Title: Thunderstorms and
Confessions.
Author: Morgana ---
morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Website;
http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon
Pairing: Glorfindel/Erestor.
Rating: PG, I think.
Summary; The twins, still toddlers, seek out Erestor during a
thunderstorm and Glorfindel learns more about Erestor’s past than he ever
thought he would.
Disclaimer: These
characters are all Tolkien’s.
Warning: AU, discussion of child loss, my kind of silly humor, fluff!
Author’s Note: All
mistakes are all mine; yeah, I am greedy! And remember; this is AU!
Beta read by Aduial, thanks so much!!
Piccies by SayAye and Daga! Thanks!
Thunderstorms and Confessions
“Uncle Erestor? Come swimming with us?” Elladan, only a
toddler, gave Erestor a look most adults would have found adoring, making their
resolve crumble and so they would easily give in. But that was not the case
with the Lord Councilor. Erestor, seated behind his impressive oak desk, merely
lifted an eyebrow to answer the Elfling’s unwelcome question.
Elladan’s eyes darkened with disappointment and Elrohir’s hand slipped into his, squeezing tightly. “Please, Uncle Erestor?” Cocking his head, he tried harder to melt the ice that surrounded the elder Elf’s heart. “We want you there with us.”
Erestor didn’t bother to answer the child and turned his attention to the letter he was writing.
Pouting, Elladan glared at Erestor. “You never do fun things with us!” The Elfling stamped his foot – hard – making his twin cringe. “You do not love us!” Pulling Elrohir with him, he stormed out of Erestor’s study, running toward the Bruinen to join his mother.
Glorfindel, who had overheard Elladan’s last words, stood in the doorway, fuming with anger. “Why are you so cold toward them? How can they not warm and touch your heart? They try so hard to gain your approval and love and you continue to turn them away! How can your heart be so cold? So dead?” The glare that Erestor shot him made him flinch. There was much anger there, much resentment.
“I suggest you join them instead. You are always one for making merry. They prefer you over me at any rate.” Erestor reigned in his emotions and returned to writing, blatantly ignoring the Captain.
“I do not understand you!” Frustrated, Glorfindel decided he would do just that: join the twins and let their playfulness drive away his dark thoughts concerning the Lord Councilor. He turned around, slammed the door closed and promptly collided with Elrond. “I did not see you there,” he mumbled, apologizing. He had assumed Elrond had joined his wife at the Bruinen and was surprised to find the half-Elf still in the house.
Elrond’s brow showed deep lines, studying his friend. “Glorfindel, walk with me. I think the time has come for us to talk.”
Obediently, Glorfindel followed. His curiosity got the better of him and he asked, “Why do you allow Erestor to treat the twins that coldly?”
Elrond smiled, ruefully, and guided Glorfindel toward a windowsill, where they sat down. From here he had a perfect view of the Bruinen and he could even see his wife swimming in the Bruinen with the twins. His family was happy and so was he. “I cannot force Erestor to act in a certain way.”
“I know he never wanted to be the twins’ tutor, and yet you made him. Why? Don’t you see the defeated expressions in the toddlers’ eyes whenever Erestor rejects them? Why are you putting the twins through that?”
Elrond gave Glorfindel a look, filled with compassion. “Because I have my reasons for doing so, my friend.”
“And what are these reasons?” Glorfindel moved closer to Elrond, occasionally glancing outside and laughing at seeing Elladan chase Elrohir through the water.
“Erestor was not always this distant.” Elrond pulled his robes close and looked into Glorfindel’s eyes. “He was a loving father once.”
Glorfindel’s eyes widened in surprise. “What?” He shook his head, convinced he had misheard.
“Erestor was a loving father once,” repeated Elrond. “He was married to a lovely lady called Medlin and was very much dedicated to his family. But then disaster struck.” Telling Glorfindel pained him, but this was necessary; otherwise the blond would never understand.
“Ereinion and I had joined Erestor and his family for a picnic at the lakeside one beautiful morning. Erestor and his son, Nínim, were chasing one another in the water, much like my sons are doing now.”
Glorfindel couldn’t remain silent any longer and interrupted Elrond. “Erestor was married? And a father?” Erestor had masterfully fooled him then. As long as he had known the advisor, Erestor had appeared distant, cold even. At times he had even wondered if Erestor was capable of expressing any emotions.
“Aye,” said Elrond, nodding once. “And he was a good father and husband. Erestor and Medlin were very much in love and their son was a true blessing, completing their union. Nínim, with his father’s raven hair and his mother’s sea-blue eyes, was an intelligent child, and loved his parents. The three of them were happy.”
Still in shock, Glorfindel simply stared at Elrond. “What happened?”
“The Nazgûl did,” whispered Elrond, reliving painful memories. “We were careless, Ereinion and I. Judging that the lakeside was safe ground, we had not brought any weapons; we were easy targets. Riding their foul beasts, the Nazgûl hunted us down. The beasts dived toward the earth and took Medlin first. Their long claws drove themselves into her back, ripping her apart before our very eyes. Erestor had turned paralyzed, and I moved quickly, pulling him from the water. But Nínim did not follow my lead and ran toward the shore instead, where the beast had dropped his mother. Medlin was already dead at that time, but Nínim did not know that and he wanted to protect and defend his mother.”
Glorfindel swallowed, convulsively, dreading Elrond’s next words.
“One of the Nazgûl had dismounted and targeted the boy, as he was the weakest one. Erestor threw himself at the wraith, but could not prevent that the Nazgûl’s sword that buried itself deeply in Nínin’s throat.” Elrond paused to draw in a deep breath. “There was so little we could do, so in the end we ran. Luckily, soldiers were close and they drove the foul creatures away, but…”
“Erestor lost his wife and his son…” Glorfindel nervously moistened his lips, casting a glance at the door of Erestor’s study to make certain the advisor could not hear them.
“Erestor emerged from the encounter broken,” continued Elrond. “After their burial he withdrew emotionally and I could not reach him for a very long time.”
“But eventually you did.”
“Aye, after Ereinion died he came to me to console me. Death had brought us together once more.” Elrond absentmindedly smoothed the fabric of his formal robes, trying to control the fierce emotions that raged inside him. There was more to tell. “Erestor has steeled his heart since then, not allowing anyone in. He tried to shut the twins out the hardest.”
Elrond sought out Glorfindel’s eyes. “Do you understand why I cannot force him to act more kindly toward the twins when they remind him of the terrible loss he suffered that day? Erestor will never treat them cruelly or intentionally hurt them, it is just… He is hurting so terribly inside that he does not dare give himself permission to express the love he feels for them.”
Seeing Glorfindel arch an eyebrow, Elrond added, “Do not doubt that Erestor loves them very much. You had already left that evening after my wife had given birth to the twins, and Erestor and I were alone. He kissed their brows and vowed to always love and protect them. But I know Erestor. He is terrified of letting himself fall, to love them, and then lose them.”
Glorfindel’s eyes narrowed. “Are you saying that Erestor is afraid?”
“He is *terrified* to find they love him back. He lost his family once before and would not survive losing this one.” Using his thumb, Elrond tenderly rubbed Glorfindel’s cheek. “Erestor is distant because he is terrified and not because he does not care about the children – or you, for that matter.”
Now Glorfindel’s curiosity was truly piqued. “Elrond?”
“He likes you a great deal, although he does not show it.” Elrond smiled, saddened. “Erestor does not love easily, Glorfindel, but he loves you.”
Glorfindel stared at Elrond in utter shock. “He loves me?” What in the Valar’s name was Elrond talking about?
“I am the only one he confides in,” said Elrond. “And although he never *told* me he loves you, I learned to read the signs millennia ago. I watch him occasionally and during the moments that you are near love appears in his eyes.”
“I never noticed. Are you certain you are not imagining this?”
“I am certain, but he always shields it from you – and from the twins. Maybe now you understand why.” Elrond smiled, tenderly, and stroked Glorfindel’s face one last time.
“Why did you confide in me when it is obvious that Erestor does not want me to know?” Glorfindel was truly puzzled.
“Because I do not want you to detest him for the way he is around the twins.” Elrond slowly rose from the windowsill, straightening out his robes. “Without knowing what made Erestor the way he is today you would misjudge him, and Erestor has already seen too much pain. He deserves better.”
“I never knew… I never considered something like that could have happened to him in the past.”
“And that is why I told you.” Elrond looked thoughtfully at Glorfindel. “Upon your arrival here you tried to befriend him, but then you gave up. You gave in to him at that point and it became easy for him to keep you at a distance. I wonder what would happen if you tried again.”
Glorfindel got to his feet as well, and his eyes narrowed questioningly. “Explain yourself.”
“Erestor’s pain has doubled since the birth of the twins. They remind him on a daily base of the family he lost – the son he lost. I know Erestor is hurting terribly, but he won’t come to me, because he does not wish to burden me with his anguish. I wonder what will happen if you tried to befriend him again. Maybe he will stop giving you the cold shoulder you have become so accustomed to.”
Pondering Elrond’s words, Glorfindel felt indecisive. “I do not know how I will react the next time I talk to Erestor. This information had changed my perception of him.”
“Then find out.” Elrond smiled--genuinely warm this time--and turned, quickly walking down the corridor as he was eager to join his family at the Bruinen.
Glorfindel remained standing there, wondering about his next step regarding Erestor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Elladan? Look over there…” Elrohir shuddered, frightened, as distant lighting announced a heavy and ominous thunderstorm. They were in the nursery, playing with their toys, and looked about. No adult was near – they were alone, without supervision. “What do we do now?” Elladan wrapped his tiny arms around his twin, holding on tightly.
“Nana told us to find an adult, remember?” Although Elrohir tried his best to act calmly and in control, the Elfling was scared as well. “But no one is close.”
“Erestor’s rooms are close by,” said Elladan. “We could go to him.”
“He does not want us around.” Elrohir bit his bottom lip. “I want Nana!”
“I want Ada!” Elladan’s big eyes released tears of fright now that the rolling thunder came closer and exploded above their heads. “I am scared!” Heavy rain tapped against the windows and lighting flashed, illuminating the dark sky. “Elrohir!” He firmly clung to his twin, but Elladan was shaking with fear as well.
Wind crashed against the window, making the glass tremble and Elrohir realized they had to leave *now*. They only had one option left: seek out Erestor’s rooms in the hope that the advisor would not turn them away. “Come with me, brother.”
Elladan kept his arms tightly wrapped around his twin’s waist, but allowed Elrohir to pull him toward the doorway. Thunder made the glass in the window explode with a frightening bang and shards flew toward them. Elrohir acted quickly, pulled Elladan behind him and pushed the door shut behind them. But he hadn’t been quick enough and had stepped into a big shard of glass. Fat droplets of blood erupted from beneath his left foot and he bit back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. “Elladan…”
Elladan’s fingers trembled as he removed the shard from his brother’s foot and hugged Elrohir tightly, hoping the warm embrace would lessen the pain.
They shuffled down the corridor, two frightened Elflings who jumped at every sound. When they finally arrived at Erestor’s door, Elrohir knocked, frantically. “Erestor! Let us in! Please!” A particularly loud round of thunder made them jump and they sobbed miserably.
The door unexpectedly opened and the twins ran inside, wrapping their short arms around Erestor’s leg. Their teeth chattered and they closed their eyes, trusting Erestor to keep them safe. The adult couldn’t possibly turn them away now!
Erestor acted instinctively and scooped both Elflings up in his arms. “Hush now, you are safe here.” Staring at the tear-streaked faces, his heart contracted painfully. Elrohir reached for him and wrapped his arms possessively around his neck. Elladan pressed close against his chest, crying hard.
“No one… was close… except you…” sobbed Elrohir, pressing as close to Erestor as he possibly could. “The window exploded and…” Another explosion of thunder followed, making them sob even harder.
Erestor tightened his hold on them, determined to protect them. He carried them over to his bed, sat down and pulled up the blanket so the twins were warm. “You are safe with me, little ones.”
“Erestor!” Elladan’s eyes widened, seeing the reflection of lightning in the large mirror and he bit convulsively into the fabric of Erestor’s night shirt.
“Make it stop!” wailed Elrohir, terrified.
“I wish I could,” whispered Erestor, who had finally found a comfortable position, with one twin snuggled close at each side. Then he did something he hadn’t done for millennia; he pulled the blanket over their heads. “Now, the lightning cannot frighten you any longer.” Two pairs of trusting eyes met his and he remembered a pair of sea-blue eyes that had looked to him to make the thunderstorm stop millennia ago. He fought down the painful memories and concentrated on the twins instead. “The thunderstorm is already moving away from Imladris.”
“How do you know that?” Elladan, hiccupping with tears, looked expectedly at the adult.
“Because I can count. You can count too, Elladan.”
“Count?” Elrohir, snuggled close to Elladan and more importantly, Erestor, now grew curious as well.
Erestor waited for the next faint impression of lightning that made it through the fabric of the blanket and then began to count. “One… two… three… four… five…" The sound of thunder made the twins shiver against him and Erestor rubbed their trembling backs. “The next time I want you to count with me.” The twins nodded against his chest. Elladan clawed at this nightshirt, whilst Elrohir had buried his tiny fingers in his raven hair.
“Now…” said Erestor, having seen the echo of lightning beneath the blanket.
The three Elves counted simultaneously. “One… two… three…. four…. five... six!” The thunder erupted and Elladan released a triumphant yelp. “It *is* moving away!”
Erestor smiled, ruefully. Oh, he had tried so hard to prevent this from happening! He had tried so hard to keep his affection hidden, but now the twins knew he cared about them and they *would* use this knowledge to their advantage. They wouldn’t allow him to retreat behind his mask ever again. Another flash of lightning made the twins count anew and this time the toddlers didn’t get any further than four.
Now that the thunderstorm no longer hovered above the Last Homely House and had lost most of its intensity, the twins grew calm and more comfortable. “Is nice here,” remarked Elladan, squirming in Erestor’s arms so he could kick at the blanket. The fabric tried to trap him and he kicked some more, chirping delightedly.
“He is such a baby,” whispered Elrohir, who had crept closer to Erestor’s face in order to search the large, brown eyes. The expression in them had changed, realized the Elfling. They were warm and open; he had never seen them that inviting before. “You *do* like us.”
“I am not a baby!” stated Elladan, adamantly, and stopped kicking the fabric. Elrohir’s comment had caught his attention and he managed to move closer to Erestor’s face as well. “Aye, you like us!”
Erestor swallowed, nervously looking at the tiny Elflings, who had found him out. Suddenly, he felt like he was choking beneath the blanket, as sea-blue eyes looked at him instead of the twins’ gray ones. He quickly pushed the blanket off of him and sat upright, struggling for breath. In the distance, the thunder growled one last time.
Although still very young, the twins saw the anguish in the adult’s eyes and knew they had to proceed cautiously. Elladan simply stretched out on Erestor’s lap, turning toward the elder Elf and possessively pushing his arms around Erestor’s waist. His arms were too short to complete the hug, but something told him that didn’t matter.
Elrohir snuggled up to Erestor’s right, wrapping one arm
around Erestor’s neck, forcing the elder Elf to look at him. The last thing he
expected was to see tears in the dark eyes and when one tear flowed down
Erestor’s cheek, he caught it with a fingertip, curiously licking at it. “Why
are you crying?”
Erestor’s defenses were down. How could he maintain his distance with the twins snuggled up to him like that? “I am not crying.”
“But you are!” stated Elrohir, convinced. “Look!” Precariously balanced on his fingertip sat another tear. “You are crying.”
Erestor couldn’t help but smile tenderly. “I must be crying then.”
“Are you sad?” Elladan cocked his head and rubbed Erestor’s abdomen through the fabric of the night shirt, trying to offer comfort in his own way.
“I am not quite sure,” admitted Erestor, honestly. “I do not know what to do with the two of you. Why did you come here in the first place?”
“You were close… And Nana told us to go to an adult when we were scared,” whispered Elrohir.
“And the thunderstorm scared us,” added Elladan in a serious voice.
“But the storm has passed and you can go to your Nana and Ada now.” More tears lurked in Erestor’s eyes and were eager to surface. He had repressed this pain for so long!
“But we like it here. You are warm,” started Elrohir, only to be interrupted by his twin.
“And soft!” Elladan giggled, teasingly tickling Erestor’s sides.
“Stop doing that!” Erestor burst out into giggles, trying to brush Elladan’s surprisingly determined fingers away.
“You are ticklish!” Delighted, Elrohir joined in, helping his twin creating more mayhem.
“Oh, mercy! Please have mercy on me!” Erestor tried to get away from the tiny terrors, but whenever he managed to avoid getting tickled by one twin, the other took over. In the end, they had mercy on him and snuggled up instead. A healthy, rosy hue covered their cheeks and the eyes sparkled with mirth. The thunderstorm that had terrified them only minutes ago was long forgotten.
“Will you play with us tomorrow?” Elladan made himself comfortable against Erestor’s warm body, put his thumb in his mouth and began to suckle it contently.
“Such a baby,” whispered Elrohir, chuckling softly.
Erestor laughed, warmly. “You are a baby too, Elrohir.”
“Am not! I am a fierce warrior like Glorfindel!” As if to prove his point he tried to glare at Erestor.
Elladan – too tired to care about his twin’ latest attempt to impersonate Glorfindel – closed his eyes in sleep. Erestor gave the Elfling an adoring look. “You are mirror images of your father,” he whispered, having seen Elrond sleep with his eyes closed in the past. “Your parents love you so much.”
Elrohir had grown quiet, studying Erestor, who no longer looked like the serious and distant Elf he had always known. “Do you love us too?” To him – a child – nothing was more important than being loved.
“Aye, I love you, Elrohir. I love both of you.”
“You never show it,” whispered Elrohir, his big eyes still searching Erestor’s. “Why?”
The door opened and two Elves shuffled inside, but neither Erestor nor Elrohir heard as they were too focused on each other.
“Why?” Taken aback by Elrohir’s direct approach, Erestor felt at a loss.
“Why do you hide it?” Elrohir cocked his head. “You are grumpy most of the time, but Elladan and I still like you.”
Erestor briefly closed his eyes, realizing how good it felt to have the twins this close – to really feel their bodies pressed against his. If he told Elrohir the truth now there would be no way back for him. “I had a son once, Elrohir, and I loved Nínim very much.”
Elrohir sucked in his breath and his eyes widened dramatically. “You are an Ada?”
“I was,” whispered Erestor, feeling miserable. Tiny hands patted his face. “I lost Nínim and his Nana a long time ago.”
“Oh!” Elrohir pressed close and hugged Erestor as tightly as he could. “That is bad!”
Erestor rubbed Elrohir’s back. “When I look at Elladan and you I see Nínim too, and it is hard for me to love you back.”
“Why?”
When had Elladan awakened? Erestor hadn’t felt the Elfling move, but Elladan was staring at him with big eyes.
“Why is it so hard? We can be your Elflings too, if you want us to. Ada and Nana would not mind sharing us, now would they, Elrohir?”
“Aye, we can be your Elflings too,” stated Elrohir, victoriously. “You can love us and we will love you back, Erestor.” He firmly nodded his head.
“Oh, little ones…” Erestor was at a loss for words.
“You want us, don’t you?” asked Elladan, raising an eyebrow in a way that truly marked him as Elrond’s son.
“Of course I do!” Erestor hugged them close, holding them tightly.
Elrohir was the first to wiggle free. “Sleep now?”
“If that is what you want,” said Erestor, beaming with happiness.
Elladan yawned, grabbed hold of Erestor’s hand and suckled
the elder Elf’s thumb instead of his own. Elrohir curled up on Erestor’s lap,
molding himself around Elladan’s form and contently went to sleep as well.
Erestor stared at them with tears in his eyes. The twins had finally breached his walls and he was wide open now – so terribly vulnerable. Since their birth he had fought hard to keep them at a distance and he had hidden the affection he held for them, but now they had battered down his walls. /Oh, Elbereth, how do I cope with the fear of losing them?/ But the Vala didn’t answer him, and in the end, Erestor followed them into sleep, dreaming of the family he had lost – dreaming of holding Nínim in his arms one last time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elrond gestured for Glorfindel to follow him into the corridor. About an hour ago the Captain had stormed into his study, announcing the twins were missing. Immediately, they had set out searching for them. The last place they had checked on had been Erestor’s rooms, realizing too late the Advisor’s chambers were closest to the nursery. “They sought him out when the thunderstorm frightened them.” Elrond looked at his trusted friend and found a most curious expression in the cerulean eyes.
Glorfindel tried to sort out his thoughts and feelings. “Erestor, he… he acted so differently. I do not know him like that.”
“You caught a glimpse of the true Erestor,” said Elrond, pleased that Erestor had finally allowed the twins in after all these years. “I always hoped they would find a way to reach him, but it took them longer than expected.”
“You were right; Erestor loves them.” Glorfindel rubbed his forehead, feeling tired and confused. “Should I try again, then?”
Elrond immediately knew what the blond was referring to. “I think you should. Erestor will put up a fight, but now that the twins know he loves them, they will continue to batter down his walls. In the end, he will allow you in as well. But you will have to be patient. Erestor first needs to feel comfortable when showing his affection.”
“Erestor will make this hard on us.”
Elrond smiled, smugly. “Us?”
“I…” Glorfindel sighed, deeply, knowing better than to lie to Elrond. “I have always felt attracted to Erestor, but… The way he was... I could not bring myself to act upon my feelings. I was certain he would reject me.”
“He might still try to reject you,” said Elrond, thoughtfully. “His heart is still far from mended, but you can help him heal further, *if* you are persistent in your love for him.”
“This is all very much unexpected.” Glorfindel managed a weak smile.
“Trust me, Erestor feels even more confused than you do. The children just upended his world and he feels adrift now. He needs you – Erestor just does not know that yet.”
Recalling the warm smile on Erestor’s face, Glorfindel nodded once. Erestor had been warm and caring with the twins. Maybe, Erestor would feel the same way about him in time as well. “I will try one last time, then.”
Elrond rested a hand on Glorfindel’s shoulder and squeezed encouragingly. “You made the right decision, my friend. Persevere and do not let him throw you off course.”
Glorfindel nodded once. “He won’t. I won’t let him.”
Many thanks to SayAye for the gorgeous piccie! And a thank you to Daga as well!