which confirms my suspicion. “Eero?” His eyes widen and I wonder why. He looks alert all of a sudden. To my surprise, he rises from the couch and makes his way over to the mantelpiece that holds my photo collection. Pictures of friends, but foremost family, have found their place there. His hands shake as he reaches for a picture of my parents. In the past, we didn’t get along, but things have improved then. Although I still find it hard to be around my mother, my dad and I have found common ground. “Is something wrong?” I get up and join him. Why is he staring at my parents like that?

“Who are they?” Eero’s voice sounds unsteady and his hands tremble so badly that he quickly puts the picture back in its place.

“My parents,” I answer and frown as his eyes widen in shock. “Do you know them?” It looks like he does!

“No, of course not. Why should I?” Eero abruptly turns around. “I can’t stay here. I want to go home.”

“But we agreed that you’d stay with me for the time being.” What made him change his mind? What happened when he saw that picture? Why did it change everything?

“Please, Jonne, don’t stop me…” Eero says pleadingly. He starts to head for the doorway, but doesn’t quite make it. Halfway there, he has to support himself against the wall as a coughing fit takes him.

I walk over to him and curl an arm around his waist. He flinches and tries to move away from me, but he is still too wobbly. “You won’t get far in the condition you’re in. Stay the night and we will find out what to do tomorrow. I don’t want you out there in the rain again or in that room. Not when you’re not feeling well.” Eero raises his head and looks at me with an expression, which I can’t identify.

“Why do you care about me? Why?”

I steer Eero back to the couch and get him to sit down. He complies and I sit down next to him. “I simply do. I can’t give you a reason.” I rub his back in what is hopefully a soothing manner, but he tries to move away from me. “Why don’t you tell me what happened when you saw that photograph? You didn’t shy away from me earlier.”

Eero lowers his gaze and looks like he wants to say something, but then we are interrupted. A key turns in the lock and I look up to find out who is visiting me. It can only be Ville or Tommi, and considering the fact that Ville’s with the army at the moment, I’m guessing it’s my older brother. Bad timing, Tommi. “Come on, I’m going to take you into the guestroom so you can rest.” Maybe I can get Eero in there before Tommi enters the living room. Something tells me that it is better if they don’t meet.

Eero surrenders when I pull him to his feet. I guide him into the guestroom and towards the bed. Eero lowers himself onto the bed and I raise his legs before pulling up the comforter. “Try to rest. I’ll have a look at you in a bit.” I stroke his brow and Eero closes his eyes. He is exhausted and it won’t take him long to fall asleep.

“Jonne? Where are you?”

I close the door behind me since I don’t want Tommi’s shouting to disturb Eero and head for the living room, which is empty though. I find Tommi in the kitchen where he is busy brewing coffee. Inhaling the fragrance, I realize that he is making strong coffee, which tells me that he is worried about something.

“I’m here. What’s going on?” I sit down at the kitchen table and watch Tommi closely. He looks like he left his office in a hurry. He is dressed rather businesslike, but his tie is a mess and he had unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt. Tommi’s obviously stressed.

“Why do I help these struggling musicians when they only pay me back by pulling stunts on me?” Tommi pours the coffee in two mugs, carries them over to the kitchen table, and pushes one toward me.

“Thanks, but that’s a bit too strong for me.” The scent makes my stomach turn.

“Sorry…” Tommi whispers. “I’m just so fucking mad.”

“Tell me what happened, Tommi. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?” Tommi always confides in me when he is troubled. I can’t help him all the time, but sometimes I can add a new perspective to the matter.

“You know that I manage Heijaste?” Tommi asks and I nod. Of course I do. “And that they had kicked the drummer out of the band?”

“I know that they kicked Eero out.” I hope that Tommi will keep his voice low. I don’t want Eero to overhear this conversation.

“Apparently Eero had some health related problems and he had to go to the hospital a month ago.”

“What kind of problems?” I inquire curiously.

“I have no idea. Probably related to his drug use… I don’t know and don’t care.” Tommi sips from his mug and glares at me.

“So what did Eero do that made you furious?” Tommi is really pissed off and I want to know why.

“They asked him to fill in some forms at the hospital. There were problems regarding his health insurance and who do you think he put up there as next of kin in case the hospital needs to reach someone?”

“I have no idea, Tommi. Spill it! You’re driving me insane!” I hate the way Tommi always elaborates instead of just telling me what is wrong.

“Me!” Tommi spits the word in anger. “He put down *my* name!”

I blink. Alright, that’s surprising, but maybe there’s a simply explanation. “Maybe he put you down because you’re his manager since he doesn’t have any family to begin with.”

“I’m not his manager anymore! I manage Heijaste, not Eero!” Tommi looks at me and puts his mug down. “And how the hell do you know that he doesn’t have any family?”

I shrug and lie. “Ville once told me.” Tommi doesn’t really believe me, but lets the matter rest.

“Eero had better stay out of my sight for the next few days. I’m so pissed off!”

I curl my fingers around his and squeeze gently. “Why are you so angry with him?”

“Why? Eero had a good thing going with Heijaste and then he gets involved with Christus and his gang. Did you ever hear Black Jezus play? They’re bad.”

“Maybe Eero thought they had potential.”

Tommi shrugs. “In that case, he has horrible music taste.” He leans back against the chair and rubs my fingers. “I told the insurance company to sort out the matter and remove my name from the form. They insisted on researching the matter first. For some reason they don’t believe me.”

“They have to go by the book. All they know is that Eero put down your name. They’ll assume that he did that for a reason.” I understand why Tommi is angry with Eero, but I am relieved that it is nothing major.

“He was probably stoned when he filled out that form.” Tommi finishes his coffee and then pulls my mug towards him. Tommi lives on caffeine at times.

“Do you know what’s going on with Eero at the moment?” I try not to sound curious, but I am interested in Tommi’s answer.

“The last thing I heard is that he’s doing heroin and that he walks about Tampere like the living dead.”

I blink. “Who told you that he’s doing heroin?”

“Jann saw Eero sway about town the other day. Jann told me that Eero has weight and was no longer taking care of himself. It’s obvious that he’s become a junkie.”

I am tempted to correct Tommi, but I don’t want to explain how I know that Eero isn’t doing drugs. “Don’t let it get to you. I’m sure the matter will resolve itself.”

“Thanks for listening, Jonne.” Tommi gets to his feet and buttons up his shirt. “I would love to stay and talk some more, but I have an appointment in thirty minutes.” Tommi pulls me into his arms and gives me a tight hug. “Love you,” he whispers and places a brotherly kiss on my brow. “I’ll call you tomorrow…”

I nod. “You do that…” I walk Tommi to the front door and hug him a last time before closing the door behind him. I turn around and stare at the door to the guest room. What is going on? At first, Eero accepts my help. Then he sees that picture and wants to leave. He flinched when I touched him and had tried to move away. And why did he put Tommi’s name down as next of kin? Why was he in that hospital to begin with? Tommi didn’t know the answer to that.

My head reels and I sigh. I really need to talk to Eero about those things, but I have the feeling he will dance around the matter and try to get away with not answering any questions.

~~~

Commotion coming from the hallway draws my attention and I rise from the couch to find out what is going on. Eero stands there, looking lost and half-asleep. “What are you doing out of bed?” I come to a halt in front of him and search his eyes. “Are you still asleep?” Is he sleepwalking? Eero doesn’t respond and I carefully place my hand at the small of his back. “Let’s get you back into bed, Eero.” I am relieved that he doesn’t object and simply allows me to take him back to the guestroom. “Lie down. Yes, that’s it.” Eero curls up on the bed. His eyes are still open though and I wonder if he is awake or not. “Eero?”

Eero blinks, draws in a shuddering breath, and wakes up at last. Eero was asleep then. I have never dealt with a sleepwalker before. “It’s me, Jonne… Remember me?” Eero blinks again and raises his right hand to stroke my face and he has a dreamy expression in his eyes. “Hey, are you awake yet?” I don’t know why he’s touching me like that, but I don’t mind.

He releases the breath he had been holding and averts his gaze. His hand drops onto the mattress and for one moment, I am under the impression that he’s going to cry. I inch closer, rest my hand against his cheek, and turn his face toward me so I force him to look at me. “Why are you upset? So sad?” I see tears in his eyes. I didn’t just imagine them.

“I can’t be around you...I need to leave before I fuck up again. Just let me go…”

I shake my head. “Not in the condition you’re currently in.” To be honest, I am afraid that he might do something stupid. He is too emotional right now. “Why don’t you talk to me instead?”

“I can’t… Please don’t ask me that… I can’t…”

I feel deeply for Eero when the tears, which he has been fighting, flow down his cheeks. He *is* crying and I am determined to find out why.

TBC

Part 3

I hand him a tissue and he wipes away his tears. “What’s so bad about being with me here in the apartment? What makes you cry?” Seated on the side of the bed, I watch Eero closely and then plunge ahead. “Why did you put Tommi’s name down as next of kin?” Eero’s eyes widen in shock, and though his lips move, there is no sound. “That’s why Tommi dropped by. He was rather furious that you did that. Family is important to him.”

For some reason, Eero flinches and the tears start flowing all over again. “Hey, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” I have no idea why I affected him by saying that!

“Can’t you just go away?” Eero turns onto his other side so he no longer faces me.

“I want to know why you did it.” I rest my hand on Eero’s shoulder and gently pull him onto his back so I can see his face. “There’s no reason to cry. He’s not *that* angry.”

Eero stares at me with swimming eyes. “Why did you put down his name, Eero?”

“I was probably stoned and not thinking,” Eero whispers.

I don’t believe him. “Eero, I can tell when Ville’s lying and you’re not much of a liar either. I want the truth. Why did you put Tommi’s name down as your next of kin?” I know that I have pushed him too hard though when he turns onto his side and this time pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them. “I’m sorry,” I tell him.

“Just let me go home…”

“I can’t. Not until I know what’s going on.” I can’t let Eero run away from me. We have to face whatever is going on. “Do you think you can sleep?”

“Just go away…”

“I’ll leave you alone for now, but I’ll check on you later. It is six in the evening and we are going to eat at eight. You need to take those pills, remember?”

“I don’t care!”

“Of course you do. You are just too stubborn to admit it. In that way, you’re a lot like Tommi.” Eero flinches again. I feel like I am on the edge of discovering something important, but the moment passes me by. I make my way over to the door and leave it ajar. I want to keep an eye on him.

I am about to head for the kitchen when my mobile phone rings. I don’t recognize the number on the display, but answer the call anyway. “Jonne Liimatainen.”

“Ah Mr. Liimatainen, I’m glad to catch you. This is Doctor’s Nikulainen’s office. We have a question regarding the patient you brought in for a consult.”

“Is there a problem?” What is this about?

“We need his social security number because of his health insurance.”

“Ah, I understand.” Where is that shoulder bag that Eero dragged along today? It has his wallet in it and hopefully his papers. “I’m going to look for it now. Can I call you back in five minutes?”

“That would be great! Thank you!”

She ends the call and I search for Eero’s bag. I find it near the front door and take it with me into the living room. Since I don’t want to bother Eero with a detail like that, I search the bag for the card I need. Eero’s wallet is right on top of his hoodie and I put the bag aside. Opening the wallet, I look through it.

I frown when I find a laminated picture in there. It shows Eero hugging Ville while the two of them are laughing. Curious, I turn it around and stare in surprise at the picture on the back. It shows Tommi, Ville, and me. How did Eero get his hands on it? And why is it in his wallet? It is another question I want answered. I put it back in its place and find his social security card. I quickly call the office back and give the assistant the data she needs. Once I do that, I continue to stare at Eero’s wallet. He really needs to start talking to me.

~~~

Whimpering and coughing call me back to Eero’s side thirty minutes later. Eero is sitting upright in bed coughing his lungs out. “Drink something… It might help.” I give him the glass of water, which I had brought with me. “Being ill is a bitch, isn’t it?”

Eero nods shakily and drinks some water. “Thanks,” he mouths once the coughing has lessened.

I place the glass on the nightstand and sit down next to him. “Eero, are you hungry? I made a salad.”

“I’m not hungry,” he says softly. “But you’ll probably make me eat anyway.”

I smile and nod. “You know me well! Come on.” I offer him my hand and I can tell that he isn’t sure if he should take it, but in the end, he curls his fingers around it and allows me to pull him to his feet. We move into the kitchen and sit down at the table, which I had already set. “I hope you like salads.” Eero gives a me a look and I say, “Food is food.”

He smiles shyly at me. “Yes, it is.”

I am glad to see him smile. We eat and I place the pills he needs to take next to his glass. His hands tremble minutely, and the fever is still there, but the rest and the medication are beginning to show a positive effect. “We can watch a movie later if you want to. It’s still a bit early to go to bed, don’t you think?”

“I don’t want to bother you. I can go back to bed. That’s not a problem.”

Eero finishes his serving and I am content with that for now. “Watching a movie with you is no bother. I’ll even let you pick it.” I smile at him. “Don’t forget your medication.” He swallows the pills along with some water and watches me expectantly. What does he expect from me? “Shall we move this to the couch then?” Eero nods and follows me. “I don’t have that many DVDs, but go ahead and pick one.” I point him toward my collection. I am curious on what kind of movie he will pick.

Eero removes a case from the shelf and walks over to me. He sits down on the couch and gives it to me while saying, “I always wanted to see this one.”

So which one did he pick? I look at it and grin. “Alexander? Sure, we can watch it.” I don’t mind watching Bagoas dance about in his skimpy outfit. I put the DVD into the player and while the movie starts, I go into the kitchen to get us some snacks and drinks.

Eero seems far from comfortable the way he hunches on the couch. I can’t seem to get him to relax around me! “This is in case you get hungry again!” I put the snacks and drinks on the coffee table. I decided against adding beer since Eero shouldn’t drink any alcohol while taking those pills. “What would you like? Water or orange juice?”

“Some juice would be great…”

“Juice it is!” I hand Eero his glass and pour some for myself as well. I bring the bowl of snacks with me as I sit down next to him. The movie starts and Eero appears keen on watching it. Letting him enjoy the moment, I remain quiet and settle in to watch Eero watching the movie.

Eero doesn’t manage to stay awake for long though. About thirty minutes into the movie, his head slides to the right and he ends up leaning heavily against me. Maybe it is because it feels familiar from when I used to snuggle up with Ville, but I pull him into my arms and Eero cuddles up to me. He would never willingly get so close to me if he were awake. This young man really is a riddle to me.

Eero snores softly and moves even closer. I pull him tighter against me and study his face, which is peaceful while asleep. Why was he crying earlier?

“I’d better move you to the bed,” I whisper. Snuggling like this is okay for a while, but eventually gets uncomfortable. “I wonder if I can carry you.” I had never managed to carry Ville. Tommi usually does when he is around. I push my arms under Eero’s knees and shoulders and manage to lift him. “You weigh even less than me,” I realize, shocked.

I place him in the center of the bed and cover him with the comforter. He looks awfully young right now and I feel protective of him in a way that takes me aback. “Sleep tight,” I whisper while making my way over to the doorway. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

~~~

“No! Stop it! I don’t want to! I will be good! I will behave! I promise!”

I startle at hearing Eero cry out. I had decided to watch the rest of the movie and thought Eero to be sleeping peacefully. The yelling tells me different though and I decide to check on him. I push the door open and frown when I see Eero curled up so tightly. He is trying to make himself as tiny as possible.

“Please don’t...I will be good...I will be good…”

“Eero, you’re having a nightmare,” I whisper as I sit down next to him on the bed. “It’s just a nightmare.” But he’s scared nonetheless. He is shaking himself to pieces and his face is wet with tears. “You’re safe. Eero, wake up, please…”

Eero thrashes on the bed as the nightmare intensifies and he cries out in pain. “You leave me no choice,” I murmur and gather him in my arms. “Eero, wake up!” I order this time around and tilt his head with my hand. “Eero, wake up! You’re having a nightmare!”

He flinches, shivers, and then opens his eyes. I instantly wish he hadn’t, because the terror staring back at me frightens me. “It’s alright, Eero. Everything’s fine.” I rock him like I had rocked Ville when he was younger and had had bad dreams. “It was just a nightmare.”

Instead of calming down, Eero grows even more agitated. “No, it wasn’t… It’s real…very real!”

This might be my chance to find out more about Eero. “What’s real?”

“That he beat me…”

Eero has a strange look in his eyes and I wonder if he is aware of what he is telling me. “Who beat you?”

“The social worker at the home. He said I was bad and deserved it!” Eero nods.

I very much doubt that Eero is awake. At the very least, he is not aware of the fact that he is talking to me. Maybe he thinks that he is still dreaming. “He lied. No child deserves to be beaten.” It is very important to me to say that. “He was evil...not you.”

“No!” Eero shakes his head again and looks at me in surprise. I don’t think he recognizes me though. “I was bad! He was right! My foster parents sent me back because I was bad!”

I sigh. It seems I have to discuss this with a very disturbed Eero right now. “What did you do that was so bad?”

“I didn’t want to touch him…” Eero nods and then averts his gaze. “I didn’t want that...made me feel dirty…”

My heart misses a beat. I must have misheard. “Eero, what do you mean when you say that you didn’t want to touch him? Do you mean intimately?” Please let me have misunderstood!

Eero nods again. “He wanted to do other things as well, but I didn’t want that either, so he sent me back to the home. The social worker there was really angry with me for being bad.”

I close my eyes for a second, draw in a deep breath, and then open them again. “You didn’t have much luck in your life, did you?”

Suddenly Eero looks up and blinks as his expression changes. He has woken from whatever entranced state he was in and he is panicking. “It’s okay. You had a nightmare and I calmed you down.” The first thing Eero does is wrestle himself free from my hold. I release him at once, but Eero is still moving and ends up with his back against the wall.

“What did I do? What did I say?” Eero’s voice is about to break.

I carefully consider my answer since I don’t want to upset him further. “You told me that you lived in a home and that you didn’t like the social worker there.”

“That’s it?” Eero asks suspiciously.

I nod since I don’t trust myself to lie convincingly. I have a lot to think about though. If I understood everything correctly, Eero just told me that his foster father sexually abused him. That is reason enough for me to tread carefully.

How can I make him feel more comfortable? Eero had slept peacefully on the couch when he had been in my arms, but had dived into nightmares when he was alone. He had also been on his own when I had caught him sleepwalking.

“What are you doing?” Eero gives me a confused look.

“What does it look like? I’m lying down.” If Eero sleeps more peacefully when he is not alone, I can help. “Come here.” I open my arms and wait for him to move into them.

Eero however shakes his head. “Why? What?” He seems stunned.

“Maybe my presence will keep the nightmares away,” I explain to him.

“But…you can’t…You shouldn’t… It’s…”

“Eero, I don’t have a problem with holding you. You have no idea how many nights I have held Ville, Larry, or Christus. Come here.” I know I need to be patient with him, but Eero makes it difficult.

“But I’m not Ville,” Eero whispers shyly.

“But you need comfort anyway.” Well, if Eero won’t move closer to me, I have to get closer to him. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights when I pull him into my arms. “Can I ask you something personal?” Eero’s panic is about to increase and I don’t want that, but I have to push ahead now. We need to make some progress. “You said that you don’t have a family. What happened to your parents?” Does he really look relieved? What kind of question did he expect?

“Do you really want to know?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t ask otherwise.” I wrap him up in an embrace and stroke his hair. “What happened?”

“She didn’t want me. My mother put me up for adoption when I was born.”

The sadness in his voice gets to me, but I also hear the anger in there. I would be angry too if my mother didn’t want me. “I’m sorry. She probably regretted that decision for the rest of her life.”

“No, she doesn’t. My mother doesn’t care about me and my father...I have no idea where he’s at. It’s probably for the best.”

I don’t believe him. He is obviously hurting. “Do you know your mother?”

“When I turned eighteen, I asked them about my past and they told me. They gave me my parents’ names. I couldn’t find my father. I guess he has moved to a different town and my mother...I went to her house and waited for her to come out. When she did, I walked over to her and told her who I was. She turned around, went back into the house, and called the police.”

My eyes widen at the story. “My mother is no saint either, but I can’t imagine any mother doing that to her son!” Eero laughs bitterly at that and once again, I feel like I am missing important pieces to the puzzle that Eero represents.

“My mother hates me and do you want to know why?”

I nod. How can any mother hate her son? It goes against nature. My mother was never the nurturing kind, but she tried her best. The alcohol made it hard though.

“She'd had an affair with the neighbor and I’m the result. She had cheated on her husband – apparently, they had been separated at the time – or maybe they hadn’t… I never found out for sure. She wasn’t careful though and had ended up pregnant. That is why she had given me away. She had never wanted me. She was probably too far along in the pregnancy before she realized that she was with child and couldn’t abort me.”

Eero shrugs like he doesn’t care, but the tears streaming down his face tell me otherwise. “She’s a very foolish woman then. She made a big mistake when she gave up on you. She has no idea what she’s missing by not knowing you!” I want to comfort him, but somehow it backfires on me.

“What is she missing out on? I am a screw up! I got kicked out of the only band I ever cared about, smoked pot until I was so stoned that I stopped caring, fucked up at university, and I can’t even take care of myself at the moment!” Eero grows agitated again and starts coughing. “I don’t understand why…you want me around! I really…don’t!”

I rub his back and wait for the coughing fit to pass. “Eero, you’re not a bad person and forget about being evil! You are not! You had some very bad luck in your life and you deserve much better!” Eero suddenly looks at me with a weird look in his eyes.

“Ville is very fortunate to have a brother like you. You’re really nice.”

“And I’m fortunate to have him as a brother. Ville’s a great guy...especially when he isn’t drunk!”

Eero nods and calms down since we are talking about Ville. I have to remember that the next time Eero panics. “I told him to stop drinking. I kept an eye on him, but Ville’s stubborn.”

“That’s why we made him join the army. He gave us a hard time too – Tommi and me. Now that Ville is there, he likes it so much that he wants to stay. Imagine that.”

“I just hope he doesn’t hurt anyone accidentally...or himself…”

Eero is finally calm again and the look in his eyes more normal. “You like him a lot, don’t you?”

“He was my best friend once. We are a bad influence on each other though when we are drunk or stoned. That is why I kept my distance. I didn’t want to drag Ville down with me. He deserves better.”

“And you deserve better too.” Eero now accepts my embrace more easily and even rests his head against my shoulder.

“That’s nice of you to say, but I know it’s not true…”

I sigh. Just when I thought I was getting through to him, he says something like that. “You *do* deserve better. Don’t let anyone tell you else.” I understand Eero much better now. He never knew love or support at the home and they beat him instead. And that foster father...should I ever get my hands on him…

“Did I do something wrong? You look angry.”

“No, you didn’t.” I resume stroking his hair. I was just fantasizing about the way I would make that man pay for abusing a child. “We’re fine.”

Eero seems reassured and closes his eyes. “I have brothers, you know. Half-brothers.”

“Did you ever meet them?” I recall how his meeting with his mother had gone and fear the worst. Her sons probably weren’t happy to see their mother’s illegitimate son.

“Yes, I did. They are nice guys, but they don’t know we’re related. I never told any of them.”

My eyebrow rises higher. “Why? Don’t you think they should know that they have another brother?”

“Half-brother...a bastard…” Eero smiles sadly. “They’re nice guys, but I don’t think they want to know about me. Their mother never told them…”

“She should. Family is important.”

“Only if it’s real family and not some kid born out of an affair. Trust me, it is better that they don’t know!”

Eero sounds convinced and I don’t want to get into the matter when he is already upset. “I still think that they have a right to know.”

Eero closes his eyes and sighs deeply. “It’s best this way...it really is…” His voice grows softer as he speaks while drifting off into sleep. “This is…nice…being held…like this,” he whispers.

I continue to stroke his hair and whisper back, “I just hope the nightmares will stay away…” Eero mumbles something in his sleep, which I can’t understand, and presses close against me. “I’ll watch over you tonight,” I promise. I doubt I can sleep tonight at any rate. The things Eero told me keep spinning in my head. The way Eero deals with these issues worry me and I wonder if he ever had counseling in the past for what happened to him. I doubt it very much. I know that I can’t make everything right in his world, but maybe I can help him change his life for the better.

~~~

The next morning I wake up before Eero does and I manage to get out of bed without waking him. I head for the kitchen to prepare breakfast, but then my mobile phone starts beeping. I quickly answer the call since I don’t want to wake Eero. “It is Jonne here,” I whisper in-between yawns. Maybe I will opt for some coffee this morning. I need some, so I switch on the coffee maker.

“Don’t tell me you were in bed until now!” Ville sounds offended.

“Hey not everyone has to get up at six like you do!” I feel insulted. A look at the clock tells me that it is nine and that is a very decent time to get up in my book!

“Alright... No reason to yell at me!”

“I’m not yelling, I’m telling you something!” I open the refrigerator and get out the food. I don’t know what Eero wants for breakfast so I’ll just put a bunch of choices out on the table. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great. I just got back from a shooting exercise. I hit the bull’s eye.”

Ville sounds pleased with himself. “Well done!” As long as he doesn’t hurt himself or anyone else, I’m fine with whatever he does. “Is there a special reason why you’re calling?”

“Actually…there is.”

I grin. I know my little brother too well. “Let me guess...does it have something to do with Eero?”

“Ah...yes… Did you check on him? I know you...you don’t get worried for no reason.”

The fact that Ville worries about Eero pleases me. The bitter reply I had gotten when I had sent him that SMS wasn’t like Ville at all. “I checked on him, yes. He wasn’t doing well and I took him home with me. He’s currently asleep in the guestroom.” At the other end, Ville sucks in his breath – just like I expected. It shows that he cares.

“Jonne? What’s wrong with him? Is he on-”

“Drugs?” I finish for Ville. “No, he isn’t doing heroin in case you’re wondering. He caught a cold and neglected it so it turned into bronchitis.” Ville sighs in relief. “He’s resting at the moment… He had a turbulent night.”

“Why?”

“He had nightmares,” I tell Ville while pouring lots of soymilk into my mug before adding coffee to it. “Did he ever tell you about the home he lived at? Or his foster father?”

“He told you that?” Ville sounds stunned.

“Yes, but I doubt he would have if he had been fully awake. He was in a state in-between sleep and waking up.” I sit down and sip from my brew.

“It took him two years to tell me that. He doesn’t trust easy.”

“Ville, are the two of you still close or did something happen?” I am curious about that.

“I don’t know, Jonne. You know how often I was drunk at that time and Eero...Eero was stoned or worse. I guess we decided not to hang out together on a subconscious level and stopped meeting.”

“But you still want to be friends with him?”

“Of course! Especially if he’s clean.”

“He told me that he did heroin once. He didn’t like it though.”

Ville draws in a shuddering breath. “I warned him not to.”

“People have to make their own mistakes in order to learn from them.”

“You’re right, Jonne, but I still wish he hadn’t done it.”

“What are your plans, Ville? Can you come home soon?”

“Not yet. I don’t get time off for another two weeks, but I’ll try to call more frequently. And Jonne, please keep a close eye on Eero for me, will you? He *is* stubborn, but I do love him.”

“I’ll take care of him,” I promise my younger brother. “And you’ll promise me to be careful around guns!”

“I promise,” Ville replies and chuckles. “I have got to go now…”

“Take care, Ville. Love you.”

“Love you too…”

A second later Ville is gone and I am listening to beeping. I put down the phone and look at the table. Everything I need for breakfast is on it, so I had better go get Eero.

~~~

Eero is already awake when I sit down next to him, but the sleep is still heavy in his eyes and it will take him a while to wake up fully. “Morning,” I say and stroke his hand.

Eero blinks at me in confusion, looks at my hand resting on his arm, and appears to want to pull away, but he restrains himself at the last moment and accepts the touch. Good. “I made breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry…”

Eero pushes himself upright and looks at his surroundings like he hasn’t seen them before. Deep lines of worry appear on his brow and then his eyes widen. I am guessing he just recalled what he told me last night.

“I didn’t, did I?”

Eero gazes at me pleadingly. “You told me a lot about yourself last night, if that’s what you’re asking and I’m glad you did. I understand you better. You had me confused for a while.” I pull his hand into my lap and rub his fingers. “I’m sorry that those things happened to you, but none of it was your fault. You’re not to blame.”

Eero swallows hard and wants to turn his head away, but I palm his face in my hand and make sure he doesn’t. “You not a bad person and you’re certainly not evil. Don’t believe them. You were a child and you had to survive, but, Eero, you are not a child anymore and life should be about more than just surviving the day. You need to learn to enjoy life. You never managed that, did you?” The first piece of the puzzle falls into place. “You’re still surviving and the drugs help you with that.” Eero doesn’t meet my gaze and I understand that this is hard on him. “You have to change things, Eero. You can’t go on the way you did. You need to make life better for yourself.”

“And who’s going to help me make those changes? I can’t do it myself. I tried…and failed.”

Eero can’t turn his head away and so he stares past me at the wall. My heart goes out to him. “I will help you and Ville, when he gets back. He will help too. He cares about you.” Eero laughs bitterly and I immediately add, “We just talked on the phone and he *does* care about you!” Eero finally looks at me and I see hope in his eyes. “Ville went through a bad time as well and needed some peace and distance. Now that he is doing better, he gained a new perspective on things. He will be there for you when he gets back.”

“Is that the truth?” Eero asks nervously.

“It’s the truth.” Carefully monitoring his reaction, I pull Eero into an embrace. “We will get your life back on track.”

“I am afraid to believe that,” Eero whispers against my shoulder.

He finally relaxes in the embrace and even hugs me back...shyly, but he is doing it. “You can believe it. I don’t make idle promises. I will stick with you.” Again, tears flow down Eero’s face and they drip onto my shirt, but I don’t mind. I am too damn proud that Eero has decided to accept my help.

TBC

Part 4

Eero peeks at me from under his hair and I wonder what is going on. Patiently I wait for him to address me, but Eero continues to eat his cornflakes instead. He doesn’t mind having soymilk with them and had said that he likes the taste of it before adding even more sugar to his flakes than Ville does. I hope I won’t have the energizer bunny on my hands later when that sugar starts working. “What is it?” I ask when Eero doesn’t speak up.

“Can we...can we get some things from my place? I would like to change my clothes and...I miss my guitar.”

“Sure, we will do that after we finish breakfast.” I pour Eero more orange juice. To my surprise, he declined my offer of coffee. “Anything else you want to do?” Eero shakes his head and seems depressed. I have my work cut out for me today!

~~~

“Hey, it’s dry and sunny!” Pleased, I turn around and wait for Eero to join me on the pavement. I am tempted to call a taxi, but I want Eero to get some exercise. We can get a taxi on our way back when we are hauling his stuff with us. Eero hesitantly steps outside and looks uncomfortable.

“No one will recognize you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Eero is wearing one of my beanies and half of his face is hidden beneath one of my favorite shawls. “If anyone sees you, they’ll think you’re me.” I had wondered about the resemblance the first time Ville had brought Eero home and had introduced me to the younger man. Ville had joked that we could be twin brothers and I still remember the shocked look on Eero’s face at that. At the time, I hadn’t paid his reaction any attention, but Ville’s right. Eero and I could easily pass for brothers.

“Let’s get going. It’s a twenty minute walk to your place.” I take Eero’s hand in mine and ignore his dazed look. “I’m not letting you out of my sight,” I say jokingly and, to my surprise, Eero relaxes.

We are ten minutes underway when Eero starts coughing and breathes more heavily. Maybe he needs to sit down and take a break. “Let’s go down the stairs and sit down for a moment.” We are on the bridge and the Tammerkoski flows beneath us. If we descend the staircase, we get to the benches situated there.

“We don’t have to pause…”

“But we will,” I say firmly and guide Eero down the staircase. I sit down when we reach the first bench and pull Eero along with me. “It’s a nice day, don’t you think?” I like autumn when it is dry and sunny. The leaves are starting to fall and make me feel melancholy. I love seeing the trees wear such deep red colors.

“I can’t stay with you,” Eero suddenly says.

He sounds upset and I wonder what is going on in his head. I thought we had agreed that he would stay with me.

“You have your own life and I am getting in the way.”

Huh? I stare at Eero in surprise. Where is this coming from all of a sudden? “Yes, I do have my own life, but I am not so busy that you can’t be a part of it. Negative is on a break and I don’t have any obligations at the moment, except for some interviews later this week.”

“But… “

“What are you afraid of? What is making you run?” I turn toward him and study his eyes. I am right. He is scared. “You can tell me.” The question is...does he trust me enough to tell me?

“I am scared of…of getting used to having you about. I like having you near and… I don’t want to go back to being alone, but I know that it will happen…eventually. People never stick around in my life. They always leave me.”

He sounds incredibly sad saying that and I stroke his face with my fingertips. “I know that it is hard to accept that your life has changed and I understand that you need time, but Eero, your life *has* changed. You are not alone anymore.”

“But…”

I wonder what will come next. I understand that he is afraid to trust me, but he will be alone for the rest of his life if he doesn’t start trusting people now.

“But Tommi won’t like it. He’ll want me gone.”

I sigh deeply before replying. “Tommi’s the oldest and has a different mindset. He looks out for me and sometimes he forgets that I am not a youngster anymore. I make my own decisions and Tommi has to accept that and he will. Don’t worry about him, okay? He loves to nag, but he’s a good guy.” Eero nods, but I can tell he is not convinced. It is best to change our subject so he can think about it in peace. “Let’s get going and if you can’t make it, I will call a taxi.”

“I can make it,” Eero says firmly, but his breathing is still raspy.

“I don’t doubt you can, but let’s consider your health too, alright?”

Eero nods again and gets to his feet. I fall into step next to him and we climb the stairs that will take us back onto the main road.

~~~

It takes us ten minutes longer than expected, but then we are standing in his room. While Eero goes through his clothes, I collect his guitar. Curious, I look about in search of something… I just don’t know what.

“I’m done.” Eero had stuffed his shoulder bag with clothes and now walks toward me. “We can leave.”

“Should I call us a taxi?” I am not sure I want him to walk the way back.

“I can make it.” Eero nods firmly. “As long as we don’t run.”

All of a sudden, I realize what has been bugging me. There are no pictures in here. Sure, there is a poster on the wall, but it is of a rock band. Eero really lives here on his own.

“Is anything wrong?” Eero asks after seeing my surprise.

I compose myself again and ask, “Don’t you want to take your books with you?”

“There is little use for them now that I am no longer studying.”

“But surely you will go back to university!” I will do my best to make him!

“I haven’t given it any thought yet…”

Eero stands there and is waiting for me to tell him what to do. “Let’s go then,” I say eventually and remind myself to take a step at a time.

~~~

Upon our return, Eero settles in the living room while I make tea in the kitchen. I hear music all of a sudden and realize that Eero is playing his guitar. I put the teapot and cups onto a tray, add some biscuits, and carry it into the living room. Eero is sitting on the floor and playing with his eyes closed. He is actually quite good at playing the guitar for a drummer. I sit down on the couch, sip from my tea, and listen to him. Five minutes later, Eero opens his eyes, looks at me, and blushes.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you come inside.”

“I snuck inside,” I reply and smile at him. “You are quite good at playing the guitar.”

“I didn’t start drumming until two years ago,” Eero whispers and takes hold of his tea when I hand him his cup. “I saved the little money I made working evenings for a drum kit.”

“What kind of work did you do?” I am eager to find out more about Eero.

“I helped out at a restaurant.”

Eero sips from his tea and places his guitar aside. Although he still coughs occasionally, he seems improved. At least that deadly pallor is gone. It amazes me what bed rest, a few meals, and the right medication can do in such little time. “Eero, there’s something on my mind and I would like to talk to you about it.” I don’t know how he will react to me addressing his childhood, but I won’t know any peace of mind until I do. Eero looks worried and gets nervous all of a sudden. I don’t blame him.

“What do you want to know?”

I draw in a deep breath. “Did you report that social worker and your foster father?”

“Report?” Eero frowns and looks away.

“Yes, to the police...for what they did.” I slide off the couch and sit down next to him on the floor. “They shouldn’t get away with it.”

“The social worker didn’t stay long. He left a year later.” Eero fidgets with his sleeve and looks everywhere except at me. “And my foster father… I was too afraid of him to report him and… I made him do it, so…”

“You didn’t make him do that!” I state determinedly. “Eero, he is a pedophile and needs to be reported. He should have kept his hands off of you!” Eero flinches violently, but I am not done yet. “You didn’t make him do it! You are not to blame! You are not evil!” He inches away from me and I am afraid I came across too forceful. “I’m sorry, Eero, but I hate what they did to you. They made you feel guilty and ashamed when you aren’t to blame! They should have loved you and taken care of you instead!” Eero shifts nervously, but then raises his head to look at me.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But you have to. Eero, you need counseling, you know that, don’t you?” I rest my hand on his shoulder and he allows it. Rubbing the skin under his shirt, I continue, “I know a great counselor. She can help you.” Eero is actually lost for words and I feel deeply for him. “Just think about it.”

Eero nods. He seems so lost that I pull him into my arms again. “I don’t want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. You deserve better than that – you *really* do.”

“If you say so…” Eero says shyly.

“Eero, it’s the truth… You *do* deserve better.” I rock him gently and after some time, he relaxes and leans more heavily against me. “Do you want to lie down?” Maybe he wants some privacy to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Eero nods against my shoulder and I get us to our feet. “Then lie down. Call me when you want to talk some more.”

Eero curls up on the bed and I cover him with the comforter. “Just remember that you are not alone anymore,” I say soothingly and stroke his hair. “Get some rest. You didn’t sleep much last night either.”

Eero closes his eyes and I take that as a sign that he wants to be alone. I turn around, leave the door ajar, and go into the living room. I pick up my mobile phone because the display is lighting up. Ah, I had missed a call. Seems Tommi wants to talk to me. I will call him back and find out what he wants.

That is strange. Tommi isn’t answering his phone. First, he calls me and then he is unreachable? Ah well, maybe he is stuck in a meeting! I put my phone away and go into the kitchen to search my fridge and cupboards to find out what I can prepare for dinner. I have just decided to make pasta when someone is at the door. The key is turned and the door opens. Ah, so Tommi has arrived. I should have known that he would come here when he couldn’t reach me. “I am in the kitchen,” I say as I peek around the corner.

A minute later, Tommi sits down at the kitchen table and I have to look at him twice to make sure it is Tommi sitting there. “What is wrong with you? You look…” How does he look? Like he just received the shock of a lifetime. He is pale and keeps blinking his eyes. “There is nothing wrong with Ville, is there?” Suddenly scared, I grab his hand, which feels cold and clammy.

“Ville is fine,” Tommi whispers in shock. “That is not it… Jonne, I need a drink.”

“You normally never drink!” Frowning, I get out my secret stash. Not even Ville knows about it and I pour Tommi a small amount of vodka. “Go easy on the bottle though. Tell me what is wrong instead.”

“I don’t know where to start, Jonne, I really don’t. Everything is different…changed.”

“Tommi, stop it. You are scaring me!” If he continues like that, I need a drink myself! “What happened?

Tommi empties his drink and hisses. “I needed that…and I need another one.” He takes hold of the bottle and pours himself another drink. “I never thought… I never knew! Why didn’t she tell me?”

“Tommi, I demand an explanation and you are going to tell me now!” I pour myself a drink too, just in case I need it. Tommi’s behavior gives me the creeps.

Tommi draws in a deep breath and shakes his head. “How am I supposed to tell you?”

“Just give it to me straight like you always do! Talk to me, Tommi!”

“Okay, just remember you wanted it that way! Do you remember how pissed off I was when I found out that Eero had put my name down as next of kin?”

I nod and wonder what that has to do with the odd mood Tommi is in. “I do. What about it?”

“The insurance company wanted to research the matter,” Tommi says and downs his second drink.

“I remember that.” I pull the bottle away from Tommi when he reaches for it. “Two is enough for the moment,” I say firmly. Tommi gives me an evil look, but then nods. I am relieved that he sees things my way. Tommi can be a bitch if he wants to. “So what does this have to do with your bad mood?”

Tommi sighs deeply. “They looked into the matter and do you know what they found out?”

“Tommi, tell me or I am going to beat it out of you!” There is a limit to my patience!

“I don’t know how to tell you… Maybe I had better show you.” Tommi pulls out a piece of paper from a pocket and slides it across the table.

Curious, I pull it toward me and unfold it. “It is a birth certificate,” I say. “And why is it…” My eyes widen as I read the names on it. It is Eero’s. His father’s name is Pekka Honkanen and his mother’s…I can’t believe the name typed there. “This must a mistake…It can’t be…” It can’t be our mother’s name on Eero’s birth certificate.

“But it is!” Tommi slams his fist onto the table. “That little junkie is our half-brother and no one told us!”

I swallow hard. “First off, Tommi, Eero is no junkie. He never was and secondly… Is this true?”

“It is true. I had it checked. He is our half-brother. That is why he put me down as his next of kin.”

I understand why he wouldn’t put our mother down after the things he told me. I feel like I am about to hyperventilate. I can’t believe it. Eero is my brother. We share the same mother and damn it, why didn’t I remember earlier that our neighbor’s name was Honkanen? I am at a loss...what am I supposed to say? Everything falls into place now. That is why he has that picture of the three of us in his wallet. Oh my God, the things he told me! He really thinks we don’t want him in our lives and that is why he didn’t tell us! It must have been killing him, being around Ville and me without being able to tell us!

“Yes, that was my reaction too!”

Since I am not watching the bottle, Tommi steals it away from me and gulps the vodka down straight from the bottle. He puts it down again and pushes it away from him. “We have a problem, Jonne.”

“Eero is not a problem!” I raise my voice, which is something I rarely do with Tommi. “And he isn’t a junkie either!”

“Why are you defending him? Do I need to remind you of the way he fucked up Heijaste?”

Tommi leans in closer and I know I have to be careful now. Tommi hasn’t drunk much, but alcohol affects him quickly. “We all make mistakes, Tommi! You aren’t infallible either!”

“That is different! I never let drugs fuck up my life, Jonne!”

Tommi is practically screaming and I am growing worried that Eero might hear us. “Keep your voice down. I have company in the bedroom.” I have no intention of telling Tommi that Eero’s staying with me – not when he is in this mood. Tommi raises an eyebrow curiously, but doesn’t address the matter. He is too keen on discussing Eero.

“Jonne, what are we going to do about this?”

“We have another brother, Tommi. We had better take care of him.” I check on the birth date and remark, “Eero is the Benjamin of the family. Did you see that?”

Tommi grumbles, “I did, so what?”

“Do you know anything about Eero? What his life was like when he was younger?”

“Do I need to?”

“Tommi, he is our brother! How can you say that?” I stare at my older brother in disbelief. “You are always so caring when it comes down to Ville and me...how can you be so harsh now?”

“Jonne, Eero is a fuck up!”

“Tommi, you are going to listen to me!” There is a noise in the hallway, but I pay it no attention. It is probably just the wind which is gaining in strength. There is not just a storm brewing outside. There is going to be a fucking tornado in the kitchen if Tommi doesn’t change the attitude he has got!

“Why are you defending him? I would have expected that coming from Ville, but you hardly know him!”

“Tommi, a few days ago, I came across Eero. He was singing in a bar, which had an open stage. He was in a bad way.”

“I told you...he is a junkie!”

Tommi sounds awfully convinced of himself, but it won’t stay that way – not if I have a say in it. “He is not a junkie, Tommi! Damn it! He has bronchitis because he didn’t take care of himself when he had a cold!”

“Jonne, there is no way—“

“I followed him home, Tommi! I talked to him and looked after him when he fainted! I cleaned up his room! He lives in one of those student buildings at the edge of the city!” I glare at Tommi when he tries to speak again. “No, you are going to fucking listen! I stayed with him during the night and took him to my doctor in the morning! He is no junkie, Tommi! He has fucking bronchitis! That is why he looks bad!”

Tommi doesn’t look so sure of himself anymore, but there’s still some defiance in his eyes. Tommi can be stubborn when he wants to and this is quite a shock to both of us. We never thought it possible that we had another brother.

“Jonne… What did you do?” Apprehension appears in Tommi’s eyes.

“I took him home with me and I have been looking after him ever since.” I glare at Tommi. “Don’t give me that look! You know what I am like! I have to help!”

Tommi blinks and shakes his head. “Eero is here?”

“Yes, and I hope for your sake that you didn’t wake him with your shouting!” Great, now I am shouting too! Tommi calms down and now I am the one being upset.

“Jonne, I am serious. What do we do about Eero? Do we tell him?”

I laugh bitterly. ‘Tommi, Eero knows that we are his brothers. He put your name down, didn’t he? And he told me…told me that he knows his brothers, but that he doesn’t want to face them. He is afraid that we don’t want him in our life. He is not right, is he, Tommi? Tell me that he is wrong.” Tommi doesn’t look sure of himself and I pray that he is going to be the big brother I have come to depend on. Please Tommi, don’t turn your back on Eero. If someone needs your support, it is him.

“I am not sure what to think of this, Jonne. I always thought Ville was my youngest brother and now I have a half-brother.”

“A brother who needs you.” I am not picky. I don’t make a difference between a brother and a half-brother. Eero’s family – that is what matters. “He will probably be disappointed that I told you but… Eero had a difficult childhood, Tommi. A social worker at the children’s home he lived at beat him up and a foster father sexually abused him.” Let us see if Tommi can still turn his back on Eero now.

Tommi looks at me in surprise. “I didn’t know that…”

I nod firmly. “Tommi, that could have happened to me too, or Ville, if we had been alone. We were lucky and had each other. Eero had no one…”

Tommi shrugs, but only half-heartedly. “Jonne, he is only our half-brother…”

“Tommi, we share the same blood. Let us not get into technicalities. We are brothers, alright?”

Tommi needs a moment to think everything over and then relents. “So what do you suggest we do? Apparently you learned more about Eero during these last few days than I during the months that I managed Heijaste.”

I take my time to consider my answer since I don’t want to rush into things. “We should tell Ville before we tell Eero that we know he is family.”

Tommi nods. “I can live with that… What else?”

Why is he asking me to make these decisions? Normally Tommi is the one who likes to control everything! “I need a little time to come to terms with this discovery. I suggest we wait a few days until we tell Eero we found out. I am afraid we might overreact otherwise.” Tommi nods again, seeming to agree with me. “Tommi, Eero is our brother, which means he is part of this family and family members support each other. *You* need to support him too. Stop saying he is a loser. It’s bad enough he believes he is one himself.” Tommi sighs and reaches for the vodka again. This time he is not getting any since I take hold of it first. “Make coffee instead.”

Tommi smiles at me. “You make a great big brother, Jonne.”

I grin at him. “I had the best teacher. Why don’t you make coffee and I check on Eero? I worry about him. He seems so fragile.”

“Jonne?” Tommi had moved over to the coffee machine and now looks at me from over his shoulder. “How bad is he?”

“Not as bad as he was a few days ago.” I get to my feet and walk over to Tommi. “I knew you cared.”

Tommi shrugs. “It is a shock finding out that I have a younger half-- sorry, brother.”

I rest a hand on his shoulder and pull Tommi against me. “Hey, it is a good thing.” Grinning, I add, "How do you think Granny will react when she finds out that she has another grandson?”

Tommi rolls his eyes. “She is going to spoil him rotten especially because he is the youngest.”

Tommi’s answer tells me that he is finally okay with Eero being a part of our family and I am relieved about that. “I should check on him. Make some tea too, will you? I will bring Eero along with me so we can have some.”

Tommi nods. “I will behave, I promise.”

“Thanks.” I hug him. “Eero really needs a big brother, Tommi. He really does. And I don’t mean me or Ville by that. He needs someone like you to protect him.”

“I will think about it. Go check on him then.”

Tommi turns me around and I grin at him from over my shoulder. We successfully mastered our little crisis and Tommi pulled through. I walk over to the guestroom and knock on the door. When I don’t get a response, I push the door open and look inside. My heart misses a beat at the sight of the empty bed. “Eero?” I enter the room and look about, but he is not in the room. Maybe he went to the bathroom so I check there too, but the bathroom is empty too. Feeling puzzled, I head for the living room and see that Eero’s shoulder bag is gone. “Eero!” I call out, but there is no response and then I remember hearing that noise in the hallway. It had sounded like someone closing the front door, but I had chalked it up to the breeze when I had heard it.

“Jonne? What is wrong?” Tommi steps into the room and watches me worriedly.

I gasp in shock. “Tommi, he is gone… His shoulder bag is gone too…” My head spins. “Did he hear us talk in the kitchen? I thought I heard the door close, but…”

“He left?” Tommi asks, obviously just to make sure. He has an uncertain expression on his face as if he doesn’t know what to think of it.

“He must have heard us talk and… You said that Eero was a fuck up, and a moment later, I heard that noise… He didn’t listen until the end… He just left…” I can’t believe he did that. “Tommi, we must find him. He is still weak and needs his medication!” A look out the window tells me that it is pouring. It is the worst weather for him to be exposed to. “He will get pneumonia if we don’t find him. Tommi…” I gaze pleadingly at my brother. “Eero is out there and he needs us...his brothers.”

Tommi sighs. “Do you have any idea where we can find him?”

“I don’t,” I admit and feel nervous. “But maybe Ville does. Those two were best friends.”

“Then call Ville and let’s find out.”

TBC

Part 5

I dial Ville’s number and hope that he is able to answer the call. I don’t know if he is already ‘off-duty’ so to speak and I am afraid to think of what can happen if we can’t find Eero until the morning. The weather has turned even worse and has become a thunderstorm.

“Ville Liimatainen.”

“Ville, I was never happier to hear your voice!” I gesture Tommi to get closer and tilt the phone so we can both listen and talk to Ville.

“Miss me that much?” Ville quips, obviously amused.

“Ville,” I hate to be this so direct, but we are running out of time. “I need to tell you something very important.”

“What is it?” Ville turns serious at once. “Did something happen to Tommi?”

“I am fine,” Tommi says. “And Jonne is fine too. We found something out though.”

“What did you find out?” Ville sounds alarmed.

“It is about Eero… He is our half-brother,” Tommi explains. “Different father, but our mother is his mother too.”

I suck in my breath and glare at Tommi. He could have been a bit more tactful!

“I already know that…”

Ville’s answer stuns both of us and we stare at each in surprise. I manage to speak first though. “You knew?”

“I found out by accident,” Ville says. “We had gone out and I had been too drunk to walk home so we had shared a bed. And no, nothing had happened!”

I look guiltily at Tommi since I can’t deny that I had worried about that. “How did you find out?”

“The next morning, Eero had left early because he had needed to attend a class. I had been still half drunk and had knocked over a pile of his books. A piece of paper had ended up on the floor and I had looked at it. It had been a document from the home that he had lived at – and his parents’ names had been on it.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Tommi sounds angry and I understand why. I would have liked to know too!

“It happened four months ago. I wanted to tell the two of you, but at that time, I had started to hang out with Christus and was drunk most of the time. Somehow I never got around to addressing the matter and then you sent me to the army.”

I roll my eyes. “Ville, you should have told us!”

“I was stunned...and I wasn’t sure what to do. Sure, I wanted to tell you, but I had no idea how you were going to react or how Eero was going to react when he found out. I care for him, Jonne. He is my best friend.”

I sigh deeply. “Ville, Eero has been ill lately and I took him in. He has been at my place these last few days.”

“That is good. He needs someone to look after him. I wanted to do that for him, but…Fuck, why did I have to drink all the time?”

“It is no use blaming yourself now,” Tommi says.

“I know that, but still… I could have made a difference if I had been sober instead!”

“Ville, Eero left unexpectedly. He heard us discuss the matter and he ran away. We need to find him quickly. There is a thunderstorm going on and…” Damn it! “I still have his key. He can’t go home!”

“You need to know his favorite places to hang out,” Ville realizes. “He doesn’t have many. If he doesn’t want to be found he won’t go to a bar. You might find him at the Tammerkoski since he loves to sit there and just stare at the water…or… Do you know the little park behind the theatre? He likes going there too.”

“Tommi and I are going to check both places. I will call again you if we don’t find him!” For Eero’s sake, I hope he went to one of those places.

“Call me anyway. I want to know how he is doing!”

“I will, and thanks, Ville.” I switch off the phone and look at Tommi. “We need to get going now!”

~~~

“Where do we check first?” I cling to my umbrella since the storm is still growing strong and it is hard to hold on to it.

“Tammerkoski first and then the park,” Tommi decides. He puts up the collar of his raincoat and takes the lead. I quickly catch up with him and together we run more than walk down the stairs. I don’t see anyone at first glance, but the whipping rain isn’t helping and clouds my sight. “I don’t think he is here. The benches are empty.” I have to scream to reach Tommi as the wind howls around us.

“Let us check beneath the trees too!”

Tommi indicates which way he wants to go and I nod. We have to check each spot before we move on. I curse the storm, which explodes over our heads with forks of lightning. Thunder roars in the sky and I shudder. I hate being out here in this weather.

“Over there!” Tommi suddenly yells and points to his right.

I look in the direction he is pointing as a bolt of lightning lightens up the sky and enables me to see more clearly. Tommi is right: there is someone huddled under the tree. Doesn’t Eero know how dangerous it is to take shelter there? “Let us get him!” I call back to Tommi and we start running.

It is Eero and I never felt such relief in my life before. “Let us move him to the car!” Tommi nods and, while I shelter them from the rain using my umbrella, Tommi lifts Eero in his arms and presses him close. We are forced to walk slower now and it seems like an eternity before we reach Tommi’s car. I open the door to the back seat, slip inside, and take hold of Eero when Tommi hands him to me. “I have got him,” I tell Tommi the moment Eero is tucked in my arms. Tommi closes the car door and moves to the front. He gets behind the wheel and switches on the small light in the front so we can have a look at Eero. “He is unconscious.”

Tommi nods. “He probably overestimated his strength if he is really as weak as you said.”

“Tommi, we need to take him home. He needs to be in a warm bed.” Tommi starts the engine and drives us home. “Why did he do that, Tommi? Why did he run?” I wipe rainwater from Eero’s face, but it doesn’t help much since he is soaked. Damn it, he didn’t even bother putting on a coat!

“Maybe he got scared and didn’t want to face us… We will ask him when he wakes up.” Tommi needs to keep his wits about himself while driving so I remain silent in the back.

~~~

Tommi settles down in the chair next to the bed and looks first at me and then at Eero. Getting him out of his wet clothes had taken time, but we had managed and had gotten him into Ville’s pajamas instead. I had dried his hair and then we had tucked him into bed. He is warm and safe now, but the fact that he had slipped away so easily frightens me. I was scared that he would do something stupid and now he did. Stroking Eero’s hair, I study his face – my brother’s face and I swallow hard. “Tommi, people always said that there is an uncanny resemblance between us.”

Tommi nods and shifts his chair closer to the bed. “There is. He resembles you more than Ville does.”

“And we never wondered why there is such a resemblance!”

“We never thought something like this was possible,” Tommi comforts me.

“That’s true.” I cock my head and smile at Eero. “We know the truth now.”

“We can’t postpone that conversation.”

Tommi is right. We need to talk to Eero the moment he wakes up. He needs to know that we accept him and that running away isn’t acceptable. “I am still stunned that Ville knew about this.”

“And I am pissed off that he didn’t tell us.”

“It can’t have been easy on Ville. He probably felt trapped. He didn’t want to do anything wrong.” Eero’s brow still feels feverish. “Remind me that he needs to take his medication when he wakes up.”

“I will,” Tommy says and studies Eero as well. “We have another brother,” he whispers eventually. “I never thought…” Tommi grows quiet the moment Eero stirs. He coughs a bit and then curls onto his side, pulling his knees against his chest. “Maybe we should wake him so he can take those pills.”

“Can you get them for me along with some orange juice? They are on the coffee table.”

Tommi rises from his chair and retrieves the pills and orange juice for me. “Thanks.” I place everything on the nightstand and exchange a look with Tommi. “What do you say? Do we wake him?” Eero has been out of it since we found him.

“We can try. I am not sure we will succeed considering the state he is in.”

I agree. It might be hard to have a rational conversation with Eero. “Let’s try.” I take hold of his shoulders and shake him lightly. “Eero? Wake up, will you? We need to talk.” I don’t expect a reaction or Eero waking up, but then he opens his eyes and stares at me in shock. Eero is awake and panicking. “Eero, please don’t be afraid. Everything is fine.” My reassurance does little to calm him down though, and to make things even worse, a coughing fit seizes him. I pull him against me and look at Tommi. “Give me two of those pills and some juice.”

Tommi removes them from the bottle and hands them to me. “I want you to take these. We will make sure you eat something later.” Eero’s hands shake badly, so I put the pills on his tongue instead. I place the glass at his lips and he drinks some of it to wash down the pills. “You will feel better shortly,” I comfort him as I lower him back onto the pillows. “Eero, I know that you are not feeling well, but the three of us need to talk and I have the feeling you know about what.”

Eero is careful not to look at either of us. Although his head is tilted in my direction, he stares past me at the wall. He definitely seems afraid to look at Tommi and I understand why he feels uncomfortable if he overheard the first part of our conversation in the kitchen. “Eero, we know that you are our brother. The insurance company provided Tommi with the data. He wondered about you putting down his name as next of kin.”

“Why did you do that?” Tommi asks as he exchanges his chair for the side of the bed. His move brings the panic back to Eero’s eyes and he moves closer toward me.

“I…don’t know…” Eero whispers in a raw voice. “Wasn’t thinking…straight…”

“You were already ill a month ago,” I realize. “And you did get help.”

“They said…it was just a cold… Nothing to worry about…”

Eero coughs and I hand him a box filled with tissues. “I want a word with that doctor,” I say and smile at Eero. “He didn’t take care of you.” My fingers slide through the damp hair and massage his scalp, which always soothes Ville so hopefully it works for Eero as well.

“It doesn’t matter…” Eero tries to move away from me, but since Tommi is sitting on the other side of the bed, he doesn’t have much space to maneuver in and stays put in the end. “Why did you…come after…me? It would have been…easier…if you hadn’t.”

The sadness in Eero’s voice hits me hard and I want to comfort him, but to my surprise it is Tommi who addresses Eero first.

“Eero? Will you look at me? It is already hard enough doing this...and I would rather not stare at your back while telling you this.”

Tommi sounds calm and his voice gentle, but Eero flinches anyway. “You can’t run away forever,” I add.

Eero sighs deeply, which makes him cough again, but then he turns onto his back. He pushes himself upright, reclines into the pillows, and pulls the comforter up to his chin. He is trying to hide and seeing it hurts. I don’t want him to be afraid of Tommi.

“Thanks.” Tommi runs his hand through his long hair, which had escaped from the hair clip during our search. “This isn’t easy on you…and it isn’t easy on me either.”

Eero’s face reflects his fear and I take his hand in mine to show him my support. I know Tommi well enough to know that he accepts this. Eero doesn’t have to be afraid.

“Tommi… You don’t have to… It is okay… I don’t plan on staying here…and bothering you…” Eero coughs again and turns his head away from Tommi, but unfortunately for him that means he is looking at me now. Tommi draws in a deep breath and moves closer to Eero. Eero tries to get away, but Tommi places his hands on either side of Eero’s head and turns it back toward him. Eero is forced to look at him and his trembling increases.

“Eero, I remember the day Jonne was born like it happened yesterday. I was thrilled to have a younger brother. You have no idea how serious I took my role as his older brother and I watched him every minute of the day. When he crawled away, I pulled him back and made sure he remained close.”

I smile at Tommi. I actually remember trying to get away from him and Tommi picking me up and putting me down close to him. I love him for it.

“When Ville was born, it was Jonne’s turn to play big brother and I stepped back. Sure, I watched both of them and I still do, but my role changed. Jonne was the big brother now.”

I giggle. I love being Ville’s big brother and confidante and Tommi is right. My bond with Ville is different from the one he has with Ville, but all three of us are close. Eero seems confused and is probably wondering why Tommi is telling him this. I think I know where Tommi is taking this, but I keep quiet for now.

“But I am not trying to…tear…that apart…I am not…” Eero is close to tears. “I don’t want to…”

“Listen to me…” Tommi takes Eero’s hand in his and studies his brother’s fingers. The move utterly confuses Eero and his emotions are all over his face. He can’t hide a thing at the moment. “When I found out that we’re related, I was seriously pissed off. Not because you are my half-brother, but because nobody told me – us,” Tommi adds the last bit after looking at me. I nod and hope he will continue, which he does. “I couldn’t believe it at first. It is always been the three of us, Ville, Jonne, and me and now everything changed.”

“I am not…really…family,” Eero manages weakly. “Don’t… bother…with me.”

Tommi looks determinedly at Eero. “That is where you are wrong. You *are* family.”

Tommi’s behavior confuses Eero and it is obvious that he doesn’t know how to react to Tommi’s statements. “But…” Eero starts, but then seems lost for words.

“Hey, I am talking, remember?” Tommi smiles and Eero’s eyes widen at seeing that. “I was angry at first, but when Jonne and I got talking, I realized that I am angry with our mother and the way she handled the situation.” Tommi shakes his head. “Why didn’t she tell us? We have a brother and didn’t know about it. That is mean.”

Eero opens his mouth to say something, but Tommi shakes his head again and Eero abandons his efforts to speak. “Eero, you are not to blame for what happened back then. I want you to know that. Our mother made a mistake, not you.”

“The mistake…is…that she had me?” Eero whispers before Tommi can stop him.

“No!” Tommi stares at Eero in shock. “And you are not saying that ever again! And stop thinking it too!”

I can’t help it: I chuckle. That is the Tommi I know!

“But…” Eero doesn’t get very far though. Tommi pushes his arms beneath him and pulls Eero into an embrace. I let go of his hand and smile at them. The stunned expression on Eero’s face is priceless.

“The mistake I was referring to is that she put you in a home and kept you a secret! If I had known about you, I would have gotten you out of there! Eero…” Tommi moves a little bit away so he can look Eero in the eye. “You *are* my brother and I will do my best to live up to that part. Not because I must, but because I want to. We are a family, Eero, and you had better accept that you are a part of it. Now that you have gotten into the Liimatainen clan, there is no way out for you!”

I smile brightly at Tommi. I couldn’t have said it better. I just hope he got through to Eero. “He is right,” I say, as I move closer to them and wrap my arms around Eero. “You are part of the family now, Eero, and you are the youngest. You have three older brothers who are going to tell you what to do.” I meant that last part as a joke and I am relieved when Eero smiles weakly at me. “But I don’t think you mind, do you?” Eero shakes his head and once more tears appear in his eyes, but this time, I doubt he cries out of sadness. “Happy tears?” I whisper and smile at him. He nods and then rests his head against Tommi’s shoulder. I am proud of him. I know how hard it must be for Eero to trust Tommi and me like that.

“You are probably still tired,” Tommi whispers and rubs Eero’s back. “We will let you go back to sleep now, but no more running away, do you hear me?” He lowers Eero back into the pillows and smoothes some stray strands away from our brother’s face. “Promise me.”

“I...promise,” Eero mutters beneath his breath. His eyes are closing already, but his hand searches for Tommi’s, and my older brother curls his fingers around it.

“He’s already half asleep,” I whisper and smile at Tommi. “That was a great speech.”

Tommi smiles shyly. “I still need time getting used to this though.”

“We all do,” I comfort him. “But we made a start.”

“And now we have to make sure that he doesn’t run away again. I doubt we convinced him.”

“I agree. We will keep a close eye on him. After all, we are his big brothers,” I say and wink at Tommi, who grins back at me.

~~~

“Ville, it is me… I hope I am not calling too late?” I don’t know what time they have to be in bed.

“It’s okay. I smuggled my phone with me and the guys in here know that it is an emergency. Did you find him?”

“We did, at the Tammerkoski. We brought him home with us and he is asleep in the guestroom. We put him in some of your pajamas...I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not! How bad is he?”

“He is okay. Exhausted and it might take him longer to rid himself of that bronchitis, but we got to him in time.”

“Did you talk to him about…? And how did Tommi react when you found him?”

“I am proud of both of them, Ville. Tommi told Eero that he is part of the family and that he had better do as his brothers tell him to. That stunned Eero.”

“I know what Tommi is like when he gets carried away!” Ville chuckles softly. “I am glad that you found Eero and that he is with you. Tell him I love him, will you?” Ville giggles. “Hey, I have a younger brother now! Do I get to boss Eero around too?”

“You had better be careful or Tommi and I will boss both of you around! You are only eleven months older than Eero, so don’t get cocky.” I grin and am relieved about the way this has worked out. “Get some sleep, Ville. Eero is in good hands and you probably have a long day ahead of you tomorrow.”

“I love you, Jonne, and tell Tommi and Eero that too!”

“I will! Bye Ville!” I terminate the call and place the phone on the coffee table. Rubbing my brow, I hope that the worst is behind us and that we will get some rest.

~~~

“What are you doing?” The noise coming from the kitchen had made me curious, so I had decided to check on it. Why is Tommi cooking at ten in the evening? “Are you *that* hungry?”

“Aren’t you? We have been busy all evening and the last meal I had was breakfast.” Tommi drains the pasta and gives me a calculating look. “Do you think Eero can manage some?”

That question had crossed my mind too. “He should eat.” Especially since he had already taken those pills an hour ago. “I will find out.” I leave Tommi to his pasta and step into the guestroom. To my surprise, Eero is awake. “Hey, I thought you were still asleep.” I sit down next to him.

“I don’t want to sleep anymore,” he whispers shakily.

I stroke his hair and cock my head questioningly. “Did you have a nightmare?” Eero pulls away from me, but I stop him. “Don’t run away from me. I am here to help. That is what brothers do. They support each other.” He has to learn that he isn’t alone anymore. “Tommi made pasta and we are wondering if you are up to eating. You need something in your stomach.”

“I am not hungry,” Eero says, but his statement isn’t really convincing when his stomach growls at exactly the same moment. “Well, maybe a little,” he admits and blushes.

“Then let’s join Tommi in the kitchen before he eats it by himself.” I push the comforter out of the way and pull Eero to his feet. He looks down at the pajamas he is wearing and his expression makes me grin. “Arttu gave Ville those for Christmas last year. He thought the bunny print was hilarious.”

Eero blinks. “I am wearing pajamas with bunnies on them?”

“Yes, you are! Don’t worry about it. Lots of strange stuff will happen now that you are part of this family!” I wrap an arm around his shoulder and start walking. Eero however stops dead in his tracks and gazes pleadingly at me. “What is it?”

“Did it really happen? That conversation? Or did I just dream it?”

He seems unsure and I nod firmly. “If you mean Tommi’s little speech about welcoming you into the family – that happened.” Eero moistens his lips, stares at me for a minute, and then tries to say something, but although his lips move, there are no words leaving his mouth. “There is no reason to be shocked. We would have accepted you into the family a long time ago *if* we had known about you.”

“You don’t mind? You are really okay with me plunging into your life like that?”

“Yes, Eero, we are more than okay with that.” I give him a quick hug and then steer him toward the kitchen. “And don’t be scared of Tommi. He is a nice guy.”

“It is just… I never thought he would accept it let alone want me as his half-brother.”

“Brother…” I correct him. “We are not picky.” I lean in closer and press a kiss onto his brow. Eero blinks dazedly and it makes me grin. “You will get used to being kissed and hugged all the time. Tommi isn’t that big a hugger, but I am and you probably found out firsthand that Ville likes to cuddle too.”

Eero nods and once we have reached the kitchen table, we sit down. Eero keeps his gaze lowered and his body language tells me that he still feels uncomfortable around Tommi. It is something we need to work on.

“I hope you are hungry,” Tommi says and places two plates in front of us. He kept Eero’s potion small, so it is manageable for him. “I also grated some cheese,” he adds as he puts his own plate onto the kitchen table as well. Tommi sits down opposite Eero and tries to catch his gaze, but Eero is determined to look everywhere except at Tommi and I sigh deeply. Tommi gives me a puzzled look at which I shrug my shoulders. I don’t have the answer either. “Eero?” Tommi rests his hand on top Eero’s and rubs his fingers. “I am sorry I hurt your feelings earlier. I should never have said that you are a junkie and a fuck up. I was angry with myself for not finding out the truth earlier.” Eero moves to free his hand, but Tommi doesn’t allow it.

“It doesn’t matter. You are right anyway. I *am* a loser.”

My features contort at hearing that and I am about to tell Eero that it is not true when Tommi beats me to it.

“That is not true, Eero. You are going through a rough time, but that doesn’t make you a loser. I made mistakes too, but that doesn’t make me a loser either. I learned from the mistakes I made and so will you.” Tommi places a finger beneath Eero’s chin and raises his head. “Can you forgive me for saying those things about you?”

Eero gasps and his eyes widen. “But they are true.”

“No, they are not, but I can see that you don’t believe me when I tell you that. We will work on that. And once you realize the truth, you will forgive me.”

Eero closes his eyes and moves his head away from Tommi’s hold. We are putting too much pressure on Eero and I try to distract him. “Try the pasta. Tommi is a good cook when he wants to.” Eero wants to say something and I already know what, so I beat him to it. “Forget it. I will make you eat it anyway.” Eero opens his eyes, looks at me, and gives me a tiny smile. I notice it though and smile back at him. New beginnings are always fragile, but we will get there eventually.

The end

(To be continued in Lost Soul)