Title: True Colors
Author: Morgana
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairings: Jonne/Japa, Eero/Arttu, Tommi/Juha,
Ville/Pasi
Rating: NC-17
Summary: While Arttu recovers from
his accident, things happen in Jonne’s life.
Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright
infringement is intended.
All mistakes are mine.
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Part 1
I feel nervous – when I talked to
Pasi on the phone an hour ago, he sounded like he always does, but something
has changed, at least for me. We had sex the other night. I didn’t plan it: not
really. In a way, it just happened, although I did scheme a little.
I come to a halt on the pavement and
don’t move. I stand in front of the Dog’s Home, where Pasi said I could meet
him, but I’m scared to go inside. I don’t know how to act around him and I’ll
probably do something utterly stupid. I draw in a deep breath and count to ten.
A therapist once told me that I should do that when I’m nervous. I don’t think
it helps, but it’s something concrete in a changing world.
I reach for the door, push it ajar,
and carefully look inside. At first sight, I don’t see Pasi anywhere, but when
I look closer, I catch him sitting in the back. He isn’t alone though. My heart
misses a beat and my mouth goes dry. I’ve seen the other guy about: his name is
Teemu if I’m not mistaken. I can’t see much of his face because a waterfall of
long dreads hide his features. I’m hesitant to approach, as they’re talking.
I’m still trying to make up my mind
when Teemu gets to his feet. My heart misses another beat when he bends down to
embrace Pasi, who returns the hug. I catch the quick kiss which Pasi places
onto Teemu’s cheek and my stomach starts to act up. Was I played again? It
wouldn’t be the first time that someone took advantage of me.
“Ville! I’m over here!” Pasi has
caught sight of me and waves at me.
I consider turning my back on him and
leave, but then Teemu passes me by and smiles warmly at me. A moment later,
he’s out of the door and I can no longer ask him what’s going on.
“Ville?”
Pasi called my name again, but I
still don’t feel like moving. I have the nauseating feeling that I’ve fallen
into another trap. In the end, I tell myself to get moving. Either I face Pasi
and get it over with, or I walk out of that door and never talk to him again.
My feet make my decision for me and carry me to the back of the pub, right over
to Pasi’s table.
“Ville, is something wrong? You don’t
look well.”
The next thing I know is Pasi taking
hold of my arm and pulling me onto the couch next to him. I let him – I’m too taken
aback to stop him.
“Ville? Are you all right? Come on,
talk to me…”
Pasi sounds worried and I release the
breath I had been holding – for whatever reason. “I don’t feel well,” I manage
eventually. I feel lost, played, and to some extent, angry.
“Here, drink something…That might
help.”
Pasi curls my fingers around the mug
standing in front of him. It’s half empty and I eye it suspiciously. “I don’t
drink alcohol.” I’m sorely tempted, but I’m not giving in because Pasi isn’t
the boyfriend material I had hoped he might be.
“It’s tea,” Pasi says softly. “Herbal
tea, and it might taste funny, but there’s no alcohol in it…”
I don’t want to drink it and push his
hands away. “I don’t want it – leave me alone.”
Pasi puts the mug back onto the table
and frowns. “Ville?” He cocks his head and tries to make eye contact, but as
I’m still angry, I turn my head away from him. “What’s going on? Why are you
angry?”
“Why?” Suddenly my anger explodes and
I know that I should restrain myself. I should keep my big mouth shut and leave
the place before I worsen the situation. “You fucked me the other night and now
you’re kissing someone else? How would that make you feel?” I glare at him, and
am about to jump up and storm out of the pub, when Pasi moves closer and runs
his thumb along my cheek. The caress fuels my anger and I move away from him.
“Stop it!”
“Ville, that was Teemu… He’s Jussi’s youngest brother, remember? His girlfriend dumped
him yesterday and he needed someone to talk to. As Jussi and Janne are out of
town, he sought me out. We’re like brothers… I’ve known Teemu for most of his
life… He’s a good friend – and nothing more than that.”
Pasi’s eyes radiate warmth as he
looks at me. I blink and don’t know what to make of his words. “Why did you
kiss him then?”
“Why do you kiss Jonne? Or Arttu? Or
Eero? Or Jay?”
I blush at the mention of Jay’s name:
I had hoped everyone had forgotten about that. “That was in the heat of the
moment. Flinch supported Negative and Jonne called us back onto the stage at
the end of their gig… Jay was close… It didn’t mean anything.”
“And me kissing Teemu doesn’t mean
anything either… Don’t read anything in to
it that isn’t there… Please…”
Pasi’s calm expression registers with
me and I realize that he’s being honest. Instantly I feel ashamed of my
accusing reaction. “Sorry,” I offer in a tiny voice. “My mistake…” But it had
looked like Pasi had gotten himself a new boyfriend! Not that I ever was his
boyfriend to begin with, but still – I had hopes.
Pasi pushes his mug towards me and
gives me a hopeful look. “Try it.”
I sigh, curl my fingers around the
mug, and sip. It tastes gross and I quickly push it away again. “How can you
drink that?”
“I happen to like herbal teas,” Pasi
says and smiles. “Now, let’s talk about the really important things, as that’s
why we’re here.”
The sinking sensation in the pit of
my stomach is back and I feel nauseous again. Please don’t tell me he took me
home because he wanted to prove something to his friends – or because I made it
too damn easy for him to fuck me – or even worse, because he planned on winning
a bet – please don’t. “Give it to me straight…” Pasi frowns again and a puzzled
look appears in his eyes, but then his features turn grim.
“I’m not Christus – give me some
credit…”
That simple comment makes me lower my
gaze. I stare at the mug in front of me and don’t dare look at Pasi again. This
is hard on me for several reasons: Pasi knows a lot about me and has the power
to reduce me to nothing with a single remark – as he just proved.
Pasi sighs and shakes his head.
“Sorry, I said that all wrong…”
Pasi’s hand seeks out mine and he
pulls it into his lap. I have no idea what to make of that move, but resist
peeking at him.
“You weren’t part of a bet, Ville. I
would never do that to you.”
I swallow convulsively – I don’t want
to be having this conversation. “Forget about it.”
“You never really worked through
that, did you?”
Pasi’s thumb caresses the palm of my
hand, and the unexpected, but craved, caress makes me look at him. He looks
guilty and gives me a pleading look. “What Christus did was cruel, but I was
stupid enough to believe him. It was my fault to begin with, Pasi. I was stupid
enough to think that Christus was seriously interested in me! I should have
known better!”
Back then, I’d had a crush on
Christus: Jonne had just broken up with him. Christus was single again, and
when he had told me he liked me and wanted to be with me, I had said yes – way
too eagerly though. For some time I had told myself that I’d had sex with him
because I had been too drunk to deny him. But that hadn’t been true: I had
wanted him from the start and when Jonne had dumped him… I had only thought of
being loved… Of having Christus to myself. So I had allowed him to drag me to
his bed – which had been a dirty mattress in a neglected house without any
electricity or working plumbing. I had let him fuck me and I’d loved it… Until
the next morning…
The next morning, Macceus had been
there, and Christus had been yelling that Macceus should pay up. He had won the
bet, hadn’t he? He had fucked Jonne’s little brother! He had earned those fifty
euro. I had been so stupid…
I had cried, had gathered my clothes,
and had run home where I had promptly run into Tommi. I hadn’t dared tell him
what had happened and he had drawn his own conclusions – telling me I was
irresponsible and that he’d had enough. I would be leaving for the army in two
days. I had reached a point where I simply didn’t care anymore and just let
Tommi take me to the train station two days later.
“Ville, hey, what’s happening in that
head of yours? You look like you’re about to burst out into tears.”
Pasi sounds worried and hearing his
voice makes me focus on the present. “Sorry, but…your comment took me back to…”
Pasi nods and I’m relieved that I don’t need to spell it out to him. He knows
what Christus did to me, because he caught him bragging about it one night. I
don’t know what happened between them, but after that, Christus always kept his
distance and he stopped giving me that smug look. My God, I hope Jonne will
never find out – I would never be able to look him in the eye again.
“Maybe this isn’t the best place to
discuss such private matters,” Pasi ponders. “Maybe we should go to my place?”
He looks toward me for an answer –
I’m not sure though. We spent the night at his place and it might be odd to be
back there.
“Ville? You know me – you’re safe
with me…”
Pasi’s right – he isn’t like Christus
– and I nod. “Okay, let’s go there…” I hate the way my voice shakes, as it reveals
the emotional turmoil I’m in. Pasi puts money on the table to pay for his drink
and slips into his coat. He slides off the couch, gets to his feet, and extends
his arm toward me. I stare at his hand, and then take it into mine, allowing
him to pull me to my feet.
Pasi studies me, and then releases my
hand, which I quickly shove into a pocket. I don’t feel at ease around him and
need to talk to him first. I need to know where we stand.
~~~
“Give me your coat, will you?”
Pasi stands in the hallway, waiting
for me to hand my coat to him. I’ve been standing there for some minutes,
trying to make up my mind – why am I here? I should have walked away when I had
the chance instead of facing him. “I’m keeping it on.”
Pasi bites onto his bottom lip, but
then relaxes and sighs. “If that makes you feel better… Let’s go into the
kitchen and I’ll make coffee, as you don’t like tea.”
I stubbornly refuse to make eye
contact and enter the kitchen. I slide onto the chair furthest away from the
kitchen counter and cross my arms in front of my chest defensively. Pasi busies
himself with the coffee maker, and once the coffee is ready, he pours it into a
mug, to which he then adds sugar and milk. He places it in front of me and
tries to catch my gaze again. I refuse to look at him though and pull the
coffee closer instead.
“Ville, tell me what you’re thinking.
I can’t read your thoughts, although I suspect I know what’s going on in your
head I want you to hear you say it.”
I glare at him. “Tell me then! What
do you think is going on?”
“You feel insecure – you’re feeling
hurt. I’m not quite sure why, and that’s why you need to talk. Is it about what
happened the other night?”
I continue to glare at him, but in
the end, I wonder why I blame Pasi for what happened. It was my fault – not
his. I focus on calming down, and once I feel more in control, I shrug. “I owe
you an apology.”
Pasi blinks in surprise. “And why’s
that?”
I’ve never seen him looking that
lost. “I made you drunk that evening… I fed you drinks and…”
Pasi quickly and resolutely shakes
his head. “I had four beers, Ville. Do you really think that makes me drunk?”
His hand sneaks across the table and
he keeps it there, palm open, turned up, waiting and probably hoping for me to
put my hand in his. I won’t do that though. “Pasi, we both know that you would
have never let me into your bed if you hadn’t been drunk! It’s all my fault!”
“That night wasn’t a mistake,” Pasi
says firmly. “I wanted it too.”
Stunned, I stare at him in shock.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me. I wanted you too.”
Pasi smiles and nods. “I wanted you too,” he repeats.
“For one night – yes…” I feel
miserable all over again, although I don’t know why. My feelings are taking me
on a rollercoaster ride and I have no idea why it’s happening. Pasi moves
closer and resolutely claims my right hand. He closes his fingers over mine and
cocks his head until I feel guilty about avoiding him. So I draw in a deep
breath and answer his gaze. “Pasi, where do we stand? Are we still friends? Or
should I stay clear of you? I don’t know what to make of this.”
Pasi takes his time answering me, and
when he remains quiet, I grow even more worried. This can’t be good.
“Ville,” Pasi says in a remarkably
tender voice, “I should have known you would make this into something
complicated.” I raise an eyebrow at him and want to lash out, but Pasi shakes
his head. “Don’t – you made this into something it isn’t. And now I want you to
listen closely, because I’m going to explain this to you and you can trust me
to tell the truth, okay?”
I have no idea what’s coming next,
but I nod. I don’t know what to say anyway.
“Ville, I wasn’t drunk that evening –
so stop telling yourself that. I knew what I was doing and what I was saying
yes to. Are you with me so far?”
I nod again, although I’m not sure
where Pasi is taking this.
“Okay…” Pasi smiles and then says, “I
took you to my place because I wanted your company. I took you to my bed
because you’re handsome, loving, and kind. I made love to you because I wanted
to know you in that way. I called you this morning because I worried about you.
Why did you leave first thing in the morning when I was still asleep? You
should have woken me – You shouldn’t have left like that – like a thief in the
night. I didn’t give you anything I wasn’t willing to give.”
I swallow nervously. “I did that on
purpose…” I admit in a heavy voice. “I didn’t want to see your expression when
you realized what had happened.”
“And what did happen?” Pasi asks
patiently.
“I don’t get it,” I explode. “How can
you want me? You fucked me because you were drunk – why would you do it
otherwise?”
“Oh, Ville…” Pasi moves closer and
carefully puts an arm around me. “I do hope that I didn’t just merely fuck you…
It was my intention to make love to you…”
Pasi’s words render me speechless. I
blink, stare at him, and try to say something, but for some reason, my lips
don’t move. Make love to me? What the hell is he talking about?
“If you hadn’t left like that, you
would have woken up in my arms and I wouldn’t have let you go easily. Ville, I
don’t want this to be just a one-night-stand. I’m not that kind of guy. I had
hoped it would be the beginning of something…steady…”
I can’t stop staring at Pasi. Steady?
What the hell…?
“I should probably have dated you
before making love to you, but… The night was perfect and so were you.”
I can’t believe the things I’m hearing.
I’m not perfect, and certainly not after the stunt I pulled – or thought I had
pulled. “Pasi, I have a hard time believing that.”
Pasi nods and his expression changes
– he might even understand what I’m talking about. “After what happened with
Christus… I find it hard to believe that anyone… Let alone someone who knows
what happened back then, would want me…”
“I get that,” Pasi replies calmly. “If
I had known about Christus’ plans back then, I would have stopped him… But I
can’t change the past – however, right now, I can tell you that I like you and
that I don’t want it to end in this way.”
“What do you want then?” I’m very
much aware of the fact that Pasi still holds my hand and caresses my fingers.
The touch feels odd, but in a good way.
“As I said before, I want to date
you… We shouldn’t have gone straight to having sex, but I can’t change that
either… I’m happy though that it happened – or else we wouldn’t be having this
conversation.”
“Okay, so let me get this straight…
You want to be with *me*. You know what you’re getting into?”
“I have a good idea, yes…” Pasi
raises his other arm and caresses my face with his fingertips. “Ville, you like
me, don’t you? I can’t believe you would have made love with me if there
weren’t any feelings involved.”
I grow flustered and nibble on my
bottom lip. Do I tell him that I’ve liked him for quite some time?
“Ville? Am I right about that? You
*do* like me, don’t you?”
I nod slowly. “I do…”
“Ville, we’re fine… Please don’t
think you’re in trouble…” Pasi places a finger beneath my chin and raises my
head that way: I have no choice but to look at him. “I guess mere words don’t
work with you,” Pasi whispers and smiles again. “I need a different way to
convince you that I mean it.”
What’s he talking about? I’m getting
worried and want to take action, but then Pasi leans in closer and presses his
lips onto mine. The kiss is unexpected and I’m stunned that he would kiss me.
My eyes widen in response and I stare into his. I read once that the eyes are
the mirrors of the soul, and if that’s the case, Pasi’s soul shines bright and
beautiful. I see no lies in them – just an inviting warmth. A warning flashes
in the back of my mind and startles me – what if he’s playing me? But then
again, what would he win? And besides that, Pasi isn’t the kind of guy who
manipulates people – he isn’t, I’m sure of that.
“Pasi…” I whisper his name after he
breaks off the kiss. “Everything happens so suddenly – and unexpected…I had
hoped it would turn out to be more than a one-night-stand, but I didn’t really
believe it. You need to understand…” Fuck, I can’t believe I’m going to tell
him this. “Deep down, I’m terribly insecure… I don’t trust people – expect for
my brothers that is – and maybe Arttu. I’ve let people down in the past and I
have a habit of fucking up things. Being on my own is a way to make sure no one
gets hurt. I’m scared that I will screw this up too, so maybe it’s best not to
get started.” I don’t know if any of my rambling makes sense, but that’s the
way I feel.
“I know where you’re coming from.”
Pasi nods, keeps his arm in place around me, and rests his brow against mine.
“I know that you got hurt many times, and I’m the last person who wants to
contribute to that. I’m honest when I tell you that I have feelings for you…
It’s not some ploy to get you into my bed. I won’t turn on you and make fun of
you. Please don’t let Christus ruin this.”
That’s easier said than done.
“Christus’ past actions contribute to my reaction, yes, but I’m scared of
hurting you mostly…” And Pasi is the last person I want to hurt. I curse myself
for having let my needs get the better of me the other night. What the hell was
I thinking when I had sex with Pasi? Why did I complicate our lives like that?
“Ville, why don’t you think
everything over in your own time? You look like you’re about to panic and
pressuring you is the last thing on my mind.” Pasi backs away, but continues to
hold onto my hand. “Did you eat yet?”
The sudden change in conversation
makes me blink again. “What?”
“I don’t know about you, but I’m
hungry… How about an early lunch?”
Why is he talking about lunch all of
a sudden?
“Ville, do you want to have lunch
with me and spend time together? Get to know each other? I would like that…”
Pasi looks at me with such a hopeful
look in his blue eyes that I find that I can’t deny him: I nod involuntarily.
The next moment however, I regret giving in. What the hell is wrong with me?
Why are my emotions all over the place? Why am I overreacting like this?
“I’ll make sandwiches and you’re not
drinking any more coffee…”
I stare at Pasi in surprise. “Why
not?”
“Because you don’t need any caffeine
when you’re already like this…” Pasi opens the fridge, removes the milk, and
pours it into a glass. “You had better drink that instead.”
“Milk?” Why does someone like Pasi
have milk at home in the first place?
“You’re cute when you’re confused…”
Pasi’s comment causes me to grow
flustered again. Fuck… I should never have listened to Eero – he’s to blame for
the situation I’m in! If only I knew how to act around Pasi! I know how to
handle anger, depression, solitude, or frustration, but I don’t know how to be
around someone who loves me in that way. I’m really fucked up, there’s no doubt
about it!
TBC
Part 2
Suddenly I find myself alone with
Jack. Eero dragged Antti off into Arttu’s bedroom to reunite the brothers, and
although I’m okay with that, I wished Eero had stayed behind. I pretend
disinterest, but from the corner of my eye, I see Jack collapse onto the couch.
His eyes widen suddenly and a frown appears on his face.
When I wake up, it’s dark already.
The music stopped playing a long time ago and I stretch – feeling rather
annoyed that I slept that long. I switch on the light, grab my phone, and check
the time. Damn, it’s six PM already. I slept almost eight hours! I got a
message in the meantime and I access it: Ville sent it and I grow curious.
*Will be at home around nine this
evening… Can I talk to you then?*
I answer at once and tell him that
I’ll be waiting for him. Of course we can talk! I put the phone aside, yawn and
stretch, and slide off the bed. I rub my face, trying to rid myself of the last
remnants of sleep, and tell myself to focus.
I get to my feet, leave the bedroom,
and switch on the light in the hallway and kitchen. I need coffee if I want to
survive tonight – especially if Ville needs to talk to me. I ready the coffee
maker and wait for it to start working. When it does, I turn around and squeeze
my eyes – why is there a leather jacket on the floor in the corridor?
Fuck, I forgot about Jack! Urged into
action, I head for Eero’s bedroom and knock. “Jack?” Is he still asleep or did
he wake up already? He must have… How else did that jacket end up in the
corridor? I wait for another minute, but as there’s no reply, I push the door
open further. Jack must have woken up at some time, because he rid himself of
his jacket and boots, which lay next to the bed.
I cringe at seeing the gigantic stain
on the pillowcase and comforter. Jack’s makeup is all over the place. It’s
everywhere, including all over his face. I find myself smiling at the sight and
approach the bed. Jack’s a few years younger than me, not much, but I do feel a
little protective of him right now. What should I do? Wake him or let him
sleep?
Jack stirs and the decision is made
for me when he opens his eyes. He tries to hide his face in the pillow and it’s
getting smeared with more makeup. I guess I’ll be doing laundry shortly. “Hey,
you might want to wake up…”
Jack opens one eye, looks at me, and
appears to consider my suggestion. “Why?”
The questions amuses me. “Because I
fell asleep too and now it’s six PM all of a sudden.”
“Good thing I don’t need to be
anywhere right now…” Jack turns onto his back, stretches, and then sits up. He
looks about, catches sight of the mess he made, and gives me an apologetic
look. “Sorry about that… It always happens when I forget to remove my makeup.”
“I’ll put it in the laundry – don’t
worry about it…”
“Thanks!” Jack gets to his feet and
looks about. “Ah yeah, right… I’m staying with you…”
He’s what? I gave him a bed because
he needed to sleep, but I can’t remember inviting him to stay! “Don’t you need
to go home?” Having Jack stay with me is a bad idea.
“Tomorrow… Or maybe the day after
that… I don’t have any plans right now…”
Jack walks up to me and comes to a
stop in front of me. “Do I smell coffee?”
“Yeah, I made some…” Now that he’s
close I stare at the mess on his face and shake my head at seeing it.
“Ah, it’s that bad? Do you mind me
cleaning up?”
Jack caught on fast, I must give him
that. “Bathroom is the second door on your right.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll find it…” Jack
marches out of the room and I shake my head at his actions. What am I supposed
to do about him staying here? I can’t kick him out –well, technically I can,
but I’m not like that. I focus on the mess he made of the bed and decide to put
on clean bed linen. That way, I’m busy and might forget about the problems Jack
presents.
I finish changing the bed linen too
quickly: Jack’s still on my mind. I
carry the dirtied fabric into the kitchen where I put it in the laundry basket.
“Do I look better now?”
I turn around to look at Jack and
swallow hard. Oh yes, now that the makeup is gone, he looks better. He looks
young, handsome, and attractive. I quickly look away again and point at the
kitchen table. “If you sit down I’ll get you some coffee.” Jack sits down and I
don’t need to look at him to know he’s staring at me – I can literally feel his
eyes on me.
“Is there a chance of getting
something to eat too? I’m not picky, everything goes.”
That doesn’t really help. I open the
cupboards and wonder what to get Jack.
“A peanut butter sandwich would be
great,” Jack says – maybe he picked up on my confusion.
“I’ve got peanut butter.” I remove it
from the shelves, get out the bread and butter, and am about to make Jack his
sandwich when he takes hold of the knife and starts doing so himself.
“There’s nothing wrong with my hands
– I can make a sandwich myself.”
By saying that, he draws my attention
to his hands. I noticed them before, and for some reason, I find them extremely
sexy. I never had a hand fetish before, but Jack’s fingers… I’ve got to stop
staring before I start blushing, or even worse, get hard. Jack starts to eat
and his gaze drifts off to the window.
“Is it dark already? Fuck!”
The fact that the darkness distresses
Jack makes me wonder why. Then I recall something Antti had said – that Jack
didn’t want to drive during the night and that they would wait for first light.
“Is that a problem?”
“It is because I had planned on
driving home today…” Jack munches on his sandwich, but remains preoccupied.
“Now I can’t get home…”
“And why is that? They don’t close
off the highway during the night.” I sip from my coffee and consider making a
sandwich myself, but I dismiss the idea as I’m not hungry.
“No, they don’t…” Jack has finished
his sandwich, but he’s still worried. “Jonne, can I ask for another favor?”
I arch an eyebrow and wonder what he
wants from me. “Depends on the favor.”
“Can I stay the night as well?”
Okay, I should have seen that one
coming, but I didn’t. “You can, if you tell me why you don’t want to drive
through the night.” Jack sighs, shrugs, and then retrieves his shoulder bag
from the hallway. He reaches inside and uncovers a pair of glasses set in a
thick, black frame. Okay, so he wears glasses – big deal!
“I suffer from something called Nyctalopia…” Jack says hesitantly while putting on his
glasses.
“You suffer
from what?” I never heard the word before, but then again, I’m no doctor, so
how am I supposed to know what he’s talking about? Hum, Jack looks different
with glasses on, but I like it – it gives him character.
“Night
blindness,” Jack explains, having mercy on me. “I don’t see well in the dark –
actually when it’s really dark, I don’t see a thing… Then even the glasses are
useless.”
I nod – I
reckon that explains why Jack doesn’t want to drive in the dark. “Sounds like a
nuisance…”
“Well, I’ve
had it since birth so I know how to deal with it.” Jack shrugs. “I don’t drive
during the night and I keep my glasses ready just in case… I don’t like wearing
them and most of the times, I don’t need them…”
When Jack
gives me an oddly intimate look, I realize that he told me something very
private. I get the impression that not many people know about this. “You can
stay the night…” I can’t possibly tell him to leave – maybe it’s because I
don’t want him to leave in the first place. “Thanks for telling me.” Jack’s
suddenly all smiles and seeing him like that makes me chuckle. “For what it’s
worth, I think the glasses make you look sophisticated.” A faint blush settles
onto Jack’s face and it makes him even more attractive.
“Christus
never uses words like that,” Jack says all of sudden.
The change
in topic strikes me as odd and I suspect he’s doing it on purpose because he
wants to talk about Christus. I decide to let him, but I tell myself to be on
my guard. “I would have been surprised if he did.” Jack moves some strands of
hair away from his face and peeks at me. “How’s he doing?” I have the feeling
he’s waiting for me to ask him that.
“Christus
is doing great,” Jacks says enthusiastically. “His life changed big time after
he left Tampere.”
Judging by
Jack’s eager tone, I reckon he wants to discuss Christus’ life in detail. I’m
not sure I want to hear it though.
“He has a
girlfriend these days…”
I grow
tense and wonder why Jack’s telling me this. “That’s good to hear,” I force
myself to say. I look everywhere except at Jack as I don’t want him to see the
emotions I’m going through.
“Her name
is Anna and she’s a kindergarten teacher…”
“That
doesn’t sound like his usual type,” I can’t help remark.
“Oh, his
type changed… She isn’t blond, but a brunette… Doesn’t look like a vamp with
big tits… She’s rather small, and although she’s got curves…” Jack gives me a
lopsided grin.
I’m still
not sure why Jack’s telling me this. “I’m happy he found someone.”
“Last week
she dragged him with her to work… They had ‘music day’ at the kindergarten and
Christus spend six hours trying to teach those kids to play the guitar. They
were more interested in the congos and he complained
about a headache when he called me that evening!”
I don’t say
anything anymore – I just let him talk. It’s good to hear that Christus
straightened out his life: it’s too bad though that he failed to do so when we
were still together. Apparently this “Anna” managed to do what I couldn’t, and
fuck, I feel jealous because of that!
“He’s back
to being a blond these days, but thankfully it’s not the hideous combination of
pink, red, and blond he had a year ago…”
“Can we
stop talking about Christus now?” I’ve heard enough – it’s obvious that
Christus no longer needs me. He actually got better after leaving Tampere and
more importantly – me.
“Sure… I thought
you would like to know he’s doing fine.” Jack frowns and seems confused. “You
were lovers once and…”
“That’s
enough… I’m not discussing this anymore.” I glare at Jack and give him a choice
– either he shuts up about Christus or he can walk out of the door and get
himself a hotel room.
“I’m
sorry…” Jack’s frown deepens. “I didn’t know that you’re still hurting because
of…him.”
I sigh
deeply. I just told Jack that I no longer wanted to discuss Christus and now
he’s addressing my emotional state. “Jack, I’m happy that Christus is doing
better, but I’m still angry with him, so discussing him is a bad idea.
Furthermore, my feelings are personal and I’m not going to discuss those
either!” Jack is right though – I still hurt because of Christus.
“Okay, I
get it… Let’s change the subject…” Jack gives me a long and pondering look.
“What are we going to do tonight?”
I feel
relieved: for one moment I was worried he was going to address something
personal again. “I don’t have any plans… Ville sent a message earlier and he’ll
be here after dinner.”
“So we’re
staying at home?”
I roll my
eyes. “What else would you do? Go out for dinner and have groupies stalk you?”
“Actually,
that sounds quite interesting!” Jack winks at me. “I liked that peanut butter
sandwich, but to be honest, I’m still hungry.”
“You can
make yourself another sandwich.” I’m alert though – Jack’s up to something.
“Let me buy
you dinner! You’re putting me up for the night and treating you to dinner is
the least I can do!”
I give Jack
a quick look, but his smile seems genuine. “I need to be back at nine though… I
don’t want to keep Ville waiting.” Why am I agreeing to going out for dinner
with Jack? I was ready to bite his head off five minutes ago! The truth is that
I like him and want to spend time with him… I’m only human after all; even I
want company.
“I’ll take
care of everything! We’ll have dinner and I’ll make sure that you’re home in
time, Cinderella.”
I roll my
eyes again – damn, I’ve been doing that a lot since I took Jack home. “I’m not
Cinderella!”
“We’ll see
about that… Come on, you need to change your clothes and I need to apply my
makeup!” Jack jumps to his feet and extends his arm toward me.
I look at
his hand, but don’t take it. “And what’s wrong with the clothes I’m wearing?”
I’m wearing jeans and a white sweater, which seems perfectly okay with me!
“We’re
going out for dinner, Jonne! Dress up! Look sexy! Wear that funky black leather
jacket you keep hidden in your closet! Use some eyeliner, eye shadow! I don’t
care – just get moving!” Jack has come alive and moves restlessly.
I take a
step away from him, just to be on the safe side. “Do I want to know where
you’re taking me?”
“You don’t
need to know! Don’t worry though – the food’s excellent and I’m going to pay
for it! Let’s have fun!”
I suppress
my urge to roll my eyes again – I thought Antti was high maintenance, but I
have the feeling that Jack might exhaust me too. “I’ll change, but only if you
tone it down…”
“Tone down
what?” Jack asks in a suspicious voice.
“The
makeup… I’m not having dinner with Alice Cooper in pink!” Let’s see how he
reacts to that!
“My makeup
is just fine!”
Jack stares
at me defiantly and I glare right back at him. “That’s the deal – I will dress
up, but you will tone it down.”
“I want you
to look sexy though…” Jack says and smiles all of a sudden. “You’ll wear the
leather jacket and something with holes in it – either a T-shirt or the pants.”
“No pink
eye shadow and a minimum amount of Kohl! If I judge it too much, you’ll get rid
of it!” What the hell am I doing and why can’t I stop it? It’s like a car crash
about to happen and I can’t stop it!
“Deal!
We’ve got a deal! Now get going!”
Suddenly,
I’m alone again. Jack sprinted off into the bathroom, dragging his shoulder bag
with him. He’s probably already working on his makeup, which means I need to
change my outfit. So Jack wants sexy? For one moment, I’m tempted to give him
exactly what he wants – I can do sexy – but the question is, should I?
TBC
Part 3
“You
haven’t moved yet! Why?” Jack returns to the kitchen where I’m enjoying some
orange juice.
“I’m not
going to make an effort dressing up when you might not prove presentable,” I
tell my nemesis. Jack looks good though – I have to give him that. He only used
thin eye liner and it makes his eyes stand out even more. The glasses are gone
and I’m curious if he’ll put them back on once we’re outside. “Do you need to
wear that hat though?” It obscures part of his face and messes up his hair.
“You didn’t
say anything about me having to style my hair!” Jack lectures me.
“Sit down
and let me have a look.” If I’m to have dinner with him, I want him to look his
best as he will be sitting opposite me all evening. Jack complies, but I catch
the rebellious expression in his eyes. I remove his hat and cringe. “It’s a
mess…” When did he comb his hair for the last time? “You should stop wearing
it…” I retrieve a brush, a comb, gel, and hair spray from the bathroom and put
everything on the kitchen table. Against all odds, Jack lets me work on his
hair, and when I’m done he looks presentable – I think. “I’ll let you take me
out to dinner looking like that.”
Jack cocks
his head, grins at me, and then nods. “Okay, now you need to uphold your end of
the bargain. I want you to look sexy… If you don’t, I’ll pick out the clothes
you’re going to wear, so do you best – or worst…”
I move
until I stand in front of him and study Jack. “Why sexy?” That question has
been on my mind ever since Jack mentioned it.
“Because
you look rather dull right now… And the one evening we’re spending together I
want my date to be good-looking!”
“Your
date?” I blink in surprise, Jack however merely grins, and nods. “Move it,
Cinderella.”
I hate it
when he calls me that – why does he do that to begin with? I turn around and
head for my room, where I open the closet. Sexy? Jack wants me to look sexy…
Looking at the clothes that are up in front of my closet I realize none of them
are suitable. Sexy… It’s been a long time since anyone wanted me to look sexy.
“Having
problems finding an outfit?” Jack leans against the doorway and looks at me.
Without
realizing it, I blurt out the truth. “It’s been a while since anyone wanted me
to look sexy…” I realize what I just said and grow angry with myself! “That
came out wrong,” I say quickly, trying to cover up my embarrassment.
Jack moves
closer and comes to a halt next to me. “Maybe I can help?”
I don’t
think I should accept his offer – who knows what I will end up looking like!
“How about
these…?” Jack removes a pair of black pants from the bottom shelf and presents
them to me.
I remember
wearing them, but it’s been years. “They’re okay,” I give in, actually relieved
that he didn’t go for anything more revealing.
“All you
need now is a simple, basic, black T-shirt and your leather coat to go atop of
it… Oh, and no army boots – nothing white, and nothing with wings on them.”
Again, I
roll my eyes. “Those shoes are cool! The wings are cool!” Jack then does a
great imitation of me rolling my eyes and I burst out laughing. “Stop it.”
“Just wear
these…”
I didn’t
know I still had those – a pair of black sneakers with no distracting
ornaments. “All right, get out then so I can change.” Jack nods, turns around,
and leaves the room. So this is Jack’s idea of sexy? I’m immensely relieved…
~~~
I feel
surprisingly comfortable in the outfit Jack’s chosen. Just to make sure I’m
‘presentable’ as well, I used a small amount of makeup and styled my hair. “Is
this okay?” I ask upon stepping into the kitchen where Jack’s playing around
with his mobile phone. He looks me up and down and then nods. Apparently I
passed his test. “We should get going… It’s almost seven and I want to be back
at nine.”
Jack gets
to his feet, slips into his coat, and hands me the phone. I frown and then
stare at him in surprise, realizing it’s my phone he had gotten his hands on.
“What did you do with it?” I ask and narrow my eyes suspiciously.
“I added my
number to it… So, next time you’re in Helsinki, give me a call and I’ll return
the favor – You can always stay at my place.”
I’m not
sure what to make of that, but I let it slide. “So where are we going?” I’m
hungry, but also wary.
“Let me
surprise you!”
“That’s
what I’m afraid of.” I didn’t want to let it slip; it just happened though.
“Have a
little faith in me!”
Jack heads
for the doorway, opens the door, and gestures for me to pass. I grab my
shoulder bag and step into the corridor. I have a bad feeling, which I can’t
seem to shake and I wonder in how trouble I am exactly.
~~~
“Jack, no,
we can’t go in there…” I shake my head resolutely. “The Rooster has good food,
I’ll give you that, but it’s also the newest meeting ground for fans.” I don’t
want them staring at me all evening – I want privacy.
“Hey, you’re
a rock star! Enjoy the status! Just think about all those girls –and boys – who
want you and can’t have you! You can make them happy by giving them a smile, or
having your picture taken with them!”
I stare at
Jack in surprise. “You might like that kind of thing, but I don’t. It’s
annoying when they watch your every move.”
“Stop
whining…”
Jack grabs
my wrist and pulls me along. I consider resisting him, but we’re in public and
I don’t want to create a scene. “Jack, this is a bad idea.”
“This is a
great idea.”
Jack
continues to pull me along, and much too quickly do we reach the entrance.
Luckily, it’s too cold for people to sit on the terrace so there isn’t that
much of a crowd. Jack opens the door and waves at the bartender, who waves back
at him. I’m surprised Jack knows these people.
Jack looks
about and points out a table in the back. “How about that one? Nice and private,
and look, only a few fans about! Perfect!”
Only a few…
About ten pairs of eyes follow my every move and I already want out. Jack
ignores my apparent unease and pulls me along to the table he picked.
“You sit
there… That way, you don’t see your groupies… I’ll keep an eye on them for
you,” Jack says smugly and smiles at them.
I expect
him to start waving and inviting them over, but instead he reaches for the
menu. I’m actually relieved that my back’s toward them – that way I feel a bit
more at ease.
“What do
you guys want to drink? And of course it’s on the house,” the waiter says and
shakes hands with Jack. “It’s been too long! You need to drop by more often!”
“And make
sure the fans keep spending their money here?” Jack quips, at which the waiter
chuckles.
I feel like
I ended up in the wrong kind of movie and wonder if there’s a chance of me
waking up from this nightmare.
“Of
course!” The waiter chuckles. “What do you guys want to eat this evening?”
I’m
relieved that he doesn’t address me. I’ve seen him about town and he knows who
I am.
“Give me a
beer and the rocker burger!” Jack hands the waiter the menu and then looks at
me. “And what would you like? Except for beer of course?”
“I’m not
having beer… I don’t drink alcohol.” It’s not the entire truth – I do drink
some, but only at home and never in public – certainly not with Jack about who
would get me into a compromising situation for sure. “I’m having a diet coke
and the chickless love.”
“Good
choices! I will get your drinks first…” The waiter collects our menus and
leaves.
When I look
at Jack again, I find his eyes narrowed and focused on me. “What?”
“Since when
did you stop drinking alcohol? I remember your early days when you drank
everything that had alcohol in it! You were especially fond of Russian vodka!”
“That
happened a long time ago.” The waiter returns, puts our drinks onto the table,
and leaves again. “I’ve changed since then.”
“I guess
so,” Jack says thoughtfully. “We never had a chance to become friends – with
you living here and me in Helsinki. I sometimes regret that.”
Something
about Jack’s comment alerts me, but I can’t put my finger on it. “I don’t drink
often… When I do, it’s always at home and mostly for bad reasons… So I try to
limit the temptations.”
Jack nods
slowly. “Christus told me about your parents, and it’s no secret that Ville has
problems too…”
I curse
Tommi for talking Ville and me into giving that television interview some time
ago. I never wanted to go public with our problems, but Tommi thought it would
bring us good publicity. As a result everyone knows what a dysfunctional family
we were back then.
“So what were
your reasons for drinking then?” Jack prods.
“I’m not going
to discuss them with you…” Not with fans sitting that close to us.
“Maybe
another time then.”
I’m
relieved that Jack doesn’t pressure me: I wouldn’t have told him anyways.
“So how
about you… Do you have a new girlfriend? Or boyfriend?”
Hum, maybe
I should reconsider and discuss my issues related to alcohol after all, as I
like this new topic even less. I remain quiet instead – maybe that will tell
Jack that I don’t want to talk about that either.
“I’m single
again,” Jack says eventually – maybe the silence’s getting to him. “Rakel and I separated a year ago and it’s hard being on my
own. I didn’t think it would be – but damn, I get lonely at times!” He shrugs
and smiles in a sad way.
Ah yes,
someone told me about them splitting up. I think it was Antti. “I’m sorry it
didn’t work out,” I offer.
“People
change…” Jack shrugs again. “We had grown apart… That happens… We’re still
friends, but the special feeling that got us together is gone.” Jack takes a
swig of his beer. “It could have ended worse… At least we didn’t fight.”
I run a
finger along the rim of my glass, wondering if I should share my thoughts with
Jack. I don’t want to hurt his feelings though. “Please don’t take this the
wrong way, but I always thought you were interested in Christus.” To my
surprise, Jack starts to laugh – rather loudly at that.
“Christus?
No…he’s a good friend, but nothing more. I never thought of him as a potential
boyfriend – he’s too chaotic for me.”
“That’s
honest.” I wonder if Christus knows how Jack feels about him.
“It came up
once,” Jack admits. “We were drunk and smoking pot as well, and we looked at
each other, thought about it, and then laughed until we ran out of breath. That
was it.”
I’m going
to regret asking my next question, but I want to know. “So what guy would you
consider boyfriend material? What are you looking for?” I sure hope I’m not
being too obvious about it.
Suddenly
the waiter’s back and puts our food in front of us – that guy’s timing
definitely sucks. Jack waits until he’s left and then looks at me.
“My type,
you mean? My type might actually surprise you.” He selects a fry and puts it
into his mouth.
“I’m
curious,” I admit.
“Okay, why
not… He should have a good sense of humor… I want to have fun in life… But
there should be a serious side to him as well. There’s time for fun and there’s
time to deal with life… Solid… stable… I like a firm relationship…”
That
doesn’t tell me a lot – damn Jack, and I wonder if he’s doing it on purpose.
Out of frustration, I dig into my pasta, which tastes good, but it’s not the
thing I crave right now. In order to distract me, I check the time on my cell
phone. It’s eight – so I have an hour left. “I take it you’re heading home
tomorrow?”
“Interesting
change of subject,” Jack remarks and bites into his hamburger.
“I just
want to know if you’re having breakfast in the morning,” I lie. The truth is
that Jack confuses me.
“I would
love to have coffee before I leave…” Jack puts down his hamburger and uses the
black napkin to clean up his mouth. “Jonne, I’m trying to befriend you –
nothing more, nothing less.”
I didn’t
expect him to say something like that and feel guilty for thinking badly of
him. “It’s the setting – part of it… I don’t feel comfortable discussing
private matters in public.”
“I understand
that…but what’s the other reason you’re
keeping me at a distance?”
“Talking
about Christus – it puts me off…”
“I’ll
remember that…” Jack sips from his beer and continues to eat.
He eats a
lot, and now that he’s occupied, I feel more confident and study him. Jack
isn’t skinny like most of my friends. He isn’t fat either, but he does carry
some extra weight. I actually like that on a guy – Christus was always so damn
skinny, especially when his drugs habits were at their worst. It felt like
cuddling up to a bag of bones.
“Don’t you
like the pasta? You barely touched it.”
Jack’s been
watching me in turn then. I pick up my fork and eat some more. “It’s okay…” I’m
not that interested in the food – I’m interested in Jack.
“Too bad
you need to be at home at nine…”
“Why, would
you have wanted to stay here that long?” I still feel eyes upon me, but I try
to ignore them. I’d rather be at home than here!
Jack finishes his burger, pushes his
plate away from him, and finishes his beer. “Will you be talking to Ville all
evening?”
“I don’t know yet…” Why is Jack
asking me that?
“Maybe, after you talked to Ville,
you will spend more time with me?”
I wonder what’s going on. Rationally,
I realize that Jack’s trying to close the distance between us, but I don’t
understand why. He’ll go home tomorrow and we won’t see each other for weeks,
maybe even months. “Sure, why not?”
“Maybe you’d like to hear some
melodies I’ve been working on? I’m thinking about doing my own thing and
realizing a digital album. I doubt there’ll be another Private Line album, as
Sammy and the other guys are doing their own thing, but I want to make music.”
I grow curious. “How do you earn your
money these days? I doubt you get much royalties…”
“I’m back to being a DJ, and when
things get really tight, I help out at Tavastia… I get by, but it’s tight at
times.”
“Hey, as long as your make your money
the honest way there’s no reason to be ashamed of it.” At hearing that, Jack
nods. I check the time again and find it’s half past eight. It’s time to head
home – at least for me. “We should get going. I’ll pay the bill…”
“You don’t need to. It’s always on
the house when I eat here. I’ve this deal with Lauri… He gets free drinks at Tavastia and I get
free food whenever I’m here.” Jack slides off the couch and gets to his feet.
“I ate too much…”
I laugh at seeing him sticking out
his abdomen. “You’re doing that on purpose.”
“Caught!”
We ignore the curious looks the fans
give us and head for the exit. The waiter waves at us and has a smile on his
face. He’s going to make sure that every au pair and groupie knows Jack and I
ate here tonight. Jack suddenly stops walking and remains right where he is.
“We need to go home,” I remind him.
“It’s dark out here…” Jack puts on
his glasses, but I have the feeling they don’t help much. “I need a moment to
get used to it.”
I recall what he told me about being
night blind and hook my arm with his. Jack looks up in surprise, but then a
smile forms on his face.
“Thanks, that helps… It would be
embarrassing if I crashed into a lantern or something else made of metal – I
can tell you from prior experience that it hurts.”
“We don’t want you getting bruised,
do we?” I think back to Arttu and remind myself to call Eero before I go to
bed.
“No, we don’t…”
My breath catches when Jack moves
closer than necessary. Slowly he frees his arm from mine and wraps it around my
waist instead.
“Walking is easier like this,” he
comments.
It is? Since when exactly? I consider
moving his arm away from me, but then realize I would overreact if I did. I
refuse to curl my arm around him in turn though. Jack notices my silent
resistance and removes his arm again. Instead, he reaches for my hand and takes
it into his. Great, now I’m totally confused!
“You don’t trust easily…” Jack says
unexpectedly. “You’re alert all the time.. You’re tense… Why?”
“I don’t answer questions like that…”
I’m not getting into personal matters again. Discussing them with Jack only
confuses me. “Let’s say that past experiences taught me to be cautious.”
“Christus did…”
I remove my hand from Jack’s hold and
increase the distance between us. Why did he have to bring up Christus again?
“I’m sorry he hurt you like that… You
didn’t deserve that. You’re a good person, Jonne.”
It’s the tone which Jack uses when
saying it that makes me look at him. People use words they don’t mean all the
time, but I have the feeling that Jack isn’t one of them. “Thanks…”
“I mean it – you’re a good person –
unfortunately you fell in love with the wrong guy…”
I don’t comment on that. Jack’s
probably right, but I don’t want to open up this wound any further – it already
hurts like hell. “Shit happens – we both know that.” Jack has a guilty
expression in his eyes and I realize that I’m responsible for putting it there.
“Sorry… I know I’m a bitch at times.” In order to make up for my behavior, I
wrap an arm around his shoulder. “It still hurts…” I offer as an explanation
and it must do.
“I know what you mean… but Jonne,
maybe the right person will come along and you won’t notice because you’re
still hurting…”
I bite onto my bottom lip. “Jack… I
doubt I’ll ever get completely over Christus… and while a part of me hopes that
someone new will come along, another part refuses to even consider it… Am I
making any sense?”
“You have to heal, Jonne. You need to
find a way to heal this hurt…”
In my heart I know that Jack’s right
– especially after finding out that Christus has moved on and found himself a
new girlfriend. Any absurd hopes I might have had about getting back together with
a new and improved Christus must be put to rest. But the question is – how do I
do that?
TBC
Part 4
“Do you mind me burrowing one of your
guitars?”
I turn my head toward Jack and find
that he’s brought my favorite acoustic guitar with him. “I don’t mind,” I
assure him. “She has a great sound –
you’ll enjoy playing it.”
“Thanks… Is it okay for me to hog the
living room? Or do you want to have your conversation with Ville there?”
“We always end up in the kitchen. So
feel free to hog the living room.” Jack moves further into the kitchen, looks
at the fridge, back to me, and I nod. Is he still hungry? But no, he opens the
fridge and removes a beer bottle from it. “Don’t get your hopes up,” I tease
him, “It’s alcohol-free beer.”
“Fuck…” Jack’s features contort and
it seems like he wants to put it back into the fridge, but then he uncaps it
and takes it along with him.
The whole action made me smile,
although I’m not sure why. A moment later, I pick up on the front door opening;
it looks like Ville has arrived, and wow, he’s actually being punctual.
“Jonne?” Ville pokes his head around
the corner and smiles at seeing me seated at the kitchen table. “If you’re
here, who’s playing the guitar in the living room?”
Ville moves into the kitchen and sits
down next to me. I study his eyes and find them clear and curious – he looks
happy and that reassures me that things turned out well with his mysterious
one-night-stand. Recalling Ville’s question, I reply, “That’s Jack.”
“Jack?” Ville frowns. “I only know one
Jack – Japa?”
“Yeah, it’s him… He drove Antti back
home and for some reason, he ended up staying with me. But we’re not here to
discuss Jack… How did your conversation go?” I do hope he’ll tell me about his
one-night-stand – especially the guy’s name. Even though Eero assured me that
the guy in question has good credentials, I want to check them myself.
“Better than I thought,” Ville says.
He turns shy and merely peeks at me instead of looking me in the eyes. “I’ve
had a crush on him for some time, but I didn’t think I stood a chance.”
I nod and hope he’ll continue.
“It turned out that he likes me back
and that he feels the same way – he doesn’t want it to be just a
one-night-stand either.”
“Ville, are you going to tell me his
name? You know what I’m like! I need to know!” I hope he’ll take pity on me.
“It’s Pasi…” Ville lowers his gaze
and then peeks at me in an uncertain way.
“Pasi?” I stare at my younger brother
in surprise. “Pasi? Did I get that right?”
“Yes, you did… We left together after
Uniklubi finished their gig… He was a little drunk – at least I thought so, but
it turns out that he was still rather sober.”
I need a moment to process this.
Ville’s dating Pasi? “But… he’s not your type!”
“Maybe my type changed… Jonne, Pasi’s
a great guy…”
“Of course he is! I like him too, but
I’d thought you would want someone younger…someone like Arttu – age and
character wise.”
“No thanks!” Ville chuckles. “I think
I prefer someone older and more mature…Pasi is like that… He doesn’t confuse
me… He’s calm and orientated. He knows what he wants out of life… He doesn’t do
drugs, has no interest in sleeping around, and… He’s perfect, Jonne.”
I’m starting to understand what’s
going on. Ville found someone whom he wants to settle down with. My younger brother
is ready to be in a steady relationship. The time for wild parties, drinking
all night, and smashing windows when drunk is over. In that case, I agree with
Eero and Pasi might be a good choice for Ville. “Is that where you’ve been all
day? At his place?” I did wonder about Ville disappearing.
“I needed to talk to him and Pasi
felt the same way,” Ville replies. “We met up at the Dog’s Home, but we wanted
privacy and we went to his place. We talked…” Ville’s eyes take on a distant
expression. “We realized that we wanted the same thing – a relationship. How
funny is that? And do you know what the weird thing is? I have a hard time
accepting that he wants to be with *me* all of a people.”
I know where Ville’s insecurities
stem from and am not surprised to hear this. “Times change, Ville… People
change – and so did you. I hope you realize that.”
Ville nods. “I’ve changed, you’re
right about that, but it’s still hard – believing that people want to be around
me…”
I take hold of my brother’s hand and
hold it. “So what did the two of you decide?” As I had hoped, my question pulls
Ville away from his troubled thoughts. He focuses on me and smiles.
“We’re going to try… I spent most of
the day at his place… We talked, and once we were done, he got out his guitar
and we composed music. It was odd: I didn’t feel the need to talk… Just being
close to him, making music, and looking at him made me feel content – and I
have the feeling that the same goes for him. He seemed happy to have me close.”
I nod and move my chair closer to
him. “Looks like you have a boyfriend too now.”
“Yeah, that’s a weird thought, don’t
you think? Me? I reckoned I would be the last out of the four of us to find
someone as I’m the most fucked up.”
“You’re not fucked up… Just a little
confused because things happened so quickly. Ville, you should get to know Pasi
better before you…”
“Have sex again?” Ville finishes with
a lopsided grin on his face. “We realized that too, but in a way, I’m glad it
happened. At least, now I know how much he cares for me…”
That’s Ville’s way of saying, let’s
discuss something else, and I should oblige him, otherwise he will either start
to close down or feel shy. “Are you staying for the night or are you heading
back to Pasi’s apartment?”
“I’m staying… I need to think
everything over…” Ville’s gaze suddenly becomes more focused and I wonder what
has happened. “It’s your turn now – how did Jack end up here?”
I shrug. “It’s a long and complicated
story.”
“That’s your way of saying – I don’t
want to tell you, but that’s okay…” Ville winks at me. “I’m surprised that
you’re okay with him staying here – You’re not the kind of guy who invites
people over.”
“He needed a place to sleep… And now
that Antti’s back, his apartment would have been too crowded, so I offered him
Eero’s bed and he took it.” Hum, how did Ville get me to open up?
“But that was yesterday… Why didn’t
he go back home today?”
“We fell asleep and didn’t wake until
the evening… Apparently he suffers from something called night blindness and
has trouble seeing properly in the dark… So I offered him to stay the night…”
“Very odd…” Ville squeezes his eyes
half shut.
“Don’t read too much into it,” I warn
Ville, as I don’t want him to probe deeper.
“Maybe I am…maybe I’m not…”
“Hey, I don’t want to interrupt
anything, but can I get another beer? I’m thirsty.”
Jack stands in the doorway and looks
rather hesitant to enter. I understand that he doesn’t want to intrude, but I
reckon Ville and I finished our little talk. “Get your own from the fridge,” I
say, inviting him in. Jack’s face lights up with a smile as he heads for the
fridge.
“Too bad you don’t have any real
beer!” He retrieves another one from the fridge, uncaps it, and then turns
around. “Hello, Ville! It’s been a while since I last saw you. You changed, by
the way… And if you ask me, for the better!” He lifts the bottle and drinks
again. “Are you two finished talking?”
I arch an eyebrow at Jack and wonder
what’s gotten into him. “Yes, we’re done, but…”
“That’s great!” Jack interrupts. “Then
you can help me with my songs! I’ll fetch another guitar and I’ll wait for you
in the living room.”
And suddenly, Jack’s gone again.
Ville gives me an inquisitive look, but all I do is shrug. “Don’t ask – I don’t
know what’s wrong with him. During dinner, he acted odd too.”
“Dinner? The two of you had dinner?”
Ville looks around. “The kitchen is spotless though.”
“We went to the Rooster,” I explain
and know this is not the end of yet – Ville will want to know more.
“You went out for dinner? Jack actually
talked you into doing that? I’m impressed!” Ville leans back, hooks his hands
behind his neck, and grins. “How did he do that?”
“We made a deal…” As I don’t want to
discuss this with my brother, I get to my feet. I’m feeling confused to begin
with and trying to explain matters to Ville will only worsen things. “I’d
better go before he returns and drags me off into the living room.” I expect
Ville to stop me, but he doesn’t – he merely grins his dirtiest smile. I
practically flee the kitchen and pause in the corridor. I draw in a deep breath
and release it again before stepping into the living room.
Jack sits on the floor. His eyes are
closed and I wonder if he knows I’m here. I walk over to him, sit down, and
listen to the melodies he’s playing. Jack suddenly opens his eyes, smiles, and
says, “Do you like the sound of it?”
“It’s interesting,” I admit and take
hold of the other guitar. “Let’s see what we can do with it.” I had never
expected my evening to end like this – sitting on the floor of my living room
and composing songs with Jack, but it’s a good way to end the day… Very
relaxing, and the best thing about it is Jack’s presence – who’s smiling at me
and nodding encouragingly.
When was the last time I felt like
this? When I fell in love with Christus? That happened years ago and I’m not
sure I felt like this back then. This feels different. I feel calm when I look
at Jack and not stressed or overly excited like I did with Christus back then.
I look up from playing when Ville
enters the living room. He brings a mug of coffee with him and the flavor fills
up the room. “You shouldn’t drink that – You won’t be able to sleep because of
it,” I say in my best ‘big brother’ voice.
“I doubt I’ll get much sleep to begin
with. There’s too much going on in my mind.”
Pasi, without any doubt. I put my
guitar aside and realize that Jack has stopped playing too. He gives me a
puzzled look, but now that Ville has joined us, I don’t want to continue
playing.
“I guess this is my cue to say
goodnight and go to bed?” Jack says and cocks his head in Ville’s direction.
“No, you don’t need to leave because
of me!” Ville says surprisingly quickly. “You can stay…”
Jack however seems unconvinced. “Hey,
I don’t have any problems with leaving. I should get some sleep, otherwise I’ll
be too tired to drive home in the morning. I can’t stay, you know, as your
brother is kicking me out!”
“I never said I would kick you out!”
I feel insulted – I merely asked when he was leaving… I didn’t tell him he had
to go away!
Jack grins and his teeth show. “Does
that mean you would put up with me for a few more days?”
Huh, what happened just now? I stare
at Jack and mentally rewind his question. He wants to stay?
“Look at his face, Ville! That’s what
I call a shocked expression!”
Jack laughs loudly and I feel Ville’s
eyes upon me. This is bad. “I’m not shocked – only surprised…” I bite onto my
bottom lip and then add, although reluctantly, “You can stay as long as you
want – or until Eero wants his bed back.”
“It’s nice of you to offer,” Jack
says and rests his hand on my knee. “But I do need to go home tomorrow. I’m
working this weekend.”
I stare at his hand – what the hell
is it doing there? Jack squeezes my knee and then removes it: and I can breathe
again.
“What kind of work do you do?” Ville
asks, obviously interested in hearing more about it.
“I work at Tavastia during the
weekend… Helping out and bartending… Long nights, but I make good money doing
it,” Jack explains. He gets up from the floor, walks over to the couch, and
sits down next to Ville. “Private Line is dead and I don’t think I can
resuscitate the band so I need to earn money in a different way.”
Suddenly I feel rather lonely,
sitting on the floor by myself, so I slide onto a recliner which stands
opposite the couch. My phone starts to vibrate and I quickly uncover it. “It’s
Eero,” I tell Ville at feeling his eyes upon me. “Antti’s behaving, Arttu’s
asleep, and he’s trying his best to study.” Damn, I wanted to call Eero this
evening and I forgot all about it!
“So let me get this straight… Eero is
your youngest brother and he’s dating Arttu? That’s what Antti told me,” Jack
says.
“That’s right,” I reply. “We didn’t
find out until a year ago…”
“Okay, let’s move on… How about you,
Ville? Do you have a lover?”
I blink: why is Jack asking Ville
that?
Ville slowly nods… “Since this
morning actually.”
“Wow…” Jack grins. “Do I know the
guy?”
“It’s Pasi…”
Jack whistles and nods: it looks like
the answer pleases him. “Fine guitar player, even better human being – great
choice…” Jack’s grin deepens. “And how about Tommi? Still single? Who would
want him? He’s grumpy all the time!”
“Actually,” Ville says, “Tommi hooked
up with Juha, who’s from Oulu… Tommi’s off the market as well.”
I know that Jack is up to something –
why else would he follow that particular line of questioning? He’s after some
sort of information!
“That only leaves you, Jonne…or are
you in a relationship too?”
The smile Jack gives me is the
sweetest I have ever seen, but at the same time, it’s also deceiving. He’s
setting me up all right. “And why would you want to know that?” Ville suddenly
pokes me in the side and rather harshly at that. “What?” I lash out at him.
“Play nice. Jack’s our guest!”
Fuck, I know that expression in
Ville’s eyes. Ville’s going to back up Jack, but why?
“Jonne’s available – the only
Liimatainen left whom you could date,” Ville remarks, and at hearing that, I
push my elbow into his side, even harder than he did to me. Ville’s expression
changes and he hisses, “Watch it!”
“Why did you tell him that? That’s
private,” I hiss back.
“Oh, excuse me! Since when is it a
secret that you’re single? Fuck it, Jonne!”
“Hey, guys…don’t fight… I was only
being curious…”
It’s too late however. I’m pissed off
because Ville told him that and I ignore him. “Ville, maybe you should go to
bed…”
“No, I will turn in instead,” Jack
announces and rises from the couch. “Don’t fight, guys,” he says and then turns
around and leaves the room.
Now that Jack’s gone, I glare at
Ville. “Why did you have to say that? You…”
“Jonne, what’s gotten into you?”
Ville interrupts me and looks truly stunned. “It’s no secret that you’re
single! This isn’t like you! Why wouldn’t you want Jack to know that you’re
available?” Suddenly his eyes grow big and I realize that he figured it out.
“You’re fucking interested in him!”
My first reaction is to deny his
claim, but I quickly realize that it won’t get me anywhere.”I don’t want you to
spell it out to him… I don’t want him to know, okay?” Ville grows quiet and
studies me. I wish I knew what my brother is thinking. “Jack is one of
Christus’ best friends, so we’re not going there, understood?”
“Wow, I never knew Jack was your
type…”
A part of me wants to confide in
Ville so I can finally talk about the attraction. “He’s sexy… His voice’s sexy
and he’s got the most exquisite hands I’ve ever seen…”
“You’re in love…” Ville says rather
thoughtfully. “How does Jack feel about you? Any idea?”
“Ville, we’re not going there… Jack
is heading back home tomorrow and he has no idea that I like him in that way –
we’re going to keep it that way, okay?” I hope Ville realizes I’m serious.
“Jack can’t know about this.”
“Why?” Ville shifts on the couch and
moves closer. “Just because he’s friends with Christus? Jonne, they’re friends,
yes, but they’re not…lovers, brothers, or whatever! You don’t need to deny
yourself just because they’re friends! What if Jack’s interested in you too?
Ever considered that?”
“Actually, I did,” I admit. “But even
if he were, I’m not going to…”
“Jonne, hold on… You think the
attraction is mutual? And you’re not acting on it?”
Ville’s frustration level is growing
and I cringe. “Ville, it wouldn’t work out. Jack has been driving me crazy
since he got here – we don’t get along.”
“Maybe it’s because you’re being
defensive all the time! I noticed the bad vibes you’re giving off. You’re
keeping him at a distance on purpose!”
I don’t know how to reply to that –
Ville’s probably right, but I can’t let Jack get close to me. “It’s best this
way – safer.”
“For you? Jonne, I took a chance with
Pasi! It wasn’t the smartest thing I ever did, sleeping with him that night,
but at least I took action!”
I keep my mouth tightly shut. I’m not
going to respond to that – Ville can’t be seriously suggesting that I should
sleep with Jack! “Ville, I’m tired… I’m going to bed.”
“You’re running away! That’s what
you’re doing!” Ville sounds and looks angry. “How much longer are you going to
tell yourself that you can’t love again? Do you like being in pain? Let
Christus go, damn it! It’s over and done with!”
Every word Ville says is true, but I can’t
admit it. Instead, I rise from the couch and walk toward the doorway. “Subject
closed.”
“Coward,” Ville says in a bitter
tone. “You’re always eager to kick my ass when I’m running away from something,
but now that you’re running away you take the easy way out.”
I step into the corridor while
Ville’s words echo behind me. He’s right – I *am* running away and taking the
easy way out, but what other options do I have? I might have been inclined to
act upon my feelings if it had been anyone else except for Jack, but he’s too
close to Christus – and what if he doesn’t like me in turn?
I rub my temples and head for the
bathroom. I’m developing a headache and, as I want to sleep, my only option
seems to swallow some painkillers. I close the bathroom door behind me, get out
the aspirin, and swallow two of them. As I do, I catch my reflection in the
mirror. I should remove my makeup, or I will end up making a mess of my bed
too. While I remove it, I calm down and look at myself – my eyes in particular.
They used to glow when I was in love with Christus, but that glow faded once I
found out his true nature. I got hurt so badly and now Ville wants me to try
again? What if Jack will hurt me like Christus did?
I wash my face, dry it, and continue
to stare at my reflection. Is it just my imagination or do I actually see a
glow in my eyes? No, I must be imagining it.
I turn around, leave the bathroom,
and head for bed. Maybe everything will be better in the morning – although I
don’t really believe that. Things don’t change overnight – problems don’t get
solved like that.
I step into my bedroom, remove my
clothes, and slip into an oversized T-shirt. Normally I wouldn’t wear it, but I
don’t want to get caught naked by Jack. I sit down on the bed and mentally
review my conversation with Ville. He was
honest just now, and although he’s right about most things, I don’t have
the courage to actually face my fears.
“Jonne? Are you still awake?”
I look up in surprise and stare at
the door, which I thankfully closed behind me. “What do you want, Jack?”
“I wanted to say goodnight…”
I feel stupid talking to Jack through
closed doors, but do I really want to face him right now?
“I hope Ville and you stopped
fighting…”
I sigh; it seems Jack isn’t going
away before I talked to him. I walk over to the door, open it, but keep it
ajar. “It’s okay, Jack… We fight sometimes… We also make up afterwards…” Jack
looks kind of lost, standing there in one of Eero’s T-shirts, which is too big
for him. “That doesn’t suit you,” I remark and smile at him.
“Well, my clothes are starting to reek,
so…” Jack doesn’t finish the sentence, instead he smiles at me. “Thanks for
taking me in… I want you to know that I appreciate it.”
“Don’t mention it… It’s okay…” Damn,
why can’t I stop staring at him? Jack must notice my interest! “Sweet dreams,”
I say eventually – I need to put a stop to this or else I’ll lean in closer to kiss
him. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Sleep tight, Jonne…”
Jack gives me a charming smile before
he turns around and heads for Eero’s bedroom. I continue to stare at him until
he closes the door behind him and then I close mine too. I lean against it,
close my eyes, and draw in a series of deep breaths. Damn, I really need Jack
to go back to Helsinki, because if he stays any longer, I might not let him leave at all!
TBC
Part 5
I can’t sleep during the night: I
toss and turn and end up more tired than when I went to bed. At four in the
morning, I give up, kick the comforter out of the way, and leave the bed. I
drag myself into the kitchen and switch on the lights. I do hope my actions
won’t wake Jack or Ville.
I get the milk from the fridge, pour
some into a mug, and put it into the microwave to heat it. It ‘pings’ and I
remove it. After adding honey to it, I sit down at the kitchen table and stare
into the white liquid. I stir and lick some milk from the spoon. I wished I
could finally go to sleep, but for some reason I remain appallingly awake.
Being honest with myself, I must
admit that Jack is the reason for my insomnia. Ville is right – I’m in love
with him, but no way ready to admit it to myself – let alone act upon it. I
finish my milk, put the mug in the sink, and go back to bed. I lie down, pull
up the comforter to my chin, and close my eyes, imagining how it would be if I
weren’t alone in bed – how it would feel if Jack was lying next to me. But
those are dangerous thoughts and I shouldn’t have them.
I turn onto my side and hug the spare
pillow, imagining it to be Jack. It doesn’t work though. Damn Ville for
bringing everything to the surface!
~~~
I get up at seven in the morning. I
did doze a bit after I’d had that milk, but real sleep never came. So I give
up, move into the bathroom, and take a long shower. It’s Wednesday today, and
if I’m not mistaken I have some appointments this afternoon – two interviews
and one photo shoot, for which I’m glad. They’ll distract me from my thoughts.
I slip into the clothes I’ve brought
along, blow dry my hair, and don’t bother applying makeup for now. I’ll add it
later. Now that I’m ready to face the day, I head for the kitchen. The first
thing I do is switch on the coffee maker. I then pour orange juice into a glass
and take it with me to the kitchen table. I get out my laptop, fire it up, and
check the latest news. Nothing eventful has happened though and I resort to
playing patience instead. I have the feeling that today will be a lost day.
“Up already?”
I’m surprised to see Jack enter the
kitchen. I nod at hearing his question and look at him. His hair is a complete mess,
but there are no makeup smears on his face this time. Looks like he remembered
to remove it before he went to sleep. “Coffee should be ready in a few
minutes.”
Jack sits down opposite me, stretches
his arms, and gives me a pleased look. “Best night of sleep I’ve had in a long
time.”
Instantly I grow grumpy. “At least
someone slept then.” Jack cocks his head and studies me. I refuse to take the
bait and continue my solitaire game.
“I take it you didn’t sleep well?”
Jack asks.
“I couldn’t fall asleep. I made hot
milk, but it didn’t help.”
“Ah, so I did hear you moving about
last night!” Jack moves his chair closer to mine. “You look rumpled, if I may say
so.”
I should feel insulted, I guess, but
I don’t – I can’t be angry with him for stating the truth. “A little makeup
later will do wonders.”
Jack gets to his feet, pours coffee
into two mugs, and carries them over to the table where he puts them down.
“Maybe that will help?” he says, pointing at the coffee.
“Thanks…” I curl my fingers around
the mug and sip carefully as it’s still hot. “When are you leaving?” I ask,
looking at Jack from over the rim of my mug.
Jack looks at the clock on the wall
and thinks it over. “At nine, if that’s okay with you…or if you want me to
leave now, I’ll go.”
“No, that’s okay…” So he will be
around for a few more hours. “You should continue to work on your songs – I
liked the melodies I heard last night.”
“Thanks!” Jack smiles radiantly. “I’m
glad you like them! Maybe we could do a duet, if you’d like that?”
“You sing?” I didn’t know that.
“I used to sing in the past,” Jack
clarifies. “I only do some backing vocals for Private Line as my voice doesn’t
fit the songs, but yes, I sing…” Jack eyes my laptop all of a sudden. “May I?”
“Sure.” I move it over him and those sexy
fingers of his move across the keyboard, accessing Youtube
and searching for songs there. “What are you looking for?”
“When I started out, I had my own
band, called Palmcut. I wrote the songs, played the
guitar, and sang… My voice has changed a little bit since then, but it’ll give
you an idea.”
Looking at the screen, I see he found
a song called Ambitious Me by Palmcut. It starts and
I’m rather surprised to hear him sing – his voice is deep and sultry and I
quiver at hearing it – I like it. “Too bad there is no life footage.”
“Trust me, you don’t want to find out
how I looked back then,” Jack says and grins. “I was so fucking young! I still
look too young for my age.”
Jack continues to smile in a
thoughtful way and the expression makes him even more attractive. I quickly
look away from him and back to the screen. “Our voices are quite different
though – do you think it would work?”
Jack looks up from the screen and
appears pensive. Then he nods and says, “I’m sure we will find a way to make it
work.”
Why do I get the feeling that he
isn’t talking about a duet anymore? I cough, quickly sip from my coffee, and
try to think of a way to steer the conversation into a different direction. The
video comes to an end and Jack moves the laptop back to me.
“Just think about it,” he says.
“You’ve got my phone number, so you can call me if you feel like talking.”
Again, I feel like we’re talking
about something else – not music. A silence settles onto the kitchen, and I
peek at him, wondering what to say that won’t come across as ambiguous.
“Why are you awake already?” Ville
appears in the doorway. He looks disgruntled and his eyes are still half
closet. His fingers move through his hair and then settle for rubbing his face.
“I’m still fucking tired.”
“Then go back to bed,” I suggest.
“Just because Jack and I are awake already, you don’t need to get up.”
“I can’t sleep when you’re talking
and listening to music.” Ville collapses onto a chair, rests his elbows on the
kitchen table, and supports his head by resting his chin on his hands. “At
least get me some coffee so I can wake up properly.”
I doubt the noise is the reason for
Ville not going back to bed: he’s curious and wants to know what Jack and I are
discussing. I pour him his coffee and move the sugar and milk toward him as
well. Ville puts three spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee and then some milk.
He sips from it and his features soften.
“I would be lost without sugar – it’s
my new drug!”
Jack grins and shakes his head. “I
thought Pasi would be your new drug.”
Ville grows flustered. “That’s not
nice… It’s still fucking early!”
“Are you going to see him today?” I
ask curiously.
Ville pries his eyes completely open
and apparently needs to think about that. “I’m supposed to be at his place in
an hour…Uniklubi’s playing at Tavastia tonight and he
asked me to tag along.”
“You’re going to Helsinki?” I didn’t
know that.
“Yeah…” Ville draws in a deep breath
and rubs his brow. “Pasi mentioned staying at a hotel overnight… So don’t
expect me back today.”
All of a sudden, I sense Jack’s eyes
on me. I turn my head, look at him, and the sudden gleam to his eyes worries me.
What did he come up with this time?
“I’m not working tonight and have
access to Tavasti at all times…” Jack says and grins at me. “I haven’t seen the
guys play in a long time! I think I’ll watch them!”
I blink at him: I have a feeling I
know where he wants to take this, but it’s not going to happen. “Good for you!
I hope you enjoy the show!”
“Why don’t you come along to the
gig?” Jack suggests.
Which was his main objective all
along. I shake my head and feel relieved that I have valid reasons for declining
the invitation. “I can’t. I have interviews today and a photo shoot.”
“At what time?” Ville says, butting
in.
I glare at my brother to let him know
that he shouldn’t get involved, but he chooses to ignore it. “I don’t know
exactly…” I pick up my mobile phone and check the time. “At three PM…”
“That will take an hour max,” Ville
says enthusiastically. “You can get to Helsinki in two hours… You can easily
make it to the show!”
I really need to talk to Ville about
his tendency to team up with Jack and against me. I’m his brother, damn it!
He’s supposed to support me and not Jack! “You know what those shoots are like…
They can easily take up to three hours…”
“Even then you’d be able to make it,”
Jack says in an oddly pensive voice. “I’d like your company tonight… I really
would…”
The way Jack says it makes my heart
miss a beat. Damn it, why must I have a crush on this guy? “Things will get
tight… And I don’t want to rush.”
“You can spend the night at my
place,” Jack says. “I don’t have a guestroom, but you can have my bed and I’ll
sleep on the couch – that’s no problem.”
“No, I can’t rob you of your bed!”
Hopefully Jack will accept my excuse, but I doubt it.
“The couch is really comfortable,”
Jack continues, ignoring my protest. “I fall asleep there all the time.”
I’m about to decline again when Ville
kicks my leg – my shin to be exact, and it hurts! I don’t want Jack to know
though and keep a straight face. “I’d rather not intrude.”
“You’re not intruding! I’m inviting
you! Come on, Jonne, it would be fun! I’ll get us backstage!”
It’s obvious that Jack won’t take a
no for an answer and neither will Ville. I’m not done with my dear little
brother yet though – I will get even with him later. Maybe it’s best to play
along for now. I’ll then call Jack in the afternoon and tell him that I can’t
make it after all. Yes, I like that plan. Jack and Ville will be in Helsinki at
that time and can’t bully me into joining them. “All right then…” Both Ville
and Jack smile at me, but they don’t know about my sneaky plan yet, so I simply
smile back at them.
“Is it okay if I shower first?” Ville
asks. “I need to get ready and don’t have much time left.”
“Sure, go ahead. I’ll keep Jonne
company in the meantime,” Jack announces.
Bah, he looks so damn smug saying it!
Remember the plan, I remind myself. Remember the plan – wait until they have
left and then call Jack, telling him you can’t make it. Let’s see who’s
laughing then!
~~~
Jack’s stalling; he won’t admit it,
but he is. It’s ten o’clock and he has been announcing he’s leaving for thirty
minutes now. Dressed in his coat, wearing a thick scarf and a beanie, he’s
ready to walk out of my life and I have mixed feelings about that. A part of me
wants Jack to leave right now, another wants him to stay.
“Give me a call when you’re at the
train station,” Jack says, “I’ll pick you up and then we can either head for
Tavastia right away or to my place first.”
“I will,” I tell him, though I don’t
plan on heading to Helsinki to begin with. “Have a good trip home!” We’re
standing opposite each other and I wonder about the strange tension that has come
over me. Jack’s expression tells me that he doesn’t feel at ease either. “I’ll
see you tonight then.” Not!
Jack takes a step toward the doorway,
but then he turns around, and walks toward me instead. Surprised, I hold my breath
for his arms are closing around me and he hugs me tight.
“Thanks for everything… I’ll make up
for it tonight… I’ll take good care of you, I promise.”
Jack’s words take me aback and I
force myself to relax in the embrace. It’s unexpected, but in a strange way,
welcome. “It’s okay, Jack…” Jack lets go, steps away from me, and gives me a
smile. Suddenly I feel bad for having a hidden agenda; Jack thinks I will join
him this evening, while in reality I’ll lie to him so I can stay at home. Does
that make me a bad person? I *do* feel guilty…
“See you this evening, Jonne! Take
care and bye!”
And then he’s finally walking away
from me. He descends the stairs and disappears from view. Momentarily, I feel
deserted and my first impulse is to go after him, but I stop myself just in
time. This is what I want – I want Jack gone and out of my life. I accomplished
that and now I have to live with it.
~~~
It’s only four in the afternoon when
they wrap up the photo shoot. Everything went smoothly and we finished earlier
than expected.
“You’re done for today!” Tommi
announces as he walks over to me. As my manager – and brother of course – he
kept an eye on me during the interviews and photo shoot. “Everything went just
fine!”
“Yeah, it did…” I don’t feel happy
though. I have to call Jack to let him know that I’m not attending the gig and
I feel nervous about that. Maybe I should send a message instead. Yes, that is!
That way I don’t need to talk to him!
“By the way, Ville called to ask if
you could pack him some spare clothes. He said something about being in a hurry
this morning and forgetting packing his overnight bag.” Tommi eyes me. “So
you’re heading for Helsinki too?”
Caught! Damn it, I feel caught. If I
cancel the trip now, I have to tell Tommi and even worse, I have to call Ville
as well. Ville will give me hell and probably talk a friend – or even Tommi –
into dragging me to Helsinki. My perfect plan doesn’t appear perfect anymore.
“I’m not sure I’m going – I feel a headache coming on.” Maybe I can still talk
my way out of it! Tommi places his right hand on my shoulder and maneuvers me
into a corner. I don’t like it, but don’t want to create a fuss over it.
“Tommi, I don’t feel well.”
“I don’t believe you… You were fine a
moment ago. Why don’t you want to go to Helsinki?”
My thoughts race as I try to come up
with a reason that would be acceptable to Tommi – and then, I know what to say.
“Christus lives there and I don’t want to run into him.” That should work!
“I thought the two of you had
talked?” Tommi appears confused. “I only took on ‘The Salvation’ because you
asked me to. Did something happen between the two of you? Didn’t you part as
friends?”
Oh yes, of course… I told Tommi about
my talk with Christus and about us burying the hatchet. “It still hurts to see
him,” I say rather slyly.
“You can’t hide for the rest of your
life, Jonne. Pack your bags and get going.”
I can’t believe my tactic didn’t
work! Normally Tommi would get protective of me and back me up. Why isn’t he
doing that this time?
“Ville said that you might want to
get out of it. Looks like he was right.”
Ah, so Ville put Tommi up to it! I
need a new plan, for I’m definitely not going to Helsinki! Maybe I can invent a
train crash – but no, that would be a feature on the news and Tommi can check
on that! Growing frustrated, I realize they cornered me – they got me right
where they want me. I have no way out! Tommi squeezes my shoulder and the touch
makes me look at him.
“I know that Jack can be just as
annoying as Antti and you don’t need to stay at his place for the night. Get a
hotel room if necessary, but go out, Jonne. You need to live your life instead
of locking yourself up at home. I understand that you’re still hurting because
of Christus, but don’t let him have such power over you.”
Ville must have told Tommi about our
conversation that morning – how else can Tommi possibly know all that? “Tommi,
Christus and I talked, yes, and we made our peace, but that doesn’t mean I’m
over him.”
“Then get over him! Fuck Jack for all
I care, but Jonne, get a life!”
I blush and stare at Tommi in shock.
Did he really say that? “You can’t be serious!”
“Jonne, I *am* serious! Get yourself
a love life! Ever since I met Juha I realized how important it is to have
someone special in your life!”
Fuck Jack – did Tommi really have to
say it? Now I can’t get the picture out of my head of taking Jack and bringing
him to orgasm!
“You need to acknowledge your needs
to yourself. I’m not saying it has to be Jack, but find someone you can build a
relationship with. Forget Christus. He’s in a new relationship anyway.”
Tommi’s kicking my ass, and most of
the time, I’m grateful when he does, but not in this case – he’s much too close
to the truth.
“Jonne, you’re going home. You *will*
pack Ville’s overnight bag and one for yourself. If necessary, I will drive you
to the train station and put you onto the next train to Helsinki myself. Now
you can have me watching your every move, or regain your senses and get moving
yourself.”
I know when I lost the battle and I
surrender. I’m not taking on a pissed-off Tommi for that’s one fight I’d
certainly lose. Looks like I’m going to Helsinki after all, but Tommi mentioned
me getting a hotel room, so I could do that and limit the time I will spend
with Jack. “You win,” I tell him eventually. “But I don’t like you very much at
the moment.”
“I’ll survive. Now, move!”
I refuse to look at him. I turn
around and march out of the studio. I spoke the truth – I really don’t like
Tommi right now. I don’t hate him for making me do this, but it comes close.
~~~
One hour later I make my way through
the train to Helsinki and find my seat after a few minutes of searching for it.
Apparently I’m stuck sitting next to an elderly lady – with gray hair, old-fashioned
black glasses and an outfit in the same color. I put my bags in the overhead
compartment and then say hello to her. When she looks at me, I catch tears
swimming in her eyes. Great, why is this happening to me? If the train wasn’t
that crowded, I would find myself a different seat. She says hello too and I
sit down. I uncover the book I’m reading and wished I had taken my music along
in case she starts talking.
Fortunately for me she turns out not
to be very talkative and remains silent for the next thirty minutes. I continue
reading, but get distracted when she rummages about in her handbag. I steal a
look at the content and see her removing a little booklet filled with pictures.
She flips them and I can’t help being curious – I try to look along.
Suddenly she raises her hand to wipe
at her face and I realize she’s crying. She rummages in her handbag again, but
gives up when she doesn’t find what she’s looking for. I guess she’s looking
for a handkerchief and doesn’t have some. I however do and find the little
package I keep in my pocket. I offer it to her and she smiles at me – but it’s
a sad smile.
“Thank you… That’s very kind of
you…”She removes a paper handkerchief from the package and wants to hand back
the rest, but I raise my hand, indicating she can keep it. “I forgot to pack
them… I’m so forgetful,” she apologizes and then looks at the pictures again.
The picture shows her, much younger
though, and a man, who holds her in his arms. She must have been about twenty
back then, now she strikes me as sixty, maybe even seventy.
“My husband died six months ago,” she
says and her tears reappear. “He hailed from Helsinki and wanted to be buried
there. Now I’m traveling there to visit his grave.”
I feel ill at ease, listening to her.
She’s telling me personal information and I don’t know how to react to it. She
reminds me of my grandmother though, and I can’t turn the other way and pretend
she isn’t sitting next to me. “I’m sorry to hear that,” I offer eventually.
“How long were you married?”
“We married when I turned twenty-two,”
she says and smiles. “I’m seventy-three years old now… he died after we
celebrated our fiftieth wedding anniversary.”
“That’s a long time,” I offer
consolingly.
“But it was a happy time, young man.
The best of my life…” She looks at me and wipes away her tears. “When we met, I
was miserable because another man had rejected me. I was determined not to fall
in love again, but then Tuomas appeared in my life. I didn’t realize it that
day, but he was going to change my world.” She grows quiet again and appears
lost in her memories. “He had to fight to get me to notice him, but he was
persistent, and in the end, I understood that he was the one for me.” Now,
she’s starting to smile and caresses the photo with her fingertips. “Those were
the best years of my life.”
I avert my gaze and stare ahead. Her
story rather resembles mine. Christus broke my heart and I’m determined not to
make the same mistake twice: and so I rejected Jack, who seemed genuinely
interested in me.
“When love comes along,” she resumes
after a moment, “Then don’t turn your back on it. It might not come looking for
you again.”
I feel her eyes upon me and force
myself to look at her. Ignoring her wouldn’t be polite. So I turn my head
toward her and nod. The expression in her eyes tells me that she’s serious.
It’s odd that I would run into her out of all the people riding this train, but
maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me
something.
TBC
Part 6
We’re still half an hour away from
Helsinki when my phone beeps, telling me that I’ve received a message.
Expecting it to be from Ville, I uncover my phone and access the message.
*I didn’t hear from you yet, so I’m
wondering if everything’s fine. When will you arrive? I’d like to pick you up
from the train station – Jack.*
I should have known that Jack would
contact me. I look at the words for some time and force myself to examine my
feelings. Surprised, I realize that I’m excited about meeting him. I hadn’t
expected that. I need to reply and go to a blank screen. Now, what do I write?
*I’m on the train to Helsinki and
should arrive in twenty-five minutes.* That’s it. I don’t add anything more,
simply because I don’t know what to say. The realization that I should give
Jack a chance still stuns me. I send the message, lean back, and peek at my
neighbor. She’s dozing and I should probably wake her when we arrive at
Helsinki.
It doesn’t take Jack long to get back
at me. A minute later, there’s another message waiting for me.
*That’s great! I’ll wait for you on
the track you’ll arrive at… Look out for me! I’ll see you soon then!*
Unwillingly, I smile after reading
the message. He sounds as excited as I feel.
“You look very happy, if I may say
so.”
Ah, the lady’s awake again and looks
at me. I nod, as I can’t hide my feelings anyway. “I’m visiting a friend… Who
might become a very good friend.” Her smile deepens and I have the feeling she
knows what I’m talking about. I should elaborate: for some reason I feel like I
can trust her – and I won’t see her again after leaving the train, so it’s safe
to confide in her. “A year ago, my boyfriend and I separated… We didn’t part on
good terms and I still hurt because of it… Lately though, someone new appeared
in my life and he seems interested in me… I pretended I wasn’t interested, when
in truth, I really like him… And now I’m visiting him.”
She nods and frowns deeply – making
even more lines appear on her already wrinkled brow. “If he likes you, and you
like him, you should give him a chance.”
“I realized the same thing after we
talked earlier. I gave him a hard time until now – I fought him every step of
the way… Maybe I should stop doing that and befriend him instead.”
“That sounds like good plan,” she
replies. “You look like a very nice young man and I hope you’ll find the love
you’re looking for.”
“Thanks.” Her words cause me to
blush. She’s right: I should give Jack his chance… I merely hope I’m not making
another huge mistake, as I don’t want my heart broken a second time.
~~~
I help the lady off the train and she
gives me a parting smile. Then she heads for the main hall of the station and
I’m standing there on my own. Jack said to look out for him, but there are lots
of people walking about. How am I supposed to find him?
“Jonne! I’m over here!”
Jack’s voice comes from behind me, so
I turn around and instantly see his arms, which he waves wildly. There *are*
drawbacks to being small – as I have learned myself, but he found a way to deal
with them. “Jack!” I call out his name, catch the sight of his black hat, and
suddenly, his body presses against mine. He wraps his arms around me and hugs
me tight. I drop the two bags I’m carrying onto the ground and cock my head.
Jack appears rather excited about seeing me and he’s all smiles.
“It’s good to see you! To be honest,
I was starting to wonder if you’d keep your promise. I was waiting for you to
write me, stating you wouldn’t come.”
I lower my gaze at hearing that. Do I
tell him the truth? Or feed him a white lie? Reminding myself that I want Jack
to have his chance, I say, “I considered staying in Tampere, yes, but then
Tommi convinced me to go. So here I am.” I don’t want to elaborate on what
happened between Tommi and me because I feel bad about it – I acted like a
spoiled child.
“Well, the most important thing is
that you’re here. Do you want to head for Tavastia right away?”
Jack picks up one of my bags and
waits for my answer. “It’s only seven… A bit early to show up at Tavastia,
don’t you think?” I must admit that a part of me is curious about Jack’s home.
What does it look like?
“Okay, let’s head for my place first…
We can take Ville’s bag with us when we head for the venue. He’s too busy
staring at Pasi to notice that you didn’t turn up yet. Oh, I attended their
sound check – Your brother has got it bad!” he says and leads me towards the
exit. “This way,” he adds and I follow his lead. Helsinki’s central station
always confuses me with its four exits and I’m happy to follow Jack about.
“I parked my car over there!”
I follow the direction Jack’s
pointing in and see a large number of cars. I have no idea which one is his.
“I should warn you about my place, I
guess… It doesn’t compare to your apartment… It’s tiny, but I keep it clean and
tidy…”
“Don’t worry about it… I don’t care
about luxury.” I don’t – I rather have a tiny, but comfortable apartment than a
luxurious loft with no life to it. Jack seems relieved to hear it and steers
toward a black Volvo – not a very new car, but it looks dependable.
Jack opens the car doors, puts the
two bags onto the back seat, and gestures me to sit down on the passenger’s
seat. “You’d better buckle up – Helsinki traffic is hell,” he warns me. I take
his warning to hart and fasten the seatbelt, just like Jack does after sitting
down. “I live close to the center: it’s only a five minute drive if we don’t
get caught up in an accident.” Jack starts the car and steers it toward the
road. “I was thinking about walking to Tavastia later… It’ll be dark and I
don’t trust myself driving.”
“That’s okay with me. I don’t mind
walking.” Not after all the enforced sitting I did on the train ride. Jack
suddenly needs to brake because the car in front of us spins and he blows his
horn as well.
“I hate driving in Helsinki… It gets
to me…”
Fortunately for the both of us, he
quickly turns into a street with less traffic. I wonder why he bothered to
drive when we could have easily walked the distance, but then again, maybe he
assumed I had lots of baggage with me.
“That’s it… That’s where I live – on
the second floor.”
Jack points out a brick building to
me. “It looks old,” is my first impression. It has some really nice decoration
though and there’s a small court yard with a statue in front of it. Actually,
it looks nice.
“I’m glad you like it!” Jack opens
the car port door with a remote and drives inside. He parks the car, shuts down
the engine, and smiles at me. “Home sweet home,” he says and unbuckles. I
follow his example once more and leave the car as well. Jack gets the bags and
walks me over to the elevator. “Can you press the button for me?”
I press it and the elevator doors
open. I press the button that should take us to the second floor and study
Jack, hoping he won’t notice it. He looks up though and smiles at me. It’s his
eyes though that smile the most. The doors open again and Jack walks up front,
exiting it.
“This way!” Jack walks up to the
third door on the right and puts down the bags. He uncovers his key and opens
the door. “Just feel at home as long as you’re here.”
I look down the corridor; it’s clean
and looked after. There are even some plants in the windowsills. Jack steps
aside so I can enter, and as I don’t want to disappoint him, I step inside. The
hallway is tiny, but the walls, painted in a soft yellow make me feel welcome.
Jack closes the door behind me and points toward the right. I start to walk and
enter the living room. It has white walls, a black couch, and there’s a
recliner, black as well. On the wall, I count seven guitars and they look well
taken care of. There are even some plants, and I’m not talking about cactuses,
like Antti has, but real plants, luscious and green. “I like it…” I tell him as
I turn around. It’s like he said – small but comfortable.
“The kitchen is back there,” he says
and points to the left. “The bathroom is right next to it. I’ll show you the
bedroom – the bed’s yours.” I want to protest and tell him that I can check
into a hotel – although that sounds no longer appalling – or sleep on the
couch, but Jack resolutely shakes his head. “You’re the guest – you get the
bed.”
His expression tells me that
protesting is useless, so I accept the situation for now. Jack walks in front
of me and opens another door. Looking inside, I realize it’s the bedroom. The
soft-yellow walls are the same color as the ones I saw in the hallway and add a
warm touch to the room. The bed frame is made of wood and the bed linen on it
is a dark yellow. Everything looks tidy and I suspect he cleaned up before I
got here. “Everything looks rather normal,” I say in a teasing tone. “Not the
type of apartment I would associate with a rock star.”
Jack’s eyes start to shine at hearing
my teasing praise. “It sounds like you approve of it.”
“It’s nice, Jack – no need to worry.”
Jack nods and puts my bags onto the bed.
“Why don’t you freshen up? I’ll make
something to eat in the mean time. We have a long night ahead of us and need
food in our stomachs! Is pizza okay?”
I seldom have pizza, but it fits the
situation. “I’d love pizza.”
“Great! I’ll take care of it…
Bathroom is over there.”
The way Jack’s trying to take care of
me is cute – he’s doing his utmost to ensure that I feel welcome and at home.
Suddenly, it strikes me that we’re getting along. I’m not bitching and Jack’s
awfully nice towards me. Does he wonder why I’m behaving all of a sudden? Jack
gives me an expectant look, and so I pick up my bag, and head for the bathroom
– to freshen up, as he called it.
~~~
The bathroom is spotless and white
all the way. The only colorful items are the plants that sit on the windowsill
and the green towels next to the sink. Very practical and functional – and
certainly not the way I had expected Jack’s place to look like. Maybe I should
stop associating Jack with Christus. Just because Christus’ home was a mess,
Jack’s doesn’t have to look like that. Yes, the two of them are friends – but
that’s about it.
I head for the kitchen and poke my
head inside. Jack’s putting two pizzas in the oven and hums a melody. Bending
down like that, I have a great view of his ass, which looks nice and firm in
those leather pants. I cough softly in order to let him know that I’m in the
kitchen. Jack turns toward me and gestures toward the kitchen table.
“Sit down! What do you want to
drink?”
I sit down, but don’t answer straight
away – caught up in staring at the strange table top. It’s made from glass and
Jack put all kinds of flyers, posters and concert tickets beneath it. I like it
and examine the exposed pieces carefully. He even has tickets to the shows
Private Line played in Germany. “This looks awesome.”
Jack nods. “I like it a lot myself… I
saw a table like that at an art gallery, but it was rather expensive, so I
bought a cheap table made of glass and constructed the rest myself. I still
have some space left in that corner,” he says and points at the top right corner.
I really like the idea and wonder if
I can do something similar at home. I would need to buy a new kitchen table,
but the idea of filling it up with pictures of my brothers and friends makes me
eager to look for one once I get home again. “It’s brilliant.” Looking up at
Jack, I see he’s blushing. “Really!”
Jack smiles shyly. “It’s not that
difficult to construct. I can show you how it’s done, if you want that.”
“I’d love that!”
Jack’s smile broadens. “And now tell
me what you want to drink…”
“Diet coke would be great…” A
photograph in the bottom left corner distracts me though – it shows Jack and
Christus. They’re both laughing and fooling around with their guitars.
“That’s an oldie,” Jack says as he
puts my drink in front of me. “I guess it’s about ten years old… You can tell
by Christus’ hair style.”
Yes… Christus and I had been still
together when that picture had been taken. We had been lovers at the time, and
I for my part, had been happy. “He looks so young in that picture…” Back then,
Christus hadn’t been into drugs yet. Back then, he had stuck to alcohol, and
although that’s a drug too, things hadn’t been too bad. He’d still had sober
days.
“That’s in the past,” Jack says
thoughtfully as he sips from his beer. “And we’re not going to talk about
Christus.”
I look up at him in surprise and then
recall the things I told him when he had visited me, namely that I didn’t want
to discuss Christus – Jack remembered that. “What are we going to talk about
then?”
“Our music! I didn’t have any time to
play the songs again, but I was hoping that maybe we could work on them before
you have to go home.”
The innocent smile he gives me is
anything but innocent. “Is that your way of asking me how long I’ll stay?” I
think I’m on to him – he’s more subtle about it though than I was when he
visited.
“You can stay as long as you want,”
Jacks says enthusiastically. “Though I understand if you think my place is too
small for that, but you’re welcome.”
I study Jack and try to make sense of
the emotions running through me. I feel extremely comfortable around Jack – he
makes me relax and smile – as long as I let him. I like working on music with
him and his apartment isn’t that small. When I moved in with Tommi after
leaving the home, our place had been even smaller and we had managed. “When do
you start work?”
My question confuses Jack, as he
frowns, but then he says, “Saturday evening at ten.”
I don’t have any appointments for the
rest of the week and so I make up my mind. It’s Wednesday evening right now… Staying
until Saturday should be doable. I can take the train home in the afternoon and
staying a few days would give me the chance to find out if Jack and I could
work out. “I’m staying until Saturday then, if that’s okay with you.” Jack’s
eyes light up and the smile that sets on his face is radiant. It looks like I made him very happy by saying
that.
“That’s great… That means we might
even finish a song, or maybe even two! And you can have the bedroom of course
and don’t worry about me walking in on you when you’re in the shower, I’ll
knock. Just tell me what you’d like to eat and I’ll get it and…”
“Jack? Stop rambling…” Jack’s
reaction makes me smile. He’s really set on spoiling me, but that’s not
necessary. “I just told you that I was going to stay and I’m not going to
change my mind because you run out of coffee.” Jack being so eager to please me
shows how much he wants me to stay and I must admit I look forward to spending
time with him. But first, I need to apologize. “Jack, I’m sorry about the way I
acted when you stayed at my place. I must have come across as a real bitch.”
Jack actually blushes. “I must admit
I like you better this way.”
I figured as much. “Just give me some
time to get used to you. It has been a while since I considered getting to know
someone better… The last person was Christus.” That should tell him a lot. Jack’s
jaw slips down and he stares at me with his mouth wide open, which he then
promptly shuts. I wonder what is going on in his brain, but then again, I’m
sure he’ll work it out.
“I feel special,” he says eventually.
“That you want to get to know me better. I hope I won’t disappoint you.”
“Just be yourself,” I advise.
“I…like…you…Jack…” Admitting that was hard, but it needs to be said. “I had a
hard time admitting it to myself… That’s why I bitched at you…” I didn’t plan
on having this conversation so soon, but I guess Jack needs to know where he
stands. I don’t want any misunderstandings between us.
“I like you too, Jonne.” Jack smiles
and his eyes shine with joy. “Thanks for trusting me. I know that can’t be easy
for you.”
I shrug. Jack probably knows me
better than I thought. Christus must have told him a lot, and what he didn’t
tell him, Jack probably figured out himself. Suddenly the oven starts to make
noise and it causes Jack to jump to his feet.
“Our pizzas are ready!” he announces
happily. “I made two kinds of pizza… You decide which one you like best!” He
walks over to the oven, removes them, and puts them onto plates, which he then
places on the table. “That one has mozzarella and this one ham and pineapple.”
“I like both.” I really do.
Jack gets out the pizza slicer and
cuts them into pieces. “Help yourself… Pick whatever slice you want.”
I move one slice onto my plate. I
don’t bother using my fork and knife and lift the slice to bite into it. I
munch on it and watch Jack start to eat as well. He barely has any make up on
today and I must admit that I like him best this way. “What’s up with the
makeup you usually wear? The Alice Cooper thing?”
Jack chuckles. “It has become a
habit, I think. I always wear it when I hit the stage. Do you think it’s too
much?”
“I like you better this way,” I
admit. “You have great eyes… If you hide them beneath all that eyeliner and
mascara, they’re harder to see.”
“Okay, less makeup then when you’re
around.” Jack bites into another slice of pizza and studies me in turn. “How
are the Aatamilas doing? Is Arttu okay?” he asks
eventually, steering the conversation to safer grounds.
“Eero sent me a message earlier
today. Apparently all Arttu does is sleep, which gives Eero a chance to study
for his upcoming test. Antti is behaving…”
“Antti makes a bad nurse…” Jack
grins. “I remember a time when I was terribly hung over. Instead of being quiet
and leaving me alone, Antti talked nonstop and made coffee… The scent made me
nauseous and I actually hurled. He wasn’t pleased about that…”
I can easily picture the scene.
“Antti’s a good guy, but lost when it comes down to taking care of someone.”
Jack nods, finishes another slice,
and then sips from his beer. “Are we going to dress up for the gig tonight?”
“I didn’t bring a special wardrobe
with me,” I reply with a grin. “Merely a spare outfit, similar to what I’m
wearing.” When I had changed my clothes after that photo shoot, I had slipped
into the outfit Jack had picked for me to wear at the Rooster. “Hopefully this
is okay?”
“Sure… We’ll add a little makeup and
a hat and you’re good to go.”
“But only a little!” I don’t want to
end up looking like Alice Cooper. We grow quiet after that and eat our pizzas.
Normally, I would feel uncomfortable with such a silence hanging over the room,
but with Jack, I don’t. It’s odd, but it’s like his eyes speak to me: they
assure me that I’m welcome and that everything is fine. “I like it here,” I admit
eventually. “I hadn’t thought I would.” Now that I’ve decided to be honest it’s
surprisingly easy to speak my mind.
“I’m glad you’re here, Jonne.” Jack
gets up, opens the fridge, and then looks at me. “Are you up for dessert?”
“Depends on what dessert you have in
mind.”
“Nothing fancy…” Jack removes the
pudding from the fridge, puts two bowls
and spoons on the table, and sits down again. “I love chocolate pudding so I
always have some around. Do you want some?”
Jack gives me a hopeful look and I
nod. “You have something in common with Arttu then.”
“In what way?” Jack puts some of the
pudding into the bowls and moves it toward me.
“Arttu wanted some the other day… His
jaw hurt, and when asked what he wanted to eat, he asked for chocolate pudding.”
Jack starts to eat, but he’s not very
tidy. Some of the pudding ends up near to his nose, but he doesn’t seem to
notice it. “You got some pudding over here,” I mention and point out the spot
to him. For some reason, Jack starts wiping the other side of his face and I
raise my arm to wipe the pudding away. “No, over there…” My fingertips glide
over Jack’s facial skin and the first thing I notice is his body warmth. When
was the last time I touched someone like this – apart from my brothers of
course. When did I touch someone because I wanted to touch him in that way? Two
years ago, I realize – the last person I touched like that was Christus.
“Is anything wrong?” Jack has a
worried expression in his eyes and his fingers close around my hand. He lowers it
and claps his other hand around it as well.
I stare at our hands and realize that
I want to be touched. I hunger for it and I feel fucking starved. I want
someone to love me – to hold me and touch me. I want someone in my life who
doesn’t mind taking care of me now and then. I want that special someone… “No,
not wrong,” I stammer eventually as I don’t want to worry Jack even more.
“There’s just a lot going on in my head…”
Jack nods and strokes the back of my
hand. “You have a certain look in your eyes, Jonne. I don’t know if I’m reading
you correctly, but you look like you could really need a hug.”
I don’t know if I should laugh or cry
at hearing that. Am I so easily read? “Maybe you’re right,” I admit. “But…” I
stop talking when Jack leaves his chair and walks over to me. He lowers himself
onto his heels and wraps his arms around me – just like that. I relax in the
embrace – I didn’t expect that. I thought I’d push him away, but instead, I
wrap my arms around him in turn.
Jack holds me – and that’s about it.
He doesn’t go any further than that. It makes me rest my head against his and I
inhale his scent. He wears some sort of aftershave and I like the smell of it.
It feels odd to be in his arms, but not wrong. He feels warm and surprisingly
soft and I don’t want to let go.
A minute later, I tell myself to let
him go and lower my arms. Jack however, keeps one arm wrapped around my
shoulder and raises his head. He rests his brow against mine and looks me in
the eyes. It’s a amazingly intimate moment, and I don’t shy away from it, which
surprises me. “Thanks,” I whisper.
“You’re welcome, Jonne.”
Now that I’m close to Jack, I get the
chance to study his eyes from up close – and more importantly the expression in
them. I don’t think I ever saw something so beautiful before as the warmth in
his eyes. He must have had feelings for me for some time and I can’t help but
wonder for how long. I’m not going to ask him though.
“Why don’t we get ready for the gig?
Ville will want his overnight bag, and after delivering it, we can have a drink
and hang out at the bar or backstage,” Jack suggests.
“I don’t drink,” I remind him. I
don’t want this moment to end, but Jack’s already moving away from me.
“Don’t worry – we will find something
suitable for you.”
Suddenly my mouth grows dry and it
feels like having an epiphany – is this it? Is Jack it? Will Jack make me
forget Christus? Can he make me happy? I ask my heart those questions, but I
don’t expect it to answer me back as it has been quiet ever since Christus stepped
out of my life. But it does whisper a reply and tells me that the answer to my
questions is yes.
TBC
Part 7
“You’re not getting bored, are you?”
I look at Pasi and show him the
finger. “How can I possibly be bored? I’ve watched their sound check and now
we’re feasting on food from Hesburger. Pasi has been great all day long.
After I had left home, Pasi had
already been waiting for me in his apartment. He had dragged me downstairs and
pushed me into Uniklubi’s tour bus. Once we had been
seated, he had taken my hand into his and hadn’t let go of it until we had
reached Tavastia.
The peaceful affection he radiates
makes me relax and I feel perfectly fine around him – and the rest of the band,
which I have known for years.
“Good, I was merely checking,” Pasi
says and finishes his hamburger. “We still have two hours left before I need to
hit the stage. Is there anything you’d like to do?”
Have sex – flashes through my brain –
but I dismiss the thought again. Pasi and I agreed on getting to know each
other better before we’d make love again. “I want to call Jonne. I need to know
if he’s in Helsinki or stayed at home in Tampere. I need my stuff, and if he
doesn’t have my overnight bag, I need to improvise.” I had thought that we
would head home tomorrow, but apparently the band is spending tomorrow in
Helsinki as well.
Tommi had sent a message earlier,
telling me that he had kicked Jonne’s ass. He expected Jonne to head for
Helsinki, but we’re talking about my brother here and one can never be sure about
Jonne.
“Give your brother a call then…” Pasi
leans back against his chair and eyes the fries on his plate. He shoves them
away though and rubs his abdomen instead. “I ate too much…”
I smile at him, uncover my phone, and
dial Jonne’s number. I wait, hoping Jonne will answer. A minute later, there’s
noise at the other end and I hear Jonne’s voice. “Jonne, it’s me! Where are
you? In Helsinki or still in Tampere?” I hear another voice in the back and
realize my brother has company.
“I’m in Helsinki…and yes, I have your
overnight bag with me. But really, Ville, you need to think of stuff like that
before you run out of the door… No, not pink! Get away from me with that eye
shadow! I’m not wearing it!”
My eyebrow inches higher at hearing
that last part. It sounds like someone is trying to put pink eye shadow on Jonne
and my brother doesn’t like it. My heart suddenly speeds up in fright – he
didn’t walk into Christus, did he? Please Jonne, stay away from him. He’s bad
news for you! “Who’s there with you?” I ask when curiosity and concern get the
better of me.
“Jack… No, Jack! I don’t want a kilo
of eyeliner either… Sorry, Ville, but Jack’s trying to turn me into Alice
Cooper… Give me one moment…”
Suddenly the line goes quiet and I
worry that Jonne has severed the connection, but then his voice’s back.
“Sorry, but I had to get away from
him. I left him in the bathroom… Good, he isn’t coming after me!”
“Why’s Jack around?” I don’t get it.
I know that Jack stayed at Jonne’s place the other day, but…
“I’m staying with him – don’t ask! He
offered to let me stay and wouldn’t allow me to check into a hotel… So now I’m
stuck here!”
Jonne doesn’t sound worried though –
if I’m not mistaken, I hear a chuckle in his voice. “If that’s the way you like
it…” I can tell that Jonne wants to say something, but I don’t give him the
chance to do so. “When will you get here? I need my stuff.”
“I reckon we will be there within the
hour. I’m not sure how long it will take us to get to Tavastia…”
“Within the hour is fine.” I must
admit to being surprised that Jonne allows Jack around. Normally he’s defensive
and gives no one chance to get close to him. “The band’s staying in Helsinki
tomorrow too… So don’t expect me back until Friday.” I had better tell him
before he has a fit because I didn’t come home.
“That’s okay… I won’t be home until
Saturday afternoon either, I reckon.”
Jonne surprises me again. “Are you
saying you’re staying with Jack until Saturday?” This is very atypical behavior
for my brother, who loves his privacy.
“Well, he invited me to stay and I accepted.
Not sure though if I’ll manage that long. I don’t know what happened, but ever
since he started to get himself ready for our evening out he’s become
hyperactive.”
I can’t keep quiet any longer and
ask, “Do you like him, Jonne? Is that it?” I had never thought my brother would
feel attracted to Jack, but stranger things have happened. And to be honest?
Jack’s a good guy – much better boyfriend material than Christus ever was. If
this is the case, and Jonne likes Jack in that way, I’ll do everything I can to
make sure they get together!
Jonne remains quiet – and that tells
me a lot. He gets like that when he’d rather not discuss something. “You do…
Jonne, I’m your brother, you can tell me.”
“I’d rather not discuss this over the
phone,” Jonne says eventually. “If you really want to discuss Jack we can do so
later, when I’m at Tavastia.”
That actually sounds promising. Jonne
wants to talk, which means he has a lot to talk about – Jack, and probably his
feelings for the guitar player. I was right then – Jonne does like Jack.
“That’s fine with me, but no distraction tactics, do you hear me? We’re going
to talk about this.”
“Okay… Ville, I’ve got to go now.
Jack is ready to leave…”
“I’ll see you soon… Jonne, I think
it’s great you’re here… I really do.”
“We’ll see how everything turns out…
Bye, Ville… See you in a few minutes.”
I slide the phone into a pocket and
look at Pasi, who’s watching me in turn. “That’s odd.”
“What did Jonne do this time?” Jussi
says, getting involved.
The Uniklubi guys are no strangers to
Jonne. Jussi and Teemu are good friends of my brother and know him well. “Jonne
is in Helsinki and instead of checking into a hotel like he normally does, he’s
staying with Japa.”
Jussi puts his burger back into the
wrapping paper and frowns. “You’re right: that *is* odd.”
“Maybe not *that* odd,” says Spit who
also joined us to watch the show later.
“What do you mean by that?” Feeling
curious, I move my chair closer to Spit’s, who’s sitting next to me.
“You guys know that Jack got divorced
some time ago?” asks Spit.
I nod. Yeah, I had heard about that.
“Why are you bringing that up?”
“Because part of the reason why he
got that divorce was the fact that he likes guys,” Spit explains. “At the time,
I thought he liked Christus, because they were joined at the hip for some
time…”
I stare at Spit in surprise, as I
suspect where he might be taking this.
“One evening, I asked him about it,”
Spit continues. “But Jack denied being in love with Christus. However, he did
hint that there was someone he felt attracted to, but he felt like he couldn’t
act on it. He was already divorced at the time so he wouldn’t have been
cheating, but he said the guy was off limits. I waited until he was drunk – and
believe me, Jack doesn’t get drunk as often as you might think – but when he
did I brought it up again.”
“And what did he say?” Can it be that
Jack’s been attracted to Jonne all that time and we never noticed a thing? That
seems almost impossible!
Spit chuckles, probably because I
make an impatient impression. “He said that the mysterious guy didn’t live in
Helsinki, but in Tampere and that the reason why he couldn’t act on it had
everything to do with Christus.”
I understand what Spit’s hinting at.
“He wouldn’t have acted on his feelings if Christus was still together with
Jonne.”
Spit nods. “I didn’t think of Jonne
at the time, but now that you mention Jack taking him in… It would make sense
if it was Jonne.”
I nod. Spit’s right of course. “And
now that Christus and Jonne are no longer together, he might be inclined to act
on it. But what about Christus? Aren’t they friends still?”
“Christus has a new girlfriend –
they’re living together… I met him a few times and it looked to me like he had
moved on…” Spit says. “He didn’t make the impression that he was mourning his
past relationship.”
“If that is the case…” I draw in a
deep breath and imagine what it would be like if Jack were part of our family –
as Jonne’s boyfriend. Actually, I might like having him about.
The door at the entrance to the
backstage area opens and the first thing I see is Jonne’s blond hair. Jack’s
only two steps behind him and the grin on his face tells me he’s in a good
mood. I guess I know why now. “Jonne, over here!” Jonne waves at me to let me
know he’s seen me and starts to move toward us. “This is going to be
interesting,” I whisper at the others.
“Ah, there you are… Next time, you
can carry your bag yourself!”
Jonne puts my overnight bag onto the
floor next to me. Then, he smiles at the others and endures the hugs Teemu and Jussi
give him. Jonne makes a relaxed impression and doesn’t seem anxious about Jack
hovering close to him – which proves my theory that my brother likes Jack back.
“We’re going to hit the clubs after
the show,” Teemu says as he hugs Jonne. “Are you coming along?”
I narrow my eyes as I catch Jonne
looking at Jack instead of answering Teemu’s question.
“What do you want to do?” Jonne asks
Jack.
“If you want to go clubbing, we can
do that,” Jack says, but his tone makes it clear that he’d rather not.
Jonne picks up on it too. “We’ll see
what happens later, Teemu.”
Teemu exchanges a look with Jussi,
which I notice, and grins at his friend. Was this just a ploy to find out if
Jonne wanted to stay close to Jack? If so, it worked. Jack pulled up a chair to
the table and offers it to Jonne. That’s another action that doesn’t go
unnoticed and I look at Pasi when he pinches me softly. I nod, showing I get it
too. Jack takes up position behind Jonne and seems content to stay there.
“When will the show start?” Jonne
asks.
“In about thirty,” Jussi replies. “I
should get ready and do some vocal exorcises… Excuse me, guys.” He gets up,
leaves, and Jack quickly takes possession of the chair Jussi vacated. He’s
sitting next to Jonne now and keeps a close eye on my brother.
“So…” I say slowly and draw Jonne’s
attention to me by doing so. “You’re staying with Jack? I didn’t know you were
such good friends.” Let’s see what Jonne will say to that. Jonne actually grows
a bit flustered; I doubt any of the other guys notice it, but I know him best
and I do.
“We’re not – yet,” Jonne adds the
last word when Jack gives him a sad look. “But we’re working on it.”
Ah… you’re working on it… Jonne,
that’s your way of saying – I like him and want him close! “I think it’s
great…”
Jonne frowns at my reply, but doesn’t
question me, probably knowing he will get the third degree later tonight.
~~~
“For one moment I worried that Jack
was going to follow us,” I tell Jonne when I close the bathroom door behind us.
The only way to get Jack away from Jonne is to go to the toilet, it seems. “He
seems glued to you!” Jonne avoids my gaze and seems a bit embarrassed.
“He likes me,” he says quietly. “I
have the feeling he might be in love with me.”
Looks like we’re not going to dance
around the issue for a change, which is something I approve of. “I have the
feeling you’re right,” I say teasingly. “Jack appears to be in love with you.”
Only a blind person wouldn’t see that!
Jonne raises his head, moistens his
lips, and sighs deeply. “It’s rather obvious, isn’t it? I can’t believe I
didn’t catch it right away.”
I shrug. “At least you’re aware of it
now. So, are you going to act on it? What are your plans, Jonne?” I lean
against the door with my back, ensuring no one can enter and catch us talking.
“I’m not sure yet…” Jonne says as he
moves away from me. “The thing is, I like
him too.”
A victorious feeling sweeps through
me. “I knew it!” At that, Jonne’s head jerks up and he stares at me with wide
eyes. “It’s rare for you to let anyone invade your personal space, and when I
heard that Jack was staying at your place, I thought something was fishy. When
I called you, and you turned out to be staying at his place, I became rather
sure that something was going on! Jonne, this is great!” Jonne however sighs
and gives me a haunted look.
“I want to give this a chance, but
I’m still unsure if it’s the right thing to do.”
“Because of Christus?” Fuck, I hate
the way Christus still has a hold over my brother. Jonne nods and confirms my
suspicions. “But why? Spit told me that Christus moved on! He has a girlfriend
and moved in with her.” I cover the distance between us and rest my hands on
his shoulders. “Jonne, you have every right to be happy. Don’t continue to pine
for him. Christus is no longer in your life, but Jack is.”
Jonne draws in a deep breath. “You
might be right about that, Ville, but I don’t want to get hurt again. I still
hurt because of what happened with Christus. I don’t want to go through that
with Jack too.”
“Jack’s not Christus and you have
changed too, Jonne. If you don’t take a risk, you’ll remain alone forever.
Jonne, you’re not made to live like that. You should be together with someone,
and to be honest? From what I’ve heard, Jack has been in love with you for
quite some time.” Jonne’s eyes grow big – yeah, I had thought that it would get
his attention. “Spit told us some things about Jack. It seems like he has been
in love with you for the last two years. It might even be part of the reason
why he divorced.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?” Jonne
frowns.
“Maybe because of the same reason you
don’t want to get involved with him right now.” Let’s see if Jonne can figure
it out himself.
“Because of Christus?” Jonne’s
features contort. “Fuck…”
So he did it figure it. Maybe there’s
hope for him yet. “What are you going to do about it, Jonne? I hope you realize
it’s up to you to take action.” I’m making that up of course, but *do* I want
Jonne to take the initiative.
Jonne doesn’t seem certain though.
“That’s easier said than done… I don’t know what to do… It’s been years since I
flirted – or dated.”
Is Jonne asking me for pointers? I
blink at him. “Jonne, start slow… I don’t expect you to drag him off to your
bed and tie him down!” Jonne blushes and I wave a finger at him. “Start with
holding his hand…or wrap your arm around him… Touch him as if accidentally.
Come on, Jonne, you’ve got more experience than me!”
“But I’m out of practice…”
I roll my eyes. “Then get busy!
Jonne, Jack is a good guy… Give him a chance…” Jonne nods, but I can tell
Christus is still on his mind. “Don’t let Christus control your life, Jonne… He
moved on and so should you.” Jonne’s about to reply when someone bangs on the
door.
“I don’t know what the two of you are
doing in there, and I don’t want to know actually, but can you stop doing
whatever it is? I need to use the bathroom, and if you don’t want me to pee out
here, I suggest you open the door!”
“Your future boyfriend has a nice way
of getting his point across,” I whisper into Jonne’s ear. “Good luck.” Jonne
however doesn’t seem fazed.
“He’s nervous – that’s when he talks
too much. I noticed that already…” Jonne whispers back. Then, louder, he adds,
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Jack.” Jonne pulls me away, as I have been
blocking the door, and opens it. “You can come inside,” he tells Jack, who
gives him a suspicious look.
Jack takes a step inside, looks at
me, and at Jonne, and eventually grins. “So are you guys done in here? I need
to go and don’t need an audience.”
“We’re done,” Jonne announces as he
puts an arm around my shoulders. He pulls me out of the bathroom and toward the
stage.
“Fuck, they already started playing!”
I missed the beginning of the gig and blame Jonne for that! I free myself of
his hold and move toward that part of the stage where Pasi is located. I make
sure I stay out of sight of the audience, but wink at my new boyfriend. From
the corner of my eye, I watch Jonne, who hovers close to the bathroom. He’s
probably waiting for Jack to leave it.
I do hope Jonne’s going to break free
of the hold Christus still has on him. I’m glad Jack likes Jonne, for I think
he’s a good choice, and I’m even happier that Jonne likes him back. The fact
that the two of them already banter around each other is a good sign as far as
I’m concerned: it shows that they like each other.
Unexpectedly, my phone vibrates in my
pocket and I quickly uncover it, realizing it can only be Eero or Tommi.
Looking at the display, I recognize I was right – it’s Tommi. A moment later,
his message appears.
*Did Jonne ever arrive in Helsinki? I
texted him, but he isn’t answering… Get back to me, I need to know.*
I chuckle: sounds like Tommi’s
worried. I should probably reassure him that everything is fine.
*Jonne’s here all right and Jack’s
not leaving his side. I’ve got the feeling Jonne might end up with a boyfriend
within the next few weeks.*
I press send and grin evilly. Let’s
see how Tommi reacts to that. I don’t need to wait for long though.
*Boyfriend? Maybe I shouldn’t have
told Jonne to get his act together and fuck Jack…*
I burst out laughing and catch Jonne
giving me an odd look. So Tommi told Jonne to fuck Jack? Jonne must have
irritated Tommi big time for our oldest brother to react like that!
*In that case, I hope Jack has
condoms at home! But seriously, I don’t think they will move that fast! I’ll
keep you updated! Love you and bye!*
I slip my phone into my pocket again
and watch Jonne, who’s coming over to me. He’s probably wondering why I was
laughing at him. “You forgot to bring Jack along.”
“He’ll find me…” Jonne narrows his
eyes and studies me. “What was going on just now?”
Oh, I will tell him – I want to see
his expression when he hears me say it. “Tommi texted me… He wondered if you
ever arrived and if you had fucked Jack yet.” Jonne glares at me and I can tell
he’s irritated. “Tommi was joking,” I tell him, hoping he will come around.
Jonne however ignores me. “There’s
Jack… I’ll see you later.”
He walks away from me, toward Jack,
and I wonder what happened just now. Then, I realize something about Jonne:
maybe he wants to be close to Jack in that way… Maybe he wants to make love to
him – maybe, Jonne’s lonely. Fuck…What do I do with that realization?
Looking at Jonne, I find that he has
joined Jack again. Jack smiles and I bet he wouldn’t mind having sex with
Jonne, but I know Jonne won’t move that fast. He’ll go slow and make sure he
doesn’t end up heartbroken. Jonne must have felt my eyes upon him, because he
suddenly takes Jack’s hand in his and clasps his fingers tightly around the
limb. Jack appears surprised, but then leans in closer to Jonne and his smile
grows even brighter.
I should stop worrying about those
two. The way Jack looks at Jonne tells me that he won’t give in easily – Jack
will find a way to get through to Jonne, and after my little talk with Jonne, I
feel confident that he will give Jack his chance. Those two will find a way to
make it work… I should concentrate on my own relationship instead.
TBC
Part 8
“They played a great gig!” Jack opens
the door to his apartment and steps inside. “And the audience loved them!”
I follow Jack into the living room,
where he sits down on the couch. Jack has been charming company so far – very
attentive and cheerful. I kept my word and played nice and didn’t bitch at him.
My changed attitude is doing wonders for our growing friendship. “Do you want
something to drink? No, don’t get up! I’ll get it.” Jack stretches and then
pushes himself deeper into the comfort of the couch.
“Beer would be great…”
“One beer coming up…” I head for the
kitchen, remove Jack’s beer from the fridge, and get some bottled water for
myself. I return to the living room, but remain standing in the doorway when I
find my surroundings have changed. Jack closed the curtains, lit candles, and
is putting on music right now. My first reaction is to verbally lash out at him
for confusing me, but I bite down on my tongue and stay quiet.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Jack says as
he turns around to face me. “I just wanted to make everything more
comfortable.”
“It’s okay.” I don’t blame him for
trying to set a relaxed mood. I place Jack’s beer onto the coffee table and sit
down on the couch – leaving Jack enough space to sit down next to me if he
wants to. He takes the hint and takes a seat next to me. He reaches for his
beer, sips from it, but then puts it back onto the table. He sits back and
gazes at me thoughtfully. It feels like he wants to make a move, but doesn’t
feel comfortable doing so. Maybe he’s worried about my possible reaction. Like
Ville said, it’s up to me.
I reach for Jack’s hand, take it into
mine, and pull it into my lap. I stroke the back of his hand, and when he
twines our fingers, I look up at him. Jack possesses the warmest smile I’ve
ever seen and it feels like the room temperature just went up. I don’t know yet
how to do this, but it’s obvious that we need to talk. I shift on the couch,
but don’t release his hand. I end up sitting cross-legged, facing him.
“We need to talk, don’t we?” Jack
says hesitantly.
“I think so, but don’t be scared…” I
wonder about the melancholy expression that has appeared in his eyes. It looks
like Jack doesn’t think our talk will end on a positive note.
“Is this the moment you’re going to
tell me that you feel flattered that I’m interested in you, but you don’t want
to risk your heart? Because you’re worried to end up hurt again?”
Jack impresses me – he knows me very
well, but he doesn’t know that things have changed for me. I would have
confirmed his remark only yesterday, but today, things are different. “Not
anymore.” Jack blinks and I rub his fingers using mine. “I had a change of
heart when I was riding the train earlier today.” Jack frowns and seems utterly
confused: I feel sorry for him, knowing his emotional turmoil is my doing. “I’m
holding your hand, am I not?” I raise his hand and draw his attention to it.
Jack stares at our joined hands and
nods eventually. “I wondered about that.”
“Jack… Can I ask you something
personal?” A suspicious look appears on Jack’s face, but then he nods. “I heard
that you’ve been interested in me for a long time and I wonder if it’s true.”
Jack grows uncomfortable and twitches
slightly. “Whomever told you that should have kept his mouth shut.”
“But they told me and now I’m asking
you if it’s true. I would appreciate it if you answered the question, Jack.” I
understand why he’s hesitant, but it would be best to build our friendship on
the truth.
Jack draws in a deep breath, shrugs,
and lowers his gaze. “They might be right… I’ve liked you for quite some time…”
I feel relieved that Jack told me
that – it’s a start. “I had no clue… Jack, I like you in turn, but we need to
go slow… I need to go slow… I feel still haunted… by… you know who…I don’t want
to say his name or bring him into our conversation… But I want you to know that
I like you and that I want to give us a chance… I can’t tell what will happen,
but… let’s see where it takes us.” Jack’s expression instantly clears and any
depressing thoughts seem to leave him. I’m happy to see him smile again.
“I would like that too and don’t
worry… I can do slow!”
“I’m sure you can.” I hadn’t thought
I would feel so relieved and maybe even a bit grateful after having this
conversation.
“Is it okay if I put my arm around
you?” Jack asks while his eyes warm up even more.
“That’s okay.” I chuckle and shake my
head. In a way it’s cute that Jack asks me first. He puts his arm around me and
pulls me closer. I move toward him and rest my head against his shoulder.
Sitting like this is nice and feels intimate – I like it.
~~~
Slipping between the covers of Jack’s
bed feels odd. Although I spent lots of nights in hotel rooms, this feels
different. This might become my second home if things work out. It’s a bit
chilly in the room because I kept the window ajar and I pull the comforter up
to my chin. The scent of vanilla surrounds me and it strikes me as funny that
someone like Jack uses fabric softener.
“Are you fine? Is there anything you
need?” sounds Jack’s voice from the other side of the door.
He’s been the perfect gentleman all
evening and I appreciate it. It makes me like him even more. “I’m fine and your
bed smells of vanilla! I like it.” Jack chuckles and I can hear it through the
door.
“I’m glad you like it… I’ll see you
in the morning! Bye, Jonne!”
“Bye, Jack! Hope you’ll sleep well…”
Jack’s footfalls tell me that he’s moving away from the door. I felt bad for
occupying his bed and offered to sleep on the couch instead, but Jack refused.
I turn onto my side, make myself as comfortable as I can, and close my eyes. I
still can’t believe I did it – I took the train to Helsinki to be with Jack and
now I’m in his bed – alone, but still, I made it here!
Feeling pleased with myself, I drift
off into sleep, and hope I’ll dream of Jack.
~~~
Still half asleep, I stretch and
realize I’m not in my bed. That doesn’t alarm me – I wake up in strange beds
all the time, but something strikes me as odd. Ah yes, there’s no roommate… No
Tommi, Nakki, or Larry who’s harassing me.
I open my eyes and remember that I’m
at Jack’s apartment. I spent the night in his bed, and oddly enough – alone.
Sunlight sneaks into the bedroom and it makes me hope that it will be a sunny
and warm day. I push the comforter to the foot end, place my feet on the floor,
and rise from the bed. I reach for my jeans, step into them, and pull a clean
T-shirt from my bag. I’ll shower and clean up later – first I want coffee.
I open the door, step into the
corridor, and look about. Jack opened the curtains in the living room, because
that’s where most of the sunlight enters the apartment. He might be awake in
that case. “Jack? Are you up already?”
There’s no reply – maybe Jack’s
asleep after all. Softer, I call out again. “Jack?” But everything remains
quiet, and when I step into the living room, I find the couch empty. A piece of
paper draws my attention and I sit down to read it.
*I went to the supermarket… Will be
back soon… Feel at home and make tea or coffee if you want to…*
That explains Jack’s absence. I
follow his advice and go into the kitchen to make coffee, only to find the
coffee maker set and ready. All I need to do is press the button. I sit down at
the kitchen table and uncover my phone. There aren’t any messages, which
surprises me. I would have expected for either Tommi or Ville to ask how my
first night at Jack’s place had been.
The coffee is ready, and after a
quick search I find milk, sugar, and mugs. I sit down again, stir my coffee,
and wonder what to do until Jack gets here. Fortunately I don’t need to wait
for long as I hear the front door open.
A moment later, Jack appears carrying
a plastic bag containing his groceries. He looks at me in surprise, but then
his smile’s back. “You’re up already! I thought you’d sleep in,” he says as he
puts the bag on the counter.
“I woke up and decided to look for
you… I was surprised to find you gone, but then I noticed the note you had
left.”
Jack puts his groceries on the
counter and nods. “I discovered that I lacked some things and decided to get
them while you were still asleep.” He turns around and looks a bit sheepishly
as he adds, “I didn’t know what you wanted for breakfast, so…”
I look at the groceries: he bought
almost everything you can imagine to go with breakfast – from cereal to bacon.
“Just get me some bread and jam, and I’ll be fine.” Jack puts everything we
need on the table and sits down.
“You made coffee…”
I arch an eyebrow and wonder about
the statement. “Do you want some?”
“Oh yeah…”
Jack remains seated though and I roll
my eyes. “Do you want me to get you some?”
“No, that’s not necessary! I can do
that myself!”
Suddenly Jack comes alive: he was in
thoughts probably when he mentioned me having made coffee. “Stay where you
are,” I tell him and get to my feet. “I’ll get it for you.” I don’t mind: he’s
doing a lot for me and I like doing something back. “Do you drink it black or
with milk and sugar?” Getting him his coffee will tell me how he likes it best.
“Just a little milk… But I can get it
and…”
I glare at him and it shuts him up –
good. I add the milk to his coffee, put a spoon in it and place it in front of
him. “I hope that’s fine.” Jack gives me the most adoring look ever and I
realize I made his day – in a very simple way. “Enjoy.”
“Thanks…”
Jack raises the mug, sips from it,
and reaches for the milk which I put on the table in case he wants more of it in his coffee. He puts the milk in his
bowl, adds a shitload of Cheerios to it, and buries everything beneath a
mountain of sugar. How can he possibly eat that? But Jack manages his breakfast
without any problems and empties the bowl. A satisfied expression appears on
his face as he continues to sip from his coffee.
“Jonne? I didn’t make any plans for
today… Maybe there’s something you want to do? I can show you the city, but I
reckon you’ve seen it many times before, so you might not be interested in that
and that’s fine of course…”
He’s rambling again. As he’s close
enough for me to touch him, I place a finger against his lips. It never fails
to shut up people and Jack grows quiet as well. “I’d love to do some
sightseeing, and it doesn’t matter if I’ve already seen it. It will be
different because you’ll be there, showing me.” Jack grows flustered; I hadn’t
realized how easily I can make him blush. “And tonight, when we get back we
will work on your songs.”
“I like you better each day,” Jack
quips.
Well, I’m not going to complain about
it – I want Jack to like me!
~~~
We eat our sugar-covered pastries
while sitting on the stairs near Helsinki’s white and green cathedral. Looking
out over Senator’s Square, we watch one bus after another drop of tourists,
which quickly take their pictures and then drive off to the next place of
interest.
“We’re kind of lucky,” Jack says.
“It’s not a busy day. On a bad day, they’ll trample on you to get their
picture.”
I tear a small piece of my strawberry
pastry and look at it. “Open up,” I tell Jack, who gives me a puzzled look. He
complies though and I shove it inside his mouth. Catching on at last, Jack
grins, and starts to chew. Jack sits in front of me and suddenly he leans back
against me. My knees are in the way though and I part my legs so he can move
closer against me. Jack rests his back against my abdomen and puts a hand on my
right knee. Staking his claim already? It didn’t take him long to do that. “Are
you comfortable?”
“Now I am… “ Jack cocks his head, and
by doing so, he can make eye contact. “Do you mind?”
“No, I don’t.” I know he will
withdraw if I tell him so and I don’t want that. I’m okay with it, and in a
way, I enjoy having him close. In order to show Jack that I’m serious, I wrap
an arm around his chest and pull him even closer. “We’re lucky that it doesn’t
rain today… I like sitting here and watching those mad tourists.” As long as
there are no mad fans about I’m perfectly fine sitting here.
“Oh, the weather can change within a
heartbeat,” Jack says. “The sun can be out one moment, and there can be a
thunderstorm the next. It’s because of the sea…”
I rest my chin on Jack’s head and
grin. “Does the sea call to you, Captain Jack?”
Jack chuckles loudly, but doesn’t
move his head.
“Actually, Sammy prides himself on
being the Captain.”
“Sammy can go to hell… You’re Captain
here…” Now Jack does move and cock his head. Looking at me, he raises his right
hand and caresses my face. The expression in his eyes tells me his heart’s
desire and I don’t want to deny him. So I lean in towards him and kiss him on
the lips. Jack’s breathing quickens and his right hand moves towards my neck,
where it settles, moving through my hair and probably messing it up.
Jack doesn’t want to let go and draws
out the kiss – I let him, but when I run out of breath, I pull away. Jack’s a
good kisser – I felt that kiss right down into my toes. I run my fingers
through his hair – messing it up in turn as revenge, and he probably regrets
letting me talk him into leaving his hat at home.
Jack doesn’t speak – he merely looks
at me with a particularly warm sensation in his eyes. He doesn’t need to tell
me how much he liked that kiss. I decide against talking as well and settle for
pulling him against me. Today is a good day and I’m going to enjoy it to the
fullest.
~~~
Jack’s in the living room and fine
tuning his guitars so we can work on his music, but before I join him, I need
to make some calls. I’ve been out of touch with Eero and Tommi and need to know
what’s going on. I decide to call Eero first as I’m most curious about the way
he’s dealing with Arttu and Antti.
I let the phone ring longer than I
usually would, knowing only too well that Eero might need a few minutes to
answer my call – especially when he’s caught up looking after Arttu.
“Eero here…”
Ah, he managed to get to his phone
relatively quick then! “It’s me, but you probably know that already.” My name
must have appeared on the display. “I was wondering how you’re doing – and
Arttu of course. How are things?”
Eero sighs and remains quiet for a
moment. “Honestly? Arttu is no problem at all. He sleeps all the time, and when
he does wake up, he takes his medication, has some soup, and goes back to
sleep. The real problem is Antti.”
“He’s driving you nuts,” I state –
knowing exactly what Antti’s like. “Can’t you get help? Someone who can deal
with Antti? Take him off your hands? Or you could move Arttu to our place.” The
moment I make that last suggestion, I realize that Antti would never go along
with it – he will want to remain close to his brother.
“Antti will never leave Arttu’s side
and you know it… No, I have to endure his madness,” Eero says in an overly
dramatic voice.
“Are you getting any studying done?
When is your test coming up again?”
“The test is on Monday, and yes, I’m
making progress. It helps that Arttu sleeps a lot.”
“And what does Antti do during
Arttu’s sleep?”
“He sits next to the bed and watches
Arttu sleep,” Eero sighs. “He’s even worse than me…”
“You’re doing great,” I tell Eero.
“And you’ll ace that test on Monday.”
“I hope so…” Eero grows quiet again.
“And how about you? Are you still in Helsinki with Jack?”
“Yeah, I’m still at his place…” I
wonder how much I should tell Eero, but then again, we’re brothers and I trust
him. “We spend a great day in the city today. Jack showed me about and now he’s
waiting for me to join him so we can work on his songs.”
“You like him – You like being there.
That’s good, Jonne… That’s good.”
“I like him, yes… I like him a lot…
And he’s in love with me, Eero. He’s been in love with me for quite some time…I
decided to give us a chance…”
“That’s the best decision you could
have made, Jonne. When you told me about Christus at the beach house in Oulu, I
wished for something like this to happen. I want you to be happy too, and if
Jack’s the person to accomplish this, I’d be happy about it.”
I expected Eero to react like that so
I’m not surprised. “I’m staying until Saturday – then I’m taking the train
home… I can drop by and take Antti off your hands for some hours.”
“Yes, please do!”
I smile, regardless of the fact that
Eero can’t see it. “Hang in there, Eero… Keep studying and ignore Antti if you
can.”
“I’ll do my best…have fun with Jack!
I’ll see you on Saturday then! Bye, Jonne!”
“Bye, Eero…”
I end the call and access Tommi’s
number. One down, one to go.
“Jonne? What’s wrong?”
I roll my eyes at Tommi’s typical
reaction – he still expects me to end up in trouble. “Nothing’s wrong… I just
wanted to check on you… How are you doing, Tommi?”
“You’re calling me at this late hour
to ask me how I’m doing?”
I check the time. “Tommi, it’s only
eleven PM!”
“Decent people are in bed at that
time!”
“You’re not decent people and neither
am I.” I chuckle though, catching on that he’s teasing me. “Did you already
pack for Oulu? When does your flight leave?”
“Tomorrow at two PM, but I’m thinking
about cancelling the flight. I don’t feel comfortable leaving with Arttu being
bedridden and Eero nursing him. I should stick around and help.”
“No, Tommi, you’re not doing that! If
you do, I’ll tell Eero to kick your ass in my name! You must go to Oulu! Eero
doesn’t want you to cancel your trip either. Tommi, fly to Oulu… I’ll be back
on Saturday and will keep an eye on Eero, but honestly, I talked to him just
now and he’s got everything under control.”
“I’m not so sure about… Antti’s being
a nuisance.”
“You’re right about that, but Tommi,
Antti’s always a nuisance… And I trust Eero to handle him… Eero has changed: he
can deal with this, Tommi. We need to have faith in him and stop mothering
him.”
“Maybe you’re right, but… I feel
responsible for him… Jonne, I failed him once before.”
“Tommi, if it makes you feel better
visit them tomorrow before you leave for the airport, but please, go to Juha.
You need time off too. And please, Tommi, put your trust in Eero. He won’t let
you down.” I do hope I’m getting through to him.
“All right… I’ll drop by at their
place and then decide if I’m flying to Oulu or not…”
It’s the best I can do – I know that
much. Tommi is stubborn like hell when he’s gotten something into his head.
“Yeah, do that and you’ll see that Eero’s got everything under control. Go to
bed, Tommi… You sound tired.”
“I will… Are you staying with Jack?
Or did you check into a hotel?”
“I’m staying with Jack… And no, I’m
not fucking him! He sleeps on the couch and I got the bed… So stop thinking
stuff like that!”
“Well, at least my comment made you
go to Helsinki! But fine, I’ll shut up and get my mind out of the gutter… Sleep
tight, Jonne.”
“Tommi, text me once you know what
you’ll do – if you go to Oulu or not… I want to know.” Maybe I will be able to
change his mind in time for him to make his flight if he decides against going.
“I will… Bye, Jonne…”
“Bye, Tommi… Love you…” I end this
call as well and put my phone onto the kitchen table. I love my brothers, but
damn, we’re a messed up family.
“Hey, are you going to join me
tonight?” Jack leans against the doorway and looks at me hopefully. “I want to
spend time with you too…”
“Oh Jack…” I get to my feet, make my
way over to him, and wrap an arm around his shoulder. “You have my company for
the rest of the night if you can stay awake that long!”
“I can try…”
Jack’s reply makes me smile – yes, he
will fight to stay awake for as long as possible, simply because he wants to be
close to me…
TBC
Part 9
I carry out Jonne’s advice and decide
to visit Eero and Arttu before I make up my mind about going to Oulu. Jonne
thinks that Eero has everything under control, but I’m not that sure. I doubt
Arttu will give him problems: he’s happy to be asleep in bed, but Antti is a
different matter.
I didn’t call Eero in advance, as I
want to find out what life’s really like at the Aatamila household and if Eero
can handle the situation or not. Ringing the door bell, I wait for someone to
answer and let me in.
“Who are you?”
I roll my eyes at hearing Antti’s
typical reply. “It’s me, Tommi.”
“Tommi? What are you doing here so
early in the morning?”
“It’s not that early, Antti. He’s
already ten AM. So what’s the deal? Are you going to let me in or not? It’s
raining, Antti, in case you hadn’t noticed and I’m getting wet.” Antti remains
quiet, but then the buzzer tells me that he has unlocked the door. I step into
the main hall and head for the door to Antti’s apartment. I have to press the
button again, because he didn’t open it yet. “Antti, move it!”
“Be nice to me or I won’t let you
in!” Antti threatens upon opening the door. He still blocks the entrance and
gives me a dirty look. It looks like I woke him as he’s merely wearing one of
Arttu’s T-shirts.
“That’s not your size,” I pester him
back. Two can play this game.
“Shut the fuck up, Tommi…” Antti
steps to the side, turns, and heads for the kitchen, leaving me standing there
in the hallway.
“Such a warm welcome,” I call out
after Antti, who promptly shows me his bony middle finger. I walk into the
living room, in search of Eero, but he isn’t there. In that case, he’s probably
still in the bedroom with Arttu and I knock on the door. I don’t want to walk
in on them like that. “Eero? Are you in there? It’s me, Tommi.” I look over my
shoulder and notice the large number of books on the coffee table; looks like
Eero’s still studying to pass his test.
“Yeah, give me a moment…”
He sounds preoccupied and I hope I
didn’t disturb an intimate moment. “I’ll be in the kitchen… Harassing Antti.”
“Thanks, Tommi… I’ll join you in a
few minutes.”
Eero sounds calm and in control of
the situation so I head for the kitchen instead. Antti sits at the kitchen
table, sipping black coffee which has a strong aroma. Smells perfect and I get
me some. “You look tired,” I notice as I sit down opposite him. Antti *does*
look tired. “Aren’t you getting enough sleep?”
“With Arttu being in pain? How do you
expect me to sleep when he’s hurting?”
Antti sounds angry and I realize I’ve
addressed a sensitive issue. “Antti, exhausting yourself won’t help Arttu get
better. You need to take care of yourself as well. Give Arttu and Eero some
time and space to breathe… Don’t hover all the time. Arttu’s safe in bed and
will recover little by little. Don’t make things worse.” I expect Antti to
verbally lash out at me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he looks at me thoughtfully.
“Maybe you’re right,” he admits and
sighs. “Eero got pissed off yesterday and yelled at me… He made me go to bed
and sleep…”
I can’t hide a smile at hearing that.
Maybe Jonne’s right and Eero does have the situation under control. “You should
listen to him.” Antti nods and I notice the way his eyes start to close. “Why
don’t you go back to bed and sleep some more? You’re still tired.”
“Maybe I will…”
Antti remains quiet after that –
which is rather atypical for him. I’m not complaining though – a quiet Antti is
the best Antti as far as I’m concerned.
“I’m sorry you had to wait, but I was
helping Arttu in the bathroom,” Eero explains as he steps into the kitchen.
I study him while he sits down and am
surprised to see that he looks calm and rested – contrary to Antti. “Looks like
you have everything under control.”
Eero nods. “After banishing Mr.
Blabbermouth to his bedroom, I did!” One look at Antti tells me that he wants
to protest, but he swallows his comment when Eero glares at him. “It took me a
while to get him to listen, but I think we know where we stand now.”
I’m impressed: I really am. I’ve seen
Jonne handle Antti in the past, but I hadn’t thought Eero had it in him as
well. “Does that mean you don’t need me to stay? Because I’m here to offer my
help.”
Eero’s eyes narrow and a suspicious
look appears in his eyes. “Aren’t you leaving for Oulu today? You’re going to
stay with Juha for the weekend, or am I wrong?”
I decide to be honest. “That was my
original plan, but I can change it. If you need me, I’ll stay.” Eero’s
expression tells me that it’s not going to happen though – he isn’t going to
accept my offer.
“Screw it, Tommi! You’re not going to
worsen the situation by staying here. I can deal with Antti, you saw that.
Arttu’s asleep and not a bother. I’m actually ahead of my studies and I get
lots of sleep because Arttu sleeps through the night. You’re not going to ruin
that. You’re leaving for Oulu!”
He’s getting keyed up about telling
me off and I can’t help but grin at Eero. Jonne was right: Eero has changed
since the four of us got together. I should better stay quiet about it, but
Eero starts to look and act more like me each day. He has gained weight and I’d
swear he’s grown! It’s just my imagination of course, but still.
“Why are you grinning like that?”
Eero cocks his head.
“I merely thought that you’ve
changed, Eero… And I like it… You’re assertive and take control… You would
never have done so a year ago.”
Eero frowns and his eyes take on a
distant expression. “Do you really think so?”
I nod. “I do, Eero… And if you take
the time to look at yourself, you’ll realize I’m right.”
“He has got a point,” Antti says
suddenly. “You have changed… You’d never have bullied me in the past.”
Eero remains thoughtful and his frown
deepens. “Do you mind me bullying you?” he asks Antti in a soft and uncertain
voice.
“No, not at all,” Antti says with a
smile. “I like this new and improved version of you, Eero.”
“Okay…” Eero says ponderingly. “I
never noticed it myself…”
“Don’t you need to get going, Tommi?
You *do* want to catch your plane, don’t you? Please…. Get out of here!” Antti
raises an arm and tries to shoe me from the kitchen table. “Move it.”
Looks like they don’t want me around,
and although I didn’t expect Eero to tell me to leave, I will comply. Why?
Because I believe he’s in control of the situation. This means I had better
head home, pack a bag, and check in for the flight.
~~~
I sit down on a chair and wait for Finnair to open their service counter. I turned up too
early, because I drove here like mad. Waiting, I get bored, and uncover my cell
phone. It seems like I have two messages.
*Hey, Tommi, how late does your
flight land exactly? I’ll pick you up at the airport! Love you, Juha.*
A smile forms on my face and I text a
reply; *I’ll land around three thirty… Am looking forward to seeing you again…*
I press send and draw in a deep breath. In a way, it feels surreal that I’m
meeting up with Juha again. Even though our relationship grows stronger with
each visit, I’m still afraid it might end abruptly.
The second message is from Jonne,
which I should have known. I didn’t text him as he had asked and probably wants
to find out this way.
*Tommi, tell me you’re going or else
I need to find someone to kick your ass onto the plane.*
Yeah, that’s Jonne all right. I
refuse to let him ruffle my feathers though. *I’m at the airport, waiting for
check in to open… Satisfied?*
I put away my phone and get in line
to check in. Once I’m also through the security check, I look for a quiet spot
in the waiting area. My phone alerts me that I’ve received another message.
*They fixed my car, so I can drive us
home… Do you mind having lasagna this evening? I just bought all ingredients.
Have a safe flight – love, Juha.*
*Thanks, and lasagna is just fine…
Love, Tommi.* I chuckle when I send that message. I sound like a love-sick
teenager. I never was one though – too many bad experiences.
I put away the phone and get out the
newspaper I bought earlier. Boarding should start within the next fifteen
minutes, so I had better use my time well.
~~~
I’m always happy when I’ve got solid
ground under my feet again. I descend the staircase and walk toward the small
airport building. Looks like Oulu’s airport is just as small as Tampere’s!
I get my luggage and am happy it
traveled along with me. It wouldn’t be the first time my luggage got lost. I
look about once I’m near the exit and search for Juha. I don’t see him at
first, but then someone waves at me and comes running toward me. A moment
later, someone’s hugging me tight – someone with red hair – not the black I was
looking for.
I blink in surprise, but when I
recognize Juha’s green eyes, I realize the mistake I made. “Your hair,” is all
I manage.
“Yes, I dyed it! The black was
getting boring! Do you like it?”
It doesn’t matter much what color his
hair is, but if he likes it better this way, I’m fine with it. “Looks great…
You fooled me though – I was looking for black hair – not a redhead!” Juha’s
all smiles and I can tell he’s really happy about the change.
“I can wear a wig, if you want that,”
Juha jokes. He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me outside. “That’s my
car over there! My baby!”
Why am I not surprised to see him
point at a red car? “You’re rather fond of red, aren’t you?” Juha grins and
nods. I don’t mind though.
~~~
Being back at Juha’s place feels
good. I like his apartment, and even more, his roof garden. “They fixed almost
everything.” The garden is almost back to its original state.
“Some plants couldn’t be replaced…
That’s why there are some empty spots, but they got plans to fill them up with
other plants.” As I’m looking out of the window, my back’s turned toward Juha,
who takes advantage of the situation by wrapping his arms around my waist. He
rests his upper body against my back and sighs contently. “I’m glad you’re
back. The place didn’t feel the same after you had left.”
I cover Juha’s hands with mine and
rub his fingers. “Trust me, I’m happy to be back.” I turn in the embrace until
I face him and study his eyes. “Juha, I’m not sure I can do this in the long
run. I missed having you close during the week and now that I’m here, I hate
the thought of having to leave again on Monday.”
“Then don’t think about it yet,” Juha
advices. “We can sit outside for a while, maybe it will help you relax… Later
on, I’ll try not to burn the lasagna and we’ll do whatever you want.”
“Whatever I want? That’s a quite a
promise you’re making…” I raise an arm, caress his face, and allow for my
fingers to slide through his hair.
“I’m not worried,” Juha replies. “I
doubt you’ll want to fuck… which is what I would do… Knowing you, you’ll want
to sit outside and stare at me!”
He might be right about that! “Well,
I like to look at you.”
Juha however snorts at hearing that.
“Tommi, you can look at me and touch me at the same time!”
“You’re pushy,” I say teasingly. I
open the balcony doors, and although it’s chilly outside, I want to sit on the
bench and relax. Right here, in Juha’s presence and in his little jungle, I can
let go and be me.
“Not there…” Juha says as I head for
the bench. “I’ve got something new and I think you’ll love it.”
Curiously I follow him and stare at
the giant hammock in the corner. “When did you put that up?”
“My father did the other day… Do you
like it?”
“Oh yes, I definitely do, but do you
think it can sustain our weight?” It looks sturdy, hooked up to the wall, but I
remain on my guard. I’m no lightweight and neither is Juha.
“I wouldn’t worry about it…” Juha
slips into the hammock and grins diabolically. “Or are you afraid we’ll crash
into the ground?”
Honestly? I’m worried, yes, but I
won’t tell Juha that because he’s going to laugh at me. Cautiously, I lower
myself into the hammock, but I didn’t count on Juha. He pulls at me and I
tumble against him. Thankfully the hammock doesn’t collapse and sustains our
weight. Juha pushes and pulls at me until he’s resting comfortably.
It’s a bit chilly and I can’t help
shivering against Juha. His reaction is swift and effective; he reaches beneath
him and uncovers a thick fleece blanket. I chuckle. “You’re well prepared!”
“I was out here yesterday and
realized it was growing colder and so I got out the blanket…” Juha covers us
and then settles down again. “It’ll grow dark shortly… Summer’s almost over and
then winter will come back.”
Actually, I like winter, and this
year, things will be different again. Last year, Eero joined the family – and
later on Arttu, after a fashion. Hopefully this year, we can welcome Juha into
the family. Suddenly, I think of something and though I feel a bit foolish
about asking him this early, I still do. “Juha, would you like to spend
Christmas in Tampere with me and my brothers?”
“You’re planning ahead!” Juha
chuckles and turns toward me so we can look at each other. “Let’s wait and see…
My parents count on me being there on Christmas Eve… My mother wouldn’t like it
if I went missing.”
“Maybe you can join me on the
twenty-fifth of December? That way you can spend time with your family and I
don’t have to be with you during Christmas.”
“That might work,” Juha says and
nods. “But it’s still months until Christmas and a lot can happen in that
time.”
“Maybe you’ll have moved to Tampere
by then.” Damn, that was a slip of the tongue and I offer Juha an apologetic
smile. “Sorry, I’m going too fast.”
“Normally you accuse me of rushing
things…”
The fact that Juha’s smiling
reassures me; it’s time to change the subject though. “Didn’t you promise me
food? Lasagna, if I remember correctly?”
“Yeah, I did… Are you hungry?” I nod
and Juha leans in closer to kiss me on the lips. “In that case, we should move
this to the kitchen…”
~~~
I watch Juha layering the lasagna and
am overcome by a sense of peace and rightness. I’ve never had the chance to be
much of a homely fellow. I’m on the road most of the time and to be spending
time like this is new to me. Having someone like Juha in my life is new to me.
Juha puts the dish into the oven and
then he turns toward me. I raise an arm and invite him over. He accepts, walks
over to me, and promptly straddles my lap – the imp. I move a strand of red
hair behind his ear and study him.
“Why are you looking at me like
that?”
“I’m trying to figure you out, but
I’m afraid I’ll fail miserably… In a way, you’re a riddle to me, Juha.”
Juha shrugs. “Actually, I seem to
have that effect on a lot of people.” He cocks his head and smiles. “Don’t
bother figuring me out, Tommi. Just accept me the way I am.”
He’s right about that and I stop
worrying about it. Instead I rest a hand at the nape of his neck and pull him in
for a kiss. It starts off rather chaste, but when Juha presses his tongue
against my teeth, I open my mouth and allow him inside. He seems eager to
devour me and I give as good as I’m getting. One of his hands moves beneath my
sweater and he caresses my flank. The touch makes me draw in my breathe sharply
and I catch his wandering hand in mine. I know that Juha loves to push me a
little, but I’ve got to stop him now or I might do something utterly stupid.
Juha gets the hint and twines his fingers with mine instead.
“Did you make any plans for the
weekend?” I ask in order to distract him. If it were up to Juha I’d be taking
him on the kitchen table – I know him that well by now.
“Maybe we can have a drink at Mikko’s place tomorrow evening?” he suggests. “I can show
you about Oulu, although we’ll be done quickly. I was more thinking about
sleeping late and being lazy in bed.”
Staying in bed is bad. Juha might get
a chance to have his way with me. It all comes down to a lack of self-esteem, I
guess, and it takes time for me to build some. Juha’s helping though. “We can
do that… I’m curious about the guy…”
Suddenly Tigger puts his claws into
my jeans, and although he isn’t scratching me, I feel the touch. “Someone’s
jealous.”
“No, he merely wants you to notice
him…” Juha shoes the cat away, who meows loudly, but then runs off into the
living room. “Just for the record, you’re sleeping in my bed…” Juha says all of
a sudden.
I blink, but then chuckle. I’m not
going to protest as I want Juha close during the night. “I wouldn’t dare
sleeping anywhere else except for your bed.”
Juha seems pleased, as he smiles at
me. “Good…” He leaves my lap – unfortunately, I might add as I was getting used
to having him occupying it – and walks over to the oven to check on our dinner.
“Looks like we can eat in five minutes. What drink do you want to go with it? I
bought alcohol-free beer just for you.”
“Sounds fine to me!’ I watch Juha
retrieve the beer from the fridge and uncap it. I forego using a glass and sip
from the bottle. Juha’s removing a bottle of wine and gives me an odd look, at
which I nod. “Go ahead, you know that I don’t have a problem with you drinking
wine.” Juha nods and pours himself a glass of white wine.
He removes the lasagna from the oven,
puts it on the table, and sits down opposite me. After filling up our plates,
he gives me an expectant look. I wait for the lasagna to cool down and taste
it. “It’s good!” It really is! Pleased, Juha sips from his wine.
“Normally I’m too lazy to cook,” Juha
confesses, “but for you, I’ll make an exception!”
I eat more of the lasagna and notice
that Juha keeps watching me throughout dinner. I wonder what’s up with that.
“I have a confession to make,” Juha
says unexpectedly.
I raise an eyebrow at hearing that.
“What did you do?” How much trouble am I in?
“I made the mistake of telling my
parents about you…” Juha blushes. “And they’re rather curious about you. They
invited us over for lunch on Sunday, but if you don’t want to go, that’s okay.
I’ll come with some excuse and they’ll accept it.”
This is unexpected; I never thought
about meeting Juha’s parents. “Don’t you think it’s a bit early for that? We’ve
only been dating for a few weeks.”
“I know that,” Juha replies and
sighs. “But they can be rather persistent if they want to. They want to know
what you’re like – and probably if you’re good enough for me. They can be
rather protective I’m afraid. I’ve tried to tell them to stop doing that, but
they refuse to listen.”
I’m not sure what to say to that. “I
don’t know if meeting them is the right thing to do. Let’s wait until Sunday to
decide.” Maybe I’ll change my mind – who knows?
“I’m sorry I brought it up,” Juha
says and sighs deeply. “But I’d promised them to ask.”
At that moment, I realize something
important about Juha – he loves his family dearly. He loves his parents as much
as I love my brothers. Having such a tight family is a blessing – at least
that’s my opinion. It also means I’ll have to accept Juha’s family if I want to
continue dating him. Juha won’t be happy otherwise, even though he might not
show it.
I reach across the table and cover
his hand with mine. I rub his fingers and smile at him. “I love you…” I tell
him – just that.
“I love you too,” Juha replies
instantly and he squeezes my fingers while saying the words.
I lean in closer and claim his lips
in a tender kiss. I’m in a strange mood all of a sudden and for some reason,
I’m no longer adverse to getting more intimate. I wouldn’t fuck Juha on the
table, but maybe I would make love to him in his bed.
TBC
Part 10
Enjoying the comforts of a warm bed,
I feel adverse against leaving it, but I should. It’s Saturday and I should get
my act together. I need to be on a train back home to Tampere shortly. Time
passed by too quickly. It seems like I stepped into Jack’s apartment only
yesterday. I can’t believe I’ve been here two days already and that this day
three.
The truth is that I don’t want to go
home. Yes, I promised Eero to take Antti off his hands, but I’d rather stay
here and spend time with Jack. Is it wise to open my heart to Jack so quickly?
What if I end up broken-hearted again? Although realizing that I’m overly
dramatic, I can’t help worrying. What if Jack will forget about me during the
weekend? Or what if our schedules won’t work out and we can’t see each other
again?
A knock on the door interrupts my
thoughts and I sit upright in bed, clutching the comforter as it’s a bit chilly
in the room. I should close the window at night. It won’t be long until
winter’s back upon us and it’ll be time to put on the heating again. “Yes?” I
call out, in a way wondering why Jack still bothers to knock.
“Would you like to go out for
breakfast or have it at home?”
I blink at hearing that question,
which is rather unexpected. “I’d rather stay at home.”
“Perfect!”
The door opens and Jack steps inside
carrying a fully loaded tray. He’s merely wearing a long white T-shirt, and for
some reason, he has his glasses on. His look makes me grin and I shake my head
at him. Jack has many sides to him and this is one I haven’t seen before.
“Breakfast in bed then?”
“Move a bit, will you?”
I move to the side so Jack can sit
down. He puts the tray in-between us and looks rather pleased with himself. A
quick look at the tray reveals that he thought of everything: it has coffee,
orange juice, toast and marmalade – which makes a perfect breakfast in my book.
He paid attention then!
Jack picks up a slice of toast,
butters it, and adds marmalade to it. “Open up,” he says and offers me the
food. I take a bite out of the toast and chew on it while Jack bites off
another chunk.
This is one of the best mornings
ever. Jack’s relaxed: I feel happy and this is just perfect. During my time with
Christus, he never did anything like this for me and Jack’s already bringing me
breakfast on day three. “You’re a sweet guy…” I whisper, feeling happy, but
also a bit insecure. Jack’s the opposite of Christus and I’m not sure how to
react to being pampered like this. Usually I am the one pampering the other
person.
Jack merely smiles and offers me more
toast. I eat some more and reach for the orange juice. In-between eating and
taking sips, I look at Jack and I wonder what kind of lover he is. What’s he
like between the sheets? I doubt he’s the selfish kind –getting himself off and
leaving me behind – something that happened to me in the past.
“You have a most curious look on your
face,” Jack remarks once he finishes his toast. “Like you want to ask me
something, but you’re not sure you can. Let me assure you that you can ask anything
you want to know.”
I can actually feel a blush settle
onto my face and I lower my gaze. It’s a bit too early to be thinking about
Jack in that way. I don’t want to end up hurt and need to be careful. “It’s
nothing…”
“You don’t need to lie to me…”
Jack takes my right hand in his and
pulls it toward his chest and close to his heart. Feeling nervous, I nibble on
my bottom lip. Jack’s not like Christus, I remind myself. But I’ve never dated
someone stable like Jack before – with Christus I felt like I was walking on
eggshells all the time and I don’t know how to act around Jack. Fuck, this is
embarrassing. Christus fucked me up worse than I realized!
“What do you want to know?” Jack
says, calmly repeating his question. “Come on, you can tell me.”
His fingers – those fucking exquisite
fingers of his, caress mine, and I can’t stop staring at them. In the end, I
cough in order to cover up my embarrassment and shrug. “I was wondering about
you – what you’re like in bed.” Telling Jack is probably a mistake, but at
least I’m telling him the truth. Jack however doesn’t act displeased, instead
he chuckles.
“Passionate, I’ve been told.
Passionate, a bit wild at times, but always very loving. I want to please my
partner… I’d want you to enjoy the ride…”
Jack smoothes some of my hair away
from my face and cocks his head in order to make eye contact. I’m tempted to
look away, but in the end, I meet his gaze. I owe it to him to explain myself.
“There’s something you need to know about me…” I bury my fingers in the
comforter and squeeze the material tightly. I’m not sure why I’m confiding in
Jack at this point, as we’re not actually together, but maybe it’s best to get
it out into the open.
“Does it have anything to do with
Christus?” Jack asks softly.
I nod and draw in a deep breath. “He
was rather unpredictable in bed… Not at first, but towards the end… I never
knew what kind of mood he was in and I had to be careful… It’s hard for me to
be spontaneous in bed because of that – I think…”
“You think?” Jack cups my face in the
palm of his hand and turns me toward him. “You didn’t take a lover after you
ended things with Christus? You didn’t even have a one-night-stand?” Jack
doesn’t actually sound surprised: but I hear another quality in his voice,
which I fail to label.
“You’re right… I didn’t… It didn’t
feel right and I wasn’t ready for that anyway…” I hope Jack will understand
what I’m trying to tell him. “Should we ever…take that step…and get intimate… I
might be a bit…awkward around you…” I can’t imagine what it will be like to
make love to someone who’s actually focused on me – on giving me pleasure…
Something tells me I might find it hard to simply accept and enjoy what Jack
would be offering me. “My relationship with Christus kind of fucked me up… I’m
not saying it’s his fault,” I add quickly as I don’t want Jack to think that
I’m blaming Christus. “I’m as much to blame.”
Jack gives me a long and hard look
and I don’t know what to make of the expression in his eyes. I sincerely hope I
didn’t fuck up. I want to have a shot at making things work with Jack, but maybe I sabotaged myself just now by
admitting that.
“Jonne… Christus was fucked up back
then and he messed with your mind as well. Not on purpose, I don’t think that –
he was too far gone to hurt you deliberately… I know what he was like back
then… I once told you that there was a reason why I would never want him for a
lover… He’s a good friend, but I would never get involved with him for the
reasons you mentioned just now.”
Jack’s words give me hope and I
search his eyes. Maybe I didn’t fuck up after all.
“I understand that Christus affected
you, and that in some ways he still affects you. As you said, we’ll go slow and
find out what works for us.” Jack draws in a deep breath and caresses my face.
“You need to trust me though and that might be hard on you… Just keep in mind
that I’m a different person. I’m Jack and I’ve been in love with you for a long
time. I want you to be happy and not constantly worrying that you might piss me
off. It’s extremely hard to piss me off anyway…”
Jack managed the impossible: he made
me smile. “Thanks for being understanding. I thought it best to mention it now
before…”
“I find out the wrong way.” Jack
nods. “You did the right thing…”
His fingers massage the back of my
neck and then slide down my back – still chastely above my T-shirt, but the
touch still makes me quiver. It’s been two years since I made love and my body
wants to experience that sensation again, but mentally, I shy away from it.
“I would love to kiss you…” Jack
whispers. “Can I?”
I smile at him. I don’t have issues
with being kissed – especially by Jack. “Sure…”
He pulls me against him, wraps an arm
around me, and kisses me while stroking my back. My toes start to curl again; I
can’t remember even been kissed in this manner – with such warmth and yes,
passion. My face feels hot by the time we pull apart and I feel shy again.
“How about we finish breakfast and we
go shopping? I’ll show you the best shops Helsinki has to offer.”
I understand why he’s changing the
subject and I’m grateful. I can get easily overwhelmed and need to sort out my
thoughts and emotions. “I’d like that, but I should get ready to leave for
home.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you…” Jack
smiles hopefully. “I need to work nights, but maybe you’d like to stay a few
more days? I don’t need much sleep and we could spend more time together. I
don’t want you to leave – not at this point.”
I moisten my lips and try to make up
my mind. “I’ve been thinking about that too,” I admit. “And I would like to
stay, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do. Eero needs me…” Well, he
doesn’t –not really.
“Eero and Antti will take care of
Arttu,” Jack says and searches my eyes. “What’s the real reason you want to
leave?”
I stare at my fingers, which still
claw at the comforter. I’m tense and can’t seem to relax. “I guess I’m scared
to fuck up – to do something that will drive you away. Jack, you must
understand…”
“I think I do…” Jack caresses my face
and smiles. “But you don’t need to be scared… I love you, remember? You can
fuck up all you want and I still won’t let you go… I’ll pull you into my arms
and we’ll kiss and make up.”
Jack’s done it again – I’m smiling.
“In that case, and if you don’t mind, I might stay a few more days… But I need
to call Eero first to find out if he really doesn’t need me.” Jack nods and
seems to understand. “Jack, I’ll fuck up lots of times.”
“You won’t – and even if you should
do, it doesn’t matter…”
The amount of faith that Jack has in
me amazes me. I can only hope I won’t disappoint him.
~~~
“Jonne, I’m serious! I have
everything under control! I told Tommi so yesterday and now I’m telling you.
You stay with Jack. I can manage here – especially since Antti’s behaving and
helping out.”
Eero sounds rather convincing and I’d
fight a lost battle objecting, so I accept that he’s coping on his own and
doesn’t need my help. “You do know that you only need to call me if you need
help?”
“Yes, Jonne, I know that… Now get
back to doing whatever it is you were doing and let me go back to my studies… I
don’t have much time left.”
Eero’s getting an attitude – I need
to talk to Tommi about that. It won’t be long before he’ll start to boss me,
Ville, and even Tommi around. “Okay, I understand… Take good care of yourself,
Eero, and of Arttu of course!”
“I will and now get going, Jonne!
Bye, love you!”
I blink: Eero actually hang up on me.
He’s really getting an attitude!
“Is everything alright? You look kind
of…stunned.”
Jack sits down on the couch next to
me and I nod, still feeling a bit taken aback. “He hung up on me – told me to
enjoy my time here with you and to stop worrying. He’s changed so much it’s
hard to comprehend. Only a year ago he acted the complete opposite!”
“Eero grew up… That probably has
everything to do with your support… Having a family to rely on makes a huge
difference.” Jack moves closer and turns my face toward him. “I want to get
closer to you…”
I swallow, growing nervous, but
still, I nod. “That’s okay with me.” I don’t know what he’s up to, but I might
enjoy it. Jack crawls onto my lap and straddles me. He wraps his arms around my
waist and rests his brow against my forehead. I suck in my breath and stare
into his eyes. Wow… he really is close all of a sudden. I like it though and
feeling mesmerized, I wrap an arm around him in turn and pull him in for
another kiss – a kiss which Jack gladly gives me.
His lips are surprisingly soft and I
close my eyes in order to savor the sensation. His fingers slide beneath my
T-shirt and I shiver uncontrollably. The mere thought of him touching me with
those fingers makes me hard.
“You’re beautiful like that…”
Jack’s whispering makes me open my
eyes and I stare at him in wonder. It might be hard to believe, but I’m not
used to receiving compliments. Christus never bothered telling me things like
that. I don’t know how to react to it, so I shrug.
Thankfully Jack doesn’t question me
about it and merely chuckles.
“I suspect I might come just by
watching you come…”
I stare at Jack and am about to speak
up when I realize that I have no idea what I want to say. In the end, I stay
quiet, but Jack’s comment makes me think. Does he really think that?
“How do you want to spend the rest of
the day? I start work at nine so we still have some hours left. How does hitting
the stores sound to you?”
Jack had mentioned shopping that
morning, but hadn’t brought it up since. “I like the idea,” I admit. Maybe I’ll
get lucky and find a nice present for Jack. I want to spoil him.
“We’ll do that then,” Jack decides.
“And we’ll have dinner some place nice… How about Hesburger? I really love
Hesburger!”
That’s not a place I had in mind to
have dinner at, but Jack seems rather excited about going there. Maybe he does
love Hesburger that much. It might also explain his tummy – not that I mind the
little extra weight. “Sure, we can do Hesburger. It’s been ages though since I
went there.” Most of the time, I avoid going to places like that because fans
might be hanging out there.
“I have to be at work at nine, so I
have been thinking – and don’t give me a smart remark about that.”
Jack speaks too fast for me to
interject and so I console myself with the fact that I’ll get my revenge when
he doesn’t expect it. “I’m quiet…”
“Maybe Ville’s still in Helsinki… I
know that the Uniklubi guys wanted to hit the city and maybe they haven’t left
yet. You could invite Ville over for the evening… That way you won’t be alone
until I get home at four.”
“Four in the morning?” Jack nods. “I
assume you’ll go straight to bed when you get home?”
Jack nods again. “Let me sleep until
noon and then I’ll be yours for the rest of the day – well until nine to be
exact.”
Actually, that sounds rather
appealing. I do love to have some alone time now and then. “I’ll give Ville a
call and see if he’s still around.” Jack leaves my lap, gets to his feet and
pulls me to mine. We remain standing there for a moment and it gives me the
chance to make up my mind. I don’t want Jack to sleep on the couch after working
all night – I also know that he won’t accept switching places, so I have only
one option left. “If you want to, you can sleep in the bed… It’s big enough for
the two us.” Involuntarily, I hold my breath as I await his answer.
“I’d like that – if you’re
comfortable with the idea of me hogging the comforter.”
I nod and caress Jack’s face. “I’m
perfectly comfortable with that.” It helped that we had that talk this morning
– even though I’m still ashamed for feeling fucked up like that. It credits
Jack that he still wants to take me on.
“Don’t kick me out because my feet
are cold… or because I stink of beer…”
“I won’t.” Jack’s so very good at
making me smile! He’s done it again. I cradle his hand in mine and look at our
joined limbs. “So where do you want to go first?”
“There’s a great CD-shop near Tavastia!
You’ve got to see it!”
Jack’s enthusiasm gets to me and I
smile at him. “Okay, let’s check it out.”
~~~
Contrary to my usual habits, I end up
at Stockmann having coffee and pastry at the Frazer
café. Jack’s having coffee too and can’t seem to stop looking at me. In a way
it’s funny – the way he seems focused on me.
I let my phone ring a few more times
and wait for Ville to answer it. If he doesn’t, I will text him.
“Ville here, what’s up, Jonne?”
“Are you still in Helsinki, Ville?”
“Actually, we’re getting ready to
leave. Why are you asking?”
I bite on my bottom lip. “I don’t
want to mess up any plans you might have.”
“I don’t have any plans except for
going back home. So spit it out, Jonne, why are you calling?”
Ville knows something is up and won’t
allow me to back down. “Jack has got to work tonight and suggested you might
keep me company this evening… So I won’t be alone.”
“Hum…” Obviously Ville needs a moment
to think it over. “I do want to go back home today, but I guess I can get on one
of the busses that drive to Tampere during the night… so why not? How late do
you want me to show up?”
“Jack starts work at nine…”
“I will be there around eight… If
that’s okay with you. Pasi and the other guys are driving home at that time and
they can drop me off at Jack’s place.”
“That sounds good…” I feel excited
about having Ville’s company tonight – I have much to tell him, and I bet, he
needs to tell me things too.
“I’ll see you soon then! Bye, Jonne,
I’ve got to go now.”
“Bye Ville.” I end the call, put away
the phone, and look at Jack who overheard the conversation.
“Are you going to eat that?”
Jack refers to the leftover pastry on
my plate. I chuckle and push it into his direction. “You can have it. I need to
watch what I eat…”
“Why?” Jack starts to eat and points
his fork at me.
“I don’t want to get fat…”
“Fat?” Jack stares at me in shock.
“You’re skinny, Jonne!”
“And I want to stay that way.”
“Suit yourself… Though I don’t mind
having a boyfriend with some meat on his ribs,” he adds and winks at me. A dark
expression colors his eyes all of a sudden. “You don’t need to get fat, but I
hope you’re not trying to lose weight… During the time you released Anorectic
your appearance scared me. It was like you were wasting away.”
I avert my gaze – I had hoped Jack
wouldn’t bring up that time in my life – at least not that quickly.
“What’s wrong?” Jack moves his chair
closer to mine. “Why are you avoiding me all of a sudden?”
“I was… Wasting away…” Even after so
many years it’s still difficult for me to discuss the matter. “I had called the
album Anorectic for a reason…” I grow quiet after that, knowing Jack’s smart
enough to figure out the rest himself. Suddenly Jack wraps his arm around my
shoulder and pulls me close to him. Slowly, I lift my head and meet his gaze.
The amount of sadness in them makes me swallow hard.
“We’ll talk about that when we have
some privacy… Not here,” he says. “But we will talk about it, okay?”
I nod, glad I’m off the hook for the
moment. At least now I know to prepare myself for that conversation.
~~~
Jack remains quiet after my
admission, but he refuses to let go of my hand, which should be a good sign.
We’re on our way to Jack’s favorite Hesburger and it’s a good thing I’m hungry.
I doubt Jack would have accepted me declining to eat because I wasn’t hungry –
not after what I had hinted at earlier.
Jack opens the door and guides me to
the counter to place our order. “What do you want?” Jack turns and looks at me
with demanding eyes.
“I’ll get the cheeseburger menu,” I
tell him. “With diet coke.” The dark expression in Jack’s eyes grows lighter
and he seems less worried. I vow to eat everything and leave nothing. I learned
to deal with my former problems and won’t allow them to influence my current
life.
Jack decides on the mega burger menu,
and after we got our orders, he leads me to a table in front of a window. We
settle down and I unwrap my cheeseburger. In order to show him that I no longer
have problems eating, I take a giant bite out of the burger and chew.
Jack nibbles on his fries and
continues to study me: I feel like I need to say something before he starts to
make up stuff in his mind. “Jack, I used to have problems back then… I’ve had
therapy because of it and found a way to deal with it. It’s no longer an issue
as far as I’m concerned.” Jack nods, but I can tell he isn’t convinced – too
bad for him because I’m not going to discuss the matter further – not here.
“We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay?”
Jack nods again. He sighs and shrugs.
“I worry about you… I can’t help it.”
“It’s alright,” I assure him. “It
wouldn’t be right if you didn’t worry – not if you…love me…” Saying it is hard,
but necessary.
“I do love you…” Jack places his hand
on mine and keeps me from getting started on my fries. “And I’m glad you feel
comfortable discussing the matter with me…”
I’m no fool. I know that if I want my
relationship with Jack to work I need to be honest. And it’s odd… Normally I
don’t like to discuss that time in my life with people, but it’s different with
Jack. Maybe it’s because I think he’ll understand what happened back then and
how it influenced me. “Hey, I can’t eat like that,” I point out to him and
squeeze his fingers.
“Sorry,” Jack quips. “I can always
feed you, you know!”
“Thanks, but I’d rather eat myself.”
Jack lets go of my hand, although reluctantly, and I start on my fries. I don’t
doubt that Jack would love to feed me, but he can do that when we’re in
private!
TBC
Part 11
I leave Jonne in my apartment with
Ville for company. Instead of heading toward Tavastia I walk into the opposite
direction: there’s something I need to do before I start work. I didn’t lie to
Jonne – I *do* need to start working at nine, but my hours are flexible. I’ll
make things up to my boss tomorrow.
I didn’t tell Jonne about my upcoming
visit for a reason; I don’t want him to worry, but I need to talk to Christus –
and urgently. Some of the things Jonne told me – or hinted at -- trouble me. When we talked about him being so
fucking skinny during Anorectic, he had hinted about an eating disorder and I
need to know the truth.
I need to ask Christus a lot of
questions concerning Jonne and he had better answer them. I can be pushy if I
want to, and sometimes, I need to push Christus a lot in order for him to open
up to me. It’s a good thing that he lives rather nearby – another detail that I
haven’t shared with Jonne yet – and I press his doorbell, impatiently shifting
from one foot to the other. “Come on, answer it, man!”
The doorknob turns and the door opens.
Christus appears, looking sleepy, but his expression is focused. Good, because
I need to get some straight answers and I’m not in the mood to sober him up
first. “We need to talk…”
Christus frowns and is obviously
surprised, but then he steps aside. “Come inside… It’s cold out there.”
I step into the hallway, Christus
closes the door behind me and gestures for me to get moving. “Do you want
coffee? There’s some left.” I follow him into the kitchen and sit down at the
table.
“Is Anna at home?” I hope not,
because the things I need to address are private and she doesn’t need to hear
them.
“She’s visiting her mother,” Christus
replies as he pours the coffee into a mug. He puts it in front of me and gets
the milk from the fridge.
I add the milk and stir in order to
busy my hands. My thoughts race into a
million different directions and I don’t know where to start.
“You said we needed to talk,”
Christus says as he sits down next to me. “What about?”
I study him and realize he’s sober.
He’s most of these days, but sometimes, he still gets drunk – usually when his
girlfriend isn’t around. Those moments are growing less though; I believe he
really made his home here and is ready to settle down. “We need to talk about
Jonne.”
“Jonne?” Christus’ eyebrows inch
higher. “Why about him?”
“Because he’s staying with me…” Do I
need to spell it out to him? Christus knows that I’ve been in love with Jonne
for years. Christus lights a cigarette, inhales and blows the smoke into my
direction. He knows how fucking much I hate it when he does that.
“You told him,” Christus whispers. “I
need beer if we’re going to have this conversation.”
“You know where to find some.” I’m
not getting it for him! Instead, I sip from my coffee. Christus eventually gets
up, retrieves his beer and settles down again. I know Christus very well and
can tell he’s nervous. He might act tough, but he’s not looking forward to
discussing Jonne. “And yes, I told him… Actually, we told each other…”
Christus gives me a stunned look.
“What does that mean?”
“He likes me too, Christus…
Apparently he’s been interested in me for some time… Don’t ask me for how long
– we haven’t discussed that yet.”
Christus shrugs and takes a swig from
his beer. “It’s a good thing that you finally told him – it was eating you
alive.”
“You know why I never made a move!” I
admonish him. “You’re a good friend and you were Jonne’s lover. I would never
have gotten between the two of you.”
“I know that,” Christus says slowly.
He draws in a deep breath and stares at the tip of his burning cigarette. “So,
get it out – what do you want to talk about?”
“About the time when the two of you
were lovers – let’s start with that.” Christus visibly flinches, but I don’t
feel sorry for him. Showing pity for Christus never worked in the past. The
only thing that ever worked was kicking him in the ass – and hard at that.
“What was your relationship like? Jonne mentioned it fucked him up…”
Christus smokes his cigarette for a
few more seconds and then puts it out and into the ashtray. “I’m not proud of
the way I acted back then. I mistreated Jonne and I’m not surprised that it
fucked with his head.”
I draw in a deep breath and count to
ten. I know how to handle Christus – I know how to get the information I’m
after, but it will take time and coaxing on my part. “In what way did you fuck
with his head?”
“I wasn’t sane back then… I was high
on drugs and Jonne was an easy fuck. He was in love with me, Japa, and when
Jonne’s in love, he will do anything for you. He’ll love you unconditionally…
he’s like that… He can’t stand it if you give him the cold shoulder, so that’s
what I did when he annoyed me. He would try to make things right again and I’d
manipulate him some more. It took me some time to realize that I abused his
love and trust back then…”
I can tell that discussing this isn’t
easy on Christus and I respect him even more for confronting his past. “I’m
sorry, but I need details.”
Christus reaches for another
cigarette, which he lights. “He annoyed me most of the time… he kept talking to
me about cleaning up my act. He wanted me to quit the drugs and sober up. I
wasn’t interested in that… Jonne… Jonne was desperate to get my attention and
to change my mind. In the end, I realized how I could use his worries about me
to my advantage…” A sad expression settles on Christus’ face. “I used him for
money…to get my daily fix and free alcohol… I used him for sex… I’d fuck him
and think of the groupies outside of the bus, who I’d fuck later…”
I swallow hard—trying to swallow down
the anger I feel toward Christus. “You’re my friend, but…”
“You don’t need to say it,” Christus
says. “As I said, I feel bad myself for the way I treated him back then… Part
of it was the drugs… Part of it was Jonne, making it so damn easy for me to use
him in that way. He was head over heels in love with me, Jack.”
It’s an ugly picture Christus is
painting, but I’m grateful he’s confronting his demons and telling me about it.
“So how did it end?” I have other questions as well, but I’m really curious
about this one. Christus never told me how they split up.
Christus shrugs. “It was Tommi… Jonne
had given me another way out – I had to clean up my act – again – and he would
let me remain part of the band. He would stay with me, look after me and make
sure I was fine. Tommi however didn’t agree with his brother. He kicked me out
of the band and told me to stay away from Jonne. He would get a restraining
order if I came close to Jonne again.”
Hearing this surprises me. The rumors
which had been going on after Christus had left Negative, stated that it had
been Jonne to kick him out.
“Jonne tried to change Tommi’s mind,
and back then, I encouraged him to do so. Tommi remained firm though and cut me
loose. Jonne was quite upset…”
Christus’ eyes swim with unshed tears
and seeing it makes me reach out to him. I place my hand over his and squeeze
reassuringly. The touch draws Christus back to the present and he quickly
blinks away his tears. He has cried a lot since he cleaned up his act, but I
know wants to move on too, and I’m sorry that I have to open this wound again.
“It was the best thing that could have happened –for Jonne that is.” Christus
won’t think I’m taking sides – I have supported him as long as we’ve known each
other.
“You’re right… I didn’t think of it
like that back then, but you’re right. I had come close to destroying him and
if we had continued that way I’m not sure we would have made it out alive.”
I squeeze Christus’ hand again. “I’m
proud of you, you know that. You’ve come a long way and made a lot of good
choices since then.” Christus *has* changed – and a great deal at that. He
still drinks, but moderately and increasingly less. He doesn’t do other drugs
anymore and he’s being honest to himself these days. He admits he made
mistakes, tries to make amends, and of that’s not possible, to move on. “I need
to ask you one more thing though.” Christus nods and by doing so, his blond
hair slips into his face. He strokes it back and looks at me with sad, but
lucid eyes.
“What else do you need to know?”
“Jonne hinted at something earlier
today… Does he have an eating disorder? Or did he have one? He said he had
called the album Anorectic for a reason.” Christus’ expression grows even
sadder and I’m not sure I want to find out anymore.
“Jonne desperately tried to find a
way to take back control. I had made him lose it… He was busy cleaning up after
me…taking care of me… letting me ruin his life that he lost of track of
himself. I didn’t notice it at the time – I didn’t eat much myself. I was a
drug addict and didn’t need much food… Jonne however never touched anything
harder than alcohol. I offered to shot him up more than once, or share my
heroine with him, but he always said no…”
I don’t feel that well at the moment.
I always knew that Christus had used Jonne in the past, but I had never known
to what extent.
“Jonne stopped eating… Not
completely, but he hardly ate a thing… I talked to Larry and Snack about it
some weeks ago and they had seen it happen. They had witnessed Jonne starting
to fade away, and they had tried to talk to him about it, but he had denied his
problems…”
I feel at a loss and don’t know what
to say. When Jonne had mentioned being fucked up, I hadn’t thought he had lived
through such an ordeal. “Christus, I’m sorry, but I’m grateful Tommi kicked you
out…”
Christus chuckles, but in a sad way.
“It was a good thing that Jonne had his older brother watching over him… But
Tommi should have gotten involved at an earlier stage – when he did kick me
out, it was much too late.”
“Maybe…” But I’m not here to judge
Tommi. “Jonne wants to give us a chance… He wants things to work out between
us… That’s why I’m asking you these things. I need to know what I’m up
against.”
Christus nods. “Japa… I was a fool
back – the biggest fool alive to treat Jonne like that, but it was the drugs… I
don’t want to put the blame on them, but I would never have treated Jonne like
that had I been sober.”
“Do you still have feelings for
Jonne?” I hope not, especially since Christus is in a new relationship now.
Christus reaches for his beer and
empties it. He stares at the empty bottle and pushes it away in dismay.
“Jonne’s special, Jack. You’ll find out about that in time… Jonne’s the best
friend and lover you could wish for… Maybe that’s why I wanted to corrupt him –
defile him and bring him down to my level… Maybe I thought he was too good for
me…”
“Chris…” My voice carries a warning
Christus has heard before and will recognize. “Focus… Do you still have
feelings for him?”
“Jonne will always be in my heart,”
he says eventually. “I’ll always regret using him and throwing away his love
like that…” Suddenly, his gaze locks with mine and he grabs both my hands.
“Japa, if you have a chance to make him happy, please do. Jonne deserves that.”
I guess that answers my question – in
a way. “You’ll leave him alone then?”
“I won’t approach him… We might run
into each other if he’s staying in Helsinki, but I won’t make a pass at him. I
don’t want to drag him down again… I’m happy with Anna and savor my peace of
mind.”
I study him for a long moment and
guess he’s sincere. “Jonne’s not over
you yet – maybe he’ll never get over you completely – and he’s dragging
an army of ghosts with him – which you created. I’ll do my best to put them to rest,
but I can only do so if you remain out of the picture.”
“I’ll stay away,” Christus vows. “It
might be hard to believe, after the things I told you, but I want him to be
happy. I wish I could undo the hurt I inflicted on him, but I can’t. Maybe you
can heal his pain, Japa… Maybe you can close those wounds… I hope you can… I’m
sure the two of you will work out… You’re my best friend and I could always
count on you. You pulled me through on more than one occasion. You stuck around
when my so called friends dumped me… And Jonne… Jonne’s like you in that way –
incredibly loyal and loving… I envy you, Japa… Please use the chance you’re
getting… Don’t throw it away like I did.”
Our talk turned out more emotional
than I had thought possible and I’m struggling with my feelings as well. “I’ll
do my best…” I promise. Christus leans back in his chair and closes his eyes.
“Thanks for being okay with this…” I wasn’t sure how Christus would react to me
dating Jonne.
“I would be incredibly selfish if I
grudged you having his love…” Christus opens his eyes, which are still filled
with tears. “Treat him well, Japa… But I know you will… You won’t abuse his
trust like I did… I wish you the best – the both of you…”
“I had better go now…” If we continue
like this, we will both end up crying. “I’ll call you soon…” It’s important
that we continue seeing each other. I don’t want Christus to get the idea that
I’ll dump him because I’m dating Jonne now. “We’re good…” I rise from my chair
and smile at him.
Christus gets to his feet as well,
walks up to me and buries me in a hug, which I return. “I’m glad you told him
about your feelings, Japa… Jonne won’t let you down…”
“And I won’t let him down…” I press a
kiss onto Christus’ cheek and hug him tight. “I’ll keep in touch,” I promise as
I step away from him.
“I know you will… Bye, Japa…”
Christus raises an arm and waves at me as I leave the kitchen. On my way out, I
run into Anna in the hallway. She’s all smiles and carries children books in
her arms. I really think she’s the right person for Christus to be with – she
has managed to get him back into touch with
his inner child which is good for Christus… “Hello, Anna, and bye again!
I’m about to leave!” She gives me a puzzled look, but then smiles and waves
back at me.
“Bye, Japa!”
I close the door behind me and rest
my back against it for a long minute. I need a moment to digest the things
Christus told me just now. It’s a good thing I need to work, for I were to face
Jonne right now, my feelings would show and I don’t want that – I don’t want to
upset Jonne – especially after learning how Christus played with his feelings.
~~~
I get home at four thirty in the
morning. The lights are out in my apartment and I would have been surprised to
find Jonne awake. I quickly shower, slip into clean boxers and an oversized shirt
and make my way into my bedroom. The light on the nightstand is still on and a
book lies next to it. Jonne must have fallen asleep while reading it and
waiting for me.
I sit down on the side of the bed and
allow myself a moment to look at Jonne – really look at him. He looks
remarkably innocent asleep like that – hugging a pillow and curled up on his
side. I raise my arm and let my fingers slide into his hair. I don’t want to
wake him, but I do need to touch him – especially after my talk with Christus.
Jonne doesn’t wake up, but he presses deeper into the mattress.
That moment, I vow to love him,
respect him, and never manipulate him. I never fully realized how much his
relationship with Christus scarred Jonne, but I do now. I raise the comforter
and slip into bed. I lie down on my side and rest my hand on Jonne’s hip. I
can’t stop staring at him, no matter how tired I am. “Sleep tight, Cinderella,”
I whisper, making sure he won’t wake because of it. “I love you, Jonne…” I
stroke his hair, and while doing so, I fall asleep too.
~~~
I wake up with Jonne in my arms. A
quick look at the alarm clock tells me that it’s eleven in the morning and I’m
surprised that Jonne’s still asleep. Well, who knows, maybe he needed to catch
up on some sleep. As I feel rather rested, I gladly settle for watching Jonne
sleep and I can easily understand Christus when he said that Jonne’s the best
thing that ever happened to him. Christus threw it all away, but I won’t.
“You’re awake already…”
Jonne’s eyes opened and he’s looking
at me. His sudden alertness makes me wonder if he merely pretended being asleep
so he could stay in bed. Or maybe he simply didn’t want to wake me up. No
matter what the reason might be, I’m happy he’s still in my arms.
“I slept well… Maybe that’s why I’m
awake already…” Jonne feels incredibly right in my arms and I could get used to
this feeling. “Did Ville show up last night?” He hadn’t been there when I left
the apartment.
“He did… At nine, apparently he had a
hard time saying goodbye to Pasi.”
I chuckle and trace Jonne’s jaw line
with my fingertips. “He didn’t stick around then?” The couch was empty when I
got home.
“He took the bus home… Maybe he has a
hard time being away from Pasi.”
I’ll have a hard time too when Jonne
leaves, but I refuse to think about that yet. “Waking up like this is nice…”
We’re both on our sides, facing each other, and Jonne now wraps an arm around
me in turn. It’s nice to see him complete the embrace in that way. I want to
make love to him right now, but it would be the biggest mistake I could make –
it would drive Jonne away. I need to go slow.
I inch closer, slide my fingers into
his hair and massage his scalp. The expression in Jonne’s eyes change and so
his breathing, which grows deeper and faster. I smile at him and kiss him on
the lips. I want to make him feel good and have no hidden agenda. I have to
make him understand that I’m not like Christus and that will take time.
Jonne parts his teeth only
hesitantly, but he does, and my tongue ventures inside equally slowly. I
challenge him and engage his tongue in a sensual dance, which makes Jonne moan. At the same time, I stroke his
hair and pull him close against me. He’s hard as his erection presses against
me, and I’m not much better off. I need to restrain myself though.
“Morning, Cinderella,” I quip,
knowing it will make him react – and it does.
“Stop calling me that…”
I’m not sure how to interpret Jonne’s
expression – it’s s strange mix of joy and insecurity. “How about we stay in
bed, make it into a lazy Sunday and kiss all day?” I doubt Jonne will agree to
my suggestion, but I can try, can’t I? The expression definitely changes to
uncertainty now.
“I don’t think we should,” Jonne
mutters slowly.
“I was afraid you’d say that…” I
don’t stop touching him though. I continue to caress his hair and shower his
lips with a series of light kisses. “Maybe another time?” Jonne nods and I can
tell he isn’t sure he’s making the right decision. I hope it’s not because he’s
afraid of pissing me off.
“We could have breakfast and cuddle
on the couch?” Jonne suggests in a wavering way.
“I like that… Cuddling on the couch…”
I reply teasingly. And while we’re cuddling, we will discuss certain matters.
~~~
“Aren’t you hungry?” I don’t want to
address Jonne’s former anorexia yet, but I do get worried at seeing him merely
sipping coffee and not eating a thing.
“I’m nervous,” Jonne admits. “I’m not
sure I can eat… I’ll have a sandwich later.”
He’s nervous? “What about?”
“Waking up in your arms like that
felt nice, but also odd…” Jonne lowers his gaze and shrugs. “It’s been years
since that happened last and you’re… You’re so calm and…loving…”
Contrary to Christus of course. But
I’m not going to say that aloud. “I’m like that most of the time… When I’m not,
I am asleep.” My comment makes him laugh, just as I had hoped it would. “You’ll
get used to it…”
Jonne nods and reaches for a slice of
toast. He breaks off a small peace and nibbles on it. “Ville and I talked last
night.”
I don’t question him and merely wait
for him to continue while sipping from my coffee.
“He said I should talk to you about
certain matters… Like my eating disorder and…other stuff that happened in the
past – related to Christus, I mean.”
“We can do that… We will do that, but
after breakfast… I need another round of coffee or I might fall asleep on you.”
That isn’t true, but I notice the pressure Jonne’s putting himself under and I
want to do away with it. Jonne actually seems relieved and offers me a smile.
“After breakfast sounds good…” He reaches
for his orange juice and sips from it. “How did things go at Tavastia?”
“Quite well… It was a quiet evening –
expect for the drunks of course!” I study Jonne and can tell he’s calming down.
He probably expected me to question him about his eating disorder and the other
things he hinted at. No, we’re doing this my way and we’ll take our time.
I reach across the table, take hold
of his hand and press a kiss onto the back. Jonne stares at me in surprise, but
then his face lights up and he gives me the warmest smile I’ve ever seen. I
wish I could be angry with Christus for mistreating Jonne like that in the
past, but that’s hard, knowing Christus wasn’t acting himself. It’s no excuse
of course, but I understand what was going on.
I move my chair closer to Jonne, rest
my right hand on his shoulder, and smile at him. “I love you,” I tell him as I
have the feeling that he needs to hear it a lot and lean in closer to kiss him.
This time, he doesn’t waver and kisses me back right away.
TBC
Part 12
After searching my music selection, I
put on a CD which features rock ballads from the eighties. I turn down the
volume until it provides a soothing background music and settle down on the
couch next to Jonne. After breakfast, he took a long shower and didn’t return
for an hour. I reckon he needed that time to collect himself – he still appears
nervous though.
I sit cross-legged and face Jonne
side-ways. He’s staring straight ahead and his expression tells me he’s
brooding. “A penny for your thoughts,” I say, trying to pull him from his
thoughts.
Jonne sighs and looks at me. He pulls
his knees close to his chest and rests his head against the comfort of the
couch so he can make eye-contact. I dislike seeing the worry in his eyes. “We
don’t need to discuss anything right now – not if you’re stressing about it.”
“We should though…” Jonne whispers
and seems to compose himself. “What do you want to talk about first? Christus
or…?”
“About you hinting at having had
anorexia,” I say calmly. “That’s the main thing that worries me. You said you
had named the album Anorectic for a reason.” I do have some inside information
thanks to Christus, but I want Jonne to tell me about it. A vacant expression
clouds Jonne’s eyes and seeing it makes me cringe. It tells me that talking
about it is still very hard on Jonne.
“Back then, I felt I had lost control
over my life… Christus did as he pleased. I had to find ways so he would enter
the stage to play the next gig… He didn’t want to perform anymore… He wanted
his drugs and that was about it… And then there was the pressure the record
company was putting on me… I had to deliver a good album and the touring never
seemed to end. I had lost control and didn’t know how to get it back…”
Jonne’s words seem to confirm
Christus’ explanation. Jonne looks awfully lost and he’s rocking slowly –
hardly noticeable, but I’ve seen Christus doing it too. I move closer to Jonne
and wrap an arm around him. For one second he seems wanting to object to the
move, but the protest dies unvoiced on his lips. I guide his head against my
shoulder and pull him closely against me. “Go on,” I whisper into his ear. It’s
important we get this into the open.
“In the end, I realized that the only
thing I still had control over was the amount of food I ate. It was up to me if
I ate something and to decide how much. It quickly spun out of control. I still
drank alcohol back then – vodka mostly, because it could pass for water… But my
body decided it couldn’t cope with the stress anymore and it shut down…
Fortunately it happened at home… We had finished touring and had a few days off
at home… Ville found me… I had passed out in the bathroom. He called Tommi and
they took charge… When I woke up, I was in my bed, but Tommi and Ville were
sitting next to it and they told me I would see a doctor first thing in the
morning and that they were going to set up counseling…”
I stroke Jonne’s hair and listen
closely without interrupting him. He needs to do this in his own time – his
way.
“I didn’t want to talk about it at
first… But we had finished recording the record and I was stuck at home… Tommi
gave me a hard time especially… He wanted to know what had caused my breakdown…
I didn’t tell him everything… But he found out later, when it became obvious
that I couldn’t deal with Christus’ drug use anymore…”
“Tommi fired Christus – he told him
to leave the band…”
Jonne turns his head and looks at me
through a sea of memories reflected by his eyes. “Yeah… Tommi kicked him out… I
didn’t know about it at the time… My first reaction was to lash out at Tommi
when I did find out, but I was still battling anorexia and I lacked the
strength… In the end, Tommi decided that I needed to take a break from touring…
He ordered me to stay at home, see my therapist, and he made sure I had no contact
with Christus…”
“Which worked wonders for you… Let me
guess, it didn’t take you long to straighten out your act? Once Christus was
out of your life, you got better.” Jonne gives me the strangest look ever, but
then he nods. “It’s no mystery, Jonne. Christus was the main reason why you
acted like that. Once he was gone, you could rebuild a normal life.”
“You’re right.” Jonne blinks,
obviously feeling relieved. “Tommi enlisted the help of some friends… Jussi,
Teemu, and Janne would watch my every move. I wasn’t allowed to leave the
apartment on my own… We ran into
Christus once by accident – and he was clearly high on drugs… I remember Teemu
forcefully pull me away because I had started to run towards Christus. I wanted
to be close to him… Christus was like a drug… but I doubt you’d understand
that.” Jonne closes his eyes, rests his head back against the comfort of the
couch, and breathes deeply.
I feel for him – I really do and I
wish he would get over Christus for once and for all.
“Almost a year after Christus and I
split up, he appeared on my doorstep and said he wanted to talk. Jussi was staying
with me at that time and wanted to tell Christus off, but seeing he was sober I
asked Christus to step inside. Jussi was angry about that, but allowed it.
Christus and I talked… We talked for some hours, I think… And Jussi made sure
we behaved… When Christus left, we had made peace – after a fashion.”
“Did you deal with your eating
disorder? Or is still a problem?” I need to know where we stand.
“I dealt with it… I never wanted to
be like that… I didn’t stop eating because I wanted to look like a skeleton – I
don’t think it’s attractive either… I stopped eating because I couldn’t make
Christus stop taking drugs.”
“You lost yourself in him… And
Christus messed with your head to get his way with you… As much as I love him
as a friend, I’m mad with him for the way he treated you.” And he knows it!
Jonne looks at me and the expression in his eyes makes me feel extremely
protective of him.
“Christus didn’t do it on purpose. It
was the drugs…”
“Don’t make excuses for him, Jonne.
Christus made his choices and he has to live with them. You might not like
hearing it, but he used you…”
Jonne closes his eyes, moves closer
toward me, and rest his hands in his lap. “Is there anything else you want to
discuss?”
I reckon he wants this over with so
he’ll never have to discuss the matter again. I’m not sure it works that way
though, but I do know that I don’t want to question him anymore… I don’t want
him to feel forced to bare his soul to me. Maybe we can do this in a different
way and still achieve the same result.
“I want you to listen to me… Can you
do that?” Jonne’s eyes open, he raises his head, and looks me before he nods. “Good,
because I want you to understand what I’m about to say and not merely hear it.”
Jonne’s eyes widen and I smile in order to reassure him.
“It’s nothing to worry about… I just
want to tell you something… I want you to know that I love you and that my main
objective is to make you happy from this moment on. I’ll support you… I’ll
listen to you when you need to talk, but I will also kick your ass when I think
it’s necessary. I want to be your partner in every possible way and I hope
you’ll tell me when you’re troubled. If you share your problems with me, I’ll
try my best to help and I’ll never turn my back on you – neither will I ignore
you or give you the cold shoulder.” Jonne’s eyes grow clouded and I can tell
he’s fighting back tears. Too bad for him because I’m not done yet.
“I want to be your lover as well,
Jonne. I want to know you in that way.” This is harder to explain than the
rest. “I love and respect you… I’ll never hurt or harm you… I’m not after
personal pleasure – that’s not me… When I’m in a relationship, I want my
partner to feel good and to be happy…” I hope everything came across as intended…
Jonne sits up straighter and moistens his lips. He appears taken aback and
seems to struggle for words. It takes him several minutes to finally voice a
reply. It will be interesting to hear what he has to say about it.
“I want that,” Jonne says eventually.
“I want that – I really do. I’ve wanted it all my life…”
Jonne’s answer pleases me. He isn’t
making up excuses, not drowning in guilt, or running away. He’s accepting what
I’m offering – and I like that. “If you want it, come and get it,” I challenge
him and lick my lips.
Jonne inches closer, crawls onto my
lap, and wraps his arms around my neck. I like seeing the changed expression in
his eyes. He looks eager, passionate, and even curious. “Come and get it,” I
repeat and wink at him. Jonne chuckles softly and presses his body against me.
Our lips lock in a sweet kiss and I enfold him in a hug of my own. Yeah, this
is how I envisioned courting Jonne would be like. Jonne wants to pull away and
end our kiss, but I won’t let him. I suck at his bottom lip and nibble on the
soft flesh while giving him an inviting look. Suddenly a sad expression appears
in Jonne’s eyes and I wonder what spoiled his mood.
“Why couldn’t I have met you years ago?
Why did I fall in love with Christus instead of you?”
“Don’t say that…” I stroke his face
and keep our gazes locked. “Christus and you had some good times too, before
things went bad. Don’t do this to yourself, Jonne. You have me now… We have the
future ahead of us… Don’t look at the past – focus on today.” Jonne nods, but I
can tell he’s still sad.
“I will try, but can’t make any
promises.”
That’s good enough for me – at least
right now. “Do you remember that conversation we had the evening when Ville
needed to talk to you about Pasi?” Jonne nods and I continue, “Ville said that
you were the only available Liimatainen on the market… Does this mean you’re
off the market now and that I can call you my own?” I’m not prepared to see
tears flow from Jonne’s eyes and quickly raise a hand to catch the droplets.
“Don’t cry… What did I do wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong… You
did everything right… It’s me… I…can get overly emotional at times and this is
one of them… You have no idea how long I’ve waited for the right person to
speak those words to me.”
I smile feeling relieved and crush
him against me. I *do* understand where Jonne’s coming from and why’s reacting
like this. “Well, I don’t look like Prince Charming, but maybe a pirate will do
too?” As I had hoped, my question lightens Jonne’s mood and he smiles back at
me.
“I guess a Captain will do…”
“Okay then… but don’t let Sammy hear
about it…” I kiss him again and relish holding him in my arms.
~~~
“What are your plans for tonight? Are
you staying here or do you want to come along to Tavastia? I need to warn you
though… I can’t keep you company all the time as I will be busy.” I don’t like
either option: if Jonne stays here by himself he might start to brood and if I
let him tag along he might run into Christus who sometimes drops by to have a
drink when I’m working. Too bad Ville already left for Tampere!
“I’ll stay here…” Jonne says and
looks at me. He’s seated on the floor, cross-legged, and balancing my favorite
guitar on his knee. He has been working on one of my songs while I was getting
ready in the bathroom. “Maybe I can put some finishing touches to this song.”
I’m fine with that as long as he
doesn’t start thinking about Christus again. “Okay, you do that… I’ll be back
at four… Warm up the bed for me, will you?” I lower myself onto my heels, curl
my arms around Jonne, and kiss him. He kisses me back and eyes me hungrily.
Jonne might want to go slow, but that’s only because he got hurt so badly in
the past, otherwise we would be making love right now. “You can always call me…
I might not answer right away, but I’ll call you back.”
“I can manage…”
I rise from the floor and feel guilty
for leaving Jonne behind, but I need to make a living! “I’ll be back before you
know I’m gone,” I offer.
“I doubt it… But you need to get
going or you’ll be late!”
I grin at Jonne, head for the
doorway, and wave at him before stepping into the hallway. I’m already looking
forward to getting back home again.
~~~
“Can you get me a beer, Japa?”
I’m not surprised to hear Christus’
voice – I kind of expected it. It’s also the reason why I felt relieved when
Jonne opted to stay at my place. I look at Christus and search his eyes. He’s
sober, but I’m not sure he will remain that way. Without telling him, I put a
non-alcohol beer in front of him – Christus never bothers to check the labels,
so I always get away with it. “What are you doing here?”
“Anna went to bed early and I was
bored… So I decided to see if you’re working tonight.”
Christus looks tired, but not wasted.
His job on the construction site keeps him from misbehaving. He needs to get up
early and can’t afford to lose the job – it’s one of the conditions Anna put to
him when they moved in together – smart woman. At the moment, there isn’t much
left of the glam rocker he used to be. He looks normal – well, almost normal.
His dress style is still crazy. “And that’s the only reason you’re here?”
“Not really…” Christus sips from the
bottle and gives me a dirty look. “I *do* notice, you know.”
“Well, that’s a first…” I chuckle and
ignore the comment. “So you’re here because of…?”
“Jonne, of course… Did you talk to
him? About the things I told you?”
He sounds worried and that does him
credit. Christus *has* changed since he kicked his drug habit. “We talked… I
think we reached an understanding…”
“And what does that mean?” Christus
looks utterly confused.
I must admit I’m to blame for that as
I do love to confuse him when I think he deserves it. “He’s going to work on
letting me love him. Which is a huge step for him…”
“I’m happy about that…” Christus
says. I can tell he’s honest – it’s in his eyes. “After what I did to him I
worried that he might not be able to let anyone in again.”
“We’ll manage… As long as you don’t
meddle.”
“I won’t! I promise…” Christus sips
again. “Is he moving in with you? Or are you moving to Tampere?”
I know why he’s asking that – he
wants to know if I’ll ‘desert’ him because that’s the way he will see it. “It’s
way too early to talk about that… We’ll see what happens in the future. We’re
still getting to know each other.”
“Good…. Good…” Christus mumbles with
a distant look on his face. “I’d hate to lose you too.”
“You’ll never lose me, you idiot!” I
tap his forehead and Christus shows me the middle finger in turn. “Hey, behave,
or I will have you thrown out!” Christus chuckles as he knows damn well that I’d
never do that.
Christus however quickly grows
serious again. “I wish I could make amends… I tried to make things up to Jonne
when we talked, but we were still too emotional to move past everything that
happened.”
I know that Christus feels guilty
about what happened back then, but it’s not easy, making amends. “How would you
do that? You told him you were sorry and he accepted your apology.” After that,
Jonne and Christus had parted ways and they’ve been out of touch for a year
now.
“I don’t know,” Christus admits.
“Maybe I have to wait until an opportunity presents itself.”
“That’s a good idea… Now finish your
beer and go home to Anna… She’ll wonder where you are and you’ll get the third
degree.”
“You’re right…” Christus puts the now
empty beer bottle on the counter and reaches for me. He manages to get hold of
my shoulder and pulls me into a hug. “Don’t ever leave me, Japa…”
“Go home… Go home, take Anna into
your arms, and get some sleep!”
“I’ll do just that…”
Christus releases me again and steps
away from the counter. “I’ll call you!”
I know he will – probably tomorrow at
the latest. I do feel sorry for him, but I have no idea either how he can make
amends to Jonne.
~~~
“Hey, why are you still awake?” Much
to my surprise I find Jonne awake in bed. The light’s still on, but he isn’t
reading. I quickly slip into place next to him and Jonne wraps his arms around
me. He’s eerily quiet and that worries me. “Did something bad happen?”
“No…” he says after a moment’s
thought. “I missed you though…”
“Maybe I should take you along to
Tavastia so I can keep an eye on you!”
“I sort of finished that song… I’ll
play it for you tomorrow… I might also have some lyrics to go with it, if you
like them, that is…”
“Jonne, spit it out, what’s on your
mind?” I don’t want him to hide things from me. Jonne needs to know that he can
talk to me about everything.
“I fell asleep earlier… And I had
this dream… An erotic dream about you… I came in my sleep just because of that
dream…”
I need to tread carefully now; I
don’t want to make a mistake. “Did we make love?”
Jonne nods. “You made love to me… You
were amazing…” A dream expression appears in his eyes. “You touched me… You
made me come…”
God knows I’m tempted to make that
dream come true and to make love to him right now, but I mustn’t. “I did a good
job then.”
“Yeah, you did.” The dreamy
expression leaves his eyes, but instead, a smile settles on his face. “I hope
our first time together will be like that.”
I have lots of experience in bed and
can make his first time memorable for sure, but this isn’t about performance.
This is about making Jonne feel loved. “Do you want to be on top when it
happens?” Jonne frowns and I wonder why.
“No, I want you to be on top…”
I can’t believe I’m going to ask
this, but it looks like it. “Jonne, with Christus… You did go on top sometimes,
didn’t you?” Jonne actually blushes and I feel shy for actually asking him.
“Not often… He didn’t like that…”
I guess that answers my question. He
wants me to be on top because he doesn’t have much experience in that
department. It’s no problem though; I’ll make sure he gets some. “But things
are different now…” Jonne nods, but I wonder if that really registered with
him. It’s time to change our subject. “I don’t need to work tomorrow… So what
do you want to do?” Jonne actually yawns and gives me an apologetic look.
“Sorry, I’m tired… Can I decide
tomorrow?”
“Of course you can…” I tuck the
comforter about our forms and get more comfortable. Sleeping alone will be odd
once Jonne heads home, and I don’t want to think about that yet.
“Night, Japa…” Jonne’s eyes are
already closing and he’s drifting off into sleep.
“Sleep tight, Cinderella…” In order
to make up for calling him that, I kiss him on the lips and the frown that had
started to form on his brow goes away again. “Night, Jonne.”
~~~
Jonne’s breath caresses my skin each
time he exhales. It actually woke me, but that’s okay, as it’s already eleven in
the morning. Time to get up and start the day!
Hum, getting the day started… That’s
giving me ideas. There are lots of pleasant ways to start the day. During the
night, the comforter ended up at the foot end and now that the fabric is out of
the way, I can definitely tell that Jonne’s hard. So am I, but let’s forget
about that for the moment.
I’m terribly tempted to touch Jonne –
to bring him to orgasm, but it doesn’t seem right as long as he’s asleep. While
I ponder my problem, Jonne opens his eyes – partly, but he’s starting to wake
up. “Morning…” I whisper and taste his lips. It’s been too long since I
possessed them.
“Morning…”
Jonne feels hot in my arms, his skin
incredibly soft, and it calls to me. I need to touch him… I want to give him
pleasure and hear him scream my name. “You tempt me…” Jonne arches an eyebrow
at my remark and then frowns. “I want to touch you,” I explain as I don’t want
him to wonder what’s going on. “I want you to come… May I?” I kiss along his
neck until I end up sucking the sensitive skin of his throat. “Please?”
Jonne twitches in my arm, and for one
moment I wonder if I made him come already, but no, he’s still hard. I put my
right hand on his erection and rub him through his boxers. “I would really love
to make you come…” I want to know how he looks when he climaxes. I want to see
the expression in his eyes.
“Jack…” Jonne sounds oddly raw and I
can tell he isn’t sure about what to do.
“Can I take that as a yes?” Maybe I
need to make things a bit easier for him. I squeeze his hard flesh and Jonne
thrusts up in response. “That’s definitely a yes.” I don’t proceed though as I
want his permission first. In the end, Jonne nods, but his uncertainty remains.
I’m not going to make a big deal of this – I don’t want to get this out of
proportion as it’s a normal wakeup call as far as I’m concerned. I only want to
test my theory that I’ll come by watching him come.
I push beneath the waistband of his
boxers and slide them down. I have to stop myself from drooling now that the object
of my desire is revealed. Jonne *is* hard and I doubt he’ll last long. I curl
my fingers around his cock and set a slow rhythm in the hope of drawing out the
experience for him. “I want to see you come, Jonne… I want you to let go and
come… I want you to find release… I want you to come and by doing so, you will
make me come… Make me come, Jonne.”
I’ve been told that I have a sexy
voice and talented hands and they don’t fail me this time around. Jonne
climaxes a few seconds later, as I had thought, and takes me over the edge with
him. Fuck, he looks sexy when he climaxes… Passion clouds his eyes and his lips
are slightly apart – lips that are perfect for kissing… so I claim his lips
again and deepen our kiss. When I pull away from him, Jonne stares at me in
surprise, but then he smiles and warmth spreads from his eyes. “I told you that
you would make me come…”
“Yeah, you did…”
Jonne continues to stare at me and
seems to lack the words to express his feelings. That’s fine though as they’re
reflected in his eyes. Jonne’s happy – maybe even more than that – he feels
loved!
TBC
Part 13
“How did you do? Do you think you
passed your test?”
Before answering Arttu, I study him
in order to make sure he isn’t tiring himself. Yesterday, he woke up and announced
he felt better. He made me move him to the couch and he’s been keeping an eye
on me ever since.
Arttu was asleep for most of last
week, but he seems to be on the mend at last. At least he has enough energy to
harass me now. He sulked when I had to go to university to write my test,
because then he’d be alone. I tried to wake Antti so he could entertain his
brother, but it proved impossible to wake him up.
“I think I did well… I can’t be
completely sure of course, but I have a good feeling about it.” I pull a chair
closer to the couch and sit down. “How are you doing? Do you want another pain
pill?” The bandage around Arttu’s head has gone and because of that, the
bruises are even better visible.
“I’m fine… It doesn’t hurt as long as
I don’t move about…” Arttu’s gaze creeps over to the coffee table and I get him
the glass of orange juice he’s eying. “Thanks, Eero… I can’t wait to do stuff
myself again… But let me assure you, I won’t be riding any bicycles any time
soon!”
The accident scared him and that
doesn’t surprise me as he got hurt rather badly. “You’re not leaving the
apartment for the next few weeks,” I tell him. “You still need to heal up.”
Arttu sips from his juice and then
hands it back to me. “It’s lovely quiet in here, don’t you think? That’s
because Antti’s still asleep!”
Arttu loves his brother, but Antti
can be a nuisance at times. Arttu got rather fed up with Antti watching his
every move and yesterday, he threatened to hurt Antti if his brother wouldn’t
stop watching him. That tactic worked, as Antti backed down after that.
“I’m very proud of you, Eero, for
continuing to study in spite of my little accident. You did the right thing!”
Arttu manages to acquire hold of my hand and gently squeezes it. “I hope you’ll
ace it. When will you get the results?”
“In a few days…” To be honest, I
think I passed it. I managed to answer most questions successfully. “Don’t
worry, I’ll let you know about it the moment they tell me.” I don’t want him to
get riled up about it.
“What’s going on in here?” Antti appears in the doorway,
looking tired and ruffled. His dreads point in every possible direction and he
has a hard time keeping his eyes open.
“Go back to bed, Antti… Nothing’s
going on… Arttu and I are merely talking.” My answer seems to satisfy his
curiosity and Antti turns around to return to his bedroom.
“Thankfully he left…” Arttu comments
and grins at me. “What are your plans for rest of this Monday? Do you need to
go anywhere else today?”
I know why he’s asking – Arttu wants
my company and I understand why. He’s bored out of his mind now that he feels
better, but is still confined to either the bed or the couch. “I’ll stay with
you…” Arttu smiles at hearing that and tugs at my hand. I get the hint and
exchange the chair for the side of the couch. I’m careful though not to jostle
him as I don’t want to cause him discomfort.
“Did you hear from your brothers
yet?”
At the moment, gossip is all Arttu
has and he tries to keep updated with everyone’s lives – my brothers’
especially. “Ville texted me this morning…” I check the time and give Arttu a
smile. “You might get your distraction in a few minutes… He said he would drop
by.” Arttu’s face lights up and I know I made him happy. Questioning Ville will
help him deal with being bored.
“What about Tommi?”
“He should be at home by now.” Tommi
had called me last evening and had sounded rather odd. I reckoned it had
everything to do with Juha, whom I could hear in the back. “I’ll ask him to
visit later today –I know you’re dying to dig your claws into him as well.”
Arttu smiles innocently, but I know him better than that.
“And Jonne?”
Ah yes, that’s odd. I haven’t heard
from Jonne for some days now. “As far as I know he’s still staying with Jack. I
didn’t hear anything about him getting back home, but you can ask Ville about
that.” That way, I’m off the hook. Arttu’s grinning like mad and for one moment
I actually feel sorry for Ville. He has no idea what he’s getting himself into.
~~~
Ville looks at me for help, but he’s
alone in this. I made coffee and hand Ville his mug, knowing he’ll need it as
Arttu’s merely getting started interrogating him.
“So you’re together now? Pasi and
you? Man, I never saw that one coming! Why didn’t I notice anything? You’re not
that good an actor!”
Ville rolls back his eyes. “You
didn’t know about it because I kept it a secret, Arttu. If you had known about
it, you would have told Antti, who would have told every person in Tampere!”
Arttu glares at Ville and pouts his
lips. “I wouldn’t have done that!”
The three of us however know that
it’s a lie: he would have started to spread the rumor for sure.
“What’s Pasi like? He looks a bit
boring to me.”
Ai… Arttu’s question ruffled Ville’s
feathers. Maybe I should get involved? But then again, Ville should be able to
handle Arttu alone.
“Pasi isn’t boring!” Ville says and
wags a finger at Arttu. “He’s a great guy!”
“Well, he’s a good catch,” I say,
getting involved at last. “The two of you will be very happy.”
“Much better choice than Christus,
Ville… I still don’t get it why you were interested in him!”
That’s Arttu again, stomping over
Ville’s feelings – unwillingly perhaps, but he’s still doing it and I glare at
him. Arttu catches on and his features contort briefly.
“Sorry,” Arttu offers. “That was
insensitive of me… Can I blame it on my medication?”
“Not really,” Ville says, “But I’ll
forgive you anyway!”
They have been friends for a long
time and thankfully Ville knows that Arttu means well. “You must excuse him,” I
tell Ville, “Arttu’s going mad being stuck at home. He wants out – spread
mischief and pull pranks on people.” I say so in order to get them away from
discussing Christus and I hope it will work.
“That’s actually Antti’s department,”
Arttu quips.
“Did someone say my name?” Antti
pokes his head around the corner and gives Arttu an inquisitive look – clearly
checking on his brother’s current condition.
“No, we didn’t… Now go back to
whatever you were doing!” Arttu’s all smiles though and Antti vanishes from
view again.
“And what about Jonne?” We discussed
Ville’s love life and I think it’s best to move away from the topic. “Did you
hear from him?” Jonne didn’t contact me, but maybe he contacted Ville.
Ville puts his mug onto the coffee
table and nods. “I have the feeling that the last available Liimatainen is off
the market too. When I visited Jonne in Helsinki, he seemed very much in love.
He was always scared to fall in love again, but still… I think he has fallen
for Jack. I’m happy about that… Remember that evening in Oulu when we opened up
to each other?”
“Yeah, I do… Jonne said that he
wasn’t ready to date again and that he wasn’t looking for anyone special.” I
recall that evening well.
“Maybe he’s been fooling himself…”
Ville shrugs. “He’s been interested in Jack for some time, but didn’t act on it
because of Christus. Now that Christus moved in with his new girlfriend, both
Jonne and Jack feel like they can finally admit their feelings to each other. I
wouldn’t be surprised to hear Jonne plans on staying in Helsinki for some time.”
“That’s great news… Jonne called me
the other day and wanted to know if I needed help in dealing with Antti, but I
told him I would manage…” I remember that call.
“Jonne and Jack? Did I hear
correctly?”
Fuck, it’s Antti… “Yeah, you did.”
There’s no use denying it. I hope Antti won’t run off and tell his friends
right away. Jonne should be the one to break the news to them.
“But you’re keeping quiet,” Arttu
says and points a finger at his brother. “If Jonne wants his friends to know
about it, he will them himself.”
Antti sits down on the side of the
couch and fondly looks at his younger brother. “I’m happy for Jonne – I really
am. He should never have fallen in love with Christus… Sure, he’s a good guitar
player and a great performer, but Christus sucked at relationships back then.
Hell, it was hard even maintaining a friendship with him. He always wanted
more… He was eager to take, but he seldom gave anything back,” Antti explains.
“Should we call Jonne?” I suggest.
“It’s been a while since I talked to him, so I doubt Jonne would be suspicious
about it.”
“If you’re subtle about it, it might
work,” Ville says, “Don’t ask about Jack right away.”
“I’ll give him a little update on
Arttu. Jonne always wants to know stuff like that.” I uncover my phone, dial
Jonne’s number, and realize three pairs of eyes are focused on me. “I’ll put
him on speaker,” I tell them… That way they can listen along and I don’t need
to tell them everything later.
“Uh, yes?”
I arch an eyebrow. Normally Jonne
never answers a call like that and I can tell Ville’s surprised too. “Jonne,
it’s me, Eero.”
“Ah yes… I saw your name on the
display… Hello, Eero! How are you? How’s Arttu doing? Is everything fine with
the two of you?”
Jonne sounds odd, but I can’t put my
finger on it. “We’re fine, but are you? You sound…different.”
“That’s because I’ve had two large
mugs of coffee – And Jack made them extra strong…We stayed up for most of the
night to work on his songs and…Well, we’re tired now.”
Very odd indeed. Jonne seems rather
willing to discuss Jack. “Are you still in Helsinki then?” I ask, playing
along. I swat Antti with a pillow when he starts to make obscene gestures,
which indicate he thinks Jonne might be in bed with Jack.
“Yeah, I am… I’m thinking about
staying a few more days. I don’t have any appointments this week and I love
Jack’s company.”
He loves it? I exchange a look with
Ville, who nods, apparently thinking the same thing. “Jonne? Are Jack and you…
Are you two together?” I need to play this right. If I come across the wrong
way, Jonne might turn quiet.
“I think so… We haven’t discussed it
in detail…”
Jonne suddenly stops talking and the
line seems to go dead, but then I catch them talking in the back. I listen
closely and grin. Making sure Jonne can’t hear what I’m saying I address the
others… “I just heard Jack tell Jonne that they’re together and that he
shouldn’t think anything else.” Ville grins and Antti rolls back his eyes.
“Well, Jack says I’m his boyfriend
now,” Jonne says as he returns to the phone. “I guess we’re together then.”
“I’m happy for you….”
“I’m happy for myself,” Jonne replies
and chuckles softly. “Eero, can you cope with Antti for a few more days? Or do
you want me to return to Tampere?”
At hearing that Antti gives me a
dirty look. It’s true – he changes his ways and bettered them. “Antti’s come
around, Jonne. No need to worry about that. Stay with Jack as long as you want…
We’ll talk on the phone instead… By the way, do you want to say hi to Ville?
He’s here too.”
“Ville? Are you at Arttu’s place?
That’s great, then I don’t need to call you later! How are things with you and
Pasi?”
Ville chuckles and shakes his head.
“We’re fine… We’re actually going to some art exhibit tonight. Pasi’s excited
about it so I’m giving it a shot.”
“My, you’re growing up…”
Jonne giggles like mad and we look at
each other, wondering what’s going on.
“Jack, don’t do that… What? No
fucking way! I told you that I don’t like orange…”
Ah, that answers the questions –
apparently Jack is up to no good again. I love hearing Jonne like that – full
of life and having a great time. “Don’t tell me what you’re up to, Jonne, that
would be too much information.”
“He’s only painting my toenails… I
told him not to, but he’s determined to paint them orange… Don’t tell Antti,
but Jack’s even worse when he’s bored.”
Antti obviously doesn’t like hearing
that as he glares at the phone. I ignore his sulking though. “Does it matter,
as long he’s fun?”
“You’re right…” Jonne says in a happy
voice. “Eero, I’ve got to go… He wants to paint my other toenails green.”
“You had better prevent that… Bye
Jonne, have a great time at Jack’s!” Looking at my brother’s and friends’ faces
I can tell that they feel the same way.
“Thanks, Eero and tell Arttu I love
him…Bye!”
Jonne ends the call and I put away
the phone. Antti’s still sulking and I frown at him. “What’s wrong?”
“He didn’t mention me!”
I shake my head – Antti can’t be
serious! “I’m sure he loves you too.” That seems to make Antti feel better, but
the sulking expression remains on his face. I can’t be bothered though; I’m
much too happy that Jonne finally moved on and got himself a new boyfriend.
~~~
“You’ll love this,” I tell Arttu as I
sit down on the armrest of the couch. Ville left an hour again and Arttu got
bored after that. But maybe I can turn that around.
“What?” Arttu, who’s having hot
chocolate gives me an expectant look. “How are you going to entertain me? Are
you going to strip?”
I would swat him on his head if he
wasn’t injured. “No, I’m not going to do that, but we’re getting another
visitor.” I don’t tell him who as I want him to work for it.
“Tommi!” Arttu calls out right away
and I feel cheated. I wanted to pester him with it. “It must be Tommi!”
“You’re no fun,” I tell him, but
press a kiss onto his brow anyway. “Yes, it’s Tommi. He wants to check on us –
see how we’re doing.” Tommi sounded chipper when we talked on the phone earlier
and I’m not sure I ever heard that quality to his voice before. I wonder if it
has anything to do with him spending the weekend with Juha.
Arttu gives me a thoughtful look.
“You guys actually care a lot about me… I expect that from you as you’re my
boyfriend, but I never thought Tommi would come over to check on me.”
“Hey, you’re a part of the family
now.” I press another kiss on his hair. It’s hard to find a spot which doesn’t
make Arttu cringe from discomfort. “And now we’re about to welcome Jack into
the family as well. I’m so happy for Jonne!”
The doorbell rings and I make my way
over there. Normally Antti would beat me to the door, but he knows who’s
visiting and Tommi’s not his favorite person. I open the door and smile at
Tommi. “Come inside… I’ve got coffee ready.”
“Great, because I need some…”
Looking closer, I can tell that Tommi
looks tired, but in a good way. He’s alert, his eyes glow, and he seems at
ease. “Did the trip tire you?” I’m tempted to bring up Juha, but decide to wait
a little longer.
“Not really – it’s a short flight
from Oulu to Tampere…” Tommi walks into the living room and smiles at Arttu.
“You look good… Don’t tell me you’re back to harassing Eero already?” He sits
down and studies Arttu.
“I’m getting there… It might take me
a few more days though…”
“I would have been surprised if you’d
been up and about already… Those bruises look spectacular by the way.”
“Don’t let Antti hear it,” Arttu
whispers. “He might want to take pictures of it and then they could turn up at
the wrong moments!”
I smile at hearing that – it’s true,
everything is possible with Antti. I take a mug of hot coffee over to Tommi and
then sit down on the floor in front of the couch. Arttu’s hand settles in my
hair and I enjoy the touch. It’s good to see him on the mend. “You missed
Ville… He left an hour ago,” I let Tommi know.
“That’s okay… We’re having lunch
together tomorrow… And I told him to bring Pasi along… I want a word with him.”
I chuckle as I can imagine what Tommi
will tell him. Tommi will warn Pasi and tell him what will happen should he
ever hurt Ville. “So tell me, what was your trip like? Did you have a good flight?”
Slowly, I remind myself to go slowly.
“The flight was completely
uneventful,” Tommi states and then, to Arttu’s as well as mine surprise, he
blushes.
“How was your stay with Juha?
Uneventful too?” I glare at Arttu for asking Tommi that directly. He should
know better and detour in order to get his answer.
“That was anything but uneventful,”
Tommi says softly and then coughs as if something got stuck in his throat.
Arttu suddenly moves close and
whispers into my ear, “I think your brother got laid.”
That’s typically Arttu – he has to
phrase it that way. Tommi however gives Arttu the evil eye and I realize he
must have overheard it. “Is it true?” I can’t make things worse, I guess. Tommi
already knows what’s going on in Arttu’s and my head. I doubt he’ll deny the
truth but he might shut down and refuse to discuss Juha any longer.
“I shouldn’t answer that question…
There’s something called privacy, you know.”
I stare at Tommi in wonder. “That’s a
yes, otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to hide behind your precious privacy…
So you did it… You actually did it! That’s great!” I grin at him, and Tommi
slowly starts to mellow and grins back.
“You got laid!”
That’s Arttu of course and I roll my
eyes at him. Tommi glares at my boyfriend, but I’m okay with that: Arttu kind
of deserves that. “So when are you meeting his parents?” I congratulate myself
on that joke – I love teasing Tommi, but in the past, I felt too intimidated to
even consider pestering him. Stunned, I watch Tommi grow even more flustered.
Don’t tell me he already did!
“Yesterday… Juha’s parents had asked
me to join them for lunch… I didn’t want to meet them at first, but then I
realized how important it was to Juha, so in the end, I agreed.”
Tommi continues to surprise me. “You
already met his parents? Wow…”
“So when’s the wedding?” Arttu quips.
“You’re lucky that you’re injured,”
Tommi says calmly. “Or I might have thrown this pillow at you,” he says,
targeting Arttu.
Arttu cocks his head and grins. “Too
bad I’m black and bruised already. I didn’t realize it at first, but you have a
very amusing family, Eero!”
“I’m glad you think this
entertaining,” Tommi sneers, but I can tell he’s not really pissed off. He’s
much too happy about what happened in Oulu. “Let me reverse the question… When
is your wedding, Arttu?”
Arttu’s fingers slide into my hair
again and he massages the nape of my neck. “I haven’t made up my mind,” Arttu
says. “But I should heal up before I try to carry the bride over the threshold.
Eero’s been gaining weight lately.”
I look at Arttu from over my
shoulder. “I haven’t!”
“Yeah, you have,” Tommi says
unexpectedly. “I was thinking about that the other day. You changed a bit
during the last year… You don’t resemble Jonne that much anymore – I think
you’re starting to look a bit more like me.”
I’m not sure it’s a compliment or an
insult and I decide not to react to it. Tommi might be right, I don’t know
about that. I didn’t pick up on my resemblance where Jonne was concerned until
my brother made me look at us in a mirror. They might be correct about me
gaining some weight though, but it’s their fault that I’m getting heavier. They
make sure I eat well.
“No need to fret about it,” Arttu
whispers into my ear. “I still love you…even if you weigh in at a few more
pounds.”
Ah well, in that case I don’t need to
waste my time wondering if Arttu has a problem with me gaining weight. “What
are your plans, Tommi? What are you up to during the next few days? Weeks?”
Tommi shrugs and considers my
question. “Keeping an eye on Arttu and you of course… Trying to get a hold of
Jonne… I’ve been trying to call him, but all I get is a voicemail telling me
Jonne will get back to me after Jack’s done with him – and for some reason it’s
Jack telling me that… I’ll take care of Pasi tomorrow and… Juha… Juha’s
visiting this weekend…Arriving on Friday and leaving on Monday… Is that enough
information for you?”
I raise my arms in an attempt to
placate Tommi. “More than enough… Tommi, don’t you think it’s amazing… The way
everything turned out? It’s a fairy tale ending…”
“Eero, not that many fairy tales end
on a good note,” Arttu interjects.
I ignore my boyfriend though.
“Christmas will be interesting this year, and Tommi, we’ll need a bigger table!
It needs to seat eight now!”
“I’ll take of it,” Tommi promises as
he gets to his feet. “I had better be going…”
“I’m going to walk Tommi to the
door,” I tell Arttu and kiss him, as he looks rather displeased at hearing
that. “I’ll be right back.” Arttu lets go of my hand and I fall into pace with Tommi
as we make our way to the front door. “Feel free to visit whenever you want,” I
tell Tommi as he opens the door. “I’m always happy to see you.”
Tommi cocks his head, studies me, and
smiles. “You really start to look like me,” he says and points at our joined reflection
in the mirror.
Looking at the mirror, I blink, and
realize Tommi’s right. I am starting to look a lot like him; the thought makes
me smile though. I don’t care if I resemble Jonne or Tommi. The only thing that
matters to me is that I’m part of this amazing family.
TBC
Part 14
“Better?” I took pity on Jonne and
removed the appalling green and orange nail polish that had ended up on his
toenails. It was worth the ordeal though as Jonne giggled all the way through
me applying it.
“That’s definitely better,” Jonne
says in a remarkably soft voice.
We’re on my bed and Jonne’s right
foot still rests in my lap as I only just now finished removing the nail
polish. I wrap my fingers around his foot and massage the limb. Jonne looks at
me in surprise but doesn’t pull away, which is a good sign.
“What do you want to do for the rest
of the day? I already got my wicked way with you, so…” I incline my head in the
direction of his foot and continue to massage his sole. Jonne doesn’t reply,
and after a moment, he begins to squirm slightly, at which I raise an eyebrow.
“My feet are rather sensitive,” Jonne
explains in a husky tone.
Ah, that’s it! I don’t have a foot
fetish, but I don’t mind rubbing Jonne’s feet if it’ll get him in the mood. I pull his other foot
into my lap as well and massage them both. Judging from the lost look which
Jonne gives me, he doesn’t know what to make of my action. Come on, give me
some credit, Jonne! I just want you to relax!
Although I brought him to orgasm yesterday,
I haven’t approached him intimately again – I’m waiting for him to grow
comfortable enough to touch me in turn. “You do realize that I will use this
little bit of information to my advantage?” Using my thumb, I rub the bottom of
Jonne’s feet and to my amusement, he grows flustered. “Do you think I can make
you come in this way?” I’m wicked – I know that, but hey, that’s who I am!
Jonne pulls away his feet and I’m a
bit disappointed about that. I’m not going to comment on it though – I will
give Jonne the time he needs to get used to me. “So, do you have any ideas for
today?”
Jonne lowers his gaze, frowns, and
nibbles on his bottom lip. “I’m sorry… But… I’m not used to anyone touching my
feet like that…”
Jonne doesn’t look at me while
admitting that and it makes me move closer to him. I sit down next to him and
lean against him. Jonne raises his head to look at me and I smile at him.
“You’d better get used to it.”
“I’ll try…”
Jonne however remains tense and I
want to know why. “Is anything wrong?”
“I’ve been thinking,” Jonne starts
off slowly. “But it might be best to keep my thoughts to myself.”
He seems immensely insecure and I
instantly reassure him. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. I don’t grow angry
easily, remember?” I understand that it takes time for Jonne to get used to a
relationship with different mechanics. With Christus, Jonne had to watch his
every move – with me, he doesn’t need to do that, but he hasn’t understood that
yet. “Tell me what worries you. I want to help.”
“It’s about Christus…”
I’m not surprised and urge Jonne on
when he grows quiet. “You can tell me.” It worries me that he continues to
avoid meeting my gaze.
“I’ve been thinking about him since I
told you about my past… problems.”
His anorexia…among other things.
“And?” I need to convince Jonne that I want to hear this… I don’t fear
Christus’ ghost as I know how to deal with it.
“Are you still in contact with him?
Talking to him?”
Jonne finally looks at me, but the
insecurity in his eyes makes me cringe. “Yeah, I talked to him Saturday…”
“About us…? The things I told you?”
I don’t see a reason why I should lie
to him and so I nod. “We discussed that… You, us… Your past relationship with
him…”
“It’s odd…” Jonne says after a pause.
He stares at his hands which rest in his lap and shrugs. “I still feel like I
have unfinished business with him…” Jonne grows tense against me and seems at a
loss for words. “It’s not like I want to get back with him… I don’t… I’m happy
with you, but…”
I narrow my eyes and study him extensively.
At first, I didn’t know what was going on, but I’m starting to figure it out.
Everyone kept Jonne away from Christus – and that includes me. Jonne had one
opportunity to talk to Christus and that was a year ago. In the meantime, he
worked through a lot, but he never got a chance to make his peace with Christus
– not when he was ready for that – which is now. Suddenly I realize what I need
to do in order to deal with this for once and for all. I know what Jonne needs
– I know what will help him move on. “You need to talk to him.”
Jonne moves his head in a strange
way, which could be considered both shaking as nodding. “I don’t think that’s a
good idea… Everyone always tells me that I need to stay clear of him for my own
good.”
“That might have been true until
recently,” I admit. “But in order for you to really move on, you need to talk
to him…” Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I think it will do Jonne a
world of good. Christus is rather sane these days and the two of them could
have a normal conversation. They could get everything into the open and then
heal the hurt for once and for all. “Do you want me to set up a meeting?”
This time, Jonne shakes his head. “I
shouldn’t…”
I inch closer, place the palms of my
hands against his cheeks, and turn his face toward me. I wait for Jonne to look
at me, and when he does, I nod firmly. “You need to talk to him, and if it
makes you feel any better, I will stay close. I don’t think that it will be
necessary though.”
“Do you really think I should do
that?” Jonne wavers and remains undecided. “I needed a lot of therapy to deal
with the fact that I couldn’t see him again. What if I suffer a setback?”
“You won’t… You’re stronger and you
have me now.” I’m convinced that talking to Christus will go smoothly… Jonne
won’t freak out… And yes, he’s right – he needs closure. “I’ll give Christus a
call and see if he can join us for dinner… I can’t make any promises as he
might have plans himself – this is rather short notice.” Jonne averts his gaze
and stares at the wall. He’s thinking it over and I wait for him to make up his
mind.
“Maybe you’re right,” Jonne says
eventually and restores eye contact. “Maybe talking to Christus will help.”
“I know it will… You’ll feel better
after you did… You’ll know for sure that Christus is doing fine and that things
are right between the two of you. You’ll be able to truly move on. And don’t
worry,” I add, upon seeing doubt return to Jonne’s eyes. “Don’t worry about me
getting jealous or anything like that. I believe in your love for me…”
“I do love you,” Jonne says at once.
“I don’t love Christus in that way – not anymore.”
“But he’ll always be in your heart
and I can live with that. You were lovers for some time and that creates a
bond… I understand that, so don’t worry about it.” The idea of Jonne talking to
Christus doesn’t upset me – I know that they’ll never get together again; it
wouldn’t work. Both of them changed too much. But they can still be friends and
I believe Jonne needs that. He isn’t the kind of person who can live with
cutting people out of his life. Jonne wants to get along with everyone – he
wants to be friends with anyone…and that includes Christus who once meant the
world to him.
“Are you really okay with that?”
Jonne peeks at me and my heart goes
out to him. “I am – I really am, actually I’m going to call Christus right
now…” I reach for my phone, access my friend’s number, and wait for him to
answer. “Let’s see if he can join us this evening, okay?” This will be hard on
Christus too – I know that. Jonne nods and I smile at him in a reassuring way.
“What’s up, Japa?”
I grin at hearing Christus’ chipper
voice and remember a time when he was too high to read my name on the display.
Times truly changed. “Christus… I was wondering if you would like to join us
for dinner… I talked to Jonne and I think it would be a good idea if the two of
you spend some time together. I’ll even make pasta and make sure it’s edible.”
Christus doesn’t reply at once and I wait, knowing only too well that I sprung
that on him.
“And Jonne’s okay with me coming
over? Did you ask him?”
“Yeah, I did… I believe the two of
you need to talk. You need closure and so does he…and who knows, maybe you’ll
be able to save some of the friendship that got you together in the first place.”
Jonne gives me an anxious look and I take his hand in mine in the hope that it
will calm him down. Christus doesn’t reply at once: instead, I hear him talk to
Anna in the back. “You’ll see,” I whisper to Jonne, “Everything will be alright
in the end.”
“I wish I could believe that…” Jonne
whispers back.
It hurts seeing him so insecure, but
the only thing which can change that is talking to Christus. I can only hope
Christus sees it the same way and won’t chicken out.
“Japa? Anna’s okay with me coming
over tonight… How about me showing up at seven…Would that be okay?”
I feel relieved at hearing Christus
say that. Thanks for facing your past, my friend. “Seven’s fine…” Next to me,
Jonne tugs at my hand and his eyes widen. I nod. “He’ll be here at seven.”
Panic appears in Jonne’s eyes, but I don’t give into it. “That means we need to
go to the supermarket. I promised him pasta.” As intended the comment distracts
Jonne and his panic decreases.
“And don’t worry if I’m late,”
Christus says. “You know what I’m like…”
“That’s okay… Just make sure you show
up – sober, Chris… No drinking, is that clear?”
“Yeah… I didn’t plan on getting drunk
anyway… I wouldn’t do that to Jonne… I’ll see you later… bye Japa…”
I put away my phone and turn toward
Jonne, who looks conflicted. “He’ll get here around eight… We both know that
he’s never punctual…”
“This is weird… Knowing that I’m
going to see him and talk to him… I’m actually shaking…” Jonne raises an arm
and he’s right – his hand shakes like mad.
I take his hand into mine and press a
kiss onto the fingertips. “You’ll be fine. I have faith in you…” Suddenly, the
emotions in Jonne’s eyes change and the panic goes away completely and the
warmth that I saw when I brought him to orgasm returns. “You can do this…” I know
he can, and maybe he’s beginning to understand that he can do it too.
~~~
Jonne stands in front of the living
room window and looks out over the street below. He’s waiting for Christus to
appear and I hope that I’m doing the right thing. My instincts tell me that
Jonne needs closure before he can start a new chapter in his life, but I also
know it won’t be easy on either of them – both Jonne and Christus will have to
face their demons.
I wrap Jonne up in an embrace from
behind, and although he tenses up at my touch, he then relaxes and presses his
back against me. I tighten the embrace and place a series of kisses down his
throat, at which he relaxes further. “Everything will be just fine…”
“I hope so…” Jonne turns his head
toward me and kisses me.
“I love you so much…” I whisper
against his lips. Jonne smiles, but there’s a hint of sadness to it. “I believe
in you,” I remind him at which he nods. From the corner of my eye I see
Christus walk down the street. He walks rather slowly and I guess he isn’t
looking forward to this meeting either. “That’s him walking down the street.” I
judge it best to warn Jonne.
Jonne looks away from me and his gaze
fastens on the street. “He looks…different…”
“He toned down his styling… You’ll
find that he has mellowed quite a lot… Like you, he has found his way.” Jonne
draws in a deep breath; I can imagine how hard this on him, but I’ll never
fully understand it as I never went through the motions myself. “If you want to
talk to him in private, that’s fine with me too. Just tell me.” Much to my
surprise, Jonne suddenly spins around and grabs my shoulders.
“Don’t leave me alone with him…
Promise me.”
The panic is back and I need to calm
him down. “I promise…” Unfortunately the doorbell rings and I need to get
moving. “Don’t be scared, Jonne. When you see him and start to talk to him,
you’ll see that you got riled up for nothing.” Jonne’s expression tells me that
he doesn’t believe me though. “I should answer the door…” Jonne lets go of me,
wavers, but then heads for the kitchen. Wow, it’s starting to get to me too –
I’m not nervous, but Jonne’s most certainly putting me through an emotional
rollercoaster.
I walk up to the door and open it.
The look Christus gives me reminds me of the way Jonne looked at me just now.
“Come on inside…” I step aside, and Christus enters, although hesitantly.
“Don’t tell me you’re about to panic too.”
Christus shrugs out of his leather
coat and hands it to me. “The panic started right after you called… Anna
managed to talk me out of it though… I still feel nervous…”
“Jonne’s in the kitchen and nervous
as hell. Go easy on him, Christus… He’s been through a lot.” I don’t need to
mention that the same goes for Christus – he knows I’m aware of that, but he’s
not the reason why we’re here today – Jonne is.
Christus walks slowly and I rest a
hand on his shoulder. He looks up at me and manages a smile. “You can do this…”
I step into the kitchen first, wanting Jonne to know that I’m right at his
side. I give Jonne an encouraging smile and gesture for Christus to join us.
Tension arises almost instantly.
Jonne fidgets on his chair and the way his hands open and close show his
agitation. Christus’ nervousness doesn’t show – he’s better at hiding it.
“Hello Jonne… Fuck, it’s been too
long…” Christus offers Jonne a weak smile and stays right where he is. He
doesn’t approach Jonne yet and I think that’s a smart move.
“Chris…” Jonne licks his lips in an
anxious way and he looks like he’s ready to bolt from the room. I can only hope
he gets his fear under control.
“Maybe it’s best if we talk first and
eat later?” I suggest as I doubt they can manage even a single bite.
“That would be best,” Christus
agrees. He still doesn’t move, but his eyes long made contact with Jonne. “You
look good…Healthy… Handsome…”
Jonne’s eyes search mine and I
realize he feels lost. I sit down next to him and take his right hand in mine.
“Do you think it would be okay for Christus to join us?”
Jonne blinks several times, but then
nods. “I think so… Sorry… I don’t know what to do…”
I’m sure Christus realizes the same
thing. He sits down opposite Jonne and continues to smile, although I see pain
in his eyes too.
“I was surprised when Japa called and
told me that you wanted to talk to me. I never expected that,” Christus says.
“I never expected it either, but Jack
seems to think it’s a good idea –that we should talk.”
Jonne seems to have regained some of
his composure, but his hand remains sweaty and it twitches in mine. I rub his
fingers and squeeze them reassuringly. I’m going to avoid getting involved, if
I can. I want them to do this. Christus reaches for the bottled water, which I
put on the table earlier and drinks from it.
“Jonne, let me go first…” Christus
says and waits.
“If that’s what you want…” Jonne
whispers and squeezes my hand tightly in turn.
“I’m sorry… I know it’s late for me
to say the words, but I really am. I’m sorry for the way I acted back then… I
was a bitch… I didn’t treat you right… I hurt you… I didn’t fully realize it at
the time, but I do now.”
Jonne groans and turns away his head,
letting his hair fall in front of his face. I can’t allow him to shut down and
stroke his hair behind his ears. Jonne looks absolutely devastated and my heart
goes out to him. “Listen to him, Jonne… Don’t shut him out… I know it’s hard,
but please…” Jonne looks at me in a pleading way, but I shake my head. “You
need to do this… It won’t be so bad, believe me.”
It takes Jonne another minute to
compose himself and to look at Christus again. “I’m sorry too…”
“No…” Christus says decisively. “You
tried to help… I refused to listen… You always carried the burden – for all
those years and you still do. You carried me… You supported me while I treated
you badly. I know that’s who you are… You would never have kicked my ass… You
would never have fired me… Jonne, I’m glad Tommi did… Not at the time, but
looking back, I realize it was the only thing he could do… I was destroying
you… breaking you down… You fucking stopped eating!”
“Jack, I can’t do this…”
Jonne gives me another pained look,
but I need to stay strong. “Listen to him, Jonne…Please…” Jonne draws in a
shuddering breath, wipes at the tears that flow down his face, and finally
turns his head toward Christus again. That’s better… Come on, Jonne, you can do
this… I believe in you.
“It was my fault too,” Jonne says in
a voice that shakes with emotion. “I let you down.”
Christus sighs in frustration and
reaches across the table to catch Jonne’s left hand in his. Fuck, I hope that
move won’t backfire on him! But Jonne, against all odds, allows the touch.
“Jonne, you tried your hardest to get
through to me and I pushed you away. Don’t feel guilty about the way things
ended. If anyone is to blame then it’s me for letting get everything out of
control.”
Something in Jonne’s expression
changes and I hold my breath while awaiting his reaction. I admire Christus for
being direct and honest. There is no way Jonne can misunderstand what he’s
saying.
“It hurt, Chris… The way you treated
me… I loved you… I wanted to help, but you wouldn’t let me…”
That’s one hell of an admission for
Jonne to make and I’m relieved he managed to take that step as he’s definitely
moving into the right direction.
“I hurt you, Jonne, and I’m sorry for
that. If I could go back in time, I would change everything, but I can’t… I’m
sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me… I’m sorry that I drove
you into the arms of anorexia… It took me years to realize how much I must have
hurt you… I’m so sorry it happened.” Christus turns Jonne’s hand around and runs
his thumb up and down the palm. The touch seems to calm Jonne and I hope I’ll
remember that move should Jonne ever grow that agitated again.
“Chris… I need to know… Did you ever
love me? Or was it just a game? Right from the start?”
“I loved you, Jonne… I loved you
right away… You were everything I ever wanted – everything I had dreamt of and
I threw it away… I trampled on your love…”
Jonne’s tears stop dripping from his
chin and he seems to have regained control of his emotions. I move my chair
closer to his, let go of his hand, but wrap my arm around his waist instead.
Jonne slides his hand into my lap and I take hold of it with my other hand.
“What’s done is done…” Jonne says
eventually… “We survived.”
“Barely,” Christus adds. “We both came
close to giving up.”
Jonne nods, but then draws in a deep
breath. “We survived, Chris… What’s going to happen now? When Jack mentioned
setting up this meeting I didn’t know what to think of it… Now I feel even more
confused.”
“I hope that you can forgive me – not
right now, but one day in the future… I made myself a new life here… I moved in
with Anna… Japa probably told you about her.”
“Yeah, he did…” At that moment, Jonne
looks at me, and smiles. “I haven’t moved in with Jack yet, but it might happen
in the future…” Jonne then looks at Christus in a shy way. “I have feelings for
Jack… I’m in love with him…”
“Which is fine with me… I’m happy for
you, believe me!” Christus states firmly. “I know that we can never go back to
what we had, Jonne, and that’s fine… We need to leave that in the past, but…do
you think…we could stay friends? Or maybe become friends all over again?”
Jonne’s expression tells me that
Christus is asking for a lot, but I know Jonne well enough by now to realize
that he will give Christus his chance. Jonne is the kind of person who
forgives…
“I didn’t think I would say this, but
yes…I’d like to stay friends… How strange…” Jonne suddenly looks at me again.
“If that’s okay with you… I don’t want you to feel left out or to get the wrong
impression… I don’t want to get together with Christus…”
“I know that,” I interrupt him.
“Christus is my friend too so I’d love for the three of us to get along.” I
pull him closer against me and rub his back through his sweater. “So are the
two of you going to give this a shot?” I hope so…
“We can try…” Jonne mutters
eventually. “It might not be easy though…”
“Life isn’t easy, as least not for
me,” Christus ponders. “But now that you have Jack your life will change… He’s
really good at spoiling people!”
Christus’ remark brings a weak smile
to Jonne’s face. I reckon he finally understood that he doesn’t need to be
scared anymore – the demons of old have lost their fangs and have been laid to
rest.
“I’ve noticed,” Jonne says and
blushes weakly.
“Now that you have mentioned me being
good at spoiling… How about we get dinner started? I don’t know about the two
of you but I’m hungry.”
“I might actually be able to eat,”
Jonne admits. “I’m not so tense anymore.”
“I can eat too,” Christus admits.
“And I know it will taste good because you’re cooking… Go easy on the chilies
though…”
“No chilies,” I say, putting
Christus’ worries to rest. I search Jonne’s face for a moment and realize my
gamble worked. Jonne’s ready to move on, and this time, he managed to deal with
his demons – they won’t haunt him any longer.
~~~
“Is it okay for me to hug you?”
Christus gives me a hopeful look, but
I know he will back away if I tell him no. But I nod, knowing I need the hug as
much as he does. Christus wraps his arms around me and I lean against him.
Fuck, I missed having him in my life – having him close, being able to talk to
him and just hold him like this. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I
hope better times, and after the conversation we had tonight, I’m hopeful that
Christus and I will find a way to stay in touch. Christus suddenly whispers
into my ear and hearing his voice from up close takes me aback.
“I always loved you, please don’t
doubt that. If it hadn’t been for the drugs, I would never have hurt you like
that. I hope you can forgive me one day, and in the meantime, be happy with
Japa. Jonne, he’s the best thing that could happen to you. He’s one out of a
million, trust me, I know…”
Christus pulls away and I’m relieved
he’s creating more distance between us – that was a bit too intimate for me and
I’m in no way ready to deal with that just yet. “I know that… I know he’s
treasure.”
At hearing that, Christus grins. “And
a pirate…”
“Are you talking about me? Not badly,
I hope?” Jack leans against the wall and gives us his most suspicious look,
which doesn’t work.
“Chris merely reminded me that you’re
a pirate,” I tell Jack as we accompany Christus to the door.
“You do realize that if I’m the
pirate, you’re the princess, Cinderella?” Jack says, teasing me.
Christus chuckles as he heard it too,
but thankfully he doesn’t comment on it. We both know I can quite act the part
if I want to! “Bye, Chris… We’ll be in touch…” I hadn’t thought we would part
on such good terms, but I’m happy about it and if I’m reading Jack correctly,
he’s relieved too.
“Bye, Jonne… And Japa, take good care
of him for me…” Christus hugs Jack and then slips into his leather jacket.
“We’ll call,” he says and turns around. He waves and disappears into the
elevator.
Jack’s arms close around me and he
pulls me against him while he kicks the door shut. I smile at him and draw in a
deep breath – I’m still surprised that I didn’t suffer a breakdown tonight.
“You were right – talking to Chris helped and I feel better now.” It’s like a
burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I have Jack to thank for that. “He
has changed –for the better.”
“I told you so,” Jack says and kisses
my brow. “But you needed the time apart in order to sort out yourselves. This
wouldn’t have worked if you had done it earlier.”
“I agree… I needed the time to grow
stronger…” I had therapy for a year, but my therapist never managed to make me
feel so good about myself as Jack did during this last week. “And Chris needed
the time too.” Jack releases me, but takes my hand in his and leads me toward
the living room. He sits down and pulls me along with him. Music plays softly
in the background and I feel relaxed. “Thanks for making me do this…”
“You’re welcome… I’m glad I could
help and that it worked out…”
Jack raises an arm and his fingers
slide along my jaw. I quiver at the touch and am surprised to find my body
react to it. I hadn’t thought it would, not after what I went through tonight.
“You have sexy fingers…” I’m not sure how Jack will react to that, but I need
to get it off my chest. I would love to wrap my tongue around his digits and
suck them, but that’s something I’m not telling him. Damn, I’m getting hard
just thinking that! I need to stop it before Jack realizes what’s going on.
“You like my fingers then…”
Jack whispers the words and his
fingers move behind my ear, stroking the skin there. The touch makes me close
my eyes and a familiar fire explodes in the pit of my stomach. “Jack…” I’m
losing control, and in a way it scares me, but some part of me wants to let go…
Wants to lose control…
“You look hot…”
Jack’s lips slither down my throat,
and those fingers, those fucking hot fingers move beneath my sweater to caress
my back. “Jack…I’m…” I can’t tell him I’m fucking hard and want him… That would
be moving too fast.
“I want you, Jonne… You have no idea
how much I want you… I want to lick your skin…I want to touch you and make you
scream when you come… I want to make love to you…”
That’s my undoing – there’s no way I
can stop now. “I want that too…” I admit breathlessly. I crawl onto his lap and
rub my ass against his groin. “I really want you, Jack…”
“But not on the couch…”
Jack’s lips travel to my earlobe and
he takes the sensitive skin between his teeth. He bites playfully and then
suckles it. The sensation goes straight to my groin and I moan wantonly.
“The bed…” Jack whispers and gets up
from the couch. “Nothing less than a bed for you…”
He curls an arm around my shoulder
and brings me in for another kiss. I give in easily, wanting him as much as he
wants me. My body urges me to take action and I press myself against him,
letting my hands travel down to his ass in order to squeeze it.
Jack chuckles and guides my hands
away from his butt. He walks toward the bedroom and pulls me along – I follow and
wonder how he wants to make love to me. This is new… Feeling Jack’s hands upon
me is new – everything is different, as it should be.
“We need to lose these clothes…” Jack
remarks. “Let me help…”
I allow him to do as he pleases and
first he removes my sweater. Then his hands reach for my belt, undo it, and he
unzips my jeans. Along with my boxers, Jack slides the material down my legs
and I step out of them. I’m naked and fight the urge to cover up my private
parts. I didn’t have that many bed partners… Larry and I made love once and for
most part, it was Christus occupying my bed.
Jack reaches for his shirt, does away
with it, and gives me a dirty smile. “You might find my fingers sexy, but
you’re sexy all over.”
Jack’s compliment makes me blush, and
the same time, I relax. It’s good to know that he likes what he’s seeing. I sit
down on the bed and watch Jack step out of his leather pants. I haven’t seen
him naked before and so I eye him curiously. He’s more muscular than I thought
and I like that look on him.
“Hey, you’re looking way too lonely –
all alone on the bed…”
Jack walks over to me, kneels next to
me, and licks his lips. Looks like he’s hungry for me as well.
“I need to touch you, Jonne…”
I smile at him so he knows that I’m
eager to be touched and Jack doesn’t waste any time. He takes charge and crawls
onto my lap. The skin-on-skin contact takes my breath away and I need a moment
to regain my senses. A musky scent clings to him and I run my fingers down his
spine, toward his gorgeous ass.
Jack however has ideas of his own and
gently presses me onto my back. He towers over me, but not for long. He bends
down, licks down my sternum, and groans from deep within his throat. I close my
eyes in utter bliss. Deserting his derriere for now, I settle for messing up
his black hair, a move, which makes him chuckle. It’s good to laugh in bed –
it’s a first for me.
Jack nuzzles my throat and then his
lips search deeper. He licks his way to my left nipple, runs his tongue in circles
around it, and at the same time, his hand explores deeper, curling his fingers
around my cock. It’s too much and I don’t know how to react. His touch wakes up
my body and I’m eager – eager and hungry. “I want you…” I groan into his ear.
“I need you… Damn it, Jack… I need you…”
“Are you sure?” Jack continues to
caress my skin and those dexterous fingers of him keep massaging my cock.
“I won’t last long…” And I don’t want
to come without feeling him… “Do you have condoms?” Jack wavers and I
understand why… I told him only recently that I needed to go slow and now I’m
practically begging him to fuck me.
“Yeah, I have some… Banana-flavored…
and if we’re lucky strawberry-flavored too.”
I stare at Jack as I didn’t expect
such a reply, and when he chuckles, I grin at him – rather sheepishly, I’m
afraid. “Are you serious?”
Jack nods. “Let me see what I’ve got
left…” Jack reaches for the nightstand and opens the drawer. He removes a small
plastic container and hands it to me. “You pick one…”
I chuckle while reading the labels.
“You forgot to mention that we have lime-flavored too.”
“They’re pre-lubricated, so no need
to mess around with the stuff… These work just fine… You decide who gets to
wear it,” Jack says as he looks me in the eye. “It’s up to you.”
Emotions threaten to close off my
throat and I swallow hard in the hope to rid myself of them. “Are you certain
you want me to decide?”
“I am… I’ll enjoy myself no matter
what you decide…”
Jack licks across my face and
squeezes my cock to make sure I stay hard. I stare at the package, open it, and
remove the condom. It’s up to me… What do I? What do I want? I look at Jack,
search his eyes, and realize what I really want. With steady hands I roll the
condom down Jack’s length. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.
“I want you…This way…” Jack draws in a deep breath and closes his eyes. He’s
probably trying hard not to come now that I’m touching him.
“Your call…” Jack inches closer,
places his right hand next to my head in order to support himself, and crawls
on top of me. “I’ll try to make it the best ride you’ve ever had.”
He’s cocky, but I like that about
Jack. “You can try…” I reach between his legs, curl my fingers around his cock,
and guide him closer. “Do it… Now…” I throw back my head, bury my fingers in
the mattress beneath me, and wait for him to move. When he does, he moves
infinitely slowly. He enters me with such care and tenderness that it makes me
open my eyes and stare at him. He’s smiling and I respond by wrapping an arm around
him, pulling him closer. Once he’s inside, I wrap my legs around him and claim
his lips. Jack moans and I stay still, not wanting him to come yet.
I caress his face and Jack opens his
eyes again. “Make love to me…” I practically beg him. Jack gets the hint and
starts to move – slowly, but decisively and soon he’s pushing me towards the
edge. There’s no way we can last long – we’re both too much on edge. Seconds
later, I climax – I didn’t even touch myself in order to reach orgasm. Jack
bites down on his bottom lip, stops to move, and then finds completion too.
“Fuck… I wanted it to last longer...”
I run my fingertips along his brow
and stroke his hair away from his face. “We’ll last longer the next time,” I
console him once I’m capable of speech again. I feel blissfully sated and
utterly lazy. I don’t want to move, talk, or think. I just want to feel Jack.
“Yeah, we’ll get better at it…”
Jack’s all smiles when he lowers
himself onto his side next to me. His fingers slide up and down my chest and I
can’t stop staring at them. There’s something I want to do… I can’t stop
myself, reach for his right hand, and guide it to my lips. One by one, taking
my time, and sucking them slowly, I treat each of those fingers to the same
treatment.
Jack giggles and crawls back onto me.
“If you keep that up, we can go for another round in a few minutes… You do love
my fingers, don’t you?”
I suck at his ring finger and then
let it slip from my mouth. “I’ve wanted to do that ever since we met.” It’s
better to confess up.
“Well, I’m not complaining…”
I rest a hand at the back of Jack’s
neck and pull him in for a kiss. His fingers…his lips…his body…his smile… They
want to make me touch him, hold him, and make love with him, and I’m grateful
that Jack feels the same way about me.
For once in my life, I fell in love
with the right person, and when Jack looks at me with that huge smile on his
face, I realize that things are different this time. Jack won’t hurt me,
humiliate me, or play games with me… All he wants is to love me – just like I
want to love him.
The end!!!!